I Rushed Into Marriage and My Husband is an Alcoholic!
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- Опубликовано: 13 окт 2024
- I Rushed Into Marriage and My Husband is an Alcoholic!
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Dave absolutely does not tell people to combine finances with addicts, ever.
People, do not EVER join yourself to an addict ESPECIALLY one who is not in recovery. Sadly, there is never a guarantee that they will get clean and stay clean. If you don’t have children together, do not, repeat, DO NOT marry an addict!! You cannot save them, they are already choosing their addiction over everything else, it is not worth it no matter how desperate you are to have a partner. Because they won’t be a real partner.
Hi.
My husband is alcoholic
I have a 4 year old kid also
My words,pain has no meaning to him when I was with him
Now i am separate he says he will change
But i know he won't.
He is heat patient also.i don't want to leave him alone.for my whole life
Please suggest what should I do.
I have already given him 5 years of my life
But I can change him hope things get better for her😢
@@ritujangra6310 you have to get rid of him. Do you want to give up all your life??? Because he will drag you down if you stay with him. His health problems shouldn't be your concern, because he clearly doesn't care about his own health, so why should you care????
@@Steve-ym9qg My statement was absolutely not nonsensical. If you had ever lived with an active alcoholic, had an alcoholic parent or sibling or watched a loved one relapse over and over and over again, you would understand why I wrote what I wrote. And I stand by it.
Your close minded, jaded comment is wrong. That was your experience and no one else’s. People CAN recover and absolutely can change their lives for the better
Please for the love of God, do NOT raise a child in a home with active addiction. Speaking from experience.
I had to go to AA
💯
It just screws them up and then even if you get away from him, your relationships with your children will still hang onto the hurts.
I finally left when my daughter was 15. I should have gone earlier. Fortunately, she got counseling and is OK today.
Am 22 and am 4 months sober from alchole I think I need to cut out pot a before I get a kid
“People have to protect themselves from people who are addicts.” 💯💯💯💯
You can never love an addict enough to “fix” them. If he won’t get help, she needs to walk away.
As an addict, let me tell you how unhelpful that is. It IS important to have a bottom line/boundaries and create conseqences. If your only bottom line is total abandonment if they don't do what you want then you aren't helping. Like Deloney said, its a connection disorder. There are many helpful boundaries that are not total abandonment. Especially for an addict as functional as he is.
She said "For better, *OR FOR WORSE* " Guess what?! Sometimes it's for worse!
@@FreedomsNurse so, if someone beats you, you stay? If someone molests your children, you stay? No, you don’t. Or, at least, you shouldn’t. When the “worse” puts you or your children’s physical or mental health in jeopardy, you DON’T stay. And to me, addiction falls into that category. Until an addict chooses to get help, you get out. How dare you try and shame people for not staying in situations like that.
I love my addict so much, I’m willing to do anything to help him 🙏🏻
@@marisolpooh1 I’m sure you have a huge heart, but 1- you can only help someone who wants help and 2- sometimes what we think is helping is actually enabling behavior that allows someone to continue in their addiction and never face the consequences of their behaviors.
Never marry someone who has different financial values than you. You will be left holding their debt.
THIS!!!
Yep... I've seen a partner that's the main breadwinner destroy a financial family while the other spouse making half their income is trying to save an invest while cutting coupons.
Hey Dr. John, I'm unsure if you'll ever see this comment but your sympathy and kindness never goes unnoticed in these videos. I came here from Dave Ramsey's channel, and do not regret it. I come from a family that separated due to alcohol addiction, so this video hit home for me. Thanks for all your talks and advice!
She ends up being his mom, not his wife.
I feel for this lady...i was in a relationship for almost 8 years and he wanted to get married to keep me around...I made the hard decision and ended...I was not happy, I wasn't his girlfriend anymore I felt like his mom, we were both heading to rock bottom because I wasn't taking care of myself, I knew that I was going to leave him and I didn't want to end up divorcing him...it broke me heart and I know he was hurt...but he chose alachol over me and we could of had...so I ended...he hated me for about a year...but we are on friendly terms but I would never consider reconciling with him!
That had to have been so hard!! Proud of you for staying true to yourself ❤
I was married to an alcoholic for almost two decades. All the bad things happened and I divorced him.
I married my husband not knowing he was an alcoholic. It was a long distance relationship. We rushed into it. Still married 23 years later. He's going to be sober 13 years come December. It's still really hard most days because alcohol wasn't his only issue. He has multiple health issues. But we take it a day at a time. And thankful for the good days we do have.
Separate until if and when he gets clean. This woman can look forward to a a horrible life and his addiction will affect the child. What a stinking mess.
My wife threatened this and it got me working on my stuff. She basically said I can be financially irresponsible and have my stuff but not her. By GOD's Grace, this woke me up.
She said "For better, *OR FOR WORSE* " Guess what?! Sometimes it's for worse!
@@FreedomsNurse Did I mention the word divorce in my response? She needs to protect her child and herself. Have you ever had a close relationship with an alcoholic or druggie?
@@kathyraymond2216 she absolutely needs to do what’s best for her and the child.
@@kathyraymond2216 Have you ever had a close relationship with an alcoholic or druggie? - Yes
I grew up in a family of Alcoholics, This old talk to him, he has a health problem is nonsense. His "health" problem is he chooses alcohol over everyone. If he wanted to be sober, he would do it. She needs to get out the door. He isn't struggling with alcohol, she is.
Not that simple.
You know nothing about alcoholism and it’s genetic or hereditary component or the psychology of addiction.
@@rachelgooden9981 okay but at the end of the day, genetics or psychological factors or not, the START of the addiction may not be someone’s fault, but the CHOICE to get clean/sober ALWAYS is. -an addict who’s been clean for 4 years
There is not “alcoholic gene”
@benjamingreen9540 it literally is. I drank heavily for 20 years. Chose to stop. It's that simple
I can relate. Two kids with a gambler, which he promised he was done with before we got together.
Now, we are no longer together, but sad for our kids.
He gambled all his money every paycheck and doesn't save for our kids future.
All on me. I have to be a responsible parent and I am exhusted!
Why did you take the risk?
I am an alcoholic! I had to get sober for myself
Confession is good for the soul
Good job! I know how hard that road is! I wish people would recognize what a great accomplishment that is and it’s not as simple as just stopping.
@@rachelgooden9981 thanks for the support
@@patriciacole8773 thanks for the support
I'm one as well. My fiancee is as well. Gotta be sober for yourself or it will never last and never work. Both us are now sober and it's been a beautiful rebirth
Al Anon is good place for friends and family of addicts !🌷
A year is fast? Jeez. We got engaged after 4 months and are in year 21. He just hasn't grown at all as a person. He literally needs his come to Jesus moment.
Sure he’s glad he has a girlfriend whose unsupportive and dogging him. Such a lucky man.
Maybe look at the statistics on people who do that, and don’t just extrapolate from a single data point.
Co-dependence is real! Connection problem is right! Unhealthy connections with the addict continues to feed the addiction! Wife needs to be in individual therapy to get some clarity about the part she is currently playing in her spouse's active addiction. Do not enable! Protect children (emotionally, physically and mentally) at ALL cost. They did not choose to be born into this situation.
There are a lot of high functioning, loving, kind alcoholics. I understand why she is confused, but ultimately she needs to put herself and her baby first.
I do not believe you can be both. There’s only alcoholics who physically abuse and those who mentally abuse. The “nice” alcoholic is the mentally abusive one. They disappear into a bottle and leave you with the responsibility of life. They lie, hide and make you feel crazy. That is not kind or caring.
I had a bf like this. Took me awhile to figure out he was an addict. Didn't look like any of the ways you hear people talk about addicts.
I'm sorry but this woman has to think about her child, she can't play mother to a grown man and a baby. It's too much for her to bare sometimes you just have to cut your losses. Please take care of yourself because I became suicidal by taking care of everyone and doing nothing for myself. Nothing but prayers for this woman
:(
1 yr is not really rushing it! 6 months or under is fast. But a year should be plenty of time to figure out what kind of person you are dating. This is a picking problem, not a "too fast" issue. If you know that your picker is broken, get help.
*But he made her laugh!!!!!*
It depends on age, imo. It's also fast to turn around and have a baby with an alcoholic. I doubt he was clean for so long.
I thank God I’ve been sober 16 months, but one drink or drug will get me right back in that spot
Shoutout to all the addicts who's trynna heal and is in the process.
Be unbeatable guys!
I had a gambling problem and it never completely took over my life but it was bad. It was difficult and every time I would lose $1000 I would tell myself I wanted to quit and did it again the next day. Nothing changed until I opened up to my S/O about it and even when I admitted to her that I had an issue it was still hard and I relapsed a couple times but when I finally realized I gained nothing and truly wanted to quit, I quit. To this day every day I feel successful for ditching that addiction and now I know I can be better for not only me but the important people in my life as well. It's not easy but its possible. you may not see this Anna, but if u do, then best of luck!
The amount of people who don't realise they are addicted to online gambling is crazy, i had to go full cold turkey a few years ago after losing $5k on one bet, i knew i had an isuue and i had to stop.
Good for you.
What causes a gambling addiction?
@@traceycancio1795 honestly I don't know. Once I quit I realized exactly how useless it was. The odds are never in your favor but my guess would be the chance to become wealthy if u beat the odds.
What I’d like to know from her is in their year of courtship/dating, did she see any signs of him having a drinking problem. Did this show up all of a sudden?
@@kelsiemitchell8499 Got it!! A hard lesson to learn!!! Why do we tuck those red flags away knowing that tucking never solves any problems! Thanks!
My XH hid it bc we both worked long hours. It all came out after we married and my schedule changed
There are always signs. Maybe they were not as evident back when they were dating.
errybody gottachurce I agree with you. This is what happened to me. I’m a workaholic and my husband is a functional alcoholic and I never saw the signs bec I had no time to. But Since COVID and being home this is how my world blew up in my face I started to see hidden bottles of alcohol and notice all the other things like he drinks for breakfast lunch and dinner but takes BC and a raw egg to sober up and I notice the pattern while being home.
Sometimes you don't notice until you LIVE with someone. Dating and having drinks eating or at the bar is totally normal. It's easy to miss signs
A year of dating to decide on marriage is not quick. It does not take a year to see a person's pro's and cons.
Seems like it was too quick for her lol
@@SiMPLYHaZZaRD Her mistake was that she is naive enough to think the marriage would fix the addiction. At 3:11 she says she thought the environment would be good for him. Classic “wanting to save a man”.
Exactly. She knew he was bad with money from the jump.
In this caseit seems like he was able to stay away from alcohol for a year. Maybe more time would have helped.
It depends on the person. My husband was sober when we met. We got married over 2 years later. After a little over year of marriage he started drinking again.
Woman sounds balanced and intelligent... was it the physical that blinded her into the marriage before fully vetting him....messy situation lady...just do not wait to long to divorce him if he will not change because it could destroy you and your child’s lives...GL
Yeah, he must be hot.
She knew he was an addict, she just thought that marriage would somehow fix it or be a guarantee that he would not relapse. 3:11
Great, great advice. Loved it when you say get yourself together or I am leaving. The first time I’ve ever heard you say that.
Married 6 years and my wife is in the same boat as her husband. No money, no savings, most of her money goes to alcohol.
I bought her a van and paid it off in two years, I told her she is responsible for service and maintenance and it would be a good idea to have a savings account with a minimum of 3k incase she needs to have it fixed after warranty. 5 years later and no savings. She has no other financial obligations as I had my house 6 years before we got married and she refused to contribute after we got married, not much I can do about that.
So terribly sad. 😢😢😢 Where was Dr John when I needed him 23 years ago? 😢. I can relate to all of this dear girl. My heart breaks for you. If he can't find a way to get completely sober for good, you're going to have to leave. The alternative is a lifetime of soul crushing loneliness, heartache and betrayal. And you and your baby deserve so much better. 😥💔🙏
Crazy how victims and abusers seek each other out. It's like they (we) are magnetized to each other.
They are co-dependent.
LEAVE. He is not a "wonderful guy" as long as he is an alcoholic.
Do not enable addicts by giving them money!!!Don't rescue them from the problems they get themselves into. Enabling just keeps them in their addiction longer.
I said very similar things to my wife within the first year of marriage. We've been married for 25 years because of the incredible amount of Grace she was willing to give me. It turned out I wasn't an addict but it was bipolar disorder and one visit to the psychiatrist and getting on medications changed our lives completely less than a year ago. There are many root issues besides mom and dad's fault, although that could be true too.
Rushed into the marriage isn't a good excuse for divorce. You hear it a lot with people who got divorced. It's either we rushed into or we were young. To me, those are cop outs. Makes you feel better for why you were willing to let the marriage fail.
With addictions, it's a different story. If it' leading into an abusive route then yes go ahead a get out. If the addict is working on getting clean then you stick around and fight. I'm in recovery myself and my wife being by my side has made a tremendous difference. Especially after relapsing 7 months ago. Also, knowing that you can't really do more than lending your support and having patience
So endure 😣
You don’t need an “excuse” for a divorce. If that’s what’s best for your child, that’s what is best.
I had a fiance I used to do everything possible to help him, alcoholic and addicted to cocaine he almost killed me. Protect yourself by leaving.
An addict is a child.
Yah, always thinks of what feels good in the present. Long term thinking not there
And you wouldn’t ever consider marriage to a child... just saying
@@patriciacole8773 exactly!
Addiction are so bad 😔Working on my hubby to stay clean. Has been so hard....
My wife has been by my side while I have been in recovery. It's been a huge help during the process. You are one strong woman for being by his side
@@mikemcallen2212 thank you 🙏🏻 I love him to death and I wish and pray he will recover . He’s the love of my life no matter what we’ve been through, I believe in change and healing, I will pray for you too 🙏🏻
You're a strong woman,lady!
How is he doing after 3 years?
Alcohol abuse is a symptom. Financial irresponsibility is a major red flag (before entering into a relationship).
It might not work out in the long run. She should run in the other direction unless he changes.
Well they’re already married
@@benjamingreen9540 it’s called a divorce
Your story was my story. I fixed his credit three times, I tried to fix the IRS and he sabotaged it. He hates me now because I finally moved out. I felt like the mom. I’m now putting my life back together at 68. I’m tired and have to run a business forever.
Separate or get a divorce. Addicts will destroy you. Dont put up with that bs.
She should consider leaving if things don’t change.
Start your own recovery and look after your baby. Prioritize your self.
I’m so happy I’m single and child-free.
Tough road to her desirable outcome. This dude needs to hit rock bottom and then re-built from the ground up. Prayers to this gal.
No, she married a child. He mans up or you take your baby and leave.
She said "For better, *OR FOR WORSE* " Guess what?! Sometimes it's for worse!
Addiction is a choice
Nope, it's a choice if you're not committing to sobreity.
If commit stands then it's not a choice.
It’s not a “season”, it’s a lifelong struggle being his Mom, not being treated life a wife and partner.
1 year is not rushing
didnt ask the right questions
@@guzlemuzle Yes that's true but she had a whole year to do it.
@@SarahR2D2 i was agreeing with you
@@guzlemuzle Sorry
He will not change.
She sounds like his mommy, not his wife. She already has a real little child, she doesn’t need a big one. One problem if she leaves, he will want half custody of the kid, and that’s not safe.
Three things she needs to do is her Husband and her have to do is he has to get Sober. Be on the same page Financially. It feels like she is lonley to the point where she needs to have a man. That's why things are not going well for her.
The safe,unsafe question gets there faster when you have kids. If she can't trust her husband to watch, care for or financially support the child. I think she is already at the point where she need to draw the line in the sand.
I’ll speak from the alcoholic side of the equation. I’m sober now and always was good with money, but I wasn’t always that sober in our relationship. It’s been two years, we’ve been engaged, but I got dumped a month before our wedding because I could not guarantee that I’d stay sober the rest of my life. No alcoholic or addict can because that’s not how it works. Do not marry someone who is in recovery unless you actually love them enough to stick with them through their troubles. Don’t waste your time, don’t waste their time. You CANNOT leave them high and dry if they relapse. Period. It is YOUR responsibility to help him/her if they slip. I am so freaking grateful my ex left me when she did, because she was clearly not willing to be there for me as if I had cancer, diabetes, AIDS, malaria, etc. it’s the exact same thing and they are not someone worthy of commitment.
Alcoholics are selfish. Everything is about them. We have to be responsible for their whole everything and they get to be drunks because they are “sick”.
What if thr addict lies and refuses to see someone. My ex lied repeatedly and refused help. I was the one calling rehab doctors psycologists addiction specialists. Sometimes you have to go
Leave and see if he changes.
They both sound like they have problems.
Same. Got 2 kids, 10& 14 and have lived thru my husbands alcohol addiction. He has the same attitude. "At least I dont do thiz or that"..
Its been going on since my kids were little. It was easier to hide cause they didnt understand. Now that they are older they see it. Tho he mostly just passes out. It has just become the norm. Decent dad on the weekends, having fun together for part of the day, then by 3-5pm the drinking sets in.
He comes home super buzzed every night.. Until he passes out by 7pm.
He doesnt have a super early job. Leaves at 730am.
Just tons of excuses. My dad was the same.
He just got a DUI too.
Messed up cars, lost jobs, drinking and driving.
I know separating is the right thing for my kids but financially I dont know how to do it.
😢
It sucks too cause you love them but you go thru the anger, unforgiveness, then numbest.
Sad that it messes up all their relationships and they seem oblivious.
Don't pick a fixer upper man find one that works Dr. Laura
I kept my place and decided to become a single mother again. These comments reassure me I 100% made the right decision for my daughter ❤
She sounds like a very intelligent woman, but she is going to have to stop enabling him by virtue of living under the same roof and cleaning up his messes. She’s intellectualizing and still in denial as to just how serious this is or she’d be out the door by now. When hubs looks at the beautiful 3 month old baby boy he must feel terrible guilt for being the loser that he is, and feeling like a loser makes you abuse alcohol even more to numb the pain. He needs a new visual which is living alone and earning the privilege of being in the baby’s life at all.
I've survived living with now under control addicts (my parents). Why no specific advice in this to suggest he join AA? Or some other kind of support group? Addiction needs support, not judgment or command. Dave Ramsey literally runs faith-based support groups for finance. Why not mention that kind of support for addiction? I agree in giving an ultimatum, but you have to balance it with support rather than judgment and there are communities for that. Not saying that would work in this case, but I've certainly seen it work.
Sorry she can’t own his mistakes. If he loses his job he didn’t lose their job. It effects both of them, but it’s his mistake. She needs to get away from him. He will ruin the child and whole family.
Anna...you need to leave him and protect your baby. You are not your husband's priority right now!! So sad
Phil and Kay Robertson (Duck Dynasty) had a similar issue back in the day with their marriage.
Married or not, you're a single mom now. You won't be able to fully trust him to be sober when caring for your child if you are away from home. Driving impaired is an issue. Driving impaired with the baby is an issue. Finances and debt are an issue.
It's a very long, difficult road. Give it serious consideration how long you want to travel it with him...and the implications to your child, now and in the future. He has a cunning and baffling disease . Take good care of yourself and your baby 🙏
Saving him from his financial disasters is supporting him drinking. Don’t do it !!!!
Sounds like an exact description of my biological father.
Thank you for the video
She needs alnon. It works. It helps you see the truth
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people are. 1 year is enough time to get to know someone enough to know that they are terrible with money. Even without the alcohol, he was a bad life partner. Silly woman.
Walk away now. If he gets his stuff together, maybe you can work it out then. Put his ass out.
Leave him now, believe me it will only get worse and you will become ill
What about an intervention? I have seen them work.
It’s not a pronoun problem, his is a possessive adjective…
Yay! I keep getting here early. Finally lol.
Take the check
Why have a child when your husband is an alcoholic?
Been there, twice
Your dead wrong on that one john she needs to tell him get cleaned up or she should cut bait or run
She married a loser after one year! Demand he get sober immediately or move out! She sounds like a doormat on the phone. If she does nothing, Enjoy being a sugamama!
Simpin is not easy.....
We’re talking about addiction here...
Why people thinks, after getting married you need to have bank account together? That's like 100years old myth...never understand
Try al anon and/or run
Love this man
Sometimes you have to live someone from a safe distance
@@crazeekids9744 she is talking about the Doctor i think
@@guzlemuzle haha! Yes I was! Thanks!
"Through sickness and health."
Thank you! Richer or poorer too!
No
Rubbish
Stop encouraging single motherhood. Caller seems was too happy.
Onna? Did he mean Anna?
This isnt 1950. Get his ass out. Providing for his life is bollox. Move on x.
No offense his back went out and she wouldn’t help him financially(laughs it off) ... “for better or for worse in sickness and in health”... that’s seriously cold and I’ve gotta wonder if this guy senses she doesn’t value him as equal(that would sure be a reason to relapse by itself)
After living my childhood with a family of drunks. I got my fill of drunks, trust me, I am seriously cold about drunks and their problems too.
@@marycarricaburu3683 yeah but honestly sounds like a which came first chicken or egg scenario here
It sounds like she wants all the good and none of the bad.
@@bigpicturethinking5620 Unless you have lived with an Alcoholic or drug user you have no idea what you are talking about. I am not talking about "normal" relationships, which this is not.
@@marycarricaburu3683 I’m with you on this
He’s not changing sis. You have to get out and walk away
She said "For better, *OR FOR WORSE* " Guess what?! Sometimes it's for worse! Marriage is "until death do us part"
I wish that were held true by more people.
Nope
@@patriciacole8773 care to elaborate?
Only to certain extent. I’m not about to sacrifice my life for an addict. Call me selfish...but at least I won’t be dragged down and possibly become broke and homeless.
I firmly believe in marriage. My husband and I have been married for 31 years. I am also an adult child of alcoholic parents. I promise you, living in a severely dysfunctional alcoholic home is ALWAYS "worse" for the children, the "better" part never comes. This family needs intense addiction counseling. Until and unless the dad gets clean and sober, that little boy will grow up with the scars to prove "for better or worse" didn't work. He will grow up surviving his childhood, not living it. Fact.
Her voice sounds like she is around 16-18 years old. Plus, the immaturity!
Married after one year together so dumb........
Date, marry, kid, all within 2 years. Now let’s deal with all the issues we knew about. Brilliant
A bird annoying somebody abour money......woooo sounds like fun