the whole of his family, drink, drugs, dodgy stuff ...I felt so out of place & knew something was off !! I wasn't a drinker but felt forced to drink on family events ! 3 yrs later when I look back at this wreck of a family I'm so lucky to have escaped them ...🙏👌
A drunk narcissist from my experience is like stepping on a minefield full of eggshells. Literally anything could set them off. The best thing I found to do was stay quiet and get out of the situation. Since she left me, I found out from others who know my ex, that she’s been treating other people the same way after drinking.
Yeah a brutal honesty with a lot less filters, gets messy. I do believe emotions get amplified as well, perhaps already extreme and held in but certainly an amplification of the speed at which they are expressed rather than a more gradual, civil, and composed handling of an adult. Basically reverts emotional regulation and accountability to the state of a child in drunkenness. A sober narcissist might become a fully realized dark-triad throwing tantrums when drunk.
Actually, studies have shown that alcohol can and does induce personality changes. It removes inhibition such that people are more impulsive and say or do the first thing that comes to mind. This may not reflect their true or more well-behaved selves.
But would it not then be not only reasonable, but logical to assume that the first thing that comes into the mind of a bigot would not be the first thing that comes into the mind of someone who was not a bigot? That the first thing that comes into the mind of an abuser, a rapist, a misogynist, a bully... be entirely different from the first thing that comes into the mind of someone without any of those qualities? I never suggested that alcohol doesn't change what a person DOES or how they BEHAVE. I said it doesn't change who a person IS.
@@purpleiguana208You can be severely in distress, by say PTSD, which can make people spiral out of control when combined with massive amounts of alcohol. This doesn’t reveal their true selves at all, just their hopelessness and pain. Or say, someone is mourning the death of a loved one. Combined with massive amounts of alcohol this will reveal pain and agony, not the true self of the person. Often hopeless people, who are in despair, will be more likely to show some form of destructive behavior. This doesn’t mean the person is self destructive.
Narcissism + substance abuse = nightmare. Every trip we went on was ruined by his drinking. Also it was like the taunting and bullying behavior was on steroids when he drank. And he didn’t even try to conceal his obsessive lust and staring at other women when he was drinking. Ugh. My heart goes out to anyone still in this type of situation! I can’t even say how validating this video is for me.
It is so unnerving to read through comments and realize how we could be talking about the same person, yet we are not. That fact alone sinking in is so so scary. I hope you are doing well now.
DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG? i just cannot imagine I never knew much about the " Narcissist " people at all. I'm just 27! How come I didn't know this? Maybe cuz I didn't get to experience it before?! And I can not just imagine, how many people are in the same boat or have experienced this?? Woah! Demonic monsters,soul sucker,leech people! (This is what I have learned). **Something happened recently, which just again shook me to the core. I know everyone who listened to it told me I HAVE BEEN BLESSED TO GET AWAY FROM SUCH A PERSON! I believe it too now, but it still hurts me even after 6 months, why? Why am I so fucking genuine for shitty people? Recently went through something. Met someone for an arrange marriage( clicked on the 1st meeting,texted and thought there's mental compatability for sure).He was good looking and I'm a sucker for looks. He seemed so charming and impressive just like the man I wanted for a husband. 5 yrs elder then me(31 he was).He has an ego problem(he insulted in a way my dad and my bro over an audio msg when they were going around and checking about his drinking past).He told me about his casual drinking but he said he won't do it if I don't like it at all since I told him I won't move ahead if u drink.Later on, he did not lihe did not like my gift (local brand) and he told me he's into chanel/gucci brands and that he wouldn't even give this gift to his servants or that if u can't afford don't give one. Then one time he said " iwont change this is my nature,u need to focus more on what I say and understand my nature". Family was very imp to him,he said call my mom/sis beforehand as I need to come into his family and live. When I said call my bro(he had a bad footing with him in the start)he used to say don't push me and I will do on my own and then one day he got mad and said I won't do it even in the future too.I let it go. Passing some comments to me like"prove your worth first, or that respect has to be earned". I'm a freaking doctor and he was just running his own property business, he used to make me feel like I'm below him maybe? I always appreciated and said u are a self made man I like it, he wasn't educated much. Commented on my dressing( he was into light colours more, I was into bright colours, hI said ok will add light colours for him). Recently his mom said some stuff to my mom regarding they didn't like the "handcarry" in which the gift was given to her son. I for the first time took my family's side and told him over a call, that we aren't materialistic people etc. I told him to be neutral and think. Next day I see he blocked me from everywhere and texted " it's over, your last call has crossed all red lines ". I'm just so hurt heartbroken, he ended up blaming me? I had the most genuine intentions for him, was ready to do everything. Did i do something wrong by that last call? P.s its been 6 months since it happened. Just recently saw a video on insta, his wedding happened! Started to have flashbacks all over again.
My sister is a drunk narcissist. The things she says she wouldn’t say sober blows my mind. Every time I talk to her I hope it won’t be this way. But it is…every single time.
Same here. I have a 62 year old single younger sister living in my home who sits in her car and fills a powerade bottle with Vodka, and smiokes like a freight train. She works temp jobs. Sues the company for Workman’s Comp claims for injuries which may or may not have occurred there. Is suing McD’s for a Coffee burn to her thigh. Pays me only $50 for moving herself into my bedroom and I into another part of my house! Yes. I allowed the living situation to happen. No. I do not have to put up with the narcissistic smart mouth things she says to me. She is drawing SS benefits now so it’s time she gets her own place. God bless you in this journey, too! 🙏🤦♀️
Because they only have a spine & a pair of balls when drinking. Cowards can’t say to sober ever! The change is crazy in behaviour & it’s so annoying to be around them . Obnoxious & embarrassing they are . They also text you what they can’t say to you in your face . Cowards & Weak !
I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same devastation. Even my dog guilty whatever happens in his life. Living through the day is like winning lottery
@@DashadashaPilova My dad is this - he's "normal" until about two and a half beers in - THEN - he changes into a know - it -all, nobody is smarter than him, coward asshole!
Watching my father rant and rave at the dinner every night is what convinced me to stay away from alcohol altogether. Friends would always talk about the sense of "high" and "relief" they got from drinking, but all I could see was the ugliness and pain it caused to everyone else.
So relatable. So very relatable. My father was an alcoholic, but, he died when I was 8, and then my mother fell apart, found another alcoholic man to move in, who encouraged her into heavy drinking, and so three siblings were raised by an alcoholic...it wasn't until the years passed that I began to realize there was something different about my alcoholic mother because she didn't change her ways for the better when she was sober, as did other family alcoholics...and eventually I learned about narcissism. For me, in the end I needed more than just knowledge and strategies...I needed real healing (there was violence and foster homes in my childhood as well) and, in time, my desperate search for healing led me to Jesus. Understanding, boundary establishment and behavior modification took me only so far...but it never healed the emotional pain and over reactive nervous system that I'd lived with even after I made the necessary changes to ensure I had less narcissists in my life. Today I can literally 'smell' a narcissist or an alcoholic from far off...it's like Jesus left just enough pain in me to trigger me (warn me?) to avoid the narcissists. Pray for, yes, have coffee with, no.
@@cymbolichuman433 people will act like weed is just as bad as alcohol. The human body has an endocannabinoid system, but it does not have an alcohol system, so the proof is in the puddin
@@cymbolichuman433 I really believe from studies I read it mostly calms people and stops muscle cramps and spasms. So it must have an ANTI CHOLINERGIC EFFECT ON TJE BRAIN STEM
Narcissistic rage + alcohol = nightmare. I spent literal hours in my garage in these situations. Now the smell of beer makes me physically sick and the clinking of glass bottles, like beer bottles in the trash send me into panic attacks. Hours of hell.
Yes, like my FING cell phone. ALL RINGERS are off as if I see or hear REPETITIVE texts or calls I WANT TO EXPLODE. SHE CAN CALL HERSELF hundreds of times a day
The crack-shhhhh sound of a beverage can opening does it for me, especially early in the morning. Had a coworker who would open a sparkling water about 8am, caused a way bigger response in me than I realized. Mom wouldn't even finish her first cup of coffee in the morning before opening her first beer. She'd get home after work and open a beer before she even got in the house.
"I don't remember saying that," "I don't remember that," and "I don't know why I would say something like that" worked a few times, but I eventually realized all the things she said when she was drunk were true and all the things she said when she was sober were the lies.
I blamed his drinking for not remembering things that were important to me or that I mentioned and inconsistencies in his stories. He was a drunk narcissist and a cheater...things ended a couple of months ago, but I still feel sad and disappointed. The nice guy I met didn't really exist. I am still angry at myself for not seeing the red flags. I wish no one had to go through this experiences :(
@@dianacantor9882 my narc is my husband's sister. My SIL is the "hub" of the family, I'm sure you can figure out why. When she's not drunk she's "responsible" and "mature." "Dependable" and "reliable." Successful. When something needs to be done she's there to do it, whether you asked for her assistance or not. And then, we have to acknowledge the sacrifices, we have to praise the selflessness or else we ourselves are selfish. She's the most upstanding of citizens. Until she gets drunk. When she gets drunk everything comes out: How ungrateful we all are. How everyone in her family (*SHE) hates me. The disdain and disgust she has for her own brother, telling story after story from childhood, meant to embarrass and humiliate him. All of it so funny and entertaining, ha ha ha! Then, in the following days, after all the hurtful words and feelings, she wants to know why I'm ignoring her; that she didn't remember saying anything of those things, that she didn't know WHY she would say those things and so, there was no explanation. No apology. Nothing to be done. Just move on. Never said sorry. This woman ruined both of my pregnancies, the first directly and the second even after no contact. But the trauma from the rest of the family is why I watch these videos. Because she's still there even though I've separated myself. She goes on and on about how my baby doesn't look like anyone in HER family, that he only looks like me, and the implications are clear. And this is after no contact. I haven't spoken to her directly since Nov 2020, when her grandparents were hospitalized with COVID and she accused me of hiding my husband's phone and keeping that information away from him because he wasn't responding to her texts. He was sleeping, but you see what her mind immediately jumped to. After I confronted her and told her he didn't get the messages because he was sleeping (an issue he and I were already fighting about, with a young baby and all) she didn't apologize, but instead told me I couldn't blame her for thinking it, and that it was my fault she assumed that about me because I had been "disrespectful" in the past. All this to say, I'm sorry you went through that, but it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done to change it. I can't get away from my narc completely but I'm glad you were able to. My husband's mother is terminally ill and living her last days and the main person responsible for her care is this woman and it breaks my heart.
@@MeltedButterPrincess It is really heartbreaking when people tell you to "just move on" instead of discussing their actions and how they affected us. I hope these videos and all the help you can get teach you of ways to dealing with your SIL. I am incredibly helpful with Dr Ramani, the dr from Surviving Narcisism for their wisdom and for the survivors who share their experiences. I don't know where I would be withouth all these wonderful people's words.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? How do you treat this? The family doesn’t get that they cannot have a single drink. They don’t always binge drink, but it’s always a surprise to them when they act out and go into this rage. I can only wait for the train wreck.
My father is a narcissist with alcoholism. The amount of self pity and victimhood when he's drunk is astonishing, while he is at the same time assaulting his family both verbally and physically. And he honestly believes that HE is the victim.
Yes. Most of the time narcissistic fathers are getting away with doing crimes always behind closed doors -- All in the name of father's right to control the children he is biological father to.
Exactly!!! A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts... And with a narcissist, the alcohol reduces their ability to hold their mask on. I LOVE your videos, you've helped me so much. Thank you for educating me on these predators so I won't continue to make the same mistakes I did in the past. I can see them so clearly now. ❤
Well said, Jeannie, well said.💗. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I discovered you years ago. You have given words and validation to feelings I was unable to define at the time bc I had been gaslit for so long that I did not even trust my own reality. The combination of my abusers covert narcissism and his alcoholism were toxic and terrifying. All of your videos and advice have given me hope, confidence, and strength to get out of the relationship. Thanks and blessings to you and Dr. Romano, too. You both are making the world a better, brighter place. ✨🙏✨
@@Lambchop2701 Unfortunately I was with a Covert Narcissist for 4 years then found myself with a Malignant Narcissist.... That one I married. Had no clue, thought he was the man of my dreams. Through a lot of therapy and educating myself with Dr. Ramani's videos and Danish Bashir's as well, it's helped me by taking a break, observing and hoping not to make the same mistakes again. The alcohol I noticed as a pattern with both, as they lost their cognitive abilities, they also lost their ability to hold onto the mask and their true selves were exposed. Crazy how they operate.
Khoa Ngo... They are the devil incarnate!!! They have a lot of demons on them because they do wicked deeds in the darkness... they sleep around, open gateways to demonic possession through drugs and alcohol... so glad I got out 12 years ago! They destroy your life!
My ex boyfriend was a narcissist that drank heavily almost every day. He would say the worst things imaginable to me. He would take the things I'm most vulnerable about in the relationship and loved to use to it against me during many arguments. For example, my dad died and two weeks after his death he used my dad's words against me knowing that my dad and I ended on bad terms.. I'm just happy I'm out of that relationship. It broke me down emotionally, mentally, and physically. Karma always works wonders because he ended up getting a DUI in a different state and he's stuck there on probation. I wouldn't have had the strength to leave that relationship if it wasn't for doctor Ramani. I got into my college program, I'm making amazing grades despite my heavy work load, and I've met some amazing friends I can lean on. (:
My husband is a cocaine addict, narcissist, and has had 2 affairs over the past 3 years. Life with him is getting unbearable. He got really drunk last night and was so mean to me. This morning I woke up and stumbled on this video. Everything you say makes so much sense. Thank you.
He got tired of drinking alone and started giving me night caps every night. Filling my cup when it looks empty. Every night. I am an alcoholic in rehab. He started this and I continued when I left. I get the last word as I am free and dry. That’s a massive win for me.
Tricia, it's so messed up how their behaviours become our behaviours. How their dysfunction becomes our dysfunction. Then we get blamed/judged and end up suffering even more than we had during the relationship. I'm so happy you're doing so much better. The good part about it is this isn't at your core who you are, it's who you became to mesh, to get along with, and eventually to cope. But because it's not who you are at your core, you have such a bright future ahead of you! Keep fighting for yourself. You are strong, never forget that.
Patience. I did 17 yrs with a Narc and now free for 4 yrs. He didnt drink tho. I'm still catching up on sleep and just getting my daily posture back; I was a professionally trained ballerina! Healing does not have a goal line. Hang in there, love.
32 years married to an alcoholic narcissist & didn't realize what was up until a few years ago. I always thought it was his drinking & my ineptitude that was the issue. Now things are so much clearer.
Drunk narcisists are an absolutely appauling and horrifying sight! The sheer thought of it makes me freeze and dissociate with an overwhelming sensation of the presence of evil at work! Thank you dr Ramani.
It was like dealing with a Jekyll /Hyde character.This weird behaviour would start when the alcohol kicked in, belligerent aggressive and controlling.I would dread the evenings, the next morning was even worse in recovery mode ,everybody had to be on hand to serve.
EXACTLY! I lived thru this too! So thankful to be free. He had such a hold on me…thanks to Covid for shutting the world down and keeping me away from him. 🙏🏻
jekyll and hyde is exactly how i've been describing them. I didn't realize the volatile mix of who he really is with the alcohol would be so....so.....I just don't have words.
This was my father. Yes. Yes. Yes. He was vicious and went out of his way to cause as much pain as possible. He enjoyed causing pain. There is much more. He could inhibit when needed. Life got much better when he died a few years when he was in his 80's. So glad he is gone. The world is a better place now.
You just described the ex father in law and his son A malignant narcissist alcoholic I thankfully divorced. The worst combination to create the living nightmare of misery they create.
Scapegoat here, raised by two physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive narcissistic alcoholics, in addition to other addictions (pills, gambling). I was called dramatic, neurotic, selfish, while they rugswept, minimized, blame-shifted, invalidated, gaslighted. My brother died of alcoholism but I somehow got out, not without my scars and persistent guilt for being more resilient than my sibling. Overcoming generational trauma and breaking cycles while I raise my own children is my motivation. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for being an important part of my life-long healing journey.
Dear Scapegoat, good for you! Sounds like you endured a pretty rough upbringing and survivors guilt (loosing your siblings)is never fun. However, you are managing to rise above it and raise your kids in a much better way. I am proud of you, keep up the good work!! 👏🥰
@@olamideojetunde9419 He was neglected and not allowed to be himself, rather he was forced to be the son that our controlling father visioned. He and I were one year apart and I ended up in a pseudo-parenting role, which was indicative of the truly messed up family system.
@@jeanineeilers2711 Thank you for your kind words. Many days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent, and it's quite a learning experience! I tend to think of the exact opposite of how I was raised and use that as my baseline. Feelings are real and always okay in MY house!
Having an alcoholic, Covert Narcissist Mother has been a waking nightmare. The abuse, neglect, ENDLESS and AGGRESSIVE gaslighting. She has ravaged my life and I have been no contact for the better part of a year. All my love and empathy to anyone who’s life has been damaged by this nuclear toxic combination.
I had the same setup. Stay strong and give yourself the love our mothers never gave us. Remember that you deserve peace not the cruel chaos of a covert narcissist alcoholic mother
Yes, mine isn't an alcoholic but certainly a narcissist in personal matters and unfortunately my sister got the same. I found a lot of peace in my life to limit anything personal with them as much as possible and seeking out a "social" social circle instead that "allows" a much more reciprocal conversation for everyone to resonate with. Not brutal inferiority, insecurity, deflection of everything towards the speaker as a means to leverage them for personal gain. When I spent too much time with them, I found myself depersonalized and detached - feeling less and less, this is their game, narcissists want you to be completely void of your self for their complete manipulation access. It's a real danger of the will to want to live in the most extreme and narcissist will only blame you, even continuing to blame people no longer with us as if they are still with us just for the illusion of power.
Growing up with an alcoholic narcissist father was awful. He would crack open his 1st beer at 10 am, and drink through out the day. No physical abuse, just verbal and psychological. 14 years since his death, and I still can recall that dark black mood of his, and the sense of pure dread and fear I would feel in my gut.
I feel the same about memories with my father. He is still alive and I hate that I was born because my mind is filled with him. Might change once he goes.
This is what my children are in therapy for right now. Unfortunately, the courts don't recognize this as the kind of abuse that limits their time with him. As long as they don't see him drinking while they're at his house, they have to go get retraumatized every other weekend. All I can do is try to mitigate the damage with therapy and educate them about narcissism. Being careful not to denigrate him because then I'm violating the rules.
@@whitneyv.8211 my violent narcissistic dad died 15 years ago and I thought once he died I would finally be free of him but sadly it didn’t workout that way for me. My whole personality moulded to his drinking and narcissistic rages and it has coloured my whole view of the world and particularly men. I have had years of therapy but I am still a terrified mouse who falls apart at the sound of a raised voice. I can’t imagine ever feeling safe. I hope it’s different for you.
My ex husband is a covert narcisist (at least I think so). He went through phases getting drunk - very talkative at first, then he'd get amorous (I'd actually hate this part), then he'd get fall down drunk, then pass out for about an hour & then wake up & not be aware what he was doing & saying. During the first phase, he would start saying loudly anything he wanted. The amorous phase, he'd be super all over me, wanting to hold hands, kiss but if I rebutted his advances, he'd get SUPER pissed & cause a scene. He'd want me to hug him or look him in the eyes. I was completely stressed out & tbh I resented this because he didn't act this way when he was sober. The pass out drunk phase was horrifying because I knew I'd only have an hour or two before he'd wake up & he'd be doing weird stuff like eating a whole head of lettuce or trying to scoop out candle wax because he thought it was butter or putting bbq sauce in milk. A couple of times almost burning down the house by putting things in the stove or microwave. If I tried to intervene, he'd get terrifyingly angry, screaming at me or throwing things, in front of my kids. Sometimes he'd try to get out, once he went in the backyard naked. A few times he'd wake up & have cuts or bruises from when he fell down. It was so scary & traumatizing & I'd tell him about it the next day & he'd kind of shake his head & laugh like it was nothing. I asked him several times to stop drinking & he'd deflect, telling me to lose weight or whatever. The saddest thing was that when I told him I wanted a divorce, he stopped drinking, stopped tobacco, was attentive & started helping me. It only reinforced what I already knew - he COULD treat me with kindness, respect, he could help me out around the house, he could have chosen to be a part of our family instead of making me responsible for everything (and ultimately blame me for everything that went wrong)...he just CHOSE not to. I was only important to him so he could take zero responsibility for everything wrong in his life. I was his "punching bag".
@@Weazlegirl You really still don't believe you were dealing with a demon possessed person who just happened to be drunk? Food for thought. This whole narcissistic thing is demonic spirits control of a humans soul n intellect. Drugs or alcohol just activate the demon like on steroids.
My narc is an alcoholic who would push and push until he had me in tears, and would then smirk and start mocking me. This went on for decades. Sleep deprivation, keeping me isolated, Ending our relationship literally saved my life.
They will totally deny the night before, I got to the stage I had to start recording his behaviour and he still used to say “well you must have said something or done something to make me behave that way” 🤦🏼♀️I left six months ago and still cry about that fact I feel lost , little steps each day ❤❤❤ we can all get there with the help from this fantastic lady xx
Totally agree with you... Alcoholics are a nightmare, add narcissistic behaviour and it's a double whammy. Dr Ramani is fabulous, her book is brilliant.
The scars they leave..."that's your opinion, but I'm offended you think that," "I'm sorry you feel that way," "well, I didn't mean to hurt you so you should understand what I'm going through," "I'M NOT YELLING, I'M NOT MAD I'M DISAPPOINTED," "I didn't have a drink - oh that glass is from yesterday"...
My ex drank every night and justified it cause he “worked”…self employed carpenter with inconsistent jobs. His mother was in AA but was in total denial that he had a problem. And the next day he was MISERABLE and I felt so unwanted I felt like I needed to leave… and the cycle would repeat over and over. It escalated when his dad got cancer and died…he was mean drunk and mean sober. Two years of that and I finally left. My codependency and attachment issues wouldn’t let me leave. Now I look back and think never again. Thank you Dr Ramani, you helped me get there. Two years later you still put content out that helps me.
DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG? i just cannot imagine I never knew much about the " Narcissist " people at all. I'm just 27! How come I didn't know this? Maybe cuz I didn't get to experience it before?! And I can not just imagine, how many people are in the same boat or have experienced this?? Woah! Demonic monsters,soul sucker,leech people! (This is what I have learned). **Something happened recently, which just again shook me to the core. I know everyone who listened to it told me I HAVE BEEN BLESSED TO GET AWAY FROM SUCH A PERSON! I believe it too now, but it still hurts me even after 6 months, why? Why am I so fucking genuine for shitty people? Recently went through something. Met someone for an arrange marriage( clicked on the 1st meeting,texted and thought there's mental compatability for sure).He was good looking and I'm a sucker for looks. He seemed so charming and impressive just like the man I wanted for a husband. 5 yrs elder then me(31 he was).He has an ego problem(he insulted in a way my dad and my bro over an audio msg when they were going around and checking about his drinking past).He told me about his casual drinking but he said he won't do it if I don't like it at all since I told him I won't move ahead if u drink.Later on, he did not lihe did not like my gift (local brand) and he told me he's into chanel/gucci brands and that he wouldn't even give this gift to his servants or that if u can't afford don't give one. Then one time he said " iwont change this is my nature,u need to focus more on what I say and understand my nature". Family was very imp to him,he said call my mom/sis beforehand as I need to come into his family and live. When I said call my bro(he had a bad footing with him in the start)he used to say don't push me and I will do on my own and then one day he got mad and said I won't do it even in the future too.I let it go. Passing some comments to me like"prove your worth first, or that respect has to be earned". I'm a freaking doctor and he was just running his own property business, he used to make me feel like I'm below him maybe? I always appreciated and said u are a self made man I like it, he wasn't educated much. Commented on my dressing( he was into light colours more, I was into bright colours, hI said ok will add light colours for him). Recently his mom said some stuff to my mom regarding they didn't like the "handcarry" in which the gift was given to her son. I for the first time took my family's side and told him over a call, that we aren't materialistic people etc. I told him to be neutral and think. Next day I see he blocked me from everywhere and texted " it's over, your last call has crossed all red lines ". I'm just so hurt heartbroken, he ended up blaming me? I had the most genuine intentions for him, was ready to do everything. Did i do something wrong by that last call? P.s its been 6 months since it happened. Just recently saw a video on insta, his wedding happened! Started to have flashbacks all over again.
@@za1600 No. You did everything right. I feel badly for the woman he married, I think that she will be in for a big surprise and it will not be a good one. Good luck on finding a suitable husband.
@@kirpdeb some spiritual lady told me right at the start, when I asked her about him(showed her his picture), she commented: he's selfish and not reliable and he's not suitable for your future! I ignored thinking, aren't we all selfish to some extent?!?. When I later on asked her when it ended, about what did she mean by reliable? She said something like, " he would drink later on or something like such people would divorce you if you something like that". (IMAGINE this is coming from someone who does not know the guy at all). I certainly did not deserve this all... I was shocked to see him get married, and I started questioning that such people can also find life partners?and they seem happy!!! What a selfish piece of shit:-( I thought maybe he'd understand that what his mom sis said was wrong, maybe he would be mature and take side for the supposedly connection that we said we had, but nope, all I got was i crossed all red lines on that last call! I wasn't even rude on that call. At first i also thought, he would treat her right ( the new wife),or his family would too, but my friends said NO he would not change, he is and was a jerk!!! Someone said ,they are not the people who would treat any one right. It's just sad that I had to go through all of this in those 3 months...
Sometimes when I’m watching one of these videos, I have to pause it to get up and walk around. It’s like there’s such a flood of memories and emotions that I have to stop and catch my breath before I can really digest it. This was one of those videos. I knew my covert narc father and enabling mom had alcohol problems long before I was able to understand the dysfunctional family roles; but, it was learning about NPD that brought it all together. When I went no contact in 2020, I didn’t have the knowledge. I just knew I had to get away from my family for my own survival. The first year was like magic, just not having to deal with them anymore. But now I’m trying to learn and understand. It’s a difficult and ugly journey but one that I feel is necessary for my healing. Thank you to everyone for sharing your knowledge and experiences. It has made a tremendous difference in my journey. ❤️
Lacecurtainirish I totally do that as well! Some of the Narcissism videos "trigger" my life experiences and I do pause the videos to let myself remember and try to understand the trauma that I experienced... we all are a product of our environment as children and we need to understand what happened. Children are trapped until they grow old enough to get out. Even then, the wounds are carried long into adulthood... until we get into enough emotional pain... then we can start on our recovery path... it's excruciating to re-live it, however, very necessary...
I’m the same way watching the videos, I can only bear so much , then come back because otherwise I know it will bring me down so much I’ll being the broken record intrusive thoughts again
2018 for me I knew I had to leave to save my own life. Life is much better being that scapegoat that escaped. Now they must look each other, who's going to be our next scapegoat. Hard Choice when you're all the same.
The first 30 years of my marriage were fueled by my husband’s addictions. The addictions fed his narcissism and he had a never ending supply of supporters. When he sobered up, he didn’t know how to cope with his true inner feelings, so he had to create new ways of dealing with them. He turned his focus on our children and did whatever it took to control their lives. He became very financially supportive of them, not allowing them to be independent of him. When they would disappoint him, he would act very cruel towards them. This eventually led them back to trying to be the perfect children to keep the peace (and to fuel his narcissism). People saw him as very generous, but they didn’t see the price attached to his “so called” generosity.
Yes. That's when the mask slipped for the first time. It was shocking, to say the least. This individual that I thought were this kind, loving person turned out to be the polar opposite. A horrible experience, unbelievable. Almost like a scene from "The Exorcist".
Yes I agree... I always said it was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... his features changed when he got drunk... and he looked demonic... even the dog was scared of him and recognised the face...
This is a nightmare that is destroying our family. Most of all this is a daily occurence so there is never respite. And my young adult children are beginning to shut us out, him for his behavior and me for not being able to protect them.. They already know if I try something it only gets worse😢
I had two relationships with very narcissistic people, and both were prone to drinking. Towards the end of both relationships both were getting intoxicated on a daily basis and their behavior was out of control. Narcissism and alcohol is a dangerous combination and brings out the worst of an already disgusting personality.
Miss E.. 100% agree with you.. we were lucky to escape with our lives!!! My ex became an alcoholic, was never around (always at the pub), found out that he got somebody pregnant... they are nasty, spiteful bullies who are hateful, abusive, mean, cruel! They blame everybody for their perceived problems - even when they had everything they could ever ask for - a beautiful home, cars, pool, great job, great friends, great family, pets, money ... it was NEVER ENOUGH!!! They are black, dark vapid souls .. devoid of any human emotion or LOVE.. the most painful realisation when it's "over" is that they played you and that your relationship be it marriage etc was ALL FAKE!!!! It's a knife in your soul and that wound takes a very long time to heal and overcome!
Omg!!! Me 2🫢I done married one divorced her ass and got into another narcissistic relationship again with the same behavior🤦🏽♂️💯it’s definitely not my fault I was a loving person but they done destroyed my character completely! That’s why I know that in my next relationship I’m definitely not going to ignore the red flags in the beginning especially if they have a drinking problem💯
This is all so familiar. I've been attributing bad behaviour to booze and it's taken me 20 years or so to realise that the bigger problem is narissism.
18 yrs with an alcoholic narisstic abuser - so glad to be free of that negative demonic behavior. They know what they are doing, they will never own up to it, they are not capable of loving unconditionally. Know your worth, have boundaries and run from a narcissistic person.
This is so true. Ex-husband, malignant narc or phsycopath, became raging demon after a beer. He would became so violent, that I would hide my daughter from him. It was as though a horror movie became reality, kind of "The Shining".
It’s true They don’t need very much to flip the switch It is one of the ways of knowing if you are dealing with a narcissist Jekyll and Hyde And when it happens the Demons are unleashed.
The first time he got drunk, he character assassinated me for 4 hours straight! Prior to that night he was charming and had been very consistent in his mood. We had been together for 13 months at this point. Needless to say, I left him the following week. Thank you for helping people identify and avoid these people x
Storm Aurora I wish I'd been as smart as you and left within a week after my exnarc showed his true colors. Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐 on being so smart and strong!
My mother was found dead in her home on September 2, 2016. She was a major alcohlic and had borderline and narrististic personality disorder. She was a horrible mother. She was very unloving. Never a kiss, a story, a hug, a comfort, a wink just a stern look and my sister and I were terrified of her. Here's the thing, she was so nice and loving to everyone else....she beat our brows with her rage when she came home. She told my sister and I, constantly, what crappy Mother's We were to Our children later after we had grown. I don't miss her. I hated and loved her too but I am actually glad that she is gone because the turmoil that this woman kept up in all of our lives is unfounded. I cannot say I am sorry. I can't.
I can completely relate to being relieved when she died, I felt the same way about my alcoholic/drug addict father who had sociopathic traits when he died, he made my life pretty miserable and traumatizing, I loved him but disliked him for always manipulating me... he was having me participate in crimes by 8 y/o despite my opposition, besides that he was pleasant in his demeanor towards me but beat my mother in front of me without any reservations. I'm glad he showed me what not to be.
I believe both of my parents are, and we're. My father was the alcoholic with rage my mom use to be. My father passed away, I cried for a day then relieved that I would not have to endure his verbal abusive behavior. I was the child that had to babysit my younger brothers and my parents..
This just touched me and gave me shivers from head to toe....Unfortunately me and my sister too experienced every single thing you mentioned. I am worry you had to live with that because I know how hard it must have been. I'm still dealing with it and it feels like it never ends with the BS, day after day after day....Thanks and I wish you the best! ❤
My narcissistic estranged husband is a massive alcoholic. He is impossible to deal with sober . He is drunk 98 percent of the time so this behavior is a regular occurrence.
"You're the reason why I have to drink!" -my ex narc, after she put her hands on me and destroyed my glasses. In front of our children. Before driving off to one of her other supplies.
My mind is blown!! I knew the ex was an alcoholic but now I realize he was narcissistic too...so verbally and emotionally abusive especially when drunk... I'd been to hell and back. Walk away from these jerks and you will feel so much better.
I much needed this video. Thx I've noticed with the narcs that I know alcohol made things worse over been wondering if sometimes they use drinking as an excuse for their behavior or their reasoning to say they don't remember....I know whenever they drink the most hurtful things come out of their mouths, next day they want sympathy for them not feeling well and your so pissed/hurt by the night before your left in a haze of your own.... while they either don't give two shits to ask what happened, don't remember or just don't care. 😒😔
She drank specifically to get drunk, because she hated her emotions and she didn't want to feel. I can't imagine what an emotional hell it is to be a narcissist, but holy sh*t the drinking was intense, and then the behavior became legendary.
The drunk episodes of my ex are one of the worst memories of my whole life. And the minimising and awkward explanations of that behaviour on the next day even worse. These people are fu..ing vampires...
I'm the scapegoat child of a narcissist, who groomed my older sister to be just like her. Both brothers are flying monkeys. I married a narcissist, who was a drunk. He got his in the end, as did my mother. They always do. They destroy themselves. Maybe not in the way you want or how quickly you want it to happen, but it does happen. Until then, the best way to get to a narcissist is to concentrate on your own happiness and that means keeping them at a distance.
First marriage was 19 yrs to an alcoholic narcissist. I was 18 he was 23 and seemed so grown up to me. I was vulnerable and naive and in a difficult relationship with my divorced mother and brothers. This man was also intimidating too. The marriage was hard because any issues I had with his drinking he would blame on my age and used my issues with my family for all our problems. He was a hard worker and I was trying to go to junior college (class till noon then part time job till 5) but had to give it up because I was expected after school to work with him on his night job which took us well into the night. I didnt know when marrying him he was in alot of debt. I was so exhausted I would fall asleep in class too much so barely passed the first year. After he quit his job and moved us out of state and he tried pushing me into an open marriage which I reluctantly participated but ended it as there was interest in me but not so much in him which just angered him. I didnt want that kind of lifestyle so it stopped. When we started a family and I became a mom I grew up more and he drank less but would have occassional drunken bouts which were hours of me listening to alot of very nasty verbal abuse and name calling that I endured silently. The next day he was fine and since he couldnt remember what he said or did thought my hurt feelings were unjustified. I found things to do that I had a gift for and blossoned even more into my own person which seemed to bother him more. He begin to tear everything I did down if he couldnt control it. His drinking picked up again and his threats were thrown right back at him till his manipulative mind decided I was no longer useful so he got rid of me. Back then I had no clue about alcoholism or narcissism. I was single for a number of yrs then remarried and sadly it was to a sneakier more manipulative narc with a pot habit he hid well. It did flair up off and on over that 22yrs like the first husbands alcohol which kept us in continous financial turmoil. He cost me a home, all my belongings, and my good credit and now I have nothing. But now I know what narcs and addicted people are. Its been painful looking back at my life with this knowledge seeing it for what it was and mourning what could have been. But hopefully my last years will be at least more peaceful.
I welled up with tears when I read this, I totally empathise with your journey. Your last words hit me hard, 'Its been painful looking back at my life with this knowledge seeing it for what it was and mourning what could have been. But hopefully my last years will be at least more peaceful.' I've been thinking the same myself in the past few yrs since educating myself about addictions, abuse, codependency and narc abuse - especially learning from here and other resources how to identify them - I wished I'd known years ago and not lost my best years. God Bless you and Good Luck😇🙏💜
Your story is also very close to my heart. It sounds very very familiar and I question myself all the time...why couldn't I have known sooner...it's almost embarrassing and shameful that I let him take the best years of my life...but there is no looking back...only forward. I hope everyone gets what they are looking for because heaven knows we deserve it!
Oh my goodness 😢 I was 19 when I got with my alcoholic narcissist he was 31 ... 18 years later I feel like I'm 60 I feel so broken I can't see the future. Lost so much 😞 endured so much put my kids through so much cause I'm stupid didn't see things as they clearly were .
2:18 He never did anything in front of people. He would always save it until we were alone. He was far too concerned with looking like the perfect guy, impressing everybody and making sure everybody liked him when we were in a group. 🙄😒 But, hell yes, when was drunk - he was FAAAAAR worse!!
So happy to be rid of him and his alcohol addiction Dreaded going out to any restaurant or any place that had alcohol- Sundays all day drinking ❤ Peace is priceless
Him drinking turned Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde! Very mean and nasty! He would argue with me, blame me for everything and curse at me! Alot of Mental, emotional and even some physical abuse! Then he would over "Apololie" cause his apologies were all lies! After 3.5 years I'm so glad I went No Contact!!
yep. and they wait to lose it 'til you're alone which means they actially could not be assholes if they think it is worth it. they just dont think you are.
I remember once, on my birthday, my drunken father screaming at me about cleaning the shower in the bathroom. His face contorted into a mask of rage. It was like my very existence infuriated him. I don't understand why people like that have children at all. Now that he's older he's rude to my children, like he assumes that they are no good.
This was the exact last argument between my ex husband and our 19 year old son. A few hairs in the bath, the narc rage, throwing things at him. Just enough!! Now divorced and he is saying “what happened “? Er, you happened.
Michael W ,, Brother I am so sorry you had to endure this !!! Praying that you are safe and in a much better stage of your life! If your Dad refuses to stop being rude to your children go "no contact" .. you are all much better off without him and his destructive abuse xxx
My narc quit drinking 2 years ago. A little less messy but... The devaluing and berating became SOBER. When he was drinking I had hope if he stopped drinking he'd stop being a douche. Nope. It got better skilled and more enunciated.
This happened to me, he would rage and storm off, pack up the garage with his stuff so he gave up drink. Oh wow the devaluing and cleverness after destroyed me so much more. He was covert so think his mask blew off with drink at least I knew what he was thinking and we could talk about it after. He would just nod and agree though until discard. But with mo booze he became so passive aggressive and much more cruel xx
I so know that story! Currently living it. He isnt quite as mean, but still acts with uncontrolled anger at times. And now there is a lot of future faking along with it. Trying to decide when to move on as I took my vows seriously so it is an internal struggle with my own beliefs on top
@@pegasus5287 I know this too... my dad taught me loyalty to family so I stayed for nearly 3 years... we were engaged I cancelled wedding though as knew something wasnt right. The longer I stayed the worse it got. Be careful and remember your health and happiness and good luck with whatever you decide xx
It was already nightmare enough trying to put up with the abusive malignant narcissist alcoholic, but when he was drunk (basically every day) his abuse ..verbal and physical including death threats ,selfish ,obnoxious ,vulgar ,irresponsible ,reckless …..behavior was off the charts
Amazing you posted this today. A neighbor, an alcoholic narcissist - died last week. Her “celebration of life” is being held right now - in the local bar.
This has been my life. First with my mother and now with my husband which I'm in the middle of divorcing... I'm going to finally be free once this is over. To finally figure out who I am and start living my own real and true life...
I grew up with a drunk mother, and overtime, I got to realize that even when sober, the problems were still there and from there I understood she was a narcissist. Tried to make boundaries over the years, it sparked her RAGE mode. For my latest birthday party, I made an event in a bar, and after intense reflexion, I decided to not invite her there. I made a family dinner on the day of my birthday, where she was invited, and it went fine. However, when she learned that she wasn't invited to the bar, RAGE mode sparked again, even though many of the family members tried to reason with her. She would not have it. Instead, seeing as I know how to stand up now, she decided to not attack me, but she decided to attack my sister's children and told us that until we make her the queen of the night at the same bar, with all MY friends, she will refuse to see her grandchildren, and she cancelled all of their activities, no matter the pain it inflicted them.... Now, she is on my block list, I want nothing to do with her. I spent the last 11 years out of 36 to try to reason, try to explain, try to fix this.... to no avail... I lost my mother to her narcissism.
My covert narc ex tumbled headlong into alcoholism. His web of lies started to unravel because he couldn't keep all his stories straight anymore and I lost all trust in him. Then he blamed my lack of trust in him for his inability to get sober (because that makes sense.) The upside, I suppose, is that I finally realized how terrible the relationship was and I left.
The narcissist who I lived with for 25 years was an alcoholic as well. He used to get drunk very quickly and behave very aggressively when drunk. Nobody could stop the men, very scary.
Dr. Ramani, my ex husband was an alcoholic narcissist. I was waiting for you to use his name! Thank you for all you have helped me understand this past year.
"Liquid courage" is what I called it. My ex would go on a binge about every third day. I'd call home before leaving work and ask if we needed milk or anything just to see what I would be walking into when I got home.
The "dean" of our friends group went off at me after a friend's wedding. He kept going, getting drunker, and he started in with me, yelling at me in front of everyone. He was saying inappropriate stuff about how my riding motorcycle and playing guitar is just compensating. I messaged him a couple months later, saying that I decided that the friends group "had been just a phase in my life, and because of his actions, that phase is over." He replied with the same denial and minimizing you mentioned. Now I'm the petty one for making new friends- oh well.
I've been married to an alcoholic narcissist for 20 years...it's a roller coaster ride for sure! Also, throw gout into the mix, and that ramps up the meanness to a whole new level!
I cut every contact with my narcissistic ex when I noticed that his abuse exponentially increased after he started drinking. Thank you for your video, it makes me firm in my decision to not go back for any reason.
My experience was quite different. The narc in my life was a happy, jovial drunk who was a lot of fun to be around. A laugh a minute! It was only when he was sober that his narc traits emerged. Being naive about both alcoholism and narcissism, I wasn't sure which was the "true man." I finally realized it was the sober man.
Yes, my narc was a sweet happy drunk, and it was the only time he was able to feel and show love and affection. Early on he told me when he's drunk is when the truth comes out. I think I stayed as long as I did because I believed deep down he really loved me, since that's what came out when he was drunk. But when he was sober it was like those conversations had never happened, like I was dealing with two different people. He acted like I was delusional, and I felt like a fool. It was hard to know which was the true man. I finally decided he may actually truly love me, but the way he treats me "in real life" (i.e. sober) is what matters, and the two were never going to magically start matching. I couldn't stay and keep my self respect too.
I have a similar situation. When he is drunk, he is loving,making promises which will be forgotten, the moment alcohol cleans up . It's exhaustive living with two guys in one shell . One who is not open for any discussion , thinks he is perfect etc. And has not an iota of affection and care and will not hear a single advise of mine coz I preach. While that drunk one, drinks a bottle or vodka at a time in hiding and pretends a beer and remembers nothing. He played the victim card for a long time. For me ,i really want to fix this drama coz I personally believe in fixing problems and not escaping them . I guess this abuse will turn me harsh and insensitive.
Most narcissists are depressed and anxious, they drink to cope. My old friend is bpd, he drinks weekly much. To the point he gets food from food banks.
✋🏼 I’ve never clicked a video so fast in my life! It’s closer to my SIL wedding and her telling a bunch of dudes how much she wanted to cheat on her fiancé with them last august is eating at my consciousness. I feel guilty for knowing this cause I’m very fond of my future BIL… BUT all we can do is keep our no contact going on, no matter how painful right now. Just supporting the heck outta my wife as she grieves her relationship with her nephew and family members that may distance even more after this wedding takes place. Best of luck to everyone who is going through this stuff. Drunk narcs are the worrssst seems like. Drunk or not though, they’re so much to have to put up with and everyone deserves better. ❤️
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️I always thought my mother was an alcoholic, but when she was in rehab and quit drinking she still acted horrible. Couldn't figure it out until your videos. (Narcissist) Then the husband🤦♀️even worse, at the bar every night, drugs/alcohol/infidelities . He wasn't just a narcissist he was a sociopath/psychopath. Diagnosed. He's been dead over a decade. What I wanted to tell you is the last couple of years since I found your videos have been the MOST important time of my life. You solved the unsolved mystery for me after 3 deades of confusion. I have learned I have blocks in memory, but somehow you find them and pry them open when I can't even remember them. You hit the nail on the head. What I have to remember is that I'm not responsible for his actions or the person he was. There is not a thank you big enough to encompass all you have done for us. ❤
I became involved with the narcissist they were a practicing alcoholic, and it was no secret. The first two years of the relationship, while he was drinking, he appeared somewhat detached and aloof, not really interested. The first time I wanted to end the relationship, his attitude completely changed. He cried desperately, literally on his knees, begging me not to leave him and threatening to kill himself. He agreed to get sober, so I gave him another chance, even though my guts were telling me that this was over for me. In my situation, the narcissist became much worse after he quit drinking. He became very controlling and obsessive. He had to know where I was every minute of every day. He had to approve the clothes that I purchased for myself with my money. He ran off any new friends that I made in the new city where I had been future faked into moving to. Those two years turned into six years. Six years of darkness, berating, control, and accusations. The suicide threats also escalated, and they morphed into suicide/homicide threats. Everyone was so please that he had “got his life together” so they discounted his behavior and treatment toward me. Leaving that narcissist, and his family, was a harrowing feat. I lost everything, but I gained my precious freedom. I read somewhere in an al-anon book that sobriety takes the mask off and reveals a person’s true nature. That was true for me.
The last man I dated is a narcissistic drink that drank every single day. He would scream on the balcony outside about the neighbor downstairs. He would insult my heritage. Everyone was a target. He was the most vile human being that ever crossed my path. He woke up angry, insulting, couple that with his drinking…unbearable. I’m happy to say that I finally left after 3 years of daily abuse. It has been 2.5 years I left and I thank God he’s in the rear view mirror. I still startle any surprising noise, I’m hyper vigilant if my surroundings, we are never the same, but I will never forget. Anytime I see any spec of semblance I walk away. I don’t care for an explanation. I learnt my lesson. Thank you Dr R, this video really hit home.
This is so true Dr. I've learned so much about Narcissist and thank you because now I know what to look for meeting people now that everything is getting back to a, (new) normal. I would like to start dating. Times are different, I'm 56 with 2 grown sons. It's me on my own and I would like to be in a loving, caring, sane, trustworthy relationship with someone at this stage of my life. I watch all of the stuff that goes on and I'm like a groundhog...I stay inside my room for protection. But I'm lonely..I have to figure this out. I know to run fast if I see Narcissistic stuff when I do get back out there.
My marriage to my narc husband has been filled with a plethora of his addictions, alcohol being the most prominent. At the worst, many asked why I didnt leave. Even though I didn’t know of narcissism at the time, I knew he would never let go of me and our children and would expose them to worse behaviors, people and circumstances in order to fuel his narcissism. It might not be the right choice for others, but I stayed and attempted to do damage control from within. I got mental health assistance for my children and I, created a healthy support system and did our best with the tools we had. Those of us that have families with a narcissist understand the power they can have over others (especially their children) and how difficult it is to truly get away from it. It wasn’t perfect but we have survived. Now I think I am his worst nightmare because I refuse to let him set the standards for who I am and how I feel. My adult children have their own challenges, but each day I am proud of the inner strength they find and show.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the SICK narcissist. How to juggle your feelings of empathy and kindness for a sick person (i.e. addiction, cancer, long term illness, disability, etc) while still keeping firm boundaries and not being hoovered.
Mary Shelly, my thoughts? For all they're worth. Let 'em be sick, by themselves. I'm a compassionate person. Never would I do this to the average sinner here. It depends on what level their damage of others is and whether they've repented for it. If they haven't done this? Not my problem. I don't care who it is ....
They probably use every chance they get to manipulate and use their illness as an excuse to mistreat people just the same as a regular narcissist will use their trauma and childhood as an excuse for their behavior
My god this is what describes me most accurately when I'm drunk and stoned i lose empathy and just go off how i feel with no concern of what i do to others and when i sober up and regret my actions i don't even apologise i get angry that it was bought up I'm a terrible person and the root cause is my insecurities i recognise it in other people also and double down on them tbh it all comes from self hatred 💯
My daughter and I lived through this whole scenario for 19 years, and she made the remark to me after we had gotten out, "Mom, no one will ever know what we went through." I can add 3 patterns of behavior that he displayed with his drinking, and yes, he was narcissistic without but the drunken rages turned Mr. Hyde into an even worse monster. His most frequent way was to stay at the bar and who know where else after work and to any wee hours of the morning (at least 3 nights per week) and then come home and terrorize us, break things, threaten, abuse verbally and me, physically. The next morning he would act like he was 'on top of the world, happy, elated'. I am sure this was a way of gaslighting, like - see nothing happened, all great! If his episodes took place at a family function or wedding, he would demand we get into the car drunk with him. If he got drunk at a family gathering in home, he would persecute me all then next day as if to punish me for him having to deal with that. Strange 3 patterns of behavior that were constant and regular. Scary, sad and obvious. He would not admit to his problem and certainly could not 'stop' drinking, would binge and could not hold his liquor or his behavior in check. But you are correct when you say they can turn it on or off when it 'suits' them, because when around HIS family, he was a good as gold!
For 7 years i Just thought he had “passion” for wines , wine tasting etc...then i noticed it wasn’t Just one glass of wine and it wasn’t only wine but also super alcoholic drinks such as bourbon and rum and cognac! One month ago we were out for dinner, easy and peaceful evening, then boom ! Alcohol consumption and then rage/insults/madness! The real him was unveiled once again and he started saying without second thoughts everything he had inside! I left him and started therapy asking My therapist to Please help me to not go back again. It is getting better every day and i hope this time it’s forever!
Thank you hit this video Dr Ramani. I wish I had this knowledge decades ago. I was one who believed the issues had to do with drinking; especially having had an alcoholic parent. It took me decades to realize there was a lot more going on. You are correct, the drinking just makes the bad behaviors worse and I did believe for so long that because I thought it was solely a drinking issue that it could somehow still be worked out. I am glad that today t to here is a place to gain more knowledge about this. Thank you!
I've spoken multiple times with friends who are alcoholics in recovery. They were a breath of fresh air for me. The level of accountability and responsibility they hold themselves to now in recovery is healing to my soul. Every single one I have spoken to has validated my hurts, ministered to my broken heart and gave me such encouragement when I desperately needed it. I remember one of them told me "Not every narcissistic person is an alcoholic, but every alcoholic IS a narcissistic person". The selfishness, deflection, defensiveness, blame shifting, lying, cheating, irresponsibility, emotional disregulation.....EVERYTHING that shows up in a narcissistic person, is present in an alcoholic. My friends encouraged me to attend Al-Anon which is for friends and family of alcoholics but I wanted to talk with more alcoholics in recovery. I grilled my friends with all my questions about why this and why that and don't they know that this hurts? EVERY SINGLE ONE of them validated me, validated my grievances and every single one of them told me "It is NOT YOUR FAULT, and there is NOTHING you can do for that alcoholic. They have to help themselves". It brought a great deal of healing for me.
I went to Al-Anon as well, and I found out that it was all about keeping abuse victims stuck with the narcissistic alcoholic. I 100% agree that all alcoholics are narcissists. My ex had two DUIs before I met him, and he got the third one shortly after I broke up with him.
@@TxHoneyBee they spend too much time telling the spouse or family how wrong they are. That they too have an addiction and I’m just not down with victim blaming.
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Drugs and Alcohol.
Get more than nasty.
Dark and Evil.
A drunk narcissist was the worst experience in my life.
Mine, too.....and the drunk crap after we split...."I don't remember"......most of the horrid crap I took.
Oh yes, he drunk every day, he couldn't function without alcohol
Same here and substance abuse. It carried on to me and I had a childhood full of drug use
Absolutely. It's the worst when it's your child
the whole of his family, drink, drugs, dodgy stuff ...I felt so out of place & knew something was off !! I wasn't a drinker but felt forced to drink on family events ! 3 yrs later when I look back at this wreck of a family I'm so lucky to have escaped them ...🙏👌
A drunk narcissist from my experience is like stepping on a minefield full of eggshells. Literally anything could set them off.
The best thing I found to do was stay quiet and get out of the situation.
Since she left me, I found out from others who know my ex, that she’s been treating other people the same way after drinking.
I've said so many times... alcohol doesn't CHANGE who a person is. Alcohol REVEALS who a person is.
Yeah a brutal honesty with a lot less filters, gets messy. I do believe emotions get amplified as well, perhaps already extreme and held in but certainly an amplification of the speed at which they are expressed rather than a more gradual, civil, and composed handling of an adult. Basically reverts emotional regulation and accountability to the state of a child in drunkenness. A sober narcissist might become a fully realized dark-triad throwing tantrums when drunk.
Actually, studies have shown that alcohol can and does induce personality changes. It removes inhibition such that people are more impulsive and say or do the first thing that comes to mind. This may not reflect their true or more well-behaved selves.
But would it not then be not only reasonable, but logical to assume that the first thing that comes into the mind of a bigot would not be the first thing that comes into the mind of someone who was not a bigot? That the first thing that comes into the mind of an abuser, a rapist, a misogynist, a bully... be entirely different from the first thing that comes into the mind of someone without any of those qualities?
I never suggested that alcohol doesn't change what a person DOES or how they BEHAVE. I said it doesn't change who a person IS.
@@purpleiguana208You can be severely in distress, by say PTSD, which can make people spiral out of control when combined with massive amounts of alcohol. This doesn’t reveal their true selves at all, just their hopelessness and pain.
Or say, someone is mourning the death of a loved one. Combined with massive amounts of alcohol this will reveal pain and agony, not the true self of the person.
Often hopeless people, who are in despair, will be more likely to show some form of destructive behavior. This doesn’t mean the person is self destructive.
It actually seems worse when they're coming off of the alcohol and they've documented the chemical change in the brain that happens.
No apologies are ever given. Always ruined holidays.
That's my sister I'm embarrassed to be around her
Yes!
@@donnawheeler2195 so true
Agreed 100%
And birthdays!! Stay a step and a half ahead of em
Narcissism + substance abuse = nightmare. Every trip we went on was ruined by his drinking. Also it was like the taunting and bullying behavior was on steroids when he drank. And he didn’t even try to conceal his obsessive lust and staring at other women when he was drinking. Ugh. My heart goes out to anyone still in this type of situation! I can’t even say how validating this video is for me.
Man... I hate alcoholics with a passion and even those I love.
Same!! Ugh
It is so unnerving to read through comments and realize how we could be talking about the same person, yet we are not. That fact alone sinking in is so so scary. I hope you are doing well now.
Omg, I totally understand!!!!
DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG? i just cannot imagine I never knew much about the " Narcissist " people at all. I'm just 27! How come I didn't know this? Maybe cuz I didn't get to experience it before?! And I can not just imagine, how many people are in the same boat or have experienced this?? Woah! Demonic monsters,soul sucker,leech people! (This is what I have learned). **Something happened recently, which just again shook me to the core. I know everyone who listened to it told me I HAVE BEEN BLESSED TO GET AWAY FROM SUCH A PERSON! I believe it too now, but it still hurts me even after 6 months, why? Why am I so fucking genuine for shitty people?
Recently went through something. Met someone for an arrange marriage( clicked on the 1st meeting,texted and thought there's mental compatability for sure).He was good looking and I'm a sucker for looks. He seemed so charming and impressive just like the man I wanted for a husband. 5 yrs elder then me(31 he was).He has an ego problem(he insulted in a way my dad and my bro over an audio msg when they were going around and checking about his drinking past).He told me about his casual drinking but he said he won't do it if I don't like it at all since I told him I won't move ahead if u drink.Later on, he did not lihe did not like my gift (local brand) and he told me he's into chanel/gucci brands and that he wouldn't even give this gift to his servants or that if u can't afford don't give one. Then one time he said " iwont change this is my nature,u need to focus more on what I say and understand my nature". Family was very imp to him,he said call my mom/sis beforehand as I need to come into his family and live. When I said call my bro(he had a bad footing with him in the start)he used to say don't push me and I will do on my own and then one day he got mad and said I won't do it even in the future too.I let it go. Passing some comments to me like"prove your worth first, or that respect has to be earned". I'm a freaking doctor and he was just running his own property business, he used to make me feel like I'm below him maybe? I always appreciated and said u are a self made man I like it, he wasn't educated much. Commented on my dressing( he was into light colours more, I was into bright colours, hI said ok will add light colours for him). Recently his mom said some stuff to my mom regarding they didn't like the "handcarry" in which the gift was given to her son. I for the first time took my family's side and told him over a call, that we aren't materialistic people etc. I told him to be neutral and think. Next day I see he blocked me from everywhere and texted " it's over, your last call has crossed all red lines ". I'm just so hurt heartbroken, he ended up blaming me? I had the most genuine intentions for him, was ready to do everything. Did i do something wrong by that last call?
P.s its been 6 months since it happened.
Just recently saw a video on insta, his wedding happened! Started to have flashbacks all over again.
"Alcohol becomes a magnifying glass for the worst qualities of the narcissistic person!" 💯
Oh my God, such a brilliant comment!
@@vincentoravec261 Dr. Ramani totally gets narcissists 🌟
Narcissist screen name
Yes yes, imagine the amnesia syndrome by dawn
I think alcohol is the cause - not a magnifier - alcohol destroys most drinkers and makes them a narcissist even when sober.
My sister is a drunk narcissist. The things she says she wouldn’t say sober blows my mind. Every time I talk to her I hope it won’t be this way. But it is…every single time.
Same here. I have a 62 year old single younger sister living in my home who sits in her car and fills a powerade bottle with Vodka, and smiokes like a freight train.
She works temp jobs. Sues the company for Workman’s Comp claims for injuries which may or may not have occurred there. Is suing McD’s for a Coffee burn to her thigh. Pays me only $50 for moving herself into my bedroom and I into another part of my house! Yes. I allowed the living situation to happen. No. I do not have to put up with the narcissistic smart mouth things she says to me. She is drawing SS benefits now so it’s time she gets her own place.
God bless you in this journey, too! 🙏🤦♀️
Because they only have a spine & a pair of balls when drinking. Cowards can’t say to sober ever! The change is crazy in behaviour & it’s so annoying to be around them . Obnoxious & embarrassing they are . They also text you what they can’t say to you in your face . Cowards & Weak !
I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same devastation. Even my dog guilty whatever happens in his life. Living through the day is like winning lottery
The worst. They say the most evil and vile things about you, but are really talking about themselves. It still hurts though.😢
For hours he was jelling downstairs by his own 😢😢😢😢
Right
@@paulineklostermann5877 argue with themselves
@@emmarae4322 so true
Yep.😔💔
Alcohol makes the Narcissist bolder and less guarded and their mask/disguise often slips and the true child appears.
No, the true monster appears.
@@DashadashaPilova My dad is this - he's "normal" until about two and a half beers in - THEN - he changes into a know - it -all, nobody is smarter than him, coward asshole!
My friend recently cut ties with me and now that I think of it, I think he did me favor.
@@zadeify9596 Was it HIM/HER, or yourself?
@@Bunnytoes666 I think I mentioned it already...
Watching my father rant and rave at the dinner every night is what convinced me to stay away from alcohol altogether. Friends would always talk about the sense of "high" and "relief" they got from drinking, but all I could see was the ugliness and pain it caused to everyone else.
I smoke pot. I knew I would be getting high on something...
So I chose to smoke and rarely drink. Even temperament.
So relatable. So very relatable. My father was an alcoholic, but, he died when I was 8, and then my mother fell apart, found another alcoholic man to move in, who encouraged her into heavy drinking, and so three siblings were raised by an alcoholic...it wasn't until the years passed that I began to realize there was something different about my alcoholic mother because she didn't change her ways for the better when she was sober, as did other family alcoholics...and eventually I learned about narcissism. For me, in the end I needed more than just knowledge and strategies...I needed real healing (there was violence and foster homes in my childhood as well) and, in time, my desperate search for healing led me to Jesus. Understanding, boundary establishment and behavior modification took me only so far...but it never healed the emotional pain and over reactive nervous system that I'd lived with even after I made the necessary changes to ensure I had less narcissists in my life. Today I can literally 'smell' a narcissist or an alcoholic from far off...it's like Jesus left just enough pain in me to trigger me (warn me?) to avoid the narcissists. Pray for, yes, have coffee with, no.
@@cymbolichuman433 people will act like weed is just as bad as alcohol. The human body has an endocannabinoid system, but it does not have an alcohol system, so the proof is in the puddin
Hugs, yep.
@@cymbolichuman433 I really believe from studies I read it mostly calms people and stops muscle cramps and spasms. So it must have an ANTI CHOLINERGIC EFFECT ON TJE BRAIN STEM
Narcissistic rage + alcohol = nightmare. I spent literal hours in my garage in these situations. Now the smell of beer makes me physically sick and the clinking of glass bottles, like beer bottles in the trash send me into panic attacks. Hours of hell.
Yes, like my FING cell phone. ALL RINGERS are off as if I see or hear REPETITIVE texts or calls I WANT TO EXPLODE. SHE CAN CALL HERSELF hundreds of times a day
The crack-shhhhh sound of a beverage can opening does it for me, especially early in the morning. Had a coworker who would open a sparkling water about 8am, caused a way bigger response in me than I realized. Mom wouldn't even finish her first cup of coffee in the morning before opening her first beer. She'd get home after work and open a beer before she even got in the house.
@@om617yota8 And when they use those sounds in commercials/ads...
@@TheWelchcat Right! That too!
I cringe when I hear a can crack open
"I don't remember saying that," "I don't remember that," and "I don't know why I would say something like that" worked a few times, but I eventually realized all the things she said when she was drunk were true and all the things she said when she was sober were the lies.
I blamed his drinking for not remembering things that were important to me or that I mentioned and inconsistencies in his stories. He was a drunk narcissist and a cheater...things ended a couple of months ago, but I still feel sad and disappointed. The nice guy I met didn't really exist. I am still angry at myself for not seeing the red flags. I wish no one had to go through this experiences :(
@@dianacantor9882 my narc is my husband's sister. My SIL is the "hub" of the family, I'm sure you can figure out why. When she's not drunk she's "responsible" and "mature." "Dependable" and "reliable." Successful. When something needs to be done she's there to do it, whether you asked for her assistance or not. And then, we have to acknowledge the sacrifices, we have to praise the selflessness or else we ourselves are selfish. She's the most upstanding of citizens. Until she gets drunk.
When she gets drunk everything comes out: How ungrateful we all are. How everyone in her family (*SHE) hates me. The disdain and disgust she has for her own brother, telling story after story from childhood, meant to embarrass and humiliate him. All of it so funny and entertaining, ha ha ha!
Then, in the following days, after all the hurtful words and feelings, she wants to know why I'm ignoring her; that she didn't remember saying anything of those things, that she didn't know WHY she would say those things and so, there was no explanation. No apology. Nothing to be done. Just move on. Never said sorry. This woman ruined both of my pregnancies, the first directly and the second even after no contact.
But the trauma from the rest of the family is why I watch these videos. Because she's still there even though I've separated myself. She goes on and on about how my baby doesn't look like anyone in HER family, that he only looks like me, and the implications are clear. And this is after no contact. I haven't spoken to her directly since Nov 2020, when her grandparents were hospitalized with COVID and she accused me of hiding my husband's phone and keeping that information away from him because he wasn't responding to her texts. He was sleeping, but you see what her mind immediately jumped to. After I confronted her and told her he didn't get the messages because he was sleeping (an issue he and I were already fighting about, with a young baby and all) she didn't apologize, but instead told me I couldn't blame her for thinking it, and that it was my fault she assumed that about me because I had been "disrespectful" in the past.
All this to say, I'm sorry you went through that, but it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done to change it. I can't get away from my narc completely but I'm glad you were able to. My husband's mother is terminally ill and living her last days and the main person responsible for her care is this woman and it breaks my heart.
@@MeltedButterPrincess It is really heartbreaking when people tell you to "just move on" instead of discussing their actions and how they affected us. I hope these videos and all the help you can get teach you of ways to dealing with your SIL. I am incredibly helpful with Dr Ramani, the dr from Surviving Narcisism for their wisdom and for the survivors who share their experiences. I don't know where I would be withouth all these wonderful people's words.
My heart hurts so much from this. Idk what to do
Absolutely 💯 correct
The ONLY good thing about my ex being a drunk narcissist is that they would pass out by 7:30, and I had peace!
Ya. Then wake up to pee. Start again
Mine would be drunk before work ended at 4:30 p.m..
@@ginacassares6801so true ..I hope my father dies
Try for 6 hrs😔
😂😂😂 OMG! SO TRUE!!!
I often say (now) "Whew, I got a night/day of peace"
My narcissist was an alcoholic/addict. His behavior was like something out of a psychological horror movie, too bizarre to believe.
I believe, seen and been on the receiving end of some bizarre behaviour too.
Same! Much love and healing to all. ❤
Same.
Like some Hitchcock Psycho movie! Yep, I know unfortunately.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? How do you treat this? The family doesn’t get that they cannot have a single drink. They don’t always binge drink, but it’s always a surprise to them when they act out and go into this rage. I can only wait for the train wreck.
My father is a narcissist with alcoholism.
The amount of self pity and victimhood when he's drunk is astonishing, while he is at the same time assaulting his family both verbally and physically.
And he honestly believes that HE is the victim.
I wish people would actually learn from their failures and do better.
You accurately described the misery being “married “ to the ex.. an abusive cheating malignant narcissist alcoholic.
Yes. Most of the time narcissistic fathers are getting away with doing crimes always behind closed doors -- All in the name of father's right to control the children he is biological father to.
Covert Narcissist Red alert. The victimhood after being the aggressor. But they exist in spectrums and alcohol just amplifies the drama n shit.
Yes…this was my Grandma
Exactly!!! A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts... And with a narcissist, the alcohol reduces their ability to hold their mask on.
I LOVE your videos, you've helped me so much. Thank you for educating me on these predators so I won't continue to make the same mistakes I did in the past. I can see them so clearly now. ❤
Well said, Jeannie, well said.💗. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I discovered you years ago. You have given words and validation to feelings I was unable to define at the time bc I had been gaslit for so long that I did not even trust my own reality. The combination of my abusers covert narcissism and his alcoholism were toxic and terrifying. All of your videos and advice have given me hope, confidence, and strength to get out of the relationship. Thanks and blessings to you and Dr. Romano, too. You both are making the world a better, brighter place. ✨🙏✨
Hugs
@@KoolT ❤🥰🤗 Thank you!!
‘Alcohol reduces their ability to hold their mask on’ spot on!
@@Lambchop2701 Unfortunately I was with a Covert Narcissist for 4 years then found myself with a Malignant Narcissist.... That one I married. Had no clue, thought he was the man of my dreams. Through a lot of therapy and educating myself with Dr. Ramani's videos and Danish Bashir's as well, it's helped me by taking a break, observing and hoping not to make the same mistakes again. The alcohol I noticed as a pattern with both, as they lost their cognitive abilities, they also lost their ability to hold onto the mask and their true selves were exposed. Crazy how they operate.
Ever hear someone talk so spiteful and malicious ? Talk to a suspected narsisist when they are drunk , they can't really hold back the evil
Khoa Ngo... They are the devil incarnate!!! They have a lot of demons on them because they do wicked deeds in the darkness... they sleep around, open gateways to demonic possession through drugs and alcohol... so glad I got out 12 years ago! They destroy your life!
He told me he wanted me to see him as the devil. He kept repeating "Hate me. Hate me!" It felt so nightmarish
It's a living psychological horror film. A good one. If it was a film it'd be enjoyable .Living it is torture
He told me he was going to dig my eyeballs out and shit in my skull. Then he proceeded to strangle me
My ex boyfriend was a narcissist that drank heavily almost every day. He would say the worst things imaginable to me. He would take the things I'm most vulnerable about in the relationship and loved to use to it against me during many arguments. For example, my dad died and two weeks after his death he used my dad's words against me knowing that my dad and I ended on bad terms.. I'm just happy I'm out of that relationship. It broke me down emotionally, mentally, and physically. Karma always works wonders because he ended up getting a DUI in a different state and he's stuck there on probation. I wouldn't have had the strength to leave that relationship if it wasn't for doctor Ramani. I got into my college program, I'm making amazing grades despite my heavy work load, and I've met some amazing friends I can lean on. (:
Going through the same thing right now..thanks for sharing ur story..
Wrapped your vulnerabilities inside golden arrows for later when he would shoot you in the heart with them. I had this its truly shocking!😢
My husband is a cocaine addict, narcissist, and has had 2 affairs over the past 3 years. Life with him is getting unbearable. He got really drunk last night and was so mean to me. This morning I woke up and stumbled on this video. Everything you say makes so much sense. Thank you.
Mine is an anything addict. Mainly meth and alcohol. Took him 5 years to get sober and honestly I thought things would be better. They're not.
I’m going through this right now. Did you leave your husband ? Mine has the same characteristics
Mel Kizer .. Sister if you can .. start to plan your "escape"... run and don't look back!!! God bless you!! xx
Where you find Coke and Meth you will find Narcissists they are the favorites
Hope it’s safe to leave him 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽
He got tired of drinking alone and started giving me night caps every night. Filling my cup when it looks empty. Every night. I am an alcoholic in rehab. He started this and I continued when I left. I get the last word as I am free and dry. That’s a massive win for me.
My father put beer in my baby bottle when I was about 6 months old.
Tricia, it's so messed up how their behaviours become our behaviours. How their dysfunction becomes our dysfunction. Then we get blamed/judged and end up suffering even more than we had during the relationship. I'm so happy you're doing so much better. The good part about it is this isn't at your core who you are, it's who you became to mesh, to get along with, and eventually to cope. But because it's not who you are at your core, you have such a bright future ahead of you! Keep fighting for yourself. You are strong, never forget that.
Kudos, Tricia! 💜
Congratulations and good for you❤
Every addict tries to get others addicted not just narcs.
I was married to one for 34 years, knowing nothing about narcissism! 11 1/2 years out, I’m still not healed. Oh, the stories I could tell!
You have to take control
Patience. I did 17 yrs with a Narc and now free for 4 yrs. He didnt drink tho. I'm still catching up on sleep and just getting my daily posture back; I was a professionally trained ballerina! Healing does not have a goal line. Hang in there, love.
32 years married to an alcoholic narcissist & didn't realize what was up until a few years ago. I always thought it was his drinking & my ineptitude that was the issue. Now things are so much clearer.
Ditto!
Living with an alcoholic narcissist is like living in a minefield.
Drunk narcisists are an absolutely appauling and horrifying sight! The sheer thought of it makes me freeze and dissociate with an overwhelming sensation of the presence of evil at work! Thank you dr Ramani.
My wife once became so honest when she was drunk, that she later avoided drinking.
It was like dealing with a Jekyll /Hyde character.This weird behaviour would start when the alcohol kicked in, belligerent aggressive and controlling.I would dread the evenings, the next morning was even worse in recovery mode ,everybody had to be on hand to serve.
EXACTLY! I lived thru this too! So thankful to be free. He had such a hold on me…thanks to Covid for shutting the world down and keeping me away from him. 🙏🏻
Totally. You are not alone....
jekyll and hyde is exactly how i've been describing them. I didn't realize the volatile mix of who he really is with the alcohol would be so....so.....I just don't have words.
Me too…
That's exactly how I describe it.
This was my father. Yes. Yes. Yes. He was vicious and went out of his way to cause as much pain as possible. He enjoyed causing pain. There is much more. He could inhibit when needed. Life got much better when he died a few years when he was in his 80's. So glad he is gone. The world is a better place now.
I don't know about anyone else, but I am proud of you that you are brave enough to say that. Carry on, soldier.
@@stacyjaye6350 Thanks so much 💖
So relatable.
You just described the ex father in law and his son A malignant narcissist alcoholic I thankfully divorced. The worst combination to create the living nightmare of misery they create.
This is my ex live in boyfriend. We are better since we live apart. But I do miss the lifestyle.
Scapegoat here, raised by two physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive narcissistic alcoholics, in addition to other addictions (pills, gambling). I was called dramatic, neurotic, selfish, while they rugswept, minimized, blame-shifted, invalidated, gaslighted. My brother died of alcoholism but I somehow got out, not without my scars and persistent guilt for being more resilient than my sibling. Overcoming generational trauma and breaking cycles while I raise my own children is my motivation. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for being an important part of my life-long healing journey.
How was your brother treated
Dear Scapegoat, good for you! Sounds like you endured a pretty rough upbringing and survivors guilt (loosing your siblings)is never fun. However, you are managing to rise above it and raise your kids in a much better way.
I am proud of you, keep up the good work!! 👏🥰
@@olamideojetunde9419 He was neglected and not allowed to be himself, rather he was forced to be the son that our controlling father visioned. He and I were one year apart and I ended up in a pseudo-parenting role, which was indicative of the truly messed up family system.
@@jeanineeilers2711 Thank you for your kind words. Many days I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent, and it's quite a learning experience! I tend to think of the exact opposite of how I was raised and use that as my baseline. Feelings are real and always okay in MY house!
@@palmtreeparadise1129 Thanks for sharing and breaking the cycle!
Having an alcoholic, Covert Narcissist Mother has been a waking nightmare. The abuse, neglect, ENDLESS and AGGRESSIVE gaslighting. She has ravaged my life and I have been no contact for the better part of a year. All my love and empathy to anyone who’s life has been damaged by this nuclear toxic combination.
I hear ya 😢
I had the same setup. Stay strong and give yourself the love our mothers never gave us. Remember that you deserve peace not the cruel chaos of a covert narcissist alcoholic mother
Yes, mine isn't an alcoholic but certainly a narcissist in personal matters and unfortunately my sister got the same. I found a lot of peace in my life to limit anything personal with them as much as possible and seeking out a "social" social circle instead that "allows" a much more reciprocal conversation for everyone to resonate with. Not brutal inferiority, insecurity, deflection of everything towards the speaker as a means to leverage them for personal gain. When I spent too much time with them, I found myself depersonalized and detached - feeling less and less, this is their game, narcissists want you to be completely void of your self for their complete manipulation access. It's a real danger of the will to want to live in the most extreme and narcissist will only blame you, even continuing to blame people no longer with us as if they are still with us just for the illusion of power.
Belligerent, loud, abusive, angry, violent. I left thirty years ago and have never regretted it for one moment.
Growing up with an alcoholic narcissist father was awful. He would crack open his 1st beer at 10 am, and drink through out the day. No physical abuse, just verbal and psychological. 14 years since his death, and I still can recall that dark black mood of his, and the sense of pure dread and fear I would feel in my gut.
I feel the same about memories with my father. He is still alive and I hate that I was born because my mind is filled with him. Might change once he goes.
This is what my children are in therapy for right now. Unfortunately, the courts don't recognize this as the kind of abuse that limits their time with him. As long as they don't see him drinking while they're at his house, they have to go get retraumatized every other weekend. All I can do is try to mitigate the damage with therapy and educate them about narcissism. Being careful not to denigrate him because then I'm violating the rules.
@@whitneyv.8211 my violent narcissistic dad died 15 years ago and I thought once he died I would finally be free of him but sadly it didn’t workout that way for me. My whole personality moulded to his drinking and narcissistic rages and it has coloured my whole view of the world and particularly men. I have had years of therapy but I am still a terrified mouse who falls apart at the sound of a raised voice. I can’t imagine ever feeling safe. I hope it’s different for you.
Omg I know that feeling so well!!
The drunken covert is by far the worst experience of my life. I could write a book, several books, on the craziness I went through.
Definitely it's like a different person entered the room you see their truth without mask it's such a shock and then the aftermath xx
My ex husband is a covert narcisist (at least I think so). He went through phases getting drunk - very talkative at first, then he'd get amorous (I'd actually hate this part), then he'd get fall down drunk, then pass out for about an hour & then wake up & not be aware what he was doing & saying. During the first phase, he would start saying loudly anything he wanted. The amorous phase, he'd be super all over me, wanting to hold hands, kiss but if I rebutted his advances, he'd get SUPER pissed & cause a scene. He'd want me to hug him or look him in the eyes. I was completely stressed out & tbh I resented this because he didn't act this way when he was sober. The pass out drunk phase was horrifying because I knew I'd only have an hour or two before he'd wake up & he'd be doing weird stuff like eating a whole head of lettuce or trying to scoop out candle wax because he thought it was butter or putting bbq sauce in milk. A couple of times almost burning down the house by putting things in the stove or microwave. If I tried to intervene, he'd get terrifyingly angry, screaming at me or throwing things, in front of my kids. Sometimes he'd try to get out, once he went in the backyard naked. A few times he'd wake up & have cuts or bruises from when he fell down. It was so scary & traumatizing & I'd tell him about it the next day & he'd kind of shake his head & laugh like it was nothing. I asked him several times to stop drinking & he'd deflect, telling me to lose weight or whatever. The saddest thing was that when I told him I wanted a divorce, he stopped drinking, stopped tobacco, was attentive & started helping me. It only reinforced what I already knew - he COULD treat me with kindness, respect, he could help me out around the house, he could have chosen to be a part of our family instead of making me responsible for everything (and ultimately blame me for everything that went wrong)...he just CHOSE not to. I was only important to him so he could take zero responsibility for everything wrong in his life. I was his "punching bag".
@@Weazlegirl that's exactly what he does when it gets rocky he acts Mr perfect whilst I'm crumbling at this time xx
@@Weazlegirl You really still don't believe you were dealing with a demon possessed person who just happened to be drunk? Food for thought. This whole narcissistic thing is demonic spirits control of a humans soul n intellect. Drugs or alcohol just activate the demon like on steroids.
Same......
My narc is an alcoholic who would push and push until he had me in tears, and would then smirk and start mocking me. This went on for decades. Sleep deprivation, keeping me isolated, Ending our relationship literally saved my life.
They will totally deny the night before, I got to the stage I had to start recording his behaviour and he still used to say “well you must have said something or done something to make me behave that way” 🤦🏼♀️I left six months ago and still cry about that fact I feel lost , little steps each day ❤❤❤ we can all get there with the help from this fantastic lady xx
Totally agree with you... Alcoholics are a nightmare, add narcissistic behaviour and it's a double whammy. Dr Ramani is fabulous, her book is brilliant.
I left over a year ago, and still struggle. It’s hard!
The codependency is real. I’m happy to be away from him, but financially struggling BAD.
Drunk vs narc fir me - narcs just double own on the lie…
The scars they leave..."that's your opinion, but I'm offended you think that," "I'm sorry you feel that way," "well, I didn't mean to hurt you so you should understand what I'm going through," "I'M NOT YELLING, I'M NOT MAD I'M DISAPPOINTED," "I didn't have a drink - oh that glass is from yesterday"...
My ex drank every night and justified it cause he “worked”…self employed carpenter with inconsistent jobs. His mother was in AA but was in total denial that he had a problem. And the next day he was MISERABLE and I felt so unwanted I felt like I needed to leave… and the cycle would repeat over and over. It escalated when his dad got cancer and died…he was mean drunk and mean sober. Two years of that and I finally left. My codependency and attachment issues wouldn’t let me leave. Now I look back and think never again. Thank you Dr Ramani, you helped me get there. Two years later you still put content out that helps me.
This is a horrible vicious circle!
DID I DO ANYTHING WRONG? i just cannot imagine I never knew much about the " Narcissist " people at all. I'm just 27! How come I didn't know this? Maybe cuz I didn't get to experience it before?! And I can not just imagine, how many people are in the same boat or have experienced this?? Woah! Demonic monsters,soul sucker,leech people! (This is what I have learned). **Something happened recently, which just again shook me to the core. I know everyone who listened to it told me I HAVE BEEN BLESSED TO GET AWAY FROM SUCH A PERSON! I believe it too now, but it still hurts me even after 6 months, why? Why am I so fucking genuine for shitty people?
Recently went through something. Met someone for an arrange marriage( clicked on the 1st meeting,texted and thought there's mental compatability for sure).He was good looking and I'm a sucker for looks. He seemed so charming and impressive just like the man I wanted for a husband. 5 yrs elder then me(31 he was).He has an ego problem(he insulted in a way my dad and my bro over an audio msg when they were going around and checking about his drinking past).He told me about his casual drinking but he said he won't do it if I don't like it at all since I told him I won't move ahead if u drink.Later on, he did not lihe did not like my gift (local brand) and he told me he's into chanel/gucci brands and that he wouldn't even give this gift to his servants or that if u can't afford don't give one. Then one time he said " iwont change this is my nature,u need to focus more on what I say and understand my nature". Family was very imp to him,he said call my mom/sis beforehand as I need to come into his family and live. When I said call my bro(he had a bad footing with him in the start)he used to say don't push me and I will do on my own and then one day he got mad and said I won't do it even in the future too.I let it go. Passing some comments to me like"prove your worth first, or that respect has to be earned". I'm a freaking doctor and he was just running his own property business, he used to make me feel like I'm below him maybe? I always appreciated and said u are a self made man I like it, he wasn't educated much. Commented on my dressing( he was into light colours more, I was into bright colours, hI said ok will add light colours for him). Recently his mom said some stuff to my mom regarding they didn't like the "handcarry" in which the gift was given to her son. I for the first time took my family's side and told him over a call, that we aren't materialistic people etc. I told him to be neutral and think. Next day I see he blocked me from everywhere and texted " it's over, your last call has crossed all red lines ". I'm just so hurt heartbroken, he ended up blaming me? I had the most genuine intentions for him, was ready to do everything. Did i do something wrong by that last call?
P.s its been 6 months since it happened.
Just recently saw a video on insta, his wedding happened! Started to have flashbacks all over again.
@@za1600 No. You did everything right. I feel badly for the woman he married, I think that she will be in for a big surprise and it will not be a good one. Good luck on finding a suitable husband.
@@kirpdeb some spiritual lady told me right at the start, when I asked her about him(showed her his picture), she commented: he's selfish and not reliable and he's not suitable for your future! I ignored thinking, aren't we all selfish to some extent?!?.
When I later on asked her when it ended, about what did she mean by reliable? She said something like, " he would drink later on or something like such people would divorce you if you something like that". (IMAGINE this is coming from someone who does not know the guy at all).
I certainly did not deserve this all...
I was shocked to see him get married, and I started questioning that such people can also find life partners?and they seem happy!!!
What a selfish piece of shit:-(
I thought maybe he'd understand that what his mom sis said was wrong, maybe he would be mature and take side for the supposedly connection that we said we had, but nope, all I got was i crossed all red lines on that last call!
I wasn't even rude on that call.
At first i also thought, he would treat her right ( the new wife),or his family would too, but my friends said NO he would not change, he is and was a jerk!!! Someone said ,they are not the people who would treat any one right.
It's just sad that I had to go through all of this in those 3 months...
Sometimes when I’m watching one of these videos, I have to pause it to get up and walk around. It’s like there’s such a flood of memories and emotions that I have to stop and catch my breath before I can really digest it. This was one of those videos. I knew my covert narc father and enabling mom had alcohol problems long before I was able to understand the dysfunctional family roles; but, it was learning about NPD that brought it all together. When I went no contact in 2020, I didn’t have the knowledge. I just knew I had to get away from my family for my own survival. The first year was like magic, just not having to deal with them anymore. But now I’m trying to learn and understand. It’s a difficult and ugly journey but one that I feel is necessary for my healing. Thank you to everyone for sharing your knowledge and experiences. It has made a tremendous difference in my journey. ❤️
Same here!!!
You are not alone. Thank you for letting me know I’m not either.
Lacecurtainirish
I totally do that as well! Some of the Narcissism videos "trigger" my life experiences and I do pause the videos to let myself remember and try to understand the trauma that I experienced... we all are a product of our environment as children and we need to understand what happened. Children are trapped until they grow old enough to get out. Even then, the wounds are carried long into adulthood... until we get into enough emotional pain... then we can start on our recovery path... it's excruciating to re-live it, however, very necessary...
I’m the same way watching the videos, I can only bear so much , then come back because otherwise I know it will bring me down so much I’ll being the broken record intrusive thoughts again
2018 for me I knew I had to leave to save my own life. Life is much better being that scapegoat that escaped. Now they must look each other, who's going to be our next scapegoat. Hard Choice when you're all the same.
The first 30 years of my marriage were fueled by my husband’s addictions. The addictions fed his narcissism and he had a never ending supply of supporters. When he sobered up, he didn’t know how to cope with his true inner feelings, so he had to create new ways of dealing with them. He turned his focus on our children and did whatever it took to control their lives. He became very financially supportive of them, not allowing them to be independent of him. When they would disappoint him, he would act very cruel towards them. This eventually led them back to trying to be the perfect children to keep the peace (and to fuel his narcissism). People saw him as very generous, but they didn’t see the price attached to his “so called” generosity.
Yes. That's when the mask slipped for the first time. It was shocking, to say the least. This individual that I thought were this kind, loving person turned out to be the polar opposite. A horrible experience, unbelievable. Almost like a scene from "The Exorcist".
Yes I agree... I always said it was like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde... his features changed when he got drunk... and he looked demonic... even the dog was scared of him and recognised the face...
I've had the staring contest just to see and it's a cold energy I still absolutely can't relate to most people at all
The drunk narc was the craziest most horrendous experience I’ve ever been through
I just took 20 minutes of verbal abuse. I calmly tried to talk and say I don’t want to argue - he said this isn’t about you… it’s twilight zone level
This is a nightmare that is destroying our family. Most of all this is a daily occurence so there is never respite. And my young adult children are beginning to shut us out, him for his behavior and me for not being able to protect them.. They already know if I try something it only gets worse😢
I had two relationships with very narcissistic people, and both were prone to drinking. Towards the end of both relationships both were getting intoxicated on a daily basis and their behavior was out of control. Narcissism and alcohol is a dangerous combination and brings out the worst of an already disgusting personality.
Miss E.. 100% agree with you.. we were lucky to escape with our lives!!! My ex became an alcoholic, was never around (always at the pub), found out that he got somebody pregnant... they are nasty, spiteful bullies who are hateful, abusive, mean, cruel! They blame everybody for their perceived problems - even when they had everything they could ever ask for - a beautiful home, cars, pool, great job, great friends, great family, pets, money ... it was NEVER ENOUGH!!! They are black, dark vapid souls .. devoid of any human emotion or LOVE.. the most painful realisation when it's "over" is that they played you and that your relationship be it marriage etc was ALL FAKE!!!! It's a knife in your soul and that wound takes a very long time to heal and overcome!
Omg!!! Me 2🫢I done married one divorced her ass and got into another narcissistic relationship again with the same behavior🤦🏽♂️💯it’s definitely not my fault I was a loving person but they done destroyed my character completely! That’s why I know that in my next relationship I’m definitely not going to ignore the red flags in the beginning especially if they have a drinking problem💯
My God! It’s unbelievably messy. Especially, if the drinking gets worse!
This is all so familiar. I've been attributing bad behaviour to booze and it's taken me 20 years or so to realise that the bigger problem is narissism.
18 yrs with an alcoholic narisstic abuser - so glad to be free of that negative demonic behavior. They know what they are doing, they will never own up to it, they are not capable of loving unconditionally. Know your worth, have boundaries and run from a narcissistic person.
This is so true. Ex-husband, malignant narc or phsycopath, became raging demon after a beer. He would became so violent, that I would hide my daughter from him. It was as though a horror movie became reality, kind of "The Shining".
It’s true
They don’t need very much to flip the switch
It is one of the ways of knowing if you are dealing with a narcissist
Jekyll and Hyde
And when it happens the Demons are unleashed.
This is an absolute nightmare.
The first time he got drunk, he character assassinated me for 4 hours straight! Prior to that night he was charming and had been very consistent in his mood. We had been together for 13 months at this point. Needless to say, I left him the following week. Thank you for helping people identify and avoid these people x
Good 👍
@@user-zo6vl7ds9p I'll let you know that you have a weird agenda
@@cymbolichuman433 just retort the comments
Good for you for leaving him!
Storm Aurora I wish I'd been as smart as you and left within a week after my exnarc showed his true colors. Congratulations 🎊 👏 💐 on being so smart and strong!
My mother was found dead in her home on September 2, 2016. She was a major alcohlic and had borderline and narrististic personality disorder. She was a horrible mother. She was very unloving. Never a kiss, a story, a hug, a comfort, a wink just a stern look and my sister and I were terrified of her. Here's the thing, she was so nice and loving to everyone else....she beat our brows with her rage when she came home. She told my sister and I, constantly, what crappy Mother's We were to Our children later after we had grown. I don't miss her. I hated and loved her too but I am actually glad that she is gone because the turmoil that this woman kept up in all of our lives is unfounded. I cannot say I am sorry. I can't.
I can completely relate to being relieved when she died, I felt the same way about my alcoholic/drug addict father who had sociopathic traits when he died, he made my life pretty miserable and traumatizing, I loved him but disliked him for always manipulating me... he was having me participate in crimes by 8 y/o despite my opposition, besides that he was pleasant in his demeanor towards me but beat my mother in front of me without any reservations. I'm glad he showed me what not to be.
Am sorry for this😢
I believe both of my parents are, and we're. My father was the alcoholic with rage my mom use to be. My father passed away, I cried for a day then relieved that I would not have to endure his verbal abusive behavior. I was the child that had to babysit my younger brothers and my parents..
I'm glad for you now, Cheryl.
You can breath freely and fully be you.
This just touched me and gave me shivers from head to toe....Unfortunately me and my sister too experienced every single thing you mentioned. I am worry you had to live with that because I know how hard it must have been. I'm still dealing with it and it feels like it never ends with the BS, day after day after day....Thanks and I wish you the best! ❤
My narcissistic estranged husband is a massive alcoholic. He is impossible to deal with sober . He is drunk 98 percent of the time so this behavior is a regular occurrence.
That was my experience, very unstable with alcohol but worse when drunk
"You're the reason why I have to drink!"
-my ex narc, after she put her hands on me and destroyed my glasses. In front of our children. Before driving off to one of her other supplies.
My mind is blown!! I knew the ex was an alcoholic but now I realize he was narcissistic too...so verbally and emotionally abusive especially when drunk... I'd been to hell and back. Walk away from these jerks and you will feel so much better.
This is my life story. So glad someone gets it!
I much needed this video. Thx I've noticed with the narcs that I know alcohol made things worse over been wondering if sometimes they use drinking as an excuse for their behavior or their reasoning to say they don't remember....I know whenever they drink the most hurtful things come out of their mouths, next day they want sympathy for them not feeling well and your so pissed/hurt by the night before your left in a haze of your own.... while they either don't give two shits to ask what happened, don't remember or just don't care. 😒😔
She drank specifically to get drunk, because she hated her emotions and she didn't want to feel. I can't imagine what an emotional hell it is to be a narcissist, but holy sh*t the drinking was intense, and then the behavior became legendary.
WOW, i can just tell by your choice of words that your story would indeed be a legendary one.
I know mine is...
@@vincentoravec261 So is mine brother !! xx
Same! Demonic and gutwrenching
This was my father who was EXTREMELY physically abusive when he was drunk. He was able to let his bullying and cruelty run wild.
The drunk episodes of my ex are one of the worst memories of my whole life. And the minimising and awkward explanations of that behaviour on the next day even worse. These people are fu..ing vampires...
I'm the scapegoat child of a narcissist, who groomed my older sister to be just like her. Both brothers are flying monkeys. I married a narcissist, who was a drunk. He got his in the end, as did my mother. They always do. They destroy themselves. Maybe not in the way you want or how quickly you want it to happen, but it does happen. Until then, the best way to get to a narcissist is to concentrate on your own happiness and that means keeping them at a distance.
First marriage was 19 yrs to an alcoholic narcissist. I was 18 he was 23 and seemed so grown up to me. I was vulnerable and naive and in a difficult relationship with my divorced mother and brothers. This man was also intimidating too. The marriage was hard because any issues I had with his drinking he would blame on my age and used my issues with my family for all our problems. He was a hard worker and I was trying to go to junior college (class till noon then part time job till 5) but had to give it up because I was expected after school to work with him on his night job which took us well into the night. I didnt know when marrying him he was in alot of debt. I was so exhausted I would fall asleep in class too much so barely passed the first year. After he quit his job and moved us out of state and he tried pushing me into an open marriage which I reluctantly participated but ended it as there was interest in me but not so much in him which just angered him. I didnt want that kind of lifestyle so it stopped. When we started a family and I became a mom I grew up more and he drank less but would have occassional drunken bouts which were hours of me listening to alot of very nasty verbal abuse and name calling that I endured silently. The next day he was fine and since he couldnt remember what he said or did thought my hurt feelings were unjustified. I found things to do that I had a gift for and blossoned even more into my own person which seemed to bother him more. He begin to tear everything I did down if he couldnt control it. His drinking picked up again and his threats were thrown right back at him till his manipulative mind decided I was no longer useful so he got rid of me. Back then I had no clue about alcoholism or narcissism. I was single for a number of yrs then remarried and sadly it was to a sneakier more manipulative narc with a pot habit he hid well. It did flair up off and on over that 22yrs like the first husbands alcohol which kept us in continous financial turmoil. He cost me a home, all my belongings, and my good credit and now I have nothing. But now I know what narcs and addicted people are. Its been painful looking back at my life with this knowledge seeing it for what it was and mourning what could have been. But hopefully my last years will be at least more peaceful.
❤
I welled up with tears when I read this, I totally empathise with your journey. Your last words hit me hard, 'Its been painful looking back at my life with this knowledge seeing it for what it was and mourning what could have been. But hopefully my last years will be at least more peaceful.' I've been thinking the same myself in the past few yrs since educating myself about addictions, abuse, codependency and narc abuse - especially learning from here and other resources how to identify them - I wished I'd known years ago and not lost my best years. God Bless you and Good Luck😇🙏💜
Your story is also very close to my heart. It sounds very very familiar and I question myself all the time...why couldn't I have known sooner...it's almost embarrassing and shameful that I let him take the best years of my life...but there is no looking back...only forward. I hope everyone gets what they are looking for because heaven knows we deserve it!
Oh my goodness 😢 I was 19 when I got with my alcoholic narcissist he was 31 ... 18 years later I feel like I'm 60 I feel so broken I can't see the future. Lost so much 😞 endured so much put my kids through so much cause I'm stupid didn't see things as they clearly were .
2:18 He never did anything in front of people. He would always save it until we were alone. He was far too concerned with looking like the perfect guy, impressing everybody and making sure everybody liked him when we were in a group. 🙄😒 But, hell yes, when was drunk - he was FAAAAAR worse!!
So happy to be rid of him and his alcohol addiction
Dreaded going out to any restaurant or any place that had alcohol- Sundays all day drinking
❤ Peace is priceless
He blamed me for his drinking...even when he would drop me off at my home and then go to his house and drink more. It was my fault.
Him drinking turned Dr Jekyll into Mr Hyde! Very mean and nasty! He would argue with me, blame me for everything and curse at me! Alot of Mental, emotional and even some physical abuse! Then he would over
"Apololie" cause his apologies were all lies! After 3.5 years I'm so glad I went No Contact!!
I went alcohol free the day after we broke up and have no plans to ever be around folks who drink.
I’ve often wondered what comes first, being a narcissist or being an alcoholic ? As I’ve noticed both can go together. Double whammy !!
I’ve heard alcoholism mimics narcissism and that alcohol is number one for them in relationships. So that’s a no go, no thank you.
Double diagnosis.
yep. and they wait to lose it 'til you're alone which means they actially could not be assholes if they think it is worth it. they just dont think you are.
You are my guardian angel Dr Ramani ! ❤
I remember once, on my birthday, my drunken father screaming at me about cleaning the shower in the bathroom. His face contorted into a mask of rage. It was like my very existence infuriated him. I don't understand why people like that have children at all. Now that he's older he's rude to my children, like he assumes that they are no good.
This was the exact last argument between my ex husband and our 19 year old son. A few hairs in the bath, the narc rage, throwing things at him. Just enough!! Now divorced and he is saying “what happened “? Er, you happened.
My whole family behaves the same. My mother was the scapgeoat and me, her daughter had to be the same.
Michael W ,, Brother I am so sorry you had to endure this !!! Praying that you are safe and in a much better stage of your life! If your Dad refuses to stop being rude to your children go "no contact" .. you are all much better off without him and his destructive abuse xxx
You are not obligated to know him
My narc quit drinking 2 years ago. A little less messy but... The devaluing and berating became SOBER. When he was drinking I had hope if he stopped drinking he'd stop being a douche. Nope. It got better skilled and more enunciated.
Many people murdered by their abusive husband or boyfriend were sober. When they did the crime.
This happened to me, he would rage and storm off, pack up the garage with his stuff so he gave up drink. Oh wow the devaluing and cleverness after destroyed me so much more. He was covert so think his mask blew off with drink at least I knew what he was thinking and we could talk about it after. He would just nod and agree though until discard. But with mo booze he became so passive aggressive and much more cruel xx
I so know that story! Currently living it. He isnt quite as mean, but still acts with uncontrolled anger at times. And now there is a lot of future faking along with it. Trying to decide when to move on as I took my vows seriously so it is an internal struggle with my own beliefs on top
@@pegasus5287 I know this too... my dad taught me loyalty to family so I stayed for nearly 3 years... we were engaged I cancelled wedding though as knew something wasnt right. The longer I stayed the worse it got. Be careful and remember your health and happiness and good luck with whatever you decide xx
Dry drunk nothing changes
Man I spent four years with a drunk narcissist. It was a roller coaster every day.
Don't pick up a partner from a bar. My narc's favorite line when drunk was, "candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker". Need I say more?
When they are drunk then their demons come out!
It was already nightmare enough trying to put up with the abusive malignant narcissist alcoholic, but when he was drunk (basically every day) his abuse ..verbal and physical including death threats ,selfish ,obnoxious ,vulgar ,irresponsible ,reckless …..behavior was off the charts
Amazing you posted this today. A neighbor, an alcoholic narcissist - died last week. Her “celebration of life” is being held right now - in the local bar.
This has been my life. First with my mother and now with my husband which I'm in the middle of divorcing... I'm going to finally be free once this is over. To finally figure out who I am and start living my own real and true life...
I grew up with a drunk mother, and overtime, I got to realize that even when sober, the problems were still there and from there I understood she was a narcissist. Tried to make boundaries over the years, it sparked her RAGE mode. For my latest birthday party, I made an event in a bar, and after intense reflexion, I decided to not invite her there. I made a family dinner on the day of my birthday, where she was invited, and it went fine. However, when she learned that she wasn't invited to the bar, RAGE mode sparked again, even though many of the family members tried to reason with her. She would not have it. Instead, seeing as I know how to stand up now, she decided to not attack me, but she decided to attack my sister's children and told us that until we make her the queen of the night at the same bar, with all MY friends, she will refuse to see her grandchildren, and she cancelled all of their activities, no matter the pain it inflicted them....
Now, she is on my block list, I want nothing to do with her. I spent the last 11 years out of 36 to try to reason, try to explain, try to fix this.... to no avail... I lost my mother to her narcissism.
My covert narc ex tumbled headlong into alcoholism. His web of lies started to unravel because he couldn't keep all his stories straight anymore and I lost all trust in him. Then he blamed my lack of trust in him for his inability to get sober (because that makes sense.) The upside, I suppose, is that I finally realized how terrible the relationship was and I left.
The narcissist who I lived with for 25 years was an alcoholic as well. He used to get drunk very quickly and behave very aggressively when drunk. Nobody could stop the men, very scary.
Dr. Ramani, my ex husband was an alcoholic narcissist. I was waiting for you to use his name! Thank you for all you have helped me understand this past year.
MaryAnn Foegen, Dr. Ramani has all their names and numbers, doesn't she! She's awesome.
Omg...I cannot believe how accurate this is
"Liquid courage" is what I called it. My ex would go on a binge about every third day. I'd call home before leaving work and ask if we needed milk or anything just to see what I would be walking into when I got home.
Oh wow. I had forgotten that as a kid and teen, I would always "innocently" call ahead to know what I was going home to too.
I developed a 6th sense.coming home from school, I could feel from the groundfloor if my Smother had started drinking.
The "dean" of our friends group went off at me after a friend's wedding. He kept going, getting drunker, and he started in with me, yelling at me in front of everyone. He was saying inappropriate stuff about how my riding motorcycle and playing guitar is just compensating. I messaged him a couple months later, saying that I decided that the friends group "had been just a phase in my life, and because of his actions, that phase is over." He replied with the same denial and minimizing you mentioned. Now I'm the petty one for making new friends- oh well.
I've been married to an alcoholic narcissist for 20 years...it's a roller coaster ride for sure! Also, throw gout into the mix, and that ramps up the meanness to a whole new level!
4 months ago i left an alcoholic narcissist husband..been married 23 years..i feel free now had to go through alot ......
I was too! I left along time ago - best thing ever!
I've never been involved with one of these monsters, BUT... Dr Ramani: I would listen to you talk about anything and I'd learn something. Thank you.
I cut every contact with my narcissistic ex when I noticed that his abuse exponentially increased after he started drinking. Thank you for your video, it makes me firm in my decision to not go back for any reason.
My experience was quite different. The narc in my life was a happy, jovial drunk who was a lot of fun to be around. A laugh a minute! It was only when he was sober that his narc traits emerged. Being naive about both alcoholism and narcissism, I wasn't sure which was the "true man." I finally realized it was the sober man.
Yes, my narc was a sweet happy drunk, and it was the only time he was able to feel and show love and affection. Early on he told me when he's drunk is when the truth comes out. I think I stayed as long as I did because I believed deep down he really loved me, since that's what came out when he was drunk. But when he was sober it was like those conversations had never happened, like I was dealing with two different people. He acted like I was delusional, and I felt like a fool. It was hard to know which was the true man. I finally decided he may actually truly love me, but the way he treats me "in real life" (i.e. sober) is what matters, and the two were never going to magically start matching. I couldn't stay and keep my self respect too.
I have a similar situation.
When he is drunk, he is loving,making promises which will be forgotten, the moment alcohol cleans up .
It's exhaustive living with two guys in one shell .
One who is not open for any discussion , thinks he is perfect etc. And has not an iota of affection and care and will not hear a single advise of mine coz I preach.
While that drunk one, drinks a bottle or vodka at a time in hiding and pretends a beer and remembers nothing. He played the victim card for a long time.
For me ,i really want to fix this drama coz I personally believe in fixing problems and not escaping them . I guess this abuse will turn me harsh and insensitive.
Same. We often prayed that my dad would get drunk because we all would get a night off from walking on eggshells
Most narcissists are depressed and anxious, they drink to cope. My old friend is bpd, he drinks weekly much. To the point he gets food from food banks.
@@richs5275it could turn you into a narcissist be careful
✋🏼 I’ve never clicked a video so fast in my life! It’s closer to my SIL wedding and her telling a bunch of dudes how much she wanted to cheat on her fiancé with them last august is eating at my consciousness. I feel guilty for knowing this cause I’m very fond of my future BIL… BUT all we can do is keep our no contact going on, no matter how painful right now. Just supporting the heck outta my wife as she grieves her relationship with her nephew and family members that may distance even more after this wedding takes place. Best of luck to everyone who is going through this stuff. Drunk narcs are the worrssst seems like. Drunk or not though, they’re so much to have to put up with and everyone deserves better. ❤️
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️I always thought my mother was an alcoholic, but when she was in rehab and quit drinking she still acted horrible. Couldn't figure it out until your videos. (Narcissist) Then the husband🤦♀️even worse, at the bar every night, drugs/alcohol/infidelities . He wasn't just a narcissist he was a sociopath/psychopath. Diagnosed. He's been dead over a decade. What I wanted to tell you is the last couple of years since I found your videos have been the MOST important time of my life. You solved the unsolved mystery for me after 3 deades of confusion. I have learned I have blocks in memory, but somehow you find them and pry them open when I can't even remember them. You hit the nail on the head. What I have to remember is that I'm not responsible for his actions or the person he was. There is not a thank you big enough to encompass all you have done for us. ❤
I became involved with the narcissist they were a practicing alcoholic, and it was no secret. The first two years of the relationship, while he was drinking, he appeared somewhat detached and aloof, not really interested. The first time I wanted to end the relationship, his attitude completely changed. He cried desperately, literally on his knees, begging me not to leave him and threatening to kill himself. He agreed to get sober, so I gave him another chance, even though my guts were telling me that this was over for me. In my situation, the narcissist became much worse after he quit drinking. He became very controlling and obsessive. He had to know where I was every minute of every day. He had to approve the clothes that I purchased for myself with my money. He ran off any new friends that I made in the new city where I had been future faked into moving to. Those two years turned into six years. Six years of darkness, berating, control, and accusations. The suicide threats also escalated, and they morphed into suicide/homicide threats. Everyone was so please that he had “got his life together” so they discounted his behavior and treatment toward me. Leaving that narcissist, and his family, was a harrowing feat. I lost everything, but I gained my precious freedom. I read somewhere in an al-anon book that sobriety takes the mask off and reveals a person’s true nature. That was true for me.
I don't know you but I'm so proud of you for realising and leaving. Good job, on your strength of character.
The last man I dated is a narcissistic drink that drank every single day. He would scream on the balcony outside about the neighbor downstairs. He would insult my heritage. Everyone was a target. He was the most vile human being that ever crossed my path. He woke up angry, insulting, couple that with his drinking…unbearable. I’m happy to say that I finally left after 3 years of daily abuse. It has been 2.5 years I left and I thank God he’s in the rear view mirror. I still startle any surprising noise, I’m hyper vigilant if my surroundings, we are never the same, but I will never forget. Anytime I see any spec of semblance I walk away. I don’t care for an explanation. I learnt my lesson. Thank you Dr R, this video really hit home.
Omg you are so spot on, you describe to a T what i went thru, while watching your video i thought you were talking about me and my drunk N girlfriend
This is so true Dr. I've learned so much about Narcissist and thank you because now I know what to look for meeting people now that everything is getting back to a, (new)
normal. I would like to start dating. Times are different, I'm 56 with 2 grown sons. It's me on my own and I would like to be in a loving, caring, sane, trustworthy relationship with someone at this stage of my life. I watch all of the stuff that goes on and I'm like a groundhog...I stay inside my room for protection. But I'm lonely..I have to figure this out. I know to run fast if I see Narcissistic stuff when I do get back out there.
My marriage to my narc husband has been filled with a plethora of his addictions, alcohol being the most prominent. At the worst, many asked why I didnt leave. Even though I didn’t know of narcissism at the time, I knew he would never let go of me and our children and would expose them to worse behaviors, people and circumstances in order to fuel his narcissism. It might not be the right choice for others, but I stayed and attempted to do damage control from within. I got mental health assistance for my children and I, created a healthy support system and did our best with the tools we had. Those of us that have families with a narcissist understand the power they can have over others (especially their children) and how difficult it is to truly get away from it. It wasn’t perfect but we have survived. Now I think I am his worst nightmare because I refuse to let him set the standards for who I am and how I feel. My adult children have their own challenges, but each day I am proud of the inner strength they find and show.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on the SICK narcissist. How to juggle your feelings of empathy and kindness for a sick person (i.e. addiction, cancer, long term illness, disability, etc) while still keeping firm boundaries and not being hoovered.
Mary Shelly, my thoughts? For all they're worth. Let 'em be sick, by themselves. I'm a compassionate person. Never would I do this to the average sinner here. It depends on what level their damage of others is and whether they've repented for it. If they haven't done this? Not my problem. I don't care who it is ....
My mum the blind narcissist. She would always use her vision impairment to get her own way.
They probably use every chance they get to manipulate and use their illness as an excuse to mistreat people just the same as a regular narcissist will use their trauma and childhood as an excuse for their behavior
@@yime6631 sounds empathetic I'm sure
Very true, no one needs to be drunk to be with another
My god this is what describes me most accurately when I'm drunk and stoned i lose empathy and just go off how i feel with no concern of what i do to others and when i sober up and regret my actions i don't even apologise i get angry that it was bought up I'm a terrible person and the root cause is my insecurities i recognise it in other people also and double down on them tbh it all comes from self hatred 💯
My daughter and I lived through this whole scenario for 19 years, and she made the remark to me after we had gotten out, "Mom, no one will ever know what we went through." I can add 3 patterns of behavior that he displayed with his drinking, and yes, he was narcissistic without but the drunken rages turned Mr. Hyde into an even worse monster. His most frequent way was to stay at the bar and who know where else after work and to any wee hours of the morning (at least 3 nights per week) and then come home and terrorize us, break things, threaten, abuse verbally and me, physically. The next morning he would act like he was 'on top of the world, happy, elated'. I am sure this was a way of gaslighting, like - see nothing happened, all great! If his episodes took place at a family function or wedding, he would demand we get into the car drunk with him. If he got drunk at a family gathering in home, he would persecute me all then next day as if to punish me for him having to deal with that. Strange 3 patterns of behavior that were constant and regular. Scary, sad and obvious. He would not admit to his problem and certainly could not 'stop' drinking, would binge and could not hold his liquor or his behavior in check. But you are correct when you say they can turn it on or off when it 'suits' them, because when around HIS family, he was a good as gold!
please tell her I know what you went through. My father first and now my spouse. He's been kicked out. by police.
Gail Wood... These people are seriously mentally ill!!!
For 7 years i Just thought he had “passion” for wines , wine tasting etc...then i noticed it wasn’t Just one glass of wine and it wasn’t only wine but also super alcoholic drinks such as bourbon and rum and cognac! One month ago we were out for dinner, easy and peaceful evening, then boom ! Alcohol consumption and then rage/insults/madness! The real him was unveiled once again and he started saying without second thoughts everything he had inside! I left him and started therapy asking My therapist to Please help me to not go back again. It is getting better every day and i hope this time it’s forever!
Thank you hit this video Dr Ramani. I wish I had this knowledge decades ago. I was one who believed the issues had to do with drinking; especially having had an alcoholic parent. It took me decades to realize there was a lot more going on. You are correct, the drinking just makes the bad behaviors worse and I did believe for so long that because I thought it was solely a drinking issue that it could somehow still be worked out. I am glad that today t to here is a place to gain more knowledge about this. Thank you!
oh where has this been oh so spot on
constantly anticipate his vengeful acts even when he is sober
I've spoken multiple times with friends who are alcoholics in recovery. They were a breath of fresh air for me. The level of accountability and responsibility they hold themselves to now in recovery is healing to my soul. Every single one I have spoken to has validated my hurts, ministered to my broken heart and gave me such encouragement when I desperately needed it. I remember one of them told me "Not every narcissistic person is an alcoholic, but every alcoholic IS a narcissistic person". The selfishness, deflection, defensiveness, blame shifting, lying, cheating, irresponsibility, emotional disregulation.....EVERYTHING that shows up in a narcissistic person, is present in an alcoholic. My friends encouraged me to attend Al-Anon which is for friends and family of alcoholics but I wanted to talk with more alcoholics in recovery. I grilled my friends with all my questions about why this and why that and don't they know that this hurts? EVERY SINGLE ONE of them validated me, validated my grievances and every single one of them told me "It is NOT YOUR FAULT, and there is NOTHING you can do for that alcoholic. They have to help themselves". It brought a great deal of healing for me.
I went to Al-Anon as well, and I found out that it was all about keeping abuse victims stuck with the narcissistic alcoholic. I 100% agree that all alcoholics are narcissists. My ex had two DUIs before I met him, and he got the third one shortly after I broke up with him.
@@TxHoneyBee they spend too much time telling the spouse or family how wrong they are. That they too have an addiction and I’m just not down with victim blaming.