What to Do When You Offend Someone | Lambers Fisher | TED
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- Misunderstandings between you and your loved ones will happen - it's what you do next that matters most, says marriage and family therapist Lambers Fisher. Drawing on his work helping couples and relatives work through communication issues, he shares four principles to accept the inevitability of offending someone close to you - and how to use these moments to build trust and empathy.
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This is helpful. Reminds me that successful friendships and successful marriages have a lot in common. Thank you.
I tend to not offend anyone because I don’t speak personally with most people. I’m just polite with everyone and then at the end of the day go hide in my books.
Be polite but don’t be expect people to be polite back. I’ve learned politeness doesn’t work both ways.
GREAT
I tend to do the same! But over the years I’ve discovered I have as much to learn from people as I do from books.
I would highly recommend speaking personally to people, even at the risk of sometimes offending people ❤
@@carcarroom It often does tho, doesn’t it? I do believe, if you were always rude, you would notice much worse behavior from others.
Lord where is the audience. Everyone need to hear this a few times
2:13 good clip of the audience. Or lack thereof
@@jason666king the lack there of was my operative stance
I’m Listening
I like how he does not make this an embarrassment issue, but an ignorance issue, and that is part of growing. It feels sometimes like cancel culture has pushed many into relationship silos which just exacerbate the ignorance. I don't think I am alone in avoiding interaction or public posts because some SJW or 'Karen' will crucify me for saying something that was never meant to harm, but was offensive in a way I didn't understand. So the follow-up to this talk would be - what to do when you have someone melting down and wants blood after you learned/apologized. The lunatics are not the majority of the people I deal with, but their volume takes up a majority of my online memories.
I love your thoughts
Aq
Yes, the follow up would be a Great idea!!
One of the best Ted Talks I've heard in a long time. Great talk!
If you’re telling yourself that offending others is their problem, and not yours, then you have a lot of growing up to do. Mature adults take responsibility for their words and actions, and act with compassion toward others they may have hurt, even unintentionally.
@robshebel7200 Agreed, offending someone doesn't make you a bad person but taking the stance that you could never have done anything wrong intentionally or unintentionally does. Refusing to ever learn others' points of view means you are immature.
I grew up in a home of narcissists. They really do get offended over the smallest thing. I'm not their therapist. I really don't think they should be offended by me saying stuff like "you should put the dishes on this side in the dishwasher so that it gets washed properly" or me disagreeing with them or calling out their hurtful behaviors.
@@thisisntallowed9560 The video wasn't about dealing with a "home of narcissists." It was about couples.
this is a circular argument
Unfortunately most of us are not adults, just children in grown up bodies. About 85% of the people you encounter daily is my guess. But i have hope for us all. That we will culturally change to create norms that allow us to move past survival in order to emotionally mature and finally "grow up".
Excellent presentation Mr. Fisher. I will be sharing your Tedx video with others. You are doing amazing work that helps maintain connections and heal. Thank you for your contributions to society.
Wise words! I'm a Brazilian practing my English! With these videos I can practice my language and my personality! Congratulations for your work!
I did not thought that someone else besides me , would think like this ...
to paraphrase the very famous Stephen Fry
"youre offended, so fucking what?"
So go lay down by your bowl.
Bingo. Being “offended” is a social construct. It’s not real. It’s an excuse.
Yeah, but Stephen Fry would have watched the video in order to understand the context before posting to comments.
@@robschebel7200 wheres the part thats out of context? .........do people "get offended"?.... yes...... is this video about responding to people getting offended? also yes..... is the correct response to ignore their meaningless whimpers? .... yet again, yes.......... sounds like my original comment is spot on to me. i stand by it.
@@ZOMBIEHEADSHOTKILLER The video isn’t really about people getting offended, it’s about repairing damage between couples. No successfully married, mature adult I know would say “so fucking what?” to a spouse they love being offended by something they said or did. So your advice is garbage.
This is a pretty good theory; However , I dispute the intentions/harm idea. I counter with Grain of Salt and Take it to Heart... IF one person (maybe 2) says or does something towards you, that bothers you, then take it with a grain of salt. IF it happens 9 or 10 times, then take it to Heart. It's a pattern or problem that You need to deal with, that You are responsible for, and You need to overcome or change the issue whatever it is.
You need to be accountable for the reaction, and not be offended by the next person who "triggers" YOUR Issue.
This was a great talk. There was a lot of good information. Thank you so much.
This talk is a keeper! Such important concepts that I’ll need to return to at some point. Thank you!
Your emotions are your own responsibility. If someone offends you, it's best to move on. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to avoid offending others all the time.
He repeats this idea in the video. Couples are his main audience, though, and it's not always best for a spouse to "move on" when offended. He is pointing out that it's better for them to talk and disagree their way through it.
What a great lesson on how to be a better human!
"كرامتك و عزت نفسك هما أغلى ما تملك لا تخسرهما ولو كلفك ذلك حياتك كلها…
Very good talk, like how he give it to the audience, clear and smooth..
These defensible arguments often retract from the deep issue as the understanding typically fades away.
I don't speak my mind hardly because of the thought of being offensive, but when I do, I find that that very group of people or person was thinking the same thought or way.
This is certainly one of the Ted talks of all time
Yes, agreed. I’ve seen so many, and this is definitely one of them.
Offence is always about intent. If the intent of something spoken or written is not explicitly to hurt, and you feel offended, it is up to you to deal with that emotion - not me!
I can feel sorry, that you have this feeling, and if we have daily interactions, I might offer to help dealing with those emotions, but they are yours - own them, deal with them, or be a victim all your life!
It’s up to BOTH people to work through it. Mature adults take responsibility for their words and actions, and their responses. Good intentions can sometimes create negative impacts. Wise people pay attention to both intention and impact, and work to repair relationships after an offense or disagreement.
@@robschebel7200 you cannot take into account what every person on the planet feels. If it is a personal relationship, you might expect the other person to at least try to understand what you are feeling, but it's still your feelings, that you have to deal with.
Being offended is a personal experience, unless the intent is to hurt or humiliate you. But that is for you to figure out - not the person who said it. It can be tough for people (not aimed at you) who think the world revolves around their own emotions...
@@krusefiction You clearly didn't watch the video. The video is about married couples. So we're not talking about "every person on the planet." We're talking about your marital partner. So it's up to BOTH people to figure out the intent, the impact, and how to work through the emotional pain.
@@robschebel7200 sure I did. Did you read what I wrote? It works exactly the same in a marriage, a friendship or any other close relationship as it does in public life. But you can't know every feeling every person is going to have.
If you feel offended, and my intent was not to hurt you, you are most likely trying to project you past hurts onto me or what I said. As your friend, I will help you deal with that, but it's on YOU to figure out, and not for me to change to suit your unresolved issues!
@@robschebel7200 Not just "clearly about married couples"... He did address the fact that friendships and other relationships are part of this factor.
Nothing wrong withe the idea of the person(s) taking responsibility for their reactions, responses or triggers to whatever was said or done that THEY find offensive, especially if the other party action was unintentional and moreso, when the other party has apologized over the offense...
It's relative to married persons, and I believe it relates to other relationships in general.
the time when in a situation experiencing inevitability of clearly express the self
I really liked this speech, I arrived with intention of practicing my english lenguage, bat to my surprise the content of speech is very interesting.
A bit repetitive, but with a lot of good points.
Knowledge is power. Humbled heartfelt awestruck gratitude to GOD the Father, Son and Holy Spirit Amen
That was AWESOME!
Thank You!!
Ignorance is almost instantly solvable.
Everybody knows means there are at least 10,000 people who will learn it today.
some great ideas in here
Wonderful talk, thank you.
What I've learned is when someone feels offended even though it wasn't an attack and they behave in a way that should make me feel sorry for what I did, I usually just completely disengage with that person. Sorry, but not sorry. I mean what are they thinking? That by guilt tripping me they could achieve anything? If I actually tried to be offensive, that I would be sorry for it just because they said it was offensive? I am not trying to please someone who tries to guilt trip me, or tries to see problems when there are no problems. It's their problem. And they should learn proper communication, and how to ask questions, instead of guit tripping other people. Nobody has the right to not be offended ever.
I’m very sensitive. Looking forward to this one haha
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Amazing speaker
Thank you 🙏
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Offense is the combination of ego and opinion. Opinion is invalid; ego doubly so.
Don't bother being offended. Be correct.
That sounds wise, but really isn't. The video is about couples. Your spouse's opinion isn't "invalid" in the emotional sense. If a person is offended by what their spouse says or does, it's not as simple as "don't be offended." Rather, it's better to work though the disagreement.
wow bro amazing❤
Man, I thought that was Tyrese
I’m OFFENDED
i'm offended, i must be learning something new about what makes me tick....
Hello😊 1:31
I see better than I did before, your pasts' hurts. I see the impact that they had on your current unmet needs. And I want to come alongside of you and not give a flying fk about it.
The things he is saying are only useful if you care about the person so much that you want to bend over double for them. If i offended some random person, he does not need me to accept the inevitability of offense. I already know that there is always a chance of offending someone. If it's reasonable why they are offended i might change my behavior, if not, see ya!
Do you understand that he's talking mostly about married couples?
Deus abençoe
The sound is not good it's annoying
Great speech but unfortunately the sound quality is bad :/
Gen X says : "BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAH!"
I just laugh and wonder why they think their feelings mean more to reality than they do.
@@Lolcoca I know right.
In Islam, Prophet Muhammad (P.B.U.H) says, “the kind speech is a charity”. Also
Amr ibn ‘Abasah reported: I came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, and I said, “O Messenger of Allah, who is with you in this matter?” The Prophet said, “The free and the enslaved.” I said, “What is Islam?” The Prophet said, “Kind words and feeding the hungry.” I said, “What is faith?” The Prophet said, “Patience and tolerance.” I said, “Whose Islam is best?” The Prophet said, “One from whose tongue and hand the Muslims are safe.” I said, “Whose faith is best?” The Prophet said, “One with good character.” I said, “Which prayer is best?” The Prophet said, “One with a long supplication.” I said, “Which emigration is best?” The Prophet said, “To emigrate away from what is hated by the Lord Almighty.” I said, “Whose jihad is best?” The Prophet said, “One whose horse has fallen and his blood gushes forth.” I said, “Which hours are best?” The Prophet said, “The depths of the late night.”
Nothing.
Wow, this is one sad comment section.
Answer: Double Down
So many words, yet nothing was said.
❤❤❤
Does it take 12 minutes to say, "no offense" ?
Not a damn thing.
Why?
@Quantumoon being responsible for everyone else's feelings is not my problem. I'm also sure that they do not truly hold this position.
@@Silverlined_69 I hear what you’re saying. Is it possible this guy had good advice anyway for helping smooth out disagreements and move forward in our relationships?
@@Silverlined_69 It's not about being responsible for other people's feelings. It's being responsible for your effect on others. Simply saying that you didn't mean to cause harm and are sorry isn't much to ask. You could even go a step further and seek to understand what was hurtful about what you said or did. That might deepen connection instead of harming it the way being defensive and invalidating someone else's experience does.
@rainbowconnected Agreed. Not to mention the fact that you should want the people around you to feel comfortable if you care about them. You don't have to be "responsible for their feelings" for you to want that.
How tf is this a ted talk 😂.
It's not, it's TEDx which is basically people paying to use the TED name. Wish they'd stop posting them on this channel.
I’ll save you 12 minutes. “Just say sorry”, unless you are not sorry.
Getting Offended is a Choice. It’s victim mindset. Know Your Worth and Never Feed into being Offended.
Do what Yeshua said.
repeat-a-lot
If you're walking on egg shells, your in the wrong place. If you have to sacrifice your honesty or integrity in the company you keep, you're in the wrong company.
I don't care if I offend someone. If someone gets offended of me, thats on them, not on me
Same ! 🤣😂🤣
While I agree that offense is usually taken and not given, if you care about the person you unintentionally offended, or if you are just a polite and mature individual, you will take reasonable steps to avoid offending others. "Reasonable" being the key word. Some people are just begging to be offended, and in such cases, any effort is wasted effort. Most of the time, however, simply seeking to understand why the other person was offended goes a long way to mitigating the offense.
_"If someone gets offended of me, that's on them, not on me"_ sounds like a defense mechanism often used by those who serially offend others out of laziness or fear.
Mature people take responsibility for their words and actions.
@OfTheGaps I agree for the most part but I would say even most of the people who are "just begging to be offended" should be given a chance. In my experience, the people who are most easily offended are the people who have had the most negative experiences with people. When they assume everyone is out to get them because they've been hurt so many times, it's easy to perceive everything as an offense. There are probably a very small number of people who are truly doing it for the attention but I think they're more rare than people think. Almost nobody actually enjoys confrontation and the people you might think do it for fun actually do it as a defense mechanism.
@@alexchen4647 Very good points. I agree that everyone should be given the benefit of the doubt at first. However, I think it's important to recognize that there are people who prey on sincere efforts to avoid offense, and who will keep taking offense as long as it's to their benefit. One shouldn't waste energy trying to appease the unappeasable, but should instead focus on those who are being sincere. It can sometimes be difficult to find the right balance.
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Grow a spine.