I remember being told that only liars avoid eye contact. I was around 4 years old. From then on, I consciously chose eye contact when interacting with others, but it made me feel dead inside. It was too overstimulating so I dissociated. And that's how I began my life of masking.
I just realized, that this is why I could never focus on the conversation, when I tried to keep eye contact with someone. Thank you for your comment. Now I understand myself a little better.
I was told the same bs and can absolutely relate! High time for a diagnosis, thanks to Orion's videos and the comments of all of you here. The biggest clue I got was from a female friend at Mensa, who is both HIQ and autistic. Until then (two years ago) I also believed the bs that autism is exclusively related to low IQ 🙄 which is completely wrong indeed!
@mothermetta me too. I had the same experience. Thanks for your comment. I just got an official diagnosis a couple days ago. I'm an almost 57 yr old female who learned to mask early in life. I was misdiagnosed and overly medicated for years. I'm finally learning to love myself for the unique human being I am.
Women in general have to come up with a level of hyper-vigilance and people-pleasing far beyond what is ever imposed on men, with worse consequences when we slip. I would assume this applies to autistic women as well.
couldn't agree more! my dad was surprised when he visited me that i was aware of almost all attitude of people in our viscinity. i had to explain that as a woman i simply don't have the luxury to not be hyper vigilant if i want to be safe....
Hi, I am a recently diagnosed autistic female in my 44th. High masking, "high functioning"... Until my anxiety, PTSD and depression meet my father's death and the COVID-19 pandemic and 40 years of high functioning and high masking suddenly became too much and my system collapsed. The reason why women mask more is because we are held to a very high standard of social behavior from a very young age.
Also, we are "supposed" to be more emotionally based. If we're not, then we're automatically labeled as "something wrong with that chick". Anyone ever consider females are more emotionally based because we are taught since birth to be?
@@see4182 exactly! Women are more emotional, they say. NO! Women are trained, from the very first day, to be emotional drive, to be emotional responsive.
I suspect i am a “high functioning” autist, with diagnosed anorexia, ocd, adhd, anxiety and depression. Sometimes I wonder if I am just misdiagnosed - that’s a lot of separate labels & I’ve thought for a long time that something is missing. My partner killed himself in 2019, 6 months before the pandemic. I worked in health food grocers throughout the pandemic. I JUST got diagnosed last year with adhd at age 30… because my masks have stopped working!! I’m BURNT OUT. I have weekly meltdowns (edit: lately it’s been almost daily) because I am now leading a sewing academy and doing 2 peoples jobs (it’s a non-profit). I have said I need an assistant ASAP if they don’t want to hire 2 people (rather than just 1) - I can’t last much longer honestly. I’m pursuing a diagnosis to help me understand myself, but also so I can navigate this world and any future career more successfully.
Women are socialised to do the "emotional labour" of eg partners or families: saving men the trouble. But are then penalised for being "too emotional" and therefore "inferior" to men -- as such rational, unemotional beings (never mind their rages and violence). I remember both my parents expected me to be a thought-reader along the lines of "you shouldn't have to be asked" to do this chore or that. Realised only a few years ago that my father was classic Aspergers: and even more recently realised I have a lot of autistic traits myself.
People say ‘boys will be boys’ to excuse their disruptive behaviors. NOBODY says ‘girls will be girls’ Instead, our character or morals are impugned, we are ridiculed, shamed, judged, ostracized & punished! We mask (if we are able or inclined) to avoid these pressures! It’s pure (soul killing) survival 😔 Plenty of us want to holler, act out, stim, shut down, tune out . . . we are told to be lady like 🙄 so we adapt
Ugh this is too true. It makes me sad but it also makes me want to ACT UP. I think the world is finally seeing another portion of the cycle coming around - the part where women are fed the f**k up and start doing something about it.
This perfectly incapsulates the process of the way masking completely takes over our genuine personalities and natural inclinations and instincts as we try to navigate this world that wasn’t built for us. I’m 42 and still undiagnosed because I’m a master masker. My daughter is autistic, my nephew, several of my cousins’ children and I’m 100% positive my Dad is as well, but because I can socialize appropriately and make “eye contact” then I can’t be autistic…(no of course I’m not staring directly between your eyebrows or your just under them etc🤣🤣) They don’t know that several times while out in the world I have to escape to a quiet place to breathe and reset, or that I’m constantly trying to focus on what’s happening rather than searching for weird patterns in the wood grain on the floor, getting distracted by other sounds or senses; or completely and inappropriately high jacking the conversation based on a single word that triggered a special interest memory. They have no idea that when I get home after those social experiences I’m either franticly melting down or completely catatonic. It’s fricking exhausting to keep it up but being as there are no good resources around me for dx’ing adult women, I’m not sure what to do… I was tested 5 yrs ago and the test they gave me was a diagnostic created in 1982. I knew then that according to that I would not get the appropriate diagnosis and I didn’t. It’s really hard not having the validation or support you need because you’ve done so well mimicking normalcy despite the fact that under it all you could not be less “normal” 😅😂🥴🤦🏻♀️🥹
Yes, yes, yes.....glad someone acknowledges this besides me. So absolutely true. My life as an only girl child with three brothers....."girls are supposed to be sweet" "girls are quiet" "girls walk slow and take small steps" "girls are lady like" "girls cross their legs" "girls need to know how to cook and clean" and on and on...so many rules for girls....I just wanted to be a tree so I wouldn't have any feelings to get hurt constantly.
I am diagnosed with autism, I am a high masking woman, but 100% agree with everything you said. I also feel like things could be added to the diagnosis criteria for women or at least taken into account. Things like emotional dysregulation. Crying bursts. Tendency to collect things. Intense scripting. Strong need for predictability, less about routine than males. Hyper sensitive emotionally and sensory. Skin picking. Strong creative ability and interests instead of STEM. Avoidance behaviors. Childlike. Excessive sleeping. Daydreaming, or maladaptive daydreaming. Time blindness. Difficulties having a job or keeping a job. these are all common difficulties that women on the spectrum face that are just not mentioned during assessment in a medical environment. Just in the community as of now.
thanks for mentioning that, because i don't feel like i need a routine so much, i'm happy to do whatever, whenever. But if for whatever reason the OUTCOME of what i'm doing changes and it becomes an unknown, then it throws me off kilter so much. I don't like not knowing what to expect going into situations, and if i don't know what to expect, i'll avoid those situations most of the time.
I'm a 30 year old woman and I've been wondering for the last couple of years if I'm autistic, but I always end up saying "nah, I'm just an introvert, socially and emotionally stunted, awkward and shy as hell", but I could relate to TWELVE of all the characteristics you mentioned! Now I don't know if I should get tested, those kind of resources for adults are not easily accessible in my country.
@@user-is7xs1mr9y honestly, same. i've been thinking more and more that i'm some kind of neuro divergent, but at this point, i'm in my mid 30s and it almost feels like it's too late for me to get diagnosed (i don't know if that makes sense). but honestly,, it would explain SO MUCH
Absolutely. You have just described me and I finally got a diagnosis last week in my 50s. It's been a weird few days, realising I can and should forgive myself for being weird, and that there are reasons.
When my daughter was 2-3, I asked the doctor if my daughter could be autistic. The doctor said no, since she made eye contact and she smiled. She remains undiagnosed as a 30year old. I home schooled her in 7th and 8th grade and taught body language, metaphors,and vocabulary as root words, with prefixes and suffixes, among other things. She now works with autistic children
To be fair, unless they're completely nonverbal, doctors don't generally diagnose children under the age of six. Four if they're very clearly low-functioning. I had a host of things around age 7, and my psych said they wouldn't consider diagnosis of anything in their field at all until puberty because some diagnoses are helpful for children but then harmful once coping mechanisms are developed. Sorry, they're still undiagnosed some 30 years later, but hopefully they're happy.
@@OurHourglass You reminded me of our former pediatrician, because from the time my son was 2 or 3 he was trying to write him a prescription for ADHD medication. Ironically, his aggressiveness to medicate what hadn’t even been diagnosed set us back when my son was actually old enough to consider treatment... because were trying to get assessment and the doctor was such a know-it-all and just wanted to go straight to medication. I’m sure the doctor would roll his eyes and say he was right all along. But the idea of him trying to medicate a preschooler for ADHD. All little kids are squirrelly!
Anyone who isn't am autism specialist is not qualified to say whether children or adults are autistic or not. Even some specialists have an inferior understanding of autism. I was diagnosed at 51, first by myself, and then confirmed by an autism specialist. Several times I was grossly misdiagnosed before that.
Also remember all autistics are different. You can seek out loud music at a concert you like but get sensory overload in a coffee shop. It’s not ALL the sounds and lights, etc. I really enjoyed this video. The transitions piece was spot on for me. I find I get into the most snafus with my partner during transitions when we are about to leave the house or coming home or getting somewhere. Getting ready for bed, waking up. Any type of transition, lol.
Absolutely I can’t stand sirens or strobe lights or the smell of insense I can hear the cry of a bat on a dark night from quite a distance or an aircraft sleep is a challenge tend to feel comfortable going to bed at 2am and get up midday next day. I can detect the flickers in a fluorescent light when it’s going to blow
It can also vary day to day. At times I've become overwhelmed near the point of crying in large grocery stores after being made to walk around in them too long with only one headphone, but if I can go to the grocery store following my specific procedure, I love it!
I am so high masking that I got a degree in counseling. I ran a shelter for battered women. I deeply care about the well-being of people. I am sure my empathy process is way different from that of NTs because it involves a lot of intellectual processing. COVID isolation led to a significant loss of my masking abilities, for which I am grateful. Thank you, Orion, for this excellent video. And if ever anyone wants to know copious amounts of information about the Watergate scandal in the US, I can help out.
I think we could get along. I also have a bottomless pit of information, not about watergate but about the kennedy assassination. (edit for spelling typo.)
I also have high empathy levels and work in victim support, so I understand your experience. Also, lockdown was the best time of my life! Not having to socialise with anyone except my husband and child was so freeing. I even started a masters degree!
As an autistic woman, I don't think I'm more motivated to be social, but rather that the EXPECTATION of social-ness is much higher for women, and the judgement for women being different is harsher. None of it for me comes from an internal desire to be social...rather, my "motivation" is externally driven, and is more fear-based. Great video...thank you!
My mom gave me a book as a child called “Oops! The Manners Guide for Girls” i reopened it as an adult and it’s basically an instructional manner on how to mask to get by in neurotypical society. I felt so ashamed reading it and reminded of feeling “less than” or “broken” as a kid
there sure is a lot of social conditioning about how you're "supposed to be" as a female. "sugar, spice and everything nice" ? I'm grateful that at a young age I questioned these things. I thought we were being given, overall, a very boring version of what women we're supposed to be. My mother tried very hard to conform to all of that her whole life--she really suffered for it, I believe--and then she was given this rebellious, freak-of-nature daughter to deal with. I must have represented everything that she was trying to cover up and it's no wonder she had such underlying hostility towards me.
The worst thing is and I wish Orion knew how to add this. A lot of enforced neurotypical girl behaviours are about being as small and sellable by your family as possible. A great commenter on another thread mentioned how she is NT but making ND friends she is questioning if some of these behaviours are even "good"things.
Girls are usually more ridiculed and corrected for things like stimming, not smiling, being “rude,” and “annoying.” And you nailed it about being expected to be friendly and social. I didn’t know how to smile until I was about 9. When they told me to smile, I didn’t know what they were asking me to do. Hugs were smelly and suffocating, and I only wanted to talk about one or two subjects, but could present a dissertation on them (I was reading and potty trained at 1 1/2, maybe because my sister was doing these things). My grandma let me eat in another room at holidays because the chewing sounds were too much, and did her best to make me feel included. I was so lucky to have her! Most didn’t know about autism in the 80s & 90s! Girls are expected to be more easygoing, tactful…all kinds of things that don’t come naturally to me.
Honestly same, my family members get so mad when I don’t smile and they say stuff like “you would look so much prettier if you just smile!” so I force myself sometimes to smile and I HATE IT.
Daaamn. All of this! Every bit of it describes me, an autistic woman, and my childhood and young adulthood. When I was applying for my first job, age 18 I guess, one place I applied was an ice cream store. The man said he would not hire me because I didn't smile. People told me to smile when I was young, and it pissed me off. We're expected to be sexually pleasing to all neurotypical men.
I don't think it is O.K. to have a baby before the other child is at least 6-7 years old. There is not enough space to grow. Mom does not have a twin. Just like two children growing together in the womb. On the other hand, I had a coworker who went to school at seven. I went to school at tree. I was overeducated. I went to "Harvard" but in the Dominican Republic and she went to one of many private colleges where you can buy a college title. She had it so easy and I was severely high-strung. I suffered severe stress until I broke. I see mothers doing what your parents did to you and I think it is children abuse. Or well I have seen mothers having classes for children under two. How do you call those classes in English....? Do you know Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz? Look here for "I, the worst of all." You'll like her.
I think social motivation is actually intensive feminine style bullying. Which is of the emotional and phycological kind that we were subjected to for years. YEARS! We had to figure it out to survive. At 45 I still struggle with my women friends. I make and lose them over and over because I don't "girl" properly.
I also struggle with maintaining relationships with more typical women. I get along much better with fellow weirdos who are willing to overlook my odder tendencies.
Women talk about each others' minute social quirks & appearance & behaviors all the time so if you are slightly out of place there is more of that. It's a high scrutiny kind of social environment. That's the kindest way I can put it. It seems normal but even many neurotypical women struggle with the harshness & self-consciousness this generates.
"Neurotypical" women never fail to remind me of how much they hate socializing. They can't hide. Past a certain age, there really just isn't that much to say
I am 27 woman and I only recently started noticing that I might actually be autistic. I always felt like a misfit in my girl frind groups, the longest I sticked to a job was 9 months and it was agony. I used to live in Gaza and heavy bombing didn't startel me, yet the sound of dishes thrown in a sink in a cafe shakes me so bad. I believe I never was able to tell that I might be autistic because I had clinical depression, ptsd and severe anxiety thought all of my life. I am really glad that I finally got the opportunity to live in a place that allows me to heal and look into this subject after years of being left out and hated.
At almost 68 years of age, I have finally gained access to a clinical psychologist about a lifetime of trauma and who, although she cannot give me an official diagnosis (because of Medicare constraints) is quite happy to let me know that her opinion is that I am significantly autistic. That's good enough for me! I have worn a mask for most of those many, many years. Your channel is really helping me to recognise and understand what I now know are my autistic traits and I am so much more relaxed and allowing for my differences. Thank you.
I am a retired educator who spent decades "working really well with Autistic students." I designed my courses to be centered on students' interests, which allowed everyone to find their own way, and I taught Mythology, which is a special interest for many Autistic teens. After retiring, I realized that I, too, am Autistic and high-masking. I always thought of my teaching persona as a role I played, different from "me." I attributed that to the fact that I minored in Drama/Theater for the Young, but I now see that I employed my performance skills throughout my life to mask and TRY to fit in--and usually failing! Be well, friend.
I am a retired nurse who is just now figuring out I am autistc not broken and weird. Researching some of the behaviors I observe in my granddaughter started me down this path in a serious way. I, too, used my unique skill set of creativity and thinking outside of the box in my career without any understanding of my “differentness.” I want her to know she is not either broken or weird and that being labeled different is not a moral judgement issue but a unique skill set that can positively impact mankind 💗
Might I ask, what Medicare constraints? Because I'm taking steps toward getting a diagnosis myself, and I'd like to know if there are issues to watch out for.
I about cried watching this. The part of autistic women sometimes being even more social or seeking social situations and approval really hit for me. I’ve always wanted to be included and part of conversations, but found it hard to do so especially in groups. Which honestly made it even more devastating when I was unable to (due to overstimulation, coming off as awkward, weird, being ostracized, etc.)
The reason, I feel, women have “learned” to mask better is because we have to. Yes, it is the gender roles you spoke about. I always felt I was weird and different and was constantly making social blunders that my peers didn’t seem to have a problem with. Being an introvert on top of that, and being “expected” to be as outgoing as my sisters was awful. I’m still making social blunders, but being older, I don’t care anymore. 😂
It is even more heartbreaking for us to have the genuine desire to bond and interact with the society, and only recieve misunderstandings and rejections in return 😢
I used to see a family doctor that absolutely refused to send me to get tested for autism. He told me "you just need to join more social groups". It wasn't until my dad (who had gone without me) talked to him about me that he agreed to refer me to a specialist to get a diagnosis. I've never forgiven that doctor and hate that he still practices
"join more social groups" LOL oh boy.... I think I tried that... 🤔😐😑sounds like "you just need to TRY a little HARDER" uh yeahhhh....now there's an idea ...
@loanicastillo3327: not helpful. The word is 'abhor', and there's nothing wrong with misanthropy after decades of being mistreated by your "fellow man".
I would include over-compensating for difficulty in social situations; I know if I try to be “sociable” I am usually way too intense, and I don’t always notice that this is causing problems.
Nearly all diagnostic training and testing for all medical conditions and treatments have been developed around male patients and test subjects. Even anatomy books are almost entirely about male bodies, with the exception of female reproductive organs. But females are not males with different genitals. This is a great start to looking at how autism may present differently. Thanks.
I was "forced" into learning masking in school, the bullying was intense and isolating. I spent close to 4 years hiding during lunch and recess, literally in a "cave" recessed under large stairs surrounded by shrubbery. I had a couple of neurodiverse friends who joined me there. Finally getting assessed for autism in my 40s. But my CAT-Q, AQ-10, SQ-R, RAADS-R scores are so high it's feeling like I'm winning. 😅
Oh crap! Until I read your comment, I forgot that I used to hide in the bushes when I was a kid too. It was a way to get away from all the other people who didn’t understand me and didn’t seem to want to. I had _completely_ edited that out of my memories of childhood. Wow. Hello, fellow bush person! ❤
Should we start a club called 'The Bush People' as I did very similar myself in school. I must say the urge to hide in the bushes in busy places can almost be overwhelmingly tempting even to this day and I'm sure the same will be true of the future from time to time.
Forced by student's or teachers? It was the teachers for me they sent the masking training into my home. I spent all of high school in a years long shutdown. I figured it out because as an adult I was a magnet for autistic men It still took ten more years before I managed to get diagnosed. Then I realized I'm nonbinary and the dysphoria was blending in with everything else hopefully thats the last suprise
I'm not sure if I am autistic, probably not, but I do have many of the symptoms/characteristics so I enjoy watching these videos and learning more about autism since I can relate alot. The hardest thing I find for myself is having to cope with things in daily life that other people don't find difficult - things like going to work or shops. Having to try so hard to fit in and not get upset by things, its exhausting and you can't explain it to people because they just don't understand. I suffer alot with anxiety and find social interactions difficult, also I am very sensitive to lots of noise, crowds of people etc which leave me feeling very overwhelmed. For me being at work is very hard. I can only work part time and people always ask why I don't work more. Its too hard to explain to them how I find work so anxiety inducing and exhausting. I don't know how people can find support for these kind of issues (whether autism of not)? I just wish I was "normal" and could just enjoy going out to work and shops and social situations without it being so hard 😫
One big problem is that nobody knows what 'normal' really is. We are all our own version of whatever that represents... I'm in the same boat as you. I think I might be autistic, but not sure as the version of me that exists now is very different to the person I recall being as a child. I think I've maybe learned to (try) not present as such for long enough that even I'm convinced by the lie? But on the other hand being older means that it's possible to take full control and limit exposure to challenging situations. eg. force me to interact with multiple new people in new situations every day, or do presentations in front of them and I'd soon be reduced to a nervous wreck.
I think as high masking, high functioning women, we often question whether we are autistic or not. I do the same thing all the time, and I often have to remember my childhood and how I presented then. I am very good at self- regulating now and most of my symptoms are more internal, rather than visible to others. However, as a child I had to be trained how to socialize, needed speech and occupational therapy and underwent desensitization to my sensory issues Because I received that intervention, I think I was taught how to be more "normal" I no longer struggle with certain things I had as a kid, but I definitely relate to the list of indicators for women. I struggle with many of the same things like everyday tasks and being in public. I can read very complex philosophical texts but I still don't know how to drive a car in my 20's!.
I relate to everything you said & I just want to send you a big hug (if you want one) because I am exactly the same! I hope that you find help/support very soon ❤
Hi! Just reading your comment, I wanted to note that moreover being autistic, have you considered you could have avoidant personality disorder? A lot of the symptoms overlap with autism, and people having this personality disorder often suspect they're on the autism spectrum. I'm on the same boat as you, no diagnosis but I relate to a lot of autism-related things and wondering if I'm on the spectrum. Atm I'm debating myself on whether or not seeing a professional 😅
Some of the biggest barriers in diagnosis is actually the expense. It’s pretty difficult to have a steady income with the impairments that come with the gifts of asd. Unless you come from wealth, it’s near impossible to afford the diagnosis when you’re literally struggling through adulting without enough, if any support.
Thanks Orion. I am a 67 yr old mother of 8 and have been a Psychologist for 45 yrs. Just diagnosed with ASD after 7 of my adult children were diagnosed with ADHD (as does my husband) and 5 of them with co morbid ASD. All high functioning, very creative members of society and no anti social behaviour. Our sensory issues are interesting. We even have synesthesia and aphantasia amongst them. Lots of musical talents including playing instruments. I have very high level skills in empathy, interpreting emotions, counselling, management but absolutely remember being very withdrawn as a child (lived in books). Interesting. Thanks for your RUclips channel. It’s great. I refer my clients to it all the time.
That's quite interesting. As a high functioning autistic who was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2008 at age 37, I'm nearly polar opposite when it comes to aphantasia. If anything, I tend to have an over-active imagination. That said, I also tend to be a very creative person. I too can empathize. However, I don't always show it. The funny thing is that I was not withdrawn as a child. I sought friends and enjoyed playing with others. That said, if left to my own devices, I was rarely bored even when alone. Thanks for sharing.
Just so you know, no judgment here, but we don't use functioning labels in the autistic community. They are extremely problematic, as those labeled high function are denied access to the support they need and let's be honest, does anyone want to be labeled as low functioning? Although, it does get them the support they need. We use terms like lower support needs and higher support needs. Also, at any given time we can move up and down the spectrum of support needs. Support needs are the same reason that Aspergers was removed also.
@@DavidLazarus I just commented to Kerry above, but I wanted you to see the comment also. Functioning labels are no longer used as those labeled with high functioning are then denied the support that they need.
@@RiverWoods111 to be fair, some people in this do use those labels, and I’m ok with them, I find them more useful in conversation at times, but I also work in mental health and work at destigmatising many terms there as well. It’s good to be aware some aren’t ok with it, but many Ive met and worked with don’t mind at all. They do open doors to more nuanced convos and more unique understanding as we unpack what function as a human being doing life actually is, but they are also useful in capturing where things don’t work, I prefer to refer to function than being faulty lol no we aren’t machines but we aren’t just our behaviour either.
That motivation doesn't necessarily come from us but rather the expectations put upon us- the motivation comes from not wanting to get told off by our parents and teachers and made fun of by anyone else our peers etc, our motivation is to minimise the negative responses we get in life and we problem solve that very effectively
This is very good video! Stimming and repetitive behaviours are often punished as a child, which means they won’t do them in public. Blaming difficulties on shyness is so true, it’s actually sad if you think about it, instead of helping a child you just brush it of on being shy, and tell them when they grow up it will get better, but it doesn’t… Autism becomes more obvious when you’re suppose to be an adult (reach a certain age with expectations attached to it) and your parents realise you can’t do that and nobody has a clue to why that is. It’s very depressing and hard on your mental health. I hope with all my heart that future autistic children will get a diagnosis, and therefore their accommodations, early on in life and learn how to deal with things right from the beginning so they can grow up to be strong and healthy human beings. I wish nobody a life with undiagnosed autism and all the stress and anxiety that goes with it, not knowing why you’re so weird or “different”. People around you are always so frustrated with you just because you can’t live up to their and society’s expectations, feeling like nobody loves you and you’re just a burden on everyone. It’s not a pretty life.
I was diagnosed after I had a daughter on the spectrum. After a lifetime of developing brilliant masking skills because everyone dismissed my anxiety, fear, and inability to learn in a conventional way, it’s such a gift to finally have women on the spectrum’s unique circumstances validated. Thank you and God bless!
I (31F) was diagnosed with autism last year, and before that time I've had several people tell me all sorts of things as to why I acted and reacted the way I did. I've been called over-sensitive (because my sensory overload tends to express itself as crying), weird (because I didn't fit in with my peers), and even lazy at times. Last year I was doing an internship somewhere, and my female boss at one time said "I believe you're autistic because I recognize the signs" (at that place there are several others with autism), the first time she said that I denied it, because I was scared it would change the way people would react to me. But then I started to think, and talked with my parents about it, and decided to get the diagnosis. The moment they told me I'm autistic, was one of the happiest days in a very long time. So many things finally started making sense, and now I wish I'd done it years ago. I'm still trying to figure some things out, but I have a lot of lovely people supporting me in this. I just wanted to thank you for all these videos you're making, so many of them make me understand myself even better. I even finally figured out my sexuality after watching your video about sexuality & autism. So thank you again, and keep up the good work.
Being “passing” would you disclose that while applying for a new job? Click prefer not to answer? I’ve been wanting to get diagnosed but two of my passing acquaintances don’t recommend that over self diagnosed bc of personal bias of doctors about what autism actually is. If I were to self diagnose, I’m stuck on whether or not I would disclose that… if you have any advice. It’s already been hard finding a new job these days
WHAT?! THERE'S A VIDEO ABOUT AUTISM AND SEXUALITY?!? I am SO there. TY for saying something about it, i haven't started digging through Orion's video log yet
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. I'm forever grateful for autistic youtubers like you. It means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
I had intensive social training from my parents for years on eye contact and “manners” aka how to conduct small talk. My ADHD specialist said that there was no way that I could be autistic because I was capable of making eye contact and I made a joke once. Years later I was properly diagnosed with ASD by a very well regarded and highly respected autism specialist. I have to run through a script in my head when talking to others, still struggle with eye contact, and have to frequently double check to make sure that I said please, thank you etc. I’ve been mocked by bosses for not understanding sarcasm and simply trying to do whatever ridiculous task that they were joking about. I want and like to connect with people but it is very tiring and I need a lot of recovery time.
Thank you for this!! I'm always in my head trying to come up with conversation and I beat up myself for interrupting but I'm actually trying to script as I'm talking.
I'm an undiagnosed Female. My mum tried to have me diagnosed as a child but it was dismissed. I've also been dismissed now as an adult by mental health professionals who said I'm too "social" to have autism. This video has resonated with me very much and validated my feelings that I know myself better than anybody else does.
It’s super important for women and girls to be assessed by a professional who has an understanding of females on the spectrum. We’re highly likely to be misdiagnosed.
Asperger here, but yeah all that he said about high masking, high functioning, and other people giving us "social training" is 100% on point! Keep up the good work man!
When I was going into 7th grade, I remember shopping for my school clothes and selecting clothing I thought would make me fit in, rather than the style I found more comfortable. It was so uncomfortable, AND everyone still thought I was weird. I rather wear what I am comfortable in, since people who think I am weird are going to think that no matter what I am wearing.
It took my son's very "classic" autism presentation for me and my extended family members to see that we're autistic too. That and the help of videos much like this one! Thanks for sharing, Orion!
I joked with my cousin that I could not get a professional diagnosis, but I got a family one. I was telling a short story about how my sister totally flipped out telling some ladies: "She's Autistic!!" BTW, my kids were diagnosed over ten years ago, I didn't realize until a year or so ago. I knew I was different, odd, whatever, but I am just like my kids. I am more comfortable now.
Happened with my husband. He was at the iep meeting for our son, arguing that he did not agree with their assessment, there was nothing wrong with his son he filled out the screening questions and our son was just like him and there was nothing wrong with him, he'd fill out those questions the same way. And we were all quiet for a minute.
Scripts, accents, regional dialects, yep. Understanding that I upset people and having no idea why. Executive functions. Good Job Orion. This totally resonates. I'm glad that Australia has been talking more about what actually can help autistic people. I live in America. Thanks
I’m pretty sure I am autistic, specifically an AuDHD (ADHD and Autistic). I’ve told my parents about it for about a year now, presenting evidence from my childhood, former diagnosis, and just lots of research over months long. I am also VERY sure I got Autism from my Dad, and ADHD from my Mum. Finally got to a point where my Dad and I can watch TV together and talk about autistic-coded characters. I think he is coming around to the idea he could be autistic, especially since it is obvious my Mum is ADHD and she is not at all autistic, has zero traits. Meanwhile he and I go on hikes and get excited about sticks and birds.
Neat...I'm 70 ..almost...and just figured out that I'm autistic as well as was my dad. I think if we had known back in the day...that life would have been better for our family...it explains so much. I'm thankful you are having that time with your dad...it is a blessing. Enjoy : )
THANK YOU. It seems odd to hear a man talk about what it is like to be an artistic woman, but NO ONE IS LISTENING TO US! Hopefully people will listen to YOU. My whole life would have been different if I'd have been able to get a diagnosis as a kid...
This video resonates with me. These are my traits: Low social drive, difficulty switching between activities, hypersensitivity to sensory input (light, sounds, textures), difficulty filtering out background noises, sensory stimming behaviours, preference for routine and predictability, extreme difficulty with unexpected changes or transitions, difficulty with executive functioning skills (time management, planning, organisation, and prioritisation). Paradoxically, I am hypersensitive to facial expressions and micro-expressions and tones of voice. It's very tiring being an autistic (single, now) mother of a very noisy teenage boy who is a CONSTANT talker. Can anyone relate?
I can. Here. I have a 12 year old communicator and she knows I need my space to decompress at times when I've had a crazy day. Dark room. Only noise is ADHD relief music or ocean and rain sounds.the fan blowing. It grounds me. I feel guilty for that I'm very fortunate for my job. I hope you know you rock!
I figured out when I was 16 that if I played up my feminine features in my manner of dress, always having my hair styled, using makeup etc doors would open for me.
6/17/2024 Hi I'm Elizabeth 48 years old and I love being alone because no One understands my feelings, People and family are to judgemental and I can't deal with injustice acts... I can't stand loud noises or people Arguing.. I'm so grateful because being A spiritual person helps me struggle less...🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 Houston Texas 🙌
Well said, thank you. That’s me, I grew up undiagnosed have suffered much with Co morbid issues. My health now in tatters. Finally diagnosed at 56! Had to fight all the way to get that diagnoses, it took 2 years to get an assessment, in the end I was ‘lucky’ and got an NHS diagnoses by an clinical phycologist who really understood Autism in females. While it has really helped understanding that I’m Autistic and it explains so much. It has not resulted in much support. Apparently I must be doing ‘really good’ because lived this long! And I don’t look Autistic, even though I was diagnosed, basically ‘you’ve coped so far, (I hide my difficulties so well) so why do you need help? . Help is apparently only for the young.
This is my story too, I was diagnosed at 51 privately as my local NHS wait time is 4 years and counting, thankfully the psychologist specialised in autism and also was very understanding of the different presentation in women. However Ive also paid the price with my physical and mental health ( it’s why I couldn’t wait 4 years as I was on the brink of total breakdown) I have also had the whole why bother as you have made it this far without a diagnosis, people don’t get that diagnosis even when there is next to no support afterwards completely reframes your entire life ,m for me it’s the difference between thinking I was broken and crazy and understanding I am just different and different is ok and there are other equally different people just like me out there
I spoke to my GP last year about the good chance I was autistic she said that she didn't think I was autistic but had autistic traits due to my anxiety 🙄 I'm 52. Even after battling for a referral it will take years to get a diagnosis
@@Greencava11 sadly this shows a lack of understanding by GPs of autism especially in women , I literally went armed with my AQ50 score (48) and a 10 page document detailing examples throughout my life which pointed to me being autistic, that got me a referral but waiting lists in the UK are just horrific and I have heard of places where they refuse to refer anyone who is an adult for assessment for any ND condition. It’s like because we aren’t kids we don’t matter, but we deserve to enjoy life not just try and survive it too !
@@cazridley5822 yep I have to go back with examples.for a referral (I've had an informal one from a friend who is a professional assessor) but I'm finding it exhausting alongside the time line to see anyone. Apparently for those of us who may be but don't know (but know we are ) it's like climbing through treacle and even if we get the diagnosis there isn't any support so we just continue to manage. My mental health is poor but non o f normal stuff people are shoved towards work well not for me ((CBT talking therapies for example} will things get any better .... doubtful hence why a lot of us end up seeking support online
@@Greencava11 I so understand your experience, I was fortunate that I had savings I could use for diagnosis but they didn’t stretch to support there is pretty much zilch support available on the NHS once you are diagnosed. I have been offered medication for the anxiety which I am taking and it’s helping a bit but that is where it ends as I was told the self referral “ talking therapy “ in my area would reject me as they aren’t geared up for autistic people. It’s pretty much a case of yes you are autistic now just carry on as you were, because you’ve survived for 50 odd years so why do you need help now. I don’t know if this is just a UK thing or if it’s universal…I wish you luck with getting your referral and assessment, it is very much worth it as it helps make sense of your life and view yourself a bit more kindly ( I just thought I was a freak and a failure ), I guess I was just hoping there was some kind of how to navigate life once you know help available but in Sussex there isn’t.
Hi , everything you've explained makes so much sense to me , I've always struggled with social interactions but I'm very good at masking while I'm at work , I've had addiction issues and self harmed trying to fit it in social settings to the point I'd drink so much before going anywhere I've been unable to stay , I find it differcult to even sit and have coffee with friends the anxiety will start days before mulling it over in my head , I'm now 51 yrs old not diagnosed but I've made an appointment with my doctor for today . Plus I get overwhelmed with being in public places with lots of people I just want to escape .
Yes i understand 100% where u are coming from! I spiraled into addiction myself on and off for years! I am done with it finally! I have also been running away from my greater power which is something I'm trying to figure out without sounding Woo Woo! LOL. There is a higher power and Jesus is not messing around. If u are a human being he wants to save u. JUST saying
I don't have a diagnosis, but I consider myself a high functioning, high masking woman. I remember being miserable in middle school and high school because I had really intense interests that nobody shared in. I really enjoy social interaction if it is with the right people, and the topic of conversation is interesting. That was not the case for many years of my adolescence, and I was considered a loner who read books all the time. As a kid, I was very happy and more sociable, but when everything got complicated in middle school, I just fell out of sync with it all.I remember loving college because I finally bonded with people and made friends who share my interests. I think that as neurodivergent women ( and men too), we have to be much more patient when it comes to finding satisfying social relationships.
What you describe here are characteristics of high IQ people in general. I was miserable in school always and always socially very uncomfortable, but I really don't have the other symptoms of autism. I always got good grades and was able to achieve in most subjects. When my son was born and he also had very difficult social issues but was clearly very bright, I entered a university grad school program and earned a Masters Degree specializing in the Education of the Gifted and Talented. I learned that very high IQ individuals and those with intellectual personalities have often find shallow conversation , small talk etc. boring or uncomfortable. They have unique social and emotional challenges, but are not actually autistic unless other symptoms are present.
It's also very important to note that this profile of Autism occurs in both males and females. I am a cis man and I am a very high masking individual with Autism. All of these traits apply to me. I understand how many women who struggle with this may want to blame toxic masculinity for their struggles, but please also know that toxic traits are not limited to men. For me personally, my defensive, narcissistic mother forced me to start masking because of how she treated me. And yet, I dont blame "toxic femininity", I blame toxic people. I feel for everyone who has suffered as a high masking autisitic individual. Stay safe, everyone. 💕
Running away from the playground yelling I hate this school everyday in primary school… I knew as a toddler I was an alien. I’m definitely autistic but I’m so deeply masked.
You reminded me of my playground experience in early grade school.The teacher had the class playing some game together.I would run around by myself somewhere by myself flying a kite, only I didn't actually have a kite.I was just imagining that I did.
your comment reminded of a old memory of when I was in preschool, it was an early morning and my mom was dragging me towards my class while my teacher was there trying to convince me to go and I kept crying and yelling I didn’t wanna go and I hated school :(
Alien! Yeah, that's how I described myself growing up & now even. Always this sense I was constantly looking in from the outside, thinking people had a " something" a knowledge or instinct, to know how to do social interacting not just for a fews hours bit all the time! That which I must've been born without.
I am often accused of being sharp or rude but I just think I'm being exact or precise. It seems that neurotypicals can't handle exactness or precision.
@@Laylathelayla811autistic people don’t need 1000 words to get a point across. Being terse does not mean being rude. The problem here is with neurotypicals perception
I was raised in the South and Polite is a science down here. When you are speaking for the purpose of getting a thought out of your head, you can say it however you like. When you are speaking for the purpose of getting a thought into someone else's head, you have to do it in a way that they can hear. That's what Polite is for.
Thanks for mentioning the hate of transitions! I wasn't aware of this one as an autistic trait, although recently it slowly dawned on me that I do hate them, too. It came to me after I tried to figure out why I avoid showering - it's because it involves transitions (TWO of them, from dry to wet and then again from wet to dry). Seems ridiculous maybe, but being dry, warm and wearing clothes is SO comfortable that every morning I hate to leave that state. But standing under a warm stream massaging the skin is also awesome, I don't want to get out and freeze until I carefuly dry myself. It's like the good sides of the state I'm not currently in are totally overshadowed by the good sides of the state I am in, so I have to force myself to transition each time. Transitions are unpleasant. Any tricks to make oneself remember more vividly how good the other state can feel, just to have motivation to do the transition?
I say as a joke that I hate transitions so badly that I postponed being born by over 2 weeks. But then they dragged me out using a special tool. To enter the shower is hard for me too.
I have spent my whole life (66) years studying and scrutinising facial expressions. I would go as far as to say that l am obsessed with reading micro mimic. This gives me a great advantage in social situations. I work in a social environment, but have no great desire to 'socialise', outside my place of work. I am female, with a very late diagnosis.
For sure, I’m 66 yrs old now and diagnosed late. Mainly because my son was diagnosed late also. I have another son ,also autistic. All my life people have called me weird and different to most other people, I could read really well when I was 4 without really being taught (hyperlexia) . I’ve always closely observed people’s behaviour in fascination at how different people are and constantly changed myself depending on the company I was with, though as a young child, I had little interest in socialising as I was completely content making things and couldn’t really relate to other children. I have spent my life masking and because I can cope quite well socially no one would have any idea of how hard it has been constantly coming up with strategies and explanations for my different behaviour. I honestly think I mastered it, though now, I’m exhausted with it. Burnt out and just can’t keep it up. I’ve now told people that I’m Aspergers or at a high functioning end of the autism spectrum. To my surprise, no one seems surprised, which has come as a huge relief and finally I can try and be true to myself and have some sort of identity. As a kid I used to tell people I wasn’t actually from this planet, waiting for my real parents. Apart fro the bullying my sons had to endure, it was probably an advantage for them that I have always related well to them, totally understanding their intense approach to what they found interesting and fostered it. They’ve grown up to be quite successful, different, one does really struggle socially at times if he’s overwhelmed and prefers to be alone a lot, as I do, but the masking is something I just can’t keep doing anymore. Always had eating disorders, depression and extreme anxiety.
I just almost refuse to mask anymore (in my 60s now) and that comes across as defiant, aggressive, and uncooperative, all the things I struggled not to be all my life. So tired I don't care anymore.
@allieeverett9017 totally agree. I've explained it to my friends so they can understand how tired I've become of it all. Thankfully, they tell me it's ok, they'd prefer me to stop masking around them so they know who I really am.
I’m on the emotionally intense and gifted side of the spectrum. I was never diagnosed because even as a child I knew when the people around me were emotionally overwhelmed and I lived in a house with an abusive narcissistic sibling and emotionally immature mom. I was terrified of burdening them so I masked and tried to be what they needed me to be, an easy child. But masking was also what made me uncomfortable to be around. The “nice” personalities tolerated me but kept me on the outside and the toxic personalities manipulated and abused me. I still never fit in with any group, even trying to mask and I desperately wanted to connect with people. Add to the social issues I struggled with and the complex ptsd I was developing from an abusive home and you’ve got an emotionally gifted but trauma split and structurally dissociated autistic person visiting her first mental hospital by 27 being diagnosed borderline personality disorder (🙄, 10 years later i was diagnosed correctly with complex ptsd). I’ve still never been diagnosed autistic but my 13 year old son was diagnosed by the time he turned 5. As a neurodivergent mom, I make it very clear to him that there’s nothing wrong with him. His brain is special and he’s just able to use more of it than neurotypical people.
I was just recently diagnosed with autism after speculating I had something else with my depression, anxiety, and ADHD and after a professor I worked with told me to get tested for it. This video resonated with me so much and I was able to relate to a lot of what you said. I find myself masking all the time as my boyfriend is a very socialable person and has a lot of friends. Ironically enough, my friends are all neurodivergent and I really enjoy their company more so than my boyfriends friends. I was bullied a lot by my peers when I was in elementary school all the way through high school because I couldn't understand social cues. I just wish I was diagnosed sooner so I could have learned that it was okay to be different.
I am a 63 year old woman, who was just diagnosed as having autism last week. I'm sure my parents would have appreciated knowing that I was autistic when I was little. For me, at my age, the diagnosis just provides me with the answers as to why I've always been "different" with my peculiarities and quirks. I am thankful for what I have learned through your videos, and Olivia Hops videos as well. I know that are more out there who are sharing, but you two have helped me out a lot.
Yeah I had a bit of a meltdown at work the other day and I dont think this girl I work with will talk to me again. Really hard to work extra shifts and keep the mask up! I need a people break so bad right now...
This resonates with me incredibly deeply and I think touches on how I’ve always felt like an alien, but then I learned to embrace some weirdness but also how to blend in
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 51, in the 1970’s and 80’s when I was growing up they barely looked for signs of autism in boys never mind in girls. I had to go down the private route as the wait time in my county in the UK on the NHS is 4 years and increasing, thankfully my psychologist specialised in autism and was aware of the different presentation in women. I would agree on the bullying and eating disorders I have experienced both , my ASD diagnosis also lead to my hEDS diagnosis after being wrongly diagnosed with arthritis..hEDS being a common co morbidity in people with autism. It is worth the fight for diagnosis as it completely reframed my life and how I think about myself
@@anjareefschlager8317 I have Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which is more common in people with autism and often gets misdiagnosed as something else
@@SKOLAH Hi Bendy Buddy ! I think there are quite a few of us out here even though they haven’t proved the link yet , and likely lots who have been misdiagnosed as so little is known about hEDS. I am doing ok thanks clicking, bending and hurting which is my normal , hope you are doing ok having both isn’t for the faint hearted for sure !
I've always felt misunderstood and alone. Sometimes I try to fight it, Sometimes I enjoy it. It's like shutting down and zoning out help to center myself? But, when I speak,people don't want to understand.
Thank you for putting this out there, it's so hard to put it in words. Especially when people don't believe you. You have been describing my whole entire life. So I'm grateful for all your videos. Thank you so much❤
I appreciate this video and all the comments from people who have these experiences. It's a relief in many ways for me to have both because it highlights so much of my “un utterable” life experiences in this world.
All very familiar, I’m 44 now and getting tired of masking. I live my looking forward to the end of social situations (parties, school plays, family gatherings) and worrying about the next. I can never look forward to anything, other than the end of it. Not a great mind set, but I’m hoping I can last until the kids are independent.
I'm a 35 year old autistic woman and my first girlfriend at 17 told me something that tons of pretty girls around my age had also told me. She said because I was pretty, didn't talk much, and seemed irritated and withdrawn around people she assumed I was "stuck up". She had no idea I was socially awkward until she got to know me better. I think it's about time society faces it's lookism problem when it comes to diagnosing pretty young women and girls.
It’s especially confusing when all the bullying and being told you’re weird or annoying has left you with no clue whatsoever that you might actually be pretty.
Being a high functioning autistic woman myself, it was good to see someone making these things clear. We can cope for a while pretty well once enough years of experience go by, but wow is it draining! And in early life, you take a lot of emotional hits to gain that skill. I'm always proud of myself when I can make a sarcastic joke and have normies laugh though.
I was unconsciously masking and was really good at it as I got older but the pandemic has made me pretty much stop and it was only then I realised. I don't think I masked as a child though, I used to break down screaming before I would say hello to strangers. Don't know why it didn't occur to anyone that I might be autistic..
Yeah, I was making leaps and strides in social progress between, say, 2017 and early 2020. Then, that came to a halt once the pandemic hit. Now, I'm overly cautious about COVID even though I have had the two initial shots and three boosters. I'm trying to break that a bit by going to less populated places, such as a local coffee shop, without masking. However, I still wear a mask when buying groceries and generally use self-checkout. Thanks for sharing!
@David Lazarus I still live like a hermit as my work allowed me to keep working from home, at first I felt like everyone else was breathing too much and wanted them to go away but I'm not really paranoid about it anymore. I still don't really socialise though because I rarely feel any desire to and I always ruin every conversation I have by saying something weird.
The day I learned about scripting was life changing. Because I’m an anxious AuDHDer it’s difficult to navigate what’s what sometimes and I’ve often experienced “imposter syndrome,” especially with autism, /especially/ because I’ve always been high-masking. But learning about scripting put a lot of pieces together and finally gave me the confidence/validation in that side of myself. (Also, the amount of AuDHDers coming out and talking of their experiences helps a ton, too!) Thanks for going through all the barriers and trait examples!
Is it just me or does anyone else think these comments below are, across the board, the most articulate and thought provoking set we've ever had the good fortune to read?❤ We should form some kind of group or club maybe, since that is what many of us are looking for???
Thankyou Orion for being a voice on my behalf, I had to insist in order for me to be taken seriously as a female person to get a diagnosis for my autism because I have suspected for many years that I have autism, that I am not neurotypical, I think that we need things for autistics by autistics, because I agree with you, it is exhausting just being autistic and none of us are a stereotype, yes we are on a spectrum, but our spectrum is a Kaleidoscope full of different shapes and colours and I will say it again, Thankyou for being a voice on my behalf ❤XXX ❤
I am a 39 year old male and received my diagnosis about 4 months ago from my ADHD therapy (been diagnosed with ADHD since June). The ASD diagnosis was a complete suprise for me. I identified with nearly everything here and elsewhere for the "female presentation" of Autistm. I know that having these set of traits together with a specific gender have probably helped more women get diagnosed than otherwise probably would have, and that is awesome! For me, the name "Female Presentation" has been a hinderance in my diagnosis and acceptance and feeling that I belong within the community...I still feel like an outsider...but at least I understand myself better...
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14 but my life didn't get any easier on medication. I have never been able to maintain friendships and end up just copying the way my peers dress and copy their interests and even how they speak. Years later I had a son and he has been diagnosed with ASD. It is now that I'm convinced I have ASD and was misdiagnosed. I can't stand the sound of multiple people talking and I hate small talk. I sometimes experience meltdowns which get worse when I'm under stress and I can't control them. I've finally accepted and realised this and am trying to stop masking. I openly stim now if I have to and no longer feel like my body is full of pressure and rage. And I no longer pressure myself to be social there's nothing wrong with the company of only my family as maintaining my friendships makes me feel a constant pressure. Not to mention forcing myself to give people I don't know well eye contact is so uncomfortable for me that I sweat. It's unbelievable that I suffered in silence and was bullied all through high school and felt like I had no identity because my psychiatrist and school counsellor never even saw the signs. I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm autistic I just know after learning all about it from my sons experience.
I was put in karate lessons as a little girl to force me to learn eye contact. It felt like trying to stare into the sun then and still does 30 years later. Figuring out I'm autistic was a shock because I always thought I "passed as normal" but then I discovered that masking is literally just trying to pass as normal and while I can do it well for brief interactions (i.e. with clients at work) once somebody knows me for a while, the weirdness becomes unavoidable. I think a lot of people "knew" I was autistic before I did!
I, a woman in her early 50s, tick so many boxes on this. I'm currently undergoing the diagnostic process, but I feel like such an imposter. Because I still have the stereotypical white boy on my mind. And I may have been so high-masking that I lost touch with who I am, how I perceive things, and how I react. On top of that, I've lived an extremely isolated life due to severe chronic illness for nearly 2 decades now, so answering the diagnostic questions is so hard. I don't even remember how it is to be social and I can't even test it. So, eye contact? Do I do that. Beats me. Etc.
Yes, talk about isolation... on the autism tests they'll ask you about how your friends & family react to you and that is simply irrelevant for an isolated person. What friends & family?? Lol
i don't know if this will help you, but diagnosis are only a form of categorizing symptoms so they know how to treat you and how to bill you too. what matters is your subjective experience and what ends up working best for your mental health in the end, with a diagnosis or not. what im trying to say is that your suffering is valid with this condition or not
I try to think about this because I have a lot of overlapping issues that a woman on the spectrum have but have no idea if I would qualify for a diagnosis, especially considering you need family members to corroborate and I don't have a great relationship with my parents, so I try to just validate my own experiences without a formal diagnosis
On this topic, how do you feel about sitting at a bar and having a drink or a meal? It’s been a difficult thing for me bc so many people seem to be able to. I just can’t go sit at a restaurant by myself even though I’m kind of a social recluse.
@@jacquelynallen488 My mind's immediate reaction: going to a restaurant by yourself is considered weird by society. -> Cue anxiousness. I've never tried going to a bar. I'm terrible at starting conversations and tend to jump into ones of others, if I feel like I can contribute knowledge - which obviously means I've been listening to them, which is also not really socially acceptable.
Thank you for this video. I have been previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety whereas I'm actually autistic. Diagnosed when I was around 40. I am currently an art student at college here in England and doing my final project about autism. I have just done a research page about autism and menopause which no one talks about and I'm really struggling with menopause myself and hate atm.
Wow, you're really an inspiration. Fantastic topic because right? Never even heard autism and menopause in the same sentence. Sitting here at 50 trying desperately to better understand both because boy are they hitting hard. Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate it. ❤😊
Thank you so much for this video! I work with a woman at school who is autistic and this has enlighted me so much and have started to understand why she does certain things and certain way... such an eye opener! Keep up the good work 👏 thanks again 😊
I wish they would give more stims then the stereotypical ones. Just because I don't hand flap, rock, or spin, doesn't mean I don't stimm. Humming, jingling my keys or a chain. If I have a necklace, I fiddle with it. I also tap my thumb and middle finger together 3x in a row. Just 3x to focus or remember something. I may do it again later the next minute or an hour from now, but I only do 3x because many repetitive movements bother the general public. Pen/pencil clicking or tapping. Doodling while listening, if the pencil is wooden, chewing on it. Fiddling with your hair, a piece of clothing, or if you carry one, your purse strap. If I am walking with a bottled drink, I lightly toss it up in the air with one flip and catch it while I walk. It looks nifty, so no one is bothered by it. Foot tapping and leg kicking gently back and forth while in a chair. All these are stims.
Thank you for sharing this... I catch myself saying "ok ok ok" when starting a new task or hum the same short tune that I have no idea where it came from. These are also stims?
@@SuziQ3 I’m a chronic hummer :) I do it alone but noticed a bit more when people are around as a soothing exercise and it also means I don’t have to talk to them lol 😆
I think the link between autism in females and eating disorders is interesting and not commonly known. After watching a bbc documentary recently (Christine McGuinness ‘Unmasking: My Autism’) it was really interesting to hear from London University professors highlighting the link/likelihood of sexual assaults against autistic woman. Shocking but yet such an eye opener for any female with autism like myself. Worth a watch!
When my daughter was 12, (she is now 29) I asked her psychiatrist if she could be autistic, and he said it was not possible. After many years of incorrect diagnosis, she was tested by a psychologist and received her diagnosis.
I was diagnosed at age 59. Always hearing people say I cannot be bec I make eye contact. I do not hate people but I love being alone as much as possible.
It's videos like these that I wish my dad would watch to learn and understand autism. He asks me what can he do to help because I'm currently questioning if I am autistic, and from all the research I've done I am almost certain I am, but he doesn't actually take the time to actually learn our struggles and hardships in daily life. I am 15yrs old and a high masking individual and I wish it was just easier to get the help needed for a diagnosis and I'm scared I'll get diagnosed late in life, I just hope I get a diagnosis before the time comes when I get to go to uni. I am finally getting reffered to a pshycologist but not for asd, for anxiety. But I hope eventually I'll get some sort of diagnosis or help for whatever is going on in my brain.
I think I ended up being very lucky that my class in school was actually pretty good about (usually) not bullying. For example, many of the special needs kids in my high school class were actually somewhat popular, and the class *encouraged* them in their journey through high school and applauded them when they successfully graduated. And although there definitely were groups/cliques, the class was still generally accepting of things such as the sports star also hanging out with the D&D club kid from time to time or whatnot. Things like that probably made my middle school and high school experience MUCH better for me, despite my difficulties and autism
Okay I just got to the part where you summed up & you and said you have 30 seconds to answer you clicked your imaginary stopwatch and you said tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock. How amazing would it be, in a perfect, artistic world, everyone on the panel could’ve responded with a “well first of all you could give us more than 30 seconds to answer.” I am so grateful for your courage and desire to help others. I’m more determined than ever to fight for a diagnosis. California isn’t quite there yet in helping or possibly even wanting to help adult women get help with this. Thanks again Orion you did a very good thing and I’m so sorry for the cost it was for you.
Thank you for talking about this. It took me almost 40 years to identify why I struggle with the things I do and honestly I'm having a heck of a time clawing my way out of utter burnout before I lose everything I've worked my whole life for. There's such a lack of resources for adult AFAB autistics in my part of the world.
Orion, You are a light to understanding the Autistic. Thankyou for All You are doing to smarten up Neurotypicals and prepare the medical communties to stop looking at "disability" and start seeing the "ability" of every Autistic person.
Love the information you have put together here. You mentioned a few times “studies show”, could you share the names of the research papers your referencing? I would like to research these as well for use in a paper. Thank you so much for sharing. It all hit home with me.
I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 5 years old. Kudos to my teacher for spotting it. I'm 33 now, and I'm happy to say that I've held onto my full-time job for 5 years. I didn't think it'd be possible, but I was determined. I remember when I was younger, that eye contact was my greatest weakness. I still struggle with it at times, but not nearly as bad. I kinda taught myself by practicing looking at characters on TV in the eye. I tend to rock sometimes, play with my hair, constantly doing something with my hands (on my phone, on my laptop, typing, playing games, counting my money at work, tapping my fingers or pen, etc), and unless I say that I have Asperger's, no one can really tell the difference. Not sure if I've improved over the years or if I'm masking. Still, I know I'm doing better compared to when I was younger. My supportive family and teachers were what helped me graduate with my class. The only thing I wish was that my mother was pushy with me in learning how to cook like she was when it came to learning how to drive. I now turn to YT for help in learning how to cook, but I'm thankful that I can at least cook basic things (eggs, rice, noodles, ground beef, and diced chicken). I'm still into anime and video games despite my age. Not sure I should be proud of it or ashamed. Still, I'm glad to be independent instead of dependent.
I think a lot of what you've noted around diagnosis and co-occurring medical conditions can in some part be linked to the medical community not believing women as much as men when women report their symptoms. The institutional sexism that exists in medicine.
I’ve always said I’m very empathetic but I definitely remember observing learning and mimicking behaviors until it became “acting” and then just became habit… I never fit in but by college I learned how to MAKE myself fit in and I don’t mean changing my personality, but like how to socialize and maintain friendships
I am 71 and was diagnosed a couple years ago. I am not sure if I will ever be able to unmask. Right now, I am dealing with extreme anger and depression and am very reclusive. I just don't see what the purpose of my life was for!
Great video! My psychologist told me he have much experience with young adult women dealing with anxiety and depression that turns out to be autistic and he found me to fit in to that picture. Being potentially autistic is something I have mixed feelings about because I have never had any problems at all understanding irony or reading between the lines (at least not since my late teens) and I can express my own feelings and noticing facial expressions in other people etc (I even love to observe those and use it as inspiration for my own fictional writing).I know I function quite well in social situations where I feel I belong, like the 18th century reenactment society I am a member of, but in the wrong ones I feel very much out of place, for example the local grocery store where I was a trainee a few years ago (I don't think I have ever met such indifferent people as I did there) However, I have always felt that I am too weird to be loved by others than my parents and I have never had any true lasting friendships. I am neither that much flexible and my most severe trait seems to be a great disability with breaking unhealthy isolation habits, no mather how much I wish to. I have always had what I call a phobia against dissapointments, which has led to so many missed opportunities in life, but thinking of that as a symthom of autism is a new idea that do make sense. Do I even have to mension that the traumatic pandemic isolation I was forced to was a total disaster, personally? 😢 Lastly, I don't see masking as something entirely negative if used wisely and with knowledge about how it affects one, so the risk of burnout can be minimized. My psychologist also gave me the advise to be restrictive in telling people about an potential diagnosis, because their beliefs about it might be very false and that might lead to weird missunderstandings.
I think that a barrier for adults is the cost. Some places in here in the USA here in my state of North Carolina want over thousands of dollars and don't take any insurance. I suspect I have autism because I have ADHD and that overlaps and I have 2 children with both autism and ADHD and both are girls. Ones autism is noticeable, but not very much she is high functioning. Her sister is more high functioning, not trying to compare them. But what are the odds that I have 2 children with both autism and ADHD and I have a confirmed ADHD diagnosis. I suspect I have autism as well. I just discussed this with my children's pediatrician, and she said I probably have autism as well if both of my children have it too. The children's fathers are confirmed schizophrenia and bipolar. But sometimes people say bipolar is actually autism. I grew up in the 1980's when autism wasn't tested, and it wasn't tested in girls. I mainly got tested for ADHD. Both of my children got diagnosed for autism and ADHD and it's like looking in a hall of mirrors with them. I see their behaviors in myself. What are the odds that a parent has 2 autistic and ADHD children? My mother was schizophrenic but no one else was, but me and all of my children have autism have autism and ADHD but I have been unable to get an unofficial diagnosis due to the cost. They now have genetic for testing for autism. I want to get my youngest tested.
(Question at the end if you survive the long comment). I pursued an autism diagnosis after working with autistic kids in daycare. I have never understood children - not even when I was myself a child - and while I have learned how to read and anticipate how 'normal' children behave, it has always seemed alien to me. When I worked with these high functioning autistic kids, I for the first time, saw myself and my emotional responses to the world. I also saw adults treating their emotional world as entirely incomprehensible and random, when to me it seemed the opposite. This lead me into a deep internet search into autism in women. I recall nearly weeping when I saw my first video describing autistic women - it gave me words and explanations and connections that I had never heard of before. However, my diagnosis process was soul-crushing. I felt they were evaluating my basic intelligence and counting against me all the social skills that I have poured my heart into learning and mastering. My parents were entirely against the idea that I had autism, and this was heavily weighted in the process. The fact that my parents and upbringing were so strange puts the cause of my 'strangeness' under question. Is it just my upbringing? To me, the answer is clearly no. But to psychologists who have to weigh my word against my parents with less than 3 hours of interaction with me to go on, it was an impossible battle. They also argued that I simply function too well in society to qualify for such a disorder. Why is a diagnosis important to me? - Partly I want to present it to my parents. Partly I want to feel secure that I belong in the autistic community. Partly I want to campaign for autistic awareness. Partly I want access to resources. But how can you confirm that you are autistic when 'everyone' is 'weird' in some way? When your parents are entirely opposed? How do I know it is a neurological condition and not childhood conditioning? How can I insist when the diagnostic process resulted in a no? The only backers I have are my closest friends who have intimately experienced my journey from when I was 18 years old and onwards. I have no close friends from before I was 18. It is frustrating to find something that is so life-changing to discover, but not be able to take part in all the benefits because of the barriers. It is frustrating that my proudest achievements (learning how to let unfinished thoughts go in a conversation; learning how let other people get a word in; recognizing sarcasm; engaging in small group banter; etc) counts for nothing in the eyes of most people. And it is bizarre when my most effortless accomplishments get so much praise. I don't know. I don't know where to go with this. I also don't know how to be good with a family that believes I have developed other psychological problems (not autism) and need therapy for making up a childhood experience they believe I did not have.
Oh man. It feels so good to feel heard with this video. Thank you for what you do sir. I've been so conflicted with this since my ex therapist mentioned it over a decade ago, but made my childhood make sense, and she got me into some life changing groups, especially CBT and felt like I woke up a little after that.. and have rarely been depressed since. Even though I tried my darnest to ignore it within myself, especially because I am still of age to join the military if things ever go south with my horrible job history. I'm so afraid of any diagnoses that could potentially iliminate my back up plan, however I finally found a job where I feel comfortable most of the time and almost at 2 years now & received many raises & promoted to manager (which I don't really feel qualified for as I know I have very poor verbal communication skills).. It's the longest I've held a job for. It's typically quite, with a couple employees and I really enjoy working with my hands, doing my own thing (packing, inventory & organzing mostly). I've seen may ppl quit this job quickly, which I've eventually realized, it's not for everyone. However, I think I am being made fun of between my coworkers & boss, as they speak very quietly and then hear laughter & the energy shifts when I get closer. Who knows? It doesn't really bother me, just curious & I honestly prefer not being spoken to so I can finish my tasks. Lately I've been wondering if I may be putting a weird energy out there to others, especially in college, which I can't really pursue much more further either, as group work/presentations makes my mind blank out & full on panic. Back to my job though, once I get into the zone, I'm dead to the world and is when I'm most happy. Its weird though, I somehow cannot properly calculate/think when I have to partner up with a coworker, too. I do sometimes wish to be like most people, meaning that I could experience what it's like to "click" with somebody to laugh with & and maybe even share my passions with. It seems liberating. I've tried social media, but it gives me too much anxiety & no one cares about my fascination with arthropods, physics & music anyways. Watching the show, "Friends" is the closest I've been to an actual friend and is comforting enough. This video hits the spot though, as it is a kind reminder that I'm not the only one struggling with bullies, being avoided/outcasted, social situations, etc. Thank you again kind sir. I hope all is well. 💙
I remember being told that only liars avoid eye contact. I was around 4 years old. From then on, I consciously chose eye contact when interacting with others, but it made me feel dead inside. It was too overstimulating so I dissociated. And that's how I began my life of masking.
I just realized, that this is why I could never focus on the conversation, when I tried to keep eye contact with someone. Thank you for your comment. Now I understand myself a little better.
Oh Heather, how exhausting for you!
I find eye contact very intimate like people can see inside my soul. It's too much for me sometimes.
I was told the same bs and can absolutely relate! High time for a diagnosis, thanks to Orion's videos and the comments of all of you here. The biggest clue I got was from a female friend at Mensa, who is both HIQ and autistic. Until then (two years ago) I also believed the bs that autism is exclusively related to low IQ 🙄 which is completely wrong indeed!
@mothermetta me too. I had the same experience. Thanks for your comment. I just got an official diagnosis a couple days ago. I'm an almost 57 yr old female who learned to mask early in life. I was misdiagnosed and overly medicated for years. I'm finally learning to love myself for the unique human being I am.
Women in general have to come up with a level of hyper-vigilance and people-pleasing far beyond what is ever imposed on men, with worse consequences when we slip. I would assume this applies to autistic women as well.
I agree.
couldn't agree more! my dad was surprised when he visited me that i was aware of almost all attitude of people in our viscinity. i had to explain that as a woman i simply don't have the luxury to not be hyper vigilant if i want to be safe....
I also agree!
Hi, I am a recently diagnosed autistic female in my 44th. High masking, "high functioning"... Until my anxiety, PTSD and depression meet my father's death and the COVID-19 pandemic and 40 years of high functioning and high masking suddenly became too much and my system collapsed. The reason why women mask more is because we are held to a very high standard of social behavior from a very young age.
Also, we are "supposed" to be more emotionally based. If we're not, then we're automatically labeled as "something wrong with that chick". Anyone ever consider females are more emotionally based because we are taught since birth to be?
@@see4182 exactly! Women are more emotional, they say. NO! Women are trained, from the very first day, to be emotional drive, to be emotional responsive.
I suspect i am a “high functioning” autist, with diagnosed anorexia, ocd, adhd, anxiety and depression. Sometimes I wonder if I am just misdiagnosed - that’s a lot of separate labels & I’ve thought for a long time that something is missing. My partner killed himself in 2019, 6 months before the pandemic. I worked in health food grocers throughout the pandemic. I JUST got diagnosed last year with adhd at age 30… because my masks have stopped working!! I’m BURNT OUT. I have weekly meltdowns (edit: lately it’s been almost daily) because I am now leading a sewing academy and doing 2 peoples jobs (it’s a non-profit). I have said I need an assistant ASAP if they don’t want to hire 2 people (rather than just 1) - I can’t last much longer honestly. I’m pursuing a diagnosis to help me understand myself, but also so I can navigate this world and any future career more successfully.
Women are socialised to do the "emotional labour" of eg partners or families: saving men the trouble. But are then penalised for being "too emotional" and therefore "inferior" to men -- as such rational, unemotional beings (never mind their rages and violence).
I remember both my parents expected me to be a thought-reader along the lines of "you shouldn't have to be asked" to do this chore or that. Realised only a few years ago that my father was classic Aspergers: and even more recently realised I have a lot of autistic traits myself.
It happened to me too when pandemic and quarantine.
People say ‘boys will be boys’ to excuse their disruptive behaviors. NOBODY says ‘girls will be girls’ Instead, our character or morals are impugned, we are ridiculed, shamed, judged, ostracized & punished! We mask (if we are able or inclined) to avoid these pressures! It’s pure (soul killing) survival 😔 Plenty of us want to holler, act out, stim, shut down, tune out . . . we are told to be lady like 🙄 so we adapt
Ugh this is too true. It makes me sad but it also makes me want to ACT UP. I think the world is finally seeing another portion of the cycle coming around - the part where women are fed the f**k up and start doing something about it.
This perfectly incapsulates the process of the way masking completely takes over our genuine personalities and natural inclinations and instincts as we try to navigate this world that wasn’t built for us.
I’m 42 and still undiagnosed because I’m a master masker. My daughter is autistic, my nephew, several of my cousins’ children and I’m 100% positive my Dad is as well, but because I can socialize appropriately and make “eye contact” then I can’t be autistic…(no of course I’m not staring directly between your eyebrows or your just under them etc🤣🤣) They don’t know that several times while out in the world I have to escape to a quiet place to breathe and reset, or that I’m constantly trying to focus on what’s happening rather than searching for weird patterns in the wood grain on the floor, getting distracted by other sounds or senses; or completely and inappropriately high jacking the conversation based on a single word that triggered a special interest memory. They have no idea that when I get home after those social experiences I’m either franticly melting down or completely catatonic.
It’s fricking exhausting to keep it up but being as there are no good resources around me for dx’ing adult women, I’m not sure what to do… I was tested 5 yrs ago and the test they gave me was a diagnostic created in 1982. I knew then that according to that I would not get the appropriate diagnosis and I didn’t.
It’s really hard not having the validation or support you need because you’ve done so well mimicking normalcy despite the fact that under it all you could not be less “normal” 😅😂🥴🤦🏻♀️🥹
This 💯😐😑
Yes, yes, yes.....glad someone acknowledges this besides me. So absolutely true. My life as an only girl child with three brothers....."girls are supposed to be sweet" "girls are quiet" "girls walk slow and take small steps" "girls are lady like" "girls cross their legs" "girls need to know how to cook and clean" and on and on...so many rules for girls....I just wanted to be a tree so I wouldn't have any feelings to get hurt constantly.
PREACH❤
I am diagnosed with autism, I am a high masking woman, but 100% agree with everything you said. I also feel like things could be added to the diagnosis criteria for women or at least taken into account. Things like emotional dysregulation. Crying bursts. Tendency to collect things. Intense scripting. Strong need for predictability, less about routine than males. Hyper sensitive emotionally and sensory. Skin picking. Strong creative ability and interests instead of STEM. Avoidance behaviors. Childlike. Excessive sleeping. Daydreaming, or maladaptive daydreaming. Time blindness. Difficulties having a job or keeping a job.
these are all common difficulties that women on the spectrum face that are just not mentioned during assessment in a medical environment. Just in the community as of now.
thanks for mentioning that, because i don't feel like i need a routine so much, i'm happy to do whatever, whenever. But if for whatever reason the OUTCOME of what i'm doing changes and it becomes an unknown, then it throws me off kilter so much. I don't like not knowing what to expect going into situations, and if i don't know what to expect, i'll avoid those situations most of the time.
...just in listing those potential traits off, you damn near described me to a T
I'm a 30 year old woman and I've been wondering for the last couple of years if I'm autistic, but I always end up saying "nah, I'm just an introvert, socially and emotionally stunted, awkward and shy as hell", but I could relate to TWELVE of all the characteristics you mentioned! Now I don't know if I should get tested, those kind of resources for adults are not easily accessible in my country.
@@user-is7xs1mr9y honestly, same. i've been thinking more and more that i'm some kind of neuro divergent, but at this point, i'm in my mid 30s and it almost feels like it's too late for me to get diagnosed (i don't know if that makes sense). but honestly,, it would explain SO MUCH
Absolutely. You have just described me and I finally got a diagnosis last week in my 50s. It's been a weird few days, realising I can and should forgive myself for being weird, and that there are reasons.
When my daughter was 2-3, I asked the doctor if my daughter could be autistic. The doctor said no, since she made eye contact and she smiled. She remains undiagnosed as a 30year old. I home schooled her in 7th and 8th grade and taught body language, metaphors,and vocabulary as root words, with prefixes and suffixes, among other things. She now works with autistic children
To be fair, unless they're completely nonverbal, doctors don't generally diagnose children under the age of six. Four if they're very clearly low-functioning. I had a host of things around age 7, and my psych said they wouldn't consider diagnosis of anything in their field at all until puberty because some diagnoses are helpful for children but then harmful once coping mechanisms are developed. Sorry, they're still undiagnosed some 30 years later, but hopefully they're happy.
@@OurHourglass You reminded me of our former pediatrician, because from the time my son was 2 or 3 he was trying to write him a prescription for ADHD medication. Ironically, his aggressiveness to medicate what hadn’t even been diagnosed set us back when my son was actually old enough to consider treatment... because were trying to get assessment and the doctor was such a know-it-all and just wanted to go straight to medication. I’m sure the doctor would roll his eyes and say he was right all along. But the idea of him trying to medicate a preschooler for ADHD. All little kids are squirrelly!
@@OurHourglass It may depend on where you live if that is true or not.
@@Catlily5 Absolutely. Just saying.
Anyone who isn't am autism specialist is not qualified to say whether children or adults are autistic or not. Even some specialists have an inferior understanding of autism. I was diagnosed at 51, first by myself, and then confirmed by an autism specialist. Several times I was grossly misdiagnosed before that.
Also remember all autistics are different. You can seek out loud music at a concert you like but get sensory overload in a coffee shop. It’s not ALL the sounds and lights, etc.
I really enjoyed this video. The transitions piece was spot on for me. I find I get into the most snafus with my partner during transitions when we are about to leave the house or coming home or getting somewhere. Getting ready for bed, waking up. Any type of transition, lol.
Absolutely I can’t stand sirens or strobe lights or the smell of insense I can hear the cry of a bat on a dark night from quite a distance or an aircraft sleep is a challenge tend to feel comfortable going to bed at 2am and get up midday next day. I can detect the flickers in a fluorescent light when it’s going to blow
It can also vary day to day. At times I've become overwhelmed near the point of crying in large grocery stores after being made to walk around in them too long with only one headphone, but if I can go to the grocery store following my specific procedure, I love it!
I am so high masking that I got a degree in counseling. I ran a shelter for battered women. I deeply care about the well-being of people. I am sure my empathy process is way different from that of NTs because it involves a lot of intellectual processing. COVID isolation led to a significant loss of my masking abilities, for which I am grateful. Thank you, Orion, for this excellent video. And if ever anyone wants to know copious amounts of information about the Watergate scandal in the US, I can help out.
I think we could get along. I also have a bottomless pit of information, not about watergate but about the kennedy assassination. (edit for spelling typo.)
@@monicaross4013 Kennedy is fascinating.
:-)
@@monicaross4013
Yes - same
I also have high empathy levels and work in victim support, so I understand your experience. Also, lockdown was the best time of my life! Not having to socialise with anyone except my husband and child was so freeing. I even started a masters degree!
As an autistic woman, I don't think I'm more motivated to be social, but rather that the EXPECTATION of social-ness is much higher for women, and the judgement for women being different is harsher. None of it for me comes from an internal desire to be social...rather, my "motivation" is externally driven, and is more fear-based.
Great video...thank you!
My mom gave me a book as a child called “Oops! The Manners Guide for Girls” i reopened it as an adult and it’s basically an instructional manner on how to mask to get by in neurotypical society. I felt so ashamed reading it and reminded of feeling “less than” or “broken” as a kid
I'm definitely ordering that 😂
there sure is a lot of social conditioning about how you're "supposed to be" as a female. "sugar, spice and everything nice" ? I'm grateful that at a young age I questioned these things. I thought we were being given, overall, a very boring version of what women we're supposed to be. My mother tried very hard to conform to all of that her whole life--she really suffered for it, I believe--and then she was given this rebellious, freak-of-nature daughter to deal with. I must have represented everything that she was trying to cover up and it's no wonder she had such underlying hostility towards me.
The worst thing is and I wish Orion knew how to add this. A lot of enforced neurotypical girl behaviours are about being as small and sellable by your family as possible. A great commenter on another thread mentioned how she is NT but making ND friends she is questioning if some of these behaviours are even "good"things.
It is just scripts for handling social situations. There are more scripts for women.
That's pure indoctrination 😓😓
Girls are usually more ridiculed and corrected for things like stimming, not smiling, being “rude,” and “annoying.” And you nailed it about being expected to be friendly and social. I didn’t know how to smile until I was about 9. When they told me to smile, I didn’t know what they were asking me to do. Hugs were smelly and suffocating, and I only wanted to talk about one or two subjects, but could present a dissertation on them (I was reading and potty trained at 1 1/2, maybe because my sister was doing these things). My grandma let me eat in another room at holidays because the chewing sounds were too much, and did her best to make me feel included. I was so lucky to have her! Most didn’t know about autism in the 80s & 90s! Girls are expected to be more easygoing, tactful…all kinds of things that don’t come naturally to me.
Honestly same, my family members get so mad when I don’t smile and they say stuff like “you would look so much prettier if you just smile!” so I force myself sometimes to smile and I HATE IT.
Daaamn. All of this! Every bit of it describes me, an autistic woman, and my childhood and young adulthood. When I was applying for my first job, age 18 I guess, one place I applied was an ice cream store. The man said he would not hire me because I didn't smile. People told me to smile when I was young, and it pissed me off. We're expected to be sexually pleasing to all neurotypical men.
Did you know in India girls are raped if they smile?
I am glad your grandma did this for you ! It’s great
I don't think it is O.K. to have a baby before the other child is at least 6-7 years old. There is not enough space to grow. Mom does not have a twin. Just like two children growing together in the womb. On the other hand, I had a coworker who went to school at seven. I went to school at tree. I was overeducated. I went to "Harvard" but in the Dominican Republic and she went to one of many private colleges where you can buy a college title. She had it so easy and I was severely high-strung. I suffered severe stress until I broke. I see mothers doing what your parents did to you and I think it is children abuse. Or well I have seen mothers having classes for children under two. How do you call those classes in English....?
Do you know Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz? Look here for "I, the worst of all." You'll like her.
I think social motivation is actually intensive feminine style bullying. Which is of the emotional and phycological kind that we were subjected to for years. YEARS! We had to figure it out to survive. At 45 I still struggle with my women friends. I make and lose them over and over because I don't "girl" properly.
Wow I never thought of it that way but I think you’re onto something here.
I also struggle with maintaining relationships with more typical women. I get along much better with fellow weirdos who are willing to overlook my odder tendencies.
Yes! All of this is so true and real 💞
Women talk about each others' minute social quirks & appearance & behaviors all the time so if you are slightly out of place there is more of that. It's a high scrutiny kind of social environment. That's the kindest way I can put it. It seems normal but even many neurotypical women struggle with the harshness & self-consciousness this generates.
"Neurotypical" women never fail to remind me of how much they hate socializing. They can't hide. Past a certain age, there really just isn't that much to say
I am 27 woman and I only recently started noticing that I might actually be autistic. I always felt like a misfit in my girl frind groups, the longest I sticked to a job was 9 months and it was agony. I used to live in Gaza and heavy bombing didn't startel me, yet the sound of dishes thrown in a sink in a cafe shakes me so bad. I believe I never was able to tell that I might be autistic because I had clinical depression, ptsd and severe anxiety thought all of my life. I am really glad that I finally got the opportunity to live in a place that allows me to heal and look into this subject after years of being left out and hated.
Glad you’re in a safe place now and able to heal!
#freepalestine 🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸🇵🇸❤️
Free Palestine 🇵🇸❤️❤️I hope you are doing better now
I’m glad you were able to escape how volatile Gaza is
i am so glad you are safe, i hope you find the answers you need. Free Palestine 🍉
At almost 68 years of age, I have finally gained access to a clinical psychologist about a lifetime of trauma and who, although she cannot give me an official diagnosis (because of Medicare constraints) is quite happy to let me know that her opinion is that I am significantly autistic. That's good enough for me! I have worn a mask for most of those many, many years. Your channel is really helping me to recognise and understand what I now know are my autistic traits and I am so much more relaxed and allowing for my differences.
Thank you.
I am a retired educator who spent decades "working really well with Autistic students." I designed my courses to be centered on students' interests, which allowed everyone to find their own way, and I taught Mythology, which is a special interest for many Autistic teens.
After retiring, I realized that I, too, am Autistic and high-masking.
I always thought of my teaching persona as a role I played, different from "me." I attributed that to the fact that I minored in Drama/Theater for the Young, but I now see that I employed my performance skills throughout my life to mask and TRY to fit in--and usually failing!
Be well, friend.
I am a retired nurse who is just now figuring out I am autistc not broken and weird. Researching some of the behaviors I observe in my granddaughter started me down this path in a serious way. I, too, used my unique skill set of creativity and thinking outside of the box in my career without any understanding of my “differentness.” I want her to know she is not either broken or weird and that being labeled different is not a moral judgement issue but a unique skill set that can positively impact mankind 💗
I am 72 and finally got a diagnosis two weeks ago. Is it ok to say that life has been a challenge?
@@gamineglass If it's been anything like mine - I'd say that it's perfectly OK!!!
Might I ask, what Medicare constraints? Because I'm taking steps toward getting a diagnosis myself, and I'd like to know if there are issues to watch out for.
I about cried watching this. The part of autistic women sometimes being even more social or seeking social situations and approval really hit for me. I’ve always wanted to be included and part of conversations, but found it hard to do so especially in groups. Which honestly made it even more devastating when I was unable to (due to overstimulation, coming off as awkward, weird, being ostracized, etc.)
The reason, I feel, women have “learned” to mask better is because we have to. Yes, it is the gender roles you spoke about. I always felt I was weird and different and was constantly making social blunders that my peers didn’t seem to have a problem with. Being an introvert on top of that, and being “expected” to be as outgoing as my sisters was awful. I’m still making social blunders, but being older, I don’t care anymore. 😂
Sharing the feels with you. Hugs. You're awesome the way you are ❤
It is even more heartbreaking for us to have the genuine desire to bond and interact with the society, and only recieve misunderstandings and rejections in return 😢
💔
I used to see a family doctor that absolutely refused to send me to get tested for autism. He told me "you just need to join more social groups". It wasn't until my dad (who had gone without me) talked to him about me that he agreed to refer me to a specialist to get a diagnosis. I've never forgiven that doctor and hate that he still practices
Those type of doctors deserve a broken leg and to be told "you just need to walk more" 😊 maybe then they'll finally understand the 💩 they're saying.
"join more social groups" LOL oh boy.... I think I tried that... 🤔😐😑sounds like "you just need to TRY a little HARDER" uh yeahhhh....now there's an idea ...
The most isolated you become the most you adhor human beings. I would recommend you read the Bible and other Holy stories during your retirement.
Yeah I was told that too, or that I'd grow out of my fear of socializing. Well I'm 35 now and still waiting for this "phase" to be over. Lol.
@loanicastillo3327: not helpful.
The word is 'abhor', and there's nothing wrong with misanthropy after decades of being mistreated by your "fellow man".
I would include over-compensating for difficulty in social situations; I know if I try to be “sociable” I am usually way too intense, and I don’t always notice that this is causing problems.
My beautiful autistic daughter is the same. It makes me love her even more.
Right or the aspie stare to make up for eye contact
@@LinguaLinguistics 😂😂😂 So right! “Yes, I can do eye contact!” (Holds for three times the normal amount of time…)
Nearly all diagnostic training and testing for all medical conditions and treatments have been developed around male patients and test subjects. Even anatomy books are almost entirely about male bodies, with the exception of female reproductive organs. But females are not males with different genitals. This is a great start to looking at how autism may present differently. Thanks.
I was "forced" into learning masking in school, the bullying was intense and isolating.
I spent close to 4 years hiding during lunch and recess, literally in a "cave" recessed under large stairs surrounded by shrubbery. I had a couple of neurodiverse friends who joined me there.
Finally getting assessed for autism in my 40s. But my CAT-Q, AQ-10, SQ-R, RAADS-R scores are so high it's feeling like I'm winning. 😅
I appreciate the "winning" feeling, thank you for that!!
(our version of a high five to you!)
Oh crap! Until I read your comment, I forgot that I used to hide in the bushes when I was a kid too. It was a way to get away from all the other people who didn’t understand me and didn’t seem to want to. I had _completely_ edited that out of my memories of childhood. Wow.
Hello, fellow bush person! ❤
Should we start a club called 'The Bush People' as I did very similar myself in school. I must say the urge to hide in the bushes in busy places can almost be overwhelmingly tempting even to this day and I'm sure the same will be true of the future from time to time.
Forced by student's or teachers? It was the teachers for me they sent the masking training into my home. I spent all of high school in a years long shutdown. I figured it out because as an adult I was a magnet for autistic men It still took ten more years before I managed to get diagnosed. Then I realized I'm nonbinary and the dysphoria was blending in with everything else hopefully thats the last suprise
I score so high in all these it's not funny
I'm not sure if I am autistic, probably not, but I do have many of the symptoms/characteristics so I enjoy watching these videos and learning more about autism since I can relate alot. The hardest thing I find for myself is having to cope with things in daily life that other people don't find difficult - things like going to work or shops. Having to try so hard to fit in and not get upset by things, its exhausting and you can't explain it to people because they just don't understand. I suffer alot with anxiety and find social interactions difficult, also I am very sensitive to lots of noise, crowds of people etc which leave me feeling very overwhelmed. For me being at work is very hard. I can only work part time and people always ask why I don't work more. Its too hard to explain to them how I find work so anxiety inducing and exhausting. I don't know how people can find support for these kind of issues (whether autism of not)? I just wish I was "normal" and could just enjoy going out to work and shops and social situations without it being so hard 😫
One big problem is that nobody knows what 'normal' really is. We are all our own version of whatever that represents...
I'm in the same boat as you. I think I might be autistic, but not sure as the version of me that exists now is very different to the person I recall being as a child. I think I've maybe learned to (try) not present as such for long enough that even I'm convinced by the lie?
But on the other hand being older means that it's possible to take full control and limit exposure to challenging situations. eg. force me to interact with multiple new people in new situations every day, or do presentations in front of them and I'd soon be reduced to a nervous wreck.
I think as high masking, high functioning women, we often question whether we are autistic or not. I do the same thing all the time, and I often have to remember my childhood and how I presented then. I am very good at self- regulating now and most of my symptoms are more internal, rather than visible to others. However, as a child I had to be trained how to socialize, needed speech and occupational therapy and underwent desensitization to my sensory issues Because I received that intervention, I think I was taught how to be more "normal" I no longer struggle with certain things I had as a kid, but I definitely relate to the list of indicators for women. I struggle with many of the same things like everyday tasks and being in public. I can read very complex philosophical texts but I still don't know how to drive a car in my 20's!.
I relate to everything you said & I just want to send you a big hug (if you want one) because I am exactly the same! I hope that you find help/support very soon ❤
Hi! Just reading your comment, I wanted to note that moreover being autistic, have you considered you could have avoidant personality disorder? A lot of the symptoms overlap with autism, and people having this personality disorder often suspect they're on the autism spectrum.
I'm on the same boat as you, no diagnosis but I relate to a lot of autism-related things and wondering if I'm on the spectrum. Atm I'm debating myself on whether or not seeing a professional 😅
I totally relate. Sounds like my experience exactly.
It makes sense that autistic women have a higher motivation for social connection; strong community is what keeps women safe
Some of the biggest barriers in diagnosis is actually the expense. It’s pretty difficult to have a steady income with the impairments that come with the gifts of asd. Unless you come from wealth, it’s near impossible to afford the diagnosis when you’re literally struggling through adulting without enough, if any support.
Thanks Orion. I am a 67 yr old mother of 8 and have been a Psychologist for 45 yrs. Just diagnosed with ASD after 7 of my adult children were diagnosed with ADHD (as does my husband) and 5 of them with co morbid ASD. All high functioning, very creative members of society and no anti social behaviour. Our sensory issues are interesting. We even have synesthesia and aphantasia amongst them. Lots of musical talents including playing instruments.
I have very high level skills in empathy, interpreting emotions, counselling, management but absolutely remember being very withdrawn as a child (lived in books). Interesting. Thanks for your RUclips channel. It’s great. I refer my clients to it all the time.
That's quite interesting. As a high functioning autistic who was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2008 at age 37, I'm nearly polar opposite when it comes to aphantasia. If anything, I tend to have an over-active imagination. That said, I also tend to be a very creative person. I too can empathize. However, I don't always show it. The funny thing is that I was not withdrawn as a child. I sought friends and enjoyed playing with others. That said, if left to my own devices, I was rarely bored even when alone. Thanks for sharing.
Just so you know, no judgment here, but we don't use functioning labels in the autistic community. They are extremely problematic, as those labeled high function are denied access to the support they need and let's be honest, does anyone want to be labeled as low functioning? Although, it does get them the support they need. We use terms like lower support needs and higher support needs. Also, at any given time we can move up and down the spectrum of support needs. Support needs are the same reason that Aspergers was removed also.
@@DavidLazarus I just commented to Kerry above, but I wanted you to see the comment also. Functioning labels are no longer used as those labeled with high functioning are then denied the support that they need.
@@RiverWoods111 - Yeah, been there and done that. I've been denied Social Security Disability four times including twice by two different judges.
@@RiverWoods111 to be fair, some people in this do use those labels, and I’m ok with them, I find them more useful in conversation at times, but I also work in mental health and work at destigmatising many terms there as well.
It’s good to be aware some aren’t ok with it, but many Ive met and worked with don’t mind at all.
They do open doors to more nuanced convos and more unique understanding as we unpack what function as a human being doing life actually is, but they are also useful in capturing where things don’t work, I prefer to refer to function than being faulty lol no we aren’t machines but we aren’t just our behaviour either.
That motivation doesn't necessarily come from us but rather the expectations put upon us- the motivation comes from not wanting to get told off by our parents and teachers and made fun of by anyone else our peers etc, our motivation is to minimise the negative responses we get in life and we problem solve that very effectively
This is very good video! Stimming and repetitive behaviours are often punished as a child, which means they won’t do them in public. Blaming difficulties on shyness is so true, it’s actually sad if you think about it, instead of helping a child you just brush it of on being shy, and tell them when they grow up it will get better, but it doesn’t…
Autism becomes more obvious when you’re suppose to be an adult (reach a certain age with expectations attached to it) and your parents realise you can’t do that and nobody has a clue to why that is. It’s very depressing and hard on your mental health.
I hope with all my heart that future autistic children will get a diagnosis, and therefore their accommodations, early on in life and learn how to deal with things right from the beginning so they can grow up to be strong and healthy human beings.
I wish nobody a life with undiagnosed autism and all the stress and anxiety that goes with it, not knowing why you’re so weird or “different”. People around you are always so frustrated with you just because you can’t live up to their and society’s expectations, feeling like nobody loves you and you’re just a burden on everyone. It’s not a pretty life.
I was diagnosed after I had a daughter on the spectrum. After a lifetime of developing brilliant masking skills because everyone dismissed my anxiety, fear, and inability to learn in a conventional way, it’s such a gift to finally have women on the spectrum’s unique circumstances validated. Thank you and God bless!
I (31F) was diagnosed with autism last year, and before that time I've had several people tell me all sorts of things as to why I acted and reacted the way I did. I've been called over-sensitive (because my sensory overload tends to express itself as crying), weird (because I didn't fit in with my peers), and even lazy at times. Last year I was doing an internship somewhere, and my female boss at one time said "I believe you're autistic because I recognize the signs" (at that place there are several others with autism), the first time she said that I denied it, because I was scared it would change the way people would react to me. But then I started to think, and talked with my parents about it, and decided to get the diagnosis. The moment they told me I'm autistic, was one of the happiest days in a very long time. So many things finally started making sense, and now I wish I'd done it years ago. I'm still trying to figure some things out, but I have a lot of lovely people supporting me in this.
I just wanted to thank you for all these videos you're making, so many of them make me understand myself even better. I even finally figured out my sexuality after watching your video about sexuality & autism.
So thank you again, and keep up the good work.
Oh yes! Over sensitive!
Being “passing” would you disclose that while applying for a new job? Click prefer not to answer? I’ve been wanting to get diagnosed but two of my passing acquaintances don’t recommend that over self diagnosed bc of personal bias of doctors about what autism actually is.
If I were to self diagnose, I’m stuck on whether or not I would disclose that… if you have any advice. It’s already been hard finding a new job these days
WHAT?! THERE'S A VIDEO ABOUT AUTISM AND SEXUALITY?!? I am SO there. TY for saying something about it, i haven't started digging through Orion's video log yet
God called us to chastity.
Same 29 just got diagnosed today hyper sensitive was a common insult.
I just got my late autism diagnosis on the 22nd of may 2024. Just 8 days ago. I'm 43 years old. I'm forever grateful for autistic youtubers like you. It means the world to me. Thank you. 🏆❤
I had intensive social training from my parents for years on eye contact and “manners” aka how to conduct small talk. My ADHD specialist said that there was no way that I could be autistic because I was capable of making eye contact and I made a joke once. Years later I was properly diagnosed with ASD by a very well regarded and highly respected autism specialist. I have to run through a script in my head when talking to others, still struggle with eye contact, and have to frequently double check to make sure that I said please, thank you etc. I’ve been mocked by bosses for not understanding sarcasm and simply trying to do whatever ridiculous task that they were joking about. I want and like to connect with people but it is very tiring and I need a lot of recovery time.
Thank you for this!! I'm always in my head trying to come up with conversation and I beat up myself for interrupting but I'm actually trying to script as I'm talking.
I'm an undiagnosed Female. My mum tried to have me diagnosed as a child but it was dismissed. I've also been dismissed now as an adult by mental health professionals who said I'm too "social" to have autism.
This video has resonated with me very much and validated my feelings that I know myself better than anybody else does.
It’s super important for women and girls to be assessed by a professional who has an understanding of females on the spectrum. We’re highly likely to be misdiagnosed.
Any suggestions for places in US on east coast?
@@t.terrell7037I’m from Australia x
Asperger here, but yeah all that he said about high masking, high functioning, and other people giving us "social training" is 100% on point! Keep up the good work man!
When I was going into 7th grade, I remember shopping for my school clothes and selecting clothing I thought would make me fit in, rather than the style I found more comfortable. It was so uncomfortable, AND everyone still thought I was weird. I rather wear what I am comfortable in, since people who think I am weird are going to think that no matter what I am wearing.
I’ve tended to dress for comfort rather than fashion and use makeup later in life when it became mineralised
Yes, things that will make me seem like others. Not my own style. I feel this.
It took my son's very "classic" autism presentation for me and my extended family members to see that we're autistic too. That and the help of videos much like this one! Thanks for sharing, Orion!
Thanks Whitney.
I joked with my cousin that I could not get a professional diagnosis, but I got a family one. I was telling a short story about how my sister totally flipped out telling some ladies: "She's Autistic!!" BTW, my kids were diagnosed over ten years ago, I didn't realize until a year or so ago. I knew I was different, odd, whatever, but I am just like my kids. I am more comfortable now.
Happened with my husband. He was at the iep meeting for our son, arguing that he did not agree with their assessment, there was nothing wrong with his son he filled out the screening questions and our son was just like him and there was nothing wrong with him, he'd fill out those questions the same way. And we were all quiet for a minute.
I’d like to say, THANK YOU for not having a music overlay! I can concentrate so much better without the competing music.
Scripts, accents, regional dialects, yep. Understanding that I upset people and having no idea why. Executive functions. Good Job Orion. This totally resonates. I'm glad that Australia has been talking more about what actually can help autistic people. I live in America.
Thanks
I’m pretty sure I am autistic, specifically an AuDHD (ADHD and Autistic). I’ve told my parents about it for about a year now, presenting evidence from my childhood, former diagnosis, and just lots of research over months long. I am also VERY sure I got Autism from my Dad, and ADHD from my Mum.
Finally got to a point where my Dad and I can watch TV together and talk about autistic-coded characters. I think he is coming around to the idea he could be autistic, especially since it is obvious my Mum is ADHD and she is not at all autistic, has zero traits.
Meanwhile he and I go on hikes and get excited about sticks and birds.
Neat...I'm 70 ..almost...and just figured out that I'm autistic as well as was my dad. I think if we had known back in the day...that life would have been better for our family...it explains so much. I'm thankful you are having that time with your dad...it is a blessing. Enjoy : )
THANK YOU. It seems odd to hear a man talk about what it is like to be an artistic woman, but NO ONE IS LISTENING TO US! Hopefully people will listen to YOU. My whole life would have been different if I'd have been able to get a diagnosis as a kid...
This video resonates with me. These are my traits: Low social drive, difficulty switching between activities, hypersensitivity to sensory input (light, sounds, textures), difficulty filtering out background noises, sensory stimming behaviours, preference for routine and predictability, extreme difficulty with unexpected changes or transitions, difficulty with executive functioning skills (time management, planning, organisation, and prioritisation). Paradoxically, I am hypersensitive to facial expressions and micro-expressions and tones of voice. It's very tiring being an autistic (single, now) mother of a very noisy teenage boy who is a CONSTANT talker. Can anyone relate?
Not a mother, but a teen, i feel almost all of what you said and completely agree.
@@kaic3532 I've found that being in nature helps, as does music and making art.
Can relate except I’m not a parent
I can. Here. I have a 12 year old communicator and she knows I need my space to decompress at times when I've had a crazy day. Dark room. Only noise is ADHD relief music or ocean and rain sounds.the fan blowing. It grounds me. I feel guilty for that I'm very fortunate for my job. I hope you know you rock!
I figured out when I was 16 that if I played up my feminine features in my manner of dress, always having my hair styled, using makeup etc doors would open for me.
This is my mom! She always emphasized looking good so people would like me or take me seriously. It all makes sense now 😅 I do this too!
6/17/2024
Hi I'm Elizabeth 48 years old and
I love being alone because no
One understands my feelings,
People and family are to judgemental and I can't deal with injustice acts...
I can't stand loud noises or people
Arguing..
I'm so grateful because being
A spiritual person helps me struggle less...🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
Houston Texas 🙌
Well said, thank you. That’s me, I grew up undiagnosed have suffered much with Co morbid issues. My health now in tatters. Finally diagnosed at 56! Had to fight all the way to get that diagnoses, it took 2 years to get an assessment, in the end I was ‘lucky’ and got an NHS diagnoses by an clinical phycologist who really understood Autism in females. While it has really helped understanding that I’m Autistic and it explains so much. It has not resulted in much support. Apparently I must be doing ‘really good’ because lived this long! And I don’t look Autistic, even though I was diagnosed, basically ‘you’ve coped so far, (I hide my difficulties so well) so why do you need help? . Help is apparently only for the young.
This is my story too, I was diagnosed at 51 privately as my local NHS wait time is 4 years and counting, thankfully the psychologist specialised in autism and also was very understanding of the different presentation in women. However Ive also paid the price with my physical and mental health ( it’s why I couldn’t wait 4 years as I was on the brink of total breakdown) I have also had the whole why bother as you have made it this far without a diagnosis, people don’t get that diagnosis even when there is next to no support afterwards completely reframes your entire life ,m for me it’s the difference between thinking I was broken and crazy and understanding I am just different and different is ok and there are other equally different people just like me out there
I spoke to my GP last year about the good chance I was autistic she said that she didn't think I was autistic but had autistic traits due to my anxiety 🙄 I'm 52. Even after battling for a referral it will take years to get a diagnosis
@@Greencava11 sadly this shows a lack of understanding by GPs of autism especially in women , I literally went armed with my AQ50 score (48) and a 10 page document detailing examples throughout my life which pointed to me being autistic, that got me a referral but waiting lists in the UK are just horrific and I have heard of places where they refuse to refer anyone who is an adult for assessment for any ND condition. It’s like because we aren’t kids we don’t matter, but we deserve to enjoy life not just try and survive it too !
@@cazridley5822 yep I have to go back with examples.for a referral (I've had an informal one from a friend who is a professional assessor) but I'm finding it exhausting alongside the time line to see anyone. Apparently for those of us who may be but don't know (but know we are ) it's like climbing through treacle and even if we get the diagnosis there isn't any support so we just continue to manage. My mental health is poor but non o f normal stuff people are shoved towards work well not for me ((CBT talking therapies for example} will things get any better .... doubtful hence why a lot of us end up seeking support online
@@Greencava11 I so understand your experience, I was fortunate that I had savings I could use for diagnosis but they didn’t stretch to support there is pretty much zilch support available on the NHS once you are diagnosed. I have been offered medication for the anxiety which I am taking and it’s helping a bit but that is where it ends as I was told the self referral “ talking therapy “ in my area would reject me as they aren’t geared up for autistic people. It’s pretty much a case of yes you are autistic now just carry on as you were, because you’ve survived for 50 odd years so why do you need help now. I don’t know if this is just a UK thing or if it’s universal…I wish you luck with getting your referral and assessment, it is very much worth it as it helps make sense of your life and view yourself a bit more kindly ( I just thought I was a freak and a failure ), I guess I was just hoping there was some kind of how to navigate life once you know help available but in Sussex there isn’t.
Hi , everything you've explained makes so much sense to me , I've always struggled with social interactions but I'm very good at masking while I'm at work , I've had addiction issues and self harmed trying to fit it in social settings to the point I'd drink so much before going anywhere I've been unable to stay , I find it differcult to even sit and have coffee with friends the anxiety will start days before mulling it over in my head , I'm now 51 yrs old not diagnosed but I've made an appointment with my doctor for today . Plus I get overwhelmed with being in public places with lots of people I just want to escape .
Yes i understand 100% where u are coming from! I spiraled into addiction myself on and off for years! I am done with it finally! I have also been running away from my greater power which is something I'm trying to figure out without sounding Woo Woo! LOL. There is a higher power and Jesus is not messing around. If u are a human being he wants to save u. JUST saying
I don't have a diagnosis, but I consider myself a high functioning, high masking woman. I remember being miserable in middle school and high school because I had really intense interests that nobody shared in. I really enjoy social interaction if it is with the right people, and the topic of conversation is interesting. That was not the case for many years of my adolescence, and I was considered a loner who read books all the time. As a kid, I was very happy and more sociable, but when everything got complicated in middle school, I just fell out of sync with it all.I remember loving college because I finally bonded with people and made friends who share my interests. I think that as neurodivergent women ( and men too), we have to be much more patient when it comes to finding satisfying social relationships.
What you describe here are characteristics of high IQ people in general. I was miserable in school always and always socially very uncomfortable, but I really don't have the other symptoms of autism. I always got good grades and was able to achieve in most subjects. When my son was born and he also had very difficult social issues but was clearly very bright, I entered a university grad school program and earned a Masters Degree specializing in the Education of the Gifted and Talented. I learned that very high IQ individuals and those with intellectual personalities have often find shallow conversation , small talk etc. boring or uncomfortable. They have unique social and emotional challenges, but are not actually autistic unless other symptoms are present.
It's also very important to note that this profile of Autism occurs in both males and females. I am a cis man and I am a very high masking individual with Autism. All of these traits apply to me. I understand how many women who struggle with this may want to blame toxic masculinity for their struggles, but please also know that toxic traits are not limited to men. For me personally, my defensive, narcissistic mother forced me to start masking because of how she treated me. And yet, I dont blame "toxic femininity", I blame toxic people. I feel for everyone who has suffered as a high masking autisitic individual. Stay safe, everyone. 💕
Very brave of you to do this. You covered this in a way that was not offensive whatsoever.
Running away from the playground yelling I hate this school everyday in primary school… I knew as a toddler I was an alien. I’m definitely autistic but I’m so deeply masked.
You reminded me of my playground experience in early grade school.The teacher had the class playing some game together.I would run around by myself somewhere by myself flying a kite, only I didn't actually have a kite.I was just imagining that I did.
your comment reminded of a old memory of when I was in preschool, it was an early morning and my mom was dragging me towards my class while my teacher was there trying to convince me to go and I kept crying and yelling I didn’t wanna go and I hated school :(
Alien! Yeah, that's how I described myself growing up & now even. Always this sense I was constantly looking in from the outside, thinking people had a " something" a knowledge or instinct, to know how to do social interacting not just for a fews hours bit all the time! That which I must've been born without.
I am often accused of being sharp or rude but I just think I'm being exact or precise. It seems that neurotypicals can't handle exactness or precision.
And maybe it seems that you can't handle generalizations as well?
@@Laylathelayla811autistic people don’t need 1000 words to get a point across. Being terse does not mean being rude. The problem here is with neurotypicals perception
I was raised in the South and Polite is a science down here.
When you are speaking for the purpose of getting a thought out of your head, you can say it however you like.
When you are speaking for the purpose of getting a thought into someone else's head, you have to do it in a way that they can hear.
That's what Polite is for.
@@MelissaThompson432 Beautifully said 🙌🌸
@@live4salsa 💙
Thanks for mentioning the hate of transitions! I wasn't aware of this one as an autistic trait, although recently it slowly dawned on me that I do hate them, too. It came to me after I tried to figure out why I avoid showering - it's because it involves transitions (TWO of them, from dry to wet and then again from wet to dry). Seems ridiculous maybe, but being dry, warm and wearing clothes is SO comfortable that every morning I hate to leave that state. But standing under a warm stream massaging the skin is also awesome, I don't want to get out and freeze until I carefuly dry myself. It's like the good sides of the state I'm not currently in are totally overshadowed by the good sides of the state I am in, so I have to force myself to transition each time. Transitions are unpleasant. Any tricks to make oneself remember more vividly how good the other state can feel, just to have motivation to do the transition?
Excellent question 🤔
Exactly the same here! Showering is such a challenge. 😢
Wow I actually never thought about the showering thing as an autistic trait but I do the same thing.
I feel that way, too.
I say as a joke that I hate transitions so badly that I postponed being born by over 2 weeks. But then they dragged me out using a special tool.
To enter the shower is hard for me too.
Thanks for this video. I am a high masking autistic woman and you just perfectly described me.
I have spent my whole life (66) years studying and scrutinising facial expressions. I would go as far as to say that l am obsessed with reading micro mimic. This gives me a great advantage in social situations. I work in a social environment, but have no great desire to 'socialise', outside my place of work. I am female, with a very late diagnosis.
For sure, I’m 66 yrs old now and diagnosed late. Mainly because my son was diagnosed late also. I have another son ,also autistic. All my life people have called me weird and different to most other people, I could read really well when I was 4 without really being taught (hyperlexia) . I’ve always closely observed people’s behaviour in fascination at how different people are and constantly changed myself depending on the company I was with, though as a young child, I had little interest in socialising as I was completely content making things and couldn’t really relate to other children. I have spent my life masking and because I can cope quite well socially no one would have any idea of how hard it has been constantly coming up with strategies and explanations for my different behaviour. I honestly think I mastered it, though now, I’m exhausted with it. Burnt out and just can’t keep it up. I’ve now told people that I’m Aspergers or at a high functioning end of the autism spectrum. To my surprise, no one seems surprised, which has come as a huge relief and finally I can try and be true to myself and have some sort of identity. As a kid I used to tell people I wasn’t actually from this planet, waiting for my real parents. Apart fro the bullying my sons had to endure, it was probably an advantage for them that I have always related well to them, totally understanding their intense approach to what they found interesting and fostered it. They’ve grown up to be quite successful, different, one does really struggle socially at times if he’s overwhelmed and prefers to be alone a lot, as I do, but the masking is something I just can’t keep doing anymore. Always had eating disorders, depression and extreme anxiety.
I just almost refuse to mask anymore (in my 60s now) and that comes across as defiant, aggressive, and uncooperative, all the things I struggled not to be all my life. So tired I don't care anymore.
@allieeverett9017 totally agree. I've explained it to my friends so they can understand how tired I've become of it all. Thankfully, they tell me it's ok, they'd prefer me to stop masking around them so they know who I really am.
I’m on the emotionally intense and gifted side of the spectrum. I was never diagnosed because even as a child I knew when the people around me were emotionally overwhelmed and I lived in a house with an abusive narcissistic sibling and emotionally immature mom. I was terrified of burdening them so I masked and tried to be what they needed me to be, an easy child. But masking was also what made me uncomfortable to be around. The “nice” personalities tolerated me but kept me on the outside and the toxic personalities manipulated and abused me. I still never fit in with any group, even trying to mask and I desperately wanted to connect with people.
Add to the social issues I struggled with and the complex ptsd I was developing from an abusive home and you’ve got an emotionally gifted but trauma split and structurally dissociated autistic person visiting her first mental hospital by 27 being diagnosed borderline personality disorder (🙄, 10 years later i was diagnosed correctly with complex ptsd). I’ve still never been diagnosed autistic but my 13 year old son was diagnosed by the time he turned 5. As a neurodivergent mom, I make it very clear to him that there’s nothing wrong with him. His brain is special and he’s just able to use more of it than neurotypical people.
I was just recently diagnosed with autism after speculating I had something else with my depression, anxiety, and ADHD and after a professor I worked with told me to get tested for it. This video resonated with me so much and I was able to relate to a lot of what you said. I find myself masking all the time as my boyfriend is a very socialable person and has a lot of friends. Ironically enough, my friends are all neurodivergent and I really enjoy their company more so than my boyfriends friends. I was bullied a lot by my peers when I was in elementary school all the way through high school because I couldn't understand social cues. I just wish I was diagnosed sooner so I could have learned that it was okay to be different.
it's like putting on a mask that you decorated for yourself by learning about others.
I am a 63 year old woman, who was just diagnosed as having autism last week. I'm sure my parents would have appreciated knowing that I was autistic when I was little. For me, at my age, the diagnosis just provides me with the answers as to why I've always been "different" with my peculiarities and quirks. I am thankful for what I have learned through your videos, and Olivia Hops videos as well. I know that are more out there who are sharing, but you two have helped me out a lot.
Yeah I had a bit of a meltdown at work the other day and I dont think this girl I work with will talk to me again. Really hard to work extra shifts and keep the mask up! I need a people break so bad right now...
This resonates with me incredibly deeply and I think touches on how I’ve always felt like an alien, but then I learned to embrace some weirdness but also how to blend in
Been suspecting autism for a while now, and this guy literally said “rocking” right after I started rocking lmao
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 51, in the 1970’s and 80’s when I was growing up they barely looked for signs of autism in boys never mind in girls. I had to go down the private route as the wait time in my county in the UK on the NHS is 4 years and increasing, thankfully my psychologist specialised in autism and was aware of the different presentation in women. I would agree on the bullying and eating disorders I have experienced both , my ASD diagnosis also lead to my hEDS diagnosis after being wrongly diagnosed with arthritis..hEDS being a common co morbidity in people with autism. It is worth the fight for diagnosis as it completely reframed my life and how I think about myself
what is hEDS, please?
@@anjareefschlager8317 I have Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which is more common in people with autism and often gets misdiagnosed as something else
Hello, Fellow Bendy! I just commented about the link between EDS and Autism too.
Good to see you.
I hope you're okay.
❤🙂
@@SKOLAH Hi Bendy Buddy ! I think there are quite a few of us out here even though they haven’t proved the link yet , and likely lots who have been misdiagnosed as so little is known about hEDS. I am doing ok thanks clicking, bending and hurting which is my normal , hope you are doing ok having both isn’t for the faint hearted for sure !
I've always felt misunderstood and alone. Sometimes I try to fight it, Sometimes I enjoy it. It's like shutting down and zoning out help to center myself? But, when I speak,people don't want to understand.
Thank you for putting this out there, it's so hard to put it in words. Especially when people don't believe you. You have been describing my whole entire life. So I'm grateful for all your videos. Thank you so much❤
I appreciate this video and all the comments from people who have these experiences. It's a relief in many ways for me to have both because it highlights so much of my “un utterable” life experiences in this world.
All very familiar, I’m 44 now and getting tired of masking. I live my looking forward to the end of social situations (parties, school plays, family gatherings) and worrying about the next. I can never look forward to anything, other than the end of it. Not a great mind set, but I’m hoping I can last until the kids are independent.
I'm a 35 year old autistic woman and my first girlfriend at 17 told me something that tons of pretty girls around my age had also told me. She said because I was pretty, didn't talk much, and seemed irritated and withdrawn around people she assumed I was "stuck up". She had no idea I was socially awkward until she got to know me better. I think it's about time society faces it's lookism problem when it comes to diagnosing pretty young women and girls.
It’s especially confusing when all the bullying and being told you’re weird or annoying has left you with no clue whatsoever that you might actually be pretty.
Being a high functioning autistic woman myself, it was good to see someone making these things clear. We can cope for a while pretty well once enough years of experience go by, but wow is it draining! And in early life, you take a lot of emotional hits to gain that skill. I'm always proud of myself when I can make a sarcastic joke and have normies laugh though.
I was unconsciously masking and was really good at it as I got older but the pandemic has made me pretty much stop and it was only then I realised. I don't think I masked as a child though, I used to break down screaming before I would say hello to strangers. Don't know why it didn't occur to anyone that I might be autistic..
Yeah, I was making leaps and strides in social progress between, say, 2017 and early 2020. Then, that came to a halt once the pandemic hit. Now, I'm overly cautious about COVID even though I have had the two initial shots and three boosters. I'm trying to break that a bit by going to less populated places, such as a local coffee shop, without masking. However, I still wear a mask when buying groceries and generally use self-checkout.
Thanks for sharing!
@David Lazarus I still live like a hermit as my work allowed me to keep working from home, at first I felt like everyone else was breathing too much and wanted them to go away but I'm not really paranoid about it anymore. I still don't really socialise though because I rarely feel any desire to and I always ruin every conversation I have by saying something weird.
@@___FS___ - Well, you don't have to worry about that with me because I'm weird too. So, chat away if you want. 😊
The day I learned about scripting was life changing. Because I’m an anxious AuDHDer it’s difficult to navigate what’s what sometimes and I’ve often experienced “imposter syndrome,” especially with autism, /especially/ because I’ve always been high-masking. But learning about scripting put a lot of pieces together and finally gave me the confidence/validation in that side of myself.
(Also, the amount of AuDHDers coming out and talking of their experiences helps a ton, too!) Thanks for going through all the barriers and trait examples!
Is it just me or does anyone else think these comments below are, across the board, the most articulate and thought provoking set we've ever had the good fortune to read?❤
We should form some kind of group or club maybe, since that is what many of us are looking for???
Thankyou Orion for being a voice on my behalf, I had to insist in order for me to be taken seriously as a female person to get a diagnosis for my autism because I have suspected for many years that I have autism, that I am not neurotypical, I think that we need things for autistics by autistics, because I agree with you, it is exhausting just being autistic and none of us are a stereotype, yes we are on a spectrum, but our spectrum is a Kaleidoscope full of different shapes and colours and I will say it again, Thankyou for being a voice on my behalf ❤XXX ❤
I am a 39 year old male and received my diagnosis about 4 months ago from my ADHD therapy (been diagnosed with ADHD since June). The ASD diagnosis was a complete suprise for me. I identified with nearly everything here and elsewhere for the "female presentation" of Autistm. I know that having these set of traits together with a specific gender have probably helped more women get diagnosed than otherwise probably would have, and that is awesome! For me, the name "Female Presentation" has been a hinderance in my diagnosis and acceptance and feeling that I belong within the community...I still feel like an outsider...but at least I understand myself better...
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 14 but my life didn't get any easier on medication. I have never been able to maintain friendships and end up just copying the way my peers dress and copy their interests and even how they speak. Years later I had a son and he has been diagnosed with ASD. It is now that I'm convinced I have ASD and was misdiagnosed. I can't stand the sound of multiple people talking and I hate small talk. I sometimes experience meltdowns which get worse when I'm under stress and I can't control them. I've finally accepted and realised this and am trying to stop masking. I openly stim now if I have to and no longer feel like my body is full of pressure and rage. And I no longer pressure myself to be social there's nothing wrong with the company of only my family as maintaining my friendships makes me feel a constant pressure. Not to mention forcing myself to give people I don't know well eye contact is so uncomfortable for me that I sweat. It's unbelievable that I suffered in silence and was bullied all through high school and felt like I had no identity because my psychiatrist and school counsellor never even saw the signs. I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm autistic I just know after learning all about it from my sons experience.
I was put in karate lessons as a little girl to force me to learn eye contact. It felt like trying to stare into the sun then and still does 30 years later. Figuring out I'm autistic was a shock because I always thought I "passed as normal" but then I discovered that masking is literally just trying to pass as normal and while I can do it well for brief interactions (i.e. with clients at work) once somebody knows me for a while, the weirdness becomes unavoidable. I think a lot of people "knew" I was autistic before I did!
I, a woman in her early 50s, tick so many boxes on this. I'm currently undergoing the diagnostic process, but I feel like such an imposter. Because I still have the stereotypical white boy on my mind. And I may have been so high-masking that I lost touch with who I am, how I perceive things, and how I react. On top of that, I've lived an extremely isolated life due to severe chronic illness for nearly 2 decades now, so answering the diagnostic questions is so hard. I don't even remember how it is to be social and I can't even test it. So, eye contact? Do I do that. Beats me. Etc.
Yes, talk about isolation... on the autism tests they'll ask you about how your friends & family react to you and that is simply irrelevant for an isolated person. What friends & family?? Lol
i don't know if this will help you, but diagnosis are only a form of categorizing symptoms so they know how to treat you and how to bill you too. what matters is your subjective experience and what ends up working best for your mental health in the end, with a diagnosis or not. what im trying to say is that your suffering is valid with this condition or not
I try to think about this because I have a lot of overlapping issues that a woman on the spectrum have but have no idea if I would qualify for a diagnosis, especially considering you need family members to corroborate and I don't have a great relationship with my parents, so I try to just validate my own experiences without a formal diagnosis
On this topic, how do you feel about sitting at a bar and having a drink or a meal? It’s been a difficult thing for me bc so many people seem to be able to. I just can’t go sit at a restaurant by myself even though I’m kind of a social recluse.
@@jacquelynallen488 My mind's immediate reaction: going to a restaurant by yourself is considered weird by society. -> Cue anxiousness. I've never tried going to a bar. I'm terrible at starting conversations and tend to jump into ones of others, if I feel like I can contribute knowledge - which obviously means I've been listening to them, which is also not really socially acceptable.
Thank you for this video. I have been previously diagnosed with depression and anxiety whereas I'm actually autistic. Diagnosed when I was around 40. I am currently an art student at college here in England and doing my final project about autism. I have just done a research page about autism and menopause which no one talks about and I'm really struggling with menopause myself and hate atm.
Hear you loud and clear ❤
Wow, you're really an inspiration. Fantastic topic because right? Never even heard autism and menopause in the same sentence. Sitting here at 50 trying desperately to better understand both because boy are they hitting hard. Thanks so much for sharing. I appreciate it. ❤😊
Isn't depression common to every artist? Get a natal chart with an astrologer.
@@laurasummers115it makes it much tougher as it makes your autism anc adhd symptoms worse
Thank you so much for this video! I work with a woman at school who is autistic and this has enlighted me so much and have started to understand why she does certain things and certain way... such an eye opener! Keep up the good work 👏 thanks again 😊
I wish they would give more stims then the stereotypical ones. Just because I don't hand flap, rock, or spin, doesn't mean I don't stimm. Humming, jingling my keys or a chain. If I have a necklace, I fiddle with it. I also tap my thumb and middle finger together 3x in a row. Just 3x to focus or remember something. I may do it again later the next minute or an hour from now, but I only do 3x because many repetitive movements bother the general public. Pen/pencil clicking or tapping. Doodling while listening, if the pencil is wooden, chewing on it. Fiddling with your hair, a piece of clothing, or if you carry one, your purse strap. If I am walking with a bottled drink, I lightly toss it up in the air with one flip and catch it while I walk. It looks nifty, so no one is bothered by it. Foot tapping and leg kicking gently back and forth while in a chair. All these are stims.
Yep!
We just do the different actions, mostly same effects for us, but more comfy for others.
@@AlexShiro I wonder if that is partly due to us being conditioned not to bother/upset people from a young age. 🤔
@@maggieavilla1336 I would say it is; fair call.
And what a mess it makes…
Thank you for sharing this... I catch myself saying "ok ok ok" when starting a new task or hum the same short tune that I have no idea where it came from. These are also stims?
@@SuziQ3 I’m a chronic hummer :)
I do it alone but noticed a bit more when people are around as a soothing exercise and it also means I don’t have to talk to them lol 😆
I think the link between autism in females and eating disorders is interesting and not commonly known. After watching a bbc documentary recently (Christine McGuinness ‘Unmasking: My Autism’) it was really interesting to hear from London University professors highlighting the link/likelihood of sexual assaults against autistic woman. Shocking but yet such an eye opener for any female with autism like myself. Worth a watch!
My neck is hyposensitive and I developed tremors with social anxiety. You're right we suffer more in silence.
When my daughter was 12, (she is now 29) I asked her psychiatrist if she could be autistic, and he said it was not possible. After many years of incorrect diagnosis, she was tested by a psychologist and received her diagnosis.
I was diagnosed at age 59. Always hearing people say I cannot be bec I make eye contact. I do not hate people but I love being alone as much as possible.
It's videos like these that I wish my dad would watch to learn and understand autism. He asks me what can he do to help because I'm currently questioning if I am autistic, and from all the research I've done I am almost certain I am, but he doesn't actually take the time to actually learn our struggles and hardships in daily life. I am 15yrs old and a high masking individual and I wish it was just easier to get the help needed for a diagnosis and I'm scared I'll get diagnosed late in life, I just hope I get a diagnosis before the time comes when I get to go to uni. I am finally getting reffered to a pshycologist but not for asd, for anxiety. But I hope eventually I'll get some sort of diagnosis or help for whatever is going on in my brain.
I think I ended up being very lucky that my class in school was actually pretty good about (usually) not bullying. For example, many of the special needs kids in my high school class were actually somewhat popular, and the class *encouraged* them in their journey through high school and applauded them when they successfully graduated. And although there definitely were groups/cliques, the class was still generally accepting of things such as the sports star also hanging out with the D&D club kid from time to time or whatnot. Things like that probably made my middle school and high school experience MUCH better for me, despite my difficulties and autism
Okay I just got to the part where you summed up & you and said you have 30 seconds to answer you clicked your imaginary stopwatch and you said tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock. How amazing would it be, in a perfect, artistic world, everyone on the panel could’ve responded with a “well first of all you could give us more than 30 seconds to answer.”
I am so grateful for your courage and desire to help others. I’m more determined than ever to fight for a diagnosis. California isn’t quite there yet in helping or possibly even wanting to help adult women get help with this.
Thanks again Orion you did a very good thing and I’m so sorry for the cost it was for you.
Thank you for talking about this. It took me almost 40 years to identify why I struggle with the things I do and honestly I'm having a heck of a time clawing my way out of utter burnout before I lose everything I've worked my whole life for. There's such a lack of resources for adult AFAB autistics in my part of the world.
Orion, You are a light to understanding the Autistic. Thankyou for All You are doing to smarten up Neurotypicals and prepare the medical communties to stop looking at "disability" and start seeing the "ability" of every Autistic person.
Love the information you have put together here. You mentioned a few times “studies show”, could you share the names of the research papers your referencing?
I would like to research these as well for use in a paper.
Thank you so much for sharing. It all hit home with me.
I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome when I was 5 years old. Kudos to my teacher for spotting it. I'm 33 now, and I'm happy to say that I've held onto my full-time job for 5 years. I didn't think it'd be possible, but I was determined. I remember when I was younger, that eye contact was my greatest weakness. I still struggle with it at times, but not nearly as bad. I kinda taught myself by practicing looking at characters on TV in the eye. I tend to rock sometimes, play with my hair, constantly doing something with my hands (on my phone, on my laptop, typing, playing games, counting my money at work, tapping my fingers or pen, etc), and unless I say that I have Asperger's, no one can really tell the difference. Not sure if I've improved over the years or if I'm masking. Still, I know I'm doing better compared to when I was younger. My supportive family and teachers were what helped me graduate with my class. The only thing I wish was that my mother was pushy with me in learning how to cook like she was when it came to learning how to drive. I now turn to YT for help in learning how to cook, but I'm thankful that I can at least cook basic things (eggs, rice, noodles, ground beef, and diced chicken). I'm still into anime and video games despite my age. Not sure I should be proud of it or ashamed. Still, I'm glad to be independent instead of dependent.
I think a lot of what you've noted around diagnosis and co-occurring medical conditions can in some part be linked to the medical community not believing women as much as men when women report their symptoms. The institutional sexism that exists in medicine.
I’ve always said I’m very empathetic but I definitely remember observing learning and mimicking behaviors until it became “acting” and then just became habit… I never fit in but by college I learned how to MAKE myself fit in and I don’t mean changing my personality, but like how to socialize and maintain friendships
I am 71 and was diagnosed a couple years ago. I am not sure if I will ever be able to unmask. Right now, I am dealing with extreme anger and depression and am very reclusive. I just don't see what the purpose of my life was for!
This couldn't be more relatable to me thank you
Great video!
My psychologist told me he have much experience with young adult women dealing with anxiety and depression that turns out to be autistic and he found me to fit in to that picture. Being potentially autistic is something I have mixed feelings about because I have never had any problems at all understanding irony or reading between the lines (at least not since my late teens) and I can express my own feelings and noticing facial expressions in other people etc (I even love to observe those and use it as inspiration for my own fictional writing).I know I function quite well in social situations where I feel I belong, like the 18th century reenactment society I am a member of, but in the wrong ones I feel very much out of place, for example the local grocery store where I was a trainee a few years ago (I don't think I have ever met such indifferent people as I did there)
However, I have always felt that I am too weird to be loved by others than my parents and I have never had any true lasting friendships. I am neither that much flexible and my most severe trait seems to be a great disability with breaking unhealthy isolation habits, no mather how much I wish to. I have always had what I call a phobia against dissapointments, which has led to so many missed opportunities in life, but thinking of that as a symthom of autism is a new idea that do make sense. Do I even have to mension that the traumatic pandemic isolation I was forced to was a total disaster, personally? 😢
Lastly, I don't see masking as something entirely negative if used wisely and with knowledge about how it affects one, so the risk of burnout can be minimized. My psychologist also gave me the advise to be restrictive in telling people about an potential diagnosis, because their beliefs about it might be very false and that might lead to weird missunderstandings.
I think that a barrier for adults is the cost. Some places in here in the USA here in my state of North Carolina want over thousands of dollars and don't take any insurance. I suspect I have autism because I have ADHD and that overlaps and I have 2 children with both autism and ADHD and both are girls. Ones autism is noticeable, but not very much she is high functioning. Her sister is more high functioning, not trying to compare them. But what are the odds that I have 2 children with both autism and ADHD and I have a confirmed ADHD diagnosis. I suspect I have autism as well. I just discussed this with my children's pediatrician, and she said I probably have autism as well if both of my children have it too. The children's fathers are confirmed schizophrenia and bipolar. But sometimes people say bipolar is actually autism. I grew up in the 1980's when autism wasn't tested, and it wasn't tested in girls. I mainly got tested for ADHD. Both of my children got diagnosed for autism and ADHD and it's like looking in a hall of mirrors with them. I see their behaviors in myself. What are the odds that a parent has 2 autistic and ADHD children? My mother was schizophrenic but no one else was, but me and all of my children have autism have autism and ADHD but I have been unable to get an unofficial diagnosis due to the cost. They now have genetic for testing for autism. I want to get my youngest tested.
I am an early diagnosed Autistic (Aspie), but you are definitely spot on with most of this. Thanks again!
(Question at the end if you survive the long comment).
I pursued an autism diagnosis after working with autistic kids in daycare. I have never understood children - not even when I was myself a child - and while I have learned how to read and anticipate how 'normal' children behave, it has always seemed alien to me. When I worked with these high functioning autistic kids, I for the first time, saw myself and my emotional responses to the world. I also saw adults treating their emotional world as entirely incomprehensible and random, when to me it seemed the opposite. This lead me into a deep internet search into autism in women. I recall nearly weeping when I saw my first video describing autistic women - it gave me words and explanations and connections that I had never heard of before.
However, my diagnosis process was soul-crushing. I felt they were evaluating my basic intelligence and counting against me all the social skills that I have poured my heart into learning and mastering. My parents were entirely against the idea that I had autism, and this was heavily weighted in the process. The fact that my parents and upbringing were so strange puts the cause of my 'strangeness' under question. Is it just my upbringing? To me, the answer is clearly no. But to psychologists who have to weigh my word against my parents with less than 3 hours of interaction with me to go on, it was an impossible battle. They also argued that I simply function too well in society to qualify for such a disorder.
Why is a diagnosis important to me? - Partly I want to present it to my parents. Partly I want to feel secure that I belong in the autistic community. Partly I want to campaign for autistic awareness. Partly I want access to resources.
But how can you confirm that you are autistic when 'everyone' is 'weird' in some way? When your parents are entirely opposed? How do I know it is a neurological condition and not childhood conditioning? How can I insist when the diagnostic process resulted in a no? The only backers I have are my closest friends who have intimately experienced my journey from when I was 18 years old and onwards. I have no close friends from before I was 18.
It is frustrating to find something that is so life-changing to discover, but not be able to take part in all the benefits because of the barriers. It is frustrating that my proudest achievements (learning how to let unfinished thoughts go in a conversation; learning how let other people get a word in; recognizing sarcasm; engaging in small group banter; etc) counts for nothing in the eyes of most people. And it is bizarre when my most effortless accomplishments get so much praise.
I don't know. I don't know where to go with this. I also don't know how to be good with a family that believes I have developed other psychological problems (not autism) and need therapy for making up a childhood experience they believe I did not have.
Oh man. It feels so good to feel heard with this video. Thank you for what you do sir. I've been so conflicted with this since my ex therapist mentioned it over a decade ago, but made my childhood make sense, and she got me into some life changing groups, especially CBT and felt like I woke up a little after that.. and have rarely been depressed since. Even though I tried my darnest to ignore it within myself, especially because I am still of age to join the military if things ever go south with my horrible job history. I'm so afraid of any diagnoses that could potentially iliminate my back up plan, however I finally found a job where I feel comfortable most of the time and almost at 2 years now & received many raises & promoted to manager (which I don't really feel qualified for as I know I have very poor verbal communication skills)..
It's the longest I've held a job for. It's typically quite, with a couple employees and I really enjoy working with my hands, doing my own thing (packing, inventory & organzing mostly). I've seen may ppl quit this job quickly, which I've eventually realized, it's not for everyone. However, I think I am being made fun of between my coworkers & boss, as they speak very quietly and then hear laughter & the energy shifts when I get closer. Who knows? It doesn't really bother me, just curious & I honestly prefer not being spoken to so I can finish my tasks. Lately I've been wondering if I may be putting a weird energy out there to others, especially in college, which I can't really pursue much more further either, as group work/presentations makes my mind blank out & full on panic. Back to my job though, once I get into the zone, I'm dead to the world and is when I'm most happy. Its weird though, I somehow cannot properly calculate/think when I have to partner up with a coworker, too.
I do sometimes wish to be like most people, meaning that I could experience what it's like to "click" with somebody to laugh with & and maybe even share my passions with. It seems liberating. I've tried social media, but it gives me too much anxiety & no one cares about my fascination with arthropods, physics & music anyways. Watching the show, "Friends" is the closest I've been to an actual friend and is comforting enough. This video hits the spot though, as it is a kind reminder that I'm not the only one struggling with bullies, being avoided/outcasted, social situations, etc. Thank you again kind sir. I hope all is well. 💙