This video rounds out this latest series on narcissism. In all a resoundingly successful series that I am confident has added valuable and new information. Please also comment on what you have found most helpful about this latest series and any suggestions you may have for future videos/topics.
Vital Mind Psychology I have to say that u go deeper into the study of Narcissism because you are Spiritually grounded!- You are not a mere psychologist; your understanding is not superficial;, u give DISCLOSURE to bring about CLOSURE to the people who suffered Narcissistic abuse--
Exactly. My dad at times did attack me further if I reached out for support. Then he'll complain about me not sharing my troubles with him and shutting myself off. He will stamp up the stairs complaining about me sitting at home (or not following up my plans if I share them with him, guess i should keep everything secret, he states he's not trying to bring me down but hold me accountable or help me. I just don't really trust that) then if something is important to me, he'll attack me about only caring about that particular thing. He will always enter my room, fart on my couch or try to get me to sit with him and ask me how was your day, what's on your mind? What are you thinking about? Or he'll ask how was your day, not wait for an answer and blabb on about his day. Very annoying.
I think one of the big signs that someone loves your Misfortune is that when they hear about your Misfortune, they smile or show some other body language signs showing that they actually approve of what happened. I think the best thing to do is to get away from these people since they bring nothing but negativity to our lives.
I used to find when I was merely kissing my ex, I would look up (as we do) and see him smiling this really creepy smile. I didn’t understand until I realized the “control “ thing they have. He felt like the predator and I was the prey. Sick. So glad he’s out of my life!!!
@@hibiscusfreak thats gas lighting. I have a friend that would gas light me when we were 8 years old.. he still does the same thing 50 years later. Yuck
I think the point he is saying here is that if the advice is helpful, then its OK. Narcs want you to continue to wallow in your misery so their advice will not be helpful.
“Someone who guilts you into making them the center of your support team”- wow, I never realized this as a trait to look for, but this has been used on me so much. Thank you for this video!
I am all too familiar with the narc smirk. My wife is one of these. She enjoys misfortune and hurting others then smirks about it. I have exposed her and she is caught in a corner now. Friends and family all know she is a narcissistic sociopath. It is an extremely difficult situation, but I came out of the tunnel I never thought I could escape. Knowledge is power. An educated empath can go toe to toe against a narcissist. I won. My narc wife is now forced into an eval in a few weeks and she is required to enter therapy. It likely won't help her, but I am treating this as a medical, no a marital issue. How you approach this, at least for me, is critical to keeping sane while dealing with such people. They are toxic and highly manipulative. It requires constant vigilance. They lie without care and can instantly invent a storyline in their mind to justify their crap behaviors.. even if that storyline is completely and obviously false. They literally believe their own lies. It is amazing to witness when it occurs. Extremely disfunctional.
It will be amazing if she actually submits to the eval and therapy. At the last minute, don't be surprised if she creates a bit of drama that would keep her from going. But if she does, congratulations! There is a glimmer of hope for her! Also, from my experience, just keep an eye out on the help that you receive. In my circumstance, it was mind blowingly inept and in the end caused even more damage. Best of luck to you!
Make sure you let them know what the reality of the situation is at home - my ex turned abused all the nurses but turned on the charm once the doctor responsible for deciding if he could go turned up. Apparently his problem was me :P
you might want to mirror all of what you just wrote...understanding behavioral patterns are not to point blame it is to understand and then also see if you posses the same components in your behavior...forcing someone into therapy is a pretty huge control pattern...guessing you are military since you put Cmdr on your internet name
Great video. There is an opposite of Schadenfreude called Gluckschmerz. Gluckschmerz is the feeling of unhappiness due to someone else's good fortune. Narcissists are likely to feel both. 😕
I find that on the contrary a narc is not in the least interested in any issue of your life and if you tell them about any issue they will take an adversary view of the problem and fault you. They also will not lift a finger to help you in any significant or dependable way.
OMG21ization ... I'm replying here to support what you just highlighted; that being , the distinction between covert and overt. What you say is true to experience and to the great advice and knowledge shared in this video.
YES! That is one big failing of this video and if you read my comment above I elaborate. Narcissists are only interested in answers to their specific questions which they are asking for their own purposes rather than open ended questions and listing actively. Generally they are not interested in others' pasts at all. What can you do for me today is all that is relevant. This guy warns against all opening up and condescendingly refers to vulnerability as "Pity parties, emotional vampires" etc which I find creepy - he is in the process of making his you tube fans dependent upon him, he will be their support center....LOL? Sounds like he is describing a very specific variant of narcissism and one that is drawn to the helping professions such as psychologists.
I agree with the other comments, the distinction between covert and overt narc is probably at work. The covert does not actually care about you either but they are collecting ammunition by soliciting your tales of misfortune. They are looking for ways to make themselves indispensable, so they can learn your weaknesses and create a sense of indebtedness on your part. All are just ways to dominate and control you. The overt selects targets whom they can easily control with abuse. The Covert narc often selects targets they have to stalk via stealthy methods. They prey upon your misfortune as a mode of ingress into your life. It's all sick but I think the covert is much harder to spot.
When I dated someone they kept asking me to talk about my past, which wasn't good. I simply said I refuse to walk down memory lane of the past. They get ideas to copy cat the things that hurt you! It's sad!! I'm an empath, and I knew years ago not to tell my business to anyone. Thank you Doc for your videos. In the bible, the KJV, in Jude and 2 Timothy, and Romans 1 and 2.
Sirley Ray I agree! Especially if it's another Narc, they will know what you've been through and then they see how far they can go with you based on your past experiences. I learned this lesson the hard way.
Someone telling their story is different and can build a connection emotionally in a healthy relationship... I think. However pumping for info for control or whatever is messed up.
Getting to know someone is very healthy. Not being interested in your past is also narcissistic and most narcissists are not interested unless it serves a specific purpose so they fish for specifics rather than just generally wanting to know and listen to what you choose to talk about. That you won't take about your past is a wall, good luck with that one. That is where this video fails big time is in rather than teaching people HOW to open up he simply warns against doing so...so American, medicate your feelings don't share them with others unless they are all smiles and puppies; meanwhile that positivity moat is in total denial of what is making it across over to the fortress of hyper-individualism.
‘Things are better, thanks for asking, I don’t want to discuss it anymore.’ This is perfection, especially going into the holidays with probing relatives.
Abdul, we went to primary school together. I just want to congratulate you and thank you for the wonderful work you’re doing in this field. I’ve been following your RUclips videos for some time and I’ve been really impressed by the caliber of your work. It’s also been helpful to me personally. Wishing you all the best! :) D.G.
Hi Daniela, great to hear from you. Yes, I remember you from what seems like so long ago back at NPS. Thank you for your kind words. I hope life has been well.
I used to know a person who was determined to help me and everyone else with their problems but I genuinely believe their was no malice involved. I think it just made this person feel important and filled some type of need. The problem was they would soon get bored of one persons issues and they would go looking for someone else to help. It made me feel used. I watched this person really go above and beyond to help their latest project, so it took a while for me to catch on. It is not always as obvious as smirking or showing body language. A lot of people who have gone through some type of abuse feel almost compelled to be heard and over share their problems. You really have to teach yourself to stop and think before you say anything. It really is a skill you have to learn.
Yes, I so agree with you now that I have realized I am guilty at letting too much be heard or shared. I will now work hard at changing this about myself. I do believe it did set me up to be abused. I know it did. Be careful people, you can't just share with all. We don't know what type of person is lurking in the background just waiting to pounce upon you.
Your credentials, approach, and detailed explanations and examples make your videos on this topic stand out. Making this info available is important work, and I thank you.
they might offer to help you when otherwise they would not, and if you decline, they feel rejected and change their attitude toward you. Yes, they want to control you when you are in a weak state.
Dr. Saad, thank you for the valuable information. I'm two years of NC with all narcissists in my life. Freshly coming out of 16 years very malignant covert abuse, for the first time in my life I, usually keeping things to myself, had the urge to tell the whole world about what happened to me and would go on talking and repeating things over and over again. A "friend" who turned out to be no friend at all, dug, probed, goaded, and within weeks got abusive; narcissists love to kick you hard when you're at your lowest. After a few of her nasty remarks, I added her to my NC list. But a good friend patiently listened to the third and fourth repetition. After I unwound a bit, I asked if she hadn't got tired of hearing the same things over and over again. She said: "Cendy, you helped me so very much, it was now my time to be there for you. You finally found words for what happened and needed to vent. Working with demented elderly, I'm used to repetitive talk, and knowing you, you just need time to sort things out and re-orientate, then you'll get back up and move on, as you always have." From other victims/survivors I know, they too feel the need to repetitively verbalize what happened. I've come to the conclusion it's the not having been heard, the constant discounting and devaluation that causes a kind of back up. There's so terribly much that didn't get said, couldn't be said, because no one was listening, nobody validated what happened and that the turmoil and all the emotions couped up inside are justified, and that even the couping up has a valid reason. I compare it to an old real to real recorder, when the real is full, it must get unrealed before it can be used again. Nowdays I only talk about what happened when there's a special occation, like when I have dealings with ex-husband due to divorce proceedings. But the pressure to talk has dissipated simultaniously with the disolving of the backed up emotions. If you've been narcissisticly abused as a child, because you weren't heard and didn't get validation, it gets habitual to want to make sure the other party gets the message, understands, thus the overexplaining of everything, even benign things. Once aware of this abuse-symptom, you can start monitoring yourself. I'm 61 and hereby testify, old dogs can indeed learn new tricks. :-)
Good insights . The experience I have had is that most narcissist do not care about listening to your problems. They are focused so much on themselves that they are thinking about what they are going to say next and therefore aren’t really listening to you at all unless it is to top your suffering with something worse that they feel happened to them.
cindy stephens they just listen to know where your weaknesses are..so they can hurt you..weird, they don’t have any interest in you, but they can filter the information so soon(just your weaknesses)
This is excellent. You have detailed what I have known but have been unable to put into words. Through a life altering crisis I had one of these individuals in my life. You describe the tactics perfectly. In moments I struggle with guilt when the person continues to attempt to re-establish relations despite my adamant "No" that possibly I am being unkind or unreasonable. After two years of "No" the knock to re-open the relationship continues. THIS is another sign. They are seeking a "feed", it has nothing to do with being your friend. Thank you. I needed to understand this dynamic.
Karen Tormey I agree completely. When we set boundaries with these vultures, it seems to work for a while and they return to feed. I repeatedly stand my ground.
Indeed, well said, and so very true. The guilt and manipulations, if only I had known what it was years ago. I saw and watched all this behavior but never knew why. I knew it was wrong, but didn't know what to do. Now I do. Thanks to these kinds of videos, they are literally life saving to victims like us.
My notes (thank you!) excellent: 1. Gets information from you, could even be obsessively 2. Upon your crisis, they begin to spend an unusual amount of time with you, as the center of your support team, crowding out others, you may begin to feel guilty about taking up their time. 3. Fishing for areas of dissatisfaction of your life to amplify your concerns. 4. You feel worse after talking to them. 5 Show slight delight (smirks etc) 6 Freely speaking about how dissatisfied they are, so you share your stuff to them. 7. Offers to act as a go between but come back with negative information. 1. Don't look for ways to unload your problems, but rather they open you up to being energetically vampired. 2. If someone shares their problem, do not begin opening up your problems to make them feel better (source of coverts strategy) and opening up to being energy vampired. 3. When pushed for info, have no obligation. "things are better, thanks for asking, ....not interested in discussing anymore..." 4. Put up boundaries when they crowd out others, you do not owe them anything. Don't be guilt tripped. 5. Consciously beware of the need NOT to wear your heart on your sleeve. 6. Know the characteristics of real help. (not with shame, internal critic etc) but with encouragement.
Your series on narcissism really helped me see why I always seem to attract bad relationships. I kept wondering why I always attracted the same type of men. They all wear different faces at first so they're hard to spot. Your videos helped me see why I attract these types and how to avoid them in the future. My whole life has been about narcissists. I don't even know how I've gone my whole life and not be mentally destroyed in some mental hospital with a life sentence. I'm an empath/ INFJ personality type. So I guess that saved me from being completely swallowed by the black hole. I see my experiences as a blessing. And i have taken my power back from them. I have already had my life thrown back in my face so many times and I've been through so much that I've grown bored, numb and indifferent to narcissists. I can step away from the situation and be an observer which is quite entertaining at times. I wish I could afford one one one but I'm grateful so much for the videos. God is the greatest
Narcissists love INFJ personality types as you guys are emphatic and great at giving words of affirmation/validation and being attentive. There are also narcissist INFJs out there but majority of them are very emphatic.
I've listened to many different lecturers on this subject and have noticed your style to be very clear and succinct! Not everyone is able to lecture with such clarity and understanding of the topic. Please continue to make these videos because individual counselors are not always as straight forward and knowledgeable as you. Your contribution is much appreciated and needed. Thank you!
How very true. Most often there is an intuitive instinct that this person is not helpful to you. They also tend to be “all talk, but no action.” Never offering any concrete help, only their advice. Thank you very much for this series. It has been very helpful to me. Perhaps another topic could be 🤔, experiencing neglect in childhood.
There is a flip side to this as well. I have someone in my life who quietly takes joy in any misfortune I have; but who also gets upset in various ways when I'm doing well and makes subtle but consistent attempts to sabotage my successes. It has been so confusing and incredibly damaging to my life; but much less so since I have begun to recognize the behaviors for what they are. I'm still peeling back the layers of damage from this person.
Thank you so much! I just visited my stepmother and I suspected she felt happy about the strained relationship between my sister and I. I picked up on it and really held back discussing anything personal with her. It actually made me feel really sick to my stomach. In recovery I’m really trying to listen to my intuition and physical responses to guide me. Thank you again for this video!
"...you end up feeling worse after confiding in them." Brilliant! I never associated this dynamic with narcissism; the only language I could come up with was passive-aggression. Thank you for helping me understand that this, too, CAN be a assumption of NPD.
hmm what a shocking and hard thing to accept! I think another sign might be you've seen them delighted by the misfortunes of others. Good work on the videos, very insightful.
sometimes we know things deep down but we try to gloss over it and ignore or not accept it.. perhaps you already have a sneaking suspicion? Though it generally wouldn’t be hard to test in person, If you can observe their nonverbal communication and microexpressions. Conversely a person like this will be aggravated and less than thrilled about your successes, though they may conceal it, it’s another sign to look for.
so sorry to hear this. it's probably what mine would say too. wow! I wonder how these people sleep at night. I really think they are evil. They actually enjoy seeing a person suffer, it's sadistic!
+mary wolfe They lack conscience. Dr. Robert Hare wrote a valuable book called "Without Conscience." If some of them, the worst of them, were to suddenly, somehow develop a conscience, they would dissolve in shame, like a vampire caught by the rising sun.
"...they want to activate your shame and guilt, and other unbearable emotions"... WOW! I am blown away by your accurate, detailed roadmap of the empath (or the one that is gravitated towards narcs). I am struggling with forgiving myself for not having known what I did not know, etc. But that of course, is part of my own "stuff". As I continue to educate myself, via your videos, I am experiencing a more enlightened and accepting view of myself. I also feel much more fortified and motivated to maintain healthy boundaries. The impulse to jump in and help, (based on your other videos), rooted in fear of being unloved, unprotected, vulnerable, etc, is ripping away my blind-spots. Thank you, sir. Very well done.
"I am struggling with forgiving myself for not having known what I did not know" Been there, done that. :) Try not to beat yourself up about that. Many of us, like myself, were not taught about these complicated and damaged people before. I am now four years into "no contact" with the toxic person I knew and I feel MUCH better. And stronger. And wiser. From what you write it sounds like you are on a good path, and I wish you all the best! Take care!
I had a life crisis some years ago. Several people helped me; yet I was aware at the time that they totally defined me with this problem. They were pleased with themselves; that it was not them; they had done better.They WERE better. In time; when I turned the situation around and became successful; these same people could hardly acknowledge me. Is this narcissism?
I'd say yes. Narcs LOVE to define you by your problems, even the extremely temporary ones. I was involved with a narc couple for a while as 'friends,' and it was so odd that they would hold onto the tiniest, most non-consequential things I'd said two years ago (when I was trusting them to help me with a temporary problem) and define me by them because they liked the negative light that it put me in. It didn't matter how obvious it was that what I'd said that long ago was no longer true for me and that there was an avalanche of proof showing that the situation was completely different in the present, but they would still hold onto that tiny thing because they liked the way it made me look. These people are sick.
Its definitely narcissistic abuse. That's what it is. They are manipulating your emotions and basically reminding you where you were,despite where you are today. Be happy in your success and continue succeeding and dont let them drag you down.
Yes. 100% they are narcissists. I recognise it too now. I had noticed it before in so many of the "friends" I had around me, but had told myself: No way that SO many people could be narcissists...but they are. And Yes. It's scary how many narcissists exists. I am convinced they outnumber us to a ridiculous extent.
hotstitch1 -Abdul says that narcissists are obsessed with hierarchy. Those people are so happy to have someone whom they feel is a rung or more DOWN the ladder than themselves. The fact that they feel this way because you suffered a setback, I won’t get into. However, the fact that you’ve bounced back and in their perception may have leapfrogged past them on some scale is the reason for your invisibility to them. They don’t need more people above them, they are looking for ones below them. I see this among women when I am prettier than them, but carry more extra weight. If I lose weight and become thinner than them, it’s as if I have become invisible. They won’t talk to me anymore.
The evil of narcissism must have a spiritual darkness to it. Why else would anyone need your misfortune to feel good. If narcissism was easy to understand on a human level it would be easy to treat. If narcissism isn't the face of evil then what is? Only a narcissist could enjoy someone's misfortune and try and cause you even more harm. Just my thought.
@@ak-47intelligence75 Yes Rebecca, having given a presentation recently on the Jezebel spirit, I would totally agree, particularly from the Christian perspective.
Aussie Aussie Aussie !!! We are proud of you to be an Aussie too Doc! You're more than world class and the best on RUclips for sure and you don't make us watch nauseating lengthy videos to get to the good info, you are straight into it and pure quality, so I thank you for that.
If you work or have ever worked at a facility where law enforcement is prevalent it seems it would be good to listen to “types” of laughters. Narcissists laugh very differently just before they get really dangerous. It sounds sort of like machinery with a stuck throttle. They might be measuring their air intake to strengthen their muscles. I’m not sure- but it’s a sort of staccato sound. It’s not a loose laugh at all. It’s like they are letting go of their diaphragms unwillingly, but measured. When that happens don’t have your back to them. Not all laughter is about happiness.
Could that be the same thing as jealousy? I had a friend, in the past, that was my good friend when I was going through a divorce. We walked and talked every day for several years. When good things started happening again in my life, she started getting hateful and kinda mean. I labeled her as jealous.
when you get better your friends change because you are increasing your level.A true friend might get jealous but will never change their attitude towards you.Always keep in touch with a lot of people and always carefully select your close circle because they define your whole life.
Reading the comments and remembering my own experiences makes me content that I don't want an intimate relationship. Furthering my interests and socializing with acquaintances seems to be enough. Thanks God, I am older and my hormones are asleep.
Great info, especially the part about NOT thinking that you have to share something just because someone else has. I also like the part about keeping a neutral emotional expression. Thank you for your input.
Thank you for the simple advice we may all forget we have free will💫 and therefore We Can Say No Thank you Point taken about not sharing ///Hungry Vampires🙌🙏👏 Be well and we'll see you soon⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It's refreshing to come across a highly educated and sensible approach as opposed to just women who've had a narcissistic relationship and think they know what they're taking about.
Further to point 1, not just probing you (the person suffering the misfortune), but also others (your friends/relatives) behind your back for as much information as possible about your misfortune.
Thank you so much. This has been both healing and restorative to have what I suspected was going on validated. I just very recently, escaped the clutches of a covert narcissist. I appreciate the academia, forthright presentation, and the refraining from mincing words and mollycoddling sensitive topics. We can only defeat what has been revealed. God bless you and I pray for your protection as you unmask darkness.
It's all true, I had a woman take an extraordinary interest in my life a few years ago and was there for me as a friend and offered and did give help but her life advice always led me to disaster. It appeared as though she was being genuine because her life was successful but every time I took her advice it turned out awful. Needless to say, we are friends at arms length now and I follow my own inner voice.
Thank you very much! This series has been so helpful in my understanding of these people and how to respond around them. I’m reminded of an ex in law of my daughter, who could be described as being like the queen with all her minions around her. She has some kind of psychic ability to have everyone’s mood and actions revolve around her whenever she was around. She had everyone pretty much helpless in this state and in any kind of event, celebration or crisis, she had everyone moved out of the way and invisible so that she could remain central and at the forefront. I think if we still had anything to do with her, after watching this video I’d be actively looking for those micro cues to see just how she pulls it off.
I was totally shocked after realizing some people who pretended to help me were actually delighting my misfortunes. After I talked with them about my misery my emotions got really bad and it seemed that they felt superior and energetic . I have been wondered why. Now I know the answers. Thanks from Korea.
It's hard to believe people can be so dark, but very important to know. When I've accidentally revealed too much to the wrong person, who wants to "know more," I tell them it was just a bad day. ( Which is usually true). It's good to have other grounded, good-spirited people to talk to who genuinely help. Those are your real friends, and you only need a few.
suggestion on a video to do! " No one has power over you" rather focus your thoughts & energy on positives, placing energy into the ones that do love you. having reverence for life, to be ALIVE in it. don't waste your time nor life focusing on narcissist.
I just adore your work. I am applying to grad school to pursue a career in clinical psychology and your work is a major influence to my career path. Thanks for all that you’re doing. You’re more inspirational than you know!
More excellent, grounded, usable info. Especially grateful for the "What to do about it" tips. I shed a few tears for all the years I spent doing the wrong things, but am fortified & empowered by your practical help.
You are absolutely right After surviving a disaster of loosing everything and surviving, the reaction was disappoint that I survived from relatives and friends. 10 yrs later I am still shocked at their reaction.
Thanks for these videos, excellent information and I appreciate the straightforward way you put things over. I am much happier having learned to completely cut out these toxic people from my life, definitely no contact! An empath/narcissist relationship is hell but recovery is totally possible.Looking forward to your return.
This is the first time I have heard an expert refer to the "narcissistic smirk". My husband has had serious medical issues. I am shocked when "friends" inquire and I see that momentary smirk of joy come across their face when they hear of our pain. I have identified several "friends" as likely narcissists from the brief joyous facial expression and decided to stay away from these toxic people who pretend to be concerned and helpful.
Is another sign the fact that when you talk about good things they don't listen or they make fun of you? Or they treat that as something insignificant .
100% of my experience!! Thank you Dr Saad.Your videos have saved my mind, my heart, and my life! These situations with a person that’s suppose to love you can drive you crazy if you don’t understand what’s going on.
This was an excellent video. Thank you. An interesting future topic: C-PTSD. I have heard this term in the circles of narcissistic abuse support groups. It would be great to hear from you on the disorder in general and then how it relates to the narcissistic abuse victim. Thank you again.
I have severe C-PTSD. My Father had Borderline Personality Disorder; my Mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my ex Husband (married 28 years) has Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The best current therapy out there today for C-PTSD is "EMDR" and "Bilateral Brain Stimulation" and it really matters which therapist does it. Some therapists are much more skilled than others. It may seem "hokey" but I swear, both "EMDR" and "Bilateral Brain Stimulation" works! It also does its magic in a very short period of time. I have had about 2 months of therapy twice a week with 45 minute sessions and I can tell such a HUGE difference. I feel like a different person! I am a different person! I do still have occasional emotional flashbacks, but they are less intense; I recognize them immediately; I process my emotions and cycle through them quickly; and I find closure and move on quickly, within a few hours and sometimes a few minutes, instead of getting "stuck" for months and years in a downward spiral of depression and that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. Also, I highly recommend the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk. Peter Levine's books and articles and hisYou Tube videos have been greatly helpful to me as well. Yoga and breathing exercises help tremendously. Google the "4-7-8 Breathing Technique" and use it to help calm the parasympathetic nervous system when triggered into an emotional flashback. Best of luck to all who suffer from this as I know how hellish it can be. But there is hope and the opportunity for a life "Transformation" once you get stable. Abdul Saal has some great videos on all this. He is the real deal! Thank you Abdul Saal for all you do to help us! May God bless YOU and YOURS!
Agree and so grateful: it is the Aussie, scientificly-informed, detailed studies that create a more mature selves. In an ideal world, your parents should teach you this. But in reality, you live 50 years, making mistakes and one day, after another huge heart-break come to the channel as yours and just can't believe how relevant this is! Thank you so very much! My energy of respect and good thoughts all to you. x.
Very helpful... and being mandatory for well-adjusted empaths and all; therefore being taught in high school would be a true breath fresh of information early on. Thank you Abdul Saad!!!!
Thank you Dr. Saad. Your commentary immediately cleared up some habitual discomfort I've been having with my girlfriend. She does her usual interrogation whenever we talk, followed by snappy orders for me to follow to solve my problems. The next time we talk she wants to know if I have carried out her orders. She is like a drill sergeant without the profanity. Now I know and will practice your suggestions for creating, announcing, and requiring that she respect my boundaries. Keep up the good work!
Dr. Saad you do an excellent service to those who are in the fog and confusion of a narcissist relationship. I appreciate your professional demeanor and concise academic presentation. With respect to this last segment on narcissists delighting in other’s misfortune, can you comment on what maybe called the narcissistic laugh? In my experience, it is a slight smirk and maybe subtle “humpf” sound in response to hearing or witnessing their partner’s hurt. I experienced this when my adult son was berating me disrespectfully (completely out of character for him) and my husband did nothing. Afterwards I asked him why he didn’t step in and he replied “I thought you deserved it.” What a shock but also a revelation. May God continue to bless you and the work you do so well.
Its great when you know something yet doubt yourself and finally have it put in words and confirmation of to ho about it. Instead of feeling, confused and guilt trip.
That is so bizarre because I do know a narcissist who lives on soap operas and the news. I thought He believed soap operas are real life and he tries to live it, but he's thriving on their misfortune. Eww. The news is real life and he thrives on it. I hope never to see this person not even driving down the street.
@@shinertaz Actually it was my father too. My ex discarded me after my father died. He purposely avoided when I wanted to talk about my father. He even said once I marry him I kind of no longer belong to my family. While I was with him, I felt I was living the soaps. Didnt know why. Later I found out what he told me were mostly famous lines from soaps.
This was an interesting conversation to read, considering my strong beliefs on this subject since I was somewhere around intermediate school, I'm in my 30's now. I grew up in a dysfunctional broken family and we used to go through phases of watching Shortland St. (7pm soap weeknights in NZ) every night after the news, then sometimes we'd go off it for a while, but what I noticed is that the more we watched things like that the more we acted like the people on those shows, and from there I formed my point of view that it was the exposure to the drama on the shows that made us act more dramatic than we would usually be, kind of what you're saying, but the other way round. I still believe there's some truth to it as well. It makes sense because people's personalities are mostly formed by their environment, so if one's environment is full of dramatic scenes, and they are constantly exposed to acts of treachery, deceit and general dishonorable behaviour, they will surely form that kind of personality. Likewise, if society is slowly becoming more full of narcissistic people, surely the fact that this personality is becoming the norm, will be/is a driving force in compounding the problem of the growing percentage of narcissistic individuals.
Absolutely life saving, thank you!!!! I have a hunch, you just saved me from another ted bundy..still wrapping my head around all this and looking for safe escape route. I can't thank you enough
Thank you. I have learned so much from your work. From zinc and magnesium to Jedi level ability to identify evil doers and how to handle them. It is so empowering to watch the crazy-makers try to gaslight and create drama then I take my power back and ask them to leave. Thank you for punching above your weight. These videos are saving lives!!
Thanks so much for this video. I was raised by a mother that is a covert narcissist. I just recently came to the realization that she seems to almost feed off my pain. A lifetime of pretending to be my best friend was actually one of sabotage, making things worse than they ever had to be, and blaming me for everything that went wrong. The truth is it was all her and always her. These videos have been very validating and a reminder of why I need to stay away. God Bless
Too many speakers on RUclips over share their misfortunes .This is a sign not to listen to their talks . I prefer this rational clear approach without the unnecessary drama .Thank you!
Thank you. You mention - around the middle of your talk - the narcissistic smirk (micro-expression), which seems to be a very helpful clue that one may be dealing with such a person. Secondly, the way in which they make themselves indispensable to you in a crisis so that you feel indebted to them. Thirdly, the mention of “prod and poke” actions. Fourthly, the way in which such persons seek to bring you into a place of shame and a place of not feeling that you can cope with life. Finally, your advice on how to combat being abused by such a person is very practical and down to earth. Thank you for a v balanced and accessible presentation.
Absolutely brilliant series - thank you so much. On the lighter side - I must say I felt a bit of schadenfreude watching you coping so sdmirably with the drilling! 😁
Thanks great series and helpful. Linked to this I would love to see a series on recovery or healthy competition as I find it hard to tell who is really happy to see me successful and I have subconsciously limited my success or how expressive I am after dealing with a number of these folks. Thanks for showing us how to build healthy boundaries.
I press like even before I watch your video. Binge watching for past 4 days. SO VERY HELPFUL on dealing with people in general and certainly understanding ourselves. Please don't stop your videos. You have helped us so much.
Can u do a video on how an empath might regain trust in the goodness of people again after being subjected to a narcissist for a long time? Your other videos have been very informative and helped me regain a lot of self confidence that had been worn down over the last decade. But I'm still in that place where Im sceptical of the good I see in others and I don't think it's healthy.
Great information and so important to communicate to stop giving them details/ammunition to use against us.They need our pain to feed on, or they need to compete, proving their pain is greater. Again that oscillating between extremes? I feel the ones at the sociopathic level deeply probe and probe, it’s all about you, and they can never absorb enough information. The questions are relentless, and when they turn against you, you can’t help but be shocked by their low blows, even when you understand that’s what they’re doing. I appreciate that you punch above to deliver information that many psychologists seem afraid to touch upon. :) Do you offer educational courses as well for professionals such as psychologists, clinical social workers, behavioral therapists, etc? Either for personal interest or CEUs?
Thank you for your videos! I lived with who I now believe to be a covert narc who loved to see me in fear and without direction in my life for almost (only!) 2 years. It is only now after many videos, books and discussions that left me with more questions, confused and with no less self doubt .... That it was then I finally found your videos that clearly define and explain in generous terms what happens within and to those who have been exposed to such individuals, only now do I understand exactly the workings of their mind and how my interactions with this individual left me feeling so exhausted, ashamed, belittled, and cowering in fear. I see it as fascinating after a string of such individuals that then followed into my life, male and female (now i can say this because I have recovered) and say to you: You have indeed nailed it! Thank you!
Excellent video, like previous. But the problem is that they are so annoyingly and stubbornly persistent in digging in your life bout private or professional and you cannot get rid of them if they have picked you and if they are obsessed with you in negative way.
Thanks mate! From Victoria. Really needed to understand what had happened so I can heal. You shine the light in the dark areas where I am still confused in the aftermath. So grateful.
Your videos are above all the others on utube !!!!!!! Your voice is clear...your words educated....your approach are very knowledgeable and understandable......the drills didn't even bother me......I enjoy watching and learning about my horrendous life.......you are DEEPLY APPRECIATED !!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much...its getting clearer now.....maria
#1 & 2 were my mom to a tee. She loved a good 'project'! She was very attentive and loving and supportive when we were sick/needy/in trouble. The reason why she did this is the part that eludes me. Was it all a way to feel superior? Important? My therapist suggests perhaps it was when she felt safest to be vulnerable. I don't know! On another note, aren't we codependent people pleasers, especially those who swoop in and try to fix or save others, aren't we in a way relishing in others'misfortunes? I mean, why are we perpetually attracted to these dysfunctional people? We are fulfilling our own needs. How is this different?
Nancy B my momther was similar. In my view, she was kind as a show for others to see. It was how she created evidence that she was a good person. It also put me into a sort of debt to her, so I felt obligated to her.
I just had to fix problems when children were young or young adults. If a mother doesn't care who will? Can't focus on myself until all is well again. It just hurts too much. It is not about how it looks to others at all. No body cares about helping your children. A normal mom gathers all her resources and takes care of her children. Don't understand this comment
This video rounds out this latest series on narcissism. In all a resoundingly successful series that I am confident has added valuable and new information. Please also comment on what you have found most helpful about this latest series and any suggestions you may have for future videos/topics.
Vital Mind Psychology
I have to say that u go deeper into the study of Narcissism because you are Spiritually grounded!- You are not a mere psychologist; your understanding is not superficial;, u give DISCLOSURE to bring about CLOSURE to the people who suffered Narcissistic abuse--
Vital Mind Psychology I love your clinical approach that's also relateable. Thanks!
Interested to know, do you have only clinical experience with narcissists or have you any in your private life?
Once again, right on target. Thank you!
Thank you. Very helpful to me. I might have two Narc around me. Your vedio is helpful on what to look and watch for.
Continued success
“You feel worse after talking about your problems with them”. That made me have a lightbulb moment!
Same here.
Exactly. My dad at times did attack me further if I reached out for support. Then he'll complain about me not sharing my troubles with him and shutting myself off.
He will stamp up the stairs complaining about me sitting at home (or not following up my plans if I share them with him, guess i should keep everything secret, he states he's not trying to bring me down but hold me accountable or help me. I just don't really trust that) then if something is important to me, he'll attack me about only caring about that particular thing. He will always enter my room, fart on my couch or try to get me to sit with him and ask me how was your day, what's on your mind? What are you thinking about? Or he'll ask how was your day, not wait for an answer and blabb on about his day. Very annoying.
Lightbulb times 10 ! YES
True!
Same!
Trust Your body. Often I feel physically ill around them. Drained. Telling sign.
So true that I get migraine nausea and heat flashes and a strong desire to flee!..and in only visiting family
nono go to brazil and be successful and happy in the carnival there, I will be happy for you
@@fredericmoresmau4303 haha that's a great idea! !
Sara N yes! I feel like I gain weight around him? Or I start feeling judged immensely
Sara N what about a knot in the stomach?
DON'T tell them anything that is personal under ANY situation. Ever.
Period. Situation solved.
I tried that and it's not natural for me to just clamp up about things. So I got rid of them instead
I think one of the big signs that someone loves your Misfortune is that when they hear about your Misfortune, they smile or show some other body language signs showing that they actually approve of what happened. I think the best thing to do is to get away from these people since they bring nothing but negativity to our lives.
I used to find when I was merely kissing my ex, I would look up (as we do) and see him smiling this really creepy smile.
I didn’t understand until I realized the “control “ thing they have. He felt like the predator and I was the prey.
Sick. So glad he’s out of my life!!!
Mine too! He also would set up little "accidents" where I would almost get hurt but then he would "save" me. I'm glad you got rid of him too!
Absoeffinglutely!!!
Yes! Correct. I have 2 so called friends that do that to me...and share my private conversations with others to make me look really bad...
@@hibiscusfreak thats gas lighting. I have a friend that would gas light me when we were 8 years old.. he still does the same thing 50 years later. Yuck
This is so scary. To the innocent they are perceived as caring. That’s how they trap us. This advice is so practical and helpful.
Lake Natron See you'll know that if someone really cares about you.They won't nit pick when you look good etc.Its a test of your capabilities.
Candice Diemer true
candice- the camoflage can be very good on these narcs💙
So, true, Candy Tripper
I think the point he is saying here is that if the advice is helpful, then its OK. Narcs want you to continue to wallow in your misery so their advice will not be helpful.
“Someone who guilts you into making them the center of your support team”- wow, I never realized this as a trait to look for, but this has been used on me so much. Thank you for this video!
That slight smirk they have always disgusts me...
That is a dead giveaway. So is the prim, clammy-mouthed expression they get when they're suppressing it.
Called Dupers Delight 😏
I am all too familiar with the narc smirk. My wife is one of these. She enjoys misfortune and hurting others then smirks about it. I have exposed her and she is caught in a corner now. Friends and family all know she is a narcissistic sociopath. It is an extremely difficult situation, but I came out of the tunnel I never thought I could escape. Knowledge is power. An educated empath can go toe to toe against a narcissist. I won. My narc wife is now forced into an eval in a few weeks and she is required to enter therapy. It likely won't help her, but I am treating this as a medical, no a marital issue. How you approach this, at least for me, is critical to keeping sane while dealing with such people. They are toxic and highly manipulative. It requires constant vigilance. They lie without care and can instantly invent a storyline in their mind to justify their crap behaviors.. even if that storyline is completely and obviously false. They literally believe their own lies. It is amazing to witness when it occurs. Extremely disfunctional.
It will be amazing if she actually submits to the eval and therapy. At the last minute, don't be surprised if she creates a bit of drama that would keep her from going. But if she does, congratulations! There is a glimmer of hope for her! Also, from my experience, just keep an eye out on the help that you receive. In my circumstance, it was mind blowingly inept and in the end caused even more damage. Best of luck to you!
Varykno hope? The only true hope with a narcissist is to get far away and nail the door shut!
Self Love
He's better off getting a divorce while she's in therapy.
That'll fix her!
Make sure you let them know what the reality of the situation is at home - my ex turned abused all the nurses but turned on the charm once the doctor responsible for deciding if he could go turned up. Apparently his problem was me :P
you might want to mirror all of what you just wrote...understanding behavioral patterns are not to point blame it is to understand and then also see if you posses the same components in your behavior...forcing someone into therapy is a pretty huge control pattern...guessing you are military since you put Cmdr on your internet name
Great video. There is an opposite of Schadenfreude called Gluckschmerz.
Gluckschmerz is the feeling of unhappiness due to someone else's good fortune. Narcissists are likely to feel both. 😕
Tess W YES THEY DO BOTH
How is thst the opposite? its the same.
I find that on the contrary a narc is not in the least interested in any issue of your life and if you tell them about any issue they will take an adversary view of the problem and fault you. They also will not lift a finger to help you in any significant or dependable way.
Love Light well said.. so so true!
OMG21ization ... I'm replying here to support what you just highlighted; that being , the distinction between covert and overt. What you say is true to experience and to the great advice and knowledge shared in this video.
Yes, more similar to my situation. So, apparently an overt narc as others have commented.
YES! That is one big failing of this video and if you read my comment above I elaborate. Narcissists are only interested in answers to their specific questions which they are asking for their own purposes rather than open ended questions and listing actively. Generally they are not interested in others' pasts at all. What can you do for me today is all that is relevant. This guy warns against all opening up and condescendingly refers to vulnerability as "Pity parties, emotional vampires" etc which I find creepy - he is in the process of making his you tube fans dependent upon him, he will be their support center....LOL? Sounds like he is describing a very specific variant of narcissism and one that is drawn to the helping professions such as psychologists.
I agree with the other comments, the distinction between covert and overt narc is probably at work. The covert does not actually care about you either but they are collecting ammunition by soliciting your tales of misfortune. They are looking for ways to make themselves indispensable, so they can learn your weaknesses and create a sense of indebtedness on your part. All are just ways to dominate and control you. The overt selects targets whom they can easily control with abuse. The Covert narc often selects targets they have to stalk via stealthy methods. They prey upon your misfortune as a mode of ingress into your life. It's all sick but I think the covert is much harder to spot.
When I dated someone they kept asking me to talk about my past, which wasn't good. I simply said I refuse to walk down memory lane of the past. They get ideas to copy cat the things that hurt you! It's sad!! I'm an empath, and I knew years ago not to tell my business to anyone. Thank you Doc for your videos.
In the bible, the KJV, in Jude and 2 Timothy, and Romans 1 and 2.
Sirley Ray I agree! Especially if it's another Narc, they will know what you've been through and then they see how far they can go with you based on your past experiences. I learned this lesson the hard way.
+Sweettart Good Stuff I went through the same thing with my X! Wow, they are all alike!
Hubby and ex did that...
Someone telling their story is different and can build a connection emotionally in a healthy relationship... I think. However pumping for info for control or whatever is messed up.
Getting to know someone is very healthy. Not being interested in your past is also narcissistic and most narcissists are not interested unless it serves a specific purpose so they fish for specifics rather than just generally wanting to know and listen to what you choose to talk about. That you won't take about your past is a wall, good luck with that one. That is where this video fails big time is in rather than teaching people HOW to open up he simply warns against doing so...so American, medicate your feelings don't share them with others unless they are all smiles and puppies; meanwhile that positivity moat is in total denial of what is making it across over to the fortress of hyper-individualism.
‘Things are better, thanks for asking, I don’t want to discuss it anymore.’ This is perfection, especially going into the holidays with probing relatives.
One thing I noticed conversely as well was once things start going well, They’ll try to downplay it or talk themselves up also.
So true!
Always 🤬🚨
Abdul, we went to primary school together. I just want to congratulate you and thank you for the wonderful work you’re doing in this field. I’ve been following your RUclips videos for some time and I’ve been really impressed by the caliber of your work. It’s also been helpful to me personally. Wishing you all the best! :) D.G.
Hi Daniela, great to hear from you. Yes, I remember you from what seems like so long ago back at NPS. Thank you for your kind words. I hope life has been well.
I used to know a person who was determined to help me and everyone else with their problems but I genuinely
believe their was no malice involved. I think it just made this person feel important and filled some type of need.
The problem was they would soon get bored of one persons issues and they would go looking for someone
else to help. It made me feel used. I watched this person really go above and beyond to help their latest project,
so it took a while for me to catch on. It is not always as obvious as smirking or showing body language.
A lot of people who have gone through some type of abuse feel almost compelled to be heard and over
share their problems. You really have to teach yourself to stop and think before you say anything. It really is a
skill you have to learn.
I am amazed at how common this is. You made some of my past situations make more sense.
They are just people pleasers.They are also suffering in life.
@@rohithreddy75 That's true.
Learning!
Yes, I so agree with you now that I have realized I am guilty at letting too much be heard or shared. I will now work hard at changing this about myself. I do believe it did set me up to be abused. I know it did. Be careful people, you can't just share with all. We don't know what type of person is lurking in the background just waiting to pounce upon you.
Your credentials, approach, and detailed explanations and examples make your videos on this topic stand out. Making this info available is important work, and I thank you.
they might offer to help you when otherwise they would not, and if you decline, they feel rejected and change their attitude toward you. Yes, they want to control you when you are in a weak state.
Dr. Saad, thank you for the valuable information. I'm two years of NC with all narcissists in my life. Freshly coming out of 16 years very malignant covert abuse, for the first time in my life I, usually keeping things to myself, had the urge to tell the whole world about what happened to me and would go on talking and repeating things over and over again. A "friend" who turned out to be no friend at all, dug, probed, goaded, and within weeks got abusive; narcissists love to kick you hard when you're at your lowest. After a few of her nasty remarks, I added her to my NC list. But a good friend patiently listened to the third and fourth repetition. After I unwound a bit, I asked if she hadn't got tired of hearing the same things over and over again. She said: "Cendy, you helped me so very much, it was now my time to be there for you. You finally found words for what happened and needed to vent. Working with demented elderly, I'm used to repetitive talk, and knowing you, you just need time to sort things out and re-orientate, then you'll get back up and move on, as you always have."
From other victims/survivors I know, they too feel the need to repetitively verbalize what happened. I've come to the conclusion it's the not having been heard, the constant discounting and devaluation that causes a kind of back up. There's so terribly much that didn't get said, couldn't be said, because no one was listening, nobody validated what happened and that the turmoil and all the emotions couped up inside are justified, and that even the couping up has a valid reason. I compare it to an old real to real recorder, when the real is full, it must get unrealed before it can be used again. Nowdays I only talk about what happened when there's a special occation, like when I have dealings with ex-husband due to divorce proceedings. But the pressure to talk has dissipated simultaniously with the disolving of the backed up emotions.
If you've been narcissisticly abused as a child, because you weren't heard and didn't get validation, it gets habitual to want to make sure the other party gets the message, understands, thus the overexplaining of everything, even benign things. Once aware of this abuse-symptom, you can start monitoring yourself. I'm 61 and hereby testify, old dogs can indeed learn new tricks. :-)
Is that what it is? Thank you!
Good insights . The experience I have had is that most narcissist do not care about listening to your problems. They are focused so much on themselves that they are thinking about what they are going to say next and therefore aren’t really listening to you at all unless it is to top your suffering with something worse that they feel happened to them.
cindy stephens they just listen to know where your weaknesses are..so they can hurt you..weird, they don’t have any interest in you, but they can filter the information so soon(just your weaknesses)
This is excellent. You have detailed what I have known but have been unable to put into words. Through a life altering crisis I had one of these individuals in my life. You describe the tactics perfectly. In moments I struggle with guilt when the person continues to attempt to re-establish relations despite my adamant "No" that possibly I am being unkind or unreasonable. After two years of "No" the knock to re-open the relationship continues. THIS is another sign. They are seeking a "feed", it has nothing to do with being your friend. Thank you. I needed to understand this dynamic.
Karen Tormey I love how you put that, “seeking a feed”. Spot on!
Karen Tormey I agree completely. When we set boundaries with these vultures, it seems to work for a while and they return to feed. I repeatedly stand my ground.
Yes, “seeking a feed” describes it!
Indeed, well said, and so very true. The guilt and manipulations, if only I had known what it was years ago. I
saw and watched all this behavior but never knew why. I knew it was wrong, but didn't know what to do. Now
I do. Thanks to these kinds of videos, they are literally life saving to victims like us.
Lure them in for a feed and then dont feed them
My notes (thank you!) excellent:
1. Gets information from you, could even be obsessively
2. Upon your crisis, they begin to spend an unusual amount of time with you, as the center of your support team, crowding out others, you may begin to feel guilty about taking up their time.
3. Fishing for areas of dissatisfaction of your life to amplify your concerns.
4. You feel worse after talking to them.
5 Show slight delight (smirks etc)
6 Freely speaking about how dissatisfied they are, so you share your stuff to them.
7. Offers to act as a go between but come back with negative information.
1. Don't look for ways to unload your problems, but rather they open you up to being energetically vampired.
2. If someone shares their problem, do not begin opening up your problems to make them feel better (source of coverts strategy) and opening up to being energy vampired.
3. When pushed for info, have no obligation. "things are better, thanks for asking, ....not interested in discussing anymore..."
4. Put up boundaries when they crowd out others, you do not owe them anything. Don't be guilt tripped.
5. Consciously beware of the need NOT to wear your heart on your sleeve.
6. Know the characteristics of real help. (not with shame, internal critic etc) but with encouragement.
helpful, thank you
Your series on narcissism really helped me see why I always seem to attract bad relationships. I kept wondering why I always attracted the same type of men. They all wear different faces at first so they're hard to spot. Your videos helped me see why I attract these types and how to avoid them in the future. My whole life has been about narcissists. I don't even know how I've gone my whole life and not be mentally destroyed in some mental hospital with a life sentence. I'm an empath/ INFJ personality type. So I guess that saved me from being completely swallowed by the black hole. I see my experiences as a blessing. And i have taken my power back from them. I have already had my life thrown back in my face so many times and I've been through so much that I've grown bored, numb and indifferent to narcissists. I can step away from the situation and be an observer which is quite entertaining at times. I wish I could afford one one one but I'm grateful so much for the videos. God is the greatest
Narcissists love INFJ personality types as you guys are emphatic and great at giving words of affirmation/validation and being attentive. There are also narcissist INFJs out there but majority of them are very emphatic.
Trust your intuitive mind. Energy/ vibes don’t lie.
I've listened to many different lecturers on this subject and have noticed your style to be very clear and succinct! Not everyone is able to lecture with such clarity and understanding of the topic. Please continue to make these videos because individual counselors are not always as straight forward and knowledgeable as you. Your contribution is much appreciated and needed. Thank you!
How very true. Most often there is an intuitive instinct that this person is not helpful to you.
They also tend to be “all talk, but no action.” Never offering any concrete help, only their advice.
Thank you very much for this series. It has been very helpful to me. Perhaps another topic could be 🤔, experiencing neglect in childhood.
There is a flip side to this as well. I have someone in my life who quietly takes joy in any misfortune I have; but who also gets upset in various ways when I'm doing well and makes subtle but consistent attempts to sabotage my successes. It has been so confusing and incredibly damaging to my life; but much less so since I have begun to recognize the behaviors for what they are. I'm still peeling back the layers of damage from this person.
Thank you so much! I just visited my stepmother and I suspected she felt happy about the strained relationship between my sister and I. I picked up on it and really held back discussing anything personal with her. It actually made me feel really sick to my stomach. In recovery I’m really trying to listen to my intuition and physical responses to guide me. Thank you again for this video!
"...you end up feeling worse after confiding in them."
Brilliant! I never associated this dynamic with narcissism; the only language I could come up with was passive-aggression. Thank you for helping me understand that this, too, CAN be a assumption of NPD.
Your videos on narcissism and related issues are a breath of fresh air. Many thanks x
hmm what a shocking and hard thing to accept! I think another sign might be you've seen them delighted by the misfortunes of others. Good work on the videos, very insightful.
Very good point.👍 "Delighted by the missfortune of others"
Totally. I know someone like that. How do I know she doesn't feel the same about me?
sometimes we know things deep down
but we try to gloss over it and ignore or not accept it..
perhaps you already have a sneaking suspicion?
Though it generally wouldn’t be hard to test in person,
If you can observe their nonverbal communication
and microexpressions. Conversely a person like this
will be aggravated and less than thrilled about your successes,
though they may conceal it, it’s another sign to look for.
When I became homeless through no fault of my own, my narcissistic sister actually smiled whilst pretending to feel sorry for me...............
so sorry to hear this. it's probably what mine would say too. wow! I wonder how these people sleep at night. I really think they are evil. They actually enjoy seeing a person suffer, it's sadistic!
+mary wolfe
They lack conscience. Dr. Robert Hare wrote a valuable book called "Without Conscience." If some of them, the worst of them, were to suddenly, somehow develop a conscience, they would dissolve in shame, like a vampire caught by the rising sun.
"...they want to activate your shame and guilt, and other unbearable emotions"... WOW! I am blown away by your accurate, detailed roadmap of the empath (or the one that is gravitated towards narcs). I am struggling with forgiving myself for not having known what I did not know, etc. But that of course, is part of my own "stuff". As I continue to educate myself, via your videos, I am experiencing a more enlightened and accepting view of myself. I also feel much more fortified and motivated to maintain healthy boundaries. The impulse to jump in and help, (based on your other videos), rooted in fear of being unloved, unprotected, vulnerable, etc, is ripping away my blind-spots. Thank you, sir. Very well done.
Great words well stated.
"I am struggling with forgiving myself for not having known what I did not know"
Been there, done that. :)
Try not to beat yourself up about that. Many of us, like myself, were not taught about these complicated and damaged people before.
I am now four years into "no contact" with the toxic person I knew and I feel MUCH better. And stronger. And wiser.
From what you write it sounds like you are on a good path, and I wish you all the best!
Take care!
Tim Taldinom thank you for your loving compassionate reply. So timely 😀 I wish you love and joy😁.
Thank you very much for taking the time to help others . I appreciate it.
I had a life crisis some years ago. Several people helped me; yet I was aware at the time that they totally defined me with this problem. They were pleased with themselves; that it was not them; they had done better.They WERE better. In time; when I turned the situation around and became successful; these same people could hardly acknowledge me. Is this narcissism?
I'd say yes. Narcs LOVE to define you by your problems, even the extremely temporary ones. I was involved with a narc couple for a while as 'friends,' and it was so odd that they would hold onto the tiniest, most non-consequential things I'd said two years ago (when I was trusting them to help me with a temporary problem) and define me by them because they liked the negative light that it put me in. It didn't matter how obvious it was that what I'd said that long ago was no longer true for me and that there was an avalanche of proof showing that the situation was completely different in the present, but they would still hold onto that tiny thing because they liked the way it made me look. These people are sick.
Its definitely narcissistic abuse. That's what it is. They are manipulating your emotions and basically reminding you where you were,despite where you are today. Be happy in your success and continue succeeding and dont let them drag you down.
Yes. 100% they are narcissists. I recognise it too now. I had noticed it before in so many of the "friends" I had around me, but had told myself: No way that SO many people could be narcissists...but they are. And Yes. It's scary how many narcissists exists. I am convinced they outnumber us to a ridiculous extent.
hotstitch1 -Abdul says that narcissists are obsessed with hierarchy. Those people are so happy to have someone whom they feel is a rung or more DOWN the ladder than themselves. The fact that they feel this way because you suffered a setback, I won’t get into. However, the fact that you’ve bounced back and in their perception may have leapfrogged past them on some scale is the reason for your invisibility to them. They don’t need more people above them, they are looking for ones below them. I see this among women when I am prettier than them, but carry more extra weight. If I lose weight and become thinner than them, it’s as if I have become invisible. They won’t talk to me anymore.
And vampire is a great descriptive word.
The evil of narcissism must have a spiritual darkness to it. Why else would anyone need your misfortune to feel good. If narcissism was easy to understand on a human level it would be easy to treat. If narcissism isn't the face of evil then what is? Only a narcissist could enjoy someone's misfortune and try and cause you even more harm. Just my thought.
Penny Yeomans
Yes,it's Spiritual!! They are dark souls!!
Or just damaged people? It takes nature and nurture to create all our psychoses.
Its the Jezebel spirit.
I also believe this to be true.
@@ak-47intelligence75 Yes Rebecca, having given a presentation recently on the Jezebel spirit, I would totally agree, particularly from the Christian perspective.
Aussie Aussie Aussie !!! We are proud of you to be an Aussie too Doc! You're more than world class and the best on RUclips for sure and you don't make us watch nauseating lengthy videos to get to the good info, you are straight into it and pure quality, so I thank you for that.
Thanks mate!
Totally agree! Kudos!
I don't like to compare people or say one youtuber is better than another, BUT, Dr. Saad is the best.
what's the saying? Don't tell your problems to anyone . 20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them. That has been my mantra.
If you work or have ever worked at a facility where law enforcement is prevalent it seems it would be good to listen to “types” of laughters. Narcissists laugh very differently just before they get really dangerous. It sounds sort of like machinery with a stuck throttle. They might be measuring their air intake to strengthen their muscles. I’m not sure- but it’s a sort of staccato sound. It’s not a loose laugh at all. It’s like they are letting go of their diaphragms unwillingly, but measured. When that happens don’t have your back to them. Not all laughter is about happiness.
Google Hillary Clinton's "laugh" outbreaks...scary!
Could that be the same thing as jealousy? I had a friend, in the past, that was my good friend when I was going through a divorce. We walked and talked every day for several years. When good things started happening again in my life, she started getting hateful and kinda mean. I labeled her as jealous.
Probably, she just wanted to be your support in bad times and when good times came, she might have felt not useful anymore. IMPO
@@69LOLIN yeah . it was time to move on.
a true friend in good times and bad times is hard to find .....Trust Jesus
when you get better your friends change because you are increasing your level.A true friend might get jealous but will never change their attitude towards you.Always keep in touch with a lot of people and always carefully select your close circle because they define your whole life.
Reading the comments and remembering my own experiences makes me content that I don't want an intimate relationship. Furthering my interests and socializing with acquaintances seems to be enough.
Thanks God, I am older and my hormones are asleep.
Great info, especially the part about NOT thinking that you have to share something just because someone else has. I also like the part about keeping a neutral emotional expression. Thank you for your input.
Thank you for the simple advice we may all forget we have free will💫 and therefore We Can Say No Thank you
Point taken about not sharing ///Hungry Vampires🙌🙏👏 Be well and we'll see you soon⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It's refreshing to come across a highly educated and sensible approach as opposed to just women who've had a narcissistic relationship and think they know what they're taking about.
Further to point 1, not just probing you (the person suffering the misfortune), but also others (your friends/relatives) behind your back for as much information as possible about your misfortune.
Thank you you deserve many blessings for the many blessings you've freely given us all. You are appreciated.
Thank you so much. This has been both healing and restorative to have what I suspected was going on validated. I just very recently, escaped the clutches of a covert narcissist. I appreciate the academia, forthright presentation, and the refraining from mincing words and mollycoddling sensitive topics. We can only defeat what has been revealed. God bless you and I pray for your protection as you unmask darkness.
I like your advice because it’s academic but at the same time easy to understand for regular folks.
It's all true, I had a woman take an extraordinary interest in my life a few years ago and was there for me as a friend and offered and did give help but her life advice always led me to disaster. It appeared as though she was being genuine because her life was successful but every time I took her advice it turned out awful. Needless to say, we are friends at arms length now and I follow my own inner voice.
In my opinion the only way that someone fully understands this is that they have experienced it themselves. Insightful and thorough.
Thank you very much! This series has been so helpful in my understanding of these people and how to respond around them. I’m reminded of an ex in law of my daughter, who could be described as being like the queen with all her minions around her. She has some kind of psychic ability to have everyone’s mood and actions revolve around her whenever she was around. She had everyone pretty much helpless in this state and in any kind of event, celebration or crisis, she had everyone moved out of the way and invisible so that she could remain central and at the forefront. I think if we still had anything to do with her, after watching this video I’d be actively looking for those micro cues to see just how she pulls it off.
I was totally shocked after realizing some people who pretended to help me were actually
delighting my misfortunes.
After I talked with them about my misery my emotions got really bad and it seemed that they felt superior and energetic .
I have been wondered why.
Now I know the answers.
Thanks from Korea.
Most grateful again! Thanks for the enlightening view of Australians, lol. Enjoy your well deserved vacation :D
The drilling didn't take anything away from what you were saying. Thank you for working through it.
It's hard to believe people can be so dark, but very important to know. When I've accidentally revealed too much to the wrong person, who wants to "know more," I tell them it was just a bad day. ( Which is usually true). It's good to have other grounded, good-spirited people to talk to who genuinely help. Those are your real friends, and you only need a few.
I really like the idea of not talking about problems to many people. Wow! Great advice.
The sounds of Sydney ... Drilling, renovations, digging, never stops. 😊
The most stunning characteristic about this type is how they lack shame altogether.
Wish I lived closer to buy you lunch! Great info as always. You are on my hero list.
You’ve consistently been punching above your weight with these videos, and we are here for it. :)
suggestion on a video to do! " No one has power over you" rather focus your thoughts & energy on positives, placing energy into the ones that do love you. having reverence for life, to be ALIVE in it. don't waste your time nor life focusing on narcissist.
I just adore your work. I am applying to grad school to pursue a career in clinical psychology and your work is a major influence to my career path. Thanks for all that you’re doing. You’re more inspirational than you know!
More excellent, grounded, usable info. Especially grateful for the "What to do about it" tips. I shed a few tears for all the years I spent doing the wrong things, but am fortified & empowered by your practical help.
You are absolutely right After surviving a disaster of loosing everything and surviving, the reaction was disappoint that I survived from relatives and friends. 10 yrs later I am still shocked at their reaction.
Thanks for these videos, excellent information and I appreciate the straightforward way you put things over. I am much happier having learned to completely cut out these toxic people from my life, definitely no contact! An empath/narcissist relationship is hell but recovery is totally possible.Looking forward to your return.
This is the first time I have heard an expert refer to the "narcissistic smirk". My husband has had serious medical issues. I am shocked when "friends" inquire and I see that momentary smirk of joy come across their face when they hear of our pain. I have identified several "friends" as likely narcissists from the brief joyous facial expression and decided to stay away from these toxic people who pretend to be concerned and helpful.
Is another sign the fact that when you talk about good things they don't listen or they make fun of you? Or they treat that as something insignificant .
100% of my experience!! Thank you Dr Saad.Your videos have saved my mind, my heart, and my life! These situations with a person that’s suppose to love you can drive you crazy if you don’t understand what’s going on.
This was an excellent video. Thank you. An interesting future topic: C-PTSD. I have heard this term in the circles of narcissistic abuse support groups. It would be great to hear from you on the disorder in general and then how it relates to the narcissistic abuse victim. Thank you again.
I so agree with you!
As somebody who has been diagnosed with PTSD from being married to a narc for nine years, I would be very interested in a vdeo on it.
I have severe C-PTSD. My Father had Borderline Personality Disorder; my Mother had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and my ex Husband (married 28 years) has Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The best current therapy out there today for C-PTSD is "EMDR" and "Bilateral Brain Stimulation" and it really matters which therapist does it. Some therapists are much more skilled than others.
It may seem "hokey" but I swear, both "EMDR" and "Bilateral Brain Stimulation" works! It also does its magic in a very short period of time. I have had about 2 months of therapy twice a week with 45 minute sessions and I can tell such a HUGE difference. I feel like a different person! I am a different person! I do still have occasional emotional flashbacks, but they are less intense; I recognize them immediately; I process my emotions and cycle through them quickly; and I find closure and move on quickly, within a few hours and sometimes a few minutes, instead of getting "stuck" for months and years in a downward spiral of depression and that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
Also, I highly recommend the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk.
Peter Levine's books and articles and hisYou Tube videos have been greatly helpful to me as well.
Yoga and breathing exercises help tremendously. Google the "4-7-8 Breathing Technique" and use it to help calm the parasympathetic nervous system when triggered into an emotional flashback.
Best of luck to all who suffer from this as I know how hellish it can be. But there is hope and the opportunity for a life "Transformation" once you get stable.
Abdul Saal has some great videos on all this. He is the real deal!
Thank you Abdul Saal for all you do to help us! May God bless YOU and YOURS!
Agree and so grateful: it is the Aussie, scientificly-informed, detailed studies that create a more mature selves. In an ideal world, your parents should teach you this. But in reality, you live 50 years, making mistakes and one day, after another huge heart-break come to the channel as yours and just can't believe how relevant this is! Thank you so very much! My energy of respect and good thoughts all to you. x.
Very helpful... and being mandatory for well-adjusted empaths and all; therefore being taught in high school would be a true breath fresh of information early on.
Thank you Abdul Saad!!!!
Thank you Dr. Saad. Your commentary immediately cleared up some habitual discomfort I've been having with my girlfriend. She does her usual interrogation whenever we talk, followed by snappy orders for me to follow to solve my problems. The next time we talk she wants to know if I have carried out her orders. She is like a drill sergeant without the profanity. Now I know and will practice your suggestions for creating, announcing, and requiring that she respect my boundaries. Keep up the good work!
Dr. Saad you do an excellent service to those who are in the fog and confusion of a narcissist relationship. I appreciate your professional demeanor and concise academic presentation. With respect to this last segment on narcissists delighting in other’s misfortune, can you comment on what maybe called the narcissistic laugh? In my experience, it is a slight smirk and maybe subtle “humpf” sound in response to hearing or witnessing their partner’s hurt. I experienced this when my adult son was berating me disrespectfully (completely out of character for him) and my husband did nothing. Afterwards I asked him why he didn’t step in and he replied “I thought you deserved it.” What a shock but also a revelation. May God continue to bless you and the work you do so well.
Its great when you know something yet doubt yourself and finally have it put in words and confirmation of to ho about it. Instead of feeling, confused and guilt trip.
A lot of people like misfortune that’s why they watch the news and soaps
My ex boyfriend loved soaps and was so smart. So sweet outside no empathy inside even when my family member died.
Ally Bartlet
My ex narc discarded me the day after I lost my father unexpectedly
That is so bizarre because I do know a narcissist who lives on soap operas and the news. I thought He believed soap operas are real life and he tries to live it, but he's thriving on their misfortune. Eww. The news is real life and he thrives on it. I hope never to see this person not even driving down the street.
@@shinertaz Actually it was my father too. My ex discarded me after my father died. He purposely avoided when I wanted to talk about my father. He even said once I marry him I kind of no longer belong to my family. While I was with him, I felt I was living the soaps. Didnt know why. Later I found out what he told me were mostly famous lines from soaps.
This was an interesting conversation to read, considering my strong beliefs on this subject since I was somewhere around intermediate school, I'm in my 30's now. I grew up in a dysfunctional broken family and we used to go through phases of watching Shortland St. (7pm soap weeknights in NZ) every night after the news, then sometimes we'd go off it for a while, but what I noticed is that the more we watched things like that the more we acted like the people on those shows, and from there I formed my point of view that it was the exposure to the drama on the shows that made us act more dramatic than we would usually be, kind of what you're saying, but the other way round. I still believe there's some truth to it as well. It makes sense because people's personalities are mostly formed by their environment, so if one's environment is full of dramatic scenes, and they are constantly exposed to acts of treachery, deceit and general dishonorable behaviour, they will surely form that kind of personality. Likewise, if society is slowly becoming more full of narcissistic people, surely the fact that this personality is becoming the norm, will be/is a driving force in compounding the problem of the growing percentage of narcissistic individuals.
Thank you so much! I ve just realized that cutting the ties with an " old friend" of mine was something good! Free of feeling condemned about it!
Have a nice break, look forward to seeing you online again before too long :)
Absolutely life saving, thank you!!!! I have a hunch, you just saved me from another ted bundy..still wrapping my head around all this and looking for safe escape route. I can't thank you enough
Thank you. I have learned so much from your work. From zinc and magnesium to Jedi level ability to identify evil doers and how to handle them. It is so empowering to watch the crazy-makers try to gaslight and create drama then I take my power back and ask them to leave. Thank you for punching above your weight. These videos are saving lives!!
Thanks so much for this video. I was raised by a mother that is a covert narcissist. I just recently came to the realization that she seems to almost feed off my pain. A lifetime of pretending to be my best friend was actually one of sabotage, making things worse than they ever had to be, and blaming me for everything that went wrong. The truth is it was all her and always her. These videos have been very validating and a reminder of why I need to stay away. God Bless
Dr. Saad you were just mentioned on Richard Grannon's Spartan Life Coach "live" video. You are affective in helping people. Thx
Too many speakers on RUclips over share their misfortunes .This is a sign not to listen to their talks . I prefer this rational clear approach without the unnecessary drama .Thank you!
Sadly, you just described my mother to a tee. 😟
This guy is soooo good.
Thank you. You mention - around the middle of your talk - the narcissistic smirk (micro-expression), which seems to be a very helpful clue that one may be dealing with such a person. Secondly, the way in which they make themselves indispensable to you in a crisis so that you feel indebted to them. Thirdly, the mention of “prod and poke” actions. Fourthly, the way in which such persons seek to bring you into a place of shame and a place of not feeling that you can cope with life. Finally, your advice on how to combat being abused by such a person is very practical and down to earth. Thank you for a v balanced and accessible presentation.
Absolutely brilliant series - thank you so much. On the lighter side - I must say I felt a bit of schadenfreude watching you coping so sdmirably with the drilling! 😁
Where was this video 6 years ago? I learned not to overshare the hard way. :)
Lesson learned. Thank you!
Thanks great series and helpful. Linked to this I would love to see a series on recovery or healthy competition as I find it hard to tell who is really happy to see me successful and I have subconsciously limited my success or how expressive I am after dealing with a number of these folks. Thanks for showing us how to build healthy boundaries.
I press like even before I watch your video. Binge watching for past 4 days. SO VERY HELPFUL on dealing with people in general and certainly understanding ourselves. Please don't stop your videos. You have helped us so much.
Can u do a video on how an empath might regain trust in the goodness of people again after being subjected to a narcissist for a long time?
Your other videos have been very informative and helped me regain a lot of self confidence that had been worn down over the last decade. But I'm still in that place where Im sceptical of the good I see in others and I don't think it's healthy.
You are a good and sincere person. Your videos were the first I ever watched on this topic and were a God-send. Thank you.
Great information and so important to communicate to stop giving them details/ammunition to use against us.They need our pain to feed on, or they need to compete, proving their pain is greater. Again that oscillating between extremes? I feel the ones at the sociopathic level deeply probe and probe, it’s all about you, and they can never absorb enough information. The questions are relentless, and when they turn against you, you can’t help but be shocked by their low blows, even when you understand that’s what they’re doing. I appreciate that you punch above to deliver information that many psychologists seem afraid to touch upon. :)
Do you offer educational courses as well for professionals such as psychologists, clinical social workers, behavioral therapists, etc? Either for personal interest or CEUs?
Thank you for your videos! I lived with who I now believe to be a covert narc who loved to see me in fear and without direction in my life for almost (only!) 2 years. It is only now after many videos, books and discussions that left me with more questions, confused and with no less self doubt .... That it was then I finally found your videos that clearly define and explain in generous terms what happens within and to those who have been exposed to such individuals, only now do I understand exactly the workings of their mind and how my interactions with this individual left me feeling so exhausted, ashamed, belittled, and cowering in fear. I see it as fascinating after a string of such individuals that then followed into my life, male and female (now i can say this because I have recovered) and say to you: You have indeed nailed it! Thank you!
Excellent video, like previous. But the problem is that they are so annoyingly and stubbornly persistent in digging in your life bout private or professional and you cannot get rid of them if they have picked you and if they are obsessed with you in negative way.
Thanks mate! From Victoria.
Really needed to understand what had happened so I can heal. You shine the light in the dark areas where I am still confused in the aftermath. So grateful.
what you say is thrue for me, i tell people my problems too easely an after this they juse it against me.
Your videos are above all the others on utube !!!!!!! Your voice is clear...your words educated....your approach are very knowledgeable and understandable......the drills didn't even bother me......I enjoy watching and learning about my horrendous life.......you are DEEPLY APPRECIATED !!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much...its getting clearer now.....maria
#1 & 2 were my mom to a tee. She loved a good 'project'! She was very attentive and loving and supportive when we were sick/needy/in trouble. The reason why she did this is the part that eludes me. Was it all a way to feel superior? Important? My therapist suggests perhaps it was when she felt safest to be vulnerable. I don't know!
On another note, aren't we codependent people pleasers, especially those who swoop in and try to fix or save others, aren't we in a way relishing in others'misfortunes? I mean, why are we perpetually attracted to these dysfunctional people? We are fulfilling our own needs. How is this different?
Nancy B my momther was similar. In my view, she was kind as a show for others to see. It was how she created evidence that she was a good person. It also put me into a sort of debt to her, so I felt obligated to her.
I just had to fix problems when children were young or young adults. If a mother doesn't care who will? Can't focus on myself until all is well again. It just hurts too much. It is not about how it looks to others at all. No body cares about helping your children. A normal mom gathers all her resources and takes care of her children. Don't understand this comment
OMG you explain so beautifully. All empaths need to hear this. Thanks