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Retroactive Jealousy OCD: Two Simple Tricks to Start Healing | RetroactiveJealousy.com
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
- When people ask me the question “Is retroactive jealousy a form of obsessive compulsive disorder?” I generally try to steer the conversation toward possible solutions, rather than discussing theory.
I do this because I think giving retroactive jealousy OCD an intimidating label such as “OCD” makes it seem bigger, scarier, and harder to overcome.
I’ve tried to avoid this as much as possible when writing for this blog, as well as in my guidebook and video course because I want you to see your retroactive jealousy for what it really is: something you can indeed overcome. Not some “disorder” you might have to “live with” indefinitely.
Whether or not you consider them “one in the same,” it’s clear that OCD and most experiences of retroactive jealousy have a great deal in common.
I have received numerous detailed emails from retroactive jealousy OCD sufferers over the years. Over time it has become clearer and clearer to me that many, if not most experiences of retroactive jealousy include symptoms that we can classify as falling under the label of OCD.
Still, there are a number of tactics and techniques we can borrow from the literature on OCD to help us regain control over our brains, and break free from the cycle of obsessive jealous thoughts associated with retroactive jealousy OCD.
Read the blog post: www.retroactiv...
Read/listen/watch dozens of retroactive jealousy OCD success stories, and learn more about my online course/private community at www.retroactiv...
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Check out my #retroactivejealousy blog: www.retroactiv...
Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy guidebook: www.retroactiv...
The Overcoming Jealousy Workbook: www.amazon.com...
"Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" online course + private community: www.retroactiv...
"The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint" online course + bonuses: www.jealousyco...
"Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" w/ One-on-One Coaching with Zachary Stockill: jealousy.samca...
One-on-One Coaching with Zachary Stockill: www.retroactiv...
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Struggling with constant thoughts about your partner's past? Read/listen/watch dozens of retroactive jealousy success stories, and learn more about my online course/private community at www.retroactivejealousy.com/course-open/
Thank you so much Zach!❤
@@Alchemist_171 You're welcome.
One thing is for sure they were not crying while having sex.
It is exactly gone the way we all think.
Ur method is worng
And ancestors were right in control of women's lives they knew what would destroy men mentally .
We are fucked up 😢
I didn’t know this bull shit I feel had a name. I thought it was just me being stupid.
Same here... I just got to know yesterday that this thing I'm feeling had a name n there are others like me...
Man you made me laugh out 😂😂cos I also didn't know this shit had a name. Now I can begin my healing process.
count me in guys. took me 10yrs to discover that this feeling had a name
I honestly just thought I was being stupid myself trying to find what’s wrong🤷🏽♂️ I actually became a bit more relieved finding out what’s wrong.
@@austinsantos450 My thoughts exactly. At least i know now what it is and can start working on it
I can't thank you enough for putting this information out there. My RJ has gotten to the point where I can't hear anything at all about my partner's past without feeling some kind of jealousy, anxiety, or nausea. Either she'll show me a photo on her Facebook memories of something from years ago and all I can think is that she was with that disgusting man at the time, or I just feel threatened by her socially active, exciting past. My intrusive thoughts in conjunction with my other psychological issues have progressed to where I'm practically avoiding any emotional or physical intimacy with her, and it makes me feel terrible.
Did u overcome it? Or did you broke up with her?
Wow, you just perfectly described my thinking patterns!
Did you overcome it? @@allisonmacrae381
Dude, I cannot believe that I am reading this. I feel exactly the same. I thought I was the only one.
Same here... It's very suffering but I have to act cool. Clearly I'm not the only one. Thanks for sharing!
Here I am at frickin 2am on a Tuesday looking for ways to stop being jealous of my boyfriends ex girlfriend from three years ago that is no longer in his life and was never even in my life and then finding out that this shitty and stupid behaviour of mine actually has a name.
Welp. Great. I think I'm delusional 😂
I'm right there with you! I obsess over a guy my wife briefly went out with when we were dating and well before we were exclusive (I too was seeing other people but of course that is FINE!!! LOL). I obsess FAR more about him than my wife ever did in the six months they went out! The description of phony movies in my head is right on! I too am an IDIOT!!!!
I'm here at 2:30 AM doing the same! How are things going now a year later for you?
What helps me most is reading through the comments of these videos and knowing it's not just me. So thank you folks. I know this is a tough emotion to deal with, but your stories and comments help by knowing I'm not alone in this.
Wish you the best man, im going through the same thing and its hard to have bad thoughts 💭... wishing the best for everyone ❤️
I feel exactly the same! We can all help each other through!! X
same
Me too, it felt like something was wrong with me but i’m so glad i’m not alone
I know! And because most of people think it doesn’t make sense just make me feel bad 😐
Man I love you. You just saved my life and relationship
Ha, now there's a gratifying comment. Glad it helped, Hex.
Zachary Stockill yea man honestly you saved me haha. Only yesterday I found out about retroactive jealousy and I've been dating this girl for almost 8 months now. I've been dealing with that since the very beginning and I did all of the things about type 3 RJ to try to find reassurance. I thought what I had wasn't normal and when I found out I wasn't the only one it gave me a sense if hope and when I found out about your work I felt instantly relieved trying out the techniques you talk about. So thank you again for putting out your work like this to help others like me
How is it now? RJ disappeared?
@@hex1473 Word for word exactly what I have been going through, bought Mr. Stockill's book today and it really helped. Hope you're doing well now.
@@stefanobiagiotti2705 you can definitely say that yes I'm still with the same girl we've been dating for over 2 years man happy relationship. Their past will never disappear you need to live with it
This is a life saver for me. Had no idea it had a name.
I’m a Soldier, and have experienced some hard things. None of it ever ate me up as bad as my wife’s past. It tore me up. I thought I was alone in this. I felt trapped. You have helped me in a way that is hard to describe. This is beatable now. I’m not crazy. I was just stuck in a mind trap of my own design.
Thank you so much. You have help save my marriage from potential disaster.
I feel you man. My gf is my first ever gf and i love her very much. Is just the thought of her past with her ex made me sick. The curiosity kills the cat. When i know i wasnt the first to have that intimate moment with her, it feels like only me that feel special because its my first while shes been doing this for fun. This is toxic, thats why im here to seek help before i start ruining my relationship. I love her very much
Lim Peh it’s beatable, I’m on the other side. You can do it !
@@CrayZtwin1 did you purchase the online course , or just read the book? Any suggestions appreciated
@@ssstuart0039 yes I used the course and still occasionally revisit parts. It was very useful. Particularly useful areas was the determination to break out of this false reality in my mind (getting out of my own head) and also understanding that memory rarely provides an accurate picture of reality. Also, the mental exercises, and decision to not entertain unhelpful or unhealthy thoughts and impulses was also very helpful. RJOCD has lost almost all its power over me because of all this, and I’m thankful. When it does surface occasionally, I know what it is, how to combat it, and how to take control. You can do it too!
@@CrayZtwin1 dude thanks a lot for taking the time to reply.. I think i am going to get the course. Living with this can be hell, as you well know, its encouraging to hear that this this bullshit is beatable. Thanks a lot bro. wishing you the best
Lol can’t believe I really have this problem, yikes, hope we all get through it
It's natural, not your problem.
This is my first relationship and I love my girlfriend so much. But whenever I remember that his ex (the only one) used her only for sexual activity, I can't stand it. And when talking about sex my gf tells me what are the things that turn her on I can't deal with it, because I think that she is rememembering her experiences with that guy (for example she told me that she reaches the point faster if I go down, which I haven't done yet, so immediately my mind creates an image of her getting eaten up with another guy). I just can't get it over
About it^
@@diegorosales7527 ?
What did you do about it to move on?
@@diegorosales7527 idk, I guess having sex frequently has helped me a little bit, but sometimes I still think about it. She hasn't told me anything more that turns her on since I have done pretty much everything with her at this point. Her telling me that I'm really good at it also helps me but it would be awesome if she told me that I'm better than her ex, because I can think the ex was better and that is terrible.
I liked it too when she told me that they didn't have much sex since she didn't let him use her.
@@Mathewkortxo bro I'm exactly like you
I feel so hurt by talking about my girlfriends past, but I can't stop. I have to know EVERYTHING about what she did so that I can fuel my jealousy and give myself satisfaction in knowing that I was right the whole time... Which is crazy and I'm never right. She told me how she's "hooked up" with three dudes in the past and I feel like I need to find out every detail of about these three hookups. It almost feels like she has cheated on me. It's an insane feeling and I do not want to feel this way, and I can feel her getting exhausted by it. It's truly terrible.
I know exactly how you feel. Its destroying me. But I can't get over the reality that she did sleep with those people, and it's not just a phony memory.
exactly how i feel, any updates?, did you get over it?
@@mrjamba4368 im going through it right now, it's terrible.
Hey man, just wanted to say I’m going through the exact same thing, have you found anyway to deal with this issue, my girlfriend is the love of my life and I too feel like she’s getting tired of this feeling of mine so please if you have somehow managed to deal with this, please share the secret with me
Can relate to the feeling cheated on part, really. Did it get better?
you are a legend. thank you. i’m going to work on myself and i thank you for saving my relationship
This is definitely going to save my relationship too.
Wish you the best man, im going through the same thing and its hard to have bad thoughts 💭... wishing the best for everyone ❤️
Me too! I really don’t want to lose my bf
This is the first video I've watched on your channel and it's helped immensely. I felt like you were describing me to a tee. And sometimes just knowing there's someone else out there who experiences the same things as you and that you're not alone is enough to calm the anxiety. Thank you for this.
Sary You’re quite welcome.
Don't waste your time on jealousy
Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind
The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself
What I found is retroactive jealousy is basically a control issue where we try to control our partners experience for fear that they may abandon us. You have to work on your abandonment issues and this stuff will naturally go away. Soon you will be able to allow your partner to have experiences in his or her life And hope that they had a happy experiences!
Mike L my boyfriend has had control issues with me since I met him. And when the relationship got serious and I opened up to him about my past his control issues got worse. Now that we live together he tortured himself everyday. I’m watching these videos to understand because although he has a pass far worse than mine. I don’t feel this jealousy. So I’m trying to understand and help
@@carolinestacey7928
Props to you. Bravo
@@carolinestacey7928 That is truly commendable. I stuggle with this and it really matters that you've decided to try and help him instead of giving up.
My boyfriend has a surprisingly high bed count compared to me and I can't seem to get over it. Thank you for this video.
What an eye opener. I had no idea that what I have been suffering with for too damn long has an actual name. Watching your video was like watching a window into my brain and circular, futile thought processes. It also explains my chronic stomach problems. I have a wonderful boyfriend and I love him SO much. I feel awful for all that I have put him through with my ruminations and checking and seeking constant reassurance from him. He deserves a medal for being so patient with me
Glad you found the video helpful, Alana.
I gave up on love. I can't change even after going to therapy. And the fact I'm getting older it makes me not even consider dating anyone just from the fact that its almost guaranteed they have a past. So I guess some of us aren't fit to love.
I'm almost considering that 😢
I'm only 25 but I'm not going to lie to you I've been dealing with retroactive jealousy since the beginning of high school. It has ruined relationships for me. Stunted the hell out of my intimate relationships and has truly tormented me. I saw therapy but also in the process began experimenting with different pharmaceutical prescriptions that a psychologist can prescribe. Turns out I had deeper underlying issues and exhibited symptoms of bipolar disorder which can also include obsessive compulsive thoughts. Took me a few different medications over the course of the last three years but I can honestly say that these past nine months since I finalize my dosage and medication I have been largely retroactive jealousy free. While I still will occasionally get retroactive jealousy I believe with the aid of medication my symptoms of obsessiveness have subsided. Which has allowed me to deeper analyze why I feel the way I do without the obsessive side effects that come along with these thoughts. All in all what I'm getting at is I am not old but I have truly been hurt by retroactive jealousy and personally I can attest to certain medications drastically improving my life. My girlfriend and I just celebrated our one-year anniversary. Her and I have shared beautiful open conversations about our own Mental Health and while life isn't perfect I want you to know that there are ways to beat this horrible compulsive mental disease.
I feel exactly the same way
@@Uniqueusername2 what medication did you take if you mind me asking? I feel like these could help me. Thank you.
marry a woman from a conservative country
You just kept me from breaking up with my legit soul-mate. What the fuck I'm actually crying right now. Thanks
I am also struggling.. finally found a man who loves me, cares for me... But the jealousy thing is about to ruin it and i cant seem to help myself 😭
How has it been for you? I hope you were able to overcome this terrible emotion!
I feel like my RJ is extreme. I can hear words and it'll trigger me or I can see her doing something and imagine it being sexual or something she's done with an ex-boyfriend. I ask her tons of questions and she has the choice to tell me or not and she does, and when she does, I don't fully believe it most of the time which is not fair to her because she's been honest enough to tell me and I can't give her the benefit of the doubt by just trusting her. I feel like shit all the time because your video is right, I do imagine things in my head the way I see things now. I imagine our sex but with her exes and I can feel my heart sink to my stomach. I've been with more women than she's been with men, twice as many (11 to her 5) and I feel bad because I know I've done what she's done but I know what she's done but it goes back quite a ways to never feeling special. It goes back to my insecurities and not keeping busy doing things. She has her exes blocked and I do as well because she does get jealous and that has really helped but you can't block out thoughts. I'm worried she thinks about her exes when we do things. Cuddling, sex, watch a movie, going for a walk, anything. This isn't because I think about my exes and I'm just paranoid, because I don't. I want to go a day without thinking things, I wish everything would just vanish for a while so I can enjoy this relationship. She's told me things like she doesn't value sex more than love which is definitely new in this society and it's also hard to believe especially because I was at College but I guess not everybody is the same.
She's an amazing woman, the love of my life. She's always there to reassure me when I need it. I used to ask her the same questions every single day until I realized that's what insanity is. But it wasn't me expecting a different answer, it was seeing if I would get a different answer because I have severe trust issues. I don't have trust issues or any insecurities when I'm not in a relationship, but I feel as though this woman is the love of my life, and she's never been told that. Her exes are all cheaters and abusers and were never good to her but she was too scared to leave them. I asked her to be my wife and she said yes. We're still in college but this is my last year and so we're waiting a bit for the wedding. I'm super excited because she's never been in love before, because we've both been through relationships where we thought something was love, but love wears a mask sometimes and we're so blinded by it all the time that we forget to look closer and harder. We sometimes have to date people to find out what we truly hate so at the end of the day, be with the people we know we love.
thanks for sharing man
Consider this: she will grow resentful and leave you if you don't stop it! She's with you out of choice. People are free to choose. You should seek professional help, because you have issues from childhood that need to be resolved. Don't wait til it's too late! And I know this, because I am wise...
@@donnieluc6830 Not to be rude, but you can't just assume it's because of my childhood. I grew up with 5 siblings and a mother and a father in a nice neighborhood. I played sports and did well in school. Also, if I were to get advice from anyone, I'd rather it be from Zach.
@@Smitty617 So did I.
I would say you have ADD, not to be rude...
Donnie Luc why ADD and not regular OCD. Curious. I’m older. Great woman. Fantastic. But can’t get by specific person for reasons. Therapist I had no use. Been to therapy before but I’m suffering. It’s cycles. For 9 months. Used to be weekly. Now every two weeks. Feeling ok. Holiday on my mind. Then sadness at thoughts. Trying to control them. Not bring it up. Then caving. Shane. Withdrawal. Anger. Only about one person. My details would make any of you obsess. I have no control in it. Why ADD. Not OCD.
I thought I was the only one that struggled with this and to know it has a name.. thank you so much for your help
holy crap I needed to hear all this stuff mate! thank you so much Zach. I have been dealing with the thoughts of my wifes promiscuous past for a long time now, it sometimes devours hours of my time and I can't concentrate or work or anything. this already seems to be helping.
I'm glad you're finding my work helpful, Shaun.
hey shaun! has it become any better?
@Shaun Cullen I'm right there with you brother. I hope all is well and know your wife loves you. Being told my wife's experiences made her become the person I love today helped a lot. Either way it's tough and it was comforting reading your comment and know I'm not alone in this.
@@joshthejedi1224 Chalk up another one in the exact same boat as you guys. It is/was consuming me but after finding this info and his site tonight it offers me some hope
Same man...i can't concentrate on my work at all.
I am going through this now with a partner of 5 months. She made a stupid comment a few weeks a go about her ex and it hasn't left my brain since. We had our first argument last night which now I realise is all because of RJ. This is the first time I have ever experienced feelings like this before and I have no idea what to do, but your videos are really amazing and are helping me understand what RJ is and how I can overcome it and, hopefully, will save my new relationship from breakdown.
Whenever you gf is still friends with exes even if you know they aren't doing things you get triggered and keep having a vicious cycle. I don't want to have these thoughts it's making me sick and I'm being distant to her she doesnt deserve that
I can understand bro only one way remember you too have self esteem she doesn't deserve you
Dont really think people should be friends with people theyve slept with. Its disrespectful
As a soon to be 43 year old male this jealousy hit me hard and was really insecure and just wasn't myself but I knew it and felt trapped basically inside my own mind. What really helped me was getting my testosterone level checked and now take testosterone and I feel alot better and even my wife says I'm not the same person I was 3 yrs ago being super jealous of things that happened years ago. Also when you have those thoughts tell yourself hey this thought is not welcome and needs to go away.
wow that is really interesting. can you please tell what were your T levels before you started trt?
Mate I tested myself privately for testosterone levels and it came back low. I honestly think there's a connection between testosterone and insecurity/RJ OCD, I'm pleased u mentioned that. On the face of it I shouldn't have low T as I look after myself and have played competitive sports including boxing but u can't take things like that for granted.
Holy crap. Ive been struggling with this for a minute now. I had those thoughts a couple of months ago, and i tried just forgetting about them, ignoring them. But I recently started thinking about them again. But man does this video help me understand better. Its not me its OCD. Thank you so much for this video. This helps me a lot.
Anybody feel like your mood changes when let’s say you hear something new about her past or stumble upon a photo of her with her ex ? I noticed I get this anxiety or distant and it’s really Interfering with us moving forward
Dude honestly... I just found out that this shit has a name and that alone already helps somehow a little bit! Already ordered your book and cant wait to get this shit out of my head and finally start to have a even more beautiful relationship with my girlfriend. Thank you so much!!
Thanks for the support, Pello.
Good info here. Another tool to detach - therapists recommend saying, “I don’t know what these feelings mean, so I’m not going to act on them.”
My retroactive jealousy came on when I heard from multiple people (including the girl in question, mind you) that she had a hyper sexual past, one-night stands left and right and very questionable sexual choices in general, seemingly being purposefully used for sex during a period when she was also heavily drinking. She tried to explain it away as some sort of coping mechanism because she had a very troubled growing up and abusive, controlling parents. This is true but I still didn't feel like it could excuse the decision making in the past. We all have our baggage but that's not an excuse for irresponsible decision-making over and over and over again for years. The worst part is, she wanted to wait a while before being sexual with me because she "really liked me and wanted to take things slow". Imagine knowing that a bunch of guys had sex with your girl within hours of meeting her and then she tells you she wants to wait a while to have sex with you because she LIKES you. I ended the relationship today, before it even really had time to properly begin. But I think in this case it was warranted.
The takeaway here is that most of the time retroactive jealousy is unwarranted and a problem you have to deal with yourself, but sometimes there are genuine parts of a person's past that should trigger alarms in your head. There are genuine red flags when going into a relationship, so while the advice in this video is great for people who are unjustifiably making a bigger deal out of someone's past than it really is, try to remember that there is still such a thing as a deal breaker, and it's up to YOU to decide what is and isn't a deal breaker. Zachary himself actually mentions this in one of his texts that I read online. You shouldn't interpret this video as "I must get over my partner's past no matter what". Instead, you should interpret it as "am I actually correct about my partner's past or is my jealousy making a much worse picture than it actually is?" Sadly, the reality is sometimes just as bad or worse than you imagine it and you should be aware of that as well.
EvilTim1911 thank you ! Good choice
I actually had a similar situation and made the same decision. However my OCD didn't stop immediately after breaking-up, intrusive thoughts have been there for a while... what about you? OCD disappeared at the moment you broke up?
You make an extremely good point. Inventing a clinical term to describe a "condition" and trying to pretend the past "doesn't exist" or that since you can't have "EXACT 100% facts" about your ex's past means you should close your eyes, ignore whatever the past is and assume you are just a bad/sick person for trying to go deeper into it is ridiculous and delusional. Your partner's past MATTERS if you decide that it matters. Of course you might regret looking into it and finding truths... Or you might regret causing drama for no good reasons. Like so many other things, whatever choice you make can end up being the right one or the wrong one depending on what you actually find out or not. Ignoring signals and blindly closing your mind to the past can be a really dumb strategy, IN PARTICULAR if you're thinking of marriage. There ARE a lot of people who'd rather "not know" about things that can cause pain: this video is really targeting these people. I prefer to face truth, always. That said, there's a fine line between facing truths versus encouraging one's paranoia... The number one questions I'd ask myself if I'd suffer from retroactive jealousy are: "what is causing me to mistrust my partner?" and "what is causing me to feel devalued?" I mean, I don't think retroactive jealousy can exist when there's high trust and feelings of being highly valued between partners - so that's where it starts.
By the way, this is indeed something that women have completely wrong, this really DUMB idea that "oh, I did all these crazy things with all these guys on so many one nights but hey, I LIKE this guy so much that I'm going to MAKE HIM WAIT. Hand in hand with that same "logic", the "red pill" view that women will do EVERYTHING with random alphas, but RESTRAIN what the sex they will allow with their actual life partner!! A real recipe for disaster, if you ask me.
Your story was very interesting. And I definitely think you took the best decision...(not that it has any importance whether I agree or not, ha ha...)
Sure, if you’re a Christian or something and you have a warped perception of morality It makes sense that you would lose your respect for sexually active people, but I think that’s still something you should actively fight against and try to improve about yourself.
Edit: I’m not a feminist, soyboy or cuck, I just legitimately don’t think there is anything morally wrong about that
I disagree with your conclusion, even though I know I would struggle very badly to overcome RJ in this scenario.
What you described sounds like healthy behaviour from the girl. Her understanding that her promiscuity was a coping response, impulsive, etc.
Her wanting to wait for sex because she liked you, take that out of the equation, that takes great self-control and self-awareness.
I absolutely envy those who have zero RJ because they can land and retain people who are more emotionally evolved. Land those with healthy levels of communication etc.
Not trying to give you a hard time, but I felt compelled to defend this abstract girl because I commend the honesty and self-awareness you described about her.
There is the reason why young girls and men should keep virginity until they get married. The reason is so simple because keep virginity can prevent Retroactive Jealousy. If you are a virgin, your partner will not hurt from retroactive jealousy in your married life. It is so beautiful too. Unfortunately, there are a few men and women who care at this point.
Or at least keep it down to under 5 and get rid of them completely after the end of a relationship, no photos, or Facebook.
This video is just nothing but a blessing I truly feel like I’m on a path to freedom!
This is my first relationship. We’ve been dating from almost 2 years. I don’t make up things tbh but I ask her to tell me details about everything and practically saying, she really had a relationship like in movies not sweet and romantic but like sexual and fun. It makes me feel bad about how inexperienced I am. I am always curious to know what it was like dating that guy so I ask her everything about it.
I found out whatever he did to her were all I used to imagine doing with her and knowing she already experienced all that hurts. Her ex was a stud he was a womaniser and I used to be a simp lol. I don’t compare myself to him at all I know what I am good at. But the thing is she’s experienced she’s done everything ugh I literally spoke to multiple therapists lmao nothing ever changed I don’t want to feel this but I still want to blame her past and don’t want to feel sorry for what I am doing for her with these jealousy mood swings and sh*t.
My gf is white and it hurts thinking she's had bbc in her past. Makes me feel insecure of my size since she described the biggest she's ever had was 10 inches from a black guy. Help what do I do
@@mikeolithory898 if you find it hard to get over it and always face it. its better to break up, it will help both of you but at least for the next committed relationship work on your RJ OCD
I think I'm going to buy enhancement pills so I can feel better about my size. After that, I don't think I'll want to be in a committed relationship, maybe I'll just be a player.. I'll be known as coochie assassin
I connect with most of the comments stating that they need to know every detail in order to satisfy what my gf did in the past. I feel like knowing everything will fulfill my thought of not knowing the full story. But In reality if you believe in a higher power, I feel as if some of our bodies can’t handle the thoughts of the past because our bodies are programmed to feel the feelings that you have with one person… sex is far from an act, it connects the two people that do it spiritually(soul ties). That’s why waiting until marriage is a big thing because your body becomes attached to the one special person you do it with the first time. And after you understand that, you see that thinking about your partner doing sexual acts with someone else because you know the ex has been doing what you are doing now with your partner. It is definitely a mind game but that is how I view it and believe with practice it will get better…. It’s hard to get over it because you just can’t imagine your partner being with someone else doing sexual things…
I had his past thrown in my face unwelcomed too many times that I’m afraid I have no control over getting over it cuz I can’t escape it. I had slight retroactive jealous in past relationships and it ruined my attraction. But with my man now I feel I am truely in love and nothing can take that away, however unwanted thoughts make me withdraw from him. This week has been the worst and it’s getting more intense.
MLD&NLD the person I dated had a few sexual partners with people I worked with. I didn’t know about it until other people started to bring up his past to me. My heart would sink everytime and I’d feel disgusted. I worked there for a year and ultimately those feelings never left until I left that circle. It was the only way out of that cycle of thoughts and feelings for me.
same here
So grateful to have found this. Im not alone !!! Im not insane!!
Im working hard on this!
I think that i was the only ine that happen this to me..very helpful video
This is all me.. including the detective part where I looked through all of my wife’s college photos,, scrapbooks and I did the same for her high school keepsakes, photos and yearbook. All in an effort to complete the story that I could never nor should ever ask her about.
Damnnn!!!!! You are so good. This information is like gold to me! I suffer with this and now I clearly understood what is it actually that is bothering me. Thank you so much for this video.
Thank you for this video, it really help me a lot with my relationship now. I don't want to give up my boyfriend, I want him to recover and heal.
Zach. Thank you, truly. I can’t say that it has worked yet, as I’ve just seen your video, but you capture the thoughts and process running through my head perfectly. I have struggled with RJ OCD for all of my life. I’m at the age where I’ve just started to realize it taking ahold of my thoughts around my partner. Thank you for providing me a way to hopefully shell the thought out.. I’ll try, and I’ll keep on looking for ways to better myself.
I m 35. Are 14 years that i fight with this problem. I also have depression and bpd. 5 years ago i had my last boyfriend, then i decide to live alone Forever. Because the pain is too much. One month ago another guy come in to my Life. I thought that there was a reason. Well all' my problems come s back....he left me...and now i m in pain so bad. I cry all day. I miss him so much...but i know that if he come back...my fears and my jealous comes back. So sad
Weirdmanu, I have suffered from extreme jealousy in relationship for a looooooong time. My father is a narcissist, and I believe that the invalidation and lack of security as child (of his), has definitely led to this debillitating condition I now have. Its ruined my life! After my parents divorced when I was 8, my mom left to go back to Australia. My dad convinced me to stay with him, because, according to him, he couldn't handle it if I were to leave too. Omfg. Then, within weeks of mom leaving, he is dating other women and neglecting my needs. It broke me. It really did. I felt like a nothing.
I'm 33, this shit has destroyed my life. I have suffered from it since I was 18. I cannot have a normal relationship. My second girlfriend had no past, and those were the only three happy years of my life. Selflishly so, cause she was my second. The first time I felt this way, I thought I would go crazy. The second time, seven years later, after thinking I had overcome it, I thought I would die. Now, another seven years down the road, it's back stronger than ever. I'm having suicidal thoughts. This is a nightmare.
I hope you get the professional help you need ASAP.
@@ZacharyStockill I don't think I will ever harm myself, but the idea of spending two years obsessing over the same excruciatingly painful things over and over again, like I did last time, makes me want to give everything up and be on my own forever. Thank you for caring, anyway.
Every single piece of advice this video gives is 100% accurate. And appropriate to me.
I also felt like this in my daily life for the Past 10 years been married to my wife until now...and i felt sorry to my wife...! My wife spoked to me evrytime when i burst my anger. she told me that, "she's the one to blame why i am becoming like this terribly"but in my heart i felt so sad why she's telling me that. My wife is perfect and i love her soo much . . . The problem is i dont have a peaceful mind everytime i remember her past.
LOUIE ANGELO SACEDOR I hope things get better for you ❤️
All these people as well as me trying to deal with the fact that they can’t live this way with there partner forever
My situations with this RJ stuff is so messed up. So basically my girlfriends first love is in the same class as me, when school started my gf and him were together and i didn’t even know her, me and the guy were kind of classmate friends. Eventually they broke up and me and my gf got really close. The guy was not that big of a friend of mine, we would just chat during class now and then. Now when me and my gf are very close it kills me thinking about him being her first love and him taking her virginity and him being the one that made her experience everything first. It kills me thinking about this and er ex who goes with me in class doesn’t even know that we are dating. I can’t look at him without starting to feel anxiety and RJ.
I had this quite badly back in 2006 with my ex. It made my relationship no fun, and ultimately made me so miserable I had to end it. It began to happen again with a couple more girls I began to get close with, but ended it before it could manifest it again. Glad it has a name now. It's definitely a mental illness but seems very real when your in it.
It's a lie when people say it come out of nowhere. It doesn't. It's usually rooted in past abandonment or trauma manifesting in the present. It's a defense mechanism.
Insecurity for me. Always trying to compare yourself to her past lovers it's a losers game you're never going to win against the evil voice in your head
@kevh7941 Yes also it cab be a disgusting thing, like they're unclean or un-pure. Of its in your face or in your mind, its best to find someone with less of a past
@@bwilliamson3887 thing is with mine she hasn't got much of a past, but the evil RJ makes it out to be much worse than it is. Luckily I'm starting to beat the demons with the help of Zach's material, I hope u do too mate
So last night I had honestly what I can only describe as a relapse if you will. I’m on some meds for bipolar and OCD and to be honest my retroactive jealousy has not been a major problem since I made the medication shift almost 9 months ago. My RJ used to be absolutely horrible it made me contemplate ending things it made me incapable of having a relationship.
I’m in a wonderful relationship with a beautiful woman who understands my triggers and what not. Unfortunately last night she mentioned some thing that in hindsight she shouldn’t have. She apologize profusely. Damage was done though and for some reason my RJ got triggered and I couldn’t sleep all night.
I’m already feeling better but honestly last night just freaked me out because it reminded me of how bad it used to be all the time. Are there any support groups you guys know of where people like me and you and everyone reading this and watching this video can talk?
This man is a life saver. Thank you dearly & much love!
Anyone here who overcame the same situation we all have? Pls tell me. Im on the verge of losing my relationship because of this ocd
GreatLuch 98 Dozens of retroactive jealousy success stories from students and clients on this page: www.retroactivejealousy.com/retroactive-jealousy-success-stories/
I did man. Here’s some good advice my friend told me about this situation. He said there is no point in being jealous or thinking horrible thoughts about it, instead of shaming your gf, you could ask what did she learn?
That’s helped me.
Instead of thinking horrible thoughts blah blah blah I now just think, I’m sure she had fun and learned something.
Thank you for this. I am studying to become a counsellor and I would like my marked presentation to be on this topic. I wouldn't say I've done this myself in previous relationships, but my ex partner was very secretive about his past so I found myself digging for info after we split, mainly because he was so obsessed with my past. He used to get upset because I wasn't a virgin or I hadn't met him first etc. He always used my past against me, but he was a sociopathic narcissict, so I guess this type of thing is 'normal' for them. I'm glad you're bringing awareness to this, especially for those who don't fall into the narcissist or misogynist category
I did much worse than this. I have hacking skills. I hacked her ex bf work email, social media and other email accounts. He was evil to my wife and left some major mental scars. I sent an email from his companies account signed by him of course and sent a confession to all of his colleagues and senior managers. Suffice to say he left the company but this did not help my retroactive jealousy. The solution is inside of you. No matter how all consuming and painful it is, you can find a solution....I don’t have the answers yet but I will find them
mike evans Do you also have bo staff skills, Napoleon?
Props to you for admitting that RJ was so unbearable that you took measures that you admit were not healthy, and thank you for stating that ultimately, it didn't fix anything.
In my experience, the thoughts have driven me to fantasize about extreme things that feel like they'd help soothe the feelings. Absolutely.
Thanks for sharing.
Great video! Wow. It is so awesome to see someone see a problem in the world and dedicate their life to make a change. Beautiful! We thank you.
Damn I didn’t know this was a thing. Cause of this shit I’m ruining our relationship I feel like I’m going to lose my shit people I need help but don’t know where to look for help :(
My retroactive jealousy is so bad its ruined me .
Wanna hear something sad ? My first girlfriend ever was about 10 yrs ago , we dated for 3 years . I cant remember in detail any night we spent together , everything is a blur ....
BUT I can tell you in vivid detail every guy shes banged before , how and where it happened . Ive lived those stories so much at the time that thats all I remember .
Its a special kind of hell that I feel with every girl im with .
Nothing helps
Thank you for taking time to make educational videos like this. I'm a good looking guy. Never had anything past normal jealousy and insecurities. Met this girl and learned some things and I was so in love. I spiraled down a dark path. Took it out on her. Interrogating her. Coming off as an ass alot. Read all of this, on Google after realizing i had a problem but for some reason, your video and how you created it,, Maybe even just hearing your voice and how you interpret this OCD. Really helped and helped me figure out more in depth of myself. So thanks bro, much love.
THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW. Thank you for this.
ive always thought that i was the most awful person for feeling such negative and jealous ways, i never want to feel this way i want to be normal and not be bothered by it at all. it causes me to feel suicidal and worthless
Wow this is spot on for me. Thanks for the guidance
This is very helpful! very practical!
I’m struggling with her past it’s doing my head in! Tried everything but can’t see past it! I’m obviously very insecure and probably better off on my own.
if that is the case you've been defeated by RJ my friend
@Dylan Orlando
But it's him who created it n if he created it then he is way more stronger than OCD !!
Please don't give up :)
I can’t stop stalking her exes on social media and feel so insecure when I see that they are doing better financially or whatever because my mind tells me they’ll leave me for the “better” ones. Now, she’s not someone who goes after material things but it’s just that my mind is acting all crazy. It’s physically draining, this cycle of stalking them and feeling insecure. I want this to stop and hopefully I can be better :(
This is me. I appreciate these videos so much.
i’ve been with my boyfriend for around 8 months now. during the recent months, we’ve been off and on with our “label” but have not changed any of our behavior. i know that he has traumatic history, which he has gone to counseling for. however, he says his therapists made him feel at fault for everything, ie. his behavior, the way he speaks to people, etc. but a good therapist should be finding the source/root cause of why he is the way that he is. anyways, every so often he becomes distant with me for approximately a night because he cannot stand the idea of me being with another guy in my past. it mostly is a sexual thing for him, he doesn’t enjoy the idea that i have done anything sexual with anyone but him. he acts this way towards me randomly, so i have tried asking him what triggers him to get these thoughts and i’ve tried searching for patterns to see what happens previously to result in these thoughts, but i can’t seem to find anything. a lot of the time it’s after we had a really good day, but when he’s alone with his thoughts they come and taunt him. he claims that they are always there and that nothing “triggers” them. i started digging a few months in and discovered retroactive jealousy ocd. i finally opened up to him and expressed that this is something that i believe he has. i am not going to list everything that he does/has done to show symptoms but i am 99% he has it. i’ve talked to him about counseling or therapy for it and he is beyond against the idea of it. i asked him why he views it as such a bad thing and he stated “because other people don’t need to know the shit going on in OUR relationship especially bc there’s not gonna be a change of outcome”. i make sure that he understands that it is okay to feel the things that he does and that it takes time to heal, but no matter what i say, it doesn’t help. i reassure him constantly and have tried to rid his thoughts but it is out of my control. i’m lost on what to do and want to reach out for help. however, because he is against the idea of counseling or therapy, i am turning towards researching it and gaining the best understanding of it that i can. i will never leave him, despite this inconvenience. my main goal is to help him move past this, but he has such a negative outlook on it and we both don’t know how to solve it. i won’t quit trying until i have found an effective way to heal him and his invasive thoughts, but it is so hard to do when he is not willing to reach out to outside resources. i even asked if i could go to counseling and apply their advice to our relationship, but again “no one needs to know about the stuff in our relationship”. if anyone has any advice for me, i would deeply appreciate it. he is a stubborn man but i am convinced that, with time, he will be able to move past it.
Each and every word said by you is just truth Thanks for guiding me
What helps you bro?
I'm single but I know I would be uncomfortable being with someone who has a promiscuous past. I've known people with over 30 sex partners and I immediately lose interest. More than 5 already makes me uncomfortable, but more than 10 is usually a deal breaker for me.
How tf are you reading my mind. Your questions are brutally straight wtf. Thank you so much.
Here is very good thing to tell your brain when this occurs and I found is so very much helpful " you are a piece of shit , brain ! we got a long road ahead of us and we gotta stay calm dude "
Haha thanks. Yep there are much more important worldly issues going on right now. I will try this line.
@@JoLoughrey aye bro
Wish you the best man, im going through the same thing and its hard to have bad thoughts 💭... wishing the best for everyone ❤️
Thanks for your words of wisdom definitely needed to hear that and take what you were sharing into consideration . God bless you bro
My problem is that my gf lied to me about how many people she slept with and also the time frame. It's not just that I'm jealous but she also destroyed my trust and I dont know how to fix things. It would have hurt if she told me before we started dating but she lied to me for 3 months and didnt tell me she had slept with her ex 1 week before we started dating. I dont know what to do
Very good information. .Before I think I am the only one with that RJ. .But trust me brother this Rj ocd will never be fix untill we compromise
Omg and here i was thinking i was crazy and alone i thought it was Boarderline personality disorder or something thank you for putting a face to my feelings
I can’t believe there’s a word for what I am doing for a long time now. Thanks to you, now I know ❤️😘
. . . Thank you . . . I thought I was the only one, or at least a bad person for thinking like this, but this helps me a lot with moving on. 💛
I've been struggling with this my whole relationship,it gave me ease thank you
Glad to hear.
i just felt this. thankyou for helping me. i need to focus on present. i shouldnt be thinking those that happened before. thankyou for this video
Eckhatrt tolle helps me a lot with the thought issue
Thanks man, need this kind of words.
You're very welcome, Laurens.
Thank you. I needed this
Thank you very much for helping.
i just think that i am suffering from retroactive jealousy. he is my first boyfriend ever and i am not his first. he's my FIRST in everything and i feel so mad and sad at the same time that my boyfriend had sexual experiences with his past relationships. every time i see him, that's all i think about. it feels like i'm being cheated on when it's not. i can feel him getting annoyed by this kind of behaviour of mine where i always bring up his past because i can't help it. i feel disgusted, annoyed, and sad that he had exes. just thinking about it makes me stressed tf out. i can't go into details because it hurts me so baaaad 😭😭 it's my fault as well 'coz i keep on asking him about it. i'm so curious about what else they did and after getting answers, BAM, stabs in the heart. help
omg this is incredibly helpful please keep up your good work!!
Thankyou. I'm going to keep working on myself. I know I will come out a better person.
I hope this works 😔I want to help my boyfriend overcome this one for him.
Thank you for helping i really ned it rn. Im so glad i search it up and found you. ITS NOT ME ITS RJ!
Thanks Zach, great video!
I had this, but the worst part was he would also throw in comments about how much he enjoyed it with the past ones while also not giving me any, not once, concrete statements that he preferred being with me nor did he ever compliment me positively in that way. That guy was horrible.
Woow I wished I would've known this before I lost the love of my life, I will have this knowledge from now on and when I get back with her I will be better equiped.
Thank you so much
I can't even express how thankful I'm
But I want to put it in simple words
Thank you so much for this video
Time is the one cure that always works.
Ray Martini unless you have terminal cancer
Not this. You can struggle all your life
Thank u man this was beyond helpful...
It's all cool, but does it matter if one suffering from RJ has the "exact" mental movie in their head? Yes, it's not "precise", it's a brain trick and you're right. But the fact alone causes the anxiety, shame and pain on it's own, no matter if one has that movie in their head.
Can you help find a clue to disintegrate one's mind from that?
The problem is it’s always facts. Because I know the details about his sexual past due to my countless questions I asked at the beginning of the relationship
And even if the situation was not 100% like I imagine it the pure fact he had sex with other women hurts me so much I can’t describe it
The only option is to start challenging your perspectives.
Thanks, Zachary.
xoxo The Clarences
You are the best man !!
Great work Sir.
Thank u so much! Hugs from Germany
just finding out about this,makes it so much easier dealing with it,it's crazy... xD
Thanks a lot , I’ll start practicing !
Glad to hear!