@@casper1343 getting to know yourself, going to therapy, understanding what you need and how you respond to the needs of other people. Becoming someone that you would like to date.
I have high standards for personality, and decent standards for physical attractiveness. Basically I am not exclusively looking for a greek goddess of a woman, but more like someone who really values morals and virtue that I am at the very least attracted to physically
@@fiftyzanes probably. So you are not sure. You pay more attention on what you want to get than what are you offering. That Is the root of the problem, i think.
@@giacomobandini969 i said "probably" because i'm talking about a stranger so it would be ridiculous for me to speak with absolute certainty. most of the time, the standards people hold others to are the standards they hold *themselves* to in the first place (which is literally mentioned in the video), hence my comment. lastly why are you making assumptions about me when you know nothing about me?
Most people claim they have high standards. But truth is they are afraid and dont qualify for the standards they set for themselves. The standards is a wall of fear. Because when they meet the person that meet those standards, they self sabotage or they do not qualify for that person
Personally I do have high standards that I do meet myself (despite my flaws, of course). Thing is if I met someone who meets my criteria, it’s always going to feel weird because there’s like this list to check off, and I feel like that would be unfair to them
All, checklist. No chemistry. People have high standards but completely forget the human aspect of a relationship. Never considered that the perfect guy might be boring, awkward, loud, quiet or other any number of things that might make two people incompatible that have nothing to do with status and morals, it's just who they are. And what if the other person just doesn't like you. Then what? You might be the biggest, juiciest, peach that ever graced the god's green earth, but buddy likes mangos. You think he's gonna change his taste buds for you? Maybe he might, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of not accepting anything less than ideal? Not to mention THE BIGGEST ISSUE. A lot of people with high standards just don't know HOW to be in a relationship anymore. All those standards have kept you single for so long that now... All you know is how to be single. All you like, is being single. You don't have room and don't want to make room in your life for someone else. Not even prince charming.
@@HenriqueM-jh1ye basically everything but Character. Then want to claim he was a narcissist when he was the same person from day one they just ignored it
Depends on the type of standard. Standards should not be about traits but about how you want to feel and be treated. You need someone who will make you a priority and never settle for anything less. But you can "settle" on things that don't matter
Met my husband on a dating app, and as much as I adapted my approach over several months to try and find a better fit, I met him based on chance, very little information and it came down to a gut feeling. We decided we wanted to be together based on how we negotiate conflict. As much as we got along and laughed a lot, knowing we could work together through anything is what made it easy to commit. While it's good to have boundaries, having too many rules makes it a perfectionist fantasy, which leaves little room for people to be themselves.
@proniaantolia9568 💯 also going into it prioritizing your expectations or way of doing things might make it so you miss out on learning a new shared approach. Both people should feel respected and heard while negotiating what works best, which will always be different based on the demands of the relationship, that will change over time.
dating apps have really fucked with the way people see dating. they scroll through profiles like they're online shopping, they have lists of requirements like theyre making a fucking sim. please remember the other person is a human being too
This creator is absolutely right when she says dating *IS NOT* effortless, that it is work, but totally wrong when she says love *IS* effortless. Love, like any feeling, is fleeting, and because of that is more of an action than a just a feeling. There will be points in time of a long-term relationship, especially one of decades (15 or 20 years+) where you may not feel as a attracted to, or affectionate towards your partner, but in those moments loving them is still doing the work. It is still showing up for the relationship, communicating the issues, doing the small and large things that make a relationship work, and if none of those things can fix the lack of affection or emotion then yes, love can also be leaving that person. ALL OF THIS IS EFFORT. Even when you decide to leave someone you've lost emotions for it is actually an act of selfless love, and it will hurt like hell for the both of you, so many people decide to stay after reaching the point where leaving is the only loving option left because of their selfish desire for comfort and staying with what is familiar whilst hurting their partner at the same time by doing so. If you go into relationships thinking that love is effortless, the you are not mentally setting yourself up for the realities of a loving long-term relationship like the ones many of our grandparents or even parents are in.
THIS!!!! And it's also good to remind that with all those attachment styles, different relational wounds and traumas, different mechanisms, everyone will react and behave differently so for some people it may be effortless and for other it may comes really hard, but that does not instantly mean that they picked a wrong partner. And I'm speaking for myself. I'm a big time fearful avoidant, I had mostly bad experiences and my main mechanism is to withdraw. But I'm also in a relationship with someone who's sooo loving and good and just everything I could wish for and YET I sometimes struggle with love towards them because that love isn't within me in the first place. I have to actively work on breaking the walls that I've created throughout life and reaching towards love to be able to feel it towards my partner. And I'm proud to say that I'm doing great! But if I listened to my avoidant and maximising tendencies I'd lose an amazing person that I love. I just prefer to see this struggle as an opportunity to heal. But most people see the struggle as a reason to quit. A mindset change is really important here.
Its an insecure question, but: would a relationship then really be worth anything? Why would you want to be with a person you don't love anymore while you dream about feeling love again? I dunno. Its one of the many reasons I gave up on dating a long time ago. It just really seems not worth it, and the thought that my partner would lose interest in me and dream about someone better is a little really not it for me.
@@peachwhite-333 because everyone has a romanticized view of relationships. Ultimately it’s not about the flutters you get in your stomach when you think of that person. The love you two share should evolve into a deep appreciation of what you two have built together over decades of shared life
i think that love is work in the same way participating in your favourite hobby is work; its labour and you might be tired, but it makes you happy to do it, and you sleep well after some time with it
@@tan89284 if that’s how you want to live so be it. But you will always just be leaving relationships, maybe they aren’t for you. There is NO ONE, man or woman who won’t hurt you in some way big or small. If that is too much to handle for you then maybe you should consider not being in a relationship.
Im a 23 yr old guy...i never dated or had a relationship. I tried everything Ive enhanced my physique, went to therapy, part of a uni society and it feels like im always losing. I stopped trying to go for dating becaude what you call luck is gambling my mind. I desire a relationship yet i have a 100% rejection rate, dating emotionally and mentally drains me and i know landing a good partner is terrific, yet the gambling required is just creating drawbacks for my wellbeing.
Brother, I feel your pain. One thing I can say is that you MUST be happy being single, because women want to join you in your happiness, not fix your depression. Learn to get your emotional needs and companionship from your male friends and you’ll be in a much more secure place mentally.
Relatable. Just don’t do date anymore that now I just experience extreme boredom about dating as I know they’ll reject something eventually, so I just mentally checked out. Learn to be your own best company, I find reading really enjoyable and meditation too
Relationship = Married with kids then divorce. It's expensive. Isn't it better to focus on free, regular, no commitment roster sex? That's what all these Boss Babes seem to offer. I speak from experience. Just be upfront and offer fun locations that women love as found in romance novels.
Im trans so I can relate. I dont know how to find a demographic of women who would date a trans guy but aren’t woke enough to still let underage feminists on the internet dictate what opinion they’re allowed to have today. I just need a girl who doesn’t think there are more than 2 genders and doesn’t dress provocatively in public.
Settling is an extremely dumb thing that we say. Broke women who have nothing to offer except headaches think they are them we settling the most. How are you the one settling when the other person is the only one in this relationship who has anything?
I see my girl friend "settling" for a man who makes her cry a lot, but she says they have open communication and discuss their issues openly, so it works for her. Yet, what she's actually doing is allowing a man to disrespect her (flirt with female coworkers and suggest a poly relationship when she only wants him) over and over again by masking their incompatibilities with "Oh but we openly discussed this and talked it over, so it's out in the open, its fine, its ok because we talked about it" like no, lol he's STILL going to talk to other women but be more sneakier about it or the problem will appear again later on (which it does, because I've watched her cry many times). Nothing has changed, all you did was voice your concerns openly and he will continue disrespecting you. That is settling.
@@tan89284thank you for sharing this. Like we’re not talking about SETTLING DOWN with someone and building a life. We’re talking about SETTLING FOR a situation that’s fundamentally harmful for you.
I have mixed feelings about the settling thing because I feel like I know so many people who settled for genuinely unhealthy relationships and I just look at them thinking: I‘d rather be single. I watched my aunt go from a confident woman who liked her appearance and was unashamed of who she is to hiding her purchases to avoid being berated for them, trying to lose weight after her boyfriend made rude remarks about her body, going on vacations she doesn‘t enjoy anymore and even hiding when something in her car broke that she had no control over, out of fear of being yelled at for it. I myself have been in a toxic relationship before that literally made me suicidal. I definitely have more of an anxious attachment style and I‘m worried that I‘ll get stuck in a relationship again that is going to hurt me more than anything. I definitely agree that good relationships are created, not found. But that only works if both partners are working towards the same goal. No one should settle for someone who impacts their life more negatively than positively.
Yeah I think by settling she meant more like taking your expectations down from unrealistic perfect relationship to realistic relationship, not down to bad relationship. Obviously relationships should be improving your life, if it's worse that being single that is very bad. My uncle settled because they both wanted kids and a family and were getting older and they don't have a romantic relationship, but it's functional and they love their kids and are good parents, so it turned out well
I recently went through a difficult breakup. My five year relationship ended a month ago, and it's been incredibly hard. I still have so much love for my ex girlfriend, and I can't seem to get her out of my mind. Despite my best efforts to win her back, nothing has worked, and the thought of being with anyone else feels impossible right now. I know it might sound odd to share this here, but I miss her deeply and can't stop thinking about her.
I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without her, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring her back into my life
My mom used to be attracted to men with muscular legs. My dad is a stick figure and they have been together for 40+ years. Happily married, madly in love, still laughing together, facing life's joys and challenges together no mater what. My mom used to tell me that if you are really into a specific physical trait, rest assure that your life partner will not have it lol It could be the universe taking the piss for laughs or it could be that when you truly connect with someone you learn to love them for who they are, not what you expected them to be. I don't know if this is really true, but in my case, I was always attracted to guys with long messy hair. It was not a criteria for me, just something that I always found myself drawn to. My beautiful husband has been bald since the tender age of 24, went full shave years before we even met. Full disclosure, he did have a hat on when we crossed paths for the first time in a museum in Australia, but still, as soon as we went in our first date, I knew I wanted to spend more time with him. So playful, curious, intelligent and, above of all, sweet and kind. Not only to me, but to everyone in his life. He is now my best friend and I love him to bits!! I love rubbing my hand on his shaved head, I love that we can talk about anything and everything. I love that he fuels my passions and dreams, that we are always making an adventure of life. I love that he learned a new language just to be able to talk to my family and get to know them better, since none of them speaks English. He met my grandma before she passed away and upon the first day of meeting him she said "I can't believe you really found someone as crazy and as you. Good job" I was 27 when we met and, in my case, he is really the one. I was very picky when it came to dating, so he was my first and only boyfriend. I was just very quick to jump out of the boat if the vibes weren't right. I must say though, every year that passes he becomes a better and better match for me. Our relationship today is sooo much better than it was when we first started dating. It just grows stronger and deeper with every passing year because we are constantly communicating and checking with each other what are our priorities and goals as individuals and lovers. Love does require work! But it is a fun work when its mutual
This is so sweet! I’m glad to hear a positive experience about meeting a great partner! Love does take work, but it shouldn’t feel burdensome. Also, it’s funny how the person you connect with might not have every feature you find attractive.
This reminds me of my Mom she was gorgeous in her prime she used to attract handsome men but she settled for my father a man with a dad bod but guess what they have been married 10 years and happy ever since.
I think it's gross that most people think about building connections and falling in love as if they're buying coffee machines. It really repulses me how forming connections became an industry. It just gives me an empty, meaningless feeling. If dating is a competition where you have to be 5%, then I don't want it. All I want is to be happy, connected and safe. What I know is that I want to be with someone who genuinely cares about me and doesn't want to constantly maximise. I'd rather be single forever than be the best coffee machine someone tried. I hate all this talk of "high value" vs "low value", "she's a 10", "he's a 4", all of this nonsense that is completely meaningless, as if these things could be quantified. How good of a partner someone is is such a subjective thing, which is why this numbers thing makes no sense. I never compare the people I dated to one another in such a way, I just think of them as who they were.
yup, the possibility of meeting sb who is highly compatible with you exists. yet let's not put the "right person" on them. anything good in life takes time to nurture. in the end, i hope you can be you when you are with them (with the right person it is not supposed to be this hard, yet aware of your own past ghosting). be kind to yourself, always
lol update: so if the "right one" u might think of is kinda silent and hesitate in their decision almost as much as u do to them, it will hurt so much. it is the contrast of our past. but u gonna be urself than liking sb so cool that will make ur heart melt. that pain at that time is more of not being able to like sb regarding of recipocation tho, like if u rly think of it. so ty guys for liking this comment! be kind to urself is kinda a good reminder for me too!
acting upon honesty, no matter how careful u tried to be, is always gonna be the hardest and most vulnerable way to do things, than annoying fears and avoidance. but lol at the end, u won't regret a thing, all ups and downs, summing up to a very enjoyable life!
Matthew Hussey is so right on the money in his comments. Love isn't like going to the gym or making a goal of saving money or travel or whatever the goal is. We are not in control of who we meet in our day to day lives and it can feel frustrating and discouraging to go day after day, year after year without any interest from the opposite sex or any dates. I'm not sure I would want to give up my art goals for unconditional love, though. Art is so much a part of who I am, especially my poetry. My poetry and comedy is how I express my spirituality. I hope that rare man who would encourage me to pursue my dreams is out there.
I 100% agree. I have kind of figured out that I don’t value love over find my purpose and pursuing my dreams. I constantly put that first, because you CAN find just anyone even a good person for you but I don’t value love more than being true to myself.
@@soniachristine9450 I guess giving up anything for love wouldn't be unconditional then, would it? it just seems like I meet so many guys who seem to want to stay in the same city their whole lives or who eventually want kids and I'm not sure that would be something I'd want.
@@HaleyMary oh, I understand the angle you are coming from now. It makes sense. I don’t know if you have done much traveling, but, from experience, it seems to be a good way to find likeminded people. I never wanted kids (always open to change my mind, but hasn’t happened yet) and I believed that finding a life partner meant settling down and being held back, so I never put much energy into dating. It just wasn’t a priority for me and I had other things/projects/relationships to cater to. I wanted to travel the world. I had - and still have- very low tolerance for bullshit. So I barely went on dates and never had a boyfriend until I was 27, that first boyfriend is my husband now. I met my partner while we were both living abroad, we crossed paths in a museum in Melbourne, Australia. I am an artist too and he was always so supportive, enthusiastic and encouraging of my artistic self. Even more than myself sometimes. He is a designer and we ended up working in a few projects together too. He would introduce me to new clients, get me on board when the project fit my art style, I would help him with some typography every now and then. We can always bounce ideas off each other and it feels so good to be with someone who gets it. The challenges and joys of trying to make a living with art. We have been together for 5 years, married for almost 3 now, lived in Australia, Brazil and now moving to the US knowing that we will probably move somewhere else in 5-8 years. We traveled to so many places together and we want to keep the party going. Both of us are cool with no kids (we want cats!), but we chat about what it would mean to have kids every other month to make sure we are still on the same page. We actually talk a lot about what it means to have kids for two people who don’t want to parent lol Anyways, sorry for making this so long. I am completely aware that my case is unique and that I am very lucky to have even crossed paths with my husband on a random museum in Australia to start with. But I just wanted to put it out there that it is possible and that finding someone to share life with doesn’t necessarily means settling down and having kids. It’s all about finding someone that is into the same life as you and building it together. I do strongly believe that the more you look for it, the harder it is to find. So just do your thing, put yourself in the places you want to be and likeminded people will come along the way. Sending love!
@@soniachristine9450 That's beautiful! I'm so happy for you that you met your husband while traveling and that it's worked out for you. I'm definitely not looking for love, but it seems like love just hasn't come my way yet. Perhaps I'll meet the guy I'm meant to be with when I least expect it.
Fantastic points! I have a few key pointers from when I was online dating earlier this year: 1. treat it a bit like the sales, you need to sift through a lot but you might find a gem, 2. if I want my potential partner to exhibit certain traits then I’d better make sure I emulate the same! For example, I want my partner to be open and confident, then I need to think am I also open and confident? 3. You don’t need to ‘be on your best behaviour’. If this will be your person, then they will like you for you without you needing to do anything. I want to get to know the real them, so I need to only bring my real self. 4. go for short coffee dates for first dates, it’s not expensive, it can be as short as you like, and you can usually tell quickly if you get on with someone and want to see them again. 5. for second, third etc dates pick something to do that you like! You will know if you have that in common, activities make it easier to make conversation, and even if it doesn’t work out, you did something fun that you like!
thing is, my parents fell in love at first sight and r still together, tho that was in their late twenties and before that my mother did go thru a lot of not so good relationships with way older man/cheaters. She didn't even think she was gonna get married, she completely accepted that faith and just then, she met my father.
Why do you just assume your parents are telling you the truth? They literally could be making the whole thing up because they do not want you to know how they actually met. Let's be honest, most people are just faking it.
This video literally speaks my mind. I have been a maximizer for the longest time, whether it's food, buying stuff and I started becoming a maximizer in friendships as well which just hinders my ability even more to build a romantic connection. Woooow, this video really openend my eyes, thaaank you Christina, love your videos
I really pray for someone who is not toxic 😢. Am not ready for any kind of drama especially now when my mom whom i would ask for advice from is no longer here
📌 stamps 0:00 - intro 01:17 - you want luck but you don’t trust it 05:02- you don’t find the right relationship, you create it 08:29 - you don’t find love you build it 11:19 - perfect partner vs good enough partner 17:49 - settling isn’t bad 22:09 - relationships aren’t special
You truly cooked with this take, good to know there are others in my generation who actually have an open mind and knows how to communicate well! Gen z has a lot of emotional & psychological turmoil to get through. people think that wanting things like love or "settling" and its honestly sad. Relationships are arguably the most important thing in our lives. Whether they be romantic ones or Platonic ones they are super important. one of things I've notice is that people often downplay the importance or romantic relationships. i understand people may have had a bad experience or even a bad breakup, that said you can't allow that to rip you away from you having another opportunity to form a loving, heathy bond with a new romantic partner. Love is beautiful and having someone you can go home to, rely on, talk to, bond with and start a family with is just purely amazing. Thanks for this great video, Christina!
This is very out of topic but i really love how ur videos doesnt have any background music i find it easier to focus on what youre saying, i also find your voice very soothing to listen!
It's a shame culture valorizes perfectionism as much as it does. Perfectionism hurts people's relationships with themselves & hurts their ability to form relationships with others. But instead of seeing this hurt as bad, perfectionists see it as "necessary" because they're so invested in the narrative they tell themselves. When we lower our standards for ourselves & and others, we create opportunities to have our expectations exceeded. And that is so much more satisfying than simply having high standards met.
Really solid advice. Personally this is why I don’t use dating apps anymore; they put a lot of pressure on having to form a relationship instead of the founding the friendship first
I don't see what's crazy with choosing an unconditional loving partner over a house or travel. The house and travel is special when you have someone to share it with, the struggles and the good times. Lonely life on the top is a mere placeholder. Great relationships (not only romantic) are much better predicators of happiness and even longetivity.
I have high standards because I know the kind of person I feel attracted to. Certain details I can compromise on, but their core has to meet the standard or any interest I have will be fleeting and that’s not fair to that person or me.
All I really want is to be with a guy that doesn’t make me feel judged and I can be sincere with, but to do that I need to first be vulnerable with them and that is just so scary to me😭
my standards: loves me, respects me (and others), attracted to me and not nonchalant about their feelings for me and that's it 😭 They don't even have to be my type physically bcs I automatically grow to like someone's looks when I like their soul. And idc about jobs because I don't have one either.. crazy how some ppl have told me I'm "asking for too much" with this which is like...if I asked for less that'd probably end up in one of us gettig hurt.. I feel like people are either settling for an abusive or completely unrealistic relationship and nothing in the middle, like you said..smh
Clearly! People think that when we say standart it means "superficial" or ”materialistic” intersests but it is not. Really i dont give a hum about the top 5%. We just need someone with enough social skills and self awareness and mutual interest with whom we are sure to grow with lmao. But apparently that’s to much! I mean who do we think we are?
No one tells men regardless of how the look, what they do for a living, their social status to lower their ridiculous high standards for women they don't even come close to, but will tell you that your completely reasonable standards are too much
You just need to understand the right person is not necessarily who you picture in your head. It's the person who makes you a priority and inspires you to do the same for them. That's the only standard you need and nothing less will do. If they won't make you a priority they are the wrong person. Always! And ditch the apps. The reason why people say "it'll happen when you least expect it" is those people have fun hobbies that are also social and give you opportunities to meet people without dating being the primary goal. I met my husband at karaoke but yes luck is a part of it. When we met, my usual bar was having a band so I went to a different bar for karaoke and there he was!
You are on Point!! As a guy that have been in a long term relationship I really raise my standards that high, honesty, judge less, come to conclutions less, and knowing that you are the same as others and I am only human not a god im only human I make mistakes.
I think this is why I’m happy to be a Christian. Not to force religion or anything, but accepting Christ helped me to prepare myself to be a future wife. I never got a date, never had sex, never even had my first kiss! I’m 19 and I know I shouldn’t worry so much about dating, but it’s still a valid worry. My parents also both died when I was 4 years old, so I don’t have any parental figures to go off on. Now, I think to myself, “If I was a man of God’s wife, how would I be?” I started to cook more at home, I got into my Bible more, I started praying behind closed doors, I dress more comfortably, I spend 2hr a day on my phone, I started attending therapy, and etc. Of course, within Christianity it’s a reminder that marriage is not promised to everyone. However, even if I never get married, I get comfort in knowing that I’m bettering my life compared to making relationships a 24/7 idol. There’s a guy from my college ministry I’m talking with and we’re going on a date in two days. I’m very excited and I hope it goes well. If not, God’s plan is greater than mine. :-)
im trying to get back into the faith so im not as religious but i feel u. it took a long time for me to just be comfortable w who i am, as i am, and just enjoy my own company (and God's). ultimately, a partner is simply a bonus in life. u are the one person who will journey w u for the rest of ur life, so its best to like ur own company before anything else ^_^
Actually, you probably come across people you find attractive everyday you leave the house. The problem is - it’s just not possible to talk to each and everyone of them!
I think a lot of people are too quick to pass on someone that could be great for them. It takes a long time to get to know someone honestly, and let’s be real, we are not showing much of ourselves on dating apps anyway
I dunno honestly... speaking for myself, there's a lot going on in my lived experience that I need compatibility with (sobriety, asexuality, chronic illness, neurodivergence, etc.) and compromising in those areas has caused a stressful relationship dynamic (regardless of if the relationship is platonic, familial, or romantic). I just want someone with a calm aura, emotional maturity, a priority on health in every sense of the word, and compatibility/chemistry, and apparently even that's too much to ask for in this world.
Well … I just follow my gut . If it clicks it clicks . If it during , it doesn’t . The irony is , a lot of men seem to be more attracted to me the less I have cared
@@chikamsoodume3601it’s true the less you worry the easiest it is because you come across as cool and relaxed and confident! Just be yourself unapologetically and eventually you will find a match!
love is not effortless. Love is about the willingness to put effort into someone and the choosing of someone. Even if you effortlessly want to chose someone, it still takes effort to love them. love is something you do not something you feel.
watching your video is like a therapy. I always questioned myself, why am I still single, I'm the problem maybe? I admit I didn't meet as much people. so how do I mingle and know each other lol. this video is like a reality check. all of my friends most of them are married with kids. I'm in my 30s, never been into relationship and I just fell really behind in life. of course I want a life partner. life is meant to be shared and I find life is more meaningful if you have somebody to share. that just me tho. and my good friend said, don't focus too much on settling down. there must be reasons why I am become today. I have yet to find the answer. I hope this waiting game would be worthwhile 💔
This video is gold and resonates with a lot of what I've been saying on my channel. Your story telling ability makes you really easy to listen to and I hope you get more and more successful.
Hey, as a maximizer and a perfectionist to the core but as a person with secure attachment and the desire to always make it work it ends up being such a confusing place where I'm always anxious I might be making a mistake because of X, Y, Z, trying perhaps to fix the person or "level up" the person like I do myself and ultimately having it be the burden of the relationship. I wish I could accept my partner, but that would mean first accepting myself and my own flaws. But I do believe everyone settles in a way, and being with someone human and flawed is much better than being with someone "perfect" and not knowing when the other shoe is going to drop.
1) Be satisfied enough with who you are right now. 2) Just meet people where they’re at. 3) Get to genuinely know the person in front of you. Then you will see if this is your person or not.
Be the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with and meet a compatible person. If your standards are reasonable, there are many people you can have a good relationship with. However, there are absolutely people out there who are wrong for you. Never allow chemistry, attraction, or charisma to trump compatibility. The two of you must have core values, beliefs, and goals in common (as well as the ability to compromise) if you are going to make it for the long haul.
Please invest in a good microphone! Your videos are extremely high quality but the sound quality is something that can turn someone off from your videos instantly.
Dating apps make you lazy, get off them and actually speak to people! Romance is the harmony and basic hope of existence, by any means don’t be a wildly romantic person, you will get hurt and you might hurt others but we are all worthy of romance and steady development of slowing into a relationship! I hate to state the controversial thing but the the most important thing to o attract romance is how you look! I am a firm believer that if you eat well, sleep well, are enjoying your career. You are instantly attractive!
I'm aroace and have never had any interest with romantic relationships so this doesn't really apply to my life, but this is still such an interesting video for me. you're such an great creator :)
While it’s true that “you don’t find love, you build it” I also think it’s good to remember that it needs to go both ways. You shouldn’t build alone and both people need to believe and want to make it work.
There's another, rare, almost-usually forgotten attachment style called disorganised attachment, which is basically a combination of both anxious and avoidant but with its own, unique qualities as well. People tend to forget we exist.
This was the first video I watched of yours and I loved it! You’re so enjoyable to watch and listen to. I’m so glad my algo pushed this on me 😅 I learned so much thank you 🙌
Well I’ve been single for 9 years and actively dating all types of people so I don’t know anymore. I recently gave up dating apps and I still meet people without apps. I told my friends something is wrong with me. The guy who said nothing is wrong with me we briefly dated. He told me whenever someone likes him he loses interest. The guy I dated after him broke up with me and he said he doesn’t feel a big spark and that maybe he should be more patient. The guy before him told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious when he met me but got into a relationship a few months later. Guess I’m really unlucky.
I think you met people that have a wrong view of what loving someone for the long term is. Dont try to find someone you'll get in touch with someone that has the same values and appreciates you for who you are naturally.
You will probably meet someone when you’re not looking at all. Give it to God/the universe. A lot of people don’t meet a good partner til they are older after 30 and 40. Whether single or committed make the best of it. Focus on the pros of being single.
@@MelModica most of the men I met I wasn’t looking. I never attract men when I’m sad or depressed about being single. I attract these men when I’m happily single. I’m usually hesitant in the beginning because I don’t want dating to interfere with my happiness. They are usually persistent and once I start to feel comfortable with them they fade or ghost.
I find that it doesn't matter whether I show interest towards a guy or not. They seem to lose interest anyway. I've had a guy ask me out where I felt enthusiastic to go out with them and then they just never mentioned the date again and never made a plan and then there was another guy who asked me for coffee saying he was very into me and I was being ambivalent, saying I didn't know him well enough to know whether I liked him or not and then he never followed through with a coffee date, so I think if a guy isn't in that relationship state of mind, nothing will happen.
My biggest issue is I'm just never given a chance. I went on my only date ever last month (a week before my 31st birthday) and it went well but she just got too busy to hang out again. I'd love to get another chance with a girl but it just seems impossible at times.
Speaking from experience about the "spark"; everytime ive had this with someone it has ended terribly and we hurt each others feelings in awful ways. Better to build something for sure. It just is harder find people to build with.
11:40 that’s not crazy! That’s actually very reasonable. Unconditional love is a life goal for most people anyway. That’s my life goal for sure. To love and be loved is literally the purpose of our existence as human beings. Everything else is ancillary. Just the icing on the cake. But the cake is gross on the inside no matter how much icing you put on it. It’s not going to be edible.
I can’t tell if I have high standards or not, I’ll strictly never go on apps to find a partner and rely heavy on fate to just meet someone or make a friend, but then it has to actually go well, like we have to get along great and yada yada, like, I can’t go into the dating scene with romance in mind, it feels so fake and unnatural but then that closes out like half of my opportunities to meet someone I might like, idk lol
You are right. A lot of women gone ick and check list their way through all the quality men and will find that when they learn to focus on the important things those men won’t be interested anymore lol
I'm gen z and my bf and I have been together for 8 years and counting! a lot of truth in this video, I have too many friends that have never been on a date or had their first kiss yet or friends that just look for hookups but not a relationship. my relationship was very rocky the first year and yea if we were caught up on finding the perfect person, we wouldn't have put in the work to build the relationship we have now. neither of us were perfect and we both have our issues, but we were able to work on ourselves and grow together, and this doesn't work for everyone. sometimes you do need that space from breaking up to work yourself up to being ready for a relationship. 2 people growing up very differently with different families and cultures and communication styles are bound to have miscommunication, but that doesn't mean that you should break up (abuse is very different than miscommunication, obviously you should leave any abusive relationship) also yes none of the relationships I've been in would have happened if i wasn't the person that reached out and told them i liked them lol and if one relationship doesn't work out, they weren't the right person and hopefully you have a better idea of what you want in your next relationship!
Like so many have said before me, ❤ your content! I stayed listening intently to your every word until the very end. You are wise beyond your years, and easy listening to your smooth voice and sound advice. One thing I'll politely disagree with, while I've had 2/3 platonic male friendships that started with mutual interests, good conversation, laughter/ humor etc., if that mutual spark wasn't ever there initially, nothing but a good friendship was established and nothing else to this day. From my perspective for a romantic relationship to take off, there has to be that something, that edginess to get things started. That is just what needs to start to make things happen for me. Realize others may disagree. New subscriber here 🎉 😊
Honestly I think ppl should go for whoever gives them the spark. The ppl that don’t are the ones who couldn’t get who they really wanted to they gave up but deep down that’s what everyone wants. Most couples are boring bc most ppl are not with their first choice but have to rationalize that they made a good choice to feel good about their decision making. I’m all for ppl being honest and going after what they REALLY desire. With time the spark will go down for every relationship but at least you know you lived a life going after what you actually wanted
I feel...character comes first than attraction. To speak of it clearly, just because he and I have a spark doesn't mean we are a better fit for each other. He might have some questionable habits that might hurt me and the family we might create. Sure it might get boring once in a while, but I wouldn't ever want to compromise a peaceful life with a chaotic one. I would prefer practicality over the fleeting Attraction based one. It's just a personal opinion tho.
It's important to mesh well and enjoy each other's company, but often a spark is just what people mistake anxiety for. Seeking out that anxiety is what gets you stuck with people who treat you poorly, it's exciting because they aren't showing up for you in the way you need, so you are always left wanting more.
hey ! I love what you do and i think it would be great to also upload your videos as podcast. I often find myself just listening and doing something else and it's great !
If more people would have grown up in healthy and secure families, in a healthy society, more people would be able to project that healthy connection onto others. Most people are royally effed if they don't do some serious work on themselves, deconstructing the messaging from their families and society, looking into their attachment, their needs (not wants), their emotional regulation and expression etc. and continue looking for validation from the outside world through other insecure people projecting their crap all over each other. Blind leading the blind etc. etc.
So… great video but I just wanted to provide hope for the romantics out there - my husband felt like love at first sight. Literally met randomly at an event and he felt like the one and he ended up being the one. 💍 ❤️
Yep! I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time, met my partner at a party and didn’t even talk that much, but when i left, he spent the night in agony with the boys cus he wanted to be with me. We started dating a month later and now its been 6 years and planning our wedding
There's absolutely no such thing as 'the perfect someone' or simply 'the one.' There's always gonna be imperfect people wanting to either connect or detach from you if it's wanting to connect with them. You're never gonna believe that just because you watch romance, you already know a lot about dating and relationships. However it's deeper than you might expect. Not everyone will end up with their perfect picture of a partner in their minds. They're gonna end up with either close to that or the complete opposite of what they initially expected from the beginning.
I like the idea of making the relationship. Looking at all the people around us. If we try out anyone who meets your minimums, you can enjoy the company of a variety of people until you meet who you like and want to give a bigger chance.
So, after reading all this, did you change your preferences/behaviours? In what manner? Swiping right on shorter dudes or less successful ones? This whole video seems like virte signaling with bonus steps.
A standard is fixed or established. A wish is a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable, or something that cannot or probably will not happen. Most of women’s standards are wishes, and most men have no standards because you generally date who wants to date you which for most men at this point is no one. A specific height, income, age, breast size, hairstyle, physique, etc, are all wishes and play zero role in being a good partner. That’s why even when someone lucks up and finds someone who fits all their “standards”, all the complaints of narcissism, gaslighting, love bombing, etc. start because those flimsy “standards” led you to a make believe relationship with an attractive and hollow demon.
My issue is that I’m a satisficer and I don’t have particularly high standards (I genuinely couldn’t care less about height, career, or education) and I get along well with most people, but I just have never fallen in love anyway. I had only ever dated one guy before and he was such an amazing guy but I just never felt that all-encompassing feeling that people talk about and I broke up with him because I began to worry I could never feel those things and it felt unfair to be with him if I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. We’re still best friends to this day and I still think he was amazing and perfect for me in every way honestly. I did love him but I wasn’t in love with him if that makes any sense. I’m so worried that I may be aromantic and that I’m just not capable of feeling romantic love at all, which makes me so sad because I so desperately want to fall in love and get to feel that magical feeling people talk about, and the fear that I may be unable to experience that makes me feel so empty inside.
I think you just haven’t met the right person yet. I was like you. We literally can get along with anyone. I think I’ve met my person. Aside from being open and satisfied enough with myself I didn’t do anything different.
You need to change your perspective on what “right” is. We are all fallible beings with our own issues, baggage, and red flags. If they’re meant for you the problems they have will be worth the effort of dealing with, and overcoming together. Being in their presence will feel natural as well. Having a relationship with someone you genuinely have a deep connection with will and should improve your life overall.
I think that settling (resolving a question or problem, making a declaration) has been confused with settling /for less./ Finding something different than what you were looking for and recognizing its value is incredible lucky, and not at all underselling yourself.
I've learned that putting really high standards on people always leaves you disappointed. If you can't live up to your standards, then why should you ask others to?
I agree! It’s not when youre least looking for your person. I think people just be saying that. I have met so many girls who have asked out guys and they have been dating for almost 3 years. I don’t think people are willing to approach people anymore
I’m halfway through the video, you said ‘you don’t find the right relationship, you create it’s and it’s amazing. But how do you find the right partner to create this relationship with. This is the hard question
Sure, love is work but it shouldn't feel like drudgery. This was sort of alluded to in the video, it's the companionship that matters ultimately. But speaking for myself, core values matter a whole lot and that is non-negotiable to me. That's my checklist and I am not willing to compromise on it. I've dated men who I didn't find particularly attractive aesthetically speaking and while I did feel affection for them after getting to know them better, it often felt like I was forcing myself to give them a chance. It's not that I have high standards (I'm definitely not looking for rich men with sexy abs lol) but trying to build a relationship with someone who is not your type in whatever sense is not fair to the other person either.
I’m definitely a maximizer and it sucks. I get along with most people and I guess have less of a deep relational style, so I really don’t feel like there’s a “special” relationship out there for me that I couldn’t find anywhere else. Like I could be with someone 20 years, leave that relationship, and be like “oh I’ll find someone else”. I don’t really think monogamy is in my nature, but I want a family, and I want someone to navigate life with. I just haven’t met someone who I feel is worth that. When things get too challenging, I’m like, “ok I want to be happy and free, I don’t need this.” And I leave.
Yeah I agree to an extent that relationships aren’t that special however I feel with that mindset, you set up yourself to get hurt too. My last two relationships. I didn’t put any pressure on them, hurt one person and hurt my self the second time so I kind of get why people are cautious
My problem is everytime i have a crush on someone ,theyr already in love with some popular girl who is very clearly stringing them along for attention(she was doing this with 5 guys atleast),this simping is such a turn off ,then they start liking me back but never close enough to how much they like that girl, i cant imagine being in a relationship w a man whos secretly in love with someone else and settling for free sex with me meanwhile filling their emotional void from that girl in the name of "friends" when we all know he has feelings for her, this exact situation has happened 3 times now and im tired
I think it all comes down to vibes, if I pass women and feel no inclination to approach them then I just trust that the vibe is not there and do not beat myself up for not trying to force something. Sometimes I will come across women that I feel completely comfortable and almost obligated to approach due to a vibe that is completely in sync, and it always goes/ends well even if things don’t progress very far. When it comes to finding a partner I would just tell people to be open to the vibes in people around you and work on yourself in the meantime. When the perfect vibe comes along you wont have a choice lol it will just happen
One perspective that I really enjoy is: focus on becoming a better lover instead of asking for one.
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Yes
yes yes yes !
how do u do that
@@casper1343 getting to know yourself, going to therapy, understanding what you need and how you respond to the needs of other people. Becoming someone that you would like to date.
I have high standards because my parents settled with each other and I ended up having a chaotic childhood🙃
Speak on it 😭
Wow I’m the exact opposite I had a great family life and I want that for myself too. Great that you’re breaking that cycle though
Same here
Real
I have high standards for personality, and decent standards for physical attractiveness. Basically I am not exclusively looking for a greek goddess of a woman, but more like someone who really values morals and virtue that I am at the very least attracted to physically
"most relationships don't really suffer from a lack of chemistry, they suffer from a lack of foundation"
My standards are literally just cute, healthy, sober, kind, honest, understanding, and employed. That’s freaking it.
And what you offer in return?
@@giacomobandini969 um probably the same things???
@@fiftyzanes probably. So you are not sure. You pay more attention on what you want to get than what are you offering. That Is the root of the problem, i think.
@@giacomobandini969 i said "probably" because i'm talking about a stranger so it would be ridiculous for me to speak with absolute certainty. most of the time, the standards people hold others to are the standards they hold *themselves* to in the first place (which is literally mentioned in the video), hence my comment. lastly why are you making assumptions about me when you know nothing about me?
add attentive and non-neglectful to that list
Most people claim they have high standards. But truth is they are afraid and dont qualify for the standards they set for themselves. The standards is a wall of fear. Because when they meet the person that meet those standards, they self sabotage or they do not qualify for that person
Personally I do have high standards that I do meet myself (despite my flaws, of course). Thing is if I met someone who meets my criteria, it’s always going to feel weird because there’s like this list to check off, and I feel like that would be unfair to them
All, checklist. No chemistry.
People have high standards but completely forget the human aspect of a relationship. Never considered that the perfect guy might be boring, awkward, loud, quiet or other any number of things that might make two people incompatible that have nothing to do with status and morals, it's just who they are.
And what if the other person just doesn't like you. Then what? You might be the biggest, juiciest, peach that ever graced the god's green earth, but buddy likes mangos. You think he's gonna change his taste buds for you? Maybe he might, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of not accepting anything less than ideal?
Not to mention THE BIGGEST ISSUE. A lot of people with high standards just don't know HOW to be in a relationship anymore. All those standards have kept you single for so long that now... All you know is how to be single. All you like, is being single. You don't have room and don't want to make room in your life for someone else. Not even prince charming.
Most of those standards are superficial - Tall, Handsome, Rich... They are not focused on engagement.
@@HenriqueM-jh1ye basically everything but Character. Then want to claim he was a narcissist when he was the same person from day one they just ignored it
Depends on the type of standard. Standards should not be about traits but about how you want to feel and be treated. You need someone who will make you a priority and never settle for anything less. But you can "settle" on things that don't matter
took a shot every time i heard “you don’t find love you build it” and had to stop by half way through the vid
🤣
Don't work with someone who doesn't want to work out things out. You do find love but still have to work for it.
Met my husband on a dating app, and as much as I adapted my approach over several months to try and find a better fit, I met him based on chance, very little information and it came down to a gut feeling. We decided we wanted to be together based on how we negotiate conflict. As much as we got along and laughed a lot, knowing we could work together through anything is what made it easy to commit. While it's good to have boundaries, having too many rules makes it a perfectionist fantasy, which leaves little room for people to be themselves.
I agree! Perfection can easily unbalance flexibility
@proniaantolia9568 💯 also going into it prioritizing your expectations or way of doing things might make it so you miss out on learning a new shared approach. Both people should feel respected and heard while negotiating what works best, which will always be different based on the demands of the relationship, that will change over time.
you ate cause this is 100% it
dating apps have really fucked with the way people see dating. they scroll through profiles like they're online shopping, they have lists of requirements like theyre making a fucking sim. please remember the other person is a human being too
By people do you mean women because most men do not have the power and privilege to go about dating in this manner. Most men take what they can get.
Disorganized attachment also exists, it's a mix of both anxious and avoidant.
Lmaoo I think I have that 😭😂
@@chantalreneehayles7976same 💀
Therapist told me I had that and mannnn it’s a pain 😅😅😅
@@shallowcheese7509 felt.
This creator is absolutely right when she says dating *IS NOT* effortless, that it is work, but totally wrong when she says love *IS* effortless. Love, like any feeling, is fleeting, and because of that is more of an action than a just a feeling. There will be points in time of a long-term relationship, especially one of decades (15 or 20 years+) where you may not feel as a attracted to, or affectionate towards your partner, but in those moments loving them is still doing the work. It is still showing up for the relationship, communicating the issues, doing the small and large things that make a relationship work, and if none of those things can fix the lack of affection or emotion then yes, love can also be leaving that person. ALL OF THIS IS EFFORT. Even when you decide to leave someone you've lost emotions for it is actually an act of selfless love, and it will hurt like hell for the both of you, so many people decide to stay after reaching the point where leaving is the only loving option left because of their selfish desire for comfort and staying with what is familiar whilst hurting their partner at the same time by doing so.
If you go into relationships thinking that love is effortless, the you are not mentally setting yourself up for the realities of a loving long-term relationship like the ones many of our grandparents or even parents are in.
THIS!!!! And it's also good to remind that with all those attachment styles, different relational wounds and traumas, different mechanisms, everyone will react and behave differently so for some people it may be effortless and for other it may comes really hard, but that does not instantly mean that they picked a wrong partner. And I'm speaking for myself. I'm a big time fearful avoidant, I had mostly bad experiences and my main mechanism is to withdraw. But I'm also in a relationship with someone who's sooo loving and good and just everything I could wish for and YET I sometimes struggle with love towards them because that love isn't within me in the first place. I have to actively work on breaking the walls that I've created throughout life and reaching towards love to be able to feel it towards my partner. And I'm proud to say that I'm doing great! But if I listened to my avoidant and maximising tendencies I'd lose an amazing person that I love. I just prefer to see this struggle as an opportunity to heal. But most people see the struggle as a reason to quit. A mindset change is really important here.
Its an insecure question, but: would a relationship then really be worth anything? Why would you want to be with a person you don't love anymore while you dream about feeling love again? I dunno. Its one of the many reasons I gave up on dating a long time ago. It just really seems not worth it, and the thought that my partner would lose interest in me and dream about someone better is a little really not it for me.
@@peachwhite-333 because everyone has a romanticized view of relationships. Ultimately it’s not about the flutters you get in your stomach when you think of that person. The love you two share should evolve into a deep appreciation of what you two have built together over decades of shared life
i think that love is work in the same way participating in your favourite hobby is work; its labour and you might be tired, but it makes you happy to do it, and you sleep well after some time with it
@@tan89284 if that’s how you want to live so be it. But you will always just be leaving relationships, maybe they aren’t for you. There is NO ONE, man or woman who won’t hurt you in some way big or small. If that is too much to handle for you then maybe you should consider not being in a relationship.
Im a 23 yr old guy...i never dated or had a relationship.
I tried everything
Ive enhanced my physique, went to therapy, part of a uni society and it feels like im always losing. I stopped trying to go for dating becaude what you call luck is gambling my mind.
I desire a relationship yet i have a 100% rejection rate, dating emotionally and mentally drains me and i know landing a good partner is terrific, yet the gambling required is just creating drawbacks for my wellbeing.
Brother, I feel your pain. One thing I can say is that you MUST be happy being single, because women want to join you in your happiness, not fix your depression.
Learn to get your emotional needs and companionship from your male friends and you’ll be in a much more secure place mentally.
Relatable. Just don’t do date anymore that now I just experience extreme boredom about dating as I know they’ll reject something eventually, so I just mentally checked out.
Learn to be your own best company, I find reading really enjoyable and meditation too
It's not worth the effort any more. Too much risk, too little reward. Find something better to do, you'll be happier for it.
Relationship = Married with kids then divorce. It's expensive. Isn't it better to focus on free, regular, no commitment roster sex? That's what all these Boss Babes seem to offer. I speak from experience. Just be upfront and offer fun locations that women love as found in romance novels.
Im trans so I can relate. I dont know how to find a demographic of women who would date a trans guy but aren’t woke enough to still let underage feminists on the internet dictate what opinion they’re allowed to have today. I just need a girl who doesn’t think there are more than 2 genders and doesn’t dress provocatively in public.
Settling is a bad or a good thing depending on your definition.
Some people want the world, others want compatibility
People's definitions of "settling" also differ. For example, in this context it appears to mean "settling FOR second best" 🤔
Settling is an extremely dumb thing that we say. Broke women who have nothing to offer except headaches think they are them we settling the most. How are you the one settling when the other person is the only one in this relationship who has anything?
I see my girl friend "settling" for a man who makes her cry a lot, but she says they have open communication and discuss their issues openly, so it works for her. Yet, what she's actually doing is allowing a man to disrespect her (flirt with female coworkers and suggest a poly relationship when she only wants him) over and over again by masking their incompatibilities with "Oh but we openly discussed this and talked it over, so it's out in the open, its fine, its ok because we talked about it" like no, lol he's STILL going to talk to other women but be more sneakier about it or the problem will appear again later on (which it does, because I've watched her cry many times). Nothing has changed, all you did was voice your concerns openly and he will continue disrespecting you. That is settling.
@@tan89284thank you for sharing this. Like we’re not talking about SETTLING DOWN with someone and building a life. We’re talking about SETTLING FOR a situation that’s fundamentally harmful for you.
I have mixed feelings about the settling thing because I feel like I know so many people who settled for genuinely unhealthy relationships and I just look at them thinking: I‘d rather be single.
I watched my aunt go from a confident woman who liked her appearance and was unashamed of who she is to hiding her purchases to avoid being berated for them, trying to lose weight after her boyfriend made rude remarks about her body, going on vacations she doesn‘t enjoy anymore and even hiding when something in her car broke that she had no control over, out of fear of being yelled at for it.
I myself have been in a toxic relationship before that literally made me suicidal.
I definitely have more of an anxious attachment style and I‘m worried that I‘ll get stuck in a relationship again that is going to hurt me more than anything.
I definitely agree that good relationships are created, not found. But that only works if both partners are working towards the same goal. No one should settle for someone who impacts their life more negatively than positively.
Yeah I think by settling she meant more like taking your expectations down from unrealistic perfect relationship to realistic relationship, not down to bad relationship. Obviously relationships should be improving your life, if it's worse that being single that is very bad.
My uncle settled because they both wanted kids and a family and were getting older and they don't have a romantic relationship, but it's functional and they love their kids and are good parents, so it turned out well
I recently went through a difficult breakup. My five year relationship ended a month ago, and it's been incredibly hard. I still have so much love for my ex girlfriend, and I can't seem to get her out of my mind. Despite my best efforts to win her back, nothing has worked, and the thought of being with anyone else feels impossible right now. I know it might sound odd to share this here, but I miss her deeply and can't stop thinking about her.
I completely understand the pain of letting go of someone you love. I went through a similar experience when my 10 year relationship ended. I couldn't imagine my life without her, so I tried everything to rekindle our love. I eventually found guidance from a spiritual counselor, and their support helped me bring her back into my life
By the way, how did you find a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with them?
His name is Fatherabulu, and he's an incredible spiritual counselor known for helping restore relationships.
Thank you for sharing this valuable insight. I just looked him up, and I'm genuinely impressed.
My mom used to be attracted to men with muscular legs. My dad is a stick figure and they have been together for 40+ years. Happily married, madly in love, still laughing together, facing life's joys and challenges together no mater what.
My mom used to tell me that if you are really into a specific physical trait, rest assure that your life partner will not have it lol It could be the universe taking the piss for laughs or it could be that when you truly connect with someone you learn to love them for who they are, not what you expected them to be.
I don't know if this is really true, but in my case, I was always attracted to guys with long messy hair. It was not a criteria for me, just something that I always found myself drawn to. My beautiful husband has been bald since the tender age of 24, went full shave years before we even met. Full disclosure, he did have a hat on when we crossed paths for the first time in a museum in Australia, but still, as soon as we went in our first date, I knew I wanted to spend more time with him. So playful, curious, intelligent and, above of all, sweet and kind. Not only to me, but to everyone in his life.
He is now my best friend and I love him to bits!! I love rubbing my hand on his shaved head, I love that we can talk about anything and everything. I love that he fuels my passions and dreams, that we are always making an adventure of life. I love that he learned a new language just to be able to talk to my family and get to know them better, since none of them speaks English. He met my grandma before she passed away and upon the first day of meeting him she said "I can't believe you really found someone as crazy and as you. Good job"
I was 27 when we met and, in my case, he is really the one. I was very picky when it came to dating, so he was my first and only boyfriend. I was just very quick to jump out of the boat if the vibes weren't right.
I must say though, every year that passes he becomes a better and better match for me. Our relationship today is sooo much better than it was when we first started dating. It just grows stronger and deeper with every passing year because we are constantly communicating and checking with each other what are our priorities and goals as individuals and lovers.
Love does require work! But it is a fun work when its mutual
Thank you for sharing your love story! It gives me hope
This is so sweet! I’m glad to hear a positive experience about meeting a great partner! Love does take work, but it shouldn’t feel burdensome. Also, it’s funny how the person you connect with might not have every feature you find attractive.
This reminds me of my Mom she was gorgeous in her prime she used to attract handsome men but she settled for my father a man with a dad bod but guess what they have been married 10 years and happy ever since.
YES girl lol I always hated chest/back hair on men and turns out the love of my life has a…LOT of chest hair and I loveeee it so much
well men don t do the same so nah .
When asked why I am single, I do not say, "I haven't found the right person."
It's, "I'm not the right person yet."
Love and working it out and staying together through the crappy times, is a choice and requires both people to consistently keep choosing each other.
This is exactly whqt i have discovered after being in my relationship for 6 years
I think it's gross that most people think about building connections and falling in love as if they're buying coffee machines. It really repulses me how forming connections became an industry. It just gives me an empty, meaningless feeling. If dating is a competition where you have to be 5%, then I don't want it. All I want is to be happy, connected and safe. What I know is that I want to be with someone who genuinely cares about me and doesn't want to constantly maximise. I'd rather be single forever than be the best coffee machine someone tried. I hate all this talk of "high value" vs "low value", "she's a 10", "he's a 4", all of this nonsense that is completely meaningless, as if these things could be quantified. How good of a partner someone is is such a subjective thing, which is why this numbers thing makes no sense.
I never compare the people I dated to one another in such a way, I just think of them as who they were.
yup, the possibility of meeting sb who is highly compatible with you exists. yet let's not put the "right person" on them. anything good in life takes time to nurture. in the end, i hope you can be you when you are with them (with the right person it is not supposed to be this hard, yet aware of your own past ghosting). be kind to yourself, always
lol update: so if the "right one" u might think of is kinda silent and hesitate in their decision almost as much as u do to them, it will hurt so much. it is the contrast of our past. but u gonna be urself than liking sb so cool that will make ur heart melt. that pain at that time is more of not being able to like sb regarding of recipocation tho, like if u rly think of it. so ty guys for liking this comment! be kind to urself is kinda a good reminder for me too!
acting upon honesty, no matter how careful u tried to be, is always gonna be the hardest and most vulnerable way to do things, than annoying fears and avoidance. but lol at the end, u won't regret a thing, all ups and downs, summing up to a very enjoyable life!
Matthew Hussey is so right on the money in his comments. Love isn't like going to the gym or making a goal of saving money or travel or whatever the goal is. We are not in control of who we meet in our day to day lives and it can feel frustrating and discouraging to go day after day, year after year without any interest from the opposite sex or any dates.
I'm not sure I would want to give up my art goals for unconditional love, though. Art is so much a part of who I am, especially my poetry. My poetry and comedy is how I express my spirituality. I hope that rare man who would encourage me to pursue my dreams is out there.
I 100% agree. I have kind of figured out that I don’t value love over find my purpose and pursuing my dreams. I constantly put that first, because you CAN find just anyone even a good person for you but I don’t value love more than being true to myself.
Why would you have to give up your art for unconditional love?
@@soniachristine9450 I guess giving up anything for love wouldn't be unconditional then, would it? it just seems like I meet so many guys who seem to want to stay in the same city their whole lives or who eventually want kids and I'm not sure that would be something I'd want.
@@HaleyMary oh, I understand the angle you are coming from now. It makes sense. I don’t know if you have done much traveling, but, from experience, it seems to be a good way to find likeminded people.
I never wanted kids (always open to change my mind, but hasn’t happened yet) and I believed that finding a life partner meant settling down and being held back, so I never put much energy into dating. It just wasn’t a priority for me and I had other things/projects/relationships to cater to. I wanted to travel the world. I had - and still have- very low tolerance for bullshit. So I barely went on dates and never had a boyfriend until I was 27, that first boyfriend is my husband now.
I met my partner while we were both living abroad, we crossed paths in a museum in Melbourne, Australia. I am an artist too and he was always so supportive, enthusiastic and encouraging of my artistic self. Even more than myself sometimes. He is a designer and we ended up working in a few projects together too. He would introduce me to new clients, get me on board when the project fit my art style, I would help him with some typography every now and then. We can always bounce ideas off each other and it feels so good to be with someone who gets it. The challenges and joys of trying to make a living with art.
We have been together for 5 years, married for almost 3 now, lived in Australia, Brazil and now moving to the US knowing that we will probably move somewhere else in 5-8 years. We traveled to so many places together and we want to keep the party going. Both of us are cool with no kids (we want cats!), but we chat about what it would mean to have kids every other month to make sure we are still on the same page. We actually talk a lot about what it means to have kids for two people who don’t want to parent lol
Anyways, sorry for making this so long. I am completely aware that my case is unique and that I am very lucky to have even crossed paths with my husband on a random museum in Australia to start with. But I just wanted to put it out there that it is possible and that finding someone to share life with doesn’t necessarily means settling down and having kids. It’s all about finding someone that is into the same life as you and building it together. I do strongly believe that the more you look for it, the harder it is to find. So just do your thing, put yourself in the places you want to be and likeminded people will come along the way.
Sending love!
@@soniachristine9450 That's beautiful! I'm so happy for you that you met your husband while traveling and that it's worked out for you. I'm definitely not looking for love, but it seems like love just hasn't come my way yet. Perhaps I'll meet the guy I'm meant to be with when I least expect it.
Fantastic points! I have a few key pointers from when I was online dating earlier this year: 1. treat it a bit like the sales, you need to sift through a lot but you might find a gem, 2. if I want my potential partner to exhibit certain traits then I’d better make sure I emulate the same! For example, I want my partner to be open and confident, then I need to think am I also open and confident? 3. You don’t need to ‘be on your best behaviour’. If this will be your person, then they will like you for you without you needing to do anything. I want to get to know the real them, so I need to only bring my real self. 4. go for short coffee dates for first dates, it’s not expensive, it can be as short as you like, and you can usually tell quickly if you get on with someone and want to see them again. 5. for second, third etc dates pick something to do that you like! You will know if you have that in common, activities make it easier to make conversation, and even if it doesn’t work out, you did something fun that you like!
thing is, my parents fell in love at first sight and r still together, tho that was in their late twenties and before that my mother did go thru a lot of not so good relationships with way older man/cheaters. She didn't even think she was gonna get married, she completely accepted that faith and just then, she met my father.
Why do you just assume your parents are telling you the truth? They literally could be making the whole thing up because they do not want you to know how they actually met. Let's be honest, most people are just faking it.
@@darksaint0124What’s the point of even saying that? You’re strange
This video literally speaks my mind. I have been a maximizer for the longest time, whether it's food, buying stuff and I started becoming a maximizer in friendships as well which just hinders my ability even more to build a romantic connection. Woooow, this video really openend my eyes, thaaank you Christina, love your videos
my mind was blown learning about this too! so glad it helped u
omg this is what ive been thinking a lot! relationship is all about working out, that's why it needs commitment. love your video!
I really pray for someone who is not toxic 😢. Am not ready for any kind of drama especially now when my mom whom i would ask for advice from is no longer here
📌 stamps
0:00 - intro
01:17 - you want luck but you don’t trust it
05:02- you don’t find the right relationship, you create it
08:29 - you don’t find love you build it
11:19 - perfect partner vs good enough partner
17:49 - settling isn’t bad
22:09 - relationships aren’t special
Hey uhm whats the movie at 0:17 when the girl leaves the table?
You truly cooked with this take, good to know there are others in my generation who actually have an open mind and knows how to communicate well! Gen z has a lot of emotional & psychological turmoil to get through. people think that wanting things like love or "settling" and its honestly sad. Relationships are arguably the most important thing in our lives. Whether they be romantic ones or Platonic ones they are super important. one of things I've notice is that people often downplay the importance or romantic relationships. i understand people may have had a bad experience or even a bad breakup, that said you can't allow that to rip you away from you having another opportunity to form a loving, heathy bond with a new romantic partner. Love is beautiful and having someone you can go home to, rely on, talk to, bond with and start a family with is just purely amazing. Thanks for this great video, Christina!
Settling is inevitable bc no person can ever live up to the perfect ideal we come up with in our minds.
This is very out of topic but i really love how ur videos doesnt have any background music i find it easier to focus on what youre saying, i also find your voice very soothing to listen!
thank you !
It's a shame culture valorizes perfectionism as much as it does. Perfectionism hurts people's relationships with themselves & hurts their ability to form relationships with others. But instead of seeing this hurt as bad, perfectionists see it as "necessary" because they're so invested in the narrative they tell themselves.
When we lower our standards for ourselves & and others, we create opportunities to have our expectations exceeded. And that is so much more satisfying than simply having high standards met.
Really solid advice. Personally this is why I don’t use dating apps anymore; they put a lot of pressure on having to form a relationship instead of the founding the friendship first
I don't see what's crazy with choosing an unconditional loving partner over a house or travel. The house and travel is special when you have someone to share it with, the struggles and the good times. Lonely life on the top is a mere placeholder. Great relationships (not only romantic) are much better predicators of happiness and even longetivity.
I have high standards because I know the kind of person I feel attracted to. Certain details I can compromise on, but their core has to meet the standard or any interest I have will be fleeting and that’s not fair to that person or me.
somehow my low-attention span watched this whole video. loved it and subscribed
this is a huge compliment
it's her talking style; she's very concise. you don't feel exhausted after listening to her
my standards are just caring, respectful, helpful, honest, loyal. Personality over looks anyday of the week
Sure 😂
All I really want is to be with a guy that doesn’t make me feel judged and I can be sincere with, but to do that I need to first be vulnerable with them and that is just so scary to me😭
my standards: loves me, respects me (and others), attracted to me and not nonchalant about their feelings for me and that's it 😭 They don't even have to be my type physically bcs I automatically grow to like someone's looks when I like their soul. And idc about jobs because I don't have one either.. crazy how some ppl have told me I'm "asking for too much" with this which is like...if I asked for less that'd probably end up in one of us gettig hurt.. I feel like people are either settling for an abusive or completely unrealistic relationship and nothing in the middle, like you said..smh
Clearly! People think that when we say standart it means "superficial" or ”materialistic” intersests but it is not. Really i dont give a hum about the top 5%. We just need someone with enough social skills and self awareness and mutual interest with whom we are sure to grow with lmao. But apparently that’s to much! I mean who do we think we are?
No one tells men regardless of how the look, what they do for a living, their social status to lower their ridiculous high standards for women they don't even come close to, but will tell you that your completely reasonable standards are too much
You just need to understand the right person is not necessarily who you picture in your head. It's the person who makes you a priority and inspires you to do the same for them. That's the only standard you need and nothing less will do. If they won't make you a priority they are the wrong person. Always! And ditch the apps. The reason why people say "it'll happen when you least expect it" is those people have fun hobbies that are also social and give you opportunities to meet people without dating being the primary goal. I met my husband at karaoke but yes luck is a part of it. When we met, my usual bar was having a band so I went to a different bar for karaoke and there he was!
You are on Point!!
As a guy that have been in a long term relationship I really raise my standards that high, honesty, judge less, come to conclutions less, and knowing that you are the same as others and I am only human not a god im only human I make mistakes.
I think this is why I’m happy to be a Christian. Not to force religion or anything, but accepting Christ helped me to prepare myself to be a future wife. I never got a date, never had sex, never even had my first kiss! I’m 19 and I know I shouldn’t worry so much about dating, but it’s still a valid worry. My parents also both died when I was 4 years old, so I don’t have any parental figures to go off on. Now, I think to myself,
“If I was a man of God’s wife, how would I be?”
I started to cook more at home, I got into my Bible more, I started praying behind closed doors, I dress more comfortably, I spend 2hr a day on my phone, I started attending therapy, and etc.
Of course, within Christianity it’s a reminder that marriage is not promised to everyone. However, even if I never get married, I get comfort in knowing that I’m bettering my life compared to making relationships a 24/7 idol. There’s a guy from my college ministry I’m talking with and we’re going on a date in two days. I’m very excited and I hope it goes well. If not, God’s plan is greater than mine. :-)
Please tell us what happened after the date
Please tell us what happened after
@@fauzianalwogaIt went great! We’re texting frequently and I just got out of church service with him! We’re going to Denny’s :-)
im trying to get back into the faith so im not as religious but i feel u. it took a long time for me to just be comfortable w who i am, as i am, and just enjoy my own company (and God's). ultimately, a partner is simply a bonus in life. u are the one person who will journey w u for the rest of ur life, so its best to like ur own company before anything else ^_^
People are not attracted to the right person. They run into the right person a couple times a week lmao
Exactly
Actually, you probably come across people you find attractive everyday you leave the house. The problem is - it’s just not possible to talk to each and everyone of them!
@@UdoADHD i meant on a character level not just physical
@@zero1188 Even harder! How can you talk to all those people to even find out? Don’t be hard on yourself.
@@UdoADHD what i mean is most people would be surprised at how much they will connect with a person they talked about😂
'meeting the right person'.. is a myth? what do we think 👇
I think a lot of people are too quick to pass on someone that could be great for them. It takes a long time to get to know someone honestly, and let’s be real, we are not showing much of ourselves on dating apps anyway
I dunno honestly... speaking for myself, there's a lot going on in my lived experience that I need compatibility with (sobriety, asexuality, chronic illness, neurodivergence, etc.) and compromising in those areas has caused a stressful relationship dynamic (regardless of if the relationship is platonic, familial, or romantic). I just want someone with a calm aura, emotional maturity, a priority on health in every sense of the word, and compatibility/chemistry, and apparently even that's too much to ask for in this world.
I will say I don’t usually watch videos like this, but this one was very well put together.
Thank you, I learned a lot!
Listening to this made me anxious … I didn’t think this much about my decisions and I didn’t know most people did
So you're not overthinking dating? How is it going for you?
Well … I just follow my gut . If it clicks it clicks . If it during , it doesn’t . The irony is , a lot of men seem to be more attracted to me the less I have cared
I think you've figured something out that we've all forgotten.
@@chikamsoodume3601it’s true the less you worry the easiest it is because you come across as cool and relaxed and confident! Just be yourself unapologetically and eventually you will find a match!
Thank you for creating this video! While I’m not interested in romance, I believe that most of what you said can easily apply to friendships as well!
Totally! Just curious, how come you're not interested in romance?
@@ChristinaAaliyahI’m aroace!
got it! i'm glad this was helpful
love is not effortless. Love is about the willingness to put effort into someone and the choosing of someone. Even if you effortlessly want to chose someone, it still takes effort to love them.
love is something you do not something you feel.
It’s something you feel as well
It’s something you feel and do for someone because you want to
I'm accepted perishing alone at this point. Now I'll give into a short life hedonism
watching your video is like a therapy. I always questioned myself, why am I still single, I'm the problem maybe? I admit I didn't meet as much people. so how do I mingle and know each other lol. this video is like a reality check. all of my friends most of them are married with kids. I'm in my 30s, never been into relationship and I just fell really behind in life. of course I want a life partner. life is meant to be shared and I find life is more meaningful if you have somebody to share. that just me tho. and my good friend said, don't focus too much on settling down. there must be reasons why I am become today. I have yet to find the answer. I hope this waiting game would be worthwhile 💔
This video is gold and resonates with a lot of what I've been saying on my channel. Your story telling ability makes you really easy to listen to and I hope you get more and more successful.
Hey, as a maximizer and a perfectionist to the core but as a person with secure attachment and the desire to always make it work it ends up being such a confusing place where I'm always anxious I might be making a mistake because of X, Y, Z, trying perhaps to fix the person or "level up" the person like I do myself and ultimately having it be the burden of the relationship. I wish I could accept my partner, but that would mean first accepting myself and my own flaws. But I do believe everyone settles in a way, and being with someone human and flawed is much better than being with someone "perfect" and not knowing when the other shoe is going to drop.
1) Be satisfied enough with who you are right now.
2) Just meet people where they’re at.
3) Get to genuinely know the person in front of you.
Then you will see if this is your person or not.
Be the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with and meet a compatible person. If your standards are reasonable, there are many people you can have a good relationship with. However, there are absolutely people out there who are wrong for you. Never allow chemistry, attraction, or charisma to trump compatibility. The two of you must have core values, beliefs, and goals in common (as well as the ability to compromise) if you are going to make it for the long haul.
Please invest in a good microphone! Your videos are extremely high quality but the sound quality is something that can turn someone off from your videos instantly.
i literally have one in my basket i wasn't sure whether to buy, this is my sign 🙌🏾
True also she has some diction problems which can be fixed easily. She has a beautiful voice though ❤
@@ChristinaAaliyahyes absolutely, I love listenable videos and your video would’ve been exactly that if it weren’t for the audio quality 😅
Dating apps make you lazy, get off them and actually speak to people! Romance is the harmony and basic hope of existence, by any means don’t be a wildly romantic person, you will get hurt and you might hurt others but we are all worthy of romance and steady development of slowing into a relationship!
I hate to state the controversial thing but the the most important thing to o attract romance is how you look! I am a firm believer that if you eat well, sleep well, are enjoying your career. You are instantly attractive!
I'm aroace and have never had any interest with romantic relationships so this doesn't really apply to my life, but this is still such an interesting video for me. you're such an great creator :)
While it’s true that “you don’t find love, you build it” I also think it’s good to remember that it needs to go both ways. You shouldn’t build alone and both people need to believe and want to make it work.
The Shoots and Ladders analogy is the best "description" of dating/relationships I've ever heard.
One thing I find baffling. You look like someone in their mid 20’s and yet speak wisely like an older woman. Your channel is s gold mine of learning.
i'm 23! i had a really rough time in high school and rocky start to medical school so have a lot of experiences that have taught me a lot
@@ChristinaAaliyah😭 imma be praying for you every day until you get your medical degree.
There's another, rare, almost-usually forgotten attachment style called disorganised attachment, which is basically a combination of both anxious and avoidant but with its own, unique qualities as well. People tend to forget we exist.
This was the first video I watched of yours and I loved it! You’re so enjoyable to watch and listen to. I’m so glad my algo pushed this on me 😅 I learned so much thank you 🙌
Well I’ve been single for 9 years and actively dating all types of people so I don’t know anymore.
I recently gave up dating apps and I still meet people without apps.
I told my friends something is wrong with me.
The guy who said nothing is wrong with me we briefly dated.
He told me whenever someone likes him he loses interest.
The guy I dated after him broke up with me and he said he doesn’t feel a big spark and that maybe he should be more patient.
The guy before him told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious when he met me but got into a relationship a few months later.
Guess I’m really unlucky.
I think you met people that have a wrong view of what loving someone for the long term is. Dont try to find someone you'll get in touch with someone that has the same values and appreciates you for who you are naturally.
@@steeveolivier2847 no she doing stuff too them that she don't realize a lot of the time people walk away cause we r the problem
You will probably meet someone when you’re not looking at all. Give it to God/the universe. A lot of people don’t meet a good partner til they are older after 30 and 40. Whether single or committed make the best of it. Focus on the pros of being single.
@@MelModica most of the men I met I wasn’t looking. I never attract men when I’m sad or depressed about being single.
I attract these men when I’m happily single. I’m usually hesitant in the beginning because I don’t want dating to interfere with my happiness.
They are usually persistent and once I start to feel comfortable with them they fade or ghost.
I find that it doesn't matter whether I show interest towards a guy or not. They seem to lose interest anyway. I've had a guy ask me out where I felt enthusiastic to go out with them and then they just never mentioned the date again and never made a plan and then there was another guy who asked me for coffee saying he was very into me and I was being ambivalent, saying I didn't know him well enough to know whether I liked him or not and then he never followed through with a coffee date, so I think if a guy isn't in that relationship state of mind, nothing will happen.
I’m happy to see videos like this because I’ve recently been overwhelmed with how much bad dating advice there is on the internet.
My biggest issue is I'm just never given a chance. I went on my only date ever last month (a week before my 31st birthday) and it went well but she just got too busy to hang out again. I'd love to get another chance with a girl but it just seems impossible at times.
Timing is part of it!
If that doesn’t work-that’s not your person.
Speaking from experience about the "spark"; everytime ive had this with someone it has ended terribly and we hurt each others feelings in awful ways. Better to build something for sure. It just is harder find people to build with.
This video just made me realize how much I love my boyfriend and how afraid I am to be left behind by him.
This is a date video I can get behind.
11:40 that’s not crazy! That’s actually very reasonable. Unconditional love is a life goal for most people anyway. That’s my life goal for sure. To love and be loved is literally the purpose of our existence as human beings. Everything else is ancillary. Just the icing on the cake. But the cake is gross on the inside no matter how much icing you put on it. It’s not going to be edible.
I can’t tell if I have high standards or not, I’ll strictly never go on apps to find a partner and rely heavy on fate to just meet someone or make a friend, but then it has to actually go well, like we have to get along great and yada yada, like, I can’t go into the dating scene with romance in mind, it feels so fake and unnatural but then that closes out like half of my opportunities to meet someone I might like, idk lol
You are right. A lot of women gone ick and check list their way through all the quality men and will find that when they learn to focus on the important things those men won’t be interested anymore lol
I'm gen z and my bf and I have been together for 8 years and counting! a lot of truth in this video, I have too many friends that have never been on a date or had their first kiss yet or friends that just look for hookups but not a relationship. my relationship was very rocky the first year and yea if we were caught up on finding the perfect person, we wouldn't have put in the work to build the relationship we have now. neither of us were perfect and we both have our issues, but we were able to work on ourselves and grow together, and this doesn't work for everyone. sometimes you do need that space from breaking up to work yourself up to being ready for a relationship. 2 people growing up very differently with different families and cultures and communication styles are bound to have miscommunication, but that doesn't mean that you should break up (abuse is very different than miscommunication, obviously you should leave any abusive relationship) also yes none of the relationships I've been in would have happened if i wasn't the person that reached out and told them i liked them lol and if one relationship doesn't work out, they weren't the right person and hopefully you have a better idea of what you want in your next relationship!
Like so many have said before me, ❤ your content! I stayed listening intently to your every word until the very end. You are wise beyond your years, and easy listening to your smooth voice and sound advice.
One thing I'll politely disagree with, while I've had 2/3 platonic male friendships that started with mutual interests, good conversation, laughter/ humor etc., if that mutual spark wasn't ever there initially, nothing but a good friendship was established and nothing else to this day. From my perspective for a romantic relationship to take off, there has to be that something, that edginess to get things started. That is just what needs to start to make things happen for me. Realize others may disagree.
New subscriber here 🎉 😊
Honestly I think ppl should go for whoever gives them the spark. The ppl that don’t are the ones who couldn’t get who they really wanted to they gave up but deep down that’s what everyone wants. Most couples are boring bc most ppl are not with their first choice but have to rationalize that they made a good choice to feel good about their decision making. I’m all for ppl being honest and going after what they REALLY desire. With time the spark will go down for every relationship but at least you know you lived a life going after what you actually wanted
I feel...character comes first than attraction. To speak of it clearly, just because he and I have a spark doesn't mean we are a better fit for each other. He might have some questionable habits that might hurt me and the family we might create. Sure it might get boring once in a while, but I wouldn't ever want to compromise a peaceful life with a chaotic one. I would prefer practicality over the fleeting Attraction based one. It's just a personal opinion tho.
It's important to mesh well and enjoy each other's company, but often a spark is just what people mistake anxiety for. Seeking out that anxiety is what gets you stuck with people who treat you poorly, it's exciting because they aren't showing up for you in the way you need, so you are always left wanting more.
hey ! I love what you do and i think it would be great to also upload your videos as podcast. I often find myself just listening and doing something else and it's great !
noted! i can totally make this happen
I met this video at the right time 😊 your videos are always make me think
food for thought 💭
If more people would have grown up in healthy and secure families, in a healthy society, more people would be able to project that healthy connection onto others. Most people are royally effed if they don't do some serious work on themselves, deconstructing the messaging from their families and society, looking into their attachment, their needs (not wants), their emotional regulation and expression etc. and continue looking for validation from the outside world through other insecure people projecting their crap all over each other. Blind leading the blind etc. etc.
So… great video but I just wanted to provide hope for the romantics out there - my husband felt like love at first sight. Literally met randomly at an event and he felt like the one and he ended up being the one. 💍 ❤️
Yep! I wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time, met my partner at a party and didn’t even talk that much, but when i left, he spent the night in agony with the boys cus he wanted to be with me. We started dating a month later and now its been 6 years and planning our wedding
There's absolutely no such thing as 'the perfect someone' or simply 'the one.' There's always gonna be imperfect people wanting to either connect or detach from you if it's wanting to connect with them. You're never gonna believe that just because you watch romance, you already know a lot about dating and relationships. However it's deeper than you might expect. Not everyone will end up with their perfect picture of a partner in their minds. They're gonna end up with either close to that or the complete opposite of what they initially expected from the beginning.
all i want is 1 someone to talk to, 2 feels like someone cares
This is very similar to dating here in Asia. Most people here don't run after the elusive perfect partner.
you are so underrated
I like the idea of making the relationship. Looking at all the people around us. If we try out anyone who meets your minimums, you can enjoy the company of a variety of people until you meet who you like and want to give a bigger chance.
So, after reading all this, did you change your preferences/behaviours? In what manner? Swiping right on shorter dudes or less successful ones? This whole video seems like virte signaling with bonus steps.
A standard is fixed or established.
A wish is a strong desire or hope for something that is not easily attainable, or something that cannot or probably will not happen. Most of women’s standards are wishes, and most men have no standards because you generally date who wants to date you which for most men at this point is no one. A specific height, income, age, breast size, hairstyle, physique, etc, are all wishes and play zero role in being a good partner. That’s why even when someone lucks up and finds someone who fits all their “standards”, all the complaints of narcissism, gaslighting, love bombing, etc. start because those flimsy “standards” led you to a make believe relationship with an attractive and hollow demon.
To have "Love" has the same procedure as having anything else that you want in life.
Create it, don't sit there and wait for it.
My issue is that I’m a satisficer and I don’t have particularly high standards (I genuinely couldn’t care less about height, career, or education) and I get along well with most people, but I just have never fallen in love anyway. I had only ever dated one guy before and he was such an amazing guy but I just never felt that all-encompassing feeling that people talk about and I broke up with him because I began to worry I could never feel those things and it felt unfair to be with him if I couldn’t reciprocate his feelings. We’re still best friends to this day and I still think he was amazing and perfect for me in every way honestly. I did love him but I wasn’t in love with him if that makes any sense. I’m so worried that I may be aromantic and that I’m just not capable of feeling romantic love at all, which makes me so sad because I so desperately want to fall in love and get to feel that magical feeling people talk about, and the fear that I may be unable to experience that makes me feel so empty inside.
I think you just haven’t met the right person yet. I was like you. We literally can get along with anyone. I think I’ve met my person. Aside from being open and satisfied enough with myself I didn’t do anything different.
You need to change your perspective on what “right” is. We are all fallible beings with our own issues, baggage, and red flags. If they’re meant for you the problems they have will be worth the effort of dealing with, and overcoming together. Being in their presence will feel natural as well. Having a relationship with someone you genuinely have a deep connection with will and should improve your life overall.
I think that settling (resolving a question or problem, making a declaration) has been confused with settling /for less./
Finding something different than what you were looking for and recognizing its value is incredible lucky, and not at all underselling yourself.
I've learned that putting really high standards on people always leaves you disappointed. If you can't live up to your standards, then why should you ask others to?
Down to earth, common sense, critically thinks, adventurous, open minded, empathetic, and DOES NOT want kids. that's all i desire.
I agree! It’s not when youre least looking for your person. I think people just be saying that. I have met so many girls who have asked out guys and they have been dating for almost 3 years. I don’t think people are willing to approach people anymore
Sounds like with traveling. You do enough planning for a guideline and the rest is your adventure for better or for worse.
I really liked this video ! Thank you ❤
I’m halfway through the video, you said ‘you don’t find the right relationship, you create it’s and it’s amazing. But how do you find the right partner to create this relationship with. This is the hard question
Did the second half answer the question?
Sure, love is work but it shouldn't feel like drudgery.
This was sort of alluded to in the video, it's the companionship that matters ultimately. But speaking for myself, core values matter a whole lot and that is non-negotiable to me. That's my checklist and I am not willing to compromise on it.
I've dated men who I didn't find particularly attractive aesthetically speaking and while I did feel affection for them after getting to know them better, it often felt like I was forcing myself to give them a chance. It's not that I have high standards (I'm definitely not looking for rich men with sexy abs lol) but trying to build a relationship with someone who is not your type in whatever sense is not fair to the other person either.
totallly get you, it shouldn't feel forced
I’m definitely a maximizer and it sucks. I get along with most people and I guess have less of a deep relational style, so I really don’t feel like there’s a “special” relationship out there for me that I couldn’t find anywhere else. Like I could be with someone 20 years, leave that relationship, and be like “oh I’ll find someone else”. I don’t really think monogamy is in my nature, but I want a family, and I want someone to navigate life with. I just haven’t met someone who I feel is worth that. When things get too challenging, I’m like, “ok I want to be happy and free, I don’t need this.” And I leave.
So basically, those who grew up with parents that didnt love eachother are the ones who cant find love now… could you morph into secure attachment??
Yeah I agree to an extent that relationships aren’t that special however I feel with that mindset, you set up yourself to get hurt too. My last two relationships. I didn’t put any pressure on them, hurt one person and hurt my self the second time so I kind of get why people are cautious
great vid girly keep them coming!
My problem is everytime i have a crush on someone ,theyr already in love with some popular girl who is very clearly stringing them along for attention(she was doing this with 5 guys atleast),this simping is such a turn off ,then they start liking me back but never close enough to how much they like that girl, i cant imagine being in a relationship w a man whos secretly in love with someone else and settling for free sex with me meanwhile filling their emotional void from that girl in the name of "friends" when we all know he has feelings for her, this exact situation has happened 3 times now and im tired
4:09 she was like, that wasnt nice, lemme cut that out 🗿
I think it all comes down to vibes, if I pass women and feel no inclination to approach them then I just trust that the vibe is not there and do not beat myself up for not trying to force something. Sometimes I will come across women that I feel completely comfortable and almost obligated to approach due to a vibe that is completely in sync, and it always goes/ends well even if things don’t progress very far.
When it comes to finding a partner I would just tell people to be open to the vibes in people around you and work on yourself in the meantime. When the perfect vibe comes along you wont have a choice lol it will just happen