I was diagnosed with bpd, bi polar, adhd and cptsd all in 2020. Was the first time I have ever been seen by a professional for anything. My sexual abuse trauma started at 4 years old with members of my family.. followed by having no dad and an alcoholic and abusive mother. Bpd is definitely a roller coaster but I am so thankful for you Professor because you’ve taught me so much about myself and the way I think. It constantly aids me in my daily living. Thank you.
It’s seriously crazy how much a combination of CPTSD, ADD and codependency can look just like BPD. Throw alcohol/addiction and major nervous system dysregulation into the mix and the resemblance is uncanny
Was with a BPD girl for a year. She's stunningly beautiful and has a very child-like sweet side to her. We had one small disagreement that escalated very dramatically. Saw a side to her I never had before. Was screaming, yelling, etc. I never knew she had abandonment issues. I held fairly strong boundaries for what type of woman I wanted because I just got out of a long-term NPD marriage where my kids were used as hostages against me. Within minutes of the argument, had packed all of her stuff and left the state. I foolishly allowed her to stay in my home in California. Her Mom convinced me she was still in love with me and would never love another person. She blocked me on social within 2 weeks and started dating guys behind my back without ever breaking up with me. I didn't have proof but had a strong suspicion and kicked her out of my home but later got proof. Instead of taking responsibility for why I would do something like this, she said it was narcissistic abuse because I was purposely making her feel the fear of being homeless. Long story short, I have a feeling she did wild stuff like gloryholes, orgies, etc. This is speculation, but she said some of her friends did these things and was probably just projection. She's gotten an STD in the past. Her Mom has had STD and still practices wild sex kinks at age 60. She told me I turned her into 'a broken hoe'. Also said she was self-harming, was suicidal, but never saw marks on her body after we got back together and refused to tell me what the nature of this was which made me believe it was sexual. Her and her mother gaslit me into believing I was the source of all this happening to her. The whole mothership thing happened and I literally felt I had to rescue my baby. We got back together and I started going to intense counseling 3x a week to map out how I might have done this to her. I found out I had some trauma from my ex-wife and some codependency and was probably excessively harsh with her on a few occasions. She never 'officially' broke up with me and ended up having sex with a guy that she said had rape allegations against, dealt drugs, was part-time employed, cursed at his Mom in front of her, etc. I found out about this after we got back together... What struck me was she didn't even care about me during this state. I absorbed all the blame and even felt suicidal over it. I told her I was scared. Told her I didn't want to work on things if she was going to go off and date. She wouldn't give a straight answer. So when I showed up the best I possibly could, absorbed every ounce of blame for what she was going through, she was off screwing losers. She was drinking excessively, etc. Once I found out the details of this, I lost it and raged on her. I told her how gross it was, I didn't want to see her or touch her. She started packing her bags and I told her I would help her. Told her to get the fuck out of my house. She's going around telling everyone she was narcissistically abused. I went and got tested because I don't want to hurt anyone in future relationships if I was the source. Till this day she literally ignores me when I remind her what the definition of cheating is. She won't acknowledge it whatsover. Even told me she wouldn't be able to handle that if the tables were turned. I was used to completely scapegoat all of her wild self-destructive behavior. I can't tell you how bad this messed my mind up. The image I held of her as being a precious innocent girl that was madly in love with me, only to be devalued this strongly is unreal. I don't wish this upon anyone. Incredibly hard to see someone so beautiful, so child-like live a life like this... Unlike someone with NPD, she doesn't have the manipulative skills to secure and keep a relationship. She will literally either end her life at some point or contract HIV. I absolutely loath her parents for doing this to her. Both wildly narcissistic. Even after being cheated on, I feel so utterly sorry for her. I don't hold anything against her and wish her the absolute best.
You were with an NPD and then with a BPD. What makes you susceptible to cluster B personality disorder partners? What's your relationship with your mother like? Btw I'm sorry you had to go through this, I am just witnessing my friend being destructed in a marriage with a woman who is most probably BPD or HPD. Very scary to watch from objective perspective. Good luck
J... I feel you and the way you explained your relationshit. You described my ex.. these histrionic b*tchs just dont give. They Do what they want when they want. It's only Up to us to draw the Line when it's enough. Hang in There, i lived with the same kind.
I cried through most of the lecture. I left during triangulation, because I don't tolerate cheating. I told her to seek help in anger. I feel like a such a pieace of sh*t. This is so sad. I don't know how to live with this knowledge. To anyone struggling with this. Please, don't hate yourself. You are not a monster. Just a very hurt human being. Please find help. You deserve a life and a loving partner.
My ex-girlfriend left 5 months ago. I found out a week ago that she's already married. Everyone tells me 'you dodged a bullet'. It doesn't change the fact that I had feelings towards her. I am very sad, confused, and angry.
Going through exactly that right now... And yeah, discarded and made me feel like trash...While calling me drunk to tell me of conquests...Started to tell me of small things like getting kissed then another morning of a guy "laying on her for an hour and a half".... And now supposedly she's with the guy that she found at the bar and kissed her... Yeah...Feeling like a...Trying to heal but....yeah, trying
@@metalassassin8841 Block her and save your sanity!! Its going to hurt like hell. But you gotta do it man. I am 7 months out, I still have questions, I still get sad and get mood swings but I am in a better place to cope. Take it as a blessing that she left, this relationships only go down hill. My ex is already having problems with her husband. Tells you a lot about these kind of individuals. I recommend going to support groups online. I just listed and you will see how many people go through the same shit. Reach out man, go to therapy it helps!!! Godspeed!!!!!
@@metalassassin8841 Keep your sanity, Block her!! Cut all contact!! I recommend going to narcissistic support groups, look online and just listen to people talk about their experiences. It will help you see how they all act similar. I am 7 months out and the wave of emotions becomes less and less frequent. YOU"VE GOT TO CUT CONTACT AT ALL COST!!!! Reach out to a therapist and take this opportunity to do inner work. Take it as a blessing to better yourself!! Make yourself the priority. Take care of yourself!! Do not self medicate, alcohol and drugs are only going to prolonged the pain. Ride the emotions, FEEL THEM!!! Get plenty of sleep, start working out and eat clean! You will come out the other side a better man!!
Great video. Not much has been spoken about the violent traits of the BPD. My ex girlfriend of 3 years was extremely violent. She would fight at the slightest perceived threat. She consistently abused me and vandalized my belongings. Finally as we were riding in my car and I told her I couldn't take it anymore, she pulls a knife from her bag and stabs me. As I drove to the hospital she let me know all the reasons I deserved it. Shes now awaiting a grand jury trial.
@Crucibelle Exactly.... The investigator had interviewed her a couple of times and I could tell she had already wooed him. But oh well she is bound over to grand jury. I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. To be as ignorant as ahe was she sure had me twisted.
Almost everything you describe is what I experienced and it’s so comforting just to have a reference point to understand better “why”, and helps me not take things so personally. Thank you.
I think more than than simply self sabotaging because the bpd thinks they deserve it, but a desire to stop the 'emptiness' when things are somewhat peaceful. Going back to a relationship fulfills a feeling of connection even if its painful. To feel something. Just as those who cut... they do to 'feel' .
Thanks for your own open humor about my pain filled, aftermath with a borderline friend who understands but not accepted my help , tried to get experts i but they could not do it, no law rules can safe her. That is like seeing her pain filled eyes after my tears and advise i still have no rest .
You perfectly described my bpd ex-girlfriend to a T. She often blamed drugs for her choices before she met me, particularly for engaging in sexual activity she later regretted. Your explanation was spot on.
Thank you so much for clearing this up for me, A short version of my story was I was studying to complete my engineering degree, and I had no time to see her. So one night I received a phone call while studying that she is out drunk and crying over me. I contacted her to find out where she was she told me, i drove there and upon my arrival as I stopped behind her car, there was a young man leaning in by her window with his phone out. I got out of my car which was parked behind hers and as i approached them he ran toward his car which was parked in front of hers. I reached her window and asked what was going on to which she replied its nothing the guy was just checking she was okay. Long story short i asked her to come home with me as she could not drive in her state, to which she replied, no its okay she will go home. I stood there and spoke with her and got her a coca cola from a nearby garage to assist to sober her up. I was there for about an hour trying to convince to her to which she eventually told me , please know she loves me but this between us must stop and end. I asked her to please answer her phone as I want to know that she gets home safely. Regardless I called she multiple times after I let her drive she did not answer. The next morning I received a phone call from a family member of hers asking if she is by me as she did not come home. I immediately worried and began to contact multiple hospitals. It was later that morning I received a call she is home now. I only realized later and after this video what she had actually done that evening with the young guy who was standing by her car window. It still haunts me however Sam, I am so greatful that you have assisted to help me understand this disorder. God Bless.
This video made me so sad. It reminded me of my ex-wife who abandoned me and the kids, and I never understood why until I started watching these vidoes. I always loved her, but I had a big surgery, was depressed for years and maybe not as affectionate as I should have been, but I had a mid-life crisis that involved sleeping on my own, since I was embarassed by my illnes. By the time I came out of it, she was cheating on me prolifically and said some of the cruelest things to both me and my daughter. I feel sorry for her now...I forgive her, still love her, but could never take her back, becasue the images captured by the private investigators have scoured my brain forever. She's living pathetically now, drinking too much, smoking pot and living with a series of men in the last several years. Never attends any holiday functions even when my children go over to her mother's house. I am simultaneously mad for leaving me a single father, while at the same time even more sad for her.
Sorry to hear that. My ex has gone down a dark path of drinking and promiscuity as well. I still love her but like this video says, the damage she's done in just a few months burned any bridge she had towards me. It's so strange they do this. It's as if they know they are trash then they want to prove to you they are trash by acting out and destroying themselves.
Move on guys , you deserve better . By ruminating , you are doing self thrashing and there are lot of good woman still out there . I am so great full to come out of 6 years of marriage with a BPD woman and countless legal battles with her. I am now with a amazing woman and my ex is just raising her legs 🦵 for any scum that crosses her path , Karama will get her sooner or later , not my issue at all
It's been really valuable listening to you regarding this. I have been with a woman for the last 3 years and been dealing with some of the fallout from these kinds of symptoms. She wholeheartedly denies having BPD but there are so many markers that align with what you describe it's hard to deny that in fact I've been a victim of this.
Ive witnessed my 22yr old friend regress to a toddler like behaviour for about 30minutes, she takes mdma very often, i have no idea if she was on it that night but she was a bit drunk. It was like seeing a compeletely different person yet she kept coming back from this state just to apologize to us for the bebaviour. Its like she knew it was happening but had no control over it. Next time we met it wasnt mentioned, like it never happened. I wanna help but im not sure how to approach her, she will never admit that she needs help.
that took me deep l felt like l was being pulled underwater bye my hands holding on was my understanding the end was my in breath l grasp the meaning, l now know what l feel. thankyou Sam your insight is razor blade Sharp. 👍☸👍
THANKYOU!! Your detailed description and deep insight describe my thoughts and behaviour to a tee. Have struggled to understand what is wrong me, for about 30 yrs. Much reflection and trying to change thoughts and behaviour, alternative therapies etc etc..etc You have helped greatly and provided so much more insight, to help me understand why I have been 'struggling' for so long. Finally went to see a Psychologist and diagnosed with BPD and CPSTD, 2 yrs ago
I think I'm BPD... I personally have found looking back to all the past relationships that I devalue when the guy I have dated I wasn't originally sexually attracted to but date because I can see they are a decent guy and tbh just want to be loved and feel loved but if I am sexually attracted to them I become crazy "inlove with the guy and they always turn out to be narcissists - the ones I become crazy inlove with...does that sound weird to anyone? Or make sense? I've given up on dating
same thing happened to me, she got drunk, had drunk consensual sex with a total loser and then had the audacity to say she was date raped, and barely remember what happened. wtf?
The more I watch videos on bpd the more I can relate it to a person I know, the more I do this, the more I wish I saw these videos sooner. As someone who acts in patterns myself when I'm not medicated, it can be infuriating to know this now because I already understood the pattern but couldn't explain why. Thanks for all the videos.
If a borderline woman makes a mistake perceiving being abandoned, while the partner goes on a business trip and she starts the devaluing stage, is it possible to "snap her out of it", when you get back? My first shock in the same sex relationship was coming back and realizing that her daily "love letters" for me were the opposite of mine and kinda hate letters of a person, who thought she was abandoned. The relationship eventually fell apart and I recognize a lot of behavior and stages in your descriptions in the lecture. Just wondered if there was something I could have done differently.
It is usually totally reversed when your presence is restored. But by that time the Borderline usually acts out and does something horrible with a long-lasting deleterious impact.
Thank you for this informative video. With regard to splitting, something I think needs more information is why the child “gets stuck” at this young stage of development and why they are unable to integrate good/bad aspects of a parent. This is not without reason. To my mind the dual aspects of a parent can’t be integrated as firstly the child does not understand that the person who is meant to take care of me is also the same person who harms me, plus it is a defence mechanism in the sense of now I see abusive parent is present, i will do what is required behaviourally to keep myself safe. Unfortunately these are the behaviours that continue on into adulthood such as hyper vigilance for others behaviour so protective measures for safety can be put in place. Discernment in adulthood instead of instant default to splitting is the skill that needs to be learnt.
Hi sam this series have been really amazing Sadly I have seen my self portrait in this videos and happly not for cutting my self with a knife but as you said I‘ve been self destructive in too many other ways Without having this knowledge I’ve been very intuitive in the sense that I’ve isolate my self since 2009 because I feel too much pain every time I Get to close to people Do you plan to mate some video with information about something to do about it ? I understand know that this condition is going to be with me my hole life and I’m starting to see it know like a disability How to have a life being like this without hurting your self or others? Thanks
Tons of resources out there for therapy. Even free by calling 211 for resources. Good luck to you! And, these videos are also helpful. Self- awareness and journaling helps to see how you express your feelings and possibly, hopefully change. For me, staying sober has helped me to get to what is really going on underneath!
Thank you so much Sam. I appreciate the information you are putting out there about this topic and would love to keep learning more about whatever you know regarding BPD and even dissociative identity disorder as well. Thank you again. 🙏🏼
Also, what do you recommend for those with borderline to treat and heal themselves so that they are not struggling with this anymore? Is there hope? Can they be healed and become whole? and if so, how? Does your cold therapy apply? or does another form of therapy help with this? Thank you Sam. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
@@samvaknin Hello Prof. Vaknin. I would like to learn more about the spontaneous healing of BPD at age 45+. Also on the prevelance of bisexuality in BPD.
You have it so figured out. I am watching this happen to a couple, and it is exactly as you describe it.. I can watch your videos and know exactly what they are going to do next and it is correct every time, sadly.
Some genetic component and, like in psychopathy, brain structural and functional abnormalities predispose the individual to BPD. Still, it is widely considered to be the outcome of childhood abuse of all kinds.
question: if someone has some of the BPD symptoms at some times with certain sadistic personality types and then is completely normal with normal people is that still full blown BPD or is that complex PTSD?
The antisocial traits and behaviors in BPD manifest mainly under stress and anxiety. Borderlines can put on a show of normalcy (to get a job they are after for instance).
Prof. Sam, my situation had an ex-wife which is bpd and her mum is Narcissistic, i always felt her mum as a controlling beast in the shadows. The ex-wife had a male friend who is always idealized no matter how i tried to convince her otherwise. I think this dynamic would be great if u can share your thoughts on it.
Comorbidities in DSM IV are a major problem. It simply means that you are a psychopathic narcissist (histrionic and borderline pds are now considered secondary psychopathy in women).
@@samvaknin Exactly. BPDs even don't understand that histrionic component in them. As soon as they are at home with the door closed, they are lying on the sofa, taking xanax and alcohol. As soon as they are in the sauna, they have to show the most sympathetic behaviour, trying to seduce every man inside the sauna, even sometime pushing the limit and doing even thing there that shouldn't be.
With time, it seems I developed traits of borderline or bipolar. Or is it possible to be the victim of a narcissist without these psychological issues? I am asking this because after I ended this relationship (3 years) I feel depleted completely, which makes me ask Do Borderlines have false self or Do they have True self that is not completely void? I heard you say that Borderlines can be cured, and it gives me hope I will get back to my soul and my feet.
simplest is focusing on yourself and pretending to be single forever! the fakeness vs fakeness... and enjoy the friendship... but don't allow her to take your finances and life away from yourself.
Hi Sam. How can you back up the statement that "In the case of a borderline, there is only negative emotions. This IS her personality"? I mean, would you have some studies or links/ articles to suggest that speak for this? I'm asking, because I'm trying to understand my bpd diagnosis better. I do have positive emotions and I feel the ability to feel joy, love, affection etc, every now and then (very greatly, even), though more rarely. My diagnosis was given to me quite late in life and I've gone through a lot of mental struggle during my life. Gathering information to gain a better understansing of myself.. wondering if it in fact has been a correct diagnosis for myself. Thank you in advance, if you can take the time to respond. Enjoying your vids, mostly.
@@Lexilea68Oh, blessing to you for picking up on this. To your comment, who knows :D ..the boundaries of personality disorders and other mental conditions are always so vague. We are vibrant human animals and embodied souls, compiled of unique characteristics, each of us, primordially..
Much of what you say is so concise and it is greatly appreciated. The identity of "scum" I am struggling with. My ex ticks all the boxes and the relationship ended in complete devastation. I am going to the doctor's for a mental health plan and a referral if necessary. I need to understand my part in a failed relationship now that it is over. I want to know if I am a narcissist or borderline also. Will they tell me my diagnosis?
@@samvaknin It is absolutely true. As an healthy partner you beg to intimacy. You will cry in your bed, alone. You "have" probably the most attractive woman you ever wanted to be with, but you get no intimacy which is the goal of a relation. You may have the feeling to be "with" a "professional". You then feel like a supply, being used, abused, manipulated like a puppet trying to maintain the relation balance right which happens only sporadically. And sometime you think you maintain it right and you are wrong. The more you give her love and the more you do for the relation, the more you feed her disease. Every partner think they can save them and they are simply feeding the disease and triggering even more intern pain.
I've gone through this for 30 year with my partner ,and I have autism so have attachments issues so I feel lost when she goes off out of my life and now know she punished herself and me she lives a double life with me likes to be homely and quiet and settled and whe leaves my life goes on pause and I feel lost till she comes back in to my life again and she an alcoholic who sex randomly
Is there any way that we can help the bpd woman. I have 6 children with and the self mutilation was severe along with the alcohol and everything you pointed out. Can they be saved as human beings and be normal. How do we fill the hole that is missing in them. How do we give the love they didn’t get as a child. I need the holy grail answer. 🖐🏻🙏🏻💙
a lot of people try to love bomb them as soon as they learn about this but it actually has the oppostie effect and eventually you'll became sucked out of your vital energy
Something took over my body last night and I was just fighting everyone..i got drunk I blacked out..had sex with the owner of the bar while I went out with a man..reaching home I broke all window glasses down😢😢😢😢
Codependents suppress or deny their anger and own needs. Borderliners pretend to deny their own needs, and they display anger frequently, often disproportionately. They are very different.
@@aboetarikske btw, ye its been like 4-5 months of no contanct from me (I was also blocked), she came back when her boyfiend dumbed her telling her she behaves like a 10 year old child and she should go to psychologist (that guy has huge ego as well). Then she tried to contact me on social media for like 2 months but I was not responding or very minimally. Then she started saying that she misses me much and she misses the old bond we had. Then we met and had a nice time and after that she devalued me again. End of story. Probably will see her again in next few months.
@@pajaczek972 It's over now. forever. You will never get her back, she will come back briefly when she has no one else then ghost you when she finds new supply. Keep in mind she is a evil person. It's not her fault, but by product of being BPD, she will cause a great deal of damage to you if you don't cut it off completely.
![Coheed and Cambria - Searching for Tomorrow [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/hDsYGLbmadg/mqdefault.jpg)
Every time I quit one form of self-harm, I start another one. The possibilities are endless.
You deserve a ton of supply..great video. Can't even tell you how great it is . thank you
k ras 😂😂😂
@@Mdzo250 seriously I love the video. It is brilliant
You have outdone yourself in this latest series from 2 months ago until now. Fascinating.
😂
Lol
I was diagnosed with bpd, bi polar, adhd and cptsd all in 2020. Was the first time I have ever been seen by a professional for anything. My sexual abuse trauma started at 4 years old with members of my family.. followed by having no dad and an alcoholic and abusive mother. Bpd is definitely a roller coaster but I am so thankful for you Professor because you’ve taught me so much about myself and the way I think. It constantly aids me in my daily living. Thank you.
Are you therapy? Sorry this happened to you.
It’s seriously crazy how much a combination of CPTSD, ADD and codependency can look just like BPD. Throw alcohol/addiction and major nervous system dysregulation into the mix and the resemblance is uncanny
I am a borderliner that avoids all sex and intimate realationship due to the stress and pain that it is causing.
Same here
@@shannamarie8816 It’s a good thing.
Me too. Going on 16 years now.
Was with a BPD girl for a year. She's stunningly beautiful and has a very child-like sweet side to her. We had one small disagreement that escalated very dramatically. Saw a side to her I never had before. Was screaming, yelling, etc. I never knew she had abandonment issues. I held fairly strong boundaries for what type of woman I wanted because I just got out of a long-term NPD marriage where my kids were used as hostages against me. Within minutes of the argument, had packed all of her stuff and left the state. I foolishly allowed her to stay in my home in California. Her Mom convinced me she was still in love with me and would never love another person. She blocked me on social within 2 weeks and started dating guys behind my back without ever breaking up with me. I didn't have proof but had a strong suspicion and kicked her out of my home but later got proof. Instead of taking responsibility for why I would do something like this, she said it was narcissistic abuse because I was purposely making her feel the fear of being homeless.
Long story short, I have a feeling she did wild stuff like gloryholes, orgies, etc. This is speculation, but she said some of her friends did these things and was probably just projection. She's gotten an STD in the past. Her Mom has had STD and still practices wild sex kinks at age 60. She told me I turned her into 'a broken hoe'. Also said she was self-harming, was suicidal, but never saw marks on her body after we got back together and refused to tell me what the nature of this was which made me believe it was sexual.
Her and her mother gaslit me into believing I was the source of all this happening to her. The whole mothership thing happened and I literally felt I had to rescue my baby. We got back together and I started going to intense counseling 3x a week to map out how I might have done this to her. I found out I had some trauma from my ex-wife and some codependency and was probably excessively harsh with her on a few occasions.
She never 'officially' broke up with me and ended up having sex with a guy that she said had rape allegations against, dealt drugs, was part-time employed, cursed at his Mom in front of her, etc. I found out about this after we got back together... What struck me was she didn't even care about me during this state. I absorbed all the blame and even felt suicidal over it. I told her I was scared. Told her I didn't want to work on things if she was going to go off and date. She wouldn't give a straight answer. So when I showed up the best I possibly could, absorbed every ounce of blame for what she was going through, she was off screwing losers. She was drinking excessively, etc.
Once I found out the details of this, I lost it and raged on her. I told her how gross it was, I didn't want to see her or touch her. She started packing her bags and I told her I would help her. Told her to get the fuck out of my house. She's going around telling everyone she was narcissistically abused. I went and got tested because I don't want to hurt anyone in future relationships if I was the source. Till this day she literally ignores me when I remind her what the definition of cheating is. She won't acknowledge it whatsover. Even told me she wouldn't be able to handle that if the tables were turned. I was used to completely scapegoat all of her wild self-destructive behavior. I can't tell you how bad this messed my mind up. The image I held of her as being a precious innocent girl that was madly in love with me, only to be devalued this strongly is unreal. I don't wish this upon anyone.
Incredibly hard to see someone so beautiful, so child-like live a life like this... Unlike someone with NPD, she doesn't have the manipulative skills to secure and keep a relationship. She will literally either end her life at some point or contract HIV. I absolutely loath her parents for doing this to her. Both wildly narcissistic. Even after being cheated on, I feel so utterly sorry for her. I don't hold anything against her and wish her the absolute best.
You were with an NPD and then with a BPD. What makes you susceptible to cluster B personality disorder partners? What's your relationship with your mother like?
Btw I'm sorry you had to go through this, I am just witnessing my friend being destructed in a marriage with a woman who is most probably BPD or HPD. Very scary to watch from objective perspective. Good luck
J... I feel you and the way you explained your relationshit. You described my ex.. these histrionic b*tchs just dont give. They Do what they want when they want. It's only Up to us to draw the Line when it's enough. Hang in There, i lived with the same kind.
I can add a third voice, just ending it today after 13 years with a four-year-old baby now in the mix
@@vinnye9803can you tell the experience that you had with your histrionic ex? How did she damage you.
Yours is more extreme than mine but the blueprint is identical. I feel you brother.
I cried through most of the lecture. I left during triangulation, because I don't tolerate cheating. I told her to seek help in anger. I feel like a such a pieace of sh*t. This is so sad. I don't know how to live with this knowledge. To anyone struggling with this. Please, don't hate yourself. You are not a monster. Just a very hurt human being. Please find help. You deserve a life and a loving partner.
My ex-girlfriend left 5 months ago. I found out a week ago that she's already married. Everyone tells me 'you dodged a bullet'. It doesn't change the fact that I had feelings towards her. I am very sad, confused, and angry.
They made me feel like a monster. I’m sure they had to paint that picture of me to cope with what they had done.
Going through exactly that right now... And yeah, discarded and made me feel like trash...While calling me drunk to tell me of conquests...Started to tell me of small things like getting kissed then another morning of a guy "laying on her for an hour and a half".... And now supposedly she's with the guy that she found at the bar and kissed her...
Yeah...Feeling like a...Trying to heal but....yeah, trying
@@metalassassin8841 Block her and save your sanity!! Its going to hurt like hell. But you gotta do it man. I am 7 months out, I still have questions, I still get sad and get mood swings but I am in a better place to cope. Take it as a blessing that she left, this relationships only go down hill. My ex is already having problems with her husband. Tells you a lot about these kind of individuals. I recommend going to support groups online. I just listed and you will see how many people go through the same shit. Reach out man, go to therapy it helps!!! Godspeed!!!!!
@@metalassassin8841 Keep your sanity, Block her!! Cut all contact!! I recommend going to narcissistic support groups, look online and just listen to people talk about their experiences. It will help you see how they all act similar. I am 7 months out and the wave of emotions becomes less and less frequent. YOU"VE GOT TO CUT CONTACT AT ALL COST!!!! Reach out to a therapist and take this opportunity to do inner work. Take it as a blessing to better yourself!! Make yourself the priority. Take care of yourself!! Do not self medicate, alcohol and drugs are only going to prolonged the pain. Ride the emotions, FEEL THEM!!! Get plenty of sleep, start working out and eat clean! You will come out the other side a better man!!
As a former addict and current addiction counselor, I really resonate with this. We need your unique way of interpreting human behavior Sam Vaknin!
I rarely find a medical professional who talks about bpd in a way that feels accurate to my experience
Woah. I have BPD and the thing u said about the self harm with men.... weird how accurate. I don’t even get my head but u do
Great video. Not much has been spoken about the violent traits of the BPD. My ex girlfriend of 3 years was extremely violent. She would fight at the slightest perceived threat. She consistently abused me and vandalized my belongings. Finally as we were riding in my car and I told her I couldn't take it anymore, she pulls a knife from her bag and stabs me. As I drove to the hospital she let me know all the reasons I deserved it. Shes now awaiting a grand jury trial.
wow
Omg 😳
@Crucibelle Exactly.... The investigator had interviewed her a couple of times and I could tell she had already wooed him. But oh well she is bound over to grand jury. I can't believe I stayed as long as I did. To be as ignorant as ahe was she sure had me twisted.
@@sophiejensen3484 Im just glad it wasnt a gun.
@@tdesq.2463 Thanks yeah I'm doing much better now..
Almost everything you describe is what I experienced and it’s so comforting just to have a reference point to understand better “why”, and helps me not take things so personally. Thank you.
I think more than than simply self sabotaging because the bpd thinks they deserve it, but a desire to stop the 'emptiness' when things are somewhat peaceful. Going back to a relationship fulfills a feeling of connection even if its painful. To feel something. Just as those who cut... they do to 'feel' .
Hi Sam, a humble request, please share some insights on borderline men, whenever you can. Many thanks for the great content.
Haha "More than 50 shades" slipped one in there, right? Dr Sam. Good One. As always brilliant insights. Much Love.
Thanks for your own open humor about my pain filled, aftermath with a borderline friend who understands but not accepted my help , tried to get experts i but they could not do it, no law rules can safe her. That is like seeing her pain filled eyes after my tears and advise i still have no rest .
You perfectly described my bpd ex-girlfriend to a T. She often blamed drugs for her choices before she met me, particularly for engaging in sexual activity she later regretted. Your explanation was spot on.
Thank you so much for clearing this up for me, A short version of my story was I was studying to complete my engineering degree, and I had no time to see her. So one night I received a phone call while studying that she is out drunk and crying over me. I contacted her to find out where she was she told me, i drove there and upon my arrival as I stopped behind her car, there was a young man leaning in by her window with his phone out. I got out of my car which was parked behind hers and as i approached them he ran toward his car which was parked in front of hers. I reached her window and asked what was going on to which she replied its nothing the guy was just checking she was okay. Long story short i asked her to come home with me as she could not drive in her state, to which she replied, no its okay she will go home. I stood there and spoke with her and got her a coca cola from a nearby garage to assist to sober her up. I was there for about an hour trying to convince to her to which she eventually told me , please know she loves me but this between us must stop and end. I asked her to please answer her phone as I want to know that she gets home safely. Regardless I called she multiple times after I let her drive she did not answer. The next morning I received a phone call from a family member of hers asking if she is by me as she did not come home. I immediately worried and began to contact multiple hospitals. It was later that morning I received a call she is home now. I only realized later and after this video what she had actually done that evening with the young guy who was standing by her car window. It still haunts me however Sam, I am so greatful that you have assisted to help me understand this disorder. God Bless.
I scan the target for signs of rejection while also scanning for potential signs of weakness.
Ditto!!! 😁😂❤️
It is weakness to fear everybody. Nothing to be proud of.
This video made me so sad. It reminded me of my ex-wife who abandoned me and the kids, and I never understood why until I started watching these vidoes. I always loved her, but I had a big surgery, was depressed for years and maybe not as affectionate as I should have been, but I had a mid-life crisis that involved sleeping on my own, since I was embarassed by my illnes. By the time I came out of it, she was cheating on me prolifically and said some of the cruelest things to both me and my daughter. I feel sorry for her now...I forgive her, still love her, but could never take her back, becasue the images captured by the private investigators have scoured my brain forever. She's living pathetically now, drinking too much, smoking pot and living with a series of men in the last several years. Never attends any holiday functions even when my children go over to her mother's house. I am simultaneously mad for leaving me a single father, while at the same time even more sad for her.
Sorry to hear that. My ex has gone down a dark path of drinking and promiscuity as well. I still love her but like this video says, the damage she's done in just a few months burned any bridge she had towards me. It's so strange they do this. It's as if they know they are trash then they want to prove to you they are trash by acting out and destroying themselves.
Move on guys , you deserve better . By ruminating , you are doing self thrashing and there are lot of good woman still out there . I am so great full to come out of 6 years of marriage with a BPD woman and countless legal battles with her. I am now with a amazing woman and my ex is just raising her legs 🦵 for any scum that crosses her path , Karama will get her sooner or later , not my issue at all
It's been really valuable listening to you regarding this. I have been with a woman for the last 3 years and been dealing with some of the fallout from these kinds of symptoms. She wholeheartedly denies having BPD but there are so many markers that align with what you describe it's hard to deny that in fact I've been a victim of this.
I'm in the devaluation phase
Update
Sam is always right. That he makes yet another video to show us that he is always right, we are grateful ❤
My bpd ex took mdma the night she split. I never saw her again after 10 months of idealization.
Ive witnessed my 22yr old friend regress to a toddler like behaviour for about 30minutes, she takes mdma very often, i have no idea if she was on it that night but she was a bit drunk. It was like seeing a compeletely different person yet she kept coming back from this state just to apologize to us for the bebaviour. Its like she knew it was happening but had no control over it. Next time we met it wasnt mentioned, like it never happened. I wanna help but im not sure how to approach her, she will never admit that she needs help.
Can you do a video on superficial charm in psychopaths and narcissists? i.e. how do they charm people?
that took me deep l felt like l was being pulled underwater bye my hands holding on was my understanding the end was my in breath l grasp the meaning, l now know what l feel. thankyou Sam your insight is razor blade Sharp. 👍☸👍
THANKYOU!!
Your detailed description and deep insight describe my thoughts and behaviour to a tee.
Have struggled to understand what is wrong me, for about 30 yrs.
Much reflection and trying to change thoughts and behaviour, alternative therapies etc etc..etc
You have helped greatly and provided so much more insight, to help me understand why I have been 'struggling' for so long.
Finally went to see a Psychologist and diagnosed with BPD and CPSTD, 2 yrs ago
11:49 😂😂🤣 TRIGGERED!! btw that first 10 min breakdown was beyond👍🙏💗
I think I'm BPD... I personally have found looking back to all the past relationships that I devalue when the guy I have dated I wasn't originally sexually attracted to but date because I can see they are a decent guy and tbh just want to be loved and feel loved but if I am sexually attracted to them I become crazy "inlove with the guy and they always turn out to be narcissists - the ones I become crazy inlove with...does that sound weird to anyone? Or make sense? I've given up on dating
I think I am the same.. I can totally relate to you.. so sad
I'm the same way
Same here
same thing happened to me, she got drunk, had drunk consensual sex with a total loser and then had the audacity to say she was date raped, and barely remember what happened. wtf?
I've been through the same thing.
The more I watch videos on bpd the more I can relate it to a person I know, the more I do this, the more I wish I saw these videos sooner. As someone who acts in patterns myself when I'm not medicated, it can be infuriating to know this now because I already understood the pattern but couldn't explain why. Thanks for all the videos.
So correct with the self harm
I just realized I was the scum that my borderline was punishing herself with. C'est la vie
If a borderline woman makes a mistake perceiving being abandoned, while the partner goes on a business trip and she starts the devaluing stage, is it possible to "snap her out of it", when you get back? My first shock in the same sex relationship was coming back and realizing that her daily "love letters" for me were the opposite of mine and kinda hate letters of a person, who thought she was abandoned. The relationship eventually fell apart and I recognize a lot of behavior and stages in your descriptions in the lecture. Just wondered if there was something I could have done differently.
It is usually totally reversed when your presence is restored. But by that time the Borderline usually acts out and does something horrible with a long-lasting deleterious impact.
Thank you So much Dear Professor.
She defiles herself
Thank you for this informative video. With regard to splitting, something I think needs more information is why the child “gets stuck” at this young stage of development and why they are unable to integrate good/bad aspects of a parent. This is not without reason.
To my mind the dual aspects of a parent can’t be integrated as firstly the child does not understand that the person who is meant to take care of me is also the same person who harms me, plus it is a defence mechanism in the sense of now I see abusive parent is present, i will do what is required behaviourally to keep myself safe. Unfortunately these are the behaviours that continue on into adulthood such as hyper vigilance for others behaviour so protective measures for safety can be put in place. Discernment in adulthood instead of instant default to splitting is the skill that needs to be learnt.
Search my channel.
Hi sam this series have been really amazing
Sadly I have seen my self portrait in this videos and happly not for cutting my self with a knife
but as you said I‘ve been self destructive in too many other ways
Without having this knowledge I’ve been very intuitive in the sense that I’ve isolate my self since 2009 because
I feel too much pain every time I Get to close to people
Do you plan to mate some video with information about something to do about it ?
I understand know that this condition is going to be with me my hole life and I’m starting to see it know like a disability
How to have a life being like this without hurting your self or others?
Thanks
Tons of resources out there for therapy. Even free by calling 211 for resources. Good luck to you! And, these videos are also helpful. Self- awareness and journaling helps to see how you express your feelings and possibly, hopefully change. For me, staying sober has helped me to get to what is really going on underneath!
You are a genus sam
So deep,so true, ...
Stunningly & sadly bang on accurate. Tks for the video.
Spot on.
This is so incredibly sad.
Yo what a fucked up situation to step into, dealing with someone like this when you don't realize it (or didn't want to realize it).
Thank you so much Sam. I appreciate the information you are putting out there about this topic and would love to keep learning more about whatever you know regarding BPD and even dissociative identity disorder as well. Thank you again. 🙏🏼
Also, what do you recommend for those with borderline to treat and heal themselves so that they are not struggling with this anymore? Is there hope? Can they be healed and become whole? and if so, how? Does your cold therapy apply? or does another form of therapy help with this? Thank you Sam. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
DBT and time: after age 45, spontaneous healing occurs in 50% of people diagnosed with BPD.
@@samvaknin Hello Prof. Vaknin. I would like to learn more about the spontaneous healing of BPD at age 45+. Also on the prevelance of bisexuality in BPD.
You have it so figured out. I am watching this happen to a couple, and it is exactly as you describe it.. I can watch your videos and know exactly what they are going to do next and it is correct every time, sadly.
hi sam would the covert borderlines deaval be for the same reason as the narcissist or fear of abandonment like the classic borderline ?
Under what circumstances do people with BPD decide the intimate partner is permanently bad and doesn't switch back to idealization?
Multiple rejections, abandonments, and betrayals.
you are a absolute genius
Has BPD genetic origins or can very religious and cruel environment in childhood lead to having a BPD?
Some genetic component and, like in psychopathy, brain structural and functional abnormalities predispose the individual to BPD. Still, it is widely considered to be the outcome of childhood abuse of all kinds.
@samvaknin how can we get diagnosed and what is the treatment and outcome of treatment
question: if someone has some of the BPD symptoms at some times with certain sadistic personality types and then is completely normal with normal people is that still full blown BPD or is that complex PTSD?
The antisocial traits and behaviors in BPD manifest mainly under stress and anxiety. Borderlines can put on a show of normalcy (to get a job they are after for instance).
Another excellent video. Thanks Sam.
Prof. Sam, my situation had an ex-wife which is bpd and her mum is Narcissistic, i always felt her mum as a controlling beast in the shadows.
The ex-wife had a male friend who is always idealized no matter how i tried to convince her otherwise.
I think this dynamic would be great if u can share your thoughts on it.
I have been diagnosed with both NPD and HPD. What does this mean? What does this say about me? Help Sam, I’m confused by it all!
Comorbidities in DSM IV are a major problem. It simply means that you are a psychopathic narcissist (histrionic and borderline pds are now considered secondary psychopathy in women).
@@samvaknin and what about borderline men? Are they secondary psychopaths too?
@@АлинаКаюкова-м9у Watch my vids on covert borderlines.
@@samvaknin Exactly. BPDs even don't understand that histrionic component in them. As soon as they are at home with the door closed, they are lying on the sofa, taking xanax and alcohol. As soon as they are in the sauna, they have to show the most sympathetic behaviour, trying to seduce every man inside the sauna, even sometime pushing the limit and doing even thing there that shouldn't be.
I wish I send this to her but I unintentionally caused too much of an injury
With time, it seems I developed traits of borderline or bipolar.
Or is it possible to be the victim of a narcissist without these psychological issues?
I am asking this because after I ended this relationship (3 years) I feel depleted completely, which makes me ask Do Borderlines have false self or Do they have True self that is not completely void? I heard you say that Borderlines can be cured, and it gives me hope I will get back to my soul and my feet.
All your questions are answered in this video and my other videos. Do your homework!
Check HG Tudor... he says that there's no such thing as BPD. These people are Covert Middle Mid Range Narcissists. He is a Narc Psychopath.
Spot on!❤
simplest is focusing on yourself and pretending to be single forever! the fakeness vs fakeness... and enjoy the friendship... but don't allow her to take your finances and life away from yourself.
Excelent ✊🏼
Catwoman seems like a good example of a borderline turned psychopath.
Haha
Hi Sam. How can you back up the statement that "In the case of a borderline, there is only negative emotions. This IS her personality"? I mean, would you have some studies or links/ articles to suggest that speak for this? I'm asking, because I'm trying to understand my bpd diagnosis better. I do have positive emotions and I feel the ability to feel joy, love, affection etc, every now and then (very greatly, even), though more rarely. My diagnosis was given to me quite late in life and I've gone through a lot of mental struggle during my life. Gathering information to gain a better understansing of myself.. wondering if it in fact has been a correct diagnosis for myself. Thank you in advance, if you can take the time to respond. Enjoying your vids, mostly.
Pinpoint the segment in the video.
30:30 onwards
@@samvaknin I too am interested in is it true Borderlines have no positive emotions. 30:40 seconds
@@kuolevainen I must not be a borderline as I have joy and other positive emotions. I used to wonder if I was a B to figure out my own self.
@@Lexilea68Oh, blessing to you for picking up on this. To your comment, who knows :D ..the boundaries of personality disorders and other mental conditions are always so vague. We are vibrant human animals and embodied souls, compiled of unique characteristics, each of us, primordially..
Much of what you say is so concise and it is greatly appreciated. The identity of "scum" I am struggling with.
My ex ticks all the boxes and the relationship ended in complete devastation.
I am going to the doctor's for a mental health plan and a referral if necessary.
I need to understand my part in a failed relationship now that it is over. I want to know if I am a narcissist or borderline also. Will they tell me my diagnosis?
If you feel you could be BPD, you have probably a CPTSD. It is classical after a long term relation with a BPD.
I wonder if eating disorders associated with BPD would be considered self-destructive as described in the video? Or perhaps more like control?
Both. Search the comorbidities playlist.
I can't generate enough pressure to reset the main frame
If one with BPD avoids interacting on an intimate level with another can one then avoid triggers and distress?
Borderlines are incapable of true intimacy. Watch my other, recent vids on borderline women.
@@samvaknin It is absolutely true. As an healthy partner you beg to intimacy. You will cry in your bed, alone. You "have" probably the most attractive woman you ever wanted to be with, but you get no intimacy which is the goal of a relation. You may have the feeling to be "with" a "professional". You then feel like a supply, being used, abused, manipulated like a puppet trying to maintain the relation balance right which happens only sporadically. And sometime you think you maintain it right and you are wrong. The more you give her love and the more you do for the relation, the more you feed her disease. Every partner think they can save them and they are simply feeding the disease and triggering even more intern pain.
With all these selfish boundaries up and denial and this and that, how exactly would you help someone like that as someone on the outside?
I've gone through this for 30 year with my partner ,and I have autism so have attachments issues so I feel lost when she goes off out of my life and now know she punished herself and me she lives a double life with me likes to be homely and quiet and settled and whe leaves my life goes on pause and I feel lost till she comes back in to my life again and she an alcoholic who sex randomly
They truly are loca.
Sam, is it possible that you are the only male that understands me?
When a woman cheats on a man, it is an unforgivable crime. When a man cheats on a woman, she is told to accept it. double standard at its finest.
You’re not understanding biology
Is there any way that we can help the bpd woman. I have 6 children with and the self mutilation was severe along with the alcohol and everything you pointed out. Can they be saved as human beings and be normal. How do we fill the hole that is missing in them. How do we give the love they didn’t get as a child. I need the holy grail answer. 🖐🏻🙏🏻💙
They cannot be saved and you cannot help her. Unfortunately she is doomed, long term therapy can help (10+ years). Protect your kids.
a lot of people try to love bomb them as soon as they learn about this but it actually has the oppostie effect and eventually you'll became sucked out of your vital energy
@@casket8530 Exactly, your 6 kids are already genetically pre disposed to have BPD, NPD, Autism... Take them away from her.
Omg
That is my ex to a T
Do you speak German? There was nearly no accent in Gemütlichkeit!
Yes, I do. Hochdeutsch.
@@samvaknin impressive! 😲 ...and good to know. 😊 Greetings from Austria!
@@samvaknin and I thought you were Russian at first..was almost 100% sure 😄
Something took over my body last night and I was just fighting everyone..i got drunk I blacked out..had sex with the owner of the bar while I went out with a man..reaching home I broke all window glasses down😢😢😢😢
I think I may be a borderline woman. What can I do to become more healthy?
See a therapist or counselor that has training in Cluster B personality disorders, have yourself formally diagnosed, then start CBT and DBT.
Also, come to terms with the fact that intimate relationships are not for you.
This is a shameful thing to live with
My ex, a man was diagnosed borderline- why does Sam just refer to women as bpd?
Majority of people diagnosed with BPD are women. But, of course, there are Borderline men, too.
While watching this
I have the feeling Ii m going to see the rolling pin come flying in the air to hit Sam on the head lol ha ha ha lol only kidding
Are borderline pepple codependent? Is it the same thing?
Not the same thing samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders22.html
Codependents suppress or deny their anger and own needs. Borderliners pretend to deny their own needs, and they display anger frequently, often disproportionately. They are very different.
What has to happen to make the BPD person want to come back to a devaluated partner?
@@aboetarikske btw, ye its been like 4-5 months of no contanct from me (I was also blocked), she came back when her boyfiend dumbed her telling her she behaves like a 10 year old child and she should go to psychologist (that guy has huge ego as well). Then she tried to contact me on social media for like 2 months but I was not responding or very minimally. Then she started saying that she misses me much and she misses the old bond we had. Then we met and had a nice time and after that she devalued me again. End of story. Probably will see her again in next few months.
@@pajaczek972 It's over now. forever. You will never get her back, she will come back briefly when she has no one else then ghost you when she finds new supply. Keep in mind she is a evil person. It's not her fault, but by product of being BPD, she will cause a great deal of damage to you if you don't cut it off completely.
@@pajaczek972 How old is she? What did happen since 1 year?