I agree completely! I am fascinated by his words and frankness. Though I feel he is speaking directly to me, and I maybe should be offended, it's somehow comforting to hear about my bull shit so unbiased and with no sweet talk/beating around the bush. He speaks not only to my own laundry list of DXs, he also touches on every single relationship I've had, romantic or not. I have been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD. I have self diagnosed my codependency, and also C-PTSD(probably in place of the PTSD) I have spent hundreds of hours, months, years, ferociously researching the men I've been with, and what I've gone through with them. Their symptoms and their sources. Why they do what they do. How, why, what, where, when they tick.... But Sam is the only one who is combining the information/connection of their disfunction, with my own. Which is really what is important. My own is all I can do anything about, my own is all I have control over. So while I'm hurt...devastated, really, over my failed attempts at a "normal" relationship, and the "things that have been done to me," I am forced (rightfully so) to stare my own part in the disfunction, in the face. Its refreshing, and its also so imperative for me to have this info so that I can change my world. I am ending this bull shit cycle. I have three children who I couldn't possibly imagine NOT putting themselves through, and dealing with, all the things I have since I was a kid. I want to change that. I want them to have every possibility of living "normal," thriving, happy lives. That, at this point, depends on me. And we are at a huge disadvantage, just for the meer fact that we've all been living in this disfunction, and somewhat normalized it, for me, 33 years, and my kids 14 13 and 8 years. Thank you Sam. For dedicating your life to information. Information that, if we didn't have you, would be so distorted and incorrect, we wouldn't possibly have any room for change. ♡
Oh yeah yeah yeah his content is often useful but don’t feed his ego like that jesus christ lol (coming from a fan who recognizes this man clearly is a narc himself. most brilliant ppl are haha)
True, 100%... But U want some REAL Drama? Spend 2+ years w my bpd ex who monkeybranched me. Heck, spend a WEEK with her. Now THAT'S drama. Heck, that's a real life HORROR story.
Sam exhibits a disturbing amount of psychopathy. When I see him speak my reptile brain goes to Defcon 1! All my animalistic instincts are measured distance from his reach and and analyzing his body language for a weak point to attack. He is so glib, with that flat affect! I strongly urge anyone that meets this man in person not to turn your back on him. The arrogant facial expression makes it quite clear to me that he's getting narcissistic fuel from pontificating all the treachery and discord afflicted on others. The fuel is akin to Ambrosia (The drink of all the God's on Mount Olympus) and he was so smug he tried to emulate the drama of a Riddley Scott film ending with the big reveal that he was the monster. I figured that out by chapter three. Once I understood what a narcissist was, I encountered two after I could smell them 500 yards away. The first was a abusive Vietnamese turd that I had the misfortune of being subordinate too at work. That little lizard screamed at me in front of of all my peers over a period of 4 months. I was a salesman consistently in the top 7, regardless of how much I sold his reaction was to scream obscenities decided to record him with a micro cassette recorder, on the record he disparaged my mother! I played it for my dad, and dad's best friend was an attorney that was more than capable of getting me off on an assault charge. Particularly with all the recordings and witnesses I had. I trained in western boxing and Kung Fu for nine years, I'm 6`1 and at the time my fighting weight would have been 175, but it was 154 in peak shape. I was far from being in shape. We met with the attorney and he sort of advised me on the different levels of assault and the line between felony and misdemeanor and I had no criminal record. My boss was about 5'3 130Lbs. Of course he started in again because the company was small enough to not have a human resources department, his boss heard it every time and thought it funny. He ratcheted up the abuse and I looked at him him with bottomless contempt and said I'm sorry I didn't catch that. Would you repeat it. The guy sitting next to me said my eyes glazed over he described it as a vampire. My boss didn't pick up on that and he was maybe 35 feet away and walked towards me in a quick pace with a menacing look, so I lowered my office chair as low as it would go and positioned myself as such that I would be on my feet in the blink of an eye with a position that I could hit him with basically any punch a boxer has but from his position he couldn't hit me. As soon as he was in striking Distance I was on my feet and positioned for a lot of leverage. I bitch slapped him in the right temple with my left hand with the motion of a hook bent my knees and weaved and slapped him under the chin also with my left hand in an uppercut motion lifting his head and slapped him in cheekbone/lower eye socket with my right hand the sound of the the right hand hitting his face was loud it made him swell up really badly. I said that was for talking about my momma! I gave you the courtesy of not hitting you with a closed fist, I just chumped you in front of the entire company. If you you want to step out into the parking lot you can give me some payback! You want to step outside? He was stunned very frightened. I said HUH! Really loudly, and then turned to the two douchebags he was subordinate too. I said you stood there and watched that cowardly little shit abuse me like a dog and didn't do shit! Who wants some? There was a pudgy one that practiced his golf short game all day, wearing Versace he even had the club in his hand. I pointed at him and said you! Do want some? I shoved him in the shoulder and the CEO said that's enough! You've definitely made your point! I think we can all agree that Richard and I didn't respond accordingly and for that I apologize. Your boss is married to my sister and I succumbed to nepotism. I think we can agree that you no longer want to work with us. In light of me not putting a stop to this I'm willing to pay you 4 months severance equal to your average gross commissions for the last sixty days and keep you on medical insurance for the same amount of time. He reached out to shake my hand and apologized the other superior to my boss made him an icebag for his swollen face. It was silent as a crypt when I walked out. I regret doing that today, I should have put a stop to it without resorting to violence. In the end the Narcissistic Personality Disordered dude with sociopathic tendencies was a sniveling coward. In hind sight that could have gone very badly if he had a firearm for example. I think there pretty much like all bullies that instinctively know who to abuse, I ticked all the boxes because I was making a lot of money and wanted to keep my job. From the handful of accounts I've heard and seen, if the prey is pushed to far they become the predator and the narcissist never sees it coming. The second was my ex wife, she definitely bested me left me traumatized and with an ulcer.
@@Prairiedogggg @Sara Dailey So are you afflicted with NPD or have you been victimized by a NPD? I couldn't tell based on your narrative. Typically a woman with all the diagnostic labels, pick a kind hearted, naive, dependent guy and proceed to paint the guy black, gut them emotionally. These women cultivate another romantic relationship with another and as soon as the new guy is all in, you throw the old guy into a dumpster with no compunction. I'm just wondering, do you have a psychological fear of abandonment? In the past were you engaging your romantic partners with the push/pull dynamic? I found it very peculiar that BPD suffers worst fear is abandonment and the moment their partner exhibits honest intimacy which should alleviate the fear of being left. Instead the BPD feels enmeshed and is horrified that their partner loves them so much that the partner is six ways fucked up for loving a person who is so broken. It's truly heartbreaking that borderline personality perpetually having their worst fear realized because they themselves orchestrated it. My Ex Wife is BPD. She's five feet tall and weighs 105 pounds. At the end of the relationship I preferred her to punch me in the face as hard as she could because it was less painful than the emotional abuse. One thing I learned by reading a book called Character Disturbance by Dr. George Simon that all the abuse was rooted in Freudian crap that everything Cluster B's abuse is a defense mechanism is complete bullshit! He analyzed the behavior starting with violent offenders in prison and figured out that the behavior was offensive in every way. Defense mechanisms are designed to guard oneself from pain that is so traumatic one finds it unbearable. He opened a family practice and a mother of an unruly teenager was afraid because her son actually shoved her. The mother said regardless of what I say he's always so defensive. Dr. Simon pointed out that the behavior was offensive in nature designed to accomplish a specific outcome. Read his book it's fantastic!
I have BPD and it's unreal to me how well this explains my internal experiences. I've said for years that it feels like there are two, seemingly distinct, versions of me and it's this ongoing battle in which I keep trying to cage the part of me that is reckless and prone to antisocial behaviours. It's almost like at my core, there's a vulnerable and scared little kid and when that kid gets hurt, another self, very much a protector self takes over, comes out, and will go do anything to defend and protect that core child. And now this doesn't happen every time a relationship dissolves for whatever reason, but there have been a few times where during an argument or some conflict I can quite literally, physically, feel an internal switch flip - like any warmth or empathy or kindness that was in me completely turns off. I go cold, it's the opposite of the hot anger. And in those moments I completely stop caring about the other person and they're as good as dead to me, like they never existed. They could be crying in front of me and I feel nothing. It's weird because when I'm not in that mode, I genuinely feel shame and guilt if I unintentionally hurt someone and care deeply about people. But in the 'dark' mode, even after, I can recognize that whatever I likely said or did in that moment is wrong, and I probably should feel guilt and regret...but I just don't. It's a constant battle of trying to figure out which me is 'me'. I guess cognitively they both are but they feel distinct.
You can find balance. Both of these aspects are you! But both of these aspects on their own are too extreme. Your "child self" is the extreme inversion of your "protector self", and vice versa. Only if you can break free from the extreme tendencies of your "child self", you will be able to integrate the "protector self".
Thank you for sharing your expirience. My mum has BPD, i defenetly see such a patern in her. I have been trying to help and failed, i am so sorry that i can not help her, she suffered and sometimes hurt people in such states. It is so painful. But now i understand what is going on.
Omg you describe me to a T! Say I split and I start to hate someone. It's not like they are 'nothing' - they definitely exist - I just wish they didn't lol. I'll often joke with friends that if i ever saw my enemies get hit by a truck, I'd make sure they couldn't get help - hell, i wish i was driving said truck. I am not a warm, fuzzy person normal but I'd never intentionally go out of my way to hurt someone who's done nothing to me but if they have hurt me then...they are fair game to me. I swear that 'dark side' is capable of anything. I sometimes call her my inner psychopath LOL
As someone with bpd I am grateful for every single one of these videos. I want to change and the harsh truth of these videos provides me the motivation to do so.
@Paula Kean Thats valid. I guess everyones journey is different. It would be insane to think that my approach would suit every person with bpd. This is what is working for me right now and is equally as valid as it not working for others.
@@RobMacKendrick I am sorry to hear that you were hurt by your wife. It is extremely difficult because her hurt comes from a very real place but it unfortunately does not make it okay to hurt others. With more knowledge in emotional intelligence and personality disorders I do believe there will come better days where we can effectively help these people heal.
@@natatattful What I have gleaned from his Professor Vaknin's wk is that he is saying we who have C-PTSD are the same as psychopaths. Being dissociated is a coping skill, not being, acting in a psychopathic way. I married a full blown narcissistic psychopath. He was an incredibly vicious and violent man. My father is a sadistic, grandiose narcissist. I think it's a bit rich, given that Vaknin, a psychopath himself, is making these statements about C-PTSD. In my experience people who have C-PTSD are incredibly kind, empathetic, and very aware of the impact of their behaviour on other people. I don't believe Vaknin would be able to understand this bc he CANNOT empathise. I, therefore, disagree with Professor Viknan on this point. In fact, there was an uproar when the DSM 5 was put out by mental health practitioners globally.
that's more commonly known as using mental anguish as an excuse to be an a-hole to others and then also use it as a shield to hide behind when you receive criticism for it
It's really interesting to me how BPD ALWAYS turn the discussion back to them being a victim. Even if the discussion is about how they're abusive to others. They will still make it about them being a victim. BPD and NPD are two sides of the same coin, they're both cluster B disorders.
@@queenofthebutterflies5212 I like your take on distinguishing C-PTSD / psychopath. The DSM5 statement is correct. My question is did you intentionally switch the spelling of Vaknin (Viknan)?
I saw this in the 1960's and apparently psychologists simply did not want to consider the possibility that borderline women with dissociative tendencies function as psychopaths in society. It's about time professionals accept that such a combination is extremely destructive, and be open to treating such patients with full consideration of their flawed perceptions and downward spirals. Thank you for posting this.
I totally agree! But I want to add that the damage they inflict on others is devastating to say the least. The pain of BPD is often portrayed in relation to the person themself, but in realtiy, the pain and damage they do to others is immense and is not represented in all those help videos in any way. This channel is great though, covering almost all aspects.
@@gedankenradio143 Well obviously. The damage done to others covers an immensely vast field How could anyone expect anybody to even begin to start to lay out the various degrees and kinds of damage done!?!
This is by far the most accurate description of what I experienced in my relationship with a likely BPD. So much so it was a little triggering/distressing (well worth it though). In their apparently "normal" self state, they would solicit information about my boundaries and needs in a seemingly genuine attempt to manage their impulsive behavior and its effects on me. But then within a day or two the secondary psychopathic alter would use that information to violate those specific boundaries, clearly taking pleasure in the trauma and betrayal they were enacting. Having a conceptual framework like this helps to alleviate the nightmarish quality of that experience.
I believe that I went through such an event about a week ago with what I believed to be a very close lady friend of mine for the past year. I chose to break contact. And it's quite excruciating. All the 'I could have done this, or not do that, or been more careful, or been more open, etc, etc' is almist unbearable. Yes, there were signs of what I believe to be something close to BPD, with serious trauma and abuse in her life. While I was well aware that it is not my responsability to 'fix' her, I was there for her whenever loneliness and emptyness and physycal pain made her ask for my help ans presence, and then some. I just couldn't help it. Staying in no contact hopefully will pay off.
I am a BPD female (this is my husband’s account). I really relate to the alters part, but not what it is triggered by. When I sense that another person has a predatory view of me, THAT’s when that secondary psychopath comes out. It’s like I see that they want to hurt me, so I want to hurt them more to punish them? Like Vanessa said, it’s as if a switch had been thrown. Thank you for making this content. I am trying to work on managing my BPD and becoming the best version of myself. I had no idea what was going on for years.
I will always remember the time I confronted my BPD ex after she broke my boundaries and she said, "I just don't feel feel empathy for you anymore." she was like a completely different person.
Mine too. We must be a species. I realized about a decade ago that my mother required "love, support, and encouragement"; necessities for all humans. It didn't help that my father was driving a taxi at night in the 60's and having extra marital affairs. I should not have been be prive to all this ugliness as a child. A "coerced confidant".
Mine too. Even when she was dying, she could not admit the harm she had done. Three weeks before she died, she told me she had been thinking about her life. Like an idiot, I thought she was going to apologize for ruining my life, but she told she had come to the conclusion that she was a victim, a true, true victim. I honestly don’t think she saw it. Sometimes I actually feel guilty about how much better everything is since her death.
I did the same but then later realized it was just another form of avoidance. It feels empowering and healthy but the moment I was faced with reality it all came crashing down. Good luck
This is brilliant - incredibly insightful observations on the Lone Wolf aspect of the psychopathic BPD subcategory. I’ve never seen this aspect addressed of Lone Wolf dissociative psychopathy in BPD. Brilliant. Hopefully, Professor Vaknin will write/talk more on this topic in future lessons.
My partner has BPD (male). I am a schizoid narcissist. This video is spot on. I used to retaliate severely when he would lash out. Now I just shrug it off and ignore him. This seems to work because he calms down within minutes. I don't even get riled up anymore when he's in his ´mood´. That seems to show him his behaviour is unacceptible apparantly. I'm no angel either. I can be vicious and be it on purpose. I am not out to hurt anyone but once you cross the line you better run. Since we both have our issues (and know it) we work at having at least some kind of a healthy relationship. Why we are together? No sane person could ever put up with us. It somehow works
so very important to remember you are dealing with a psychopath with a bpd. my empathy for bpd's abuse made me excuse her misbehavior. this almost allowed her to destroy me.
IF they want to change. Sometimes, they just refuse to see that they are the issue, and instead go around blaming everyone else in their lives and convincing themselves they are the victim. It took me a lot of time to realize this, and I only broke up once my ex got violent with me and then blamed me for it @@WildandFree4
I've known a lot of bpd individuals in my time. And I've unknowingly been close to some. In order to integrate these experiences correctly, I've been watching a lot of different videos. With your videos, there rings a lot of truth to me. The bpd individual craves attention, affection and having someone very close to them. However, because they switch in their self-states, they also switch in how they view others around them. In their narcissistic state, they find someone to idealize. Just like a narcissist, they put their target on a pedestal. Not to idealize the other person but to idealize themselves through them. If they put someone on a pedestal and they manage to "score" that person, it is to them the proof of their own value and grandiosity. However, then the fears set in. In this state, the fears are still somewhat narcissistic. They worry that they've idealized the wrong person and start to see things in that person (no matter if it's a partner or a friend) that go against their grandiosity, because humans are flawed. In a way, they get into the same discard stage as someone who is narcissistic. This is the stage where the abandonment issues set in. However, the borderlone person missattributes this emotional reality. They cannot be honest with themselves about the fact that theyre afraid to be left, to be the one discarded. So they focus more on the perceived mistakes of the other person, thinking to themselves that they must've overlooked a lot about the person. In a way, thats true. But its also not. They dont realize that they perceived everything about them just fine and that their change in perspective is just due to their change of self states. To me, that's the point where the psycopathy sets in. The bpd individual can't cope with the insecurity, thus they switch into a mode where the other person becomes a nuisance to them. Like a splinter stuck under their skin. So they act out. Violate the other persons boundaries and personality. In a way, they're trying to force the other person to discard them at that stage, as they are not yet free of their fear of abandonment yet, nor of the illusion that they're not able to continue all on their own. If the target doesnt discard them after multiple tries of this, they finally re able to see the person as not useful to them, nor as valuable to them. Its a very disturbing thing in a way. Because it feels like they need someone to not want them, to not give them what they need, in order to keep their affection for them. Just like a narcissist again. They dont see themselves as valuable, so a person cannot be idealized that sees value in them. Once this state is reached, the psychopathic detachment begins. However, after my experiences, its uite common for bpd people to switch between all three self states in that phase. One day, they will break up the connection, the next day they will knock on your door, begging to take you back, only to discard again two days later. They will repeat thi cycle multiple times, only breaking out of it and finally completely devalueing the target if they don't block these advances each and every time. In the end, the bpd individual will often go into a state that is the perfect mixture of psychopathic detachment and victimhood mentality. They will view the other person as toxic to them, view themselves as the victim and the hurt one, while also aware of their own helplessness in the whole situation. However, this they will only admit to themselves. To themselves they will be honest about not knowing what they want or feel or need and thus not being able to communicate about it. And of course they are clueless. How could they not, given the fact that they are most of the time five different people throughout the day? Its crucial to them though to not be honest about this with other people (besides the ones they hurt) because on one hand, it would disrupt their selfimage throughout all of the states and it aould also block them from pulling in others and repeating their cycle. In a way, bpd individuals are addicted to pain and drama, to both being the victim and the perpetrators. All of them that I met were very aware of this fact, however just like a narcissist, they dont want to see what it exactly means and says about them as a person. My closest relationship with a bpd individual was very short, thankfully. However, I can still feel the damage greatly, always beware with people like this, always.
What if I try to stop the "acting really weird so that the other person gets rid of me because I'm afraid of getting attached" phase? For example, I have a friend and I like him as a person, but sometimes when I get scared, I start viewing him in a bad light ("he just wants to hurt me", "remember when he said xyz to you?"), however, I know exactly what this is and so I confront him and tell him that I am having these thoughts and that I feel like ending the friendship because I'm scared. We usually find a way to sort it out. Sometimes it comes back but I'm able to just kinda ignore it. Thankfully, I have only acted out once 1 year into our friendship, I said something mean to him because I felt abandoned, but I apologized immediately and explained it to him. I wonder, is it possible that BPD symptoms "lessen" over time? Can you get healed from BPD? Because I feel like my symptoms have gotten less and less intense over the years. I wonder if I managed to heal a little bit or if it's gotten easier just because I don't encounter triggering situations anymore, but I'm actually still a monster inside. Will I always be like this, for the rest of my life? I'm really scared of what I can do to people
This is BRILLIANT and cutting-edge info... Thank you. "Rooted in trauma" is a key phrase here that may help us have more empathy and understanding. As a RECOVERING co-dependant who's attracted cluster Bs most of my adult life, I've been watching these NPD/cluster B videos for five years trying to figure out WHY I had these experiences. I'm learning and growing by seeing my part in the powerfully magnetic attraction/dysfunction/love/hate crazymaking dynamic, too! I have peace now by seeing the red flags and not buying into former triggers, having better boundaries, and refusing to let history repeat itself. Thanks again!!
Yikes - I hate to associate myself with the word psychopath but I believe it to be true! Makes complete sense and helps me understand my behavior. Great work and great videos. Thank you.
This describes my mom... now I understand why I get so sick every time I let her into my life again. She used to drink and abuse me mentally and emotionally. She also became violent sometimes but I was always stronger than her. I actually lost is, and ended up beating her up once. And then she claimed to not remember anything she had done, only what i had done wrong. She shows no sign of self-awareness or remorse.
thank you. I hope I have understand it right. I have borderline, but I only feel like I psychopath, then I feel overwhelmed distressed or abandoned by a partner. Afterwards after the amnesia period I can feel my true self and feel big sorrow, grief and sadness of the distress and anxiety I have caused the other part. So I am definitely full of empathy, its only then I dissociate in very stressed situations that a temporary psychopath can appear because of the huge amount of anger load I am feeling in the moment.
I have read countless books and articles and watched so many videos trying to find anything that mirrored my experience with my BPD ex and this is the first thing that really nails it. I still remember the time I sat down to ask her some questions about lies she had told in our past and she just could not put together any of the details. Even when I recapped the lies, I could see the confusion in her eyes. In the years since we broke up, I had come to the conclusion that it was just another manipulation technique. The thought of a dissociative personality was not something I had come across in the things I had read, so it never crossed my mind again that she may have actually been truthful when she couldn't remember even the most blatant lies she had gotten caught in. This video is so important for me because that relationship damaged so much trust I had in anyone. It made me question everything I believed about humans because I thought I had been completely conned by a master manipulator. I always felt I had been in love with a psychopath who abused me for her own narcissistic gain and everything to the contrary was just an act I fell for because I was naive. Knowing I may have been dealing with altered personalities makes me feel less naive and less a victim of a psychopathic abuser.
It's been a total emotional deregulation and doubt for all my life. A significant part of it is that I thought I was a psychopath but I can feel and decided not to be mean, not to lie and take advantage of someone or opportunity. I decided not be as the ones that made me that way, I decided not to pass this disease ahead. In fact, I'm not a psycopath but that of course part of me and now I know why.
CPTSD and BPD diagnosed. This is dead on accurate, I do have psychopathic tendencies when I am disrespected/deliberately deceived by my favorite person. My marriage to a malignant narcissistic cocaine addict undermined all the work I had done over years and years. All of those unflattering borderline traits you’ve been naming off is exactly what he was doing to me and was using my BPD diagnosis against me and attempting to manipulate my family and psychiatrist at the VA hospital. I’ve divorced him and spend ALLLLL my time alone. It’s peaceful and safe.
She always admires the narcissist until he must be destroyed, by destroying herself while both laughing and crying (split). She can never attain true narcissism, that is the object of her love. Once she 'realizes' she cannot have it, the relationship must be destroyed, not merely ended. Great presentations Sam.
@soft kisclosure the amount of love and empathy I carry for people and animals overwhelms me and often drowns me. My empathy is my disaster. And so am I.
Sam Vaknin says in another video,that Borderline's has a huge heart and empathy,but when they gets angry they becomes a secondary Psychopath.He has many video's about Bpd. JazzyT.
I finally feel understood I was always scared to own up to my psychopathic tendencies cause that’s not what I am either. It’s this big confusion inside of me...
Thank! You! Sir!!! I was diagnosed with "quiet" BPD and DID. You are spot on, down to the point of having at least a bit of influence on my altars (I call them my team) behaviour. Amnesia and that people have a hard time understanding what all of this means makes me feel in this world like a werewolf in a silver museum. 🤔🙄 But also for pointing out about some of us being like a lone wolf and gender roles being blurry.. I never felt female or male, I was always just "me", with female and male traits. There are days when I'm not unhappy, even without drugs, when I can live with myself. Today I feel OK about myself. Thank you, sir! 🙂🇮🇪👍🍀
☆☆☆☆ Finally I found the correct information. This video is the most accurate I have found in describing the 15 years I was married to a woman who lives constantly in this "cycle" of back and forth between what always seemed as if multiple personalities were at play. Acting very sweet and kind followed by revenge, sadistic behaviors and pleasure derived from causing misfortune and pain to others in any facet of her life intimate/family/workplace/ and her own children. Constant punishments, ASPD behaviors and actions with zero conscience, morals or accountability. But absolutely in need of a partner who was the exact opposite in their behaviors. Very well described and finally someone who understands and plainly explains the processes and what these individuals must go through and live with, and what those who become entangled with them are in turn dealing with. Thank you Sam Vaknin for your doing so. Just waiting for the psychological/ psychiatric community to follow suit with what is very real in your explanations and understandings of the Secondary Psycopathy/ Borderline area of the Cluster B Personality Spectrum. ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Dr. Vaknin, this was the most helpful video ever. HOW DO YOU SAFELY INTERACT WITH A BORDERLINE you are committed to for other (non-caretaking) reasons? A partner or child of a borderline is confused by the switching and never quite sure when it might happen or what to do, and typical reactions escalate and don’t help anyone. This video helped me discover the only key I’ve found. After watching videos of true DID patients and seeing them switch personalities, something clicked inside, and I realized I can SEE and say to myself, “this (new disregulated persona) isn’t my mother.” Or “this isn’t my wife (husband), this isn’t the woman (man) I married.” Which allows the child/partner to emotionally and physically disengage until the stable base personality returns. For me, I may SEE it, I’ll quickly VALIDATE the emotion/thought with “are you feeling___because___?“ Regardless of the answer, if they are misrepresenting things I “call their bluff“ by stating the fact as I see it, and then I am mediately LEAVE. As I’ve tried this, I discovered it allows quick and respectful exits, which result in a much higher incidence of the borderline being able to process, notice their own disregulation without blaming it on others, theneven returning and saying “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did, I was mishearing the situation…“!! It doesn’t change their emotional dysregulation at the time, but by quickly and respectfully disengaging I allow them space and contrast to notice their switching without the experience being muddied by my reactions. And the emotional turmoil inside has largely disappeared. Seeing borderline as dissociative switching is incredibly powerful for me.
"So what we have in a borderline is a dissociative psychopath...The dissociative psychopath usually with the pronounced grandiosity of the narcissist and the seductiveness and flirtatiousness of the histrionic when they are provoked by abandonment anxiety." WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spot on. That is exactly what I have dated or married 2x now. They are the siren from greek mythology.
Thank you professor Vaknin You have accurately described my current situation with an undiagnosed borderline. She has assumed deep narcissistic and psychopathic traits. Her secondary personality which is characterised by rage, manipulation, and callousness are in striking contrast to her host personality which is warmth, caring and a fun loving spirit. Your commentary has instilles a sense of fear in me, but has helped me to better navigate my current environment.
I'm a bpd but I'm trying to fight my inner psychopath as hard as I can... I feel deep regret to all the people I've hurt... I have a big conscience and sense of morality even though this morality code gets disturbed when I feel hurt... But I sincerely don't wanna hurt anyone... Every time I've lashed out and hurt someone I would do charity and try to make things good for all the bad I've done... (sorry for my bad english)
Im the same, im very into meditation and I do my best to become a good person, the only person I abuse is my partner and is so hard to control bc I do It only bc of my trust issues.
@@6699s I feel you! But at least we aren't in denial! Self awareness is the first step to improvement! It might be a lifelong challenge for us, but we have to keep fighting for our loved ones and not let this disorder control our lives! Much love and light to you ❤🍀😊
Sam you have spoken so well on this topic. Nobody even profs have taken my dissasociation seriously. Its like dropping into a concrete overcoat. It dispells just as instantly and all the colour/ noise come rushing in + I feel alive again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
This brilliant video is another keeper from you, Dr. Vaknin- thank you so much! You continually help me to evolve in my personal & professional understanding. The “soul of a Cluster B” is why their behavior is never personal to the other, & if abusive, help is called for. Also, “the Cluster B tribe” explains who and why they are attracted to them. Personally, your video lectures have brought me ongoing, and deepening, closure. I continue to highly recommend your works. Thank God there is a plethora of helpful resources for all interested parties, your videos on the top of the list. 💜
This explains a lot. My ex is ASPD, Narcissistic, Histronic and I'm positive his girlfriend is BPD. Thankfully my children no longer are required to be around either of them, but their little half brother is doomed.
Can u explain more about inner objects and outer objects in case of Borderline Personality , their is one video of you with richard, where you talk about Borderline, but i want you to expand on your inner Object and outer object theory and how the Borderline confuse between two and how you can relate all the Borderline behaviour with this inner, outer Object theory, I would love to hear you on this inner outer object theory in a separate video, i was in a relationship with a Borderline for 10 years.
I've not been diagnosed with borderline, but I am suspecting that this is what has been at work to some extent during most of my life. I am avoidant, for the most part. But I really feel you nailed it here and I can identify with these behaviours.
This is the most accurate description of what I experienced with my last ex. The BPD was obvious as she checked every box and I saw a bit of histrionic traits. The further we got into the relationship, she began to display more narcissistic and anti-social traits. She adamantly denied having BPD but was recorded as having high traits of NPD and ASPD by a psychologist. I called her a "cluster B platter" and this video cleared up how & why this is the case. She spoke a lot of dissociation too but didn't have the amnesia aspect.
Unfortunately from too much experience, I can concur anectodily with Sam's video. My ex fiance presented as Dark Tetard, however with traits of covert NPD, HPD, DID, and BPD, which were fluid upon the person, situation, etc. In trying to find explanations on what I went through, (that I intuitively knew due to my experiences), nothing ever added up, via what multitudes presented in regards to the different characters, (comorbid or otherwise), on the deleterious amounts of videos, articles, and experts I talked to, (over an exhaustive 8 year period), until I saw this video from Sam. Thank you Sam for finally shedding some clarity on this exhaustive process! The BPD she presented was the first "signs and symptoms," that were initially evident to me, but over time, the depths of her behaviors just presented so much more sinister, sadistic, callousness, chaotic, and with extreme splitting and amnesiac episodes, that nothing was adding up per say from what I read and heard, until now, via this video.
I went through the same thing... my bpd ex had more than just borderline.. at least 7 symptoms of npd, some hpd. It’s a mix... then she’d be psychotic.
Not to do semantics, but Dark Triad, mostly certainly, but technically "Dark Tetrad," to reflect, (very accurately in her case), the addition of sadism.
I have two alters.The traumatised child who ended up in the gutter because she was surrounded by predators for most of her life and now alter number two who now has to take over and protect the other.I don''t want to lose the first,that is me,the loving ,empathetic all giving child who had that used against her by the very people who should have protected her.She can now sit this one out because if she doesn't then she will have no choice but to bow out.Alter number two is in charge now but it is a huge struggle to keep the other out of it.Maybe the two can combine? That's a difficult one.
Add in a reptilian looking monster thing that I'm actually scared of (even my bad ass alter is scared shitless of it) and that's straight up my story... The monster doesn't try fight for my identity though... perhaps just a primal manifestation after something reeeeeally shit happened at age 2... Who else would a 2 year old bubba girl need to rescue her If her 'god' like creators of life who's sole mission was supposed to be KEEPING HER SAFE, they not only failed, but infact WERE the abusers.... That girls gonna need a monster! Only a monster could protect her from her monster parents. BOOOOM! Wow. Ummmm- thank you! One of the biggest realizations of my life just occurred. Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!!!! Bless. Lemme know if I can return the favor..?! 🤣 😇🥰
Thank-you! Finally someone says it! I've been struggling for years to overcome the emotional damage I sustained from being in a relationship with a woman with BPD. The current political climate is nothing short of patently allergic to the thought that Borderline women are, in essence, sociopaths by a different name.
This made me cry I will be 28 in a few months I constantly keep meeting men that are just interested in me for sex, I've never really had a boyfriend to the point where maybe I become paranoid at the mere feeling of being considered as a sex object and therefore abandoned. So I prefer to cut the cord myself, as a call for help to make them realize something, that I want them to focuse more on my personality, and of course the result is always the same, they confirm to me they only wanted sex which hurts me even more...I don't even know if I believe in love anymore to be honest. Maybe I just don't get men. Very often I have this weird impression that no man is capable of loving me, especially when dating. When I'm alone and not dating is when I feel the most at peace. Maybe I should take a break from men for a while. Thank you for your videos Sam Vatkin I learn a lot from them
Have you considered the possibility that you keep choosing men that are just interested in sex? Said my therapist. She was right. I chose differently, and the outcome was also different. Dated for 6 years, married for another 6. On medication that i am thankful for. Seek treatment asap. It can change your life path. I wish you the best, you can do it.
Men can trigger things inside of you,you can be at peace when you're alone and can be yourself.There can be decades until you finds someone that feels right.If you try to date a man before sex,you may not feel so used.Judy Rosenberg says Borderline's are the Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mother. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
I tried to hang on but I’m gone now. Too much chaos. I have bpd and secondary psychopathy. I let my alter to take over because that’s the only way for me to survive in this world. It’s realistic and better. I don’t feel much anxiety now and people are horrible in general. The damage is done and I can see it in my eyes. That’s life though. Good luck to the rest of us. 👍
As a side note, Shakespeare Sister's song Stay is what I believe now to be a fantastic trip inside a BPD woman's psyche. Unfortunately I've been there, inside it, for the past year or so. Part of me still is. P.S. Nevermind the video, but the song.
The psychopath alter makes so much sense. I recently got involved with a narcissist and began to experience a lot of symptoms I could not explain and somebody told me to check for BPD and it all made sense. But I can’t identify with the classic BPD, I don’t sleep around or self-harm or do anything foolish in fact I go out of my way to avoid people and relationships. I have isolated myself from friends and family for 2 years to ‘stabilise’ myself to try and get my life and future together, to the point I once asked in a psych forum once if I might be a schizoid. But somehow this narcissist found me and forced himself into my world, and all the splitting and push and pull happened that I could not understand, and towards the end I kept getting obsessive thoughts wanting to completely torture and destroy him. I even confided to him at one point when he managed to manipulate me out of my suspicions that “I have this urge to psychologically torture any guy who uses me”. I remember the same urge was there when I dated my only other ex-boyfriend, who also had mild narcissistic traits. I don’t think he was aware he was a narcissist so instead I’ve told him and sent him one of your videos about treatment. I just hope this will be a better way forward for both of us.
narcs dont have abillity to being self awre , you shoud read about truma bound , in my epenin you are in it , isolated bpds are the victom of narcs usally
This has answered a lot of questions for me my ex wife was sexually abused from 4 to 12 and then raped by her brother at 14 I have thought that she was a covert narcissist with borderline personality disorder and dissociative identity disorder being with her for 18 years through various stages she dissociative and walked out of the marriage .instead of chasing her i let her go she is beyond help I have not seen her for 18 months or spoken for 17 months lawyers have contacted her and she refused to cooperate in any way to finalize the resolution of the marriage I did a lot work on myself and 6 months ago meet a beautiful woman and I am learning to trust her because she is trust worthy my ex is now outraged and I am worried about her actions to come i have a trespass order on her but when she finally flips out that won't mean anything to her they are a bloody nightmare
Paul Townsend You don’t mention children. If you had kids with her, my sympathies for you and them. Yes, these people are beyond help and it is really a vision of hell. But I hope you do the internal work to find out why you got into this and why you stayed for 18 years. Don’t let it happen again.
My ex: Mother to my children displays and manifests all the traits of a borderline grandiose alter - narcissist. She cannot bare to be alone, triangulated me throughout our five years. She was abused as a child by her pedophile father, like that of her sister. Abandoned by their mother. Both sisters use men for personal desires and gain - regardless of the outcome. Abandonment issues are evident and histrionic. Both sisters mirror each others behaviour and lie compulsively; using sex as the lure to entitlement. They never settle in relationships; one has detachment issues; like agoraphobia, yet can make a living in the black by stripping. Never keeping a full time occupation. The other has love ‘apparently’ for her children and her animals. Claims she owes no one anything, relied upon the state for years - grandiose entitlement, never wrong or accountable. This video has explained much to me; having come here after 9 months educating myself reading books and forums (Quora) upon the subject matter. I believe her to have what I suspected: a personality disorder based upon her traumatic upbringing. You have another subscriber. Thank you.
Does psychology take hormonal shifts into account? Especially in women. I know many women who are prone to acting out in some of the ways you described in response to dysfunctional relationships when they are experiencing PMT/PMDD. And friends of mine have been misdiagnosed with bi polar etc and then realised their depression is intrinsically linked to their menstrual cycle and managed it accordingly knowing the times of the month they are happy and stable and when they are more vulnerable etc
Louisa Sasa There are some studies linking testosterone, estrogen, cortisol, to PCOS and endometriosis. If the Matrinac can’t regulate her own emotions, then it’s diffficult for her daughters to regulate their cycles. I went on a three year journey to explore my own hormonal system. Turns out going no contact and getting distance from toxic women was all I needed to start regulating my cycle again. No more ovarian cysts, no more migraines, no more panic attacks.
Yes. Hormones will do a lot to a woman and if she has a diagnosis like BPD it’s even more evident. Being self aware helps to prepare people for mood shifts.
I think borderlines always want to be best. When a narcissist appears. They like a challenge abs loose the emotion side slowly. First they are real then the competitive side of her comes up and she loses emotions and then without emotions and high level of intelligence with revenge combined etc turns into psychopathy due to hurt or trauma that narc caused. Then she recovers herself back if she doesn't act out on it. But I think narcs can turn nice person into bpd or psychos
Someone said that only a Borderline can destroy a Narcissist.Control and Narcisstic supply are the main things in a Narcissists life,you can't control a Borderline who changes all the time,it isn't possible to get the supply all the time either,bcs the Borderline doesn't love you deeply all the time.Dr Sam Vaknin called the relationship the Dance Macabre. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
Thank you so much for your videos! I've recently found out that I have BPD and it has answered so many questions I've had for many years about why I am the way I am. I've always felt that there are 2 of me living in this body. One is docile, caring, anxious and depressed and the other is just awful. I explained to the therapist when I had my assessment that when I go into a rage, it's like I'm watching it in a third person perspective and I'm screaming at myself to stop but the other me won't listen. That's just a small example of it. This video has explained it perfectly for me and has given me some clarity
Sam V., Why are you the only one with this insight? While Ive spent my time trying to slot my girlfriend into which of the ClusterBs she belongs,(she shows distinct characteristics of all 4), I never understood the dissociative aspects, nor the behavior, nor the choices she makes until now. Different unintelligible personalities would call me via phone and agressively try to accuse or threaten me in various ways. Most recently in a depleted narc supply episode, she picked up a carreer violent criminal, and was getaway driver while he robbed a convenient store. Shes from a rich family and wants for nothing. A new self-destructive vocation at 35, to sooth her Borderline self hatred. It's like watching a 4year old child on a runaway train headed towards a brick wall! But you have this behavior surrounded sir, I salute your profound genius, because no one else covers the subject like you!
Once you have been hurt by a psychopath you embody some of their behaviour..I found myself doing narcissistic things because it feel good.but because I have some level of empathy I don't feel like I am one..it's a strange feeling
Perfect explanation sir. Thankyou for giving it a name so I can identify it. This all has occurred in my three year relationship apart from the promiscuity to my knowledge. It has recently dramatically ended. Her attempts to contact me go cyclically from remorse to abuse within a 72hr timeframe. The same cycles I couldn't identify within the relationship. It probably occurs this way in association with her alcohol consumption. Now I see that it was used to account for her behavior. To discuss her actions with her either resulted in a mirroring of my words back at me or a justification. Her behavior even now, has me questioning whether I am the one to blame. Am I a narcissist, is there something wrong with me? For not identifying red flags, possibly. Still she is alone, and I worry about her.
Please write a simple book about explaining fundamental personality disorder for kids... Had I learned about BPD basics when I was a boy. I would have had fewer clashes with BPD adults / parents / teachers and maybe not have ended up married to one..
Do you find that you avoid individuals with extreme behaviours now as an adult? I know that i look for a sense of stability in the people I would like to have as friends.
My daughter is a borderline. Her father is a psychopath. I am an empath. I have moved out of the home. She hits me started doing drugs. Drinks and makes pornographic videos. I am soooo happy this video explains exactly my daughters psychopathic evil side. And her crazy borderline side. For some time I knew she was a psychopath and a borderline. She also has amnesia. Doesn’t remember things she has done. You are brilliant. I have divorced my husband. Took me 16 years to figure it out. Gaslighting constantly. I love you for all you do Sam ❤️
I'm divorced from a BPD and we coparent a son. She's in the high functioning category and once she painted me black embarked on a litany of acts of infidelity. She had multiple sexual encounters in inpatient psychiatric facilities. Even if on a particular day she wasn't cheating, she acted like she was. She convinced a mutual friend I was abusive and slept with him. He actually had enough character to confess to me with a heartfelt apology. I'm not going to drone on this culminated in an exit affair, and eight years later she's still with the same guy which I cannot fathom. I was crushed and angry and wanted some serious payback. I asked my father what he thought I should do. He advised me not to do anything that I would regret twenty or thirty years later. Additionally he reinforced that it was incumbent on me to provide my son with an example of a decent human being and not to empower the ex to control my behavior. It's been about eight years, and every once in a while I start to talk about one of her awful, horrendously cruel past behaviors and she immediately blurts out, "I don't want to talk about that!" She definitely has amnesia particularly for cruel, sadistic past behavior. I suppose that's an exhibition of guilt or shame. When we walked out of divorce court, I said yay! It's finally official and something you've been wanting for a long time. She got Def con 1 angry which confused me. The term secondary is psychopath is frightening I must say. I wonder if she's ever going to discard the recent boyfriend, she has a child with him that was conceived in the first weeks. There's no way she simply put down her crazy, it baffles ne.
Thank you for this highly informative video yet again. Love your work. Do you have any videos about solutions for Borderlines? What a 'healthy borderline' looks like and how they get to that state? What sort of therapies work best?
Hi Dr. Vaknin, my older sister has drained me for Decades. I alloed it bc I thought that I "needed her" or felt sorry for her. She survived being nearby (not there, bc fled the scene) when our Mother was murdered. That was 3 decades ago. She has managed to stay married for 35 years. Out of her 4 kids. The 3rd born left the house as a teenager, found another family w whom she now has a 3 year old child so my sister got her long wished for of being a grandmother. Her oldest daughter is 35, does chores around house, doesn't go anywhere except a job at a kids consignment store. Not exactly an exciting life! I have finally decided to almost completely block my sister. Communicating w her has born little fruit. She usually has us along w many others for Thanksgiving, since the food is good it may be worth it to go... But talking w her "level to level" is OVER. It was a Fantasy. YEP my family is messed up!
Thank you for such a clear and insightful video. This explains someone very close to me who has experienced significat trauma. This helps me understand 'them' more.
Thank you. Matches what I'm seeing with my (alcoholic) wife. This is helpful in my response to some really nasty stuff. What I've long thought was just a mean drunk, I can now begin to understand goes even deeper. Still learning.
100% accurate. I'm a male with BPD and I see that at times I've tended toward grandiosity and at other times toward psychopathy. It's really distressing because I don't want to be this sick and Ron myself and others. There seems to be no solution.
I'm not religious, but I started reading the words of Jesus and other philosophers who taught about compassion and peace. I have Cluster B characteristics, and I truly believe I have become a healthier, more selfless person because of my studies. I am still learning to be a blessing to others, but I know that if you change what you truly value in life, it is like you get a reset.
Brilliant videos Sam. So informative. Ive studied BPD for a few years now and wish I had found your insights much sooner. I have been in a relationship with a Classic Borderline high performing for over 5 yrs. Yip its had its challenges and moments of brilliance. A very dysfunctional relationship at times as I didn't have insight to know what was going on with her mental health. Shes prone to splitting when stressed just as you describe. Scary! Here's a question I wish someone could shed some light on - Given we have been together this long do you think she actually loves me like she makes out or is it her fear of abandonment that is "more likely" keeping her in the relationship?
Impressive, you just described exactly one of my former best friends who was diagnosed with bpd. I also used to think back then that she had two personalities; it's disturbing.
It is not easy to make it in the world when you put your true self forward, people don't seem like other peoples messy feelings, perhaps because it reminds them of their own weakness?
So, my mother was ( I thought ) borderline. And a Narcissist. But, maybe not? Interesting. She did seem to be more masculine and did say that what a man can do she can do better! And holy crap! She had a case of transient amnesia during a stressful time and when I was trying to leave home as a young adult. She did not want to let me leave.
Lol I missed your last introduction. Lil stressed Mr. Vaknin ? Lol your amazing and this has to be me. I dissociated from birth to 12 or 13 . Dad died when I was 7 followed by my brothers suicide the 5 years later my sister checked out .I have huge gaps of memory loss in my life I can't even make a time line of my life on paper. I still dissociate every day. I know what it is and I'm not going to mess with it . It's maybe an hour an I think of nothing but I'm aware of what's going on. Sam I've just started thing about my Narcissitic traits and they are pretty high I'm a people pleaser but finally after realizing I'm a fake I'm starting to get nervous. When I fist found out my very wealthy kinda famous dad and drunk mean mom were what happened in my tragic family history 6 kids im alone everyone's dead. I will never know what really happened I don't know how old my sister's and brothers were when they died there birthday none of it. I've been checked out my whole life I feel dead inaide like you said and now I'm an addict a meth addict even though I'm so ashamed well I was no Dr. Will ever understand why I can't stop. Stopping easy keeping off it for me it's the first time in 25 years I have felt somewhat alive with C.p.t.s.d. and ADHD. I get it but I know it's killing my body and I have to stop. I have a few times and the boredom and depression is to much and I don't care about who I am or getting better I've always felt like I had a child inside me and a bitch . Not really a bitch someone who comes out when I can't take any more and handles my no boundaries side. I love her but she goes away to fast . I know I don't have D I D I don't name them or dress different . I am Histrionic for sure . Way worse when I was younger . I need help please tell me if you know anyone or are taking patient's. I know your expensive but I will get the money . There are no trama therapists with my insurance and I'm tierd of them saying I'm bi polar. They have no clue . Thank you for the video that is as close as I've been so far.
@@Chris-0113 only the judgment bc I'm studying to be a therapist, I mean, the only problems I have with BPD are towards my BF, and my outbursts are rare. I don't like being labelled, i'm me.
I have always believed this from my limited experience. The parallel behavior is almost exactly the same. Throw in some histrionics and you have a true demon. Excellent video!
Demon? Na man, I'm a single mum of 2 boys who are wise beyond their years, considerate, sweet, out of control hilarious, they've both been looking after me while in unbearable wisdom teeth pain. my eldest (11) offered to walk to the shops to get me ibuprofen. And guess what?? I did that. DID IT ALL... ON MY OWN LIKE A BOSS BITCH! Add that in with the fact I suffer from this borderline insanity- the reason I've been addicted to drugs my entire adult life, the reason i engaged in such promiscuity as a teenager. The reason that until I was 19, id cut, scratch and rub perfume on the top of my thighs to try "feel" something. The reason I've not had one healthy consistent relationship or friendship that's lasted more than a few years- is all because I was first sexually abused at the age of 2. Yep. TWO YEARS OLD... Then he moved away and nothing happened until I was 6.... Then 14 Then 16 Im not even going to include the times I've been abused as an 'adult' Im 33 and only in the last year have i actually started to FEEL and THINK like an adult! I was not safe in my own home- especially not from my own parents as a child... And you want to label me a demon? A fart in your face Mamm! A BIG FAT FART in your face! I say good day and goodbye
They behave the same as jinns so I believe you are onto something (I’m sorry to anyone offended). A lot of supernatural things are hidden in our society. Of course it depends on the BPD, I think the “types” are really just different conditions in the first place.
I was broken by mit Family, psicologically, I believe I am a Bördeline, I never felt good, I Always Fight with my anxiety , and my fest to BE abandoned , I am a lone Wolf, I never Hurt people , I prefer hace no contact with them.......I am suicidal, and I am very afraid of living in this way, I would Like the Love but I think , I will never be prepared for that... I Always Fight with my inner demons.
He has many video's about Bpd and a Borderline wife.Dr Judy Rosenberg says Borderline's are daughters and a Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mother. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
I am a BL woman who's tried to understand how I seem to drift though the emotional and cognitive landscapes of all the BL clusters, like and ebb and flow. I have been diagnosed as Histrionic cluster C - grandiose narcissist. Very painful and confusing set of symptoms to have and take out on others without understanding what is happening to my cognitive processes, emotions, interactions, professional life, personal life because that diagnosis was BS. Personality disorders are CPTSD that (has subgenres) if you will helped me realize that these blanket diagnostic labels could not be applied to what I experience. BL in woman who couldn't build the full psychopathy, she becomes a secondary psychopath - self state - DID - dissociative episodes that seem to put me into a different cluster, a new set of disformed emotions and malformed platforms for how interactions with people who have to interact with me, try to love me go through and how protect others from me and grow enough that the best part of life ... having emotions isn't going to keep ripping me into more pieces and hurting the people in my life. Thank you for your work. These videos are helpful.
This helped me understand so much. I turned down my BPD close friend of many years for intimate relations and she ruined my life over it, i think i now see why. Everything just clicked into place after like 2 years of looking for answers. Many others helped but i think it finally clicked. Now i just need to try and find out why so many ery close friends i've had have NPD.
Very helpful and interesting video! I was diagnosed with cluster B/bpd/CPTSD by different professionals - I say that because my "selves" are all so different to the level that you described. The description and explanation of the bpd "alters" clears things up for me as I've long compared these facets of self to MPD/alters. The differences are quite dramatic and something I can tap into like a switch (which I am aware feels extremely abnormal and thus to me, on a rational level I am aware that it is disturbing to other people and also, at the end of the day, myself). Just glad to know that at my core however, I do care about people and I wouldn't be able to commit a harsh crime without remorse. An interesting note... I've been conscious of these different sides to myself for some time in my development (now in my late 20s) to the point of even naming those personalities different names. I wonder if - like that theory in which violent psychopaths are people who "feed" those impulsive thoughts - perhaps my disorder is in part, to me having "fed" these parts of myself and psyche. Not always able to be conscious and aware of one's own actions ofc, but anywho, food for thought
‘Extremely startling conclusion’... Haha I am not at all surprised to hear they’re secondary psychopaths. Will prob keep reacting throughout the vid. It’s exciting. It’s a new, and I believe more accurate, interpretation and labelling of these absolutely wild women.
Hahahaha and then the laundry list ensued. Oh man, that was glorious. You’re right, we are absolutely aware of their many many many many identifiable behaviours.
Ahhh yes! My witchy ladies were complete opposites regarding one becoming schizoid, and the other not even being able to grocery shop without bringing a source of supply. Love it.
I listened to the end while getting ready for work and was literally screaming out loud in delight. Closing remarks were absolutely brilliant, and explain exactly why... why they are all in the same ‘bag’ and the bag is trauma. Why sufferers all seem to fit different labels within the Cluster B category at different times depending on what they want. And also, why some social media stars (attention whores) are starting to call themselves DID and make videos about DID. Watching those vids is reminiscent of the ageing histrionic who is switching to hypochondria now that she’s losing her sex appeal. Hypochondria regarding mental health issues is so widespread now, as is ‘Narcissistic tendencies’ specifically because we’re glorifying arrested development to such an unhealthy degree in the West. It seems as though everyone is acting like they’re an abused child now! Alas, that is because these unfavourable traits are being inverted as virtuous for some damn reason... Oh yeah, attention in lieu of sex appeal.
This sounds like a fit for Amber Heard in the current Depp V Heard trial. - also they seem to represent the perfect fit for a couple engaged in the danse macabre. Thank you um Dr Vaknin.
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Forget the Game of Thrones, or Braking Bad..... Sam Vaknin is more exciting than all TV shows combined.
I agree completely! I am fascinated by his words and frankness.
Though I feel he is speaking directly to me, and I maybe should be offended, it's somehow comforting to hear about my bull shit so unbiased and with no sweet talk/beating around the bush. He speaks not only to my own laundry list of DXs, he also touches on every single relationship I've had, romantic or not.
I have been diagnosed with BPD, PTSD, clinical Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and ADHD. I have self diagnosed my codependency, and also C-PTSD(probably in place of the PTSD)
I have spent hundreds of hours, months, years, ferociously researching the men I've been with, and what I've gone through with them. Their symptoms and their sources. Why they do what they do. How, why, what, where, when they tick....
But Sam is the only one who is combining the information/connection of their disfunction, with my own. Which is really what is important.
My own is all I can do anything about, my own is all I have control over. So while I'm hurt...devastated, really, over my failed attempts at a "normal" relationship, and the "things that have been done to me," I am forced (rightfully so) to stare my own part in the disfunction, in the face.
Its refreshing, and its also so imperative for me to have this info so that I can change my world. I am ending this bull shit cycle.
I have three children who I couldn't possibly imagine NOT putting themselves through, and dealing with, all the things I have since I was a kid. I want to change that. I want them to have every possibility of living "normal," thriving, happy lives. That, at this point, depends on me. And we are at a huge disadvantage, just for the meer fact that we've all been living in this disfunction, and somewhat normalized it, for me, 33 years, and my kids 14 13 and 8 years. Thank you Sam. For dedicating your life to information. Information that, if we didn't have you, would be so distorted and incorrect, we wouldn't possibly have any room for change. ♡
Oh yeah yeah yeah his content is often useful but don’t feed his ego like that jesus christ lol (coming from a fan who recognizes this man clearly is a narc himself. most brilliant ppl are haha)
True, 100%... But U want some REAL Drama? Spend 2+ years w my bpd ex who monkeybranched me. Heck, spend a WEEK with her. Now THAT'S drama. Heck, that's a real life HORROR story.
Sam exhibits a disturbing amount of psychopathy.
When I see him speak my reptile brain goes to Defcon 1! All my animalistic instincts are measured distance from his reach and and analyzing his body language for a weak point to attack.
He is so glib, with that flat affect! I strongly urge anyone that meets this man in person not to turn your back on him.
The arrogant facial expression makes it quite clear to me that he's getting narcissistic fuel from pontificating all the treachery and discord afflicted on others.
The fuel is akin to Ambrosia (The drink of all the God's on Mount Olympus) and he was so smug he tried to emulate the drama of a Riddley Scott film ending with the big reveal that he was the monster.
I figured that out by chapter three. Once I understood what a narcissist was, I encountered two after I could smell them 500 yards away.
The first was a abusive Vietnamese turd that I had the misfortune of being subordinate too at work.
That little lizard screamed at me in front of of all my peers over a period of 4 months. I was a salesman consistently in the top 7, regardless of how much I sold his reaction was to scream obscenities decided to record him with a micro cassette recorder, on the record he disparaged my mother!
I played it for my dad, and dad's best friend was an attorney that was more than capable of getting me off on an assault charge.
Particularly with all the recordings and witnesses I had. I trained in western boxing and Kung Fu for nine years, I'm 6`1 and at the time my fighting weight would have been 175, but it was 154 in peak shape. I was far from being in shape.
We met with the attorney and he sort of advised me on the different levels of assault and the line between felony and misdemeanor and I had no criminal record.
My boss was about 5'3 130Lbs. Of course he started in again because the company was small enough to not have a human resources department, his boss heard it every time and thought it funny.
He ratcheted up the abuse and I looked at him him with bottomless contempt and said I'm sorry I didn't catch that. Would you repeat it. The guy sitting next to me said my eyes glazed over he described it as a vampire.
My boss didn't pick up on that and he was maybe 35 feet away and walked towards me in a quick pace with a menacing look, so I lowered my office chair as low as it would go and positioned myself as such that I would be on my feet in the blink of an eye with a position that I could hit him with basically any punch a boxer has but from his position he couldn't hit me.
As soon as he was in striking Distance I was on my feet and positioned for a lot of leverage.
I bitch slapped him in the right temple with my left hand with the motion of a hook bent my knees and weaved and slapped him under the chin also with my left hand in an uppercut motion lifting his head and slapped him in cheekbone/lower eye socket with my right hand the sound of the the right hand hitting his face was loud it made him swell up really badly.
I said that was for talking about my momma!
I gave you the courtesy of not hitting you with a closed fist, I just chumped you in front of the entire company.
If you you want to step out into the parking lot you can give me some payback! You want to step outside? He was stunned very frightened. I said HUH! Really loudly, and then turned to the two douchebags he was subordinate too.
I said you stood there and watched that cowardly little shit abuse me like a dog and didn't do shit! Who wants some? There was a pudgy one that practiced his golf short game all day, wearing Versace he even had the club in his hand. I pointed at him and said you! Do want some? I shoved him in the shoulder and the CEO said that's enough! You've definitely made your point! I think we can all agree that Richard and I didn't respond accordingly and for that I apologize. Your boss is married to my sister and I succumbed to nepotism.
I think we can agree that you no longer want to work with us. In light of me not putting a stop to this I'm willing to pay you 4 months severance equal to your average gross commissions for the last sixty days and keep you on medical insurance for the same amount of time.
He reached out to shake my hand and apologized the other superior to my boss made him an icebag for his swollen face. It was silent as a crypt when I walked out.
I regret doing that today, I should have put a stop to it without resorting to violence. In the end the Narcissistic Personality Disordered dude with sociopathic tendencies was a sniveling coward.
In hind sight that could have gone very badly if he had a firearm for example. I think there pretty much like all bullies that instinctively know who to abuse, I ticked all the boxes because I was making a lot of money and wanted to keep my job.
From the handful of accounts I've heard and seen, if the prey is pushed to far they become the predator and the narcissist never sees it coming.
The second was my ex wife, she definitely bested me left me traumatized and with an ulcer.
@@Prairiedogggg @Sara Dailey So are you afflicted with NPD or have you been victimized by a NPD?
I couldn't tell based on your narrative. Typically a woman with all the diagnostic labels, pick a kind hearted, naive, dependent guy and proceed to paint the guy black, gut them emotionally. These women cultivate another romantic relationship with another and as soon as the new guy is all in, you throw the old guy into a dumpster with no compunction.
I'm just wondering, do you have a psychological fear of abandonment? In the past were you engaging your romantic partners with the push/pull dynamic?
I found it very peculiar that BPD suffers worst fear is abandonment and the moment their partner exhibits honest intimacy which should alleviate the fear of being left. Instead the BPD feels enmeshed and is horrified that their partner loves them so much that the partner is six ways fucked up for loving a person who is so broken.
It's truly heartbreaking that borderline personality perpetually having their worst fear realized because they themselves orchestrated it.
My Ex Wife is BPD. She's five feet tall and weighs 105 pounds. At the end of the relationship I preferred her to punch me in the face as hard as she could because it was less painful than the emotional abuse.
One thing I learned by reading a book called Character Disturbance by Dr. George Simon that all the abuse was rooted in Freudian crap that everything Cluster B's abuse is a defense mechanism is complete bullshit!
He analyzed the behavior starting with violent offenders in prison and figured out that the behavior was offensive in every way. Defense mechanisms are designed to guard oneself from pain that is so traumatic one finds it unbearable.
He opened a family practice and a mother of an unruly teenager was afraid because her son actually shoved her.
The mother said regardless of what I say he's always so defensive. Dr. Simon pointed out that the behavior was offensive in nature designed to accomplish a specific outcome.
Read his book it's fantastic!
I have BPD and it's unreal to me how well this explains my internal experiences. I've said for years that it feels like there are two, seemingly distinct, versions of me and it's this ongoing battle in which I keep trying to cage the part of me that is reckless and prone to antisocial behaviours. It's almost like at my core, there's a vulnerable and scared little kid and when that kid gets hurt, another self, very much a protector self takes over, comes out, and will go do anything to defend and protect that core child. And now this doesn't happen every time a relationship dissolves for whatever reason, but there have been a few times where during an argument or some conflict I can quite literally, physically, feel an internal switch flip - like any warmth or empathy or kindness that was in me completely turns off. I go cold, it's the opposite of the hot anger. And in those moments I completely stop caring about the other person and they're as good as dead to me, like they never existed. They could be crying in front of me and I feel nothing. It's weird because when I'm not in that mode, I genuinely feel shame and guilt if I unintentionally hurt someone and care deeply about people. But in the 'dark' mode, even after, I can recognize that whatever I likely said or did in that moment is wrong, and I probably should feel guilt and regret...but I just don't. It's a constant battle of trying to figure out which me is 'me'. I guess cognitively they both are but they feel distinct.
You nailed it. This is me
Me too!!!
You can find balance. Both of these aspects are you! But both of these aspects on their own are too extreme. Your "child self" is the extreme inversion of your "protector self", and vice versa. Only if you can break free from the extreme tendencies of your "child self", you will be able to integrate the "protector self".
Thank you for sharing your expirience. My mum has BPD, i defenetly see such a patern in her. I have been trying to help and failed, i am so sorry that i can not help her, she suffered and sometimes hurt people in such states. It is so painful. But now i understand what is going on.
Omg you describe me to a T! Say I split and I start to hate someone. It's not like they are 'nothing' - they definitely exist - I just wish they didn't lol. I'll often joke with friends that if i ever saw my enemies get hit by a truck, I'd make sure they couldn't get help - hell, i wish i was driving said truck. I am not a warm, fuzzy person normal but I'd never intentionally go out of my way to hurt someone who's done nothing to me but if they have hurt me then...they are fair game to me. I swear that 'dark side' is capable of anything. I sometimes call her my inner psychopath LOL
As someone with bpd I am grateful for every single one of these videos. I want to change and the harsh truth of these videos provides me the motivation to do so.
@@WarriorHitomi Good luck to you as well!
Very Admirable , got luck
@Paula Kean Thats valid. I guess everyones journey is different. It would be insane to think that my approach would suit every person with bpd. This is what is working for me right now and is equally as valid as it not working for others.
As a person who was gravely hurt by a bpd wife, I applaud your courage and integrity and wish you the best of luck. It's healing to read your comment.
@@RobMacKendrick I am sorry to hear that you were hurt by your wife. It is extremely difficult because her hurt comes from a very real place but it unfortunately does not make it okay to hurt others. With more knowledge in emotional intelligence and personality disorders I do believe there will come better days where we can effectively help these people heal.
It's really unfair, what happens to a person who is a chronic, long time victim of a malignant narcissist.
Yup. Dear old dad won’t be getting even an e-card this year for Father’s Day.
@@natatattful What I have gleaned from his Professor Vaknin's wk is that he is saying we who have C-PTSD are the same as psychopaths. Being dissociated is a coping skill, not being, acting in a psychopathic way. I married a full blown narcissistic psychopath. He was an incredibly vicious and violent man. My father is a sadistic, grandiose narcissist. I think it's a bit rich, given that Vaknin, a psychopath himself, is making these statements about C-PTSD. In my experience people who have C-PTSD are incredibly kind, empathetic, and very aware of the impact of their behaviour on other people. I don't believe Vaknin would be able to understand this bc he CANNOT empathise. I, therefore, disagree with Professor Viknan on this point. In fact, there was an uproar when the DSM 5 was put out by mental health practitioners globally.
that's more commonly known as using mental anguish as an excuse to be an a-hole to others
and then also use it as a shield to hide behind when you receive criticism for it
It's really interesting to me how BPD ALWAYS turn the discussion back to them being a victim. Even if the discussion is about how they're abusive to others. They will still make it about them being a victim. BPD and NPD are two sides of the same coin, they're both cluster B disorders.
@@queenofthebutterflies5212 I like your take on distinguishing C-PTSD / psychopath. The DSM5 statement is correct. My question is did you intentionally switch the spelling of Vaknin (Viknan)?
I saw this in the 1960's and apparently psychologists simply did not want to consider the possibility that borderline women with dissociative tendencies function as psychopaths in society. It's about time professionals accept that such a combination is extremely destructive, and be open to treating such patients with full consideration of their flawed perceptions and downward spirals. Thank you for posting this.
Agreed 👍🏽
I totally agree! But I want to add that the damage they inflict on others is devastating to say the least. The pain of BPD is often portrayed in relation to the person themself, but in realtiy, the pain and damage they do to others is immense and is not represented in all those help videos in any way. This channel is great though, covering almost all aspects.
@@gedankenradio143 Well obviously. The damage done to others covers an immensely vast field
How could anyone expect anybody to even begin to start to lay out the various degrees and kinds of damage done!?!
This is by far the most accurate description of what I experienced in my relationship with a likely BPD. So much so it was a little triggering/distressing (well worth it though). In their apparently "normal" self state, they would solicit information about my boundaries and needs in a seemingly genuine attempt to manage their impulsive behavior and its effects on me. But then within a day or two the secondary psychopathic alter would use that information to violate those specific boundaries, clearly taking pleasure in the trauma and betrayal they were enacting. Having a conceptual framework like this helps to alleviate the nightmarish quality of that experience.
I believe that I went through such an event about a week ago with what I believed to be a very close lady friend of mine for the past year.
I chose to break contact. And it's quite excruciating. All the 'I could have done this, or not do that, or been more careful, or been more open, etc, etc' is almist unbearable.
Yes, there were signs of what I believe to be something close to BPD, with serious trauma and abuse in her life. While I was well aware that it is not my responsability to 'fix' her, I was there for her whenever loneliness and emptyness and physycal pain made her ask for my help ans presence, and then some. I just couldn't help it.
Staying in no contact hopefully will pay off.
I am a BPD female (this is my husband’s account).
I really relate to the alters part, but not what it is triggered by. When I sense that another person has a predatory view of me, THAT’s when that secondary psychopath comes out. It’s like I see that they want to hurt me, so I want to hurt them more to punish them? Like Vanessa said, it’s as if a switch had been thrown.
Thank you for making this content. I am trying to work on managing my BPD and becoming the best version of myself. I had no idea what was going on for years.
He has many video's about Bpd. JazzyT.
Exactly
I will always remember the time I confronted my BPD ex after she broke my boundaries and she said, "I just don't feel feel empathy for you anymore." she was like a completely different person.
That's called a split. JazzyT.
@@zentzu4003
I'm sorry. I experienced something very similar when my Grandfather passed away. She went off on me, and my Dad.
This is great! My mother is borderline ! She is truly a violent and emotionally abusive person. No control over actions and complete black outs.
Ditto with my Mother ..
Avalon Mist 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Mine too. We must be a species. I realized about a decade ago that my mother required "love, support, and encouragement"; necessities for all humans. It didn't help that my father was driving a taxi at night in the 60's and having extra marital affairs. I should not have been be prive to all this ugliness as a child. A "coerced confidant".
Mine too. Even when she was dying, she could not admit the harm she had done. Three weeks before she died, she told me she had been thinking about her life. Like an idiot, I thought she was going to apologize for ruining my life, but she told she had come to the conclusion that she was a victim, a true, true victim. I honestly don’t think she saw it. Sometimes I actually feel guilty about how much better everything is since her death.
M Your English is just fine, better than I can do in any foreign language. Best to you.
Speaking personally, my life has been calmer, simpler, and more emotionally regulated since I made the conscious decision to be more, 'wolf'.
I did the same but then later realized it was just another form of avoidance. It feels empowering and healthy but the moment I was faced with reality it all came crashing down. Good luck
@@arablover123 hey, can i ask what you are doing now, instead of resorting to lone wolf mode?
@@arablover123Exactly. Plus, "wolf" is just another word for narcissism.
This is brilliant - incredibly insightful observations on the Lone Wolf aspect of the psychopathic BPD subcategory. I’ve never seen this aspect addressed of Lone Wolf dissociative psychopathy in BPD. Brilliant. Hopefully, Professor Vaknin will write/talk more on this topic in future lessons.
He has many video's about Bpd,he is married to a Borderline, too. JazzyT.
My partner has BPD (male). I am a schizoid narcissist. This video is spot on. I used to retaliate severely when he would lash out. Now I just shrug it off and ignore him. This seems to work because he calms down within minutes. I don't even get riled up anymore when he's in his ´mood´. That seems to show him his behaviour is unacceptible apparantly. I'm no angel either. I can be vicious and be it on purpose. I am not out to hurt anyone but once you cross the line you better run. Since we both have our issues (and know it) we work at having at least some kind of a healthy relationship. Why we are together? No sane person could ever put up with us. It somehow works
i realy want to knoe what happend to your rel today...
Must be an intense relationship.
Bet you have some fun holidays
so very important to remember you are dealing with a psychopath with a bpd. my empathy for bpd's abuse made me excuse her misbehavior. this almost allowed her to destroy me.
With a supportive partner people with bpd thrive.
IF they want to change. Sometimes, they just refuse to see that they are the issue, and instead go around blaming everyone else in their lives and convincing themselves they are the victim. It took me a lot of time to realize this, and I only broke up once my ex got violent with me and then blamed me for it @@WildandFree4
😂@@WildandFree4
Having been in a relationship with a bpd female. This makes perfect sense.
I've known a lot of bpd individuals in my time. And I've unknowingly been close to some.
In order to integrate these experiences correctly, I've been watching a lot of different videos. With your videos, there rings a lot of truth to me.
The bpd individual craves attention, affection and having someone very close to them. However, because they switch in their self-states, they also switch in how they view others around them. In their narcissistic state, they find someone to idealize. Just like a narcissist, they put their target on a pedestal. Not to idealize the other person but to idealize themselves through them. If they put someone on a pedestal and they manage to "score" that person, it is to them the proof of their own value and grandiosity.
However, then the fears set in. In this state, the fears are still somewhat narcissistic. They worry that they've idealized the wrong person and start to see things in that person (no matter if it's a partner or a friend) that go against their grandiosity, because humans are flawed. In a way, they get into the same discard stage as someone who is narcissistic.
This is the stage where the abandonment issues set in. However, the borderlone person missattributes this emotional reality. They cannot be honest with themselves about the fact that theyre afraid to be left, to be the one discarded. So they focus more on the perceived mistakes of the other person, thinking to themselves that they must've overlooked a lot about the person. In a way, thats true. But its also not. They dont realize that they perceived everything about them just fine and that their change in perspective is just due to their change of self states.
To me, that's the point where the psycopathy sets in. The bpd individual can't cope with the insecurity, thus they switch into a mode where the other person becomes a nuisance to them. Like a splinter stuck under their skin. So they act out. Violate the other persons boundaries and personality. In a way, they're trying to force the other person to discard them at that stage, as they are not yet free of their fear of abandonment yet, nor of the illusion that they're not able to continue all on their own. If the target doesnt discard them after multiple tries of this, they finally re able to see the person as not useful to them, nor as valuable to them. Its a very disturbing thing in a way. Because it feels like they need someone to not want them, to not give them what they need, in order to keep their affection for them. Just like a narcissist again. They dont see themselves as valuable, so a person cannot be idealized that sees value in them.
Once this state is reached, the psychopathic detachment begins. However, after my experiences, its uite common for bpd people to switch between all three self states in that phase. One day, they will break up the connection, the next day they will knock on your door, begging to take you back, only to discard again two days later. They will repeat thi cycle multiple times, only breaking out of it and finally completely devalueing the target if they don't block these advances each and every time.
In the end, the bpd individual will often go into a state that is the perfect mixture of psychopathic detachment and victimhood mentality. They will view the other person as toxic to them, view themselves as the victim and the hurt one, while also aware of their own helplessness in the whole situation. However, this they will only admit to themselves. To themselves they will be honest about not knowing what they want or feel or need and thus not being able to communicate about it. And of course they are clueless. How could they not, given the fact that they are most of the time five different people throughout the day?
Its crucial to them though to not be honest about this with other people (besides the ones they hurt) because on one hand, it would disrupt their selfimage throughout all of the states and it aould also block them from pulling in others and repeating their cycle.
In a way, bpd individuals are addicted to pain and drama, to both being the victim and the perpetrators. All of them that I met were very aware of this fact, however just like a narcissist, they dont want to see what it exactly means and says about them as a person.
My closest relationship with a bpd individual was very short, thankfully. However, I can still feel the damage greatly, always beware with people like this, always.
Thank you, this has helped alot
What if I try to stop the "acting really weird so that the other person gets rid of me because I'm afraid of getting attached" phase? For example, I have a friend and I like him as a person, but sometimes when I get scared, I start viewing him in a bad light ("he just wants to hurt me", "remember when he said xyz to you?"), however, I know exactly what this is and so I confront him and tell him that I am having these thoughts and that I feel like ending the friendship because I'm scared. We usually find a way to sort it out. Sometimes it comes back but I'm able to just kinda ignore it. Thankfully, I have only acted out once 1 year into our friendship, I said something mean to him because I felt abandoned, but I apologized immediately and explained it to him. I wonder, is it possible that BPD symptoms "lessen" over time? Can you get healed from BPD? Because I feel like my symptoms have gotten less and less intense over the years. I wonder if I managed to heal a little bit or if it's gotten easier just because I don't encounter triggering situations anymore, but I'm actually still a monster inside. Will I always be like this, for the rest of my life? I'm really scared of what I can do to people
majority of ppI in the comments are ignorant and actuaIIy dont know borderIines they just know narcissists and they're getting them mixed up IoI
This is unbelievable accurate and to the point in it's entirety
Wow, dude! Precisely!
This is BRILLIANT and cutting-edge info... Thank you. "Rooted in trauma" is a key phrase here that may help us have more empathy and understanding. As a RECOVERING co-dependant who's attracted cluster Bs most of my adult life, I've been watching these NPD/cluster B videos for five years trying to figure out WHY I had these experiences. I'm learning and growing by seeing my part in the powerfully magnetic attraction/dysfunction/love/hate crazymaking dynamic, too! I have peace now by seeing the red flags and not buying into former triggers, having better boundaries, and refusing to let history repeat itself. Thanks again!!
Yikes - I hate to associate myself with the word psychopath but I believe it to be true! Makes complete sense and helps me understand my behavior. Great work and great videos. Thank you.
Yep I agree..try to figure out why I do what I do the shame and regret behind my impulsive behaviour and the “dissociation” behind it!!!! 💔
Lol your username
@@cj7627BPD and a gun? 😂 I live in Canada and it's hard asf to get a gun, but that doesn't seem smart and probably would be even catastrophic
This describes my mom... now I understand why I get so sick every time I let her into my life again. She used to drink and abuse me mentally and emotionally. She also became violent sometimes but I was always stronger than her. I actually lost is, and ended up beating her up once. And then she claimed to not remember anything she had done, only what i had done wrong. She shows no sign of self-awareness or remorse.
a lot of the cluster Bs seem pretty fluid & overlapping, as if in need of an overhaul. edited to add: your conclusion makes perfect sense to me
There can be an overlap in Cluster B, but not always. JazzyT.
thank you. I hope I have understand it right. I have borderline, but I only feel like I psychopath, then I feel overwhelmed distressed or abandoned by a partner. Afterwards after the amnesia period I can feel my true self and feel big sorrow, grief and sadness of the distress and anxiety I have caused the other part.
So I am definitely full of empathy, its only then I dissociate in very stressed situations that a temporary psychopath can appear because of the huge amount of anger load I am feeling in the moment.
I have read countless books and articles and watched so many videos trying to find anything that mirrored my experience with my BPD ex and this is the first thing that really nails it. I still remember the time I sat down to ask her some questions about lies she had told in our past and she just could not put together any of the details. Even when I recapped the lies, I could see the confusion in her eyes. In the years since we broke up, I had come to the conclusion that it was just another manipulation technique. The thought of a dissociative personality was not something I had come across in the things I had read, so it never crossed my mind again that she may have actually been truthful when she couldn't remember even the most blatant lies she had gotten caught in. This video is so important for me because that relationship damaged so much trust I had in anyone. It made me question everything I believed about humans because I thought I had been completely conned by a master manipulator. I always felt I had been in love with a psychopath who abused me for her own narcissistic gain and everything to the contrary was just an act I fell for because I was naive. Knowing I may have been dealing with altered personalities makes me feel less naive and less a victim of a psychopathic abuser.
Dr Sam Vaknin has many video's about Bpd,he is married with a Borderline,too, there's an interwieu with his wife Lydia on his channel. JazzyT.
I can relate to that very much. I had a similar experience and it took me years to get back on my feet. Still struggling though..
It's been a total emotional deregulation and doubt for all my life. A significant part of it is that I thought I was a psychopath but I can feel and decided not to be mean, not to lie and take advantage of someone or opportunity. I decided not be as the ones that made me that way, I decided not to pass this disease ahead. In fact, I'm not a psycopath but that of course part of me and now I know why.
Dr Ramani says it's 4 types of Borderline. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
CPTSD and BPD diagnosed. This is dead on accurate, I do have psychopathic tendencies when I am disrespected/deliberately deceived by my favorite person. My marriage to a malignant narcissistic cocaine addict undermined all the work I had done over years and years. All of those unflattering borderline traits you’ve been naming off is exactly what he was doing to me and was using my BPD diagnosis against me and attempting to manipulate my family and psychiatrist at the VA hospital. I’ve divorced him and spend ALLLLL my time alone. It’s peaceful and safe.
She always admires the narcissist until he must be destroyed, by destroying herself while both laughing and crying (split).
She can never attain true narcissism, that is the object of her love. Once she 'realizes' she cannot have it, the relationship must be destroyed, not merely ended.
Great presentations Sam.
Yes, exactly
Guess that's why bpds are narcs kryptonite as they say
@soft kisclosure the amount of love and empathy I carry for people and animals overwhelms me and often drowns me. My empathy is my disaster. And so am I.
Sam Vaknin says in another video,that Borderline's has a huge heart and empathy,but when they gets angry they becomes a secondary Psychopath.He has many video's about Bpd. JazzyT.
I finally feel understood I was always scared to own up to my psychopathic tendencies cause that’s not what I am either. It’s this big confusion inside of me...
Thank! You! Sir!!! I was diagnosed with "quiet" BPD and DID. You are spot on, down to the point of having at least a bit of influence on my altars (I call them my team) behaviour. Amnesia and that people have a hard time understanding what all of this means makes me feel in this world like a werewolf in a silver museum. 🤔🙄
But also for pointing out about some of us being like a lone wolf and gender roles being blurry.. I never felt female or male, I was always just "me", with female and male traits. There are days when I'm not unhappy, even without drugs, when I can live with myself. Today I feel OK about myself. Thank you, sir! 🙂🇮🇪👍🍀
I relate hard to this.
☆☆☆☆ Finally I found the correct information. This video is the most accurate I have found in describing the 15 years I was married to a woman who lives constantly in this "cycle" of back and forth between what always seemed as if multiple personalities were at play. Acting very sweet and kind followed by revenge, sadistic behaviors and pleasure derived from causing misfortune and pain to others in any facet of her life intimate/family/workplace/ and her own children. Constant punishments, ASPD behaviors and actions with zero conscience, morals or accountability. But absolutely in need of a partner who was the exact opposite in their behaviors. Very well described and finally someone who understands and plainly explains the processes and what these individuals must go through and live with, and what those who become entangled with them are in turn dealing with. Thank you Sam Vaknin for your doing so. Just waiting for the psychological/ psychiatric community to follow suit with what is very real in your explanations and understandings of the Secondary Psycopathy/ Borderline area of the Cluster B Personality Spectrum. ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
He has many video's about Bpd and are married to a Borderline. JazzyT.
Dr. Vaknin, this was the most helpful video ever. HOW DO YOU SAFELY INTERACT WITH A BORDERLINE you are committed to for other (non-caretaking) reasons? A partner or child of a borderline is confused by the switching and never quite sure when it might happen or what to do, and typical reactions escalate and don’t help anyone. This video helped me discover the only key I’ve found. After watching videos of true DID patients and seeing them switch personalities, something clicked inside, and I realized I can SEE and say to myself, “this (new disregulated persona) isn’t my mother.” Or “this isn’t my wife (husband), this isn’t the woman (man) I married.” Which allows the child/partner to emotionally and physically disengage until the stable base personality returns. For me, I may SEE it, I’ll quickly VALIDATE the emotion/thought with “are you feeling___because___?“ Regardless of the answer, if they are misrepresenting things I “call their bluff“ by stating the fact as I see it, and then I am mediately LEAVE. As I’ve tried this, I discovered it allows quick and respectful exits, which result in a much higher incidence of the borderline being able to process, notice their own disregulation without blaming it on others, theneven returning and saying “I’m sorry I reacted the way I did, I was mishearing the situation…“!! It doesn’t change their emotional dysregulation at the time, but by quickly and respectfully disengaging I allow them space and contrast to notice their switching without the experience being muddied by my reactions. And the emotional turmoil inside has largely disappeared. Seeing borderline as dissociative switching is incredibly powerful for me.
See my BPD playlist.
"So what we have in a borderline is a dissociative psychopath...The dissociative psychopath usually with the pronounced grandiosity of the narcissist and the seductiveness and flirtatiousness of the histrionic when they are provoked by abandonment anxiety." WOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spot on. That is exactly what I have dated or married 2x now. They are the siren from greek mythology.
There can be an overlap i Cluster B,but not always,the Narcissist don't have empathy,but a Bpd has that. JazzyT.
This makes sense but it is really bad news
😳😱 CPTSD right here - spot on with the exception of being able to control your reactions; intermittent explosions prevent that at times.
Thank you professor Vaknin
You have accurately described my current situation with an undiagnosed borderline. She has assumed deep narcissistic and psychopathic traits. Her secondary personality which is characterised by rage, manipulation, and callousness are in striking contrast to her host personality which is warmth, caring and a fun loving spirit. Your commentary has instilles a sense of fear in me, but has helped me to better navigate my current environment.
I'm a bpd but I'm trying to fight my inner psychopath as hard as I can... I feel deep regret to all the people I've hurt... I have a big conscience and sense of morality even though this morality code gets disturbed when I feel hurt... But I sincerely don't wanna hurt anyone... Every time I've lashed out and hurt someone I would do charity and try to make things good for all the bad I've done... (sorry for my bad english)
Im the same, im very into meditation and I do my best to become a good person, the only person I abuse is my partner and is so hard to control bc I do It only bc of my trust issues.
@@6699s I feel you! But at least we aren't in denial! Self awareness is the first step to improvement! It might be a lifelong challenge for us, but we have to keep fighting for our loved ones and not let this disorder control our lives! Much love and light to you ❤🍀😊
Sam you have spoken so well on this topic. Nobody even profs have taken my dissasociation seriously. Its like dropping into a concrete overcoat. It dispells just as instantly and all the colour/ noise come rushing in + I feel alive again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dissociation.
This brilliant video is another keeper from you, Dr. Vaknin- thank you so much! You continually help me to evolve in my personal & professional understanding. The “soul of a Cluster B” is why their behavior is never personal to the other, & if abusive, help is called for. Also, “the Cluster B tribe” explains who and why they are attracted to them. Personally, your video lectures have brought me ongoing, and deepening, closure. I continue to highly recommend your works. Thank God there is a plethora of helpful resources for all interested parties, your videos on the top of the list. 💜
4:28 When the borderline lifepartner is another proud member of the cluster B tribe...."
Proud member... It got me too.
😂Sam Vaknin calls it the Dance Macabre,with Borderline and Narcissist. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
This explains a lot. My ex is ASPD, Narcissistic, Histronic and I'm positive his girlfriend is BPD. Thankfully my children no longer are required to be around either of them, but their little half brother is doomed.
Can u explain more about inner objects and outer objects in case of Borderline Personality , their is one video of you with richard, where you talk about Borderline, but i want you to expand on your inner Object and outer object theory and how the Borderline confuse between two and how you can relate all the Borderline behaviour with this inner, outer Object theory, I would love to hear you on this inner outer object theory in a separate video, i was in a relationship with a Borderline for 10 years.
I've not been diagnosed with borderline, but I am suspecting that this is what has been at work to some extent during most of my life. I am avoidant, for the most part. But I really feel you nailed it here and I can identify with these behaviours.
Dr Judy Rosenberg says Borderline's is the Scapegoat child of a Narcissistic mother. JazzyT.
This is the most accurate description of what I experienced with my last ex. The BPD was obvious as she checked every box and I saw a bit of histrionic traits. The further we got into the relationship, she began to display more narcissistic and anti-social traits. She adamantly denied having BPD but was recorded as having high traits of NPD and ASPD by a psychologist. I called her a "cluster B platter" and this video cleared up how & why this is the case. She spoke a lot of dissociation too but didn't have the amnesia aspect.
Unfortunately from too much experience, I can concur anectodily with Sam's video. My ex fiance presented as Dark Tetard, however with traits of covert NPD, HPD, DID, and BPD, which were fluid upon the person, situation, etc.
In trying to find explanations on what I went through, (that I intuitively knew due to my experiences), nothing ever added up, via what multitudes presented in regards to the different characters, (comorbid or otherwise), on the deleterious amounts of videos, articles, and experts I talked to, (over an exhaustive 8 year period), until I saw this video from Sam.
Thank you Sam for finally shedding some clarity on this exhaustive process!
The BPD she presented was the first "signs and symptoms," that were initially evident to me, but over time, the depths of her behaviors just presented so much more sinister, sadistic, callousness, chaotic, and with extreme splitting and amnesiac episodes, that nothing was adding up per say from what I read and heard, until now, via this video.
I went through the same thing... my bpd ex had more than just borderline.. at least 7 symptoms of npd, some hpd. It’s a mix... then she’d be psychotic.
It's called the Dark Trias. JazzyT.
Dark Triad.
Not to do semantics, but Dark Triad, mostly certainly, but technically "Dark Tetrad," to reflect, (very accurately in her case), the addition of sadism.
I have two alters.The traumatised child who ended up in the gutter because she was surrounded by predators for most of her life and now alter number two who now has to take over and protect the other.I don''t want to lose the first,that is me,the loving ,empathetic all giving child who had that used against her by the very people who should have protected her.She can now sit this one out because if she doesn't then she will have no choice but to bow out.Alter number two is in charge now but it is a huge struggle to keep the other out of it.Maybe the two can combine? That's a difficult one.
Add in a reptilian looking monster thing that I'm actually scared of (even my bad ass alter is scared shitless of it) and that's straight up my story... The monster doesn't try fight for my identity though... perhaps just a primal manifestation after something reeeeeally shit happened at age 2...
Who else would a 2 year old bubba girl need to rescue her If her 'god' like creators of life who's sole mission was supposed to be KEEPING HER SAFE, they not only failed, but infact WERE the abusers.... That girls gonna need a monster! Only a monster could protect her from her monster parents.
BOOOOM!
Wow.
Ummmm- thank you! One of the biggest realizations of my life just occurred.
Thank you.
Thank you.
THANK YOU!!!!
Bless.
Lemme know if I can return the favor..?! 🤣
😇🥰
If you grew up as a Scapegoat of two Narc's,you are an Heyoka Empath,the rarest type of Empaths. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
Thank-you! Finally someone says it! I've been struggling for years to overcome the emotional damage I sustained from being in a relationship with a woman with BPD. The current political climate is nothing short of patently allergic to the thought that Borderline women are, in essence, sociopaths by a different name.
This made me cry
I will be 28 in a few months I constantly keep meeting men that are just interested in me for sex, I've never really had a boyfriend to the point where maybe I become paranoid at the mere feeling of being considered as a sex object and therefore abandoned.
So I prefer to cut the cord myself, as a call for help to make them realize something, that I want them to focuse more on my personality, and of course the result is always the same, they confirm to me they only wanted sex which hurts me even more...I don't even know if I believe in love anymore to be honest. Maybe I just don't get men. Very often I have this weird impression that no man is capable of loving me, especially when dating. When I'm alone and not dating is when I feel the most at peace. Maybe I should take a break from men for a while. Thank you for your videos Sam Vatkin I learn a lot from them
Have you considered the possibility that you keep choosing men that are just interested in sex? Said my therapist. She was right. I chose differently, and the outcome was also different. Dated for 6 years, married for another 6. On medication that i am thankful for. Seek treatment asap. It can change your life path. I wish you the best, you can do it.
Men can trigger things inside of you,you can be at peace when you're alone and can be yourself.There can be decades until you finds someone that feels right.If you try to date a man before sex,you may not feel so used.Judy Rosenberg says Borderline's are the Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mother. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
Thank you, Sam, for bravely sharing your experiences and incredibly useful wisdom/research with the world. Huge fan and you are refreshing.
I tried to hang on but I’m gone now. Too much chaos. I have bpd and secondary psychopathy. I let my alter to take over because that’s the only way for me to survive in this world. It’s realistic and better. I don’t feel much anxiety now and people are horrible in general. The damage is done and I can see it in my eyes. That’s life though. Good luck to the rest of us. 👍
As a side note, Shakespeare Sister's song Stay is what I believe now to be a fantastic trip inside a BPD woman's psyche. Unfortunately I've been there, inside it, for the past year or so. Part of me still is.
P.S. Nevermind the video, but the song.
The psychopath alter makes so much sense. I recently got involved with a narcissist and began to experience a lot of symptoms I could not explain and somebody told me to check for BPD and it all made sense. But I can’t identify with the classic BPD, I don’t sleep around or self-harm or do anything foolish in fact I go out of my way to avoid people and relationships. I have isolated myself from friends and family for 2 years to ‘stabilise’ myself to try and get my life and future together, to the point I once asked in a psych forum once if I might be a schizoid. But somehow this narcissist found me and forced himself into my world, and all the splitting and push and pull happened that I could not understand, and towards the end I kept getting obsessive thoughts wanting to completely torture and destroy him. I even confided to him at one point when he managed to manipulate me out of my suspicions that “I have this urge to psychologically torture any guy who uses me”. I remember the same urge was there when I dated my only other ex-boyfriend, who also had mild narcissistic traits.
I don’t think he was aware he was a narcissist so instead I’ve told him and sent him one of your videos about treatment. I just hope this will be a better way forward for both of us.
narcs dont have abillity to being self awre , you shoud read about truma bound , in my epenin you are in it , isolated bpds are the victom of narcs usally
Dr Ramani says there's 4 types of Borderline. JazzyT.
This has answered a lot of questions for me my ex wife was sexually abused from 4 to 12 and then raped by her brother at 14
I have thought that she was a covert narcissist with borderline personality disorder and dissociative identity disorder being with her for 18 years through various stages she dissociative and walked out of the marriage .instead of chasing her i let her go she is beyond help
I have not seen her for 18 months or spoken for 17 months lawyers have contacted her and she refused to cooperate in any way to finalize the resolution of the marriage
I did a lot work on myself and 6 months ago meet a beautiful woman and I am learning to trust her because she is trust worthy my ex is now outraged and I am worried about her actions to come i have a trespass order on her but when she finally flips out that won't mean anything to her they are a bloody nightmare
Paul Townsend You don’t mention children. If you had kids with her, my sympathies for you and them. Yes, these people are beyond help and it is really a vision of hell. But I hope you do the internal work to find out why you got into this and why you stayed for 18 years. Don’t let it happen again.
My ex: Mother to my children displays and manifests all the traits of a borderline grandiose alter - narcissist. She cannot bare to be alone, triangulated me throughout our five years. She was abused as a child by her pedophile father, like that of her sister. Abandoned by their mother. Both sisters use men for personal desires and gain - regardless of the outcome. Abandonment issues are evident and histrionic. Both sisters mirror each others behaviour and lie compulsively; using sex as the lure to entitlement. They never settle in relationships; one has detachment issues; like agoraphobia, yet can make a living in the black by stripping. Never keeping a full time occupation. The other has love ‘apparently’ for her children and her animals. Claims she owes no one anything, relied upon the state for years - grandiose entitlement, never wrong or accountable. This video has explained much to me; having come here after 9 months educating myself reading books and forums (Quora) upon the subject matter. I believe her to have what I suspected: a personality disorder based upon her traumatic upbringing. You have another subscriber. Thank you.
He has many video's about Bpd and are married to one. JazzyT.
@@faddy24 Did what happen in the UK? Please could you be more specific with your question.
WOW This video is so eloquently revealing! Dissociative personality disorder with emphasis on dis-regulation! Spot on!
Does psychology take hormonal shifts into account? Especially in women. I know many women who are prone to acting out in some of the ways you described in response to dysfunctional relationships when they are experiencing PMT/PMDD. And friends of mine have been misdiagnosed with bi polar etc and then realised their depression is intrinsically linked to their menstrual cycle and managed it accordingly knowing the times of the month they are happy and stable and when they are more vulnerable etc
Louisa Sasa There are some studies linking testosterone, estrogen, cortisol, to PCOS and endometriosis. If the Matrinac can’t regulate her own emotions, then it’s diffficult for her daughters to regulate their cycles. I went on a three year journey to explore my own hormonal system. Turns out going no contact and getting distance from toxic women was all I needed to start regulating my cycle again. No more ovarian cysts, no more migraines, no more panic attacks.
Yes!! This seriously needs to be considered when making an accurate diagnosis.
I am just going through this now, I am so much worse before my period. I am suicidal and uncontrollably dysfunctional
So much fun dating . I have had enough of these women who don't know how , or cannot , to be a civilized decent human being
Yes. Hormones will do a lot to a woman and if she has a diagnosis like BPD it’s even more evident. Being self aware helps to prepare people for mood shifts.
I think borderlines always want to be best. When a narcissist appears. They like a challenge abs loose the emotion side slowly. First they are real then the competitive side of her comes up and she loses emotions and then without emotions and high level of intelligence with revenge combined etc turns into psychopathy due to hurt or trauma that narc caused. Then she recovers herself back if she doesn't act out on it. But I think narcs can turn nice person into bpd or psychos
Someone said that only a Borderline can destroy a Narcissist.Control and Narcisstic supply are the main things in a Narcissists life,you can't control a Borderline who changes all the time,it isn't possible to get the supply all the time either,bcs the Borderline doesn't love you deeply all the time.Dr Sam Vaknin called the relationship the Dance Macabre. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
This is the first video that has actually explained my mind and actions perfectly
Thank you so much for your videos! I've recently found out that I have BPD and it has answered so many questions I've had for many years about why I am the way I am. I've always felt that there are 2 of me living in this body. One is docile, caring, anxious and depressed and the other is just awful. I explained to the therapist when I had my assessment that when I go into a rage, it's like I'm watching it in a third person perspective and I'm screaming at myself to stop but the other me won't listen. That's just a small example of it. This video has explained it perfectly for me and has given me some clarity
He has many video's about Bpd. JazzyT.
Sam V., Why are you the only one with this insight? While Ive spent my time trying to slot my girlfriend into which of the ClusterBs she belongs,(she shows distinct characteristics of all 4), I never understood the dissociative aspects, nor the behavior, nor the choices she makes until now. Different unintelligible personalities would call me via phone and agressively try to accuse or threaten me in various ways. Most recently in a depleted narc supply episode, she picked up a carreer violent criminal, and was getaway driver while he robbed a convenient store. Shes from a rich family and wants for nothing. A new self-destructive vocation at 35, to sooth her Borderline self hatred. It's like watching a 4year old child on a runaway train headed towards a brick wall! But you have this behavior surrounded sir, I salute your profound genius, because no one else covers the subject like you!
No comments?*sniffs*
Thank you Sam Vaknin, for helping open my and others eyes and be more self aware. I really appreciate the work you do and share.
This all makes so much sense to me for explaining so many things I experienced with my ex. This is Brilliant.
Once you have been hurt by a psychopath you embody some of their behaviour..I found myself doing narcissistic things because it feel good.but because I have some level of empathy I don't feel like I am one..it's a strange feeling
Perfect explanation sir. Thankyou for giving it a name so I can identify it. This all has occurred in my three year relationship apart from the promiscuity to my knowledge. It has recently dramatically ended. Her attempts to contact me go cyclically from remorse to abuse within a 72hr timeframe. The same cycles I couldn't identify within the relationship.
It probably occurs this way in association with
her alcohol consumption.
Now I see that it was used to account for her behavior. To discuss her actions with her either
resulted in a mirroring of my words back at me or a justification. Her behavior even now, has me questioning whether I am the one to blame. Am I a narcissist, is there something wrong with me? For not identifying red flags, possibly. Still she is alone, and I worry about her.
Please write a simple book about explaining fundamental personality disorder for kids... Had I learned about BPD basics when I was a boy. I would have had fewer clashes with BPD adults / parents / teachers and maybe not have ended up married to one..
I did: samvak.tripod.com/faqpd.html
Do you find that you avoid individuals with extreme behaviours now as an adult? I know that i look for a sense of stability in the people I would like to have as friends.
A. G. Yes, calm + kind.
@@meelahmak yes that’s it. I a diagnosed bpd And kind n calm is what works
My daughter is a borderline. Her father is a psychopath. I am an empath. I have moved out of the home. She hits me started doing drugs. Drinks and makes pornographic videos. I am soooo happy this video explains exactly my daughters psychopathic evil side. And her crazy borderline side.
For some time I knew she was a psychopath and a borderline. She also has amnesia. Doesn’t remember things she has done. You are brilliant. I have divorced my husband. Took me 16 years to figure it out. Gaslighting constantly. I love you for all you do Sam ❤️
I'm divorced from a BPD and we coparent a son. She's in the high functioning category and once she painted me black embarked on a litany of acts of infidelity. She had multiple sexual encounters in inpatient psychiatric facilities. Even if on a particular day she wasn't cheating, she acted like she was. She convinced a mutual friend I was abusive and slept with him. He actually had enough character to confess to me with a heartfelt apology.
I'm not going to drone on this culminated in an exit affair, and eight years later she's still with the same guy which I cannot fathom.
I was crushed and angry and wanted some serious payback. I asked my father what he thought I should do. He advised me not to do anything that I would regret twenty or thirty years later.
Additionally he reinforced that it was incumbent on me to provide my son with an example of a decent human being and not to empower the ex to control my behavior.
It's been about eight years, and every once in a while I start to talk about one of her awful, horrendously cruel past behaviors and she immediately blurts out, "I don't want to talk about that!"
She definitely has amnesia particularly for cruel, sadistic past behavior. I suppose that's an exhibition of guilt or shame. When we walked out of divorce court, I said yay! It's finally official and something you've been wanting for a long time. She got Def con 1 angry which confused me.
The term secondary is psychopath is frightening I must say. I wonder if she's ever going to discard the recent boyfriend, she has a child with him that was conceived in the first weeks.
There's no way she simply put down her crazy, it baffles ne.
Wow. The bare knuckle truth. Thanks Sam.
I think this video explains what I have suspected. I watched it twice, thx for this information.
Finally! Nice work Sam. From very personal experience (mother and female partners) I have often thought this was the case.
Thank you for this highly informative video yet again. Love your work. Do you have any videos about solutions for Borderlines? What a 'healthy borderline' looks like and how they get to that state? What sort of therapies work best?
DBT
Bpd can be healed.He has many video's about Bpd,and a wife with the diagnosis. JazzyT.
OMG U DID IT DUDE your work is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Dr. Vaknin, my older sister has drained me for Decades. I alloed it bc I thought that I "needed her" or felt sorry for her. She survived being nearby (not there, bc fled the scene) when our Mother was murdered. That was 3 decades ago. She has managed to stay married for 35 years. Out of her 4 kids. The 3rd born left the house as a teenager, found another family w whom she now has a 3 year old child so my sister got her long wished for of being a grandmother. Her oldest daughter is 35, does chores around house, doesn't go anywhere except a job at a kids consignment store. Not exactly an exciting life! I have finally decided to almost completely block my sister. Communicating w her has born little fruit. She usually has us along w many others for Thanksgiving, since the food is good it may be worth it to go... But talking w her "level to level" is OVER. It was a Fantasy. YEP my family is messed up!
Thank you for such a clear and insightful video. This explains someone very close to me who has experienced significat trauma. This helps me understand 'them' more.
This was so informative & made so much sense. Thanks, Sam V. :)
Thank you. Matches what I'm seeing with my (alcoholic) wife. This is helpful in my response to some really nasty stuff. What I've long thought was just a mean drunk, I can now begin to understand goes even deeper. Still learning.
100% accurate. I'm a male with BPD and I see that at times I've tended toward grandiosity and at other times toward psychopathy. It's really distressing because I don't want to be this sick and Ron myself and others. There seems to be no solution.
I'm not religious, but I started reading the words of Jesus and other philosophers who taught about compassion and peace. I have Cluster B characteristics, and I truly believe I have become a healthier, more selfless person because of my studies. I am still learning to be a blessing to others, but I know that if you change what you truly value in life, it is like you get a reset.
Brilliant videos Sam. So informative. Ive studied BPD for a few years now and wish I had found your insights much sooner. I have been in a relationship with a Classic Borderline high performing for over 5 yrs. Yip its had its challenges and moments of brilliance. A very dysfunctional relationship at times as I didn't have insight to know what was going on with her mental health. Shes prone to splitting when stressed just as you describe. Scary!
Here's a question I wish someone could shed some light on - Given we have been together this long do you think she actually loves me like she makes out or is it her fear of abandonment that is "more likely" keeping her in the relationship?
Watch the videos on the borderline's shared fantasy.
WAOW! You are so intriguing Prof. Vaknin. I really appreciate all your AMAZING content. Thank you so much! Very very informative.
This information is so easily digested when you have lived it.
Impressive, you just described exactly one of my former best friends who was diagnosed with bpd. I also used to think back then that she had two personalities; it's disturbing.
It is not easy to make it in the world when you put your true self forward, people don't seem like other peoples messy feelings, perhaps because it reminds them of their own weakness?
Thank you. Your insight is so enlightening answering so many questions as to why I could not help my partner and explains her behavior. 🤯
So, my mother was ( I thought ) borderline. And a Narcissist. But, maybe not? Interesting. She did seem to be more masculine and did say that what a man can do she can do better! And holy crap! She had a case of transient amnesia during a stressful time and when I was trying to leave home as a young adult. She did not want to let me leave.
There can be an overlap in Cluster B. JazzyT.
Lol I missed your last introduction. Lil stressed Mr. Vaknin ? Lol your amazing and this has to be me. I dissociated from birth to 12 or 13 . Dad died when I was 7 followed by my brothers suicide the 5 years later my sister checked out .I have huge gaps of memory loss in my life I can't even make a time line of my life on paper. I still dissociate every day. I know what it is and I'm not going to mess with it . It's maybe an hour an I think of nothing but I'm aware of what's going on. Sam I've just started thing about my Narcissitic traits and they are pretty high I'm a people pleaser but finally after realizing I'm a fake I'm starting to get nervous. When I fist found out my very wealthy kinda famous dad and drunk mean mom were what happened in my tragic family history 6 kids im alone everyone's dead. I will never know what really happened I don't know how old my sister's and brothers were when they died there birthday none of it. I've been checked out my whole life I feel dead inaide like you said and now I'm an addict a meth addict even though I'm so ashamed well I was no Dr. Will ever understand why I can't stop. Stopping easy keeping off it for me it's the first time in 25 years I have felt somewhat alive with C.p.t.s.d. and ADHD. I get it but I know it's killing my body and I have to stop. I have a few times and the boredom and depression is to much and I don't care about who I am or getting better I've always felt like I had a child inside me and a bitch . Not really a bitch someone who comes out when I can't take any more and handles my no boundaries side. I love her but she goes away to fast . I know I don't have D I D I don't name them or dress different . I am Histrionic for sure . Way worse when I was younger . I need help please tell me if you know anyone or are taking patient's. I know your expensive but I will get the money . There are no trama therapists with my insurance and I'm tierd of them saying I'm bi polar. They have no clue . Thank you for the video that is as close as I've been so far.
www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html
I like the ring of secondary psychopath better than borderline. I’ll identify with this one from now on. Thanks Sam you’re the best!
@@Chris-0113 we are but its painful.
@@Chris-0113 only the judgment bc I'm studying to be a therapist, I mean, the only problems I have with BPD are towards my BF, and my outbursts are rare. I don't like being labelled, i'm me.
Dr Ramani says it's 4 types of Bpd. JazzyT.
I have always believed this from my limited experience. The parallel behavior is almost exactly the same. Throw in some histrionics and you have a true demon. Excellent video!
what a rude comment.
Demon? Na man, I'm a single mum of 2 boys who are wise beyond their years, considerate, sweet, out of control hilarious, they've both been looking after me while in unbearable wisdom teeth pain. my eldest (11) offered to walk to the shops to get me ibuprofen. And guess what?? I did that. DID IT ALL... ON MY OWN LIKE A BOSS BITCH!
Add that in with the fact I suffer from this borderline insanity- the reason I've been addicted to drugs my entire adult life, the reason i engaged in such promiscuity as a teenager. The reason that until I was 19, id cut, scratch and rub perfume on the top of my thighs to try "feel" something. The reason I've not had one healthy consistent relationship or friendship that's lasted more than a few years- is all because I was first sexually abused at the age of 2.
Yep. TWO YEARS OLD...
Then he moved away and nothing happened until I was 6.... Then 14
Then 16
Im not even going to include the times I've been abused as an 'adult'
Im 33 and only in the last year have i actually started to FEEL and THINK like an adult! I was not safe in my own home- especially not from my own parents as a child...
And you want to label me a demon?
A fart in your face Mamm! A BIG FAT FART in your face! I say good day and goodbye
They behave the same as jinns so I believe you are onto something (I’m sorry to anyone offended). A lot of supernatural things are hidden in our society. Of course it depends on the BPD, I think the “types” are really just different conditions in the first place.
I was broken by mit Family, psicologically, I believe I am a Bördeline, I never felt good, I Always Fight with my anxiety , and my fest to BE abandoned , I am a lone Wolf, I never Hurt people , I prefer hace no contact with them.......I am suicidal, and I am very afraid of living in this way, I would Like the Love but I think , I will never be prepared for that... I Always Fight with my inner demons.
Did you try to go to therapy ? This really helped me
He has many video's about Bpd and a Borderline wife.Dr Judy Rosenberg says Borderline's are daughters and a Scapegoat of a Narcissistic mother. JazzyT, Scapegoat of two Narc's.
What happens when a Narcissist plays at being a Psychiatrist deflecting on his victims.
samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily24.html
oh my gosh this rabbit hole keeps getting deeper. if only I had known all this...
I am a BL woman who's tried to understand how I seem to drift though the emotional and cognitive landscapes of all the BL clusters, like and ebb and flow. I have been diagnosed as Histrionic cluster C - grandiose narcissist. Very painful and confusing set of symptoms to have and take out on others without understanding what is happening to my cognitive processes, emotions, interactions, professional life, personal life because that diagnosis was BS.
Personality disorders are CPTSD that (has subgenres) if you will helped me realize that these blanket diagnostic labels could not be applied to what I experience.
BL in woman who couldn't build the full psychopathy, she becomes a secondary psychopath - self state - DID - dissociative episodes that seem to put me into a different cluster, a new set of disformed emotions and malformed platforms for how interactions with people who have to interact with me, try to love me go through and how protect others from me and grow enough that the best part of life ... having emotions isn't going to keep ripping me into more pieces and hurting the people in my life. Thank you for your work. These videos are helpful.
This helped me understand so much. I turned down my BPD close friend of many years for intimate relations and she ruined my life over it, i think i now see why. Everything just clicked into place after like 2 years of looking for answers. Many others helped but i think it finally clicked.
Now i just need to try and find out why so many ery close friends i've had have NPD.
I just want to say thank you Sam , i think you are great !!!
Never felt more called out
Very helpful and interesting video! I was diagnosed with cluster B/bpd/CPTSD by different professionals - I say that because my "selves" are all so different to the level that you described. The description and explanation of the bpd "alters" clears things up for me as I've long compared these facets of self to MPD/alters. The differences are quite dramatic and something I can tap into like a switch (which I am aware feels extremely abnormal and thus to me, on a rational level I am aware that it is disturbing to other people and also, at the end of the day, myself). Just glad to know that at my core however, I do care about people and I wouldn't be able to commit a harsh crime without remorse. An interesting note... I've been conscious of these different sides to myself for some time in my development (now in my late 20s) to the point of even naming those personalities different names. I wonder if - like that theory in which violent psychopaths are people who "feed" those impulsive thoughts - perhaps my disorder is in part, to me having "fed" these parts of myself and psyche. Not always able to be conscious and aware of one's own actions ofc, but anywho, food for thought
Love listening to you, thank-you.
My mind is BLOWN
I dont cheat but i get blamed for cheating because i will leave to avoid the conflict
‘Extremely startling conclusion’...
Haha I am not at all surprised to hear they’re secondary psychopaths. Will prob keep reacting throughout the vid. It’s exciting. It’s a new, and I believe more accurate, interpretation and labelling of these absolutely wild women.
Hahahaha and then the laundry list ensued. Oh man, that was glorious. You’re right, we are absolutely aware of their many many many many identifiable behaviours.
Ahhh yes! My witchy ladies were complete opposites regarding one becoming schizoid, and the other not even being able to grocery shop without bringing a source of supply. Love it.
I listened to the end while getting ready for work and was literally screaming out loud in delight. Closing remarks were absolutely brilliant, and explain exactly why... why they are all in the same ‘bag’ and the bag is trauma. Why sufferers all seem to fit different labels within the Cluster B category at different times depending on what they want.
And also, why some social media stars (attention whores) are starting to call themselves DID and make videos about DID. Watching those vids is reminiscent of the ageing histrionic who is switching to hypochondria now that she’s losing her sex appeal.
Hypochondria regarding mental health issues is so widespread now, as is ‘Narcissistic tendencies’ specifically because we’re glorifying arrested development to such an unhealthy degree in the West. It seems as though everyone is acting like they’re an abused child now! Alas, that is because these unfavourable traits are being inverted as virtuous for some damn reason...
Oh yeah, attention in lieu of sex appeal.
Reject the wrong person, and oh boy...
This sounds like a fit for Amber Heard in the current Depp V Heard trial. - also they seem to represent the perfect fit for a couple engaged in the danse macabre. Thank you um Dr Vaknin.
Brilliant totally true my mother is a narcissist and my cousin is a borderline totally accurate
This makes so much sense! So excited by this discussion and theory. How can things be formally changed?
It's possible to get healed from Bpd. JazzyT.
Thank you Sam for this video.
Wonderful insights clearly explained. Thanks so much, Sam.