Death of a toxic or abusive parent
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- Опубликовано: 26 май 2019
- I recently lost my mother, with whom I had a complicated relationship with. Maybe some of you can relate. Without going into the details of what my relationship was like, the grieving process has been difficult. There are always unsaid, unresolved things when a loved one passes.
Here are the emotions you can expect when your parent (toxic or not) passes away. It's important to be forgiving of yourself, of knowing that each person lives their lives in their own way - and you can only be responsible for you.
I hope this may give you some support in knowing you are not alone.
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Some parents are people who hate their own children...sad but truie...
I can agree.
My mother.
My mom
My dad hated me so much he evicted me.
well i am autistic and i will be a good mother
I felt relief. The evil he gave to me had ended. It is over.
My narcissistic Father died today; everything they say about the pain is true. I always thought there would be no tears, I was wrong.
It's rough. I'm sorry to hear about your father. You will heal and life does move forward - big hugs to you.
My father died in August of 2019. He was a narcissist. I didn’t know what that was until a month after he passed. I’d always thought that it was an adjective, like arrogant or elitist or egotistical. I’ve learned about the noun that defined so much of his cruel behavior. There’s so many things that I wanted to speak with him about, but his last 7 years were marked by prostate cancer that metastasized. He was also a never-treated bipolar. Part of me wishes he was still around; part of me is relieved.
All I can do is remain in the present, hopefully, and try to remember that he was a great father. It’s actually true. I always praised him for it, because he earned credit. There was physical abuse when I was young and plenty of psychological and emotional abuse over the years. I’ll never know just what aspects of his behavior were within his control. However, we’re ultimately all responsible for all of our behavior. I miss him tremendously and yet his absence is also freeing. If I think about it too much it causes inner turmoil. He’s no longer able to affect me. It’s now all on me. I just try to maintain the perspective that reminds me how many people have come before me and gone through this and far worse. Life goes on. Bittersweet... but it does.
My abusive father died today. I had done alot of inner work before that but it is still very hard and confusing. I feel relief on the one hand and pain on the other.
I'm very sorry you had to suffer that...
This is literally so true. I anticipated my dad dying most of my life. He was 53 years older than me. He died when I was 24 and I thought there would be no tears. I was very wrong too.
Now, my mother is dying--we're so close. We've always been sisters, mother and daughter, best friends, partners in crime, everything together. Always. Tonight, with tears in her eyes before I left the hospital, she said, "I love you the most in the world." And I believe her. She's my heart and soul....I'm so broken.
@@sarahlennox8963 I'm so sorry Sarah. I am already scared and upset thinking about ever having to deal with my father's death, who I am very close with. I hope you are ok.
My mother passed away recently. Not looking for pity but I just wanted to share my situation. Honestly, I've been mourning her as a concept my entire adult life because growing up, she was so emotionally absent that I felt like she was behind glass. I almost feel relief that she's completely inaccessible now, rather than her actively refusing to come to Christmas. All I can do is hug my 15 month son a little tighter and move forward.
Mourning for her as a concept, yes.
My hardest mental work started when my mom died years ago. Prayers for your journey-
My abusive mom died a month ago. She abused me my whole life, I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden Child. She abused me mentally and physically. Neglected me, triangulated, many years a silent treatment during my student life and afterwards. it is very sad. Wanted to have a real mother.Now i feel nothing, empty, relief they did not contact me, i read her obituary online,.
Your comment speaks to my experience. She’s stilll alive and I was also abused and scapegoated all my life. They are both 90 and I’m grieving now. It’s excruciating. I feel guilt and they reinforced it every day of my life, escalating the manipulation as they got older, telling my I want them to die and never loved them. That isn’t true.
I grieved but I finally feel free after my mom died. I'm able to make my own choices not fear that I need to make someone proud anymore. I finally can be my true self and got out of the toxic religion my parents were part of.
Same
My mother is dying now. She is toxic. I went to see her and told her repeatedly I love her. She never said it back. She has never told me she loves me. Thank you for posting this painful video.
I'm so sorry. The problem is that we generally won't get the closure we so badly need. But that's not on you. You are the child in the scenario - so do your best and succeed at being happy for yourself.
@@andstillshepersisted8566 thank you. I'm trying to live and be happy. Trying to not hold a grudge. I have moved on. She passed December 27.
Same with my mother
Same here. Passed april 2019. At least we told them and we will not have that on our conscious. I think their anger keeps them mentally alive
I thought about my fathers death today and it's so true, for me one of the worst things is also that I couldn't have a normal talk with him and only expressed my feelings to him when he was already gone.
Im glad I found this video. My mother is dying from cancer and she was very abusive both mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically. Today I was told how my little sister is so much more important to her and how I have always been such a failure. And it just kills me to know that even in the final stages of her life she is still abusing me
Humans are humans before someones father or mother... They will always function on the basis of knowledge and perspective they got from their life.. dont blame yourself for any of that that.. the shitty environment our parents were raised in, actually has nothing to do with us.. but it will always limit their perspectives.. forever. . .
This is what I'm going through right now! My father is lying, dying, but he still has energy to insult me, every day.
This is so hard to hear because I understand. You're not alone. It's hard to separate that your parent is mentally flawed and that you are not what she says you are. You know it, but hearing it can bring us to our knees. You will be ok, more than ok. Remove yourself if you have to. I had to.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. I had to step away from my Narc father. I told him we could have email contact. I was the oldest and his scapegoat and was told that I don’t deserve anything that I have, that I’m different than his other two. He passed last week and he’s at peace now. No more verbal abuse although I have to face the fact that he taught my siblings to see and treat me in a negative way. I pray that we can all overcome this.
She's doing that, because, her GAME, is almost OVER 👍👍👍. Hang in THERE ❤️
My narcissistic father died over a year ago. I am one of 9 children, all of whom he treated very differently. I hated him very much and we had been estranged for at least 3 years since the birth of my beautiful, amazing daughter. Frankly, I thought I would be cheering his death. Thankfully, my (somewhat) mature side prevailed - I attended his funeral & have visited his grave since. I do actually grieve and I have very strong bits of sadness every now & then. I don't feel like I'm grieving him, but I grieve what could have been.
Sorry for the long post - I am sorry for your loss AndStillShePersisted. You're pretty incredible for posting this video. Thank you, friend!
@timking I feel that *"the whole what could of been grief"* it's difficult to think that my father put his life ahead of mine and that his best interest is him and his *new family it hurts a lot I've lived with this shame for 27 something years now and always feel like i was replaced by both parents. Its a disrespectful feeling and betrayal feel like even more now that I'm alone, he's still alive but barley and all I got was the shit end of the deal from how he viewed his only son and the lack of loyalty, I meant nothing to him.
My mother died a week ago and although im in tears. I still remember the abuse and the residue of her antics. I have mixed emotions. Thank you so much for your video. This is truly helping me right now. No one understands your pain, unless they have gone through it.
My experience has been really different. I lost my toxic father a few months ago, and I'm just numb about it. I haven't even figured out how to experience emotion. Every time I start to feel something I hit this wall of terrifying memories and can't go any farther. It's the most frustrating thing.
Jane Mays When my mom was in her last days I contacted my former therapist with whom I had finally learned to work through the issue of non-acceptance. I told her I didn’t know how to feel. We scheduled and appointment for the following week. My mom actually passed that very same night. The appointment was exactly one week later. I told my therapist of my numbness and was assured that, given our circumstances it was perfectly reasonable to have/not have the emotions I questioned...I felt liberated! For the next 1/2 hour I could only think of the great things we shared when she was Open. I left with tears in my eyes. These tears cleared my heart and gave me clarity to see who my MOM really was.💕💕 It will get better, I promise.
In the exact same boat, wish I could release.
Too Many Narcissists Here You can release from this trust me, I feel the same boat too. I have found amazing evidence and hope for God although. Trust me there is a God that can heal your life and I hope things are better for you!
How was he toxic?
Same here. You are not alone
My Mother died two days ago. The family mostly blocked me. She was on life support for over two weeks. Three of my Aunts tried to reach me two nights ago. I have been estranged for 14 years. I have PTSD and my Mother was violently abusive toward me as a child. And when she couldn't abuse me physically anymore, she launched constant character assaults. I was able to be on instant messenger with my Aunt at the moment my mother died. The family did not tell me when my grandmother died, so I felt grateful. I'm mostly relieved. But sad for the mother I never got to have. The hardest part is I cannot think of one good memory. She just terrorized me. I wish I could think of one good memory. Just ONE.
Thank you for sharing your experience...
My mother passed yesterday 9/12/19
She’d been ill for some time and up until November 2018 I hadn’t seen her for 17yrs.
I had a terrible time as a child longing for her approval and UnConditional Love...it never came. Even when I moved out at 16 due to extremely low sometimes non existent self esteem and continued suicide attempts Nothing changed.
I was always looking for it. I just knew my Life would be amazing if I could get my mother to like me. To care about me. To share with me.
It never came.
However, along the way I was blessed many times with friends who gave me what I’d missed...Anyhow I feel numb
karen horton I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's not easy but you will find peace! Thank you for your heartfelt comment. Big hugs to you.
AndStillShePersisted Thank you and you as well
😥😥😥😥😥😥
It sounds very familiar, thank you for sharing , send you my love
Same. 2019 was the year.
You are blessed again because you recognise the goodness you have in your life. I am finding that so helpful but scary.
I wish my mother could see that my family like me so I can't be as much of a problem as she thought.
My narc father does see , he gaslights and ignores and hardly maintains eye contact. We chose them for a reason and we survived them for a reason.
It is for every kind thing you have done, despite them , and I imagine your journey is not over.
Take care. Reply if you want
It’s actually more complicated because you realize you’ve been played (if you continued trying for their approval until the end) so the grief can be for the parent they never were and also the kid you didn’t get to be. Yes they are very immature with their intentions. Sorry for your loss
I agree. Played :(
Nailed it
You are not obligated to excuse the behavior of your abusive parent under any circumstances, even their death.
One can forgive them though.
@@EmilyGloeggler7984 Its good to forgive, it provides peace of mind. It is also good to remember and understand why those behaviors were harmful so we do not repeat them.
my abusive mom died found out through my brother, i have not cried or mourned her loss because there was nothing to mourn she was an unloving mom, from the get-go, she was never interested in our lives me and my siblings there was no love or nurturing from her she was a cruel mom our childhood was unhappy i feel nothing there are no happy loving memories i need to get used to her no longer being on this earth and the fact i never got to write her that letter about how she made me feel i feel a little lost right now
Oh dear. This hurts my heart reading this. I’m sorry she did this to you and hurt you so much. 😢 no one deserves that.
My father died recently. He crippled me as a person with his abusive treatment when I was a kid which included sexual abuse and attempts on my life. I feel relief, liberation and sadness. I kind of feel like I have been waiting for him to die my whole life. Now he has, I'm 50 and the road ahead is uncertain, but at least it's my road. I will never forgive any of his abuse, I have learned to manage it on a day to day basis. I have kept the abuse a secret from the rest of my family and friends, as I don't want it to define me. I find myself resenting him for the sadness that I feel. More complication, and illogical pain to deal with, it makes me angry. I have used a lot of bad language regarding him recently.
I’m sorry to hear about you’re abuse . You have every right to feel the way you do about you’re abuser . I hope you work on you’re self and live for you’re self . Wish you good health and healing . Don’t be down on you’re self. You are a inspirational person to be able to get through such horrific experience from those who are supposed to protect you most . wish you strength and love !
@@suesue9578 thank you very much for the kind and loving words. Comments like that go a very long way indeed. I’m extremely grateful.
@@phrayzar honestly you’re truth takes carriage , you will never know how much other survivors you have inspired and helped .. keep you’re head up and love you’re self . do all u can to better you’re self you’re worth it . Much appreciated
We as human have so many sad and happy times. But deep down all comes to how we feel,,, you are extremely strong and brave to just hold on to urself and not give up, and as a human that life right there is completely yours.. no ones abuse and shitty perspective towards you has an actual meaning... until its ur perspective.. fuck all the world if it costs you your peace.. best wishes
@Mastnaer Ceef Yes I understand the reaction to yelling completely. That anger that has helped keep us alive is sometimes very disabling in everyday situations. The work place can be very difficult if a boss is being what you might think is unreasonable.
Jeniffer, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am part of a grief coaching class and this has been extremely helpful and insightful for understanding the grief process of the death of an abusive parent.
I truly appreciate you being vulnerable and open about your story. Thank you.
Thank you Chuck! I appreciate your comment so much.
My toxic abusive mother died yesterday alone. She was a terrible parent. I know she suffered some kind of mental illness but she never got therapy to find out so we will never know. I'm relieved that she's gone but so sad that she was lonely in her last moments of life.
You don’t have to 'forgive' them unless you feel it is healing. Things like trust are earned. You don’t need to fix them. You need to be the parent that you never had. You can do this without wishing them harm. Someone trying to villianize you into 'forgiving' is bullying and abusing you.
My mom passed away last month from MS, and i didn’t and still don’t know how to feel because our relationship was not good and watching this video is a step in the right direction
Thank you very much for making this video. It took great strength to be so vulnerable publicly.
My mother passed 5 days ago. In reality she died for me 69 years ago, when I was born. My 1st concious memory of her is fear and terror. She was religiously abusive. Years of daily abuse took its toll.
Over the years I yearned for an apology that never came. I even asked for one. She said that she did not owe me an apology for anything, and that I should learn to love myself. What ' myself'? That person that you tortured and didn't value? That self?
Reading these comments and watching this message has given me clarity on what I am going through. Grieving the loss of a mothers' true love is gut wrenching, just as it was then, just as it is now.
Sending kindness and compassion to all🌺
My mom passed away on June 1st this year, I'm feeling the deep of emotions...
I feel everything you explained, she also died alone and it was not expected.
Thank you for the video. It was refreshing to feel that I am not the only one going through this very complicated grief process. I found out my mum passed away three days ago. I hadn't seen her in 10 years because of the abusive relationship we had and how much she had hurt me. I felt physically scared to get in touch or to see her again. My mum also suffered very badly from mental health but never tried to get help. It just felt like I could never get through to her no matter how hard I tried as a teenager when I last saw her :( Unfortunately my mum became an alcoholic and alcohol was the cause of her death. It's devastating for me that she died in her flat alone and we never reconciled things. I didn't think grief would hit me so badly as I hadn't seen her in so long, but the fact that it is final, and left on bad terms, hurts. The death was also a huge shock. I hope you have come to terms with your grief better with time
That is tragic 😥. I hope you are doing better now , a year later. 💛🧡💙
This video really helped me.
Decades ago my Mother would throw me down cellar stairs and lock me in the basement. Sometimes I would crawl up the side of the oil heater to crawl out a small window. I would then sit on the porch in shock. Over the years she deprived me of sleep, screaming at me all night long, she would chase me around the house and twice tried to kill me.
But like most abusers she had her smart and charming moments. Very educated, from a wealthy and worldly family. Even with all her rage and histrionics, no one has ever given her a formal diagnosis.
I finally fled home 20 years ago and had an excellent decade away from home. I stupidly returned to my hometown to be near dying grandparent.
I honored their dying wish and started talking to my Mother again. I only saw her once after she was taken for psych eval when her parent/my grandparent died. I moved away several years ago but have kept talking to her over last decade.
Looking back, I see that everything in my life fell apart for the last decade of talking to her. She has been in assisted living after her greedy paid guardians took over her estate and raided all her money (a different story, but my inheritance was stolen legally)
Now she developed covid 19, which she somehow survived so far.
But she refuses to eat according to the nurses. I had one last? pleasant call with her ,even though she was a bit disoriented, and that was 2 weeks ago. I thought she was going to pass in a few days from covid 19, but now it's just been the shock of her being listed as asymptomatic/recovered but slowly fading from not eating.
Instead she was moved out of her nice assisted living apartment and forced to stay on covid 19 floor.
Since I am not in control of her health and a social worker is, I don't/can't be in charge of her being force fed. The social worker has no idea what she did to me growing up as I don't want to imagine her receiving ill treatment because of that info. Instead the social worker is very gruff and rude with me and probably thinks Im some jerk who abandoned her Mother. Which makes all this harder.
My Mother is stable, survived covid19 but now is refusing to eat and her weight has dropped 20 pounds according to the nurse.
She can not receive any visitors for a long while to come (in a state with some of the worst cases) and I'm told will remain on the covid only floor for remainder of the year even though she's now asymptomatic.
I also live far away and am still in stage one of lockdown lifting. I have no interest in exposing myself to all the narcissistic covlidiots either.
So my brain keeps fluttering back and forth between the horror that she's just lying in bed starving, moaning, and the nurses and doctors are so use to people dying on their covid floor that they seem very cold about it all. She is only 70.
I am trying to figure out how to deal with this and know that I did my best.
Also I'm now faced with the fact that because of covid 19 and the social worker being in charge that I don't have to wonder about planning a funeral and/or eventually dealing with burial/cremation issues. Which I see is a blessing.
It's all out of my hands completely, but I still feel disturbed and upset to know she is lying there wondering when I will call (they won't hand the phone to any covid patients) and slowly fading from lack of food.
I also am panicked that time is running out and she may simply relapse as many covid 19 patients seem to and die from a heart attack.
Looking for best ways to comfort myself.
I get you on some of this video, my mom died just a couple of months ago. We were never very close, she was an alcoholic. I was the one in the family that could never do anything right and the one they always talked about. My parents divorced a long time ago so my mom clung onto my brothers, it was a very toxic relationship. When I found out that my mom died I didnt know how to feel. Months later I still dont. I hope that doesnt sound cruel its just that we never really had a relationship. I didnt attend her funeral I just couldnt go and be apart of the “happy family” it was a show. I couldnt go and pretend infront of people. I couldnt stand infront of pictures that were all lies. I hate pictures that are fake were everybody is fake smiling but underneath everbody is crying.
I understand completely, My father and sister are both toxic. When my mom died they spent the whole funeral putting on big smiles like everyone was there to see them . When he dies it is doubtful that I will go to the funeral for the same reasons you stated.
My abusive father passed away 5 days ago. I’m just not feeling the grief yet. I feel fine. I’m relieved, actually.
And that's ok. :)
Me too
It’s now been five months. I’m still feeling relieved. A little bit of grief, but not hysterical.
Daniii Akasha that’s how I felt
@@daniiiakasha4711 He can't hurt you anymore, he can't call you and guilt-trip you.
Mine died yesterday and this feels horrific.
Thank you for this video. It means a lot
How does it feel?
I'm so sorry about your circumstances! I can relate to you. My mother is still alive at 85 years old. She left our family, my dad, 6 kids, three of whom were still school age. We came home to a note that essentially said she couldn't stay there anymore, and she hoped we would forgive her someday! She is chronically depressed and toxic to us, so my solution has been to keep contact minimal. She blames us and feels and believes that as the mother, she should be given all the grace and understanding for our current "strained" relationship. I disagree. So, that is where we are. I value my peace and tranquility and will not allow her to disrupt my life and my loved ones with her toxicity.
Thank You for this Video. I just lost my mother this morning & she was very abusive all my life & she had no mental health issues. Even to this year she rejected me telling me she had no daughter & I forgave her but still wanted & waited for years for a reconciliation & closure. I needed to hear I love you. Now there’s no chance of that ever happening. I’m confused & numb.
You are worth all the love! My mom died this morning and I’m waiting for the relief to come
My narcissistic mother has just never stopped abusing me. Physically as a child and manipulated me. As an adult constantly harrassing me and infringing on my personal life. Her constants calls and demands, lack of empathy and constant negativity and complaining about everything just makes me wish every day she would die. I'm a nervous wreck and crippled by anxiety.
Thank you for this video. My dad died two weeks ago unexpectedly at 59. It hit home so much when you said we were close and then not close at times depending on how he was doing. He was an alcoholic and narcissistic and our relationship was so complicated. He retired four years ago and he would call me like five times a day and a lot of the time I wouldn’t pick up because I was protecting myself. I feel a lot of guilt about that. It’s such a complicated thing! I loved him so much and I never gave up on him. And our last conversation ended with I love you but I’m still sick over it. Thank you this video helped me a lot.
I''m so sorry to hear about your dad. No matter what the relationship, it's so very hard. I am sure your dad would not want you to feel any guilt! Hugs.
That sounds horrible. And I hope for the best for you. I can relate along with most of us in these comment sections. Watching someone who has such a controlling mind set , losing that control- can be hard for empathy who tried to survive peacefully around them, the parent thing the worst.
As my mom and dad got older - my mom became less covert and way more overtly abusive with me, as I started to question their intentions and abusive behaviours more and more
My father was a mixed kind of narcissist , I feel like he had started pandering to me in some ways in these last few years of my life as he has gotten much older , it’s weird - he’s claimed to be Christian or something a few years ago when religion - it was like a subject in the house that we just didn’t discuss,
We rarely have a conversation even over the phone that isn’t very cringeworthy on at least one side
He has started referring to me with words like “buddy” , I’ve gotten some “i love you’s” at the end of the phone calls and stuff - when we rarely speak I think it’s a lot easier. But always within the last bit of nearing the end of the conversation it’s like the unspoken thing where it may be about to get really awkward when he says I love you bye and pretty much hangs up as quick as possible , lol
I’d much rather be on an aloha system , but 🤷🏻♂️
The discomfort is too just too irreparable to be around after years with some of these people especially parents, and their gender roles- influencing potential relationships with anybody else in your life as you mature
It will be difficult enough for me to trust anybody fully at this general time in my life, let alone form relationships with any other men,
Both my parents have been very abusive - and constantly as I felt more and more uncomfortable and stuff throughout my life would always try to point out everything that I was doing wrong, not having a job, smoking, drinking , stuff like that - anything that they and the people they associated with considered high functioning or worthy
But I understand how it can be difficult to handle if the last words you hear are “I love you”
Thank you for this video. My wife and I both have toxic, unhealthy parents. Our fathers died when we were fairly young, hers of cancer when she was 6, mine of diabetes when I was 20. We've been pretty solidly out of contact for the most part for many years. We learned a week ago that her mother had passed a couple weeks before that, of cancer. She was in her early 80s. I expect my mother, barely in her 70s, to die from stubborn self-destructive behaviors. We both tried to help our toxic parents be healthy and they both refused, unable/unwilling to grow. I have grieved my toxic family before, around 5 years ago, and this has made that all fresh again. It reminds me that the day will come that I find out my mother is dead. I guess I know now that when that day comes I'll have to deal with these feelings, especially the guilt about not being able to save them, all over again.
The amount of similarities between you and I right now feel unreal. My mother passed away, alone, a week ago tonight… she had chronic illnesses that included MS, and a ton of stuff with her heart and lungs. I tried so hard to help her more and even living with her, the help she allowed was limited… the verbal abuse never really stopped, but I am forever grateful that our last conversation wasn’t toxic… I found her that night… my baby sister had a different relationship with her, and my children were her forever little loves.
Thank you for sharing this with the world… my heart is breaking and I feel so selfish for grieving her knowing the nasty things said to me and that I said in reply when I was younger.. my uncle gave me some good advice: process the fact that my abuser is gone and the abuse can’t happen anymore, and then allow myself to grieve her as a child once I’ve done so.
I miss her… I miss the good talks, and the hugs. I miss hearing my kids laughing while they played with her… but I’m also processing the fact that I’m free… feted 27 years, I don’t have to try and do the impossible- be what she wants me to be… but god do I miss her… the house is so quiet 😞
My narcissistic mother died unexpectedly during a period of no contact and the guilt I feel is killing me to this day. Even tho I’m still angry with things she did and how she treated me I feel that I failed as a human being now. I’m just so so sorry. I know how you feel.
How did you fail as a human being? You were taking care of yourself ...
@@synthonaplinth5980 I just wish I had been strong enough to transcend my person hurt and be more compassionate
@whimsy -
''My narcissistic mother died unexpectedly during a period of no contact and the guilt I feel is killing me to this day. Even tho I’m still angry with things she did and how she treated me.....''
Stop there.
Her control was suffocating and 100% undermining and my father's used me as his audience or ignored me.
I went no contact instead of killing myself. At the last moment I did not.
The responsibility of not giving my kids anymore love was unbearable, since that love was/is bigger than a mountain. I chose them over her.
I tried to deal with the CPTSD using all the online help that felt right. She died almost 2 years ago.
I cry today, as the left over items my father allowed me to have, show the life she lived with him, her sadness and devastating lack of esteem.
She became mentally ill but I did not know it. I also didn't realise how much of a real narcissist he always was as he now shows his true colours.
She never loved me but after my children arrived, we had some closeness again. I was depressed - CPTSD - and she would come to play with them.
My point is, you ARE human. As was she. If you gained healthy autonomy and clarity after no contact , you made the right decision. You will have been a better light in this world.
My narc relatives serve very little purpose at these times. They did not go no contact, they are trauma bonded - all sick.
They behave just like their own parents who they dislike/hate and are waiting for them to die to inherit. Not a great way to live.
But they are all terrified of death, even though they spout religiosity constantly, and use sickness to manipulate. You know how it goes.
Please reply if you would like to. Take care.
I didn't think being a grown up would be this crippling some times but it passes..each time.
I never told anyone how my mother was mentally ill. She never treated it. Then, she came down with early onset Alzheimer's. Since her death in 2013, I ignored telling anyone about the verbal or emotional abuse.
Her dying alone was the consequence of her choices in life. Don't beat yourself up about it. Mine was the same too.
I searched "death of toxic parent". I could sympathize but my problem is that I feel guilty for not having shed one tear. I'm glad she's gone. I've been in mourning for decades over covert rejection, manipulation, lies, theft, displays of classic narcissism and just overall meaness.
She decided to completely shut me out for about the last 4 months so that I only found out about her death through her friend.
I do realize I've been dealing with mental illness but I was gaslighted for so long to think I was the one with all the problems. Now, I'm left with no emotions of grieving. That's passed. Yet I want to grieve her death. I want to miss her. I'm sure one day I will. Just hope it doesn't all hit me in the middle of a holiday dinner or some big family gathering. Then find myself among those she turned against me saying, "See? She was right all along!"😮💨
Wow, therapy, here I come.
Don't worry, my mean abusive narcisstic mother died a week ago I have not shed one tear.
Thanks. I needed this today. I haven't spoken to my dad in 13 years and he was found dead yesterday 6 states away. They found him 2.5 weeks after he passed because he had no one left in his life.
Sad
I cried this whole entire video, my family thinks I am crazy or drunk for spontaneously crying every time i think about my mother. I am just hurting and I loved hearing you talk me through this. I really needed to hear this
My mom died recently and I’m trying to process very mixed feelings and emotions so I am very grateful for your video. She wouldn’t speak to me for almost 20 years. She just left her kids and grandchildren. She never met my daughter who is born in her birthday. She was so violent and emotionally abusive when we were kids. My father gave her everything and nothing was enough. I wanted to hate her but I couldn’t because I saw glimpses of a wonderful woman at times but it never lasted. I always told her siblings whom I always remained close with, that I am the best version of my mother, their sister - to my children that my mother just couldn’t be.
I wish things were different. It’s a void that will never be filled. Both of my brothers died suddenly within the past year and a half-passing within 5 months of each other. I really feel they had struggles because of the violence they witnessed from our mother. I knew when she heard of her sons recently passing she wouldn’t last. No mother could endure that. The entire situation is a tragedy.
Thank you for your video. You helped me more than all of the grief counseling sessions I’ve been in. Only when you’ve gone through it can you relate.
2 years passed, 2021. Hope you healed. My abusive mother is in poor condition, 86yo. During your video, what helped me the most, was visualizing her, telling me I was a good, son and forgiven. So I could forgive her. Weird, bit like balm. Thnks
i relate so much to waiting for a sign, bless you, thank you for sharing, it's such deep sadness i feel it too, you are so kind and I wish you a peaceful life x
I know this was recorded 2 yrs ago and I really hope you are in a much better place now. My abusive then ansent father is dying at the moment, in hospital. Out of 4 brothers, I am the only female and he hates me. I'm dealing with this on my own for reasons I can't share here, but he resents everyday I'm there with him. I want to thank you for sharing your story with us, it is helping me get through each day, one at a time. His demise is imminent, I know it's possible I might not get there in time, I'm conscious of unexpressed emotions, so am just letting go now. Thank you again.
@redshoes531 thank you so so much. I'm sorry about what you're going through. We want so much to have the love of the parent that impacted our lives the most, I think.
Look at what a great person you are, being there or even just mourning what is happening... You are a great daughter 100%. He may never accept it, or appreciate it, but you are. It is sad that many parents can be so ugly inside.
I wish you so much peace right now!
@@jennifertownsend5941 ❤️ thank you. X
This is actually exactly what I'm dealing with atm, and I so appreciate your video!! My mom.had MS as well and spent her last two years locked up in a nursing home during this covid pandemic. I couldn't have a conversation with her before she died. When they finally let me in to see her, she was on a ventilator and unconscious. And the estrangement and the trauma and abuse doesn't negate how tremendously awful it has been to know she was laying there unable to help herself up until she died. Whew. It's a lot . My heart goes out to you, and all of you here who are dealing with the loss of your parents. Especially if you don't have anyone who understands your need to grieve them. You deserve all the time, love, and care you need to get through it, and you should remember it isn't your fault. And in the spirit world they can't feel any pain anymore so we don't have to feel it for them. But still ... gah ! This is hard. 💔💔💔💔💔
Bless you, hope you are doing well now, I definitely understand your need to grieve and I hope you have come through and are living peacefully , thank you for sharing x
@@dionzoe6716 Thanks for replying. I am doing a lot better now, thank you. It's mich more peaceful now for sure. Bless you as well and I hope the same for you!! 💗💗💗
Thank you Jeniffer for sharing your very personal grief story with us all. You have brought healing to others even in your deepest pain. Its encouraging to know that we are not alone in this suffering and sadness. I hope you are doing well these many years later.
My Dad died a year and a half ago, and I've been really confused by my feelings and all of it. I did go to counselling for a couple months, that helped a bit. I said at his memorial that he carries on through me, but now I'm afraid of becoming him! How could he love me and treat me so badly? Revenge at death was his plan of attack. He told my nephew that I hated him. And what does that say about me that I love such a person? Counselor said not to beat myself up, that we are the result of our experiences, the fact that I love an abusive man doesn't make me sick. She acknowledged my grief. I want the hurt to go away, but I don't want to be unfeeling. My Dad died alone too. He lived alone, rejected by three significant others in his life. It makes me very sad that he died alone. I would have been there to hold his hand, let him know I forgive him.
My dad was toxic but became the father I needed in the next 9 months of his life. I love my dad, despite the hard times because he had two sides to him and when he was good, he was good and when he was bad, he was bad.
It just hurts that he's gone.
He sounds like he was bipolar rather than a narc.
I want to say thank you for doing this video, as right now I am dealing with my abusive narcissistic father dying after having suffered a stroke. And this has been so much harder on me, then when I lost all of my grand parents. As well as my mom’s twin brother. As this has been a roller coaster of emotions for me, as a retired nurse who took care of long term terminally ill patients. But I feel like I am going crazy, dealing with my abusive father dying. So thank you.
My mom died 6 days ago and in my search for answers or comfort I found your video. Then I sent it to my sister. Your story is so close to ours. The way you describe not only your relationship but also how your mom behaved, and how she struggled with mental illness and the physical illness that she suffered from is almost word for word the same as mine. I'm full of regret and am seeking forgiveness. I'm filled with anger about our situation. I miss her desperately even though for a while I had put up boundaries and hardened my heart to her emotional ups and downs, her lack of respect for herself and for me, and the history we had. We had no unfinished business, but i feel so guilty for taking space. This has been terrible, but this video I'm going to go back to over and over. Thank you.
My mom died last week 7/19/23. Thankfully after we buried my only brother (11/27/22), I did everything I could think of to lift her Spirit up and used the mail instead of attempting to talk on the phone. She was an unrecovered grown wounded child herself. I had developed a deep understanding and compassion for her pain. I sent her a blanket that told her how much I loved her. She left me a lovely voice mail and loved it! She was wrapped in that blanket the night before she died 14:57
Thank you for sharing your struggle. My extremely toxic mom passed away 2 weeks ago. The biggest thing I’m feeling is confusion.
She died of an aneurysm. I’ve felt shock. I’ve felt relief. I’ve felt a small amount of grief. But now it’s an emotionless fog. So strange. It’s overwhelming and hard to function.
Thank you for sharing your pain and process in such a vulnerable and authentic way. I felt like I was sitting with a friend and listening to the talk about their loss. I hope that you’re healing and working through it.
It’s been 5.5 years since my mother passed. Obviously, I’m still processing it and found your video!
I think I will just be happy. Silently, no need to overdo, I also would grief what we didn't have, but I had endured enough for not accepting my negative emotions towards them.
I am sorry about your loss.
Thank you for making this video and sharing your experience. I may be facing this myself soon and it's so much more conflicting than I thought. All I can do is be resilient and remember why I've made the decisions regarding family that I've had to make.
I had a narcissist father. He had no interest in us children. My mother was always wonderful. So I had 10 good years of childhood at least but it was because my father had nothing to do with us, and up to age 10 I thought we had a normal, good family. But after that I started growing up. I realized when I was grown that everything I knew about my father was told to me by my mother. I knew nothing first-hand from him. That is how distant he was. I always thought whenever he died it wouldn't make any difference to me. Why would you grieve for someone you never knew? But I was surprised that I did actually feel a loss, and it was because my non-relationship with my father was over. There was no chance it would ever be anything better than it was.
Thank you for your courage and sharing your experience... it’s helpful and real ... you’re a beautiful soul
A person dying alone is the most horrible thing. It will be hell for the soul before it leaves the body to realise that no one is around. And for the living, to not know their time of death, not knowing their last minute thoughts. These things eat you alive.
For everyone out there. Eventhough you hate your parents to your cells. Dont let them die alone, no one should suffer that pain. No one. When your abusive parent reaches out to you, try to do the best you can.
Many abusive parents do have love for their kids but they will not know how to show it. When they reach out, take care of them. Because you are their final hope. If you dont, you will never be able to forgive yourself.
My heart goes out to you. Same here with my mum. She died this afternoon
Thanks for sharing. Some of what you said about being really close at times then other times not is the perfect example of the relationship with my Mom. Without going into all the stories I will say she was an alcoholic that didn’t protect me and ignored me a lot. She was close to my son but practically hated my daughter. She was my child from age 16 I was raising my own Mom. My Grandmother was my Mom figure and when she died I was inconsolable. My Mom would be generous then turn around and be greedy. For instance I let her live in the house my Grandparents bought for me. She somehow got it out of my husband and my names to hers. Then she would give me money but not the kind of money to buy the house she stole. She would Invite me for a visit several days in a row then bam start a huge fight over nothing. My husband would tell me, “Your Mother is no good for you honey, she always has you crying. She toys with you til she’s ready to hurt you” She would start talking about my Dad she divorced that I look very much like, but soon as I would say something about him (same conversation) she would make sure I left in an upset mood. Well I did right by her. For 27 days I held her hand, quoted scripture, sang, rubbed her back, hugged and cradled her. I watched as she took her final breath. I felt numb. No shock. I went to the cemetery for 5 days in a row waiting to feel something dramatic. Then her will. Ah yes the final gotcha. My entire life she told me she had a safety deposit box. She introduced me to the banker to take the key to and what to do. Well my previous stepdad left me a house and that Will was already probated before she remarried. 5 marriages in total. Anyway 8 months before she died she showed me where the key was once again. The husband she married was worse than her. He stole the key emptied her box and said EVERYTHING IS MINE NOW. Mom was not dead when he said that. In the last 47 minutes of her life that husband set up a new laptop he’d bought that morning and it was speaking out verbal commands “Welcome to your new computer let’s begin”😳 Mom hadn’t breathed her last breath and he jumps on the phone to announce his wife has died. He missed her dying. Then he preceded to POST ON FACEBOOK MOM HAD DIED LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY AND TALKING ABOUT LIKES 🤦🏼♀️ Then he says I see your daughter looking at it now 😳. SHIT my family hadn’t been notified they were finding out online seconds afterwards. So I call my daughter calm her, son check on him then call hubby. Then talk to her brother. I was so frustrated spending that time with her husband but I wouldn’t change being there. Fast forward two weeks now. Her will has no mention of me or my daughter. It gave everything to my stepdad including the house previously given to me by my other stepdad. He is so crazy he expected me to pay for her funeral and he took all my families heirlooms and I’m her only child! My Grandmothers wedding bands, grandparents brass bed, great great grandfather’s handmade furniture (250 years in my family), great grandmas hand stitched quilt, Grandma’s hand stitched quilts, family genealogy books my Grandmother had printed and bound, and the real kicker her husband has no children no friends and he’s 77 years old. But he’s the God bless ya let’s read the Bible together guy. I called him a demon. Because he has no love. Mom’s love was conditional if I didn’t disagree with her views and had no opinions ever. BTW when she changed her will 2 years ago my husband of 26 years took me on a once in a lifetime 14 State vacation. She was jealous. Every boyfriend I had she would tell me they wanted her she even tried that with the hubby but I knew better because he couldn’t stand her. I think she was even jealous that I have one healthy relationship vs 5 breakups. I didn’t realize these things until she passed. But there is one bright spot in my story. They forgot to take me off her life insurance policy as the beneficiary so I’m getting lots of God Bless yous from her husband. And nope he’s not getting a penny. It’s been 14 days and he cruelly has kept my family’s belongings. I’m so done. Maybe I’ll grieve maybe I won’t. I have asked myself if she ever loved me because her actions didn’t show it. My Grandmother push’s my Mom away from her when she was dying but Mom was messed up before that. Thanks for listening and hope this helps someone know that maybe it’s normal to not really feel much. I love her but I’m existing without her fine.
My Dad passed away about 6 months ago now, and he also had bipolar. Your statement of believing the illness is gone, and they are finally at peace is something I've hoped/prayed for, but hearing someone else say it helps me believe it more. His last 5 years have been so hard, and while I miss him every day, I know he's no longer fighting the illness and can be in peace. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, hearing your story helps me continue to work through this process. Sending prayers your way too.
Thank you for making this film. My own experience is so similar to what you talk about. You’ve really helped me to understand the crazy I’m feeling right now. My mum is nearing her end and I feel I’ve started this grieving already. Definitely overwhelmed.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. Everything you said here is on point. Sending healing your way.
I honestly don't know how I would take it if both of my abusive parents die. The physical and emotional scars won't leave. Part of me would feel retribution and freedom along with closure, but another side would be resentment and wishing for what could have been if they actually seeked help and apologized. The bad memories outweigh the good.
TYSM andstillshepersisted I needed to sit through this video.
I didn’t cry when my father died. I felt numb. Numb about it all because it was so sudden. Its been years and I still feel that way.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I can relate to your words. My situation is/was similar. You did everything right. It’s not your fault.
My father died a week ago and was a lifelong alcoholic. He was in equal measure wonderful and terrifying as a father. He was often abusive to my mother. I went no-contact with him about ten years ago and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I feel so guilty because I knew that he was spiraling downwards, but I couldn't take on his burden. His siblings and my mother, when she was married to him, tried for years to help him seek addiction counselling, but he never could do it. He was very religious and took great comfort in his faith, but no amount of prayer could resolve chronic physiological addiction, or the complex emotional trauma he experienced in life. There was a light within him that could shine so brightly, and he had so much to give to the world. In the end he died alone, in very poor living conditions. I feel consumed by guilt and sadness because of this. Every time I have to talk to someone new about his death, and I retell the story, I become exhausted. Even more so when I have to explain things like "no, I don't want some elaborate funeral tribute to my father, I want a very simple but respectful cremation." I have to gently lead the other person to this rather than say "look buddy, we weren't close, things were hard, please don't re-traumatize me by going on about 'love' and 'memories'."
Thank you so much for making this video. Everything you said is exactly how I feel but could not express, especially the idea that grieving is a part of loving someone very deeply. I guess the video is a bit old now so I hope you're doing better xx
I am tearing up reading this. Like your dad, my mom was so amazing in so many ways. It was like two personalities. I'm sorry you are going through it, but you will be better. Promise.
This touched my heart so much I lost my dad November 12, 2023. He struggled with mental health and was an alcoholic since I can remember He was abusive towards me that started young. He always said I reminded him of my mom. I had to say boundaries finally as an adult. He also was a good father in different ways. . I miss him for the glimpses of the dad I got , the dad I’ll never have, and the dad that told me loved me and misses me daily while he was in hospice the last 5 weeks. My family treats me like why am I said when we had such a hard relationship? He’s my dad. Thank you for this post. It was perfect. God bless you, my condolences.
this was really good. i have a long way to go. thank you for being brave and i hope you are doing better.
I am going to add what happened to me here. It is cathartic to confess. My semi-estranged father passed away yesterday. Semi - because he did take actions that made my life miserable, especially in my college years. But I do believe he was capable of love, cause he did a lot to take care of my mother who has suffered from chronic anxiety all her life. It’s not that he never tried to help me out … it is that these offers of assistance would eventually turn into a form of control & supervision.
I chose to go independent & physically distant 10 years ago. Of late, post COVID, I tried to establish a loving understanding between him & me.
I often succeeded. Often failed. I ensured he got good treatment, I took him on an international trip. But now that he is gone….. I feel like I should have done a lot more.
My dad passed last Tuesday and the pain is unbearable at times, I truly loved him. My therapist told me that I can hold the bad and the good and one doesn’t have to cancel the other out because both exist in my reality. He was very broken but I am still absolutely torn up over his passing. And a lot of layers exist because of our complex relationship and the trauma. It’s like I’m grieving everything all over in a way especially knowing it’s so final and no sort of resolution will occur, even if I didn’t expect it to.
I can't say I 100% can get behind all is forgiven upon the death of an abusive parent. My mother abused me in every way, even sexually. And although I will acknowledge that she clearly has some sort of mental illness, she is unrepentant and untreated. Years and years of foul interactions pushed me away to no contact and I can honestly say that I will feel a sense of relief when she passes. I know that to many that sounds extreme but she was the source of many difficult and painful experiences, Her love was always so conditional and she saw her children as an extension of her that she could manipulate and control. Her physical abuse was striking and at times very sadistic. I think that there is a hard line in the sand when it comes to mothers in our society, they often are given the benefit of the doubt and forgiven for many transgressions whether or not they ask for forgiveness. I'm sorry for your loss and everyone grieves differently but for me, a lifetime of PTSD And very painful memories are reminder enough for me that this person was simply someone who gave birth to me and was not really ever going to fulfill the role of a parent who loves unconditionally.
I lost my mum too recently, and I’ve related to everything you said, thank you for sharing your wisdom x
My mom's situation was very similar to how you describe your mom. Thank you for this video, I am learning to grieve now and this really helps.
My dad died August 18th 2022. I had to cut ties with him for my own mental health and he died believing that I disowned him. My abusive sister and my dad made an agreement that I will not find out when he died or was I allowed to go to his funeral I would be unwelcome I honored that wish. I work with my dad for 25 years in a restaurant we kind of became best friends but me being gay for a while he didn't like that. When he brought my sister in the restaurant who was dealing with her anger management it only made the restaurant a lot more violiner mentally physically unsafe. He protected her not me from her rages and there were times I fear for my life. Most of my physical safety. When the restaurant was being closed or bought over by her girlfriends who were then working there they kept taking calling out. I became visually impaired working there through a hereditary Gene and me reading tickets with low vision was nearly impossible but the rage and violentness of my sister was killing me inside. I confronted the mother and the door that were buying the restaurant to just come in when they're supposed to so I don't have to read the tickets and deal with my sister's rage. They agreed later gave me a salad and for me to find out later on that they were coins in there meant for me to break my teeth into choke possibly to death. My dad was well aware of it for security footage he destroyed he blamed me for not confronting them when I was in total fear of my own safety he later went to their wedding and celebrated with them. I went like contact with him early this spring but around the 4th of July I told him that if he continues to honor and protect those perpetrators and don't call me your son. He Cursed me out. There was no way I could go on knowing that he honors those perpetrators who intended to hurt his son. At the end he got what he wanted those women who put the coins in my salad with the intent to hurt me we're at his funeral where his son was not. My father's father left him when he was 14 came back and then later left him again in adult life. My dad's father abandoned him and then left him in his adult ears and I winded up doing the same to my father to protect myself. I've dealt with the sadness after the anger but also had to just hold on to the little things like the times he would take me to New York to buy a Walt Disney movie or the times we would drive around in his car and he would just tell me how difficult my sister was on him but towards the end my sister became his Golden child and. I found myself craving the parent that he never was and accepted. . There was a time he told me so what those girls tried to hurt you I got my own problems. That validated him not caring for me. But in the end he's dead and he died believing I disown him and all I wanted for him to say okay that sucks that they tried to hurt you and I'm sorry instead of protecting the perpetrators. Robert in Philadelphia
Thank you for making this.
Thank you.
Not an abusive parent, but an abusive ex. Hurts so much. I feel like I failed to protect him.
My mother passed away some time ago. I felt grief at first, then later I felt relief in a way. Its like not having to be pecked at anymore from even simple things like how my hair looked though she made excuses and ignored terrible, even criminal things my golden child brother. He basically ignored her, ztole from. Her, and she complained to me,WANTING ME TO FEEL SORRY FOR A PROBLEM SHE CREated.
I tried and did everything I could when I was a child, I owe her nothing more than that. She chose her path, and that path does not include me continuing to care for her as she destroys herself
And no, I do not have to forgive her
My schizophrenic mom just died and the last time I saw her I said I didn't want to hug . I'm hurting. I feel you and sorry for your loss.
Don’t feel too bad about that. It’s a good thing that you could honour your own needs when you likely spent years prioritising her needs - bet you engaged in many other hugs before then that you didn’t want either, that last occasion was your graduation - Graduation of Self. Think of her as proud of you now. She’s healed and you will live well with healthy boundaries. 🕊
My mom died almost 5 years ago when I was still pretty young (35) w small kids.
I thought I was free, and I was in so many ways. But the real processing started after that. Being so angry at her started. The ability to have emotions for what she’d done to me. It stunk that it finally started after the setting free. Even in death she still haunts me.
My mom passed away two days ago and she was close with me for brief moments, like a day or an hour but most of the time she was not and never really had a Bond or any real natural affection for me. When me and my siblings were born we had congenital anomalies and her mother told her don't get close to them because they're going to die anyway. And my mother never did. Although she was abusive to all of us five children, two of my siblings are very emotional and acting like she was the best mom ever. She was always very fun with other people, friends and relatives but so very abusive to all of us but particularily to me and my other sister. I don't have the feelings that people should feel when their parent dies, I'm fine and I went to work the next night after spending a night with her in the hospital while she died. At first I kind of feel guilty about not having the grief feeling like 2 of my.sisters feel but I'm ok now. It was hard being in the hospital all night long while my sisters were pawing all over her and pretending she was the best mom ever. But I'm a nurse so I was able to compartmentalize and I just didn't have close feelings for my mom at all, I never liked the woman she was very very cruel to me. I feel a sense of relief because after 57 years I'm not going to be emotionally abused by my mother anymore. We're delaying the celebration of life till the spring and it's going to be really hard on me to see all the people who she was nice to be there and to rave about what a great person she was. But her abuse with us was physical and emotional. I tried telling a cousin I was once close to how she was but nobody believes me or cares or wants to listen to how cruel she was to me and my other sister. Which is okay for them I guess because they cannot comprehend how this woman was but it feels completely like I'm being invalidated. I feel completely separated from this whole process.
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I thought I was bugging my grandmother just died yesterday... she had a lot to o with the bond my mother never had with her children...... my mother doesn't care to speak to me ,but now her mother has passed she's telling my siblings for me to call her smh they won't take no more of my sweet energy!
No contact is the way to go. If your blood relatives, yes blood relatives, made you feel invalidated, they can go screw themselves. Focus on you! Guilt may come first, but it will get better. I've watched some videos about stories that are similar to yours, my heart bleeds for you. Set yourself free from their toxic hold. You got this! Also, true family is made by love through strong friendships, not by DNA.
@tim and person -
Very very similar. I suspect everyone knows what she was like but they do the dutiful thing for show. I know my father now revels in the attention and power of dealing with his will/money.
I did not go the funeral, I said goodbye in my own way when she was dying in the hospital. She said nothing meaningful to me but engaged happily with the staff while I cried.
I would stay away from people who will not understand you.
Narc parents go under the radar and you may feel worse unless you are prepared to explain firmly in one sentence what they did.
Little or general anecdotes will be dismissed as you being 'over sensitive or exaggerating'. It will be more abuse all over again.
Keeping to yourself will look like grief to them, so try it for as long as you can. There are many people and articles online which can help
Lost my grandma, dad, grandpa, lost others along the way stay strong.
is it okay if you don’t go at their funeral? is that rude?
cause I don’t want any of my family members and relatives see me grieving on them, and also I cut all of them in my life.
I say to hell with politeness with these people. I won’t be going to my narc father’s funeral because
1) I have zero will left to lie and pretend to people everything was alright with them anymore
2) I have zero will to put myself into a position to hear person after person praising him and putting him on a pedestal when I know the things I know
3) I REFUSE to put myself into a position to be their scapegoat EVER again. ESPECIALLY during times of high emotions for them. Or for myself.
If it will truly bring you closure to go, only you will know that answer.
But do you have to go if it won’t help you? If it’ll just hurt you???
_Hell_ no you don’t. You have the choice. 💚
You always have a choice. I honestly don't know what my choice will be when I get there regarding my mother. I don't believe in heaven, hell or ghosts, so I don't think: "Oh gee, she's gonna haunt me from the grave". I have concern for my stepfather. He's a lovely person, so I may just be there to help him if she passes first. I'm watching this video in anticipation - Both of them are in poor health.
@@batwom4304 Well said!
PurplePinkRed thank you!! I hope you’re doing ok despite everything you’re going through. You’ve got the strength to get through this 🤗
I made the decision not to go to my Fathers funeral, nearly a year on and I think it was the right decision. No having to lie/pretend that I don't hate the man. You cannot control what other people think, but you can protect yourself from those people.
Oh my….how I so feel this today. I lost my toxic mom a week ago yesterday. And the emotions are so real. I have people telling me basically they didn’t realize I’d care and I’m just looking for attention. So not true. Thank you so much for sharing this video. I share in your pain. 💔
I’m here right now. You said what I’m feeling right now.
My mom does a year and a half ago. I never cried once bc the way she left things and how that has impacted my family and my father’s legacy. I know I need to make peace with what happened intellectually but getting there is a whole other animal. I hope I will find a way to forgive sooner rather than later.
A narcissist will always prey on the weak. If You were an easy target, why would You forgive them? Weakness Maybe!
Thank you for sharing this. I'm terrified of when my mom will die. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and the end scares me. Going no contact has happened until I was able to have better boundaries with her. I know I will never have a mom now, but when she passes that will finalize it. Ya know. I'm scared it will be horrible when I have to faced the finalized version of that realization ...along with everything else.
Your story is heartbreaking. I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you are on a better path now and feel better. My narcissistic mother is dying from stage 4 lung cancer and got maybe couple of months if that. I went no contact last year and she never tried to mend things or make our relationship work. Just gaslighting, manipulation, etc. she said she loved me but nothing in her actions proved that. I don’t know if she loves me or ever did. I got cptsd from her. I feel like I could’ve done more or done something differently. I forgave her. I do love her but she broke me. I can’t go back now and try to make peace with her. I do miss her and I wish things were differently. We had more bad times than good. I hold on to the good times or memories but I wonder if any of them were genuine coming from her. Or was it all fake. Idk what to think right now. I’m an emotional wreck.
Hope you’re doing better. I’m in this situation currently, same experiences plus some. Having been agonisingly discarded repeatedly, I decided the last discard would be the final one. Before discarding me they scared all home-care companies away. I’m very sad for them; lonely mean alcoholic struggling with severe life-ending lung issues, - but if I don’t stay away I’ll be dead before them. Either way it’s a devastating & heart-breaking position to be in.
Again, I hope you’re doing better now.
My mother died a month before yours. I could not get through your video at the time. I did today. Thank you
Thank you so much. I feel like you just told my story.
What if you feel nothing?
I don’t feel anything.
Maybe you closed the topic off allready?
I dont feel nothing too. Maybe if i am honest a happiness. The final ending of a horrible youth.
I felt nothing. That bothered me more than grief.
Do you mean feel nothing for a toxic parent that has passed or don’t feel anything at all emotionally ?
Thank you for this.
Father just died (last Monday nearly 20yrs estranged after he won sole custody through manipulating me and court i was very young)
I was literally rescued from him by my first serious partner who could see the SA as well as other abuse. The difference being he was my primary “care giver” (care is a joke) after my mother gave me up” so I’m angry at both. I thought I’d feel nothing and just like, you, feel I don’t deserve to grieve.
I’m so angry all the time. My mother and I have a better relationship now she’s accepted accountability albeit my partner doesn’t believe her words. I can’t be around any family including my adult son (who I love more than the breath in my lungs he’s my world teen mummy) without the rage coming through.
I lost my shiz in a shop over my partner asking if I’d like veg. My son said something as placid and I lost it at him because I just wanted to be alone. I can’t cope with being around family.
Oh and my mum who said she’s healed from what he did to her. Note nothing bad enough to tell the court when it came to custody but I don’t believe she wanted a kid slowing her career and money down (nothing in comparison) decided it was appropriate to send her condolences about a psychopath who abused me to a point I have extreme ptsd.
I thought my partner was fast asleep and fell to pieces for the first time so far, last night. He woke up but I couldn’t tell him why I was a mess. I can’t forgive or grieve yet I just have sheer rage. My old man’s partner didn’t know him at all except he said no grandchildren were allowed near them so I made sure all her children/grandchildren were safe from his perversion. I’m so confused I get scared to sleep I panic his spirit is near me.
.It was supposed to be easy I get relief now he’s dead not anger, rage and fear of my beautiful son in case I lose him somehow. I just don’t understand any of it. He was never punished even when my mum knew!! Oh and just in case it wasn’t bad enough I’m getting the funeral bill which my mums not helping with. She’s basically said I’ve had my one day of grief it’s no longer needed. I’ve lost a partner and my best friend un sliced herself and this feels far harder to process. I feel like my tears are just pathetic self pity. Help me someone to stop the anger without praying I’ve done that!!! I just want to be me a again. Yes I’ve tried all sorts of stuff to work through he anger especially as I’m usually always laughing and being silly. My love to all of you they are in the situation my heart goes out to you beautiful souls 🤗🤗🤗
My dad has stage four kidney disease and he's a type 2 diabetic. He's on dialysis treatment and there's talk of a kidney transplant. As a kid, he used to hit me a lot and cuss at me, and leave me in strange places without any parental guidance. I'm a teen now, and our relationship right now is really complicated. He lives far away from me; I live at my grandparents. He tells me it makes me upset when he sees me go upstairs when he visits, but it's only because I have to distract myself from the fact that my dad is dying.
I don't know how long he has left to live. I know he's taking amazing care of himself, but it's so hard to reconnect with my dad and not be able to help him. I've had good moments with him a couple of times, but I'm still his disappointment of a son. I know everything will hurt, but I don't know how much it will.
Thank you for this video.
My father die some days ago and i feel nothing and i didn't go to the funeral, I'm totally fine.
My mom TW commited suicide two years ago. She was toxic. I can totally relate but she passed and I'm grieving bad, why? You are spot on. I had that mother. My mom said right to my face "I know what I do to people, I just hurt" :( I am sorry for your loss. God bless us all. How would I be able to get a hold of you? I am a depressed zombie. I had the same mom.
Rick I'm so so sorry. We are so immobilized by the toxic parent... Death seems like it might bring peace, but also harrowing guilt and unfinished feelings.