Is This Complicated Grief?
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- Опубликовано: 2 июн 2024
- The important thing to know about grief, is that while it can feel awful, it is a healthy adaptive process of healing. It’s just your brain’s way of making sense of the loss and it helps us to learn what we value and leads us to reach out for comfort and relationship. So in a way grief is really just a helpful tool for processing the loss.
Complicated grief on the other hand, can feel similar to grief, but it is in fact, very different from it. While grief is an adaptive process of making sense of a loss, complicated grief is actually a disruption of the grief process - it keeps you from processing a loss (it’s like a road block). Grief involves positive feelings and memories, and complicated grief generally makes it tough to be able to access the memory or loss in a way that enables you to have positive and honoring feelings. Also, grief is a reaction to losing something you value, complicated grief is a reaction to a negative narrative or cognition you have that has been surfaced by some element of the loss. Meaning that complicated grief is born out of a negative belief or experience that’s attached to the loss. It could be a negative belief we have about ourselves, or possibly the relationship we had with the person who has passed away or is no longer in our lives. Instead of processing the loss, Complicated Grief keeps us stuck in the process, unable to do the healing work of grieving.
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Without insurance, some of us simply suffer mental illnesses that go on undiagnosed and seclude ourselves from life simply because we can't afford to seek therapy. Something has to change to help people who need help and can't get it.
Melissa Milner Wright So true. I'm grieving three losses, one a death. All happening within two months of each other. I reached out to two therapists: two rejected me and one attempted to upcharge me.
I've never had to reach out for therapy before and I felt like I was being left in the wilderness. I was on edge mentally and couldn't get help. Imagine if I was someone in a *worse* situation with no resources?
If you have a school in your city you can often get counseling for a reduced price. I was able to start with a counselor for $10 an hour because she was not licensed yet but had all the training. She now charges me based on my income and not her regular rate, until I am able to pay that. I am so sorry that you have not been able to get any help.
Google: Megan Devine and her
web/FB pages called Refuge in Grief. Her book: It’s OK That You’re Not OK is so helpful for grief.
@@rdjg5162 Yes! I'm in the middle of that book! Very good.
*raises hand* Currently going through this.
My fiance, my soulmate, the absolute love of my life passed away unexpectedly in November 2017. I am still hurting so bad. I sob uncontrollably on a regular basis. I miss him so much. Thank you for posting this video.
MrsGrumbles_2007 I don’t even know you, but it’s been 8 months, and I hope you’re okay, and I hope you’re better.
Sorry for your loss 😔 That same month & year I loss my mom. It has been a devastating & lonely journey of grief. I don't even like the month of November anymore. Take it one day at a time.
How are doing lately? Hope you've made some kind of progress along your Grief Journey 🙏🏼
I feel your pain, I'm completely shattered..... utterly devastated. It's been 4 years since your fiance left, does the sinking feeling in your stomach & feeling like your arms & legs have been weighted down, does that ever go away, or at least subside to any degree?
Condolences. Better late than never?
I would love it if you could do a video on estrangement... specifically parent/child estrangement and/or cut off. Or perhaps a video on those of us grieving the loss of a person still living.
Yes I'd love this too.
Yes please this exactly!
Oh yes. Grieving a living parent would be a helpful video for many.
Yes please...
Me too. I am an alienated parent (going on 4 years) and my mom just died yesterday and I’m inconsolable.
I just lost my Dad. He has been in my life for 55 years. I learned too late that he was my very best friend. I feel grief, regret, guilt, remorse and unbelievable sorrow. No words can describe what I am going through. I really don't feel the words of anyone can relate to or alleviate my sorrow. I will grieve, and rightfully so, for the rest of my life.
I feel the exact same way about my moms death, I feel it's my fault and I loved her more than anything in the world, I dont think anyone can ever help me
My mum passed away when me and her were in a car accident. That was two years ago and I can’t move past it because of the PTSD from the car accident, I can’t think about my mum in a ‘healthy’ way because it’s always interrupted by thoughts of the accident. I needed this video today and it made me feel less alone, thank you!x💖
Becky F My whole heart goes out to you becky. I also lost my mama two years ago, you are not alone! love and hugs from germany♥️
Becky F You’re definitely not alone. I too have PTSD with my complicated grief. ❤️
Jeremy Duer thank you, I hope you can find peace in your mind soon !!
Velvetrash x sending you lots of love and positivity for your future and happiness ! 💖
A Certified EMDR Therapist may be able to help you heal. Fast. Find one.
I lost both my parents to covid19. It's horrible. It's like a hole in my heart. It's been a month without them. Its unbereable. I miss you guys so much. Saudades dos meus papás. Amo-vos tanto.
I have recently lost a 6 week old kitten to a very gruesome death. He was half eaten. A friendly stray cat had a litter in our backyard, and I was trying my best to care for them given the circumstances of the house I am living in isn’t mine. I feel I made silent promise between myself and an animal. A promise that meant I was suppose to protect them and keep them safe from all harm, and I feel like a failure. I can’t stop feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt. I spent almost 4 hours everyday with these kittens. I bottle fed them, played with them, and talked with them. I feel it is wrong for me to grieve the life of something that may have been small in comparison to a human. But these kittens truly felt like my babies. I recently surrendered the rest of them to a local animal sanctuary/foster home. Tomorrow I’m bringing the mom over to the sanctuary to be reunited with her babies. I hope I gave them the next blest thing they all deserve.
Please realize that you did everything humanly possible in your circumstances for the babies. I am so very sorry for this tremendous and traumatic loss. I still grieve all of my babies that I have lost and known. Grief over animals are every bit as valid as other types of grief. Every grief one feels is totally valid and meaningful. Praying for your comfort.
Wish I'd find therapist like you!!!! You're so humble and down to earth person!!!!
@rosheen aahil the first step in finding a therapist that checks your criteria is reaching out and booking a session with a therapist to see if you fit
Me too
Awe thanks :) But know that there are other great therapists out there!! We just have to look :) xoxo
some areas are small enough that you can ask around and find out what the one you'd be going to is like. the way my town is, i've heard we actually have pretty good grief counseling.
i thought maybe i needed it, for the whole past 12yrs, but this video kind of confirmed a lot of things. but also makes me scared, because if it hasn't just gone away by now what if i can't make it go away with their help? i don't want them to think i'm not trying. but maybe just going and trying to try is enough- i don't know.
The first thing I noticed were your eyes. One reads " Knowing & Understanding," the other is " Genuinely Optimistic." You are special & therapists such as you are hard to find.
My Mom passed away from cancer a few months ago, we knew it would happen. I cried a lot when she passed, but afterwards I kind of got super busy with other things : school, work…
I repressed all of my emotions of loss and just… I feel like I’m the only one who’s not moving on.
I have always been the type to repress all of my feelings, even from my past childhood traumas. I didn’t feel anything until years after it happened, then it started eating at me.
I don’t want to think about what happened with my Mom, every time I think about that night, I picture her as she stopped breathing, I can’t even write this without seeing it and then the emotions come too strong if I keep thinking about it. Sometimes I can’t help it, but most times I just push it back as far as possible.
I feel like I’m not supposed to be sad, to be depressed, I’m supposed to move on, I feel lonely, I feel like the only one who’s just standing there. My Father is seeing other women, I don’t want that. What about Mom? What about us? He’s barely ever here anymore.
But I can’t say that to him, he’s grieving too.
It will soon be 4 months since she passed and I feel like so much is coming boiling to the surface right now.
I miss her so much, I miss our family life, I miss so many things
I can’t help but feel jealousy towards those who still have their mothers
Deep down every time my friends talk to me about doing things with their mother or every time I see their mother, I want to run away.
I’m 19 years old, I still need my Mom, but she isn’t there anymore
I just can’t accept it
There is no such thing as "moving on" from grieve. you just learn to live with it and move forward with it. hopefully the pain will give you perspective and empathy that you wouldn't have otherwise.
Learn about buddhism and how they handle emotions. They view jealousy as one of the five poisons. try not to have jealousy toward people with mothers as it just creates more pain and suffering. You should try to cultivate love and compassion as hard as it is as jealousy roots from hatred. It creates suffering to be attached to the situation of others. Once you let go of that attachment you will be free.
I am also 19 and I lost my dad around 5 years ago in 2017. Buddhist thought has helped me through it. They see suffering as inherent to the human experience and no escaping it, but there are ways to find the path that leads to the end of suffering. But its okay to not except it
Hiya, I understand you completely. I was only 20 years old when my mum died from a brain tumour yet at the time I had other things to do; so much university work , a job & covid hit and I carried that weight on me with that work until I graduated. I don’t think I’ve properly grieved until now. My dad has also started seeing someone else and it breaks my heart to see as I can’t imagine anyone with him but my mum. I’ve lost my mum and I’m never gonna get another mum. You’re not alone with your feelings, it’s never ever gonna be easy for us, we can’t just move on and deny our grief but we gotta just gotta tell ourselves it’ll be okay and find a way to cope ❤
In the COVID19 period more and more people will have to face the loss of a dear one. And this is one of these skills nobody wants to have to learn.
I grieve for my wasted life.
I've always since childhood felt a failure
I am sorry to hear you say that. Do you believe that you wasted your life or are others saying that? Things happen but it doesn't mean you can't do something about it for yourself, to make it better.
Happiness is a choice. You can decide to wallow in sorrow over something you can't do anything about or you can forgive yourself and love yourself enough be happy. Nobody is coming to save you.
Write out your goals, wants or needs. I mean literally write them down. Then, in huge detail, write below each one the necessary steps you need to take to get what you want. Write it as though you’re telling a child, it has to be completely spelled out in minute detail. I learned this from a TED Talk on RUclips. I tried it and it works.
Try it, you’ve nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck 🤞.
THIS.
@@ratelhoneybadgercallous
What about grief that has to do with the loss of an unhealthy/unresolved relationship? When my mother died I realized I was grieving more about all the lost opportunities/time that we never took to address the poor relationship we had. It was only after she passed that I could process the negative affect she had on my life.
That's true... How are you doing now?
That happened to me too. I knew the pain my ex had put me through, but it seems as if his passing is what is forcing me to have this closure. I always thought we would fix it together one day, but I can't actually say that it ever would have happened and there's peace in that. My heart goes out to you. ❤
Kmmm PS
Yes I'm right there with you.
This!!! My dad passed in June. I was his caregiver for his last year and a half. He was mean, controlling and very manipulative. Always had been. He never cared how much he hurt me or our family. I have no regrets about how I cared for him. Now I’m mad that we will never have a chance to have the relationship I needed. And I hear his negative word vomit all the time. He would tell me how I would never amount to anything and I’m a quitter. I can’t move past the anger… almost 6 months later. I’m so angry at him!
I think complicated grief can be caused when there's an element of PTSD. I was a carer for my mum for over ten years and she suffered so much in the last six months. I'm now finding it very hard to process the grief, being haunted by memories of her suffering and the stress we both went through. I just feel completely traumatised by the whole thing and have wished that I could die many times.
So sorry
If you can, get a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma focused therapy and do EMDR therapy.
Praying for you similar experience here
@@sapphire6769 Thanks, same to you too.
@@mcjs8640I tried EMDR and it made things worse. They seem to forget to tell you they know it can make symptoms worse before recommending or beginning to use it to treat you. I'm saying nobody should do it, but I felt like the fact that not a single person or doctor told me it was known to increase suicidal thoughts and PTSD symptoms in some patients really delayed me being able to recognize it was hurting me far more than helping. I wasn't even aware it could hurt at the time. Just wanted to bring that up here in hopes of saving someone from the additional trauma that has happened to me and countless others.
In my culture, I see this all the time, so many people, esp the elder generations have unresolved grief or trauma from their childhood that they were never allowed to grieve so now it all piles up on top of each other and they walk around traumatized 😢
It’s sad to see because if they had the education, it could have been resolved.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this guys:)
I imagine this happens a lot in populations that lives in war zones or were the target of genocide.
Joel 27 I have to agree with you on this one :)
TK yes they many have survived wars physically but emotionally have not had the chance to process it.
That is so sad.. and I do know that this is more common in cultures that have seen war or any kind of genocide. Or even in older generations just because it wasn't okay to talk about how they felt or what they had gone through. xoxo
My spouse died two years ago and I'm still having alot of trouble. More than I did in the early months. I still have these gut punch moments where I cant believe they died. Your videos have helped me alot.
Bill Morgan, my husband also died 2 years ago. I kept pretty busy the first year but you are right, this second one is not easy. I think I was thinking it would get easier as more time passed but it hasn't. My friend calls them grief attacks. They just pop up out of nowhere, or the weirdest things will trigger me when I least expect it to. Hopefully one day it will be easier for both of us! You aren't alone.
I’m so sorry for what you’re dealing with Bill. I hope you will rediscover yourself in some form through healing. I know grief and healing isn’t linear. Keep remembering that it’s ups and downs. Like waves. That’s how grief is for me. It’s also common for you to still feel disbelief. It’s a way of coping I feel. Just because you have setbacks, or new forms of grief, doesn’t mean you haven’t grown and made progress in healing.
Grief is random & painful. I still struggle & it has been 2 years since my mom died. Just take it 1 day at a time.
My boyfriend died in febuary, and I hoped if felt the worst of it. I can't believe it gets harder, is that even possible?
Jennifer Doran I lost my husband almost two years ago. I was very numb for about the first 6 months and walked about in a fog of pain for the first 12. I’m feeling like I am moving through it now and have started making a new life. It gets different and it’s like the ocean, it comes in waves, sometimes it’s a cal, sunny day with barely a ripple and other times it’s a tsunami. I think what changes is that you become better at coping with the hard days. You know that you will survive and that you will be happy sometimes or even most of the time. The longing for them becomes like a familiar favourite piece of clothing.
My mom passed away in February 2019 at 95. I have moments when I'm down in the dumps and have crying spells. My dad passed away in July 1995 at 85. I miss him too. But, I took care of my mom during the last 5 years of her life. I had home health care nurses and assistants, helping me out, which was a big help for me! I'm forever grateful that I'm retired and was able to spend a great deal of my quality time with my mom!! I'll love her and miss her forever!!!💔😥💕😢💕😪💕😭💔
Me too, with my mom! I helped my mom a lot her last year. She had severe COPD. My dad passed 5 years ago. They were divorced for 30 years so it was hard. My father was so in my mom with the with the passing away part, my father passed away in the hospital. My mother died in hospice, and I was so grateful for that, and it was her decision. Such a brave, brave woman. You are not alone.❤
Grief is a highly individual experience. In my experience every person deals with it their own way and at their own pace. It can be really shattering, especially if we did not have a chance to say we loved the person, or there were some unsolved issues between us...or we simply didn’t have time or opportunity to say good bye.
Grieving should start long before the death of a person, when we support the dying person before they die...the thing is that we do not always have a chance to do that.
If you are reading it and if you are in despair, know that this is most probably the way your mind is dealing with your loss. It’s so painful, but eventually it should lead to solace.
Be strong and be safe.
No solace after 13 years.
This hits home hard. The night I got home from the hospital as my brother died (loss 1), I was one of his caretakers, his death was after a long illness, my then-husband of 22 years told me he was gay, wanted a divorce (loss 2) and that our marriage and children were a facade to help him further his career in a male dominated industry. My life, all my memories, my history, my identity, was a lie (loss 3). For about a year after I supported him emotionally. I was distraught because he became suicidal and I guess a life of hiding his true self meant he had no one to turn to where he could be authentic. Fear got the better of him and he went back into the closet. He left us all. Just walked away into a new charade, he doesn't have anything to do with his children. To add insult to injury, my parents blames me, a woman is nothing without a husband. So in their eyes I caused this extra shame, pain and embarrassment to the family at a horrendous time of grief, so they withdrew support and shunned me and my children (loss 4). Two of our children went through breakdowns in the aftermath, as their mother I set aside attention to my grief to help them through, got to be strong. My life now is stained with permanent grieving, it just sort of slowly leaks out from me and drains the color from every moment. I did do intense personal therapy for 7 years, but really it was a ventilator, just keeping me alive, breathing, moving. And that's where I am now, alive, but I'm not living. I want to say it gets better, but it doesn't, it's just different. I'm still faking it until hopefully one day it won't be fake.
DJMe I'm sorry that it all came at once. And that your parents blame you for it. It is Not your fault. I'm sorry that he used you and the kids that way. And I'm sorry that you lost your brother. Your identity was not a lie. Here is a digital hug. I lost my sister a year ago in April after a an illness and a lifelong set of disabilities. So I understand about your brother.
You are a remarkable woman. You have experienced many losses that would be life changing all on their own. Yet you emotionally took care of a man who shattered your life. You put your children's needs before your own. You do not sound bitter, which most people would be. That in itself is admirable. You are very strong.
I have experienced many losses in a short period of time. The world has no colors anymore. Experiencing multiple life changing losses has made me grieve something else as well, I grieve for my old life. I grieve for the people and things I lost but I also grieve for the person I was before those losses. Is it the same for you? Do you miss who you were? Do you miss your outlook on life? I do. There was an innocence or inexperience that I can never return to. I was not unfamiliar with death or grief before but it never was an onslaught. Almost an attack on my psyche. My life is divided in two; Before & After. I don't think that is something most therapists think of. Pieces of our identities are gone.
I wish you much love and happiness as you rebuild yourself and your life. You deserve it.
@@fearlesskitten2475 I can relate to you ladies & I respect you for sharing your story. I don't find many individual's able to listen, yet understand the depth of intensity we've experienced. I gave up my business, my marriage & nice lifestyle to care for my mother. It was 24/7 of miserable, grueling & exhausting care. She was terminally ill. I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I did it because I dearly loved her. Soon I was isolated but I was committed to do my best. Seeing her suffer slowly sucked the life out of me. In 5 yrs she passed. My Dad & I had plans to move on but 3 months to the day, he was suddenly killed in a car crash. The shock really crushed my spirit. I planned the second funeral. Then I learned my brother lost his high profile job of 18yrs in a merger/acquisition. He fell into addiction & I was lost. Fearing not knowing how to help, he might be dead soon too. He lost everything he gained, it was a rough ride but he overcame the grip & got a new job. Thank God. In the mean time I had stalker who caused 2 yrs of insanity. Threatened & harassed me relentlessly. By that time I was completely withdrawn, my reality changed to become a version of the twilight zone. There was so much to resolve so I followed through like a machine. I don't have anything but the 2nd hand pets I've rescued. It's hard to accept the loss of my former self. The enthusiasm, joy & drive I felt in life. Everything changed & now I have become a different person. I meditate, pray & believe the light & life force energy will return to us! I'm sending much love & wishing you abundant blessings!
I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve to be heard and comforted, and this was not your fault. I'm praying for you and your family. A mother / person should never have to go through that with no support... I hope you find joy again
implosion therapy
I lost a parent to suicide when I was 12. I definitely experienced this. Complex grief, delayed grief, feeling guilt and responsibility over the loss, facing other sources of rejection after the loss. The therapists told my mom that I had latent or delayed grieving process. It wasn't until I was 30 years old that I was able to really heal. By then, I had left a trail of destruction behind me.
I know some of us have struggled for a seemingly long time, and this gives us one perspective on why. When I got divorced I had to grieve the loss of my partner of more than 1.5 decades, the loss of not being with my kids all the time, financial loss and loss of extended family members and friends. I blamed myself more than I should have. I fet a deep sense of abandonment. I felt like a failure. And it brought back painful memories of my parents' divorce and all the after effects of that.
I'm not the only one who breaks down during 90% of Katie's uploads, right?
I'm right there with you.
I had an anxiety attack watching this video.
No, you're not. My first Katie video and emotional, too.
I cry for at least half of every video
"you know what i mean?"
*tears streaming down face* yeahhhh, i do
omg lol
We took took my grandpa off life support December 28, 2019 they didn’t know why he was so sick and they said it might be the flu or pneumonia, but they weren’t sure and then when everyone started to actually talk about covid thats when we finally knew what it was…. Rewind to Thanksgiving 2019 my grandparents lived with my parents I had moved from California to Utah in 2016 and my grandpa kept asking me to come back we were as close as two people could be. Him and my grandma are at my aunts house for Thanksgiving and so I go there and they were so happy to see me. My grandpa asked if I would come and stay at my aunts for a couple days and I said no I have to drive back to Utah tomorrow and he kept asking me to stay and I just kept thinking I miss my boyfriend and wanna go home. The last thing he said was I love you and I said I love you too see you when I come back. My grandma called when I was leaving to Utah trying to get me to stay and saying you can drive us back to your parents and I said sorry I really cant. I left to Utah. My grandparents had my uncle and his wife drive them home and they were sick and thats initially how my grandpa got sick. I got a text from my mom December 8th saying my grandpa got taken to the hospital cause he stopped breathing in his sleep and that they resuscitated him in the ambulance and that they said he would be okay I had just started a new job and went to work the next morning and told them I had to go home my grandpa was sick my mom said don’t come he is going to be okay and I knew he wasn’t so I came. I stayed in the hospital every day and every day he got worse and my mom was talking about hospice and my grandpa he always said don’t let them cut me open if I can’t breathe I don’t need a machine every day my mom keeps talking about facilities and she starts to convince my grandma that its the right thing to do and my aunts and uncle are like no your right to me for saying we shouldn’t do that he gave up so much of himself for us to keep him here like that it’s selfish and they say you should talk to grandma I did and she agreed she said you are right my sweet granddaughter her birthday was December 26th and they asked my grandma what we were doing and she had to choose on her birthday whether he lived or died I have never seen her cry like that she said we will take him off but in two days cause his sister were coming from New Zealand to say goodbye. We took him off on the 28th of December everyone was so sad he had lived with my parents my entire life I saw him more than my own parents and I wasn’t ready even though I had been saying we had to let him go. At his funeral I went up to speak and I cried I tried to put words together pen to paper and I couldn’t my dad said I will go first then you okay go sit. He spoke cried about how he was so sad cause my grandpa is the reason he is where he is in his life and he is so grateful he gave him my mom. Then I go again and I cry but I put word together “ my grandpa is the one person who when I am broken and making all the wrong choices he loves me he prays for me and he never makes me feel unwanted. His love for me is unconditional I have never known a love as strong as the one he has for me I am sad cause I am scared of never having that again someone who loves me despite my flaws someone who looks at me with so much love and not a shadow of disappointment. Etc. “ Everyone at the funeral told me how everytime they saw my grandpa he would say he wished I would come home. I flashed back to the hospital when we were alone I said God if you give him back I’ll move home I’ll be better but he couldn’t it wasn’t God’s will. I think back to everything Thanksgiving 2019 if I had stayed would I have driven him home would that have kept him here or would I have at least been grateful for 3 more days. Fast forward to now I moved home September 2021 cause my moms spiraling and moved out and my dad needs help with the kids and I come to his grave every day for hours wondering was this all me was it preventable I tried not to think or talk about him in Utah cause I could pretend oh he is home in California but being here where it all happened again I just don’t know how people survive how I am supposed to survive this I just wonder if I wasn’t so selfish would he be here does he see me sitting here every day for hours at a time. I just don’t know I am so sad I drive down to LA 90 minutes away where we first lived and I go to all the places he took me growing up and I sit and watch I go to the park by our old house my favorite park cause he knew I loved seeing the horses and I watch other grandparents and their grandkids and I go to the donut shop right next to the house and I get my favorite donut and sit in our old drive way while I eat it I go to my old school and sit on the curb like he’s gonna be there to pick me up and I know that its crazy but sometimes I just want to pretend that he’s coming back.
This kind of grief is so much harder to overcome. It comes out of nowhere and really can interrupt you ability to work through them
It took me 8 years to comes to terms with my mother's death.
Thank you❤
Jessica Murphy year 3 for me I’m 15 got really bad dpdr still waiting on somehow getting my life back together. I had such an amazing life until one day my dad told me that my mom only had a couple weeks to live due to her cancer. A week later she was dead in my arms, me being 12. Around a month later my dad, not being able to handle the loss, began to date one of her best friends, who I am convinced is psychotic. It’s just too much to handle.
Im going thru this now, if you can give me some tips on how to cope?
@@BigIronBickle
Dont blame yourself, that's the biggest thing I can stress.
Wow. Im sorry for your loss. All of you.
I just lost both my parents 3 months ago to covid-19.
All i know is a confusion of feelings.
8 years here as well. I haven't even come close to accepting it. I wait for her to walk in the door every day...
I wish you would do a video on Anticipated grief.
That's a good topic. I feel I grief about the loss of my husband and he hasn't even died! He's in great health but, he is 76. It's going to happen. Someday.
Hi Shannon, Anticipatory Grief can be challenging. Here's a link to a podcast with more information ruclips.net/video/YMxQpPKNIik/видео.html
I'm just going to spit it out. I found my daughters body in Nov 2017. Overdose at 21. I don't want to give up the memory of what she looked like or my reaction. I hate myself for how I treated her the night before. I see her falling asleep over her cereal and telling her to just go to sleep. I didn't mean forever. I feel responsible for picking up her script of Xanax earlier that day. I feel guilty about breathing. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through in a life that has a million difficult things. Thanks for giving it a name Katie. It helps.
Carol Simoneau I am so sorry for your loss and your bravery and indomitable strength. All the best to you always.
I am so sorry. I too have experienced something similar. Anger is the most crippling feeling out of grief. Look to the Lord for your healing. One day He will give you the courage to say “it is well with my soul”. But it will always hurt
Carol, I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband passed away Oct. 2017. The cancer had gone to his brain and made him a very mean person the last few months. I have felt very guilty about some of the things I thought and said to him. You are very brave for speaking so honestly and sharing such a painful experience. Sending you a hug.
Carol Simoneau :( Im so so so very sorry.
I’m sorry for your loss, I don’t understand what you’ve gone through and are going through, but I pray that it will get better for you
TW: this was very helpful, thank you. I lost my little sister to suicide this past April and it’s been an extreme difficult, strange, confusing and scary experience coping. We had a rough relationship, I loved her deeply and I know she loved me, just childhood abuse and traumas we experienced kept us from building a solid relationship. I miss her.
When I was 12 my dad had very suddenly died from a brain aneurysm. I was at home with my brother and my mom was at work.
I didn't think I was effected by his loss at first. Maybe because I was holding on to a lot of anger and resentment from separate issues. Now though, these past two years. I've had a lot of unwanted images, thoughts and memories surrounding what happened pop up. I often find myself in tears because of this.
I think I'm only going through this now because I let myself forgive him
It'll be 6 years on March 11th 2021 and I still miss her like crazy. Still want to tear up but find I'm not able. Makes it hard to breathe sometimes when I remember.
I loss my mom to brain cancer in may. I feel like I lost the only person in the world that actually loved and cared about me. It’s really tough and it does seem so unfair.
Same
Same I lost my mom due to stomach cancer Im not able to move forward I have a certain belief that all this happened because of me.
I am a retired mental health counselor. In February my favorite sister died. She has Alzheimer's disease, so she was actually lost when her ability to function declined. She was a genius. Her masters degree in Special Education was on a complete scholarship at Vanderbilt University. She also skipped grades in elementary school. She taught the gifted. I am angry at the disease that robbed not only myself, but my fantastic brother in law, her 3 fabulous sons and 5 grandchildren of a very special person. She was so giving, she took in a boy who was a friend of one of her sons, when his parents lost their home, gave him full room and board, and saw to it he completed college. She never bragged about this. I learned of this at her funeral, when this man told me what she did for him. I am supporting research for the disease, so other family members do not have to experience the loss of a fabulous family member. Getting involved in a cause to end the illness that took a family member is very therapeutic, in dealing with a horrible loss of a very precious family member.
I have this...I didn't know what it was until I watched this video...It's been about 2.5 years since my mother passed, and I made sure that I felt every emotion to the fullest...But I don't know why I can't get over it...I feel overwhelming guilt that I failed my mother because I wasn't able to prevent her death and things were complicated even before hand...Thinking you failed your parent and now they are gone seems like this will go on forever. I relive the day I found her every single day of my life for the past 2.5 years..
This makes a lot of sense; I definitely turned a loss from my childhood into confirmation that people "always leave" and it took me years and years to process.
same here :(
Same
💯
This girl said that to me after I decided I didn’t want to stay at her house because she was drinking everyday . Her mum died of cancer and now I’m pretty sure she hexed me because when I got back my mum developed a rare cancer and was gone in 4 months .
Hi there Katie,
I'm guessing another form of complicated grief is when an abusive parent dies. I'm curious to hear your take on that and how it differs from what you've described in this video.
n0ts0B9 Yes, I would like to know also.
Same my mom passed away in April we hadn't spoken in 4 yrs and now my husband wants a divorce I'm a hot mess 😢
Me too. My parent is a sociopath. But she wasn't always evil so I do have some positive memories of her, but she became Hateful and Aggressive after she inherented a lot of money. She has deliberately destroyed my 2 children and me... almost to death... Please do a video on Munchausen's and Parental Alienation?
Thank You!
Yep
Same here. Please tall about this.
Unresolved grief and trauma- my abuser who was my brother’s dad died today and I don’t know how I feel, my dad died this June so I feel bad for my brother who is sad but his dad abused me so I just don’t know how to feel! I do feel angry!! Not that he died but it brings back trauma!!
Single father of 4, oldest & only son (18 just graduated hs) was at a red light & got rear ended by a dui unlicensed driver going 110mph. Financially we barely got by, many days I went without eating so he could have things he needed. 3.8gpa & a D1 football scholarship we worked so, so hard to get him to college. A torn ACL, borrowing gas money to take him to college visits. Somehow he overcame it all & made it. A month away from college, it's all just taken away. We had already packed most of his stuff. I had to go home & sit my 15 10 & 7 yr old daughters who absolutely adored him that their big brother wasn't coming home. No person should have to experience this it's too cruel. We were best friends & shared everything he survived for 3 days before being declared brain dead. No alcohol drugs nothing in his system. I probably have every factor you listed about. It's sad to say that many nites u pray hoping to God u don't wakeup. I got a letter idk he wrote to the family that donated the acl he got. That's the type of person he was. I just don't know what to do anymore with anything & I can't take the constant sorrow. I am going to try counseling I owe my beautiful kids that much. We didn't have much, but what we had was worth more than any money in this harsh, cold world. We embraced life's challenges together. I hope somehow I can survive this right now I'm not so sure.
I went through complicated grief after my father passed away this lasted for 6years of my life. I attempted suicide and prayed for death every night before going to bed. I went to a therapist and I'm finally healing.
I'm so glad you are still on this earth ❤️❤️ so glad you seek out help
Glad to know you made it through. Take care of yourself
this video is kinda perfectly timed. my father passed away when i was 2 months old. that would be almost 17 years ago. although i never truly knew him, i definitely grieve complicatedly. i didn’t even realize that there was such a thing as complicated grief, but now i know that i resonate with that form of grief. thank you for this💜
Jordon, keep talking to your Dad and God. Your Dad hears you and is. always with you helping you any way he can. I do understand a lot of what you are going thru, it is beyond gut wrenching. My Beautiful Wife Jan went to Heaven Feb 2021. God Bless you and your Family and always try and take care of tourself.
Four of my family members died of cancer it's been since 2005, 2006 they suffered it has messed my mind up so now I am traumatized for life, Seeing my mom go out of the house in a body bag I will never forget seeing that, & my mom laying there passed away & here I am with my granny still wanting to help her even after she left this world. Nothing helps not even therapy. Numb, I still Don't have my life back. I am angry a lot still no matter what. I will grieve for the rest of my life.Thank you Katie for this .
I've been dealing with complicated grief since my dad passed away a few years ago, I was diagnosed by my therapist. It went on for so long that I've been depressed for years and today I'm actually going to see a psychiatrist for medication. I'm also starting a new treatment for my trauma. So this video helped me not feel alone 💕
I am currently experiencing complicated grief and I didn't realize it until this video. I just thought grief was grief. I believe it's caused by two things: I was taught by my mom to grieve this way(her grief is strictly complicated and there has been a lot of loss) and I was brought up in an environment that taught me I am guilty for for everything that happens(abusive catholic schooling and held family beliefs). You said to think about it and see what emotion/thought comes up to try and get a clue as to what may be causing the grief. The thought that came to mind is that I'm responsible for the loss. That it's my fault. It's been almost 10 years and I feel like the loss was yesterday if I allow myself to think about it.
I think I need to get help to process the grief. Thank you, Kati. As always, you are a tremendous help and inspiration.
I'm so sorry for your loss, such is life we've all lost our loved ones in death, but life goes on, I lost my partner 3yrs ago, I understand how you feel, I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind, it'd be nice if you just say hi here is my number +1206-237-2054 😇
I find grief so interesting. My dad has almost died twice in the last year, he was incredibly manipulative and set up a world view for me that I wasn't valuable. Part of me was almost anticipating his death, expecting relief from him being removed from my life by pure chance. But I have a 6 year old brother who my dad actually treats well and I would never want him to deal with that loss. Grief seems to be intrinsically complicated regardless of it being clinically "complicated"
Holy Moly, you just hit me, rright in the feels, my mum died when i was 9, i grew up with two angry brothers. i've spent my adult life, with an undercurrent of rage and drive. you're the miracle that explains it, knowing what is is, i can deal and cope with. you've broken my 27 year year cycle with this vid. wow oh wow. thankyou. you're the only one i've found who explained it. i feel like i don't want to accept the logical truth, honestly, really, completely, thankyou. this has helped me more than you'll ever know. thankyou. wow. i'm happy, kind, caring, yet my drive is underlying anger that i couldn't quite explain, until today. you're amazing., one video, you solved me. i've spent years looking for answers or solutions and via youtube i find you have the answers, i love learning. you've helped me with this beyond belief. thankyou for being brave enough to record this. it might be 2 year old but this saved me from the darkness.
I just learned that I went through this on my own when I was 13. And it was years and years before I was able to find a way to process and understand why I was so enthralled by this loss and how it controlled my entire world view and all of my choices and even as I thought I was repairing my heart, I was so confused and lonely for so long and this dramatically undermined my ability to trust, make friends, have healthy relationships and how to recognize mistreatment without the fear of another soul death. It was exactly like my soul died and I cobbled together anything that I could do to make sure that this never ever happened to me again. It seems like so much can be effected by this inability to understand how to grieve when you are not validated by others or you are alone in your grief and lack the ability to communicate this with others.
Thank you for this! Lost my mom last year and had a complicated relationship with her; it's resulted in a lot of really crazy things coming up. Therapy is so helpful for this stuff and I encourage everyone to use it, if you can!
I think this is me. I lost someone from my life and I just haven't been able to heal from it
My father in law passed away almost three years ago. He was married to my mother-in-law for almost 53 years. She has steadily declined since. We have taken her to a psychiatrist, where he gave her some presciptions that seemed to help her for about 7 months, but now she has sank once again. She refuses therapy, touting it costs too much. We have offered to pay for it, but she doesn't want to seek someone to talk to that could help her through the grief. She also lost a child by accident when the child was 12 years old, but never sought counseling/therapy. That was in the 1980's, it's been that long. She doesn't want to eat, she lives in worry and fear. It's very difficult to watch and deal with just trying to keep her alive. We are at a loss.
I think this is the best explanation of complicated grief I’ve come across. It’s so easy to mixup complicated grief with regular grief but they really do look different.
What do you do with multiple deaths - colleagues, family, around you in the start of this year alone? I am alone and crisis lines are always busy. Counselors cost and I have a low income and no insurance. 2021 is hell. Please pray for all the families.
A year on from my dads death I've found this video as I've been struggling I cared for my dads for ten years due to strokes he finally past last april 11th and he died of kidney failure and pneumonia I have a strong feeling of guilt I couldn't prevent his death as I had before I feel selfish for feeling like this coz its wrecking my home life this video has helped me loads identifying a lot of points to work on and get help for thank you for doing this video
My mom passed away 6 days ago and I'm so happy I saw this video
Thank you for this video. I am dealing with grief right now. My friend who was my soulsister passed away in 2017.
Rachel Heflin I am so sorry this happened to you! My prayers are for you 💛
I’m having a midlife crisis thank u
Soo sorry!
My soulmate was the the one who passed too. Four and a half years ago. THERAPY, therapy, therapy. xoxoxoxox It is a loooong process (well, it is for me) but it gets substantially better.
@@TheBinski5577 EMDR can make it shorter if desired.
By the end of this video clip I not only realized this is what I’m experiencing but also discovered the guilt that is preventing me from grieving! Your videos are so helpful. Thank you for posting!!!
Thank you so much Katie. This resonates with me 100% given the way I'm dealing with the deaths of both my parents within months of each other. Time I think to seek support.
Hello Kati! Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into your videos, I genuinely appreciate being able to listen to you.
This video hit me pretty hard, because lately I have been having 'tucked away' grief coming back to my conscious mind from my mother's death when I was six, which also previously resurfaced when my grandmother died. I felt for months after my grandma died like there was no physical way I could exist without her because she was so important to me and in my life. I truly believed the night she died that I was going to not necessarily die, but cease to exist completely because a core piece of who I was was just gone (We only knew about the cancer that killed her for six days before she passed). Since her death for the last 6 years I felt only shallow hints of the emotions I used to feel, and have only now begun to experience anything at pre-grief intensity again. Honestly just feeling emotions normally is almost overwhelming sometimes, even good emotions sometimes feel so intense my chest aches.
Still working through that, the intensity is leaving me numbing out for a day or two and then I come back to full emotional potency, like I have to recharge. Still working on that.
In any case, thank you for all that you do!!
Thank you for this video- something traumatic happened at university last year, and this really articulates how I’ve been feeling since then
My "complicated grief" came from when I was with my 13-year-old Pug when he had to be euthanized.
(Smartest boy in the entire world, no lie, and whom I considered my "youngest son")
For months and months I had flashbacks of the moment, and cried every day, along with deep depression. (BTW, I have Bipolar 2 Disorder with a comorbid Anxiety Disorder)
My Psychiatrist asked me at one visit if I had suffered a trauma.
When I told him it was having my dog put to sleep, he slammed his hand down onto his desk, and yelled at me, "THAT IS NOT A TRAUMA! A TRAUMA IS SEXUAL ABUSE AS A CHILD, and whatnot.
Well, excuse me, but this *was* a huge trauma to me.
I could not believe his lack of compassion... it was horrible. 😣
Amy Harvey What was wrong with that psychiatrist??!! of course that is a trauma oh my holy god!
That‘s horrible and I feel so sorry for you, amy!
I have the same experience as you- only except with my mama, I lost her to cancer and she died in my arms. She told me everyday crying that she does‘nt want to die so young (she was 55).
My feelings are exactly how you described yours, especially the flashbacks are horrific.
Anyways, I just find It so pure and sweet that you‘ve had such a close bond with your pug, my heart goes out to you and I totally can see that the feelings are the same as they would be for a child especially if you‘ve had him for so many years!
Much love and hugs from germany♥️
Yikes, I'm sorry your psychiatrist was so invalidating and yelled at you. Losing a pet can definitely be traumatic. Sorry for your loss
I’m with you. I lost my best friend 6+ months ago within a week of diagnosis. She was with me for more than half my life, and I can’t help but blame myself. I am horribly grief stricken. I have experienced many losses in my life. But losing my furry best friend has crippled me. Sending love 💜
Absolutely. So much of that explains what I went through from my partner's suicide. Lots of hard work in therapy and I'm doing better. It was good to be able to smile when a memory came across my mind. It's not like that all the time yet, but maybe.
Thank you so much Kati!!! Loving the captions, I can finally show your vids to my family ❤️
Kati, thank you for this video. I’ve finally reached out to someone to help me process various events in my life that have been compounding over the years and this video has finally put a few things into perspective for me regarding trauma and processing of grief and loss. I also work in hospice as a social worker where I have to educate families and clients about grief. This was beautifully explained. Love your videos, they are super helpful.
Thanks for being my Between Therapy therapist ❤️
I love how you talk to us like we’re all in an actual therapy session, Id love to see you do a video showing us what a therapy session would actually look like.
Anfinity Warframe Kati already has a video where she does this!!! ruclips.net/video/jpZBuebqHpg/видео.html
Thank you Kati! I had never heard someone discuss this topic before but it is very relevant to a situation I have been experiencing. I have been thinking a lot about why different experiences of loss have created different grief responses for me and it gives me some peace to hear that this is a real and common experience.
I lost my mom 16 years ago and then my stepmom (who was also my moms best friend from jr high) 6 months ago. My therapist just explained to me that this is a type of complicated grief. We are in the beginning stages of working through these losses and dealing with some of the unresolved emotions related to losing my biological mom. Thanks for this video!
Complicated grief and depression do not mix well... at all. For those who don’t know :3
Yes indeed
I would be very interested in a video dealing with ambiguous loss and how to handle the grief that comes with that?
jamie hi Jamie, have you heard of Brene Brown work? In her book rising strong she has a good chapter on that 💕
@@JaneyImaaniEmotionalAwareness thank you, I will check that out .
jamie your welcome 💕
Hi Jamie, another name for Ambiguous Grief is Disenfranchised Grief. Check out ruclips.net/video/5viVgUIk88g/видео.html, for more information. Tt's a podcast discussing grief.
What do you mean by ambiguous loss?
Thanks for the insight Kati. I recently figured out that I’ve been experiencing a type of complicated grief. Glad to know I’m not alone and I’ve been reaching out to family members more now.
Wow. Thank you Kati. This video was really helpful. It helped me to make sense of how I felt with the loss of my family and in particular my sister. I was disowned by my family when I left their community. I lost my best and closest friend that day. My sister was my world but I had to leave because I was dying on the inside with pressures I was facing to conform and an onset of bipolar which my family refused to believe that mental illness is a thing. To save my life I left but I broke my sister's heart while doing it. I've never gotten over that loss (and the guilt) . It's been 13 years since it all happened. And it's taken me all that time to come to a place where that loss feels like the sun will shine again even without my sister there. I got stuck in this loop in my head about hurting my sister and losing her. It's all I thought about and talked about. This video helped me realise what all that was about. Of course there's more to it but complicated grief sounds like it hit the nail on the head there. Watching your videos are something I always look forward to. Thank you Kati!
I really appreciate you I was struggling a lot and you helped me calm down
Thank you Kati. I needed to hear this today.
Of course. I hope it was helpful :) xoxo
Thank you so much, Katie. I lost one of my best friends and roommate three weeks ago today and this is so helpful. I keep finding myself thinking about finding him after he passed and forgetting the positive memories and it makes me sick. Trying to keep positive. ❤️
Thank you so much for this video Kati! I had never heard this term before and I am realizing as I watch that I went through this recently. A year ago a friend of mine died. We weren't super close, but I had an extreme reaction to the loss for months after. It was especially hard being away at college where nobody around me knew him. Ifelt really guilty for feeling so much pain that I couldn't seem to control for someone that wasn't a huge part of my life. I struggled between trying to downplay my feelings and then having uncontrollable outbursts. It took me a while to get through it because I was constantly making myself feel worse but I eventually began to realize that there's no point in trying to downplay your love for another person even when you lose them and it causes you pain, and there's no point in comparing your grieving process to others.
Beautiful video, Kati. ❤️ In high school I lost two very important people to me less than a year apart (a wreck and suicide). During that time though, I had already been self harming for a couple years and fighting a conglomerate of sexual addictions. I never truly went through the grieving processes and felt like I was thrown under a buss this last October when I lost a dear friend to suicide. Thankfully I’m in a much healthier place now, but it’s like I’m leaning how to grieve for the first time. And goodness, it’s hard at times.
Just so you know, this video was the turning point for me at the end of last year. I am in such a better place today and it started with this video. Thank you!! 💙
Thank you for this, I’ve been going through this and am in counseling.
Excellent video - you are helping a lot of people and a credit to your profession. I am currently going thru what sounds like complicated grief. I have had two huge losses (deaths) in the last year and a half and am dealing with anticipatory grief now. And between Mar ‘08 and Aug ‘10 I encountered 7 losses, including my parents, fiancé’s Mom and 3 furbabies. It definitely sends your emotions reeling.
Love how she goes "bye". So cute!
Thanks for the explanation
I just want to say that your videos help me so much! They help me become more educated on a lot of mental illnesses ect., but one of the things your videos do for me is they usually get me thinking about things I would like to talk about to my therapist. I’ve actually started a check list in my phone with things i want to talk about with her, I’ve found it helps me stay focused. I dont know if this is a common thing to do, but I really like it.💕
When I was a kid I lost my two uncles a few years apart I have just started to process them, I’m 37. I just cry out the blue and suck it up to carry on but my mind body and soul has other plans.
This video has really helped ❤ I know how to ask a counselling support to aide me through.
Thank you ❤
Everyone is sharing their story, so I feel obliged to share amongst you all if that's okay.
I recently due to therapy discovered that I was living in a toxic household that has been negatively affecting me my entire life. I had a dog that was basically my everything. My comfort, my happiness, my peace. Whenever there was a fight, or an issue, I would go to him, and we would both be scared but we would be calm together, if that makes sense. He would even LITERALLY smile whenever I got home or spoke to him really sweetly. So long story short(er), he couldnt get up one day while being very old so we had to take him in. As I said, this dog meant SO much to me. But instead of being able to say goodbye and sit down next to him, I had to comfort my parents. My Mom was a mess, crying uncontrollably before we even got him to the vet. I was calm. I felt I needed to be for my dog and my parents. Once he had passed, it was right around the time of COVID breaking out worldwide and the USA was going to shut down and we weren't sure if we would be able to get Chatter's (my dog) ashes. I had to call the vet myself, which I have a hard time making calls already, ask them if I could still get him, and then when they said yes and I told my parents I was going to get him no matter what and if they wanted to come now was their chance, they both stayed home. So I went to pick up my sweetheart's ashes with only my boyfriend. No family. No parents. I'm thankful for him of course but I -needed- more. Now, months later, and I'm crying daily. I now get that it's because I felt forced into taking care of everything that was going on that I didnt get to really get MY time with MY dog. To say goodbye. And of course it's all inflamed even more so because he was a DOG. So its REALLY hard to get it across to people how freaking insanely painful this is for me and I often feel judged or guilty FOR my pain. You've helped me realize ALL of this leading to me experiencing complicated grief. So thank you so much Kati. Thank you thank you thank you. I no longer can afford therapy so videos online are all that I have to go off of. I will work to heal this infected wound now that I have identified it.
I am so sorry for your loss. I feel the same with the recent loss of my precious kitty who was so much more than a cat.
I hope you can plan a way to leave your toxic family and find a healthier life. 💛🌷💛
Woahhh, just when I needed to hear it. Good timing, Kati! Thanks!!!
such is life we've all lost our loved ones in death, but life goes on, I lost my partner 3yrs ago, I understand how you feel, I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind, it'd be nice if you just say hi here is my number +1206-237-2054 😇
A lot of what you said in this video described how I handled the death of my grandpa over 20 years ago (I was 9 at the time) along with other bad life events where I was losing "close" friends towards the end of middle school. Losing both was hard. I regained new friends when I was in high school, but the grief over my grandpa I never truly healed from until years later when I finally became at peace with his death and my feelings from it. Thank you for this video, Kati! :)
Thank you for this. I have been living the consequences of a loss for 13 years. Now I know I'm not the only one. Such a video really helps put everything in perspective and plan a way forward.
I'm dealing with grief from my Dad dying of suicide 11 years ago this year. I'll be trying to apply CPT to it with my therapist this week, and CPT helped me process childhood trauma so I'm hopeful. Great video!
Jasper Shifflett sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died of suicide a little over a year ago. I hope you’re doing okay.
Wow, this really explains how I feel regarding my husband coming out as transgender and transitioning to a woman. How can I grieve the loss of someone who technically didn’t exist? How can I be anything but excited and happy for someone finally living their true life? It’s so hard to miss someone who you loved so much and shared your life with when you are told they were “just an act”.
TK wow nothing but respect for you. I have no idea what you are going through or what that’s like but you are strong and amazing and I hope things get better for you. I’d highly recommend quality self care and maybe a good therapist if you’re open to that. All the Best to you.
I know this is an old thread, and I hope this finds you well...
What I'm about to say is going to sound a little "goofy" (for lack of a better term). Recently, neuroscientists reached a consensus that the brain doesn't distinguish between memories developed through "IRL" experiences and the experiences from fictional sources like video games. We've suspected as much for a long time, but there are structures in the brain that are created through memory formations, and they don't differ in the slightest between IRL and Fiction.
We've suspected it, because Fandoms have reacted horribly when the Icons they follow did something to "betray" them within the "Character" they portrayed. Look at Hannah Montana's ending and when Miley Cyrus took up her professional ADULT career, stepping out of the Disney/ABC life to be independent. Sure, some of her fans were supportive, and she was growing up, but there was no shortage of outrage and backlash in the first couple of years, and she spent an unreasonable amount of time hitting headlines all over the place over acts and routines that wouldn't have been news-worthy without it being about Miley Cyrus...
It's been further supported because training everyone from Pilots to Firemen, Police, Special Field Agents and even Soldiers through video game scenarios has been surprisingly effective over the years, only improving steadily with every improvement made on the video game technology for them to practice... AND in scenarios practiced by Police, nobody has to risk being killed or injured if it's all a video game... BUT those memories get formed... no different from the trainees being thrust into the field to learn "on the job".
SO it doesn't really matter that the actual person you were in love with and with whom you shared so much of yourself and your life was actually putting on "just an act". That was all fake to HIM. To YOU, however, all those experiences were VERY REAL. I'm sure a part of you IS also happy that someone who's suffered his whole life with being imprisoned in a life he couldn't truly live. The part of you full of anger and resentment and feeling betrayed has been hurt deeply, however. That makes it hard to find the squishy and warm human side of you who would support the person brave enough to finally stand up and BECOME real for himself.
I'll tell you something else, too. I've been a Game Master and Player in countless Table-Top Role Playing Games (like D&D) for over 30 years. I've seen grown men Role Play silly Characters in a regular game that lasted a few hours twice a week for nearly a year... AND they broke down bawling their eyes out when a Character died in the game. It doesn't matter that the person isn't technically "real" like you and me, a tangible living human being. These Characters were no more than a list of notes and some coarse drawings on paper, voiced and acted out and determined by the Player at the Table... BUT Characters die in the games we play. If death wasn't a real threat, there'd be no tension... no consequences. I've mourned Characters lost before they'd realized a goal or a dream...
SO those experiences are no less real. They ARE valid. You have EVERY right to be PISSED and HURT and SAD for the loss. The world stripped this love and this person away from you, and of course that's going to hurt. The betrayal of this person being a "facade" is also going to hurt. It's hard to recover from that, BUT it IS do-able. You have to give yourself the patience and permission to let go and grieve the loss(es). Only then will you be able to get through it and heal... and that's the important step. Until you've recovered, it's not going to feel okay to be remotely supportive of the person who finally set himself straight on his own and found the courage to come out and be who he really is.
...AND just because you may find it to be supportive doesn't mean you have to like it particularly. There are a lot of things in the world that I can understand and even condone, but I don't have to like them. ;o)
@@gnarthdarkanen7464 you're right - you don't have to like anything, but is that really a helpful footnote? You were quite validating of this person's feelings except where you misgender the partner, but why the footnote?
@@rainjaydd8213 In reference to obvious signs of cognitive dissonance, yes... There's going to be at least a part of us that doesn't like or approve of what someone else does with their life... for whatever reasons. That's no reason to pursue berating, degrading, or dismissing them or ourselves...
I don't have to love my damn neighbors to get along just fine with them. I DO have to learn to let them have their space, individually as well as collectively, essentially leave them the hell alone...
Same token here. I don't have to approve of or like what a partner does, whether mine or someone else's... AND some part of me can still find it admirably courageous for them to do it. I can support them and get over my own narrow views...
AS for misgendering... You know what, I'm sick to death of the time pissed away typing out everything in the alphabet-soup that "misgendered" people should be straddled with. It's particularly aggravating when NOT EVEN ONE of the so-called "misgendered" people has called upon me to correct myself. IT'S ONLY A RUclips COMMENT AND EVERYONE CAN GET OVER IT...
Just like grammar-Nazis, that kind of minutia adds NOTHING to the conversation, thanks. ;o)
@@gnarthdarkanen7464 I'm here, calling on you to correct yourself because I'm trans and watching this channel for therapy. You seem VERY upset by.. I can't quite tell, what's that bit about alphabet soup? I don't get it
As sick as you are of.. Again, what was it? Just people picking apart what you say? What's minute to you is massive to someone else.
I imagine some people had to grieve when I came out, and I get it, but I don't have to deal with it. It's just so alien to me that someone can consider me as having 'died', I'm literally still here. It's so frustrating, I didn't go anywhere.
But when you're so attached to the idea of a person that you cannot let the person change, that's what happens. It happens in other situations too
Wow. I just went through all of your videos last week wondering if you ever talked about complicated grief, and then you posted this today!! It's like you knew someone needed this video at this time. Thank you so much for posting this.
I lost my mom, sister, and uncle in 2011-2012. Even though I keep going, my grief still debilitates me at times, and I find myself running away from every mention or reminder of them. It's affected my relationships with family members and the way I feel about myself and my future. My therapist recently brought up complicated grief. I hope that I can work through this with therapy, but it's so overwhelming and difficult. I can't seem to get through suggested activities such as letter writing to the deceased without flashbacks to funerals and hospital visits that leave me unable to deal with my feelings.
Thank you so much Kati Morton. These videos really help me I am going through so much loss at the moment. Again thank you so much. God bless all. ⭐️
❤️ Thanks for doing my question! ❤️
I have had complicated grief since I was 13, I’m now 42. I have been in therapy most of that time, but I have a very hard time opening up about the loss of my father. My current therapist is the first therapist I’ve been able to really talk to about it with. I also have PTSD with it, so it makes it even harder to work through. 😢 Most of our work together, up until now, has been staying grounded, as I have severe dissociation and flashbacks.
Everything you talked about was spot on with what I deal with. I was also adopted at 5 months old, so that contributed to this as well.
❤️ Thanks for doing this topic, it’s super helpful to know more about it. Not many people talk about it or know about it, in my experience anyway. ❤️
With PTSD, a therapist who is trained and experienced in trauma focused therapy is vital. EMDR can be very effective.
My sister was killed in 1997 at the age of 18 by a drunk driver. I STILL have grief on a daily basis,like it happened yesterday. When my dad passed in 2009, things got even worse. 💔😥 Pretty sure I have this.. 😥💔 It consumes me!! This is actually on my list to talk to my counsellor next time. Thank you for the video. It made me realize how severe it really is and how it has wrecked me over time. Getting the help I need now. Just starting to open up about things.
Shannon Labelle I am so sorry for your losses. Bravo to you for talking with a counselor. You are strong and brave and all the best to you.
Shannon Labelle, I echo Sarah Doan's reply: I am so sorry for your losses, and I applaud your courage in working to find a way to move through them. I'm hurting, too, and I hope there's a way through. Thank you for talking about this. I needed to hear it.
@@coralinea.1010 such is life we've all lost our loved ones in death, but life goes on, I lost my partner 3yrs ago, I understand how you feel, I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind, it'd be nice if you just say hi here is my number +1206-237-2054 😇
Sending you love, comfort and GODS strength 🙏♥️
THANK YOU for making what I consider 'my' video. I knew I had complicated grief when my body just shut down in shock and I couldn't eat. It'll be five years this August and while the body is behaving, the mind is still grieving. BEST VIDEO! Thank you for explaining this VERY complicated world so well. Much love. xoxoxox I have found emailing myself 'letters' to my loved one useful. They are incredible to look back on as life has gone from unlivable to pretty damn fabulous.
This video helped me alot identifying why I've been struggling with the sudden death of my mother, and loss of a pet shortly after. Thank you.
This is so applicable to heartbreaks also.
Love your channel!!
Thank you for this video!! Realizing now that I have not healed from my Grandmas death in highschool because it was compounded with too many other massive life changes. Going through it now in therapy in my 30's. You really gave great info about this topic.
I really needed this video, I'm experiencing and have experienced this with past trauma. Thank you so much for making this video.
My brother committed suicide 5 years ago this week and have been told that it brings complicated grief....I need to find a therapist that understands this. Very difficult.
I'm so sorry for your loss
Sorry to hear that..I have an advice to you...Grief is grief, complicated or simple are just terms..medical terms that they make up to make things complicated and drain you to the psychiatry. Grief on your own, take out all the negative emotions from your body at your own pace. Be happy, faithful, you're not alone.
That's what I sought out and found. A trauma and grief psychologist. She's wonderful. Suicide is SO, it just, I still don't know how I'm feeling about it. Give yourself TIME. Research therapists, never stop doing this. Took me four goes and I hit the jackpot after a few years. WORTH IT! HUGE progress, anorexia gone, life unfathomably fabulous and a future worth having. It's five years this year for me too. I PROMISE the right help WILL be worth it. xoxoxoxox I'm so sorry.
I'm experiencing this after an abusive relationship. Can't quite move on because of those kinds of thoughts.
Thank you so much for making this video! I recently lost my best friend and her husband to a car accident - they'd only been married for a month. It's the most difficult and painful loss I've ever gone through. I'm still processing it and I think I'm getting better, but I still get emotional at times. I get so angry at reckless drivers now. It's only been a month, but my friends seem worried about me, and I was worried that I might not be grieving "correctly", but this video helped to distinguish from complicated grief. Once again thank you so much :)
Thank you Kati for making this video. My mom passed 10 years ago on March 10th. At the time I was escaping a violent relationship as well as getting myself into a safe place. In between I had loads going on but this year I am grieving more than I ever have wishing she could see I am in a good place. I feel she is everywhere lately. Thank you for a small gesture in helping me heal. xx Love your vids!