Rescue Your Adult Self From Fanatical Parents’ Spiritual Bypassing
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- Опубликовано: 7 окт 2024
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There’s a spirit injury that happens when fanatical parents take their religious or ideological beliefs to such an extreme that they have to gaslight the kids about the nature of reality - about who is safe, and what is really happening when things feel UNSAFE, or not real, and simply not OK. This is called bypassing - where a person avoids facing what is dangerous or wrong, so that they can keep up the narrative that they alone are morally correct, and they have all the answers. Everyone has faith in something that they can’t prove, and that's not inherently bad. But it’s the lying - the parents who force you to deny what you now is true, and what is right in front of you, that can shut down your intuition and damage your instinct to thrive. In this video I respond to a letter from a man who was raised by fanatical parents, and now finds himself avoiding his own life.
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“Truth couldn’t be denied anymore” - this really resonates with me. Because of my healing and learning from and with you Anna, I’m finding more and more power and agency to state my truth in a kind but firm way and it’s changing the playing field for me.
"It's time to stop making your life a reaction to whatever happened in the past" - another great wall plaque contender!
You don't need religion to have a relationship with God.
For me it has been a journey that is ever evolving.
Also, you don’t need a belief in God to be spiritual. The older I get, the more I realize that spirituality is synonymous with emotional intelligence.
I am all too familiar with having a religious fanatical parent. My heart goes out to all the children experiencing spiritual abuse.
I’m someone who did. 🤚
yeh, my mother isn't even a fanatiscist but she truly believes that religion makes a person BETTER while not seeing any of her own shortcomings. She has an excellent technique for not seeing her flaws. Example, it's not that she hadn't the patience or empathy to listen to her daughter's perspective, no, it's that her daughter was sensitive and paranoid. Same technique works in the present too. eg, it's not that she's defensive and won't listen to her daughter's perspective, no no no it's that her daughter is entitled and aggressive having the expectation that she might be heard. And yet, here we are, a Sunday, I bet she went to church and prayed for me.
I think its better to ask "what makes life meaningful?" One can have a meaningful life in many ways.
"I'm intentional. I'm supposed to be here. I have a job to do." I'm making this into a wallet card. Thank you.
Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I had emotionally triggered asthma as a kid … when I was being beaten I wouldn’t be able to breath. Oddly this stopped no one from hitting me.
I'm sorry you experienced that
So sorry for your abuse. So happy you’re healing. I had severe emotionally induced allergies and could barely function brought on by abuse from my husband, then when I was able to get away from him it completely stopped.
😢😪😓😢😭😢😥
I'm so sorry you experienced this. It should never have happened. You deserve (d) so much more. Sending you love and light.
My Dad used to freak out about spilled milk too! I remember being so horrified and ashamed about it. It seems so silly now.
I really like what you have to say, and the fact that you identify as an AA “hanger-on” I think could be one reason why. I grew-up around sober alcoholics, I love AA. When my parents were working a twelve-step, it was the best part of my childhood.
Also wanted to say in terms of religion and spirituality, recently I found the term, “the Creator.” The word “God” has negative and painful connotations for me, but I feel that there is something greater than myself. The Creator really connected for me and so I thought I might pass it on in case it’s useful. Thank you for everything you do.
My parents were religious fanatics, too. My father was a high ranking member of a very strict cult based on abnormal levels of control on ppl's private lives. We were encouraged to show our devotion by spying on one another (even within the family) to find reasons to report 'sinners' to the hierarchy, who would, in turn, publicly shame them in front of the whole congregation for their missteps, while elevating the one who reported them on a pedestal.
We were not allowed to make friends or date 'non members'. No Christmas, nor New Year's Eve, no holidays of any kind, and no birthdays. We were forced to stay separated from the 'outside world' and to stay virgin until after the wedding. Any dating would be supervised by an adult.
Since my father was a high rank member, our family was supposed to set an example for all the rest of the congregation, so I and my sister were forced into even stricter rules than normally required. Any rule-breaking was punished with guilt-shaming, and extreme physical violence. They justified it from the Bible's ruling that parents should beat disobedient children with a stick.
My childhood was terrifying. My mother especially would often have fits of rage for no reason and start beating me out of nowhere. I was always covered in bruises, though my parents made sure to hit me only in places that would get covered by clothing, so nobody would ever see or ask questions.
I was thought that that was the will of God, and that 'rebelling' was the worst of all sins. So I spent my childhood trying to please and obey in everything. Later in life, I realized how sick this was and that this was not my fault as I have always been led to believe for so many years.
Now I reject any form of religion which I consider both the reason and the instrument of the abuse I was subjected to at the hands of those fanatics. I severed all ties with my parents who are still part of that 'thing' and keep blaming me for being an ungrateful and unloving child. Yes, I feel no love for them, cause they don't deserve it.
ALOT of folks healing from this channel...god bless you.Thankyou.❤
My parents were "Christians" yet never taught me about God or the Bible. Though you would be reprimanded for not believing in God
Hi Anna, I absolutely love your channel and have found a lot of clarity through your content. Yet, I still struggle almost daily and something you said here really got to me. I was raised evangelical (sometimes pentacostal) and my whole life I've been told that I am meant to serve a specific plan, that I'm here to help others find the truth. This has come both from my mom and "prophecies" that different pastors would speak over me in various churches through the years. Because I couldn't reconcile my internal truth with the religion I was raised in, I abandoned everything I was taught and lived inside and out as an atheist for 20 years. About 4 years ago now, I had a "spiritual awakening" and I immediately fell back into the belief that I am here for a specific purpose, and ever since then I've been doing my darndest to heal and become whoever I was meant to be. But here I am 4 years later, just completely stumped and depressed because I can't seem to get anywhere. I've learned a lot and have made so many efforts to share, to host, to hold space for people to show up and no one seems to care. It's almost as if there isn't any plan and it's just me floundering, trying things because I want to live up to this fantasy of whatever I am here to do. But, it doesn't seem to be for anyone but me. I still try, but it hurts when no one shows up. It feels like a confirmation saying, you don't matter to anyone. No one would notice if you disappeared. What do you do when you want to make meaning, but the only meaning you can come up with is that you don't actually matter the way you always thought you did? I tried to reframe that as freedom, like, maybe it's a good thing because now I don't have to worry about other people and what they think. But all my creativity involves holding space for things like dance classes, chanting, playing music, etc and it just doesn't seem to matter to anyone. My meaning making machine seems to be broken....
It sounds a little like you still hold those core beliefs that you don't matter so it's really hard to get to where you'd like to be, where you feel you could be. I don’t know what your spiritual awakening was but mine consisted of huge outpourings of grief about my lost childhood and all those awful false beliefs I'd held for so long about myself. I absolutely want better for myself for the rest of my life. THAT is what I feel is my purpose, getting to know myself and living in my authenticity as it gradually unfolds. As I have done that, been self-compassionate and self-loving, my want to help others just for the purpose of helping (rather than to try to fill the void in me to be loved) has evolved more. With boundaries! Start with yourself and building the relationship with you then see what unfolds from there. You sound like a lovely, kind person who would like to be of value and you absolutely are of value already, you just need to fully believe that and I think things will start to feel better 🫂
The sentence re: high rate of asthma in traumatized people - "we think it's related to a dysregulated nervous system," turned my head towards the screen. I have a few strange symptoms that have gotten worse over time (at least 10 years) and if it's due to a dysregulated nervouse system, I have hope I can get better. My balance is deteriorating and I'm losing coordination. I have MANY other problems as well. I have an appointment scheduled with a neurologist in February (that was the earliest appointment but of course I've waited 10 years. Actually I saw a neurologist in 2017 in addition to an OT.) But - I have hope! Thank you! I became a member of your program two days ago. Even if my balance continues to worsen, I feel a lot better after listening to many of your videos. I'm familiar with CTPSD but not as much as I thought I was. I kept thinking if soldiers could survive war - I should be healed from childhood by now (I'll be 60 in less than two weeks.) That thinking has only made me feel worse. Thank you for your work! You are a gift to me. Jan
I hope your doctor's appointment gets you solid answers on why you have these symptoms, and what they can do about it. But whatever happens at the appointment, your work in the membership to calm your nervous system day-to-day will have a very positive effect! Perhaps I'll see you on a member group coaching call soon.
Have you considered vitamin B1 (Thiamine) deficiency? It is depleted with exposure to stressors of all types .. trauma, injury, surgery, infection, mental exhaustion. Dysautonomia, neurological and digestive symptoms are hallmark B1 deficiency signs. Dysregulated nervous system is a good layperson's description. EO Nutrition channel on YT has good information if you want to look into it. Sadly, many neurologists miss the signs of B1 insufficiency .. most cases do not present as classic Beriberi or Wernicke's encephalopathy. It is estimated that 70% of Americans are somewhat borderline B1 status. Perhaps that is higher following the stressful events of the past few years. Most of the research, and development of novel forms of vitamin B1 (TTFD, Benfotiamine) is Japanese.
Thank you for your response. I take a multivitamin everyday with all the B vitamins. I have wondered, as I assess my health lately, that maybe vegetarianism has harmed my brain? I've been one for about 45 years. I would never advise anyone to stop eating meat unless they have good information on how to meet nutritional needs. I will remain vegetarian but I am always alert to information about a meatless diet and how to remain healthy.
My neurology appointment was moved to this Thursday, so maybe I will learn something then? I did consume A LOT of alcohol for two decades, so maybe it's alcohol damage?
Thank you again for responding. I think B vitamins are really important! @@susanstewart1402
@@janarleth9811 Vitamin B1 therapy requires much higher doses than those found in multivitamins. Also, many do not absorb Thiamine HCl and need the novel Japanese forms such as TTFD. Check out EO Nutrition for an understanding .. his information is reliable.
Exactly - 'throwing away the baby with the bathwater'. I was beltwhipped, screamed at regularly - all in the name of God till I was 14 when my dad realized the damage he was doing, told me he loved me, put the belt down and never whipped me again. When I was grown and had my first child, Dad and I talked about all that and about him breaking my arm when I was 4. I got to see God change Dad over time, and we had a great relationship for the rest of his life. As a result of this being beaten in the name of God though, I refused anything to do with a God like that....till I was 25 and repented of the stuff I'd been doing in rebellion against a God like that - and have had a growing, sweet relationship with a very real Jesus Christ Who is nothing like my understandable concept of God ever since. My two siblings have rejected Christianity altogether, and their lives are pretty hard. I hope they'll see someday.
Um, I wouldn’t judge your siblings so harshly. Maybe their lives are hard just because of what y’all went through. I get why they don’t believe in Christianity any more. It was the same kind of upbringing I had, and I can never believe in that 💩 again. If you’ve found meaning in your own myths, great. Good for you. But just because your siblings don’t believe in the same thing doesn’t mean that’s why they’re struggling in life.
Yes, indeed. This is familiar to my growing up in an extremely confusing church enviroment. Lots of what I would classify as an almost superstitious adherence to positive declarations, constant expectations of the supernatural and a feeling of "otherness" if I did not participate in such. That part was mostly from my dad, who meant well but was naive. Mom would go along with it, though often with rolling eyes. Now, on her side came the angry perfectionism, often resulting in name-calling and physical abuse, coupled with a weird sort of smothering control. With that my idea of parental love, the concept of a heavenly Father that loved me completely seemed impossible. Amazingly, working through all this, though, I did discover I still believe in and follow Christ, but I have had to unpack everything I was taught to reach this conclusion. I believe it does require a one on one exploration. Good, solid advice. Thank you.
Hello.
This was a ray of hope for me. I have been badly burnt by christian institutions as I know so many others have. I think your message is a reminder to me not to throw away the baby with the bathwater as you say. Faith can be so wonderful but it doesn't have to look conventional to others. Sometimes, I guess how we live out our faith values can have a far greater impact on the world than forcing ourselves into a mould that doesn't fit.
Thank you for being so honest.
People leave church to save their souls
❤
I had a severe lack of development and confidence (not sure which one was the cause and effect, though i think probably the former)
with women when i was younger and used to try to talk about it with my relatives.
It was always dismiissed as unimportant and that it would just go away, that i have "plenty of time" and its "never too late", and that one day the "right one" would magically turn up in my life when im older.
My grandmother specifically said God would provide so dont worry about it.
I knew rhis was all bullshit
Anyway going forward to 40 years old and still single - my grandmother asked me "are you married yet"?
Me "no"
She looked at me confused and was speechless.
When i tried to explain how things are she just looked shocked and seemed unable to process it or communicate
As for my other relatives, rhey literally dont seem to care - and some even say im living in a time warp,
Im 49 now and still single - and theres no way im talking about it ever again because its just too embarrassing at this point that i would still even care about it.
By the way, i do care a lot less now and im a lot more confident, this would have been inpossible without going to the amazon jungle and doing ayahuasca.
Thats a whole other topic that is too big for this thread
Peace to you. I get it.
I discovered your Channel about 6 months ago, and I've watched so very many videos. Your sincerity and wisdom has helped me a great deal. Thank you.
Smart Recovery is a much better option for someone with religious trauma to deal with addictive tendencies than a 12 step program.
My parents were fanatical and severely extreme. My mom was not as much and so when parents divorced my step mom and dad were insane and my mom was more normal. I never want to be like that.
I just came across one of your videos by chance on my feed and decided to click on it. There was something inside of me that just forced my finger to click. I spent most of my day binge watching your videos while going through all these different emotions. Even crying from what felt like the depths of my soul. It was the start of my healing. I feel like you are talking to directly to me. Like you know who I am. It is so comforting. I’ve never heard anyone say the things you say and have the perspective that you have. I can bet that you have changed many many lives. I am so grateful to you. This is only the very beginning for me but I feel such a connection to your content and I just want to say thank you. Thank you for taking the time to share this with people because this is truly life changing.
You’re very kind. I’ll make sure Anna reads your note. Thank you for taking the time to write your comment!
Nika@TeamFairy
I know no-one is perfect, I believe my parents set me up to fail , I always believed in seeing the good in people, till a narcissist wasted 15 years of my life - my Mother rubs it in - told you so - when she never said anything , my Father hasn't talked to me in over a year - and right when I needed them - as my eldest son was killed at 31 years of age 3 years ago. I no longer have the love or respect I once had for them.
I am in survival mode with God , that and my younger son and grandchildren ( in a different country ) are all I have - I am isolating to heal. I'm tired and happiest with a dog and cat for company - they love unconditionally. It is so hard to keep going - I no longer like this game of life - karmics or not , feels like all my seasons were the right places with the wrong people. I just try to live one day at a time - Dark night of the soul , scapegoat , black sheep - all labels , all experiences - I hope it's all worth it in the end. Sad we come into the world alone, and that's how we leave. Me , I'm just broken.
Spending time with Jesus letting the wounds heal from the inside out. It will be better if you lay it all down for the one who Carries every burden. I have found joy and freedom after many hard things. You have All of heaven behind you and with you if you will let the healing in. I realized as bad as mine things were, there is always someone who had of WAY worse. I’m alive, I’m in one piece, I have breathe, I have something to live for and purpose.
Tell yourself who you are in Christ in the mirror until you reboot your identity in Him. That narcissist best you down and probably you fell very empty.
Well that’s a great starting point to fill up the right stuff now!
my parents were like this. ''wishful thinking''. This is it. My mum picks a narrative she can cope with and that's the version of reality that the rest of us *have to accept*
This may not sound so awful. But in order to maintain their interpretation of events, my parents attribute flaws on to me. eg, it's not that they had no patience or empathy, no no no, it's that their daughter is ''sensitive''. and now, it's not that she is defensive, no no no, it's that I hurt her. It's not that they hurt *me* no no no it's that her pain is real and mine is a grude. It's not that she has zero conflict resulution skills, no no no it's that I'm ''angry'' and it's outrageous that I had the expectation that I might be heard.
I have asthma too! f gs.
This exactly what happened to me. The church enables women and especially mothers to act like this. Like whatever menopausal feeling or inclination they have is THE VOICE OF GOD.
I still stuck with it for awhile, after a break. Then I switched over to Orthodoxy. Now I'm thinking about retiring from the whole scene in general. Everybody's a narcissist, in and outside the Church. Saving mankind is my toxic and enabling behavior. I think I'm just going to let people eat each other's.
@@Poodle_Gun well, not sure about that! I'm 53 but I have a bit of self-awareness which is key. I suppose that's what oneness with God means to mean. A lack of self-delusion, no matter how comforting it is. My mother (and father) have taught me how not to react to my teenagers if they give me feedback.
~This was a great video, and perfectly timed for me!!!~I was shamed growing up for not having blind faith in stuff that made no sense, and told youre not supposed to question God, however, now i am very much 'a God person'(i LOVE that term of yours & use it all the time!)~Finding our purpose is tricky, but sooo vital!~☆~
I grew up the same way, but for me I’m very NOT a God person because of my experience.
@@CarrieMHB222 ~I wasnt either, for many decades, but i found a perspective that makes sense to me, and that i believe in~As long as i dont get around Bible thumpers telling me im gonna burn in a lake of fire, i do pretty well with it~That extreme talk turns me away, so i no longer allow it~
I have to add one more thing though I could say at least 10 more things in agreement with you - thank you for being clear about the damaging effects of alcohol. My parents didn't have substance abuse disorders but all four of their chidlren did/do. I've had long periods of sobriety throughout my life and don't drink now. I go to AA with an awareness of an HP but can't get clear about what an HP is. Anyway - I worked in drug and alcohol policy in government for several years and yes - the only place I can say alcohol is ok is a small amount in religious or other cultural ceremonies. It's a neuro-toxin. A toxin I over consumed for years and maybe caused my poor balance and coordination? Thank you for making it clear that alcohol is not good for the body at all. Jan
I am a Christian. I am almost certain there are always 20% on average extremist/fanatics in every religion. Some form their own.
So it’s important to NOT lump 80% of Christians and Christianity as a whole into fanatics. Some of these comments lump all religion into fanaticism.
Fanatic means “a person filled with excessive and single-minded zeal, especially for an extreme religious or political cause.” That’s not majority of Christians.
So in a normal Christian home you would see many positive blessings from clean living, devout biblical following and experience a happy healthy family.. but..
Fanatic is totally different.
Please be clear what it is and isn’t, and for those lumping all religion, which is not me, I’m a Jesus follower; people- Please reassess and correct.
You can find radical/ fanatics in just about every religion. They are one off, even could be dangerous like HAMAS or ISIS, or communes, or cults or sects.
Fanaticism is not the normal religious followers.
I'm not my daughter Brianna but a lot of the things she's been around is a sprit battle because it's just always been that type of battle in the Black community.
Ok, I can see this is here.
Thanks for sharing your sense of having a purpose, that’s so inspiring. My circumstances seem impossible on the surface but if I take each moment at a time there seems to be less resistance. I need to get back to doing the writing practice too.
For people with CPTSD doing one thing at a time or one thing daily can be the best way to have the things done. Slower is faster! And I definitely encourage you to do the writing practice. Good luck!
Nika@TeamFairy
People, please remember if nothing else, that life is of the earth. From the elements of the Universe. The periodic table is our holy grail. We grew eyes to see what we are and what we come from. Our appreciation and awe of the beautiful sights on earth is us. It's in our DNA. Everyone can take this course. Take a walk with our dogs and loved ones. It is our fallback religion. Our common denominator. Hope this helps. 😎G
So... you still think you live in a globe and there is universe "out there"? This is called indoctrination. Wake up from one dream at a time.
You can't have a "relationship" with a being of make believe that you have never met even once... and never talks back ever!
I’m learning about mast cells. And having an over active nervous system can be connected with histamines and having mast cells being overactive. This increases allergies and the chemical issues of being bothered by man made pollutants that are sprayed around you and on everything we touch. I’m a hairstylist. And about ten years in now I have topical dermatitis and can barely handle even being in the salon anymore. I get migraines from all the smells products cleaning solutions and perfum from coworkers and clients.. I want to work in healthy skin care now more than ever!! But focusing on anti histamines/magnesium/meditation can help with calming the body and mind. There are essential oil inhalers out there too. Do the research before you just buy. Peppermint/eucalyptus/black seed oil is amazing for respiratory issues!!!
Any 10-12 steps program always goes towards divine power... even when people go after their high-selves... there is always that "power" bigger than you... this is basically "to believe in something god-like". Sorry. From all good advice you give CCF, this wasn't one. People are free to believe in anything they want... and when they can't have a real conversation with someone, because the other part is always appealing to unreasonable imaginary friends, they should refrain from new pointless conversation with them. Go for your new business... drinking stops when you dig into new interests. Give yourself a chance!
I'm not a believer, but the science is pretty clear that belief in a higher power has net positive personal and social effects.
The most damaging thing a person can do is stop believing in anything they cannot prove, that's why so many "philosohers" die from suicide, syphilis, and social isolation.
Placebos are both real and not real at the sane time, cynics need to deal with that before trying to justify their own misery by spreading it.
Very insightful....
Actually I agree - none of us have any business drinking. I've learned it most like an acid that slowly burns away everything good in people's lives. Alcoholics just turn it up to 11 so the acid burns it away faster. HOWEVER, I 100% DO NOT agree with imposing this view on others. If they are adults, IMO they should be free to make the decision for themselves. I HATE the idea of prohibition and will vote against it. SO while I believe no one should ever drink alcohol, I respect adults right to drink it if they want to.
Depressing is from drinking and leading to temper tantrums in 70 year men who refuses to recognize that his denial is damaging all relationships unless your a alcoholic compulsive siblings that also have anti social personality and control issues that have been treating like normal.
Yes! Adults who talk in baby talk, OMG I hear that and I get as far away as humanly possible and do not trust that person farther than I could throw them. Is there anything more inauthentic?
I don’t really think it’s gonna be very helpful to share this non-scientific approach to healing to this person you are mentioning … I usually find your takes how around your personal spiritual believes helpfully insightful- but in your example with the sperm and the egg u could have just pointed to the biological processes that lead to fertility… i just mean your explanation is not proof that there is “something higher” and that there is an entity or thing that is “seeing” us at all.
This Comment of the Man really reminded me of my own parents, who were very much believers in god and I think they used there spirituality in a toxic way to parent me too. So this video might have triggered this reaction but I needed to share my thoughts on this to see what you or others might think about my point of view: Spiritual should come naturally and isn’t something you should necessarily be looking for… Why? Because I would fear that we manipulate ourselves into thinking there is a deeper meaning behind things that don’t really I entail it… also I really do think truth is actually what we are looking for, when we are believing in some spiritual impression we are having. So again… I just don’t think this is the right approach here. I really hope you can go back to giving out tips that don’t trigger people with spiritual trauma. Thx for your understanding
Your triggers are yours, and you can heal them, which is far more efficient than trying to make strangers not trigger you. Stick around. The videos talk about healing, but to do it, (if you want to do what we do here) is to use the Daily Practice. Only thing I ever found that helped me, and as a bonus, it helps deactivate your triggers. THAT is freedom.
For me spirituality was a missing piece. I quit drinking, was eating right, exercise, yoga, relaxation and meditation. So physical, emotional and mental were good. I have a malignant narcissistic father that stained and made me hate church and religion. Anyways, when I stopped neglecting spirituality, I found the most healing. All four, physical care, mental care emotional care and spiritual care are the things I focus on.
@CrappyChildhoodFairy
Love this response. We cannot prevent others from triggering us. We have to get clear (not scientology) and learn ourselves. ❤❤❤
What if it isn't religion, but from denial and use of substances.
Have you written a book? I would love to buy it
Thank you for your interest in reading Anna's book! Anna is currently writing a book and it will be available next year.
Nika@TeamFairy
💜
what if the Creator was ...the Magician 🤔
No reason to work for what? Not allowed to do anything or have anything.
Will you be kind enough to explain what you have said . English is not my first language .
To me it sounds you feel raped or tied and you see no reason to do anything .Do i misunderstand you ?
Defeated. Just waiting for the mortal kombat: "finish him". Shake the dust and find your way, dude!
My Dad used to freak out about spilled milk too! I remember being so horrified and ashamed about it. It seems so silly now.