Excellent advise for this brave young lady. I was in a similar situation when growing up and I know all these dating stories first hand. She wrote this letter so she already knows in her heart that the way she was raised was wrong, that she was betrayed by her mother and that she deserves more in this live. If you read this: Keep going from there, keep learning and healing. You’ll be amazed by what you’re able to do once you’ve trained yourself to set boundaries. Good luck on your journey!
I'm convinced that strict parenting is the laziest form of parenting. Literally says I'm not letting you do anything under the guise of 'protection' and doing 'whats best' when in reality it means the parents don't want to deal with anything that requires effort or actually bringing up a human being who has no experience in the world.
Yes Amen to that. As a parent one should grow with the kids,have conversations,be vulnerable,guide them day in day out Not set up rules and restrictions like kids are animals. Parenting is an on going project….
My mother was like this and later diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I went no contact. It was the only way to heal and stop her from taking advantage of me. I remember her getting super mad at me one time when I called her out about not saying please and thank you. She claimed, "That doesn't matter." Then I said, "If it doesn't matter, why do you always insist on it from me?" Narcs are black holes, not worth wasting time or energy trying to please because you never will. Put that energy toward you.
I went no contact on mine a year ago and they both literally stalk me. I'm in my 40s. Both psycho parents show up to my house, they call my friends, they show up at my work. It's at to the point where I might have to get the police involved. Anyone have any suggestions? Narcissis can't take the hint what else is there for me to do but restraining orders?
@@EnliveningJusticeyou need to 'grey rock' them; and personally I would file restraining orders. Marcus don't take the hint ever. It has to be solid hard boundaries with them. I have 30+ years experience with one.
I was treated like a Second class citizen since I was born.. my mothers biggest enemy and competition..I’ve spent my life being an overachiever.. thin, pretty, smart, driven and all I attract are takers and users and rejectors. I’m now 52 and three times divorced and I think I’d rather die than ever open myself to any more hurt.. I got a dog and he loves me
You sound so much like me, I’m 59 years old and i can’t heal my wounds and I know I have to stopped communicating with my family (mom& her clones) Blessings
@@elviamunguia8397Only the hope is that you CAN heal your wounds in part. It's for you (and me, in my case) to decide, attempt, and I know it starts with letting go of some things/people/places/lousy assumptions and fantasies and keeping the focus on ourselves, developing a NIV (nurturing inner voice) and a capital 'S' Self to help with our wounded/reactive/confused and sometimes almost not very conscious inner parts and behaviors (I also like IFS therapy)-- and the feelings (like fear/doubt/insecurity/rage and all or nothing thinking, etc). I'm glad others are here walking this healing path with me -- who at least want to be honest to themselves and to 'grow up and wake up' -- no matter the cptsd, and all. Life doesn't have endless chances....some of us are older than you even!! Each day has a present moment -- and presence in it. Sometimes I start again...realizing that, over and over! Sincere best wishes. I too want to not make the same mistakes with the wrong people.
I can certainly relate to the mother's reaction to the bullying. I would get bullied out of the home, as well as at home. It took me many years to figure out that my mother was terrified of dealing with the world outside her dysfunctional little kingdom. She had no idea that there could be any other response to anger, her own as well that of others, except violence. She worked hard to put on an "I'm normal" act. She was terrified of confrontation and of having others see the real her. She set a horrible example, which, at seventy years old, I'm still trying to unpack. I won't ever give up trying, though
This was so triggering to hear. Dear fellow human who was abused as a child, walk away. You deserve to have a good life and you will not have it if you don't walk away from your mother. Set boundaries, go further your education, go get fancy clothes, go travel to distant countries, go find yourself. I am 40 and I am doing exactly that. Start. It is time. I myself have started not so long ago. And find a good therapist. To me, it is essential. They will never love us, Kirstie. They never have, they never will. They might even think that they do, but mothers like that will not really love anyone. Good luck, cheers, love.
Your comment hit me, I needed to read that ❤ im still living with my parents as a 22 year old and every day think about moving out. Its hard for me to find stable job with lack of energy, motivation and will to live. I dont think im worth the money and Im scared of rejection…
Bounderies are soooooo important. And we really do teach people how to treat us by our boundary setting and keeping them OR by our lack of bounderies. So many of us were taught it was wrong to set bounderies for ourselves and only parents had that right.
I saw an interview with Dr. Ramini and Juliet Landau (daughter of actors Martin Landau and Barbra Bain) and Landau said something about how as a child of two narcissists, one has to preform well enough to not be an embarrassment but at the same time is never allowed to outshine the narcissist. I'd add that you are never even allowed to reveal the potential to outshine the narcissist. I thought Landau described that no-mans-land the children of narcissists are trapped in very aptly. Also the standards of what constitutes an embarrassment shift as well. I spent my whole life overhearing my mother describe her kids to others as always failing miserably in some respect. Clearly my mother considered us kids to be good enough not to truly be an embarrassment, but always kept 'not good enough' and as such perpetual burdens to her as a long suffering mother. Just as a note: All her kids graduated from college, got jobs that supported themselves independently, none of her five daughters ever got into trouble in any way, did drugs, got pregnant out of wedlock, or could even be accused of being rude or disruptive in any way. Our worst crime (only me actually) was standing up for myself when being mistreated. Three out of her five daughters married men who were equally decent, with very good, responsible jobs. The other two have successful careers (although, no surprise, don't achieve as much as they could and stay stuck being dumped on) . I'm the big loser in the family struggling financially because I chose to live a simple life in an economically depressed part of the 'country' on 50 acres of woodland in beautiful, peaceful Vermont. Seriously, I'm here because I'm hiding from narcissists, no joke. I also recently discovered after all these years, I'm dyslexic. Not that my mother bothered to wonder if there might be a reason why someone with an IQ around 130 with no obvious sabotaging issues might be struggling. Her narrative needed losers and so a losers must be found or created.
Re: “what was going on with the mom?” I was treated in a nearly identical fashion by my own mother who is a narcissist with OCPD. The excessive strictness serves multiple purposes for people like this. Controlling the child’s environment is an extension of controlling their own environment. It minimizes the chance of the child inconveniencing them. Excessive restriction also helps a narcissist isolate their victim from more supportive influences so they can more successfully control and gaslight them. The entitled attitude of Kirsti’s mom does look to be another narcissism flag as well. We can’t know for sure, but regardless my heart goes out to Kirsti!
My female biological parent also never said "please," "thank you" or "I'm sorry" to me in her life. Now when I meet people who have trouble saying these everyday courtesies, an alarm goes off.
My mother behaved like this, I kept getting hurt expecting her to realize how wrong she was, until I realized that she never will so I decided that she was too toxic for me and I cut contact with her completely. Turns out my mother has narcissistic traits and that is the reason why she is not able to connect with me. Not saying that your mom is narcissistic or that you need to cut contact with her. However, you need to focus on yourself and follow through with your promises and your decisions to yourself and start a journey towards healing.
Lack of boundaries comes from lack of self love and one main reason we have lack of self love is because our view of ourselves is so distorted from the abuse and lack of love from the parent and because we’ve been conditioned to gaslight our own feelings. If she can distance herself from the mother and protect herself with strong boundaries long enough to let the inner child’s emotions finally be felt, she can heal💙🙏🏽
So in reference to the letter writer's enmeshment with her mother, a pretty good book to help understand the dynamic is The Good Daughter Syndrome: Help For Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter by Katherine Fabrizio.
I can see and hear threads of my own life running through this writer's letter. My mother wasn't this extreme in her behaviors, but she could be occasionally. And how did I behave...? pretty much like the letter writer did. It's been a few years now since my mum passed away and I'm no contact with the rest of my family. And I am finally starting to heal and feel happy!! Finally, I get it. To put it simply, I am entitled to disappoint people. I am entitled to be selfish and self serving if i so choose. Although, in the past I could be quite strong-willed, fundamentally the motive for my behaviors was outward facing - can I be noticed, be loved, can they 'keep me safe'....? It's still a work in progress, and always will be, but once you see it, you can't unsee it. And my heart absolutely breaks for those folk who are having huge difficulties because the development of their sense of agency has been crushed by their family.
Uggggggghhhhhh, stories like this, thanks ONCE AGAIN, to piss poor, abusive, neglectful, failure to be held accountable parenting, always pisses me off. Just listening to what she went through, thoroughly explains why she went through all that she went through. I can relate to her situation, in a lot of ways to her. Textbook narcissism in this case.
I’m no therapist but sounds like the mother was traumatised herself or shut down of all her emotions. I feel that single mothers often can not carry the burden and become so anxious/depressed/unregulated and passes on to kids. I’m Trying to make sense of it all at 56 and trying to remember things from my own childhood to get answers but it’s all blocked. I hope this lady can turn her life around and protect herself
Kristi thank you for sharing your story, something I would add from an attachment perspective, the part of you that wanted to see this guy again even after he mistreated you, is a 'child' part that has become attached to him. When as children we are not given much care and warmth by our caregivers, as soon as we get it in some form later on even if it's not great, the child part will get attached. I have gone through this myself and I support people with this. The best thing I can recommend it to start working with a therapist that specializes in childhood attachment trauma. As you learn to support that younger part and realize how amazing you are, that you just didn't get the right care from your environment growing up, how you see yourself will change and who you will be attracted to will change as well. All the best!
Wow, that's amazing you said about that. A few years back, I was like this with a male friend who I volunteered with. I would follow him around like a child attached to a parent! He knew I was going through some men tal health issues at the time and I actually said that I feel like a child following you around! I had no control over it and he was very good about it.....
Sadly my my mother was the same, she became violent if you experienced any childhood issues like being bullied or even something simple like falling off a bike and getting a scraped knee A violent rage would follow so it was always a double trauma for me, very confusing behavior. It destroys your sense of self worth before you can even develop one. Started calling me 5 x a day once she hit her late 70's with all of kinds of drama . I finally kicked her to the curb an life is so much better now. My greatest regret was not doing it sooner. I let her hang around and drag me down hoping I could get a shred of decency out of her like all the crappy friends , lovers and employers I tolerated as well. It's a long road to healing and recovery..but I couldn't have done it without no contact
I really admire you for making it through. My mother was similar. Flew into rages continually and was physically violent with me even when I was an adult. I finally went no contact in my 40's. The guilt was devastating and still is sometimes. I was so relieved when she passed away in her 80's. A huge weight was lifted. Long healing journey for me and my siblings. God bless.
her mom was handled and warped, I saw this before, my mom did alot of same to me, I am 54 now, how I pray for this gal in love. Mom has clear DID. Trauma base as well. Ugly dysfunctions. pray for releases and make boundaries from this. My birth family ripe, my mother passed not long ago and finally I am able to see better with Anna's help.. So thankful. I hope we all get free.
I initally read this as "Keep Getting Jacked" and realized I should hit the gym more :) I'm glad content like this exists so I don't go overboard trying to people please.
Sounds like my mom! I was her slave for most of my younger years, never letting me go to high school because it was an excuse for me to be a street girl, she never left me date! Till I meet my ex husband and left, of course when I asked for her blessing, she didn’t give it to me. I always help her when she needed money, now she is more than rich, im about to die of stomach cancer and when I asked her to help me pay my car because I can’t work anymore…. She told me that they could help me if I was back in her country and her house! No! I have my kids and grandkids, I love my family, but I learned the hard way how not to begging for love! If you beg for it isn’t love, is pity!
Oh gosh, totally had forgotten that one. My mom always cautioned me not to act/dress like a 'street girl'. I never dressed outragious in any way. It was probably just a tank top and shorts or so, I can't remember but for sure it was normal and more mundane than you see young women wearing today. So sad your mom refuses to help you now when you need it most!
To be honest I never understood where my traumas come from, I listen to these stories and I cannot say that I had a bad childhood, I never had bad parents, but at the same time I spent so many years people pleasing and uncapable to set boundaries.
Maybe look up enmeshment trauma? These are often severe cases. But children don't need severe abuse to be traumatised. Sometimes, wrong methods by the most well meaning parents can create destructive patterns, or likely so, unhelpful behaviours in adulthood. So, you might want to (re) learn helpful behaviours, teach yourself like you would teach a child... Hope it helps
Our self image many times comes from messages (spoken or unspoken) from someone significant in our youth. I am a senior now and a student of psychology. Everyone, has a programming, scripting message, that with the right questioning reveals it. One friend, says Mom said never to get married. She unhappily followed suit. Another friend's Mom said, "Be a Nun". She, as a 7 year old scoffed at this suggestion, but is living her life as a modern Sister Teresa. These early messages and expectations are extremely powerful. Abuse is not required. As a people pleaser myself, I have realized that with me, it is based on deep fear and FEAR has been the dominant emotion in my life. I fear the hatred in someone's face if I should displease them. Guess what? In a weird sense, I have dealt with MY hatred that I have been repressing. Life is a layered journey. Peace.
My husband's parents never abused or physically neglected him. Nice people, helpful, never yelled. But both of them were very emotionally closed off, especially his mother. Sometimes to the point of being cold. No asking about your day, or offering details about mine, etc. My husband is avoidant and emotionally distant because of it. Even though he acknowledges his family's emotional coolness and sees how it's effected him, he isn't quite able to see it as emotional neglect because he wasn't overtly abused, as I was. Sometimes people imagine abuse and neglect as only the extremes, or they don't want to think of themselves as victims or the parents they love as abusers. Even loving, well meaning parents can do harmful things.
To be quite honest with you, this sounds almost identical to my mom with Borderline. Her being mad that you had a boundary over YOUR OWN APARTMENT, and the fact that she calls you 7 times a day may be telling that she has a fear of abandonment, plus the ENTITLEMENT she has is very telling of some sort of personality disorder like BPD/NPD, etc.
I get it - I struggled with boundaries with my mom and others. By far, the most helpful book on this for me was "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. It has been out a long time, but don't let that keep you from reading it. I highly recommend the chapter titled something like: Our Impossible Mothers. This book transformed my life, slowly and definitely not overnight, but after reading it, I finally "got it", I understood what I had to do. I hope that you do to - you deserve a good life!
I used to meet men in hotels after online chatting. I bought clothes for my mother and went with her on trips, to get her love. But I learnt later on in life she gossiped about my dating life to the extended family members and did backbiting. I thought I liked those men, but I learnt later it was self sabotage. I can relate to her story. I think it's because of the lack of physical closeness with my parents. My father betrayed me too. I was ready to pay any price to be physically close to someone, atleast someone was ready to be with me and give me attention.
My mother was the same. Cold one minute, then screaming in my face. I don't know what she did all day either because she would kick us outside at dawn and lock the door. I messed my pants on the porch one day when she wouldn't answer my knocking, and then she yelled at me for the mess. I was so embarrassed. The neighbor boy saw me. I was 5.
Veru sad -- understandable how much suffering can happen....not your fault at 5 or otherwise. My wish is for you and all to have far better parenting -- from others and eventually from inside ourselves.... My heart goes out to you, and I'm glad to be with people who are facing the realities that were their lives and trying to do much better with themselves and with others. Sincere best wishes.
Im 25 this sounds very similar to my life up until now. I’ve been healing and doing the work but I think the hardest part about all of this is the shame that comes along with it! Feeling like an idiot or like “something is wrong with you” after rejection. And then i would go back into the same situations just to be like “see i am worthy it was just them” we have got to stop taking things so personally of course a knucklehead guy would love to sleep with you! 😂 and just because he doesn’t fall head over heels doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of that. It’s our jobs to protect ourselves from unserious people instead of trying to please them. And looking back i just know id be scaling the walls trying to get out of the relationships i so desperately wanted to be in.
I found this really interesting. I think the crappy childhood fairy is a remarkably good, wise, and helpful woman. I hope people will learn from her. I wish I had had some kind of supportive man to give me sound advice when I was a young adult. Perhaps I wouldn’t have listened anyway, but it might have made a big difference in my life
There are so many alcoholics on these videos. My parents, my friends' parents no one I knew then or now was alcoholic. My mother managed to be full of negativity, judgements, criticism without being alcoholic.
Yes, relatable (only in my case, those words apply to a father.) I realized at some point, if my life is going to be different, I was the one who was going to have to 'grow myself up and wake myself up' --- because denial, just acting out and all the downstream grief, toxic sh-t, horrid consequences from the world catching up with their patterns and making it worse often...well, having it be different is up to me and what I can learn ad practice. Hence, here.
Sounds like the mother has a cluster B thing going on. My mother is very similar. I'm finally in a place where I am not giving everything anymore and setting boundaries. She and several other people are not happy about that but I do 👏 not 👏 care 👏
@@clonejones7955 this comment section is filled with people who recognize similarities in their own situations, offering ideas about the mother's pathology. Lots of opinions and insights, which aren't armchair diagnoses but certainly paint a fuller picture of what *might* be going on. My traumatic family dynamics are very different from Kirsti's but I found some excellent insights here reading others' stories and ideas about the letter writer's family dynamics. Sometimes the gems are hidden, and staying open to finding them can be a key to healing.
There are many similarities between my mother and the ine in the story. When my parents had their court ordered therapy, my mother was diagnosed as bipolar and refused treatment. As the world is learning more about trauma and i am too, i think she also had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that meant she was ready neither for marraige nor childrearing.
I think something that wasn’t addressed was that your dad abused but told you through others (zero effort) that he “loved you.” I think the thing is like accepting the bare minimum
The whole time you were talking about the mom, I was wondering if that's how I treat my sister. Every time I think I'm getting answers I just get more questions. I think my headstone will say, "I actually had a few more questions"
It took me years to realize how naive I am. I’ve always wanted to find someone but it’s tiering when it’s a one way street. My mother would have done the same thing to me if I had allowed it. So glad I moved far away.
Wow this story sound like my life...my mom never let me go outside and I had to be by her side all the time.. I was not allowed a boyfriend ever...So I snuck and got a boyfriend at 14 that was severely abusive...he wanted me to listen to him and if not he would beat me..I would get home and my mom would beat me for not listening to her...I was mute for many years...I got married at 18 and all I knew was if I was nice and look pretty,my marriage would work...I had to take care of my mom financially at 16 till today..and I am mentally drained...my mom suffered from mental illness so I understand her behavior now
I am so sorry to hear about your journey through things. Abuse all along the way. I hope you are getting support in learning and practicing new self-respecting patterns and leaving abusive relationships. setting healthy boundaries, etc. Glad you are here searching with others of us -- for new patterns, ways, self-understanding and approaches in life.
She has self esteem issues which definitely come from how her mother raised her.... I would recommend her not to date at this time and just focus on her healing through Trerapy and the 12 steps.... She needs to heal the 8 year old scared little girl inside her like I am trying to heal the 12 year little boy in me after being molested by a "friend"...
My mother wasn't quite as self-absorbed or mean as this young woman's mother, but ... I'll put it this way. I'm 70, have been learning about what I now call CPTSD, for the last few decades. And I STILL have to work harder to feel my own pain, than to "feel" my mother's. I was in my 60s when I actually cried for myself, for my own deprivation as a child. She's dead now, and all our lives my brother and I heard about how hard our parents' upbringings were. They were, but damn it, that doesn't make it okay to dismiss or ignore one's own child's pain. I became an alcoholic people-pleaser. I’m 20+ years free of that; the people-pleasing took longer than losing the booze. We never talked about it, her alcoholism, my dad's philandering, none of it. They pretended for so long that my brother and I were the only real problems they had. Dear God what an act they put on. I would tell this young woman, do what you can to regain touch with yourself, so you can deeply grieve what you were denied, and then be able to move on, to act like a woman too valuable to parcel herself out for others' convenience. You will realize one day you have become the woman you were meant to be. I have. Not done, but well underway. I'm one hell of a catch.
Her mother may be in the early stages of Dementia. The several calls, the idea that her daughter does not care about her... Classic signs she may be hallucinating. They need to see a neurologist.
Especially if there’s been a sudden dramatic increase in the number of calls per day. My Gram did that because she forgot she just called an hour ago. And she’d be crying because she “just found out” major family news (babies, weddings) that we’d told her about and thought we were all holding out on her . But this mom in the letter has a long history of crossing boundaries, you can have dementia overlayed in other issues, of course
I hadn't talked to my mom in years. One day I was in my basement and I heard the downstairs back door creek open. This really scared me, and it was her. I said " what are you doing here? You are violent and need to go." She grabbed my arm squeezing it tightly with her bony witch fingers, pointing out a small bruise on my arm that I had gotten from my puppy. " You are violent!" She said and kept scratching and groping me. I had to push her off. Shocking because I was well into adulthood at the time.
I'm so sorry you went through this. My violent mother also hit me when I was well into adulthood. She was a rageaholic. She got some sort of kick or release out of it. It greatly affected me and my siblings. When I read or hear about people who are close with their mothers, I can't even relate. My mother was a nightmare.
I feel so bad rn. Just when I thought I was escaping my people pleasing tendencies I realised its still there. I contacted a psychologist here in my home country and its so costly. I'm so tired. Its hard.
Mom does has serious problems. Its not you even though it feels like your fault. Its the pattern. Too close to her. I moved to another state and was better. Mom if not a alcoholic or drug addict she needs help. But your recovery is yours. Its fun once you kick free.
When you take an abusive parent on trips and buy them expensive gifts you are simply rewarding bad behavior. Get your house key back or change the locks.
The mom never wanted her and thinks her daughter owes her for years of lodging and food as a child. Sounds like the mom has a secret addiction drugs sex or even resentment something is going on. She should move away and not give her mom the new address just go visit her mom.
I TOTALLY AGREE with RowanRiverstone!!!! you need to move FAR AWAY from your mother. read the book Toxic Parents,+ so many others. I'm 3000 miles away- best thing l ever did!! take all the money you've spent on her, + save up (in silence) for an apartment 1/2 way across the world!! get therapy, a new job, a new life--one without ANY contact w/ mom . tell no one. I spent so many years in tears because of talking to my mother- it makes me shiver!!! forget the guys for right now, you need to work on you. Do civic activities , volunteer at the animal shelter...take a sculpting class , find a hobby you like... FIND YOU--- far away from the toxic family. it NEVER changes!!! all the best to you
She unfortunately desperate for love. She needs self love and boundaries. And should move far away from her mother. Also therapy is very important. She's young and can change. By the way you can't change people around you, but you can change ❤ Also she's doing somekind of self-fulfilling prophecy...
I wonder if there is an correlation between Kirsti having to sneak out at night to date as a teen and then asking this guy over in the middle of the night. Maybe that’s the habit/normal built in from that season?
I understand that people say “you need to respect yourself and not put out and wait three months that’s why this is happening” But it really isn’t… I know a girl who got out of a 10 year relationship and just wanted to casually date and met a guy and slept with him within two hours and he treats her like a queen and they were married a year later and had a child a year after that and she didn’t do anything different besides get lucky with the guy she did it with so I really can’t help but believe sometimes blaming girls in these situations for “their part” is a little bit victim blaming
I don't know what's going on with that mother... ...but I can say that she is emotionally immature and can't have a proper relationship, whether it be with her children or anyone else.
Unfortunately for me the dysfunction followed me as I was in denial that the toxic was left behind. It took a few relationships and discovered the narcissistic personalities that I educated myself, made a big decision to cut out those individuals permanently who had already dumped me anyway and it’s all good because everyone has the right to decide who should be in their life, including me. I want to thank those individuals for letting me know what they really thought of me even if it was done in a cruel way, sometimes learning the hard way wakes us up, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m learning about myself through all this and regardless of what anyone thinks I have the right to breathe the same air as everyone else so na na na na na na 🤪😜
I finally set boundaries- went no contact with both my parents. They are desperate to get their slave girl back and they literally stalk me. They haven't gotten the hint so far and it's been 11 months of no contact. They're still knocking on my door and sending letters and showing up at my job. I'm 43! What do I have to do? Move to another state?
I would consider to move again, not in another state but in a house they cannot find. And to not give the address neither to relatives nor to friends. And if they still keep going on, I would seriously consider to talk to the police... Stalking is a crime, even when it's family
STOP HAVING SEX WITH PEOPLE WHO AREN'T YOUR SPOUSE!!!!! If you don't have a spouse yet, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED!!!! Men want sex, and that's never going to change. Women want relationships, and that's never going to change. If you give a man sex before the relationship, he has no reason to move the relationship forward. He has what he wants. You should get what you want, you do that by making him wait. No matter how hard it is.
This is a whole different topic because women literally have to walk on eggshells dealing with men. Men are predators by nature. Why is it that no one really tells men how to have integrity and discipline??? Everything is always on women yet, no one holds men accountable. This is exactly why there are so many womanizer’s and abusers. Men need to do shadow work and heal themselves.
I think its better to say stop having sex with people who aren't looking for something serious. Cause if sex is all the person wants it doesn't matter if its a few months or not, they'll leave when they get it or when they feel it's not worth waiting for. Don't use sex to form a bond, get that bond first and use sex to enhance it.
@EliTheAlien A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Reality doesn't care how we see things. Reality just is. You must change to it because you don't have the power or authority to change reality. Marriage not seen as "till death" wouldn't be marriage. I dont know what that is called, but by definition, it's not marriage.
Getting on the other side of trauma can be fun. I live in a rural New England community where everyone knows everyone and they are all related some how......so, there was this middle aged man, (brother of my friend's boyfriend) with a recognizable local surname, who had been pulling into my driveway on odd nights during the summer to sniff around my petticoats. So to speak. Well I really was not interested, gave all that nonsense up when I turned 50. Not sure it even works. Long about the end of October I was getting sick of running outside to meet him before he could get in the house and the next time he showed up he was upping his game and it was cold out. I had to be absolutely frank with him about post menopausal women and that some of them just don't want it anymore. It's no fun anymore. Told him I wasn't having sex with any man until we were married. And that man had to be a widower, a landowner with a nice home, attached 2 car garage, a large barn full of excavation equipment, a pension, grandchildren and erectile dysfunction. Well that worked, never saw him again. A couple months later I am sitting down at the local pub with this man's boss. He tells me, in a loud drunk voice in front of EVERYONE at the bar what I had said to his employee. Hahaha😂 talk about "memo sent". Next man to pull into my driveway will ne Mr. Right. 😂 He told me a bit later that the man also has a girlfriend and he had given him a rash of crap for ever coming to my house. I thought that was sweet. Side note: a couple weeks later I ran into both of them at the store in the next town over. I walked right over to them with a gigantic smile on my face. The boss and I had a grand time making the man feel exceptionally embarrassed. Next time I see either of them they may not speak to me at all. Folks around here are so odd. Sometimes I feel like Dianne Fosse living in Vermont. I love living among these troglodytes. They are so different.
the mother clearly had her own issues being abused and traumatized. I would like to hear from a parent who has an adult child who treats them like garbage.
I dont think that the label matters. My mother was similar or even worse since she was hitting me all the time. People were labelling her schizophrenic, borderline, narcissistic, but none of the terms describes her exactly. The fact is, the environment she created was terrifying, unsafe, and unpredictable. But as the author mentioned- sometimes she managed to play nice. It was the same for me and im still waiting for those rare moments of love and connection and im ready to endure the pain of waiting and rejection in between. Seems its the same for the author.
My good its Exacly that now rejection took to much blame it was me even i know he juge me and write how much he mean and Thank you even i knew he juge me .if i was nice then i can get a nice anwer instead i got rejected and anonneded and my core my childhood kick in .its deep that i cant give my child and rejet hos love bevurse i get triggerd.my boundaries and get no respect its so deep.i gave my power away.my people pleasing.
No Anna, I don't agree with You, I would say that the contact with a parent, one per day or twice - is also absolutely unhealthy and indicates an attachment issue🙁
My mom lacked empathy. It made it very difficult for me to learn empathy. I feel like I finally did learn how to be empathetic towards others but it took far too long and I made a lot of mistakes along the way because of that one issue.
I love the analysis of the situation but I miss Anna telling her about what to do and how to get better until the end of the video. I think you need to read a book about dating, I think Rules was recommended. For you I would say do not go out on a date if it is not fixed and planned until Wednesday and no sleeping together until at least 3-4 proper dates in a daylight where he pays for your dinner and /or drink. I also think that your dating issues will sort out when you get your mom out of your life and stop spending time and emotional energy on her. She will definitely not leave you alone and put up a good fight until she accepts it. I mean calling 20-30 times a day and coming over unannounced. Your need at least a good therapy and or/a support group to stay strong and put off dating on a back burner for at least a few months
Yeah, that's me. I would do everything for them, and then I'd get ghosted. Every single time. They're not ready for a serious relationship, they say. Then they ghost me to jump into a serious relationship with a random dude. I have no idea what I do wrong.
Kirsty you are 24, get away from your mother and live your life. She's not going to change so stop having expectations that she will. You deserve your freedom! :)
My father didn't like the idea of me dating ( indians parents). Also rejected all potential good arranged marriage proposals. Now here in India nobody wants to marry 35 yr women.
Anna, I feel like I recognize something in this young woman. Has she been brainwashed by her mother to not recognize abuse? This young woman really has the same blind spot I had and I hope she gets some help learning her self worth.
Sounds like a narcissistic mother to me. Needy and calling multiple times, not saying please and thank you, “you don’t love me” if you set a boundary with them… in the narcissist’s eyes, the world revolves around them.
I want to say I have feelings for a friend I'm mailing him a card this morning and within a short time I will see if he feels anything for me I'm sure this is limerance but I will be brave and put myself out there wish me luck
Christie's mom sounds like a raging narcissist. My mom was a workaholic (for good reason, she wanted to have a better life)--but in all other ways sounds just like her mom.
Maybe the mom calls 7 times a day because the daughter never picks up . I noticed women always blame The mom. It’s possible the mom has the key to the apartment because the mom is helping her pay for it as well.
There were some ambiguities that stood out to me also. The mom seemed very dependent on her. And I couldn't understand how she would take her mother on work related travel/assignments. And why the one night stands when her mother could show up anytime? I also am one of those people who cycles friends and relatives I love on my cell. I would have never assumed someone's particular past by an unconfirmed peek at their phone.
You didn't listen to the story, did you? How was a so-called mother, who spent much this girl's childhood on welfare, and was taking all of the material gifts from her daughter, with no reciprocity, was gonna help her pay for an apartment she wasn't living in?
Excellent advise for this brave young lady. I was in a similar situation when growing up and I know all these dating stories first hand. She wrote this letter so she already knows in her heart that the way she was raised was wrong, that she was betrayed by her mother and that she deserves more in this live. If you read this: Keep going from there, keep learning and healing. You’ll be amazed by what you’re able to do once you’ve trained yourself to set boundaries. Good luck on your journey!
Thanks for sharing these words of encouragement for the letter-writer :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm convinced that strict parenting is the laziest form of parenting. Literally says I'm not letting you do anything under the guise of 'protection' and doing 'whats best' when in reality it means the parents don't want to deal with anything that requires effort or actually bringing up a human being who has no experience in the world.
Your comment makes a lot of sense! ❤
Whew. I felt this! I agree with you 100%. I never thought about it from this perspective, but I can see it.
😢
Bingo! THIS!
Yes Amen to that.
As a parent one should grow with the kids,have conversations,be vulnerable,guide them day in day out
Not set up rules and restrictions like kids are animals.
Parenting is an on going project….
My mother was like this and later diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I went no contact. It was the only way to heal and stop her from taking advantage of me. I remember her getting super mad at me one time when I called her out about not saying please and thank you. She claimed, "That doesn't matter." Then I said, "If it doesn't matter, why do you always insist on it from me?" Narcs are black holes, not worth wasting time or energy trying to please because you never will. Put that energy toward you.
Well said, narcissists truly are black holes I agree 100%.
I went no contact on mine a year ago and they both literally stalk me. I'm in my 40s. Both psycho parents show up to my house, they call my friends, they show up at my work. It's at to the point where I might have to get the police involved. Anyone have any suggestions? Narcissis can't take the hint what else is there for me to do but restraining orders?
Just be glad yours isn't conspiring with your narc ex
@@EnliveningJusticeyou need to 'grey rock' them; and personally I would file restraining orders. Marcus don't take the hint ever. It has to be solid hard boundaries with them.
I have 30+ years experience with one.
Mine would always say “Do as I say, not do as I do.” by way of explanation in situations like this. It wasn’t exactly helpful.
I was treated like a Second class citizen since I was born.. my mothers biggest enemy and competition..I’ve spent my life being an overachiever.. thin, pretty, smart, driven and all I attract are takers and users and rejectors. I’m now 52 and three times divorced and I think I’d rather die than ever open myself to any more hurt.. I got a dog and he loves me
You sound so much like me, I’m 59 years old and i can’t heal my wounds and I know I have to stopped communicating with my family (mom& her clones)
Blessings
Yep 60s and keep people at a distance. So many horrible users and abusers out there.
@@elviamunguia8397Only the hope is that you CAN heal your wounds in part. It's for you (and me, in my case) to decide, attempt, and I know it starts with letting go of some things/people/places/lousy assumptions and fantasies and keeping the focus on ourselves, developing a NIV (nurturing inner voice) and a capital 'S' Self to help with our wounded/reactive/confused and sometimes almost not very conscious inner parts and behaviors (I also like IFS therapy)-- and the feelings (like fear/doubt/insecurity/rage and all or nothing thinking, etc). I'm glad others are here walking this healing path with me -- who at least want to be honest to themselves and to 'grow up and wake up' -- no matter the cptsd, and all. Life doesn't have endless chances....some of us are older than you even!! Each day has a present moment -- and presence in it. Sometimes I start again...realizing that, over and over! Sincere best wishes. I too want to not make the same mistakes with the wrong people.
Akferren, I will pray for joy, healthy community and hope for you, you deserve it, Truly.
Thank you❤️
I can certainly relate to the mother's reaction to the bullying. I would get bullied out of the home, as well as at home. It took me many years to figure out that my mother was terrified of dealing with the world outside her dysfunctional little kingdom. She had no idea that there could be any other response to anger, her own as well that of others, except violence. She worked hard to put on an "I'm normal" act. She was terrified of confrontation and of having others see the real her. She set a horrible example, which, at seventy years old, I'm still trying to unpack. I won't ever give up trying, though
This was so triggering to hear. Dear fellow human who was abused as a child, walk away. You deserve to have a good life and you will not have it if you don't walk away from your mother. Set boundaries, go further your education, go get fancy clothes, go travel to distant countries, go find yourself. I am 40 and I am doing exactly that. Start. It is time. I myself have started not so long ago. And find a good therapist. To me, it is essential. They will never love us, Kirstie. They never have, they never will. They might even think that they do, but mothers like that will not really love anyone. Good luck, cheers, love.
Thank you for sharing your encouragement for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
Your comment hit me, I needed to read that ❤ im still living with my parents as a 22 year old and every day think about moving out. Its hard for me to find stable job with lack of energy, motivation and will to live. I dont think im worth the money and Im scared of rejection…
Bounderies are soooooo important. And we really do teach people how to treat us by our boundary setting and keeping them OR by our lack of bounderies.
So many of us were taught it was wrong to set bounderies for ourselves and only parents had that right.
That last part
Being treated like we don’t matter is familiar, and familiar is unfortunately quite attractive to us.
The mother turned the daughter into her spouse/caretaker.
I saw an interview with Dr. Ramini and Juliet Landau (daughter of actors Martin Landau and Barbra Bain) and Landau said something about how as a child of two narcissists, one has to preform well enough to not be an embarrassment but at the same time is never allowed to outshine the narcissist. I'd add that you are never even allowed to reveal the potential to outshine the narcissist. I thought Landau described that no-mans-land the children of narcissists are trapped in very aptly. Also the standards of what constitutes an embarrassment shift as well. I spent my whole life overhearing my mother describe her kids to others as always failing miserably in some respect. Clearly my mother considered us kids to be good enough not to truly be an embarrassment, but always kept 'not good enough' and as such perpetual burdens to her as a long suffering mother. Just as a note: All her kids graduated from college, got jobs that supported themselves independently, none of her five daughters ever got into trouble in any way, did drugs, got pregnant out of wedlock, or could even be accused of being rude or disruptive in any way. Our worst crime (only me actually) was standing up for myself when being mistreated. Three out of her five daughters married men who were equally decent, with very good, responsible jobs. The other two have successful careers (although, no surprise, don't achieve as much as they could and stay stuck being dumped on) . I'm the big loser in the family struggling financially because I chose to live a simple life in an economically depressed part of the 'country' on 50 acres of woodland in beautiful, peaceful Vermont. Seriously, I'm here because I'm hiding from narcissists, no joke. I also recently discovered after all these years, I'm dyslexic. Not that my mother bothered to wonder if there might be a reason why someone with an IQ around 130 with no obvious sabotaging issues might be struggling. Her narrative needed losers and so a losers must be found or created.
"When you people-please you become a non-person" - another one for the wall plaque!
It's phenomena lol
For real.
Sounds like her mother didnt want children. What the mother doesnt understand is that children naturally want their mother.
Father's too..
@@Saint.questions I would agree if we're talking about a father and son but the person who wrote the letter was a daughter talking about her mother
Maybe she didn't want that life after she left dad. Most women depend on having a partner help her. Some can not do it alone 😢 it sucks but its true
Re: “what was going on with the mom?” I was treated in a nearly identical fashion by my own mother who is a narcissist with OCPD. The excessive strictness serves multiple purposes for people like this. Controlling the child’s environment is an extension of controlling their own environment. It minimizes the chance of the child inconveniencing them. Excessive restriction also helps a narcissist isolate their victim from more supportive influences so they can more successfully control and gaslight them. The entitled attitude of Kirsti’s mom does look to be another narcissism flag as well. We can’t know for sure, but regardless my heart goes out to Kirsti!
Yes, mine didn't like it when I started 'growing up'. Wouldn't let me have friends in the house etc.
My female biological parent also never said "please," "thank you" or "I'm sorry" to me in her life. Now when I meet people who have trouble saying these everyday courtesies, an alarm goes off.
My mother behaved like this, I kept getting hurt expecting her to realize how wrong she was, until I realized that she never will so I decided that she was too toxic for me and I cut contact with her completely. Turns out my mother has narcissistic traits and that is the reason why she is not able to connect with me. Not saying that your mom is narcissistic or that you need to cut contact with her. However, you need to focus on yourself and follow through with your promises and your decisions to yourself and start a journey towards healing.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Lack of boundaries comes from lack of self love and one main reason we have lack of self love is because our view of ourselves is so distorted from the abuse and lack of love from the parent and because we’ve been conditioned to gaslight our own feelings. If she can distance herself from the mother and protect herself with strong boundaries long enough to let the inner child’s emotions finally be felt, she can heal💙🙏🏽
So in reference to the letter writer's enmeshment with her mother, a pretty good book to help understand the dynamic is The Good Daughter Syndrome: Help For Empathic Daughters of Narcissistic, Borderline, or Difficult Mothers Trapped in the Role of the Good Daughter by Katherine Fabrizio.
I can see and hear threads of my own life running through this writer's letter. My mother wasn't this extreme in her behaviors, but she could be occasionally.
And how did I behave...? pretty much like the letter writer did. It's been a few years now since my mum passed away and I'm no contact with the rest of my family. And I am finally starting to heal and feel happy!!
Finally, I get it. To put it simply, I am entitled to disappoint people. I am entitled to be selfish and self serving if i so choose. Although, in the past I could be quite strong-willed, fundamentally the motive for my behaviors was outward facing - can I be noticed, be loved, can they 'keep me safe'....?
It's still a work in progress, and always will be, but once you see it, you can't unsee it. And my heart absolutely breaks for those folk who are having huge difficulties because the development of their sense of agency has been crushed by their family.
❤❤❤❤
Uggggggghhhhhh, stories like this, thanks ONCE AGAIN, to piss poor, abusive, neglectful, failure to be held accountable parenting, always pisses me off.
Just listening to what she went through, thoroughly explains why she went through all that she went through. I can relate to her situation, in a lot of ways to her.
Textbook narcissism in this case.
I’m no therapist but sounds like the mother was traumatised herself or shut down of all her emotions. I feel that single mothers often can not carry the burden and become so anxious/depressed/unregulated and passes on to kids. I’m
Trying to make sense of it all at 56 and trying to remember things from my own childhood to get answers but it’s all blocked. I hope this lady can turn her life around and protect herself
Kristi thank you for sharing your story, something I would add from an attachment perspective, the part of you that wanted to see this guy again even after he mistreated you, is a 'child' part that has become attached to him. When as children we are not given much care and warmth by our caregivers, as soon as we get it in some form later on even if it's not great, the child part will get attached. I have gone through this myself and I support people with this. The best thing I can recommend it to start working with a therapist that specializes in childhood attachment trauma. As you learn to support that younger part and realize how amazing you are, that you just didn't get the right care from your environment growing up, how you see yourself will change and who you will be attracted to will change as well. All the best!
Wow, that's amazing you said about that. A few years back, I was like this with a male friend who I volunteered with. I would follow him around like a child attached to a parent! He knew I was going through some men tal health issues at the time and I actually said that I feel like a child following you around! I had no control over it and he was very good about it.....
Sadly my my mother was the same, she became violent if you experienced any childhood issues like being bullied or even something simple like falling off a bike and getting a scraped knee A violent rage would follow so it was always a double trauma for me, very confusing behavior. It destroys your sense of self worth before you can even develop one. Started calling me 5 x a day once she hit her late 70's with all of kinds of drama . I finally kicked her to the curb an life is so much better now. My greatest regret was not doing it sooner. I let her hang around and drag me down hoping I could get a shred of decency out of her like all the crappy friends , lovers and employers I tolerated as well. It's a long road to healing and recovery..but I couldn't have done it without no contact
I really admire you for making it through. My mother was similar. Flew into rages continually and was physically violent with me even when I was an adult. I finally went no contact in my 40's. The guilt was devastating and still is sometimes. I was so relieved when she passed away in her 80's. A huge weight was lifted. Long healing journey for me and my siblings. God bless.
her mom was handled and warped, I saw this before, my mom did alot of same to me, I am 54 now, how I pray for this gal in love. Mom has clear DID. Trauma base as well. Ugly dysfunctions. pray for releases and make boundaries from this. My birth family ripe, my mother passed not long ago and finally I am able to see better with Anna's help.. So thankful. I hope we all get free.
I initally read this as "Keep Getting Jacked" and realized I should hit the gym more :) I'm glad content like this exists so I don't go overboard trying to people please.
Sounds like my mom! I was her slave for most of my younger years, never letting me go to high school because it was an excuse for me to be a street girl, she never left me date! Till I meet my ex husband and left, of course when I asked for her blessing, she didn’t give it to me. I always help her when she needed money, now she is more than rich, im about to die of stomach cancer and when I asked her to help me pay my car because I can’t work anymore…. She told me that they could help me if I was back in her country and her house! No!
I have my kids and grandkids, I love my family, but I learned the hard way how not to begging for love! If you beg for it isn’t love, is pity!
Oh gosh, totally had forgotten that one. My mom always cautioned me not to act/dress like a 'street girl'. I never dressed outragious in any way. It was probably just a tank top and shorts or so, I can't remember but for sure it was normal and more mundane than you see young women wearing today. So sad your mom refuses to help you now when you need it most!
“Nothing at 1am, ever”
❤️😆
Made me smile Anna
I heard someone say, "There's only two things up at 1am; The Moon and legs!!"
To be honest I never understood where my traumas come from, I listen to these stories and I cannot say that I had a bad childhood, I never had bad parents, but at the same time I spent so many years people pleasing and uncapable to set boundaries.
the patriarchy
Maybe look up enmeshment trauma?
These are often severe cases. But children don't need severe abuse to be traumatised. Sometimes, wrong methods by the most well meaning parents can create destructive patterns, or likely so, unhelpful behaviours in adulthood.
So, you might want to (re) learn helpful behaviours, teach yourself like you would teach a child...
Hope it helps
Our self image many times comes from messages (spoken or unspoken) from someone significant in our youth. I am a senior now and a student of psychology. Everyone, has a programming, scripting message, that with the right questioning reveals it. One friend, says Mom said never to get married. She unhappily followed suit. Another friend's Mom said, "Be a Nun". She, as a 7 year old scoffed at this suggestion, but is living her life as a modern Sister Teresa. These early messages and expectations are extremely powerful. Abuse is not required. As a people pleaser myself, I have realized that with me, it is based on deep fear and FEAR has been the dominant emotion in my life. I fear the hatred in someone's face if I should displease them. Guess what? In a weird sense, I have dealt with MY hatred that I have been repressing. Life is a layered journey. Peace.
@@marierose6792 😮wow thanks for that
My husband's parents never abused or physically neglected him. Nice people, helpful, never yelled. But both of them were very emotionally closed off, especially his mother. Sometimes to the point of being cold. No asking about your day, or offering details about mine, etc. My husband is avoidant and emotionally distant because of it. Even though he acknowledges his family's emotional coolness and sees how it's effected him, he isn't quite able to see it as emotional neglect because he wasn't overtly abused, as I was.
Sometimes people imagine abuse and neglect as only the extremes, or they don't want to think of themselves as victims or the parents they love as abusers. Even loving, well meaning parents can do harmful things.
To be quite honest with you, this sounds almost identical to my mom with Borderline. Her being mad that you had a boundary over YOUR OWN APARTMENT, and the fact that she calls you 7 times a day may be telling that she has a fear of abandonment, plus the ENTITLEMENT she has is very telling of some sort of personality disorder like BPD/NPD, etc.
I get it - I struggled with boundaries with my mom and others. By far, the most helpful book on this for me was "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. It has been out a long time, but don't let that keep you from reading it. I highly recommend the chapter titled something like: Our Impossible Mothers. This book transformed my life, slowly and definitely not overnight, but after reading it, I finally "got it", I understood what I had to do. I hope that you do to - you deserve a good life!
I used to meet men in hotels after online chatting. I bought clothes for my mother and went with her on trips, to get her love. But I learnt later on in life she gossiped about my dating life to the extended family members and did backbiting. I thought I liked those men, but I learnt later it was self sabotage. I can relate to her story. I think it's because of the lack of physical closeness with my parents. My father betrayed me too. I was ready to pay any price to be physically close to someone, atleast someone was ready to be with me and give me attention.
My mother was the same. Cold one minute, then screaming in my face. I don't know what she did all day either because she would kick us outside at dawn and lock the door. I messed my pants on the porch one day when she wouldn't answer my knocking, and then she yelled at me for the mess. I was so embarrassed. The neighbor boy saw me. I was 5.
Veru sad -- understandable how much suffering can happen....not your fault at 5 or otherwise. My wish is for you and all to have far better parenting -- from others and eventually from inside ourselves.... My heart goes out to you, and I'm glad to be with people who are facing the realities that were their lives and trying to do much better with themselves and with others. Sincere best wishes.
Im 25 this sounds very similar to my life up until now. I’ve been healing and doing the work but I think the hardest part about all of this is the shame that comes along with it! Feeling like an idiot or like “something is wrong with you” after rejection. And then i would go back into the same situations just to be like “see i am worthy it was just them” we have got to stop taking things so personally of course a knucklehead guy would love to sleep with you! 😂 and just because he doesn’t fall head over heels doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of that. It’s our jobs to protect ourselves from unserious people instead of trying to please them. And looking back i just know id be scaling the walls trying to get out of the relationships i so desperately wanted to be in.
I found this really interesting. I think the crappy childhood fairy is a remarkably good, wise, and helpful woman. I hope people will learn from her. I wish I had had some kind of supportive man to give me sound advice when I was a young adult. Perhaps I wouldn’t have listened anyway, but it might have made a big difference in my life
5:02 😂😂😂 i know shes not laughing at the young lady but Anna's sense of humor is perfection
We are laughing with each other for our tormentors are absurd.
There are so many alcoholics on these videos. My parents, my friends' parents no one I knew then or now was alcoholic. My mother managed to be full of negativity, judgements, criticism without being alcoholic.
Yes, relatable (only in my case, those words apply to a father.) I realized at some point, if my life is going to be different, I was the one who was going to have to 'grow myself up and wake myself up' --- because denial, just acting out and all the downstream grief, toxic sh-t, horrid consequences from the world catching up with their patterns and making it worse often...well, having it be different is up to me and what I can learn ad practice. Hence, here.
@@bettinazwerdling9158 yes, for sure
Sounds like the mother has a cluster B thing going on. My mother is very similar. I'm finally in a place where I am not giving everything anymore and setting boundaries. She and several other people are not happy about that but I do 👏 not 👏 care 👏
Sounds like some amateur psych diagnosis there.
@@clonejones7955 this comment section is filled with people who recognize similarities in their own situations, offering ideas about the mother's pathology. Lots of opinions and insights, which aren't armchair diagnoses but certainly paint a fuller picture of what *might* be going on. My traumatic family dynamics are very different from Kirsti's but I found some excellent insights here reading others' stories and ideas about the letter writer's family dynamics. Sometimes the gems are hidden, and staying open to finding them can be a key to healing.
There are many similarities between my mother and the ine in the story. When my parents had their court ordered therapy, my mother was diagnosed as bipolar and refused treatment. As the world is learning more about trauma and i am too, i think she also had a lot of unresolved childhood trauma that meant she was ready neither for marraige nor childrearing.
I thought I sent this in it’s so relatable to me but she said she’s 24 and called kirsty lol
I think something that wasn’t addressed was that your dad abused but told you through others (zero effort) that he “loved you.” I think the thing is like accepting the bare minimum
The whole time you were talking about the mom, I was wondering if that's how I treat my sister. Every time I think I'm getting answers I just get more questions. I think my headstone will say, "I actually had a few more questions"
It took me years to realize how naive I am. I’ve always wanted to find someone but it’s tiering when it’s a one way street. My mother would have done the same thing to me if I had allowed it. So glad I moved far away.
I can relate with everyone here. Hugs 🤗 and love ❤️ coming your way 😊
Wow this story sound like my life...my mom never let me go outside and I had to be by her side all the time.. I was not allowed a boyfriend ever...So I snuck and got a boyfriend at 14 that was severely abusive...he wanted me to listen to him and if not he would beat me..I would get home and my mom would beat me for not listening to her...I was mute for many years...I got married at 18 and all I knew was if I was nice and look pretty,my marriage would work...I had to take care of my mom financially at 16 till today..and I am mentally drained...my mom suffered from mental illness so I understand her behavior now
I am so sorry to hear about your journey through things. Abuse all along the way. I hope you are getting support in learning and practicing new self-respecting patterns and leaving abusive relationships. setting healthy boundaries, etc. Glad you are here searching with others of us -- for new patterns, ways, self-understanding and approaches in life.
That must have been incredibly difficult. I'm so glad you're here now, we're all sending you support :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
She has self esteem issues which definitely come from how her mother raised her.... I would recommend her not to date at this time and just focus on her healing through Trerapy and the 12 steps.... She needs to heal the 8 year old scared little girl inside her like I am trying to heal the 12 year little boy in me after being molested by a "friend"...
My mother wasn't quite as self-absorbed or mean as this young woman's mother, but ... I'll put it this way. I'm 70, have been learning about what I now call CPTSD, for the last few decades. And I STILL have to work harder to feel my own pain, than to "feel" my mother's. I was in my 60s when I actually cried for myself, for my own deprivation as a child. She's dead now, and all our lives my brother and I heard about how hard our parents' upbringings were. They were, but damn it, that doesn't make it okay to dismiss or ignore one's own child's pain. I became an alcoholic people-pleaser. I’m 20+ years free of that; the people-pleasing took longer than losing the booze. We never talked about it, her alcoholism, my dad's philandering, none of it. They pretended for so long that my brother and I were the only real problems they had. Dear God what an act they put on. I would tell this young woman, do what you can to regain touch with yourself, so you can deeply grieve what you were denied, and then be able to move on, to act like a woman too valuable to parcel herself out for others' convenience. You will realize one day you have become the woman you were meant to be. I have. Not done, but well underway. I'm one hell of a catch.
Mutual respect is mandatory.
Her mother may be in the early stages of Dementia. The several calls, the idea that her daughter does not care about her... Classic signs she may be hallucinating. They need to see a neurologist.
Especially if there’s been a sudden dramatic increase in the number of calls per day. My Gram did that because she forgot she just called an hour ago. And she’d be crying because she “just found out” major family news (babies, weddings) that we’d told her about and thought we were all holding out on her .
But this mom in the letter has a long history of crossing boundaries, you can have dementia overlayed in other issues, of course
I hadn't talked to my mom in years. One day I was in my basement and I heard the downstairs back door creek open. This really scared me, and it was her. I said " what are you doing here? You are violent and need to go." She grabbed my arm squeezing it tightly with her bony witch fingers, pointing out a small bruise on my arm that I had gotten from my puppy. " You are violent!" She said and kept scratching and groping me. I had to push her off. Shocking because I was well into adulthood at the time.
I'm so sorry you went through this. My violent mother also hit me when I was well into adulthood. She was a rageaholic. She got some sort of kick or release out of it. It greatly affected me and my siblings. When I read or hear about people who are close with their mothers, I can't even relate. My mother was a nightmare.
@@redwoods7370 I know right, hearing about people with their nice mothers is so foreign. Then there's the endless " but she's your mother ". 🤢
The character of the mother is like my mother was. Narcissist.
I feel so bad rn. Just when I thought I was escaping my people pleasing tendencies I realised its still there. I contacted a psychologist here in my home country and its so costly. I'm so tired. Its hard.
Her mom sounds just like how my mom was before she passed away and I believe that it’s undiagnosed borderline personality disorder.
Mom does has serious problems. Its not you even though it feels like your fault. Its the pattern. Too close to her. I moved to another state and was better. Mom if not a alcoholic or drug addict she needs help. But your recovery is yours. Its fun once you kick free.
When you take an abusive parent on trips and buy them expensive gifts you are simply rewarding bad behavior. Get your house key back or change the locks.
The mom never wanted her and thinks her daughter owes her for years of lodging and food as a child. Sounds like the mom has a secret addiction drugs sex or even resentment something is going on. She should move away and not give her mom the new address just go visit her mom.
I TOTALLY AGREE with RowanRiverstone!!!! you need to move FAR AWAY from your mother. read the book Toxic Parents,+ so many others. I'm 3000 miles away- best thing l ever did!! take all the money you've spent on her, + save up (in silence) for an apartment 1/2 way across the world!! get therapy, a new job, a new life--one without ANY contact w/ mom . tell no one. I spent so many years in tears because of talking to my mother- it makes me shiver!!! forget the guys for right now, you need to work on you. Do civic activities , volunteer at the animal shelter...take a sculpting class , find a hobby you like... FIND YOU--- far away from the toxic family. it NEVER changes!!! all the best to you
Soooo true, soooo right! Cheers, love!
She unfortunately desperate for love. She needs self love and boundaries. And should move far away from her mother. Also therapy is very important. She's young and can change. By the way you can't change people around you, but you can change ❤ Also she's doing somekind of self-fulfilling prophecy...
This was very good!!
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
I wonder if there is an correlation between Kirsti having to sneak out at night to date as a teen and then asking this guy over in the middle of the night. Maybe that’s the habit/normal built in from that season?
I confronted my mom she was emotionally disturbed. We are pretty good these days. we just had to tell her she has no control over my life.
I understand that people say “you need to respect yourself and not put out and wait three months that’s why this is happening”
But it really isn’t… I know a girl who got out of a 10 year relationship and just wanted to casually date and met a guy and slept with him within two hours and he treats her like a queen and they were married a year later and had a child a year after that and she didn’t do anything different besides get lucky with the guy she did it with so I really can’t help but believe sometimes blaming girls in these situations for “their part” is a little bit victim blaming
I don't know what's going on with that mother...
...but I can say that she is emotionally immature and can't have a proper relationship, whether it be with her children or anyone else.
I left home when I was 16 and never went back 👍
Unfortunately for me the dysfunction followed me as I was in denial that the toxic was left behind. It took a few relationships and discovered the narcissistic personalities that I educated myself, made a big decision to cut out those individuals permanently who had already dumped me anyway and it’s all good because everyone has the right to decide who should be in their life, including me. I want to thank those individuals for letting me know what they really thought of me even if it was done in a cruel way, sometimes learning the hard way wakes us up, sometimes it doesn’t. I’m learning about myself through all this and regardless of what anyone thinks I have the right to breathe the same air as everyone else so na na na na na na 🤪😜
I finally set boundaries- went no contact with both my parents. They are desperate to get their slave girl back and they literally stalk me. They haven't gotten the hint so far and it's been 11 months of no contact. They're still knocking on my door and sending letters and showing up at my job. I'm 43! What do I have to do? Move to another state?
Well .. I moved to another state and it worked like a charm ..
I would consider to move again, not in another state but in a house they cannot find. And to not give the address neither to relatives nor to friends. And if they still keep going on, I would seriously consider to talk to the police... Stalking is a crime, even when it's family
STOP HAVING SEX WITH PEOPLE WHO AREN'T YOUR SPOUSE!!!!! If you don't have a spouse yet, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET MARRIED!!!!
Men want sex, and that's never going to change. Women want relationships, and that's never going to change. If you give a man sex before the relationship, he has no reason to move the relationship forward. He has what he wants. You should get what you want, you do that by making him wait. No matter how hard it is.
This is a whole different topic because women literally have to walk on eggshells dealing with men. Men are predators by nature. Why is it that no one really tells men how to have integrity and discipline??? Everything is always on women yet, no one holds men accountable. This is exactly why there are so many womanizer’s and abusers. Men need to do shadow work and heal themselves.
I think its better to say stop having sex with people who aren't looking for something serious. Cause if sex is all the person wants it doesn't matter if its a few months or not, they'll leave when they get it or when they feel it's not worth waiting for. Don't use sex to form a bond, get that bond first and use sex to enhance it.
@EliTheAlien Nothing is more serious than "till death."
@@ethanmiller5487 Newer generations don't see it that way lol. It's "til divorce" now.
@EliTheAlien A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Reality doesn't care how we see things. Reality just is. You must change to it because you don't have the power or authority to change reality. Marriage not seen as "till death" wouldn't be marriage. I dont know what that is called, but by definition, it's not marriage.
Getting on the other side of trauma can be fun. I live in a rural New England community where everyone knows everyone and they are all related some how......so, there was this middle aged man, (brother of my friend's boyfriend) with a recognizable local surname, who had been pulling into my driveway on odd nights during the summer to sniff around my petticoats. So to speak. Well I really was not interested, gave all that nonsense up when I turned 50. Not sure it even works. Long about the end of October I was getting sick of running outside to meet him before he could get in the house and the next time he showed up he was upping his game and it was cold out. I had to be absolutely frank with him about post menopausal women and that some of them just don't want it anymore. It's no fun anymore. Told him I wasn't having sex with any man until we were married. And that man had to be a widower, a landowner with a nice home, attached 2 car garage, a large barn full of excavation equipment, a pension, grandchildren and erectile dysfunction. Well that worked, never saw him again.
A couple months later I am sitting down at the local pub with this man's boss. He tells me, in a loud drunk voice in front of EVERYONE at the bar what I had said to his employee. Hahaha😂 talk about "memo sent". Next man to pull into my driveway will ne Mr. Right. 😂 He told me a bit later that the man also has a girlfriend and he had given him a rash of crap for ever coming to my house. I thought that was sweet.
Side note: a couple weeks later I ran into both of them at the store in the next town over. I walked right over to them with a gigantic smile on my face. The boss and I had a grand time making the man feel exceptionally embarrassed. Next time I see either of them they may not speak to me at all. Folks around here are so odd. Sometimes I feel like Dianne Fosse living in Vermont. I love living among these troglodytes. They are so different.
😂😂😂
Lol I used to think of it as a quaint sate but I know exactly what you mean
the mother clearly had her own issues being abused and traumatized. I would like to hear from a parent who has an adult child who treats them like garbage.
I’ve done this so many times Kirsty
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I dont think that the label matters. My mother was similar or even worse since she was hitting me all the time. People were labelling her schizophrenic, borderline, narcissistic, but none of the terms describes her exactly. The fact is, the environment she created was terrifying, unsafe, and unpredictable. But as the author mentioned- sometimes she managed to play nice. It was the same for me and im still waiting for those rare moments of love and connection and im ready to endure the pain of waiting and rejection in between. Seems its the same for the author.
My good its Exacly that now rejection took to much blame it was me even i know he juge me and write how much he mean and Thank you even i knew he juge me .if i was nice then i can get a nice anwer instead i got rejected and anonneded and my core my childhood kick in .its deep that i cant give my child and rejet hos love bevurse i get triggerd.my boundaries and get no respect its so deep.i gave my power away.my people pleasing.
No Anna, I don't agree with You, I would say that the contact with a parent, one per day or twice - is also absolutely unhealthy and indicates an attachment issue🙁
He’s not ready to be in a relationship…with you.
Ladies, don’t put out.
The "thing"that the mother has, it's narcisistic personality desorder.
My mom lacked empathy. It made it very difficult for me to learn empathy. I feel like I finally did learn how to be empathetic towards others but it took far too long and I made a lot of mistakes along the way because of that one issue.
You got this now and that's what matters. Great job!
Nika@TeamFairy
Love u and give thanks to you. ❤❤❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's so wrong when Kirsty describes her alcoholic father and other family members say..'he loves you very much' mmmm right.
I love the analysis of the situation but I miss Anna telling her about what to do and how to get better until the end of the video. I think you need to read a book about dating, I think Rules was recommended. For you I would say do not go out on a date if it is not fixed and planned until Wednesday and no sleeping together until at least 3-4 proper dates in a daylight where he pays for your dinner and /or drink.
I also think that your dating issues will sort out when you get your mom out of your life and stop spending time and emotional energy on her. She will definitely not leave you alone and put up a good fight until she accepts it. I mean calling 20-30 times a day and coming over unannounced. Your need at least a good therapy and or/a support group to stay strong and put off dating on a back burner for at least a few months
Yeah, that's me. I would do everything for them, and then I'd get ghosted. Every single time. They're not ready for a serious relationship, they say. Then they ghost me to jump into a serious relationship with a random dude. I have no idea what I do wrong.
Kirsty you are 24, get away from your mother and live your life. She's not going to change so stop having expectations that she will. You deserve your freedom! :)
She’s kind of a substitute partner for her mom
My father didn't like the idea of me dating ( indians parents). Also rejected all potential good arranged marriage proposals. Now here in India nobody wants to marry 35 yr women.
Never apologizing could be a sign of narcissistic or borderline personality traits.
A hobby could be helpful for her as well.. My model car building hobby helps me fill the void.. And stay away from crazy parties!!
I never get guys, period. I’m absolutely invisible.
Anna, I feel like I recognize something in this young woman. Has she been brainwashed by her mother to not recognize abuse? This young woman really has the same blind spot I had and I hope she gets some help learning her self worth.
Sounds like a narcissistic mother to me. Needy and calling multiple times, not saying please and thank you, “you don’t love me” if you set a boundary with them… in the narcissist’s eyes, the world revolves around them.
OMG, it was always "all my fault...what did u do to cause this?" It was always my fault. No one on my side. It was always my fault somehow. Really?
Same here, always my fault so I've grown up thinking that when things/friends etc go wrong, it's always my fault....
Sounds like dad is narcissist or avoidant. Mom is emotionally immature and an extremely self loathing. Jealous of her own daughter.
Nope, just nope. Drop mom.
What about married guys who cheat? That means, the wife / husband/ new girl all of them need therapy?
♥️thank u
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I'm happy to be part of our community♥️
As I said I'm going thru limerance now I have a name for it now
I want to say I have feelings for a friend I'm mailing him a card this morning and within a short time I will see if he feels anything for me I'm sure this is limerance but I will be brave and put myself out there wish me luck
If I don't find out I will always wonder u are helping me immensely
13:59
NPD mom.
Christie's mom sounds like a raging narcissist. My mom was a workaholic (for good reason, she wanted to have a better life)--but in all other ways sounds just like her mom.
💌
Sounds like some filial piety thing with mom.
Mom sounds like a narcissist
Maybe the mom calls 7 times a day because the daughter never picks up . I noticed women always blame The mom. It’s possible the mom has the key to the apartment because the mom is helping her pay for it as well.
There were some ambiguities that stood out to me also. The mom seemed very dependent on her. And I couldn't understand how she would take her mother on work related travel/assignments. And why the one night stands when her mother could show up anytime? I also am one of those people who cycles friends and relatives I love on my cell. I would have never assumed someone's particular past by an unconfirmed peek at their phone.
You didn't listen to the story, did you?
How was a so-called mother, who spent much this girl's childhood on welfare, and was taking all of the material gifts from her daughter, with no reciprocity, was gonna help her pay for an apartment she wasn't living in?
Even if the mum is helping pay for the apart ment, she has no right to just enter unannounced.
🫂 💪🏻 🤍