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Coercion is never OK. The reality is that sometimes it's not coercion at all, but someone who doesn't have experience with non-monogamy will assure the other person they'll be OK with it, and then after they fall in love they discover it's not OK at all. I've seen this many times. I've been that person! I don't blame the poly person in this situation, it's hard for them, too.
@@concernedsaI think part of the problem is that they are referred to as “poly people” as if it’s part of their identity rather than a willful choice. Being straight, gay, cis or trans is not a choice and should be accepted as part of who a person is. “Polyamorous” is not a gender nor a sexuality. Many monogamous people are sometimes attracted to people who are not their partner. That is a **normal** part of being human regardless of gender or sexuality. Some people who choose to live polyamorous or even polygamous lifestyles talk about it as if it’s some special sexuality and that it’s somehow bigotry to have an opinion about their relationship choices. Being discriminating about what is healthy or not is not the same as discriminating against other people.
I am a poly person and I support this video. If you aren't poly, don't do it. If you try it and realize it isn't for you, get out of there. Don't stay in a poly thing if you don't like it. Don't allow a poly partner to stay if you don't like it. You're allowed to have needs and kick partners who don't meet them. Do it. Most genuine people will understand and support you. If they don't: they're gross and something else is going on. Some people are twisted and use 'I'm poly" to guilt partners. That's not okay. Get away from them. Also, monogamy is legit. Don't let any poly person tell you otherwise. Don't settle for something you dont want no matter what that is. It's a deal breaker for both parties.
Totally! Major red flags when poly people poo-poo monogamy or try to push poly like it's the "enlightened", "most true", etc. You're absolutely right that genuine people will understand! Treating someone else's values as important is part of loving them or just being loving to self, if anything it's a baseline of being an accepting and unproblematic person. It's tough to see it when you've grown up without importance placed on your own values but learning to accept it yourself is 💕🦋🦋💕
This. I have been poly for years; I like it. recently there’s been an influx of people coming to the poly lifestyle who clearly aren’t fully in to it. I find these people really need counseling.
Likewise! I'm poly and found another partner that is too. It's not the relationship style that's the problem here- it's the "poly" (in quotes on purpose) partner that is just using the style as an excuse to hurt others by crossing boundaries and breaking trust and just overall being selfish. I also support this video because her messaging is good no matter the relationship style you might be in and each relationship should be able to stand on its own merit on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. If that isn't happening, that's a problem and you need to protect yourself from being hurt. 🖤
Former woman who was in a 5 year polyamorous relationship. Not for me never for me and it was a learning lesson. Remember to choose yourself and choose the life you want. Things never get better unless you change them
The daughter at twelve-years-old likely already knows what's going on. She may either not want to bring it up because she is uncomfortable or doesn't want to rock the boat. Kids are very intuitive. Twelve-year-old me wanted my mom to be with someone who was committed to her and her only. 💖💖💖💖
Anna, this is so helpful to me... I'm a gaybman living with CPTSD. I've been in one polly relationship after the next and have found that most of my partners, like myself, were suffering from CPTSD and the polls relationships were just trauma bonding and always ended in destruction. The amount of lying and empty nights when I needed my partner, but they were busy with loving someone else. I had to take a hard look at myself and ask why I felt so comfortable with accepting part-time love. I've been in trauma therapy for 10 years now, and I'm working on having a healthy, loving relationship
I was in a throuple for 5 years and that shit will break you! I'm so glad you're connecting your needs and that you're putting yourself first. I was drained and a source of income and energy for them. And I crap-fitted(I love that term Anna!) and I've developed such a better life today when I left and chose myself. I hope you feel better love.
Thanks for your honesty and courage in speaking your truth about this subject ! Your insights are helpful, and the trauma bonding part I’ve never really thought about but it makes sense
Well done for getting out and stay true to yourself. The accuracy of your comment about being in a relationship while staying in empty bed while your partner is busy with someone else is exactly the same experience as mine. Poly people paint this beautiful picture of abundant love, however time and resources are limited, how do they be a good partner to multiple people if they all need him/her at the same time?
As a gay man, I'm with Anna 100% on polyamory. If it works for others, thats great. However, I know it's not for me. Sometimes it feels like monogamy is going out of style with the community, but I'm not budging.
The problem with polyamory is that it is best for people who are really good at relationships, but it is most often practiced by people who can’t get a single relationship to work…
I had a friend who was with a polyamorous guy - she thought it was a way to resolve her attachment issues. All it did was detabilize her, and therefore her young child. I saw her rationalise/intellectualise the way in which her emotional needs were not being met - she had to twist her thinking to make it ok. I suspect that polyamory is a way for guys to sleep around in an 'ethical' way - that's what I saw with her anyway.
It can also be a way for a woman to sleep around. A younger male friend of mine got involved with a bisexual woman. It took a while for him to realize he wasn’t polyamorous and preferred monogamy. At least she was honest from the start.
I agree: without judging anyone I’ve never seen that work Call it poly, call it an open relationship, frame it how you want; the people I know who’ve tried have always found it unsatisfactory. One half of the couple accepts the uneasy compromise and then comes to resent it. In my anecdotal experience it’s always been one person accepting a situation they’re not happy with. My observations are similar to yours: someone always gets hurt.
The poly person I encountered (and some others I read online) said their experiences are very fulfilling. However from my personal experience that doesn’t seem true. The poly guy said his wife and him are completely open with each other dating other partners, yet I found out that she asked him to put her picture on his phone lock screen knowing I will spend a week with him. Also other time the wife made bad comment about a girl he was seeing previously being “hate men”. So are they really that free and is the relationship really that fulfilling, more than monogamy? I’m not sure if poly people try to convince themselves to believe that, or try to sell that to non poly people.
My ex told me before we started dating that he can be mono or poly depending on what his partner wants. That's one big red flag I ignored. He isn't even close to having the emotional intelligence or communication skills to manage one relationship, let alone multiple.
As a gay man I previously felt pressured to be okay with polyamory as it’s definitely pushed in gay culture even though it always felt wrong for me and worsened my CPTSD symptoms. Stay true to your personal values and beliefs! I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with the love of my life, my husband, for 6 years and we recently welcomed our son. Words can’t describe how happy I am. I had to stop letting the wrong people into my life as I could never heal my trauma wounds. Those people didn’t respect or value me as a partner. Listen to Anna, folks she knows what she’s talking about!
I'm sympathetic to the idea of a poly relationship but I don't disagree with anything you or the letter writer felt or said. Also, as a recovering co-dependent, I'm very familiar with thinking I have to tolerate things that are actually unacceptable to me in a relationship. It's not ok for a poly person to romantically pursue anyone who is not themselves also actively pursuing that lifestyle. If they have to be convinced, it's not real consent.
"you settled for the poly guy." Well that definitely got my attention. At the beginning of 2023 I hung around this person for 2 months first month we were just hung out second month we were officially dating. I was the pursuer I ended up paying for things getting him gifts this and that. I'm being disabled by field brain surgeries and He's able body and has a job. I finally had to just accept that most people will continue to accept things from someone even if they don't really like them.
Went through this briefly with my ex husband 20 years ago . Gasslit myself pretty good . Husband number 2 is an old fashioned fellow and I am SO relieved to be living in a traditional marriage. ❤
Totally- for me “relationship with no “s” is a sign of over philosophising - making an abstraction to talk yourself out of or away from the actual specific hurts, needs, experiences, disappointments that arise in *a particular* relationship. So, yes, a sign of self-gaslighting. Really appreciate you naming this!
I find it interesting that poly people absolutely *INSIST* on be accepted but are unwilling to accept that not everyone wants to fuq around 🤔respect is a one-way street I guess🤷🏽♀ and I hate getting with a dude that claims he's monogomous, but then surprise, he's "poly". and from what other poly people have told me, they use that as an excuse to sleep around because being poly still requires communication and actual relationships and trust, like any other "normal" relationship. they say those guys are using it as an excuse to sleep around and not commit but want *you* to stay faithful to them; in short, they just want a Harum of young , beautiful women because they're selfish and h0rny
I find it interesting that monogamy has just as many problems as poly but monogamous people act like its suddenly perfect when they're comparing the two relationship types. Respect is indeed a one way street if you cannot get around the flaws that exist in both relationship types and think one is more valid or less abusive than the other. communication, trust and all the things a relationships require are required in BOTH. and if someone doesn't do those, it's not because of monogamy or polyamory, its because of that Person.
Anna, thanks for your honesty and integrity around this topic. From my experience, I whole heartedly agree with you. I also have yet to come across a couple who could actually make a poly relationship work out in the long term. They seem to crash and burn inevitably. A lot of poly people want what they want when they want and do not want to take responsibility or want a free pass to lust after whoever, whenever. The problem with this is it often lacks discernment and respect for others. This can be really hurtful for those of us with CPTSD. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of hate for my comment but I’m just being truthful about my experience and what I’ve witnessed in others for many years.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, also from my personal experience with a poly guy. I do not see this structure will work for people wanting deep connections and real commitment.
@@wl5062 I think you are not understanding the diversity and possibilities within polyamorous relationships. I am solo polyamorous with relationship anarchy leanings and I have 2 partners currently. I've been in a relationship with one for almost 10 years, the other for about 7 years. I assure you, we are connected and committed partners to one another. Sure, it is not the best relationship style for everyone and there will undoubtedly be people who use the labels as an excuse or cover for unethical behavior. But people in monogamous relationships can also misrepresent themselves and treat others poorly.
Open/poly is not safe once a partner decides they are no longer comfortable with it. My ex (a narc) manipulated, lied, and broke the rules while holding me to my end of the agreement and ignoring my pain. Triggered a CPTSD flashback that lasted months. He's gone now.
Trauma driven choices. I've made so many choices in my life due to anxiety and depression. CPTSD messed up my life. I'm 57 now and feel like it's too late and don't have much time left.
Yes, I am also struggling with that issue. Although I actually see the future as looming ahead of me without anything positive in it. I don’t want to live another 30 years feeling this way but I can’t leave my family.
I heard something once and I hope this helps: imagine you are 87 and you had the opportunity to go back in time into the 57 year old body you have now -you’d jump at the chance. We all would. You have decades left. Decades left of learning, exploring and loving the people around you. Life is short, but for the lucky ones, life is also very long. There’s plenty of time left ❤️
I know you probably will not see this, but I just wanted to say that--as a bisexual woman in a very happy polyam relationship--everything you say in this video is 100% true, right down to the difference between relationship/relationships. I think people have a hard time just reading through the labels and hype, and if you are a wounded person this is a really precarious path to follow. Thank you for speaking plainly and protecting vulnerable people; anyone who has a problem with that just has problems. End of.
Thank you for covering this topic. I was poly for a few years a long time ago in a properly transparent way by conscious choice. People who weaponise it to use people make me angry. It’s an abuse of a perfectly valid choice. One can be upfront and considerate of other people AND be poly. Donning it as a mask and being predatory is a whole different thing. In the end it wasn’t for me but I don’t regret it. Nobody got hurt and it was a worthwhile experience at the time.
As a person who has done both poly and monogamous relationships - I think both can be healthy and fulfilling. It’s all about what you want and what works for you! However, I do agree that some people abuse non-monogamous labels to manipulate people into tolerating things they otherwise wouldn’t. A polyamorous partner is like any other partner, they owe you care, consideration, empathy, respect and love. If they aren’t doing that, get out of there!
Poly my ar....se. The guy makes an "exploration" just ONCE, I'll be done forever. I have no time for anyone who's never managed to find their way back from Woodstock (figuratively speaking).
I'm a gay man, and monogamous, I tend to describe myself as demisexual due to the emotional connection being so important to me. I found, in my culture, straight men and bi-sexual men are using less emotional mature men for their sexual ends, and they usually have a primary relationship that gets drug through this process. I think all partners would do better with commitment and more honesty. I really don't want to end up in another relationship where my partner thinks they are doing me a favor by tricking me into an open relationship
Amen. Gay men are particularly toxic and in denial about the abuses happening between men. There’s also a clear message to young gay men that you must accept being poly or you are somehow limiting your dating pool. Meanwhile most of us are terribly lonely.
I've been watching a few of your videos here and there. When you said that you lose subscribers for talking about polyamory in that way and said it isn't good I subscribed. You've also mentioned in the past that you're wary of certain medical professionals advice. I hope you continue to speak your mind openly like that and say what should be said.
I was propositioned into poly when in full CPTSD. I already knew I had an addictive personality and did not want to open up that Pandora box. Very conscious about that. He told me he wants to have a hall pass once a year. I said what's good for the goose is good for the dander. Never heard from him again. His first sexual experience at 12 was with a woman his step dad just had sex with. Ugh. I was not on a full healing path although I was not having it. Happy I stood my ground.
I could never be poly or date poly. The simple answer is I like to feel SPECIAL to my partner. You are never really special in a relationship other than monogamous because you are not the only one for that person, whether it be currently or at some point in the future. Temporary manogamy doesn't count. I think people should ask themselves what it is they are pursuing. Is it a stable, secure long term relationship? Or basically "fk friends" because it's fun, convenient, novelty, and doesn't seek to attach (not enmesh or engulf!) which is human nature to do btw.
Not an argument nor a defense, because polyamory is NOT for everyone. In fact, I think there are very few people who can make it work. Where they work, they absolutely depend on everyone having boundaries and respecting them. If the OP/letter writer explains that the relationship just isn't right for them (anymore) and they need something else, the child will eventually understand. Honesty is the ONLY way to do relationships, poly or mono, and telling this partner that you're not poly and not interested in going forward is what, IMHO, you owe him AND you. And especially your daughter. Wishing you ALL the luck with the difficult conversation and finding a partner who better fits you. ❤️
7:25 youre doing thé right thing Anna 👏🏻 what is an irresponsible subscriber compared to a person or family in pain who needs a good advice? If someone is about to fall, the good friend is the one who says: “ HEY WATCH OUT!!!” ❤
I've dated a guy who's father was a serial cheater. His mom wanted to do a family system constallation together and his dad agreed. That's where all the cheating came to life, right in front of him and in front of his wife. He couldn't handle this reality and when they got home he jumped through a window, landed on a car and was half paralyzed for the rest of his life. And recently I dated someone who's father set himself on fire, and died. Is this why we attracted each other? Because we have the same father-wound?
Another thing that worries me: if he is poly, he CANT resist, control himself, say “no”.. her teenager is in risk.. this man won’t stop his irresponsible impulses just because it’s her. No boundaries…. I hope she finds someone better in her life: herself Heal, clean, find order, hierarchy, God She took care and responsibility of her little sister, wow! ❤ so she can do the same with her daughter! :)
Hi! I'm a poly person in a monogamous relationship. I agree 100% that you can not and SHOULD NOT force people to break their boundaries- be it monogamous or poly. If it doesn't work it doesn't work and people can separate on good terms and stay friends. I learned I am poly overtime, but I love my husband to the moon and back and I don't even think about changing our monogamous relationship as that's what he wants and I love what he wants ❤️ (we celebrated our 6 years together in September, yay!) I do believe that being poly is possible, but I agree that it takes a LOT of work and a LOT of communication. If every single person in the relationship is not on the same page it won't work and unfortunately it is rare to find that many 'good at communicating and actually there for the relationship' people. I read a quote from a poly person that said something similar to: "A relationship is like taking care of a plant. You have to know the plants needs and wants, how it grows, the environment it thrives in and what is poisonous to it. The more plants you take on, the more you have to focus on these aspects and on each individual plant. No plant can be ignored, less it slowly dry out and die. A poly relationship is not for everyone, but it can be done with the right people. 🌻" This is not to argue with anyone, I just wanted to comment a different perspective. Thank you for reading :)
Amazing perspective!! Thank you for sharing!!! And agree with all of this. Your partner is lucky to have you and I’m sure likewise!! Many blessings to you both. Your story brought tears to my eyes.✨💗
I’d love to add my positive poly perspective too, and I love that quote! there’s so much love to give and with the right people it can work wonderfully. This is my first time being in a poly relationship and it’s by far the healthiest and most communicative relationship I’ve ever been in.
So you told your husband you wanted to date and sleep with another man and he refused to give you consent to traumatize him. In the past generations, it would have been seen as insulting to even say this to your spouse. Why would you even tell them that unless you are hoping to convince them to give their consent? It's not like you don't know they are monogamous. There are people who put a condition that either the spouse gives in to their demands or they are leaving the relationship and the spouse is mentally in a bad position. I think if you are poly, the best thing you can do is not "honesty" You just tell the person you want a divorce.
@limitlesky I didn't tell my husband anything outside of "I think I'm poly, as in meaning if I was single I'd be open to dating two people maybe." And then we talked and the subject changed. You know, communication? Where I told him I'm with him and don't care about changing our relationship because I love him? Really useful stuff, communication. I told him this because we are highschool sweethearts and, well, people change and grow overtime. I was not saying I NEED to be in a poly relationship - I literally only was thinking about the hypothetical of 'if this relationship didnt work out, what would I do?" And exploring from there. No need to project your fears onto me but thank you ^^;
When I was 20, I thought I was one of the promiscuous people. Now I learned it was just a coping behavior with my depression, cptsd. I'm celibate for 2 years and I don't even feel the need to have sex now.
I do not agree that he should stick around as a friend to the daughter and it has nothing to do with him being poly. He hid his sexuality and his willingness to explore with others. What more will he do?
I love you. I just found your channel and will be watching all your videos. I need this advice... 53 and realized I have been spiritually bi-passing. Trauma is back so here I am thank you thank you
Wow Anna, I 3000% plus agree w your view on “poly” and the danger it does . Aside from acknowledging my own trauma wounds, there is a woman (she’s in her 40’s) who is married and whose husbands “girlfriend” lives in w them and she, this co-worker has openly shared they are in a poly relationship , and guess what, this co worker is over 400lbs likely and can barely move and is literally one of the most lazy people I work with who also “cheats “ the time clock all the time with very low integrity w her work ethic. I feel for her but I know her eating and other issues have probably gotten worse due to this “poly” marriage . I’ve worked w her for 5 years and her weight keeps on get v heavier and heavier . She also dresses like a junior/ :high schooler. It’s very sad .
One of the reasons I believe polyamory causes so much pain is due to the simple fact of having to choose between partners. Imagine being rejected over and over by your partner over another partner and you also doing the same to multiple partners. It kills your self-esteem and your whole life becomes survival mode. You may have more people that care about you but they aren't reliable. You distract yourself with hobbies, you spend most of the time processing, and gaslight yourself into thinking that everything is okay. I worry for those who are pressured or recruited into poly. Poly people should stop pursuing mono people.
Thank you Anna. I feel like it’s a poisonous thing corrupting gay relationships these days, reducing my dating pool. But i am not going to compromise, it’s not for me, AT ALL. But seeing it so popular among gay people, it makes me lose hope in finding a committed and monogamous partner.
I think polyamory can work for some securely attached people. Even then it's at least as hard as a monogamous relationship. For people with an insecure attachment style like myself, I experienced poly often get's in the way of healing trauma wounds. I still find it hard to find and commit to the right person and not committing to the wrong person and be able to tell the difference. Especially when I'm triggered. That said, I have seen people who make it work. I wish I could, too. It's just not for me. Thanks Anna, keep it up.
So many people have weaponized polyamory and that is not okay. However, I believe its important to consider that there are many ways to romantically connect and have relationships. Its obviously crucial that you and your partner are in alignment with your values and what constitutes a safe and loving relationship looks like. I dont say that with the sentiment that it is easy in any way, but if something truly is authentic to you, I say go for it and dont feel shame because its not status quo. We are all so different and I just cant get behind the idea that there is only one way to romantically relate to other human beings. I know it can likely be a precarious situation when it comes to poly love bc it is extremely complex. Many people who get into polyamory do not have the awareness and /or care to consider all the factors like attachment, cpstd etc. Thats just my take. Proceed with immense caution! But also dont feel shame for feeling or preferring something outside of the norm. I do agree it is probably not for most, but hey you could be a unicorn! 🤷🏾♀️ Saying all this as a monogamist.
I would be less concerned about breaking up - I would not trust him with my daughter since he likely has a physical control issue - she needs to check the daughter for abuse not worried about how she will take it
I’m willing to wager the daughter knows something isn’t right. The best way to help your daughter is to respect yourself. Do you want her to be in a relationship with someone who treats her this way? Safe or not you’re endangering yourself to an std. don’t do that to yourself & your daughter. She deserves a real family, as do you. ❤️🩹
I'm still traumatized by my ex-husband 'coming out as poly' our marriage. He claimed he thought I would be okay with it because he believed I was open-minded and progressive. I am those things, but I still have boundaries. Then he claimed my heartbreak was abusive to him because it made him feel bad.
My progressive friends say poly is for equality but 9 times out of the ten the arrangement is the same as Mormon or Islam polygamy: one mediocre dude and two or more sister wives who aren’t attracted to each other and not seeing any other men.
I think people are misusing poly for lack of self control. If you research how poly relationships started, it’s till means ALL PARTIES have to be faithful. I’m glad she spoke on her story, I think it’s ALOT of women dealing with this, men that are overly sexual then turn to men bc it’s not enough and dragging her along. I’m so sorry
I "dated" this guy that I met when I was 18 and he was 36. At first I didn't want anything to do with him. He was in a position of power. I suffered CSA and then another terrible sexual abuse when I was 19. He was always there, wanting to be my friend and that lasted for about 4 years. After that I got tired of him persuing me and gave in. I started going out with him and he was kind and nice to me. But when we weren't together it was like he'd just forget about me. He wouldn't text or ask me if I was okay or anything. And when I did he'd act normal as if going weeks without talking was normal. I felt like my head was boiling the entire time. He didn't give me anything. I saw him every weekend and when Sunday arrived, he'd hurry me out the house bc he had to see his best friend (it was actually true...) and he never took me there. I never met his parents or friends. No one. We never had a lable and whenever I'd bring it up he'd say that we didn't need that etc etc. just very frustrating, I just wanted love and to be cared about as much I cared about him. Id always mentioned how I'd love to meet his parents but he didn't care. So I started seeing other people and so did he, although I'm 100% he never really stoped seing anyone. I'd find women's mascara on towels, strands of different haircolors in the house etc. but since we didn't have a "relationship" I couldn't be upset about it... He just kept me there... Hanging.. I was so confused the entire time, didn't know which way was up or down. I went on a spree of dating multiple people but would always give him the priority. He'd talk about the women on the life but couldn't stand when I talked about who I was seeing. I eventually got very mad when he just went silent for months. He didn't even text to say merry Christmas and stuff like that. Almost 7 years went by and he resurfaced. I was a lot different, coming out of a quasi open relationship where I came out very much wounded. I loved the person and they just wanted to have fun with me while dating their "official" partner. I thought I was poly. I'm not, just very traumatized. So when he came back into my life (unfortunately I allowed it) he just invited me to his relationship with his then girlfriend of 7 years. They lived a married life, she lived with him, met his family, spent weekends with them. Did everything I always wanted to do but never could. It dawned on me that I never had that because he was already giving it to someone else. He never told me that.. so when he came back into my life I lit up and felt like I found love again (never did with him but I couldn't see it) so he told me about her, that they had an open relationship and stuff. I was sucked in into his world again. But this time it was worse. He'd gotten rich in the meantime and it seemed like he got more controlling and sometimes mean. I could tell that he controlled his wife (let's call her what she is), her whole life was 100% scheduled by him. Even the time she went to sleep and when she'd wake up. She did everything with him but they kept telling me she chose this for herself and that she was happy. His opnions were hers. Whenever I asked her opinion on something they haven't discussed previously, she just didn't have an opinion at all. I joined their dynamics... I really liked her bc she was a kind a good person and she was being controlled. Once he saw I was in on their relationship , he tried to control me too. But I'm not like her, once I see what's happening, you're not gonna control me. He became abusive and mean towards me. He'd criticize my every move while she tried to get me to act like he wanted. I drove them both crazy bc I just wouldn't comply lmao. I tried to be friends with her bc I really cared and worried about her (she's a very kind and loving person) but she wouldn't allow herself to become close friends for some reason..... So the humiliation and name calling began. He'd say I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't cook, I couldn't work out etc he once called me a r*tard and also put me naked in front of a mirror and scrutinized my body, saying all the things that were wrong with me. She watched all this happen. When he called me the R word, I was done. He knew my whole story for years since I made the mistake of telling him bc I trusted him and thought he loved me. He was the person I considered to my first man since I lost my virginity to abuse. And he still treated me so so badly. He was so mean. I still have a lot of stuff to talk about but it makes me angry and sad. Ps the whole time I was with him the first time, she knew about me but I didn't know about her. Very heartbreaking to find out about that.
Sexuality and having sex is a limbic brain behavior, like eating, it's a survival mechanism to populate a particular species and the drive is deep, primitive and self absorbed. Having a relationship with someone is a higher brain function that sets the framework for stable relationships and ultimately stable human community. It is a higher learning behavior. Yea, there are bad relationships and they should be dissolved, but trying to coerce people into poly sexual behavior is based on primitive and selfish instinctive behavior. Very self absorbed. Very popular right now, it's addictive for some and those that partake will defend it strongly, because it's an animal drive.
When you come from a polygamy. You should not wish that for your kids .i have been in this thing called marriage for 25years i am in a good place to counsell both men and women on do this very difficult thing the whole world dread think of the childrens future. If you don't have it give it.
Dont waste valuable years with someone who wants polyarmorus, if thats not what you want. You can be looking for a good commited partner. You can wake up one day and be too old to find anyone.
I do believe that some people are polygamous. My grandparents were swingers, in the 1950's. I relate to this very much & appreciate it. I ask people if they are monogamous or polygamous before the first date now. However, I used to always leave that door open for my partner. I recently was starting to become serious with a man, for the first time in years. He lied about his orientation & 2 months into dating (years of friendship) revealed he desires polyamory. I jumped that ship. Looking for something that is not confusing.
There’s no one kind of person who identifies as poly. My poly friends are strong-willed, trustworthy, highly self-aware, and strong communicators with strong moral convictions. I love them all, and don’t appreciate the stereotypes.
@@mookieblaelocker6504 You don't actually know. My sense it's an question for help, just reality check. We all have persons in our lives who can give us a reality check if we ask honestly. Can you give her for once the benefit of doubt please. She wrote a letter we all can learn from.
This plan works great for those that enjoy sleeping with multiple partners. Most people enjoy being their partners one and only because that’s the best part. People who are negative about this that’s on them. Let’s not worry about them. Let’s look at our wishes here in this situation.
I'm an EAV (Emerging Adult Virgin), so I don't get all those stuffs going on but the guy certainly sounds real untrustworthy both health-wise and emotional-boundary wise. While NGL I've seen enough of 'poor white local moms' after college and seeking for work myself + fighting with my own parents. I take it it's a diff. culture from where I grew up where ALL THE CLASSMATES I had in my home country were ready to oust me at a moment's notice but still. ...If I were to do something for myself I'd definitely put myself out of what is already causing ME yet another emotional TRAUMA. Staying in that position would be like calling oneself a nun (or monk) while doing all the things opposite the ordained being should do I guess. ..
In a time of AIDS, it was taught that when you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they ever slept with. I prefer to keep the body count minimal.
It's ok if someone wants to be poly provided their main partner is ok with it. She isn't. Step father's are when you get married. More than piece of paper. Hope she has strength to be who she wants to be and let this guy be who he wants to be. He's not a stable father figure. Sending love
Please I have a question : Do you make any connexion between PTSD, and ADHD behaviors ? I am wondering if I could be both, I already knew I was PTSD, but I had a test for ADHD , and I responded positive to 16/18 questions. I will go further and search for a professional diagnosis. I realize how broken we can be after a chaotic childhood, even without knowledge of it.
Why would she lower herself to his standards? He sounds narcissistic. I worked with some of today's younger generation, and I'm amazed at their sexual behavior. No poly for me. I might just stay single forever. This is a little off-topic, but I find work troubling after the way my mother was treated by coworkers. I see many of the people I work with as lazy and dishonest. It causes many problems. People have given up and don't care.
I believe that polygamy is a bad idea and the letter is a perfect example as to why. What’s the point of being in a relationship with someone when you’re not going to commit? Yes, I know that marriage allots legal benefits that a common law marriage doesn’t. But there’s loopholes around that. There always are. I feel bad for Kate and I feel especially bad for her daughter. Because, like it or not, her daughter is learning the lessons that it’s okay for her to be treated like crap because “communication is key” and that “we love each other but we sleep with other people.” Good on you, Kate, for recognizing the cycle and trying to break it for your daughter! Keep working hard and healing and be there for her!
I think monogamy is a bad idea, and that one horrible experience I heard that is unfortunately common in a monogamy-dominated culture is why. See how that sounds? Be monogamous if you want. Let poly people be them. As for toxic people, call that behavior out - but don’t conflate their behavior with the whole of poly lifestyle
I would like to inquire where I can find a book authored by you that my Chiropractor recommended I read that she strongly advised as she was also a child of emotional abuse. Focused on trauma vibrations lodged in your body and mind. Fabulous sounding. I didn't write it down and I would like the name of it if I am describing it correctly. Wow it was another powerful advenue of healing and awareness of it. Thank you
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I'm glad that someone is talking about this. People trying to coerce monogamous people to "explore" poly is just emotional abuse.
Coercion is never OK. The reality is that sometimes it's not coercion at all, but someone who doesn't have experience with non-monogamy will assure the other person they'll be OK with it, and then after they fall in love they discover it's not OK at all. I've seen this many times. I've been that person! I don't blame the poly person in this situation, it's hard for them, too.
Why don’t they just go for poly people like themselves?
It is ghastly! Cheating is deplorable! Utterly disrespectful!
@@concernedsaI think part of the problem is that they are referred to as “poly people” as if it’s part of their identity rather than a willful choice. Being straight, gay, cis or trans is not a choice and should be accepted as part of who a person is. “Polyamorous” is not a gender nor a sexuality. Many monogamous people are sometimes attracted to people who are not their partner. That is a **normal** part of being human regardless of gender or sexuality. Some people who choose to live polyamorous or even polygamous lifestyles talk about it as if it’s some special sexuality and that it’s somehow bigotry to have an opinion about their relationship choices. Being discriminating about what is healthy or not is not the same as discriminating against other people.
Yes. There are plenty who want poly and they should settle for who they can get in their own pool.
I am a poly person and I support this video.
If you aren't poly, don't do it. If you try it and realize it isn't for you, get out of there. Don't stay in a poly thing if you don't like it. Don't allow a poly partner to stay if you don't like it. You're allowed to have needs and kick partners who don't meet them.
Do it.
Most genuine people will understand and support you. If they don't: they're gross and something else is going on. Some people are twisted and use 'I'm poly" to guilt partners. That's not okay. Get away from them.
Also, monogamy is legit. Don't let any poly person tell you otherwise.
Don't settle for something you dont want no matter what that is. It's a deal breaker for both parties.
I agree with this 😊.
Im poly and agree❤
Totally! Major red flags when poly people poo-poo monogamy or try to push poly like it's the "enlightened", "most true", etc. You're absolutely right that genuine people will understand! Treating someone else's values as important is part of loving them or just being loving to self, if anything it's a baseline of being an accepting and unproblematic person. It's tough to see it when you've grown up without importance placed on your own values but learning to accept it yourself is 💕🦋🦋💕
This.
I have been poly for years; I like it.
recently there’s been an influx of people coming to the poly lifestyle who clearly aren’t fully in to it. I find these people really need counseling.
Likewise! I'm poly and found another partner that is too. It's not the relationship style that's the problem here- it's the "poly" (in quotes on purpose) partner that is just using the style as an excuse to hurt others by crossing boundaries and breaking trust and just overall being selfish.
I also support this video because her messaging is good no matter the relationship style you might be in and each relationship should be able to stand on its own merit on a foundation of trust and mutual respect. If that isn't happening, that's a problem and you need to protect yourself from being hurt. 🖤
Former woman who was in a 5 year polyamorous relationship. Not for me never for me and it was a learning lesson. Remember to choose yourself and choose the life you want. Things never get better unless you change them
Most of the West is predicated on monogamy so to face polygamy when that's not what you signed up to is horrific! Totally disgusting!
The daughter at twelve-years-old likely already knows what's going on. She may either not want to bring it up because she is uncomfortable or doesn't want to rock the boat. Kids are very intuitive. Twelve-year-old me wanted my mom to be with someone who was committed to her and her only. 💖💖💖💖
Anna, this is so helpful to me... I'm a gaybman living with CPTSD. I've been in one polly relationship after the next and have found that most of my partners, like myself, were suffering from CPTSD and the polls relationships were just trauma bonding and always ended in destruction. The amount of lying and empty nights when I needed my partner, but they were busy with loving someone else. I had to take a hard look at myself and ask why I felt so comfortable with accepting part-time love. I've been in trauma therapy for 10 years now, and I'm working on having a healthy, loving relationship
I was in a throuple for 5 years and that shit will break you! I'm so glad you're connecting your needs and that you're putting yourself first. I was drained and a source of income and energy for them. And I crap-fitted(I love that term Anna!) and I've developed such a better life today when I left and chose myself. I hope you feel better love.
Well done for getting out. And believe me, they were not loving someone else. They probably don't know what love is.
Good for you, I am hoping the therapy helps you see that you deserve better.
Thanks for your honesty and courage in speaking your truth about this subject ! Your insights are helpful, and the trauma bonding part I’ve never really thought about but it makes sense
Well done for getting out and stay true to yourself. The accuracy of your comment about being in a relationship while staying in empty bed while your partner is busy with someone else is exactly the same experience as mine. Poly people paint this beautiful picture of abundant love, however time and resources are limited, how do they be a good partner to multiple people if they all need him/her at the same time?
The daughter is already aware that Mom is miserable ... Don't teach her that staying in a miserable relationship is ok.
@@juanitamayes6329 that’s an abusive relationship, he’s here.. there and anywhere. :( the girl is learning that ….
@@juanitamayes6329 This.
As a gay man, I'm with Anna 100% on polyamory. If it works for others, thats great. However, I know it's not for me. Sometimes it feels like monogamy is going out of style with the community, but I'm not budging.
What does style have to do with relationships? How about getting needs met and not getting hurt or hurting others?
Couldn't agree more! ❤️🩹❤️🩹
The problem with polyamory is that it is best for people who are really good at relationships, but it is most often practiced by people who can’t get a single relationship to work…
@@pyalotvery true
I had a friend who was with a polyamorous guy - she thought it was a way to resolve her attachment issues. All it did was detabilize her, and therefore her young child. I saw her rationalise/intellectualise the way in which her emotional needs were not being met - she had to twist her thinking to make it ok. I suspect that polyamory is a way for guys to sleep around in an 'ethical' way - that's what I saw with her anyway.
It can also be a way for a woman to sleep around. A younger male friend of mine got involved with a bisexual woman. It took a while for him to realize he wasn’t polyamorous and preferred monogamy. At least she was honest from the start.
I agree: without judging anyone I’ve never seen that work
Call it poly, call it an open relationship, frame it how you want; the people I know who’ve tried have always found it unsatisfactory. One half of the couple accepts the uneasy compromise and then comes to resent it. In my anecdotal experience it’s always been one person accepting a situation they’re not happy with. My observations are similar to yours: someone always gets hurt.
The poly person I encountered (and some others I read online) said their experiences are very fulfilling. However from my personal experience that doesn’t seem true.
The poly guy said his wife and him are completely open with each other dating other partners, yet I found out that she asked him to put her picture on his phone lock screen knowing I will spend a week with him. Also other time the wife made bad comment about a girl he was seeing previously being “hate men”.
So are they really that free and is the relationship really that fulfilling, more than monogamy? I’m not sure if poly people try to convince themselves to believe that, or try to sell that to non poly people.
My ex told me before we started dating that he can be mono or poly depending on what his partner wants. That's one big red flag I ignored. He isn't even close to having the emotional intelligence or communication skills to manage one relationship, let alone multiple.
As a gay man I previously felt pressured to be okay with polyamory as it’s definitely pushed in gay culture even though it always felt wrong for me and worsened my CPTSD symptoms.
Stay true to your personal values and beliefs! I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with the love of my life, my husband, for 6 years and we recently welcomed our son. Words can’t describe how happy I am.
I had to stop letting the wrong people into my life as I could never heal my trauma wounds. Those people didn’t respect or value me as a partner. Listen to Anna, folks she knows what she’s talking about!
People that suffer from limerence should not... should NOT engage in poly. It's just adding fuel to the fire.
No one should.
Agreed. I think polyamory is definitely not for everyone and absolutely not something I would ever encourage others to explore.
@@sloth6247 That’s a really ignorant take.
@thegothlibrarian everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.
I've experienced limerence but that doesn't mean it strikes everytime with every person I meet.
I'm sympathetic to the idea of a poly relationship but I don't disagree with anything you or the letter writer felt or said. Also, as a recovering co-dependent, I'm very familiar with thinking I have to tolerate things that are actually unacceptable to me in a relationship. It's not ok for a poly person to romantically pursue anyone who is not themselves also actively pursuing that lifestyle. If they have to be convinced, it's not real consent.
Oh I'm so sorry! I hope no one ever finds themselves in one of these relationships ever again.
"you settled for the poly guy."
Well that definitely got my attention. At the beginning of 2023 I hung around this person for 2 months first month we were just hung out second month we were officially dating. I was the pursuer I ended up paying for things getting him gifts this and that. I'm being disabled by field brain surgeries and He's able body and has a job. I finally had to just accept that most people will continue to accept things from someone even if they don't really like them.
Bingo!
It's a gift to have a committed, monogamous relationship. This!
Went through this briefly with my ex husband 20 years ago . Gasslit myself pretty good .
Husband number 2 is an old fashioned fellow and I am SO relieved to be living in a traditional marriage. ❤
Im so happy you got out of that mess into a stable happy realationship!
@MLP8044 the word " cherished " is engraved inside my wedding band . I feel that . Every woman should feel that .
@@KarenSharinThat must be a wonderful feeling 😊
Totally- for me “relationship with no “s” is a sign of over philosophising - making an abstraction to talk yourself out of or away from the actual specific hurts, needs, experiences, disappointments that arise in *a particular* relationship. So, yes, a sign of self-gaslighting. Really appreciate you naming this!
I find it interesting that poly people absolutely *INSIST* on be accepted but are unwilling to accept that not everyone wants to fuq around 🤔respect is a one-way street I guess🤷🏽♀ and I hate getting with a dude that claims he's monogomous, but then surprise, he's "poly". and from what other poly people have told me, they use that as an excuse to sleep around because being poly still requires communication and actual relationships and trust, like any other "normal" relationship. they say those guys are using it as an excuse to sleep around and not commit but want *you* to stay faithful to them; in short, they just want a Harum of young , beautiful women because they're selfish and h0rny
I find it interesting that monogamy has just as many problems as poly but monogamous people act like its suddenly perfect when they're comparing the two relationship types. Respect is indeed a one way street if you cannot get around the flaws that exist in both relationship types and think one is more valid or less abusive than the other. communication, trust and all the things a relationships require are required in BOTH. and if someone doesn't do those, it's not because of monogamy or polyamory, its because of that Person.
Anna, thanks for your honesty and integrity around this topic. From my experience, I whole heartedly agree with you. I also have yet to come across a couple who could actually make a poly relationship work out in the long term. They seem to crash and burn inevitably. A lot of poly people want what they want when they want and do not want to take responsibility or want a free pass to lust after whoever, whenever. The problem with this is it often lacks discernment and respect for others. This can be really hurtful for those of us with CPTSD. I’m sure I’ll get a lot of hate for my comment but I’m just being truthful about my experience and what I’ve witnessed in others for many years.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, also from my personal experience with a poly guy. I do not see this structure will work for people wanting deep connections and real commitment.
@@wl5062 I think you are not understanding the diversity and possibilities within polyamorous relationships. I am solo polyamorous with relationship anarchy leanings and I have 2 partners currently. I've been in a relationship with one for almost 10 years, the other for about 7 years. I assure you, we are connected and committed partners to one another. Sure, it is not the best relationship style for everyone and there will undoubtedly be people who use the labels as an excuse or cover for unethical behavior. But people in monogamous relationships can also misrepresent themselves and treat others poorly.
I can relate . I have stayed in a relationship that isn't really right. And now I've been uprooted again.
Anna your advice is soooo good. And your sensitivity to the emotional nuances of language is extraordinary. I wish you were my therapist!
Open/poly is not safe once a partner decides they are no longer comfortable with it. My ex (a narc) manipulated, lied, and broke the rules while holding me to my end of the agreement and ignoring my pain. Triggered a CPTSD flashback that lasted months. He's gone now.
“i don’t want to argue with the poly people”
me either😅 thank you for this video💯
Trauma driven choices. I've made so many choices in my life due to anxiety and depression. CPTSD messed up my life. I'm 57 now and feel like it's too late and don't have much time left.
You can heal & have many years of happiness 💥…..I’m older than you & im doing it….let’s gooooo
I feel the same way my man. I’m 51 and feel like I’ve wasted so much time. I hope we both find the peace we are looking for. God Bless
I don't think it is too late for you Michael. Some people never realize there is a better way.
Yes, I am also struggling with that issue. Although I actually see the future as looming ahead of me without anything positive in it. I don’t want to live another 30 years feeling this way but I can’t leave my family.
I heard something once and I hope this helps: imagine you are 87 and you had the opportunity to go back in time into the 57 year old body you have now -you’d jump at the chance. We all would. You have decades left. Decades left of learning, exploring and loving the people around you. Life is short, but for the lucky ones, life is also very long. There’s plenty of time left ❤️
I know you probably will not see this, but I just wanted to say that--as a bisexual woman in a very happy polyam relationship--everything you say in this video is 100% true, right down to the difference between relationship/relationships. I think people have a hard time just reading through the labels and hype, and if you are a wounded person this is a really precarious path to follow. Thank you for speaking plainly and protecting vulnerable people; anyone who has a problem with that just has problems. End of.
Thank you for sharing this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for covering this topic. I was poly for a few years a long time ago in a properly transparent way by conscious choice. People who weaponise it to use people make me angry. It’s an abuse of a perfectly valid choice. One can be upfront and considerate of other people AND be poly. Donning it as a mask and being predatory is a whole different thing. In the end it wasn’t for me but I don’t regret it. Nobody got hurt and it was a worthwhile experience at the time.
Sometimes we go almost our entire lived experience not knowing that it’s ok, that we “can ask” for our conditions to be met. But we grow and we learn.
guy tried to convince me to do this and i'm so glad i didn't
"I was getting debauched." How to look at my youth. Thank you.
As a person who has done both poly and monogamous relationships - I think both can be healthy and fulfilling. It’s all about what you want and what works for you!
However, I do agree that some people abuse non-monogamous labels to manipulate people into tolerating things they otherwise wouldn’t. A polyamorous partner is like any other partner, they owe you care, consideration, empathy, respect and love. If they aren’t doing that, get out of there!
Poly my ar....se. The guy makes an "exploration" just ONCE, I'll be done forever. I have no time for anyone who's never managed to find their way back from Woodstock (figuratively speaking).
I'm a gay man, and monogamous, I tend to describe myself as demisexual due to the emotional connection being so important to me. I found, in my culture, straight men and bi-sexual men are using less emotional mature men for their sexual ends, and they usually have a primary relationship that gets drug through this process. I think all partners would do better with commitment and more honesty. I really don't want to end up in another relationship where my partner thinks they are doing me a favor by tricking me into an open relationship
Amen. Gay men are particularly toxic and in denial about the abuses happening between men. There’s also a clear message to young gay men that you must accept being poly or you are somehow limiting your dating pool. Meanwhile most of us are terribly lonely.
I've been watching a few of your videos here and there.
When you said that you lose subscribers for talking about polyamory in that way and said it isn't good I subscribed. You've also mentioned in the past that you're wary of certain medical professionals advice. I hope you continue to speak your mind openly like that and say what should be said.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Thank you for joining our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I agree 🙏♥️
I was propositioned into poly when in full CPTSD. I already knew I had an addictive personality and did not want to open up that Pandora box. Very conscious about that. He told me he wants to have a hall pass once a year. I said what's good for the goose is good for the dander. Never heard from him again. His first sexual experience at 12 was with a woman his step dad just had sex with. Ugh. I was not on a full healing path although I was not having it. Happy I stood my ground.
I could never be poly or date poly. The simple answer is I like to feel SPECIAL to my partner. You are never really special in a relationship other than monogamous because you are not the only one for that person, whether it be currently or at some point in the future. Temporary manogamy doesn't count. I think people should ask themselves what it is they are pursuing. Is it a stable, secure long term relationship? Or basically "fk friends" because it's fun, convenient, novelty, and doesn't seek to attach (not enmesh or engulf!) which is human nature to do btw.
Ditto
Not an argument nor a defense, because polyamory is NOT for everyone. In fact, I think there are very few people who can make it work. Where they work, they absolutely depend on everyone having boundaries and respecting them. If the OP/letter writer explains that the relationship just isn't right for them (anymore) and they need something else, the child will eventually understand. Honesty is the ONLY way to do relationships, poly or mono, and telling this partner that you're not poly and not interested in going forward is what, IMHO, you owe him AND you. And especially your daughter. Wishing you ALL the luck with the difficult conversation and finding a partner who better fits you. ❤️
7:25 youre doing thé right thing Anna 👏🏻 what is an irresponsible subscriber compared to a person or family in pain who needs a good advice?
If someone is about to fall, the good friend is the one who says: “ HEY WATCH OUT!!!” ❤
I am concerned about his focus on her daughter. As for the poly topic, it needs to be a mutual choice/decision.
Yeah, so what happens when she gets older. So a man "commits" to the daughter but not to the mother? Big, big red flag.
I've dated a guy who's father was a serial cheater. His mom wanted to do a family system constallation together and his dad agreed. That's where all the cheating came to life, right in front of him and in front of his wife. He couldn't handle this reality and when they got home he jumped through a window, landed on a car and was half paralyzed for the rest of his life.
And recently I dated someone who's father set himself on fire, and died.
Is this why we attracted each other? Because we have the same father-wound?
Thanks for your honesty, Anna.
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Another thing that worries me: if he is poly, he CANT resist, control himself, say “no”.. her teenager is in risk.. this man won’t stop his irresponsible impulses just because it’s her. No boundaries….
I hope she finds someone better in her life: herself
Heal, clean, find order, hierarchy, God
She took care and responsibility of her little sister, wow! ❤ so she can do the same with her daughter! :)
Being polyamorous doesn't mean you're going to rape people..
Totally agree, he has no boundaries
@@pixie3458 red red flag 🚩
You are so right again ❤❤❤❤thank goodness for you Anna,do you really understand how much you mean to so many people…..including me…god bless you🎉🎉😊
Dear lord. Here you are, describing my whole life, so specific....
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Hi! I'm a poly person in a monogamous relationship. I agree 100% that you can not and SHOULD NOT force people to break their boundaries- be it monogamous or poly. If it doesn't work it doesn't work and people can separate on good terms and stay friends. I learned I am poly overtime, but I love my husband to the moon and back and I don't even think about changing our monogamous relationship as that's what he wants and I love what he wants ❤️ (we celebrated our 6 years together in September, yay!)
I do believe that being poly is possible, but I agree that it takes a LOT of work and a LOT of communication. If every single person in the relationship is not on the same page it won't work and unfortunately it is rare to find that many 'good at communicating and actually there for the relationship' people. I read a quote from a poly person that said something similar to: "A relationship is like taking care of a plant. You have to know the plants needs and wants, how it grows, the environment it thrives in and what is poisonous to it. The more plants you take on, the more you have to focus on these aspects and on each individual plant. No plant can be ignored, less it slowly dry out and die. A poly relationship is not for everyone, but it can be done with the right people. 🌻"
This is not to argue with anyone, I just wanted to comment a different perspective. Thank you for reading :)
Amazing perspective!! Thank you for sharing!!! And agree with all of this. Your partner is lucky to have you and I’m sure likewise!! Many blessings to you both. Your story brought tears to my eyes.✨💗
I’d love to add my positive poly perspective too, and I love that quote! there’s so much love to give and with the right people it can work wonderfully. This is my first time being in a poly relationship and it’s by far the healthiest and most communicative relationship I’ve ever been in.
So you told your husband you wanted to date and sleep with another man and he refused to give you consent to traumatize him.
In the past generations, it would have been seen as insulting to even say this to your spouse. Why would you even tell them that unless you are hoping to convince them to give their consent? It's not like you don't know they are monogamous.
There are people who put a condition that either the spouse gives in to their demands or they are leaving the relationship and the spouse is mentally in a bad position. I think if you are poly, the best thing you can do is not "honesty" You just tell the person you want a divorce.
@limitlesky I didn't tell my husband anything outside of "I think I'm poly, as in meaning if I was single I'd be open to dating two people maybe." And then we talked and the subject changed. You know, communication? Where I told him I'm with him and don't care about changing our relationship because I love him? Really useful stuff, communication.
I told him this because we are highschool sweethearts and, well, people change and grow overtime. I was not saying I NEED to be in a poly relationship - I literally only was thinking about the hypothetical of 'if this relationship didnt work out, what would I do?" And exploring from there. No need to project your fears onto me but thank you ^^;
@@stingrayplushies I've heard this line by poly people "people change". Then do vows taken during marriage mean nothing?
This thumbnail is art. I'll never be able to settle for a poly guy because I'll see fairy looking at me like that😂😂😂
Agreed. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
When I was 20, I thought I was one of the promiscuous people. Now I learned it was just a coping behavior with my depression, cptsd. I'm celibate for 2 years and I don't even feel the need to have sex now.
Yes! Thank you for addressing this!
I would never leave my daughter alone with this “father figure”. He can come over with you in the room.
I do not agree that he should stick around as a friend to the daughter and it has nothing to do with him being poly. He hid his sexuality and his willingness to explore with others. What more will he do?
He didn't hide it. That's the point of polyamory. Open and honest.
Exactly- I’m scared for the kid
I love you. I just found your channel and will be watching all your videos. I need this advice... 53 and realized I have been spiritually bi-passing. Trauma is back so here I am thank you thank you
You didnt become an actor but you became something in my opinion better. Thank you.
Wow Anna, I 3000% plus agree w your view on “poly” and the danger it does . Aside from acknowledging my own trauma wounds, there is a woman (she’s in her 40’s) who is married and whose husbands “girlfriend” lives in w them and she, this co-worker has openly shared they are in a poly relationship , and guess what, this co worker is over 400lbs likely and can barely move and is literally one of the most lazy people I work with who also “cheats “ the time clock all the time with very low integrity w her work ethic. I feel for her but I know her eating and other issues have probably gotten worse due to this “poly” marriage . I’ve worked w her for 5 years and her weight keeps on get v heavier and heavier . She also dresses like a junior/ :high schooler. It’s very sad .
I cried, when you say, a 12 year old needs her father.
One of the reasons I believe polyamory causes so much pain is due to the simple fact of having to choose between partners. Imagine being rejected over and over by your partner over another partner and you also doing the same to multiple partners. It kills your self-esteem and your whole life becomes survival mode. You may have more people that care about you but they aren't reliable. You distract yourself with hobbies, you spend most of the time processing, and gaslight yourself into thinking that everything is okay. I worry for those who are pressured or recruited into poly. Poly people should stop pursuing mono people.
Thank you Anna. I feel like it’s a poisonous thing corrupting gay relationships these days, reducing my dating pool. But i am not going to compromise, it’s not for me, AT ALL. But seeing it so popular among gay people, it makes me lose hope in finding a committed and monogamous partner.
I think polyamory can work for some securely attached people. Even then it's at least as hard as a monogamous relationship. For people with an insecure attachment style like myself, I experienced poly often get's in the way of healing trauma wounds. I still find it hard to find and commit to the right person and not committing to the wrong person and be able to tell the difference. Especially when I'm triggered. That said, I have seen people who make it work. I wish I could, too. It's just not for me. Thanks Anna, keep it up.
So many people have weaponized polyamory and that is not okay. However, I believe its important to consider that there are many ways to romantically connect and have relationships. Its obviously crucial that you and your partner are in alignment with your values and what constitutes a safe and loving relationship looks like. I dont say that with the sentiment that it is easy in any way, but if something truly is authentic to you, I say go for it and dont feel shame because its not status quo. We are all so different and I just cant get behind the idea that there is only one way to romantically relate to other human beings. I know it can likely be a precarious situation when it comes to poly love bc it is extremely complex. Many people who get into polyamory do not have the awareness and /or care to consider all the factors like attachment, cpstd etc.
Thats just my take. Proceed with immense caution! But also dont feel shame for feeling or preferring something outside of the norm. I do agree it is probably not for most, but hey you could be a unicorn! 🤷🏾♀️
Saying all this as a monogamist.
I would be less concerned about breaking up - I would not trust him with my daughter since he likely has a physical control issue - she needs to check the daughter for abuse not worried about how she will take it
Thk you for this video I was so happy to see you yesterday in New York and I get your book 🙏
Thank you for being a part of our community!! -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m willing to wager the daughter knows something isn’t right. The best way to help your daughter is to respect yourself. Do you want her to be in a relationship with someone who treats her this way? Safe or not you’re endangering yourself to an std. don’t do that to yourself & your daughter. She deserves a real family, as do you. ❤️🩹
You never miss the mark! I LOVE your videos!
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks for sharing
So real about the "relationship" rather than "relationships" thing hahaha. Love ya Anna
Thank you Anna ❤❤❤
I'm still traumatized by my ex-husband 'coming out as poly' our marriage. He claimed he thought I would be okay with it because he believed I was open-minded and progressive. I am those things, but I still have boundaries. Then he claimed my heartbreak was abusive to him because it made him feel bad.
No chance will I ever get into a poly relationship, that would end my limerence real fast
My progressive friends say poly is for equality but 9 times out of the ten the arrangement is the same as Mormon or Islam polygamy: one mediocre dude and two or more sister wives who aren’t attracted to each other and not seeing any other men.
So insightful thank you
Lifes about choice
Choose wisely for yourself !The poly guy Chooses himself
Most of us settle for poly guys, this was just an honest one.
I know someone who is with a man like this. She allows the poly thing to stay with him
I think people are misusing poly for lack of self control. If you research how poly relationships started, it’s till means ALL PARTIES have to be faithful. I’m glad she spoke on her story, I think it’s ALOT of women dealing with this, men that are overly sexual then turn to men bc it’s not enough and dragging her along. I’m so sorry
I "dated" this guy that I met when I was 18 and he was 36. At first I didn't want anything to do with him. He was in a position of power. I suffered CSA and then another terrible sexual abuse when I was 19. He was always there, wanting to be my friend and that lasted for about 4 years. After that I got tired of him persuing me and gave in. I started going out with him and he was kind and nice to me. But when we weren't together it was like he'd just forget about me. He wouldn't text or ask me if I was okay or anything. And when I did he'd act normal as if going weeks without talking was normal. I felt like my head was boiling the entire time. He didn't give me anything. I saw him every weekend and when Sunday arrived, he'd hurry me out the house bc he had to see his best friend (it was actually true...) and he never took me there. I never met his parents or friends. No one. We never had a lable and whenever I'd bring it up he'd say that we didn't need that etc etc. just very frustrating, I just wanted love and to be cared about as much I cared about him. Id always mentioned how I'd love to meet his parents but he didn't care. So I started seeing other people and so did he, although I'm 100% he never really stoped seing anyone. I'd find women's mascara on towels, strands of different haircolors in the house etc. but since we didn't have a "relationship" I couldn't be upset about it... He just kept me there... Hanging.. I was so confused the entire time, didn't know which way was up or down. I went on a spree of dating multiple people but would always give him the priority. He'd talk about the women on the life but couldn't stand when I talked about who I was seeing. I eventually got very mad when he just went silent for months. He didn't even text to say merry Christmas and stuff like that. Almost 7 years went by and he resurfaced. I was a lot different, coming out of a quasi open relationship where I came out very much wounded. I loved the person and they just wanted to have fun with me while dating their "official" partner. I thought I was poly. I'm not, just very traumatized. So when he came back into my life (unfortunately I allowed it) he just invited me to his relationship with his then girlfriend of 7 years. They lived a married life, she lived with him, met his family, spent weekends with them. Did everything I always wanted to do but never could. It dawned on me that I never had that because he was already giving it to someone else. He never told me that.. so when he came back into my life I lit up and felt like I found love again (never did with him but I couldn't see it) so he told me about her, that they had an open relationship and stuff. I was sucked in into his world again. But this time it was worse. He'd gotten rich in the meantime and it seemed like he got more controlling and sometimes mean. I could tell that he controlled his wife (let's call her what she is), her whole life was 100% scheduled by him. Even the time she went to sleep and when she'd wake up. She did everything with him but they kept telling me she chose this for herself and that she was happy. His opnions were hers. Whenever I asked her opinion on something they haven't discussed previously, she just didn't have an opinion at all. I joined their dynamics... I really liked her bc she was a kind a good person and she was being controlled. Once he saw I was in on their relationship , he tried to control me too. But I'm not like her, once I see what's happening, you're not gonna control me. He became abusive and mean towards me. He'd criticize my every move while she tried to get me to act like he wanted. I drove them both crazy bc I just wouldn't comply lmao. I tried to be friends with her bc I really cared and worried about her (she's a very kind and loving person) but she wouldn't allow herself to become close friends for some reason..... So the humiliation and name calling began. He'd say I couldn't do anything right, I couldn't cook, I couldn't work out etc he once called me a r*tard and also put me naked in front of a mirror and scrutinized my body, saying all the things that were wrong with me. She watched all this happen. When he called me the R word, I was done. He knew my whole story for years since I made the mistake of telling him bc I trusted him and thought he loved me. He was the person I considered to my first man since I lost my virginity to abuse. And he still treated me so so badly. He was so mean. I still have a lot of stuff to talk about but it makes me angry and sad. Ps the whole time I was with him the first time, she knew about me but I didn't know about her. Very heartbreaking to find out about that.
So sorry you have experienced that, it all sounds hard but we're glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
I love your thumbnail. The statement combined your stare that knows more than I know haha
LOL...
Sexuality and having sex is a limbic brain behavior, like eating, it's a survival mechanism to populate a particular species and the drive is deep, primitive and self absorbed. Having a relationship with someone is a higher brain function that sets the framework for stable relationships and ultimately stable human community. It is a higher learning behavior. Yea, there are bad relationships and they should be dissolved, but trying to coerce people into poly sexual behavior is based on primitive and selfish instinctive behavior. Very self absorbed. Very popular right now, it's addictive for some and those that partake will defend it strongly, because it's an animal drive.
It works both ways.
When you come from a polygamy. You should not wish that for your kids .i have been in this thing called marriage for 25years i am in a good place to counsell both men and women on do this very difficult thing the whole world dread think of the childrens future. If you don't have it give it.
Dont waste valuable years with someone who wants polyarmorus, if thats not what you want. You can be looking for a good commited partner. You can wake up one day and be too old to find anyone.
Correct
I do believe that some people are polygamous.
My grandparents were swingers, in the 1950's.
I relate to this very much & appreciate it.
I ask people if they are monogamous or polygamous before the first date now. However, I used to always leave that door open for my partner.
I recently was starting to become serious with a man, for the first time in years. He lied about his orientation & 2 months into dating (years of friendship) revealed he desires polyamory.
I jumped that ship.
Looking for something that is not confusing.
I feel poly is someone addicted to attention and physical touch.
I'd wager to say most people that identify as "poly" have an addiction in some form or another
@ 👍👍👍👍👍
There’s no one kind of person who identifies as poly. My poly friends are strong-willed, trustworthy, highly self-aware, and strong communicators with strong moral convictions. I love them all, and don’t appreciate the stereotypes.
Sexual conquests can be too much escapism and projection of anxiety.
QUASI RELATIONSHIPS? ✅😮😮💨
What is she getting out of this??
attention
@@mookieblaelocker6504 You don't actually know. My sense it's an question for help, just reality check. We all have persons in our lives who can give us a reality check if we ask honestly. Can you give her for once the benefit of doubt please. She wrote a letter we all can learn from.
20:44 YES!!! 25:14 also YES:)
This plan works great for those that enjoy sleeping with multiple partners.
Most people enjoy being their partners one and only because that’s the best part.
People who are negative about this that’s on them.
Let’s not worry about them. Let’s look at our wishes here in this situation.
I'm an EAV (Emerging Adult Virgin), so I don't get all those stuffs going on but the guy certainly sounds real untrustworthy both health-wise and emotional-boundary wise. While NGL I've seen enough of 'poor white local moms' after college and seeking for work myself + fighting with my own parents. I take it it's a diff. culture from where I grew up where ALL THE CLASSMATES I had in my home country were ready to oust me at a moment's notice but still.
...If I were to do something for myself I'd definitely put myself out of what is already causing ME yet another emotional TRAUMA. Staying in that position would be like calling oneself a nun (or monk) while doing all the things opposite the ordained being should do I guess. ..
In a time of AIDS, it was taught that when you sleep with someone,
you sleep with everyone they ever slept with.
I prefer to keep the body count minimal.
@@b.questor considering 1 in 3 people have an STD now, I’d say that’s great advice in 2024 also. People have lost all respect for their bodies/health.
Being a lifeboat and a punching bag as a daughter. Boy, do I ever identify with that.
I would worry that the daughter is in an impressionable age, and his lifestyle would be a bad example for her.
It's ok if someone wants to be poly provided their main partner is ok with it. She isn't. Step father's are when you get married. More than piece of paper. Hope she has strength to be who she wants to be and let this guy be who he wants to be. He's not a stable father figure. Sending love
Please I have a question : Do you make any connexion between PTSD, and ADHD behaviors ? I am wondering if I could be both, I already knew I was PTSD, but I had a test for ADHD , and I responded positive to 16/18 questions.
I will go further and search for a professional diagnosis.
I realize how broken we can be after a chaotic childhood, even without knowledge of it.
Why would she lower herself to his standards? He sounds narcissistic. I worked with some of today's younger generation, and I'm amazed at their sexual behavior. No poly for me. I might just stay single forever. This is a little off-topic, but I find work troubling after the way my mother was treated by coworkers. I see many of the people I work with as lazy and dishonest. It causes many problems. People have given up and don't care.
I believe that polygamy is a bad idea and the letter is a perfect example as to why.
What’s the point of being in a relationship with someone when you’re not going to commit?
Yes, I know that marriage allots legal benefits that a common law marriage doesn’t. But there’s loopholes around that. There always are.
I feel bad for Kate and I feel especially bad for her daughter. Because, like it or not, her daughter is learning the lessons that it’s okay for her to be treated like crap because “communication is key” and that “we love each other but we sleep with other people.”
Good on you, Kate, for recognizing the cycle and trying to break it for your daughter! Keep working hard and healing and be there for her!
I think monogamy is a bad idea, and that one horrible experience I heard that is unfortunately common in a monogamy-dominated culture is why. See how that sounds?
Be monogamous if you want. Let poly people be them. As for toxic people, call that behavior out - but don’t conflate their behavior with the whole of poly lifestyle
And the Idea that a man can do whatever he wants, but a woman can't
Who are you going to call first thing in the morning?
Why would the guy agree to be a family friend...
I would like to inquire where I can find a book authored by you that my Chiropractor recommended I read that she strongly advised as she was also a child of emotional abuse. Focused on trauma vibrations lodged in your body and mind. Fabulous sounding. I didn't write it down and I would like the name of it if I am describing it correctly. Wow it was another powerful advenue of healing and awareness of it. Thank you
I think the book is called The Body Keeps the Score.
Rerugulated is the book authored by Anna Runkel.
Reregulated
So poly was hiding his true sexuality ? Yet he wanted a beard.