I just turned 70, grew up a people-pleaser and graduated to alcoholism. Been 20+ years alcohol-free, and now am focusing on dropping certain too-malleable words from my vocabulary, especially: "kinda" and "sorta." If it matters to me, it isn't "kinda" or "sorta." Just the adjective or verb, from now on. I'll be stuttering for a while, 'til I get used to this. I want to hear myself sounding clear, when it matters.
Keep practicing! You can do this - trust me. I was near mute when I left home, and barely spoke above a whisper. Now, after years of therapy and my own self work, I can confidently ask for what I want, negotiate fare wages, and work as a public speaker who can command a room of 300 + people - and feel confident and relaxed while doing it! The effort is worth it. You are worthy of being heard.
I can hear myself hurrying my words when I say something, because I'm always expecting to get cut off, or for someone to become irritated with my talking.
Same and i understand now that for 30 years, i attracted people like my narcissist mother. all my "ex friends" and "ex lovers" didnt listen to me. every time i tried to talk, they cut me off. They didn't care at all about my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings, my words. I would talk super fast and hope to not being interrupted but despite all my efforts, i was always ignored. It was all about them like my mother. They called only when they needed to vent but when I tried, they never had the time. When we were out, they always brung the conversation toward their problems, life...I was invisible Now that I'm on my healing journey, when i meet someone new, i just let them show me who they are. if the interrupt me multiple times, I leave and never talk to them again. It's not worthy to hope they will care because they won't. My new friends are great (not new because i grew up woth them but didn't have any contact for decades) they let me talk, they listen and react to what i say. They are curious about my life, asking questions. It's like playing tennis, they always give me the ball back and it feel marvelous (but sometimes strange cause I'm not totally use to it yet)
If you grew up having direct communication punished it's really a mind bender. It was hard to learn not to exaggerate my problems or feelings because if I didn't as a kid, it wouldn't be tended to. I was direct to begin with and was consistently punished for talking about what I felt and saw and experienced. I lost that for many years but now I'm starting to get that vibe back. Becoming me, being more straightforward and thinking about how I'm acting when I'm triggered as a symptom has helped so much with the shame that was blocking my ability to work on those reactions.
I had a similar problem. Explaining problems objectively and clearly didn't work. Eventually I figured that lying and screaming felt better and was about as effective if not more
Oh yes. I grew up in a rug-sweep family where all four of us would be screaming at each other and we'd go to bed and pretend it didn't happen the next day, I didn't get the memo early on so I'd be like "Can we talk about this now?" And get punished for it. "Why are you trying to start another fight?" "Stop causing trouble." Even though the issue wasn't resolved and I was just trying to understand! Doing that to kids twists their minds into a pretzel.
When we feel we are not heard, we sometimes talk more or a lot hoping they will hear you but people usually tune out a person who talks too much. I find that talking very minimally and when you speak be assertive and informative and not chitchat. Assertive Training has a technique called Broken Record which I have found very helpful.
@sallybyrd3712 Holy moly- there is actually an Assertive Training?! Omgosh where do I find this?! I just said - again- to myself today that I wish there was some kind of like days long intensive workshop I could go to that helps you learn how to stop being a freakn ppl pleaser and wire my brain to learn HOW TO SAY NO and to say wth I REALLY feel and to stop being the nice person who gets walked on. 47 yrs old with diagnosed CPTSD from consistent chronic child abuse and Major Depression and crippling ADHD. I desperately NEED to learn how to be assertive. Not being so has LITERALLY cost me in life altering ways. How do I find this? Thank you so much for leaving that comment. You just never know how something as such could change a persons life for the better :) ♡
This is exactly what I need I think, I just got my ADHD and Autism 1 diagnosis and good goddess I had no idea about the communication issues. I thought people just hate me
"No good things ever came from trying to make things work with someone who just doesn't care about you." My life is in this sentence. I am not talking about romance here, I'm talking selfish family members. My older sister is so mean. I have never told anybody about some of the abuse she piled on me when I was a little kid. She was 7 years older, stronger, meaner. I stuck by her and never told. Still today, as I just turned 73, she's as mean and selfish as ever. I can't seem to communicate with her. She gets so mad if I try to smooth things over and turns it upside down. I am lost now, and I give up on her. Little sister isn't as mean, but she plays "the baby" role. My brother, 2 years older, and I were close until we were about 10-12. He and my older sister used to try to kill each other while I hid in the closet. I am at the bottom of the pile, and I have to get away from them somehow. We are all damaged by the violent environment we had. I am the little servant girl. I keep trying to please, but they just don't care.
Blood doesn't make you family. That's something I had to learn in my mid 30's. After year's of trying to keep my family together, I realised I wasn't the issue and there wasn't a way to "fix" the toxicity. I blocked all the abusive people from my life because I was done being blamed for everyone's dysfunction and failures. You can do the same. Let them go. It's not your burden to carry.
I was controlled and dominated by my older siblings. They still try. My older sister is a nasty alcoholic that even tries to publicly shame me. She is an a___ole......So sick of the bullying and she is 71. They want to keep you down forever. Blood is not thicker than water. You have to protect and respect yourself first. A lot of us have lousy families, I guess. The best to you all!!!
I am looking to create a new family with people who like to tune their notes and make a beautiful harmony figuratively. I picture a team. And, like singing, sometimes it’s off key but knowing you are willing to try makes that perfect chord so lovely when it is reached on occasion. For now, it’s me and my husband doing a duet. It warms my heart that we are trying so hard. We laugh at ourselves a lot. 😂 And, my life was so challenging but I have come so far. Let’s all just keep rowing together in our boats. I’m waving at you all and so hopeful.
I spent my childhood being told children are seen and not heard, and spent most of my adulthood feeling I had no voice and those who I considered important to me not hearing me.
the saddest thing to me is that my friend is always listened because she's AGRESSIVE, and to be heard like her I would have to transform my personality to be and talk aggressively and I just don't want to
@ninaamy I've had that problem my entire life with siblings and co-workers. I've noticed over and over again throughout my life that verbally aggressive people get their way a lot, but I cannot become like them; I would be ashamed of such behavior. I'd always marvel that these people aren't ashamed of their behavior, until I figured out there's consistent enough payoff and so they aren't motivated to examine their behavior.
@@Cynthia-Landers perfectly said. we can't be like them because this isn't our nature and that would hurt our own feelings and moral, but them, they just don't care. but we'll I prefer to care, and I prefer to be kind. I rather not to let myself be corrupted by them and, well, the people who have a sense of respect will listen to us.
Growing up in single parent household w/Mom, I can relate to not being heard by her. I spent my childhood mostly tip-toeing around her to diffuse an anger bomb. So now, as an adult, Ive recognized when I’m trying to get my point across gently or politely, I can get impatient, then blunt (sometimes to a fault & I offend the person) I’m working on it.😮
Yes, I made a trauma based decision by starting a relationship with someone who could shut off his emotions and become very cold --on a dime: I’ve never dated someone so adept and leaving and turning cold over and over. The first time he showed me this side, I should have left. Instead I totally clung to him. I’m being more careful in my dating choices now.
I understand. I was engaged to a man like this. But i also recognize i became too intense because of feeling ignored. I made a promise to myself to cut off such people before losing my dignity
@@etcwhatever yes, this. It’s totally triggering to have someone breakup and or stonewalling for days over and over. It really heightened my triggers and responses. I’m so curious now that I’ve done lots of healing work around these triggers what I’ll be like around someone who doesn’t leave.
@@pippa8410 i hope it goes well and wish you the best. Im not very hopeful on getting back on a relationship. Im a religious person and i find it very hard to relate. I could be on the autistic spectrum, im waiting on my psychologist opinion. If i will be sent to an evaluation or not. The intensity also manifests when i dont have enough cool down time. But im eagerly seeing content on psychology and relationships to be improve myself somehow. 😉
Wow, this came at a perfect time. Thank you! I was thinking about "never having been heard" last weekend, while also feeling very vulnerable to self-sabotaging again and becoming a prey / being hoovered. The last abuse (from two and half years ago) made me realize that I'm simply not used to being heard, that's why I fell prey to someone who wasn't able/willing to hear me or to be responsive (in a way healthy non-abusive people would have been). I'm too terrified of being heard or seen, while also secretly craving it. The last abuse made me also realize that I have no voice. I lack self-advocacy. Dear Anna, is it possible that you make a video on how to advocate for oneself? I always feel like a child that is trying to get adults to hear/understand me. This past year, I understood that I'm not heard because I simply don't know how to advocate for myself properly. As children, we were sometimes punished for voicing our opinions too bluntly.
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. If you'd like to ask Anna a question, feel free to write a letter to her: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Nika@TeamFairy
If i wantto be accepted, I have to only say what I know will be acceptable to them. If I be myself and talk about topics that interest me, I''m either ignored or chastised for being rediculous.
many times I feel people are the most interesting when they speak of things that interest them deeply, no matter if I share said interests or not. their energy usually shift when they speak about subjects theyre really passionate about. Well, at least if they dare to speak with confidence.. and I understand that in order to do so, you need to be among people who appreciate you. ( so you can relax enough to feel confident.)
I wish i could overcome the abuse i went through as a child but its ongoing in my life due to patterns and systemic failures. And always I faced the challenges with optimism. But, to find my country has gone completely onto automation, well its like being raised by an abusive parent and I'm flooded with feelings of resentment and anger all over again. thank you for your videos and wisdom. Calm voice. Analysis and introspection.
Almost 65 and I still apparently tend to drop the volume of my voice at the end of sentences, as if i don't have the right to use up their time speaking, because people are always saying "What?", and I'm always feeling the need to speak fast, again to not use up their precious time. So combination of speaking too fast and dropping voice...of course it's difficult to hear. Just generally feel unworthy of speaking. ... and so used to being ignored that..hesitant.. sometimes mumble.. comes across as lack of confidence. No wonder I've drawn so many narcissists into my life.
Funny, this video made me think of childhood dreams. Even into adult hood. Someone was chasing me and when I would try to run and scream, I was in freeze mode, going nowhere and no sound coming from my mouth. Another reoccuring dream was being in the backseat of a runaway car down a hill, without a driver. Anyone else have similar high anxiety dreams? The best to you all!!!
This video came up just as I was ruminating on yet another situation in which I feel like my extended family deliberately ignore me. It often seems to me that my aunts, uncles and cousins go out of their way to praise my younger sister (who I thankfully have a great relationship with and whose success I celebrate because I know how hard it’s been for both of us to overcome our childhood). The same relatives refuse to acknowledge anything good that happens in my life. I have to remember that these cousins often bullied me mercilessly when we were children and I’m deluding myself if I expect them to magically change now we’re in our 40s/50s. I’ve tried being nice, being voluntarily silent, I’ve even tried directly challenging some of them to explain why they behave the way they do towards me. All I know is a lot of them behave as if I don’t exist. I have to remember that ultimately, they may be family but they aren’t my friends. My therapist tells me that I might make them uncomfortable because I don’t conform to the family group-think (which is a compliment from her 😅). The people who actually know me and sit down with me are worth the effort, but not my family. But even with my real friends I catch myself talking very fast as if I’m worried they’re not going to let me finish what I’m trying to say. I worry that I must be exhausting to be around. 😢
Feeling disregulated today. I'm giving myself some leeway since I'm tired, in pain and other stuff. Not being heard triggered it even though I tell others that just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't have things to do and that I loathe interruptions. I did apologize for snapping at the interrupter. And they have their own disregulation as well. So this video is quite timely for me. Thank you. 😊
It seems like 90% of NYC is narcissistic. People seem to only hear you if you're saying something they want to hear. There is a large cultural/societal component to our problem with narcissism. Empathy doesn't sell things, so a hyper-capitalistic society doesn't teach it. The world doesn't run safely on the egocentrism that is nurtured in our society. Survival and peace relies on nurturing compassion within society, but it's something we don't do, and so our people think only fools are compassionate.
I think you're about to save my life...I've been too counselors who just don't get it...but everytime I watch you seem too. For this I'm eternally grateful and please save me from myself 😢
~All those years when i used to visit my family, and my mother made a huge drama over me being a vegetarian, i wish sooo much i could have thought to say what ive thought of since then~Instead i kept telling her the veggies she made are more than enough, but she made me out to be a trouble maker & her to be the overworked victim, cuz she didnt make more, just for me~Digital communication(texting & email) has really helped me put into words how i feel, then save the draft, re-read it, wait till later, read it again, and maybe never send it, or maybe edit it~Once i feel clear & sure about it, having at least slept on it, ill send it, but often i just save it till i no longer need to say it, cuz it seems too angry~Other times ill realize its reasonable to say~This has help me a lot!~
I genuinely believe it doesn’t matter how I present my feelings to my mother because she’s never listened, even when I try so hard to be logical and not lash out, and control my tone, and word choice, and explain it well.. and so on and on. So much energy spent to try to get her to understand. The truth is, she doesn’t want to get it, because that would require facing the full shame of what she’s done. Sometimes we just can’t get through. And honestly.. I wouldn’t even want her as a friend, so I think it’s time to give up on trying to get her to be my mother, and do things that moms are supposed to do. She will never be what I need. The grief is a lot to face but I think it’s time. Maybe I’ll try one last time with a letter, and if she doesn’t get it, that’s it.
Right there with ya! Don't bother with the letter, unless you really want to. I did that with my mom telling her I wanted us to have a closer, better relationship and wanted to work on it. It was a 2 page typed letter I think; to many years have passed since then. But I handed it to her and after a week asked if she had read it, yes, and if she had any thoughts on it or wanted to talk about how we could move forward, etc. No, she didn't want to talk, nothing to say, basically acted like it didn't matter! I expanded my heart and soul to her in that letter; she wasn't worth the damn thought, concern that she didn't feel attacked, and all my efforts I put into it!! She just broke my heart yet again! Tried to just talk years later, and that didn't go anywhere either. For me, it wasn't worth the ignoring of my needs, and complete dismissal I got back in return. 😭
Honestly, save yourself the trouble. All this time, she hasn’t given you the courtesy of listening to you. Why would writing it out change anything? She won’t accept responsibility for how she treats you.
This video is helpful because my parents never listened to me so as an adult I tend to overexplain my POV as I think it will be more acceptable, and professional and I get genuine answers and quality time because I show my values and open up. And I will be interesting and loveable. The bad thing is that my family didn’t change so they still dont give attention, and it is a never ending circle. Over explaining your Views just bore people most of the time. They prioritise their beliefs, they don’t need some behind the scenes version of my needy ass😃🤷🏻♂️ I have to be more direct with my opinions and even hold back on conversations with some people because they are not worthy and don’t care, cannot take in what I say. On the other hand I have to focus on myself and my values with the same will and focus that I wasted on being good enough for others.
I just moved out of my fiance's and went into a panic and want her back. Gd cptsd. But, this video his so hard. I was soo mad she never listened to me or anything i said was an attack on her. Because i kept talking about parenting issues we've had with her son, i finally got to my wits end and lost it on Saturday, packed my bags, and left. Now im here. Sad, mad at myself, and hating this pain. I know why I got into this situation in the beginning: i didnt think i could be loved. I just wanted to pet a doggo, have a good conversation, and leave that park that day.
Same thing happened to me xactly a year ago, I wasn't engaged but we were together for 2 years When I left, I wanted to die but I reminde my self that the pain am in now is nothing compared to what Christ endured on the cross, and a year later I am in total bliss as if nothing ever happened, you really start getting better by the 3rd month. Remember the other side of pain is bliss, I hope his helps you.
Its not you, she had a previous child with someone else and speaks to her accountability and similar attitude issues to that. Glad you escaped when you could, else as a person with your level of care would undoubtedly be more hurt/suffering staying around. Tough love is a thing, so maybe she can change by her actions for the better. Until then, just remember you needed to defend your core self by leaving, and keep on a path that respects you, so that you can then be kind to others.
@@melaniebelk75I feel conflicted in sharing the list with her because she's got her own issues and doesn't notice shit. I mean, maybe she's playing me, but sharing a list, without her doing it first, makes me feel like I'm that crazy step dad telling her how to raise her kid. The kiddo poops his pants, at 8, (either by choice or accident (his words to her)) and the dad is uninterested in parenting short of "here's an iPad or a toy." Every weekend the kid comes back from his dad's with new stuff, but always has emotions too.
I have gathered people around me who have abused me in this way over a period of time. I've either been dependent on them to keep a roof over my head, or don't want to say how I feel in the event they won't help when I need them the most. The irony is, when I need them the most is when they walk furthest away. Not in a great situation right now, but know my life will change when I meet more people who DO actually want to hear what I have to say.
As a child, I have a distinct memory of being 3 years old; babysitter told me to do something and for saying no, got my mouth washed out with soap. Somewhere in my late 40s, realized I had never said no to anyone since.
I feel this way. Also, I wish I was better at communicating when I got upset and hurt by something someone said, that I could say it clearly, concisely, and politely to said person and then just remain calm.
I ended up dating people who were very convincing because their traits would help me to make my point, but in my family they were never willing to hear me or to sort out anything but to control me. This is a painful reality.
So how do I get heard at the doctors? At this point I’m genuinely concerned my health is deteriorating beyond repair and I’m being treated like an absolute joke while being in constant pain and debilitating illness without proper care. How do I change that? Medical neglect is actually taking away my life because I am not worth hearing
Hope you don't mind me chiming in here. I found information on a charity organisation and got the idea to ask to be referred to a specialist for my condition, my doctor changed my medication because 'they will ask if different medication has been tried'. It was a breakthrough moment for me if i hadnt asked that I would still be struggling on the wrong medication for me. Also to get an asthma diagnosis I had to repeatedly go back to doctors. I felt palmed off for years as I'd admitted to being stressed and I smoked, but I knew there was also something physical. Now I get steroid inhalers and feel much better. Maybe you can find out more about your condition, and get doctor to listen and get the right treatment, good luck
Ask whatever decision they make that you feel is not listening to you for them to put it in record that you were unhappy and the reasons why. When it’s on record, they’re much more likely to listen, or at least offer an alternative.
Get a notebook. Research your condition so you can be informed. Take notes on what treatments/medications are used for your condition. Write your requests and questions in the notebook and take with you to the doctor. Write down the drs response. If something doesn't make sense, say, "Can you please explain that again/in layman's terms" Ask questions like, "Why would we do x instead of try y" and "Why do you think x is the best treatment approach" Role play asking your questions with a friend or in front of mirror.
And what if a therapist falls asleep during your sessions, plural sessions. I've had it said, that was quite a story. These aren't stories, THIS IS MY LIFE AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME, IT'S NOT A JOKE OR ANYTHING ELSE. My trust again is going in the dumper.
Hello Anna. I came upon you at just the right time when I. M retired and have time to think and make better friends than I. ve had for periods in my life. Right now I.m getting out of a narcissists clutches. Somehow I was able to block previous this kind out of my life. Now it's like peeling back the rings of an onion going right back to when this all started. Thanks for giving me hope and tools to become more efficient in living a happy and fulfilled life. God bless and keep you.
I think part of it is cultural. I find this with language barrier especially in my Taiwanese culture. How some listen and process information is different. Their minds are too busy and hurried they are not thinking about what you say. They only prioritize listening and communication with those closest to them. Even growing up in America for so long I noticed differences in communication styles between ethnicities. Others cannot relate and in their mind they have deer in headlight. Sad to say is that most are unavailable. I use to think it was my parents but I find it a cultural wide problem. Behavior is taught and passed down.
When I try to be assertive, I come across as aggressive. Im just going to start staring at ppl when I want to make a point. Ppl listen when you have crazy eyes that stare into their souls lol
Thanks for this video. A few days ago, while on a trip, my mom told me, “you need to speak up”. When I mentioned that it was nice that my older sister FaceTimed her on her birthday. I didn’t see what the big deal was, it was for her, not for me to talk to my older sister. I do have trouble voicing my thoughts and feelings, and mumble and stutter sometimes. My brain thinks faster than I can speak. Especially since I started healing from PTSD with help with a therapist.
I could understand this if its something that happens in communication with most people. There is only one person who I feel this sense of overwhelm in my communication. I can be so direct about my specific problem or emotion but he stonewalls so I dysfunctionally verbalize even more. In a cycle that’s terrible and I want to rid myself of.
I unconsciously chose a mate who is perpetually disinterested in hearing me because it was a familiar dynamic from growing up. It gave me an excuse to avoid being “known”. I frequently resort to many of the dysfunctional communication styles you describe, and get so disheartened when they negatively impact meaningful connection with others. However, it is encouraging to know that these are patterns that can change, (as opposed to being personality traits that I’m stuck with).
what am I to do, when people are having a conversation amongst themselves in a room, say, in the kitchen. I wait for a pause in the conversation to add my opinion, then all the people in the room pick up thier phones and start texting. when I stop talking to see if they notice, when they realize Ive stopped talking, they change the subject. Or if I walk in the room where people are talking the conversation immidiately stops and pick up their phone. These people are regettably, my husband and adult children.
I wish I had an answer for you. I experienced some of that as well. I have been doing CCF Activities for about 15 to 18 months, I see a difference in myself and their reactions. Try some of these techniques, it may work out for you.
Thank you for this video. And I'm aware of how sometimes I communicate on the Internet is very wrong. And I'm taking steps to change that and not fall back into making the same mistakes when I become over emotional.
Can be trying if you were raised in a family that didn't communicate and express emotions. Not that you don't want to communicate, but it is like learning a new language and not knowing what the other person is hearing.
I’m an adult and I live with my mom. She’s getting older and I think it’s better to have family. My mom stonewalls me and has no idea what I’m talking about. I unfortunately have gotten used the one who loves me doesn’t understand or have time to care to understand me. So I’m trying to just move on and try to show my kids how it feels when someone cares
It's good to have family when they are loving and caring. When they are not it's better to move on, get your own place and build a loving life for yourself. Selfish uncaring people suck.
I work with a bunch of bullies and sheep. Those in charge have not been pleased when I speak up against unfairness. As a result I get about 3 sentences in a meeting and on the third sentence I am interrupted.
Hey Anna I just reread my notes from last month’s webinar, and they helped me so much just now. I’m so sorry I haven’t sent in the form for stories for your book. it’s turning out to be another tough school year of sickness. Anyway let me know if you’re still accepting them to send to the publisher. I can send it to you on Sunday if you haven’t received a lot. Or maybe it can be used for your NEXT book! 😊❤ Xo Krisma
Can we add in the fact that we may be trying to be heard by a gaslighter, conflict avoider, or even a covert? If you're an over responsible person you could forever think it's your problem. Like me for years. Coverts groomed me to confusion. I'm a very direct person but this has backfired on me more than a few times. Most people don't want direct. Especially the coverts. 🙄
Just a wish for a title that's fulfilling what it promises. I was expecting clear communication strategies in words and posture. There was basically no "do this". Kinda contradicts the message of the video. Still, the other insights very true.
1:26 OR... a thing that I observe a lot... The thing you have to say is contrary to their interests, desires, or wishes. Such as, maybe a bad boss doesn't want to hear your plan for solving a problem because they depend on the continuation of that problem. Such as, maybe a local politician doesn't want to hear your ideas about his pet legislation because then he'd have to agree that it doesn't really solve the problem it purports to solve. (I've had that happen twice.) The effect is the same as that third category, but the cause of it isn't personal! I think it's good to be aware that sometimes people don't listen to you and are never going to listen to you but it's _really_ not about you and you can't even say the thing in a different way. They literally do not want the information you are trying to share because it's not in alignment with their needs.
I suspect this happens more to crappy childhood survivors though, because some of us have gotten good at cutting through bullshit and identifying the key facts about things. That makes it very hard to deflect our ideas, and creates a strong incentive to ignore us completely.
Ann I just started listening to you and I appreciate your message. I’m trying to find your video that you talk about the taxi cab light. Towards the end you mentioned how it’s hard for a 3rd party to get involved with a woman that has past attachments. Can you please help me with finding this video?
How would you evaluate the expression during a conversation: "You don't understand" is the person asking for you to agree with what they said in a situation or is it because you bring in another option to the situation, and they dont want to see another side to the story. Maybe its a bit of controlling behavior? Not very valuating its feels like you've been gaslighted?
You can share a letter with Anna here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters Anna is, however, only able to answer a handful of the letters she receives. You may want to consider checking out some of her courses or coaching programs for further assistance :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I often starts my conversation with "sorry for interrupting" :) In fear my words are not important and in belief I should stop talking because it takes other ppls space. But I am learning now how to respect myself and see value in who I really am, what I do and say. Don't want to diminish myself anymore. Thank you for your chanel and content Fairy. It's a treasure for CPTSD ones 🩷
Omg I REALLY needed this 😢
I just turned 70, grew up a people-pleaser and graduated to alcoholism. Been 20+ years alcohol-free, and now am focusing on dropping certain too-malleable words from my vocabulary, especially: "kinda" and "sorta." If it matters to me, it isn't "kinda" or "sorta." Just the adjective or verb, from now on. I'll be stuttering for a while, 'til I get used to this. I want to hear myself sounding clear, when it matters.
Keep practicing! You can do this - trust me. I was near mute when I left home, and barely spoke above a whisper. Now, after years of therapy and my own self work, I can confidently ask for what I want, negotiate fare wages, and work as a public speaker who can command a room of 300 + people - and feel confident and relaxed while doing it! The effort is worth it. You are worthy of being heard.
Thank you.@@smustipher
Yes! Do it. There is nothing more appealing to predatory types of humans than someone who uses these words.
I can hear myself hurrying my words when I say something, because I'm always expecting to get cut off, or for someone to become irritated with my talking.
Me, too.
Me three!
Same and i understand now that for 30 years, i attracted people like my narcissist mother. all my "ex friends" and "ex lovers" didnt listen to me. every time i tried to talk, they cut me off. They didn't care at all about my ideas, my thoughts, my feelings, my words. I would talk super fast and hope to not being interrupted but despite all my efforts, i was always ignored.
It was all about them like my mother. They called only when they needed to vent but when I tried, they never had the time. When we were out, they always brung the conversation toward their problems, life...I was invisible
Now that I'm on my healing journey, when i meet someone new, i just let them show me who they are. if the interrupt me multiple times, I leave and never talk to them again.
It's not worthy to hope they will care because they won't.
My new friends are great (not new because i grew up woth them but didn't have any contact for decades)
they let me talk, they listen and react to what i say. They are curious about my life, asking questions. It's like playing tennis, they always give me the ball back and it feel marvelous (but sometimes strange cause I'm not totally use to it yet)
If you grew up having direct communication punished it's really a mind bender. It was hard to learn not to exaggerate my problems or feelings because if I didn't as a kid, it wouldn't be tended to.
I was direct to begin with and was consistently punished for talking about what I felt and saw and experienced. I lost that for many years but now I'm starting to get that vibe back. Becoming me, being more straightforward and thinking about how I'm acting when I'm triggered as a symptom has helped so much with the shame that was blocking my ability to work on those reactions.
I had a similar problem. Explaining problems objectively and clearly didn't work. Eventually I figured that lying and screaming felt better and was about as effective if not more
Oh yes. I grew up in a rug-sweep family where all four of us would be screaming at each other and we'd go to bed and pretend it didn't happen the next day, I didn't get the memo early on so I'd be like "Can we talk about this now?" And get punished for it. "Why are you trying to start another fight?" "Stop causing trouble." Even though the issue wasn't resolved and I was just trying to understand! Doing that to kids twists their minds into a pretzel.
When we feel we are not heard, we sometimes talk more or a lot hoping they will hear you but people usually tune out a person who talks too much. I find that talking very minimally and when you speak be assertive and informative and not chitchat. Assertive Training has a technique called Broken Record which I have found very helpful.
@sallybyrd3712 Holy moly- there is actually an Assertive Training?! Omgosh where do I find this?! I just said - again- to myself today that I wish there was some kind of like days long intensive workshop I could go to that helps you learn how to stop being a freakn ppl pleaser and wire my brain to learn HOW TO SAY NO and to say wth I REALLY feel and to stop being the nice person who gets walked on. 47 yrs old with diagnosed CPTSD from consistent chronic child abuse and Major Depression and crippling ADHD. I desperately NEED to learn how to be assertive. Not being so has LITERALLY cost me in life altering ways. How do I find this? Thank you so much for leaving that comment. You just never know how something as such could change a persons life for the better :) ♡
This is exactly what I need I think, I just got my ADHD and Autism 1 diagnosis and good goddess I had no idea about the communication issues. I thought people just hate me
The world is a better place because you are here. Thank you ❤
What a kind thing to say! We appreciate it!
Nika@TeamFairy
"No good things ever came from trying to make things work with someone who just doesn't care about you." My life is in this sentence. I am not talking about romance here, I'm talking selfish family members. My older sister is so mean. I have never told anybody about some of the abuse she piled on me when I was a little kid. She was 7 years older, stronger, meaner. I stuck by her and never told. Still today, as I just turned 73, she's as mean and selfish as ever. I can't seem to communicate with her. She gets so mad if I try to smooth things over and turns it upside down. I am lost now, and I give up on her. Little sister isn't as mean, but she plays "the baby" role. My brother, 2 years older, and I were close until we were about 10-12. He and my older sister used to try to kill each other while I hid in the closet. I am at the bottom of the pile, and I have to get away from them somehow. We are all damaged by the violent environment we had. I am the little servant girl. I keep trying to please, but they just don't care.
You deserve to live for you. You're no one's servant.
Blood doesn't make you family. That's something I had to learn in my mid 30's. After year's of trying to keep my family together, I realised I wasn't the issue and there wasn't a way to "fix" the toxicity. I blocked all the abusive people from my life because I was done being blamed for everyone's dysfunction and failures. You can do the same. Let them go. It's not your burden to carry.
I was controlled and dominated by my older siblings. They still try. My older sister is a nasty alcoholic that even tries to publicly shame me. She is an a___ole......So sick of the bullying and she is 71. They want to keep you down forever. Blood is not thicker than water. You have to protect and respect yourself first. A lot of us have lousy families, I guess.
The best to you all!!!
I am looking to create a new family with people who like to tune their notes and make a beautiful harmony figuratively. I picture a team. And, like singing, sometimes it’s off key but knowing you are willing to try makes that perfect chord so lovely when it is reached on occasion. For now, it’s me and my husband doing a duet. It warms my heart that we are trying so hard. We laugh at ourselves a lot. 😂 And, my life was so challenging but I have come so far. Let’s all just keep rowing together in our boats. I’m waving at you all and so hopeful.
In your 70s I truly hope you now have friends to fill the gap never filled by your brother and sister! ❤
I spent my childhood being told children are seen and not heard, and spent most of my adulthood feeling I had no voice and those who I considered important to me not hearing me.
We understand as few others can! I’m glad you’re here.
Nika@TeamFairy
the saddest thing to me is that my friend is always listened because she's AGRESSIVE, and to be heard like her I would have to transform my personality to be and talk aggressively and I just don't want to
@ninaamy I've had that problem my entire life with siblings and co-workers. I've noticed over and over again throughout my life that verbally aggressive people get their way a lot, but I cannot become like them; I would be ashamed of such behavior. I'd always marvel that these people aren't ashamed of their behavior, until I figured out there's consistent enough payoff and so they aren't motivated to examine their behavior.
@@Cynthia-Landers perfectly said. we can't be like them because this isn't our nature and that would hurt our own feelings and moral, but them, they just don't care. but we'll I prefer to care, and I prefer to be kind. I rather not to let myself be corrupted by them and, well, the people who have a sense of respect will listen to us.
53 years old and I still don't feel heard a lot of the time...
Same at 58
@@Lizz7711same at 64
Same at 55
same at 57
Same at 54. I am a part of a team of 4 teachers - and it is bizarre how ignored I am - even though I have the most experience. 😞
Growing up in single parent household w/Mom, I can relate to not being heard by her. I spent my childhood mostly tip-toeing around her to diffuse an anger bomb. So now, as an adult, Ive recognized when I’m trying to get my point across gently or politely, I can get impatient, then blunt (sometimes to a fault & I offend the person) I’m working on it.😮
This is SO me. Even when people actually say "I hear you," I sense that they're rolling their eyes.
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
Some people, especially in work situations, don't care what you think. They have the power and they use it.
Yes, I made a trauma based decision by starting a relationship with someone who could shut off his emotions and become very cold --on a dime: I’ve never dated someone so adept and leaving and turning cold over and over. The first time he showed me this side, I should have left. Instead I totally clung to him. I’m being more careful in my dating choices now.
I understand. I was engaged to a man like this. But i also recognize i became too intense because of feeling ignored. I made a promise to myself to cut off such people before losing my dignity
@@etcwhatever yes, this. It’s totally triggering to have someone breakup and or stonewalling for days over and over. It really heightened my triggers and responses.
I’m so curious now that I’ve done lots of healing work around these triggers what I’ll be like around someone who doesn’t leave.
@@pippa8410 i hope it goes well and wish you the best. Im not very hopeful on getting back on a relationship. Im a religious person and i find it very hard to relate. I could be on the autistic spectrum, im waiting on my psychologist opinion. If i will be sent to an evaluation or not. The intensity also manifests when i dont have enough cool down time. But im eagerly seeing content on psychology and relationships to be improve myself somehow. 😉
Wow, this came at a perfect time. Thank you!
I was thinking about "never having been heard" last weekend, while also feeling very vulnerable to self-sabotaging again and becoming a prey / being hoovered. The last abuse (from two and half years ago) made me realize that I'm simply not used to being heard, that's why I fell prey to someone who wasn't able/willing to hear me or to be responsive (in a way healthy non-abusive people would have been).
I'm too terrified of being heard or seen, while also secretly craving it. The last abuse made me also realize that I have no voice. I lack self-advocacy. Dear Anna, is it possible that you make a video on how to advocate for oneself? I always feel like a child that is trying to get adults to hear/understand me. This past year, I understood that I'm not heard because I simply don't know how to advocate for myself properly. As children, we were sometimes punished for voicing our opinions too bluntly.
You are not alone!
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. If you'd like to ask Anna a question, feel free to write a letter to her: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Nika@TeamFairy
If i wantto be accepted, I have to only say what I know will be acceptable to them. If I be myself and talk about topics that interest me, I''m either ignored or chastised for being rediculous.
many times I feel people are the most interesting when they speak of things that interest them deeply, no matter if I share said interests or not. their energy usually shift when they speak about subjects theyre really passionate about. Well, at least if they dare to speak with confidence.. and I understand that in order to do so, you need to be among people who appreciate you. ( so you can relax enough to feel confident.)
I wish i could overcome the abuse i went through as a child but its ongoing in my life due to patterns and systemic failures. And always I faced the challenges with optimism. But, to find my country has gone completely onto automation, well its like being raised by an abusive parent and I'm flooded with feelings of resentment and anger all over again. thank you for your videos and wisdom. Calm voice. Analysis and introspection.
Almost 65 and I still apparently tend to drop the volume of my voice at the end of sentences, as if i don't have the right to use up their time speaking, because people are always saying "What?", and I'm always feeling the need to speak fast, again to not use up their precious time. So combination of speaking too fast and dropping voice...of course it's difficult to hear. Just generally feel unworthy of speaking. ... and so used to being ignored that..hesitant.. sometimes mumble.. comes across as lack of confidence. No wonder I've drawn so many narcissists into my life.
Funny, this video made me think of childhood dreams. Even into adult hood. Someone was chasing me and when I would try to run and scream, I was in freeze mode, going nowhere and no sound coming from my mouth. Another reoccuring dream was being in the backseat of a runaway car down a hill, without a driver.
Anyone else have similar high anxiety dreams?
The best to you all!!!
Yes, as a child, being chased and very afraid, unable to move or scream, taken me 50 yrs to understand the implications of the dynamics in the family
@@skinscapetattoo
Yes, I am still learning. I need to work through my freeze response.........
Dysregulation makes me make mountains out of molehills..
everything was always dismissed, my mother still does it and now i know why i am the way i am
This video came up just as I was ruminating on yet another situation in which I feel like my extended family deliberately ignore me. It often seems to me that my aunts, uncles and cousins go out of their way to praise my younger sister (who I thankfully have a great relationship with and whose success I celebrate because I know how hard it’s been for both of us to overcome our childhood). The same relatives refuse to acknowledge anything good that happens in my life. I have to remember that these cousins often bullied me mercilessly when we were children and I’m deluding myself if I expect them to magically change now we’re in our 40s/50s. I’ve tried being nice, being voluntarily silent, I’ve even tried directly challenging some of them to explain why they behave the way they do towards me. All I know is a lot of them behave as if I don’t exist. I have to remember that ultimately, they may be family but they aren’t my friends. My therapist tells me that I might make them uncomfortable because I don’t conform to the family group-think (which is a compliment from her 😅). The people who actually know me and sit down with me are worth the effort, but not my family. But even with my real friends I catch myself talking very fast as if I’m worried they’re not going to let me finish what I’m trying to say. I worry that I must be exhausting to be around. 😢
I communicate just fine. If people refuse to listen or dismiss what im saying, the issue is with them.
Feeling disregulated today. I'm giving myself some leeway since I'm tired, in pain and other stuff. Not being heard triggered it even though I tell others that just because I don't work doesn't mean I don't have things to do and that I loathe interruptions. I did apologize for snapping at the interrupter. And they have their own disregulation as well. So this video is quite timely for me. Thank you. 😊
I think you've just written the comment I was about to write. Me too.
Thank you so very much Crappy Childhood Fairy for empowering us with so much empathy 💗
It seems like 90% of NYC is narcissistic. People seem to only hear you if you're saying something they want to hear.
There is a large cultural/societal component to our problem with narcissism.
Empathy doesn't sell things, so a hyper-capitalistic society doesn't teach it. The world doesn't run safely on the egocentrism that is nurtured in our society. Survival and peace relies on nurturing compassion within society, but it's something we don't do, and so our people think only fools are compassionate.
I think you're about to save my life...I've been too counselors who just don't get it...but everytime I watch you seem too. For this I'm eternally grateful and please save me from myself 😢
~All those years when i used to visit my family, and my mother made a huge drama over me being a vegetarian, i wish sooo much i could have thought to say what ive thought of since then~Instead i kept telling her the veggies she made are more than enough, but she made me out to be a trouble maker & her to be the overworked victim, cuz she didnt make more, just for me~Digital communication(texting & email) has really helped me put into words how i feel, then save the draft, re-read it, wait till later, read it again, and maybe never send it, or maybe edit it~Once i feel clear & sure about it, having at least slept on it, ill send it, but often i just save it till i no longer need to say it, cuz it seems too angry~Other times ill realize its reasonable to say~This has help me a lot!~
I genuinely believe it doesn’t matter how I present my feelings to my mother because she’s never listened, even when I try so hard to be logical and not lash out, and control my tone, and word choice, and explain it well.. and so on and on.
So much energy spent to try to get her to understand. The truth is, she doesn’t want to get it, because that would require facing the full shame of what she’s done.
Sometimes we just can’t get through. And honestly.. I wouldn’t even want her as a friend, so I think it’s time to give up on trying to get her to be my mother, and do things that moms are supposed to do. She will never be what I need. The grief is a lot to face but I think it’s time. Maybe I’ll try one last time with a letter, and if she doesn’t get it, that’s it.
Right there with ya! Don't bother with the letter, unless you really want to. I did that with my mom telling her I wanted us to have a closer, better relationship and wanted to work on it. It was a 2 page typed letter I think; to many years have passed since then. But I handed it to her and after a week asked if she had read it, yes, and if she had any thoughts on it or wanted to talk about how we could move forward, etc. No, she didn't want to talk, nothing to say, basically acted like it didn't matter! I expanded my heart and soul to her in that letter; she wasn't worth the damn thought, concern that she didn't feel attacked, and all my efforts I put into it!! She just broke my heart yet again! Tried to just talk years later, and that didn't go anywhere either. For me, it wasn't worth the ignoring of my needs, and complete dismissal I got back in return. 😭
Thanks for the support and sharing, sorry it didnt go well for you :(
Honestly, save yourself the trouble. All this time, she hasn’t given you the courtesy of listening to you. Why would writing it out change anything? She won’t accept responsibility for how she treats you.
I appreciate you so much Anna. You are the kind wise mother figure so many of us never had. Thank you for being you ❤
You’re very kind. I’ll make sure Anna reads your note.
Nika@TeamFairy
Hi Anna 🙋♀️Thank you deeply for these videos!! They help me alot just by listening 😌
You really are deeply valuable Anna. Thank you for being honest and kind. ❤
This video is helpful because my parents never listened to me so as an adult I tend to overexplain my POV as I think it will be more acceptable, and professional and I get genuine answers and quality time because I show my values and open up. And I will be interesting and loveable. The bad thing is that my family didn’t change so they still dont give attention, and it is a never ending circle. Over explaining your Views just bore people most of the time. They prioritise their beliefs, they don’t need some behind the scenes version of my needy ass😃🤷🏻♂️ I have to be more direct with my opinions and even hold back on conversations with some people because they are not worthy and don’t care, cannot take in what I say. On the other hand I have to focus on myself and my values with the same will and focus that I wasted on being good enough for others.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks for providing a sharing opportunity :)
I just moved out of my fiance's and went into a panic and want her back. Gd cptsd. But, this video his so hard. I was soo mad she never listened to me or anything i said was an attack on her. Because i kept talking about parenting issues we've had with her son, i finally got to my wits end and lost it on Saturday, packed my bags, and left. Now im here. Sad, mad at myself, and hating this pain.
I know why I got into this situation in the beginning: i didnt think i could be loved. I just wanted to pet a doggo, have a good conversation, and leave that park that day.
Mate, it is not you. It is her. Single mother? She drove previous man away. You got to your wits clarity, not end. Sorry though.
Same thing happened to me xactly a year ago, I wasn't engaged but we were together for 2 years
When I left, I wanted to die but I reminde my self that the pain am in now is nothing compared to what Christ endured on the cross, and a year later I am in total bliss as if nothing ever happened, you really start getting better by the 3rd month.
Remember the other side of pain is bliss, I hope his helps you.
Make a list of your parenting goals and work on one at a time. Give it time. Things will improve.
Its not you, she had a previous child with someone else and speaks to her accountability and similar attitude issues to that. Glad you escaped when you could, else as a person with your level of care would undoubtedly be more hurt/suffering staying around.
Tough love is a thing, so maybe she can change by her actions for the better. Until then, just remember you needed to defend your core self by leaving, and keep on a path that respects you, so that you can then be kind to others.
@@melaniebelk75I feel conflicted in sharing the list with her because she's got her own issues and doesn't notice shit. I mean, maybe she's playing me, but sharing a list, without her doing it first, makes me feel like I'm that crazy step dad telling her how to raise her kid. The kiddo poops his pants, at 8, (either by choice or accident (his words to her)) and the dad is uninterested in parenting short of "here's an iPad or a toy." Every weekend the kid comes back from his dad's with new stuff, but always has emotions too.
I have gathered people around me who have abused me in this way over a period of time. I've either been dependent on them to keep a roof over my head, or don't want to say how I feel in the event they won't help when I need them the most. The irony is, when I need them the most is when they walk furthest away. Not in a great situation right now, but know my life will change when I meet more people who DO actually want to hear what I have to say.
Thank you, these videos are a real eye opener . I am taking notice. Catching myself out. Not a good feeling.
This came to me in a difficult and painful situation at the right time. Thank you!
When i was growing up.. direct communication was seen as disrespectful and severely punished. I couldnt even say no... I had to find a o
Yep .. children should be seen & not heard.
As a child, I have a distinct memory of being 3 years old; babysitter told me to do something and for saying no, got my mouth washed out with soap. Somewhere in my late 40s, realized I had never said no to anyone since.
@@RC-eb5hq that’s terrible . But I know where you’re coming from, I hope you’ve learned to say no as an adult 🙏
I feel this way. Also, I wish I was better at communicating when I got upset and hurt by something someone said, that I could say it clearly, concisely, and politely to said person and then just remain calm.
I ended up dating people who were very convincing because their traits would help me to make my point, but in my family they were never willing to hear me or to sort out anything but to control me. This is a painful reality.
So how do I get heard at the doctors? At this point I’m genuinely concerned my health is deteriorating beyond repair and I’m being treated like an absolute joke while being in constant pain and debilitating illness without proper care. How do I change that? Medical neglect is actually taking away my life because I am not worth hearing
Hope you don't mind me chiming in here. I found information on a charity organisation and got the idea to ask to be referred to a specialist for my condition, my doctor changed my medication because 'they will ask if different medication has been tried'. It was a breakthrough moment for me if i hadnt asked that I would still be struggling on the wrong medication for me. Also to get an asthma diagnosis I had to repeatedly go back to doctors. I felt palmed off for years as I'd admitted to being stressed and I smoked, but I knew there was also something physical. Now I get steroid inhalers and feel much better. Maybe you can find out more about your condition, and get doctor to listen and get the right treatment, good luck
Ask whatever decision they make that you feel is not listening to you for them to put it in record that you were unhappy and the reasons why. When it’s on record, they’re much more likely to listen, or at least offer an alternative.
Get a notebook. Research your condition so you can be informed. Take notes on what treatments/medications are used for your condition. Write your requests and questions in the notebook and take with you to the doctor. Write down the drs response. If something doesn't make sense, say, "Can you please explain that again/in layman's terms" Ask questions like, "Why would we do x instead of try y" and "Why do you think x is the best treatment approach" Role play asking your questions with a friend or in front of mirror.
And what if a therapist falls asleep during your sessions, plural sessions. I've had it said, that was quite a story. These aren't stories, THIS IS MY LIFE AND WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME, IT'S NOT A JOKE OR ANYTHING ELSE. My trust again is going in the dumper.
I suggest you report the therapist, and don't go back!
Hello Anna. I came upon you at just the right time when I. M retired and have time to think and make better friends than I. ve had for periods in my life. Right now I.m getting out of a narcissists clutches. Somehow I was able to block previous this kind out of my life. Now it's like peeling back the rings of an onion going right back to when this all started. Thanks for giving me hope and tools to become more efficient in living a happy and fulfilled life. God bless and keep you.
I think part of it is cultural. I find this with language barrier especially in my Taiwanese culture. How some listen and process information is different. Their minds are too busy and hurried they are not thinking about what you say. They only prioritize listening and communication with those closest to them. Even growing up in America for so long I noticed differences in communication styles between ethnicities. Others cannot relate and in their mind they have deer in headlight. Sad to say is that most are unavailable. I use to think it was my parents but I find it a cultural wide problem. Behavior is taught and passed down.
When I try to be assertive, I come across as aggressive. Im just going to start staring at ppl when I want to make a point. Ppl listen when you have crazy eyes that stare into their souls lol
Thanks for this video. A few days ago, while on a trip, my mom told me, “you need to speak up”. When I mentioned that it was nice that my older sister FaceTimed her on her birthday. I didn’t see what the big deal was, it was for her, not for me to talk to my older sister. I do have trouble voicing my thoughts and feelings, and mumble and stutter sometimes. My brain thinks faster than I can speak. Especially since I started healing from PTSD with help with a therapist.
Thankyou so much Anna ❤ Your content has been incredibly valuable to me over the last few years xxx
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
I remember those false conflicts...was so confusing!
I could understand this if its something that happens in communication with most people. There is only one person who I feel this sense of overwhelm in my communication. I can be so direct about my specific problem or emotion but he stonewalls so I dysfunctionally verbalize even more. In a cycle that’s terrible and I want to rid myself of.
I unconsciously chose a mate who is perpetually disinterested in hearing me because it was a familiar dynamic from growing up. It gave me an excuse to avoid being “known”. I frequently resort to many of the dysfunctional communication styles you describe, and get so disheartened when they negatively impact meaningful connection with others. However, it is encouraging to know that these are patterns that can change, (as opposed to being personality traits that I’m stuck with).
This is amazing. Thank you 🙏
what am I to do, when people are having a conversation amongst themselves in a room, say, in the kitchen. I wait for a pause in the conversation to add my opinion, then all the people in the room pick up thier phones and start texting. when I stop talking to see if they notice, when they realize Ive stopped talking, they change the subject. Or if I walk in the room where people are talking the conversation immidiately stops and pick up their phone. These people are regettably, my husband and adult children.
I wish I had an answer for you. I experienced some of that as well. I have been doing CCF Activities for about 15 to 18 months, I see a difference in myself and their reactions.
Try some of these techniques, it may work out for you.
Thank you for this video. And I'm aware of how sometimes I communicate on the Internet is very wrong. And I'm taking steps to change that and not fall back into making the same mistakes when I become over emotional.
I’m stuck in year 6 of the discard phase with no hope to be able to leave for at least 2-3 years.
That’s true for me. I’m 54 years old and it continues to not hear me
God Bless This Woman ❤
People yawn when I speak
Can be trying if you were raised in a family that didn't communicate and express emotions. Not that you don't want to communicate, but it is like learning a new language and not knowing what the other person is hearing.
I’m an adult and I live with my mom. She’s getting older and I think it’s better to have family. My mom stonewalls me and has no idea what I’m talking about. I unfortunately have gotten used the one who loves me doesn’t understand or have time to care to understand me. So I’m trying to just move on and try to show my kids how it feels when someone cares
It's good to have family when they are loving and caring. When they are not it's better to move on, get your own place and build a loving life for yourself. Selfish uncaring people suck.
Love the new piano and guitar chords in your theme song
Thank you!
I always felt like I’m speaking a foreign language.
I hear you. Glad you are her.
Nika@TeamFairy
so good!
I work with a bunch of bullies and sheep. Those in charge have not been pleased when I speak up against unfairness. As a result I get about 3 sentences in a meeting and on the third sentence I am interrupted.
Hey Anna
I just reread my notes from last month’s webinar, and they helped me so much just now.
I’m so sorry I haven’t sent in the form for stories for your book.
it’s turning out to be another tough school year of sickness. Anyway let me know if you’re still accepting them to send to the publisher. I can send it to you on Sunday if you haven’t received a lot.
Or maybe it can be used for your NEXT book! 😊❤
Xo
Krisma
Can we add in the fact that we may be trying to be heard by a gaslighter, conflict avoider, or even a covert? If you're an over responsible person you could forever think it's your problem. Like me for years. Coverts groomed me to confusion.
I'm a very direct person but this has backfired on me more than a few times. Most people don't want direct. Especially the coverts. 🙄
Bless you!!
Just a wish for a title that's fulfilling what it promises. I was expecting clear communication strategies in words and posture. There was basically no "do this". Kinda contradicts the message of the video. Still, the other insights very true.
❤❤❤ thank you.
1:26 OR... a thing that I observe a lot... The thing you have to say is contrary to their interests, desires, or wishes. Such as, maybe a bad boss doesn't want to hear your plan for solving a problem because they depend on the continuation of that problem. Such as, maybe a local politician doesn't want to hear your ideas about his pet legislation because then he'd have to agree that it doesn't really solve the problem it purports to solve. (I've had that happen twice.)
The effect is the same as that third category, but the cause of it isn't personal! I think it's good to be aware that sometimes people don't listen to you and are never going to listen to you but it's _really_ not about you and you can't even say the thing in a different way. They literally do not want the information you are trying to share because it's not in alignment with their needs.
I suspect this happens more to crappy childhood survivors though, because some of us have gotten good at cutting through bullshit and identifying the key facts about things. That makes it very hard to deflect our ideas, and creates a strong incentive to ignore us completely.
No you aren’t describing me:) a real bear poker and I won’t mince words! I may get torn 🆙 but I always be clear!!!!! Period
Ann I just started listening to you and I appreciate your message. I’m trying to find your video that you talk about the taxi cab light. Towards the end you mentioned how it’s hard for a 3rd party to get involved with a woman that has past attachments. Can you please help me with finding this video?
If they don't hear me, I hear me, and maybe they didn't need to hear me?
How would you evaluate the expression during a conversation: "You don't understand" is the person asking for you to agree with what they said in a situation or is it because you bring in another option to the situation, and they dont want to see another side to the story. Maybe its a bit of controlling behavior? Not very valuating its feels like you've been gaslighted?
How to we write in with our dilemmas to you, Anna?
You can share a letter with Anna here: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
Anna is, however, only able to answer a handful of the letters she receives. You may want to consider checking out some of her courses or coaching programs for further assistance :) -Calista@TeamFairy
🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 ty!!
Can people be too traumatized to be able to hear others?
Very likely, as CPTSD leads people to misinterpret other people’s intentions a lot
I often starts my conversation with "sorry for interrupting" :) In fear my words are not important and in belief I should stop talking because it takes other ppls space. But I am learning now how to respect myself and see value in who I really am, what I do and say. Don't want to diminish myself anymore. Thank you for your chanel and content Fairy. It's a treasure for CPTSD ones 🩷
Glad you are here! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy