Learn to Connect For Real By Avoiding These Conversation Stoppers
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- Опубликовано: 10 июл 2024
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Great conversations don't come easily to most people, and being able to talk to pepoel is fundamental to having a connected life. Maybe you aren’t good at small talk so it’s hard to get to know new people. Or you’re good at small talk, but you find that other people get uncomfortable, and conversations that begin well, quickly sputter out. Without realizing it, you may be STOPPING the conversation before it starts. Learning some basic strategies to OPEN a conversation will make people feel interested in you and want to talk to you more - will serve you all your life and have the added effect of helping other people, who might be wonderful potential friends to feel better about themselves.
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I wish this was compulsory material in every school to help those unfortunates who may have been raised by people who lacked common sense and/or common courtesy or who have not yet learned mutual social interaction. Thank you so much for this gem.
So true. Was just thinking the same!
This!!!!!
Exactly. Social skills.
Most of the world in other words.😅
Funny that you mention that we should avoid talking about negatives early in a conversation / new friendship. I just did that - not in a big way, but it was there - and as soon as I mentioned it, I thought "I really should not have said that!" Thanks for confirming my gut was correct in that moment.
Yes!!, i strive to stay positive!! , cheery!!,,too!!!😮😮🎉 GO YOU!!
I seem to have NO filter. Ive isolated for almost 10 years now and if I ever get into a conversation I go over it for at least a week. I constantly say the wrong things and come away feeling like a fool.
me too, I feel like I can't communicate with most people.
@pamela @michael I have a similar story, it takes a little education on interpersonal skills and practice
I hope you don't give up...maybe find a n interpersonal skills group for support
Keep fighting for that love, remember it's hard for a lot of people
😊
The constant rumination and negative self talk are also often signs of ocd and depression..but ..yall probably already know that 😊
Omg SAME. I do all of the things she says - someone taps the balloon over to ME & I totally pop that damn balloon so fast. It awful. This is a great video for me. BUT in my defense - My very aging parents have illustrated to me why I have no idea how to properly have a conversation. I wasn’t allowed to talk growing up & was not talked too ever! Even now - if I talk a little around my parents my mother gets angry & tells me to shut up or pushes me out of their house. She has to have a captive audience 100% of the time. Or my dad gives me a dirty look. They are so rude & awful & I finally understood NO WONDER I have no idea how to have a proper conversation! I never had it shown to me & was told to keep my mouth shut. So makes sense
@@Fefe559 Wow I never really thought about why I can't carry a conversation without messing it up . Come to think of it, I was always alone in my room when I was little but my memory is pretty blocked. Don't know why I stayed in my room but I remember keeping myself busy in there.
This has bitten me in the ass several times. I'm a good listener, I interview people for a living. However, I've had to end friendships because people felt heard and seen by me, then they latch and cling to me. Despite my attempts to set boundaries, I'm met with tears and their expression of feeling rejected. I've had to learn that this is a them problem they need to work on, not a me problem. I cannot listen and listen and listen without also being supported. It makes me feel drained and resentful. People who are that starved for affection need to own their own healing, not expecting someone to be their constant supply of validation. I've almost stopped being available to people.
People tend to dump their issues on me without me asking. I’ve literally had strangers start a conversation, and pour their hearts out. It’s as if I’m a magnet for people like this, and I’m instantly thrown into “Dr. Phil” mode.
Yes! What is that? My family jokes that I could be in an elevator ride and know all about someone's generations of cancer diagnoses by the time we are at the lobby. I do make eye contact and smile and greet people, so I invite connection, but it gets deep so fast...
@@jesstaylor7139 lol if only I knew
They might think you are either trustworthy or gullible. Put up boundaries. Excuse yourself and leave before they start putting their problems onto you. What they are doing is NOT nice
Thank you for this subject. I still struggle to avoid steering conversations to my own experiences, which I've long-preferred to think is me showing "empathy" by saying "the same thing happened to me," when I'm really trying to get the attention on me. I have get better at letting people decide when they're curious about me. Well, this and interrupting.
I think it's fine to do that as long as the awereness of the potential pitfalls are there. If the goal of telling your own story as a response to someone else's is to relate rather than make it about you, there's no need to avoid it.
I think you can totally listen to someone, relate it to an experience of your own while also saying something like: "I'm trying to imagine what that might have felt like for you, and with how I felt then, I see some parallels there. Does that resonate with you?" And then ask a specific questions about something they said, just to make clear the conversation at this point in time is still about them.
~Yes, i have those same 2 issues!~And i often feel nosey asking questions, so i tend to prefer people volunteer what they are comfortable with saying, and i think thats why i do that, too~
I really thought the back-and-forth rotation of stories WAS how to communicate. My intention certainly is not "look at me" but to be sympathetic by showing that I've been there too. This video shows me a different perspective.
@@IntrepiddabblerI mean, genuinely, I think that IS the case. A conversation is a back and forth, a give and take, there's nothing wrong with relating your own experiences and talking about how something also affected you so long as it doesn't serve to derail the conversation, and is more a means of bringing a new perspective to it or deepening one already present
Note to self: be aware of conversation starters, don't get to know someone by being negative, be curious about what people really care about and ask questions, treat a conversation as a way to learn about someone so be aware of oversharing, wait to understand before chiming in, ask more questions and simply listen, not everything someone says must be judged whether you agree with it or not, don't be afraid to take a step back from someone when you can no longer tolerate them rather than asking them to change, don't be a know it all and share every opinion you have, don't contradict someone or embarrass them, affirm people when they say things... and just love them and be kind.
I would really appreciate more videos on making conversation. Thanks!
It’s embarrassing but important to admit how much I’ve done some of these. I am working on not making those same mistakes again. I’ve also noticed that the more I heal and the more comfortable with myself I become (warts and all) the less I exhibit self-absorbed interpersonal behaviors like these, because the less I have to prove.
That's great! Thank you for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm right there too.
❤
Fairy Doctor explains perfectly why I have no friends. Some of us are just too sensitive and we think we are empathizing when we just want attention because we didn’t get any as a child! When I was younger someone told me I was obnoxious and I was crushed. SO after that I made it a point to keep my mouth shut at all costs. Better to say nothing and be thought of as uninteresting than be criticized. It hurts too much and it keeps me humble. I learned to be a better listener.
It's like a bid to not let anyone think we're boring! It feels like there's no time to unwrap the gift that we are to the world. 😂😂😂 sarcasm, but it does really feel like a big rush to a goal!
Man, I'm doing quite a few of these and I noticed I make people uncomfortable, don't like it of course, but couldn't put my finger on why - thank you a thousand times for this video, this is so incredibly helpful. I got ADHD and autism with c-PTSD and my interpersonal skills are a constant work in progress, but thinking about how many people I've left feeling unheard or not great in my life honestly just... Makes me feel so sad,, because life can be pretty hard as is and there's absolutely no need to make it worse for others, intentional or not. The explanations you offered on why a certain way of communicating isn't effective for connection, but then offering what to do instead, that's incredibly helpful. Thank you again, and all the best!
You're working with quite a burden, don't discount your contributions. They may walk away saying "I gave her a chance to express herself today".
I have the same ! Adhd CPTSD & I think I might be on the autistic spectrum (my daughter thinks I am) but never diagnosed… & I either make people laugh or incredibly uncomfortable! I am a balloon popper! Omg when she talked about the balloon thing …wow ! It floats over to me - after bouncing around a room full of people & I pop that damn balloon so fast with a sharp nail. I had no idea WHY? So I hear you. Its a challenge!
For my whole life I have had friends who totally steam roll over me in conversation. They interrupt mid sentence with a "me too' or more often, a total subject change. Feels bad.
I am stunned how convicted I am over several topics you brought up in this video. I feel so horrible and cringe-y thinking of past situations just like these when I've been horrible. I'm trying so hard to work on it
You're in the right place! We're all sending you encouragement and rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
We all are, that's why we're here. Take a baby step. Then another.
Watching this as an autistic person is really tough. Most of what's mentioned here is just autistic and ADHD socializing: missing cues, telling stories about my life, not making eye contact, not pausing to let others speak, forgetting to ask questions back... What's worse is that I still trust Anna's experience and understand this is the point of masking. But I don't want to mask. I want to be me.
Explain the autism in conversation, many will give space for that, the right ones will.
I ask this with genuine curiosity.. i dont identify as autistic, and yet it is not natural or easy for me to rise to the occasion of socializing with new people.. i do it for the sake of the greater good, as an act of love and solidarity with other humans, even though i can find it tiring. I dont feel like.. an innate joy in it, its more like doing my part for social cohesion.. then as i get moee comfortable and new people arent new any more, it feels more natural.. so .. am i masking my natural self too? It would seem a case could be made that i am.. but i dont mind doing it, its just whats needed, a little from each of us, to get along together. I get that asd folks have had negative experiences with bad reactions or feeling misunderstood and its disincentivising .. but .. i just get stumped by how thats sooo so different an experience - i was badly bullied and very self concious and would ruminate endlessly in middle school about what i said, how interactions went, it took effort to overcome that fear .. sometimes its shadow is still present, but its .. worth it to me.. so how is it different? Is it that for ASD folks the common goal of more connection is just ..less motivating? Again asking with genuine curiosity..
Autistic communication is just different, it is handy to know how neurotypicals communicate so we can interact with them in a way they understand while educating them on how we communicate, it is also good to socialise with our own as well since we can just be ourselves and communicate as we do. If the neurotypicals will not make allowances for out need to not make eye contact or sensory issues they are not friendship material for members of the Autistic community which is there loss, those who really want to make friends will meet us half way adapting to our way of communicating as much as we need to adapt to theirs.
I work with people who have ASD, ADHD, etc and have these myself or something similar. I think of it like this. Children learn these skills through modeling if they grow up in a healthy environment and are neurotypical They may get occasional pointers from adults about saying please and thank you and not interrupting but most of the finer points are just picked up. With people with ASD and ADHD they sometimes need extra help learning these skills because we don't just pick them up. It's not asking the person with ASD to mask or not be themselves. We are asking them to learn new skills, to grow as people, to mature. These are important skills for the person with ASD to be able to connect with other people.
Yeah, same here.
This information is so helpful to me. I recently met a man as a potential dating partner, and as we explore getting to know each other, I'm struggling to understand why I can't seem to connect with him. As it turns out, he has displayed 10 out of 10 of these examples. As I ruminate over the conversations we've had, I haven't been able to pinpoint why I was feeling uncomfortable with him.
I feel so validated! Thank you! 🙏❤️🧚🏼♀️
They never teach this in regular psychology classes. They look at the clinical definition and how to treat a disease seeped in trauma. This is amazing. It makes me self-reflect more. Thank you so much!!
As someone who currently has cancer, telling many people about my illness seemed to become an open invitation for everyone in my life to share their closest cancer story with me. I spent far, far more time listening to their cancer stories from other people's past than talking about my present challenges.
Dont be hard on yourself if you realize you have done this. The harder the news, the more likely anybody is to do it.
🌻That's very strong, kind and forgiving
In your illness you give people opportunity to heal
Hope someone will listen to you same way as you listen to others 🕊️
I've had cancer conversations in the grocery store checkout line, starting with driving Dad to chemo and then having to feed him afterwards, my cancer, then shaving my head for my beloved niece who was depressed about losing her hair.
I feel like I can offer good guidance and support to people who may be confused, reluctant to getting the colonoscopy that saved my life (stage 4A colon cancer, October 2010), or overwhelmed.
That is traumatizing for you!
People said the most aweful things to me when I was fighting the same battle. I stopped telling anyone. They made everything much worse.
02:01 · [01] · Missing the cue of connection
03:43 · [02] · The negative comes too early
06:16 · [03] · Lack of curiosity
07:40 · [04] · Making something about you
10:37 · [05] · Speak before you understand what they say
13:10 · [06] · Giving unsolicited advice may be felt as criticism
16:14 · [07] · When Mr. Knowledge and Dr. Actually interrupt the convo
20:54 · [08] · Correct and contradict may be felt as humiliation
21:26 · [09] · You leave no room for the person to talk
22:18 · [10] · Not showing the other one appreciation and validation
Thanks, that is so helpful!
Thank you!
This is such a GREAT video! VERY well done and so useful and full of wisdom! Thank you so much for this 🙏🏼👏🫶🏻
Very useful advice alright. I will have to check it before going to any social gathering.
Thank you .That was so good advice .I dont like then Peo do it to me but i see i do the same .
Good timing as usual, this has been on my mind lately. Something I find very challenging is forcing an effort to socialize when my heart isn't in it. Like I literally can't think of anything to talk about and I guess it feels disingenuous to feign interest when I'm just not feeling social. In the past I might have just called this "being introverted" but now it seems like a shutdown or insecurity. Maybe even an "aspie" shutdown. Honestly, I still can't tell the difference between some ASD and CPTSD traits. 90% sure I have some overlap there that complicates things even more.
Sounds like my former high school reunion. I would have handled differently had I known about C-PTSD. Also, I didn't know that avoidance and isolation can make you awkward.
Dear CCF, This was a very helpful topic. Thank you! I had to wince many times listening to this, because I have made most of these mistakes so many times. I'm improving (I think) with age and having more self confidence. In the past, my lack of self confidence caused me to feel very uncomfortable with conversation, and so I had difficulty listening closely. My thoughts would race in order to think ahead and be ready to speak and respond. Now I am learning to relax and I can listen more deeply, not rush, and allow those pregnant pauses to occur without jumping in too fast. Please share more tips on things like this, it is immensely helpful.
2012 to 2018. I worked in Jeffersonvill Indiana, Mishawaka Indiana, elkhart Indiana and Shepardvill Kentucky. I loved talking to local folk. I would get used books and go to Waffle House and read from 4am to 8am. I worked from 8am to 6am and go home when sun went down. I was told in Shepardvill Kentucky, this is a SUNDOWN TOWN, I didn’t understand Well, I didnt’ know the culture. Now, I know.. I still enjoyed my conversations at Waffle House from 4am to 8am, a whole different folk. Downey California 😢
Brilliant and practical, as ever, Annie
Thank you for this information. I realized that both my parents were heavily into Dr Actually statements. Many members of my extended family do this. They’re also always playing Devils Advocate to get a debate going. I think these tend to be habits of academics. They also give unsolicited advice if a topic is part of their professional or academic area of expertise. I haven’t realized before how negative this is. My Communications Professor father would correct my pronunciation or grammar even as an adult, imagining he was doing me a favor. It really made me feel unseen.
A discussion about electric cars will definitely become a transportation planning commission-like discussion.
If I make a statement that is squarely within my professional expertise, I’ll likely get some Dr Actually comment as well as a request to cite chapter and verse on the research behind my statement. Then a critique of the research method. These habits are so much part of my family that I know I sometimes make Dr Actually statements and offer unsolicited advice. Very enlightening piece.
My family is a little like that. I feel really bad about myself after I spend time with them.
Nervous rambling. After the C-PTS really manifested, I find myself rambling all over the place while the other person totally shuts down. I can see their distress or their eyes glaze over, but it is like I am in a total panic. I feel the flood of adrenaline, stomach churning, shaking, unable to catch my breath, but I can’t seem to stop the flood of words.
I believe it is a fawn response. Fawning was my mother’s trauma response to my crazy father. She would placate and offer to cook him food, bring him the newspaper….anything to distract him from his behaviors.
Then, I found myself doing the same in my abusive marriage. But after 7 years single, I am still fawning when I get nervous.
Then later, it all replays in my mind and I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I made a fool of myself like some kind of circus clown.
I love being around people, but nervous chatter is a real friendship killer
We completely understand. You're in the right place and we're all here to support you :)
-Calista@TeamFairy
Conversational malpractice. I love that term. I had a co-worker who used to try to assign her words or thoughts to me, repeat my words out of context, or otherwise speak for me in an inaccurate way.
Thank you for this video. I have no social skills whatsoever. I struggle to trust people and I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s like my constant thought: it’s nice right now but you just wait… just wait and they will mess you up because they can.
And so I avoid talking altogether or I answer in short sentences and such. It’s a problem and I know it.
I’ll save this for future practice.
Sending you encouragement! You got this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
All these I learned much too late in life. They are also why I find socializing so exhausting.
We understand, but we're so glad you're here now. -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m guilty of so many of these faux pas😕 I’m absolutely horrible making small talk and end up becoming negative often. Between CCF and Emotions Anonymous, I’m working to heal, finally!
Thank you! I didnt have title for the weird feeling i would get after conversations with new people. Turns out I do all that stuff in virtually every conversation... golldernit!
Watching your advice has become my evening routine. It is uplifting and thought-provoking. Thank you
I'm so glad! Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's my morning routine while I have my coffee. This is definitely my therapy and it's really helping me so much, though some times I take long breaks from this channel because I just get overwhelmed and depressed that I'm probably behaving wrong all the time.
I am guilty of stating the obvious & free advice. I thought they, along with laundry, were my super powers.
Thanks for the clarification.
Isolation is a gift, everything else is a test of endurance - Charles Bukowski 😅
I think Charles Bukowski might have been autistic lol. I can relate 😊
"L'enfer c'est les autres." Jean-Paul Sartre 😊
Bukowski is a pseudo-intellectual and it shows
Funny how I see sometimes what I did wrong in a conversation but I can change it only after someone put it in words (like in this video). Thank you!
Omg these are all things I struggle with in a huge way. I feel like , asking someone prying questions is an invasion of privacy, or like I'm a detective interrogating them. I think I just assume that I have no business asking questions like if they wanted me to know they would tell me? And if not its not my business. I have ALWAYS struggled with communicating with people literally my whole life. I'm very private, but 100% direct and honest. If I have a problem , why wouldn't I come and say that to you in an honest way? Vs. Allowing it to fester, and grow into hatred or resentment...and I genuinely wish people would do the same for me , but THEY DONT. They just ghost you or talk sh*t behind your back ? It literally baffles me just talking to people is so hard for me. I also absolutely hate small . Even with my own family, i feel like I speak a different language than everyone else or something sometimes.
Thank you Anna for this great summary. I've had to learn how to have good conversations as an adult by watching how "normal" people have conversations, since I never learned that from my parents. I felt like a researcher trying to figure out what makes a good conversation. But it really helped and improved my friendships a LOT.
Actually... I found this incredibly comprehensive and informative. 😂😂😂
Infinite Love and Gratitude 🙏✌️❤️🌞🐶
I'm so glad! -Calista@TeamFairy
“Dr. Actually” 😂
Thanks so much for this. I’m currently at a stage where very casual questions lead to very charged subjects for me, but I didn’t want to spread my misery- I feel more ready going forward!
You got this! -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel like asking things or showing interest to people is annoying or unwanted for them. Sigh, I still have a lot of work to do.
Keeping light & friendly is going to be my best bet. I like the ppl around me now & I would like them to know that I like them & want them around me! Thank you!❤
Hahaa this is so funny 😅. I've been going trail riding every week trying to make friends with some other horse women, and just yesterday one of them told me she volunteers at an animal shelter 😂. I overenthusiasticly said, "We have so much in common! I used to work there!". Instead of just letting her tell me about her experience, I immediately started fawning. Arghhhh!!!
I need to listen to this 100x. I am the queen of doing this - the relational stories, etc. I was horrified at one point to learn that it appeared it was making it all about me. I think sometimes it was, but mostly it was my way of making things relational, as if I am part of the conversation, but I see now that it was probably very off-putting and controlling. So many things to learn. Listening is actually less stressful, but silence is also stressful to me in conversations, so I've always been a "chatter." I am guessing it comes from having to speak up in our LARGE family or feel we were invisible. Also a way to show my intelligence about a lot of things, so maybe it is more about me and my insecurity than I even realized. Thank you, Anna!
The worst opener people use is "...and what do you do?" That's a question I don't want to answer. I think it is the height of rudeness and it is very difficult to refuse to give an answer. Why do people seem to think that this deeply personal and judgement-heavy question is a way to meet new people?
I think it's a fine question.
Why’s it rude to ask what someone does for a living?
I think it’s more lazy than rude
@@stephaniegrable2612 why’s it lazy? When I ask what someone does I’m genuinely interested.
I think not everyone is great at making small talk, but at least they are asking you about you…I think it’s a pretty normal question.
Excellent video! I've worked out a number of these over the years (learning from experience never gets dull 😬) especially the overshadowing when trying to empathise with 'me too!' 😩
I struggle, and I think it shows. So, although I'm happy to focus on the other person and keen to get to know them, I think I come across as too intense (at best) or a bit insincere (at worst).
I don't comment enough while someone is talking - I'm generally listening quite intently (and folk are oft surprised when months later I can recall some key detail that they'd forgotten mentioning!)
I think I could be 'trying too hard'. I guess it's about learning to relax more; I'm very self conscious and I know I'm going to be hard on myself afterwards when I pick apart everything that went wrong... 🤷♀️ (I love how this ⛏️ was in the emoji suggestions after that last sentence! 😂)
It's never too late though, there's everything to gain and nothing to lose 😊
Thank you for a great video!
Thanks for the thought-provoking video. I’ve been guilty of some of these, especially making the conversation all about myself. It something I have to consciously keep myself from doing in every conversation. I’ve also dated a Dr. Actually, and it’s horrible. Even though we broke up over four years ago, I still question and criticize everything I say, and sometimes don’t speak up for fear of being criticized by somebody else. Please don’t do this, even if you think you’re right!!!
I started visiting a neighbor who I hadn't previously met, I had just joined the fire department and he was a long-term member who was getting heavy-duty treatment for cancer.
I showed up with goodies and listened, including with the children.
A couple of other women in the department asked me what did he say about his separation from his wife, etc and were urging me to ask. I told them that they knew him much longer than I did, and they could go and ask him themselves.
He and the children were delighted to talk to someone who took them at face value and didn't question their past or their personal lives, and that was what I felt was "my job" in visiting.
Ah, you make my day.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy one of my rare wins in the struggle against being a self-absorbed jerk, I take the wins where I can.
Thanks so much for this video! As someone with autism, it is really easy for me to do several of these--missing the cue, making it about me/one-upping the story (which I thought meant relating)...and Dr. Actually. I'm embarrassed to know how much my family made fun of me for my "AC-TU-AH-LEE" know-it-all attitude. Small talk conversations like this still feel fake and forced to me, and maybe they always will...but I'm trying to learn the cues.
That grad school example is me in the comment section.
I now read it a second time and ask myself "is this helping anyone?" and then I delete it about 65% of the time, lol.
The point about unsolicited advice/ criticism was right on point for me. I am currently separating from my partner of 15 years due to his ongoing behavioural problems... And the number of people who have asked me could I not go live with my mother!!
A) They do not know my mother; or that much as I love her, my mother is a classic histrionic and dare I say toxic personality;
B) It's not as if I asked any of these people for money, or a place to stay, or any advice whatsoever! 😅
I feel weird because most people's lives developed way different.
In my early 20's I was still trying to hide my past.
As the end of the year Holidays approached people were making plans traveling seeing families and swaddling themselves in a tradition they experienced for generations
Then the faces would turn to me. 100% of the time I lied
What else could I do. Tell them it's another year putting up or avoiding my crazy family. What do you say if you want to be friendly with normal folk? You lie and try to make up a story to be just like them. 😊
Thank God , I have a great wife and we are best friends.... and two dogs and a cat.
Many of these I already understand that I shouldn't do, but I end up doing anyway in the heat of the moment, mainly because I don't know what to talk about with people most of the time. I am not really interested in people normally, meaning, if someone happens to tell something interesting, then great, but I don't really know how to bring these out of people. I tried asking questions, to try to direct better the conversation out of negative topics, or self and private topics, cuz I want to connect with people more around common interests... But the feedback I received is that the person ended up feeling like I'm interviewing them, and mostly they don't like it. So I have no idea how to interact with human beings apparently, and I don't know how did I made the friends I have 😅
Wow, I’m only a few minutes into this and this is GREAT advice, regardless of anyone’s life experiences. But learning how to build good connections is so important for those of us that are starting out again and need to build healthy connections. And this is such good advice I think I’d like to share these tips with my kids so they can develop good conversation skills too.
😂oh my goodness, i gotta listen to this one a few more times.
OH my goodness! What an eye opener this video is, thank you. I am totally getting it all wrong :'( I have Asperger's and ADHD plus childhood abuse trauma, and several abusive relationships and I'm doing a few of these conversation stoppers I'm only 7:55 mins in :-/ oops. I best rewatch this video and take notes..More self work to do
I'm not good at talk with people I don't know, at an event or at work. I'm just not good at chit-chat.
This is such good advice. I don’t have a cptsd, but still watch all your videos. Your thoughts are always on point and so full of wisdom. And you’re also hilarious. Thank you, fairy!☀️☀️☀️
Sometimes real love is excepting someone as they are from a distance
Oh so dreadfully spot on.... I am learning this as best I can, realizing how often I have done many of these things, unable to roll back conversation moments! My adult son has been a big mirror for this, not always in a comfortable way, but always a face-full if truth.
I can fully understand how this is a trauma behavior, and I also know that my Truer Nature really wants to meet people with open heart and mind and RESPECT.
Wow. Thanks again, Anna
This is also helpful in reverse. I can take this to extremes both ways, so balance is the key for me. I'm working on my honesty, rather than people pleasing tendencies. That doesn't always win friends or popularity contests, but it's necessary for me and for building genuine and balanced relationships. I come from a family that does not allow honest conversation and it's only pleasantries or criticizing the people who rock the boat with their uncomfortable honesty. I'm learning that I don't have to be everyone's friend and that if I have to ignore the elephant in the room or censor myself to get along or make friends, those aren't real friends and I don't need to waste my energy cultivating conversation. Surely, it can go to the opposite extreme and sometimes you have to grin and bear it to accomplish goals or resolve problems with others. This is good advice to know how to cultivate conversation or shut it down when you need to.
~Yes!!!~
Recently there have been times where I managed to have meaningful connections and conversations, like I found the healed and intact part within me. But it just goes all back again to the emotional/behavioural mess that I am... It's hard 😢
I love my pet chickens with all my heart. They are family- we sleep, eat and garden together. They are my kids. When I share this with anyone, the first thing someone has to tell me is some sick and sadistic story about the way they brutally neglected, abused, killed or abandoned their chickens. WTF?!! I don’t have anything in common with humanoids .
Thank you for this wonderful, thought-provoking podcast. I really appreciate the sensitive way you presented the information. So much resonated, particularly when you mentioned how lovely it is to learn from another person and to take what they say with openness, and to "try to understand and . . . see the picture they're painting of what they see in the world." What a beautiful way of looking at others! And thank you for talking about the ways introverts and extroverts look at pauses in a conversation differently -- this is very helpful. I had thought, when I began to listen that this might be hard to listen to but something I should learn more about. Instead this has been enriching and so helpful. So thank s again.
Thank you so much for this. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year and seeing that BOTH my ADHD and CPTSD steer me towards these. I'm working so hard to not do these while also learning how to be myself. NDs usually connect/relate to others with a "Me too" story. 😬
I love how Anna gives practical advice that works
As a slow conversational processor, YES PLEASE LEAVE THE PAUSES EMPTY. I am doing so much work taking in what you said, trying to empathize, looking for the overall theme/your reason for telling me this, trying to come up with a related question or anecdote or topic, all while simultaneously scrubbing my brain for my own opinion. Not everything has to be volley-volley-volley-volley. Give me time to think! And you continuing to fill up space with more words doesn't give me time to think, it just adds more hay to the stack while I'm searching for the needle
The concept of emotional intelligence is germain to your topic. I think that reciprocity is an ideal that depends upon being aware of the emotional state of those with whom we interact. Emotion can be visible indicators of what human beings are thinking, if we learn to discern instead of driving our personal agendas, biases, etc. I believe that reciprocity is nicely described in the golden rule...do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Great presentation on conversation stoppers, Anna!
This was so helpful! I struggle with several of these items and didn’t even realize why. I always get the queue that there’s some thing uncomfortable but wasn’t quite sure how to remedy it for the future. Thank you!
I also wanted to add the old adage seek first to understand and then to be understood seems to be a helpful guiding principle.
One phrase I’ve learned is, after listening of course, “I think I hear you saying..” Then the other person can tell you if you understood correctly or not. You have the opportunity to reflect back what you think you heard and the opportunity to validate their feelings.
I’m not sure how applicable this is to when you first are getting to know someone. It might be better in situations where there’s conflict or heavy emotions being shared.
Aside from all that I realize this was just an example but wanted to share I’ve been in therapy for most of the last 20 years and for the last four have been working with an internal family systems therapist.
I FS has been more transformative for me than all the other types of therapy I’ve tried combined. It’s so interesting how there’s so many different types of therapy and theories and how different people respond.
I think I FS works better for people who are comfortable accessing their trauma through their right brain. Before meeting this counselor I had spent a few years meditating every day and so being engaged in this modality feels complementary to my meditation. And I’m comfortable and trust her So I can tell her the most bizarre things I see or hear or feel in my mind and never feel judged and even though at the time if it doesn’t seem to make any sense it always makes sense in the end.
I just wanted to share my positive experiences with IFS even though it was a bit off topic.
Anyway I have really been enjoying your content. Thank you for creating it.
ACTUALLY... I was a know it all at some point in my life, it was very involuntary because I never being taught the understanding of other people reactions to my behavior. With time (and other traumas piling up) I completely went numb in order ro survive as such I became a people pleaser, I religiously followed these points but without having my heart in any conversation, I always felt in autopilot and I couldn't connect with people without exactly knowing why. The more I started to detach by my toxic environment, starting to rebuild my psyche by myself the more I am understanding that I was always in survival mode and never had actually a real friend to call that. Only people with roles in my mind because I was putting a façade to fit in in order to survive. It felt so draining that saturated me completely, now that I'm starting finally my journey to recover I want to incorporate all of these in a more proactive manner. I need to thank this page that is giving me a lot of food for thoughts :)
I’ve so often done the thing where I relate what someone says back to me and go “oh that reminds me of-”... Whenever it happens nowadays I just say my thing and then immediately tell them something like “anyway, I didn’t mean to make this all about me” with a laugh and circle back to what they were first saying. It usually works well!
16:52 - If I ever did this,.. AND/or if it was perceived...
I am immeasurably sorry - very very sorry.
And I hope you will accept my apology.
Hi Anna, thanks for this video. I found it really helpful. I'm not very good at small talk and I see myself in some of the conversation killers. I'm hoping to do a little better from now on...!
I had a friend named Tim, who started volunteering at an animal shelter, as a way to meet new people!!!!! He got eaten by a lion !!!
You're joking right?
I wish I could send this to my mother in law. She trauma dumps on people in almost every conversation. Even to her grandkids once they are teens. She pushes everyone away.
You could be at a happy celebration party and she'll launch into a story about a tragedy that happened 20 years ago. She also just disagrees to disagree. And she feels she's the expert on everything.
It's all clearly from unresolved trauma but no one can stand the energy drain every conversation has. She's alienated all her friends. We were her last family willing to stick around but it's overwhelming. We've both had the uncomfortable conversation and asked her to get therapy. Me by starting with how much therapy has helped me so it wasn't in a judgmental way.
She said nope. She's too old to change now. It's so sad but you can't let a drowning person drag you down especially when we have kids to raise.
For anyone watching this - you are doing a brave thing reaching out to improve your life. This isn't just about meeting new people. This can also help conversation with current friends or family. There may be people around you now who will appreciate your improved conversation skills!
Wow, i recognized my previous behaviour a lot!
hm, after watching some of your videos about isolation, i tried to heal the wound while i socialized by greeting some people in college these days. i tried to talk to them, even to my crush. i began conversation to them. but it felt so ... shallow and they seemed not at ease while talking to me, compared to others. i thought, oh maybe it was just my first time! but then, days went, and the result was just the same. i felt like they weren't enjoying my conversation. i was triggered, and went shut out, isolating myself for nearly 2 week, or 3 week, by going completely silent like what i used to do before. then i found this video, AND DAMN IT WAS GIVING ME FRESSHHHHH AIR. thank you so much, i was so clueless on all of these conversation stoppers because i did all of them lol. thank you.
Glad it was helpful! And you should be proud of yourself for trying! You're doing a great job. Goods luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
This is absolutely --- good ! Is there more you have on talking ,conversation , bring it on .
I find myself a good person to have a conversation with. I've been working on my connection skills for such a long time! Almost with everyone I can talk for a long time and with pleasure. People like me and I like other people. BUT! Really since covid other people seem to be losing those skills! Even for me, and I really take the most energy from connecting and bonding, getting to make people feel good enough to talk has become so draining for me! I feel like my neutral mood - neutral! not the best, just normal, good - makes people ashamed with themselves. It's so hard to break the ice. It's so hard to sustain an eye contact even! And when people look at the floor all the time I subconciously adjust and become a little bit shy myself. I've lived with a couple of roommates since 10 years. With some of them the possibility of connection was almost impossible. Not because of me, but because of their shame problem, as I can call it. I have a lot of problems because of CTPSD, but sometimes I feel like almost everyone is traumatized in some way or another. These days people are out of balance and triggered more than they used to be in the past.
These are excellent ideas to show respect and appreciation for someone you're trying to connect with. I have all the symptoms of someone who feels awkward in that kind of situation. Thanks, Fairy, for sharing.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I loved this, it was really useful advice, I will try and remember it. I have sisters who do several of these and because it just ruins our conversations I am very aware of it when I'm talking to others. I think it's having older confident, extravert siblings that would talk over me and not let me finish, that made me grow up into the introvert I am today.
You really would be a great teacher and could change the new generation ❤ you are doing great things for people who weren’t taught these things by their parents or had a traumatic or crappy upbringing. I was depressed since I was 13 and now at 30, im only getting better !!! you answered so many of my questions since I was little and I can’t wait to apply all your practical suggestions and advices to myself and my 3 daughters! I wish these things are part of the school curriculum, it will truly change the entire generation for the better and will help build a new society of level headed people. Keep on doing what you do. I’ll keep supporting you in anyway I can
Thank you for your kind words! I'll make sure Anna reads this :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Dr. Actually hahaha! I had a friend who used to do that pretty much all the time. It was to the point of I heard his voice saying well actually.... and I was instantly internally rolling my eyes...When I'm illustrating a point I often exaggerate or use an absurd example so it's easily understood. Dr. Actually are so focused on correcting you that they often fail to grasp second degree, sarcasm or the point of the conversation lol
Reminds me of that brilliant Ted talk by Celeste Headlee "10 Ways to have a better conversation " worth a watch.
Thanks for the suggestion. I just watched it.
Heard once if you see someone you’ve not seen in a while, casual acquaintance or friend ask “what’s exciting thing is going on in your life?” Rather than what’s new? So far for me, it’s run the gamut, getting to another level in their favorite game (teen) to travel to hobbies.
I have asked, "What have you learned of life lately?"
This was hugely informative and useful to me. Turns out I've mastered the art of killing the conversation: guilty of all the things you listed. I'll be sure to learn to do better from now on
So many of these (unfortunately) resonate with me! I think I've worked on and changed some of them but the "actually" is still hard. Mine comes from a childhood space of being misrepresented and having words twisted out of context, but this video really helped me see what happens for a regular person to be on the receiving end of it. Thank you for all your work!
It sounds like you're in the right place! We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I love this video. Communication has been of great interest for me. Particularly the ability to really listen.
I've done much of what is presented here. Recently met up with a colleague and could tick off this list while we were talking. She said she wants to be friends with me. My gut shouted a loud No! We have a toxic dynamic together.
I'm thankful that with the help of CCF I am way more able to detect unhealthy encounters and relationships. Thank you!
Thank you for watching. Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thanks, Anna! I identified several of these in myself & consciously tried to avoid them yesterday and felt much better about meeting some new people.
Wonderful!
Thank you so much for these! Just found your channel and so far all of them has been such a source of wisdom with things I can start practicing right now. Thank you ♥️
Welcome to the channel, we're so happy to have you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for adding the topic cards - It's helpful for following along with visual cues. All the best
Great video. I’ve struggled making friends due to past trauma, and this video is very helpful. ❤
I love these social skill videos!
I love this topic. Loneliness is really a heartbreaking problem. Where I had my own childhood situations, I am from a culture where I was raised to value and cultivate connections and, for me, the final one - make sure you let people know you approve / like them somewhere in there has been my saving grace. I give unsolicited advice (doing it now) wjth a side order of Dr Actually and an extra helping of ' I see your trouble and raise it five'... but I endeavour at all.times to be on your side doing it and if it melts your head and you take to avoiding me in tbe corridors - that is as it is - more room for both our waters to find their own levels so to speak. Principles that I was raised with that have been useful - try not to worry too much about yourself, the other person is likely to be equally awkward / nervous, be kind as possible to all you meet wherever whenever you never know when you walk with angels, the more people you connect with even on a light 'greet the light in you' way the more likely you meet your tribe and you have a lot of pleasant interactions on the way even wjth people who could be difficult enough on a deeper level, and embrace the sacred no. I have a horrible situation where people who get close to me can become targets so I am really protective of those in my inner circle. If you met me and found you weren't getting past warm surface level and you wanted more please respect my sacred no ... this would be rejection being divine protection out walking. Rather than causing upset, what is a relief to me is seeing people shrug and say .. next. There are so many good people out there and life is not indefinite (actually 😂).
What a lovely set of thoughts. Thank you.
Responding to "the divine Light" in others is a foundational tenet of Quakers (Religious Society of Friends), and your comment here resonates with that.
And the "divine no" is so hard sometimes, especially for women socialized to not "say no".
God bless you, Fairy! Just what I needed once again!
What do u do when they start steering the conversation into negative talk?
Do you attempt to steer it away or join them on the stump?
I realized I do most if not all these things. I feel like I just went 10 rounds with you. And you kicked my butt in all 10.
I'm so glad you're here! We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I feel like I need to listen to this every day to undo a lifetime of bad conversation skills
Such great advice! I am more guilty than I'd like to admit of some of these things. Ouch! It hurts!! But thank you for the reminder! I needed to hear this today.
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
This video arrives in my life at the exact right time
Thanks!
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Listening to this one again…. My gawd… I do all of those things!! I am TERRIBLE at deep conversations & every social occasion I have to remind myself to NOT TALK TOO MUCH! Just smile nod & don’t talk longer than a sentence or two!! I make people laugh a lot apparently I say goofy things - but not knowing how the rules are regarding conversation- it keeps me isolating all my life. This is gold for me…! I have been wondering about all of this stuff my whole life. You are the only person I ever heard explain this stuff ?! Sometimes I wonder if I am autistic? Or is it just cptsd ? Or maybe brain damage
So very useful & helpful info as always!! This called me out in 2 harmful ways - the negative too early (& too frequently) & Dr Actually & Mr Knowledge (Ughh 😢!). Terrible trauma responses (& 0 healthy modeling from caregivers). Thank u Anna! I love your real life examples!! (‘Kristen at work” lol 😂)
This is so helpful and useful i will watch it over and over