Coming from a family where my dad threw things and broke things from anger you will not have a relationship with them when they’re older. They’re terrified of you.
I agree. My husband is like that (he doesn't have an anger issue) but nothing is ever good enough. I could stay up cleaning until midnight, and if I don't get things done, his solution and I quote, "maybe if you got up earlier, you would get more done." 😮
Agree. I couldn't believe he spends 4 whole hours from 5am to 9am working out and what, having a lovely bit of 'me' time??? Yet let's his wife get the kids ready for school between 7-9 so he can drive them. He could have taken care of the entire morning routine with the kids AND still had a 2 hour workout... wtf is he doing?!
"Don't push my buttons, and then I won't lash out" are the words of a controling abuser. He wants her to behave or else he gets scary. He needs to face that.
My ex told me " if only you changed Everything about yourself, we'd habe a perfect relationship " his "perfect " was him being a dictator and me on my knees begging
This is the non sense they call reactive abuse. The abuser blames you because they are only reacting to you. You are the abuser for being yourself and that triggers them.
Had an ex like this... it was pretty scary. It was walking on eggshells around him, I could never be myself. Hell... he refused to call me his "girlfriend" until I lost weight. Idk why I was with him... I think I just got used to a routine...n I really like routines. He wasn't awful all the time... sometimes he would be funny n fun... but it was never worth it
When the wife told the kids to stop rolling in the grass, and the husband told the kid he could, he was teaching his kid that mom is stupid. He did it again with the TV. Tacitly teaching the kid we don’t listen to mom. She’s dumb. He disrespected her over and over. And I’m sure the cosequence is that the kids don’t obey her very easily. She doesn’t need flowers. She needs respect.
Yeah that's what I was thinking too. So disrespectful, and in such an underhanded way right? Because if she argues, not only is she stupid, but now she's mean and unjust. Not ok.
Fair enough, honestly I think John's approach puts this man in his place... He was able to shut down all of his excuses and reframe them into being his responsibility and not his wife. Does that mean he'll stop his behaviour? No. I really hope the wife can leave.
I completely agree. You see a lot of these guys and it is grooming their partner through violence and aggressive intimidation. That IS ABUSE plain and simple. When you can't bring something up with somebody because they're going to break everything around you, or they think you haven't met some expectation that they have that is ABUSE. I definitely echoed your sentiment in my own comment.
@@FaustinaFinnertyI think he does a great job, but I also think it's a little bit of dangerous territory and not calling it what it is because if you listen to this guy he takes zero accountability even when he reframes them. He's still trying to gaslight. You know what I mean. Sometimes you just have to look these guys square in the face and be like you sir ARE ABUSIVE is basically what you're saying like we all can hear it. We all see it. You're grooming with intimidation and threats of violence so that your partner does exactly what you want. That's ABUSIVE, it's NON-NEGOTIABLE. And I think it's a really slippery territory to not be completely upfront with those people about that. Because one of those instances can result in something absolutely devastating and traumatic for the entire family because it gets out of hand just ONE time. Anybody who's lived in that knows it.
100%. PsychologicalTerror. Been there. And they won’t leave because they are big man babies. So I had the balls to do it and then he can play the victim. Pathetic.
Those acts of anger are a threat....they're a reminder to everyone in the house that they could be next. Father died the week before. Not going to his funeral...I finally feel safe. He used his rage to terrify, hurt, and threaten those closest to him. His friends and some relatives think he's the kindest, most wonderful man....well they can enjoy his funeral without any of his kids because we're all too traumatized to go listen to how great he was. His anger was a choice....he gained from it while we all lost. If you can control you anger with others, you can control it at home.
I'm glad you have not. My ex punched a hole in the bathroom door in anger of where we were living. They proceeded to blame me for it. I had to fill the hole and patch and paint over it. ME.
Calm people like us should be vigilant for it. Once you see a person is argumentative frequently, put boundaries. They dont belong in your life. These narcissists are angry people by default. Empty inside. Needs to fight or argue. Needs to tell people " my ideas are superior. I am right all the time" High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Controlling. The caller tells he is controlling. Bingo!
If Im the wife, the first anger tantrum I see, I will tell him to go to a therapist for anger management or our marriage is done. Before you could love anyone, you need to love yourself and discover your own personality. I will not be surprised if he has narcissism. They are angry people by default. High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Has anger management issues. Controlling. Which the caller confirms. They are not happy people and do not think about the future, nor consequences while smashing stuff and the wife and children sees him. They are like 5 yr old kids in an adult body. They love to create fights, drama and arguments. That is their oxygen for the day. A day without fights is boring to them. Put them in an environment with calm, peaceful people, they will create fights and drama. These people need overhaul in their hearts before they become better versions of themselves. Low empathy on people.
The experience he described at the campfire was him undermining her attempts at wrangling the kids, but then losing it when she questioned his call on TV time. And he said she’s not consistent with the AM routine but admits to not being consistent with how he communicates with his wife. He’s justifying his decisions and actions, but won’t allow hers to challenge what he thinks should happen. This is totally about control with absolutely no compromise.
Exactly! He wants to be the friend and not the parent. He's a hypocrite about giving the kids sugar before and wondering why they can't go to sleep, and then blaming his wife for "throwing it in his face." Bro, he doesn't parent his kid, he expects HER TO DO EVERYTHING and then has the gall to say that HE IS PARENTING HIS WIFE, GTFO; he can't even parent his own children. And God forbid his slave, I mean his wife, oops.. take more time getting out of bed in the morning because she's the ONLY person that could ever take care of the kids, if only there was ANOTHER OF THE KIDS' PARENTS AROUND /s.
Bingo! He’s deliberately creating a dichotomy of disrespect and hierarchy with him and his wife. His word is Bible and her word only has value when he isn’t there. Pair that with his violent outbursts and you’ve got an unstable household. If she’s sleeping through alarms, then he should change his gym time temporarily and help her with the kids. Maybe he could work out during his lunch time at work or get a home gym and factor his fatherly duties into his self care. He has to stop the tantrums and the power trips.
Very common in abusive situations. I lived it for 9 years. They are delusional to their own behavior. He thought he’d get the support and recognition, he was mistaken. Entitlement, lack of empathy and accountability.
@@Ms.Monte_CarloSSfor 9 years I did the same thing. I would pretend sleep so I didn’t have to have my morning ruined at 7am sharp by something being broken or thrown or being screamed in my face. I would have a panic attack within minutes of waking up. He also sleep deprived me and wouldn’t let me sleep at night if I went to bed before he did. I avoided him in the morning and stayed up until he was gone to bed to have a minute of peace. I barely slept in 9 years. Abuse like that is unfathomable.
He was wrong for throwing his own tantrum, but not for setting boundaries with the children. Sure, he let loose, and then he heaven forbid, set a boundary, and said the child could not watch TV, but he could read. I think she had a part in that too, at least in that instance.
@@limitbreakplusultra7551Marriage and kids are not guarantees of being looked after in old age. Care homes are filled with people who have children who never visit.
His wife is depressed and terrified. She can’t keep it up with the pressure and abuse. He sounds sadistic. I’m the smartest, my wife triggers me, I parent my wife, my family is nothing without me. Get the *** out! You ABUSE her! No one can function properly in those conditions when there’s a threat of things getting broken, meaning that it should be your wife and your children. You will never understand the fear you instill into your families heads. I do! Ask yourself If someone treated you like that every single day, how would you feel??? How would you function??? Would you not want to wake up to another day of a nightmare?! Your marriage is not “toxic”, you are ABUSIVE!!!!
I was a child who grew up with a dad who yelled and smashed things. It has caused me to struggle with certain fears my whole life. Please don’t do that to your wife and kids. You’re bigger, stronger, and scary. No one should have to live in fear like that, especially with someone who says they love you.
John is so good at finding whats at the bottom of the issue. Childhood trauma is ruining lives. I was an alcoholic too, with childhood trauma from domestic violence and other abuse. I remember being in my late teens rejecting men who were nice to me because I believed that a man who didn't hit me couldn't possibly love me. I suffered a mental breakdown in 2019, and that was a huge wake up call for me. I found a psychotherapist who was experienced in EMDR. 5 years later, I am healed, have cut off my dysfunctional family, I am studying medicine, have my own apartment, and I am sober by the grace of Jesus.
Your story with the cutting off your family I totally get. When my father passed away my mother went apeshit with her toxic behavior. I cut her off completely for 7 years and it was the best thing I ever did. You sound like you are doing great and have accomplished many things. I am proud of you. I wish you the very best.
But he likes doing what he wants and she needs more things to do because he is probably the bread winner. I always feel like I need to so more because he takes care of finances and I need to earn my keep.
@@amysmiles9751nah - I work from home and take care of my kids. Being a mom (or dad) is hard work of its own. He can get off his butt and help out. Being a mom is 24:7 work is 9:5 - he can pitch in. 😊
Yep, and they quarrel about the TV being on, and before there is some tension about dog poop and too many sweets. Now the TV was childisch of her (even if it was on the weekend, bed time should not differ too much - also we do not know how old the kids are, but he talked about reading to them but also school). Most likely if he had asked her kindly and taken her in the arm she would have yielded. Especially if he REALLY offered to get the kids ready for bed. Also the wife yelled at the kids, this is what got him in. So likely she was losing her patience and abused the TV as baby sitter (that can be solved by him being the babysitter). He does not need to switch off the TV - just picking up the kid and going to the bathroom and getting them ready for the night. Another thing: they had a family night - and she starts yelling at the kids ? Short fuse (her too) or she was fuming, or there was already some tension before the family night had started. Only he did not notice, because for him things were O.K. She was right with the dog poop (and maybe also with the sweets). Our old family doctor said: A bit of dirt is healthy - but I'll excluse dog poop from being a good stimulant to the immune system, that is not only gross, it can get a kid parasites and sometimes dangerous illnesses. So he could have been supportive - be fooling around with the kids w/o rolling on the ground. how about a crazy dance.
@@franziskanishe could possibly be getting on the kids mostly because she has gotten used to trying to keep them from setting off her husband into one of his rages. My husband has a violent temper and I tried keeping the kids from giving him any reason to explode all over all of us.
Grown up temper tantrums are so embarrassing. I bet this guy won’t throw a tantrum like that in a public place; which would mean he CAN control himself.
He never said he can control himself in public. We don't know that side of him cuz he didn't say. If wife triggers him, there's gotta be others out there that trigger him.
It is only a matter of time before he starts acting out in public against his wife and children and basically anyone who offends him. This guy is extremely toxic and he does not have the tools and maturity to work on his behavior through consistent therapy to avoid disastrous social situations.
@@thedognoseknows4451 if he hasn't already been in jail, he probably hasn't lost it in public yet. No one would let him treat his wife and kids like that.
I used to say “He would never hit me”.. but violence isn’t always physical.. 10 years and now I’ve decided to disconnect to save myself and my children
Physical Violence Physical violence occurs when someone uses a part of their body or an object to control a person’s actions. Sexual Violence Sexual violence occurs when a person is forced to unwillingly take part in sexual activity. Emotional Violence Emotional violence occurs when someone says or does something to make a person feel stupid or worthless. Psychological Violence Psychological violence occurs when someone uses threats and causes fear in an individual to gain control. Spiritual Violence Spiritual (or religious) violence occurs when someone uses an individual’s spiritual beliefs to manipulate, dominate or control that person. Cultural Violence Cultural violence occurs when an individual is harmed as a result of practices that are part of her or his culture, religion or tradition. Verbal Abuse Verbal abuse occurs when someone uses language, whether spoken or written, to cause harm to an individual. Financial Abuse Financial abuse occurs when someone controls an individual’s financial resources without the person’s consent or misuses those resources. Neglect Neglect occurs when someone has the responsibility to provide care or assistance for an individual but does not.
The first caller is actually disturbing me how he can sit here and admit that he has a control problem and can’t manage his own physicality, then he goes on to say he wants to work on his marriage and he loves his wife. How can someone be so unaware that they are the villain in their home? I would expect men who abuse and are violent at home would be like “yeah I’m the one in control and that’s how I like it and I don’t care that they are afraid”. But he legit doesn’t see how he’s the bad guy here.
I've asked my bf the same. Never got an answer. I send it to him, he listened to it and is now very, very quiet. I hope it helped, otherwise I'm leaving him and I'll take the kids with me.
@AlexandraVioletta it will not work. He is quiet because he disagrees. Please leave. Protect your children. I left a year ago, and life is hard, but it is much more beautiful. And best of all, my baby and I are ALIVE. GET OUT PLEASE I am begging you!
This guy was like my dad. And my mom was an enabler. Break things, beat us kids, yell at us. I cut both my parents off completely. And I’ll never look back. I don’t want them anywhere around my family, especially my children.
I also blamed my mom more than my dad. She knew better and could help herself, she let it happen, etc. I never thought of the term enabler and always felt so guilty for how I felt about my mom vs dad when it was my dad doing the actual abuse. But enabling. That's how it felt. My dad changed, eventually, I'm sorry yours did not. Thankfully it showed me how to change when I found myself mirroring the same angry patterns.
+psk7565 - grandparents are usually much better behaved (they get milder. I have seen that in my family). If might be in the interest of your kids to no completely cut them off. They may not "deserve" the grace. But your kids do. And they might (likely will) experience the grandparents as relatively kind and pleasant (no, it is not fair. Maybe you cannot stomach to have any contact and maybe they are toxic. But this is sth else then needing to protect your children. It is very likely they would not be mistreated, on the contrary).
I grew up with an abusive dad taking out his anger on my mom and us. I grew up afraid of him and resented him… your kids are watching everything you do… when I became an adult I ended up in two relationships exactly like my dad was to my mom… A direct result of having fighting, toxic and abusive parents is I grew up to date abusive men and my brother became an abuser…
I’m 19 and my little brother is 11 and we were in a similar situation. The thought that he could potentially be an abuser and me in an abusive relationship is terrifying. I am sorry things played out this way for you. Thank you for your comment.
…why do you fight over such petty things. When your wife disciplines her kids, let her. You can discuss your disagreement when the kids are not around. She’s being more strict around you because that’s how you are usually. Then you suddenly change the demeanor because it’s a “special” occasion. That kind of unpredictable behavior is VERY difficult to cope with. The core problem seems to be control issue, and he gets violent when he cannot take the control.
One statement that sent shivers down my spine is “she knows how to push my buttons”. I know someone from childhood who used that phrase. Listen up people: You don’t have a Bad Button!! You have the ability to make choices. And him wanting to undermine his wife while outside with his family was likely why he was being so “loose”. Then when she tries to follow his lead by turning the tv on, he turns on her again. Manipulative and vicious.
And he wants her back because, without someone ro abuse, he's disregulated and angry. His supply for emotional energy has him upset. He will just get worse and worse
Don’t assume she is pushing his buttons. I could very very carefully ask for the kitchen table to be cleared. (Very carefully because you never know what will set him off). Finally seeing how this is abusive and he is still making excuses. Seeing the years of his dismissing my feelings while he has a self-pity party.
He has a lot of rage inside and uses control to hold it in and keep in line. He needs credit for calling. He knows it isn't right, which is a big step.
That poor girl who just realised she was in an abusive relationship or is not safe at home!. 😮John is so good at knowing how to get to the route of the problem... I hope she got out
Listening to this is sooo triggering for me that I had to stop. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years and it ended up leaving permanent scars due to being abusive in multiple ways ways. His thought process is … just the fact that he can justify this… it’s scary.
I like how straight foward youre being with this call. I think its right on that her worrying about the kids rolling around on the ground is because if that kid did roll in dog poop dad would have flown off the handle, if she would have said ok to another smore then you would have put a stop to it despite her.. i feel in my gut that this situation is way worse than he is letting on, ive heard him belittle her for his benefit 3 times in the first 10 min of this call.. i could be wrong i hope i am.. also, as a wife who has a husband who needs to step away sometimes and who learned thats ok and necessary sometimes... When you leave the house instead of throwing things dont do it in a mean way ... If you do it as a punishment of course thatll trigger her as well and scare the kids ..
I came from a childhood riddled with drugs and an unpredictable abusive parent. As an adult, I don't act like that at all. I flat out made a decision long ago, that part of my family tree ends with me. My spouse (and any future children) will never know what I experienced, because I will not bring that in to their lives. Therapy was a gift to me. It let me heal and tell my inner child that it is all going to be ok.
Congratulations!!! I am so proud of you!! Thank you for caring about our future generations and yourself so deeply! I’m also so sorry that you experienced that. It should have never been that way.
THIS! And this is how I DECIDED my life would be. My kids and my spouse would never know the feelings I did growing up! This is PROOF that it is a decision!!!
@@briannecaswell6204 absolutely a choice!! We broke the system instead of falling victim to it. My brother is the opposite following the same pattern and his kids suffer for it.
@@victorialarowe4980 thank you! I agree that I never should've had to experience it. I chalk it up to be a tougher person than most and learn what NOT to be like.
I absolutely do not buy the ‘lost control’ argument when men scream and break things at home. I can guarantee they don’t behave like that at their workplace, or around their buddies or parents. It’s a choice. It is absolutely a choice.
anyone else hear the 'i want to have deep conversations' as one of his wants then he talks about getting into an argument and have that deep conversation he threatened divorce to get out of the conversation and stay at someone elses house. The woman is probably so afraid to talk with him and be vulnerable. He needs deep conversations with a therapist before he tries more having more damaging 'deep conversations'(aka probably wanting her to agree to do what he wants and not have an opinion) with his wife.
The first caller sounds super manipulative. Everything was all about him. He says he takes responsibility for his actions while simultaneously saying that his actions just happen. He's simultaneously the hero and the victim of his story.
That first guy sounds like he needs a lot of intervention and help and I’m so glad John actually told him the truth about how he talks about his wife and family.
When I tell my kid get up off the grass like that, my husband says, "Hey you heard your mother get up" and when my husband says turn the television off I back him as well. Raising kids is hard, doing it alone is harder, doing it against your partner is nearly impossible.
Good job Dr Delony for calling out this controlling character. I grew up with one of my Mum's partners, who was controlling and violent. It was horrendous. I feel sorry for his wife and children. He does not sound loving, he does not sound caring, he does not sound kind.
I don't think I can ever be with someone who breaks things every time they get mad. The last time I dated someone who had anger issues and I RAN as soon as I saw a red flag. I'm NOT responsible fixing his issue.
Sister, I finally gave up alcohol after 30 years of heavy drinking. The one thing that helped me quit was realizing my drinking was different, even from my drinking friends. I was dealt this hand of cards and that is just the way it is. I simply wasn't going to be able to drink moderately. Putting down the bottle is not the hardest part, it's rebuilding your life, filling the giant hole that alcohol has left behind. Start this journey as soon as possible! My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 years ago. You will find so much joy and peace beyond this. Let me recommend two wonderful books that helped me - Laura McKowen, "We are the Luckiest" and Caroline Knapp, "Drinking, a Love Story". Much love to you. You can do this!
18:48 he probably needs to take a knee to his wife the same amount of times he’s thrown things and yelled. This is going to take years to come back to ground zero.
Telling his wife she needs to act a certain way to avoid "triggering" him is a red flag. In itself, that is abusive. "I only hurt you because you did this, so YOU need to be more _______ (obedient)--it is YOUR fault I choose to hurt you". He clearly does not want to be in the relationship and does not want to take responsibility for that! Why don't these people save everyone's time and just do what does make them happy?! Life is too short to keep up this nonsense!
Not enough people in the comments praising the second caller for identifying her needs and asking for help. Many wait until it gets much worse. Through her past and present, so strong!!
You go out of your way to frighten your wife and then you ask her for a deep conversation? How do you expect her to open up when you’re constantly threatening her?
Narcissists have low empathy. They dont care with people's feelings. High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Anger management issues. Not happy person. Throws emotional tantrums whether at home or in public. That is how they are by default. They want conversation but those conversations almost lead to arguments. Because arguments, fights is the daily oxygen narcs need. Controlling. Blames people. The caller had the controlling part, blames her, anger management issues. Bingo!
This describes my ex perfectly! He screamed, yelled and broke things yet demanded attention, closeness and validation. He told everyone that I was cold and distant. Since he was blaming me for reacting to his poor behaviour, I concluded this would never get better and we are no longer together.
Sophie is really scared. I remember those feelings. Horrible. I hope she leaves. These words got me out: "Leap and the net will appear." It did. It was hard, but i was safe. I justhad to deal with the cPTSD.
You can not be selfish and have a healthy marriage. If you think that your spouses job is to make you happy, take care of you and make your life easier, You will never be happy. But if your goal is to fulfill your spouse, make them happy, make their life better than you can find happiness
My father back in the 70's used to get up early and get my brother and I up and ready for school. He used to let my mom sleep in because he was at work during the day and knew we were exhausting when she had to deal with us.
Because he wants to do his thing and work out. His wants and needs come before his wife, especially his children. Gee, he has to work out every morning. What about doing it during his lunch hour or after he gets off work. He maybe using the work out bit in the morning to get out of the house to avoid responsibility to help with their children. To avoid being around his wife and children as they get on his nerves and are not cohesive with his protocol and standards . He never said anything about what he could do to help in the morning and help his wife general.
This dude is allergic to taking responsibility. Everything is, "And then this happened..." No, you are terrorizing you family. Of course she sleeps through her alarm; you make her life hell. Why would she want to come back to that?
yet he's the one that tries to talk with her about problems and she stonewalls. He's the one calling in to a show for help, and she's getting her kids late to school. He's showing up on time every day and providing for his family and coming home to pull his weight in the evening while she yells at kids and runs off... only to return to scold him for how he does it. He's the one who aims his rage at objects instead of people and leaves the house to remove himself when he knows he needs to. meanwhile she can't even perform basic adult functions unless he's writing her love notes with flowers? what grown woman needs that to love her kids enough to get them from A to B? The only one demonstrating an aversion to responsibility is her.
@@scratch57 No. He is psychologically abusive and he is violent. His wife is exhausted, and probably depressed, because she keeps having to walk on eggshells and get the kids to stick to a very strict and inconsistent routine to prevent her husband from flying into a rage. He said clearly that when things don't go his way, he breaks things. She's a bad mom because she sleeps in at 7 AM? What about her husband who terrorizes the family when someone contradicts him?
@@aliteralgoblin 100% sidestepping, you didn't address any of my points. she clearly isn't living in terror of him since she sleeps in all the time, failing her children in such a basic way. Would a woman verbally abuse her children then scold her husband for helping her as she asked if she feared his physicality? your bias is blinding, as the shine from your white knight armor... instead of assuming a woman can do no wrong when a man is close at hand to blame, how about recognize HE is the one calling the show seeking help. He is the one trying to fix things while she's undermining him, refusing his efforts to cooperate, and failing her household also.
@@scratch57 Yea, Dr. John provided him perfect advice, and especially how to manage situations when he gets angry and falls into an out of control rage episode. Different alternatives to save himself as well as his marriage, and especially his children to give them a better life. Dr. John in no way excused this guy's behavior.
@@scratch57 no, he's trying to sound like he wants to fix things. Yet every time he mentions taking responsibility he then points to her behavior as the problem and the trigger. He gives himself all the benefits of the doubt, but holds his wife to uncompromising yet variable rules that he makes up as he goes along. He makes her get up to get the child ready for school when he's already up and she's obviously exhausted. He expects her to be vulnerable and share deeply with him when he's violently abusive. No one in their right mind would open up to a guy like that! He has NO clue how terrified his family is of him (or else, he actually DOES know, and gets kicks from it... not sure yet). But he's definitely trying to set a record of looking like Mr nice guy. I wonder if that means he's planning on upping the abuse and wants to be able to point to the show as a corroboration that he is the "good guy" and that it's all his wife's fault that he has to hospitalize or 💀 them... 🤔
My prayers are with you Kayla......our stories are very similar. I'm here to tell you that you can do this! You are worth sobriety and we can trust ourselves again. I picked up my five year coin in January and life is beautiful.
What I have to say to Kayla is. Yes, of course it’s hard to leave your kids 30 days but the alternative, they could lose you for their lifetime. 30 days could save them from a lifetime of hurt
This first story is heartbreaking. Another case of intergenerational trauma getting passed down from grandfather, to father, to son. Hopefully he was convinced to finally break the cycle...
I came here after listening to the podcast, Dr. John did an amazing job with the first caller, the more I listen the more concerned I became about his wife and family. Dr. John is excellent and I love 8:49 because he was direct and to the point. Wow !
1:03:23 my parents grew up in alcoholic homes, and made the decision young, not to go there in their lives. I am so thankful they made that choice for themselves. They were not perfect. Their decision made dramatic changes in the family tree and gave me the understanding of "choice "!
Ended with me breaking a chair? WHAT? 🤯 That is not okay! Omg, his poor wife and children!😭 That was my ENTIRE childhood along with sexual molestation and rape of course. But the violence, it hits me in a different way. Thankfully it was never combined with the sexual abuse, for me anyway. I am not sure that I could have survived that, at least not as myself. The violence just terrifies me in a different way, a type of terror that would result likely in further violence. God, that would be awful. I know it's a "choice" intellectually, it simply wouldn't feel like one in the moment. Even just imagining it, the tightness in my entire body is tangible. Goodness, I had no idea that I had this much more work to do.😓❤
Over some tension because she objected to rolling in poop (maybe) and too many sweets. Then she yelled at kids (WHY - they had a nice family night, didn't they ??) and he was not O.K. with the TV on at 10.30 pm. He was right on the merit BUT getting into an argumen over THAT and then BREAKING a chair. I wonder if the wife was O.K. with the camp fire and why he did not help her getting kids ready right away. (clean up: they can do it together later when kids are sleeping).
@@franziskaniI heard a woman who is doing everything possible to conform to his preferences while struggling to survive. The TV thing, well she explained it later with how she felt she was being forced into the "bad guy" role. Which is childish but in a way expected. Especially in a home constantly waiting for the next blowout. This is how I grew up, day in and day out, you never knew what to expect. Could be a nice day, but you never knew. The uncertainty makes everything difficult, you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you live this day in and day out you are on guard all the time, nothing is ever really "good", maybe for him, but not anyone else. Furthermore the times that you do let down your guard and enjoy yourself end up being a double edged sword when that faithful shoe falls. Sometimes you regret anything that ends in the same.
First caller, sounds like he is an adult child of alcoholics. It took courage for him to show up to this. What he needs is a reset. Anger counseling but a real out-patient program. Theres guys who have overcome this, who will hold him tightly accountable, and with loving support. He needs that kind of reparenting. Great call.
Pretty sure she told the kid to stop rolling and no more s'mores because that's what she thought he wanted. He's so erratic, she has no idea what to do when he swings that extremely.
The first guy needs to admit he just wants a divorce. He doesn't want to be a failure, but if he continues to put pressure into this situation he will become a family annihilator.
He doesnt want a divorce. Hes using that as another way to manipulate and get control. If she tried to leave i bet he eould physically abuse her and/or threaten her life.
Stop the violence! Don't question each other's authority with the kids in front of the kids. Sit down and decide on your values and how you're going to parent and get on the same page. Kids need sleep! Parents need them to go to bed. Put the kids on a schedule.
My dad is an alcoholic and has been for my entire life. I'm 30 now and he is still an alcoholic. I am so proud of Kayla for admitting she needs help I truly hope that she can overcome her anxiety and live a life that she is worthy of. Listening to her really touched my heart.
I lived through it most of my life. I got to where I would question my own decisions and my own judgement and my self worth. I made my life revolve around them because I didn't heal my trauma. Finally getting to a point where I don't have to be in fight mode automatically, but those kind of people do exist. For those who have survived for so long, I have a hope that you will find peace and calm inside yourself. Know that you are worth being well.
oh dang. mom is highly reactive because she’s walking on eggshells trying to keep husband calm. the irony is that it’s triggering him, because he’s finally allowing himself to relax off the routine.
TY for that mental picture of my Ex as one big body of nothing but buttons. 😂 No one & nothing pleases a narcissistic abuser. They are the victim in every situation. 🙄 Good riddance to their drama!
The man who threw stuff around reminds me of my husband. As his wife, I try to do things to not trigger him to the point where I'm beginning to feel exhausted at the end of each day. Even considering leaving because I feel like I'm in the wrong relationship
Hes breaking stuff because he wants you to be afraid. Otherwise he would go hammer stuff in the garage. He is choosing to terrify you. He will choose to beat you when its convenient, and then choose to kill you. And if its not his choice, if he really is "out of control"? Then he could beat you to death from the same lack of control. Leave him. Cut all ties. Move and never let him know where. Dont hestitate, dont overthink, and dont go back no matter what.
Breaking things is a threat of things to come. It desensitizes the victims, so when physical assaults on their body begins, the victim is used to it. Being with an abuser is like the proverbial frog in water with the heat slowly getting raised.
I don't think this guy is going to be able to change. He sounds like his rage is a big part of him and you can't flip a switch and say I will now do the right thing and stop this. Not looking to be negative, but I've lived with this type of person and they just don't have the self control.
Not surprised if he has narcissism as part of personality. They are all like that. Angry people. High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Lives and breathes daily for fights, argument and drama. Has anger management issues. Not a happy person. Empty inside. Not thinking of the future when smash objects. Low empathy. Does not care with what people think when he smashes things. They are all like that. You dont smash objects unless you have so much rage inside. He admitted he is controlling. Narcs are controlling. Bingo!
My ex husband used to punch holes in the wall and break furniture. It was usually my things, like my desk chair. I am so glad I am divorced from him. Regret staying as long as I did.
I’m 43 years old today my dad was just like that. I don’t have a relationship with him today neither my siblings and my mom left him. He’s old and alone today. He didn’t want change so the consequences of his actions came.
Prayers to all the callers today- this was a very heavy show but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just so grateful for Dr. D and his way of empathizing, loving, and caring for all the callers. Love John so much, he’s truly changing so many lives! ❤
Thank goodness he called! Even though he didn’t know what was actually happening and going wrong, he knew it wasn’t going well enough to reach out. Very tactfully handled to get it explained to him that it is absolutely not going to change because of him!
the first man "needs connection" and doesn't want his wife to react a certain way? Why is he trying to dictate someone else's reactions when he can't control his own? And how can he expect anyone to trust him to be vulnerable with them when he has tantrums all the time?
I relate so much to the caller from England. I run from my loneliness by bleeding myself dry at work. I also foster cats. I hope that she's doing alright.
Coming from a family where my dad threw things and broke things from anger you will not have a relationship with them when they’re older. They’re terrified of you.
Completely agree as my father did the same seeing holes in the wall with destroyed furniture it’s not normal and honestly can affect your kids
100%. My dad was an alcoholic and I lived in fear of him. He yelled and threw things. I never had a relationship with him till the day he died. Sad.
Yes!
@@dabd8175😅
You are sooo right!!! My dad can’t figure out why none of his 4 kids will call him back ever.
That woman is sleeping through her alarms because she is exhausted from living with you.
And probably very depressed…
I agree. My husband is like that (he doesn't have an anger issue) but nothing is ever good enough. I could stay up cleaning until midnight, and if I don't get things done, his solution and I quote, "maybe if you got up earlier, you would get more done." 😮
Agree. I couldn't believe he spends 4 whole hours from 5am to 9am working out and what, having a lovely bit of 'me' time??? Yet let's his wife get the kids ready for school between 7-9 so he can drive them. He could have taken care of the entire morning routine with the kids AND still had a 2 hour workout... wtf is he doing?!
@@amysmiles9751 that may not be physical abuse but its definitely emotional abuse. You deserve better
"Don't push my buttons, and then I won't lash out" are the words of a controling abuser. He wants her to behave or else he gets scary. He needs to face that.
My ex told me " if only you changed Everything about yourself, we'd habe a perfect relationship " his "perfect " was him being a dictator and me on my knees begging
Exactly. Adults control themselves & their emotions. "You make me do it" is classic abuser tactics & gaslighting.
Well said!
This is the non sense they call reactive abuse. The abuser blames you because they are only reacting to you. You are the abuser for being yourself and that triggers them.
Had an ex like this... it was pretty scary. It was walking on eggshells around him, I could never be myself. Hell... he refused to call me his "girlfriend" until I lost weight. Idk why I was with him... I think I just got used to a routine...n I really like routines. He wasn't awful all the time... sometimes he would be funny n fun... but it was never worth it
When the wife told the kids to stop rolling in the grass, and the husband told the kid he could, he was teaching his kid that mom is stupid. He did it again with the TV. Tacitly teaching the kid we don’t listen to mom. She’s dumb.
He disrespected her over and over. And I’m sure the cosequence is that the kids don’t obey her very easily. She doesn’t need flowers. She needs respect.
Yeah that's what I was thinking too. So disrespectful, and in such an underhanded way right? Because if she argues, not only is she stupid, but now she's mean and unjust. Not ok.
And on it's simplest level, he just wants to make her wrong. In any situation he can.
And when he said she can’t have intelligent convo with him
Worst thing anyone can do is tell a child that a parent is wrong
💯💯💯
Very frustrated that this was not called exactly what it is- ABUSE.
This guy sounds narcissistic and controlling as hell
Fair enough, honestly I think John's approach puts this man in his place... He was able to shut down all of his excuses and reframe them into being his responsibility and not his wife. Does that mean he'll stop his behaviour? No. I really hope the wife can leave.
I completely agree. You see a lot of these guys and it is grooming their partner through violence and aggressive intimidation. That IS ABUSE plain and simple. When you can't bring something up with somebody because they're going to break everything around you, or they think you haven't met some expectation that they have that is ABUSE. I definitely echoed your sentiment in my own comment.
@@FaustinaFinnertyI think he does a great job, but I also think it's a little bit of dangerous territory and not calling it what it is because if you listen to this guy he takes zero accountability even when he reframes them. He's still trying to gaslight. You know what I mean. Sometimes you just have to look these guys square in the face and be like you sir ARE ABUSIVE is basically what you're saying like we all can hear it. We all see it. You're grooming with intimidation and threats of violence so that your partner does exactly what you want. That's ABUSIVE, it's NON-NEGOTIABLE. And I think it's a really slippery territory to not be completely upfront with those people about that. Because one of those instances can result in something absolutely devastating and traumatic for the entire family because it gets out of hand just ONE time. Anybody who's lived in that knows it.
100%. PsychologicalTerror. Been there. And they won’t leave because they are big man babies. So I had the balls to do it and then he can play the victim. Pathetic.
Those acts of anger are a threat....they're a reminder to everyone in the house that they could be next. Father died the week before. Not going to his funeral...I finally feel safe. He used his rage to terrify, hurt, and threaten those closest to him. His friends and some relatives think he's the kindest, most wonderful man....well they can enjoy his funeral without any of his kids because we're all too traumatized to go listen to how great he was. His anger was a choice....he gained from it while we all lost. If you can control you anger with others, you can control it at home.
Yes when my mother dies I'm not holding back from that narcissist. I'm letting everyone know, "Hey I've suffered for 60 years." Glad you all didn't!"
I agree. I think.they are all terrified of him. Especially the wife.
It's a control issue, they put fear so you comply
They ALWAYS make outsiders think they're wonderful so they believe ots the partners problem.
I PARENT HER , SAYS THE MAN CHILD WITH A 5 YEAR OLD EMOTIONAL MATURITY
I cannot imagine living with someone who breaks a chair in anger. Unbelievable.
I'm glad you have not. My ex punched a hole in the bathroom door in anger of where we were living. They proceeded to blame me for it. I had to fill the hole and patch and paint over it. ME.
@@chrissyellem7397Glad that’s an ex. You deserve better.
No matter how bad you imagine it to be I promise you it's worse. His wife and kids have a long road to healing
@@jessicabryant7541I bet that he is leaving a lot of actual physical abuse out of his story .
Calm people like us should be vigilant for it.
Once you see a person is argumentative frequently, put boundaries. They dont belong in your life.
These narcissists are angry people by default. Empty inside. Needs to fight or argue. Needs to tell people " my ideas are superior. I am right all the time"
High conflict personality. Low agreeability.
Controlling.
The caller tells he is controlling.
Bingo!
Your wife doesn't need things like flowers. She needs kindness and empathy. You both need this. Your family life sounds like living hell.
I can't imagine cleaning up a broken chair and then getting flowers later - ptsd for the kids
Right!! And if he has to set a reminder to do nice things for her he needs a heart check 😮
I hate flowers. Waste of money. Unless picked from garden.
@@arfriedman4577I don’t like them either or not in my house . Messy !
If Im the wife, the first anger tantrum I see, I will tell him to go to a therapist for anger management or our marriage is done.
Before you could love anyone, you need to love yourself and discover your own personality.
I will not be surprised if he has narcissism. They are angry people by default. High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Has anger management issues.
Controlling. Which the caller confirms.
They are not happy people and do not think about the future, nor consequences while smashing stuff and the wife and children sees him.
They are like 5 yr old kids in an adult body.
They love to create fights, drama and arguments. That is their oxygen for the day. A day without fights is boring to them.
Put them in an environment with calm, peaceful people, they will create fights and drama.
These people need overhaul in their hearts before they become better versions of themselves.
Low empathy on people.
The experience he described at the campfire was him undermining her attempts at wrangling the kids, but then losing it when she questioned his call on TV time. And he said she’s not consistent with the AM routine but admits to not being consistent with how he communicates with his wife. He’s justifying his decisions and actions, but won’t allow hers to challenge what he thinks should happen. This is totally about control with absolutely no compromise.
Exactly! He wants to be the friend and not the parent. He's a hypocrite about giving the kids sugar before and wondering why they can't go to sleep, and then blaming his wife for "throwing it in his face." Bro, he doesn't parent his kid, he expects HER TO DO EVERYTHING and then has the gall to say that HE IS PARENTING HIS WIFE, GTFO; he can't even parent his own children. And God forbid his slave, I mean his wife, oops.. take more time getting out of bed in the morning because she's the ONLY person that could ever take care of the kids, if only there was ANOTHER OF THE KIDS' PARENTS AROUND /s.
Bingo! He’s deliberately creating a dichotomy of disrespect and hierarchy with him and his wife. His word is Bible and her word only has value when he isn’t there. Pair that with his violent outbursts and you’ve got an unstable household.
If she’s sleeping through alarms, then he should change his gym time temporarily and help her with the kids. Maybe he could work out during his lunch time at work or get a home gym and factor his fatherly duties into his self care. He has to stop the tantrums and the power trips.
Wow, what an insightful comment! Thank you!! I needed to hear this.
AND why can’t he just get up and do the morning routine sometimes?!
He has more red flags than the United Nation and China combined
For a man that behaves like a 5 year old throwing tantrums - he is highly critical about all-the-things-his-wife-does-not-do-right
I was thinking the same thing along with that poor woman. I totally understand why she does not want to get up in the morning!
Very common in abusive situations. I lived it for 9 years. They are delusional to their own behavior. He thought he’d get the support and recognition, he was mistaken. Entitlement, lack of empathy and accountability.
@@Ms.Monte_CarloSSfor 9 years I did the same thing. I would pretend sleep so I didn’t have to have my morning ruined at 7am sharp by something being broken or thrown or being screamed in my face. I would have a panic attack within minutes of waking up. He also sleep deprived me and wouldn’t let me sleep at night if I went to bed before he did. I avoided him in the morning and stayed up until he was gone to bed to have a minute of peace. I barely slept in 9 years. Abuse like that is unfathomable.
@@Eph10cOh my goodness, it sickens me that he treated you that way!
He was wrong for throwing his own tantrum, but not for setting boundaries with the children. Sure, he let loose, and then he heaven forbid, set a boundary, and said the child could not watch TV, but he could read. I think she had a part in that too, at least in that instance.
Whenever I’m sad about being single this show reminds me of how blessed I am to have such peace on a daily basis
100% True
Could not agree more. I've seen so few marriages that I envied that it's never made me regret being single.
Until you're old and there's no one to take care of you. Marriage, like anything worth doing, isn't easy.
@@limitbreakplusultra7551Marriage and kids are not guarantees of being looked after in old age. Care homes are filled with people who have children who never visit.
Yes peace--haven't known that since 1994 lol
This poor woman is dead inside. Good job mega smash dude. 💪🏼
His wife is depressed and terrified. She can’t keep it up with the pressure and abuse. He sounds sadistic. I’m the smartest, my wife triggers me, I parent my wife, my family is nothing without me. Get the *** out! You ABUSE her! No one can function properly in those conditions when there’s a threat of things getting broken, meaning that it should be your wife and your children. You will never understand the fear you instill into your families heads. I do! Ask yourself If someone treated you like that every single day, how would you feel??? How would you function??? Would you not want to wake up to another day of a nightmare?! Your marriage is not “toxic”, you are ABUSIVE!!!!
Agreed!
Spot on!!
Sounds like my brother with his wife!
EXCELLENT assessment. You nailed it!
Good observation.
I was a child who grew up with a dad who yelled and smashed things. It has caused me to struggle with certain fears my whole life.
Please don’t do that to your wife and kids. You’re bigger, stronger, and scary. No one should have to live in fear like that, especially with someone who says they love you.
John is so good at finding whats at the bottom of the issue. Childhood trauma is ruining lives. I was an alcoholic too, with childhood trauma from domestic violence and other abuse. I remember being in my late teens rejecting men who were nice to me because I believed that a man who didn't hit me couldn't possibly love me. I suffered a mental breakdown in 2019, and that was a huge wake up call for me. I found a psychotherapist who was experienced in EMDR. 5 years later, I am healed, have cut off my dysfunctional family, I am studying medicine, have my own apartment, and I am sober by the grace of Jesus.
Very inspirational 🙏
Praise God I am so happy for you! Jesus heals and redeems!
Your story with the cutting off your family I totally get. When my father passed away my mother went apeshit with her toxic behavior. I cut her off completely for 7 years and it was the best thing I ever did. You sound like you are doing great and have accomplished many things. I am proud of you. I wish you the very best.
thank you@@audreealaniz62. He is still healing me ❤
Absolute Truth!!!
When a spouse sleeps through 3 alarms, it might be a good idea to ask them "would you like me to help our kid to get ready?"
Exactly
My thoughts exactly
But he likes doing what he wants and she needs more things to do because he is probably the bread winner. I always feel like I need to so more because he takes care of finances and I need to earn my keep.
@@amysmiles9751nah - I work from home and take care of my kids. Being a mom (or dad) is hard work of its own. He can get off his butt and help out. Being a mom is 24:7 work is 9:5 - he can pitch in. 😊
"I take full responsibility".... "She just knows how to push my buttons" wtf
Yep, and they quarrel about the TV being on, and before there is some tension about dog poop and too many sweets. Now the TV was childisch of her (even if it was on the weekend, bed time should not differ too much - also we do not know how old the kids are, but he talked about reading to them but also school). Most likely if he had asked her kindly and taken her in the arm she would have yielded. Especially if he REALLY offered to get the kids ready for bed.
Also the wife yelled at the kids, this is what got him in. So likely she was losing her patience and abused the TV as baby sitter (that can be solved by him being the babysitter). He does not need to switch off the TV - just picking up the kid and going to the bathroom and getting them ready for the night.
Another thing: they had a family night - and she starts yelling at the kids ? Short fuse (her too) or she was fuming, or there was already some tension before the family night had started. Only he did not notice, because for him things were O.K.
She was right with the dog poop (and maybe also with the sweets). Our old family doctor said: A bit of dirt is healthy - but I'll excluse dog poop from being a good stimulant to the immune system, that is not only gross, it can get a kid parasites and sometimes dangerous illnesses.
So he could have been supportive - be fooling around with the kids w/o rolling on the ground. how about a crazy dance.
I bet he has never done this at work. Men who do this almost only do it to their wives and children.
Yes, we all have buttons!,she keeps on pushing those buttons!!please stop being on women's side!!
Well you have money...to fix your problem!! Dr. Deloney!
@@franziskanishe could possibly be getting on the kids mostly because she has gotten used to trying to keep them from setting off her husband into one of his rages. My husband has a violent temper and I tried keeping the kids from giving him any reason to explode all over all of us.
Grown up temper tantrums are so embarrassing. I bet this guy won’t throw a tantrum like that in a public place; which would mean he CAN control himself.
My guess, too.
Exactly!
He never said he can control himself in public. We don't know that side of him cuz he didn't say. If wife triggers him, there's gotta be others out there that trigger him.
It is only a matter of time before he starts acting out in public against his wife and children and basically anyone who offends him. This guy is extremely toxic and he does not have the tools and maturity to work on his behavior through consistent therapy to avoid disastrous social situations.
@@thedognoseknows4451 if he hasn't already been in jail, he probably hasn't lost it in public yet. No one would let him treat his wife and kids like that.
Thanks for calling that guy out on his violent scary behaviour. I worked as an art therapist with kids. I feel for those children.
I used to say “He would never hit me”.. but violence isn’t always physical.. 10 years and now I’ve decided to disconnect to save myself and my children
Violence is literally only physical
Physical Violence
Physical violence occurs when someone uses a part of their body or an object to control a person’s actions.
Sexual Violence
Sexual violence occurs when a person is forced to unwillingly take part in sexual activity.
Emotional Violence
Emotional violence occurs when someone says or does something to make a person feel stupid or worthless.
Psychological Violence
Psychological violence
occurs when someone uses threats and causes fear in an individual to gain control.
Spiritual Violence
Spiritual (or religious) violence occurs when someone uses an individual’s spiritual beliefs to manipulate, dominate or control that person.
Cultural Violence
Cultural violence occurs when an individual is harmed as a result of practices that are part of her or his culture, religion or tradition.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse occurs when someone uses language, whether spoken or written, to cause harm to an individual.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse occurs when someone controls an individual’s financial resources without the person’s consent or misuses those resources.
Neglect
Neglect occurs when someone has the responsibility to provide care or assistance for an individual but does not.
@@randybobandy9828Violence is NOT only physical. Please see examples posted here. So many ways to be violent without being physical.
Violence Prevention Initiative (2014)
The first caller is actually disturbing me how he can sit here and admit that he has a control problem and can’t manage his own physicality, then he goes on to say he wants to work on his marriage and he loves his wife. How can someone be so unaware that they are the villain in their home? I would expect men who abuse and are violent at home would be like “yeah I’m the one in control and that’s how I like it and I don’t care that they are afraid”. But he legit doesn’t see how he’s the bad guy here.
I've asked my bf the same.
Never got an answer.
I send it to him, he listened to it and is now very, very quiet.
I hope it helped, otherwise I'm leaving him and I'll take the kids with me.
@AlexandraVioletta it will not work. He is quiet because he disagrees. Please leave. Protect your children. I left a year ago, and life is hard, but it is much more beautiful. And best of all, my baby and I are ALIVE. GET OUT PLEASE I am begging you!
If I could give this two thumbs up, I would.
You're responsible for your actions no matter how u feel
the wife needs to hear that just as much
Yes and amen. I also came from broken home. This gives me chills. Thanks dr delony for speaking truth.
That statement says more about you than any "females."@@dabd8175
You are also responsible for your own feelings or responses.
This guy was like my dad. And my mom was an enabler. Break things, beat us kids, yell at us. I cut both my parents off completely. And I’ll never look back. I don’t want them anywhere around my family, especially my children.
I’m sorry you had to do that. They should have never acted that way. I’m proud of you for protecting your peace. You were always enough.
Good you got out and have moved on.
My mom stayed and cared for him after we moved out. I could never understand how she didn’t care to protect us…
I also blamed my mom more than my dad. She knew better and could help herself, she let it happen, etc. I never thought of the term enabler and always felt so guilty for how I felt about my mom vs dad when it was my dad doing the actual abuse. But enabling. That's how it felt.
My dad changed, eventually, I'm sorry yours did not. Thankfully it showed me how to change when I found myself mirroring the same angry patterns.
+psk7565 - grandparents are usually much better behaved (they get milder. I have seen that in my family). If might be in the interest of your kids to no completely cut them off. They may not "deserve" the grace. But your kids do. And they might (likely will) experience the grandparents as relatively kind and pleasant (no, it is not fair. Maybe you cannot stomach to have any contact and maybe they are toxic. But this is sth else then needing to protect your children. It is very likely they would not be mistreated, on the contrary).
I grew up with an abusive dad taking out his anger on my mom and us. I grew up afraid of him and resented him… your kids are watching everything you do… when I became an adult I ended up in two relationships exactly like my dad was to my mom…
A direct result of having fighting, toxic and abusive parents is I grew up to date abusive men and my brother became an abuser…
I’m 19 and my little brother is 11 and we were in a similar situation. The thought that he could potentially be an abuser and me in an abusive relationship is terrifying. I am sorry things played out this way for you. Thank you for your comment.
…why do you fight over such petty things. When your wife disciplines her kids, let her. You can discuss your disagreement when the kids are not around. She’s being more strict around you because that’s how you are usually. Then you suddenly change the demeanor because it’s a “special” occasion. That kind of unpredictable behavior is VERY difficult to cope with. The core problem seems to be control issue, and he gets violent when he cannot take the control.
Yup, he’s an abuser. That poor woman needs to run.
@@dream0frosesand she isn't? Really? Y'all are just steps from the same situation.
WTF are you talking about? No, SHE'S not. And you're a few fries short of a happy meal.@@jedidiahross7447
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
It's "a normal situation" in our sosiety and that has to be adressed now, immediately!
One statement that sent shivers down my spine is “she knows how to push my buttons”. I know someone from childhood who used that phrase. Listen up people: You don’t have a Bad Button!! You have the ability to make choices.
And him wanting to undermine his wife while outside with his family was likely why he was being so “loose”. Then when she tries to follow his lead by turning the tv on, he turns on her again. Manipulative and vicious.
I love how Dr. Delony confronts people and calls out their BS.
I WAS ABOUT TO TYPE THE EXACT SAME WORDS!!
@@lb1798 lol! 😆
That man has completely terrorized his wife and children with his acts of aggression on objects etc.
And he wants her back because, without someone ro abuse, he's disregulated and angry. His supply for emotional energy has him upset. He will just get worse and worse
Sounds to me like she was the problem
Don’t assume she is pushing his buttons. I could very very carefully ask for the kitchen table to be cleared. (Very carefully because you never know what will set him off). Finally seeing how this is abusive and he is still making excuses. Seeing the years of his dismissing my feelings while he has a self-pity party.
Dude broke the chair over something so stupid as a parental argument over TV? That's insane.
He has a lot of rage inside and uses control to hold it in and keep in line. He needs credit for calling. He knows it isn't right, which is a big step.
First dude, why can’t you not get the kid ready after wifey slept thru three alarms? Do others a favor don’t get married again.
Yesss!!!! I was thinking the same thing... like just get the kid ready you have 30 mins.
This dude clearly doesn’t have her back, idk how she still didn’t divorce him. And his EGO is ill and massive, he needs YEARS of therapy
Why is she sleeping through three alarms? She clearly doesn’t care about her kids or husband. She sounds pathetic honestly.
@@ryanblanchard2508 you are bot, you aren't an actual human for saying that. or just an AH
Because he wants her to take care of it while he has time to himself 😤 No matter how hard it is on her or how early he was up first
Anyone that starts throwing things in anger becomes a threat eventually!
I'm in my 50s and i am still afraid of my dad. You dont want that for your children.
Sounds to me like he called in for you to validate that he’s right and it’s her fault for “triggering” him.
That poor girl who just realised she was in an abusive relationship or is not safe at home!. 😮John is so good at knowing how to get to the route of the problem... I hope she got out
Listening to this is sooo triggering for me that I had to stop. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years and it ended up leaving permanent scars due to being abusive in multiple ways ways. His thought process is … just the fact that he can justify this… it’s scary.
Absolutely agreed. Well done 🎉🎉🎉
When I tell my husband that that is not normal behavior, he downplays it a lot.
I like how straight foward youre being with this call. I think its right on that her worrying about the kids rolling around on the ground is because if that kid did roll in dog poop dad would have flown off the handle, if she would have said ok to another smore then you would have put a stop to it despite her.. i feel in my gut that this situation is way worse than he is letting on, ive heard him belittle her for his benefit 3 times in the first 10 min of this call.. i could be wrong i hope i am.. also, as a wife who has a husband who needs to step away sometimes and who learned thats ok and necessary sometimes... When you leave the house instead of throwing things dont do it in a mean way ... If you do it as a punishment of course thatll trigger her as well and scare the kids ..
The first caller sounds like he needs to have his way, his time and how he wants it !
NPD
Marriage is a marathon, and most people can’t even walk around the block.
Brilliant. 👌🏼
Great analogy. 💯
Facts
But when marriage is good, it’s GREAT. Some of us have great ones thank God.
I came from a childhood riddled with drugs and an unpredictable abusive parent. As an adult, I don't act like that at all. I flat out made a decision long ago, that part of my family tree ends with me. My spouse (and any future children) will never know what I experienced, because I will not bring that in to their lives. Therapy was a gift to me. It let me heal and tell my inner child that it is all going to be ok.
There should be more people like you out there! Good job!
Congratulations!!! I am so proud of you!! Thank you for caring about our future generations and yourself so deeply! I’m also so sorry that you experienced that. It should have never been that way.
THIS! And this is how I DECIDED my life would be. My kids and my spouse would never know the feelings I did growing up! This is PROOF that it is a decision!!!
@@briannecaswell6204 absolutely a choice!! We broke the system instead of falling victim to it. My brother is the opposite following the same pattern and his kids suffer for it.
@@victorialarowe4980 thank you! I agree that I never should've had to experience it. I chalk it up to be a tougher person than most and learn what NOT to be like.
I absolutely do not buy the ‘lost control’ argument when men scream and break things at home. I can guarantee they don’t behave like that at their workplace, or around their buddies or parents. It’s a choice. It is absolutely a choice.
Yep!
💯
anyone else hear the 'i want to have deep conversations' as one of his wants then he talks about getting into an argument and have that deep conversation he threatened divorce to get out of the conversation and stay at someone elses house. The woman is probably so afraid to talk with him and be vulnerable. He needs deep conversations with a therapist before he tries more having more damaging 'deep conversations'(aka probably wanting her to agree to do what he wants and not have an opinion) with his wife.
The first caller sounds super manipulative. Everything was all about him. He says he takes responsibility for his actions while simultaneously saying that his actions just happen. He's simultaneously the hero and the victim of his story.
You just described a narcissist...
She’s sleeping in because she is depressed and exhausted she is also afraid and it’s draining the energy on her body
He needs to stay away from them till he "gets it".
That first guy sounds like he needs a lot of intervention and help and I’m so glad John actually told him the truth about how he talks about his wife and family.
When I tell my kid get up off the grass like that, my husband says, "Hey you heard your mother get up" and when my husband says turn the television off I back him as well. Raising kids is hard, doing it alone is harder, doing it against your partner is nearly impossible.
Good job Dr Delony for calling out this controlling character. I grew up with one of my Mum's partners, who was controlling and violent. It was horrendous. I feel sorry for his wife and children. He does not sound loving, he does not sound caring, he does not sound kind.
I don't think I can ever be with someone who breaks things every time they get mad. The last time I dated someone who had anger issues and I RAN as soon as I saw a red flag. I'm NOT responsible fixing his issue.
Sister, I finally gave up alcohol after 30 years of heavy drinking. The one thing that helped me quit was realizing my drinking was different, even from my drinking friends. I was dealt this hand of cards and that is just the way it is. I simply wasn't going to be able to drink moderately. Putting down the bottle is not the hardest part, it's rebuilding your life, filling the giant hole that alcohol has left behind. Start this journey as soon as possible! My only regret is that I didn't do this 20 years ago. You will find so much joy and peace beyond this. Let me recommend two wonderful books that helped me - Laura McKowen, "We are the Luckiest" and Caroline Knapp, "Drinking, a Love Story". Much love to you. You can do this!
Good for you!!
It’s never ok to yell or break things
18:48 he probably needs to take a knee to his wife the same amount of times he’s thrown things and yelled. This is going to take years to come back to ground zero.
Telling his wife she needs to act a certain way to avoid "triggering" him is a red flag. In itself, that is abusive. "I only hurt you because you did this, so YOU need to be more _______ (obedient)--it is YOUR fault I choose to hurt you".
He clearly does not want to be in the relationship and does not want to take responsibility for that! Why don't these people save everyone's time and just do what does make them happy?! Life is too short to keep up this nonsense!
I hear a guy who is trying his hardest not to take responsibility for his actions
I'm single, nothing like a good toxic marriage story, thx Dr J.
Oh yes!!!! That makes me feel better too. lol
Not enough people in the comments praising the second caller for identifying her needs and asking for help. Many wait until it gets much worse. Through her past and present, so strong!!
You go out of your way to frighten your wife and then you ask her for a deep conversation? How do you expect her to open up when you’re constantly threatening her?
Narcissists have low empathy. They dont care with people's feelings.
High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Anger management issues. Not happy person. Throws emotional tantrums whether at home or in public.
That is how they are by default.
They want conversation but those conversations almost lead to arguments. Because arguments, fights is the daily oxygen narcs need.
Controlling. Blames people.
The caller had the controlling part, blames her, anger management issues. Bingo!
@@dianaverano7878I see you’ve met my Ex. 😐
@@bethmichaels8410 haha narcs have that typical traits. They thought they are special. They are not haha 😆
This describes my ex perfectly! He screamed, yelled and broke things yet demanded attention, closeness and validation. He told everyone that I was cold and distant. Since he was blaming me for reacting to his poor behaviour, I concluded this would never get better and we are no longer together.
Sophie is really scared. I remember those feelings. Horrible. I hope she leaves. These words got me out: "Leap and the net will appear."
It did. It was hard, but i was safe. I justhad to deal with the cPTSD.
Amazing how Dr John got to Sophie’s partner being a dragon from her calling about excessive working hours
You can not be selfish and have a healthy marriage.
If you think that your spouses job is to make you happy, take care of you and make your life easier, You will never be happy. But if your goal is to fulfill your spouse, make them happy, make their life better than you can find happiness
Sophie, I get it. At a very low point of my life, work was my safe place. You deserve better. ❤
Run as fast as you can and don’t look back!!!! Take care of your children!! He’s not going to change !!!!
Would not want to be married to this guy! He is a bully. Is she sleeps thru the alarm why don't you get your son ready!
...and there is a reason why she slept through. M a y b e .. s h e .. is .. t i r e d. 😲
@@shadeekamendez1743 because being married to him is exhausting
My father back in the 70's used to get up early and get my brother and I up and ready for school. He used to let my mom sleep in because he was at work during the day and knew we were exhausting when she had to deal with us.
My thot too!
Because he wants to do his thing and work out. His wants and needs come before his wife, especially his children. Gee, he has to work out every morning. What about doing it during his lunch hour or after he gets off work. He maybe using the work out bit in the morning to get out of the house to avoid responsibility to help with their children. To avoid being around his wife and children as they get on his nerves and are not cohesive with his protocol and standards . He never said anything about what he could do to help in the morning and help his wife general.
This dude is allergic to taking responsibility. Everything is, "And then this happened..." No, you are terrorizing you family. Of course she sleeps through her alarm; you make her life hell. Why would she want to come back to that?
yet he's the one that tries to talk with her about problems and she stonewalls. He's the one calling in to a show for help, and she's getting her kids late to school. He's showing up on time every day and providing for his family and coming home to pull his weight in the evening while she yells at kids and runs off... only to return to scold him for how he does it. He's the one who aims his rage at objects instead of people and leaves the house to remove himself when he knows he needs to. meanwhile she can't even perform basic adult functions unless he's writing her love notes with flowers? what grown woman needs that to love her kids enough to get them from A to B?
The only one demonstrating an aversion to responsibility is her.
@@scratch57 No. He is psychologically abusive and he is violent. His wife is exhausted, and probably depressed, because she keeps having to walk on eggshells and get the kids to stick to a very strict and inconsistent routine to prevent her husband from flying into a rage. He said clearly that when things don't go his way, he breaks things. She's a bad mom because she sleeps in at 7 AM? What about her husband who terrorizes the family when someone contradicts him?
@@aliteralgoblin 100% sidestepping, you didn't address any of my points.
she clearly isn't living in terror of him since she sleeps in all the time, failing her children in such a basic way. Would a woman verbally abuse her children then scold her husband for helping her as she asked if she feared his physicality?
your bias is blinding, as the shine from your white knight armor...
instead of assuming a woman can do no wrong when a man is close at hand to blame, how about recognize HE is the one calling the show seeking help. He is the one trying to fix things while she's undermining him, refusing his efforts to cooperate, and failing her household also.
@@scratch57 Yea, Dr. John provided him perfect advice, and especially how to manage situations when he gets angry and falls into an out of control rage episode. Different alternatives to save himself as well as his marriage, and especially his children to give them a better life. Dr. John in no way excused this guy's behavior.
@@scratch57 no, he's trying to sound like he wants to fix things. Yet every time he mentions taking responsibility he then points to her behavior as the problem and the trigger. He gives himself all the benefits of the doubt, but holds his wife to uncompromising yet variable rules that he makes up as he goes along. He makes her get up to get the child ready for school when he's already up and she's obviously exhausted.
He expects her to be vulnerable and share deeply with him when he's violently abusive. No one in their right mind would open up to a guy like that! He has NO clue how terrified his family is of him (or else, he actually DOES know, and gets kicks from it... not sure yet). But he's definitely trying to set a record of looking like Mr nice guy. I wonder if that means he's planning on upping the abuse and wants to be able to point to the show as a corroboration that he is the "good guy" and that it's all his wife's fault that he has to hospitalize or 💀 them... 🤔
My prayers are with you Kayla......our stories are very similar. I'm here to tell you that you can do this! You are worth sobriety and we can trust ourselves again. I picked up my five year coin in January and life is beautiful.
Discovered this show last week and I’m obsessed. I’m learning so much and my heart goes out to all of the families calling in for help ❤.
What I have to say to Kayla is. Yes, of course it’s hard to leave your kids 30 days but the alternative, they could lose you for their lifetime. 30 days could save them from a lifetime of hurt
This first story is heartbreaking. Another case of intergenerational trauma getting passed down from grandfather, to father, to son. Hopefully he was convinced to finally break the cycle...
I came here after listening to the podcast, Dr. John did an amazing job with the first caller, the more I listen the more concerned I became about his wife and family. Dr. John is excellent and I love 8:49 because he was direct and to the point. Wow !
1:03:23 my parents grew up in alcoholic homes, and made the decision young, not to go there in their lives. I am so thankful they made that choice for themselves. They were not perfect. Their decision made dramatic changes in the family tree and gave me the understanding of "choice "!
Ended with me breaking a chair? WHAT? 🤯 That is not okay! Omg, his poor wife and children!😭 That was my ENTIRE childhood along with sexual molestation and rape of course. But the violence, it hits me in a different way. Thankfully it was never combined with the sexual abuse, for me anyway. I am not sure that I could have survived that, at least not as myself. The violence just terrifies me in a different way, a type of terror that would result likely in further violence. God, that would be awful. I know it's a "choice" intellectually, it simply wouldn't feel like one in the moment. Even just imagining it, the tightness in my entire body is tangible. Goodness, I had no idea that I had this much more work to do.😓❤
Over some tension because she objected to rolling in poop (maybe) and too many sweets. Then she yelled at kids (WHY - they had a nice family night, didn't they ??) and he was not O.K. with the TV on at 10.30 pm. He was right on the merit BUT getting into an argumen over THAT and then BREAKING a chair. I wonder if the wife was O.K. with the camp fire and why he did not help her getting kids ready right away. (clean up: they can do it together later when kids are sleeping).
@@franziskaniI heard a woman who is doing everything possible to conform to his preferences while struggling to survive. The TV thing, well she explained it later with how she felt she was being forced into the "bad guy" role. Which is childish but in a way expected. Especially in a home constantly waiting for the next blowout. This is how I grew up, day in and day out, you never knew what to expect. Could be a nice day, but you never knew. The uncertainty makes everything difficult, you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you live this day in and day out you are on guard all the time, nothing is ever really "good", maybe for him, but not anyone else. Furthermore the times that you do let down your guard and enjoy yourself end up being a double edged sword when that faithful shoe falls. Sometimes you regret anything that ends in the same.
First caller, sounds like he is an adult child of alcoholics. It took courage for him to show up to this. What he needs is a reset. Anger counseling but a real out-patient program. Theres guys who have overcome this, who will hold him tightly accountable, and with loving support. He needs that kind of reparenting. Great call.
Pretty sure she told the kid to stop rolling and no more s'mores because that's what she thought he wanted. He's so erratic, she has no idea what to do when he swings that extremely.
The first guy needs to admit he just wants a divorce. He doesn't want to be a failure, but if he continues to put pressure into this situation he will become a family annihilator.
He doesn't want a divorce, he wants someone to control and abuse....thats how those types are
He doesnt want a divorce. Hes using that as another way to manipulate and get control. If she tried to leave i bet he eould physically abuse her and/or threaten her life.
"On Thursdays, I pick up flowers." hahaha How romantic.
But first he needed to put it as a reminder on his phone 🤦🏻♀️
Stop the violence!
Don't question each other's authority with the kids in front of the kids.
Sit down and decide on your values and how you're going to parent and get on the same page.
Kids need sleep! Parents need them to go to bed. Put the kids on a schedule.
My dad is an alcoholic and has been for my entire life. I'm 30 now and he is still an alcoholic.
I am so proud of Kayla for admitting she needs help I truly hope that she can overcome her anxiety and live a life that she is worthy of. Listening to her really touched my heart.
*I despise controlling actions* *I despise it*
Ugh me too, that first guy should stay away from all women and children
I lived through it most of my life. I got to where I would question my own decisions and my own judgement and my self worth. I made my life revolve around them because I didn't heal my trauma. Finally getting to a point where I don't have to be in fight mode automatically, but those kind of people do exist. For those who have survived for so long, I have a hope that you will find peace and calm inside yourself. Know that you are worth being well.
The woman with the alcohol problem brought tears to my eyes. I'll pray for you, Kayla from Detroit.
Truth all day this guy knows what he’s doing
oh dang. mom is highly reactive because she’s walking on eggshells trying to keep husband calm. the irony is that it’s triggering him, because he’s finally allowing himself to relax off the routine.
Unbelievable response Dr. Delony, this is a wonderful, courageous response to a guy who’s acting out his angry
this guys a timebomb constantly resetting
She knows how to push my buttons and she does it a lot. Coming from experience he sounds like someone made of buttons.
TY for that mental picture of my Ex as one big body of nothing but buttons. 😂 No one & nothing pleases a narcissistic abuser. They are the victim in every situation. 🙄 Good riddance to their drama!
He met someone else now all the sudden he sees the light.
This guy will not change. He is not taking no kind of responsibility for his actions
His wife needs to file for divorce
The man who threw stuff around reminds me of my husband. As his wife, I try to do things to not trigger him to the point where I'm beginning to feel exhausted at the end of each day. Even considering leaving because I feel like I'm in the wrong relationship
His behaviour is intended to terrorize you. Do you really want a lifetime of that?
Hes breaking stuff because he wants you to be afraid. Otherwise he would go hammer stuff in the garage. He is choosing to terrify you. He will choose to beat you when its convenient, and then choose to kill you.
And if its not his choice, if he really is "out of control"? Then he could beat you to death from the same lack of control.
Leave him. Cut all ties. Move and never let him know where. Dont hestitate, dont overthink, and dont go back no matter what.
When you expect a person to be superhuman you are asking them to be inhuman.
OMG WOW THAT WAS HEAVY!! WHAT AN INSIGHTFUL EPISODE 👏 !
Breaking things is a threat of things to come. It desensitizes the victims, so when physical assaults on their body begins, the victim is used to it. Being with an abuser is like the proverbial frog in water with the heat slowly getting raised.
I don't think this guy is going to be able to change. He sounds like his rage is a big part of him and you can't flip a switch and say I will now do the right thing and stop this. Not looking to be negative, but I've lived with this type of person and they just don't have the self control.
Not surprised if he has narcissism as part of personality. They are all like that. Angry people.
High conflict personality. Low agreeability. Lives and breathes daily for fights, argument and drama. Has anger management issues.
Not a happy person. Empty inside. Not thinking of the future when smash objects.
Low empathy. Does not care with what people think when he smashes things.
They are all like that. You dont smash objects unless you have so much rage inside.
He admitted he is controlling. Narcs are controlling. Bingo!
Oh my god. The last short story that Kelly read gave me chills. What a hero!!
My ex husband used to punch holes in the wall and break furniture. It was usually my things, like my desk chair. I am so glad I am divorced from him. Regret staying as long as I did.
I went through the same things in my marriage, including gaslighting. It took a family member to help me get out.
Thing with these destructive people is , the PUNISH their kids for the same behavior
The second caller did very well on asking for help that early. I wish her all the best. ❤
I’m 43 years old today my dad was just like that. I don’t have a relationship with him today neither my siblings and my mom left him. He’s old and alone today. He didn’t want change so the consequences of his actions came.
So proud of this girl! Please, I hope you seek treatment. It changed my life. I thought I could do it on my own with just meetings..no. I needed more.
Prayers to all the callers today- this was a very heavy show but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just so grateful for Dr. D and his way of empathizing, loving, and caring for all the callers. Love John so much, he’s truly changing so many lives! ❤
Thank goodness he called! Even though he didn’t know what was actually happening and going wrong, he knew it wasn’t going well enough to reach out. Very tactfully handled to get it explained to him that it is absolutely not going to change because of him!
the first man "needs connection" and doesn't want his wife to react a certain way? Why is he trying to dictate someone else's reactions when he can't control his own? And how can he expect anyone to trust him to be vulnerable with them when he has tantrums all the time?
I relate so much to the caller from England. I run from my loneliness by bleeding myself dry at work. I also foster cats. I hope that she's doing alright.