💕MAMA TRAUMA BONDING: NARCISSISTIC AND BORDERLINE MOMS
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- Опубликовано: 15 дек 2020
- A Mama Trauma Bond is a trauma bond created in childhood, but still being acted out in our adult relationships with our moms, in a cycle of toxic narcissism and/or borderline wounding or generally unhealthy parental behavior that has really never stopped since childhood.
In essence, we are still acting out the childhood wounds and trauma bond, with our mamas.
So many women and men who have experienced a range of challenging childhood relationships with parents, are still stuck in the original wound with a parent, and often don't even realize how unhealthy it truly is.
Why? Because it's always been this way. She's always been this way.
It's not "normal," but it's our normal.
This video explores what I am calling the "Mama Trauma Bond" and implores those who are still in it to understand how it keeps us living in our childhoods, and too upset or frustrated or fearful to change, because the pattern is so familiar, and then, what we must do to begin to heal and stop this cycle.
Just because she loves you and you love her, it doesn't mean you should have to ride the emotional rollercoaster of love and hate, every day or every week or month of your life.
💕💕You are worthy of boundaries, of love and healing and happiness.💕💕
Resources:
Understanding the Borderline Mother
Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughter's of Narcissistic Mothers
Toxic Parents: S. Forward
Emotionally Immature Parents
Stop Walking on Eggshells
I Hate You, Don't Leave Me
xo
💕💕More psychology and therapy related tools, info and resources coming in the New Year via my mailing list, please consider joining!
www.drkimsage.com
@drkimsage.com
This👆🏼video is awesome!!! My mom and I get along when I do what she wants. When I say no or set a boundary, we fight. Actually not really even fight- she just lashes out and verbally attacks me. At 42, I’m learning to break the cycle. I am raising daughters of my own and I do not want to repeat the cycle! I really try to have limited contact with her.
I tried setting a boundary with my mom a while back. Whenever I would tell her anything she would tell me what I HAD to do and “I don’t wanna hear anything about it if you don’t listen to my advice and things get worse” or something along those lines.I said “mom, I’m almost 30 I don’t talk to you to seek parenting, I’m an adult. I talk to you bc you are the only person who has been in my life for longer than 3 years.. (yay bpd and unstable relationships 😢) she got so upset “fine I’ll never give you advice again” and some additional narcissistic comment. The last 3 times I called her to share my life events/ catch up ended with me hanging up on her screaming at me. It’s been the longest 3 weeks of my life waiting for her to miss me enough to call. 28 years and every single fight I’ve had with her I have had to be the one to apologize. I’m so scared to have my own kids bc I don’t ever want them to feel the way that I do.
I am
40 and I understand you! Good luck to you!
I hear you. I’m 40 and have literally avoided having children (too afraid too and likely subconsciously sabotaged myself just to not have to deal with my mother to ruin yet s as mother stage of my life) which is sad because it has held me back in making next step decisions that truly mean something to me.
I feel for u in the same aspects.
Only way to break this daughter is to work on your relationship w your mother, whether she participates or not👉all too often, mothers can’t give you what they themselves never had👉that’s like expecting a special needs child to thrive as a non special needs child👉Healing only begins when having true compassion & sympathy for the mother & for the self son or daughter….and try as we may👉if we do not fix our wound w our mother👉9 out of 10 children will “Learn what they Live,” as in: How are they going to learn to have a relationship w you that they did not observe you to have w ur own???! You can still have a relationship w ur mom w healthy boundaries such as: Doing the right thing even though it’s the hardest thing, as the hardest thing & the right thing are often one in the same! An example of this is limiting ur time w ur mom that berates you though you ensure you take her to a necessary doctor appointment or making & taking food to ur mom when she’s unable to care for herself or sending a card & gift for the holidays though u don’t receive any! If ur mom had a bad childhood then, u must lower ur expectations of her by not expecting something she can never give u❤
Haven’t spoken to my mom since 2014… She became so toxic. I was always the scapegoat, always felt this hatred and almost jealousy from her even as a child… I always felt like the “adult” when I was w her even at 12 yrs old…it was so confusing. She was the same w my younger sister but not as severe. Complete opposite w my brother…go figure. It was always about her. My last straw was her going against me w my ex husband ( testified against me re my daughter, went and stayed w him for 6 weeks). It was devastating. I finally decided, sadly, no contact was the only way. It was too unhealthy. I don’t feel angry anymore just sort of sad and disappointed. I’m just seeing now in my 40’s how damaging this has been to my life. I feel “awake” now that I understand. Just need to work through this. I get it intellectually but the emotional part- wow I’m damaged. I recognize it and I’m going “through it”, it feels heavy, shameful, disgusting, just sad. I’ll do it though.. I’ve hurt others too, not understanding myself & my reactions; I want to make my mistakes right. Sending everyone dealing w this- all the best and so much strength 🙏🏻
I’m taking care of my nephew because my sister passed away when he was 1 year old, I used to overreact a lot and expect perfection from him when he did something wrong just found out that I have fearful- avoidant attachment, I love him so much and I didn’t know how impactful my words and action were, I felt so bad because of my behavior, I’m working on myself to the secure type… I am healing my relationship with him and with myself.
I will come back to this comment in one year…❤
I highly recommend: “How To Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids” ❤
Helped me heal so much.
My mum still thinks she "owns" me, Im 37 years old, and I do EVERYTHING for her. I drive her where she needs to go. Spend 30+ hours a week with her on average. Though I'm working on reducing it, but she notices and says she's lonely, or if it's been more than a day she goes "I've not seen you in days!". She is super supportive and helpful, but it's at the cost of my utter compliance to her demands. If I don't, or I upset her somehow I'm told I'm spoilt and selfish, and only out for myself.
She is also verbally abusive to my 13 year old autistic child. He's selective mute and sometimes when he does speak he's very fast and sometimes quiet, she's hard of hearing and gets angry with him due to what she THINKS she's heard him say.
Hopefully ur expectations of her aren’t too high?? Her hearing deficit explains her behavior w ur son & all relationships are transactional whether we want to admit it or not👉u say she’s supportive etc in one breath but not when u urself aren’t being supportive to her (for whatever reason)👉I recommend just enjoying the ride bc she won’t be here one day
@@kimlarso are you actually for real coming on a channel about parental narcissistic abuse and saying this?! No my expectations are not too high. I make allowances, I bend over backwards for everyone. And when I stand up for MY child who's being ripped into by his grandma, and politely tell her she misheard him, I do expect her to stop, say sorry and to realise she made a mistake. Not to have her rip into me, telling me that no she didn't mishear him and that either way I should side with HER, not him.
Keep your opinions to yourself if you know nothing about someone else's life and trauma.
35 years of abuse I have to attempt to heal from, and comments like yours are absolutely triggering to someone who's been gaslight for that long!
I’m sorry that person made that comment to you. Please know that not everyone can understand this. I can relate to your pain. My situation is very similar. I recently went non contact after 6 decades enmeshed in my mothers web. It took a lot of self growth to pull away. You’re not alone in your pain. Sending you love ❤️
RUN
@@kimlarso WRONG ADVICE - wow you are abusive too
Thank you for this. I still am not sure exactly what is going on with my mom but I know I spent the first part of my life being unhealthily obsessed with her and then ten years being angry and distraught before I ever knew anything about narcissism or BPD. It’s crazy that this primary relationship can be the first trauma bond and then set the stage for so many others.
I agree - what you shared is so true - it can be so very confusing, and I think many people would say they've experienced that range of feelings toward a parent who struggles this way. Thank you so much for sharing 💕🙏🏻
I'm 25 and I'm done with worrying about my mother and going along in her guilt trips and her blaming me etc., and now I feel su used and angry. I feel like an angry teenager. As if I never got to be one.
I'm so sorry. It's so true that we can feel robbed of our childhood with many parents - I am sending you so much support and healing.
Yes.. I have the same
Working in the hospital, I often had patient's daughters say, I'm terrible for thinking I'm happy my Mom is gone. I tell them that they aren't and tell them my story. Dr. Kim, this confirms it. Thanks.❤
This was incredibly difficult to listen to. I cried the entire time.. I still hear her voice on a loop of all the nasty things she has said and still does to me, but of course I want to call her now! Which always makes me feel worse.
My mom is 85 and I'm working hard to understand and practice a healthier response/engagement. Whatever is going on, she's never happy with familial relationships...even when things are relatively stable. I've come to the realization that she may pass away without us having resolution. It's life....nothing is perfect or ideal
This video is for all of you who feel and experience so many challenging and hurtful emotions and situations with and about your moms, many of which you can't say out loud or tell most people. I know these relationships are so freaking complicated - a very dear friend first inspired this video, and then, all of the beautiful women and men I work with who struggle..."💕💕💕💕
After being in a dysfunctional relationship like the one you described with my own mother, I developed a nasty pain syndrome at around age 50. After suffering for nearly a decade, I was finaly able to get better with psycho therapy, physical therapy, regular exercise and most of all - NO CONTACT.
Thank you for sharing...in many cases, there is no other alternative. So great that you chose yourself and prioritized your own healing. No contact comes with it's own issues, but often very freeing and healing for adult children🙏🏻💕
I am my mothers first born daughter. My mother has come from and upbringing of sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse. My mother self medicates with anxiety meds/ Never has dealt with pain. She been in mentally and physically abusive relationships where i saw her being abused and i rescued her throughout her lifetime. Yet my mother turns on me, very narcissistic behaviors. She very materialist, spends hours in mirror shows love with gifts, tells me she loves me, but cant really show it. but then always picks men abusive over her children. She manipulative, She lies, and its so hard to have a relationship. I genuinely feel what if i let her go it feels so painful but just as painful to keep her in my life. She doesnt accept boundaries and basically I feel like a utensil that she takes out when she needs something and puts me away when Im not helping her. Ive also been parentified at a young age. The role reversal is crazy. Non of her children speak to her accept me up until recently. She had her husband threaten me to never speak to her again or they will go to the police. Ive been thru this so much I know the cycle and she will eventually need me and blame him, and then blame me "if i didnt do.... it would have never gotten to this point." each time I accept her into my life this happens and my husband cant understand why I go back.This is so relatable I really need to start dealing with this. 41 years old.
I live and experience all these deep love, hate and hurtful moments with my mum, she's 86 and I'm 51 and she sucked up my whole life joy and still does. I'm the only child, only friend, only support to her, it's really devastating she doesn't make it easy to find a way to reach her heart. I have my son, my boy friend, my own life which need to be taken care of but she always want to put herself in the center of everything. So this channel is my only relief nowadays, and Dr. Sage is the only translator of these deep wounds, she is now closer to me more than any friend or acquaintance
Never have I had any interest in looking more deeply into “trauma bonding”, probably due to the fact that I avoid relationships like the plague. That was until I found another video by De.Sage referring to “mama trauma bonding”. The knot in my stomach spoke wonders honestly. Thank you so much for the work you’ve done, you have already done so much for my self self healing journey and I literally only found you this morning lol.
This is right on the money Dr. Sage. I have finally ended this ongoing trauma for myself but I am still working through the lifelong damage that has been done to my sense of self.
I'm so tired and exhausted from the constant drama and love hate cycles. Now that I'm an adult I suffer with moderate ME/CFS... I also tend to choose partners who are either avoidant or create similar love hate cycles (bipolar, npd, narcissistic)
I went no contact with my mother 6 months ago. The grief is very intense, but there's no drama now. She's 73 and doesn't speak to any other relatives or friends as they are 'all out to get her'. She was a slave to my grandparents which must have been deeply wounding, but I believe everyone has a choice in life. The love/hate dynamics with me became intolerable. She used me and lied to people using my name, literally thrown me under the bus, while constantly saying that I'm not on her side. As a child I was used as a messenger between her and whomever she happened to resent, while fed her own interpretation of other people's character (always bad, of course). It's been too much. I live abroad with my own family, which helps with keeping physical distance, but suffer enormously with thoughts such as 'What if something happens to her and she's on her own' 'I'm a bad person to leave my mum' 'What if she dies?' These thoughts are relentless.
I have similar thoughts and meditation helped me with that beyond belief. They appear less and less. I'd recommend Joe Dispenza meditation technic. It's pretty powerful
Best of luck in your healing ❤
Bes
Great video. Here’s what I’ve found. A lot of people who are diagnosed as “BPD” are actually dealing with CPTSD - often, it’s a result of long term narcissistic abuse. And also, potentially, abuse from a more borderline style parent. I should know. I am the child of a malignant narcissist father and a mother more Borderline/CPTSD + alcoholic, completely unavailable. For a while, I labeled myself “borderline”… Then I learned that I was actually being abused by both parents, one a toxic narc and the other, a woman just in complete survival mode (married to an abusive toxic narc). And you’re right, whether it’s a malignant narc or borderline style/CPTSD person, they became that way due to their own pain and trauma. So it’s a repeating cycle that we eventually have to heal and deal with. Really great points, and empathy, thank you for sharing your videos.
Substance abuse also resembles/mimics narcissism & other Cluster B disorders
Not sure if you'll see this but thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I never knew what issues my mother and I had but I always knew something was wrong growing up. I was her caretaker, doing everything I could to make sure she was happy and stable; desperately trying to avoid those low-lows that you refer to. Doing everything in my power to have the mother that idealised me, that was loving and kind. When I told people/therapists about the bad times they never understood why I stuck by her/ continued trying to help her. It was hard to express that it wasn't bad all the time, that sometimes it was amazing and I had the perfect mother. That I lived for those good moments. It's only now I am starting to breakaway after years and years of enmeshment. After researching my Mum's symptoms I chanced upon resources about bpd mothers and I cried in relief when I realised I'm not alone. It's going to be a long journey and me leaving has triggered her suicidal tendencies, but I cannot carry the guilt and the pain forever. Thank you. You're helping so many people with these videos, you have helped me. 💕
Thank you so much! Nothing has described what I'm going through as well as you did in this video. Everything fits to a T. I recently decided to leave my mom due to the behaviors you described. It's been hard, but my boyfriend and his family have been so supportive, I'm so grateful for them. I'm scared to let myself miss her. It's probably been about a month since I've seen her. Regardless, I can't remember a time that my life was ever this peaceful.
Thank you for this ! Definitely agree and I’m so glad there’s another therapist on this app trying to remind people to stop overly victimizing the narcissistic mother to the point the abused kids feel less than.
Thank you for this video, I’m in this situation with an elderly depressed mother who has no other close relative but me. I’m the only child. I live with so much guilt and heavyness in my heart every day.
I am also the only child of an elderly mom who is narcissistic and a SEVERE hoarder. Best of luck to you. It's very hard being an only child. None of her other relatives talk to her at all.
❤️❤️❤️ I've come back to say I DID IT. I stood up for myself!! It's only been 4 days. I'm scared and full of guilt but I've not stopped smiling from speaking my truth!!!
I don't know yet if I will go No contact or low contact. But I'm going to take my time.
She said I'm not scared of her, that my SH was because I couldn't get my own way (she's never seen the marks /knew when it happened) and my ED was because I need to control everything and everyone 😔
19 days today and I've still not backed down.
How is it?
@@e67e_98 I'm now 13 months into my freedom. Best decision I ever made. Thank you for asking ❤️
Thank you for sharing this content
Dr Sage. You are so caring and kind.
I wanted to cry because the pain was real. It's true what you have said about the destabilizing effect on children of Narcissistic birth mothers.
I too experienced an undiagnosed
Covert Narcissistic mother. She tormented me with violence for the first 19 years under her roof.
That atmosphere was extremely toxic and psychologically castrating. She had high Narcissistic and Borderline traits plus was a substance abuser. Everyone in the neighborhood was fooled by her beauty. They didn't know the model they were enamored with was a Rageful Unstable violent Sociopath. Somehow I made it out alive, but not without psychological wounds.
There are other ways to raise your unloved unwanted children people. Geese. Smh
Yes- it's too much...I am so sorry for what you had to experience....
Dr. Sage. Will you please do a video on establishing the “no contact” boundary of cutting a BPD mom out of your life when you’ve run out of options? I’m struggling with guilt and oscillating between anger at her and doubting myself. It’s hard wired in my brain , as you talked about in your shame video, and I feel like it’s the only way . But it’s so much harder than it sounds.
Yes - I am working on a much larger project around this issue because going no contact is hard. but can also be life changing and freeing in many cases. I will try to make a shorter one if I can't get the other one out sooner! It is hard wired, but you deserve peace and well being💕🙏🏻
I recently did this, it's so hard but peaceful at the same time. It's a constant battle of feeling like the attacker and like you're doing something wrong.
It's complicated but she had extended her valuing/devaluing behavior to my boyfriend and his family. It's easier when other people experience it first hand because then you know you didn't turn them against her. They've really been a huge support as well as my counselor.
I know you didn't ask, but since I have just recently gone through this I thought sharing my experience may be beneficial. I'd say support is hugely important when leaving a bpd mom. It helps when someone can remind you that leaving her doesn't make you a bad person. I think I spent two weeks ping-ponging between feeling like a horrible person and being furious with her, a month in sometimes I still do. The guilt will get you but if you can stay strong through the backlash and guilt eventually you start thinking about your freedom and all the possibilities that are now open to you in life. Something supremely beneficial in staying strong is that I went to stay at my boyfriends house and I just never came back. I restricted all her contact with me to text. Its still hurtful but it provides some emotional distance and allows you to construct calmer responses if any at all. Each day that passes you become more aware of how wrong her behavior is and the difference between your calm responses and her dysregulated texts really helps illustrate that you aren't in the wrong, it's simple self-preservation.
If your mom is anything like mine her attacks will be vicious but you'll also start realizing some of the things she says doesn't really make sense, or will be more or less having a conversation with herself rather than you. For example, mine decided she knew what I was angry about and it wasn't what I had been saying. No matter how many times I corrected her, everything she said was based on her constructed narrative.
After 3 or 4 days of venomous dysregulated texts I told her I didn't want to speak to her. I didn't hear from her for a few weeks until she emailed me about logistical things and she's been being super nice. I'm taking this opportunity to tell her that I'm having movers come and get my things. Since she's in a state of trying to win me back, I'm utilizing it to get the final separation pieces worked out, hopefully without problems. She has herself convinced we're just taking a break from each other but I'm not sure I ever want to see her again.
Lately I've been studying everything I can get my hands on about trauma bonding, parental emotional abuse, and living with a bpd parent. This helps me see that it's understandable that I left and that her behavior was highly destructive. There comes a lot of realizations and epiphanies once you're out, about her, your upbringing, and yourself. I realized that she would fill my head with lies about my boyfriend and rev me up and then the next time I'd see him I'd go off on him. In this way I was emotionally abusive to my boyfriend, ironically, my way out of the situation. I've made amends and he doesn't blame me but he has trauma reactions to certain behaviors I do now. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the damage I did to him but I'm grateful he's stuck by me.
Regardless, being out brings so much healing, change, and peace. When you get out it will happen for you too and you won't want to go back.
@@mariahlilienthal5359thank you for sharing your experience. I plan on doing this as soon as I finally get my oldest son back from her. Then my entire family needs to get cut off.
thank you for talking about this on a platform accessible around the world for free. Love from Pakistan
This is so helpful, thank you so much for this video. I have been completely enmeshed in a trauma-bond with my own mother, wherein at 27 I am pretty much isolated even from my own life experiences because I keep falling into the trap of it. Perspectives like these are so beyond helpful in qualifying my feelings and struggles and knowledge on these types of experiences.
My mother is not formally diagnosed as BPD or NPD but I believe she is both. I have 2 girls in their 20s one is classic BPD and 1 is quiet BPD. I believe I am neither but have traits. I would love to have you interview me. Maybe us as a whole. I thought I must have to have a diagnosis but I tried so hard to be the opposite of my mother. After my kids diagnosis I realized my childhood with my mom. Thank you for these videos that validate my experience and help me to heal.
I’m currently living this, and it’s increasingly painful. I’ve had problems with dissociating. I feel like I have a great parent, with many aptitudes but are a helicopter parent, bpd with mild narcissism
Amazing we have an online circle of women, we all have narc parents mainly our mothers . And we support each other xxx thank you xxx
I am the one who got healthy. I learned that she is not capable of loving me consistently on a healthy way. I learned to set appropriate boundaries, groeve the loss and trauma, forgive her. Not to drink from the poisoned well. Be grateful for the good times, show up authentic, vut realize that an expectation of a mitually heathy, nutually lo ing relationsgip with her is not possible as she currently is. Realistic expectations. I show up as a good daughter while having intact boundaries with zero expectations. When she us appropriate , I enjoy that exoerience, and when she becomes toxic, I set firm boundaries. I appreciate the good things I learned from her, but know to expect notging. There are winderful women in the world. I am so grateful and blessed for those real, healthy relationships. Above all, God is my healer
Thank you, Dr. Sage, & everyone who has shared their story. ❤
yes, thank you🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕so many people are walking around with these wounds and stories, you are not alone.
Thank you so much for this.
I thought it was me,been to so many therapist and that brought me nothing. So gradeful that i came across your tiktok and saw this video. Now its time for healing. 100 times thank you❤️
Thank you, you are one of very few sources of validation for me
Such a fantastic video, the best I’ve seen on this subject, thank you
Your videos are a turning point for me, thank you so much ❤
Your videos are so helpful, thank you for all you do! ❤
Ok you really got me when you said gambling. I’ve been gambling a lot especially since my mom passed away last august. She was an alcoholic / I did so much work over the years to heal my trauma as a child. I became a mom myself and feel I’m a great mom. I’m lost now, I cared for my sick son my mom and finally have piece and all I want to do is be at the casino☹️ I guess I’m looking for those very highs and lows? Thank you for that analogy.
Thank you for explaining this so well.... ❤
I'm 40yo and still live in the parents house, never moved away (yet). Whenever I want to leave the house, I feel forced to go downstairs to my mom and say "I'm going outside, bye!" - and I'm ALWAYS held from going straight out of the house, I have to talk with her 5 minutes of small talk, and say at least 5 times I want to go outside now. Is that already narcissist and abusive behavior of her? I'm sick and tired of this ritual. But I would feel guilty if I just said I'm leaving house and slam the door and go outside. Or even "worse" - just leaving the house without saying bye at all! (like my mom does! She never tells me when she leaves the house... but I feel somehow forced to do it, like I am still a small kid). What can I do? Thanks a lot for your reply!
I'm pretty sure my mom is borderline, or bipolar. She made my Dad, brother, and I so miserable most of the time. The house was always centered around her feelings. Always scared to be too loud, and if you were you'd hear an angry shout of, "are you deaf?!?" To put the cherry on top, my dad used me like his therapist for venting, sometimes/most of the time calling my mom awful names behind her back. All the while, he openly denied mental health problems exist. Anytime I'd confront her, my brother and dad would make it seem like I'm the one causing problems. Behind her back, though, we'd all agree that there was something wrong with the way she was, and the how the house was not a comforting place. I'm 29 and trying to find the will to start therapy.
Thank you Dr. Sage, thank you for your video. This 100% relates to my story. Do you mind doing a video on how to set boundaries? I would love to hear your thoughts. Thank you
Yes! I made 2 on boundaries -but never posted the 3rd video on implementing them -and you are not the first person to ask and remind me::). lol I promise I am working on it soon! Thank you so much for sharing! Please feel free to always ask for videos you think will be helpful. 💕🙏🏻
Thank you for what you do and who you are
thank you so much - so very kind of you🙏🏻💕🙏🏻
My mom passed away 4 years ago. Honestly, I didn't realize she was a narcisist. Till afterwards, my kids would see me cry after talking to her on the phone. I was worthless my husband was a bum. I wasted my life. The irony is my kids turned out to be Her favorite, she was shocked that I raised such good kids. But her passing, i've been trying to find forgiveness . After my husband died I have attracted narcissistic men trauma bonds because of her and now I have to figure things out.
Yikesssssssss this is exactly how I be feeling about my mom
Im figuring things out. It's good to recognize this, but I'm not sure if I want to let my anger go at her. I do know whenever we had an argument and she tried to reconsole, I always felt left angry and hurt still. I feel the distance between her and me. Haven't been able to talk about my emotions with my parents after child trauma. I really felt depressed and angry every day. Maybe those feelings trigger my moms not being worthy feelings. it's good to work on this subject, thank you. Never knew it was an addiction for me
Thank you ma'am
Omg. It’s so funny you say that cause just the day before yesterday was the first time I actually thought to myself well if my mom would die I’d feel a weight off my soul, and I felt so evil for thinking that
My therapist told me today that I am trauma bonded with my mom who was an attic for the first 20 years of my life and I went through a book of trauma that I’m not even finished unpacking and I’m not getting into that but I am trauma, bonded, and Ido believe my mom is a narcissist, but the therapist says she’s not sure if she’s a narcissist, but she is sure that she does have narcissistic traits and I don’t know what that means
Yes, yes, yes, I so resonate. Thank you for this video. How do we deal with her i.e move away without feeling guilty or feeling if she dies and I never see her again. I had this situation and I am now contempleting cancelling my flight for Christmas but I have this terrible fear what if ...this is her last Christmas. I came a long way but still get affected. I understand all you talk about..Thank you for this validating video
Before they kicked me out at 18 (I had a Narc mom and Borderline father figure) I was starting to worry he was either going to poison me or I would end up poisoning him. But now he’s gone and sometimes lives thru me. I have certain behaviors I even call it meeting my dad. He died awhile ago now. I was just extremely relieved.
Hi I don't know what is wrong with my mom but something. Interesting part is she knew her bf was s*xuly abusing me didn't do anything, I left at between 14 and 15 but iv never been angry towards her iv pretended my whole life and always done everything to protect her minus all the times I tried to end my life starting at 14 but I almost didn't make it and my mom never visited me or called me or asked anything ever and I was held against my will from 12 years old 7 times in psychwards. When I was 12 dad visit me once and I was there 6 weeks that time besides that no one ever cared ever and yet I wouldn't do or say anything to hurt her . There's so much but trying to make it short lol But I do inner child work IFS and now I need to protect the little girl me now . I finally after all these years sent mom a message saying what she did the stuff that hurt so much ... That I have cptsd and what that looks like, means for me , that I need to take a break to heal little me .
Her response that's isn't true 💔 then I said are you kidding me right now I say all that and that's what you have to say sorry you stuck up for him to the lawyers and lied not in court I got a detail wrong .
Her response I FD up what you want me to do about it. But I know from past she always doesn't remember anything everything she's done that was abuse and letting it happen she doesn't remember. Oml sure that's convenient isn't it . Sorry it's long I really tried not saying much and sharing some lol . But yes it's a battle I talk to my parts everyday several really to comfort.. I'm able to do this because I love children.
Thank you so much for your videos you probably won't see it but I feel comforted by your voice and care and wisdom. Bless you
Thank you sooo much! I am done, I am leaving this cult
Its horrorble, because they wound you deeply and than they are very nice again which keeps the cycle going . I wish she would be only horrorble it would be way easier
I do also have cptsd…
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Could you do a video on only children with narcissist/borderline parents? Thanks for the videos!
Help please! That's all i can say. Help please.
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I’ve watched a number of your videos and I have really enjoyed your clinical perspective and your general approach. My only critique for this video is the (seeming) over-emphasis of the sex/gender directionality. As a clinician myself (in another field of healthcare), I can appreciate that certain demographics experience different risk factors. However, it is my opinion that this should be a mention and not the focus. There are a number of elements of this discussion, in fact, that I can identify with as a cis-gendered, gay man. While I can appreciate your explanation at the beginning of the video, I believe the more powerful message focuses on content over gender.
This is only my opinion as random “viewer” on RUclips, but I hope you recognize and consider it as means to expand the audience you reach. Keep up the excellent work!
Dr Sage is there a way to work with you?
yes - if you live in CA and are willing to go on my waitlist:)
please email me at @drsagehelp@gmail.com - otherwise recommend trauma informed therapists, EMDR, those trained in personality disorders especially...
@@DrKimSage Thanks Dr Sage 😊 I'm in FL and doing EMDR treatment now. Will absolutely buy your course if you create one 💜
You have some valuable things to say. But you need to research more deeply.
There are MRI studies showing that narcissists have deficient cortex in the empathy area of their brains. So it is not accurate to say that they got that way because of their mothers or whoever abusing them.
I have seen, for example, a really pronounced narcissist who was raised by two loving and doting parents. This person had the same characteristics, narcissistic characteristics, of relatives with whom there had been little to no contact.
Now some research seems to indicate the covert narcissism may be the result of childhood abuse. But a lot more study needs to be done in this area.
It doesn’t help to go around blaming the parents for something that is genetic. In a sense you are abusing them too. There are studies showing that the disorder is hereditary.
Such people need our compassion, though at a nice safe distance.
Lost quite a lot of faith and respect for your interpretation.