As the adult daughter of a borderline mother this is the best Mother's Day gift I could have asked for. I am touched and validated beyond belief. Thank you so much! 💚
My mother is a SUPER narcissistic person. She has no respect to boundaries and takes advantage of me. She has this hole she tries to fill with random men and is hurt when her superficial relationships don’t work out. She invades the comfort of family gatherings by inviting random men and forces us to have a relationship w them, when we know it’s a waste of time to. And when we ask her to not invite them, it’s always a big fit and it’s always the other person over her family. I used to waste a lot of time trying to help her understand how she’s wrong and what she can do to be better or even maintain better relationships but it was such a waste of time. Unfortunately I have distanced my self entirely and only say hi and bye bc that’s all I can handle with her. We recently fought about the same thing and it just reminded me how she’ll never change. I used to Yell back and feed her ego but I just stay calm and always emphasize that she’s being extra by yelling and I just repeat that once or 2x and she leaves. I prefer that then me saying stuff and bringing up more trauma that she doesn’t care about anyways. Silence truly is the killer of a narcissist who is trying to gain power over you. Good luck to everyone out there. I really wanted a relationship with my mother and it hurts that I will probably never have the full “love” or relationship that I wish I did/could have with her. Her true colors are just so ugly. I hope that one day I’ll be able to see a caring and consistently empathetic person in her. Until then it’s all self comfort and control from my side. 😔
You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today. Everywhere - social media or private contacts - people are like, ''I love my mother, she's the best''... on days like these it hurts so much more knowing that my mother never was and might never be what I need or deserve. I'm grateful for therapy and my amazing therapist that models a secure relationship and shows me what validation means. And also thank you so so much 💕 you really made me feel seen and understood today.
You are truly welcome - this is exactly why I wanted to share this video today - I know it's so hurtful to be flooded online with what we longed for -but never received. Please know you are worthy of validation and please take very good care today:)
Thank you for validating my experience. I ghosted her because I just didn't have the bandwidth to fake it anymore. I'm lucky that I have friends who understand and show me the love I never got from her.
You do deserve to be validated, and I am so sorry for what you've endured....so good you are protecting yourself- and that you have love in your life through your friends:). Thank you for sharing.
I went through this too. I binge watched every youtube video I could find on Narcissism - for weeks- months really and they truly helped. You have the right to have boundaries to protect yourself. Take care.
Thank you so much for this video. This is my first Mother's Day going no contact and I've been an emotional wreck all week. It's so nice to have this support on this day.
I hated her. I always have. She never laid a hand on me, but she was such a source of pain in my life. Watching her treat my father like a slave and killing our souls filled me with rage. I gave up hope probably when I was 4 years old. I never remember having a real mother. Tomorrow marks 1 month that she hasn’t texted or associated with me. I’m 21 and moved out. It’s been the greatest month of my life, but I’m plagued with guilt because “why don’t you try and work things out” is playing in my mind. But I don’t want to. I’ve never wanted to. She brings me nothing but pain and anger.
Yeah. Watching my father be belittled, humiliated, rejected and just take it my entire childhood is so embarrassing that I would not even have been able to type this 10 years ago.
Happy Mother’s Day Dr Sage. Because of your videos, I set boundaries with my mom and she said it was a “wake up call” and she began to change. She hasn’t been displaying BPD behaviors in several months now.
Thank you so much for sharing - that is wonderful! Truly, it can be so great when shifts are made, and boundaries are set. Great for you that you asked for what you needed and deserved - and great that she is responding!:).
Today Mother’s Day My mother had a tantrum crying fit and refused to take any of her presents home. She said everyone was treating her badly. We were having a great time playing games, eating food and it was time for her to open presents. She does this every single holiday when is nearing Time to go. She has a tantrum screaming raging fit over the tiniest thing. So I have been crying all day even though this has been happening hundreds of times. I am just tired of it. I think she’s a borderline. For years I have been so confused and after every holiday she doesn’t speak to us for at least a week and it’s pretty traumatizing. It doesn’t matter if we walk on egg shells. Or if we say something back. She has a tantrum and says we are the worst people on earth. Even though nothing bad happened and we were having a pleasant time. She always ruins it. I don’t know what to say to her about it or what to do but I’m tired of every holiday being ruined. And getting the blame and her not being able to take any ownership of her behavior. This time I told her to name one thing that someone had done to her that was negative. She couldn’t tell me anything. Just kept sobbing and accusing us of treating her so badly even though we spent the entire day and week really preparing to give her a happy and wonderful day. Of course the next day she’s can be apologetic and feels shame. Even though she may not say the words I’m sorry. The problem is damage is already done.
Oh, I am just so sorry. I hear how helpless and hurtful it feels (at least to me) that this cycle continues - it's so painful for everyone. I would truly recommend the books "Surviving A Borderline Parent" "Walking on Eggshells"-- at a minimum- if you don't have them already. It's really hard to get out of this cycle without support and/or a plan. Please just know you are worthy of peace and well being, as much as we love them, protecting ourselves is the only real thing we can control. Sending you support!!:)
Same here. Ruins every holiday. Once she threw a ham across the room and told me to “ shove the gift (I gave her) up my f’ing a$$.” This, after criticizing all the gifts that I received from friends, and criticizing my 10-year-old son for just about everything.
Every Mother's Day I've been bewildered at the adult women praising their mothers, not because I doubt their experiences, but rather because I wonder what it would be like to have those experiences. I have noticed the stigma of complaining about your mother, therefore have never really felt like there's anyone who understands. When I told a friend how my mother would rant and rave about how she was just wanting to leave our family for months at a time on a vacation, how she was a college graduate, an aristocrat , etc., my friend responded that she just felt badly for my mother. So thanks for a validating, great video! Thanks for a great video!
Thank you so much for sharing this - you are so right. I have seen it here on RUclips when other creators talk about no contact with mothers especially - they have been attacked. If you don't have a truly painful relationship like this - you just don't understand. No one should be allowed to continue hurting us - no matter who they are. You are not alone and I am so glad you're here. Sending so much healing and support your way:)
When I left my dysfunctional, toxic narcissistic family 6 months ago I found my mother's day card yet to be opened. I'm glad to be focusing on me so will treat myself to a sons day tomorrow. Such a beautiful lady, thanks for your guidance. Stay strong people. Love from South London ❤
My therapist thinks I have borderline and I also fit all the 9 criteria. For the longest time, I thought I was so fucked up bc of the name of this disorder. But after discovering your channel and doing inner work every day, I don't really feel borderline most of the time...I support myself, validate my own feelings and be my own best friend. Then I realized my mom fit the borderline/nac symptoms. I've had so many ppl telling me I should understand and forgive my mother, which I always tell them NO. I deserve to feel angry. Believe me, I've had times when all I felt about her was pity and empathy, and it helped me nothing in terms of taking care of my own feelings. Just bc my dad was an asshole does not make her a GOOD parent. Not at all. Thank you for telling us what it's not okay and what our human rights are. I know I deserve to be angry, and from now on I'll protect the child self.
Thank you for this 💛. Every holiday is terrible with my mother but Mother’s Day is the queen of all bad holidays! I finally don’t feel as guilty just giving her a phone call and hanging up when it’s too much. I no longer can be easily guilted into being abused - being across the country makes it easier to set those boundaries. Sometimes physical distance makes all the difference!
Thank you for sharing this! You are so right, boundaries make such a difference, and physical ones too can truly provide an additional layer of protection! I so understand the heavy nature of Mother's Day, but I love that you are not feeling guilty for your self loving protection and releasing of guilt! Sending support for continued strength and healing!:)
Thank you for this. Super painful holiday.. I would like to skip it but after being screamed at as a kid for not making my mom’s Mother’s Day nicer I feel programmed to acknowledge it no matter how angry I feel. This message was exactly what I needed. I am saving this for future.
Thank you so much for all your videos about borderline personality disorder. I've struggled for many years to understand what was wrong with my mother. My deep dive into narcissism, although it was very helpful, did not quite seem to explain her because my mom can be intermittently loving and affirming and also very cold and contemptuous. She was incredibly emotionally unstable, abusive (physically and verbally) when I was growing up, but she could also be loving at times. The information you have provided about BPD seems to fit her like a glove. I made the decision to emigrate a couple of years ago, in part to be away from my family, and I've worked hard to understand what happened to me and to put in proper boundaries. But the relationship is still painful and difficult at times. She and my brother recently came over to visit me for a week and a half. I was the best host that I could be but it wasn't good enough for her and so the visit started out well but turned cold and contemptuous on her part, and she hasn't spoken to me since she left, which was well over a month ago. I didn't think I could still be hurt like this as an adult, but it was a lesson for me. I'm grateful that living in a different country gives me an excuse to be more detached when it comes to things like Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas, etc. which have been triggering times for me in the past. I can often get away with just sending a text, which is so much easier. I nearly made the decision to go no-contact at one point in the past, but remaining detached and distant and having a more superficial relationship where we just speak once in a while seems to be right for me. It's difficult though when they pull you in. I won't ever have her to stay in my house again, not for more than a day or two anyway!
Your video just hit home for me. When you started to talk about them threatened to take away your babysitting etc. I have gotten that that point you talked about. And there's a calm in the knowing that little by little, I can make it work without my mom's help with my own children. Baby steps but I'll get there. Thank you 🙏
Yes- you will get there! Thank you so much for sharing - I know it's so hard, but it's so worth it if you can get to a point where the only thing you need from them, if you choose it, is a relationship. So proud of you - keep going- your peace and well being are worth it!:)
I broke down crying while hearing this. Everything you listed, both of my parents have done but I've seen as normal. It helps explain why I'm so afraid to get too close to anyone. Idk what to do
My mom isn’t always that bad, she’s definitely had her terrible moments but I still like to show her some appreciation on Mother’s Day. She has cancer. She’s horrible with gifts though, if she doesn’t like it you can tell and she used to occasionally throw tantrums over gifts. Now she just asks for specific things, probably to prevent her disappointment, which feels forced. She’s asked me for a tattoo (which personally I think is too expensive of a gift for Mother’s Day, it’s like $200 I’m not rich by any means I’m 26 😅) has had my brother get her concert tickets as a present, on top of us taking her out for dinner. This year she sent me a specific ring she wanted, it’s not an expensive ring actually but Mother’s Day is a month away and her already asking and planning to get gifts given to her rubs me the wrong way. It’s like she is a kid and is anticipating receiving gifts for her “special day”.
Thank you so much for your videos!❤ It's just that kind of help that is needed!🙏 My first mother's day is a status of no contact with my bpd mom. Hope that the right moment will come and you'll be able to share with us your own story.
Do you think you could make a video about healthy attachments and how to be a healthy parents or have healthy relationships? I come from a broken hole with severely unhealthy relationship with my parents and I often struggle to know what to do. I google a lot of what I don’t know because I don’t have that mom who I can go to and ask. Would appreciate it so much!
Yes! I am going to start making more videos on healthy attachment, healing attachment in ourselves, relationships, parenting, etc so will definitely do that --and have already started working (a little:) on it all! Thank you so much for sharing - I so understand the struggle, and even the fact that you are trying and aware is so amazing:)!!!
@@holodeckfour thank you! That is such helpful advice. I am in therapy but I also do a lot of work outside of therapy. Sometimes if I do the opposite I still second guess myself or other times I wonder if it’s loving enough / normal. It’s so foreign to me.. thank you though that’s quite helpful. Same to you you’ve got this! Happy Mother’s Day ❤️
I have a mom, but she was an epic fail as a mother. While in college I asked her to spot me for a doctors visit. She scoffed at me telling me to man up and pay for it myself. Years later my dad exposed a year long affair she was having. We found out she was sending her grown 45 y.o. foreign lover hundreds of dollars every month. Naturally, my dad, brothers and I cut her off financially. She now occupies a nook in her sister's apartment. Being the oldest, she recently asked me to reason with and protect her from my dad who was allegedly threatening to hurt her. I declined and told my mom I had my own problems to deal with. Her crocodile tears and pikachu face were priceless 😂😂 I wished my grandma and mother in law a happy mother's day.
It sounds so complicated and painful - but also that you are very clear on your boundaries. So good to know what you will and will not accept -and I wish you continued healing and strength on your journey:)
Personality disorders are NOT mental illnesses. They are disorders of character (as in moral character). The original termonology for these disorders was Character Disorder, but the DSM committee found it a "pejorative" term to call them what they are. -information begins @4:01 I wanted to be a mother, as I love children, but I decided at 10 years old I would never have children. I'm 53 now. I'm sad that I missed out on the love of a child, but I knew in my heart that I was not willing to risk being like my mother. It took me decades to heal, and healing didn't really begin until 2004 when I cut contact. I don't regret cutting off all contact, but I do miss the fact that I never had a truly loving mother. I'll grieve the absence of that until the day I day.
Really fascinating about it being a moral disorder as opposed to a mental. I agree that there is some level of choice/free will involved here. It’s really convenient to blame it on a mental disorder because it shuts down the possibility of accountability. When you think of yourself of the ultimate doer of all the things you’ve done, it doesn’t feel so good. But that’s what it is.
I wish there was more guidance for parents who see this happening to their kids in real time. It seems like a lot of content is geared for adults who already have already lived through the trauma. I am a step parent and have witnessed all you are talking about and have felt so helpless bc I am unable to support my young step daughter best as she is in it now being 50/50 with us and her mom and I feel like I’m just watching all this shit happen and it feels wrong. She’s just is stuck bc she’s too young to do anything about it or she will get consequences but at the same time can’t authentically express herself over there, nor does she want us to “make a big deal” of it or she will get angry mom the whole time she is there…. Sigh… it’s just a shitty situation…
Had been having little contact with BPD mother, got invited to a “family dinner”. Thought maybe she was trying to mend our relationship. Nope. Secretly invited her verbally abusive boyfriend. Left and have heard nothing from her since
My mother always tell me she is so proud that she newer went to school newer wanted to learn. Newer did therapy. Proud of that she used long stay therapie for one year so she good drink alcohol. She gives me the wrong information to live in society. Wrong advice. To fail in society.
Hello, my partner identifies with an avoidant attachment and as being the lost child in childhood, he is looking at CPTSD, but still express it came from school bullying and not his family of origin. Can school bullying be responsible for being avoidant and identifying with feeling like the lost child or is it down to the emotional neglect from his parents? Thank you.
Thank you for your question. Bullying can create significant trauma - while I can't say in terms of a clinical opinion -- in my experience there are usually many elements (some of which we may not be aware of) and they are all layered together. If possible, therapy with a good fit therapist - can be incredibly helpful:)
@@DrKimSage thank you responding, If he relates to the lost role child in his family, would that be more likely be attributed to emotional neglect from parents, than school bullying?
Idk if I have a narcissistic mother but I do feel a sense of dread every Mother’s Day because I know it’s going to be the same as the last. The week leading up to the day she keeps drilling it into my head that she’s tired and never gets any presents or I don’t appreciate her. But I never show up empty handed on Mother’s Day because if I do she yells at me hysterically crying that I don’t love her and ignores me many days after. She also uses the word begs a lot, like she would text me begging that all she wants for her Mother’s Day weekend is a super clean home and when I try my hardest to make it happen she comes home dissatisfied saying I did a half ass job. And it’s not like I can retaliate because she puts a roof over my head and I don’t wanna get temporarily kicked out again.
My mother is a SUPER narcissistic person. She has no respect to boundaries and takes advantage of me. She has this hole she tries to fill with random men and is hurt when her superficial relationships don’t work out. She invades the comfort of family gatherings by inviting random men and forces us to have a relationship w them, when we know it’s a waste of time to. And when we ask her to not invite them, it’s always a big fit and it’s always the other person over her family. I used to waste a lot of time trying to help her understand how she’s wrong and what she can do to be better or even maintain better relationships but it was such a waste of time. Unfortunately I have distanced my self entirely and only say hi and bye bc that’s all I can handle with her. We recently fought about the same thing and it just reminded me how she’ll never change. I used to Yell back and feed her ego but I just stay calm and always emphasize that she’s being extra by yelling and I just repeat that once or 2x and she leaves. I prefer that then me saying stuff and bringing up more trauma that she doesn’t care about anyways. Silence truly is the killer of a narcissist who is trying to gain power over you. Good luck to everyone out there. I really wanted a relationship with my mother and it hurts that I will probably never have the full “love” or relationship that I wish I did/could have with her. Her true colors are just so ugly. I hope that one day I’ll be able to see a caring and consistently empathetic person in her. Until then it’s all self comfort and control from my side. 😔
As the adult daughter of a borderline mother this is the best Mother's Day gift I could have asked for. I am touched and validated beyond belief. Thank you so much! 💚
You are so welcome - it warms my heart to hear it. You do deserve to be validated --and know that you are seen:). Thank you so much for sharing.
My mother is a SUPER narcissistic person. She has no respect to boundaries and takes advantage of me. She has this hole she tries to fill with random men and is hurt when her superficial relationships don’t work out. She invades the comfort of family gatherings by inviting random men and forces us to have a relationship w them, when we know it’s a waste of time to. And when we ask her to not invite them, it’s always a big fit and it’s always the other person over her family. I used to waste a lot of time trying to help her understand how she’s wrong and what she can do to be better or even maintain better relationships but it was such a waste of time. Unfortunately I have distanced my self entirely and only say hi and bye bc that’s all I can handle with her. We recently fought about the same thing and it just reminded me how she’ll never change. I used to Yell back and feed her ego but I just stay calm and always emphasize that she’s being extra by yelling and I just repeat that once or 2x and she leaves. I prefer that then me saying stuff and bringing up more trauma that she doesn’t care about anyways. Silence truly is the killer of a narcissist who is trying to gain power over you. Good luck to everyone out there.
I really wanted a relationship with my mother and it hurts that I will probably never have the full “love” or relationship that I wish I did/could have with her. Her true colors are just so ugly. I hope that one day I’ll be able to see a caring and consistently empathetic person in her. Until then it’s all self comfort and control from my side. 😔
You have no idea how much I needed to hear that today. Everywhere - social media or private contacts - people are like, ''I love my mother, she's the best''... on days like these it hurts so much more knowing that my mother never was and might never be what I need or deserve. I'm grateful for therapy and my amazing therapist that models a secure relationship and shows me what validation means.
And also thank you so so much 💕 you really made me feel seen and understood today.
You are truly welcome - this is exactly why I wanted to share this video today - I know it's so hurtful to be flooded online with what we longed for -but never received. Please know you are worthy of validation and please take very good care today:)
Thank you for validating my experience. I ghosted her because I just didn't have the bandwidth to fake it anymore. I'm lucky that I have friends who understand and show me the love I never got from her.
You do deserve to be validated, and I am so sorry for what you've endured....so good you are protecting yourself- and that you have love in your life through your friends:). Thank you for sharing.
I went through this too. I binge watched every youtube video I could find on Narcissism - for weeks- months really and they truly helped. You have the right to have boundaries to protect yourself. Take care.
Thinking of you today and sending love. Please feel free to share and please take good care of yourselves:)
❤️
Thank you so much for this video. This is my first Mother's Day going no contact and I've been an emotional wreck all week. It's so nice to have this support on this day.
I hated her. I always have. She never laid a hand on me, but she was such a source of pain in my life. Watching her treat my father like a slave and killing our souls filled me with rage. I gave up hope probably when I was 4 years old. I never remember having a real mother. Tomorrow marks 1 month that she hasn’t texted or associated with me. I’m 21 and moved out. It’s been the greatest month of my life, but I’m plagued with guilt because “why don’t you try and work things out” is playing in my mind. But I don’t want to. I’ve never wanted to. She brings me nothing but pain and anger.
Yeah. Watching my father be belittled, humiliated, rejected and just take it my entire childhood is so embarrassing that I would not even have been able to type this 10 years ago.
I have no sympathy for people who don’t even try to get therapy. And still hurt and try to destroy my family.
Happy Mother’s Day Dr Sage. Because of your videos, I set boundaries with my mom and she said it was a “wake up call” and she began to change. She hasn’t been displaying BPD behaviors in several months now.
Thank you so much for sharing - that is wonderful! Truly, it can be so great when shifts are made, and boundaries are set. Great for you that you asked for what you needed and deserved - and great that she is responding!:).
Today Mother’s Day My mother had a tantrum crying fit and refused to take any of her presents home. She said everyone was treating her badly. We were having a great time playing games, eating food and it was time for her to open presents. She does this every single holiday when is nearing Time to go. She has a tantrum screaming raging fit over the tiniest thing. So I have been crying all day even though this has been happening hundreds of times. I am just tired of it. I think she’s a borderline. For years I have been so confused and after every holiday she doesn’t speak to us for at least a week and it’s pretty traumatizing. It doesn’t matter if we walk on egg shells. Or if we say something back. She has a tantrum and says we are the worst people on earth. Even though nothing bad happened and we were having a pleasant time. She always ruins it. I don’t know what to say to her about it or what to do but I’m tired of every holiday being ruined. And getting the blame and her not being able to take any ownership of her behavior. This time I told her to name one thing that someone had done to her that was negative. She couldn’t tell me anything. Just kept sobbing and accusing us of treating her so badly even though we spent the entire day and week really preparing to give her a happy and wonderful day. Of course the next day she’s can be apologetic and feels shame. Even though she may not say the words I’m sorry. The problem is damage is already done.
Oh, I am just so sorry. I hear how helpless and hurtful it feels (at least to me) that this cycle continues - it's so painful for everyone. I would truly recommend the books "Surviving A Borderline Parent" "Walking on Eggshells"-- at a minimum- if you don't have them already. It's really hard to get out of this cycle without support and/or a plan. Please just know you are worthy of peace and well being, as much as we love them, protecting ourselves is the only real thing we can control. Sending you support!!:)
@@DrKimSage Thanks 🙏 😊 so much. You’re so sweet and so helpful!
Same here. Ruins every holiday. Once she threw a ham across the room and told me to “ shove the gift (I gave her) up my f’ing a$$.” This, after criticizing all the gifts that I received from friends, and criticizing my 10-year-old son for just about everything.
Every Mother's Day I've been bewildered at the adult women praising their mothers, not because I doubt their experiences, but rather because I wonder what it would be like to have those experiences. I have noticed the stigma of complaining about your mother, therefore have never really felt like there's anyone who understands. When I told a friend how my mother would rant and rave about how she was just wanting to leave our family for months at a time on a vacation, how she was a college graduate, an aristocrat , etc., my friend responded that she just felt badly for my mother. So thanks for a validating, great video!
Thanks for a great video!
Thank you so much for sharing this - you are so right. I have seen it here on RUclips when other creators talk about no contact with mothers especially - they have been attacked. If you don't have a truly painful relationship like this - you just don't understand. No one should be allowed to continue hurting us - no matter who they are. You are not alone and I am so glad you're here. Sending so much healing and support your way:)
When I left my dysfunctional, toxic narcissistic family 6 months ago I found my mother's day card yet to be opened. I'm glad to be focusing on me so will treat myself to a sons day tomorrow. Such a beautiful lady, thanks for your guidance. Stay strong people. Love from South London ❤
My therapist thinks I have borderline and I also fit all the 9 criteria. For the longest time, I thought I was so fucked up bc of the name of this disorder. But after discovering your channel and doing inner work every day, I don't really feel borderline most of the time...I support myself, validate my own feelings and be my own best friend. Then I realized my mom fit the borderline/nac symptoms. I've had so many ppl telling me I should understand and forgive my mother, which I always tell them NO. I deserve to feel angry. Believe me, I've had times when all I felt about her was pity and empathy, and it helped me nothing in terms of taking care of my own feelings. Just bc my dad was an asshole does not make her a GOOD parent. Not at all. Thank you for telling us what it's not okay and what our human rights are. I know I deserve to be angry, and from now on I'll protect the child self.
Gosh, this was awesome, Dr. Sage. So validating! I will be listening to this over and over again until it sinks totally in.
You are so welcome Laurie! Please do remind yourself how worthy of validation you truly are!!:)
Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge and wisdom in this video 🙏🏽
Thank you for this 💛. Every holiday is terrible with my mother but Mother’s Day is the queen of all bad holidays! I finally don’t feel as guilty just giving her a phone call and hanging up when it’s too much. I no longer can be easily guilted into being abused - being across the country makes it easier to set those boundaries. Sometimes physical distance makes all the difference!
Thank you for sharing this! You are so right, boundaries make such a difference, and physical ones too can truly provide an additional layer of protection! I so understand the heavy nature of Mother's Day, but I love that you are not feeling guilty for your self loving protection and releasing of guilt! Sending support for continued strength and healing!:)
Thank you for this. Super painful holiday.. I would like to skip it but after being screamed at as a kid for not making my mom’s Mother’s Day nicer I feel programmed to acknowledge it no matter how angry I feel. This message was exactly what I needed. I am saving this for future.
Thank you so much for all your videos about borderline personality disorder. I've struggled for many years to understand what was wrong with my mother. My deep dive into narcissism, although it was very helpful, did not quite seem to explain her because my mom can be intermittently loving and affirming and also very cold and contemptuous. She was incredibly emotionally unstable, abusive (physically and verbally) when I was growing up, but she could also be loving at times. The information you have provided about BPD seems to fit her like a glove. I made the decision to emigrate a couple of years ago, in part to be away from my family, and I've worked hard to understand what happened to me and to put in proper boundaries. But the relationship is still painful and difficult at times. She and my brother recently came over to visit me for a week and a half. I was the best host that I could be but it wasn't good enough for her and so the visit started out well but turned cold and contemptuous on her part, and she hasn't spoken to me since she left, which was well over a month ago. I didn't think I could still be hurt like this as an adult, but it was a lesson for me. I'm grateful that living in a different country gives me an excuse to be more detached when it comes to things like Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas, etc. which have been triggering times for me in the past. I can often get away with just sending a text, which is so much easier. I nearly made the decision to go no-contact at one point in the past, but remaining detached and distant and having a more superficial relationship where we just speak once in a while seems to be right for me. It's difficult though when they pull you in. I won't ever have her to stay in my house again, not for more than a day or two anyway!
Your video just hit home for me. When you started to talk about them threatened to take away your babysitting etc. I have gotten that that point you talked about. And there's a calm in the knowing that little by little, I can make it work without my mom's help with my own children. Baby steps but I'll get there. Thank you 🙏
Yes- you will get there! Thank you so much for sharing - I know it's so hard, but it's so worth it if you can get to a point where the only thing you need from them, if you choose it, is a relationship. So proud of you - keep going- your peace and well being are worth it!:)
Been stressing about this all week. Thank you for your guidance
I broke down crying while hearing this. Everything you listed, both of my parents have done but I've seen as normal. It helps explain why I'm so afraid to get too close to anyone. Idk what to do
My mom isn’t always that bad, she’s definitely had her terrible moments but I still like to show her some appreciation on Mother’s Day. She has cancer. She’s horrible with gifts though, if she doesn’t like it you can tell and she used to occasionally throw tantrums over gifts. Now she just asks for specific things, probably to prevent her disappointment, which feels forced. She’s asked me for a tattoo (which personally I think is too expensive of a gift for Mother’s Day, it’s like $200 I’m not rich by any means I’m 26 😅) has had my brother get her concert tickets as a present, on top of us taking her out for dinner. This year she sent me a specific ring she wanted, it’s not an expensive ring actually but Mother’s Day is a month away and her already asking and planning to get gifts given to her rubs me the wrong way. It’s like she is a kid and is anticipating receiving gifts for her “special day”.
You are such a blessing , thanks for you knowledge and wisdom and time once again.
Happy Mother’s Day beautiful soul ❤️🌈🦋🌿💐
Thank you so much! What a beautifully kind response - so deeply appreciated! Thank you for watching and please take good care today!
Thank you so much for your videos!❤ It's just that kind of help that is needed!🙏 My first mother's day is a status of no contact with my bpd mom.
Hope that the right moment will come and you'll be able to share with us your own story.
I work every Mothers Day… and almost every other holiday. I really don’t like holidays at all.
Do you think you could make a video about healthy attachments and how to be a healthy parents or have healthy relationships? I come from a broken hole with severely unhealthy relationship with my parents and I often struggle to know what to do. I google a lot of what I don’t know because I don’t have that mom who I can go to and ask. Would appreciate it so much!
Yes! I am going to start making more videos on healthy attachment, healing attachment in ourselves, relationships, parenting, etc so will definitely do that --and have already started working (a little:) on it all! Thank you so much for sharing - I so understand the struggle, and even the fact that you are trying and aware is so amazing:)!!!
@@holodeckfour Good advice! I so agree, therapy can be so healing and yes, you've all got this! Lots of love today!!
@@holodeckfour thank you! That is such helpful advice. I am in therapy but I also do a lot of work outside of therapy. Sometimes if I do the opposite I still second guess myself or other times I wonder if it’s loving enough / normal. It’s so foreign to me.. thank you though that’s quite helpful. Same to you you’ve got this! Happy Mother’s Day ❤️
Thank you so much for posting this Dr. Sage
You are beyond welcome - please take care today:)
I have a mom, but she was an epic fail as a mother. While in college I asked her to spot me for a doctors visit. She scoffed at me telling me to man up and pay for it myself. Years later my dad exposed a year long affair she was having. We found out she was sending her grown 45 y.o. foreign lover hundreds of dollars every month. Naturally, my dad, brothers and I cut her off financially. She now occupies a nook in her sister's apartment. Being the oldest, she recently asked me to reason with and protect her from my dad who was allegedly threatening to hurt her. I declined and told my mom I had my own problems to deal with. Her crocodile tears and pikachu face were priceless 😂😂 I wished my grandma and mother in law a happy mother's day.
It sounds so complicated and painful - but also that you are very clear on your boundaries. So good to know what you will and will not accept -and I wish you continued healing and strength on your journey:)
Just found this channel, better late than never. I love this!
Yes welcome!! Thank you so much!:)
Personality disorders are NOT mental illnesses. They are disorders of character (as in moral character). The original termonology for these disorders was Character Disorder, but the DSM committee found it a "pejorative" term to call them what they are.
-information begins @4:01
I wanted to be a mother, as I love children, but I decided at 10 years old I would never have children. I'm 53 now. I'm sad that I missed out on the love of a child, but I knew in my heart that I was not willing to risk being like my mother. It took me decades to heal, and healing didn't really begin until 2004 when I cut contact.
I don't regret cutting off all contact, but I do miss the fact that I never had a truly loving mother. I'll grieve the absence of that until the day I day.
I am so sorry for all you endured - thank you for sharing, and please take very good care today.
@@DrKimSage I appreciate your kind words, thank you.
I struggle other days, but not so much on Mother's Day for some reason.
You take care, as well~
Really fascinating about it being a moral disorder as opposed to a mental. I agree that there is some level of choice/free will involved here. It’s really convenient to blame it on a mental disorder because it shuts down the possibility of accountability. When you think of yourself of the ultimate doer of all the things you’ve done, it doesn’t feel so good. But that’s what it is.
I was just thinking about you & you posted a video 🥰 thank you
So kind, thank you for sharing!! Hope you are taking very good care today:)
thank you for this video, and most of all thank you for posting it today
You are so welcome:). Please take very good care today!
Thank you Dr. Sage. I'm really looking forward to your program, I definitely need it 🙏
You are very welcome - please take very good care today:)
Thank you for this video.
I wish there was more guidance for parents who see this happening to their kids in real time. It seems like a lot of content is geared for adults who already have already lived through the trauma. I am a step parent and have witnessed all you are talking about and have felt so helpless bc I am unable to support my young step daughter best as she is in it now being 50/50 with us and her mom and I feel like I’m just watching all this shit happen and it feels wrong. She’s just is stuck bc she’s too young to do anything about it or she will get consequences but at the same time can’t authentically express herself over there, nor does she want us to “make a big deal” of it or she will get angry mom the whole time she is there…. Sigh… it’s just a shitty situation…
Hi, I loved your language! But a narcissist pd here, and watching your video!
Had been having little contact with BPD mother, got invited to a “family dinner”. Thought maybe she was trying to mend our relationship. Nope. Secretly invited her verbally abusive boyfriend. Left and have heard nothing from her since
ThankU, I needed this today. : )
You are so welcome!!:)
My mother gaslichting me from born till now I am 64 years .
I am sorry to hear that
It will make you pull your hair out it’s so mind fucking !
Unrelated, your flowers are dead. My OCD can’t unsee them.
My mother always tell me she is so proud that she newer went to school newer wanted to learn. Newer did therapy. Proud of that she used long stay therapie for one year so she good drink alcohol. She gives me the wrong information to live in society. Wrong advice. To fail in society.
thanks a lot for this video
Hello, my partner identifies with an avoidant attachment and as being the lost child in childhood, he is looking at CPTSD, but still express it came from school bullying and not his family of origin. Can school bullying be responsible for being avoidant and identifying with feeling like the lost child or is it down to the emotional neglect from his parents? Thank you.
Thank you for your question. Bullying can create significant trauma - while I can't say in terms of a clinical opinion -- in my experience there are usually many elements (some of which we may not be aware of) and they are all layered together. If possible, therapy with a good fit therapist - can be incredibly helpful:)
@@DrKimSage thank you responding, If he relates to the lost role child in his family, would that be more likely be attributed to emotional neglect from parents, than school bullying?
Idk if I have a narcissistic mother but I do feel a sense of dread every Mother’s Day because I know it’s going to be the same as the last. The week leading up to the day she keeps drilling it into my head that she’s tired and never gets any presents or I don’t appreciate her. But I never show up empty handed on Mother’s Day because if I do she yells at me hysterically crying that I don’t love her and ignores me many days after. She also uses the word begs a lot, like she would text me begging that all she wants for her Mother’s Day weekend is a super clean home and when I try my hardest to make it happen she comes home dissatisfied saying I did a half ass job. And it’s not like I can retaliate because she puts a roof over my head and I don’t wanna get temporarily kicked out again.
My mother don't allow me on mother's Day. Onley my sister en two brothers are aloud.
I was really sad on Mother’s Day 05/12/2024 it sucks seeing people show their mothers love my mom. Is alive but I had to go no contact
I have PTSD chronical depression. ADHD
Mum was not wanded , opposite she was too spoiled and is a narcisista
My mother is a SUPER narcissistic person. She has no respect to boundaries and takes advantage of me. She has this hole she tries to fill with random men and is hurt when her superficial relationships don’t work out. She invades the comfort of family gatherings by inviting random men and forces us to have a relationship w them, when we know it’s a waste of time to. And when we ask her to not invite them, it’s always a big fit and it’s always the other person over her family. I used to waste a lot of time trying to help her understand how she’s wrong and what she can do to be better or even maintain better relationships but it was such a waste of time. Unfortunately I have distanced my self entirely and only say hi and bye bc that’s all I can handle with her. We recently fought about the same thing and it just reminded me how she’ll never change. I used to Yell back and feed her ego but I just stay calm and always emphasize that she’s being extra by yelling and I just repeat that once or 2x and she leaves. I prefer that then me saying stuff and bringing up more trauma that she doesn’t care about anyways. Silence truly is the killer of a narcissist who is trying to gain power over you. Good luck to everyone out there.
I really wanted a relationship with my mother and it hurts that I will probably never have the full “love” or relationship that I wish I did/could have with her. Her true colors are just so ugly. I hope that one day I’ll be able to see a caring and consistently empathetic person in her. Until then it’s all self comfort and control from my side. 😔