I will never understand why people hesitate to get married but they don’t hesitate to create a child that they will have to take care of for at least 18 years. Call me crazy but a child sounds like a much bigger commitment than marriage.
I never understood that either. I think it's more of a narcissistic thing in some people. A child you can mold. You can't mold another adult and narcissistic people can't stand that. They don't want the responsibility of worrying about the needs and feelings of an adult with their own needs, feelings, and desires. It's hard to disappoint a child...when all they know is you (as the adult taking care of them) at least until they get out in the world and meet other people. You can easily disappoint an adult you are in a relationship with.
It's the classic bait and switch. Happens every day. And of course the guys aren't going to be honest, they can't be for multiple reasons (these two and Anthony all know what's up).
40% of children are unplanned. Our species depends on accidental pregnancy. If everyone waited until they were ready to have kids willingly, our population would collapse.
@@carultch "Our species depends on accidental pregnancy. If everyone waited until they were ready to have kids willingly, our population would collapse." The world is overpopulated bud. If those 40% of unplanned children were never conceived the world would actually be a better place. Ever been to San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, or Chicago?
While I can respect your position, I would like to add that not everyone believes in the concept of marriage. I know many couples who have wonderful, long lasting relationships without having the gov't involved in their familial affairs. Not saying it's good or bad, just thought I'd make the point. In addition, you don't know why this guy didn't want to marry her, for all we know he could have a valid reason for it.
@@DHFlip18 “...without having the govt involved in their familial affairs” 🤦🏾♀️ listen, EVERYTHING about this government benefits the married individual. Just say you don’t wanna get married or legally bind yourself to one person forever because you may change your mind later on and it’ll be difficult to just leave if you have to go through the courts to divorce. Stop putting play on “the govt” and just acknowledge that it’s you. I know people who were with people for decades, they broke up and met someone else and got married within 4 months. It’s all about who you want to be legally bound to. That’s it, that’s all.
@@kenyattaknox5163 I'll make this simple:if it were that, I'd say so. Commitment to one person isn't my issue. I said the gov't involvement because that's what I meant. Stop assuming.
who dates someone for 11 years. Do not have kids with someone who does not want to marry you before you have kids. thats ridiculous they basically been a married couple.
@@salb5610 better bachelor is the channel, many of times has he shown studies that single men are happier, while childless and/or single women are unhappy.
His girlfriend is crazy to be a stay at home if they’re not married. If that relationship fails, how is she going to support herself? She has no legal rights to anything. Not smart.🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️
I agree with you. Between these comments and the hosts advice, if they aren’t married, they should have encouraged him to encourage her to get a job to help out and when they get married, she can stay at home. I didn’t agree with their advice
A gal at work was taking up a collection to give to her babysitter. The babysitter had a kid by her live-in boyfriend and then he died. She was left with the kid and a job as a babysitter. Women, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH SOMEONE YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO!
He missed a lot out. They've been married 10 years but the kid is only 4. Did she work full-time and contribute for the 6 years prior? And does she plan to go back to work once the kid is older and in school?
Ok, just trying to decipher whether she was the driven, hard working career type before the baby. If not, then he can't really complain that she's now staying at home. If she did a complete 180 and went from a 9-to-5, equally contributing partner to 'now I have a baby so I'm staying home', then he'd have more reason to be annoyed and feel cheated. But either way, it sounds like they are terrible at communicating and he isn't/wasn't assertive in laying out what his expectations are/were. I personally think when a child is young it is far better for the mother to be around constantly. Doesn't mean she can't do a side hustle from home, but at 4 years old her main job should be as mother. Once he's in school full time, she should go back to work unless they are having more kids or he's a millionaire and can easily cover everything. There just isn't enough manual housework to constitute a full time role as 'housewife' these days. I'm in a large old victorian home by myself most of the time and easily fit chores around a full time career and small home business. So I'm not sure what she would do all day once the kid is at school.
You have no idea if that’s the case. The questions weren’t asked - did they discuss her going back to work, how does her staying at home impact their shared financial goals, does she consume more than she contributes in kind
I'll be honest, I still resent my ex for having our son and he's almost 13 😆. I Never wanted to be a dad nor a husband, and I made that perfectly clear. She even agreed, but then she changed her mind without my consent (insert evil plot here). I'm a free spirit by nature, and though I divorced her, I could never get our son out of my life. And yes, of course I love him but in my heart I never wanted to be in this role.
@@scotttracy9333 At 22, and risk the chances of having something go wrong... No thanks. I was dating a girl and made myself perfectly clear. Considering my age I think it wss understandable.
I understand wanting to stay at home with the kid, but she cannot rely on this man that won’t even marry her after 11 years and a kid. She needs to work to be able to care for herself and her child because he doesn’t seem like he’s in it for the long run.
Bt y? What's the difference in being married and what they have now?? It's jus dat after marriage half his stuff will b hers if one day she wakes up one fine morning thinking she wants smtin different I call this guy smart
Lessons to learn from this video: -don't shack up before marriage -Marriage then kids - Be clear on finances/ roles I.e. 50/50 or traditional -Don't be with a man who doesnt make it known soon where he wants the relationship/ future to be like with you
Yup, that's why I tell people to avoid marriage. I'm lucky, I worked it out so my ex wife only receives $25/mo. Oddly enough, she's the one who earned more because I put her through school while working two jobs myself.
Nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom. In this case, it’s totally wrong because both of these people are not on the same page. This is where the resentment comes from.
Exactly! If they can’t find a compromise, they will either continue to be together and his resentment will grow or they split and she has to work anyway. If this is the ONLY issue, I hope they can find a happy medium.
Maria Puccio yeah so that’s why they need to talk and compromise. Even if she gets child support, she will still have to work. Hopefully they can figure it out and hopefully there is some love left instead of resentment and just becoming comfortable.
@@Etatdesiege1979 True. He should have put his foot down and told her she needs to work. She’s been unemployed for 4 years and it doesn’t even bother her.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now. He kept insisting that I move in. I told him when we get married I'll move in. There's no if it but about this decision.
I've been with mine 6 years. I told him if he doesn't at least propose soon then I will. If he says no to when I propose then I'm out. I'm not asking him to marry me now but at least be on the same page to commit to one another towards forever. You know what I mean?
Is she actually being a stay at home mom or is she expecting him to work 12 hours and do half of the house work and all of the yard work? The DR team never actually asks the right questions because the majority of their audience is female and think like the commentor here. She can't have traditional gender roles where it benefits her and modern gender equity when it doesn't (and that's probably why he's resentful).
kxlot79 he needs to grow up and take responsibility real quick. If he thinks he can just walk away now he’ll be paying child support for the next 19 years, I don’t think he’ll be happy with that either. He has to make a decision soon
Rodrigo Gatti yeah, but lets be real there are major differences and implications if he gets legally married before he’s ready to commit & be sure its for him.
Never is... that few months for the child always grows. Then another child, then another, and her ever going back to work before the kids graduate high-school is a memory.
A lot of these calls (and therefore maybe of all financial problems in general) are the result of thinking with the lower head rather than the actual head.
It's sad that so many men resent their children. I can tell you the same men who complain about supporting their child, have no problem asking that child for help when they are grown.
Being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job. If he thinks that putting the kid into day care and his spouse working is going to lead to some financial breakthrough he is in for a rude awakening.
How’s that my wife makes 1200 a week and daycare is 135 a week I make 2000 a week so going from 2000 a week to 3065 sounds like a no brainer plus my wife is a little more sane for staying home with a whining crying shitting spitting up kid for 50 hours
@@TheMechanicj well you guys got lucky, daycare in my area is anywhere from 350 to 550 a week. I plan to go back to work when baby is starting school, in the mean time I decided to go back to school as well.
@@TheMechanicj you're making insane money and getting daycare for dirt cheap.. your weekly income is what many people make a month..and most of us pay a few hundred a week for daycare
@@Lady.Luck. So your making 24-36,000 annually? That is more of a choice than anything. Almost any other job will pay more than that. Getting an education and a stable start to a good paying career should come before having children. Of course childcare is expensive. That should not be a surprise. That should be looked into before having children as well.
I think they need to come to an agreement. Seems like she decided she wanted to stay home but he was not in agreement with that. They need to have a long talk about how they want their family dynamic. One person can’t decide how 2 people are going to go about their lives. They need counseling.
Amen 🙏 Let them come to a decision together, even if that decision ends up being their current situation. Now more wandering into situation after situation. More decision making and principles are to be had.
I actually applaud this guy for being able to recognize how he feels about the situation. Maybe make a compromise that once the child goes to school she can work. I think it makes sense when they're young but it's hard to provide for a family's needs on one income these days. One of those sacrifices you have to live through when you have a child.
I work a regular job and am still healthy and happy. Nothing to do with working/not working. A bad job can make you stressed, but otherwise it's down to the individual and their personality. But if you're earning a good enough wage to cover both of you then great. A lot of people need two incomes for even a basic lifestyle.
If you both agreed upon it it’s great but when one just assumes the role for years and doesn’t put anything in when you’re possibly in need of it then it’s going too be super frustrating when your putting in the work but see nothing in return
Not true. My husband makes less than 50K a year (we live in a low-income area), we have six kids, and I stay at home to homeschool, take care of the littles, house, homestead (animals and growing food), hubby, etc. We have been making one tiny income work from the beginning (the hubby made a lot less at the beginning. We didn't have 6 kids then either, of course! Lol!). The key is to live BELOW your means. That means cars you pay for outright instead of payments, and a house we don't pay a mortgage on. No, they are not the nicest, fanciest, most Pinterest perfect things, but we own them and are beholden to no one. Most people put themselves in debt because they think they HAVE to live at a set standard. You don't need a brand new car, it just needs to work and be maintained. You don't need a $250,000 house (again, we're in a low-income area, so $250,000 is RIDICULOUSLY expensive for a house... or anything for that matter...) save your money and buy something outright or to have a much larger down payment and smaller mortgage payments. Maybe just buy a smaller house? For some reason, everyone thinks they have to put themselves in massive debt. Really isn't necessary if you lower your standards. Upgrade over time as you can afford to if you feel it's necessary.
He isn't even ashamed to call her gf after 11 years and a child out of wedlock. We need to bring back shaming of having kids out of wedlock. Caller is a joke.
My sis in law is a stay at home mom who: does not cook for the family (2 small kids), doesn’t clean the house...the kids is a mess and the house is filthy...my bro would come home from his shift and do whatever he could. If that is the type of “stay at home mom” then the caller should be resentful...a stay at home mom who actually take care of the house, the kids and her husband is a gift. What kind of man wouldn’t want to come home from a long day of work to a hot meal to eat and his kids and house are well rounded?
Your sis in law sounds like my cousin's ex wife. I understand with two small children sometimes its hard to get it all done but his wife would leave the baby in the crib all day and not bother to clean.
That sounds like my ex-wife. She stated that she wasn't going to do anything anymore or help pay for anything because she was liberated. That lasted until she realized she was unnecessary. Her next 3 marriages also ended in divorce.
It’s not just men these days, most of my girlfriends wonder why I don’t have grad degree debt and a high earning job to pay it off. My married friends understand we are saving for a family, and I would rather raise my kids than pay for someone else to do it. To each their own but to me there’s no more important work than parenting. What’s great is not everyone feels this way, we all do our parts to make society better. Diversity is key.
There's zero sense in sending a GOOD mother into the workforce when she could be at home. The benefits of a mother being able to raise her children are PRICELESS. He's not a provider. Nothing wrong with that. Some men are, some men aren't. I'm glad John told him to grow up. Great advice from John as usual.
It’s okay to be a stay at home mom if both parents agree. It’s equally okay to have both parents working if they agree. It does make sense to send the mom to work if they agree and if they don’t snd their relationship fails, she will have to go to work as a single mom or he will still work as a single dad. They have to form their own type of relationship which is okay.
You’re 34 my dude you’ve been with her since 23. Being a stay at home mom is perfectly reasonable if you can afford it which you probably can. Get married and provide for your family. This is a new and exciting chapter in your life, but it requires discipline and responsibility. You can do it!
@@ENCwwe He’s falling into the “Manosphere”. They reject all responsibility for not being liked and blame others (often women) - marriage is a trap - she will divorce you for money - nobody truly likes you. They just want your labour Etc, etc. He’s the victim and everyone is the villain
It’s exiting to pay all the bills and have to pick up overtime weekly to afford those bills? Exiting to live check to check cause the girl don’t wanna work ? If so yes be a blast
DING DING DING! When he spoke about combining finances in the household, he was asking permission to put up some boundaries like splitting up the finances again so he could get himself together. He doesn’t see them as a team. Its unfortunate. 11yrs, a kid and a household.
@Mack Bach The men I know that went into marriage with eyes wide open and wanted kids are happy. Those that fell into marriage with someone without a plan are the ones that are miserable.
My wife raises our two little girls and I wouldn’t trade that because there isn’t a person better suited on this earth to do so. Having my wife stay home was a conscientious decision by both of us. I do struggle with the same resentment of romanticizing staying at home as if staying home is an easy job! My wife runs the house, bills, kids, and has figured out how to bring money home monthly with part time teaching! Dang women! However, I often compare the difficulties and stress of my job with her’s as a stay at home mother unfairly. I’ll sometimes be jealous when I hear my wife had fun with the girls that day, wow how selfish of me? My job is grueling and is stressful, however, I should never be upset that my wife is loving our girls well. I could change jobs any time I want too, cowboy up and deal with it like a man! It’s human nature to be selfish and want your best interests and how you deal with your feelings will greatly impact your development. One thing is for certain, both spouses need to agree on the decision together. Stay at home spouse, great. Both spouses carrier driven, awesome. Just make sure you agree!
There are a few differences between your situation and the caller. You and your wife made a mutual decision for her to stay at home, the caller did not do this with his girlfriend. Since they're not married, he's just just taking care of his unemployed roommate. I assume he's calling because he's struggling financially, which doesn't sound like the same was going on with you. Your wife was bringing in some sort of income and updating her skills, the caller's girlfriend is not. If he decides to leave her today, she will only be entitled to child support. She's setting herself up for financial failure. What they should have done is irrelevant now because it already happened, they have to focus on what they can do now.
@@esonon5210 I listened to this same conversation, and nowhere in it did the caller say that he and his girlfriend did not choose this. Also, nowhere in the conversation did he say that she isn't "doing anything to bring some sort of income or updating her skills". You totally projected that out of thin air.
@ Mack Bach There’s way more to being a homemaker than that. It’s a full time job with no end. You obviously don’t have a clue what you are talking about.
John Lester maybe he sees the writing on the wall that this woman will divorce him in the future. Literally nothing to gain from marriage at this point.
BINGO! That's exactly what happened. This happens way too often and many times it backfires on the woman. Many times the man still doesn't marry her even after the kid(s).
Being a stay at home Parent should be a family decision. Sounds like she just didn’t want to go back to work and he had no say in the matter. She’s wrong for that.
Yes, that's the respectful thing to do, but sometimes people just assume lifestyles. My mom assumed she would be a stay at home mom/wife after my oldest sister was born, but my dad didn't allow it. Thankfully, I'm wise enough to have this conversation during the dating phase.
Thank God I live in Canada and get 18 months off for maternity leave. Thank God that my job is allowing me to return to work part time. And thank god I have a husband who provides a wonderful life for us and actually appreciates everything I do to take care of our child, take care of the house, cook all of our meals, manage our finances, etc.
If your husband can financially support you that’s good but they didn’t talk about his finances at all. this man may be living from check to check. There’s a reason why he wants her to go back to work, he’s carrying that financial burden, a man who makes enough money to take care of the house does it without a second thought.
@@melodymakingmelodies4896 a man who makes enough money to take care of the house does it without a second thought. THAT was BEFORE NOW.....a Wise man shouldnt accept that, women are entitled to change their mind anytime soon an a man can end up paying her lifestyle without any benefits, women have careers and Jobs as men....is 50/50...otherwise no cohabitation ...not children with a woman
When you both can contribute it’s beautiful. I’ve been supportive of my partner while he was in college jobless and now he has a great career. But I also work and earn my own. 9 years together + two babies. We’re not married. Bless you and yours :)
This is why you have kids AFTER you are married. It's fine if you wait for a few years before you make a marriage decision, it's a legal binding contract. Make sure it's right for both of you. If it's not, then pull the eject seat and get out!
I was really shocked when i heard together 11 years with a 4 year old son. This isn't 'we just got married and we had an unplanned pregnancy', this is 'I built a life but I think it could have been better if I made different choices a decade ago'
Naomie B. Exactly. If the original plan was for her to return to work and now after four years she’s still at home, then just think how little control he’ll have once a piece of paper makes it harder to leave.
This guy was not ready for child and definitely not ready for a wife hence still not committing after 11 years. He clearly does not want any of that responsibility. I really hope he can come to accept the changes that have occurred. I hope he realises that he had as much to do with these changes as his gf. She does not deserve that resentment. Also, he needs to clearly communicate to the gf that she needs to get a job or something part time.
Taylor Anne You can still provide for your family while your wife works. My parents did this, my father worked but so did my mother and my mom practically raised us by herself while working full time with my father being out of town every week. If the caller wants to do it 1950’s style and be the breadwinner with a wife at home then he can submit himself to that and go over what her duties are as a stay at home wife however if that’s not what he wants then it should be address 💯
If he wants her to work, he needs to communicate that to her and why. BEFORE he married her. Mom’s and Dad’s both have a financial responsibility to their kids.
Exactly!!!! Because anything else would be irresponsible. If he decided to leave the relationship tomorrow, She'd be responsible for providing financial support to her child, as much as he is.
Nope. A man doesn't have to carry a child, give birth, get stretch marks, gain weight, risk his life and set himself up for future problems (postpartum depression, complications, etc.) The VERY LEAST A MAN CAN DO IS PROVIDE. He literally has ONE JOB.
_BibleBeltBelle Wow! The pressure of having that on a mans shoulders can be hefty. Especially if the woman he’s married to spends money faster than he can make it. Women know what they’re getting into when having kids. If they don’t want what comes with it, then don’t have any. He has dreams for his life too. Besides that, men can have their own set of medical issues - urological ones - that can be far worse than what a lot of women go thru. How about having some compassion?
I never wanted to be a stay at home parent, but I used to like the idea of having a partner that was. Having someone cook, clean, and stay with the kid to avoid expensive daycare sounds nice. It shouldn't be something that's looked down on. Never had kids though, so it doesn't matter now.
I definitely get being a full time stay at home mom for the first few years, but once the kid is in school there’s no reason she can’t pick up at least a part time job.
@Mack Bach in addition to running kids to activities, helping with homework, getting kids ready for the next day at school and bedtime routine, baths, etc. Being a stay at home job is a lot more work than going to a job outside of the home. I’ve done both.
Like Dave says before getting married make sure of these 4 things 1. Finances 2. Kids 3. Family involvement 4. Beliefs/religion I’m pretty sure if they breakup today, he would be a deadbeat to that child “out of resentment”.
Yes, however if they have to pay for daycare, all or the majority of that paycheck goes towards that bill. Sometimes it’s just better to be a stay at home parent.
There’s resentment because he’s tired of pulling the financial weight. The kid is 4, going to school pretty soon and realistically, mom should be considering going back to work. EDIT: 70% of mothers in this country work full or part time. The child is old enough to be in preschool with kids his age. The days of a mother staying home for a decade to watch one child get off the school bus are long gone.
We homeschool so we live on one income now. However once our kids are old enough to watch themselves I plan on getting at least a part time job to help out. Unless the perfect job comes across my path before then.
NurturingTalents No one said anything about public school. Most children benefit from socializing with kids their age. And Homeschooling really is best if you have 2 or more children. How would you expect a 5 yr old to make friends or develop social skills...
If she can’t love you without a ring, she won’t love you with one either. And brother if she ain’t contributing so you can have financial security, she don’t love you.
He resents her because she never asked him to be a stay at home mother she just did it. Now he has to deal with the consequences of that loss of income. I feel bad for him, he should not be guilted into marrying her.
To me he sounds like an indecisive person who doesn’t know what he wants from life and he is 34, what for making this public when all he needs to do is to have a discussion with his woman abt their future and the future or their son, btw it must be horrible for a kid that daddy doesn’t want to marry mommy; it would be nice to know the other side too, for sure he isn’t saying everything, like why would she decide to stay home after 4 years, usually women are eager to get back to work, dependency feels awful, maybe the kid has issues etc and it’s a temporary situation, we don’t know anything basically
He can always find a stay-at-home wife and kid in his "money budget" the way he found them in his "time budget." I wonder if his budget is on paper, that would probably ground him on how possible it all is and he can stop over-worrying.
I was thinking somewhat similar idea. Can he afford it? If his gf goes back to work, then there will be added expenses and they may not be much further ahead. I have not at this moment watched the whole video to see if he understands and appreciates what a stay at home mom contributes
no marriage is a business not love. you are 100 percent wrong. this man is looking at it from a logical unemotional perspective. you might not be able to understand this
zero marriage is not a business because a product or service is not being sold. Marriage is a life long commitment and it’s say I’m willing to give u my all even to the point of losing all my assets if I can’t fulfill that promise. Don’t let the media or this society weaken u. BE STRONG
then you did nothing. One parent should stay with the children until they are taught adult daily and monthly tasks and skills and have been taught a skill that would earn their bread one day. Neglecting your children to the education system is one of the worst things you can do.
@@raewynhaughton1585 I think kids should be educated, but proper education is needed and since the education system does NOT provide proper education it falls to parents and possibly private courses to do that. A child should be an expert in a field by 18 and be more than employable in said field, know how the economic system works, all the chores and responsibilities of an adult, that's good parenting. Instead, most parents think that just being kind to their kid and neglecting them to the education system means they are being good parents, while the child grows up to be useless. The education system globally produces useless people if they do NOT self-educate from an early age and solely rely on said education system(both school and university). People who solely follow the education system come out of universities and are barely good enough to get the bottom position jobs in the field they studied, many don't even get a job even though they did very well, if not excellent in school and university.
It's certainly different for every household, but honestly I feel for the caller! I would 100% feel resentment if I was working full-time and my husband did not bring in any sort of income - especially when our children went to school during the day. I and would feel very uncomfortable if the roles were reversed and he was working full-time and I was not during much productivity-wise when the kids were in school. These sorts of goals and life plans need to be discussed before committing to a long-term relationship!
The comments on these threads drive me nuts. Anything mentioning a stay-at-home mom turns into anti women lazy user accusations. My first thought about the girlfriend staying home is that she has absolutely no protection since they aren't married and is simply unemployed. Not smart, IMO. I think HER situation is the raw deal at this point - except for the point that she is quite likely collecting some sort of government aide for her situation since they are not married, something no one got into on this call. It is challenging for any family to have two full time working parents with young kids. It is tough financially for most families to have someone stay home. The reality is that most families do something in between. Why are more people/politicians/etc. not talking about FAMILIES? In a perfect world, there would be solid part time or odd shifting employment opportunities where parents could put together plans that keep them financially stable (and medically insured) while prioritizing time with their children. (Can you imagine the difference it would make in children's lives if both parents worked 3/4 or 4/5 time, maybe four days a week, with the kids going to daycare 3 days, spending one day with dad, one day with mom, and two days as an entire family each week?) I also think there should be some sort of "pre-parenting agreement" kind of like a pre-nup where couples could work out a plan and protections be put in place to protect all parties. I'm so glad I had a spouse that worked WITH me to make a workable plan for our family. And, yes, sometimes that meant I stayed home so he could travel and work odd hours to further his career. It also meant when he got his career to a point with more flexibility he carried more of the load at home sometimes so I could get mine back on track.
Every one of these calls I listen to makes me so thankful that I don't have kids, am not married, and won't be doing either of those things. Ever. All I see is disaster all around.
Erik, your wife has been a stay-at-home mom for the past four years. It's her turn to be the breadwinner and for you to be a stay-at-home dad. It's only fair. 🙃 In all honesty... full-day kindergarten is around the corner. Meaning a two household income is around the corner.
Being a homemaker and a SAHM is a full-time job. That being said that means you clean, cook, and take care of your husband as well. That doesn’t mean the husband shouldn’t pitch in. The husband and father needs to embrace/love being a good provider and realize it’s better to have a parents at home. I made sure I didn’t marry a man like this. I’ve had a career and a college education, but my husband is happier with me home. I cater my schedule to his and I’ve made my home a sanctuary. God bless these men for giving it to him strait. I hope they can find their groove as a family.
I wonder if the problem stems from him feeling like it’s “his” money that he’s giving away and his family is leeching off of him. If he doesn’t get married he can still call the money “his”. Only selfish and un empathetic adolescents think that. This boy needs to grow up and realize he made this situation for himself.
@Brenda McAlpine They did not discuss if she should be a stay at home mom or not. He may also be interested in being a stay-at-home dad while she supports them. It's not the '60s anymore, educate yourself. Both man and woman can take care of the kids while the other provides
the man looks at marriage as business. he is logically thinking a bout his decision as he should. all they did was shame him into conforming into something he probably didnt want. he was better off before calling the show
This was horrible advice. He has an issue with her being a stay at home mom. Yea and of course it will take longer to get to his financial goals if he is carrying the whole household. What do you expect? They need to discuss if she is going to stay at home permanently or not coz its clearly the source of resentment.
The wage she would earn would barely cover daycare expense anyway. She could get all this dudes money via child support if she wanted. It costs a fortune in child support when the woman doesn't work.
Whoever says that marriage is just a piece of paper has no clue what they are talking about. Wait until you are actually married, it changes everything!
If this was pre-covid19, I would agree that she should go back to work at least part time. But now school is so unreliable. One minute they are open, the next it's back to online schooling. Its the perfect time to have the conversation with his wife. He should let her know that staying at home works for the family now but it won't work out for the next 14 years, it is not financially doable. Help her come up with a plan.
Marriage is a partnership you provide she nurtures the money you bring in is 50 50 part of the reason you are so successful is because she is doing so much for you behind the scenes.
“Stop asking am I where I want to be and start asking am I who I want to be? Get that figured out and everything else will take care of itself.” -Ken Coleman That’s one heck of a quote!
I have no regrets that I stayed single. Like Goldie Hawn said " its one thing to be a bird in a cage with e door open, its another to be in one with the door closed".
I don’t agree with this advice that the caller just need to accept everything the way it is. Why don’t they just sit down and really talk about this? Like “Hey honey, I love you, and we have been together so long and have an amazing child and life together. I want to marry you and share the rest of my life with you. However, I have to say, I would really hope that you can start working again so we can save more money, and build an even nicer future for us as a family. This means a lot to me. Do you see yourself being able to do that? Even if it’s just a part time job to get things started? I would love you even more if you can get there with me.” If the caller cannot have this conversation with the wife, then there’s really not much of a point to get married.
Ken hit the nail on the head, sort-of. I think the caller feels satisfied with what he is bringing to the table financially, but feels that as a unit, there is room for improvement and his gf could be doing more to improve their financial posture. I'm not suggesting she isn't contributing, she is absolutely contributing in ways that you can't quantify, but that's not what the caller wants.
Nothing is wrong with being a stay at home mom as long as both partners are on board. Sounds like they aren’t communicating well enough to understand each other’s sides. We had the same issue until we sat down and talked. I’m a stay at home mom, with a husband that supports us and is very proud to be doing so!
I think he resents her since he is working for all this money, only to have her stay at home and watch the kid. Watching a kid is a full time job and a half. Assuming she takes all home roles, she's a maid, chef, child carer, etc. It's a lot all in one. Slapping a ring on her finger won't make it any better. If you want her to also make some money to have a double home income, hire a babysitter (will be a lot more expensive) and ask her to work.
Good analysis Ken, that sounds right. I know everyone is beating up this guy, but it takes a lot to admit all these feelings and know where they stem from. This guy at least is willing to work on his issues, most just ignore them. So good for him.
I will never understand why people hesitate to get married but they don’t hesitate to create a child that they will have to take care of for at least 18 years. Call me crazy but a child sounds like a much bigger commitment than marriage.
Children don't take half of everything when they leave.
Yeah, instead they take all and then still leave lolol
I never understood that either. I think it's more of a narcissistic thing in some people. A child you can mold. You can't mold another adult and narcissistic people can't stand that. They don't want the responsibility of worrying about the needs and feelings of an adult with their own needs, feelings, and desires. It's hard to disappoint a child...when all they know is you (as the adult taking care of them) at least until they get out in the world and meet other people. You can easily disappoint an adult you are in a relationship with.
@@lisacox3750
Not that deep.
The child wasn't planned, the end
This!
Mistake number one having a child with someone you have no idea if you want to deal with them for the rest of your life.
not if that someone is billionaire and doesn't ask you to sign a prenup before marriage. kaching.
It's the classic bait and switch. Happens every day. And of course the guys aren't going to be honest, they can't be for multiple reasons (these two and Anthony all know what's up).
@@generallordjowbra8871 how is it bait and switch? Mainly the dude decides to bust a nut inside. Being responsible takes you a long way
@@generallordjowbra8871 hm. so girls should protect themselves from this situation by not sleeping around or God forbid cohabitating.
@@Netokrate absolutely. It can, and sometimes does, happen the other way around.
and THIS ladies and gentlemen is a conversation to be had BEFORREEE having kids and getting married.
40% of children are unplanned. Our species depends on accidental pregnancy. If everyone waited until they were ready to have kids willingly, our population would collapse.
@@carultch "Our species depends on accidental pregnancy. If everyone waited until they were ready to have kids willingly, our population would collapse."
The world is overpopulated bud. If those 40% of unplanned children were never conceived the world would actually be a better place. Ever been to San Francisco, Los Angeles, New York, or Chicago?
Its been 11 years, he's trying to act ignorant
Come to India
If you don't want her to be a stay at home mom just say it. Who cares what they think
This is why you don't shack up ladies. He doesn't want to marry her after 11 years even after having a child together.
While I can respect your position, I would like to add that not everyone believes in the concept of marriage. I know many couples who have wonderful, long lasting relationships without having the gov't involved in their familial affairs.
Not saying it's good or bad, just thought I'd make the point. In addition, you don't know why this guy didn't want to marry her, for all we know he could have a valid reason for it.
@@DHFlip18 “...without having the govt involved in their familial affairs” 🤦🏾♀️ listen, EVERYTHING about this government benefits the married individual. Just say you don’t wanna get married or legally bind yourself to one person forever because you may change your mind later on and it’ll be difficult to just leave if you have to go through the courts to divorce. Stop putting play on “the govt” and just acknowledge that it’s you. I know people who were with people for decades, they broke up and met someone else and got married within 4 months. It’s all about who you want to be legally bound to. That’s it, that’s all.
@@kenyattaknox5163 I'll make this simple:if it were that, I'd say so. Commitment to one person isn't my issue. I said the gov't involvement because that's what I meant. Stop assuming.
What if 10,000 women marched down to the family courts to protest unfair man-hating laws and captain-save-a-ho judges?
What’s in it for a man to marry in today’s world? Nothing. It’s all for women.
who dates someone for 11 years. Do not have kids with someone who does not want to marry you before you have kids. thats ridiculous they basically been a married couple.
Love your channel Ericka! I listen to your videos for entrepreneurial motivation ❤️
Yeah, that's what a woman would say. No man worth anything would ever get married.
@@badass6300 studies show that men are much happier when married and their overall life improves. the opposite is true for women.
@@salb5610 better bachelor is the channel, many of times has he shown studies that single men are happier, while childless and/or single women are unhappy.
Someone who has been divorced 😆
His girlfriend is crazy to be a stay at home if they’re not married. If that relationship fails, how is she going to support herself? She has no legal rights to anything. Not smart.🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️🤷🏿♀️
I agree with you. Between these comments and the hosts advice, if they aren’t married, they should have encouraged him to encourage her to get a job to help out and when they get married, she can stay at home. I didn’t agree with their advice
A gal at work was taking up a collection to give to her babysitter. The babysitter had a kid by her live-in boyfriend and then he died. She was left with the kid and a job as a babysitter. Women, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH SOMEONE YOU AREN'T MARRIED TO!
jc Arizona OMG!🤭🤭🤭 That’s heartbreaking to hear. That would truly be the worst case scenario in a situation like this. You are right.
In some states a domestic partner has many right almost like being married. Specially after being together for that long.
@@onehope2587 I think that's probably true in California.
He is projecting his own disappointment and resentment onto her. He hit the nail on the head!
He missed a lot out. They've been married 10 years but the kid is only 4. Did she work full-time and contribute for the 6 years prior? And does she plan to go back to work once the kid is older and in school?
LDT7Y he said he thought she’d be back at work when the kid was 6 months old, then a year old. Now the kid is 4. Sounds like she made the decision.
Ok, just trying to decipher whether she was the driven, hard working career type before the baby. If not, then he can't really complain that she's now staying at home. If she did a complete 180 and went from a 9-to-5, equally contributing partner to 'now I have a baby so I'm staying home', then he'd have more reason to be annoyed and feel cheated. But either way, it sounds like they are terrible at communicating and he isn't/wasn't assertive in laying out what his expectations are/were.
I personally think when a child is young it is far better for the mother to be around constantly. Doesn't mean she can't do a side hustle from home, but at 4 years old her main job should be as mother. Once he's in school full time, she should go back to work unless they are having more kids or he's a millionaire and can easily cover everything. There just isn't enough manual housework to constitute a full time role as 'housewife' these days. I'm in a large old victorian home by myself most of the time and easily fit chores around a full time career and small home business. So I'm not sure what she would do all day once the kid is at school.
@@LDT7Y That first paragraph; yes. I agree. They should've discussed that beforehand.
You have no idea if that’s the case. The questions weren’t asked - did they discuss her going back to work, how does her staying at home impact their shared financial goals, does she consume more than she contributes in kind
If he resents her now, it will intensify after the vows. He resents her for having to raise a child that he obviously wasn't ready for.
I'll be honest, I still resent my ex for having our son and he's almost 13 😆. I Never wanted to be a dad nor a husband, and I made that perfectly clear. She even agreed, but then she changed her mind without my consent (insert evil plot here). I'm a free spirit by nature, and though I divorced her, I could never get our son out of my life. And yes, of course I love him but in my heart I never wanted to be in this role.
@@DHFlip18 Should have had the snip dude ✂️
@@scotttracy9333 At 22, and risk the chances of having something go wrong... No thanks.
I was dating a girl and made myself perfectly clear. Considering my age I think it wss understandable.
@@DHFlip18 if you weren't willing to do birth control, it sounds like it was YOUR evil plot to have a baby.
@@DHFlip18 You never wanted to be a father, but you didn't take any responsibility in the matter? You left the ball in her court.
I understand wanting to stay at home with the kid, but she cannot rely on this man that won’t even marry her after 11 years and a kid. She needs to work to be able to care for herself and her child because he doesn’t seem like he’s in it for the long run.
she needs to leave this fake relationship
Thank you. I was waiting to hear some accountability on her part.
@@ceciliapreziose3783 he needs to leave that freeloader
She’s strong and independent right? She got this 🤣
Bt y? What's the difference in being married and what they have now?? It's jus dat after marriage half his stuff will b hers if one day she wakes up one fine morning thinking she wants smtin different I call this guy smart
Oh look at their faces. 11 years and a kid and not married. You know what is coming.
Kid probably isn’t even his
If they break up, all he’ll have to pay is child support. She won’t be entitled to spousal support.
Not divorce😂
@@dete503 BETA!!!
@@swoopes7777 JLP REPRESENT!
Lessons to learn from this video:
-don't shack up before marriage
-Marriage then kids
- Be clear on finances/ roles I.e. 50/50 or traditional
-Don't be with a man who doesnt make it known soon where he wants the relationship/ future to be like with you
Not moving in together before getting married is a HUGE risk
@@mmmmmmmm1942 No...it's not, that's a juvenile POV
lesson to learn. no matter what never get married and dont let someone be lazy and not work just because they had a kid. no free rides in this world
This guy hates his life as a sole provider wait until he gets divorced and has alimony.
Exactly.
Yup, that's why I tell people to avoid marriage. I'm lucky, I worked it out so my ex wife only receives $25/mo. Oddly enough, she's the one who earned more because I put her through school while working two jobs myself.
RIGHT
@@DHFlip18 nice one buddy! Sorry you had to fork out for the schooling, but hey, you’re out of it now! Boom! 🙌🙌🙌
@@alandbs329 Thanks. Lesson learned 😆
If you need to "accept" that role, that role is not for you mate, you gonna hate her guts.
@brown bird AND.... She does not want to hold down a job outside the house. She has "it made"! 😂
He’s been leading , he just wants a little help that’s all
Well said
I would if she were my partner. Only way I’d be okay with it is if she has passive income coming in from other investments
@@dannyv2230 💯
Stop knocking her up.
💁
Dee A. If he moves out and breaks up, mission accomplished
Gotta get that nut
Yeah, he was man enough to knock her up but not man enough to marry her? Sad!
😅🤡
Nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom. In this case, it’s totally wrong because both of these people are not on the same page. This is where the resentment comes from.
Exactly! If they can’t find a compromise, they will either continue to be together and his resentment will grow or they split and she has to work anyway. If this is the ONLY issue, I hope they can find a happy medium.
Maria Puccio yeah so that’s why they need to talk and compromise. Even if she gets child support, she will still have to work. Hopefully they can figure it out and hopefully there is some love left instead of resentment and just becoming comfortable.
I don't see a reason why one parent can't take a day shift and the other takes a night shift at work. Problem sloved.
There's better advice for this man in the comment section than what these two guys gave him
He lacks a spine that’s why he resents her
Dave would say: "what's your annual income?"
Dave would tell him to grow up and make it official.
Yes He would say when are you getting married?
"Sell the car"
"My issue is with my girlfriend"
'Sell the girlfriend's car too then"
@@AlyssaTaylor9 😂👏
“Deliver some pizzas”
This isn't a Dave Ramsey show question this is a therapist question lol
StripesofShay Hahahha Hahha I thought the same thing, and he still asked what should he do lol 😂
Well he’s resentful because he feels like she’s not pulling her weight financially so there’s that. Plus Dr. D is a counselor.
At least they answered and gave him the hard truth
@@esonon5210
This is why you marry before you shack up.
@@Etatdesiege1979 True. He should have put his foot down and told her she needs to work. She’s been unemployed for 4 years and it doesn’t even bother her.
This should be a lesson to all women. Do not have a child with a man that has not put a ring on your finger!
@@auroramothergoddess I love kids! Would have 10 if I could. To each their own.
What if they get you pregnant before marriage and you are pro life?
And don’t allow him to string you along or settle for any man that comes along.
Or trust a woman who says she’s on birth control and then informs you, not talk about, informs you she is going to be a stay at home mom.
Well honestly he seems like a pretty good recipient of constructive criticism...that’s a great start...hope that goes well.
That's a good way to look at this
I’m also good , I wouldn’t mind you’d like to be a stay home mom :)
I have been dating my boyfriend for 9 months now. He kept insisting that I move in. I told him when we get married I'll move in. There's no if it but about this decision.
I've been with mine 6 years. I told him if he doesn't at least propose soon then I will. If he says no to when I propose then I'm out. I'm not asking him to marry me now but at least be on the same page to commit to one another towards forever. You know what I mean?
@@JV-bc8um forever ? Sheeesh.
This! Stick with your boundaries, you won’t regret it.
@@JV-bc8um girl! 😮
No woman is living with me until we're married
Sometime the transition to an adult takes too long.
He grew up enough to get someone pregnant.
That girl should have gotten out of that relationship 11 years ago...
The guy shouldn't even let it get that far
yes. he acts like he just met her 2 months ago..
He should have put her out. She don't want to work
Is she actually being a stay at home mom or is she expecting him to work 12 hours and do half of the house work and all of the yard work? The DR team never actually asks the right questions because the majority of their audience is female and think like the commentor here. She can't have traditional gender roles where it benefits her and modern gender equity when it doesn't (and that's probably why he's resentful).
@@generallordjowbra8871 Noone ever address this point
This doesn’t sound like a guy who needs to get married anytime soon. Like, maybe not ever.
Poor kid, right? Imagine growing up and hearing your dad talk about your mom like this.
kxlot79 he needs to grow up and take responsibility real quick. If he thinks he can just walk away now he’ll be paying child support for the next 19 years, I don’t think he’ll be happy with that either. He has to make a decision soon
He is already married. He just doesn't know yet
Rodrigo Gatti yeah, but lets be real there are major differences and implications if he gets legally married before he’s ready to commit & be sure its for him.
Sounds like she needs to go back to work and take on some of the financial burden herself.
I think I missed something. Shouldn’t being a stay at home parent be a two person discussion and decision, not just one person deciding?
I agree!
For the Christians lol
It absolutely should be a discussion!! 🙌🏾
Yes
Never is... that few months for the child always grows. Then another child, then another, and her ever going back to work before the kids graduate high-school is a memory.
A lot of these calls (and therefore maybe of all financial problems in general) are the result of thinking with the lower head rather than the actual head.
It's sad that so many men resent their children. I can tell you the same men who complain about supporting their child, have no problem asking that child for help when they are grown.
@@NotAFanOfHandles Let me add, these men who don't want to take care of their children, still want to be taken care of by their mommy.
Being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job. If he thinks that putting the kid into day care and his spouse working is going to lead to some financial breakthrough he is in for a rude awakening.
How’s that my wife makes 1200 a week and daycare is 135 a week I make 2000 a week so going from 2000 a week to 3065 sounds like a no brainer plus my wife is a little more sane for staying home with a whining crying shitting spitting up kid for 50 hours
@@TheMechanicj well you guys got lucky, daycare in my area is anywhere from 350 to 550 a week. I plan to go back to work when baby is starting school, in the mean time I decided to go back to school as well.
@@TheMechanicj you're making insane money and getting daycare for dirt cheap.. your weekly income is what many people make a month..and most of us pay a few hundred a week for daycare
@@Lady.Luck. So your making 24-36,000 annually? That is more of a choice than anything. Almost any other job will pay more than that. Getting an education and a stable start to a good paying career should come before having children. Of course childcare is expensive. That should not be a surprise. That should be looked into before having children as well.
@@bliss13s78 not sure which area of the country you're in but the median income in my area is 32k. So it's definitely not most any other job...
You’ve been together for 11 years? How are you not already married?😂
Some people are happier not being married.
Lauren Farris yeah but an 11 year relationship living together with a child is basically being married at that point
Mason Martochko - Personal Finance yes, but that doesn’t mean they have to get married.
If they got married then she would lose out on all those wonderful, taxpayer funded benefits she gets from her state and federal governments.
@@zoeyzoey19 what's different between a piece of paper and not?
Also,
He doesn’t want to take care of a woman who had no standards.
He doesn’t value her.
They've been playing house 9 years and he's surprised that he's got a woman that wants to be a housewife?
He was getting the milk for free so he feels no need to buy the cow.
Riiiigggghhhht!
Don't give it away before marriage.
Yep thats why I did not live with my husband before getting married. I will NOT play house unless you put a ring on this finger.
Buying the cow can cost you everything you owned and in lots of cases what you will own. It’s the worst contract in the history of the world.
@Mack Bach That’s false. Marriages are more likely to stay together when you wait.
"The problem is you aren't where you want to be" Straight facts!
That man was so wise and so spot on
What, a wife taking care of your kid, the house and you? Wow outrageous dude! How you can you live like this?
Tf you mean she needs to produce an income. Then he can live without resentment
I agree, what a disgusting wife...making sure that baby has a home to come to! She needs to be cancelled.
Feminism LOVES to project!
@@peacheskong2245 how about producing an income so there is a house
@@richardcarlson8272 Ever hear about the dad working full time?
I think they need to come to an agreement. Seems like she decided she wanted to stay home but he was not in agreement with that. They need to have a long talk about how they want their family dynamic. One person can’t decide how 2 people are going to go about their lives. They need counseling.
Amen 🙏 Let them come to a decision together, even if that decision ends up being their current situation. Now more wandering into situation after situation. More decision making and principles are to be had.
I actually applaud this guy for being able to recognize how he feels about the situation. Maybe make a compromise that once the child goes to school she can work. I think it makes sense when they're young but it's hard to provide for a family's needs on one income these days. One of those sacrifices you have to live through when you have a child.
I have to say i love that my wife is a stay at home mum, she is so happier and heather without the stress of work, try it if you can!
That would be nice but basically a luxury in this day and age for one income to accommodate everything needed for a family
I work a regular job and am still healthy and happy. Nothing to do with working/not working. A bad job can make you stressed, but otherwise it's down to the individual and their personality. But if you're earning a good enough wage to cover both of you then great. A lot of people need two incomes for even a basic lifestyle.
If you both agreed upon it it’s great but when one just assumes the role for years and doesn’t put anything in when you’re possibly in need of it then it’s going too be super frustrating when your putting in the work but see nothing in return
Not true. My husband makes less than 50K a year (we live in a low-income area), we have six kids, and I stay at home to homeschool, take care of the littles, house, homestead (animals and growing food), hubby, etc. We have been making one tiny income work from the beginning (the hubby made a lot less at the beginning. We didn't have 6 kids then either, of course! Lol!). The key is to live BELOW your means. That means cars you pay for outright instead of payments, and a house we don't pay a mortgage on. No, they are not the nicest, fanciest, most Pinterest perfect things, but we own them and are beholden to no one. Most people put themselves in debt because they think they HAVE to live at a set standard. You don't need a brand new car, it just needs to work and be maintained. You don't need a $250,000 house (again, we're in a low-income area, so $250,000 is RIDICULOUSLY expensive for a house... or anything for that matter...) save your money and buy something outright or to have a much larger down payment and smaller mortgage payments. Maybe just buy a smaller house? For some reason, everyone thinks they have to put themselves in massive debt. Really isn't necessary if you lower your standards. Upgrade over time as you can afford to if you feel it's necessary.
Try not work if you can? Lol love the advice man
He spoke up on something others probably struggle with. I'm glad he talked about it! That shows the desire to grow :) hope they do well!!
He isn't even ashamed to call her gf after 11 years and a child out of wedlock. We need to bring back shaming of having kids out of wedlock. Caller is a joke.
@NurturingTalents Nah, they are just playing marriage.
My sis in law is a stay at home mom who: does not cook for the family (2 small kids), doesn’t clean the house...the kids is a mess and the house is filthy...my bro would come home from his shift and do whatever he could. If that is the type of “stay at home mom” then the caller should be resentful...a stay at home mom who actually take care of the house, the kids and her husband is a gift. What kind of man wouldn’t want to come home from a long day of work to a hot meal to eat and his kids and house are well rounded?
Your sis in law sounds like my cousin's ex wife. I understand with two small children sometimes its hard to get it all done but his wife would leave the baby in the crib all day and not bother to clean.
It won’t change as the kids get older either.
That sounds like my ex-wife. She stated that she wasn't going to do anything anymore or help pay for anything because she was liberated. That lasted until she realized she was unnecessary. Her next 3 marriages also ended in divorce.
support her maybe she is suffering in silence like depression !!!
Probably in depression.
Well if this dude doesn’t want his gf staying home he can just HIRE someone to watch his kids since he thinks that’s “free labor”.
Exactly. That about 300-500 a week. Men always seem think kids don’t cost anything when the mom is the one doing it all
It’s not just men these days, most of my girlfriends wonder why I don’t have grad degree debt and a high earning job to pay it off. My married friends understand we are saving for a family, and I would rather raise my kids than pay for someone else to do it. To each their own but to me there’s no more important work than parenting. What’s great is not everyone feels this way, we all do our parts to make society better. Diversity is key.
Yes at least he will pay 2k a month to take care his kid
Yes big kuddos to Eric for being honest about how he was feeling and wanting to head it off at the pass!
There's zero sense in sending a GOOD mother into the workforce when she could be at home. The benefits of a mother being able to raise her children are PRICELESS. He's not a provider. Nothing wrong with that. Some men are, some men aren't. I'm glad John told him to grow up. Great advice from John as usual.
He should've told here he's not a provider from the beginning. A good mother at home is PRICELESS !!!!!!👍🏾👍🏾
nothing wrong with two parent house hold more money
Lol maybe the kids will have a college fund for them if she chipped in her part
It’s okay to be a stay at home mom if both parents agree. It’s equally okay to have both parents working if they agree. It does make sense to send the mom to work if they agree and if they don’t snd their relationship fails, she will have to go to work as a single mom or he will still work as a single dad. They have to form their own type of relationship which is okay.
@@zero1188 Raising your kids is more important than money
You’re 34 my dude you’ve been with her since 23. Being a stay at home mom is perfectly reasonable if you can afford it which you probably can. Get married and provide for your family. This is a new and exciting chapter in your life, but it requires discipline and responsibility. You can do it!
It’s not exciting and don’t lie to men.
@@ryanmcdaniels5014 Raising kids isn't exciting?
@@ENCwwe He’s falling into the “Manosphere”. They reject all responsibility for not being liked and blame others (often women)
- marriage is a trap
- she will divorce you for money
- nobody truly likes you. They just want your labour
Etc, etc.
He’s the victim and everyone is the villain
It’s exiting to pay all the bills and have to pick up overtime weekly to afford those bills? Exiting to live check to check cause the girl don’t wanna work ? If so yes be a blast
Sounds like he wants the kid, but not the woman.
DING DING DING! When he spoke about combining finances in the household, he was asking permission to put up some boundaries like splitting up the finances again so he could get himself together. He doesn’t see them as a team. Its unfortunate. 11yrs, a kid and a household.
It doesn't sound like he wants the kid either. He ended up here by accident with no plan and wants out, mid life crises came early.
@@AO-nr7kl Exactly!
@Mack Bach The men I know that went into marriage with eyes wide open and wanted kids are happy. Those that fell into marriage with someone without a plan are the ones that are miserable.
My wife raises our two little girls and I wouldn’t trade that because there isn’t a person better suited on this earth to do so. Having my wife stay home was a conscientious decision by both of us. I do struggle with the same resentment of romanticizing staying at home as if staying home is an easy job! My wife runs the house, bills, kids, and has figured out how to bring money home monthly with part time teaching! Dang women! However, I often compare the difficulties and stress of my job with her’s as a stay at home mother unfairly. I’ll sometimes be jealous when I hear my wife had fun with the girls that day, wow how selfish of me? My job is grueling and is stressful, however, I should never be upset that my wife is loving our girls well. I could change jobs any time I want too, cowboy up and deal with it like a man! It’s human nature to be selfish and want your best interests and how you deal with your feelings will greatly impact your development. One thing is for certain, both spouses need to agree on the decision together. Stay at home spouse, great. Both spouses carrier driven, awesome. Just make sure you agree!
There are a few differences between your situation and the caller. You and your wife made a mutual decision for her to stay at home, the caller did not do this with his girlfriend. Since they're not married, he's just just taking care of his unemployed roommate. I assume he's calling because he's struggling financially, which doesn't sound like the same was going on with you. Your wife was bringing in some sort of income and updating her skills, the caller's girlfriend is not. If he decides to leave her today, she will only be entitled to child support. She's setting herself up for financial failure. What they should have done is irrelevant now because it already happened, they have to focus on what they can do now.
@@esonon5210 I listened to this same conversation, and nowhere in it did the caller say that he and his girlfriend did not choose this. Also, nowhere in the conversation did he say that she isn't "doing anything to bring some sort of income or updating her skills". You totally projected that out of thin air.
@@charityclark7910 You clearly didn't listen to the same conversation that I did.
The real question is what is his household income? All presenters should make this a standard question for ALL calls to the Dave Ramsey show.
@Mack Bach She’s NOT being lazy! She’s running a household and raising his kid!! 😒
@ Mack Bach There’s way more to being a homemaker than that. It’s a full time job with no end. You obviously don’t have a clue what you are talking about.
Sounds like he feels trapped. Zero reason to have the state sanction the relationship.
Thats what I heard too
John Lester maybe he sees the writing on the wall that this woman will divorce him in the future. Literally nothing to gain from marriage at this point.
@David Kopp Maybe, just maybe he's entirely to blame for hitting it raw and not getting the snip snip.
That would be an awful idea. He should just give her the hard ultimatums. Get a job or leave...
Zero reason to ever do that.
She tried to make him commit by getting pregnant but apparently it didn't work. My goodness man!
BINGO! That's exactly what happened. This happens way too often and many times it backfires on the woman. Many times the man still doesn't marry her even after the kid(s).
A stupid game wins stupid prizes.
Dude probably got that vibe and it left a bad taste
Being a stay at home
Parent should be a family decision. Sounds like she just didn’t want to go back to work and he had no say in the matter. She’s wrong for that.
Yes, that's the respectful thing to do, but sometimes people just assume lifestyles. My mom assumed she would be a stay at home mom/wife after my oldest sister was born, but my dad didn't allow it. Thankfully, I'm wise enough to have this conversation during the dating phase.
Thank God I live in Canada and get 18 months off for maternity leave. Thank God that my job is allowing me to return to work part time. And thank god I have a husband who provides a wonderful life for us and actually appreciates everything I do to take care of our child, take care of the house, cook all of our meals, manage our finances, etc.
God.. thank you for my husband... he has been supporting me all the time. He knows that our family unity is more important that financial matters.
If your husband can financially support you that’s good but they didn’t talk about his finances at all. this man may be living from check to check. There’s a reason why he wants her to go back to work, he’s carrying that financial burden, a man who makes enough money to take care of the house does it without a second thought.
@@melodymakingmelodies4896 a man who makes enough money to take care of the house does it without a second thought.
THAT was BEFORE NOW.....a Wise man shouldnt accept that, women are entitled to change their mind anytime soon an a man can end up paying her lifestyle without any benefits, women have careers and Jobs as men....is 50/50...otherwise no cohabitation ...not children with a woman
God bless your husband. I think it's great he can provide for the household, and you can provide a home for him.
When you both can contribute it’s beautiful. I’ve been supportive of my partner while he was in college jobless and now he has a great career. But I also work and earn my own. 9 years together + two babies. We’re not married. Bless you and yours :)
This is why you have kids AFTER you are married. It's fine if you wait for a few years before you make a marriage decision, it's a legal binding contract. Make sure it's right for both of you. If it's not, then pull the eject seat and get out!
You’re basically already married dude.
Kind of. I don't think PA has common law marriage anymore. He obviously is responsible for child support, but technically not much else.
I was really shocked when i heard together 11 years with a 4 year old son. This isn't 'we just got married and we had an unplanned pregnancy', this is 'I built a life but I think it could have been better if I made different choices a decade ago'
Not really, he can still walk, marriage is harder to walk away.
Ha you beat me to it Casey!
Naomie B. Exactly. If the original plan was for her to return to work and now after four years she’s still at home, then just think how little control he’ll have once a piece of paper makes it harder to leave.
Having a stay at home Mom is a gift...
This is all about his fears & shortcomings of being able to handle his end of the deal financially.
Our economy is so far away from being able to support an entire family with 1 income
Stay at home mom don’t know the value of money sometimesss
Yeah a gift which eats up the majority of your income, then demands you do chores at home because "equality".
Not necessarily. It could be a gift or a curse depending on the person.
@@Lady.Luck.False. We live on one income. Many families do it.
This guy was not ready for child and definitely not ready for a wife hence still not committing after 11 years. He clearly does not want any of that responsibility.
I really hope he can come to accept the changes that have occurred. I hope he realises that he had as much to do with these changes as his gf. She does not deserve that resentment.
Also, he needs to clearly communicate to the gf that she needs to get a job or something part time.
Yup, if he does not want to commit to her then go your separate ways! Not fair to either party.
Man, of all the comments, these two make the most sense.
Snowflakes! They don’t want to take any responsibility
It’s a man responsibility to provide for his wife and kids.
That shouldn’t be a question tho .
Taylor Anne You can still provide for your family while your wife works. My parents did this, my father worked but so did my mother and my mom practically raised us by herself while working full time with my father being out of town every week. If the caller wants to do it 1950’s style and be the breadwinner with a wife at home then he can submit himself to that and go over what her duties are as a stay at home wife however if that’s not what he wants then it should be address 💯
Hey Ruby, how would you feel about supporting a stay at home dad? Gives a little perspective here...
If he wants her to work, he needs to communicate that to her and why. BEFORE he married her. Mom’s and Dad’s both have a financial responsibility to their kids.
Exactly!!!!
Because anything else would be irresponsible.
If he decided to leave the relationship tomorrow, She'd be responsible for providing financial support to her child, as much as he is.
They aren’t married
Nope. A man doesn't have to carry a child, give birth, get stretch marks, gain weight, risk his life and set himself up for future problems (postpartum depression, complications, etc.) The VERY LEAST A MAN CAN DO IS PROVIDE. He literally has ONE JOB.
_BibleBeltBelle Wow! The pressure of having that on a mans shoulders can be hefty. Especially if the woman he’s married to spends money faster than he can make it. Women know what they’re getting into when having kids. If they don’t want what comes with it, then don’t have any. He has dreams for his life too. Besides that, men can have their own set of medical issues - urological ones - that can be far worse than what a lot of women go thru. How about having some compassion?
Buttered Bread - I am aware - it was a typo on my part.
I never wanted to be a stay at home parent, but I used to like the idea of having a partner that was. Having someone cook, clean, and stay with the kid to avoid expensive daycare sounds nice. It shouldn't be something that's looked down on. Never had kids though, so it doesn't matter now.
I definitely get being a full time stay at home mom for the first few years, but once the kid is in school there’s no reason she can’t pick up at least a part time job.
She should WANT to at least pick up a part time job, or do something when the child is old enough. Otherwise, she is just lazy.
Speaking Truths that’s super judgmental. Homemaking is a legitimate occupation, and is not lazy.
@Mack Bach in addition to running kids to activities, helping with homework, getting kids ready for the next day at school and bedtime routine, baths, etc. Being a stay at home job is a lot more work than going to a job outside of the home. I’ve done both.
@Mack Bach guess you’ve never listened to Dr. Laura LOL!
@Mack Bach wow, she’s been around for a long time. She has a radio show and podcast. Check her out because she gives good advice.
Like Dave says before getting married make sure of these 4 things
1. Finances
2. Kids
3. Family involvement
4. Beliefs/religion
I’m pretty sure if they breakup today, he would be a deadbeat to that child “out of resentment”.
She could get a part time job. Would still have time to be with a kid and make some extra cash
Not if they have to pay for daycare
Yes, however if they have to pay for daycare, all or the majority of that paycheck goes towards that bill. Sometimes it’s just better to be a stay at home parent.
Isn't there one more year before the kid goes to school? Once they go to school, a part time job should be more straightforward to manage
It’s not the 1950s anymore. Living life has become much more expensive. It’s all about the household income now. Choose your partner wisely!
Sure it has nothing to do with people overspending
@@MarksTournaments Did he say it had NOTHING to do with overspending? You know there can be multiple factors that make that happen, right?
It's as expensive as you want to make it. Stop with the excuses.
@@LG123ABC You must be colorblind
This show is becoming a counseling show.
There’s resentment because he’s tired of pulling the financial weight. The kid is 4, going to school pretty soon and realistically, mom should be considering going back to work.
EDIT: 70% of mothers in this country work full or part time. The child is old enough to be in preschool with kids his age. The days of a mother staying home for a decade to watch one child get off the school bus are long gone.
We homeschool so we live on one income now. However once our kids are old enough to watch themselves I plan on getting at least a part time job to help out. Unless the perfect job comes across my path before then.
@NurturingTalents guaranteed that she wants to be an unmarried "stay at home mom" to keep the government benefits flowing.
@NurturingTalents private school is no bttr. Teach your kids value at home.
NurturingTalents No one said anything about public school. Most children benefit from socializing with kids their age. And Homeschooling really is best if you have 2 or more children. How would you expect a 5 yr old to make friends or develop social skills...
Nick J well they aren’t married so that doesn’t apply.
If she can’t love you without a ring, she won’t love you with one either. And brother if she ain’t contributing so you can have financial security, she don’t love you.
He resents her because she never asked him to be a stay at home mother she just did it. Now he has to deal with the consequences of that loss of income. I feel bad for him, he should not be guilted into marrying her.
To me he sounds like an indecisive person who doesn’t know what he wants from life and he is 34, what for making this public when all he needs to do is to have a discussion with his woman abt their future and the future or their son, btw it must be horrible for a kid that daddy doesn’t want to marry mommy; it would be nice to know the other side too, for sure he isn’t saying everything, like why would she decide to stay home after 4 years, usually women are eager to get back to work, dependency feels awful, maybe the kid has issues etc and it’s a temporary situation, we don’t know anything basically
He can always find a stay-at-home wife and kid in his "money budget" the way he found them in his "time budget." I wonder if his budget is on paper, that would probably ground him on how possible it all is and he can stop over-worrying.
I was thinking somewhat similar idea. Can he afford it? If his gf goes back to work, then there will be added expenses and they may not be much further ahead. I have not at this moment watched the whole video to see if he understands and appreciates what a stay at home mom contributes
How she stayed for 11 years with no ring is beyond me. He should be worshipping her patience.
Marriage shows I’m committed to you no matter what... Men need to stop being weak and lay down your life for a woman.
????
Old order thinking 🤔 this man living in 1900s
Amen sir. You are a respectable man. Thank you.
no marriage is a business not love. you are 100 percent wrong. this man is looking at it from a logical unemotional perspective. you might not be able to understand this
zero marriage is not a business because a product or service is not being sold. Marriage is a life long commitment and it’s say I’m willing to give u my all even to the point of losing all my assets if I can’t fulfill that promise. Don’t let the media or this society weaken u. BE STRONG
I stayed home with my son until he was 6,best decision.
then you did nothing. One parent should stay with the children until they are taught adult daily and monthly tasks and skills and have been taught a skill that would earn their bread one day. Neglecting your children to the education system is one of the worst things you can do.
@@badass6300 You think kids getting educated is bad?
@@raewynhaughton1585 I think kids should be educated, but proper education is needed and since the education system does NOT provide proper education it falls to parents and possibly private courses to do that.
A child should be an expert in a field by 18 and be more than employable in said field, know how the economic system works, all the chores and responsibilities of an adult, that's good parenting.
Instead, most parents think that just being kind to their kid and neglecting them to the education system means they are being good parents, while the child grows up to be useless.
The education system globally produces useless people if they do NOT self-educate from an early age and solely rely on said education system(both school and university).
People who solely follow the education system come out of universities and are barely good enough to get the bottom position jobs in the field they studied, many don't even get a job even though they did very well, if not excellent in school and university.
Wait, they didn't have these discussions before they had a kid and after 11 years🤔😕
The fact that this man said “I was hoping she’d get back to work after 6 months.” HOPING?! Yall didnt talk about it?? Yikes
Most people these days don't talk when they're dating. They spent more time talking off their clothes.
It's certainly different for every household, but honestly I feel for the caller! I would 100% feel resentment if I was working full-time and my husband did not bring in any sort of income - especially when our children went to school during the day. I and would feel very uncomfortable if the roles were reversed and he was working full-time and I was not during much productivity-wise when the kids were in school. These sorts of goals and life plans need to be discussed before committing to a long-term relationship!
The comments on these threads drive me nuts. Anything mentioning a stay-at-home mom turns into anti women lazy user accusations. My first thought about the girlfriend staying home is that she has absolutely no protection since they aren't married and is simply unemployed. Not smart, IMO. I think HER situation is the raw deal at this point - except for the point that she is quite likely collecting some sort of government aide for her situation since they are not married, something no one got into on this call.
It is challenging for any family to have two full time working parents with young kids. It is tough financially for most families to have someone stay home. The reality is that most families do something in between. Why are more people/politicians/etc. not talking about FAMILIES? In a perfect world, there would be solid part time or odd shifting employment opportunities where parents could put together plans that keep them financially stable (and medically insured) while prioritizing time with their children. (Can you imagine the difference it would make in children's lives if both parents worked 3/4 or 4/5 time, maybe four days a week, with the kids going to daycare 3 days, spending one day with dad, one day with mom, and two days as an entire family each week?)
I also think there should be some sort of "pre-parenting agreement" kind of like a pre-nup where couples could work out a plan and protections be put in place to protect all parties. I'm so glad I had a spouse that worked WITH me to make a workable plan for our family. And, yes, sometimes that meant I stayed home so he could travel and work odd hours to further his career. It also meant when he got his career to a point with more flexibility he carried more of the load at home sometimes so I could get mine back on track.
Every one of these calls I listen to makes me so thankful that I don't have kids, am not married, and won't be doing either of those things. Ever. All I see is disaster all around.
😂😂
Erik, your wife has been a stay-at-home mom for the past four years. It's her turn to be the breadwinner and for you to be a stay-at-home dad. It's only fair. 🙃
In all honesty... full-day kindergarten is around the corner. Meaning a two household income is around the corner.
Bet she gets pregnant again soon.
And this is why I am happy to be single! Too many losers out there that don't want to commit.
Very true.
Are you worth committing too? I hope you ask yourself that question in return.
👏
@@iamjackscompletelackofsurp5858 yes i am great all my exes says so.. i broke up with their uselessness
Good thing Dave Ramsey is not hear to hear this call..Do I get married??? The answer is YES
Right? I saw the title in a notification and clicked to see Dave rip in to him.
Please stop telling people to get married when most of them are getting divorced.
No
He thinks she needs to pull her weight
Do you disagree, and think she doesn't need to pull her weight?
She does pull her weight by staying at home. Raising Their child
Taking care of a infant/toddler is not a cake walk. She can work on part-time, maybe depending on household income at present
I'd rather work full-time than work part- time AND also the homemaker. Thats a raw deal!! HARD PASS
@@davidbown2707 bum
Being a homemaker and a SAHM is a full-time job. That being said that means you clean, cook, and take care of your husband as well. That doesn’t mean the husband shouldn’t pitch in. The husband and father needs to embrace/love being a good provider and realize it’s better to have a parents at home. I made sure I didn’t marry a man like this. I’ve had a career and a college education, but my husband is happier with me home. I cater my schedule to his and I’ve made my home a sanctuary.
God bless these men for giving it to him strait. I hope they can find their groove as a family.
I wonder if the problem stems from him feeling like it’s “his” money that he’s giving away and his family is leeching off of him. If he doesn’t get married he can still call the money “his”. Only selfish and un empathetic adolescents think that.
This boy needs to grow up and realize he made this situation for himself.
She needs to get a job.
@@adibe3902 She has a job. It’s the most important job in the world.
@Brenda McAlpine They did not discuss if she should be a stay at home mom or not. He may also be interested in being a stay-at-home dad while she supports them. It's not the '60s anymore, educate yourself. Both man and woman can take care of the kids while the other provides
Don't get married, this will be a disaster.
Dave Ramsay should have answered this one
Dave would have told him "by getting married next weekend, all his problems would go away!" Celebrate with beans & rice.
@@raallen1468 😂😂😂 yes. I wished Dave had been there.
Communication is Key!
the man looks at marriage as business. he is logically thinking a bout his decision as he should. all they did was shame him into conforming into something he probably didnt want. he was better off before calling the show
This was horrible advice.
He has an issue with her being a stay at home mom. Yea and of course it will take longer to get to his financial goals if he is carrying the whole household. What do you expect?
They need to discuss if she is going to stay at home permanently or not coz its clearly the source of resentment.
@Sherrell I like the person on the left when he talks with Dave coz he usually gives advice I agree with. He really blew this one.
The wage she would earn would barely cover daycare expense anyway. She could get all this dudes money via child support if she wanted. It costs a fortune in child support when the woman doesn't work.
Whoever says that marriage is just a piece of paper has no clue what they are talking about. Wait until you are actually married, it changes everything!
He liked getting the milk for free and now doesn't want to buy the cow.
So, does this mean he is renting or leasing the cow?
@@chrishaselden You gotta sell the cow
If this was pre-covid19, I would agree that she should go back to work at least part time. But now school is so unreliable. One minute they are open, the next it's back to online schooling. Its the perfect time to have the conversation with his wife. He should let her know that staying at home works for the family now but it won't work out for the next 14 years, it is not financially doable. Help her come up with a plan.
This!
This guy needs Jesus
Does he have a job available? Where is this Jesus guy?
I'm from this area and this is how all people think in this area anymore. It's all about being selfish and no responsibility
Marriage is a partnership you provide she nurtures the money you bring in is 50 50 part of the reason you are so successful is because she is doing so much for you behind the scenes.
“Stop asking am I where I want to be and start asking am I who I want to be? Get that figured out and everything else will take care of itself.” -Ken Coleman
That’s one heck of a quote!
Ken took the cake for me: “...ask am I WHO I WANT TO BE..”🙌🏽🙌🏽
Never have children without commitment of marriage.
I have no regrets that I stayed single. Like Goldie Hawn said " its one thing to be a bird in a cage with e door open, its another to be in one with the door closed".
I don’t agree with this advice that the caller just need to accept everything the way it is. Why don’t they just sit down and really talk about this?
Like “Hey honey, I love you, and we have been together so long and have an amazing child and life together. I want to marry you and share the rest of my life with you. However, I have to say, I would really hope that you can start working again so we can save more money, and build an even nicer future for us as a family. This means a lot to me. Do you see yourself being able to do that? Even if it’s just a part time job to get things started? I would love you even more if you can get there with me.”
If the caller cannot have this conversation with the wife, then there’s really not much of a point to get married.
Ken hit the nail on the head, sort-of. I think the caller feels satisfied with what he is bringing to the table financially, but feels that as a unit, there is room for improvement and his gf could be doing more to improve their financial posture. I'm not suggesting she isn't contributing, she is absolutely contributing in ways that you can't quantify, but that's not what the caller wants.
He wants a pack mule to carry the load.
Marry or move on. I piddled my feet for 4 years before marrying and wish I’d done it sooner.
Nothing is wrong with being a stay at home mom as long as both partners are on board. Sounds like they aren’t communicating well enough to understand each other’s sides. We had the same issue until we sat down and talked. I’m a stay at home mom, with a husband that supports us and is very proud to be doing so!
There’s a sucker guilt tripped every day.
This is what I needed to hear! Thank you caller and hosts!
I think he resents her since he is working for all this money, only to have her stay at home and watch the kid.
Watching a kid is a full time job and a half. Assuming she takes all home roles, she's a maid, chef, child carer, etc. It's a lot all in one.
Slapping a ring on her finger won't make it any better. If you want her to also make some money to have a double home income, hire a babysitter (will be a lot more expensive) and ask her to work.
You "watch" someone else's kid - you raise or parent your own. There's a huge difference!
Good analysis Ken, that sounds right. I know everyone is beating up this guy, but it takes a lot to admit all these feelings and know where they stem from. This guy at least is willing to work on his issues, most just ignore them. So good for him.