movies/tv shows in order they appear: 0:12 Turning Red (2022) 0:14 Miss Juneteenth (2020) 0:17 Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017) 0:19 Lady Bird (2017) 0:21 Fences (2017) 1:29 Mad Men (2007) 2:13 Bad Moms 2: A Bad Moms Christmas (2017) 3:46 The Joy Luck Club (1993)
@@CheyenneLin You should always be including citations or at the very least titles of media referenced. Video essays are no exception to maintaining academic integrity. It's to respect the original artists who created that work that you use in your videos, and it also helps people know what your sources are.
@@floofzykitty5072 It's true that it's more beneficial all around to have more information, but she didn't actually reference any of the dialogue or plot points from any of these shows/movies. She just included muted clips of them which, from the body language and context of the video, we can piece together what is happening with the characters if we haven't already seen it before. The video itself wouldn't be lacking any of the research Cheyenne did if these clips were removed. It's not something that needs to be "sourced" in this way seeing as how it's not a "professional" or "academic" piece of literature... it's a RUclips video. She's using these clips as fair use and is not claiming ownership of them. I do prefer the names of the movies being added (and the timestamps are definitely helpful to match which one is to which clip, of course!), but it's really not so serious in the first place to not have that. To insinuate she should do one thing or the other so as to not "disrespect" someone she is clearly not harming or disturbing in the first place is unfair and comes across as holier than thou, especially if (keyword if) you yourself aren't creating any similar content in the first place.
@@feliciaroseantonia I think it's similar to when people cite art used in written articles. Even if not referenced directly, they were used as a visual reference. I appreciate them amending it in the comments, but hopefully they'll remember next time around. :D
@@feliciaroseantonia Fair use and academic integrity aren’t actually that closely related in this context. Fair use is a legal concept. Of course it is also an ethical concept as most if not all laws are, but first and foremost it is used to determine if a use of copyrighted material requires the permission of the owner to be used. Academic integrity has no legal basis and is primarily an ethical concept that should be respected like you respect another persons’ rights. For example, journalists do not write articles that are peer reviewed and require detailed APA referencing, but ethically they should maintain academic integrity by citing their sources. In the context of a video essay where background footage is used more as a visual aid, academic integrity is more about respect for the original artists.
I think a lot of people don't realize that this isn't merely growing pains that come from being a child growing into a young adult and then into adulthood. This is a denial of autonomy, of personhood and of recognizing that you have the right to express yourself as you see yourself. This is someone constricting your freedom and the ways that you see yourself and just because that person gave birth to you or clothed you or fed you does not mean that you have to put up with their degradation. Everyone deserves the right to be free and autonomous and to express themselves how they see fit. No one deserves abuse. Abused people don't always hate their abuser; they hate themselves.
@@naomistarlight6178 reading comprehension is key here. OP didn’t make a sweeping generalization with their statement. You did with your interpretation. Read it again : Abused people DON’T ALWAYS hate their abuser; they hate themselves. That “dont always” is a clear indicator that this statement doesn’t apply to everyone.
@@btsarmyforever3816 loving unconditionally does not mean not discipline or letting the child get away with anything. It means not hurting your child or kicking them out or something similar for something the child cannot control, such as gender/sexuality or mental health stuff or neurodivergencies. That’s not a perfect explanation as those are only a few examples but that’s the basics
@@elfi643 even with things the child does somewhat control: interests, hobbies, partner (like Cheyenne mentioned), the parent should love unconditionally. But yeah, I agree, "unconditionally" doesn't mean the kid gets to go around being an a**hole
@@btsarmyforever3816 was gonna say the same thing. I keep trying to get this through my little brothers head. He’s awful to people but also super needy. I keep telling him that nobody is going to love you just for the fact that you exist. You can’t just use up everyone’s resources and not give them anything in return. And that doesn’t have to be a physical thing. It can be meeting the emotional needs of the people you rely on when they need it. But no. The only time he acts interested in anything anyone has to say is when he’s getting ready to ask for something.
the problem about being a kid is nobody takes you seriously, especially your parents. i don't think my parents realized until recently that i am my own person and not a trophy, pawn, or prop.
hell I'm 18, cut contact with my folks, pay my own bills, work hard (I'm aiming for a promotion), do literally everything from healthcare to rest the way an adult does, and people still don't take me seriously.
Cuz if they do take you seriously other people consider that an inappropriate relationship. Like people are dumb founded that i was able to justify my side with my mom like 8% of the time but thats cuz she wanted to teach me agency instead if being an obedient lil bitch who doesn’t stand up to oppression. Mom much rather me be difficult and cause our enemies problems than be easy to handle cuz she isn’t a coward.
and then they deny that treating a child like a doll or toy has any adverse affects on their psyche, putting all the blame on the child for being mistreated.
My parents were abusive but I still wasn't able to cut them off until I was almost 30 because the societal pressure of family being everything is so hard to overcome.
@@kalebgonzales4009 White, midwestern family. If I wanted to spend time with friends my dad used to say things along the lines of 'When you grow up you won't have friends, only family' and it used to make me really afraid of growing up.
@@TheSrawsome YO!! My dad would say the same shit to me! Growing up, whenever I brought up my friends my dad would say something along the lines of "theses people don't matter/you won't even remember them in a couple of years," and because I was a child, I took what he said to heart. Fast-forward to me being an adult, and he has the nerve to be shocked/disappointed when I tell him I don't have any close friends. Sorry to rant, I didn't want to just say 'same' 😅
Yes the endless "but they're your PARENTS". My tip is to look them dead in the eye and say "yes exactly, the people who were supposed to love me most did that to me, how do you forgive that".
The number of people who ask "who's going to take care of you when you're old if you don't get married and have kids?" is baffling. Like, that's clearly not guaranteed anyway, as this video shows, and they're telling on themselves for having children so they can raise up their own personal slaves
The pervasive mentality of capitalism, having children to be personal servants in the home to cover what you either can't do (due to constantly working to be able to pay to live), or won't do (on account of being a shitty person), actually encourages this dehumanizing behavior in families. It's literally ones of the only few things that **has** trickled down to everyone. I hope more people come to understand this and other perspectives as the capitalist issues they are. Abused people are the scapegoats of those who refuse to learn new ways to handle their pain, as many older people tend to feel religious avenues are sufficient for really deeply-engrained mental health issues that actually need medical help, not to mention the lack of meaningful and adequate access to mental health services unless it's time to prosecute you in the criminal justice system for acting out your long-ignored dysfunctions. It's a complete mess. Everyone is done a disservice by not abolishing this mess. The entire society will need to be restructured if anything is to survive even climate change, let alone this dynamic, and this video is but one facet of shining light on this. It's not just jobs, gender, romantic relationships, and housing. Being deprived of basic needs and expecting a healthy familial unit to come out of that is nothing short of delusion.
Also the fact that the concept of basic needs continues to be seen as food, shelter, water, clothing, without any regard for the state these needs are in, is part of the problem, too. If someone has a roof over their head but it's got poor water quality (Flint, MI + Jackson, MS), lead and radioactive contaminants (historically redlined urban areas near oil refineries or other heavy industry), the house has roaches or rats or pervasive mold, the clothing lasts only a few months to a year (fast fashion industry + planned obsolescence - the textile edition), then there is no amount of meeting "basic needs" that matters because the needs are met in an unsustainable and existentially dreadful manner that yields low quality of life. I'm sure this is long off-topic from the original comment (sorry!), but I feel like this is something everyone, regardless of capitalist stance for or against, understands but doesn't want to acknowledge as contributing to something like family issues, given how out of hand everything that needs to be helped has gotten but anyway.
@axeslinger94 I have noticed this happening too, for the past decade I have seen dysfunctionality within people (families), industries (large business markets), technology (internet and other media related businesses), the doctrines (religions) crumbling down and the mass consumption of items we bring into our lives just to fill in that whole of "I'm unhappy so I'm going to make someone else unhappy" or "I'm empty inside so I'm going to buy these things so I'm fuller and richer" It all starts with how we treat ourselves and then how we treat others. Sadly, this topic of *fulfillment within* is not taught by parents or teachers. I've read various studies where it states that young adults never learned how to set up healthy boundaries or how to find happiness in self-love and self-esteem. The parents state in the review that their children look selfish and self-entitled. They [their children] deserve to suffer out in the world if they continue on that path. Which to us sounds absolutely horrible! We need to continue talking about this topic and share Cheyenne Lin's videos with everyone.
@@axeslinger94 this is older than capitalism though. having kids as free labour was the norm for numerous communities throughout the world before capitalism
@@axeslinger94 granted that behavior was something carried over from agrarian society that depended on the effective free labor of children to function. It's always been in the ruling classes interest to have to provide as little as possible while extracting as much as possible from the "peasantry", but it does align well with capitalism, probably why it survived and under certain strains even harder enforced.
The phrase "you have to love/forgive/excuse them because they are family" has done so much harm. I was raised with an older sibling that was very mentally & emotionally abusive. When I would go to family members crying because of something they did or said to me I was told "that's just how they are you know". I just assumed that's how every family was. until one night we were out at dinner with some extended family we had not seen in a while. I had terrible acne and a nervous tick of picking at scabs. and was in the middle of a seriously bad outbreak at the time. The sibling made a comment about "the massive craters and holes all over my face being horrible to look at". While I was holding back tears, my Mom laughed it off saying "oh be nice". The other family member immediately jumped on my sibling scolding them for talking about me like that and being so heartless then got on my Mom for letting them talk to me like that and then just laughing it off while I was trying to not breakdown at the table. That was the first time I ever had the thought that I don't have to take that kind of treatment. That was the first time I was told it was not ok for family to treat you like that and you don't have to take it just because they are family. I have since cut all ties with that sibling and have VERY limited contact with my Mom. My mental health is still a mess, but cutting those ties was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
That phrase is no different than telling a man that he needs to, "man up". Which is basically saying that his feelings dont matter and he needs to ignore whatever is going on.
I wish i had family who supported me like that but they just get manupulated by the abuser that its all my fault I'm gonna get a lot of backlash just for moving out but i will stay strong and start my healing journey
Fuck it. I forgave my domestic violent parents too much. And had mercy and was filled with love towards them. Big mistake. I deserve better and should have not tried having a relationship with them.
This is definitely an issue within black families, Im Caribbean and the toxicity has been passed on I see how my grandmother treated my mother badly and now my parents are toxic to me, the bs I’ve had to deal with from my mother is unreal. She constantly reminds me how she gave birth to me and how she ensured I was fed and has a home. I’m a thread away from telling her to leave me alone for good because she is a horrible person I have more bad memories than good. I never asked to be born. I can’t be grateful for something I NEVER asked for.
And you don't have to be. If you decide to have a child it's your duty to feed it and keep it warm. It's the bare effen minimum. Like you can't start a job and then be amazed when you're asked to do work. Don't buy into that crap. I'm sorry that is happening to you. You don't have to take it if you don't want to. Hugs
Going NC was the healthiest thing I ever did for myself. I wish my mom well, but her happiness is her own problem; not mine. I am deeply grateful that she has respected my request for distance. The greatest gift she ever gave me was room to heal.
All power to you! I offer a somewhat bittersweet congratulations. You're strong beyond belief and have done what was necessary to be who you need to be.
I moved to another state as well, after college. My mom supporting that even though it was clearly so hard for her was great. Now I've ended up moving back in because of this and that, and there's a noticeable difference in how she sees and treats me. I think she was afraid I would never come back, and at one time I didn't plan to.
I’m NC with my father right now and he STILL has emailed me (I don’t know if he’s continued to call and text because I blocked him). I would be a lot more open minded if he could just pay me that simple respect
The most difficult aspect of cutting off my mother was her trying to regain contact. I’ve been no contact for a year now and she has tried to contact me multiple times. I put no contact as a boundary and insisted I would reach out if I was ever ready; this boundary has been broken a few times now. Every time she does my entire day is relegated to a breakdown due to the struggle of realizing she is the same person and nothing has changed; by her breaking a simple boundary. When societally we view children as “privileged” for cutting off their parents don’t realize how hard it is to cut of an abuser who was supposed to be your protector. No one wants to not have parents, but some have to out of self preservation.
When I moved my dad would send birthday cards and Christmas cards he did that for 2 years and that was it. I actually liked some of the contact I didn’t want to read his letters though and I was even considering sending him a card on occasion, but he stopped and I really don’t want the stress of it because he demanded unconditional love and usedhis negative traits to test the people that love him. I still love him but all his actions did was push me away.
"No one wants to not have parents" This! People act like I'm just mean, especially people who are best friends with their parents. Like do you think I didn't WANT that? Do you think not I'm happy for people like you but my heart breaks to see a mum who gleefully meets her adult child's partner? Or they just go shopping? Who travel miles and miles just to spend a holiday together? That's beautiful, why is the immediate response that I must be some soulless evil btch and throw that away because I want to or something. Im at a point where my mum has hurt me so much I don't want to fix our relationship, but I wish it didn't have to crumble to begin with.
I know the feeling, have been no contact with my dad for a year now. He does not understand boundaries. I just feel bad for my brothers. They are worried about losing me, I let them know that my issues with my dad were not issues with them. And they would have to do something horrible for me to cut them off like I did with my dad.
@@sheilawebb9746 Nice victim blaming. I would rather be kicked out and die somewhere in the corner than having to endure their abuses and belittlement.
@@rockocandyeye if being homeless is actually better, then why keep living with them though? There are other options. Everywhere is highering right now, with lower preformance expectations than they used to have, because they're so desparate for workers, & what about room-mates to split the cost?
@@sheilawebb9746 some roomates are assholes. Why some people still live with their parents despite them being shitty? Narcisstic parents won't let their kids out of their control. They'll do anything to keep them close to them. If their kids want to move out, the parents will pretend to be nice and love bombing them, distracting their attention away from their freedom. That's also why many abused victims have a hard time to leave their abusive partners. Instead of blaming them, why don't you try to understand their struggles and pain? If things were so easy to deal with it, nobody would complain anything
I ceased contact with a parent 12 years ago. And as if that wasn’t hard enough, there were all the people who would gasp and go “you don’t talk? But that’s your mother!” It’s been amazing to see things change and that these conversations and understandings are taking place. Thank you Cheyenne.
"But that's your mother!" Is something my partner hears constantly still, even after explaining how abusive his mother was. To me, that doesn't make any sense. Who cares if you got your genetics from her if she's awful? What does that change? Nobody thinks that's something to put up with if it's literally any other role. What makes that one so special that it can't be broken no matter what? I've tried asking and I still haven't gotten a coherent response.
@@YourWaywardDestiny I’m sorry for your partner-and it really speaks to how children (even when they grow up) are regarded as inferior/secondary in consideration to their parents. Like it doesn’t matter how old you are, if you’re going to speak honestly and negatively about your caretakers then you should still be “seen and not heard”.
I luckily surrounded myself with a lot of people who did respect it when I said i cut off my mother for being abusive. I cut her off nearly 15 years ago now and we were estranged until her death, which was nearly 3 years ago. I was basically estranged for 12 years total and i was so lucky compared to adults who suffer still being abused by their parents into adulthood. I got to start my healing journey earlier. I cut my mom off on my 18th birthday and it's a long process but by the time I'm raising kids i will have processed my own trauma and triggers so much more than most parents do.
@@VioletEmerald I'm humbled by your courage and perseverance to free Yourself from abuse at a young age. Consciously becoming estranged from an abuser in order to protect yourself was the right thing to do as a first step. The goal am sure was to create a safe space for you to not only survive but thrive financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically. I am happy for you and I am sure you will be successful in Processing the abuse. Healing the woods is hard work but desensitizing and reprocessing traumatic experiences from childhood abuse will little by little put a stop to negative and inappropriate response to triggering. May you Love yourself the way you would have wanted your mother to love you. Believe me You Are Precious but she simply was not capable of love. through healing you will make an excellent mother should you choose to have children. Many Blessing to you.
absolutely. sacrificing my own mental health and risking my physical safety is my problem. letting my child face even a little bit of that danger would make me a POS
Yes, same situation for me. I have 2 daughters who I love more than anything in this world. I give them love, support and respect which was completely void in my childhood. It feels great to break the curse.
I almost teared up watching this. This cut deep like a knife 😢. The part where you said “Children are to be seen, and not heard” is a common rhetoric in the Black community. Lots of Black parents love to instill fear in their children young and children shouldn’t go against their demands or they will be beaten. I’m glad that this generation is focusing on gentle parenting and breaking toxic ways we were brought up by our parents whether it’s respecting boundaries or having a space to be completely vulnerable without being dismissive or insensitive.
I feel you on this. I'm going to work twice as hard in order for myself to be more successful. My dad always gives this ugly looks to me for no reason.
CW: non graphic mentions of emotional, psychological and physical abuse, what would probably be classified as sexual harrassment of minors and religious homophobia/toxicity I'm eastern european and was brought up the same way - not allowed to disagree, never allowed to bring up my concerns unless my mother decided I had them, at constant risk of violence for forgetting to do the smallest thing despite me having very obvious and severe memory and emotional regulation issues. Forced to be okay with older relatives I had seen like 3 times in my entire life to kiss me on my lips way into my teens, parents not being disgusted by older relatives sexualizing me just talking to boys before I even started my period, being forced to be around people who openly stated they want me dead because of their faith, intensely shamed for symptoms of a burnout even after a therapist stated I needed rest immediately (thanks to hallucinations, crying all the time, struggling to chew food, etc). And the only people around me who seem to be bothered by this sort of parenting style seem to be mental health professionals and my peers most of the time (and even some of those think all of this is excusable because "they're from a different time"). I hope this sort of mentality is dying out but honestly it doesn't always seem like it is
@@miglek9613 I’m truly sorry. If I may recommend a RUclipsr, his name is Daniel Mackler. Check him out, he may just be able to help. He discusses childhood trauma.
My mother probably still thinks I ceased contact with her for a "political disagreement", but it's like you said. For her it's sudden, but for me it's something I've wanted for a long, long time, but never had the courage to do. It's been 2 years now and honestly I've never been happier. It was such an stressful and toxic relationship.
@@crazydragy4233 oh they are gold mines of mental gymnastics that's for sure...but some of the kids stories are equally bad at times. I've known people in real life that clearly were the problem... But either way these are often really out their in their conclusions not what they think happened
It's perfectly normal for family members not to always agree on aspects of values, political, religious or otherwise. Just because family doesn't share our values doesn't necessarily make them bad. Family dynamics can be complex too, but that's not so unusual either. Unless, there is real abuse, cutting off a parent from something like political differences is just sad. My relationship with my parents actually grew stronger the older I became b/c I was able to see my parents as human and accept their imperfections...just as I was able to accept my own imperfections.
@@kristinab1078You may have missed the point of the previous comment. Nobody cuts off a family member based on a difference of opinion. That's what his Mom *thought* it was about but he needed to get away for a long, long time. Sounds like the Mom was a narcissist. Your comment leads me to believe you've never had to suffer an abusive or narcissist parent. Your comment is what innocent, naive, ignorant people say that Drives victims Nuts! It assigns guilt and shame for those Needing to save their sanity, forcing them back into a dangerous, destructive, abusive, chaotic relationship with a manipulative parent. My advice is *Run* ! Your perspective is that of a "flying monkey", always trying to steer the victim back into the abusers arms, completely oblivious to the torment and torture because you don't see it, you've never experienced it, and you're one of those "let's all play nice now, kids", well-intentioned, sincere people paving the road to hell. You don't even realize the harm.
I went nc to protect myself. CPS thought having my grandparents raise me was a good idea, despite my mother being extremely unstable and an addict. They didnt think their parenting contributed to it. Turns out, they were just more subtle about it. Growing up, perfection was expected of me. I had to retake kindergarten, because my grandparents straight up figured that I'd learn to read myself. Several professionals thought I had adhd. I do have adhd. It was something they chose not to treat. I would also be grounded every time i got sick because grandpa believed that sickness was a reflection of who you were personally. He would get even more mad if I couldn't "tough it out" He expected me to know how chores were done. Never really taught me anything, would just yell at me. But when I'd do them he'd get mad at me and a screaming match would ensue. He was insistent i was incompetent, that I'd fail without him. I believed him. At some point, the veil had been lifted completely. I was forced to go to college, so I chose to become a teacher. I became a mandatory reporter through what was basically a teaching 101 program for seniors in high school, and finally was like "You know that you're abusive, right? That screaming at me and calling me names isn't normal, and isn't okay, right?" He agreed. He apologized but essentially said that was how he communicated and he was preparing me for the real world, anyway. That same year he held me hostage. I wasnt allowed to leave the house at all, or really my room over christmas break because a teacher told him I was faking mental illness to get out of work. I just asked for a little bit of leniency, that i would do the work, just needed more time. It was a nightmare. He was so awful and disrespectful. i was eighteen, and didn't know that he was committing a crime in "grounding" me like this. I began to drink and do drugs during this time. How could i get ahold of them despite not being allowed to leave the house? Easy, my grandparents drank and did drugs and grandma was an enabler. I managed to convince my grandpa that my friends dad was having a new years thing, and he let me go. Turns out it was a new years party with my friends cousin (who has become a part of my family of choice) and her partner. We drank and smoked. It was such a nice time. Then, I traumadumped and my now-sibling was like, "He's committing a crime, you could put him in jail." When the punishment ended, I told him if he ever did this again, I'd call the cops. Strangely, that's when he decided I was too old to be grounded. The night I left he told me I'd fail. I've flourished. I work a full time job and I struggle with ptsd and borderline personality disorder, but I'm better. I had been convinced that I was the abuser as well, but that part of me is healing. I haven't talked to him or grandma since october 26, 2018.
Jesus I'm so sorry you went through that, I'm so glad you were able to get away from them and that you were able to thrive, I've gone through a similar experience so I understand how painful and terrifying it can be to be in this situation and not be able to escape, I hope you're more happy and healing now 💕💕
@@whos-violet-mars I'm also sorry you went through that, it really blows. It took alot of therapy and my family of choice very patiently teaching me life skills, as well as treating my mental health and chronic pain seriously to get where i am now, and I wouldn't change a thing about my new life.
@@velveetaenthusiast It's good that you have a choosen family that actually loves and cares for you, I'm sure it was really hard, I'm also trying to heal with the family members that do care for me and my friends and it's difficult but I know I can get to where I want to be like you, it's always nice knowing that even tho the people that were supposed to care for us didn't that we can find people that do ^_^
Great stuff, I noticed this pattern of media beginning to portray how actually complex family dynamics are and that not everything is as simple as "family is family". You gave a lot of nuance to this topic
I cut contact with my parents and my father hired a private investigator to find me. When the investigator found me and made contact with me, I found out my father had told him I had been kidnapped. Luckily when I explained the situation and that I was purposefully trying not to be found he understood and agreed not to share my contact info or anything with my father.
My parents got the cops to take me to the mental hospital when i told the extended family what was going on between us....the shrink called my parents and told them to fk off, I'm an adult, and the cops will arrest THEM if they don't retreat. They took the warning, I never spoke to them again..its been 9 years. Ironic thing is they disowned me!! They just didn't think i'd tell all our cousins, aunts, uncles, etc..they actually thought i'd just dissapear.
I was lucky to not grow up with abusive parents. It breaks my heart that so many children experience it. I don’t understand why people have children they aren’t willing to treat right and love.
These people have children so they can have a little slave they can exert power over. Slavery isn't legal but having children is, and underage children have few rights, and the few they have, they are rarely believed on, because "it's a kid what do they know", and parents also threaten them if they say anything they'll be taken away to a worse place (newspapers writing horror stories about physical abuse and sexual harassment in foster families and orphanages support that fear), so the kid is stuck. Most "normal" people claim family is sacred so they reinforce the idea in the kid it's stuck with its parents no matter what.
My mom had kids cuz it was expected. She said she cried when she found out she pregnant with brother and again when she found out she was pregnant with me. She didn’t want kids, but she’d been told her whole life that that was what girls were supposed to want.
@@jaycee3177 yeah that’s unfortunate, but it still doesn’t mean she didn’t have an obligation to treat you well and with love (if she did, that’s great)
It's such a strange dynamic when those that hurt you also care about you and say they love you. It hurts when their hurt wasn't meant to scar, yet it has. I'm going through a lot with my father who was verbally abusive until I was 17 and the yelling stopped effecting me, so he stopped. I'm 21 now and my parents recent divorce has caused me to re-evaluate a lot of things, and I'm still in the process. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but it's really fitting I stumble across this video now.
Abusive parenting is For sure a Trauma. As a child I internalized my parents toxic relationship especially during divorce time. Then my mother alienated me from my father who I never saw again. Get some help from a psychologist with with PTSD experience. If you need to go NC until you feel safer do it but NC alone will not help. It is a bit easier to heal 21 years of CPTSD than at age 48 and it will also help with healthy future romantic relationships.
I cut my mother out permanently in 2015 and I have never regretted doing so. My life has only improved as a result. I have no plans or desire to reconcile either. Not only was she incredibly abusive to me, at this point we share no common ground or interests and I don't think she's someone I could even just be friends with. It's okay to break up with people that hurt you, even if those people are your parents.
She is definitely a Boomer, but I loved that when Emily Yoffe was Dear Prudence, she did a article called "What do adult children owe abusive parents?", which TL;DR is nothing. Here are her gems: "Choosing not to forgive does not doom someone to being mired in the past forever. Accepting what happened and moving on is a good general principle. But it can be comforting for those being browbeaten to absolve their parents to recognize that forgiveness works best as a mutual endeavor. After all, many adult children of abusers have never heard a word of regret from their parent or parents. People who have the capacity to ruthlessly maltreat their children tend toward self-justification, not shame." She wrote of a Dear Prudence letter called "Sadder but Wiser" where the letter writer wrote in that "verbally humiliated her son when he was a boy, realized the damage she had done, changed her ways and apologized. But her son, who recently became a father, has only a coolly cordial relationship with her, and she complained that she wanted more warmth and caring. I suggested she should be glad that he did see her, stop whining for more and tell her son she admires he is giving his little boy the childhood he deserves and that he didn't get."' "Sometimes the best thing to do is just close the door."
You said it best. Forced forgiveness is just next level abuse. If forgiveness isn't earned, forcing someone to forgive is forcing them to enable and justify abusive behaviour. Most abusers don't regret, don't change, only "regret" for show, i.e. cry crocodile tears, claim they're the "victim" of "ungrateful" children and stuff like that. Never ever it crosses their mind they did anything wrong.
What is forgiveness? Like you can let go of what someone did to you and allow them in your life but that doesn't undo the trauma they've inflicted on you. You can't expect warmth from someone you've psychologically damaged even if they recognize you've changed and want to have a relationship with you.
I do not agree. You can create distance but maintain boundaries and still have a respectful, even distant relationship. I do not believe in cutting parents off unless their behaviors have been monstrous and severe. They raised you, provided for you, educated you and more. .. and then you kick them to the curb for not Living up to your expectations. I wonder how your children will react when they realize you were less than perfect.
@@carolalvarez3925 that is also a question worth examining. Someone can be abusive without being an abuser. Ie when a customer is berating a cashier because they're mad. And someone can be psychologically damaged without being abused. Ie neglect, indoctrination And there's a difference between what is legally child abuse and what is morally abusive.
People tend to get so judgemental as soon as I tell them I have no contact with my mother. I feel like there is more stigma associated with cutting off your mom than your dad for weird society gender reasons, but on both sides people really don't seem to get that just because their issues with their parents were petty doesn't mean everyone's were.
People just cannot IMAGINE an abusive mom. They think mothers have certain inherent loving instincts. Dads they grow up knowing some of them are abusive and suck. It's the weirdest phenomenon to have an abusive mom and have so little societal validation that that's even possible.
@@VioletEmerald it’s an offshoot of the whole stupid “all women are wired to be mothers” thing. It’s so frustrating and I feel like it lets abusive moms slip under the radar. I have a friend who had really shitty parents, and though his dad sucked, he was more neglectful while his mom was definitely the more physically and verbally abusive one.
Yup. My egg donor is the abuser. My dad wasn't fantastic- he enabled her a lot- but he did the work of being a dad. He was the one who got woken up when my brother and I had nightmares. He's the one we puked on in the middle of the night. He's the one who drove me to and from college most times. He's the one I go to for help. My egg donor always complained whenever we asked her for anything growing up, so we always came to her when we could think of any other options. If I can go without help, I will do that instead of bugging her. My dad was a dad. My egg donor made sure I didn't die, and she kept up appearances. She is not a mother, no matter how much I love her and desperately wished she would be my mother. I fought really hard to get her to be my mother actually. I realized that she wasn't a mother when I was in university and I had the worst fights I can ever remember having with her because I was trying to salvage _something_ from the relationship. I had this fantasy that she'd realize what she'd done and apologize and turn over a new leaf. Well, in June 2019 I got a word-perfect apology. It was exactly as I always hoped. But then I realized that she was only saying it because she thought I was abusing her and she was saying whatever it took to make me stop abusing her. I was heartbroken. All my hopes that I could just... _forgive her_ were completely shattered because even if she does apologize perfectly, I'll never be able to believe she's actually sorry. I'll always wonder if she just got better at manipulation. So after that June, I went out of my way to do whatever it took to keep the peace. I was just there to appease this woman so I could survive. I didn't bother fighting with her. I didn't bother trying to salvage anything. She'd made it clear she was not interested in self-reflection and owning up to what happened. From her point of view, I'm sure she thinks the relationship improved after her apology. We stopped having fights after all, so we must be getting along well now! I almost feel bad for her. One day her "daughter" is going to leave the house and "suddenly decide she's a boy now" and cut off all contact. I wouldn't be surprised if she started subscribing to the idea of 'sudden onset gender dysphoria'.
I definitely think it's the fact that some people don't believe women can be abusive, and as others have said, they're all meant to be mothers, which is not the case at all. Just like how some men aren't meant to be fathers, some women aren't meant to be mothers. It's weird how they can't believe that it can go both way. Please know that your trauma is valid and whatever happened wasn't your fault
@@aldenheterodyne2833 Reading that broke my heart, I'm very sorry to hear that. It cuts deep when the people that hurt you aren't going to actually own up to what they did, and they think they deserve your forgiveness because they "already apologized". Your "mother" didn't even acknowledge that she abused you- I understand that her acknowledgement would help you tremendously with healing, I've been there. But please know that even without her real apology, you can still heal. Make peace with yourself that even tho you won't get the love you want, you don't need it to move on. You can receive others' love and validation. Sending lots of love to you, and hope that you can soon get out of there
I felt so sorry for Jennette for having to deal with her overzealous stage Mum. I know that if I ever have children, I would make sure that they actually liked acting, without pushing them into the seedy side of show business.
Whenever Jeanette McCurdy is mentioned in any video more recently, you always have that sentiment and I agree with you. I know that a lot of kids went to be child stars from the TV shows we watch, but after looking at how Hollywood treats children, is it worth it? While not all child stars have that experience, it seems like the child stars who come from dysfunctional families are affected the worst.
I do too; my younger brother was a child actor ( mostly TV ads & modeling clothes for local dept stores) I would sometimes go w/him & my dad on auditions ( my mom didn't like driving the freeways here in L.A) & saw some of those type of parents: they wouldn't smack their kids in the waiting area but I definitely got the feeling they would once they were in the car or home w/them where no one could see. Luckily, our parents had been actors themselves & knew how difficult it was to land an acting job . I do think McCurdy mean't well by writing her book but feel the cover is extremely Click Bait-y & in v. poor taste.
One could argue that kids cannot reasonably consent to pursuing a professional acting career. Also, kids will often want to please their parents, so a parent would have to be preternaturally self-aware to avoid the pitfall of unknowingly pressuring their kid to comply.
@@ROBYNMARKOW When it comes to the title of Jennette McCurdy's book, I don't think it's click bait-y at all. It's attention grabbing, yes, but it's also extremely accurate to the content in the book. I don't know if you've read the book yourself, but by the end of it I was thinking "I'M GLAD TOO." The title also actively draws to attention to the expectation people have of adult children to speak about their deceased parents with glowing praise. "I'm Glad My Mom Died" is a powerful memoir that earns its title. Calling it "click bait" really disregards what Jennette went through.
I am 17 and cut ties with my father when I was 15. And you did a wonderful job at explaining this! Sadly my bigger brother still isn’t seeing why I cut ties with him and still says „You will regret it in a few years“ and so on and on. And that’s exactly the pressure from the outside that made me cut ties more later than sooner.
My partner cut ties with an abusive parent at 16. He's 33 now, and--it's really just the damndest thing-- but you know what? Never regretted it once since then. We've been waiting for the day that regrets finally kicks in, and so far, it hasn't even shown a hint of coming around. I'm starting to think he might never regret it, at this rate. I get the sneaking suspicion you might be alright with this decision for the foreseeable future.
Alsooooo, you can always change your mind down the road to throw out a line to them or keep tabs on them. The decision you made is not set in stone. I am in therapy rn about a bad parent, and going NC is a lot more than I imagined. You can change your boundaries if you so desire, and if you ever do, it is not because you feel regret, it would be because circumstances have changed your boundary. I hope that if my mom gets better mentally that she will reach out to me and let me know, and then we can pick up where we left off. But for now, things are bad and distance is doing me some good.
My biggest regret in life is letting my emotionally abusive parents back into my life after a cut off as a teen. They and my even more abusive older sister have almost cost me everything. Stay strong and trust your instincts.
imagine having this convo with a 9ja family. it'll be Abeg, so you are Oyinbo now. Biko, where do you think you are going with this. the things we put with .
I recently got back in touch with my dad for the first time in 5 years and it was really disappointing to find that he still doesn't or can't understand how much emotional and mental damage he and my mom caused to my brother and I. If he wasn't ignoring us, he was yelling (on top of other stuff like not allowing us to have friends over or really letting anyone come over). I'm on the autism spectrum, but now I have to wonder how much damage his dislike of other people caused me to have poor social skills. And don't get me started on my mother, it only took one conversation with her for my therapist to mention "Munchausen by proxy" (my mom also managed to find my therapist's home address and constantly went behind my back to try to prod her for information and generally harass her. I was in my mid-30s when this happened.). It hurts a lot too. I have very few friends, zero relationship with my only sibling, and terrified of people to the point where I only leave my apartment one or two hours a week. And I can take some responsibility for that, and I do like day tripping to Boston when i can afford it, but now I'm 40 and I look back and see a wasted, empty, lonely life and I know how much of that was my parents being completely neglectful of my emotional needs. They *always* put themselves first.
"No mother is completely a childs Idea of what a mother should be. And I guess it works the other way around. But all things considered I think we didn’t do to badly by each other" I read this in the handmaids tale and I tried to live by this principle for years. I tired to have empathy for my parents who didn't have it easy and move past my childhood for a long time. But this year I realised that they aren't capable and willing to change what is wrong in their life. And I don't want to go down with them. So have almost no contact now. But my siblings do and we get along very well so a complete break isn't really possible.
This. I recently moved back home with my mum because she's been newly diagnosed with terminal illness. It's... something I never wouldve done if the situation wasn't so extreme. I planned on never moving back home the moment I left for university and it's been really really hard to cope with fact that I had to give up one of my only wishes. My mum wasnt truly Abusive. She is a loving and supportive parent and being a single parent was really really really hard for her. But I can't just wish away all the abusive shit she has said to me and how much she distorted my self-perception and self-worth throughout my childhood. I can't ignore the fact that she was the only important person in my life for a very long time and she consciously or unconsciously made sure it stayed that way until she couldn't. I can't un-realise that she was the person who was supposed to protect but she hurt me again and again and left invisible scars that will probably never go away. I just... thought I had years deal with those feelings and resolve my trauma. I wasn't going to cut her off but I flourished on my own and I wanted to keep doing that. And now...
Currently into my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm doing a permanent cut-off. I used to be able to take cut off breaks for like 5 months at a time but now that I'm having a kid and they've never changed, I cannot afford to allow their influence around me. I'll be damned if the generational trauma passes onto my expecting daughter. The unfortunate thing about cutting off is a lot of children don't want to but it's their last choice because our absence is the loudest thing they'll ever hear.
I hope you get therapy before having your daughter. Trauma still affected you and if you don't heal, you will most likely repeat cycles that you haven't become aware of.
@@bellaapple2166 that’s great advice. A lot of people who are genuinely well-intentioned have blind spots and can’t see the extent to which they’re damaged from having been abused. My grandmother was extremely abusive to her children, and ALL of her children have gone on to abuse their own children to various ways. It drives me crazy because they can all see how abusive my grandmother was to them, but they can’t recognize (or refuse to acknowledge) the abuse they inflicted on their own children. One of my Uncles finally accepted how messed up he is and started going to therapy last year, but he still hasn’t taken responsibility and tried to repair his relationship with his oldest son.
If you don’t get therapy you ll just inflict your own version of pain onto your kids. And then this estrangement will cycle yet another generation. You think you ll be spared. You won’t
You're doing the right thing. I cut off most of my family over the past 10 years but once i have kids I'm gone for good. Moving out of state, new phone numbers, new job, everything. I'm not bringing my future children into that hell.
One double standard I've noticed that's related to this. The cultures that emphasize family the most are also the most likely to disown their own children and/or kick them out onto the streets. For marrying the "wrong" person For getting pregnant For being gay or trans
Cause it's never been about "family" it's always been about control and public/family image. If you make the family look bad according to those with power within the family system, you must go. It's why i laugh at people that unironically try to pretend that kids owe their parents any kind of loyalty, respect, contact, or even care in old age. People that emphasize genuine human relationships and connections tend to have much stronger and healthier family systems (that may include non bio relatives like step parents, in laws, family friends etc) and not feel the need to rely on such rules as filial piety or intimidation to maintain their system (and sense of "control") . The most Family is Everything types are definitely ones to make pointed statements about in laws "not being real family" and other such exclusionary behavior towards stepkids, adopted kids, or anyone that breaks from the image they want to cultivate of what their Ideal Family looks like (you forgot mental illness and neurodivergency. Those are also the kinds of people that get disowned, kicked on the street, or often at least erased from the family image. At least in the most Pro Family systems). It's entirely toxic and manipulative.
I live with my parents still and my house hasn't felt safe for over 5 years because my dad is a narcissist and emotionally abusive. My plan is to move out next year after I finish university and I've already informed my mom that I plan to cut contact with my dad (not sure she's convinced I'll actually do it, but I didn't want this to come out of the blue for her). I hate knowing that he'll somehow find a way to blame her for this and I do feel somewhat guilty to be putting her in this position, but I can't live the rest of my life dealing with his abuse. Seeing more people talking about cutting contact with abusive family members has really helped me to not feel bad about this decision. I don't owe him anything and I need to do what's best for me.
I was living with my parents til i was 32. My mom left him and i moved out bc o realized how abusive and narcissisic he is. I went nc and its been almost 2 years.
Your house hasn't been safe for much longer than that good thing that you have noticed, going NC is good for awhile but you have to heal the Trauma with therapy when we grow up with toxic parents sets us up to create unhealthy relationships especially romantic once. I came 6,000 miles away and with long periods of no contact got married had 4 children and at age 48 after a traumatic event I realized that something was terrible wrong. I was diagnosed with PTSD and took me several years of therapy to desensitize and reprocess childhood Trauma. that left me vulnerable to yet more toxic relationships and autoimmune disorders. I stayed in victim state of mind before moving to survival state of mind and finally to the state of a Victorious Warrior. At age 71 I am grateful mostly for my excellent health and my calm mental State with no grief. Blessings to you and best wishes.
Sounds just like my house. There was physical abuse as well. As soon as I got a job out of college, I was out the door. More LC than NC, but I think that might change soon Proud of you for making your escape plan and living your best life! It's hard, but you can do it! We believe in you :)
I experienced a lot of emotional neglect and witnessed favoritism of my brother (I'm an older sister by 16 months) growing up. There were also upsetting revelations in my youth that demolished my trust and sense of identity in parental figures. First off, my parents fought *a lot* when I was young. Violent screaming matches. They were a young couple who moved from Minnesota to California with two small children, and it was a stressful time for them. They took it out on one another, and to this day I disassociate when I hear people screaming at one another or someone gets violently abusive toward someone else. I internalized their anger as my fault, and developed OCD. I would cry at small mistakes, and lie constantly when I'd done something wrong to avoid the onus of being bad. I also learned how to read people's emotional states really well, and in my younger years strived to keep others happy as a matter of personal safety. Their eventual divorce was a blessing. But over the years I saw my Mom struggle through relationships, and my Dad dating much younger women than him the rare times I saw him. My brother and I often just "existed" around him: he'd spend money on us, but we avoided him otherwise. When we were teenagers he started taking my brother on fishing trips to exotic places, despite me being an avid angler too whenever I got the opportunity. At the same time my Mom would attend my brother's track-and-field events, but I attended my extracurriculars alone. I chose a comparatively expensive hobby, and was always ashamed to ask for money, and too anxious to fundraise. I developed a habit of wanting people to ask how I was doing or to come to something, rather than telling them I wanted to come. In this way I guarded myself against inevitable disappointment. Junior high came with the revelation my Dad was not my biological father. I was not given my father's name. My first driver's license came with the additional revelation that the surname on my birth certificate was different from the married name Mom had taken from Dad, my biological father's surname (she hadn't told me it yet: said she would when I turned 18) *and* her maiden surname, which I had been using for years. She also told me the name on my birth certificate wasn't my biological father's. In high school, she remarried. I was thrilled for her, but my stepdad and I were never close. She had my baby brother my senior year of high school, and rather than keep the baby's crib in their room, my Mom and stepdad put the baby in mine, for me to care for. This was the same year he became violent toward her while drunk, so badly that my brother had to intervene. I couldn't. I don't remember how I wound up cowering in the backyard with my hands over my ears, but I went from there to eerily distant inside my own head. I autopiloted myself into my Mom's room and begged her to leave, that we (my Mom, my brother and I) had been a trio before, and we could make it work with my new brother too. She didn't, and as a kid whose grades have suffered throughout high school, I thought college was inaccessible to me. I fled to the only place that wouldn't overburden me with crippling debt: the military. In the Navy, all the cracks in my identity and self-worth were chiseled away at. Some were smoothed out. Some became permanent. Some festered. The ones which festered almost drove me to suicide, but I sought help. It meant being discharged, but better a failure than dead. After the Navy I retreated from society for almost a decade, working a night job that saw me on a different schedule from the rest of the world. I've gone on at length, so I'll wrap up. Suffice to say I'm a *healthier* person now, but not necessarily *healthy*. I avoid my Dad. I avoid my Mom less. I've met my biological father, and while he seemed kind, I've avoided him too out of an inescapable shame I carry with me. I don't date: most of me is disinterested in sex or romantic partners, and while I confidently identify as asexual and aromantic, a small part of me questions if this is how I really feel or just more confusion over my identity. I've earned a place at a world-class university after almost a decade of self-isolation, and hope that I'll finally be able to become the healthy person I want to be here. Fingers crossed.
When I fled for good I entered services for young people experiencing homelessness and at those places they will make you "program" (wake and sleep, meals served specific times, jumping through bureaucratic hoops for the independent housing program entry, living in tight spaces with a large and unpredictable population.) It shapes you to experience something like this but I like you got treatment out of it. Most people there had a mental illness of some kind but lied about it. I actively participated in NAMI, substance abuse classes, survivors support groups, I got on medication and began working, all because of the program. I have what I believe is survivors guilt from witnessing some incidents in the program. But I came out of it intact, to reintegrate into society is what I always wanted as a homeless child.
I really resonate with your struggles. I too am dealing with being distant from parents and have finally entered an amazing college after years of working. Let's get through this together ❤️ You got this.
That was something to read, but please don't think you were "talking too much", because talking about your experience isn't wrong or annoying. It's how you heal, and some people may find it relatable. You've had a long fight and it may still last for a while, but since you're now recognizing that you were abused and wronged, I believe you're on your way to happiness. Self-discovery is a long process, don't rush it. And hey, maybe you'll find a true parent in your biological dad. I understand pushing people away from you because of your own shame and trauma, please know that you deserve real love and connection, and whoever tells you otherwise (even the impostor in your mind), they're a big liar. I wish you the best
I’m 19 years old, and have always had a difficult relationship with my dad. He’s self centered, very conservative, and constantly insults me and/or tells me I “owe him” for raising me. I’m living at home with him and my mom while I pursue higher education, and things have gotten better between us, but… I don’t think he’s someone I want in my life. He doesn’t respect me as a person, he doesn’t respect my beliefs no matter how hard I try to respect his. He’s a Christian, I’m an Atheist, he’s a Republican, I’m a Progressive, I’m nonbinary and aroace, he thinks both of those things “aren’t real”. I actually wrote my first college paper this semester on how I came to the realization that I didn’t want him in my future, and my professor empathized with me. Also, my dad has some subtle racism and classism. He’s upper middle class, and does not like the things I’m learning in sociology because it conflicts with his world views. Edit: I just want to get this off my chest. My dad also blames me for being groomed twice in my early teenage years. He also ignores my trauma induced boundaries such as not touching me or being uncomfortable saying “I love you”. He constantly complains, gives back handed compliments, and will flat out harass me for “not loving him”.
I am sorry you have to deal with a parent like him. Hopefully you can get out of the relationship soon, he is definitely not worth the trouble. And you already know this, but obviously nothing of this is your fault. You will make it, everything will get better, I promise.
I have a mentally ill mom who left when I was 10. I only saw her once or twice a year through middle school and high school, and those visits mostly consisted of her crying "woe is me" and making excuses for why she left. I went through a period in my 20s and 30s in which I hated her. Now I feel mostly numb towards her. I'm 50 and she's 70-something. It seems kind of pointless to stay mad.
I understand you. I also have a mentally ill and abusive mom who stopped being present in my life after I turned 14 and whenever we would talk she’d be crying to me and twisting the truth despite me being a witness to her actions and begging me to bring her back. I used to resent her for the pain she put me through but now I too just feel numb towards her. Regardless of whatever decision you make, just know that you don’t owe your mother anything wether she has a mental illness or not and it’s okay to feel the way you did and do.
You’ve reached your final form: the stage of healing where you are genuinely indifferent to her. That’s so much worse for an abuser than hatred; it means they truly don’t have power over you anymore, not even enough for you to be angry with them. Congratulations on all your hard work! ❤
I hope I can reach this mentality with my own family member and move on for good. I tried this medication Prazosin for night terrors and it made me feel worse. I can go my waking life without putting much thought into the past but I get those multiple times a week on my regular medication anyways. I just live with it. If I could never go another day waking drenched in sweat again that would be a true blessing. I'm in my 20s and been low to no contact for nearly 10 years now.
I hope you can get some relief. I think talking about it helps. I've been seeing a therapist for the past several years and slowly but surely it has made a big difference. I didn't realize at first that it was helping but it sort of happened gradually.
i just want to say as well- from someone who is estranged from their father and most likely will be estranged from their mother in the future: it is not your obligation to fix the parent. it is not on you to tell them everything they’ve done wrong in hopes that they will change. especially in situations where the parent has narcissistic tendencies, they WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU. you have to cut your losses.
such incredible timing for this video to pop up. two of my father’s sisters reached out today for the first time in years to ask my mother to demand i open communication with my dad again. they know about the years of abuse i suffered at his hands but justify their actions to themselves because he’s been struggling recently. i’m so fortunate that my mom supports me and my right to have autonomy in these situations.
That- I- I really have no words. The audacity to, not ask, but *demand* you to talk to your dad again. What are they gonna do, call the police? 🙄 It's stupid, but also incredibly funny how they think they can threaten you to open communication with your father again *after* you've clearly not give a damn and cut off your father in the first place. "I know he abused you and messed up your childhood, and he probably did something bad that made your mom support you in cutting contact with him, but come on, give your old dad a call. He's sick and you're his most precious treasure" Oh shut it
I tried to talk to my mom about why she and I are so distant, because she's gotten a lot nicer since I was a kid and even accepts my identity as a bi person now (she hit me for it when I came out to her when I was a teenager). I said I needed her to admit that she was hard on me as a kid, that her expectations for me were unreasonable and that the way she "disciplined" me was wrong. She refused, said I deserved every piece of physical punishment she dished out (including pinching me until there were bruises, getting things thrown at my face until I bled, and coming at me with a knife) because I was a bad kid and needed "correcting", flat out denying that she ever hit me to vent her own frustrations. My sister backed her up, saying "you're remembering things wrong, it wasn't that bad and you were a bad kid". The whole thing left me not okay for several weeks as I tried to parse whether I was the crazy one, if I really was remembering everything from my childhood wrong, but no. Most of what I remember from my childhood at all are the bad things, the terrifying things she did when she was angry. I still see glimpses of that person she used to be, especially when she tried to quit smoking. So I'm done reaching out. I tried. I tried for 30 years to be good enough for her. I wanted so badly for her to love me as I am. But it's just never going to happen and I'm tired of slamming my head into a wall she built.
"I tried for 30 years to be good enough for her. I wanted so badly for her to love me as I am. But it's just never going to happen and I'm tired of slamming my head into a wall she built." Me and my mom in a nutshell!
This is why I despise people who think abused children are just entitled, ungrateful brats who don't try. You, along with other people, have tried, but your parents refuse to work together. Are they just going to keep saying that you don't try to love your parents and work together on your relationship, and that you're just "lazy"? I'll be honest, your mom was lucky she didn't have the police called on her. That's abuse. I'm sorry that happened to you. Recognizing your trauma and realizing that you'll never have the love you want hurts as hell, but please remember that she's not the only person in your life. Surround yourself with people you trust and find a family of your own. I wish you the best
@@sakumiraagashi and then when you cut them off they say they never saw it coming. Even when you try in such blatant ways to mend fences. I tried talking about the hurt my parents caused and they both mocked me and laughed. I’ve never brought it up again and won’t. For what?! They don’t have the capacity nor empathy to understand, so I’m just hurting myself by trying. I’m doing a slow fade because they’re the type to show up where I live if I go cold 🙄
@@xoyouaremysunshinexo I'm really sorry you had that experience, that's extremely hurtful and invalidating. And then afterward they'll say "why didn't you tell us?" like you haven't tried again and again. It's not that you don't try. It's that you were mocked for trying. I absolutely don't blame you for giving up on communication, and in fact, I don't encourage you to keep trying. If they refuse to acknowledge your words, it's better to withdraw, heal on your own and accept that it's not going to happen. Also, the type to show up after you cut them off? That's hella annoying. Like, for what? Are they going to show up like "we didn't realize and would like to mend our relationship. But also you were wrong and we deserve to be in your life to continue hurting you without working on ourselves because we did nothing wrong". I'd just slam the door in their face ngl. I hope things will go well for you, and please know that your feelings are valid
If I treated my son the way my parents treated me, I would expect him to dump my ass and write a best selling novel about his struggles. My son was born entitled to my respect; that's not entitlement, I believe those are the bare minimum requirements.
One of the wildest experiences I had was talking to therapists about how I felt guilty because I estranged myself from my parents and they’re always like - Don’t feel bad. It’s good you don’t speak to them. Really spun my head around.
epigenetic mental illness weakens me considerably, but also leaves me with resentment over "i didn't choose to be born" and guilt/shame that I blame my parents for having me. i'm so disabled by my condition, and my parents can be kind but they don't understand. i'm currently very sad and frustrated and a little pity-party-y. thanks for making a video like this.
Stress literally kills. If anything, adult children may need to separate from the family due to the fact that stress coming from toxic relationships can and is detrimental to health.
I tried to distance myself from my mother in my early 20s and was unable to do so, because me attempting to get space made her put undue pressure on my father. It's so hard to get that space when someone you love but want distance from vents her frustration on third parties. I'm about to move across the country, and I'm going to give it a shot again
My therapist told me this when I explained the same situation exact I’m NC with my dad (he’s giving my mother grief): You are not responsible for the choice that they make to stay with them and listen - you aren’t responsible for their happiness. It helped me when the guilt got heaviest
This made me feel so seen. At times I had been demonized by my parents for needing to create boundaries and distance. What many parents don’t understand is that these are sometimes methods to SAVE a relationship- estrangement is usually a last resort. And it’s hard to argue that this is a phase once someone reaches their 30s, like me. Estranging myself from my parents is one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Thank you for this.
When my dad remarried a year after the passing of my mom, it caused a huge rift in my family. It got so bad that all of my older siblings decided to cut ties with him. Its heartbreaking cuz I see how it hurts my dad. But at the same time, I don't think my dad truly understands how his actions affected them. As much as I want things to fixed, at the end it's up to them (particularly my dad) to make amends
I’m confused why that was harmful. Is the new spouse a bad person? Does she treat the family badly? If not, it’s understandable that he would want to find love again.
@@quietestkitten while his new wife isn't necessarily a bad person, me and my siblings felt like he rushed into this relationship. Tbh I wasn't a full year after my mom when they started dating. Its a very complicated issue
@@JazminJazHunt yeah but it's his life. It's not like he was dating her before your mom died and cheating on your mom with her. If any time at all had passed it's extremely normal for a widowed man to start dating again quite quickly, if you look at the research. Months is pretty normal. And it's normal for children to feel their grief amplified and complicated by this and to struggle to process how their dad is ready. But to cut off contact with him is such an extreme action that sounds like there must be so much more to the story. There must be something more to explain why they don't feel attached to their father enough to want to stay. He must've failed as a father too.
@@AphroditeAngel222 just a couple weeks would be bizarre. Months is not bizarre. It's pretty typical for men in particular. Women take longer but. Look at the research.
I haven't spoken to my mom since 2014, and I still feel guilty about it sometimes. She loved me unconditionally, but didn't know how to do it in a healthy way. Everyone in that family is trauma bonded together, and I think they've been passing personality disorders to their children for many generations. BPD can corrupt your love and turn it into a certain kind of desperate neediness that makes raising a child very difficult. I find myself wanting to hate her, and I'm glad I got out of their intergenerational doom spiral, but it makes me sad that I could only save myself. Being alive can be pretty tough, y'all. I'm glad more of us are valuing our own well-being over the comfort of family. Maybe we can create a generation of new people that isn't defined by trauma.
Some parents are straight out narcissistic. They won’t even take responsibilities for their behaviours/actions, let alone apologising or realising their mistakes. Thanks for the validation 😊
That saying, "Listen to your parents while you can," goes both ways. Listen to your children while you can, or you might not have any children at all. I haven't talked with any of my family in about five years, and what kills me most is that I left my little cat with them. I originally thought I'd go back and visit them for holidays and try to get my cat, but as soon as I moved out, I knew I couldn't go back. I thought about staying for my cat, but I was afraid that even if I stayed until he was old and passed away, there would be another cat by then--another cat I couldn't leave... then another... and so on. I was going to die there if I didn't get out soon. I'm sorry Bunny.
i really needed this. the idea that the estrangement might seem out of the blue to the parent but has been a constant thought for the adult child for a long time is definitely my experience. it still causes me a lot of pain, especially when i know my parent doesn't understand why what they've done is wrong and/or refuses to acknowledge it. this video makes me feel like someone is rooting for me, which means so much
Cutting my narcissistic parent off was literally the best thing that I could do for my mental health. It took me years to realize why I was struggling so much.
This essay is so great at explaining what parental estrangement is and why it happens. One thing I'd add is that not everyone understands the difference between the teenage stage of life where you want to be separate from your parents and grow into your own person and actual parental estrangement. The teenage "I hate my parents" stage is temporary and usually goes away with age, maturity, and the building of their adult life; however, parental estrangement tends to last years if not forever after the relationship is cut off and, at least for the child, impossible to maintain. The misunderstanding of the stage where you are becoming an adult and actual parental estrangement can cause some of the stigma on adult children who are estranged from their parents, causing other people to see them as perpetually immature and unable to grow up and move on from being a teenager.
6:53 hit too close to home. As someone who was in choir for 7 years straight (all throughout middle & high school) my family never went to any of my concerts, not even to my very final concert Senior year despite me asking. Despite it happening almost a decade ago I’m surprised at how hurt and angry that still makes me. Im glad that my friends, aka my chosen family, showed up to that last concert though - they were real ones ❤
I have a similar experience, you still feel that strong emotion because it harkens to the deeper issue that has not been resolved. The issue being the parents behavior. Some ppl casually tell me to let it go, and my rebuttal is you don’t know what my situation is. You have not dealt with close family being your biggest bully. Inwould love to let it go, but I know that because I can’t, it means their behavior towards me has not changed.
I stopped inviting my family to watch any plays I'm in it or even tell them I'm involved in local productions because they have expressed finding theater boring. I don't want them to feel obliged to sit through a play if they don't want to.
I was capt of my hs chess team for 3 yrs, on the team for 4. Won numerous trophies over that time. My mother or adult siblings never came to a single match, even when asked. My father never even bothered to know I played. It would kill me to come out the match alone, when my opponent would have their whole family waiting for them outside, win or lose. Cutting my family off was the best thing I could've ever done. I was already lonely, at least now I'm not being isht on everyday while I'm at it 🤷🏿♀️ #NoRegrets
I'm really glad to see this right now. I cut my dad off in April finally, and I've been thriving since. However, since i knew he wasn't doing anything for Thanksgiving, I sent him some of the food I cooked. He refused to eat it. It solidified my decision, but since food is my love language it still hurt a little. To all the other people who are sharing their stories: you all deserved better and I'm sorry for what you had to go through.
My mom has Munchausen by proxy and severely abused me when I was a child. She is extremely mentally ill and I will never forgive her for how she treated me. Telling me I was a sociopath when I was only 8, making me believe I was bi-polar and schizoaffective, putting me in mental hospitals over and over, forcing me to take at least 10 dangerous medications at a time and when I hid them because I hated how they made me feel (passed out at school in PE), she found the hidden pills and said I was trying to off myself with them. I just hated taking them! And back to the mental hospital I went. When I got older, she would kick me out of the house and then report me as a runaway. She hoards animals, breeds them to abuse and neglect. She is evil. It's been 2 years and I know I will never see her or speak to her again. I am lucky I survived her abuse and she acts like it never happened.
I don’t have a ton to say because you and many of the other commenters summed it up so well, but thank you for this video. It always helps knowing you aren’t alone in your experiences, and it is also nice to see that cycles of generational trauma are finally being broken because people are making conscious decisions to try and end them.
Cutting my abuser (step mother) out of my life was the best thing I've ever done as far as taking care of myself goes. Not having to deal with her threats and manipulations firsthand is much better than whatever bullshit I would be going through if I put in all of my emotional labor into a person who does not love me and never will.
Refusal to help pay for college or other higher education, snide and sarcastic attitudes, laziness, selfishness, self centeredness, boycotting kids' activities, treating them as manservants, maids, gofers, picking fights, bullying, then these same parents grow old and gray and sick and whine the loudest when their kids want nothing to do with them.
Seeing the fates of so many broken families makes me sad, but more than anything it makes me unwaveringly grateful that I have a loving, whole family. That's something we should never take for granted
No child should be made to feel like a burden simply for existing and taking up space that they didn't ask to take up. I didn't realize how different my upbringing was until I moved out of my parent's house, it was a constant struggle of "wait, that's not a normal experience?"
I always knew that there was a bit of a strain between my mom and her adopted parents, but I hadn’t known the extent of it for a long time. I hadn’t realized she’d moved at 23 across the country just to get away from them for the most part. I hadn’t realize the extent of the emotional abuse she had faced from them as a child and the horrific things her father did to her. I can’t even imagine what that’s like, I’m so lucky she’s worked hard to be a good mother to me, she’s not perfect but still a very good mom.
I'm surprised that the simple reason "the parent doesn't care and stop altogether to have a relationship with their child" isn't mentioned. Strangest thing, people always think I wanted that estrangement...
i started cutting contact with my mom during the pandemic due to all the abuse she put me and my sister through growing up. i only ever contacted her first when I specifically needed something and once that was done I stopped. she has occasionally contacted me. my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and i still live with my dad, which is pretty common in my country, despite being in my late 20s. he was so surprised when he realized i wasn't keeping up with her anymore. he kept asking if i missed and seemed so taken aback when i said no. he kept asking until one day my sister and i told him he didn't need to ask because we would never do the same to him, i knew deep down that was his concern because he was putting himself in her shoes, but he was never even half the bad parent she was. he was often late to school meetings and events but he always did his best to show up and did so happily. he left proud no matter what little role we played in the school play or if our teachers mentioned us at all. he did his best to be the best father and i honestly think I'm only alive because he's been so supportive. my mom barely ever even bothered asking us what we did in school before interrupting with some new gossip she heard about someone we didn't even know of or cared for, but my dad to this day not only asks how our day went but he also actively shares information about his day and talks about his worries with us. yeah, I'm never estranging from this man, he's the best man I've ever met.
The amount of controversy Jeanette McCurdy's book title still gathers is a clear example of how deeply the "family is family" idea is rooted in the American values system.
Great topic! I’m 37, and just realized that all the conversations I’ve had with my parents over the last 10 years about my raising my child/behavioral issues were just to deflect from other family problems that were much bigger. Because of all the toxic behavior from all sides of our families, my husband and I have conversations once in a while about how all we can do is DO BETTER than our parents did. We all owe it to our children to acknowledge it, keep reflecting, and try for their sake.
There's also the fear that if you stand up against your abusive parents, they'll kick you out of the house, expecting you to live on your own, even if you're not ready to leave yet, just to prove their point that you need them.
It is a very real fear, and in my case, if I tried to stand up to him, he'd probably kick me out, but sadly that fact is even more proof of why I need to cut him off
My parents put me through horrific narscistic abuse that pushed me so far. It got to the point where I genuinely no longer felt any for of love for them. And it was entirely their fault. It wasn't hard to cut them off. I'm happier now and I actually see myself having a future :) It saved my life and was genuinely the best decision I ever made. I never thought I would experience that happiness again.
I don't have feelings of love towards my parents either. Not after what they did. I did cry after leaving my mom's house for the last time after an argument where she sided with an abusive ex spouse against me, her actual child, but that was more in response to my entire world as I knew it falling down, and I _thought_ I loved her and that we had a good-ish relationship. I'm almost 40 and I *still* have moments where I remember something that I thought was normal only to realize now that it absolutely was NOT. She didn't want me but was pressured to keep me, and I felt that resentment my entire life. Why should I waste any more energy on someone who clearly didn't even want me around from the start? Just because she birthed me? Nah f*ck that.
I went no contact with my father when I was 20 after growing up in a toxic home filled with child abuse and neglect. I'd done all the therapy, done all the work to accept this and be ok with not having him in my life, genuinely at a place where it didn't even make me sad. Then at 31 he reached out to me and is a completely different person, giving me a massively detailed apology and asking for nothing in return. Now I guess he's back in my life and it's strange because, I never had a dad like this, so it's not like I got it "back", I'm just getting a dad for the first time as a grown adult and it's hard to digest. It almost feels like I'm not honouring child me or 20 year old me for allowing him in my life, so back to therapy i go lol Estrangement is hard af, no matter what place you're at with it. Thanks for making a video like this, nice to hear from other people who've felt and experienced the same things.
You're definitely not alone in feeling like that. Now, granted, my experience was with a close friend, but the feelings are similar enough, in my opinion. It's like, all those fights you had, all the time you spend hurting because of your relationship with them... Now they're in your life again. It's the same person, but it's also not... the same person. It's definitely strange and I don't think you're betraying your child self for allowing your dad into your life, because if he's truly changed, you're not allowing your abuser back into your life and can even mean you're letting your inner child a chance to have a true dad. But I definitely think you should take it slow and it's a good idea to seek therapy to help you deal with your emotions. I wish you the best and hopefully your relationship with him will be better
Currently going NC with my father, don't regret a thing. He won't be attending my wedding, nor will he know my address when I finally live with my partner, I don't miss him one bit.
I wonder how many of the estranged parents raised their kids under the banner of "as for me and my house we serve the lord" I'm constantly shocked by how little they remember the abuse they've inflicted, but as they saying goes, the axe forgets but the tree remembers.
I'm 25. I love my mother for some things. But she truly is a toxic woman who needs genuine help. Growing up, I was always told, "Well, she is your family," like it makes up for the utter disrespect I was given. Plot twist is I am adopted, so this argument always fell through the water. In short. True family, for me, are the ones like you describe in the video. Thank you for making this. Makes me feel way more valid and less alone. Also. Loved Gannett McCurdys book. Eye opener.
My mother blamed me for being SA'd as a child by my brother, and was furious that I was talking about it ("What are people going to think of me?"). All my trust was broken at that moment. When I find out I was autistic in my 40s, my father blamed it on my mental health meds. I realized that deep down, my parents were judgmental and couldn't accept me for being me. I had anxiety attacks just being around them. My mental health has improved exponentially since being NC.
I'm still picking apart the ways my mother affected me. All of us kids came out of that relationship as very different people but none of us really stayed in touch with her.
This video was excellently made Cheyenne! I love how you break down the video into clear categories that can occur with parental estrangement. Thank you for treating this topic with nuance and sensitivity. Going NC with parents or family members in general can often be painful and bring heat/hurtful judgement from others that do not know the circumstances that led to that estrangement. I hope that your video can encourage folks to reflect on different perspectives and tap into or heighten understanding, compassion, and empathy on this topic 🩵
I’ve recently gone no-contact with my family and I’ve been desperately searching for communities and videos that.. explain or justify or I don’t know just .. validate that this is not all from me being a failure of a human, that I’m not alone. Every.single.word. Of this video I swear was so resonating and so validating it’s like I’ve been given the permission I’ve been trying to give myself for a very long time. Thank you so much for this. May we all heal and grow together.
I recently started therapy for similar reasons. Had been avoiding it for avoir 20yrs and was beginning to suffer physically. I'm currently reading a lot on parental abuse and emotional immaturity in parents. It hurts every step of the way but in the end it feels liberating. Kind of like ripping a bandaid off slowly.
I feel so bad for people that have to cut out their parents...I don't know what I'd do if I had to cut out or lose one or both of my parents. It's just so nice that when I'm going through a hard time I know I'll always have them to fall back on. And of course that counts the other way around too. And our relationship isn't perfect, we have our fights (mostly just my parents/sister with me just trying to stop them), and my mom was super strict. But when I need them they'll be there, no judgement. I hope everyone that has to cut out their parent(s) can at least find someone that can fill that role for them.
Yours is the only comment that gives me the slightest bit of hope for the future. No parent is perfect, neither is any of their children. Family is the basic unit of society, not the individual. 3 of my children do not bother with me probably for some of the exaggerated reasons given here. I was unfaithful to their mother and she demonised me in their eyes and turned them away from me with lies and half truths. I was a family man and always put my children first. We had our ups and downs but all families do. I'm 70 now and live alone. The funny thing is that they all live alone as well and don't associate with each other either. Its almost like karma has treated them like they have treated me. I know they can't be happy but they don't know where to start to put things right. Christmas is almost here and each of us will be home alone over the holiday period. I sent a text to my eldest son about trying to bring the family back together but he didn't reply. It really hurts me thinking that life must be so lonely for them when it doesn't need to be. There are forces at large trying to destroy the family but it brought it home to me as I read some of the ungrateful and entitled comments with this video. I'm not saying that some children have not suffered abuse but when one poster cited that her father is too Conservative, you would think that her father is less important to her than her political opinion that will probably change as she gets older. This video is pure evil and will cause more misery than happiness. In fact, it will cause no happiness. You are doing the right thing because your children will learn from you. As you support your parents, they will support you and in this harsh world, that will be greater than gold.
@@bodyer2120 your kids are not sitting home alone like you they probably have their own people they enjoy in their life. You just hate that you aren’t included in that group of people. They were right to cut you off and I truly hope they keep it that way. You are the problem.
@@bodyer2120 If I did read the same comment that you did, she stated her father did not respect her own political stances and actively belittled her. Regardless you stated you’re a parent who’s children cut contact, so naturally you want to sympathize with these children’s parents. Perhaps you think they were wronged like you, but everyone has their reasons and freedom to choose. This video brought a lot of comfort and awareness to many people. It might have brought you misery, but it definitely does and will continue to bring happiness to many others.
It took me many many years to finally go NC. My younger step-brother had cut the parents out a few years before for different reasons. I wanted to but was kept back because our larger family seemed to be coming together, who was I to just break that up? But I did 2 years ago now. I didn't make a statement, or say anything, I just stopped calling. When family asked me, I just said I didn't want to talk to her. It was the best thing. Learning that I don't have to forgive someone, no matter how much they might have "changed" or how many times they apologized, or how much people talked about what a different person she was. I had to push my own feelings down for 25 years, and I wasn't gonna do that anymore. I deserve to have space, and not be constantly fighting triggers of the horrible things she had done. Now me and all my step brothers have cut contact, all for different reasons, and we're all much happier for it.
So tired of hearing the “but they’re still your parent and it makes me sad you won’t give them another chance” argument from other family members. I grew up with them as my main support system. I had to cater to and make excuses for them my entire life. Nobody who hasn’t had my parents will understand how their actions have hurt me and nobody who hasn’t had my parents should be allowed to criticize me for taking the steps I need to protect myself from further harm from them. I don’t care if it’s my grandparents or my aunts and uncles, they may know my parents but they do not know what it’s like to live under their authority for 18 years. I have made every possible effort to help better my relationship with them but when little to no effort is returned and the abusive behavior continues I am not obligated to stick around. They should have had so many moments of realization. I have spent too much time soul searching and problem solving and taking care of them and I am not wasting my time on it anymore. They have been given every possible opportunity to change and I have held their hand and taken each step with them along the way and it’s clear that they simply know what’s wrong and do not wish to do anything to fix the relationship. They cannot have me around and not do the work to keep me here. I would never be expected to stay if I was treated this way in any other kind of relationship but for some reason when it comes to parents we’re expected to be forgiving. No kid should have to act as a parental figure to their actual parent. They aren’t our responsibility.
as someone who grew up with an absent parent who I have now cut all ties with, this video was so validating!! I don't regret my decision at all and the only thing that makes me even really think about it at is the societal expectation to have 2 parents and idea that you always have to forgive your family members
thank you for this, there are so many complex feelings involved in being estranged from your parents and it's really helpful to know i'm not alone in dealing with that, especially this time of year. great video!
My parents divorced when I was about nine years old. I was (finally) able to cut my father out of my life when I was eighteen. It was such a relief to not be worried about what he'll want or say. I'm twenty-one now and I've never been happier
I needed this. My sibling and I haven't gone no-contact, but we have taken to holding our parents at arms' length this past year. It's refreshing and comforting to hear your words on this. Thank you.
This is a very beautiful video. I’m not fully estranged from my parents because I cannot take care of all of my finances alone, but I live on my own and talk to them when I feel like it. I told them about a year ago how I felt and they were genuinely apologetic. One conversation couldn’t fix nearly three decades of pain, but it’s made me realize that their parenting style was a product of the society they grew up in as well. We’re all an endless chain of victims hurting each other and being able to stand up to that and put an end to it is so important
Parents need to step back and think to themselves “What can I do to fix this? What have I done to ruin this relationship?” Not see it as an attack or an act of entitlement; a threat to their “authority.” A child doesn’t cut off a parent for “no reason.” All the adults/teens I know that cut their parents off had every right to, they didn’t feel loved or safe. A parent could abandon/neglect a child at any given moment if they wanted to, they don’t need a reason because THEY are the one that brought the kid here. If someone cut their parent off, that parent HAD to have done something. Kids don’t cut parents off because they WANT to and are ungrateful, they do it to protect themselves…because that’s the only way they can protect their mental and physical health.
This is such an important video. My father’s generation (boomers) believe they are owed respect simply because they’re a parent. I believe parents have to earn respect by showing their kids they matter and are loved no matter what. My dad and I didn’t have contact for nearly three years. I wrote to him four months ago just to see if we could make things work. He’s chosen to gaslight me, cherry pick things I say to respond to and now I’m done for good. He hasn’t ever been a good father to any of his kids. I know I tried and I’m at peace. I’m not going to let the societal pressure get to me.
Younger parents arent immune to this parental entitlement. I struggle with all of my parent friends and cousins who constantly whine like their infant children persecute them, they always portray themselves as victims, completely helpless un the face of babies but it's actually the other way around.
there is no evolutionary precedent for this mindset. Nature is brutally competitive, even moreso than capitalism in the 19th century. It's more like gang wars. With that said, every single species will lay down its life to preserve offspring whilst expecting nothing in return. If parents don't want to raise chidlren, they don't have to. Yet they do.
Thank you for posting this video. I grew up in a Korean immigrant family that had delusional expectations for me to succeed. Without hyperbole they passive-aggressively told me on a daily basis: "We work 80hrs a week running a dry cleaners, so you should spend 80hrs a week studying and go to Harvard, marry a nice Korean girl and let us brag that we raised a doctor." I remember throwing up because I got spanked for coming home with anything less than straight A's and crying myself to sleep because I really liked a cute Lebanese girl and wanted to ask out in high school but knew I wasn't allowed to date outside my race and there was no negotiating with authoritarian parents... Well.. I never got into Harvard, I'm really happy with the Turkish woman (Hey, I have a thing for Arab girls) I'm married to now and I may not be a physician my career has really taken off in field I enjoy. The best decision I made was cutting the toxic parents out of my life and never looking back. None of the happiness I have today would be possible if they were still part of my life.
Just hit a breaking point with my parent so I'm interested in this video ETA: this video is wildly on point. If I thought it would make a difference I'd send it to my parent. It's comforting to see people get it
thank you so much for making this video. it's very healing to see everybody talking about their experiences in the comments and i loved hearing your thoughts. Family estrangement is a lonely thing to go through but we are not alone in experiencing it and i appreciate the growing conversation around it so much. i was definitely raised with the "family is everything and therefore you need to put up with everyone's bullshit and smile through it" attitude and was treated as unreasonable and selfish for complaining from a young age that that made me feel stifled, hurt and alienated. From how they're treating me now, I think my parents think I've just turned into an asshole because I have started setting boundaries and i'm not tolerating and accommodating things i don't want to anymore, but they also have never had any clue what's going on in my brain because they don't really know me. It's already very painful as is, but the stigma around seriously criticizing or distancing yourself emotionally or physically from parents/family makes it even worse (often when i try to speak about how my parents have hurt me i get the deeply invalidating "Ladybird" response of "but they're such a nice/good person!" - like, okay, but that doesn't make them a good parent! lol) so I deeply appreciate you helping to build spaces like this where we can talk about it honestly and without stigma.
This is… very timely for what's going on with my family. It's honestly so validating to see this video since I generally face so much questioning and guilting from others when I say that I cut ties with my family. I was legit tearing up while watching.
i’m in the process of accepting i was abused emotionally and at times physically. Hearing the quote from jeannette mccurdy, “unless you’ve experienced abuse from your parents, you’ll never understand it” really stuck with me. I understand estrangement and at points consider it, but I still feel the weight of societal pressure and the love I do still have for them. This was just such a helpful video, thank you so much ❤
Thank you for making this. I had to tell both my parents this year that we don't have relationships and that I won't be spending any time around them because they refuse to use my name and pronouns. I never thought my parents would choose their (bigoted) beliefs over a relationship with their child, but they have. Apparently my pictures have been taken down from the family picture wall and it's honestly really devastating. But I know I deserve to be respected and that I can't have a relationship with them as long as they aren't willing to listen to me and change. I hope everyone else having a hard time this season doesn't feel so alone 🖤 you deserve healthy, loving relationships
I Also wish people talked more about the in-between between pure estrangement and being close with your parent. It seems like we present it as a very binary thing. Either you’re close with your parents, or you’ve cut them off. My parents never abused me, my childhood was overall okay and I am grateful for that. But now that I’m an adult, I just don’t have a compatible personality with my parents. They want me to go to church, they are disappointed that I don’t own a home or have a spouse or kids and I don’t make as much money as they did at my age, and every conversation I have with them always ends in a passive-aggressive means of telling me that my lifestyle is wrong. When I visit them, I have a curfew (I’m 30) and they expect me to tell them EVERYTHING. They were never like this when I was a child. So nowadays, I call them every couple months, catch up, and keep the conversation brief. When they get too old to take care of themselves, I’ll make sure they are in a safe and healthy environment, and I will visit them often. But I will never live with them again.
I graduated at 18 and almost immediately went to live several states away. I can honestly say had I not done this my relationship with my mom would be in shambles. It was the start of me setting firm boundaries with her she couldn't break.
I had to cut off my mother around 2018, and last night I had to cut off my father, too. He was charged with felony child abuse. I am struggling to come to terms with my father's actions. How they were not okay by any stretch of the imagination, but I am *still* facing pressure to "get over it" from people I respect and (in some ways) trust. I feel so horribly alone but I am sticking to my guns because I think that it is the right thing to do. Child abuse is wrong, and if nobody else will bring consequences for it, I guess I will have to be the one to do that. Thanks for this video. It made me feel a bit less alone.
this video mean so much to me. both of my parents were extremely selfish and abusive. they broke my heart and soul. knowling that i'm not alone means a lot
Thank you so much for this video. My parents, especially my mother, always made me feel like a burden to them growing up. I have no desire to have a relationship with them now.
does anyone know what movies clips were included :/// wish there was like a citation included
movies/tv shows in order they appear:
0:12 Turning Red (2022)
0:14 Miss Juneteenth (2020)
0:17 Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (2017)
0:19 Lady Bird (2017)
0:21 Fences (2017)
1:29 Mad Men (2007)
2:13 Bad Moms 2: A Bad Moms Christmas (2017)
3:46 The Joy Luck Club (1993)
@@CheyenneLin You should always be including citations or at the very least titles of media referenced. Video essays are no exception to maintaining academic integrity. It's to respect the original artists who created that work that you use in your videos, and it also helps people know what your sources are.
@@floofzykitty5072 It's true that it's more beneficial all around to have more information, but she didn't actually reference any of the dialogue or plot points from any of these shows/movies. She just included muted clips of them which, from the body language and context of the video, we can piece together what is happening with the characters if we haven't already seen it before.
The video itself wouldn't be lacking any of the research Cheyenne did if these clips were removed. It's not something that needs to be "sourced" in this way seeing as how it's not a "professional" or "academic" piece of literature... it's a RUclips video. She's using these clips as fair use and is not claiming ownership of them.
I do prefer the names of the movies being added (and the timestamps are definitely helpful to match which one is to which clip, of course!), but it's really not so serious in the first place to not have that. To insinuate she should do one thing or the other so as to not "disrespect" someone she is clearly not harming or disturbing in the first place is unfair and comes across as holier than thou, especially if (keyword if) you yourself aren't creating any similar content in the first place.
@@feliciaroseantonia I think it's similar to when people cite art used in written articles. Even if not referenced directly, they were used as a visual reference.
I appreciate them amending it in the comments, but hopefully they'll remember next time around. :D
@@feliciaroseantonia Fair use and academic integrity aren’t actually that closely related in this context.
Fair use is a legal concept. Of course it is also an ethical concept as most if not all laws are, but first and foremost it is used to determine if a use of copyrighted material requires the permission of the owner to be used.
Academic integrity has no legal basis and is primarily an ethical concept that should be respected like you respect another persons’ rights. For example, journalists do not write articles that are peer reviewed and require detailed APA referencing, but ethically they should maintain academic integrity by citing their sources. In the context of a video essay where background footage is used more as a visual aid, academic integrity is more about respect for the original artists.
I think a lot of people don't realize that this isn't merely growing pains that come from being a child growing into a young adult and then into adulthood. This is a denial of autonomy, of personhood and of recognizing that you have the right to express yourself as you see yourself. This is someone constricting your freedom and the ways that you see yourself and just because that person gave birth to you or clothed you or fed you does not mean that you have to put up with their degradation. Everyone deserves the right to be free and autonomous and to express themselves how they see fit. No one deserves abuse. Abused people don't always hate their abuser; they hate themselves.
"Abused people don't always hate their abuser; they hate themselves." EXACTLY
Couldn't have said it better myself
SOME of them hate themselves! Don't over-generalize.
Absolutely 👍🏿
@@naomistarlight6178 reading comprehension is key here. OP didn’t make a sweeping generalization with their statement. You did with your interpretation. Read it again : Abused people DON’T ALWAYS hate their abuser; they hate themselves.
That “dont always” is a clear indicator that this statement doesn’t apply to everyone.
“Even though all parents might believe they love their children unconditionally, there usually are many strings attached.”
This is why I am in therapy, my mom adds too many conditions.
Loving your child unconditionally does not mean raising a “spoiled brat”.
@@btsarmyforever3816 loving unconditionally does not mean not discipline or letting the child get away with anything. It means not hurting your child or kicking them out or something similar for something the child cannot control, such as gender/sexuality or mental health stuff or neurodivergencies. That’s not a perfect explanation as those are only a few examples but that’s the basics
@@elfi643 even with things the child does somewhat control: interests, hobbies, partner (like Cheyenne mentioned), the parent should love unconditionally. But yeah, I agree, "unconditionally" doesn't mean the kid gets to go around being an a**hole
@@btsarmyforever3816 was gonna say the same thing. I keep trying to get this through my little brothers head. He’s awful to people but also super needy. I keep telling him that nobody is going to love you just for the fact that you exist. You can’t just use up everyone’s resources and not give them anything in return. And that doesn’t have to be a physical thing. It can be meeting the emotional needs of the people you rely on when they need it. But no. The only time he acts interested in anything anyone has to say is when he’s getting ready to ask for something.
the problem about being a kid is nobody takes you seriously, especially your parents. i don't think my parents realized until recently that i am my own person and not a trophy, pawn, or prop.
They should, but many don't. I'm sorry you dealt with that
hell I'm 18, cut contact with my folks, pay my own bills, work hard (I'm aiming for a promotion), do literally everything from healthcare to rest the way an adult does, and people still don't take me seriously.
Cuz if they do take you seriously other people consider that an inappropriate relationship. Like people are dumb founded that i was able to justify my side with my mom like 8% of the time but thats cuz she wanted to teach me agency instead if being an obedient lil bitch who doesn’t stand up to oppression. Mom much rather me be difficult and cause our enemies problems than be easy to handle cuz she isn’t a coward.
That's why I always treat kids with respect. Even if I still don't know how to talk to them or even particularily like them.
and then they deny that treating a child like a doll or toy has any adverse affects on their psyche, putting all the blame on the child for being mistreated.
My parents were abusive but I still wasn't able to cut them off until I was almost 30 because the societal pressure of family being everything is so hard to overcome.
Filipino family or similar? Same here good sir/ madam.
@@kalebgonzales4009 White, midwestern family. If I wanted to spend time with friends my dad used to say things along the lines of 'When you grow up you won't have friends, only family' and it used to make me really afraid of growing up.
@@TheSrawsome YO!! My dad would say the same shit to me! Growing up, whenever I brought up my friends my dad would say something along the lines of "theses people don't matter/you won't even remember them in a couple of years," and because I was a child, I took what he said to heart. Fast-forward to me being an adult, and he has the nerve to be shocked/disappointed when I tell him I don't have any close friends. Sorry to rant, I didn't want to just say 'same' 😅
@@marst5914 I'm sorry you had to deal with it too, we're not alone.
Yes the endless "but they're your PARENTS". My tip is to look them dead in the eye and say "yes exactly, the people who were supposed to love me most did that to me, how do you forgive that".
The number of people who ask "who's going to take care of you when you're old if you don't get married and have kids?" is baffling. Like, that's clearly not guaranteed anyway, as this video shows, and they're telling on themselves for having children so they can raise up their own personal slaves
The pervasive mentality of capitalism, having children to be personal servants in the home to cover what you either can't do (due to constantly working to be able to pay to live), or won't do (on account of being a shitty person), actually encourages this dehumanizing behavior in families. It's literally ones of the only few things that **has** trickled down to everyone. I hope more people come to understand this and other perspectives as the capitalist issues they are.
Abused people are the scapegoats of those who refuse to learn new ways to handle their pain, as many older people tend to feel religious avenues are sufficient for really deeply-engrained mental health issues that actually need medical help, not to mention the lack of meaningful and adequate access to mental health services unless it's time to prosecute you in the criminal justice system for acting out your long-ignored dysfunctions. It's a complete mess.
Everyone is done a disservice by not abolishing this mess. The entire society will need to be restructured if anything is to survive even climate change, let alone this dynamic, and this video is but one facet of shining light on this. It's not just jobs, gender, romantic relationships, and housing. Being deprived of basic needs and expecting a healthy familial unit to come out of that is nothing short of delusion.
Also the fact that the concept of basic needs continues to be seen as food, shelter, water, clothing, without any regard for the state these needs are in, is part of the problem, too. If someone has a roof over their head but it's got poor water quality (Flint, MI + Jackson, MS), lead and radioactive contaminants (historically redlined urban areas near oil refineries or other heavy industry), the house has roaches or rats or pervasive mold, the clothing lasts only a few months to a year (fast fashion industry + planned obsolescence - the textile edition), then there is no amount of meeting "basic needs" that matters because the needs are met in an unsustainable and existentially dreadful manner that yields low quality of life.
I'm sure this is long off-topic from the original comment (sorry!), but I feel like this is something everyone, regardless of capitalist stance for or against, understands but doesn't want to acknowledge as contributing to something like family issues, given how out of hand everything that needs to be helped has gotten but anyway.
@axeslinger94 I have noticed this happening too, for the past decade I have seen dysfunctionality within people (families), industries (large business markets), technology (internet and other media related businesses), the doctrines (religions) crumbling down and the mass consumption of items we bring into our lives just to fill in that whole of "I'm unhappy so I'm going to make someone else unhappy" or "I'm empty inside so I'm going to buy these things so I'm fuller and richer" It all starts with how we treat ourselves and then how we treat others. Sadly, this topic of *fulfillment within* is not taught by parents or teachers. I've read various studies where it states that young adults never learned how to set up healthy boundaries or how to find happiness in self-love and self-esteem. The parents state in the review that their children look selfish and self-entitled. They [their children] deserve to suffer out in the world if they continue on that path. Which to us sounds absolutely horrible!
We need to continue talking about this topic and share Cheyenne Lin's videos with everyone.
@@axeslinger94 this is older than capitalism though. having kids as free labour was the norm for numerous communities throughout the world before capitalism
@@axeslinger94 granted that behavior was something carried over from agrarian society that depended on the effective free labor of children to function. It's always been in the ruling classes interest to have to provide as little as possible while extracting as much as possible from the "peasantry", but it does align well with capitalism, probably why it survived and under certain strains even harder enforced.
The phrase "you have to love/forgive/excuse them because they are family" has done so much harm. I was raised with an older sibling that was very mentally & emotionally abusive. When I would go to family members crying because of something they did or said to me I was told "that's just how they are you know". I just assumed that's how every family was. until one night we were out at dinner with some extended family we had not seen in a while. I had terrible acne and a nervous tick of picking at scabs. and was in the middle of a seriously bad outbreak at the time. The sibling made a comment about "the massive craters and holes all over my face being horrible to look at". While I was holding back tears, my Mom laughed it off saying "oh be nice". The other family member immediately jumped on my sibling scolding them for talking about me like that and being so heartless then got on my Mom for letting them talk to me like that and then just laughing it off while I was trying to not breakdown at the table. That was the first time I ever had the thought that I don't have to take that kind of treatment. That was the first time I was told it was not ok for family to treat you like that and you don't have to take it just because they are family. I have since cut all ties with that sibling and have VERY limited contact with my Mom. My mental health is still a mess, but cutting those ties was the best thing I have ever done for myself.
That phrase is no different than telling a man that he needs to, "man up". Which is basically saying that his feelings dont matter and he needs to ignore whatever is going on.
I wish i had family who supported me like that but they just get manupulated by the abuser that its all my fault
I'm gonna get a lot of backlash just for moving out but i will stay strong and start my healing journey
Fuck it. I forgave my domestic violent parents too much. And had mercy and was filled with love towards them. Big mistake. I deserve better and should have not tried having a relationship with them.
Your making it sound like they killed your dog in front of you 😂
@@thirtythree504 sounds like you behave very similarily to her family and that maybe instead of blaming others you're the problem
This is definitely an issue within black families, Im Caribbean and the toxicity has been passed on I see how my grandmother treated my mother badly and now my parents are toxic to me, the bs I’ve had to deal with from my mother is unreal.
She constantly reminds me how she gave birth to me and how she ensured I was fed and has a home. I’m a thread away from telling her to leave me alone for good because she is a horrible person I have more bad memories than good. I never asked to be born. I can’t be grateful for something I NEVER asked for.
Being fed and housed is the bare minimum, you are right to feel the way you do.
Damnnnn - how we have evolved.
Yep. Having kids is forcing someone to exist without their permission and parents everywhere use that as a gotcha. It's disgusting.
And you don't have to be. If you decide to have a child it's your duty to feed it and keep it warm. It's the bare effen minimum. Like you can't start a job and then be amazed when you're asked to do work. Don't buy into that crap. I'm sorry that is happening to you. You don't have to take it if you don't want to. Hugs
Makes sense. I'd say this is most Caribbean mothers tbh
Going NC was the healthiest thing I ever did for myself. I wish my mom well, but her happiness is her own problem; not mine. I am deeply grateful that she has respected my request for distance. The greatest gift she ever gave me was room to heal.
You’re a lot nicer than me, my wish for *my* mom is a Mother Gothel ending
I wish you good luck in your healing journey! Hopefully space gives you time to return to some form of normalcy.
All power to you! I offer a somewhat bittersweet congratulations. You're strong beyond belief and have done what was necessary to be who you need to be.
I moved to another state as well, after college. My mom supporting that even though it was clearly so hard for her was great. Now I've ended up moving back in because of this and that, and there's a noticeable difference in how she sees and treats me. I think she was afraid I would never come back, and at one time I didn't plan to.
I’m NC with my father right now and he STILL has emailed me (I don’t know if he’s continued to call and text because I blocked him). I would be a lot more open minded if he could just pay me that simple respect
The most difficult aspect of cutting off my mother was her trying to regain contact. I’ve been no contact for a year now and she has tried to contact me multiple times. I put no contact as a boundary and insisted I would reach out if I was ever ready; this boundary has been broken a few times now. Every time she does my entire day is relegated to a breakdown due to the struggle of realizing she is the same person and nothing has changed; by her breaking a simple boundary. When societally we view children as “privileged” for cutting off their parents don’t realize how hard it is to cut of an abuser who was supposed to be your protector. No one wants to not have parents, but some have to out of self preservation.
When I moved my dad would send birthday cards and Christmas cards he did that for 2 years and that was it. I actually liked some of the contact I didn’t want to read his letters though and I was even considering sending him a card on occasion, but he stopped and I really don’t want the stress of it because he demanded unconditional love and usedhis negative traits to test the people that love him. I still love him but all his actions did was push me away.
"No one wants to not have parents"
This! People act like I'm just mean, especially people who are best friends with their parents. Like do you think I didn't WANT that? Do you think not I'm happy for people like you but my heart breaks to see a mum who gleefully meets her adult child's partner? Or they just go shopping? Who travel miles and miles just to spend a holiday together? That's beautiful, why is the immediate response that I must be some soulless evil btch and throw that away because I want to or something. Im at a point where my mum has hurt me so much I don't want to fix our relationship, but I wish it didn't have to crumble to begin with.
I feel seen ❤ sending love.
❤ as someone who has been through a very similar process, sending you love and patience. You deserve every inch of those boundaries!!
I know the feeling, have been no contact with my dad for a year now. He does not understand boundaries. I just feel bad for my brothers. They are worried about losing me, I let them know that my issues with my dad were not issues with them. And they would have to do something horrible for me to cut them off like I did with my dad.
I am particularly devastated that those who live with their abusive parents don't have a choice, as the housing/rent prices have become ridiculous.
Especially those with disabilities and are basically stuck with their parents. You cant exactly get a job and save up to move out.
They're choosing to put a roof over your head rather than kick you out, & you're choosing to take advantage of their willingness to help you.
@@sheilawebb9746 Nice victim blaming. I would rather be kicked out and die somewhere in the corner than having to endure their abuses and belittlement.
@@rockocandyeye if being homeless is actually better, then why keep living with them though? There are other options. Everywhere is highering right now, with lower preformance expectations than they used to have, because they're so desparate for workers, & what about room-mates to split the cost?
@@sheilawebb9746 some roomates are assholes. Why some people still live with their parents despite them being shitty? Narcisstic parents won't let their kids out of their control. They'll do anything to keep them close to them. If their kids want to move out, the parents will pretend to be nice and love bombing them, distracting their attention away from their freedom. That's also why many abused victims have a hard time to leave their abusive partners. Instead of blaming them, why don't you try to understand their struggles and pain? If things were so easy to deal with it, nobody would complain anything
I ceased contact with a parent 12 years ago. And as if that wasn’t hard enough, there were all the people who would gasp and go “you don’t talk? But that’s your mother!” It’s been amazing to see things change and that these conversations and understandings are taking place. Thank you Cheyenne.
"But that's your mother!" Is something my partner hears constantly still, even after explaining how abusive his mother was. To me, that doesn't make any sense. Who cares if you got your genetics from her if she's awful? What does that change? Nobody thinks that's something to put up with if it's literally any other role. What makes that one so special that it can't be broken no matter what? I've tried asking and I still haven't gotten a coherent response.
@@YourWaywardDestiny I’m sorry for your partner-and it really speaks to how children (even when they grow up) are regarded as inferior/secondary in consideration to their parents. Like it doesn’t matter how old you are, if you’re going to speak honestly and negatively about your caretakers then you should still be “seen and not heard”.
I luckily surrounded myself with a lot of people who did respect it when I said i cut off my mother for being abusive. I cut her off nearly 15 years ago now and we were estranged until her death, which was nearly 3 years ago. I was basically estranged for 12 years total and i was so lucky compared to adults who suffer still being abused by their parents into adulthood. I got to start my healing journey earlier. I cut my mom off on my 18th birthday and it's a long process but by the time I'm raising kids i will have processed my own trauma and triggers so much more than most parents do.
@VioletEmerald ❤️❤️🩹❤️
@@VioletEmerald I'm humbled by your courage and perseverance to free Yourself from abuse at a young age. Consciously becoming estranged from an abuser in order to protect yourself was the right thing to do as a first step. The goal am sure was to create a safe space for you to not only survive but thrive financially, emotionally, physically and psychologically. I am happy for you and I am sure you will be successful in Processing the abuse. Healing the woods is hard work but desensitizing and reprocessing traumatic experiences from childhood abuse will little by little put a stop to negative and inappropriate response to triggering. May you Love yourself the way you would have wanted your mother to love you. Believe me You Are Precious but she simply was not capable of love. through healing you will make an excellent mother should you choose to have children. Many Blessing to you.
It took me until I became a parent myself to cut my toxic parent off. I couldn’t let this generational curse pass on.
That’s exactly why I don’t want kids. I’m terrified of being a neglectful mother like mine was.
@@jaycee3177 You'd already be a better mother by that sense because neglectful mothers wouldn't care.
@@ooostarb3rryooo Very True 🙌
absolutely. sacrificing my own mental health and risking my physical safety is my problem. letting my child face even a little bit of that danger would make me a POS
Yes, same situation for me. I have 2 daughters who I love more than anything in this world. I give them love, support and respect which was completely void in my childhood. It feels great to break the curse.
I almost teared up watching this. This cut deep like a knife 😢.
The part where you said “Children are to be seen, and not heard” is a common rhetoric in the Black community. Lots of Black parents love to instill fear in their children young and children shouldn’t go against their demands or they will be beaten. I’m glad that this generation is focusing on gentle parenting and breaking toxic ways we were brought up by our parents whether it’s respecting boundaries or having a space to be completely vulnerable without being dismissive or insensitive.
I feel you on this. I'm going to work twice as hard in order for myself to be more successful. My dad always gives this ugly looks to me for no reason.
While I don't hate him, I understand where most of my insecurities come from.
CW: non graphic mentions of emotional, psychological and physical abuse, what would probably be classified as sexual harrassment of minors and religious homophobia/toxicity
I'm eastern european and was brought up the same way - not allowed to disagree, never allowed to bring up my concerns unless my mother decided I had them, at constant risk of violence for forgetting to do the smallest thing despite me having very obvious and severe memory and emotional regulation issues. Forced to be okay with older relatives I had seen like 3 times in my entire life to kiss me on my lips way into my teens, parents not being disgusted by older relatives sexualizing me just talking to boys before I even started my period, being forced to be around people who openly stated they want me dead because of their faith, intensely shamed for symptoms of a burnout even after a therapist stated I needed rest immediately (thanks to hallucinations, crying all the time, struggling to chew food, etc). And the only people around me who seem to be bothered by this sort of parenting style seem to be mental health professionals and my peers most of the time (and even some of those think all of this is excusable because "they're from a different time"). I hope this sort of mentality is dying out but honestly it doesn't always seem like it is
It's okay 🫂
@@miglek9613 I’m truly sorry. If I may recommend a RUclipsr, his name is Daniel Mackler. Check him out, he may just be able to help. He discusses childhood trauma.
My mother probably still thinks I ceased contact with her for a "political disagreement", but it's like you said. For her it's sudden, but for me it's something I've wanted for a long, long time, but never had the courage to do. It's been 2 years now and honestly I've never been happier. It was such an stressful and toxic relationship.
4 plus years for me and the best decision I ever made. Some parents don’t deserve their children.
There's an amazing blog about estranged parent forums that sums up the deluded and narcissistic thinking prevalent in those groups
@@crazydragy4233 oh they are gold mines of mental gymnastics that's for sure...but some of the kids stories are equally bad at times. I've known people in real life that clearly were the problem...
But either way these are often really out their in their conclusions not what they think happened
It's perfectly normal for family members not to always agree on aspects of values, political, religious or otherwise. Just because family doesn't share our values doesn't necessarily make them bad. Family dynamics can be complex too, but that's not so unusual either. Unless, there is real abuse, cutting off a parent from something like political differences is just sad. My relationship with my parents actually grew stronger the older I became b/c I was able to see my parents as human and accept their imperfections...just as I was able to accept my own imperfections.
@@kristinab1078You may have missed the point of the previous comment. Nobody cuts off a family member based on a difference of opinion. That's what his Mom *thought* it was about but he needed to get away for a long, long time. Sounds like the Mom was a narcissist. Your comment leads me to believe you've never had to suffer an abusive or narcissist parent. Your comment is what innocent, naive, ignorant people say that Drives victims Nuts! It assigns guilt and shame for those Needing to save their sanity, forcing them back into a dangerous, destructive, abusive, chaotic relationship with a manipulative parent. My advice is *Run* ! Your perspective is that of a "flying monkey", always trying to steer the victim back into the abusers arms, completely oblivious to the torment and torture because you don't see it, you've never experienced it, and you're one of those "let's all play nice now, kids", well-intentioned, sincere people paving the road to hell. You don't even realize the harm.
I went nc to protect myself. CPS thought having my grandparents raise me was a good idea, despite my mother being extremely unstable and an addict. They didnt think their parenting contributed to it. Turns out, they were just more subtle about it.
Growing up, perfection was expected of me. I had to retake kindergarten, because my grandparents straight up figured that I'd learn to read myself. Several professionals thought I had adhd. I do have adhd. It was something they chose not to treat. I would also be grounded every time i got sick because grandpa believed that sickness was a reflection of who you were personally. He would get even more mad if I couldn't "tough it out"
He expected me to know how chores were done. Never really taught me anything, would just yell at me. But when I'd do them he'd get mad at me and a screaming match would ensue. He was insistent i was incompetent, that I'd fail without him. I believed him.
At some point, the veil had been lifted completely. I was forced to go to college, so I chose to become a teacher. I became a mandatory reporter through what was basically a teaching 101 program for seniors in high school, and finally was like "You know that you're abusive, right? That screaming at me and calling me names isn't normal, and isn't okay, right?"
He agreed. He apologized but essentially said that was how he communicated and he was preparing me for the real world, anyway. That same year he held me hostage. I wasnt allowed to leave the house at all, or really my room over christmas break because a teacher told him I was faking mental illness to get out of work. I just asked for a little bit of leniency, that i would do the work, just needed more time. It was a nightmare. He was so awful and disrespectful. i was eighteen, and didn't know that he was committing a crime in "grounding" me like this. I began to drink and do drugs during this time. How could i get ahold of them despite not being allowed to leave the house? Easy, my grandparents drank and did drugs and grandma was an enabler.
I managed to convince my grandpa that my friends dad was having a new years thing, and he let me go. Turns out it was a new years party with my friends cousin (who has become a part of my family of choice) and her partner. We drank and smoked. It was such a nice time. Then, I traumadumped and my now-sibling was like, "He's committing a crime, you could put him in jail."
When the punishment ended, I told him if he ever did this again, I'd call the cops. Strangely, that's when he decided I was too old to be grounded.
The night I left he told me I'd fail. I've flourished. I work a full time job and I struggle with ptsd and borderline personality disorder, but I'm better. I had been convinced that I was the abuser as well, but that part of me is healing. I haven't talked to him or grandma since october 26, 2018.
Good you are doing well, without them, best revenge,
Jesus I'm so sorry you went through that, I'm so glad you were able to get away from them and that you were able to thrive, I've gone through a similar experience so I understand how painful and terrifying it can be to be in this situation and not be able to escape, I hope you're more happy and healing now 💕💕
@@whos-violet-mars I'm also sorry you went through that, it really blows. It took alot of therapy and my family of choice very patiently teaching me life skills, as well as treating my mental health and chronic pain seriously to get where i am now, and I wouldn't change a thing about my new life.
@@velveetaenthusiast It's good that you have a choosen family that actually loves and cares for you, I'm sure it was really hard, I'm also trying to heal with the family members that do care for me and my friends and it's difficult but I know I can get to where I want to be like you, it's always nice knowing that even tho the people that were supposed to care for us didn't that we can find people that do ^_^
I'm so so proud of you, I'm so glad you got out.
Great stuff, I noticed this pattern of media beginning to portray how actually complex family dynamics are and that not everything is as simple as "family is family". You gave a lot of nuance to this topic
I cut contact with my parents and my father hired a private investigator to find me. When the investigator found me and made contact with me, I found out my father had told him I had been kidnapped. Luckily when I explained the situation and that I was purposefully trying not to be found he understood and agreed not to share my contact info or anything with my father.
My parents got the cops to take me to the mental hospital when i told the extended family what was going on between us....the shrink called my parents and told them to fk off, I'm an adult, and the cops will arrest THEM if they don't retreat. They took the warning, I never spoke to them again..its been 9 years. Ironic thing is they disowned me!! They just didn't think i'd tell all our cousins, aunts, uncles, etc..they actually thought i'd just dissapear.
I was lucky to not grow up with abusive parents. It breaks my heart that so many children experience it. I don’t understand why people have children they aren’t willing to treat right and love.
So cute!!! Not a lot of people who haven't experienced abusive parents are empathetic like you. It felt good to read your comment!
These people have children so they can have a little slave they can exert power over. Slavery isn't legal but having children is, and underage children have few rights, and the few they have, they are rarely believed on, because "it's a kid what do they know", and parents also threaten them if they say anything they'll be taken away to a worse place (newspapers writing horror stories about physical abuse and sexual harassment in foster families and orphanages support that fear), so the kid is stuck. Most "normal" people claim family is sacred so they reinforce the idea in the kid it's stuck with its parents no matter what.
My mom had kids cuz it was expected. She said she cried when she found out she pregnant with brother and again when she found out she was pregnant with me. She didn’t want kids, but she’d been told her whole life that that was what girls were supposed to want.
@@jaycee3177 yeah that’s unfortunate, but it still doesn’t mean she didn’t have an obligation to treat you well and with love (if she did, that’s great)
Because abortion isn’t accessible to many people
It's such a strange dynamic when those that hurt you also care about you and say they love you. It hurts when their hurt wasn't meant to scar, yet it has. I'm going through a lot with my father who was verbally abusive until I was 17 and the yelling stopped effecting me, so he stopped. I'm 21 now and my parents recent divorce has caused me to re-evaluate a lot of things, and I'm still in the process. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but it's really fitting I stumble across this video now.
Oh my word. This.
Abusive parenting is For sure a Trauma. As a child I internalized my parents toxic relationship especially during divorce time. Then my mother alienated me from my father who I never saw again. Get some help from a psychologist with with PTSD experience. If you need to go NC until you feel safer do it but NC alone will not help. It is a bit easier to heal 21 years of CPTSD than at age 48 and it will also help with healthy future romantic relationships.
They don’t love you or care about you more than they would care about a microwave or something
I cut my mother out permanently in 2015 and I have never regretted doing so. My life has only improved as a result. I have no plans or desire to reconcile either. Not only was she incredibly abusive to me, at this point we share no common ground or interests and I don't think she's someone I could even just be friends with. It's okay to break up with people that hurt you, even if those people are your parents.
She is definitely a Boomer, but I loved that when Emily Yoffe was Dear Prudence, she did a article called "What do adult children owe abusive parents?", which TL;DR is nothing. Here are her gems:
"Choosing not to forgive does not doom someone to being mired in the past forever. Accepting what happened and moving on is a good general principle. But it can be comforting for those being browbeaten to absolve their parents to recognize that forgiveness works best as a mutual endeavor. After all, many adult children of abusers have never heard a word of regret from their parent or parents. People who have the capacity to ruthlessly maltreat their children tend toward self-justification, not shame."
She wrote of a Dear Prudence letter called "Sadder but Wiser" where the letter writer wrote in that "verbally humiliated her son when he was a boy, realized the damage she had done, changed her ways and apologized. But her son, who recently became a father, has only a coolly cordial relationship with her, and she complained that she wanted more warmth and caring. I suggested she should be glad that he did see her, stop whining for more and tell her son she admires he is giving his little boy the childhood he deserves and that he didn't get."'
"Sometimes the best thing to do is just close the door."
You said it best. Forced forgiveness is just next level abuse. If forgiveness isn't earned, forcing someone to forgive is forcing them to enable and justify abusive behaviour. Most abusers don't regret, don't change, only "regret" for show, i.e. cry crocodile tears, claim they're the "victim" of "ungrateful" children and stuff like that. Never ever it crosses their mind they did anything wrong.
What is forgiveness?
Like you can let go of what someone did to you and allow them in your life but that doesn't undo the trauma they've inflicted on you. You can't expect warmth from someone you've psychologically damaged even if they recognize you've changed and want to have a relationship with you.
@@SoulDevoured What is considered abuse? Young adults often have a very distorted perception of abuse.
I do not agree. You can create distance but maintain boundaries and still have a respectful, even distant relationship. I do not believe in cutting parents off unless their behaviors have been monstrous and severe. They raised you, provided for you, educated you and more. .. and then you kick them to the curb for not
Living up to your expectations. I wonder how your children will react when they realize you were less than perfect.
@@carolalvarez3925 that is also a question worth examining. Someone can be abusive without being an abuser. Ie when a customer is berating a cashier because they're mad. And someone can be psychologically damaged without being abused. Ie neglect, indoctrination
And there's a difference between what is legally child abuse and what is morally abusive.
Pouched my Dad right in the face and never talked to him ever again. Best thing I have ever done.
Shit you really are a legend 😂😂
Love this for you
Good for you I wish I had done that to my father
Haha nice
Awesome ! if only I had done that too
People tend to get so judgemental as soon as I tell them I have no contact with my mother. I feel like there is more stigma associated with cutting off your mom than your dad for weird society gender reasons, but on both sides people really don't seem to get that just because their issues with their parents were petty doesn't mean everyone's were.
People just cannot IMAGINE an abusive mom. They think mothers have certain inherent loving instincts. Dads they grow up knowing some of them are abusive and suck. It's the weirdest phenomenon to have an abusive mom and have so little societal validation that that's even possible.
@@VioletEmerald it’s an offshoot of the whole stupid “all women are wired to be mothers” thing. It’s so frustrating and I feel like it lets abusive moms slip under the radar. I have a friend who had really shitty parents, and though his dad sucked, he was more neglectful while his mom was definitely the more physically and verbally abusive one.
Yup. My egg donor is the abuser. My dad wasn't fantastic- he enabled her a lot- but he did the work of being a dad. He was the one who got woken up when my brother and I had nightmares. He's the one we puked on in the middle of the night. He's the one who drove me to and from college most times. He's the one I go to for help. My egg donor always complained whenever we asked her for anything growing up, so we always came to her when we could think of any other options. If I can go without help, I will do that instead of bugging her.
My dad was a dad. My egg donor made sure I didn't die, and she kept up appearances. She is not a mother, no matter how much I love her and desperately wished she would be my mother.
I fought really hard to get her to be my mother actually. I realized that she wasn't a mother when I was in university and I had the worst fights I can ever remember having with her because I was trying to salvage _something_ from the relationship.
I had this fantasy that she'd realize what she'd done and apologize and turn over a new leaf. Well, in June 2019 I got a word-perfect apology. It was exactly as I always hoped. But then I realized that she was only saying it because she thought I was abusing her and she was saying whatever it took to make me stop abusing her.
I was heartbroken. All my hopes that I could just... _forgive her_ were completely shattered because even if she does apologize perfectly, I'll never be able to believe she's actually sorry. I'll always wonder if she just got better at manipulation.
So after that June, I went out of my way to do whatever it took to keep the peace. I was just there to appease this woman so I could survive. I didn't bother fighting with her. I didn't bother trying to salvage anything. She'd made it clear she was not interested in self-reflection and owning up to what happened.
From her point of view, I'm sure she thinks the relationship improved after her apology. We stopped having fights after all, so we must be getting along well now! I almost feel bad for her. One day her "daughter" is going to leave the house and "suddenly decide she's a boy now" and cut off all contact. I wouldn't be surprised if she started subscribing to the idea of 'sudden onset gender dysphoria'.
I definitely think it's the fact that some people don't believe women can be abusive, and as others have said, they're all meant to be mothers, which is not the case at all. Just like how some men aren't meant to be fathers, some women aren't meant to be mothers. It's weird how they can't believe that it can go both way. Please know that your trauma is valid and whatever happened wasn't your fault
@@aldenheterodyne2833 Reading that broke my heart, I'm very sorry to hear that. It cuts deep when the people that hurt you aren't going to actually own up to what they did, and they think they deserve your forgiveness because they "already apologized". Your "mother" didn't even acknowledge that she abused you-
I understand that her acknowledgement would help you tremendously with healing, I've been there. But please know that even without her real apology, you can still heal. Make peace with yourself that even tho you won't get the love you want, you don't need it to move on. You can receive others' love and validation. Sending lots of love to you, and hope that you can soon get out of there
I felt so sorry for Jennette for having to deal with her overzealous stage Mum. I know that if I ever have children, I would make sure that they actually liked acting, without pushing them into the seedy side of show business.
Whenever Jeanette McCurdy is mentioned in any video more recently, you always have that sentiment and I agree with you. I know that a lot of kids went to be child stars from the TV shows we watch, but after looking at how Hollywood treats children, is it worth it? While not all child stars have that experience, it seems like the child stars who come from dysfunctional families are affected the worst.
I do too; my younger brother was a child actor ( mostly TV ads & modeling clothes for local dept stores) I would sometimes go w/him & my dad on auditions ( my mom didn't like driving the freeways here in L.A) & saw some of those type of parents: they wouldn't smack their kids in the waiting area but I definitely got the feeling they would once they were in the car or home w/them where no one could see. Luckily, our parents had been actors themselves & knew how difficult it was to land an acting job . I do think McCurdy mean't well by writing her book but feel the cover is extremely Click Bait-y & in v. poor taste.
One could argue that kids cannot reasonably consent to pursuing a professional acting career. Also, kids will often want to please their parents, so a parent would have to be preternaturally self-aware to avoid the pitfall of unknowingly pressuring their kid to comply.
And be sure to stay put in any auditions or what not, if they don't let you be present in anyway: red flag.
@@ROBYNMARKOW When it comes to the title of Jennette McCurdy's book, I don't think it's click bait-y at all. It's attention grabbing, yes, but it's also extremely accurate to the content in the book. I don't know if you've read the book yourself, but by the end of it I was thinking "I'M GLAD TOO." The title also actively draws to attention to the expectation people have of adult children to speak about their deceased parents with glowing praise. "I'm Glad My Mom Died" is a powerful memoir that earns its title. Calling it "click bait" really disregards what Jennette went through.
I am 17 and cut ties with my father when I was 15. And you did a wonderful job at explaining this! Sadly my bigger brother still isn’t seeing why I cut ties with him and still says „You will regret it in a few years“ and so on and on. And that’s exactly the pressure from the outside that made me cut ties more later than sooner.
Trust me... You won't regret it
My partner cut ties with an abusive parent at 16. He's 33 now, and--it's really just the damndest thing-- but you know what? Never regretted it once since then. We've been waiting for the day that regrets finally kicks in, and so far, it hasn't even shown a hint of coming around. I'm starting to think he might never regret it, at this rate. I get the sneaking suspicion you might be alright with this decision for the foreseeable future.
Alsooooo, you can always change your mind down the road to throw out a line to them or keep tabs on them. The decision you made is not set in stone. I am in therapy rn about a bad parent, and going NC is a lot more than I imagined. You can change your boundaries if you so desire, and if you ever do, it is not because you feel regret, it would be because circumstances have changed your boundary. I hope that if my mom gets better mentally that she will reach out to me and let me know, and then we can pick up where we left off. But for now, things are bad and distance is doing me some good.
My biggest regret in life is letting my emotionally abusive parents back into my life after a cut off as a teen. They and my even more abusive older sister have almost cost me everything.
Stay strong and trust your instincts.
I mean nobody will really know, maybe you do or maybe you don't...this one comment give no details as to what that could be
If this video resonated with you I recommend reading the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson.
imagine having this convo with a 9ja family. it'll be Abeg, so you are Oyinbo now. Biko, where do you think you are going with this. the things we put with .
I'm so tempted to buy a physical copy just to read it openly during my trip home for the holidays
@@upsetstudios1819 lol this is comically brilliant.
I recently got back in touch with my dad for the first time in 5 years and it was really disappointing to find that he still doesn't or can't understand how much emotional and mental damage he and my mom caused to my brother and I. If he wasn't ignoring us, he was yelling (on top of other stuff like not allowing us to have friends over or really letting anyone come over). I'm on the autism spectrum, but now I have to wonder how much damage his dislike of other people caused me to have poor social skills. And don't get me started on my mother, it only took one conversation with her for my therapist to mention "Munchausen by proxy" (my mom also managed to find my therapist's home address and constantly went behind my back to try to prod her for information and generally harass her. I was in my mid-30s when this happened.).
It hurts a lot too. I have very few friends, zero relationship with my only sibling, and terrified of people to the point where I only leave my apartment one or two hours a week. And I can take some responsibility for that, and I do like day tripping to Boston when i can afford it, but now I'm 40 and I look back and see a wasted, empty, lonely life and I know how much of that was my parents being completely neglectful of my emotional needs. They *always* put themselves first.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Your parents sound insane! But good for you for getting away from them ❤️
My father was the exact same way as you described. I'm sorry you went through that, you deserved so much better.
@@Tea-uo7ev thank you!
@@once.upon.a.time. I'm sorry for you as well. It's good to know we aren't alone though, this video made me feel better
My dad described to a T
"No mother is completely a childs Idea of what a mother should be. And I guess it works the other way around. But all things considered I think we didn’t do to badly by each other"
I read this in the handmaids tale and I tried to live by this principle for years.
I tired to have empathy for my parents who didn't have it easy and move past my childhood for a long time.
But this year I realised that they aren't capable and willing to change what is wrong in their life. And I don't want to go down with them. So have almost no contact now.
But my siblings do and we get along very well so a complete break isn't really possible.
This. I recently moved back home with my mum because she's been newly diagnosed with terminal illness. It's... something I never wouldve done if the situation wasn't so extreme. I planned on never moving back home the moment I left for university and it's been really really hard to cope with fact that I had to give up one of my only wishes.
My mum wasnt truly Abusive. She is a loving and supportive parent and being a single parent was really really really hard for her. But I can't just wish away all the abusive shit she has said to me and how much she distorted my self-perception and self-worth throughout my childhood. I can't ignore the fact that she was the only important person in my life for a very long time and she consciously or unconsciously made sure it stayed that way until she couldn't. I can't un-realise that she was the person who was supposed to protect but she hurt me again and again and left invisible scars that will probably never go away.
I just... thought I had years deal with those feelings and resolve my trauma. I wasn't going to cut her off but I flourished on my own and I wanted to keep doing that. And now...
@@373816hannah just remember you owe her nothing and you deserve happiness and love no matter what.
@@373816hannah I mean if you gave anything up that's on you, you need to stand up for yourself and not sacrifice if you know it's not a good thing
Currently into my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm doing a permanent cut-off. I used to be able to take cut off breaks for like 5 months at a time but now that I'm having a kid and they've never changed, I cannot afford to allow their influence around me. I'll be damned if the generational trauma passes onto my expecting daughter. The unfortunate thing about cutting off is a lot of children don't want to but it's their last choice because our absence is the loudest thing they'll ever hear.
I hope you get therapy before having your daughter. Trauma still affected you and if you don't heal, you will most likely repeat cycles that you haven't become aware of.
@@bellaapple2166 that’s great advice. A lot of people who are genuinely well-intentioned have blind spots and can’t see the extent to which they’re damaged from having been abused. My grandmother was extremely abusive to her children, and ALL of her children have gone on to abuse their own children to various ways. It drives me crazy because they can all see how abusive my grandmother was to them, but they can’t recognize (or refuse to acknowledge) the abuse they inflicted on their own children. One of my Uncles finally accepted how messed up he is and started going to therapy last year, but he still hasn’t taken responsibility and tried to repair his relationship with his oldest son.
If you don’t get therapy you ll just inflict your own version of pain onto your kids. And then this estrangement will cycle yet another generation. You think you ll be spared. You won’t
You're doing the right thing. I cut off most of my family over the past 10 years but once i have kids I'm gone for good. Moving out of state, new phone numbers, new job, everything. I'm not bringing my future children into that hell.
One double standard I've noticed that's related to this.
The cultures that emphasize family the most are also the most likely to disown their own children and/or kick them out onto the streets.
For marrying the "wrong" person
For getting pregnant
For being gay or trans
Cause it's never been about "family" it's always been about control and public/family image. If you make the family look bad according to those with power within the family system, you must go.
It's why i laugh at people that unironically try to pretend that kids owe their parents any kind of loyalty, respect, contact, or even care in old age.
People that emphasize genuine human relationships and connections tend to have much stronger and healthier family systems (that may include non bio relatives like step parents, in laws, family friends etc) and not feel the need to rely on such rules as filial piety or intimidation to maintain their system (and sense of "control") .
The most Family is Everything types are definitely ones to make pointed statements about in laws "not being real family" and other such exclusionary behavior towards stepkids, adopted kids, or anyone that breaks from the image they want to cultivate of what their Ideal Family looks like (you forgot mental illness and neurodivergency. Those are also the kinds of people that get disowned, kicked on the street, or often at least erased from the family image. At least in the most Pro Family systems).
It's entirely toxic and manipulative.
@@foxyfox9196 Couldn't agree more. It was their choice to breed. Even insects breed :P
I live with my parents still and my house hasn't felt safe for over 5 years because my dad is a narcissist and emotionally abusive. My plan is to move out next year after I finish university and I've already informed my mom that I plan to cut contact with my dad (not sure she's convinced I'll actually do it, but I didn't want this to come out of the blue for her). I hate knowing that he'll somehow find a way to blame her for this and I do feel somewhat guilty to be putting her in this position, but I can't live the rest of my life dealing with his abuse.
Seeing more people talking about cutting contact with abusive family members has really helped me to not feel bad about this decision. I don't owe him anything and I need to do what's best for me.
I was living with my parents til i was 32. My mom left him and i moved out bc o realized how abusive and narcissisic he is. I went nc and its been almost 2 years.
You're not responsible for your mom, if she wants to continue to take the abuse, she's free to. You don't have to.
Your house hasn't been safe for much longer than that good thing that you have noticed, going NC is good for awhile but you have to heal the Trauma with therapy when we grow up with toxic parents sets us up to create unhealthy relationships especially romantic once. I came 6,000 miles away and with long periods of no contact got married had 4 children and at age 48 after a traumatic event I realized that something was terrible wrong. I was diagnosed with PTSD and took me several years of therapy to desensitize and reprocess childhood Trauma. that left me vulnerable to yet more toxic relationships and autoimmune disorders. I stayed in victim state of mind before moving to survival state of mind and finally to the state of a Victorious Warrior. At age 71 I am grateful mostly for my excellent health and my calm mental State with no grief. Blessings to you and best wishes.
Sounds just like my house. There was physical abuse as well. As soon as I got a job out of college, I was out the door. More LC than NC, but I think that might change soon
Proud of you for making your escape plan and living your best life! It's hard, but you can do it! We believe in you :)
@veetee4826 find friends or family who love you, no matter what :) it's hard though
I experienced a lot of emotional neglect and witnessed favoritism of my brother (I'm an older sister by 16 months) growing up. There were also upsetting revelations in my youth that demolished my trust and sense of identity in parental figures.
First off, my parents fought *a lot* when I was young. Violent screaming matches. They were a young couple who moved from Minnesota to California with two small children, and it was a stressful time for them. They took it out on one another, and to this day I disassociate when I hear people screaming at one another or someone gets violently abusive toward someone else. I internalized their anger as my fault, and developed OCD. I would cry at small mistakes, and lie constantly when I'd done something wrong to avoid the onus of being bad. I also learned how to read people's emotional states really well, and in my younger years strived to keep others happy as a matter of personal safety.
Their eventual divorce was a blessing. But over the years I saw my Mom struggle through relationships, and my Dad dating much younger women than him the rare times I saw him. My brother and I often just "existed" around him: he'd spend money on us, but we avoided him otherwise. When we were teenagers he started taking my brother on fishing trips to exotic places, despite me being an avid angler too whenever I got the opportunity. At the same time my Mom would attend my brother's track-and-field events, but I attended my extracurriculars alone. I chose a comparatively expensive hobby, and was always ashamed to ask for money, and too anxious to fundraise. I developed a habit of wanting people to ask how I was doing or to come to something, rather than telling them I wanted to come. In this way I guarded myself against inevitable disappointment.
Junior high came with the revelation my Dad was not my biological father. I was not given my father's name. My first driver's license came with the additional revelation that the surname on my birth certificate was different from the married name Mom had taken from Dad, my biological father's surname (she hadn't told me it yet: said she would when I turned 18) *and* her maiden surname, which I had been using for years. She also told me the name on my birth certificate wasn't my biological father's.
In high school, she remarried. I was thrilled for her, but my stepdad and I were never close. She had my baby brother my senior year of high school, and rather than keep the baby's crib in their room, my Mom and stepdad put the baby in mine, for me to care for. This was the same year he became violent toward her while drunk, so badly that my brother had to intervene. I couldn't. I don't remember how I wound up cowering in the backyard with my hands over my ears, but I went from there to eerily distant inside my own head. I autopiloted myself into my Mom's room and begged her to leave, that we (my Mom, my brother and I) had been a trio before, and we could make it work with my new brother too. She didn't, and as a kid whose grades have suffered throughout high school, I thought college was inaccessible to me. I fled to the only place that wouldn't overburden me with crippling debt: the military. In the Navy, all the cracks in my identity and self-worth were chiseled away at. Some were smoothed out. Some became permanent. Some festered. The ones which festered almost drove me to suicide, but I sought help. It meant being discharged, but better a failure than dead. After the Navy I retreated from society for almost a decade, working a night job that saw me on a different schedule from the rest of the world.
I've gone on at length, so I'll wrap up. Suffice to say I'm a *healthier* person now, but not necessarily *healthy*. I avoid my Dad. I avoid my Mom less. I've met my biological father, and while he seemed kind, I've avoided him too out of an inescapable shame I carry with me. I don't date: most of me is disinterested in sex or romantic partners, and while I confidently identify as asexual and aromantic, a small part of me questions if this is how I really feel or just more confusion over my identity. I've earned a place at a world-class university after almost a decade of self-isolation, and hope that I'll finally be able to become the healthy person I want to be here. Fingers crossed.
When I fled for good I entered services for young people experiencing homelessness and at those places they will make you "program" (wake and sleep, meals served specific times, jumping through bureaucratic hoops for the independent housing program entry, living in tight spaces with a large and unpredictable population.) It shapes you to experience something like this but I like you got treatment out of it. Most people there had a mental illness of some kind but lied about it. I actively participated in NAMI, substance abuse classes, survivors support groups, I got on medication and began working, all because of the program. I have what I believe is survivors guilt from witnessing some incidents in the program. But I came out of it intact, to reintegrate into society is what I always wanted as a homeless child.
I really resonate with your struggles. I too am dealing with being distant from parents and have finally entered an amazing college after years of working. Let's get through this together ❤️ You got this.
Thanks for sharing this very touching story. I wish yoy luck on your new journey!!
That was something to read, but please don't think you were "talking too much", because talking about your experience isn't wrong or annoying. It's how you heal, and some people may find it relatable. You've had a long fight and it may still last for a while, but since you're now recognizing that you were abused and wronged, I believe you're on your way to happiness. Self-discovery is a long process, don't rush it.
And hey, maybe you'll find a true parent in your biological dad. I understand pushing people away from you because of your own shame and trauma, please know that you deserve real love and connection, and whoever tells you otherwise (even the impostor in your mind), they're a big liar. I wish you the best
I know this was months ago but what you post really touched me. I wish you the best and I hope your time at university helps you to flourish.
I’m 19 years old, and have always had a difficult relationship with my dad. He’s self centered, very conservative, and constantly insults me and/or tells me I “owe him” for raising me. I’m living at home with him and my mom while I pursue higher education, and things have gotten better between us, but… I don’t think he’s someone I want in my life. He doesn’t respect me as a person, he doesn’t respect my beliefs no matter how hard I try to respect his. He’s a Christian, I’m an Atheist, he’s a Republican, I’m a Progressive, I’m nonbinary and aroace, he thinks both of those things “aren’t real”. I actually wrote my first college paper this semester on how I came to the realization that I didn’t want him in my future, and my professor empathized with me.
Also, my dad has some subtle racism and classism. He’s upper middle class, and does not like the things I’m learning in sociology because it conflicts with his world views.
Edit: I just want to get this off my chest. My dad also blames me for being groomed twice in my early teenage years. He also ignores my trauma induced boundaries such as not touching me or being uncomfortable saying “I love you”. He constantly complains, gives back handed compliments, and will flat out harass me for “not loving him”.
I am sorry you have to deal with a parent like him. Hopefully you can get out of the relationship soon, he is definitely not worth the trouble. And you already know this, but obviously nothing of this is your fault. You will make it, everything will get better, I promise.
Dysgenic whelp
@@vklnew9824 ???
@@vklnew9824 shut up
@@vklnew9824 - you know what the opposite of dysgenic is...? Eugenics. Are you saying you're a eugenicist?
I have a mentally ill mom who left when I was 10. I only saw her once or twice a year through middle school and high school, and those visits mostly consisted of her crying "woe is me" and making excuses for why she left. I went through a period in my 20s and 30s in which I hated her. Now I feel mostly numb towards her. I'm 50 and she's 70-something. It seems kind of pointless to stay mad.
I understand you. I also have a mentally ill and abusive mom who stopped being present in my life after I turned 14 and whenever we would talk she’d be crying to me and twisting the truth despite me being a witness to her actions and begging me to bring her back. I used to resent her for the pain she put me through but now I too just feel numb towards her. Regardless of whatever decision you make, just know that you don’t owe your mother anything wether she has a mental illness or not and it’s okay to feel the way you did and do.
You’ve reached your final form: the stage of healing where you are genuinely indifferent to her. That’s so much worse for an abuser than hatred; it means they truly don’t have power over you anymore, not even enough for you to be angry with them. Congratulations on all your hard work! ❤
You don't have to be mad. You also don't owe her contact
I hope I can reach this mentality with my own family member and move on for good. I tried this medication Prazosin for night terrors and it made me feel worse. I can go my waking life without putting much thought into the past but I get those multiple times a week on my regular medication anyways. I just live with it. If I could never go another day waking drenched in sweat again that would be a true blessing. I'm in my 20s and been low to no contact for nearly 10 years now.
I hope you can get some relief. I think talking about it helps. I've been seeing a therapist for the past several years and slowly but surely it has made a big difference. I didn't realize at first that it was helping but it sort of happened gradually.
i just want to say as well- from someone who is estranged from their father and most likely will be estranged from their mother in the future: it is not your obligation to fix the parent. it is not on you to tell them everything they’ve done wrong in hopes that they will change. especially in situations where the parent has narcissistic tendencies, they WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU. you have to cut your losses.
such incredible timing for this video to pop up. two of my father’s sisters reached out today for the first time in years to ask my mother to demand i open communication with my dad again. they know about the years of abuse i suffered at his hands but justify their actions to themselves because he’s been struggling recently. i’m so fortunate that my mom supports me and my right to have autonomy in these situations.
Abusive father + supportive mother + 2 aunts that don't care about your well being gang ✌️
@@AW-xc1xc ayyyyy 🤘
That- I-
I really have no words. The audacity to, not ask, but *demand* you to talk to your dad again. What are they gonna do, call the police? 🙄 It's stupid, but also incredibly funny how they think they can threaten you to open communication with your father again *after* you've clearly not give a damn and cut off your father in the first place.
"I know he abused you and messed up your childhood, and he probably did something bad that made your mom support you in cutting contact with him, but come on, give your old dad a call. He's sick and you're his most precious treasure" Oh shut it
I tried to talk to my mom about why she and I are so distant, because she's gotten a lot nicer since I was a kid and even accepts my identity as a bi person now (she hit me for it when I came out to her when I was a teenager). I said I needed her to admit that she was hard on me as a kid, that her expectations for me were unreasonable and that the way she "disciplined" me was wrong. She refused, said I deserved every piece of physical punishment she dished out (including pinching me until there were bruises, getting things thrown at my face until I bled, and coming at me with a knife) because I was a bad kid and needed "correcting", flat out denying that she ever hit me to vent her own frustrations. My sister backed her up, saying "you're remembering things wrong, it wasn't that bad and you were a bad kid". The whole thing left me not okay for several weeks as I tried to parse whether I was the crazy one, if I really was remembering everything from my childhood wrong, but no. Most of what I remember from my childhood at all are the bad things, the terrifying things she did when she was angry. I still see glimpses of that person she used to be, especially when she tried to quit smoking. So I'm done reaching out. I tried. I tried for 30 years to be good enough for her. I wanted so badly for her to love me as I am. But it's just never going to happen and I'm tired of slamming my head into a wall she built.
You did your best and you are enough! Wish you strength and all the best for your future 💛
"I tried for 30 years to be good enough for her. I wanted so badly for her to love me as I am. But it's just never going to happen and I'm tired of slamming my head into a wall she built."
Me and my mom in a nutshell!
This is why I despise people who think abused children are just entitled, ungrateful brats who don't try. You, along with other people, have tried, but your parents refuse to work together. Are they just going to keep saying that you don't try to love your parents and work together on your relationship, and that you're just "lazy"?
I'll be honest, your mom was lucky she didn't have the police called on her. That's abuse. I'm sorry that happened to you. Recognizing your trauma and realizing that you'll never have the love you want hurts as hell, but please remember that she's not the only person in your life. Surround yourself with people you trust and find a family of your own. I wish you the best
@@sakumiraagashi and then when you cut them off they say they never saw it coming. Even when you try in such blatant ways to mend fences. I tried talking about the hurt my parents caused and they both mocked me and laughed. I’ve never brought it up again and won’t. For what?! They don’t have the capacity nor empathy to understand, so I’m just hurting myself by trying. I’m doing a slow fade because they’re the type to show up where I live if I go cold 🙄
@@xoyouaremysunshinexo I'm really sorry you had that experience, that's extremely hurtful and invalidating. And then afterward they'll say "why didn't you tell us?" like you haven't tried again and again. It's not that you don't try. It's that you were mocked for trying. I absolutely don't blame you for giving up on communication, and in fact, I don't encourage you to keep trying. If they refuse to acknowledge your words, it's better to withdraw, heal on your own and accept that it's not going to happen.
Also, the type to show up after you cut them off? That's hella annoying. Like, for what? Are they going to show up like "we didn't realize and would like to mend our relationship. But also you were wrong and we deserve to be in your life to continue hurting you without working on ourselves because we did nothing wrong". I'd just slam the door in their face ngl. I hope things will go well for you, and please know that your feelings are valid
If I treated my son the way my parents treated me, I would expect him to dump my ass and write a best selling novel about his struggles. My son was born entitled to my respect; that's not entitlement, I believe those are the bare minimum requirements.
🙂🏆🏅👍👏
You dropped this at the right time in my life rn dealing with my parents smh
It will get better ❤️ It might take a while but it will. From one person to another who experienced it
Gotta love the holidays.
One of the wildest experiences I had was talking to therapists about how I felt guilty because I estranged myself from my parents and they’re always like - Don’t feel bad. It’s good you don’t speak to them.
Really spun my head around.
epigenetic mental illness weakens me considerably, but also leaves me with resentment over "i didn't choose to be born" and guilt/shame that I blame my parents for having me. i'm so disabled by my condition, and my parents can be kind but they don't understand. i'm currently very sad and frustrated and a little pity-party-y. thanks for making a video like this.
Stress literally kills. If anything, adult children may need to separate from the family due to the fact that stress coming from toxic relationships can and is detrimental to health.
I tried to distance myself from my mother in my early 20s and was unable to do so, because me attempting to get space made her put undue pressure on my father. It's so hard to get that space when someone you love but want distance from vents her frustration on third parties. I'm about to move across the country, and I'm going to give it a shot again
My therapist told me this when I explained the same situation exact I’m NC with my dad (he’s giving my mother grief): You are not responsible for the choice that they make to stay with them and listen - you aren’t responsible for their happiness. It helped me when the guilt got heaviest
I feel you Sarah. that's what I've been planing for a couple of years hopefully will become fruition in 2023 or 2024. good luck and godspeed.
Yes, when that estranged person poisons your other familial relationships through gossip 😢
This made me feel so seen. At times I had been demonized by my parents for needing to create boundaries and distance. What many parents don’t understand is that these are sometimes methods to SAVE a relationship- estrangement is usually a last resort. And it’s hard to argue that this is a phase once someone reaches their 30s, like me. Estranging myself from my parents is one of the best decisions that I have ever made. Thank you for this.
When my dad remarried a year after the passing of my mom, it caused a huge rift in my family. It got so bad that all of my older siblings decided to cut ties with him. Its heartbreaking cuz I see how it hurts my dad. But at the same time, I don't think my dad truly understands how his actions affected them. As much as I want things to fixed, at the end it's up to them (particularly my dad) to make amends
I’m confused why that was harmful. Is the new spouse a bad person? Does she treat the family badly? If not, it’s understandable that he would want to find love again.
@@quietestkitten while his new wife isn't necessarily a bad person, me and my siblings felt like he rushed into this relationship. Tbh I wasn't a full year after my mom when they started dating. Its a very complicated issue
@@JazminJazHunt yeah but it's his life. It's not like he was dating her before your mom died and cheating on your mom with her. If any time at all had passed it's extremely normal for a widowed man to start dating again quite quickly, if you look at the research. Months is pretty normal. And it's normal for children to feel their grief amplified and complicated by this and to struggle to process how their dad is ready. But to cut off contact with him is such an extreme action that sounds like there must be so much more to the story. There must be something more to explain why they don't feel attached to their father enough to want to stay. He must've failed as a father too.
Dating again just months after your partner died is honestly really worrying and bizarre.
@@AphroditeAngel222 just a couple weeks would be bizarre. Months is not bizarre. It's pretty typical for men in particular. Women take longer but. Look at the research.
I haven't spoken to my mom since 2014, and I still feel guilty about it sometimes. She loved me unconditionally, but didn't know how to do it in a healthy way. Everyone in that family is trauma bonded together, and I think they've been passing personality disorders to their children for many generations. BPD can corrupt your love and turn it into a certain kind of desperate neediness that makes raising a child very difficult. I find myself wanting to hate her, and I'm glad I got out of their intergenerational doom spiral, but it makes me sad that I could only save myself.
Being alive can be pretty tough, y'all. I'm glad more of us are valuing our own well-being over the comfort of family. Maybe we can create a generation of new people that isn't defined by trauma.
I quite relate to your story here regarding your mother and family.. Makes me feel less alone in my situation, I wish you all the best.
I can relate to the trauma bonding...
Some parents are straight out narcissistic. They won’t even take responsibilities for their behaviours/actions, let alone apologising or realising their mistakes. Thanks for the validation 😊
That saying, "Listen to your parents while you can," goes both ways. Listen to your children while you can, or you might not have any children at all.
I haven't talked with any of my family in about five years, and what kills me most is that I left my little cat with them. I originally thought I'd go back and visit them for holidays and try to get my cat, but as soon as I moved out, I knew I couldn't go back. I thought about staying for my cat, but I was afraid that even if I stayed until he was old and passed away, there would be another cat by then--another cat I couldn't leave... then another... and so on. I was going to die there if I didn't get out soon. I'm sorry Bunny.
i really needed this. the idea that the estrangement might seem out of the blue to the parent but has been a constant thought for the adult child for a long time is definitely my experience. it still causes me a lot of pain, especially when i know my parent doesn't understand why what they've done is wrong and/or refuses to acknowledge it. this video makes me feel like someone is rooting for me, which means so much
Cutting my narcissistic parent off was literally the best thing that I could do for my mental health. It took me years to realize why I was struggling so much.
This essay is so great at explaining what parental estrangement is and why it happens. One thing I'd add is that not everyone understands the difference between the teenage stage of life where you want to be separate from your parents and grow into your own person and actual parental estrangement. The teenage "I hate my parents" stage is temporary and usually goes away with age, maturity, and the building of their adult life; however, parental estrangement tends to last years if not forever after the relationship is cut off and, at least for the child, impossible to maintain. The misunderstanding of the stage where you are becoming an adult and actual parental estrangement can cause some of the stigma on adult children who are estranged from their parents, causing other people to see them as perpetually immature and unable to grow up and move on from being a teenager.
6:53 hit too close to home. As someone who was in choir for 7 years straight (all throughout middle & high school) my family never went to any of my concerts, not even to my very final concert Senior year despite me asking. Despite it happening almost a decade ago I’m surprised at how hurt and angry that still makes me. Im glad that my friends, aka my chosen family, showed up to that last concert though - they were real ones ❤
I have a similar experience, you still feel that strong emotion because it harkens to the deeper issue that has not been resolved. The issue being the parents behavior. Some ppl casually tell me to let it go, and my rebuttal is you don’t know what my situation is. You have not dealt with close family being your biggest bully. Inwould love to let it go, but I know that because I can’t, it means their behavior towards me has not changed.
I stopped inviting my family to watch any plays I'm in it or even tell them I'm involved in local productions because they have expressed finding theater boring. I don't want them to feel obliged to sit through a play if they don't want to.
I was capt of my hs chess team for 3 yrs, on the team for 4. Won numerous trophies over that time. My mother or adult siblings never came to a single match, even when asked. My father never even bothered to know I played. It would kill me to come out the match alone, when my opponent would have their whole family waiting for them outside, win or lose. Cutting my family off was the best thing I could've ever done. I was already lonely, at least now I'm not being isht on everyday while I'm at it 🤷🏿♀️ #NoRegrets
I'm really glad to see this right now. I cut my dad off in April finally, and I've been thriving since. However, since i knew he wasn't doing anything for Thanksgiving, I sent him some of the food I cooked. He refused to eat it. It solidified my decision, but since food is my love language it still hurt a little.
To all the other people who are sharing their stories: you all deserved better and I'm sorry for what you had to go through.
I bet your food was the bomb, I'd have seconds, and screw him for drinking poison and hoping it'd get you.
@@jessicavictoriacarrillo7254 I honestly really needed to hear that, thank you, kind soul 😊
My mom has Munchausen by proxy and severely abused me when I was a child. She is extremely mentally ill and I will never forgive her for how she treated me. Telling me I was a sociopath when I was only 8, making me believe I was bi-polar and schizoaffective, putting me in mental hospitals over and over, forcing me to take at least 10 dangerous medications at a time and when I hid them because I hated how they made me feel (passed out at school in PE), she found the hidden pills and said I was trying to off myself with them. I just hated taking them! And back to the mental hospital I went. When I got older, she would kick me out of the house and then report me as a runaway. She hoards animals, breeds them to abuse and neglect. She is evil. It's been 2 years and I know I will never see her or speak to her again. I am lucky I survived her abuse and she acts like it never happened.
I don’t have a ton to say because you and many of the other commenters summed it up so well, but thank you for this video. It always helps knowing you aren’t alone in your experiences, and it is also nice to see that cycles of generational trauma are finally being broken because people are making conscious decisions to try and end them.
to anyone who has ever had to cut their parents off or limit contact, you deserved so much better than what was given to you ❤
Cutting my abuser (step mother) out of my life was the best thing I've ever done as far as taking care of myself goes. Not having to deal with her threats and manipulations firsthand is much better than whatever bullshit I would be going through if I put in all of my emotional labor into a person who does not love me and never will.
as someone who will soon try cutting off my abusive parents and starting a life on my own this video really speaks to me, thank you for making it
Refusal to help pay for college or other higher education, snide and sarcastic attitudes, laziness, selfishness, self centeredness, boycotting kids' activities, treating them as manservants, maids, gofers, picking fights, bullying, then these same parents grow old and gray and sick and whine the loudest when their kids want nothing to do with them.
Seeing the fates of so many broken families makes me sad, but more than anything it makes me unwaveringly grateful that I have a loving, whole family. That's something we should never take for granted
No child should be made to feel like a burden simply for existing and taking up space that they didn't ask to take up. I didn't realize how different my upbringing was until I moved out of my parent's house, it was a constant struggle of "wait, that's not a normal experience?"
I always knew that there was a bit of a strain between my mom and her adopted parents, but I hadn’t known the extent of it for a long time. I hadn’t realized she’d moved at 23 across the country just to get away from them for the most part. I hadn’t realize the extent of the emotional abuse she had faced from them as a child and the horrific things her father did to her. I can’t even imagine what that’s like, I’m so lucky she’s worked hard to be a good mother to me, she’s not perfect but still a very good mom.
I'm surprised that the simple reason "the parent doesn't care and stop altogether to have a relationship with their child" isn't mentioned. Strangest thing, people always think I wanted that estrangement...
TL:DR Toxic parents never take accountability, the best thing you can do is leave.
And won't admit their faults. They'll either pretend they don't remember or try to defend/justify it.
@@finchborat Exactly. This frustrated me so much.
i started cutting contact with my mom during the pandemic due to all the abuse she put me and my sister through growing up. i only ever contacted her first when I specifically needed something and once that was done I stopped. she has occasionally contacted me. my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and i still live with my dad, which is pretty common in my country, despite being in my late 20s. he was so surprised when he realized i wasn't keeping up with her anymore. he kept asking if i missed and seemed so taken aback when i said no. he kept asking until one day my sister and i told him he didn't need to ask because we would never do the same to him, i knew deep down that was his concern because he was putting himself in her shoes, but he was never even half the bad parent she was. he was often late to school meetings and events but he always did his best to show up and did so happily. he left proud no matter what little role we played in the school play or if our teachers mentioned us at all. he did his best to be the best father and i honestly think I'm only alive because he's been so supportive. my mom barely ever even bothered asking us what we did in school before interrupting with some new gossip she heard about someone we didn't even know of or cared for, but my dad to this day not only asks how our day went but he also actively shares information about his day and talks about his worries with us. yeah, I'm never estranging from this man, he's the best man I've ever met.
The amount of controversy Jeanette McCurdy's book title still gathers is a clear example of how deeply the "family is family" idea is rooted in the American values system.
Great topic! I’m 37, and just realized that all the conversations I’ve had with my parents over the last 10 years about my raising my child/behavioral issues were just to deflect from other family problems that were much bigger. Because of all the toxic behavior from all sides of our families, my husband and I have conversations once in a while about how all we can do is DO BETTER than our parents did. We all owe it to our children to acknowledge it, keep reflecting, and try for their sake.
There's also the fear that if you stand up against your abusive parents, they'll kick you out of the house, expecting you to live on your own, even if you're not ready to leave yet, just to prove their point that you need them.
It is a very real fear, and in my case, if I tried to stand up to him, he'd probably kick me out, but sadly that fact is even more proof of why I need to cut him off
This is a really painful, hard, and uncomfy topic- but this video essay handles it really thoughtfully and candidly. Really appreciate it. Well done.
My parents put me through horrific narscistic abuse that pushed me so far. It got to the point where I genuinely no longer felt any for of love for them. And it was entirely their fault. It wasn't hard to cut them off. I'm happier now and I actually see myself having a future :)
It saved my life and was genuinely the best decision I ever made. I never thought I would experience that happiness again.
I don't have feelings of love towards my parents either. Not after what they did. I did cry after leaving my mom's house for the last time after an argument where she sided with an abusive ex spouse against me, her actual child, but that was more in response to my entire world as I knew it falling down, and I _thought_ I loved her and that we had a good-ish relationship. I'm almost 40 and I *still* have moments where I remember something that I thought was normal only to realize now that it absolutely was NOT. She didn't want me but was pressured to keep me, and I felt that resentment my entire life. Why should I waste any more energy on someone who clearly didn't even want me around from the start? Just because she birthed me? Nah f*ck that.
I went no contact with my father when I was 20 after growing up in a toxic home filled with child abuse and neglect. I'd done all the therapy, done all the work to accept this and be ok with not having him in my life, genuinely at a place where it didn't even make me sad. Then at 31 he reached out to me and is a completely different person, giving me a massively detailed apology and asking for nothing in return. Now I guess he's back in my life and it's strange because, I never had a dad like this, so it's not like I got it "back", I'm just getting a dad for the first time as a grown adult and it's hard to digest. It almost feels like I'm not honouring child me or 20 year old me for allowing him in my life, so back to therapy i go lol
Estrangement is hard af, no matter what place you're at with it. Thanks for making a video like this, nice to hear from other people who've felt and experienced the same things.
You're definitely not alone in feeling like that. Now, granted, my experience was with a close friend, but the feelings are similar enough, in my opinion. It's like, all those fights you had, all the time you spend hurting because of your relationship with them... Now they're in your life again. It's the same person, but it's also not... the same person. It's definitely strange and I don't think you're betraying your child self for allowing your dad into your life, because if he's truly changed, you're not allowing your abuser back into your life and can even mean you're letting your inner child a chance to have a true dad. But I definitely think you should take it slow and it's a good idea to seek therapy to help you deal with your emotions. I wish you the best and hopefully your relationship with him will be better
Currently going NC with my father, don't regret a thing. He won't be attending my wedding, nor will he know my address when I finally live with my partner, I don't miss him one bit.
Same wirh me. I cut him off two years ago
In the exact same position myself. Saying sorry would make the man's eyes bleed apparently
I wonder how many of the estranged parents raised their kids under the banner of "as for me and my house we serve the lord"
I'm constantly shocked by how little they remember the abuse they've inflicted, but as they saying goes, the axe forgets but the tree remembers.
I'm 25. I love my mother for some things. But she truly is a toxic woman who needs genuine help. Growing up, I was always told, "Well, she is your family," like it makes up for the utter disrespect I was given. Plot twist is I am adopted, so this argument always fell through the water. In short. True family, for me, are the ones like you describe in the video. Thank you for making this. Makes me feel way more valid and less alone. Also. Loved Gannett McCurdys book. Eye opener.
My mother blamed me for being SA'd as a child by my brother, and was furious that I was talking about it ("What are people going to think of me?"). All my trust was broken at that moment. When I find out I was autistic in my 40s, my father blamed it on my mental health meds. I realized that deep down, my parents were judgmental and couldn't accept me for being me. I had anxiety attacks just being around them. My mental health has improved exponentially since being NC.
I'm still picking apart the ways my mother affected me. All of us kids came out of that relationship as very different people but none of us really stayed in touch with her.
This video was excellently made Cheyenne! I love how you break down the video into clear categories that can occur with parental estrangement. Thank you for treating this topic with nuance and sensitivity. Going NC with parents or family members in general can often be painful and bring heat/hurtful judgement from others that do not know the circumstances that led to that estrangement. I hope that your video can encourage folks to reflect on different perspectives and tap into or heighten understanding, compassion, and empathy on this topic 🩵
thank you so much!
I’ve recently gone no-contact with my family and I’ve been desperately searching for communities and videos that.. explain or justify or I don’t know just .. validate that this is not all from me being a failure of a human, that I’m not alone. Every.single.word. Of this video I swear was so resonating and so validating it’s like I’ve been given the permission I’ve been trying to give myself for a very long time. Thank you so much for this. May we all heal and grow together.
I recently started therapy for similar reasons. Had been avoiding it for avoir 20yrs and was beginning to suffer physically. I'm currently reading a lot on parental abuse and emotional immaturity in parents. It hurts every step of the way but in the end it feels liberating. Kind of like ripping a bandaid off slowly.
I feel so bad for people that have to cut out their parents...I don't know what I'd do if I had to cut out or lose one or both of my parents. It's just so nice that when I'm going through a hard time I know I'll always have them to fall back on. And of course that counts the other way around too. And our relationship isn't perfect, we have our fights (mostly just my parents/sister with me just trying to stop them), and my mom was super strict. But when I need them they'll be there, no judgement. I hope everyone that has to cut out their parent(s) can at least find someone that can fill that role for them.
Yours is the only comment that gives me the slightest bit of hope for the future. No parent is perfect, neither is any of their children. Family is the basic unit of society, not the individual. 3 of my children do not bother with me probably for some of the exaggerated reasons given here. I was unfaithful to their mother and she demonised me in their eyes and turned them away from me with lies and half truths.
I was a family man and always put my children first. We had our ups and downs but all families do. I'm 70 now and live alone. The funny thing is that they all live alone as well and don't associate with each other either. Its almost like karma has treated them like they have treated me. I know they can't be happy but they don't know where to start to put things right. Christmas is almost here and each of us will be home alone over the holiday period. I sent a text to my eldest son about trying to bring the family back together but he didn't reply. It really hurts me thinking that life must be so lonely for them when it doesn't need to be. There are forces at large trying to destroy the family but it brought it home to me as I read some of the ungrateful and entitled comments with this video. I'm not saying that some children have not suffered abuse but when one poster cited that her father is too Conservative, you would think that her father is less important to her than her political opinion that will probably change as she gets older. This video is pure evil and will cause more misery than happiness. In fact, it will cause no happiness. You are doing the right thing because your children will learn from you. As you support your parents, they will support you and in this harsh world, that will be greater than gold.
@@bodyer2120 your kids are not sitting home alone like you they probably have their own people they enjoy in their life. You just hate that you aren’t included in that group of people. They were right to cut you off and I truly hope they keep it that way. You are the problem.
@@noavocado You are evil.
@@bodyer2120 If I did read the same comment that you did, she stated her father did not respect her own political stances and actively belittled her. Regardless you stated you’re a parent who’s children cut contact, so naturally you want to sympathize with these children’s parents. Perhaps you think they were wronged like you, but everyone has their reasons and freedom to choose. This video brought a lot of comfort and awareness to many people. It might have brought you misery, but it definitely does and will continue to bring happiness to many others.
You mainly have to learn how to fulfill that role for yourself
It took me many many years to finally go NC. My younger step-brother had cut the parents out a few years before for different reasons. I wanted to but was kept back because our larger family seemed to be coming together, who was I to just break that up? But I did 2 years ago now. I didn't make a statement, or say anything, I just stopped calling. When family asked me, I just said I didn't want to talk to her.
It was the best thing. Learning that I don't have to forgive someone, no matter how much they might have "changed" or how many times they apologized, or how much people talked about what a different person she was.
I had to push my own feelings down for 25 years, and I wasn't gonna do that anymore. I deserve to have space, and not be constantly fighting triggers of the horrible things she had done.
Now me and all my step brothers have cut contact, all for different reasons, and we're all much happier for it.
So tired of hearing the “but they’re still your parent and it makes me sad you won’t give them another chance” argument from other family members. I grew up with them as my main support system. I had to cater to and make excuses for them my entire life. Nobody who hasn’t had my parents will understand how their actions have hurt me and nobody who hasn’t had my parents should be allowed to criticize me for taking the steps I need to protect myself from further harm from them. I don’t care if it’s my grandparents or my aunts and uncles, they may know my parents but they do not know what it’s like to live under their authority for 18 years. I have made every possible effort to help better my relationship with them but when little to no effort is returned and the abusive behavior continues I am not obligated to stick around. They should have had so many moments of realization. I have spent too much time soul searching and problem solving and taking care of them and I am not wasting my time on it anymore. They have been given every possible opportunity to change and I have held their hand and taken each step with them along the way and it’s clear that they simply know what’s wrong and do not wish to do anything to fix the relationship. They cannot have me around and not do the work to keep me here. I would never be expected to stay if I was treated this way in any other kind of relationship but for some reason when it comes to parents we’re expected to be forgiving. No kid should have to act as a parental figure to their actual parent. They aren’t our responsibility.
30+ years worth of chances? And every time you give them a chance they go back to the same bullshit once things settle back to normal. No.
as someone who grew up with an absent parent who I have now cut all ties with, this video was so validating!! I don't regret my decision at all and the only thing that makes me even really think about it at is the societal expectation to have 2 parents and idea that you always have to forgive your family members
thank you for this, there are so many complex feelings involved in being estranged from your parents and it's really helpful to know i'm not alone in dealing with that, especially this time of year. great video!
My parents divorced when I was about nine years old. I was (finally) able to cut my father out of my life when I was eighteen. It was such a relief to not be worried about what he'll want or say. I'm twenty-one now and I've never been happier
I needed this. My sibling and I haven't gone no-contact, but we have taken to holding our parents at arms' length this past year. It's refreshing and comforting to hear your words on this. Thank you.
This is a very beautiful video. I’m not fully estranged from my parents because I cannot take care of all of my finances alone, but I live on my own and talk to them when I feel like it. I told them about a year ago how I felt and they were genuinely apologetic. One conversation couldn’t fix nearly three decades of pain, but it’s made me realize that their parenting style was a product of the society they grew up in as well. We’re all an endless chain of victims hurting each other and being able to stand up to that and put an end to it is so important
Parents need to step back and think to themselves “What can I do to fix this? What have I done to ruin this relationship?” Not see it as an attack or an act of entitlement; a threat to their “authority.” A child doesn’t cut off a parent for “no reason.” All the adults/teens I know that cut their parents off had every right to, they didn’t feel loved or safe. A parent could abandon/neglect a child at any given moment if they wanted to, they don’t need a reason because THEY are the one that brought the kid here. If someone cut their parent off, that parent HAD to have done something. Kids don’t cut parents off because they WANT to and are ungrateful, they do it to protect themselves…because that’s the only way they can protect their mental and physical health.
This is such an important video. My father’s generation (boomers) believe they are owed respect simply because they’re a parent. I believe parents have to earn respect by showing their kids they matter and are loved no matter what. My dad and I didn’t have contact for nearly three years. I wrote to him four months ago just to see if we could make things work. He’s chosen to gaslight me, cherry pick things I say to respond to and now I’m done for good. He hasn’t ever been a good father to any of his kids. I know I tried and I’m at peace. I’m not going to let the societal pressure get to me.
Younger parents arent immune to this parental entitlement. I struggle with all of my parent friends and cousins who constantly whine like their infant children persecute them, they always portray themselves as victims, completely helpless un the face of babies but it's actually the other way around.
do we have the same dad?
there is no evolutionary precedent for this mindset. Nature is brutally competitive, even moreso than capitalism in the 19th century. It's more like gang wars.
With that said, every single species will lay down its life to preserve offspring whilst expecting nothing in return. If parents don't want to raise chidlren, they don't have to. Yet they do.
Thank you for posting this video. I grew up in a Korean immigrant family that had delusional expectations for me to succeed. Without hyperbole they passive-aggressively told me on a daily basis: "We work 80hrs a week running a dry cleaners, so you should spend 80hrs a week studying and go to Harvard, marry a nice Korean girl and let us brag that we raised a doctor." I remember throwing up because I got spanked for coming home with anything less than straight A's and crying myself to sleep because I really liked a cute Lebanese girl and wanted to ask out in high school but knew I wasn't allowed to date outside my race and there was no negotiating with authoritarian parents...
Well.. I never got into Harvard, I'm really happy with the Turkish woman (Hey, I have a thing for Arab girls) I'm married to now and I may not be a physician my career has really taken off in field I enjoy. The best decision I made was cutting the toxic parents out of my life and never looking back. None of the happiness I have today would be possible if they were still part of my life.
Just hit a breaking point with my parent so I'm interested in this video
ETA: this video is wildly on point. If I thought it would make a difference I'd send it to my parent. It's comforting to see people get it
thank you so much for making this video. it's very healing to see everybody talking about their experiences in the comments and i loved hearing your thoughts. Family estrangement is a lonely thing to go through but we are not alone in experiencing it and i appreciate the growing conversation around it so much.
i was definitely raised with the "family is everything and therefore you need to put up with everyone's bullshit and smile through it" attitude and was treated as unreasonable and selfish for complaining from a young age that that made me feel stifled, hurt and alienated. From how they're treating me now, I think my parents think I've just turned into an asshole because I have started setting boundaries and i'm not tolerating and accommodating things i don't want to anymore, but they also have never had any clue what's going on in my brain because they don't really know me. It's already very painful as is, but the stigma around seriously criticizing or distancing yourself emotionally or physically from parents/family makes it even worse (often when i try to speak about how my parents have hurt me i get the deeply invalidating "Ladybird" response of "but they're such a nice/good person!" - like, okay, but that doesn't make them a good parent! lol) so I deeply appreciate you helping to build spaces like this where we can talk about it honestly and without stigma.
This is… very timely for what's going on with my family. It's honestly so validating to see this video since I generally face so much questioning and guilting from others when I say that I cut ties with my family. I was legit tearing up while watching.
i’m in the process of accepting i was abused emotionally and at times physically. Hearing the quote from jeannette mccurdy, “unless you’ve experienced abuse from your parents, you’ll never understand it” really stuck with me. I understand estrangement and at points consider it, but I still feel the weight of societal pressure and the love I do still have for them. This was just such a helpful video, thank you so much ❤
Thank you for making this.
I had to tell both my parents this year that we don't have relationships and that I won't be spending any time around them because they refuse to use my name and pronouns.
I never thought my parents would choose their (bigoted) beliefs over a relationship with their child, but they have.
Apparently my pictures have been taken down from the family picture wall and it's honestly really devastating. But I know I deserve to be respected and that I can't have a relationship with them as long as they aren't willing to listen to me and change.
I hope everyone else having a hard time this season doesn't feel so alone 🖤 you deserve healthy, loving relationships
They're such abusive bit*hes. Can't believe they're ok with this! You did the right choice, dear
Sending you so much love and proud of you for standing for who you truly are. You are not alone🙏🏼
If you want revenge, call them by their first names instead of mom and dad.
I Also wish people talked more about the in-between between pure estrangement and being close with your parent. It seems like we present it as a very binary thing. Either you’re close with your parents, or you’ve cut them off. My parents never abused me, my childhood was overall okay and I am grateful for that. But now that I’m an adult, I just don’t have a compatible personality with my parents. They want me to go to church, they are disappointed that I don’t own a home or have a spouse or kids and I don’t make as much money as they did at my age, and every conversation I have with them always ends in a passive-aggressive means of telling me that my lifestyle is wrong. When I visit them, I have a curfew (I’m 30) and they expect me to tell them EVERYTHING. They were never like this when I was a child.
So nowadays, I call them every couple months, catch up, and keep the conversation brief. When they get too old to take care of themselves, I’ll make sure they are in a safe and healthy environment, and I will visit them often. But I will never live with them again.
You have a very mature and compassionate attitude.
I graduated at 18 and almost immediately went to live several states away. I can honestly say had I not done this my relationship with my mom would be in shambles. It was the start of me setting firm boundaries with her she couldn't break.
I had to cut off my mother around 2018, and last night I had to cut off my father, too. He was charged with felony child abuse. I am struggling to come to terms with my father's actions. How they were not okay by any stretch of the imagination, but I am *still* facing pressure to "get over it" from people I respect and (in some ways) trust.
I feel so horribly alone but I am sticking to my guns because I think that it is the right thing to do. Child abuse is wrong, and if nobody else will bring consequences for it, I guess I will have to be the one to do that.
Thanks for this video. It made me feel a bit less alone.
this video mean so much to me. both of my parents were extremely selfish and abusive. they broke my heart and soul. knowling that i'm not alone means a lot
Thank you so much for this video. My parents, especially my mother, always made me feel like a burden to them growing up. I have no desire to have a relationship with them now.