@@marzwolfe4037 Same, I usually reply with "...or are you simply not thinking enough about it?", or I used to because I no longer hang out with neurotypicals :D
I get that CONSTANTLY. Or "You're getting stuck in your head" because I'm feeling uncomfortable. I always wondered if people were honestly just that stupid and don't think about things, or if I'm slow and having to struggle through what others just seem to naturally get.
I over share all the time and I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm in a rant, then I apologize and rant about how I sometimes intentionally rant before I apologize again and leave embarrassed
I've had the same thought - that alexithymia might come from constant gaslighting and the resulting disconnection from and denial of feelings - also wonder if it explains feeling disconnected from body, feeling non-human, and getting tuned out from gut instinct. Just so many messages growing up from very early telling us our inner instincts are wrong. No wonder there is an overlap with those who experience childhood abuse (and of course there's a higher chance autistic people experienced that too).
First time I ever heard about trauma dumping. Thank you for talking about this topic, neurodivergence and abuse/trauma is an interesting topic of conversation that seems as of yet pretty sparsely discussed in general.
FWIW I don't think it's necessarily always a bad thing. Seeing my own reactions to other peoples' experiences has helped me identify my own moorings of trauma that I'd simply been too disassociated from to properly recognize. Like... stuff that I went through doesn't have any emotion attached to it in my mind, but then I get super upset when I learn about other people going through similar things. Which isn't to say it's a *good* thing to just trauma dump, just that it's not *universally* bad.
i think sometimes trauma dumping has an unfair rep. if you arent in the headspace to help, all you have to do is not fcking reply. Trauma dumping probably saves peoples lives. You have to pay for happiness in this world and most of us just cant, plus therapy just ISNT FOR EVERYONE. Some of us just CANT connect with people like that. & that's okay.
Same. I just thought that if everybody else was not telling me about their own trauma was because they did not have any. This helps me asking for consent more often when talking about things that are difficult to talk about.
When she gave the example: “you can’t hear the electricity”, I almost shouted at the screen: *“yes I can, it always buzzes and whines when it’s on!”* I enjoy these videos a lot, they’re either educational, or I just vibe and jive with them
Right??! I’ve always been able to “hear electricity,” and just figured that that was some weird thing I could do that no one else could. I embraced it as a (unfortunately useless, but also not embarrassing) super power. I am beyond thankful for the validation and KUDOS I get from this community. ✊😭
@@peasandorangechicken Yes, this! My TV always sings me the song of its people when I plug it in, and I can hear the point after which it will accept remote input. It has become a fun little ritual of mine to try to turn it on exactly at that point. As a child I told my parents that I can hear electricity and they told me that's impossible, so I believed that it's in my head. I guess it isn't.
I've definitely experienced this growing up. I was a friendly, naive, innocent, pure, weird kid who wanted to be liked by everyone. I've been manipulated by lots of people and was taken advantage of. I tend to do this lots, I do tend to relate the story back to myself.
I was also like you. I got taken advantage of by a classmate who only came to me to help her with school since i was a good student and didn't really liked me. Hope your doing better now
My latest one was befriending a narcissist, it took him literally stealing my business idea for me to start realizing he was not such a good friend after all... I get way too comfortable with people way too quickly if I feel like we click, but I am trying hard to be more careful in the future.
This was also me when I had this “friend” that I used to be with who manipulated me to bully another girl back in elementary. Since I didn’t know about bullying at that time, I thought it was ok until I learned about it in third grade and after that I friended the girl I bullied before and cut ties with this “friend” I used to like.
Oof! This got me in the feels. Brilliant stuff, Sam. Thank you. Learning that I’m autistic and therefore vulnerable to manipulation has been hugely healing for me during the past year or two. I’ve known in the past that I was being bullied, manipulated and gaslit but I blamed myself. As you said, thinking of myself as just too sensitive or stupid to have ended up in a situation where I was hurt has been a source of immense shame and I’ve been working on that in therapy for a while now. We are not broken neurotypicals, we are whole and complete autistics! And it is okay to need help and support, because, after all, the world is not designed for us and that in and of itself can be traumatising.
I was worried this would trigger me but actually it really helped to have the clarity of my autistic behavior that could look manipulative vs. manipulative behavior.
A good book on non-verbal communication is "What every BODY is saying" by Joe Navarro. You can't detect lying. You can only detect a change in person's sense of comfort. If the person interrogated is nervous from the start, they will use the same body language as if "lying", even if they're not. You need to make them comfortable first. If during asking a question they start using signs of nervousness, they may be lying, but they may also be nervous for another reason. The detection rate on average is about 50:50.
This is something I’ve thought a lot about… I am autistic and have a very close autistic friend. Our friendship had been and still is very important to me. It has really helped me understand my own autism and grow in confidence. However, it can sometimes be very difficult because of those exact same autistic traits you mentioned. Even when theses tactics are a result of self preservation and not intended to hurt… unintentionally manipulation still hurts. Then pair that with a shared difficulty in expressing and recognizing each other’s boundaries… few people have had such an overall positive impact on my life but few people are able to hurt me the way they can. I don’t know, maybe that’s just what it’s like when you let yourself be venerable with someone wether you’re autistic or not. 🤷♀️
Sam, our community is so lucky to have you. You are such a wonderful soul and you have created so many invaluable videos, this being one of them. I will always be greatful for everything you have taught us. Hope life is letting you rest and recharge - a great video is always appreciated but knowing our Sam is okay is the most important thing! 💕
The thing about reading body language cues is establishing a baseline of behaviour for an individual. Then observing changes in that baseline. For example an interrogator may ask a suspect simple questions like their name, age, etc to establish their baseline of behaviour, vocal cadence etc and then go into the hard questions like, “Where were you on the night of the murder?” to see that persons responses in contrast to the baseline established. This is why looking up and left doesn’t automatically mean you’re lying. Not making eye contact doesn’t mean you’re inevitably a shady character.
It still relies on the assumption that the perpetrator would experience distress when discussing the topic they're suspected off and innocent people will not. That distress most likely stems from the fear of being punished for their crime. As a result, people who are used to get away with anything are more likely to commit crime and less likely to be punished for it as they won't experience distress. Whereas people who are used to being accused and punished for things they didn't do are less likely to commit crime but more likely to be punished regardless as they will experience distress due to fear of punishment because they know it doesn't matter they did not commit the crime. I believe this dynamic plays an important role in police oppression of minority groups.
We are definitely easy targets. Emotional manipulation is the story of my life, but I am beginning to see through the veil. One way of identifying manipulators is to identify which category of emotional vampires they fit into, as you have also done in this video. It is also nice to see somebody put the fact of us aspies being seen as bullies and manipulators into perspective. We are more empathic and compassionate than most neurotypicals, but we are misunderstood. Our intentions are not bad. I also struggle with people invading my personal space. I was physically and emotionally abused by school bullies in the 80's and '90s. I never finished my studies and I left school early. This is also mentioned in my Asperger's diagnosis report. All humans need their personal space of at least 1.5 meters, but it is more important for us.
This video is quite informative. It helps me see my vulnerability to being manipulated as an autistic person, AND it helps to understand why I have been accused of manipulation and gas lighting, even being narcissistic. Thanks Yo Samdy Sam
"Bureaucratic bullying happens when the person overwhelms you with paperwork procedures or red tape to make it impossible to move forward. For example the UK government." Fabulous!!! You're brilliant Sam!
One thing I really struggle with as an autistic person is figuring out how non-autistics want to be apologized to. I feel like there is a delicate balance between under apologizing and over apologizing and I can't figure out what that balance is. Also, how do you know when an autistic person is being manipulative vs when they're just being autistic? I feel like I have a better sense of when autistic people are manipulating me than when neurotypical people do it, but I don't want to assume autistic people are being manipulative when they could just be expressing their autism in a different way than I express it.
I'm sorry or oops, is enough for simple things like knocking food off the table or letting go of the door in their face because you thought they had it. If you wrecked their car, I'm sorry is a good start, but then you have to figure out how to make them whole by paying for repairs or a new car if theirs was totaled (Insurance is so helpful). If you embarassed someone, see if there is more that you can do to make them feel better. The real key is if you are really sorry, you will try to not repeat the mistake.
@@mgd6087 It doesn't seem to be that easy. Some people seem to take anything more than "sorry" as making excuses. Which I don't get because if I hurt someone, especially without realizing I did it, I want to know how to prevent the same thing in the future. Just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't lead to the answer to fix the problem.
@@bdhesse If your body injured someone you are responsible for it because you are "the pilot" of your body. It doesn't matter at all if you didn't mean to. They are physically hurting if there was much energy in the collision. As long as there are no serious injuries and they liked you before, they will get over it after a while. If it is a repeating "accident" you have to pay more attention and maybe the two of you need to come up with a solution so that it stops happening. You can ask them if they have any ideas on how to prevent it in the future. I'm sure at some point someone told you not to laugh during funerals especially when people are crying. Non-autistics are not all the same in terms of sensitivity to pain and also cultural norms. In my very ethnic, immigrant neighborhood there is a lot of crowding and bumping as people go from store to store and shop for food out on the sidewalk. They can be oblivious to small bumps and get a lot closer that the rest of us find comfortable. They would not expect or give an apology for small pushing. Other people who are of different ethnicity can get seriously offended by being bumped and especially that there was no apology. Different example: Some people get wacked out if the toilet seat and lid are not put down after every use. Some want the seat down but don't care about the lid. Other's don't care about either at all. In this case it is more important to find out what is acceptable and just do it. At my house we leave it the way I like. At my friend's house we do it they way they like. No one is "right". Everyone has their own reasons that they like it a certain way and everyone uses the bathroom. The only issue is how people will peacefully coexist.
The problem might be HOW you're apologizing, rather than how much. Look up resources on how to make a good apology, which should give you a rubric to test your apologies against. You mentioned in a later comment that they start feeling you are making excuses; I also tend to try to explain what happened, but it makes for a better apology to focus on the person who was hurt and the impact on them, rather than the reasons from your perspective. This has been a hard thing for me to try to adjust to, especially since I am the exact opposite: I don't really care how guilty or sorry you are, I want to understand how/why it happened! But apparently most people just want to know that you validate their feelings of being hurt.
@@jadelinny My view: I can tell when someone is sincerely sorry. Those are the people who I don't need an apology from because I already know they will try hard not to repeat the mistake or injury. For others they are sorry they got caught rather than sorry they caused harm.
This has ruined my life. My two last exes was really destructive and I eventually bacome ill and later on developed ME/CFS. It was during adulthood I figured out that manipulation even existed. I've been soo naive my whole life. I'm 37 and it's not until now I've started to realize I'm probably autistic and that explains, well everything.
@@turtleanton6539 Not yet. I'm waiting for like an evaluation. But the primary care givers psychologist suspect and/or some other neuropsychiatric disorder of some kind.
This is so important to many of us. If it hadn't been for people like you, who explain how manipulation works, I would have never realised I'm dealing with that sort of stuff. Thank you
Sam, this is my favorite video of yours so far. I have one suggestion. Can you include a brief half-second pause between sentences in the editing cuts? I find it much easier to process.
Yeah I usually don't have an issue with this but I watched sections on 0.75 speed and then again at "normal" speed. I like your suggestion. At least it's not live and we have options like this tho.
Thank you so much for making this video! I was raised in an abusive home and did not learn how to “people” and I also have worked very hard to break the cycle and raise my kids in a loving open environment. Since they are now bigger I have been trying to teach them more advanced concepts about boundaries and manipulation and you explained it so much better than I could! I also appreciate your perspective which allows them to understand their friends who have autism. Although we ourselves are not autistic ( so far as we know) since I grew up with trauma everyone here is very direct and literal so indirect or manipulative behavior is confusing to them. I’ve even shared your video with my friend who is trying to teach her kid to spot manipulation as well. So, not only are you helping people protect themselves, you’re helping parents teach kids to protect themselves and their friends, and to avoid accidentally hurting people they care about! So thank you 😊
I'm honestly impressed by your 'comeback' video, well researched, very informative, not overwhelming and as an added bonus the editing was amazing. 😁 now I'm off googling this personality disorder you mentioned. 😎
"Observe the emotions but don't absorb them!" 👌🏼That's genious! Thank you for this video! It's so funny everytime I realize a 'normal' behaviour of mine is again another autistic trait. I thought I've become some kind of an expert on autistic traits by now, because it kinda became a special interest for me to research autism traits.😋 But this one was new to me. When someone speaks to me, often I relate and share a similar experience I had. But I've learned that some people didn't like that so I try to not do it that often. But I can't help it...I just HAVE to share my experience. 😅 Right now I'm working on 'minimizing' my storys...I often share everything from A to Z and it ends up with a monologue. Being autistic and knowing about it is kinda hard... Anyway....originally I was planning on just thanking you for this video, and now I realized I rambled on again...it's a never ending story 😂
If you always talk about yourself when someone has shared something painful, you are hearing but not listening. It's their story with their details. They may not have the capacity to help you process your feelings at that time. Classically: "My father just died" "I know how you feel, my dog died last year". The correct answer to my "dad just died" is "I'm so sorry" or "my condolences". The next thing you say will depend on what relationship you have to them. If you knew the dad you might ask if they are planning a service (so you can attend). If it was a tragedy a comment like "that is so sad" or "how are you doing with it?". There are etiquette books that are extremely helpful on dealing with deaths. If someone is all worked up about something, when they have let off steam about it, you might ask if they have thought about what they might do about it.
@@mgd6087 I don’t know what to say when someone has that experience. I didn’t know what to say when my dad died, we were close but I didn’t feel much either.
@@honved1 I am sorry for your loss, no matter how long it's been. For you the words "We were close." would be fine. If it's true, you might say "I' glad I had a good dad". "I will miss him." "I'm not sad that he's gone, but I would have enjoyed him getting to live longer." "I'm relieved he didn't have to suffer longer because he was in a lot of pain at the end". "I'm glad he left me with a lot of good memories". "He taught me a lot of good things". Something like those sentences would be ok. If others say: "I'm sorry for your loss." just say thank you." If they ask you something about your dad that you are not comfortable talking about just say: "I'm not comfortable talking about it." If you do want to say more about him: "let me tell you about how (funny, smart, kind, inventive, favorite sports, loved to cook, garden ...) he was. Today I paid a condolence visit to a friend who lost her most steady relationship yesterday (the dog died). She needed someone to listen to her with understanding. She told me 4 times how her dog died. She will probably tell it to me somemore times because of how shocked she was at the suddenness of it. As I listened to the repetitions, other parts of the story came out and each one of those pieces was important to her. I just kept listening until she announced that she was exhausted and wanted to sleep. So I said ok. I'll go now. I took my cues from her. (The first time she had said she was tired and then she kept on talking so I just stayed and listened.) Nobody is great at handling the news of a significant death whether they are the one grieving or the one supporting the bereaved. There are advice and ettiquette books that will help you have more confidence in those situations.
Thank you for talking about this subject, Sam. It's important to recognise this type of behaviour so that we can say 'no' to it and walk away and mitigate the damage.
I had to start over and start taking notes. 3 pages of them. I know a lot of this stuff but it feels so good to hear somebody else validate it. Well, maybe not that great because it means..... well... no trauma dumping ✔
That's funny, I still always assume that I'm not close with people, even after they claim to be friends. I just don't see how I matter to them unless there's a consistent set of actions on their side
"don't fix other people", has been important! My circle of friends grows and new friends get excited when they're told by whomever introduced them that I can do things (hyperfocus benefit) they start imagining all the things in their lives I could help with (from their memory to their fence panels)! I used to get drawn in and spend my life helping others with little to no reward, now I explain that, "everyone says that", when they ask if I would fix them or their environment and it seems to be the polite way of saying, "no". No friendship points are lost...
Thank you for a very helpful & incredibly important video on the aspects of manipulation. Boundaries are so important, it's the learning of when, where, what and the how that's a slippery slide into confusion.
"It may seem that setting boundaries will keep you isolated from people". That perception is often a main cause why people stay stuck in self doubt and toxic relationships. Nail on the head.
I love the part in the video about how autistic behaviors can be misinterpreted as manipulative. I’m guessing this sometimes can apply to non-autistic people as well. It can all get very confusing. I have felt a lot of guilt lately, because I’m realizing some behaviors I interpreted as being manipulative MIGHT have been due to neurodivergent traits such as alexythemia. It’s such a hard balance… protecting ourselves from abuse and boundary intrusions but also having compassion for other people. I usually fail horribly at this balance… either being too mean to protect myself or being a doormat because of hyperempathy. 😩
Same here it's rough not knowing I just say to myself if it feels like abuse it probably is . No matter if the person means to or not. And then decide if I wanna stay and try to set boundaries or leave
Thank you for saying something about narcissism. I have taken note how trendy it is to use that word and it’s always made feel uncomfortable and uneasy that it is a buzzword.
Really lovely to see you pop up in my feed today. Hope you’re doing ok. A brilliant video, well explained. Thank you for taking the time to write this and post 😘
"Stop being so sensitive!" "Are you crying AGAIN?" "You don't want that." "It's not THAT bad." "You're not really tired/sick/upset." "Oh, ignore her, she just wants attention." "I don't remember it that way." Well, that was me growing up.
This is quite possibly the most difficult subject to tackle and you did it well, very well! Thank you. It's sad to know there are people out there that manipulate and abuse others and that we as neurodivergent people are more likely to fall victim to them. Thankfully it's also good to know we're not alone in this and we can heal and learn and grow.
Heavy topic, but this actually made me chuckle in realization of how my ADHD confusion has probably been misinterpreted in the past. Thanks for a great video!
Thank you so much for this! I've been struggling with this topic for a couple of weeks now and it really shed some light on certain relationships. Great and clear info as always! Edit: Good for you to set boundaries around trauma dumping. I sometimes do that but unintentionally, and as a person with traumatic experiences it made the comment section a lot easier to read. Also, I think the discussion becomes more constructive and focused. It is your channel and you have all the right to define your boundaries around it!
Super relatable! For years I'm listening this question by therapists, coaches, doctors :Why your boundaries are so smooth and weak? - thank you for answering them in a such good way!
Absolutely excellent! I was worried for the 1st half that I have been accused of some of these 'manipulative' behaviours totally wrongly & completely misunderstood, by someone with no patience & little empathy ... but then the 2nd half explained how autistic people are often misinterpreted by neurotypicals in a society where manipulation is endemic (advertising, politics etc.) I never intend to manipulate. I am straightforward to a fault! But I can come across wrongly when people assume subterfuge or hidden motives or misinterpret my facial expressions (which bear no resemblance to my feelings apparently.) You are brilliant & most helpful, but the deluge of info, the speed & intensity are overwhelming to me & I couldn't take it all in at once. So I'm going to re-listen to a slowed-down repeat of this, allowing myself pauses for thought & to absorb & consider it all. Thanks again. This is wonderful. :)
Beautifully explained. Definitely been there (both manipulating - consciously or not - and being manipulated, mostly the latter, though). Good to know that I've already been improving my protective strategies since I've discovered I'm very likely on the spectrum. Boundaries are probably the most powerful "tools" we have to deal with others, indeed.
As someone who's on the mild end of the Spectrum ( Asperger's ), I've been manipulated myself a few times. The worst was a 7 year friendship with a chap whom I only fully realized in the 6 years since I got out of there only befriended me out of pity cos he seemed convinced that the majority of people were out to give me grief cos I was different hence him trying to give me trust issues. I mean yes, I have gotten grief but not on the scale that he claims & nothing compared to the grief he generally gave me. And what's really sad is that, as someone who was also in the same year as me at Primary School, he just couldn't accept that I had changed & grown more confident ( socially in particular, he'd often get suspicious if I wasn't talking much lol seriously ) over the past 20 years.
Thank you for this video. I have personal experience with being in a manipulative relationship, but I particularly found value in the topic of gaslighting in terms of being autistic and growing up. I've never really thought of it like that, but it was very recognizable. I've been told a lot that I'm lazy and don't have any discipline or willpower. I was probably just constantly overwhelmed and shutting down...
That’s a great and complex topic to talk about. I think over the years I found my way for dealing with manipulation that helps me not to involve emotionally and not to follow. I just ask myself several questions: 1)Is it my need or their need? 2)Do I want to help? 3)Do I know how to help? 4) What it will cost me in terms of money, time, emotions? 5)Am I ready to pay that much and lose it, if something goes wrong? After that I have two possible ways of reacting: 1)decline to help and feel myself justified, cause I can tell exactly why. 2) Agree to help and take it as charity, remembering that what I gave away will never come back. (If it won’t - no regrets, if it will - positive surprise). That method saves me a lot of cognitive function and now works almost automatically :)
Nice to see you again, Sam! You look great. Thanks for this video. You've given me a lot to think about. I can identify some times in the past when I was manipulated and I can see how my behaviour sometimes seems manipulating to others.
This is why I choose to be alone and assume everyone (NTs specifically) is horrible, because abuse and manipulation towards us is so common. It's actually a nice weight lifted off me to just go about my day with minimal socializing and I can be blunt or "mean" and not care. My safety over their feelings.
Alot of what you covered I learned from the Army in my line of work. LOTS of cross referencing of previous information and outside examples, really does help. It's hard, and it only works if you're vigilant, but you can spot it in time with some training.
@@jamarawilliams5819 no prob! just remember the key to manipulation avoidance is staying on topic. Manipulators regularly shift topics mid convo and toss in as much junk information as they can so you're confused and or distracted enough that they can get what they want out of ya.
I am endlessly recalling anecdotes of my similar situations and I never used to realize people would take it as trying to "one up" them... I was just trying to relate and keep the conversation going...
How do they react when you tell your story? Do they engage or do they disengage? Intentions and what is inferred often conflict. It's certainly possible they are receptive to your anecdote but it can also be seen as one-upmanship. It's hard in American society where politeness is the societal standard that it's hard to find out the truth. I've heard other cultures are "ruder" but at least people are free to speak their mind/feelings.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766 most people will be ok with it luckily, but I have had a few visibly mad at me and start to push me out of the conversation. I have been able to offset more often with compliments on theirs (which I thought their story was awesome but I just didn't say it)
@@sallyjrwjrw6766 naa, I stopped waiting to speak a long time ago, I now have to hold myself back from interrupting people; I now know how to keep conversations going and stay engaged, and I also know when other people have lost interest for any of their own reasons. I always listen, but very often I have people accuse me of not listening
Welcome back Sam! Great video. I recognised so much of myself and my experience in this. Being easily manipulated and taken advantage of wasn’t something I recognised in myself until I had my autism assessment (at the age of 37) -something my mum wrote in the paperwork caught my assessors eye and we did a lot of discussion around that, and it was only then by looking at it through that lens that I realised I have countless examples throughout my life from childhood where I have been manipulated and taken advantage of by so called friends. It’s something I am much more mindful of now and try to take steps to protect myself from it. Looking forward to your next video!
I went through this hellish rollercoaster of self-doubt and paranoia recently, because 2020 wasn't hard enough. I have a fascination for psychology and I started to get interested in narcissism and trauma. It was horrible to read it about it, and to recognize (in that black or white-way) those traits in my own behavior. Felt horrible depression, guilt and confusion for over a year. It was also confusing to realize the many times, that I've been abused and manipulated in the past by self-centered, wounded people. Thank you for the video, it feels like I'm not alone and going crazy with thoughts like these.
I had never really thought about this, but it was really eye-opening listening to you go through manipulative behaviours that actually reads like a laundry list of all the things that an autistic person may or will do but _not_ out of trying to manipulate people.
Thank you for this profoundly insightful video. Before watching, I had thought I already knew a lot on this topic, and you independently affirmed all of that, and also taught me more that I was not aware of. Superbly insightful! Props & much respect and admiration to you.
You have described things a real friend can do, that I point out a time you remembered wrong, doesn't mean I'm gaslighting you, in 100% of the cases, it means human nature and bad memory means one of us is remembering something wrong. Your target audience is people who can have a nervous disposition and you just spend 30 minutes scaring the crap out of anyone who was otherwise able to have some social interactions.
Coming in with a banger of a video! It is a heavy video but i adore it, and will be rewatching. My therapist actually helped me learn boundaries as well, and he covered a lot of what you're saying here. But this video is so concise and easy to understand, and of course centers autistic people and I am here for it! This is such a great resource. Thanl you so much :)
Thank you, this is your best video yet. I have only just realised how many times I have been manipulated in the past and now I am starting to identify when it is happening. This video really helps. Thank you.
I'm in my 50s & self-diagnosed. Your videos & a few from others have helped me understand why I do things and/or react to things in a certain way. Thank you for what you do.
thank you so much for this video. i love how you broke it all down from the term into how it makes you feel and how it can be used. we all manipulate and i'm glad that you pointed that out. same with how people struggling with mental illness are often shamed and blamed which doesn't help them or anybody feeling victimized. i learned a lot and things i'd been reading have been validated as well. thank you again. this video really helped me relate my experience to others and understand it better. life is so nuanced! thank you again for being so specific and addressing the spectrum. and yes, yes I can hear the electricity LOL
One year since you posted this (and therefore theoretically 2 years since you started trying to write a script for it), I've come to say - I appreciate your emotional labour! (and physical, intellectual etc obviously)
Thank you so much for talking about this. As an autistic survivor of abuse, I've realized how important it is for other autistic people to be able to recognize and properly respond to manipulation - the earlier, the better. I'm glad others are also spreading awareness and providing help. Like you said, it's a heavy topic, with lots of information to process.... Stimming, anyone?
Fantastic video on manipulation, abuse/trauma, how to recognize it, how to detect it, how to cope, and differentiating common misconceptions in autistic behavior. Great work well done. This quality video is jammed packed full of helpful information.
Great information, not just for those of us who are autistic but for everyone! Interesting how all the manipulation tactics so perfectly describe the last few years.
Thank you for this wonderful, informative video! I learned so much about why certain patterns and relationship dynamics have repeated themselves many times in my life. I'm so glad you're back to making videos! Congrats on your new little one, too. 😁💖
After being out of an abuse friendship that lasted 3 years, it's crazy to see how all of these things were being done to me, all the time. They used their depression as guilt tripping and used my want for being a better friend to call me a bad friend/bad person whenever I tried to remove myself from the situation. I knew something was wrong, but was afraid to leave, since threats of SH were usually their go-to. I'm finally free of them and never been happier. To anyone out there dealing with a manipulator. Be careful and have the courage to leave. It will get better.
I am so glad to have watched your video. I’m a neurotypical with two autistic daughters. Being able to identify my ‘manipulative’ parenting skill has been very difficult to process. I’m guilty in causing them emotional harm and they developed anxiety and depression.( now age 20 and 17). I just wish I have understood and known about their conditions earlier ( older one received formal diagnosis at 16, the youngest is not formally diagnosed yet). I hope in everyday life there is to come, I can make up to them and help to build their self-esteem up to live a fulfilling life where they can make good choices.
I have dealt with this most of my life, I didn’t really know how to deal with it so I found it easier to be a loaner and keep everyone at arms length and still do.
thank you, your explanation of how autistic people contribute to conversation by offering an example of when something similar happened to them- was eyeopening, this is something I do but couldn't quite work out why or why others responded oddly to it. I did think of it as contributing - but never saw it might be read as trying to turn the conversation to myself. and also for the language to frame manipulation with. much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing what you know about this topic! It’s very complex, but you made it fairly easy to understand. I never thought of alexithymia possibly resulting from being told that you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting” when expressing yourself. I have been told that I am “too sensitive” over and over, and it’s caused me to put my needs beneath everyone else’s. Also, thank you for sharing “trauma dumping.” I noticed people doing this (myself included) and I didn’t know what it was, but often thought it inappropriate. I have learned to ask people if they are emotionally available to listen. I’ll be rewatching this a few times to make sure I caught everything because I think it will help with my current situation!
I am lucky I don’t have anyone close to me that’s overly like this. I do have to set my boundaries better though. The worst example in my life is the vice principle at my kids school. 😬 Soooo much of this applies to the way she does things. But fortunately, we don’t have to deal with her very often, and I’ll bring my husband along just to make sure things go better. I’m also glad you covered the autistic side of things, because I have noticed a LOT of what autism involves can come across that way and I always feel so worried people will think I’m doing things to be manipulative, and it’s really not, it’s just something I actually need vs trying to advance myself at the cost of someone else. To me that’s where the difference comes in.
Honestly I kind of agree when people say and use the word "narcissist" or brand them as "toxic" simply because they do something that somebody does/doesn't want them to do. And what if they even are that way I would honestly say it would lean more towards emotional immaturity than a would-be narcissism. Emotional immaturity is far more prevalent and changeable than narcissism is in a clinical diagnosis that is an actual mental diagnosis and not just a cultural shaming word
Oh wow, thank you for helping me reframe many of my traits that I've felt deep shame around. I'm ND and likely ASC. I've never tried to manipulate anyone but have been accused of it, and when looking into types of manipulation I started to self-label as manipulative. When experiencing extremely harmful manipulation and recognising it I felt unable to speak up because of that self-label. Even setting boundaries since has been deeply discomforting, because I saw them as myself being manipulative again. This video has been eye-opening.
This was super helpful! A video on autistic long term memory would also be incredibly interesting if you're interested in making that in the future! PS. Your videos were one of the resources that helped me realize I might be autistic. Thanks for that as well!!
thank you for this video, i have a really hard time with not knowing how much to share, assume people have good intentions. The gaslighting thing is huge too. "your too sensitive" is something I heard all the time. I now realize the family members telling me that are the manipulators. They still make fun of me about my punctuality though ( I will be an hour early so I am not late) they do not understand the level of anxiety that I experience about letting others down. I really appreciate your content.
Awesome 🙏🏽✨❤️ I think people are easily manipulated when we doubt our selves, a doubt which is often the result of trauma, whether that trauma comes from our own unique sensitivities or from abusers or both. Some of us were taught (and believed) we had to try try try, try harder, try again, you’re weak but you can get strong! Just try!! Harder!!! Meanwhile the manipulators watch those efforts while drinking tea and laughing. It teaches you to be OK with being labeled a villain or a reject, which turns out is itself a manipulation, until eventually you cannot be bothered to give a good GD what other people think.
I love this video and it's nuance, and loved that it started with a request for folks not to trauma dump in the comments or pathologize people with cluster b personality disorder Dxs!
Unfortunately I never know when I’m being taken advantage of so I get people doing it all the time. My family tells me when people are so I at least have that to help keep me safe.
I always think I’m being manipulated but I go along with it most of the time because I don’t want to lose out on relationships and normalcy. I’ve also been told that I’m very controlling but it never makes sense to me because it’s always when I’m being manipulated. Aarrrggghhh! Life is so hard to understand!
I was told I was being controlling when I set and communicated reasonable boundaries to someone who lacked personal boundaries. It has taken me a long time to finally start to see relationships as they really are and recognize the red flags.
@@elizabethcarroll2360 I think everyone has a different view of what manipulation is. As a bloke I was always told to tell a female how things make "me feel" so that they would understand the full extent of what I mean. Example: When you do this... or when this happens it make me feel "XYZ". Nowadays some people say that that is emotional manipulation! How confusing!!!
Thanks so much for making this video. I am autistic and someone who has struggled a lot with manipulative people and some of these techniques used by people without the intent of manipulation. (Which is for someone who struggles socially anyway is a very fine distinction to make but an important one!) This video was great at explaining it and shining a light on so much that I've dealt with in my life. I wish I could have seen this a long time ago but I am super grateful for having found it now! Thanks for also sharing tips on how to set boundaries and have these conversations. I am definitely going to work on this for myself. 👏✊
Samdy Sam, Thank you for making this video. I have experienced emotional manipulation in the past and wish I had this video to help me sooner. I really appreciate your kind and patient tone.
This is a timely video! I’ve been a fan of your content for almost a year now, and I just got out of an abusive relationship that lasted a couple months. I’ve been doing a lot of research about ADHD, autism, and how they relate to people with personality disorders or people who are often referred to as “toxic”, and what that should mean. It clearly gets thrown around a lot, but good, qualified research helps to make some meaningful distinctions between people who can be jerks sometimes with people who have serious and often untreatable problems. Many Cluster B personalities will be intentionally malevolent. As your video shows, it’s important to know the difference between this kind of untreatable malevolence and someone who is, say, neurodivergent.
Love your words RE toxic people and personality disorder. I love Sam Vaknin's current theory that actually all personality disorders are an outcome of severe PTSD/CPTSD
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"You're overthinking it" in my experience, is a very commonly used phrase by non autistic people that makes me feel gaslit.
I use to answer that with «that may be so, but thinking is my only way of understanding the world🤷🏼♀️»
Yep, I always respond by saying “what you consider *over*thinking is just simply thinking to me”
@@marzwolfe4037 and I thought that come back of mine was original. I think I need to think (or overthink) this.
@@marzwolfe4037 Same, I usually reply with "...or are you simply not thinking enough about it?", or I used to because I no longer hang out with neurotypicals :D
I get that CONSTANTLY. Or "You're getting stuck in your head" because I'm feeling uncomfortable.
I always wondered if people were honestly just that stupid and don't think about things, or if I'm slow and having to struggle through what others just seem to naturally get.
I over share all the time and I don't realize I'm doing it until I'm in a rant, then I apologize and rant about how I sometimes intentionally rant before I apologize again and leave embarrassed
Omg me like every day. 🤣👍🏼
Can definitely relate!
I've had the same thought - that alexithymia might come from constant gaslighting and the resulting disconnection from and denial of feelings - also wonder if it explains feeling disconnected from body, feeling non-human, and getting tuned out from gut instinct. Just so many messages growing up from very early telling us our inner instincts are wrong. No wonder there is an overlap with those who experience childhood abuse (and of course there's a higher chance autistic people experienced that too).
Makes a lot of sense.
They all sound like trauma responses and being constantly gaslit can be traumatic for many
First time I ever heard about trauma dumping. Thank you for talking about this topic, neurodivergence and abuse/trauma is an interesting topic of conversation that seems as of yet pretty sparsely discussed in general.
Me too... completely cringed at myself for oversharing recently after hearing that. Something to work towards in the future!
FWIW I don't think it's necessarily always a bad thing. Seeing my own reactions to other peoples' experiences has helped me identify my own moorings of trauma that I'd simply been too disassociated from to properly recognize. Like... stuff that I went through doesn't have any emotion attached to it in my mind, but then I get super upset when I learn about other people going through similar things.
Which isn't to say it's a *good* thing to just trauma dump, just that it's not *universally* bad.
i think sometimes trauma dumping has an unfair rep. if you arent in the headspace to help, all you have to do is not fcking reply. Trauma dumping probably saves peoples lives. You have to pay for happiness in this world and most of us just cant, plus therapy just ISNT FOR EVERYONE. Some of us just CANT connect with people like that. & that's okay.
Same. I just thought that if everybody else was not telling me about their own trauma was because they did not have any. This helps me asking for consent more often when talking about things that are difficult to talk about.
@@Feminazi1dc unhealthy take
When she gave the example: “you can’t hear the electricity”, I almost shouted at the screen: *“yes I can, it always buzzes and whines when it’s on!”*
I enjoy these videos a lot, they’re either educational, or I just vibe and jive with them
Or the weird high pitched noise older TVs or cheap TVs made/make when first turned on!
Yes! And silent alarm sounds (low level hum) & the lights buzzing in stores! I can't believe others can hear it! I thought it was just me.
Right??!
I’ve always been able to “hear electricity,” and just figured that that was some weird thing I could do that no one else could. I embraced it as a (unfortunately useless, but also not embarrassing) super power.
I am beyond thankful for the validation and KUDOS I get from this community. ✊😭
@@peasandorangechicken Yes, this! My TV always sings me the song of its people when I plug it in, and I can hear the point after which it will accept remote input. It has become a fun little ritual of mine to try to turn it on exactly at that point.
As a child I told my parents that I can hear electricity and they told me that's impossible, so I believed that it's in my head. I guess it isn't.
yeah people annoy me with the question why Im so sensitive ... ask my brain 😂
I've definitely experienced this growing up. I was a friendly, naive, innocent, pure, weird kid who wanted to be liked by everyone. I've been manipulated by lots of people and was taken advantage of. I tend to do this lots, I do tend to relate the story back to myself.
This was me 🥺
I was also like you. I got taken advantage of by a classmate who only came to me to help her with school since i was a good student and didn't really liked me. Hope your doing better now
My latest one was befriending a narcissist, it took him literally stealing my business idea for me to start realizing he was not such a good friend after all... I get way too comfortable with people way too quickly if I feel like we click, but I am trying hard to be more careful in the future.
This was also me when I had this “friend” that I used to be with who manipulated me to bully another girl back in elementary. Since I didn’t know about bullying at that time, I thought it was ok until I learned about it in third grade and after that I friended the girl I bullied before and cut ties with this “friend” I used to like.
We're people pleasers, unfortunately making ourselves less pleased.
Oof! This got me in the feels. Brilliant stuff, Sam. Thank you.
Learning that I’m autistic and therefore vulnerable to manipulation has been hugely healing for me during the past year or two. I’ve known in the past that I was being bullied, manipulated and gaslit but I blamed myself. As you said, thinking of myself as just too sensitive or stupid to have ended up in a situation where I was hurt has been a source of immense shame and I’ve been working on that in therapy for a while now.
We are not broken neurotypicals, we are whole and complete autistics! And it is okay to need help and support, because, after all, the world is not designed for us and that in and of itself can be traumatising.
I was worried this would trigger me but actually it really helped to have the clarity of my autistic behavior that could look manipulative vs. manipulative behavior.
Yes me too.
A good book on non-verbal communication is "What every BODY is saying" by Joe Navarro. You can't detect lying. You can only detect a change in person's sense of comfort. If the person interrogated is nervous from the start, they will use the same body language as if "lying", even if they're not. You need to make them comfortable first. If during asking a question they start using signs of nervousness, they may be lying, but they may also be nervous for another reason. The detection rate on average is about 50:50.
This is something I’ve thought a lot about…
I am autistic and have a very close autistic friend. Our friendship had been and still is very important to me. It has really helped me understand my own autism and grow in confidence. However, it can sometimes be very difficult because of those exact same autistic traits you mentioned. Even when theses tactics are a result of self preservation and not intended to hurt… unintentionally manipulation still hurts.
Then pair that with a shared difficulty in expressing and recognizing each other’s boundaries… few people have had such an overall positive impact on my life but few people are able to hurt me the way they can.
I don’t know, maybe that’s just what it’s like when you let yourself be venerable with someone wether you’re autistic or not. 🤷♀️
Sam, our community is so lucky to have you. You are such a wonderful soul and you have created so many invaluable videos, this being one of them. I will always be greatful for everything you have taught us. Hope life is letting you rest and recharge - a great video is always appreciated but knowing our Sam is okay is the most important thing! 💕
Thank you Holly!
The thing about reading body language cues is establishing a baseline of behaviour for an individual. Then observing changes in that baseline. For example an interrogator may ask a suspect simple questions like their name, age, etc to establish their baseline of behaviour, vocal cadence etc and then go into the hard questions like, “Where were you on the night of the murder?” to see that persons responses in contrast to the baseline established. This is why looking up and left doesn’t automatically mean you’re lying. Not making eye contact doesn’t mean you’re inevitably a shady character.
It still relies on the assumption that the perpetrator would experience distress when discussing the topic they're suspected off and innocent people will not. That distress most likely stems from the fear of being punished for their crime. As a result, people who are used to get away with anything are more likely to commit crime and less likely to be punished for it as they won't experience distress. Whereas people who are used to being accused and punished for things they didn't do are less likely to commit crime but more likely to be punished regardless as they will experience distress due to fear of punishment because they know it doesn't matter they did not commit the crime. I believe this dynamic plays an important role in police oppression of minority groups.
@@bcmpinc Thank you for this well articulated addition! ❤️👍
We are definitely easy targets. Emotional manipulation is the story of my life, but I am beginning to see through the veil. One way of identifying manipulators is to identify which category of emotional vampires they fit into, as you have also done in this video. It is also nice to see somebody put the fact of us aspies being seen as bullies and manipulators into perspective. We are more empathic and compassionate than most neurotypicals, but we are misunderstood. Our intentions are not bad. I also struggle with people invading my personal space. I was physically and emotionally abused by school bullies in the 80's and '90s. I never finished my studies and I left school early. This is also mentioned in my Asperger's diagnosis report. All humans need their personal space of at least 1.5 meters, but it is more important for us.
“No is a complete sentence.” That is powerfully succinct
This video is quite informative. It helps me see my vulnerability to being manipulated as an autistic person, AND it helps to understand why I have been accused of manipulation and gas lighting, even being narcissistic.
Thanks Yo Samdy Sam
"Bureaucratic bullying happens when the person overwhelms you with paperwork procedures or red tape to make it impossible to move forward. For example the UK government." Fabulous!!! You're brilliant Sam!
One thing I really struggle with as an autistic person is figuring out how non-autistics want to be apologized to. I feel like there is a delicate balance between under apologizing and over apologizing and I can't figure out what that balance is. Also, how do you know when an autistic person is being manipulative vs when they're just being autistic? I feel like I have a better sense of when autistic people are manipulating me than when neurotypical people do it, but I don't want to assume autistic people are being manipulative when they could just be expressing their autism in a different way than I express it.
I'm sorry or oops, is enough for simple things like knocking food off the table or letting go of the door in their face because you thought they had it. If you wrecked their car, I'm sorry is a good start, but then you have to figure out how to make them whole by paying for repairs or a new car if theirs was totaled (Insurance is so helpful). If you embarassed someone, see if there is more that you can do to make them feel better. The real key is if you are really sorry, you will try to not repeat the mistake.
@@mgd6087 It doesn't seem to be that easy. Some people seem to take anything more than "sorry" as making excuses. Which I don't get because if I hurt someone, especially without realizing I did it, I want to know how to prevent the same thing in the future. Just saying "I'm sorry" doesn't lead to the answer to fix the problem.
@@bdhesse If your body injured someone you are responsible for it because you are "the pilot" of your body. It doesn't matter at all if you didn't mean to. They are physically hurting if there was much energy in the collision. As long as there are no serious injuries and they liked you before, they will get over it after a while. If it is a repeating "accident" you have to pay more attention and maybe the two of you need to come up with a solution so that it stops happening. You can ask them if they have any ideas on how to prevent it in the future. I'm sure at some point someone told you not to laugh during funerals especially when people are crying. Non-autistics are not all the same in terms of sensitivity to pain and also cultural norms. In my very ethnic, immigrant neighborhood there is a lot of crowding and bumping as people go from store to store and shop for food out on the sidewalk. They can be oblivious to small bumps and get a lot closer that the rest of us find comfortable. They would not expect or give an apology for small pushing. Other people who are of different ethnicity can get seriously offended by being bumped and especially that there was no apology. Different example: Some people get wacked out if the toilet seat and lid are not put down after every use. Some want the seat down but don't care about the lid. Other's don't care about either at all. In this case it is more important to find out what is acceptable and just do it. At my house we leave it the way I like. At my friend's house we do it they way they like. No one is "right". Everyone has their own reasons that they like it a certain way and everyone uses the bathroom. The only issue is how people will peacefully coexist.
The problem might be HOW you're apologizing, rather than how much. Look up resources on how to make a good apology, which should give you a rubric to test your apologies against. You mentioned in a later comment that they start feeling you are making excuses; I also tend to try to explain what happened, but it makes for a better apology to focus on the person who was hurt and the impact on them, rather than the reasons from your perspective.
This has been a hard thing for me to try to adjust to, especially since I am the exact opposite: I don't really care how guilty or sorry you are, I want to understand how/why it happened! But apparently most people just want to know that you validate their feelings of being hurt.
@@jadelinny My view: I can tell when someone is sincerely sorry. Those are the people who I don't need an apology from because I already know they will try hard not to repeat the mistake or injury. For others they are sorry they got caught rather than sorry they caused harm.
This has ruined my life. My two last exes was really destructive and I eventually bacome ill and later on developed ME/CFS. It was during adulthood I figured out that manipulation even existed. I've been soo naive my whole life. I'm 37 and it's not until now I've started to realize I'm probably autistic and that explains, well everything.
Did ypu get diagnsed
@@turtleanton6539 Not yet. I'm waiting for like an evaluation. But the primary care givers psychologist suspect and/or some other neuropsychiatric disorder of some kind.
This is so important to many of us. If it hadn't been for people like you, who explain how manipulation works, I would have never realised I'm dealing with that sort of stuff. Thank you
Sam, this is my favorite video of yours so far. I have one suggestion. Can you include a brief half-second pause between sentences in the editing cuts? I find it much easier to process.
Same. This is by far one of the most helpful videos I’ve seen on this subject, but as a non-native English speaker, it was really hard to process.
Seconded. The talking was quite fast for me to understand.
Yeah I usually don't have an issue with this but I watched sections on 0.75 speed and then again at "normal" speed. I like your suggestion. At least it's not live and we have options like this tho.
I didn't know how much I needed to hear this.
Thank you so much for making this video! I was raised in an abusive home and did not learn how to “people” and I also have worked very hard to break the cycle and raise my kids in a loving open environment. Since they are now bigger I have been trying to teach them more advanced concepts about boundaries and manipulation and you explained it so much better than I could! I also appreciate your perspective which allows them to understand their friends who have autism. Although we ourselves are not autistic ( so far as we know) since I grew up with trauma everyone here is very direct and literal so indirect or manipulative behavior is confusing to them. I’ve even shared your video with my friend who is trying to teach her kid to spot manipulation as well. So, not only are you helping people protect themselves, you’re helping parents teach kids to protect themselves and their friends, and to avoid accidentally hurting people they care about! So thank you 😊
I love how you acknowledge that manipulative people are people, too.
"for example, the UK government" instant like!
I'm honestly impressed by your 'comeback' video, well researched, very informative, not overwhelming and as an added bonus the editing was amazing. 😁 now I'm off googling this personality disorder you mentioned. 😎
*Desperately scrolling the comments to find someone who noticed the editing*
@@YoSamdySam You did great!!! Way to go, Sam! 🤩
I agree. It definitely seemed like it has extra polish from what I remembered from previous videos.
@@YoSamdySam Hello Samdy love your videos.
Just a question do you believe in God?
Yep it's difficult for ADHD folk to pick up on manipulation too. Hang in there folks!!
"Observe the emotions but don't absorb them!" 👌🏼That's genious!
Thank you for this video!
It's so funny everytime I realize a 'normal' behaviour of mine is again another autistic trait. I thought I've become some kind of an expert on autistic traits by now, because it kinda became a special interest for me to research autism traits.😋
But this one was new to me. When someone speaks to me, often I relate and share a similar experience I had. But I've learned that some people didn't like that so I try to not do it that often. But I can't help it...I just HAVE to share my experience. 😅 Right now I'm working on 'minimizing' my storys...I often share everything from A to Z and it ends up with a monologue.
Being autistic and knowing about it is kinda hard...
Anyway....originally I was planning on just thanking you for this video, and now I realized I rambled on again...it's a never ending story 😂
If you always talk about yourself when someone has shared something painful, you are hearing but not listening. It's their story with their details. They may not have the capacity to help you process your feelings at that time. Classically: "My father just died" "I know how you feel, my dog died last year". The correct answer to my "dad just died" is "I'm so sorry" or "my condolences". The next thing you say will depend on what relationship you have to them. If you knew the dad you might ask if they are planning a service (so you can attend). If it was a tragedy a comment like "that is so sad" or "how are you doing with it?". There are etiquette books that are extremely helpful on dealing with deaths. If someone is all worked up about something, when they have let off steam about it, you might ask if they have thought about what they might do about it.
@@mgd6087 I don’t know what to say when someone has that experience. I didn’t know what to say when my dad died, we were close but I didn’t feel much either.
@@honved1 I am sorry for your loss, no matter how long it's been. For you the words "We were close." would be fine. If it's true, you might say "I' glad I had a good dad". "I will miss him." "I'm not sad that he's gone, but I would have enjoyed him getting to live longer." "I'm relieved he didn't have to suffer longer because he was in a lot of pain at the end". "I'm glad he left me with a lot of good memories". "He taught me a lot of good things". Something like those sentences would be ok. If others say: "I'm sorry for your loss." just say thank you." If they ask you something about your dad that you are not comfortable talking about just say: "I'm not comfortable talking about it." If you do want to say more about him: "let me tell you about how (funny, smart, kind, inventive, favorite sports, loved to cook, garden ...) he was. Today I paid a condolence visit to a friend who lost her most steady relationship yesterday (the dog died). She needed someone to listen to her with understanding. She told me 4 times how her dog died. She will probably tell it to me somemore times because of how shocked she was at the suddenness of it. As I listened to the repetitions, other parts of the story came out and each one of those pieces was important to her. I just kept listening until she announced that she was exhausted and wanted to sleep. So I said ok. I'll go now. I took my cues from her. (The first time she had said she was tired and then she kept on talking so I just stayed and listened.) Nobody is great at handling the news of a significant death whether they are the one grieving or the one supporting the bereaved. There are advice and ettiquette books that will help you have more confidence in those situations.
Great video. If you feel like it I would 1000% appreciate if you could go more in depth about memory being associative instead of linear! Thanks.
Yes! I would love to learn more about associative vs. linear memory as well. I've analyzed/thought about this subject in my personal life a lot.
You don't know how unbelievably helpful and clarifying this video has been for me. Thank you so much for talking about it.
Thank you for talking about this subject, Sam. It's important to recognise this type of behaviour so that we can say 'no' to it and walk away and mitigate the damage.
I had to start over and start taking notes. 3 pages of them. I know a lot of this stuff but it feels so good to hear somebody else validate it. Well, maybe not that great because it means..... well... no trauma dumping ✔
Oooof that bullseye ring. I used to think anyone who was remotely nice to me/talking to me at all was "my friend".
I had this same feeling when I first saw the diagram
That's funny, I still always assume that I'm not close with people, even after they claim to be friends. I just don't see how I matter to them unless there's a consistent set of actions on their side
"don't fix other people", has been important!
My circle of friends grows and new friends get excited when they're told by whomever introduced them that I can do things (hyperfocus benefit) they start imagining all the things in their lives I could help with (from their memory to their fence panels)!
I used to get drawn in and spend my life helping others with little to no reward, now I explain that, "everyone says that", when they ask if I would fix them or their environment and it seems to be the polite way of saying, "no". No friendship points are lost...
Thank you for a very helpful & incredibly important video on the aspects of manipulation. Boundaries are so important, it's the learning of when, where, what and the how that's a slippery slide into confusion.
"It may seem that setting boundaries will keep you isolated from people". That perception is often a main cause why people stay stuck in self doubt and toxic relationships. Nail on the head.
I'll just share an anecdote of manipulation meets bluntness:
Finance director: Don't you trust me?
Me: No.
I love the part in the video about how autistic behaviors can be misinterpreted as manipulative. I’m guessing this sometimes can apply to non-autistic people as well. It can all get very confusing. I have felt a lot of guilt lately, because I’m realizing some behaviors I interpreted as being manipulative MIGHT have been due to neurodivergent traits such as alexythemia. It’s such a hard balance… protecting ourselves from abuse and boundary intrusions but also having compassion for other people. I usually fail horribly at this balance… either being too mean to protect myself or being a doormat because of hyperempathy. 😩
Same here it's rough not knowing I just say to myself if it feels like abuse it probably is . No matter if the person means to or not. And then decide if I wanna stay and try to set boundaries or leave
Or maybe you're just manipulative and use autism as an excuse. I'm not being agressive, I'm saying this as advice.
Night+ an listen8ngbtpnthhis
Thank you for saying something about narcissism. I have taken note how trendy it is to use that word and it’s always made feel uncomfortable and uneasy that it is a buzzword.
Really lovely to see you pop up in my feed today. Hope you’re doing ok. A brilliant video, well explained. Thank you for taking the time to write this and post 😘
Omgosh new video!! Hi!! I hope you're doing well!
"Stop being so sensitive!" "Are you crying AGAIN?" "You don't want that." "It's not THAT bad." "You're not really tired/sick/upset." "Oh, ignore her, she just wants attention." "I don't remember it that way." Well, that was me growing up.
That was my first marriage too
Me too
This is quite possibly the most difficult subject to tackle and you did it well, very well! Thank you.
It's sad to know there are people out there that manipulate and abuse others and that we as neurodivergent people are more likely to fall victim to them. Thankfully it's also good to know we're not alone in this and we can heal and learn and grow.
Heavy topic, but this actually made me chuckle in realization of how my ADHD confusion has probably been misinterpreted in the past. Thanks for a great video!
Thank you so much for this! I've been struggling with this topic for a couple of weeks now and it really shed some light on certain relationships. Great and clear info as always!
Edit:
Good for you to set boundaries around trauma dumping. I sometimes do that but unintentionally, and as a person with traumatic experiences it made the comment section a lot easier to read. Also, I think the discussion becomes more constructive and focused.
It is your channel and you have all the right to define your boundaries around it!
Super relatable! For years I'm listening this question by therapists, coaches, doctors :Why your boundaries are so smooth and weak? - thank you for answering them in a such good way!
Oh, I DEFINITELY can hear the electricity. Haven't ever heard someone else mention it. Glad you did!
THANK YOU for the Narc mark.
Am not a narcissist, but love one.
Everyone deserves SOMETHING GOOD.
❤
Absolutely excellent! I was worried for the 1st half that I have been accused of some of these 'manipulative' behaviours totally wrongly & completely misunderstood, by someone with no patience & little empathy ... but then the 2nd half explained how autistic people are often misinterpreted by neurotypicals in a society where manipulation is endemic (advertising, politics etc.) I never intend to manipulate. I am straightforward to a fault! But I can come across wrongly when people assume subterfuge or hidden motives or misinterpret my facial expressions (which bear no resemblance to my feelings apparently.)
You are brilliant & most helpful, but the deluge of info, the speed & intensity are overwhelming to me & I couldn't take it all in at once. So I'm going to re-listen to a slowed-down repeat of this, allowing myself pauses for thought & to absorb & consider it all.
Thanks again. This is wonderful. :)
Beautifully explained.
Definitely been there (both manipulating - consciously or not - and being manipulated, mostly the latter, though). Good to know that I've already been improving my protective strategies since I've discovered I'm very likely on the spectrum.
Boundaries are probably the most powerful "tools" we have to deal with others, indeed.
As someone who's on the mild end of the Spectrum ( Asperger's ), I've been manipulated myself a few times. The worst was a 7 year friendship with a chap whom I only fully realized in the 6 years since I got out of there only befriended me out of pity cos he seemed convinced that the majority of people were out to give me grief cos I was different hence him trying to give me trust issues. I mean yes, I have gotten grief but not on the scale that he claims & nothing compared to the grief he generally gave me. And what's really sad is that, as someone who was also in the same year as me at Primary School, he just couldn't accept that I had changed & grown more confident ( socially in particular, he'd often get suspicious if I wasn't talking much lol seriously ) over the past 20 years.
Thank you for this video. I have personal experience with being in a manipulative relationship, but I particularly found value in the topic of gaslighting in terms of being autistic and growing up. I've never really thought of it like that, but it was very recognizable. I've been told a lot that I'm lazy and don't have any discipline or willpower. I was probably just constantly overwhelmed and shutting down...
That’s a great and complex topic to talk about.
I think over the years I found my way for dealing with manipulation that helps me not to involve emotionally and not to follow. I just ask myself several questions:
1)Is it my need or their need?
2)Do I want to help?
3)Do I know how to help?
4) What it will cost me in terms of money, time, emotions?
5)Am I ready to pay that much and lose it, if something goes wrong?
After that I have two possible ways of reacting: 1)decline to help and feel myself justified, cause I can tell exactly why. 2) Agree to help and take it as charity, remembering that what I gave away will never come back. (If it won’t - no regrets, if it will - positive surprise).
That method saves me a lot of cognitive function and now works almost automatically :)
Nice to see you again, Sam! You look great. Thanks for this video. You've given me a lot to think about. I can identify some times in the past when I was manipulated and I can see how my behaviour sometimes seems manipulating to others.
I have been struggling with this very subject for weeks. Thank you, Sam. I appreciate your great work!
This is why I choose to be alone and assume everyone (NTs specifically) is horrible, because abuse and manipulation towards us is so common. It's actually a nice weight lifted off me to just go about my day with minimal socializing and I can be blunt or "mean" and not care.
My safety over their feelings.
Alot of what you covered I learned from the Army in my line of work. LOTS of cross referencing of previous information and outside examples, really does help. It's hard, and it only works if you're vigilant, but you can spot it in time with some training.
Thank you zalseon for your work!
@@jamarawilliams5819 no prob! just remember the key to manipulation avoidance is staying on topic. Manipulators regularly shift topics mid convo and toss in as much junk information as they can so you're confused and or distracted enough that they can get what they want out of ya.
I am endlessly recalling anecdotes of my similar situations and I never used to realize people would take it as trying to "one up" them... I was just trying to relate and keep the conversation going...
How do they react when you tell your story? Do they engage or do they disengage? Intentions and what is inferred often conflict. It's certainly possible they are receptive to your anecdote but it can also be seen as one-upmanship. It's hard in American society where politeness is the societal standard that it's hard to find out the truth. I've heard other cultures are "ruder" but at least people are free to speak their mind/feelings.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766 most people will be ok with it luckily, but I have had a few visibly mad at me and start to push me out of the conversation. I have been able to offset more often with compliments on theirs (which I thought their story was awesome but I just didn't say it)
@@PeterDragonPPG yes, because sometimes it can seem like you were just waiting to speak instead of actually listening.
@@sallyjrwjrw6766 naa, I stopped waiting to speak a long time ago, I now have to hold myself back from interrupting people; I now know how to keep conversations going and stay engaged, and I also know when other people have lost interest for any of their own reasons. I always listen, but very often I have people accuse me of not listening
Welcome back Sam! Great video. I recognised so much of myself and my experience in this. Being easily manipulated and taken advantage of wasn’t something I recognised in myself until I had my autism assessment (at the age of 37) -something my mum wrote in the paperwork caught my assessors eye and we did a lot of discussion around that, and it was only then by looking at it through that lens that I realised I have countless examples throughout my life from childhood where I have been manipulated and taken advantage of by so called friends. It’s something I am much more mindful of now and try to take steps to protect myself from it. Looking forward to your next video!
Wish I could like this video 10x times. Relate on both ends. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Yep, we do relate everything to ourselves. Sometimes it's better to just ask questions and let the other person talk.
I went through this hellish rollercoaster of self-doubt and paranoia recently, because 2020 wasn't hard enough. I have a fascination for psychology and I started to get interested in narcissism and trauma. It was horrible to read it about it, and to recognize (in that black or white-way) those traits in my own behavior. Felt horrible depression, guilt and confusion for over a year. It was also confusing to realize the many times, that I've been abused and manipulated in the past by self-centered, wounded people. Thank you for the video, it feels like I'm not alone and going crazy with thoughts like these.
How's it going so far? I've been dealing with this for the last four months.
I had never really thought about this, but it was really eye-opening listening to you go through manipulative behaviours that actually reads like a laundry list of all the things that an autistic person may or will do but _not_ out of trying to manipulate people.
Thank you for this profoundly insightful video. Before watching, I had thought I already knew a lot on this topic, and you independently affirmed all of that, and also taught me more that I was not aware of. Superbly insightful! Props & much respect and admiration to you.
You have described things a real friend can do, that I point out a time you remembered wrong, doesn't mean I'm gaslighting you, in 100% of the cases, it means human nature and bad memory means one of us is remembering something wrong.
Your target audience is people who can have a nervous disposition and you just spend 30 minutes scaring the crap out of anyone who was otherwise able to have some social interactions.
Coming in with a banger of a video!
It is a heavy video but i adore it, and will be rewatching. My therapist actually helped me learn boundaries as well, and he covered a lot of what you're saying here. But this video is so concise and easy to understand, and of course centers autistic people and I am here for it!
This is such a great resource. Thanl you so much :)
This is incredible….. particularly the part on how autistic people’s behaviour may be misconstrued as being manipulative.
Thank you, this is your best video yet. I have only just realised how many times I have been manipulated in the past and now I am starting to identify when it is happening. This video really helps. Thank you.
I'm in my 50s & self-diagnosed. Your videos & a few from others have helped me understand why I do things and/or react to things in a certain way. Thank you for what you do.
thank you so much for this video. i love how you broke it all down from the term into how it makes you feel and how it can be used. we all manipulate and i'm glad that you pointed that out. same with how people struggling with mental illness are often shamed and blamed which doesn't help them or anybody feeling victimized. i learned a lot and things i'd been reading have been validated as well. thank you again. this video really helped me relate my experience to others and understand it better. life is so nuanced! thank you again for being so specific and addressing the spectrum. and yes, yes I can hear the electricity LOL
One year since you posted this (and therefore theoretically 2 years since you started trying to write a script for it), I've come to say - I appreciate your emotional labour!
(and physical, intellectual etc obviously)
Thank you so much for talking about this. As an autistic survivor of abuse, I've realized how important it is for other autistic people to be able to recognize and properly respond to manipulation - the earlier, the better. I'm glad others are also spreading awareness and providing help. Like you said, it's a heavy topic, with lots of information to process.... Stimming, anyone?
Fantastic video on manipulation, abuse/trauma, how to recognize it, how to detect it, how to cope, and differentiating common misconceptions in autistic behavior. Great work well done. This quality video is jammed packed full of helpful information.
Great information, not just for those of us who are autistic but for everyone! Interesting how all the manipulation tactics so perfectly describe the last few years.
Thank you for this wonderful, informative video! I learned so much about why certain patterns and relationship dynamics have repeated themselves many times in my life. I'm so glad you're back to making videos! Congrats on your new little one, too. 😁💖
Glad it was helpful!
Welcome back 😁you're back with a bang!!! Thank you so much. Beautifully presented and really valuable information - Alison Smorfitt
After being out of an abuse friendship that lasted 3 years, it's crazy to see how all of these things were being done to me, all the time. They used their depression as guilt tripping and used my want for being a better friend to call me a bad friend/bad person whenever I tried to remove myself from the situation. I knew something was wrong, but was afraid to leave, since threats of SH were usually their go-to.
I'm finally free of them and never been happier.
To anyone out there dealing with a manipulator. Be careful and have the courage to leave. It will get better.
Yayyyyyy love when you upload!!!!
I am so glad to have watched your video. I’m a neurotypical with two autistic daughters. Being able to identify my ‘manipulative’ parenting skill has been very difficult to process. I’m guilty in causing them emotional harm and they developed anxiety and depression.( now age 20 and 17). I just wish I have understood and known about their conditions earlier ( older one received formal diagnosis at 16, the youngest is not formally diagnosed yet).
I hope in everyday life there is to come, I can make up to them and help to build their self-esteem up to live a fulfilling life where they can make good choices.
I have dealt with this most of my life, I didn’t really know how to deal with it so I found it easier to be a loaner and keep everyone at arms length and still do.
thank you, your explanation of how autistic people contribute to conversation by offering an example of when something similar happened to them- was eyeopening, this is something I do but couldn't quite work out why or why others responded oddly to it. I did think of it as contributing - but never saw it might be read as trying to turn the conversation to myself. and also for the language to frame manipulation with. much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing what you know about this topic! It’s very complex, but you made it fairly easy to understand. I never thought of alexithymia possibly resulting from being told that you are “too sensitive” or “overreacting” when expressing yourself. I have been told that I am “too sensitive” over and over, and it’s caused me to put my needs beneath everyone else’s. Also, thank you for sharing “trauma dumping.” I noticed people doing this (myself included) and I didn’t know what it was, but often thought it inappropriate. I have learned to ask people if they are emotionally available to listen. I’ll be rewatching this a few times to make sure I caught everything because I think it will help with my current situation!
I am lucky I don’t have anyone close to me that’s overly like this. I do have to set my boundaries better though. The worst example in my life is the vice principle at my kids school. 😬 Soooo much of this applies to the way she does things. But fortunately, we don’t have to deal with her very often, and I’ll bring my husband along just to make sure things go better.
I’m also glad you covered the autistic side of things, because I have noticed a LOT of what autism involves can come across that way and I always feel so worried people will think I’m doing things to be manipulative, and it’s really not, it’s just something I actually need vs trying to advance myself at the cost of someone else. To me that’s where the difference comes in.
Honestly I kind of agree when people say and use the word "narcissist" or brand them as "toxic" simply because they do something that somebody does/doesn't want them to do. And what if they even are that way I would honestly say it would lean more towards emotional immaturity than a would-be narcissism. Emotional immaturity is far more prevalent and changeable than narcissism is in a clinical diagnosis that is an actual mental diagnosis and not just a cultural shaming word
Oh wow, thank you for helping me reframe many of my traits that I've felt deep shame around. I'm ND and likely ASC.
I've never tried to manipulate anyone but have been accused of it, and when looking into types of manipulation I started to self-label as manipulative.
When experiencing extremely harmful manipulation and recognising it I felt unable to speak up because of that self-label.
Even setting boundaries since has been deeply discomforting, because I saw them as myself being manipulative again.
This video has been eye-opening.
This was super helpful! A video on autistic long term memory would also be incredibly interesting if you're interested in making that in the future!
PS. Your videos were one of the resources that helped me realize I might be autistic. Thanks for that as well!!
What a great video! So useful. Your new graphics are also awesome.
thank you for this video, i have a really hard time with not knowing how much to share, assume people have good intentions. The gaslighting thing is huge too. "your too sensitive" is something I heard all the time. I now realize the family members telling me that are the manipulators. They still make fun of me about my punctuality though ( I will be an hour early so I am not late) they do not understand the level of anxiety that I experience about letting others down. I really appreciate your content.
This video couldn't have come at a better time. Thanks Sam 👍
Awesome 🙏🏽✨❤️ I think people are easily manipulated when we doubt our selves, a doubt which is often the result of trauma, whether that trauma comes from our own unique sensitivities or from abusers or both.
Some of us were taught (and believed) we had to try try try, try harder, try again, you’re weak but you can get strong! Just try!! Harder!!! Meanwhile the manipulators watch those efforts while drinking tea and laughing. It teaches you to be OK with being labeled a villain or a reject, which turns out is itself a manipulation, until eventually you cannot be bothered to give a good GD what other people think.
I love this video and it's nuance, and loved that it started with a request for folks not to trauma dump in the comments or pathologize people with cluster b personality disorder Dxs!
Unfortunately I never know when I’m being taken advantage of so I get people doing it all the time. My family tells me when people are so I at least have that to help keep me safe.
I always think I’m being manipulated but I go along with it most of the time because I don’t want to lose out on relationships and normalcy. I’ve also been told that I’m very controlling but it never makes sense to me because it’s always when I’m being manipulated. Aarrrggghhh! Life is so hard to understand!
I was told I was being controlling when I set and communicated reasonable boundaries to someone who lacked personal boundaries. It has taken me a long time to finally start to see relationships as they really are and recognize the red flags.
@@elizabethcarroll2360 I think everyone has a different view of what manipulation is.
As a bloke I was always told to tell a female how things make "me feel" so that they would understand the full extent of what I mean. Example: When you do this... or when this happens it make me feel "XYZ". Nowadays some people say that that is emotional manipulation! How confusing!!!
Thanks, Sam, so nice to have you back. Sending love.
Thanks so much for making this video. I am autistic and someone who has struggled a lot with manipulative people and some of these techniques used by people without the intent of manipulation. (Which is for someone who struggles socially anyway is a very fine distinction to make but an important one!) This video was great at explaining it and shining a light on so much that I've dealt with in my life. I wish I could have seen this a long time ago but I am super grateful for having found it now! Thanks for also sharing tips on how to set boundaries and have these conversations. I am definitely going to work on this for myself. 👏✊
Samdy Sam, Thank you for making this video. I have experienced emotional manipulation in the past and wish I had this video to help me sooner. I really appreciate your kind and patient tone.
A super important video, thank you Sam
I relate so much to the unintentional gaslighting, I've internalized it so deeply I'm constantly questioning the legitimacy of my autistic experiences
This is a timely video! I’ve been a fan of your content for almost a year now, and I just got out of an abusive relationship that lasted a couple months. I’ve been doing a lot of research about ADHD, autism, and how they relate to people with personality disorders or people who are often referred to as “toxic”, and what that should mean. It clearly gets thrown around a lot, but good, qualified research helps to make some meaningful distinctions between people who can be jerks sometimes with people who have serious and often untreatable problems. Many Cluster B personalities will be intentionally malevolent. As your video shows, it’s important to know the difference between this kind of untreatable malevolence and someone who is, say, neurodivergent.
Love your words RE toxic people and personality disorder. I love Sam Vaknin's current theory that actually all personality disorders are an outcome of severe PTSD/CPTSD
Good to see you again..! Great video!