Great insight about the narcissist mom who wants a certain child. My mother was dark and short and wanted a tall blue-eyed son. She constantly reminded me that I was supposed to be William Carl. She constantly reminded me how much I disappointed her, blaming me for our family being poor. Through tons of therapy as an adult, I climbed out of the self-image she tried to create for me. I was also a Pollyanna for years, and like Vivian, I would try to rationalize destructive relationships with men. The advice of not drinking when you're in a vulnerable space is spot on. Boundaries are the key. Stick to them and you will heal from your trauma. I am so proud of the progress I've made in creating a healthy life for myself. I only let in people who are emotionally reliable and only to the extent that I can relate to them in a healthy way. Baby steps. I am learning that having tough love to resist those unhealthy relationships is what is now giving me the peace, love and joy that comes from loving yourself. Tough love is your best friend. Thank you again, Anna. I'm recovering from C-PTSD and continue to be amazed at how good it feels to find my true self.
My mother and her family have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pale skin. They are not tall though, with the exception of my uncle. My grandfather chose my grandmother (who was not an aristocrat) specifically because she was very tall (about 15 cm taller than him) and all her brothers and cousins and uncles were over 180 cm tall... I am tall (over 20 cm taller than my mother as an adult) but I have brown hair, brown eyes, and my skin is not that pale. Irish genes, from my father's side of the family. My mother claimed I was a changeling, that I must be Jewish, or Gipsy, or that my father must have been Jewish or Gipsy... I was bullied at school because I didn't look at all like my family (my father left my mother after 4 months), people used to wonder whether I'd been adopted. I still feel inferior to people with blonde hair and blue eyes. It's quite difficult as people will usually try to use me for sex, then will reject me when they find they are not likely to ever succeed. I am too damaged to be able to have a relationship (even less raise children) and I am now living with cancer so I have a limited life expectancy and I don't want to waste the little time I have left.
I always thought or at least felt that I was the only one with a mother like this..and that nobody understud how bad it was..I just recently startet to digg in to this mess and now I have a word for what my mom was and a understanding about cptsd. This has effected my hole life, and also my son, It feels far away to be able to forgive..but hopfully Il find the key to that along the path of healing this opend wound. Thank u so much for this channal and comments...🙏bless
I’m 57 years old. I was removed from my family home at 5 years old because of physical abuse. I was forced to sleep on the porch with 2 dogs during extremely cold New Zealand winters. I was sent to live with my grandmother. The same woman who had abused my father and taught him how to “discipline” a child. I have 8 brothers and sisters, scattered all over NZ and Australia. I have only ever met 2 of them. My mother abandoned us also. Recently, my mother got very I’ll and passed away. I received a text message from my sister saying “we no longer have a mum”. I replied “I never did!” She couldn’t believe I would say such a thing but I had only met my mum twice in my life! I felt nothing. Recently, I was diagnosed with severe adult ADHD, CPTSD, Tourette’s syndrome and several other disorders. I have an 11 year old son. If not for him, I wouldn’t be on this planet anymore. I spend most of my time in my studio making crap music, it’s the only thing that quiets my mind and brings me joy. I never knew all these things that happened to me had affected me and my life so much until recently and now I have no idea what to do next. I have had many unhealthy relationships over the years and have never been married. I have a wonderful woman in my life now but every day I think she could do so much better. Spending another 20 or 30 years on this planet is not a great thought for me right now. I don’t actually expect anyone to read this…it’s just that it’s 2am here and I don’t really sleep. It actually feels better to just write this…
Thanks for sharing! Look into healing the nervous system. Irene Lyon is one good source. It's not a quick fix but it can heal the physical things as well as the Tourette. She has a lot of videos here on RUclips and some free resources to try out first. All the best to your healing journey!
officialWWM, we hear you, and we're here with you. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully some day you will be able to be the person you think your wonderful woman deserves so that you can be truly happy with her and with yourself. Don't give up! Healing is possible.
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy, I've never written a single comment on YT & this will be the only one I'll ever post. I need to thank you for helping all of us recover from our trauma ridden pasts. Your communication skills are off the charts commendable. Thank you for your knowledge & kindness 🙏
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy 🧚🙏🏻 I’ve been binge watching your videos these last 3 days and I take the time to write this comment to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all that you share with us all here 🤍 I’ve learnt more in 3 days about relationships while healing from CPTSD, than in 5 years of therapy, trauma work and somatic healing. So thank you. A hug from France 🇫🇷 And for anyone reading this comment…may you be well, may you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be reborn from the ashes of your dark past to finally shine your light 🌟 You deserve it.
I always think it's lovely how people like yourself upload so much content, because people that make shorts probably make as much as someone that makes a two hour video. But you've really put the work in. It's like your audience have their own therpaist and im certain youve saved lives by your uploads. Wishing you all the best and thank you for your work.
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12 years old and I am now 52. I was diagnosed having BPD but I don’t feel that fits me as well as CPTSD. I did not know that CPTSD even existed until I stumbled across your channel. I am watching videos almost daily and I feel like the things you are teaching and talking about are what I have needed all my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. People like you save lives. I feel that you are saving mine. Much love and appreciation. ❤
Limerence has ruined my life lol with false promises and hopes; victim of future thinking with plenty red flags; and living in a complete fantasy world. There has to be light at the end of this road at 49 years old. This can’t be it lol
Sometimes listening to your videos bring back a tidal wave of "forgotten" memories. My mom told me daily how ugly I was, and her focus for some reason was my nose. Always telling me, "You got a big nose". It leaves me dumbfounded how awful parents are to their children.
I have the same mother, she used to insult my nose all the time, i remember when i a was a teenager, she siad things like your nose looks like an ugly potato or a 🍆 (the fruit), or some animals. She used to say, who is gonna marry you, you're so ugly. When my (ex) husband and i decided to marry, she said he isn't with you for you cause you're too ugly, maybe he wants something else. It's been a long road to finally love myslef but everyday I'm doing better. We are beautiful and unique 🥀🥀
Wow. I even had a nose job to make it smaller. None of the family said it looked nice. Nothing. Now I have a beautiful grand daughter with my old nose and she's stunning. Gorgeous. Now I understand that may nose was actually very unique and lovely and they were jealous. Sick family.
Experiencing abuse with siblings doesnt necessarily make the pain of being abused easier to bear. I have difficulties in my relationships with my brothers BECAUSE of how we were all abused. So while it is nice to think you have some kind of "battle buddies," at times, the pain was and is also compounded. It shows up in how dysfunctional we are (and have always been) with each other.
I agree. When my little brother and I finally got out of the abuse, we were really nasty towards one another and didn’t have a good relationship. A lot of it was because I was put in an adult position to watch over him/take care of him. As I’ve gotten older, I’m much less resentful of my little brother. It wasn’t his fault that I didn’t get a normal childhood, and I’m glad that I did keep him safe through the horrible stuff. Abuse can totally warp normal sibling relationships, good or bad.
Dear lord. I’ve been listening to this all night while doing laundry and I swear that someone (a friend who’s been trying to make things into something more) just DMed me yet another uncomfortable message. And I’m so tapped into my core feelings right now that I finally sent a well worded and respectful message about how uncomfortable it’s made me and put up a very big boundary with him. I don’t think I would’ve done that had I not been listening to this and so tapped into my feelings! So huge thank yous for literally helping me in real time and for helping me not continue to swallow my discomfort and to accidentally lead this person on just because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. My feels are equally valid, what a concept. THANK YOU!!!!
Im almost 32, married with 4 kids and I just realized not too long ago that my whole life I have just been trying to feel loved. I grew up with both parents and still never felt loved by my dad and i never felt he loved my mom. All my self sabotaging had come down to that. Past terrible relationships and the drinking. To this day, i have to get constant reassurance from my husband that he loves . I know he does but i need to hear it almost daily.
I thought People who had been through real trauma, won't able to get married (not able to form a real relationship). _ based on my real life experience right in front of my eyes.
It’s ok to want to hear that he loves you. It’s more important that you work on loving you; all of you. It’s really healthy to find yourself in your own creativity, interests, self care, and diving into who you are outside of your children and husband. We as mothers give so much and get lost in the chaos in child rearing. Give all you can but make Date for yourself with really good friends. Make time for your interests. This will give you something to look forward to other than the home affairs. When you begin to look at all you are able to accomplish, it is easier to realize that those who show you they love you, actually do. You won’t need to be reminded every day bc you’ll be busy doing you. We are separate people regardless how much love is in the marriage. Hope you understand my message
In the black community (I am black) there is a judgement based on the size of your nose. People with smaller non “black” noses are considered beautiful. I know this because my own grandmother told me “we- meaning me, her and my dad- don’t have wide noses like most black people. My jaw dropped! I can’t stand stuff like that, no one can help what features they are born with!
So true! My female relatives… aunts and cousins LOVE mixed people and praise their beauty more than my younger fully black cousins. They are obsessed with hair texture , small noses, light eyes and light skin. Self hate is REAL!
This is so sick, I have different heritage but my aunt and my grandmother used to tell me I shouldnt expose myself to the sun because if I get to tanned no man will want me. My nose was too long, my legs to thick, my face to skinny😢 And you know what these are in my opinion my best features, now I started loving exactly these things about me. I dance and hit the gym a lot and I love my strong legs. I love my skin no matter tanned or not. And I love how my nose and my face shape show my heritage❤
Love it or hate it you're born with it.. I was born with beautiful hair. People saying but they also thought I was a girl until I could grow a beard. Doesn't help my mother never cut it. Never had it cut and told me she wanted a girl instead.... Yah Like 🎉 k My first gf was black.. only Person when I was teenager that understood me. Lol
It's a deep deep truth that took me into my late 20s to figure out. You have to love yourself before. You can love other people fully or the extent that you love yourself is the amount that you can love. Other people would be another way to say
TY. I've been alone for 9 years, since my husband died. Time to reflect without getting triggered is a worthwhile pursuit, I guess. My childhood consisted of 18 years of misery bordering on insanity. Mom just stood there, propped up by the door frame with her baby finger up her nose, and watched the beatings, the molestations, and the emotional deadening of my fragile mind. Recalling a memory of being taken by ambulance to a hospital for an xray and manual manipulation of my knee cap, the doctor asks me when I broke my leg and all I could say was I didn't know because I hadn't ever had a cast on it. Mom died last December and I feel nothing. She lied to me again and again and betrayed me, again and again. I'm the truth teller in this toxic family so you know how I am treated. I can never trust again.
My life was similarly horrific and I’m so sorry. I know the damage it causes but I have started to find healing at 44! And I believe you can to. Last year I would never have said this because my life is a series of devastation or was. But I’m changing my reality and I think you can too. It is possible to heal.
@@josiep8766 Thank you. I'm sorry you went through it too. I'm just finding peace in being alone, away from my toxic family. After care taking for 60 years I'm burnt out. Take care.
This letter triggered memories of the power play my mother used to get my father to beat me while she would stand watching with a satisfied smirk on her face. I don't know if my mother was mentally ill, a narcissist, or just evil. She rejected me at birth because my face was badly bruised and swollen from the forceps during delivery. She never bonded with me, and she was cold, extremely critical, physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. My father was very authoritarian, and he had uncontrolled anger issues. I walked on eggshells growing up and lived in fear constantly. The beatings became severe once I became a teenager, and each beating was for something I didn't do. I had to leave home after my junior year in high school after the worst beating I had ever received. My mother took me out of school for a week to my Aunt's, until my face healed enough to go back. Then, when the school year ended, I was sent to live with my brother. My sister-n-law was the first person to notice that my nerves were shot, and she took me to a doctor who prescribed me a mild sedative. I was diagnosed with PTSD years later, and I have huge trust issues and severe social anxiety disorder, which affects my relationships. I have never followed through on therapy because I couldn't bring myself to talk about what I had been through.
I'm so sorry you've gone through so much pain and trauma, and I hope that you some day find the strength and fortitude to find a therapist who will be helpful for you. **Offering virtual hugs, if you want them**
The wire monkey story had a different outcome: There were two monkey dolls. One made of wire and a heated, one covered in plush. Scientists wanted to find out, which doll the baby would prefer. It turned out, that the baby went to the wire doll to drink milk, but spent the rest of the time perched on the soft, comfortable, warm plush doll, cuddling and sleeping and practising to climb and jump. This proved, that babies need physical contact and warmth to a far greater extent than previously assumed. It revolutionised the way orphans were treated and overall how children were raised in the western world: Based on those monkey experiments (conducted in 1965 by Harry Harlow) scientists explained to governments, that it's not enough to house and feed children. They need a social mother figure, that hugs them and plays with them etc. 19th century (often British) manuals had warned parents to not spoil their children by giving them attention, praising them or touching them lovingly. The monkey experiments broke this false idea of being distant and unavailable as a good parenting strategy. Along with surgery on immobilised babies, who hadn't been given anaesthesia (!), because it was thought that babies couldn't feel pain (!!), the distant style of education, that was strongly promoted in the 19th century is nowadays seen as the main reason for the surge of sociopathy between the Industrial Revolution era and the fall of communism. People like Dahmer may have been subjected to being cut up without pain relief as infants (this was practiced from the 1940s-70s) or raised according to the principle of not engaging too much with children.
Sarno is good, I had backpain so bad I was hospitalized for months unable to even sit up, I had to lie on my stomach and be helped to use a bedpan and bathe it was truly awful and the doctors were throwing words around like arthritis of the spine and spinal stenosis, I clenched my jaw so much my dentist said I had the wear of someone 40 years older than myself, and had frequent horrid headaches. having removed negative people from my life incorporating meditation, and the daily practise into my life and doing emdr therapy as well as watching all the crappy childhood fairy videos, I'm no longer in pain 24/7, no headaches, minimal back pain. I'm off all pain meds, I no longer need to use my walker. My posture was always in a protective fight or flight, fetal position - making myself small and tight. Discs slipping and crippling me for months at a time. It really was mental stuff causing physical pain I highly recommend the book the body keeps the score
I can so relate to the posture thing - I feel like I have always scrunched myself up to make myself small and to protect myself. Since I've made a conscious effort over the last month to stand tall and proud, it has made such a big difference. I notice now that my posture is worse when I feel down. I have back issues due to two separate injuries but better posture feels like I'm setting myself up to do better 💜 I don't think it's coincidence that my posture has improved since I have been facing up to my past trauma, and actively working on healing. I bought that book a few weeks ago! Have yet to start reading it but your comment has prompted me, so thank you 😊
The best video ever! I feel like a newborn. Omg Anna, believe me when I say: You have just healed all my wounds, all my childhood traumas, answered all my questions. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you. Greetings from Istanbul, Turkey 🙏🏼🌺
I am so grateful for crappy childhood fairy. I have started the journey with the techniques and I have started to feel hope for change after decades of crumby relationships. These videos are saving my life as I started to drink heavily stopped caring for myself. I have not been seen by others and I stopped even thinking of myself as human. I wish everyone here love peace and joy.
2:07:34 James’ letter: a terse letter, from a man, FINALLY I’ve heard ‘a brother’ here. I bet more men suffer with limerence but are too afraid to write you, Anna. I also like to keep my thoughts concise and organized. I would save the details for more one/one talk therapy. 2:59:22 Lonely: i’ve been living alone since July 2015, experienced a few very low times, life below the poverty line, two arthritic hips that needed replaced, and finally a near fatal car accident 10 months ago. I was brought to an inflection point in my life and started my self-care, healing journey last winter. My Limerence habit came during my recovery from the accident, and boy did it blossom. Luckily, for me, the person being far away, but very empathetic and understanding, actually helped me come to the point where I am now ready for more personal work and healing my inner child. I do want to take your courses and probably reach out for talk therapy but I would like to know if I could get you yourself Anna to talk with. I’m convinced you understand what I’ve been through most of my adult life.
You laugh about the "nose" issue but let me tell you, growing up with a big nose is hell. I'm not kidding. My mom teased me about my nose, my brother called me "the nose". My sister also teased me. My freak'n grandmother teased me. I was constantly told I was ugly. I was also tall and dark and that was ugly in my culture. I was an ugly duckling that grew up to be a beautiful woman but the nose comments still popped up every so often. Men were attracted to me to the point that it could be scary. I was told I was beautiful and even modeled. The problem was I never saw myself as anything more than "the nose". I look at my photos from my teen years up and I wonder why I couldn't see I was pretty. Too many years of being teased and told I was ugly I guess. Now I'm in my 60's and the caregiver for my mother that abused me mentally. It's really hard to not be petty to her like she was to me. I've had 5 different cancers in 15 years. Surgeries, chemo, radiation, on and on. I'm terribly disfigured from all of it. I don't like photos taken of me. I want to cry. I can't believe that's actually me. I have to remind myself that I lost my beauty but I'm still alive. I have a husband who is wonderful to my mother. I have my sons and a new grand baby. Weird thing, I inherited a photo of my great grandmother. She was quite elderly in the photo and not a pretty woman. She was born in the 1880's in the SW of the US. Her dad sold her for a saddle and some sheep. Seriously. I told my son that when he saw the photo and he said "I think her dad got a good deal". I have seen that photo my whole life but I've heard so many wonderful things about my great grandmother that I never thought of her as ugly. She had a bunch of kids and there's a child named after her in every family and generation since. Guess what! She had a big nose too. haha
My mother called me “belly the kid” because I had a pudge in my middle during the 70s when females were expected to have flat bellies. I have struggled with self image ever since. I’m in my 50s now with almost perfect facial features and almost zero wrinkles and I am in phenomenal health for a woman my age. Yet I still struggle with a huge meno-belly (panos ) that I’m considering having surgically removed so my clothes will fit. I’ve tried every reasonable diet and program to remove the belly for long periods of massive awe inspiring discipline only to yield 0 results. I really think somehow it’s all related to that stupid nickname 😭😤
You sound like a wonderful person, taking care of your mother, after the way she treated you. I hope you are able to forgive her, for both your sake. Did you know that our noses never stop growing? 😅 My husband & I both, are from families with big noses & our kids have them too😂. There’s more to us than our noses! Keep being the wonderful person that you are! I’m sorry that you have suffered so much in your life, perhaps those who know you are learning from you, how to be a good person! God Bless you!
Limerence is so awful, I’ve been in many “relationships” with people that I’ve never even touched. It’s all fantasy. Most involve people that have shown even a little interest in me. Some have hinted that they want to go further, most not. I will never know for sure. I do know somehow that it’s not healthy and I’ve avoided actual human contact with these people. Even strangers can be involved, people I feel a fleeting connection with that’s emotionally triggering for me. I imagine these entire lives with them, but I have no actual idea how they are or what they are doing. Some people that I thought I had some sort of parallel life with have in reality moved on, gotten married, had kids, a couple of them even died and I found out years later…it’s always shocking to me, like how did that happen, as though they know innately but moved ahead with their lives anyway. I’m so glad that there’s a name for it. It helps to recognize it and know what it is and how it works. I agree with what you said about discovering the versions of ourselves that we glimpse during these times…that helps a lot too.
Your teaching fuels my stamina and conviction, and shows me that I'm definitely healing, even while this phantom's still camped in my head. I practice no contact and take comfort that I never did anything to regret. I remind myself daily: he's with his wife and I'm still alone. I'm looking for a new coach (she/he has to accept Medicare; I've got a budget); my previous just retired. I took your dating course and built myself a sort of "dating schedule:" we do real things together, I get real enthusiasm for my company and see good character in his dealings, long before we get sexual. I've met a couple good guys this way; I'm just not feeling any electricity. I want to work with my next coach on the fact that every man I meet - in joined clubs, dating websites, volunteering, and classes - is shadowed by Mr. Incredible. Still, I crave intense passion, even from limerence. I'm channeling it into drawing, painting, and building with stone. That self-satisfied alpha male used my admiration to massage his ego. I'm using him to fuel my work, while preparing for a good guy who's actually available. Thank you for all you do.
Wow that second example is heartbreaking. This channel really helps me understand patients like this second example who become codependently attached to a former partner or platonic friend. I salute Anna for recommending this patient get a job rather than build a business. Psychs & MDs can’t really advise patients this way, but many patients try unsuccessfully to “build a business” in the grips of mental health struggles. In reality, entrepreneurial ventures are hard on even the highest functioning people in top physical & mental health. Another factor is that having a job & supporting herself will motivate her to start the business whereas living cheaply at a friends or parents place doesn’t do that. Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say.
Boy that wire monkey triggered every, compassionate, animal rights button within me. I almost turned it off but the wisdom you’ve conveyed was worth having to listen through. Devastatingly real and hits close to home! Imagine humans need to abuse a tiny animal to understand what a lack of maternal love will do to any living creature! Ugh 🙏 🙊 🙏
Christy, I saw that article and photograph somewhere like LIFE Magazine and I have yet to remove it from my mind after about 40 years. It epitomizes for me the cruelty of some human beings. Thank Heavens for people like you.
@@ginenelafontaine8343 And you as well dear one! I’ve never understood how so few could be so unaware and so unaffected by their treatment of animals in any capacity!
I'm with you🙁 It 's probably unbearable. Thanks for the trigger warning. Just reading your comment is depressing enough in advance, as i assume it to describe the cruelty and insanity of senseless experiments, I'll try to continue.... as disturbing as it is.
I'm 34 and am finally breaking free. My family was dysfunctional and controlling. Whenever I would distance myself, they'd do anything to drag me back. I also had a horrible relationship with someone who only wanted me for validation. I needed this channel. Wish I found it years ago.
This is basically my life and why I've stayed in relationships and situationships too long - projecting my fantasy onto potential partners and overlooking their red flags.
I must say I am not ready for a relationship. When I say that to someone I mean it! The "when someone says they are not ready it means they do not want a relationship with you" "meme" cliche is a blanket statement. People can actually not be seeking a partner in life. It's a real thing and can be healthy.
Thanks for this subject. I often just want to work on a project with another artist without them trying to romanticize or SEXUALIZE the reason for our meeting. I end up feeling leery and get less creative because I don't feel comfortable working with the person.
Ok, I’ve been watching this for several hours now. I have been in many of these situations yr reading to the audience or youtube. Now I’m triggered!! What I want to do is write you a letter to get your take on my situation but I don’t want to revisit it. I try to reframe much of the negative outcomes but there’s an underlying fear that never goes away. Thanks for your insight - Love that you don’t sugar-coat the advise & honest answers.❤
CC Fairy ... Character Integrity Hope ... you got the gift combined with common sense truth ... rare combination ... two thumbs up and a silent prayer invoking God's Blessing upon the broken and hurting ...
It made me laugh when used the 'f' word for friend - It's really true that a multitude of intentions get filed under that category nowadays. :) Thank you for your wisdom and trying to inspire us to be the best version of ourselves...
I had an interaction with a "partner" on Sunday, and it shook reality into me. I had been seeking therapy but was unsuccessful finding someone, but I started seeking out these videos and have totally seen myself and am relieved that I am not alone. I am getting some very good information that is giving me hope.
Wow this resonates with my experiences in so many ways. Though I’ve received many words of advice from therapists and others over the year, my particular filters have prevented me growing as much as I could have. It makes all the difference receiving the tough love from someone who has lived it. Thank you for being real.
I have listened to this lady this week and subscribed. She is enjoying to learn and listen to. She is a very real woman. An inteligent grown up wise woman. . She has raised my standards for women. I had a sister like her that I was able to have good fulfilling conversations with. My sister Suzie past on years ago. I am so glad to be able to hear her talk.
In my humble non-professional opinion, her mother, the malignant narcissist obviously hates herself. Who knows where the self-loathing comes from, but her extreme jealousy of her daughter is the symptom.
i believe in living it out to the fullest. only then can you actually grow out of it and stop repeating the pattern. the heart needs what it needs. it can't be reasoned with. it takes time and it pains but that's the only way. i feel like i healed now. the people and situations from my past don't get to me anymore. now onto other lessons. such as how do i feel fulfilled.
Thank you, Anna. I have healed so much from learning the language and traits of childhood trauma and attachment issues through your channel. Putting myself back together in a healthy way through God’s use of you, your knowledge and most of all, YOUR testimonies. Prayers for your continued strength and success. Much love.💜💜💜
Married for 44 years. Ironically, I have grown because of the constant and regular doubt my wife reveals when we have a challenge. Challenge is what a carpenter faces regularly. There is always a solution for the creative individual. My wife has become an amazing amatuer photographer--- something that reminds me that I am not responsible for her inner happiness. "Truth is context-driven; deceit is agenda-driven; those not interested in accurate information are not interested in truth. " cc. 👀🐇🕳🌿🌾
The only thing I'm struggling to agree with is I believe you can mess it up with the right person because of your reaction to things based on past trauma
Listening to your videos over the past couple weeks, I think I have a lot of non-romantic limerence. I am happily in a ten year marriage and have no desire to step outside of that sexually-even in fantasy. Usually it’s someone popular, influential, or in a place of leadership that I have fantasies that I was able to impress and be good friends with or be mentored by. Sometimes, but not usually, it’s someone famous that I picture myself bumping into somewhere and hitting it off with. And yes, I think it is taking the place of having actual relationships with people. I would like to be able to cut down on the fantasies and have more real friendships.
Omg I literally obsess every day old friends and people I hadn't met at school being my friends. I also do it with well-known American celebrities. I get romantic limerence for men in the workplace, but not as much as I do for friends. Thanks so much for sharing. Now I know I'm not so weird!!
I'm loving your videos. I just wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel your compassion and how deeply you want to help others. This is truly what is so about. ❤
I’m just going through this story with a similar mom too! I made the mistake to get involved me 43 him 24, for 4 months knowing it was just basically hooking up. He just dropped me and ghosted me w no explanation, leaving me nursing my abandonment. Over all my guess he met someone. Either way I am using this lesson to be more intentional next time. Doing my best to self sooth n allowing myself to grief but with limits. Soon when ready will get your knowledge on dating with cpsd. So grateful to have come across this video
'Men' often do that. Ghost, ignore - no explanation. Yes, you need to guard your heart from now on, however, let's not ignore that he IS a coward... and a user.
I'm not sure how much of your story you've shared in the past of how you ended up in a stable relationship. It'd be good to hear your story and what you were going through internally on your journey to making it into a healthy relationship. I went through some serious violence and SA traumas in the past and have ended up single for the last 12 years at no choice of my own. I've made loads of progress over the years and will make it into a relationship one day but it'd be good to hear your journey if you're happy to share.
i'm glad i come across your channel, everything you said describe me exactly, my mom past away before i could walk and my dad was an alcoholic but he didn't leave us kids behind and brought us to the state, growing up was really hard i had no one to talk too i went througth drug and alcohol to cope and when i came out of my 30 years depression i realize my dad was the one that kill my mom and he past away in 2012, i'm 49 now and starting life over again, i really appreciate your video
I found your channel a few days ago. This title caught my eye. I haven't been in a lot of serious relationships only one really in my late teens early twenties but I now know that I brought a lot of baggage from my first love lust experience. I haven't been in a serious or committed relationship since. The last time I thought I found someone who wanted to be in a relationship. I felt like I was making excuses not to be in that relationship and made it hard to stay friends. But when I opened up to her she didn't feel that way and told me it was all in my head. I experienced some physical abuse, violence and for that I blamed myself I was only 15 or 16 at that time. Then my second relationship was more emotional. Now I'm in my 40s and wonder if I would ever get over the fear of being in a relationship or even to the point where I feel good enough. There is someone I like but because of what I've been through I'm way too scared to let them know how I feel and because the last I thought some liked me I told them how I felt and they rejected me and we were friends. So opening up is not an option. Even though I know I would love to have a relationship with this person or someone... I guess I'm hoping it's not too late for me. I'm not married and have no children. But that hasn't ever been an issue for me. Though I would like to find someone.
I struggle with limerence all the time myself and the more honest we could be with ourselves better off we are. Just make sure you're not getting rid of good guys just because they may not fit a particular physical standard I do kind of hear that as well in the letter that maybe some of your mom was saying to you when you were younger rubbed off a little bit I just worry that maybe you're a little bit by helping people can look physically versus what's in the inside, just due to hearing you describe the man you are in love with. Tread with caution when it comes to physical appearances and make sure that it's not something that you've accidentally inherited to no fault of your own. I have actually dealt with women who broke up with me who said I was perfect for them, just I wasn't physically their type.
OMG I was just thinking about the wire monkey this morning and I have not thought about it in years and then I watch this video today. Synchronicity So weird.
" we don't know why blood doesn't go there" I am sorry you were met by unprofessional staff. Good surgeons know that smoking reduces blood flow and heightens the risk of complications. That's why honest cosmetic surgeons refuse patients who smoke (necrosis risk).
Ugh i live from year to year in the haze of some dream relationship or the other. The people i fall in love with usually never care for me like that or don't even know. I think they are my soulmate and am so sure my life would be terrible without them. My favourite romantic movies don't help! They make me want that so much more. I guess some of us are just wired to be more romantic 😥😂
Omg Anna, another one of my faves !!! And I am just going to tell you, right now, even though I can comment on so many other things, but the most important thing for me to comment on right now is how much I absolutely love your teeth! They are so cute !!! You are so cute !!!And actually, I will say, I absolutely love your voice. It is so soothing to me , thank you! And you are beautiful! Thank you, Anna, for the peace that you exude. You are helping me slowly, but surely come to my “center“ and I am 100% a God girl, but I will say I have not yet experience this level of “center“ and to something someone was saying that I really felt that understood things that I’ve been through, like you. Thank you. Godspeed and may your cup overflow!
Hey Anna and TeamFairy, i wanna share some thoughts on the topics around 46:00 in the video. The part where its about beeing in a fantasy world to have some compensating effects for the blows that one had to take from an abusive parent. So.. ive been reading John Bradshaws "The Shame That Binds Us" and Pete Walkers CPTSD book.. and i am thankful for both and also for the contents of your channel of course becasue i now have more words to describe how my parents behaved during my childhood: When we kids were sad (just emoting.. and the emotions was sadness) my parents yelled at us with THE FULL ANGER of an ADULT person, for instance "Wipe that frown off your face right now!" or "Why are you crying again" But with the full anger and disgust that an adult can produce. If i did that at work.. by the time i did it 2 or 3 times id probablly be called to a meeting with HR haha :D . If i would behave like that at date for instance.. she would rightfully protect her boundaries and leave.. maybe call for help even. John Bradshaw says that an abuse like this results in an abandonment becaue one cant abuse a child and be there at the same time its just not possible. So i more and more understand why fantasy worlds where vital in my child hood. But now with limerent attachments they are kind of annoying haha :D It also makes a lot of sense that i have anxiety regarding intimacy. In the past i could simply not feel safe or trust anyone when i showed my emotions, a blow of anger or shame almost always came. Thanks again Anna and TeamFairy.
I’ve seen a couple things talking about how intimate relationships are hard for people who grow up with emotional abuse because emotions are tied to not being safe. So, if there is an argument and you grew up never seeing those resolve positively, they feel like a death sentence to the relationship. So, you might avoid talking about anything serious, or you might fear a break up at every disagreement. Arguments feel unsafe, and we might view our partner as an enemy, etc. (like, get really defensive or shut down). Hearing that association between intimacy and fear/lack of safety really put things into perspective for me. I knew I got defensive and closed off/couldn’t bring up what was bothering me/always wanted to break up, but I didn’t know why I distrusted so deeply. I knew what the fear was, but I didn’t know how to fix that. Just sharing in case that gives helpful insight.
2:03:41 it's psychosomatic. I did psychosomatic course. It's interconnected. Bodily aches can be connected to unresolved emotions and situations. Can become disease with time if not treated. That's why we also do therapies. To work with traumas, also emotional and if not too late that can partially prevent physical diseases, chronical issues. Partially because good sleep, good eating habits, physical excercise is also needed.
The comedian in you came out with that cat walking on the piano. I was eating my cereal and laughing. Quite the struggle. Been there with discordant relationships, but now I have a sound effect for it. 😅
One very important thing that Anna mentioned is to have boundaries and how not having them can backfire, other person loses respect for us...now I understand why I couldn't respect someone in the past, I couldn't put my finger on it then, now I understand🤯 Basically that person did things to look cool not bothered by me but I felt there was no boundaries and therefore I started to lose my respect towards them.
Awww I am so sorry that happened to you. You did not get the parents you deserved. I Hope you have some clarity through this and healing. You deserve so much more!
i just wish this was standard health & wellness content in HS - if I had only even imagined that Springer shows weren't "fake & trashy" - if ONLY i had understood that there were people, women, mothers like this out there, it would have saved me (and children) A LOT of nightmare time, and a lot of pain and suffering. These stories are REAL life. And I appreciate your content, and your clients' and followers' willingness to share the gritty details. I was in no way prepared for what is out there. AND I was in no way properly resourced to deal with it. Recovery without a more stable, emotionally intelligent, or honest (as opposed to the denial of the teetotalers one generation removed from the alcohol + ISM) family of origin has been .... slow. Thank you so much for your support to your letter writers, for your witness, and accountability. These things are devastating. The impact and influence of the ways we normalize and role play humans who aren't mothering is profound. AND none of the "selfish and cruel" in our culture, none of it, is "normal" - it just doesn't make sense.
Thank youuuuuuuu!!! I love the reality check and am so happy I watched this. My therapist does the same, she wants to hear about the limerance but doesn't check me on my fantasy mind. This is so helpful in my current situation.
Being a Male Sexual Abuse Survivor,I can relate to how he feels so terrible about himself that no one in the world can love him because he is so damaged... She needs to let him get the therapy and support groups he needs first and also take of herself and her own issues in therapy and support groups as well ..
My mom tells me that my nose use to be so tiny when I was young. I ruined my nose bc I pushed my nose up a lot bc of allergies as a child. I really like my nose and I don’t think I ruined it. But idk why she always tells me that..
I wonder how many of these letter writers actually take the brave steps to take Anna's advice? Is there follow-up to see how they're doing or follow-up letters that they send?
Sin has no place in the human heart! God’s sheer goodness is available for everybody: Thank you Anna for being God’s instrument to show His love! You are chastity teacher! As you know: Love is willing the good of your followers! You tell truth through your beautiful words of wisdom; feelings maybe hurt. Still: Feelings are not intelligent! Saint Elizabeth of Hungary, pray for us especially for those who are suffering from terrible childhoods! “Memorare” prayed for intention for the salvation of souls! Friday, November 17, 2023
What do you do when you DO find that person and they DO make that commitment and you DO create a life and a family together, (22 years and 4 children), still believing that they are your forever partner, your soul mate - despite having challenges and disappoinments. And then she gets into an affiar and lies and manipulates and destroys and leaves takeing everything while similtaniously burning it all down, divorcing and turning the children against their father? How does one go from 6 in a houshold to living alone all of a sudden AND dealing with the tsunami of CPTSD hell, (anxiety, out of body experiences, the whole nine plus a biscuit)? 5 years in and still dealing with her living and loving that turd and being devistated and lonely and dead and destitute and hopeless? (Asking for a friend 😜)
Ugh :( I hear you. So painful but we begin again with someone new. You will find love & be happy again. Gentle reminder: When we miss someone our mind will focus on the good memories & forget the bad.
I see our tendency to fall into fantasy as an overuse of a coping power we learned too early. Now it’s a tool for escaping hard days and we’re so “good” at it that we’re halfway in before we see it. And the other tools that suit adulthood so much better were never developed because that’s what good parents teach and we didn’t have those. So our toolbox is sparse and the only pretty tool that works right away and never lets us down is fantasy. One almost needs to create an overarching fantasy of being single and glorious to battle that limerence before it sneaks in. Because once it does, those other tools are so inadequate to the task of undoing what the power tool of fantasy has already done!
My husband and I are both now working through our childhood trauma and the abusive 20 year relationship we have been in. Him giving rbe abuse and me taking it, i tookit like a champion until I couldnt brainwash and gaslight myself anymore. I worry my romantic love for him is gone because he killed it. We have 2 kids and i dont want them to see him try to change and me not wanting his love anymore, that's how i feel now. I don't want his love, it's too late. I worry about hurting him and my kids. I used to pray the first few years of our relationship, when it was in fact limerance 6 YEAR LIMERANCE, id beg God to take this love for him away from my heart because he hurt me, and it took 20 years but God took it, it's gone and now he,my husband, wants it.. ..sometimes our babies get hurt in aftermath of the inevitable implosion of what we've done and accepted because of childhood trauma, and now they have trauma. What can we do?
I understand that my spiritual inclinations are essentially a cushion for the callous reality I face. The fantasy provides faux-emotional satisfaction, a catharsis for the mind, but the environment and circumstances remain the same. To keep with the fairytale theme, it's like being stuck in neverland.
Every morning before I would go to school my mom told me she was so sorry about my high forehead, my straight red hair, my freckles, and my pooky stomach. Dad would give her money to buy me she'd buy herself new clothes and shopped at the goodwill for me. She would lock me in my bedroom and go shopping, I was like 5yrs old. When she was stressed I got the leather strap. At dinner table she would fill my plate, like a logger would eat, and when I couldn't finish I sat at the table until 9:00 at night. I could go on and on. And at 92yrs old she told me that my dad isn't my dad. And to top it off she said he raped her, but she had a sparkle in her when she talked about him, and he was a cop. She was not raped. I have learned she had affairs. But she couldn't tell me he was good guy, no, your dad was a rapist! And to top it all off, I had to take care of my abuser for twenty years! I know I didn't have to, so why did I! I started out to just say I relate to people who had moms who were negative about looks. I've got to get help!
I helped my abusers for 42 years. CPTSD is a beast. That's why. You help yourself now. You put in enough of your energy for those who didn't deserve it. You're good! Don't feel guilt. Btw, I've always thought that Celtic looking people were rare beauties. Freckles are like kisses from the stars and red hair always looks regal; a strong yet soft beauty like a sunset.
I'm so sorry for you, my sister was just like that, and I've been living with her helping with her children for a couple of years by my own will, my mother was sick and was absent most time. My father was depressed and workaholic. I left home, where my abusive sister lived as well, when I was around 26, and broke all contact at 32 when my father died. He was living with her and helping her until he got sick, and then she didn't want to take care of him and wanted me to do that, while I had a newborn baby. She got pissed when I said "NO" and thanks to that, I could see her for what she is. But I still get entangled with self-absorbed people, bad work environments etc. It's the way I'm used to, but there's a change going on
Sharing this for educational purposes. My whole life has been plagued by this "rejecting good people so I can live in fantasy" curse! Probably ever since I was a preteen, and I'm turning 28 now. How did it all start? -> Unintentional neglect and instability, lack of access to adults while having long-term exposure to danger I'd face alone in my early childhood -> Due to this early experience I didn't have any interest in my peers before puberty. My best friend took all her insecurities on me and was very controlling. She became physically violent when I was 13 so I lost my only close friend when entering middle-school where I then got brutally bullied and rejected. (+ ex-bestie told everyone I was the mean one so I got hated for that too, called me a liar etc. So I learned early that I can't even make a boundary without ending up alone and told it makes me a bad person. (: -> Between ages 13 - 19 I noticed there were some peers I was comfortable around and could be myself with. I should've made friends with them, but I didn't!! Or I kept them at an arm's length. Instead, I obsessed over acquaintances or even strangers that I felt intense CPTSD limerence for. I stayed in a friend group where I had no one truly close to me due to this limerence. Between ages 13-15 I spent all my time entirely alone because I just wanted to live in my imagination world where this one stranger who was nice to me a couple times is my soulmate or some bs. I knew it was delusional but could not change how I felt NOTHING for anyone else than them. -> In early 20'ies I got in a bad relationship where I definitely felt devalued and judged 24/7 and for awhile this was the only person close to me in my entire life. -> At 25+ I found myself with this same problem all over again... Extremely intense limerence and "love" for people who make me feel judged, criticised and devalued. No feelings at all for people who are good to me. I lost a good friend who was hurt by me prioritizing someone prickly over them. Again, prioritizing a non-existent fantasy over a real friend. I still don't know how to fix this. I'm trying to learn to prioritize myself in my own life and to view myself with genuine compassion and love, so perhaps I'd stop chasing that feeling in people I feel strip it away from me. Perhaps this work will help me love for real one day. I'm so frustrated because I want to feel real, vibrant feelings. I want to feel excited and in love. But I only feel that for people who hate me and look down on me. Feeling real love feels completely impossible for me because outside of my limerence I'm basically completely flat and emotionless towards everyone. I care about people and want to show up for them but my feelings are not in it. I'm hollow. I can not love. I feel so profoundly ill and broken because I've known this is an issue with me for years but feel powerless to change it. I prioritize good friendships now and try to avoid assholes, but even still... I can't feel anything. My life lacks any sense of meaning or love because nothing else can bring me the kind of joy than a mean and judgemental person giving me a compliment that I later find was a backhanded jab... I believe this can change but for me, this is going to be really difficult and long. Also it makes me feel bad I can't tell good people I love them and actually mean it. I care and get worried and want their best but I'm just so empty inside all the time....
100% he was dating someone in the room AND made up a lie in case mom heard something from the neighbors!! But mom is very crazy and gets no pass. She’s certifiable.
Good Session: 💥fairy dust of compassion (Carl ✨Rogers); confrontation (Albert🔥 Ellis); Solution🚕Focused (DeShazaar). Can’t get 🍪 cookie carrot 🥕 from people who don’t got 🍪 cookie carrot 🥕 to give. Plus, if you got it It’s a plastic carrot. That’s the Twitter version of your entire session I approve I’m sending this to some of my clients Who are still trying to get that goddamn cookie or that stupid carrot
Dr. Fairly, some think that my dance crew doesn't care for me but most don't realize how we evolved together from the near beginning or at the very beginning in many fresh MOVEMENTS etc. etc. etc
OMG.. 😮I did that slept with a closed pin on my nose. I wanted my nose to look like my mother’s nose. They attack us when we’re children to screw up us when we become adults and in between the growing stages we mess up a lot of important relationships subconsciously without understanding why.
Thank you! Glad I found your channel! Yes, parents and families hurt each other, children etc. That in and of itself is difficult to deal with now add cruel teachers or molesting Drs etc. In today's world children are in daycare from birth, in public schools which can be horrible and subjective to other abusive children all with absent parents now add drugs and abuse. God help our children! How does anyone survive. Thank you for sharing you healing. Amazing! Thank you!
Nearly 70. Poured my "love" (limerence), time, energy, resources into a black hole of a situationship that became emotionally abusive. Giving and over giving and chasing... And maybe now I get what I "wanted" and it sickens and scares me but it's all a bad habit and I seem not able to STOP. I'm sick when I contemplate being with him and sick when I am not connected with him. Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes I see him as a parasite, leaching off my life. Sometimes I feel... Pity. Sometimes my brain just hurts, and I feel so disconnected. Sometimes when he calls it all seems "better", but not really. I have options, but I don't want them This is sickness.
Great insight about the narcissist mom who wants a certain child. My mother was dark and short and wanted a tall blue-eyed son. She constantly reminded me that I was supposed to be William Carl. She constantly reminded me how much I disappointed her, blaming me for our family being poor. Through tons of therapy as an adult, I climbed out of the self-image she tried to create for me. I was also a Pollyanna for years, and like Vivian, I would try to rationalize destructive relationships with men. The advice of not drinking when you're in a vulnerable space is spot on. Boundaries are the key. Stick to them and you will heal from your trauma. I am so proud of the progress I've made in creating a healthy life for myself. I only let in people who are emotionally reliable and only to the extent that I can relate to them in a healthy way. Baby steps. I am learning that having tough love to resist those unhealthy relationships is what is now giving me the peace, love and joy that comes from loving yourself. Tough love is your best friend. Thank you again, Anna. I'm recovering from C-PTSD and continue to be amazed at how good it feels to find my true self.
Thank you for sharing your strength & experience! It will help others. Julie@TeamFairy
My mother and her family have blonde hair, blue eyes, and a pale skin. They are not tall though, with the exception of my uncle. My grandfather chose my grandmother (who was not an aristocrat) specifically because she was very tall (about 15 cm taller than him) and all her brothers and cousins and uncles were over 180 cm tall...
I am tall (over 20 cm taller than my mother as an adult) but I have brown hair, brown eyes, and my skin is not that pale. Irish genes, from my father's side of the family. My mother claimed I was a changeling, that I must be Jewish, or Gipsy, or that my father must have been Jewish or Gipsy... I was bullied at school because I didn't look at all like my family (my father left my mother after 4 months), people used to wonder whether I'd been adopted. I still feel inferior to people with blonde hair and blue eyes. It's quite difficult as people will usually try to use me for sex, then will reject me when they find they are not likely to ever succeed. I am too damaged to be able to have a relationship (even less raise children) and I am now living with cancer so I have a limited life expectancy and I don't want to waste the little time I have left.
I always thought or at least felt that I was the only one with a mother like this..and that nobody understud how bad it was..I just recently startet to digg in to this mess and now I have a word for what my mom was and a understanding about cptsd. This has effected my hole life, and also my son, It feels far away to be able to forgive..but hopfully Il find the key to that along the path of healing this opend wound. Thank u so much for this channal and comments...🙏bless
Wow, this was so relatable it brought me to tears.
Big hug for you ❤️
I’m 57 years old. I was removed from my family home at 5 years old because of physical abuse. I was forced to sleep on the porch with 2 dogs during extremely cold New Zealand winters. I was sent to live with my grandmother. The same woman who had abused my father and taught him how to “discipline” a child. I have 8 brothers and sisters, scattered all over NZ and Australia. I have only ever met 2 of them. My mother abandoned us also. Recently, my mother got very I’ll and passed away. I received a text message from my sister saying “we no longer have a mum”. I replied “I never did!” She couldn’t believe I would say such a thing but I had only met my mum twice in my life! I felt nothing.
Recently, I was diagnosed with severe adult ADHD, CPTSD, Tourette’s syndrome and several other disorders. I have an 11 year old son. If not for him, I wouldn’t be on this planet anymore.
I spend most of my time in my studio making crap music, it’s the only thing that quiets my mind and brings me joy.
I never knew all these things that happened to me had affected me and my life so much until recently and now I have no idea what to do next.
I have had many unhealthy relationships over the years and have never been married. I have a wonderful woman in my life now but every day I think she could do so much better. Spending another 20 or 30 years on this planet is not a great thought for me right now.
I don’t actually expect anyone to read this…it’s just that it’s 2am here and I don’t really sleep. It actually feels better to just write this…
Thanks for sharing! Look into healing the nervous system. Irene Lyon is one good source. It's not a quick fix but it can heal the physical things as well as the Tourette. She has a lot of videos here on RUclips and some free resources to try out first. All the best to your healing journey!
@@kikki2012 thank you so much. I will definitely look into that!
@@officialWWM You're welcome! Best wishes
@@officialWWM PS It can also heal the emotional and mental part of the trauma as part of the journey.
officialWWM, we hear you, and we're here with you. Thank you for sharing. Hopefully some day you will be able to be the person you think your wonderful woman deserves so that you can be truly happy with her and with yourself. Don't give up! Healing is possible.
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy, I've never written a single comment on YT & this will be the only one I'll ever post. I need to thank you for helping all of us recover from our trauma ridden pasts. Your communication skills are off the charts commendable. Thank you for your knowledge & kindness 🙏
Thank you too. What a nice comment.
Dear Crappy Childhood Fairy 🧚🙏🏻 I’ve been binge watching your videos these last 3 days and I take the time to write this comment to THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all that you share with us all here 🤍
I’ve learnt more in 3 days about relationships while healing from CPTSD, than in 5 years of therapy, trauma work and somatic healing. So thank you.
A hug from France 🇫🇷 And for anyone reading this comment…may you be well, may you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be reborn from the ashes of your dark past to finally shine your light 🌟 You deserve it.
Merci!
Wow Bernice! Articulate and powerful. Thank you for sharing - Bless you!
I always think it's lovely how people like yourself upload so much content, because people that make shorts probably make as much as someone that makes a two hour video. But you've really put the work in. It's like your audience have their own therpaist and im certain youve saved lives by your uploads. Wishing you all the best and thank you for your work.
What a kind thing to say! I’m sure Anna will want to read this. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Nika@TeamFairy
Tautoko ❤ I agree so strongly…. Such valuable comment, and always new fresh insights. Ive only recently come to this channel. So grateful ❤
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 12 years old and I am now 52. I was diagnosed having BPD but I don’t feel that fits me as well as CPTSD. I did not know that CPTSD even existed until I stumbled across your channel. I am watching videos almost daily and I feel like the things you are teaching and talking about are what I have needed all my life. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. People like you save lives. I feel that you are saving mine. Much love and appreciation. ❤
This person is really strong and clear to know herself well enough to admit this.
Yes you are an inspiration
Limerence has ruined my life lol with false promises and hopes; victim of future thinking with plenty red flags; and living in a complete fantasy world. There has to be light at the end of this road at 49 years old. This can’t be it lol
There is a lot of room and time for healing and new chocies :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've been in limerence for 6 years!!
Sometimes listening to your videos bring back a tidal wave of "forgotten" memories. My mom told me daily how ugly I was, and her focus for some reason was my nose. Always telling me, "You got a big nose". It leaves me dumbfounded how awful parents are to their children.
That's awful, I'm so glad you're looking for the support you deserve now!
-Cara@TeamFairy
😢
I have the same mother, she used to insult my nose all the time, i remember when i a was a teenager, she siad things like your nose looks like an ugly potato or a 🍆 (the fruit), or some animals. She used to say, who is gonna marry you, you're so ugly.
When my (ex) husband and i decided to marry, she said he isn't with you for you cause you're too ugly, maybe he wants something else.
It's been a long road to finally love myslef but everyday I'm doing better.
We are beautiful and unique 🥀🥀
my mon told me i should kill myself.
Wow. I even had a nose job to make it smaller. None of the family said it looked nice. Nothing. Now I have a beautiful grand daughter with my old nose and she's stunning. Gorgeous. Now I understand that may nose was actually very unique and lovely and they were jealous. Sick family.
Experiencing abuse with siblings doesnt necessarily make the pain of being abused easier to bear. I have difficulties in my relationships with my brothers BECAUSE of how we were all abused. So while it is nice to think you have some kind of "battle buddies," at times, the pain was and is also compounded. It shows up in how dysfunctional we are (and have always been) with each other.
Thank you for sharing your insight with us.
Nika@TeamFairy
I agree. When my little brother and I finally got out of the abuse, we were really nasty towards one another and didn’t have a good relationship. A lot of it was because I was put in an adult position to watch over him/take care of him. As I’ve gotten older, I’m much less resentful of my little brother. It wasn’t his fault that I didn’t get a normal childhood, and I’m glad that I did keep him safe through the horrible stuff. Abuse can totally warp normal sibling relationships, good or bad.
This was my experience as well.
Yup, especially since we all responded very differently to how we handled the abuse and how it manifested in our behavior.
Dear lord. I’ve been listening to this all night while doing laundry and I swear that someone (a friend who’s been trying to make things into something more) just DMed me yet another uncomfortable message. And I’m so tapped into my core feelings right now that I finally sent a well worded and respectful message about how uncomfortable it’s made me and put up a very big boundary with him. I don’t think I would’ve done that had I not been listening to this and so tapped into my feelings! So huge thank yous for literally helping me in real time and for helping me not continue to swallow my discomfort and to accidentally lead this person on just because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. My feels are equally valid, what a concept. THANK YOU!!!!
Wow - powerful. Good for you!
Im almost 32, married with 4 kids and I just realized not too long ago that my whole life I have just been trying to feel loved. I grew up with both parents and still never felt loved by my dad and i never felt he loved my mom. All my self sabotaging had come down to that. Past terrible relationships and the drinking. To this day, i have to get constant reassurance from my husband that he loves . I know he does but i need to hear it almost daily.
I thought People who had been through real trauma, won't able to get married (not able to form a real relationship). _ based on my real life experience right in front of my eyes.
You have a loving husband who you know loves you and has given you 4 beautiful children
Now is the time to reciprocate Love back to your own family
BE AWARE do not push your husband away because of your trauma, be careful and work on your healing.
It’s ok to want to hear that he loves you. It’s more important that you work on loving you; all of you. It’s really healthy to find yourself in your own creativity, interests, self care, and diving into who you are outside of your children and husband. We as mothers give so much and get lost in the chaos in child rearing. Give all you can but make Date for yourself with really good friends. Make time for your interests. This will give you something to look forward to other than the home affairs. When you begin to look at all you are able to accomplish, it is easier to realize that those who show you they love you, actually do. You won’t need to be reminded every day bc you’ll be busy doing you. We are separate people regardless how much love is in the marriage. Hope you understand my message
OMG I can relate so much with the words you wrote. Exactly on the same situation.
I wonder if you were able to heal. If so please comment how.
Your insight into why the stepdad said he had no stepchildren makes so much sense.
In the black community (I am black) there is a judgement based on the size of your nose. People with smaller non “black” noses are considered beautiful. I know this because my own grandmother told me “we- meaning me, her and my dad- don’t have wide noses like most black people. My jaw dropped! I can’t stand stuff like that, no one can help what features they are born with!
So true! My female relatives… aunts and cousins LOVE mixed people and praise their beauty more than my younger fully black cousins. They are obsessed with hair texture , small noses, light eyes and light skin. Self hate is REAL!
This is so sick, I have different heritage but my aunt and my grandmother used to tell me I shouldnt expose myself to the sun because if I get to tanned no man will want me. My nose was too long, my legs to thick, my face to skinny😢 And you know what these are in my opinion my best features, now I started loving exactly these things about me. I dance and hit the gym a lot and I love my strong legs. I love my skin no matter tanned or not. And I love how my nose and my face shape show my heritage❤
Love it or hate it you're born with it.. I was born with beautiful hair. People saying but they also thought I was a girl until I could grow a beard.
Doesn't help my mother never cut it. Never had it cut and told me she wanted a girl instead....
Yah
Like 🎉 k
My first gf was black.. only Person when I was teenager that understood me. Lol
It's a deep deep truth that took me into my late 20s to figure out. You have to love yourself before. You can love other people fully or the extent that you love yourself is the amount that you can love. Other people would be another way to say
TY. I've been alone for 9 years, since my husband died. Time to reflect without getting triggered is a worthwhile pursuit, I guess. My childhood consisted of 18 years of misery bordering on insanity. Mom just stood there, propped up by the door frame with her baby finger up her nose, and watched the beatings, the molestations, and the emotional deadening of my fragile mind.
Recalling a memory of being taken by ambulance to a hospital for an xray and manual manipulation of my knee cap, the doctor asks me when I broke my leg and all I could say was I didn't know because I hadn't ever had a cast on it.
Mom died last December and I feel nothing. She lied to me again and again and betrayed me, again and again. I'm the truth teller in this toxic family so you know how I am treated.
I can never trust again.
My life was similarly horrific and I’m so sorry. I know the damage it causes but I have started to find healing at 44! And I believe you can to. Last year I would never have said this because my life is a series of devastation or was. But I’m changing my reality and I think you can too. It is possible to heal.
Glad you are here now, glad you made it through all that. Healing is possible.
@@josiep8766 Thank you. I'm sorry you went through it too. I'm just finding peace in being alone, away from my toxic family. After care taking for 60 years I'm burnt out. Take care.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you. I hope so.
I wish I could give you a hug. Im so sorry you suffered so much...
This letter triggered memories of the power play my mother used to get my father to beat me while she would stand watching with a satisfied smirk on her face. I don't know if my mother was mentally ill, a narcissist, or just evil. She rejected me at birth because my face was badly bruised and swollen from the forceps during delivery. She never bonded with me, and she was cold, extremely critical, physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. My father was very authoritarian, and he had uncontrolled anger issues. I walked on eggshells growing up and lived in fear constantly. The beatings became severe once I became a teenager, and each beating was for something I didn't do. I had to leave home after my junior year in high school after the worst beating I had ever received. My mother took me out of school for a week to my Aunt's, until my face healed enough to go back. Then, when the school year ended, I was sent to live with my brother. My sister-n-law was the first person to notice that my nerves were shot, and she took me to a doctor who prescribed me a mild sedative. I was diagnosed with PTSD years later, and I have huge trust issues and severe social anxiety disorder, which affects my relationships. I have never followed through on therapy because I couldn't bring myself to talk about what I had been through.
You’re tough as nails.
I'm so sorry you've gone through so much pain and trauma, and I hope that you some day find the strength and fortitude to find a therapist who will be helpful for you. **Offering virtual hugs, if you want them**
This video title popped up just as I’m settling into some poor behavior.
This is why I stay subscribed to your channel. One title and I’m tuned up
Same here. The message always comes at the right time!
The wire monkey story had a different outcome:
There were two monkey dolls. One made of wire and a heated, one covered in plush. Scientists wanted to find out, which doll the baby would prefer. It turned out, that the baby went to the wire doll to drink milk, but spent the rest of the time perched on the soft, comfortable, warm plush doll, cuddling and sleeping and practising to climb and jump.
This proved, that babies need physical contact and warmth to a far greater extent than previously assumed. It revolutionised the way orphans were treated and overall how children were raised in the western world: Based on those monkey experiments (conducted in 1965 by Harry Harlow) scientists explained to governments, that it's not enough to house and feed children. They need a social mother figure, that hugs them and plays with them etc.
19th century (often British) manuals had warned parents to not spoil their children by giving them attention, praising them or touching them lovingly. The monkey experiments broke this false idea of being distant and unavailable as a good parenting strategy.
Along with surgery on immobilised babies, who hadn't been given anaesthesia (!), because it was thought that babies couldn't feel pain (!!), the distant style of education, that was strongly promoted in the 19th century is nowadays seen as the main reason for the surge of sociopathy between the Industrial Revolution era and the fall of communism. People like Dahmer may have been subjected to being cut up without pain relief as infants (this was practiced from the 1940s-70s) or raised according to the principle of not engaging too much with children.
Sarno is good, I had backpain so bad I was hospitalized for months unable to even sit up, I had to lie on my stomach and be helped to use a bedpan and bathe it was truly awful and the doctors were throwing words around like arthritis of the spine and spinal stenosis, I clenched my jaw so much my dentist said I had the wear of someone 40 years older than myself, and had frequent horrid headaches.
having removed negative people from my life incorporating meditation, and the daily practise into my life and doing emdr therapy as well as watching all the crappy childhood fairy videos, I'm no longer in pain 24/7, no headaches, minimal back pain.
I'm off all pain meds, I no longer need to use my walker.
My posture was always in a protective fight or flight, fetal position - making myself small and tight. Discs slipping and crippling me for months at a time. It really was mental stuff causing physical pain
I highly recommend the book the body keeps the score
I can so relate to the posture thing - I feel like I have always scrunched myself up to make myself small and to protect myself. Since I've made a conscious effort over the last month to stand tall and proud, it has made such a big difference. I notice now that my posture is worse when I feel down. I have back issues due to two separate injuries but better posture feels like I'm setting myself up to do better 💜 I don't think it's coincidence that my posture has improved since I have been facing up to my past trauma, and actively working on healing.
I bought that book a few weeks ago! Have yet to start reading it but your comment has prompted me, so thank you 😊
The best video ever! I feel like a newborn. Omg Anna, believe me when I say: You have just healed all my wounds, all my childhood traumas, answered all my questions. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May God bless you. Greetings from Istanbul, Turkey 🙏🏼🌺
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
I wish it was that easy for me
I am so grateful for crappy childhood fairy. I have started the journey with the techniques and I have started to feel hope for change after decades of crumby relationships. These videos are saving my life as I started to drink heavily stopped caring for myself. I have not been seen by others and I stopped even thinking of myself as human. I wish everyone here love peace and joy.
I'm overjoyed to hear of your breakthrough. So much healing can now begin! Welcome. Happy New Year.
Thank you! I can’t express how much it means to hear my symptoms AND that it isn’t my fault & there’s healing available. Whew! What a relief!!!
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
2:07:34 James’ letter: a terse letter, from a man, FINALLY I’ve heard ‘a brother’ here. I bet more men suffer with limerence but are too afraid to write you, Anna. I also like to keep my thoughts concise and organized. I would save the details for more one/one talk therapy. 2:59:22 Lonely: i’ve been living alone since July 2015, experienced a few very low times, life below the poverty line, two arthritic hips that needed replaced, and finally a near fatal car accident 10 months ago. I was brought to an inflection point in my life and started my self-care, healing journey last winter. My Limerence habit came during my recovery from the accident, and boy did it blossom. Luckily, for me, the person being far away, but very empathetic and understanding, actually helped me come to the point where I am now ready for more personal work and healing my inner child. I do want to take your courses and probably reach out for talk therapy but I would like to know if I could get you yourself Anna to talk with. I’m convinced you understand what I’ve been through most of my adult life.
You laugh about the "nose" issue but let me tell you, growing up with a big nose is hell. I'm not kidding.
My mom teased me about my nose, my brother called me "the nose". My sister also teased me. My freak'n grandmother teased me. I was constantly told I was ugly. I was also tall and dark and that was ugly in my culture.
I was an ugly duckling that grew up to be a beautiful woman but the nose comments still popped up every so often. Men were attracted to me to the point that it could be scary. I was told I was beautiful and even modeled. The problem was I never saw myself as anything more than "the nose".
I look at my photos from my teen years up and I wonder why I couldn't see I was pretty. Too many years of being teased and told I was ugly I guess.
Now I'm in my 60's and the caregiver for my mother that abused me mentally. It's really hard to not be petty to her like she was to me. I've had 5 different cancers in 15 years. Surgeries, chemo, radiation, on and on. I'm terribly disfigured from all of it. I don't like photos taken of me. I want to cry. I can't believe that's actually me. I have to remind myself that I lost my beauty but I'm still alive. I have a husband who is wonderful to my mother. I have my sons and a new grand baby.
Weird thing, I inherited a photo of my great grandmother. She was quite elderly in the photo and not a pretty woman. She was born in the 1880's in the SW of the US. Her dad sold her for a saddle and some sheep. Seriously. I told my son that when he saw the photo and he said "I think her dad got a good deal".
I have seen that photo my whole life but I've heard so many wonderful things about my great grandmother that I never thought of her as ugly. She had a bunch of kids and there's a child named after her in every family and generation since. Guess what! She had a big nose too. haha
My mother called me “belly the kid” because I had a pudge in my middle during the 70s when females were expected to have flat bellies. I have struggled with self image ever since. I’m in my 50s now with almost perfect facial features and almost zero wrinkles and I am in phenomenal health for a woman my age. Yet I still struggle with a huge meno-belly (panos ) that I’m considering having surgically removed so my clothes will fit. I’ve tried every reasonable diet and program to remove the belly for long periods of massive awe inspiring discipline only to yield 0 results. I really think somehow it’s all related to that stupid nickname 😭😤
You sound like a wonderful person, taking care of your mother, after the way she treated you. I hope you are able to forgive her, for both your sake. Did you know that our noses never stop growing? 😅 My husband & I both, are from families with big noses & our kids have them too😂. There’s more to us than our noses! Keep being the wonderful person that you are! I’m sorry that you have suffered so much in your life, perhaps those who know you are learning from you, how to be a good person! God Bless you!
@@Fiat1 YOU are in-DEED, a wonder-FULL soul with a h-eart that beats anything on eart-h ❤
Have YAHsome Day and thank you.
Limerence is so awful, I’ve been in many “relationships” with people that I’ve never even touched. It’s all fantasy. Most involve people that have shown even a little interest in me. Some have hinted that they want to go further, most not. I will never know for sure. I do know somehow that it’s not healthy and I’ve avoided actual human contact with these people. Even strangers can be involved, people I feel a fleeting connection with that’s emotionally triggering for me. I imagine these entire lives with them, but I have no actual idea how they are or what they are doing. Some people that I thought I had some sort of parallel life with have in reality moved on, gotten married, had kids, a couple of them even died and I found out years later…it’s always shocking to me, like how did that happen, as though they know innately but moved ahead with their lives anyway. I’m so glad that there’s a name for it. It helps to recognize it and know what it is and how it works. I agree with what you said about discovering the versions of ourselves that we glimpse during these times…that helps a lot too.
Great insight. Healing is possible!
-The Fairy Team
the section at 2:07:41 is so good. Carry your greatness with you across your life even in grief and after loss. Very inspiring
Your teaching fuels my stamina and conviction, and shows me that I'm definitely healing, even while this phantom's still camped in my head. I practice no contact and take comfort that I never did anything to regret. I remind myself daily: he's with his wife and I'm still alone. I'm looking for a new coach (she/he has to accept Medicare; I've got a budget); my previous just retired. I took your dating course and built myself a sort of "dating schedule:" we do real things together, I get real enthusiasm for my company and see good character in his dealings, long before we get sexual. I've met a couple good guys this way; I'm just not feeling any electricity. I want to work with my next coach on the fact that every man I meet - in joined clubs, dating websites, volunteering, and classes - is shadowed by Mr. Incredible. Still, I crave intense passion, even from limerence. I'm channeling it into drawing, painting, and building with stone. That self-satisfied alpha male used my admiration to massage his ego. I'm using him to fuel my work, while preparing for a good guy who's actually available. Thank you for all you do.
Wow that second example is heartbreaking. This channel really helps me understand patients like this second example who become codependently attached to a former partner or platonic friend. I salute Anna for recommending this patient get a job rather than build a business. Psychs & MDs can’t really advise patients this way, but many patients try unsuccessfully to “build a business” in the grips of mental health struggles.
In reality, entrepreneurial ventures are hard on even the highest functioning people in top physical & mental health. Another factor is that having a job & supporting herself will motivate her to start the business whereas living cheaply at a friends or parents place doesn’t do that. Necessity is the mother of invention, as they say.
This is a good reminder, thank you.
Boy that wire monkey triggered every, compassionate, animal rights button within me. I almost turned it off but the wisdom you’ve conveyed was worth having to listen through. Devastatingly real and hits close to home! Imagine humans need to abuse a tiny animal to understand what a lack of maternal love will do to any living creature! Ugh 🙏 🙊 🙏
Christy, I saw that article and photograph somewhere like LIFE Magazine and I have yet to remove it from my mind after about 40 years. It epitomizes for me the cruelty of some human beings. Thank Heavens for people like you.
@@ginenelafontaine8343 And you as well dear one! I’ve never understood how so few could be so unaware and so unaffected by their treatment of animals in any capacity!
I'm with you🙁 It 's probably unbearable. Thanks for the trigger warning. Just reading your comment is depressing enough in advance, as i assume it to describe the cruelty and insanity of senseless experiments, I'll try to continue.... as disturbing as it is.
Same thing with Fauci and the beagles…I won’t go into it….I lose sleep and sometimes cry over people’s cruelty….Satan and his dirty sick puke 🤮
I feel as you do, thank you for the advanced warning. I can't listen to this one
I'm 34 and am finally breaking free. My family was dysfunctional and controlling. Whenever I would distance myself, they'd do anything to drag me back. I also had a horrible relationship with someone who only wanted me for validation.
I needed this channel. Wish I found it years ago.
Glad you are here.
Nika@TeamFairy
This is basically my life and why I've stayed in relationships and situationships too long - projecting my fantasy onto potential partners and overlooking their red flags.
You have a very calm, pleasant demeanour as you are presenting this information, which is healing in itself. 😊
I must say I am not ready for a relationship. When I say that to someone I mean it! The "when someone says they are not ready it means they do not want a relationship with you" "meme" cliche is a blanket statement. People can actually not be seeking a partner in life. It's a real thing and can be healthy.
I love being single.
Thanks for this subject. I often just want to work on a project with another artist without them trying to romanticize or SEXUALIZE the reason for our meeting. I end up feeling leery and get less creative because I don't feel comfortable working with the person.
Ok, I’ve been watching this for several hours now. I have been in many of these situations yr reading to the audience or youtube. Now I’m triggered!! What I want to do is write you a letter to get your take on my situation but I don’t want to revisit it. I try to reframe much of the negative outcomes but there’s an underlying fear that never goes away. Thanks for your insight - Love that you don’t sugar-coat the advise & honest answers.❤
Have you tried this free course? bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy TY!!
You're so amazing! Thank you so much for helping so many people.
CC Fairy ... Character Integrity Hope ... you got the gift combined with common sense truth ... rare combination ... two thumbs up and a silent prayer invoking God's Blessing upon the broken and hurting ...
It made me laugh when used the 'f' word for friend - It's really true that a multitude of intentions get filed under that category nowadays. :) Thank you for your wisdom and trying to inspire us to be the best version of ourselves...
I had an interaction with a "partner" on Sunday, and it shook reality into me. I had been seeking therapy but was unsuccessful finding someone, but I started seeking out these videos and have totally seen myself and am relieved that I am not alone. I am getting some very good information that is giving me hope.
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow this resonates with my experiences in so many ways. Though I’ve received many words of advice from therapists and others over the year, my particular filters have prevented me growing as much as I could have. It makes all the difference receiving the tough love from someone who has lived it. Thank you for being real.
Great words of wisdom to this letter writer. It certainly can help many listeners.
I have listened to this lady this week and subscribed. She is enjoying to learn and listen to. She is a very real woman. An inteligent grown up wise woman. . She has raised my standards for women. I had a sister like her that I was able to have good fulfilling conversations with. My sister Suzie past on years ago. I am so glad to be able to hear her talk.
I just found your videos, and I am so grateful for you making them❤
In my humble non-professional opinion, her mother, the malignant narcissist obviously hates herself. Who knows where the self-loathing comes from, but her extreme jealousy of her daughter is the symptom.
Your healing and work is such a life-line of information. Thank you.
"Hope is our dope"!! wWhoof!~Yep
Thank you Anna and Letter Writers 👍👍
i believe in living it out to the fullest. only then can you actually grow out of it and stop repeating the pattern. the heart needs what it needs. it can't be reasoned with. it takes time and it pains but that's the only way. i feel like i healed now. the people and situations from my past don't get to me anymore. now onto other lessons. such as how do i feel fulfilled.
Thank you, Anna. I have healed so much from learning the language and traits of childhood trauma and attachment issues through your channel. Putting myself back together in a healthy way through God’s use of you, your knowledge and most of all, YOUR testimonies. Prayers for your continued strength and success. Much love.💜💜💜
Thank you taking the time to comment. We appreciate your kind words toward Anna.
Nika@TeamFairy
19:52 I laughed so hard at this time stamp. You imitated the neighbors perfectly.
You help me so much living in a 35vyear relationship. Awareness Thank you
Married for 44 years. Ironically, I have grown because of the constant and regular doubt my wife reveals when we have a challenge. Challenge is what a carpenter faces regularly. There is always a solution for the creative individual. My wife has become an amazing amatuer photographer--- something that reminds me that I am not responsible for her inner happiness.
"Truth is context-driven; deceit is agenda-driven; those not interested in accurate information are not interested in truth. "
cc. 👀🐇🕳🌿🌾
The only thing I'm struggling to agree with is I believe you can mess it up with the right person because of your reaction to things based on past trauma
Listening to your videos over the past couple weeks, I think I have a lot of non-romantic limerence. I am happily in a ten year marriage and have no desire to step outside of that sexually-even in fantasy. Usually it’s someone popular, influential, or in a place of leadership that I have fantasies that I was able to impress and be good friends with or be mentored by. Sometimes, but not usually, it’s someone famous that I picture myself bumping into somewhere and hitting it off with. And yes, I think it is taking the place of having actual relationships with people. I would like to be able to cut down on the fantasies and have more real friendships.
I feel the same way, my limerance is for friendships.
Omg I literally obsess every day old friends and people I hadn't met at school being my friends. I also do it with well-known American celebrities. I get romantic limerence for men in the workplace, but not as much as I do for friends. Thanks so much for sharing. Now I know I'm not so weird!!
Everyone of her Ytube healing sessions are sacred sermons.
I'm loving your videos. I just wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel your compassion and how deeply you want to help others. This is truly what is so about. ❤
I’m just going through this story with a similar mom too! I made the mistake to get involved me 43 him 24, for 4 months knowing it was just basically hooking up. He just dropped me and ghosted me w no explanation, leaving me nursing my abandonment. Over all my guess he met someone. Either way I am using this lesson to be more intentional next time. Doing my best to self sooth n allowing myself to grief but with limits. Soon when ready will get your knowledge on dating with cpsd. So grateful to have come across this video
'Men' often do that. Ghost, ignore - no explanation.
Yes, you need to guard your heart from now on, however, let's not ignore that he IS a coward... and a user.
Dear Fairy, your knowledge of humans is exceptional.
You say such good things that I find very helpful and it is a pleasure to listen to you.
I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank goodness you called out the magical terms!!! These are words that seem to cause a new confusion to trick people with!!!
I'm not sure how much of your story you've shared in the past of how you ended up in a stable relationship. It'd be good to hear your story and what you were going through internally on your journey to making it into a healthy relationship.
I went through some serious violence and SA traumas in the past and have ended up single for the last 12 years at no choice of my own. I've made loads of progress over the years and will make it into a relationship one day but it'd be good to hear your journey if you're happy to share.
"How she did it" is shared in her courses & her community. I just signed up today. Was happy that it was attainable price & u get TONS for the money.
i'm glad i come across your channel, everything you said describe me exactly, my mom past away before i could walk and my dad was an alcoholic but he didn't leave us kids behind and brought us to the state, growing up was really hard i had no one to talk too i went througth drug and alcohol to cope and when i came out of my 30 years depression i realize my dad was the one that kill my mom and he past away in 2012, i'm 49 now and starting life over again, i really appreciate your video
I found your channel a few days ago. This title caught my eye. I haven't been in a lot of serious relationships only one really in my late teens early twenties but I now know that I brought a lot of baggage from my first love lust experience. I haven't been in a serious or committed relationship since. The last time I thought I found someone who wanted to be in a relationship. I felt like I was making excuses not to be in that relationship and made it hard to stay friends. But when I opened up to her she didn't feel that way and told me it was all in my head. I experienced some physical abuse, violence and for that I blamed myself I was only 15 or 16 at that time. Then my second relationship was more emotional. Now I'm in my 40s and wonder if I would ever get over the fear of being in a relationship or even to the point where I feel good enough. There is someone I like but because of what I've been through I'm way too scared to let them know how I feel and because the last I thought some liked me I told them how I felt and they rejected me and we were friends. So opening up is not an option. Even though I know I would love to have a relationship with this person or someone...
I guess I'm hoping it's not too late for me. I'm not married and have no children. But that hasn't ever been an issue for me. Though I would like to find someone.
Hugs to you. You are brave to seek healing. Proud to be in the same community.
Your content is life changing!
I struggle with limerence all the time myself and the more honest we could be with ourselves better off we are. Just make sure you're not getting rid of good guys just because they may not fit a particular physical standard I do kind of hear that as well in the letter that maybe some of your mom was saying to you when you were younger rubbed off a little bit I just worry that maybe you're a little bit by helping people can look physically versus what's in the inside, just due to hearing you describe the man you are in love with. Tread with caution when it comes to physical appearances and make sure that it's not something that you've accidentally inherited to no fault of your own. I have actually dealt with women who broke up with me who said I was perfect for them, just I wasn't physically their type.
OMG I was just thinking about the wire monkey this morning and I have not thought about it in years and then I watch this video today. Synchronicity So weird.
15:01 throwing your creative energy away 14:00 self-medicating + a half-life
" we don't know why blood doesn't go there" I am sorry you were met by unprofessional staff. Good surgeons know that smoking reduces blood flow and heightens the risk of complications. That's why honest cosmetic surgeons refuse patients who smoke (necrosis risk).
Ugh i live from year to year in the haze of some dream relationship or the other. The people i fall in love with usually never care for me like that or don't even know. I think they are my soulmate and am so sure my life would be terrible without them. My favourite romantic movies don't help! They make me want that so much more.
I guess some of us are just wired to be more romantic 😥😂
Omg Anna, another one of my faves !!! And I am just going to tell you, right now, even though I can comment on so many other things, but the most important thing for me to comment on right now is how much I absolutely love your teeth! They are so cute !!! You are so cute !!!And actually, I will say, I absolutely love your voice. It is so soothing to me , thank you! And you are beautiful! Thank you, Anna, for the peace that you exude. You are helping me slowly, but surely come to my “center“ and I am 100% a God girl, but I will say I have not yet experience this level of “center“ and to something someone was saying that I really felt that understood things that I’ve been through, like you. Thank you. Godspeed and may your cup overflow!
Hey Anna and TeamFairy, i wanna share some thoughts on the topics around 46:00 in the video. The part where its about beeing in a fantasy world to have some compensating effects for the blows that one had to take from an abusive parent. So.. ive been reading John Bradshaws "The Shame That Binds Us" and Pete Walkers CPTSD book.. and i am thankful for both and also for the contents of your channel of course becasue i now have more words to describe how my parents behaved during my childhood: When we kids were sad (just emoting.. and the emotions was sadness) my parents yelled at us with THE FULL ANGER of an ADULT person, for instance "Wipe that frown off your face right now!" or "Why are you crying again" But with the full anger and disgust that an adult can produce. If i did that at work.. by the time i did it 2 or 3 times id probablly be called to a meeting with HR haha :D . If i would behave like that at date for instance.. she would rightfully protect her boundaries and leave.. maybe call for help even. John Bradshaw says that an abuse like this results in an abandonment becaue one cant abuse a child and be there at the same time its just not possible. So i more and more understand why fantasy worlds where vital in my child hood. But now with limerent attachments they are kind of annoying haha :D It also makes a lot of sense that i have anxiety regarding intimacy. In the past i could simply not feel safe or trust anyone when i showed my emotions, a blow of anger or shame almost always came. Thanks again Anna and TeamFairy.
I’ve seen a couple things talking about how intimate relationships are hard for people who grow up with emotional abuse because emotions are tied to not being safe.
So, if there is an argument and you grew up never seeing those resolve positively, they feel like a death sentence to the relationship. So, you might avoid talking about anything serious, or you might fear a break up at every disagreement. Arguments feel unsafe, and we might view our partner as an enemy, etc. (like, get really defensive or shut down).
Hearing that association between intimacy and fear/lack of safety really put things into perspective for me. I knew I got defensive and closed off/couldn’t bring up what was bothering me/always wanted to break up, but I didn’t know why I distrusted so deeply. I knew what the fear was, but I didn’t know how to fix that.
Just sharing in case that gives helpful insight.
Oh Vivian. I'm right with you. Same experience 🙄
2:03:41 it's psychosomatic. I did psychosomatic course. It's interconnected. Bodily aches can be connected to unresolved emotions and situations. Can become disease with time if not treated. That's why we also do therapies. To work with traumas, also emotional and if not too late that can partially prevent physical diseases, chronical issues. Partially because good sleep, good eating habits, physical excercise is also needed.
5:03 my mother also got pregnant against my father’s wishes, and he abandoned her immediately.
I also had cancer at 35
She didn't need to work hard to deny what was happening to her child, the mother is clearly a sadistic sociopath that hated her child.
..from a hatred of herself, projected. Everyone needs healing.
The comedian in you came out with that cat walking on the piano. I was eating my cereal and laughing. Quite the struggle. Been there with discordant relationships, but now I have a sound effect for it. 😅
One very important thing that Anna mentioned is to have boundaries and how not having them can backfire, other person loses respect for us...now I understand why I couldn't respect someone in the past, I couldn't put my finger on it then, now I understand🤯 Basically that person did things to look cool not bothered by me but I felt there was no boundaries and therefore I started to lose my respect towards them.
Awww I am so sorry that happened to you. You did not get the parents you deserved. I Hope you have some clarity through this and healing. You deserve so much more!
Thank you for sharing your encouragement for the letter-writer!
Nika@TeamFairy
i just wish this was standard health & wellness content in HS - if I had only even imagined that Springer shows weren't "fake & trashy" - if ONLY i had understood that there were people, women, mothers like this out there, it would have saved me (and children) A LOT of nightmare time, and a lot of pain and suffering.
These stories are REAL life. And I appreciate your content, and your clients' and followers' willingness to share the gritty details. I was in no way prepared for what is out there. AND I was in no way properly resourced to deal with it. Recovery without a more stable, emotionally intelligent, or honest (as opposed to the denial of the teetotalers one generation removed from the alcohol + ISM) family of origin has been .... slow.
Thank you so much for your support to your letter writers, for your witness, and accountability. These things are devastating. The impact and influence of the ways we normalize and role play humans who aren't mothering is profound. AND none of the "selfish and cruel" in our culture, none of it, is "normal" - it just doesn't make sense.
Thank youuuuuuuu!!! I love the reality check and am so happy I watched this. My therapist does the same, she wants to hear about the limerance but doesn't check me on my fantasy mind. This is so helpful in my current situation.
I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Being a Male Sexual Abuse Survivor,I can relate to how he feels so terrible about himself that no one in the world can love him because he is so damaged... She needs to let him get the therapy and support groups he needs first and also take of herself and her own issues in therapy and support groups as well ..
Thank you for sharing this wisdom. Glad you're here.
Julie@TeamFairy
My mom tells me that my nose use to be so tiny when I was young. I ruined my nose bc I pushed my nose up a lot bc of allergies as a child. I really like my nose and I don’t think I ruined it. But idk why she always tells me that..
I wonder how many of these letter writers actually take the brave steps to take Anna's advice? Is there follow-up to see how they're doing or follow-up letters that they send?
That would be a great video down the road!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Sin has no place in the human heart!
God’s sheer goodness is available for everybody:
Thank you Anna for being God’s instrument to show His love! You are chastity teacher!
As you know:
Love is willing the good of your followers! You tell truth through your beautiful words of wisdom; feelings maybe hurt. Still:
Feelings are not intelligent!
Saint Elizabeth of Hungary, pray for us especially for those who are suffering from terrible childhoods! “Memorare” prayed for intention for the salvation of souls!
Friday, November 17, 2023
These videos are great thank you so much. I can’t accept that I have work to do finally. What a load off.
At least I know what I struggle with. I have had this issue my whole life never knowing what it was.
What do you do when you DO find that person and they DO make that commitment and you DO create a life and a family together, (22 years and 4 children), still believing that they are your forever partner, your soul mate - despite having challenges and disappoinments. And then she gets into an affiar and lies and manipulates and destroys and leaves takeing everything while similtaniously burning it all down, divorcing and turning the children against their father? How does one go from 6 in a houshold to living alone all of a sudden AND dealing with the tsunami of CPTSD hell, (anxiety, out of body experiences, the whole nine plus a biscuit)? 5 years in and still dealing with her living and loving that turd and being devistated and lonely and dead and destitute and hopeless?
(Asking for a friend 😜)
Ugh :( I hear you. So painful but we begin again with someone new. You will find love & be happy again. Gentle reminder: When we miss someone our mind will focus on the good memories & forget the bad.
I see our tendency to fall into fantasy as an overuse of a coping power we learned too early. Now it’s a tool for escaping hard days and we’re so “good” at it that we’re halfway in before we see it.
And the other tools that suit adulthood so much better were never developed because that’s what good parents teach and we didn’t have those.
So our toolbox is sparse and the only pretty tool that works right away and never lets us down is fantasy.
One almost needs to create an overarching fantasy of being single and glorious to battle that limerence before it sneaks in. Because once it does, those other tools are so inadequate to the task of undoing what the power tool of fantasy has already done!
My husband and I are both now working through our childhood trauma and the abusive 20 year relationship we have been in. Him giving rbe abuse and me taking it, i tookit like a champion until I couldnt brainwash and gaslight myself anymore. I worry my romantic love for him is gone because he killed it. We have 2 kids and i dont want them to see him try to change and me not wanting his love anymore, that's how i feel now. I don't want his love, it's too late. I worry about hurting him and my kids. I used to pray the first few years of our relationship, when it was in fact limerance 6 YEAR LIMERANCE, id beg God to take this love for him away from my heart because he hurt me, and it took 20 years but God took it, it's gone and now he,my husband, wants it.. ..sometimes our babies get hurt in aftermath of the inevitable implosion of what we've done and accepted because of childhood trauma, and now they have trauma. What can we do?
He’s willing to change and you don’t want to implode the relationship? You need a mediator. That means couples therapy
1:07:04 Unhealthy situation isn't 'teaching' you anything! It's sucking the SOUL out of you!
I understand that my spiritual inclinations are essentially a cushion for the callous reality I face. The fantasy provides faux-emotional satisfaction, a catharsis for the mind, but the environment and circumstances remain the same. To keep with the fairytale theme, it's like being stuck in neverland.
I’m a God person too. Right on. ☺️🙏🏽
Every morning before I would go to school my mom told me she was so sorry about my high forehead, my straight red hair, my freckles, and my pooky stomach. Dad would give her money to buy me she'd buy herself new clothes and shopped at the goodwill for me. She would lock me in my bedroom and go shopping, I was like 5yrs old. When she was stressed I got the leather strap. At dinner table she would fill my plate, like a logger would eat, and when I couldn't finish I sat at the table until 9:00 at night. I could go on and on. And at 92yrs old she told me that my dad isn't my dad. And to top it off she said he raped her, but she had a sparkle in her when she talked about him, and he was a cop. She was not raped. I have learned she had affairs. But she couldn't tell me he was good guy, no, your dad was a rapist! And to top it all off, I had to take care of my abuser for twenty years! I know I didn't have to, so why did I! I started out to just say I relate to people who had moms who were negative about looks. I've got to get help!
Aw I’m sorry that happened to you. Your mom was really broken.
I helped my abusers for 42 years. CPTSD is a beast. That's why.
You help yourself now.
You put in enough of your energy for those who didn't deserve it. You're good! Don't feel guilt.
Btw, I've always thought that Celtic looking people were rare beauties. Freckles are like kisses from the stars and red hair always looks regal; a strong yet soft beauty like a sunset.
I'm so sorry for you, my sister was just like that, and I've been living with her helping with her children for a couple of years by my own will, my mother was sick and was absent most time. My father was depressed and workaholic. I left home, where my abusive sister lived as well, when I was around 26, and broke all contact at 32 when my father died. He was living with her and helping her until he got sick, and then she didn't want to take care of him and wanted me to do that, while I had a newborn baby. She got pissed when I said "NO" and thanks to that, I could see her for what she is.
But I still get entangled with self-absorbed people, bad work environments etc. It's the way I'm used to, but there's a change going on
Sharing this for educational purposes.
My whole life has been plagued by this "rejecting good people so I can live in fantasy" curse! Probably ever since I was a preteen, and I'm turning 28 now.
How did it all start?
-> Unintentional neglect and instability, lack of access to adults while having long-term exposure to danger I'd face alone in my early childhood
-> Due to this early experience I didn't have any interest in my peers before puberty. My best friend took all her insecurities on me and was very controlling. She became physically violent when I was 13 so I lost my only close friend when entering middle-school where I then got brutally bullied and rejected. (+ ex-bestie told everyone I was the mean one so I got hated for that too, called me a liar etc. So I learned early that I can't even make a boundary without ending up alone and told it makes me a bad person. (:
-> Between ages 13 - 19 I noticed there were some peers I was comfortable around and could be myself with. I should've made friends with them, but I didn't!! Or I kept them at an arm's length. Instead, I obsessed over acquaintances or even strangers that I felt intense CPTSD limerence for. I stayed in a friend group where I had no one truly close to me due to this limerence. Between ages 13-15 I spent all my time entirely alone because I just wanted to live in my imagination world where this one stranger who was nice to me a couple times is my soulmate or some bs. I knew it was delusional but could not change how I felt NOTHING for anyone else than them.
-> In early 20'ies I got in a bad relationship where I definitely felt devalued and judged 24/7 and for awhile this was the only person close to me in my entire life.
-> At 25+ I found myself with this same problem all over again... Extremely intense limerence and "love" for people who make me feel judged, criticised and devalued. No feelings at all for people who are good to me. I lost a good friend who was hurt by me prioritizing someone prickly over them. Again, prioritizing a non-existent fantasy over a real friend.
I still don't know how to fix this.
I'm trying to learn to prioritize myself in my own life and to view myself with genuine compassion and love, so perhaps I'd stop chasing that feeling in people I feel strip it away from me. Perhaps this work will help me love for real one day.
I'm so frustrated because I want to feel real, vibrant feelings. I want to feel excited and in love. But I only feel that for people who hate me and look down on me. Feeling real love feels completely impossible for me because outside of my limerence I'm basically completely flat and emotionless towards everyone. I care about people and want to show up for them but my feelings are not in it. I'm hollow. I can not love.
I feel so profoundly ill and broken because I've known this is an issue with me for years but feel powerless to change it. I prioritize good friendships now and try to avoid assholes, but even still... I can't feel anything. My life lacks any sense of meaning or love because nothing else can bring me the kind of joy than a mean and judgemental person giving me a compliment that I later find was a backhanded jab...
I believe this can change but for me, this is going to be really difficult and long. Also it makes me feel bad I can't tell good people I love them and actually mean it. I care and get worried and want their best but I'm just so empty inside all the time....
I cam understand his lack of trust firsthand as well... I wish both people nothing but the best as they both tackle their childhood issues...
100% he was dating someone in the room AND made up a lie in case mom heard something from the neighbors!!
But mom is very crazy and gets no pass. She’s certifiable.
No judgement, just something to be aware of yourself so you don't miss out on a really amazing guy. I hope it all works out for you!
Good Session: 💥fairy dust of compassion (Carl ✨Rogers); confrontation (Albert🔥 Ellis); Solution🚕Focused (DeShazaar). Can’t get 🍪 cookie carrot 🥕 from people who don’t got 🍪 cookie carrot 🥕 to give.
Plus, if you got it
It’s a plastic carrot.
That’s the Twitter version of your entire session
I approve
I’m sending this to some of my clients
Who are still trying to get that goddamn cookie or that stupid carrot
Dr. Fairly, some think that my dance crew doesn't care for me but most don't realize how we evolved together from the near beginning or at the very beginning in many fresh MOVEMENTS etc. etc. etc
OMG.. 😮I did that slept with a closed pin on my nose. I wanted my nose to look like my mother’s nose.
They attack us when we’re children to screw up us when we become adults and in between the growing stages we mess up a lot of important relationships subconsciously without understanding why.
Thank you! Glad I found your channel! Yes, parents and families hurt each other, children etc. That in and of itself is difficult to deal with now add cruel teachers or molesting Drs etc. In today's world children are in daycare from birth, in public schools which can be horrible and subjective to other abusive children all with absent parents now add drugs and abuse. God help our children! How does anyone survive. Thank you for sharing you healing. Amazing! Thank you!
This video is fantastic. Thank you for making it.
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Boy did I need to hear this thank you I dont talk about him to anyone ❤❤❤ realise now trauma based thank you
I would appreciate knowing which is a good free online twelve step programme 🙏🏻💕
Nearly 70. Poured my "love" (limerence), time, energy, resources into a black hole of a situationship that became emotionally abusive. Giving and over giving and chasing... And maybe now I get what I "wanted" and it sickens and scares me but it's all a bad habit and I seem not able to STOP. I'm sick when I contemplate being with him and sick when I am not connected with him.
Be careful what you wish for.
Sometimes I see him as a parasite, leaching off my life.
Sometimes I feel... Pity.
Sometimes my brain just hurts, and I feel so disconnected.
Sometimes when he calls it all seems "better", but not really.
I have options, but I don't want them
This is sickness.