Why You Didn't See The Red Flags
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- Опубликовано: 29 июн 2024
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When you're first dating someone, it can be easy ONLY to see what you love about them. If you grew up with abuse or neglect, you may have a blind spot where obvious signs of trouble are waving in your face, and the cost to your happiness can be devastating. In this "best of" compilation I include videos about some of the WORST partners out there -- and why we choose them, and why it's SO hard to leave.
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💔🔥❤️🩹❤️Anna! I must tell you and other viewers. Bc the little winged fairy you are. You gave me enough knowledge to give advice, and actually have my adult daughters coming to me for advice..🤩😆 THIS IS A BIG DEAL!! sAs a 45 yo with 4 daughters, whom have suffered themselves thru, Me as i lived untreated with severe C-Ptsd. I had no understanding of boundaries, allowed to be abused, and in and out of prison. Theses girls went thru it. As of sunday8-6-2023, my daughter has come to me and shared her problems with a 5 year relationship. The boy is not good to her, and my daughter has been working paying all bills, while bf stays home does what he wants. Its a rental that is under his moms name as they split the rent. So there is a power trip against my daughter, and at times had been forced to sleep outside in her car, and they both would get drunk , him and his mom, and taunt my daughter outside her car. She would have work in the morning. I never knew theses things were happening. When my daughters were young sadly learned mom is not emotionally available. As i was always chasing after a guy to love me. Today tho, i am grounded enough to help heal the damage i caused. ❤❤Anna ,i am able to help my daughter to see what YOU💔❤️🩹❤️🔥have taught me. I was able to listen to her, and then respond in a healthy way. Iam now capable to support and give my daughters tools. To heal, Anna, you are reaching people whom never even heard your name.. Anna ITS You thats changing this world one healing at a time. ..!!! 🎉❤🎉 Just when the after effects of C-Ptsd people that become parents..!! Clap clap clap for you.. HEALED ❤ PEOPLE ❤ HEAL❤
❤ PEOPLE !!!
Thank you for sharing your encouragement & progress. Our very best wishes to you & your daughters for your continued healing. Julie@TeamFairy
What a beautiful story. I also am leading my son out of the damage his dad and I caused. His recovery is the only wish I have. I felt so guilty initially. I now am empowered with what I have learned from youtube therapists. Carry on. Thanks Anna. "Healed people heal people". That's perfect! XXOO
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Yes, my sister's ex boyfriend used to go on and on about how his ex was "Crazy"...now he says my sister was also "crazy". He labels all ex's "Crazy" but HE is the crazy one
When men say this , I know they are usually lying.
this is a common manipulation tactic. he might be violent as well, look out for her.
edit: just noticed you wrote, ex.
@@villaineramatriarchy ....ahhhh, no. Not a good idea. My ex-husband's potential girlfriend contacted me YEARS after our divorce. Asking personal questions about our relationship. What the heck? What sane person would ever consider it a good idea to contact an ex-spouse to see if they are a good fit for them???? My response to her: "NO, this is a very inappropriate conversation and an invasion of my privacy. That chapter is closed in my life, and I don't want to relive it."
@@villaineramatriarchy this is terrible advice, it's an invasion of boundaries (the ex's ) , it also creates drama. If you feel the need to this, drop the guy. Don't create drama.
Don't forget has alcohol or drug issues, and steps out on him, etc. He's always the victim, am I right?
I ignored the flags and my gut.😭
Me too. It's the worst knowing better but it still happened.
I've been doing that all my life! 😢 I can understand your pain.
I also ignored the flags and Gut.
I have a question, back then, what did you know about c-PTSD and Narcissisme. It's easy to see how we would like it to work After, when having all the informations you didn't had then or not enough rooted!!
Pleace try to give you compation and don't lissen to the guilt voice who talks like the poeaple who hurt you!!
"It's not you", a book from Dr. Ramani, I suggest to have, it's a 500 paiges book...
I can find the way back to life and I feel I do. I ❤️ The smel of grasse and the smel of conifers, I know now why I ❤️ them, it's because of a chimical that calms the stress.
I had a dream in with I was loosing blood out of my nose but like under pressure and I met a women who told me that I needed a conifers transfusion !!
I had that dream around 20 years ago and it gives a strong message for now and why I feel closer through the leafs than the trunk 🙌
I feel more and more plaisir and that's the best signes that I HEAL !!!
Thank you 💘☺️ all
❤️ to belong to this Amazing moovement, I feel proud in a healthy way and ok with me, self ❤️. Without self ❤️ I coulden't do the work I do and open my self again to others with care 🙏👋🕯️♾️
@@yeikes I know and I don't... I ❤️ when 🧚 sais that I'm a natural person in an unatural situation 🙏💕🧚
"Thank you, other girl, for existing." -- When I found out my ex had cheated (I found out after I left him), I called one of the affair partners and thanked her for removing any remaining doubt I had, and let her know he had been lying to both of us. It felt like a very powerful moment. :)
Poking holes into condoms / “stealthing” is actually a form of sexual assault, not just abuse. If you don’t consent to something sexually, it’s sexual assault. The women’s husband sexually assaulted her.
Silly question, but wouldn’t a condom just break and split open if someone made holes in it?
Yep. In Victoria, Australia it is actually a crime. The laws make clear that “stealthing” - the removing, tampering with, or not using a condom without consent - is a crime. It's rape.
@@SG-wx8zm Not always.
@@SG-wx8zmthat’s the point. They act like it’s an accident when in fact they compromised it.
Not "just" sexually assaulting, which is often considered a broader category that includes lesser things too in addition to rape... it's rape.
Oh my goodness. Halfway through minute 6 when you mentioned the abandonment, someone always leaving you waiting on them, ughhh. I used to wait for my mother to pick me up from school for at least 45 minutes almost every single day. Eventually, when my brother was going to the same school as I, we would just start walking in the direction of home after school let out and our mother would pick us up wherever she saw us on the main road. It kept us from boredom and listening to screaming kids, also the after hours teachers wouldn't have to leave multiple messages on the answering machine. Once we were nearly to the end of that main road before she showed up. To this day, I don't know why a stay-at-home mother had to run multiple errands every day, or why they had to be run at the time that school let out. Sorry to go on like this, geez. I just remember feeling so intensely forgotten almost every single day out of 180 days in a school year.
Your mother was completely thoughtless to do that to you 😢
This is a safe place. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this with us. I would feel similarly in the same situation. Just wondering why can’t the parent prioritize picking up their children on time in lieu of whatever miscellaneous errands? It wouldn’t feel great as the child not being picked up on time.
When I was in kindergarten my mother was struggling with intense postpartum depression, after my youngest sister was born with Down’s Syndrome. She would sometimes arrive at pickup very late, most times crying with the struggle of it all. She eventually got the right support, but before that happened there was plenty of time for me to be completely insecure and unsure of her love for me. One day I I asked her if she was crying because she didn’t love me anymore. It was such a vulnerable time. Thankfully, my father was present and played both roles for a while.
I don’t wonder anymore why I chose the most unavailable or unhealthy partners for a long while.
Your messages and education have helped me see and heal.
I can look back and have so much compassion for us all.
Thank you so very much.
Sounds like she might have been keeping company with someone or was just so self absorbed in her errands she didn't think it mattered. My mom would run into people at the store and end up talking for 20-30 minutes while we waited in the car with the Littles. She'd finally come out all happy and smiles, we'd be hot, hungry and have to pee
We totally get you and we totally feel with you. My mom and dad used to forget picking me up from kindergarden..I was always the last child present and the caretaker just took me with her when she had finished her job to stop by my grandmas house to drop me off (she was very annoied by this, but still very sweet with me)...I know exactly what it feels like and many other do, too...the waiting, the wishing, the wishful thinking...the inner explaining why they were not able to be there at all...we were not able to do something back then, but we can do something about our lives now.
I’m in a marriage that’s crumbling. I relate to SO many of the examples you’ve shared and TOO many red flags. I’m at a point where I now recognize my cptsd had contributed to bad communication that has caused a lot of mistrust. I don’t know where to draw the line to what’s my fault or his fault. He doesn’t take blame for anything and gets extremely mean with his words where I make innocent mistakes like forgetting to tell him we’re out of milk at night when our son likes to drink milk in the morning and I get a string of angry text messages about how I suck how I make his life crappy. But then he’ll drop little nuggets of I love you, your beautiful, you do so much, but then a day later if I have a milk incident it’s just really nasty on his end even when I try to apologize for it. I keep going back and forth on divorce but I keep telling myself if I fix my cptsd and everything that I get blamed for that will solve it. He thinks I don’t care and how I’ve put up walks but at the same time he doesn’t want to hear my feelings so
I stay silent. I have no friends, I’m only around his family which as good as they are I can’t trust 100% for fear it will get back to him. I tried the daily writing ritual of writing out my fears and he catches me writing and wants to read it when I tell him it’s private he asks if it’s about him and I tell him no then gets mad on why I won’t tell him and and I should be focused on something else. My abusive mom and sister called him controlling early in our relationship and I didn’t want to believe it.. now I’m afraid they were right. Commenting on these videos is the only place I feel safe to talk because I’m anonymous in a sea of people. I wish everyone a happy life and if you got this far reading this I greatly appreciate you hearing my story ❤
I'm glad you are here and finding the channel a safe haven. I'm also really glad you are doing the Daily Practice. You're right, your DP writing is private! Be sure to tear it up after you write your release/remove statement so it stays that way. He ought to be encouraging your DP if it helps you. You're probably getting emails about the free Zoom calls that come w/ DP; please join us if you can! You also need some in-person support and friends. If you don't have anyone in your life, an option Anna mentions frequently as 12-step fellowships. If you have CPTSD you almost certainly qualify for ACA -- Adult Children of Alcoholics and Other Dysfunctional Families. Maybe CoDa, some others, too. They have meetings both in person and online. Stay strong, keep doing your DP so you can get clarity about what to do about the marriage. Please be safe. You are always welcome to check out our courses and membership on the CCF website, www.crappychildhoodfairy.com.
Julie@TeamFairy
I think I could've written this myself. Know you're not alone. Know that we can heal.
This is what ended me up in IOP. Living in something while concurrently mourning it; actions vs values get sketchy. I just noticed while writing this: Boundaries don’t deal in blame. For what it’s worth.
A LOAN IS DEFINITELY A RED FLAG! My borderline personality disorder partner asked me immediately for a loan to cover his debts. Stupidity I gave it to him. Never paid me back
Big big red flag & my big struggle. creates big resentments that codependents struggle greatly with
Why are you still with this partner?
@@VenusRadha it's called an enmeshed situation. When there two many shared projects to get out easily. I see now that this may have been on purpose. Not necessarily consciously, but definitely entrapment.
Same
I learned to say no years ago thankfully. Haven’t healed everything though
I absolutely cannot trust myself to choose a healthy relationship..3 marriages 3 divorces and a string of bad situationships.. so I’ve chosen to stay single for the last decade and I’m learning to be ok with that.. it’s lonely but it’s probably safer than a relationship. I’m too broken
Why not see a therapist?
I am in therapy since I turned 18. And I feel the same given my relationship choices (never got married, never got kids tho... feels sad that I am too broken for that, but maybe it's better for me and potential kids
"Kissing opens the great big door to the sex house".....yup! This is why commitment to yourself (and God and others) to WAIT..is huge. Accoutability, the commitment, the promise, etc? Soooo important because yes! Kissing is arousing. And it's hard to turn off what the body wants..the urge to merge! You explain in a way many will learn from as it's often connected with "religiosity"....just so happens, the faith is right, but...a lot can't handle that at this time/point. You are a gem. A blessing to many! I already knew that point and part which is why I'm not divorced, as I'm not married as I was able to see the red flags stat, because I kept it pure. VERY underrated advice and as a nurse who saw a looooot of STDs over the decades? Yup, healthier too. No man is worth WARTS or pregnancy that regardless of the outcome (abortion, adoption, parenting -- ALL hard), it's life changing. Thinking with the right head....and for his too!
I wosh i had recieved the wisdom you give 51 years ago. I'm 70 yrs old and it is never too late to begin the REAL process of healing. I've gone to psychiatrists and therapists for probably 30 years off and on and never felt that i hot to the core of my issues. I didn't even know what CPTSD was! I feel like a door has opened and light is finally shining on me. I truly can not thank you enough.
Glad you are here! If you haven't already, try Anna's Daily Practice. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
When I was dating as a young woman, I am 46 now, if they didn't call me, I would call them bc I was afraid they were going to forget about me
I was always afraid they were going to forget that I existed and they would move on,
so I had to call them to remind them I was there.
I was extremely needy and clingy, I would hold onto them so tight that they would run away
My heart goes out to you. I've been there too.
Awwwwwwwwwww
We completely understand. -Calista@TeamFairy
❤
I would love for you to create another video on the topic of: Losing people as a result of becoming secure.
I have found that some friendships seem to fall away, dating changes (folks flee or don't feel attraction where they previously have), and it can lead to a very peculiar flavour of isolation. Finding compatibility with other people feels more complex now, and there is a kind of grief for those left behind.
👏👏👏I second this.
I fully agree re: ' flavour of loneliness' 👍🏾 being awakened feels terrifying, and that harms my authenticity at times because I'm scared I'll not be loved w/o people-pleasing etc. It's a process, with no guaranteed results our lives will get better. So all I'm left with at the moment is blind faith & conviction 😅
@@elipotter369 this is good advice! Thank you 🙏🏾
When you make big changes, you will go into a loneliness zone for a season before you get your new and better relationships up and coming. Find some clubs or classes to take to help with this sensation
Yes. THIS.
Go to school, and enjoy it!
Take her free course.
Learn to heal!
I was one who saw the "red flags" but dismissed them as not applying to me. Both my husbands had tempers and would get into fights but I never expected to be on the receiving end of their anger issues. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sorry you went through that. I understand.
Julie@TeamFairy
Put yourself on a sabbatical a time out to dating so you can heal and grow!
It's not your fault.
Know this.
Growing up i never heard i love you like EVER. Something i noticed in adulthood is that my toxic partners would say they loved me very very soon. I noticed they did this instead of taking me on dates ( it was easier and cheaper lol) but It made me like putty in their hands. This is how i ended up losing everything. He took and took from me until i had nothing. I never wanted the love to end. All ive ever wanted was to be loved and cherishe. But once i was drained of everything he left and i was discarded and abandoned yet again 😢
So sad. Healing from it. Don’t give up❤
I’m sorry you never heard “I love you” growing up. I cant even imagine that. Say it to yourself a lot. It helps. ❤
A lot of us are actually the opposite....bc of abusive parents we are keenly aware of red flags. I see through the fake nice guys more than other women. They think I'm just a h8r...but, they don't see the signs...they're blinded him saying and doing all the right things..
saying and doing all the right things is not a red flag, saying and doing the wrong things would be the red flag.
I always see the red flags right away. I just ignore them. Try to fix them. It never ever works. :/
Related to the “bad treatment” of waitresses/cashiers/etc. Is the sickeningly sweet treatment of waitresses/cashiers/etc. Almost (or actually) flirting with them. Your date HAS to be seen by others as “All that”. King of the world! The BEST customer! The “friendliest”!! Etc. [SO narcissistic! It’s NOT going to end well if you go forward in these relationships. They’re manipulating the waitress; and they’re trying to pull one over on you!]
Emotional blow hot blow cold, mixed signals, threat of abandonment, saying things that aren’t acted upon, all apply to friendships, parents and adult children, angry at setting boundaries…
So it’s helpful to have videos for other meaningful friendships parental relations
14:00 in and I got called out. I also love that she speaks to the listener about being the red flag... I have been a red flag more than once. I love that she will press her audience to reflect on their own behaviors that they need to manage and be mindful of how we treat ourselves and react to others. Healing our minds so we have a more inherent understanding of how to navigate relationships. Learning tools so as to help others that live with C-PTSD and most may be completely different from our traumas.
Or someone incapable of experiencing normal range of emotions (numbs himself, avoids, dissociates). Just said good bye to someone who has a ton of work to do to be emotionally there and available
what drew you to him. did he seem in touch with his emotions in the beginning...?
@@ebbyc1817 the beginning for most is a superficial experience. Not delving deep. But there was a red flag I missed. Learning to question the “small voice” that whispers huh? I’m getting quicker and quicker knowing what won’t serve the growth I’ve put time into. I will say dissociation is very quiet.
@@ebbyc1817 also he had great manners, family centered, many good qualities blended with a ton of unhealed early and later trauma
@@meg01968 I used to describe people (friends) like this ", smart, responsible...." until one day someone asked me, what does that have to do with how they make you feel ?
I remember feeling like a deer in headlights, like: "huh??" I had never once considered how I felt interacting with this person as a criteria for whether I should continue interacting with them or not.
That was years ago. Since then I still get caught up in friendships/relationships where I fail to notice that I actually don't like the person until several weeks, months down the line.
Maybe starting with how we feel first, is the key. It sounds simple, but it's harder than you think.
Just ordered the Pete Walker book, and thank you for the recommendation. I've got books on limerence, attachment styles, addiction, all the issues of my life, except this one. I'm chiefly motivated for now by a desire to fully overcome limerence towards a married man who sent me overwhelming signals, although we avoided temptations to get physical. I practice no contact, and our rare meetings (small town) are warm but polite. I forgive us both, given our individual situations. I think he was wrongly responding to a rough patch in his marriage, and I was painfully lonely after my beloved mate's death. Meanwhile I got red flags (starting with his being MARRIED - cue sirens and flashing lights), and I'm still unwilling to look directly into that glare. I need to practice it, now.
Wonderful warm words, thank you so much! I am in the same spot, different circumstances and are working intensly on overcoming my limerance! That is the key for a better life, a true, loving, caring relationship, without the drama, the ups and downs and so on. We can do this. Wish you well and good fortune!
You got this! We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you!
Hugs
Stay strong ❤
No 2nd chances for these types. Lesson that took way too long to learn. But better late than never.
I'm so ashamed of my past crap fitting life. Treatment for depression cleared it up. I can't seem to forgive myself.
You have to try to forgive yourself. You were trying to survive. Now you can thrive 🤗
The one with the messed up ex-boyfriend needs to run away from him! He could become a true stalker and then physically abusive, which could lead to murder. Many stories of women being hurt and in most extreme cases, murdered, by someone like this guy. Calls from multiple numbers is a way to control someone and unnerve them as well. Run away and never look back. He’s a creep, and that’s saying it nicely. I wouldn’t let a piece of garbage near that guy!!
Yeah but as someone enmeshed in a relationship with a diagnosed seriously mental borderline personality disorder who has wrecked me physically, emotionally and financially hell yeah I talk about what he did. I'm not looking for a relationship because it will take me a while to get out of this one but it isn't always a red flag that someone talks about their ex in terms of only negatives. Sometimes people have been traumatized and victimized.
She didn't say it was wrong to talk about what your ex did, just that when you are still in that stage of having to talk about it a lot and with a lot of emotion, you're not ready for a new relationship.
@@beverleymacca4737 yes👍. Thanks.
Honestly, I find your posting of two separate comments about this borderline personality partner that has wrecked you physically, emotionally and financially, as a giant red flag in itself.
@@ebbyc1817 It truly is, but I think the victim acting is so part of us, that it really takes a while to understand, that YOU let someone else do this to you, right? No offence, because I just did find out about my own loving position of somehow always being the victim and fingerpointing at others, always. Until it dawnded on me, that it was actually still my victim mode running...I never noticed, that life had progessed for more than 30 or more years and that I do not need to be the victim of someone or something (circumstances) anymore. THAT is very empowering and eye opening at the same time and yeah, borderliners are no fun to be with, but neither is it to be with chronically victim players (as I used to be). I wish us all the best of energy to heal, forgive and progress to a better version of ourselfes.
@@beverleymacca4737🎯🎯🎯
I wish I knew any of this decades ago. At age 60, I have been damaged by therapists who forced me to relive trauma. I have been prey to date rapists, manipulators, control freaks, etc. The worst thing is, I have bosses that are callous, selfish liars. I have and continue to make all these mistakes. I don’t even know what my “best me” is. I don’t know why I keep trying to heal. 😢
Sad you had to face all these instances of pain....stick with this wonderful channel and try doing the practice....you still have time for a really lovely life experience 😊😊
Things can get better one step at a time. Try Daily Practice. bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Julie@TeamFairy
I have crap fitted my whole life. Now I'm old ...
🙏
@@MainHouse-kf3tb yes but you can teach others.
Well... Sometimes it really is confusing when there is a lot of flirtation going on and tons of attention from another person... And easy to fall in love too fast if you aren't used to this... Then you do feel like you sort of need to hide your feelings... You don't trust the situation and the too fast stuff is a red flag in itself... Richard Grannon has a video about the nice narcissist... He talks about how this type can even have empathy... But you are still a means to an end... Rather than a true human being... To this sort... At some point... It just comes down to you being yourself.. even if it seems to end a friendship or other kind of relationship... And then if someone can't handle your imperfections... They likely don't really care for you anyway...
I remember these and absolutely loved these videos! I giggled when you asked about "catching feelings" its a slang popular term. I caught feelings or catching feelings, but it is funny when you think of it like catching a disease! 😅
It IS Dr. Seuss!!! But it was written by PD Eastman. Eastman, a protégé and colleague of Theodor Geisel (pen name Dr. Seuss), wrote many books for children in his own distinct style. He worked with the Dr. Seuss brand of Random House, many of which were in the Beginner Books series. BTW... your references & cute little jokes, and giggles are adorable and it also brings a "human" characteristic and existance to the narrative of CPTSD. I am extremely grateful for you and what you do. One day I will tell you my story so you can understand how formidable the work that you do has had in my healing. So thank you. Much love to you. Cheers.
Thanks for sharing this! I'm so glad the channel has been helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I identify so much with Star’s situation. That was pretty much what happened 30 years ago, but your words explain the dynamics so well! Thank you.
Yes...even all these years later, the explanation is helping me to heal and forgive my own self condemnation...thank you Anna so very very much ❤❤❤❤
Dont crapfit yourselves to an insomniac who doesnt have healthy amounts of sleep (and/or uses Adderall and/or alcohol) Trust me, just run, fast and far!!
What can one do if they were abused by a narcissistic parent well into adulthood and now is being faced with divorce from a narcissistic partner who has total control in the relationship? No friends, no able/trustworthy support, kids to consider.
They chose divorce over therapy.
From personal experience: My ex of 23 years turned my entire family against me by getting them to feel sorry for him. He exploited my religion against me for requesting the divorce. Only my mom and eventually my dad supported me. My kids lost my entire extended family. The ex didn’t care. It is possible to get through but it’s going to be hard and a major rollercoaster. DO NOT trust your ex at all. I had no idea how depraved and cruel my ex could be, shocking. Do not expect any honesty or civility. Protect yourself and hopefully get a lawyer and a therapist for support if you can afford it. Don’t tell him your plans, as this will be a chess game, no holds barred from the narc. Be sure to eat right, take care of yourself. Get medication if you need it. It will be hard, but eventually it gets better and you will come into your own self. Get books on divorcing a narc, codependency and healing. It’s going to be hard to see this person you were married to as your enemy (his choice) and that possibly he doesn’t even know what love is. You got this, just buckle your seatbelt ❤Oh and eventually certain members saw him for his real self and relationships have been restored with them.
First divorce, second therapy, third: get the life you want and derserve by working hard on yourself.
Yay! The narcissist is dping you a favor removing that stress from the rest of your life. Please seek support from a Womens support centre, who can provide legal, family, financial, counselling and emergency accomodation support. Do not tell the soon-to- be -ex ANYTHING about these appointments or your plans. Ensure you have a new separate bank account and put money in it, whatever you can. Maybe change all your personal, financial, phone, media passwords....Good luck!!! Get yourself free for happier days ahead. You can get through this.
"Just do what I did. It's that easy." That's my sister. Every time. When my romantic relationship was going through a really rough patch recently (two people with CPTSD getting together in their forties is tricky). My sister recounted a story of how easily she rejected an abusive boyfriend when she was eighteen and how she didn't understand why I couldn't just have the "self respect" to get away. It was a) a complete oversimplification of my situation and b) ignored the fact that by the time I was eighteen years old, I had been sexually assaulted and raped multiple times, beginning around age 11. It ignored the fact that my core attachment injury from my family of origin (including my resentfully parentified sister) put me in a vulnerable position so that by the time I was 11, I was playing the "cool girl" and going along with inappropriate behavior out of fear of rejection, and when I sprouted size D breasts at that age, the attention I was suddenly receiving from older boys and men (but not boys my own age - that's a whole other set of rejection issues) was something I didn't know how to process, and I didn't have a supportive enough family system to talk to anyone about it. I developed a reputation after that and just learned to turn off my own feelings and brain and just let people do whatever they were going to do to me. I learned they were going to say that I had, anyway. You can only imagine the kind of messy life that has led to. Abusive, unsatisfying relationships in every area of life. I am forty years old with no deep connections and a very circumspect relationship with my family. I've done a lot of healing work and made some really important behavioral changes, but the dismissive treatment from my family, most especially my sister, pulls me right back into that pre-verbal abandonment panic every time.
Talks that I should have heard years ago ! You are helping so many people, thank you.
😮 You have described me and my issues, current issues perfectly and IT'S SO SCARY! But thank you. When I have more time I will write my story but in the interim I will just continue to grow and learn from your helpful advice. And thank you for your humor. It makes ir easier to accept when you are being tough because you have to.
You speak the language I struggle to acquire, Anna. Thank you for making sense and articulating what my experiences were and are 💝You are a gift to me.
I agree!
Psychopath to the max.
He is trying to get you into his web.
You're young, and easy to manipulate.?
You see?
That is why bad people focus on young people.
Because they don't know better.
Go to school.
Just observe.
No dating.
Just observe.
Learn to be friends with guys and girls first.
Work on you and this channel is awesome!
Great advice.❤
Thank you , you describe the situations perfectly , if I had known that before when was young ,I would skip so many pain ... ignorance is probably the worst thing can happen to a person.
Wowww!! Thank you, Anna! I learned so much!!...& I've so much MORE to learn!!
Thank you very much, very good thoughts and advices!
I love this one. Such good advice. Wish I heard it a decade ago.
My father just passed away and I am so thankful for your help🙏 I am 44 and have tried everything i’ve been working through P Walker’s book for the past three years so far. I am thankful that I found you 🙌
I ❤ when you 🧚say that I'm a normal person in an abnormal situation ! Say it often to my self and others of your teaching. I feel like you hold my hand 🙏
I love that. Hugs!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairythank you 💕🧚🍀
My loved healer and teaching 💕
You Make it possible for me too bracke free from c-PTSD, befor final healing. Can learn to live with, such good new
Another spot on video. I can so relate to being perceived as spineless and of finding that talking about traumatic experiences makes thing worse.
Not only a loan. My now ex boyfriend talked me into letting him put his new to him truck in my name, which of course meant the insurance was in my name. Turns out he had a recent DUI and was hiding it from me, in addition to his ex wife's lifetime restraining order for DV. And of course insurance through me was way cheaper.
Oh I'm so sorry to hear that! -Calista@TeamFairy
On our first dinner date he showed me 3 red flags. I should have got up and left the restaurant but I was so lacking in self esteem and lacking in boundaries that I continued the date. I ended up marrying him! As I walked down the aisle I had these words going over and over in my head “beggars can’t be choosers”. I was 52 yrs old, never married, and thought that with enough love and enough God we could make it work. And now I’m in a sad non-marriage, he’s now an invalid from a medical incident, and I carry all the burden of running the home, working, making all the financial decisions. His adult kids are nowhere to be seen. I’m now 60 and grieving all the lost hopes and dreams.
I bet you his asshole kids will show up when your husband passes away. DON'T GIVE THEM A DAMN THING.
I LOVE YOU :) Anna ❤❤❤ The gentle way you explain things - grateful to be part of your community
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What a great video! I get so much from listening to you…thank u!!!
It is so good to know why I behave the way I do. I grew up with a narc parent. I am working on setting boundaries as an adult but I am very awkward. You have offered me hope I am so grateful for your videos thank you.
I'm so glad you're here, there is hope and we're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
loads of love and gratitude dear fairy
I am watching this thrice a day for a week,like an antibiotic course,so help me god😅❤
I am challenging myself to just be friends with girls and guys namely learning to be friends with guys is important because if you can't be a friend to a guy then how could you ever be a lover right? So I've been on a sabbatical where I'm just learning and growing and I think that it's important that we allow ourselves times to be friends and if the guy is throwing a fit or stomping his feet up and down her complaining or being a jerk or being an a****** because you're not giving out or put out then that's your cue to leave. All you're doing right now at your age is shopping you're looking observing and shopping around because you are at the one time of your life that's crucial if you make a bad decision on who you're going to be with your with the rest of your years will beif you go slow and you learn and take your time and get to be friends and really give yourself a chance to for both of you to fall in love you know when you fall in love with somebody you fall in love with the little quirks that they do in the funny little things they say and how are you going to ever find those things out if you just have a sex relationship right? So it's really really important to give yourselves time to just get to know each other and see if you can kill time with each other and see if you can go on those walks and go on the museum all of God is important and if you can't handle being with each other during those quirky times then it's not the right person and it's super easy to just shut the door and go on to the next and you're not doing you're not having sex with everybody you're just having a friendship if the guys can't handle a friendship then obviously that's not the right one
Also! Really appreciate your suggested phrasing to be honest with someone you're in love with, to let them know you're not a friend. I may never see the married guy again, and my absence already says what I want to say. But IF I bump into him again, I'll say something along the lines of, "You'll understand that I need to avoid your attention from now on if I see you: I wanted to be your friend, but I like you WAY too much. Nothing I've tried changes it, so I wish you well."
Yes I would definitely say that guy who said he was splitting to help his partner but wouldn't cut contact is a recycling narcissist... he got what he wanted and was ready to move on to another but wants you there in his harem so to speak . I've been with two guys like this and went through years of terrible pain because of it... One was violent and both were dangerous in some way and they only become more and more abusive the longer you stick around... Please break free and heal.. learn all you can about how and why this happened to you heal heal heal.... Learn about red flags and push people like this out of your life before they get their hooks into you... Knowledge is power .. 💕💕💕💕
Yes!!! Therapy had me stuck for years and emotional flashbacks wow! Everything I’ve felt but not ever able to articulate
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I really appreciate your advice!!
i would buy an 'ex cool girl' shirt in a heartbeat!!
11:32 "You're asking for the pain" is one that irks me as well. I haven't found that to be true for me or my sisters who have a tendency to get into abusive relationships.
This is SO helpful. Thank you!
I'm so glad it was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for helping me be aware of crap fitting❤
I did feel the same, like I'm a child and he's a parent... I know that feeling too well, it hurts 🔥
Another great video. I love that you recommended Richard Grannon, he's brilliant. His video's helped me through a narcissistic relationship. God bless you and your family.
The DAILY PRACTICE DOES ROCK 🍀💕
Agreed! Saved my life.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy like mine!! And the story You shared, what happed when you stopped.
Did a promesse never to stop, at least 10 min meditation 1 time a day, every day.
Helps me to make it my most important ressource and for strong fondations too build on it and than it becomes dangerous to think that we don't need to work on the fondations any more.
Did loose eanough Time and health. Don't want to do that mistak.
For the long terme, I want a small Fairy tatoo in the inside of my wrist, to remember my promesse that I Will practice, like I would with insuline . 🤗💓😙🙏😁
Oh, I spent MANY YEARS paying the price for my son's dad.
Wow fairy. You just game a very very important piece of information! Please tell us more on the emotional processing until processing death. Im guilty of this! It was tough for one ex partner. I was sooo invalidated as a kid that I go crazy when I dont get the level of validation that I want from my partners. Please tell us more on it and how to heal from it. I feel like its tourment for everyone involved. Once a partner told me when I get like this is all about me and my emotions and the other one is not even seen
Shayen, you have a real chance for the life you want and you can Choose.
Think that if you do writte to the Fairy 🧚🍀💕 you want IT and think you'll make it, you worth it 🙏💕♾️😁☀️ you so young and have a clarity I didn't had at your age.
I'm 53 and must admit that I feel like my life was stollen from me. For the first time in human history Narcissisme is on the table and no one can stop us from dissection it💪🧚🤘💯💖
Appreciate this video, brings awareness when as a child set up for crap.
It's breaking the ruminating, upset, going round in circles trying to figure out the crap, when it's crap, crap is crap.
I can't fix crap, I can't control crap
I need to stop being a nijar!!!!
Much love ❤
????
I found it sooo helpful!!!!
You are amazing Anna God bless you
Also don’t think it’s not a red flag for how they treat their mother or father. Also the behavior they have with other family members of theirs - that’s how they will treat you. Whether they put family members down or dismiss their emotions. How they speak to them in general - respectful or not. Don’t miss that
Totaly like a nightmare, you say it much better than I can, now.... Had exactly that image of it and naming it helps to see the difference Between reality and the nightmare 🧚💕🙏 such a big change of view, night and day difference 🧚🍀💕🙏😀 WOW ❤️
Me, Zen 😺❤️ and you all worthy survivors and because I like you I can't not like me.
Helps me like magic to love me because you'r lovable 🙏💕❤️
It's an Amazing change in my life I try to reach since decades and NOW your Work mixed with mine does work toogether and it's like you show me the peaces of the puzzle I coulden't reconaze as belonging to it, I have them but their where mixed with missbelives and foogy.
You are life changing amazing
Anna I'm really enjoying your message. I just caught something that is driving me insane that you said. That people will probably make statements like he's a covert narcissist. I'm wondering does it seem like everybody's gotten on the narcissist bandwagon without real Define Criterium? I do
Oh my God, talking about past sexual experiences just resounded so much, I always felt silly for being bothered about this. I think if you like someone you would not talk about this.
The words you are saying ?
He is exactly what I'm saying.
STAY CLEAR FROM HIM!
BAD DOG!!
I encourage the young woman that has dealt with Cancer to see if she can get Social Security Disability Income if the Cancer causes her to be disabled... Then she would never have to see him again,have a fairly steady income,and use all of her efforts to heal herself through Therapy,CODA,Support Groups and Hobbies...
The cake is a lie. ;) Thanks, lady!
These are so insightful. I also am wary now of men who are v invested in women who have obvious father wounds(v dependent on male validation in unhealthy ways esp displaying a lot of promiscuity front and centre),not blaming the women they need love and genuine encouragement as individuals but these 'feminist' men are often looking to capitalise on vulnerability.
Forced pregnancy .....was.the term I discovered....
I’ve watched multiple videos great content experience tools shared.
They cover mainly dating romance partner etc. however cptsd manifests in many key relationships, like mother and adult children, close friendships, neighbours that are main support system these days; and cause unlimited impact mostly adverse when one or other or both have cptsd.
Cptsd causes deep impacts for lack of availability, abandonment, need for healing, and very often many may not be ready to attach, attachment in many countries may be customary, and not everyone wants such relationships but they still need Deep attachment, nuturing, reciprocating caring and meaningful deep societal or personal support.
The key I wish for is that content for relationships other than dating romantic etc could be covered, as many things of romantic dating don’t apply here and many many other aspects apply here.
Thanks ever sooooo much for listening and consideration. ❤
When I had your age I'm too ashamed to say what I did let go through, juste for "him" not to leave, even if I didn't care that much, it was stronger than me and I went fast too lonlyeness and alcool for social life....
I wish i would have found you 2 years ago before i met the worst person ever.
Do not want to be with him. He's the kind that will have you have his babies and then he'll call the 911 and saying that you're a drunk alcoholic when a really you're just baking cookies with your kids but he makes the phone call and it goes on your record and after about five of those then he ends up getting to take the kids from you after the course then end up with no kids and no house and no nothing he lend up homeless after you've had your babies with them and he'll take him away I've seen it happen already too many times
This was so validating. Relationship blamong.
I Definately has cptsd 😮
You're in the right place! -Calista@TeamFairy
One time on a date this young somali punk came into the restaurant and started demand the owner give him money for no reason. When he got in her space and almost got physical with her I EXPLODED on him. He cowered in the corner for a bit till i demanded he get out (sounded like the demon in Amityville Horror). He ran terrified. I hope he never went back. That poor woman probably got harassed a lot in that location. The guy probably saw that as a red flag in me but i should have seen that as a red flag in him. We were the only ones in the restaurant. Who else was going to stand up for her? Not the wimp I was dating!
Anna, do you have any resources on "Processing Death", or overprioritizing emotional processing in relationships? That concept really struck a chord with me, but it's impossible to search those terms-- just comes back grief counseling.
The Daily Practice techniques I teach the wholesome way to move through bad feelings. "Processing death" becomes a thing of the past. The course is free: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
1:30:23 it's like people don't get that labeling doesn't help anything. And who are people to diagnose everyone narcissists. Normally labeling is kind of trauma symptom itself. Better focus on what can be done. What's in your power to affect.
How do I mention cptsd to my therapist? She’s not a bad therapist, I feel like she just doesn’t understand my thinking. She keeps telling me to reframe my thoughts etc. that does not help me
Make your needs known. If they are not acknowledged, then change for a different person. This applies to all relationships, friendships, therapist, romantic partner,.... Never expect another person to read your mind or know what you need without expressing it.
I was trying to find a good therapist in my city and noted that *all* therapists and counsellors put "narcissistic abuse" or similar in their tags so they pop up on search engines, and say they provide counselling for ".." . However, when I went over their credentials, I discovered they were not studied at all. I found and subscribed to Dr. Ramani and Dr. Carter. They are true experts in the field and can actually provide services through their network to help "you". That said, their channels have *so much* to provide immediate relief. Anna's channel and techniques to process triggers has rounded my journey perfectly. Editing to say, I find Anna's channels is more progressive in pulling me forward or living in the here and now, rather than having me unpack and reprocessing the trauma.
You maybe crap fitting to a less than ideal therapist as well. Maybe one that is familiar with traumatic childhoods might help.
1:28:08 agreeing to hookup for men is off-putting, also having sex is for woman creating chemicals, that is why women are saying that they are falling for someone, like Anna said bonding. That is why women need to wait in order to create different connection first so that man have also created some kind of attraction, different from sexual.
That's typical narcissime, non sens said like it's the TRUTH... Your needs are not the problem, but they are dangerous for him, you are Strong and he wants you week. Like pushing some one not to eat ( would not wonder me that he'll come with stuff around what you eat) it's about contrôle, make you feel crazy. Short he will pretend you are the one Who's manipulatif, lissen of what he accuses you to do, often it's what he does! That's interessting to know him 🤔 👑
The guy I was seeing, early on, I felt was always telling me about his various sexual conquests, almost like he was trying to impress me, let me know how sexually experienced he was.
Ok I get it, there where the suicidel thoughts come from, or wanting to deasaper,or never borne... I get that feeling when some one realy don't like me and shows it clearly that they want me to go.... It hurts more than normal, what do I care? I don't, but the pein is there.
I won't stay in this tipe of situation now, I have work to do and can't afford that. Ok 🧚💕
Freya, That's a fool a dangerous one, flips from one side to an other.
I would hold a strong no contact because I would feer, the way he behaves, that he is a stalker matirial. Would not take that risk even if I'm rong, he's not worthy and looks dangerous for me...
Take care of you Freya, YOU 💕 worth it for Shure
It's horrible 😢
im just a villain thats assimilating normal people knowledge
I'm not ready at all for a romantic relation... And I'm fine on my own for the first time in my life 🎉
I learn to make friends and not the spaghetti way
Oh they did. They were probably not feeling physically well.