DR. Allison's advice in this video is very good. And believable. The Frustrating part of Boundaries is.....if it were a stranger, someone at work, or even a friend....none of those are as hard as setting a boundary with FAMILY. Yes, there will be resistance. Yes, we need to hold firm or it isnt really a boundary. But what do you do (with Family) when...you set a boundary and now all of a sudden: You are "power-tripping" You are selfish you are "inconsiderate" you are "freaking out" you are being fanatical "it's no big deal" iiiiii wouldn't set this boundary with *you* Don't let it bother you You're being rude to others These are the kinds of things that get said over small things (then they should be easy!) like: You WILL be playing your music in your own car when they are riding with you! (no one forced them. Your house, your rules. Same in your car)---OR--- Take your shoes off when and leave them by the front door when you come into my house....OR--- No Smoking in my house.....and they say all those things. Or your family now considers you "weird" and you feel half-ostracized. I had a close relative light up a cigarette in my place and I told him "No smoking" and he totally ignored me and said: Aww, hell. We're family. Open a window. It's very maddening. But would most folks really end a family relationship over a cigarette? Still, I'm within my rights. But Dr. Allison is right
1. Do not set a boundary, if you’re not willing to hold it 2. Expect resistance (if the addict seems to like the boundary, that’s probably not a healthy boundary) 3. Its going to get worse before it gets better 4. Keep your future self in mind (happier, more sane, reduce toxic relationships, increase your feeling of self worth) 5. Acknowledge what you WILL do (be flexible in a way that don’t break the boundary) This video is so important, I’ll keep this notes and buy oreos again and eat only two, for learning purposes
I see this too many times out in public where parents give-in to their kids demands as opposed to holding their boundary (although, I do understand why they give-in as they do not want to cause a commotion). I do agree with setting boundaries at work - one needs a life outside of work. I don't really have this issue as I have an understanding boss.
11:21 The moment you hear something like 11:47, you should immediately recognize that the situation isn't adversarial and is open to negotiation. This is an irrefutable cue to begin gathering as much insight into the situation as humanly possible (e.g. "Why me? Why not someone else?" "Is this something that you expect to continue for the foreseeable future?") and be as flexible as possible. Be opportunistic and ask for the equivalent of what is being asked of you. For example, if you're in such demand that you've been asked to work on your day off, you should take advantage of the opportunity and ask for a raise or promotion, implying that there isn't anything you won't do as long as your needs are met.
Too Good 💎 Could you suggest some best books to read for tackling self doubt and increasing self belief in testing times and uncertainty like job search process after a big career gap and gain momentum without being stuck in inaction or uncertainty..
6:38 I disagree that it needs to be unpleasant. For example, you could've installed a dispenser for sealed pairs of disposable earplugs in your home, so that everyone within earshot of the screaming tantrum wouldn't be forced to suffer the painful, unnecessary vocalizations every time you enforce a boundary. You probably didn't think of that because you've already decided that a solution to that problem doesn't exist or isn't worth finding. The same mindset can be extrapolated to the people you're trying to help when they aren't setting appropriate boundaries. I'm under the impression that your intent is to simplify the video by avoiding discussing any situational difficulties or other complexity surrounding setting boundaries, yet you inadvertently identified a couple of specific reasons why people completely balk at doing so: Setting a boundary sometimes adversely impacts other relationships, and setting a boundary sometimes isn't realistic without the support of others. Instead of avoiding it altogether, talking about the _essential complexity_ or _inherent complexity_ is extremely valuable to me as an audience member. For example, there are times when using "covert" language instead of overt communication, or poking fun at a transgression in front of onlookers instead of addressing the person committing that transgression, is the most appropriate or most EFFECTIVE way to establish a boundary. Educate the audience about the tools that are at our disposal and when to use them.
You said: ..."could've installed a dispenser for sealed pairs of disposable earplugs ". Oh. My. God. You're nnnOT serious. Are you? Do you know one human being on the PLANET that does this? And if they do, I would likely wonder about *them*
@@dabbler1166 Reread the original comment. Nobody is suggesting that we should ignore legitimate distress calls. Additionally, exceeding the pain threshold isn't necessary for responsible adults to be called to action, nor is doing so appropriate for those who aren't primary caretakers.
DR. Allison's advice in this video is very good. And believable.
The Frustrating part of Boundaries is.....if it were a stranger, someone at work, or even a friend....none of those are as hard as setting a boundary with FAMILY.
Yes, there will be resistance. Yes, we need to hold firm or it isnt really a boundary. But what do you do (with Family) when...you set a boundary and now all of a sudden:
You are "power-tripping"
You are selfish
you are "inconsiderate"
you are "freaking out"
you are being fanatical
"it's no big deal"
iiiiii wouldn't set this boundary with *you*
Don't let it bother you
You're being rude to others
These are the kinds of things that get said over small things (then they should be easy!) like:
You WILL be playing your music in your own car when they are riding with you!
(no one forced them. Your house, your rules. Same in your car)---OR---
Take your shoes off when and leave them by the front door when you come into my house....OR---
No Smoking in my house.....and they say all those things. Or your family now considers you "weird" and you feel half-ostracized. I had a close relative light up a cigarette in my place and I told him "No smoking" and he totally ignored me and said:
Aww, hell. We're family. Open a window.
It's very maddening. But would most folks really end a family relationship over a cigarette? Still, I'm within my rights.
But Dr. Allison is right
1. Do not set a boundary, if you’re not willing to hold it
2. Expect resistance (if the addict seems to like the boundary, that’s probably not a healthy boundary)
3. Its going to get worse before it gets better
4. Keep your future self in mind (happier, more sane, reduce toxic relationships, increase your feeling of self worth)
5. Acknowledge what you WILL do (be flexible in a way that don’t break the boundary)
This video is so important, I’ll keep this notes and buy oreos again and eat only two, for learning purposes
So glad you found it so helpful! Thanks for watching and commenting!
Thank you for your videos they are helpful! Holding boundaries is something that I struggle a lot with. I'm a big people pleaser.
You are so welcome! Most hard things get better with practice and intentionality, so you've got this!
I see this too many times out in public where parents give-in to their kids demands as opposed to holding their boundary (although, I do understand why they give-in as they do not want to cause a commotion).
I do agree with setting boundaries at work - one needs a life outside of work. I don't really have this issue as I have an understanding boss.
Thanks so much for watching and commenting!
11:21 The moment you hear something like 11:47, you should immediately recognize that the situation isn't adversarial and is open to negotiation. This is an irrefutable cue to begin gathering as much insight into the situation as humanly possible (e.g. "Why me? Why not someone else?" "Is this something that you expect to continue for the foreseeable future?") and be as flexible as possible. Be opportunistic and ask for the equivalent of what is being asked of you. For example, if you're in such demand that you've been asked to work on your day off, you should take advantage of the opportunity and ask for a raise or promotion, implying that there isn't anything you won't do as long as your needs are met.
Too Good 💎
Could you suggest some best books to read for tackling self doubt and increasing self belief in testing times and uncertainty like job search process after a big career gap and gain momentum without being stuck in inaction or uncertainty..
Geez... i'm so bad at saying "no". I started to learn lately and I've seen the results already. 😅
Its definitely hard, but it IS possible! Glad you're learning and challenging yourself now!
If only I knew this earlier...
6:38 I disagree that it needs to be unpleasant. For example, you could've installed a dispenser for sealed pairs of disposable earplugs in your home, so that everyone within earshot of the screaming tantrum wouldn't be forced to suffer the painful, unnecessary vocalizations every time you enforce a boundary. You probably didn't think of that because you've already decided that a solution to that problem doesn't exist or isn't worth finding. The same mindset can be extrapolated to the people you're trying to help when they aren't setting appropriate boundaries.
I'm under the impression that your intent is to simplify the video by avoiding discussing any situational difficulties or other complexity surrounding setting boundaries, yet you inadvertently identified a couple of specific reasons why people completely balk at doing so: Setting a boundary sometimes adversely impacts other relationships, and setting a boundary sometimes isn't realistic without the support of others. Instead of avoiding it altogether, talking about the _essential complexity_ or _inherent complexity_ is extremely valuable to me as an audience member. For example, there are times when using "covert" language instead of overt communication, or poking fun at a transgression in front of onlookers instead of addressing the person committing that transgression, is the most appropriate or most EFFECTIVE way to establish a boundary. Educate the audience about the tools that are at our disposal and when to use them.
You said: ..."could've installed a dispenser for sealed pairs of disposable earplugs ". Oh. My. God. You're nnnOT serious. Are you?
Do you know one human being on the PLANET that does this? And if they do, I would likely wonder about *them*
@@dabbler1166 Reread the original comment. Nobody is suggesting that we should ignore legitimate distress calls. Additionally, exceeding the pain threshold isn't necessary for responsible adults to be called to action, nor is doing so appropriate for those who aren't primary caretakers.