When Narcissists Refuse To Accept Your Boundaries, featuring Dr. Jaime Zuckerman
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- Опубликовано: 13 июл 2024
- Narcissists are threatened by you being distinctly you. This means they predictably use distorted thinking when you declare that you deserve respect, that you should be able to follow your own plans. Our guest, Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, explains how essential it is to know the intentions of narcissists as you determine how to proceed with your plans, with or without the narcissist's consent.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his RUclips channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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Narcissist's are rebellious people and they like a challenge, whatever boundary you put up they will find a way around it so they can declare themselves the winner.
A while back in a support group i belong to, the leader posed the question. Why did the narc cross the road? So many responses were : thought it was a boundary
My narc mother always said children couldn't have boundaries. When I got to be an adult she'd say she could cross it because she was my mother.
Like fungi. But less fun.
Boundaries then walk away from this evil. Be better for it.
EXACTLY AND IT'S SO FRUSTRATING.THEY LOOK AT YOU AND THEY DON'T CARE ABD GO FURTHER AS IF YOU NEVER SAID A WORD TO THEM. I THINK DR.Phil also said they don't mind to step on your limitations .. something like that. But he said more in that text...I just pick a line in all of what he said in one of his video's about narcissism..he also sais very good things. Same like Dr.Carter and Dr Ramani and in his words.
Boundaries are for us, irrespective of narcissist oppositional attitude.
Spot on, Fred.
Yup. I just wish I didn’t let my ex get away with smashing them for so long.
Reminds me of a riddle someone once said in one of Lise Colucci’s live streams.
Q: Why did the narcissist cross the road? (Scroll down)
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A: He thought it was a boundary
Getting to irrespective is key!
Boundaries are just a challenge for the narc. Save yourself some time and just walk away and go no contact. Period.
Yes. Don't look back. I've been hoovered 5 years after no contact!
I have been no-contact with my narc dad since Easter of this year, my stress level has signficantly decreased! He nitpicked at me. I did not ask for his negative and petty opinion!
It's mind boggling what a Narcissist does to survive at the expense of their supply.
We are everything the narcissist isn't! They can cause pain but they can't ever reach your core. Your core is intact, beautiful and just waiting to fully emerge. We'll get there!
Beautifully said👍
I hope because core memories are another issue. I suppose my core could be independent of my memories.
❤beautiful!
We're better than the narcissist!
Thank you for that encouragment.. 🤗
I need this today. Told my family I would not be at a family gathering Xmas eve and instead will do something on Xmas with my grandma. My aunts had a fit and even had my grandpa call me to tell me I hurt their feelings and he's disappointed...so bizarre it isn't like this is the only time we can see people.
Well it was a time to Gaslight u in a group setting . Too them. You have ruined the Fun.
Good for you. You have to stand for who you are. No one else will! God bless.
EXACTLY !!
Great job!
You stopped being their scapegoat, great for you! Congratulations
No contact ...no supply and no attention will kill them quicker than anything else we "could" deliver.
No chaos, no arguing, no care.
This has worked for me! Ifcourse there will be slander, gang stalking, gossip ect. They arr naturally fearful so....my distant communication came from an attorney. Boundary set with consequences to follow in the future if boundaries🎉 were not observed. Be Strong and Couragious for The Lord will take care of the justice that is needed to end their plots!
Dignity. Civility. Respect.
They cannot give that!
Because they can’t give it to THEMSELVES, much less anyone else.
I remember having that light bulb moment, which was very freeing but also very shocking. I realized the gravity of my abuse. Knowing that the narcissist doesn't think the same is also essential. I don't argue with them or give them much feedback. The narcissist does get angry but it works. And it is good to be yourself again. Even though the narcissist think differently their thinking is often not in line with reality.❤
Im making my own separate decisions. There is fall out but im so distanced emotionally that i dont care any more. Im not scared any more.
I left my abusive narcissistic nex just over a year ago. Healing has involved a joyous process of "getting better" at setting and living by healthy boundaries, and guess what.....some people don't like it!...they don't like the new healthy you. (Your genuine friends LOVE you having healthy boundaries)
I've learned how it helps you discern between your healthy, genuine friends / family / colleagues, and those whom you need to avoid.
Very well said, Stu!!!. I 100% agree and couldn't have worded this comment better myself. Hugs 🫂
@sturobertson6791🌹
@@t_nelsCheers meanmonkey / Teresa 🙏
Hope you are ok
@@sturobertson6791 Cheers, Same to you. I'm okay.
@sturobertson6791 That is so true!! I too left my ex gf around this time last yr, and I healed by helping others, and learning anything & everything I could from them. Also prioritizing spending more time with the healthy friends who were always encouraging to me. My lofe has only become more fulfilling since. I'm happy You got away from Your ex, and I wish You all the best on Your journey
This is it: to put a name to the chaos you live in! Otherwise you are drowning into their toxic behavior.
Such an honor to have been a guest. Thank you for an excellent discussion! Look forward to many more :)
You're so gifted! Thanks for such good insights!
Setting boundaries with my covert narcissist was always futile. His first response, if he had any at all, was a quiet OK, seemingly agreeable, to later find out it made him mad and stuffed it. There is no communicating healthy boundaries with a covert narcissist so if you stay, prepare yourself to be on a perpetual hamster wheel of bread-crumbing.
Learning this now.
The Narcissist in my marriage gets largely violent if I set a boundry. To the point of that he expresses severe anger, throwing things, and saying things for example, "look at what you did to my life!"
You are too pretty to put up with being treated like that from a baby-man.
Asserting boundaries is a direct attack on their ego. It has caused narcissistic injury ime
Knowledge of that narcissistic person’s in my like gave me freedom and healing and control 😊
This was SO GOOD. Dr. Z is AMAZING!! Where was she when I was really going through it? I wish she woulda been my therapist.
This is interesting because, as a child of a narcissistic mother, it was difficult to set boundaries so I created a way to do so by just doing things and not informing my mother who was woefully unaware of what was actually going on in the family. My father was out of the picture by that time because my mother divorced him instead of learning to get along - she could not. I am the 2nd child, oldest girl, and much of daily life fell to me because my mother really wasn't "present" in the sense that she could actually function as an adult. I have an older brother who was out of the house by the time I was in high school so he wasn't part of the picture, having left to save his sanity. But, even though I was "creative" in forging a type of boundary her belittling, name calling, constant degrading us, etc. her nasty, mean behavior has still left its mark on me and I've had to work hard to realize I do have worth. I, too, eventually fled my mother's house to save my sanity. I also realize most of the men who came into my life were controlling and uncaring and I really had no voice, so I still used my "creative" way to set boundaries. I think that helped me move forward in small increments. I have found that being alone (with no partner or companion) is so much better than being with the wrong person. I much prefer animals to most people because of what I experienced as a child and young adult. Thank you, Dr. C for what you share.
Oh, I couldn't agree more. A traumatic upbringing has ultimately led me to a life where I take refuge in nature and animals. Take care, GinnyWalker! I'm a bush walker!
Dad is my narc. He sneaks around my boundaries. His problem, not mine.
@@sissi8610 Thank you. Yes, nature and animals is where I find the most comfort, and also losing myself in a good book.
I'm the same way: I like being alone better and I like animals better than people. I had a traumatic childhood too.
And I also did things that my parents just didn't know about.
@@susanmercurio1060 I learned that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person, that animals will give unconditional love, and most of my friends care more than my siblings. I did a lot my mother wasn't aware of, but it was things like laundry, cooking, baking, tending to my siblings, etc. to make sure they were cared for.
Before I even start watching this video I want to say that growing up with 2 alcoholics that did not respect my boundaries I learned to have way too much tolerance for people who do not respect my boundaries.. Ok carry on;)
Anger... There is a difference between an angry person and someone who is angry.. Narcissists are angry people and they want to be that way..
I love the way you said what boundaries are in relation to what we are willing to be treated..
I did start out small with boundaries but there was one big one that I put my foot down and did not lift it..
When I started to change and when I got healthier it freaked both of the Narcissists out.. I also used the story of when I took a yoga class and as I got stronger and more flexible it freaked the rest of the class out.. You think of yoga being healthy, well there was plenty of unhealthy behavior there.. I just ended up moving on to more healthy options..
ACA (which they want to change the name to Adult Children of Dysfunction) has in the Laundry List that we Become addicted to excitement which originally was We become addicted to fear.. The dysfunction wants that excitement/fear.. When I stop participating in that then they do not want me around..
It took me 4 years to identify, then go no contact on my covert narcissistic neighbor, friend. It started as sharing plants, left overs , then she started making dinners for me, set up a drip watering system in my front yard without asking. Became an energy drain with many texts, calls and coming iver every day... sometimes 3 times a day! She didn't get hints like, "you don't need to come iver every day." Even what i thiught was so rude, "give me a chance to miss you"! When i asked what i could do for her, she always saud, "you just have to be my friend." Ridiculous amount if gift guving, despite my objections. Very transactional. I finally shut it down when my anxiety caused me to break out in Shingles. Ive been no contact for 6 months, and feel relieved, but i can only trust my dogs for friendship now. Draining and exhausting!
@avanellehansen4525 I really feel for you in regard to the extreme issues with your troubled neighbour and I'm glad you were able to break free in the end!
I can relate because I've had huge issues with narcissistic, or downright dangerous, neighbours at various addresses for many years, which has been absolute hell. I've finally learnt to avoid most of the tenants in the complex I've been living in for a long time.
I've also had to deal with narcissistic "partners," family members, so-called friends and many others throughout my life, so it's no wonder I'm having trouble functioning nowadays. ❤
Remember who is in control of you! Don't let anyone touch ur thermostat of pain tolerance or anger.
Try to save energy and dial it down a notch everyday.
Nice one Thrash. You know what I didn't know as I allowed my mood/happiness/state of mind/ etc to be dependent on how my nex was treating me....
I wasn't good at (or even aware of) self care skills.
Not any more!!!! Learning from TH gave me the knowledge to do what you say in the first line of your comment, to change my focus from 'fixing' my nex to looking in the mirror and working on me!!
Here I am now, free, and able to set boundaries without feeling weird.
Bless you Thrash. Please don't leave!!!!!
All the best to you🙏👍🫂
Great advice 👍 thanks 😊
@@amandaliverpool3374i second Amanda's comment👍
@@amandaliverpool3374
I second Amanda's comment 👍
Wow. Being controlled and repressed for so long and my moods. Excellent tip. No more!
It’s easy to identify a narcissist once you’ve spent years living with one. However, no one focuses on their enablers. The nice and seemingly normal people who walk the narcissist right through our front door, and present them as trustworthy people. All while the narcissist is emptying our homes and lives of everything we hold dear. What is the physiological mindset of the enabler? How do we recognize them before their narcissist is invited by them, into our lives and homes?
Excellent and very valid question. Unfortunately sometimes the enablers don’t realize they are enablers bc the narcissist can present as very charming to those outside of your dynamic with them.
Yes the ah ha moment. My picker was broken. Groomed by narcissistic parents…
Not allowed boundary setting even into adulthood.
I chose men like my dad.
Dr Carter helped take the blinders off my eyes and heart.
#TeamHealthy
I hear you and agree 👍😮😢😅
I hear you and agree 😢😮😅
My mom showed an effect of trauma bonding when I was 12.
My dad had beaten her unconscious and left her for dead in a ditch. Fortunately, a neighbour saw it and called the police (911 wasn’t a thing yet).
The next day my siblings and I were visiting her in the hospital and she asked where my dad was. When we told her he was waiting in the car she started crying and said that it meant that he was still mad at her.
Wow! Why wasn't he in jail?
Thank you for your story. We can all learn from that. It feels to me like your mum was still (being made to feel) feeling it was her fault
@@acolley2891 Back then the victims of domestic violence had to press charges. If they didn’t, nothing was done. Thankfully the law did change when I was about 16 though
Omg 😢😢
Jesus Christ 🙏
I always felt like an actor in my own life, not the director. Truly felt I was playing a part. All the time in my mind was my real dialogue going, saying why are you doing acting saying being looking as you are. I was acting! I was lucky, I had a third caregiver from 2-7 and at 5 years old I was my true self. Just yesterday another light bulb as to why I've acted rather than participated in my own life, both my parents demanded I be what they wanted but I didn't see it as clearly as yesterday. The trauma bond with my mother was so strong but I see the person behind the curtain now. They held the marionette strings and I felt I would fall without them(deliberate im sure).
I fell anyway and still despite laying on the stage without succour still tried to work things out. Now I'd rather crawl limp off the stage than be played anymore. It's the 4th quarter and I see the part they had written for me, which was to relive their own life vicariously through me. No matter how battered I became, the harms inflicted that demand hasn't changed. What's changed is me
Thank you both! Have a great day everyone. DRC!!!
Love you Dr Carter, wish you could have been my therapist! ❤️🙏
Thank you.
When sleeping over at my cousins home, I knew I had to completely adapt to his schedule. I remember one time when I was there and I was on vacation and felt free, wanted to do what I like outside the house, being in nature or visit the town. He called me and asked when I was planning on coming home for dinner. And I hadn't even thought about eating dinner. I instantly felt this pressure on my chest, I knew he wasn't going to like it. And at that time I felt stupid for not been thinking about the dinner. I said I don't know exactly when I can come home. His response was passive aggressive and hung up the phone.
I don't know if it is narcissistic. I just remember it now when you talk about how important time is for a narcissist and when you disrupt their schedule. A schedule you don't even know sometimes, or a schedule that you somehow "should" know according to a toxic person.
Black and white… No grey as that would indicate some thought process to be flexible but it is not possible with these people. When life does not go according to their plan, we will pay. Oh yeah, a victim ready to unlash his fury.
I’m a clinician and from a professional standpoint, I had to comment: ❤I love the brilliant questions…. and excellent responses. So informative and empowering and reachable. Thank you 🙏🏼 truly.
Thank you 😊
I have come to see(at least in my experience with my future n(ex), that it is simply "oppositional" at this point..and always was....If I ask him to do something, he will either not do it or sabotage it so I end up doing it myself...if I ask him to stop doing something because it is emotionally damaging to me, he will never stop...
Lots of empty promises but NOTHING ever changes...
Just want his toxicity out of my life at this point.
🎯😑
I understand, thank you for your comment. I experienced exactly the same.
Freedom from it and healing feels amazing🙏👍
They will TRY to sabotage their victims. Expect it but do NOT accept it. Hell no. Get what you can from them and use them as well as they use you. That doesnt mean u are a narcissist as well, totally not, as long as you have empathy in you, caring for yourself and others, ( not caring for the narc) you are in survival mode.
@@marilynbrowman5520 I'm sorry. I don't understand that. That sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially concerning the children and other family members. If you use somebody then you are treating them like you wouldn't want to be treated, at least I wouldn't want to.
This was the hardest videos to watch on the subject of narcissism I have ever watched. I did it in pieces, because it was just so hard. My narcissistic husband is gone now, but even though I divorced him years ago, he got to me through our children. I thought I would heal with all my character traits and never give up attitude and more. It didn’t work because my children took over. I am now the scapegoat. I can’t bear it.
You can bear it by not "buying in" to it. Take care of yourself first. Anyone who *wants* to hurt you doesn't deserve your time anyway.
You aren't alone. Hang in there.
@@julianterris That’s not hard for me to do with anyone else, but my children? Can't figure that out.
I’m so sorry. My husband had been experiencing the same thing with his ex and their children. They have not spoken to him in about ten years and have posted on social media that they consider him dead. This only because he dared to leave his unhappy marriage with their mother. She was unwilling to acknowledge they had problems and refused to go to therapy with him. He continued therapy while separated and through the divorce. I met with his therapist to confirm all of this when we started dating. It’s unbelievable the lengths a narcissist will go to hurt their chosen scapegoat. My husband has a good life with me and my kids love him but I know it still breaks his heart. I pray someday your children wake up to the truth and see you for who you are.
It's the hardest thing!! My x turned our 4 kids from me. It's pretty common. My adult kids do his bidding now.
When they can no longer control you they control how others perceive you.
There's no greater win for a narc than to break your bond with your children.
Give it to God 🙏
There's a spiritual element to all of this!
Blessings 🙏
Once they know they are starting to lose their grip on you and the fear of being exposed surfaces, they will play major victim role.. they could be the most abusive and they still do this.. its crazy making.. glad the world is getting all this info. Thank you for the content
Yes, it is sad and painful to realize that the other upon whom you depend for so much isn't there for you, that they're incapable of seeing beyond themselves, that it is time to start really taking care of one self in health, that one cannot give anything more to the relationship without sacrificing our own self, our thinking, our feelings and our goodness. It isn't a failure but a recognition, that they aren't there for you but you have to be, that you have to turn the toxicity into good with or without them and let them go. It's okay, a dedication to recovery, a loss but a gain, a commitment to health, a lesson in survival, a recognition and acknowledgement of eyes that don't look back, that can't. Rest and heal.
Thank you, Doctors! this was a pleasure. Boundaries are about getting back in touch with *you* ~They have nothing to do with empty-hearted Narcissists. Compliments of the season. 🌲
You’re so welcome. I’m glad
It was helpful❤️.
What a great exchange!!!! Thanks for sharing with TEAM HEALTHY
How refreshing that that don't interrupt or overseas eachother.
Thank you, really needed this today.
I like the way this woman thinks and communicates too. Helpful.
Thank you so much 😊. I am glad it was helpful ❤️
Ive seen the blueprint. You have helped me
I do stand firm. Then the abuse happens. I feel like every good thing I do to help myself is punished. I just need out.
This describes my relationship with my mother. She instilled fear and shame in me from the time I was born and I'm just becoming aware at 37.
One of the most enjoyable and informative interviews! I was glued to every word. Loving these interviews and hearing all of these perspectives. Thanks Dr. C and Dr. Z.
Glad you enjoyed it, Maxwell.
Could not agree more!! 👍👏👏❤️
You’re so welcome. I’m so glad it
Was helpful ❤️
Spiritual warfare
Absolutely!
No doubt.
My sister who is 60 yrs old throws zingers at me with a phrase like I will use that phrase we are not on the same frequency from now on. And then I thought wow I just set a boundary she can relate to.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this podcast! I'm 62, and a few years ago, I figured out both my parents are narcissists. I've been waffling on whether my husband is. Now I am sure. I just listened to the podcast on contempt, and this one, now I can stop trying to negotiate and encourage teamwork because I can clearly see it will never be. I would like to take your boundary class as I am not able to be independant. Hopefully, it will make the situation livable.
Me, too!
Many prayers! 🙏🙏🙏🙏
It certainly is difficult to come to terms with no contact when its your own Mother, Father and Brother. Its an anguish and unease that I cant describe. Not sure how to live out the rest of my days with peace, when such important people in my life are not there, because they choose control and dominance over love and compassion.
I can very much relate. Both parents have passed but coming to terms with my two siblings and their commitment to follow in our narcissistic parents’ footsteps by continuing the scapegoating has been a grief like no other. I’m working on full acceptance.
I can identify. I found that I can still love my siblings from afar even if I don't like them very much. My interaction with them is minimal and I've had to learn to accept that this is best for me. Being alone is better than being with anyone who does not value us for who we are. It doesn't change the fact that you miss them but I've found I need to have peace of mind, heart and soul and that is more important than being around those who have no respect for the people we have become. Please take care and find the blessings, even if you have to look hard for them, in each day.
Wow 😮
@@dnk4559 I hope you gain peace beneath the pain.
@@ginnywalker184 thanks for sharing your experience and insight. Glad to hear you have come to acceptance.
This was absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for this DR Les and DR Z, I'm doing inner work, Breaking cycles and patterns, Staying true to myself, Peace, love, Respect to you DR Les and DR Z and everyone, Thank you universe 😃🌹💛💜💚💙❤🌈🌌🦄🎨🖼🌝😘🌷🌚🐶🐎☘👁😍🐉😆🐱👽🕊
I was in psychotherapy many years ago, because I had been sexually abused by both my parents as a child.
Add to that emotional and physical abuse.
I was at that time in an on off relationship relationship. It was driving me insane but I was addicted to the emotional rollercoaster. My therapist persuaded me to be unvailable to the man I was seeing for 2 weeks. Somehow I managed this, there had been no contact at all for 2 weeks.
I met up with him after this and my God!!!! I saw him as he really is ......he was like a spoiled child. I couldnt stand to be with him. He liked to create drama etc etc. So I ended it permanently.
The spookiest thing is that while I had been seeing this man - I took a photo of him. In the photo his face was my dads face. I was obviously attracted to what I knew.
I recommend this to everyone. If you are emotionally attached to someone who is causing you pain and uncertainty etc dont contact them for 2 weeks no contact at all and perhaps you might see them as they truly are.
Hi Drs. Carter, Zuckerman, Gus and the Team Healthy Community from Ca. I never knew the name of the problems I was dealing with until I started watching Dr. Carter. I had never heard that name before. They already know what they want and will size you up for what they can get from you when they meet you. I began to have panic attacks as soon as I was married. Thank you for a wonderful video and guest Dr. Carter. I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday Season.
I really enjoyed this conversation and hearing Dr. Zuckerman’s advice and viewpoints.
I enjoyed our conversation!!
Thank you so much. I’m glad
You found it helpful!! Appreciate your feedback. ❤️❤️
After growing up with a narcissist sister who is 2 years older, it's taking me years to understand what she is and even knowing that she's a narc it still affects me. I have anxiety about potentially having to see her in the future, I feel like she still has control of me. She will just look me up and down and "scoff" as if to say "you're ugly and fat and it's embarrassing". Nobody else see's it, even if I don't acknowledge she's doing it it's like there's this knowing that she knows is saw her and she knows it bugged me and she wins. She will ask personal questions, they all feel loaded. She will try to control anything from "taking the car" to the chair she was sitting in 3 hours ago. She can't help herself. She did everything she could to destroy me. After years w/out her in my life I have discovered my voice, who I am and how I think, and the fact that I take time to process things in my life from reactions to decisions. She always PUSHED me. Pushed pushed pushed. Needs an answer NOW, and if I didn't respond she would then tell me what I "must think" or how I "must feel" because clearly she knows. I never had a chance to just be me. I hate her and never want to be around her but I know there will be a time in the future that I'll have to be in her vicinity and I'm frozen with worry and fear of the stunts she will pull. And NOBODY says anything. if I pop off at here it will be "me" causing trouble and she know's that. I don't think I could not tackle her and just start beating her with every ounce of my energy once and for all. And in the end, she will win again ... I am crazy, I am unstable etc. Maybe I should just have my phone recording every interaction with her and not car if she laughs. I'll say, if you think you're so kind then you should have no problem being on video :) I hate her.
I can go to the store by myself?!!! You're a genius Dr C! Haha this episode was just exceptionally good and practical
Thank you
I think avoiding the pain and the discomfort when putting boundaries dealing with narcissists is going to make the situation worse
We better stand up for what make sense and stop the manibulation and abuse , deal with the pain the narcissist and the conflict with him is going to cause
That is what they want you to do and it encourages them to increase abuse. What they don't want is for you to disappear from their grasp. Must do that as much as possible and safely as possible.
~❤❤~....to both you
Thank you.
Such a Wonderful Holiday this yr.
A total no contact with the narc and the narc family cult. Sometime its the only way to break free and be me. Left a few behind that I truly loved see and talking with. They are the ones in the fsmily who saw all the abuse I did but rather than rock the noat for them I'll wait fir them to catch up with me. Life at this time is so peaceful and enjoy able, I would never go back. Hope all if you had a peaceful holiday!! Thanks Dr. C. Great Guest!!!😂❤
So familiar to me having narc spouse in the past. Lots of good points made. Used to feel like a puppet on strings behind a glass wall! It took a while to understand that boundaries are for myself to set as to my behaviors, not theirs. Also if result of their bad behavior gets them something they want, then that encourages the bad behavior. If result is opposite of what they want it will discourage it. They can't be allowed to cross a boundary and get their way (like a 2 year old would do). That is why negotiating does not work. They make sure they get in control and you are clueless. The facilitator gives them the win they seek. A goal for you is to stay safe as you extricate yourself and those you are responsible for from their grip.
Found both your podcast and Jaime's podcast nearly two years ago, and man! I've grown and learned so much listening to you two. Thank you much!
Thanks, Caleb!
You’re so welcome. I’m glad
It was helpful ❤️. Appreciate your feedback
Thank you for this inspiring, supportive and informative conversation. It was beautiful. God bless you❤
Thank you so much. ❤️
Narcissists will accuse you of thinking they have no worth when you draw boundaries against their behaviors. I was called judgmental, controlling and told my love was conditional for trying to set boundaries and consequences with her 21 yr old son when he moved in with us. We aren’t together anymore and her son is now in prison with a $60k bail. The law will judge him harsher than I ever did. Good luck with that.
My Narcussist didnt respect my boundries. We had been divorced for years. I had my own place. He had came over and did some work for me then just started coming by whenever he wanted. One day I locked the gate as a hint, " dont bother me". He jumped over the gate and knocked on the door anyway. I didnt answer so he went to the kitchen window and started scratching on the screen. Then another time he appearantly needed to borrow a tool from me. I wasnt home so he unscrewed the shed latch to get to the tool. He never asked me.
Bonnie - have him charged with trespassing and get a restraining order. Do not allow him to continually break your boundaries.
My ex did that kind of crap. I learned to resist his offers of help, because he used that as leverage in order to make me feel obliged to give him an audience. No contact and engaging law enforcement is your best option.
If you could figure out they are a narccicst early on and never get involved in the first place that would be ideal. Sounds like theres no way to win and a lot of suffering after they are in your life. I would love to hear a discussion on that.
Once a person understands the various types on the narcisstic spectrum and understands the red flags... one Can thankfully spot the red flags early on... as they're so obvious then.
Similar to "you can't be hypnotized when you know it's happening"... or the Matrix red vs. Blue pill, you can't unlearn something once you choose to see the truth. When you learn enough examples you can spot them a mile away and try to just laugh.
You don't have much of a choice about that if you're born to one, if the narcissist is one of your parents -- or if BOTH your parents are narcissists.
@@amarbyrd2520typically one's the narcissist that wrecked the other one who will "show up" worse than the narcs false superior persona!
Narcs don't pick narcs!!
Excellent interview - this has been one of the best so far 👍🏻
Thank YOU! I’m so glad you found it helpful ❤️
Thanks Dr. Z and All. Happy holidays. ❤️
Yes, I set my bounderies. It works. But then others - institutions - come along (school, government, mediation), insisting on establising good communications with the co-parent, the narcissistic one. Another battle to be invited into. Another confrontation to self doubt. These video's help to stay strong, to know 'it is not me who is insane'. Thank you!
This is exactly what I am going through with the narc counter parent...
I hope it’s not intrusive to ask… how do you manage third parties?
I always say, Narcissists don’t engage in Coparenting. They don’t parallel parent either. They “don’t” parent unfortunately ❤️
What a helpful and affirming conversation! Thanks for this!
Really enjoyed this conversation and content . Nice to get different perspectives
Glad you enjoyed it!
I’m so happy you found it helpful ❤️
I LOVE you guys for saying these things OUT LOUD! Thank you and hope this finds everyone safe and well on their road to healing ❤️🙏🏻💪🏻✊🏻🙌🏻☀️🌈💃🏻🎉🥰
Thank you for watching and for your feedback ❤️
We don’t win with narcissist because they are already defeated by narcissism they are already down so they take you down this only direction we’re heading with narcissist is down,because they are down.
😮 Such a great way to put it!
And for them to be above you they got to pull you into hell. Basically!
Did he start out the video by saying, "Hello, Team Healthy"? 🤗
I love it! 💜
He (I) did!
I have recently just understood that I have been in a trauma bond w/husband of 46 1/2 YEARS!!!! G-D is GOOD always and forevermore despite it all. TY Dr. C for lifting the blinders off my eyes & encouraging my burdened heart to heal!!!❤
Narcissist are akin to terminators from that movie The Terminator with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Imagine going up to a terminator that's programmed to destroy you trying to ask why it doesn't care about your feelings.
Thank you both for your important work!
We really do need more prepping in order to stay safe, instead of therapists cheerleading for people to "Yes! Set boundaries!!" without warning people what can happen. Narcissists -- elder parental narcissists -- get verbally abusive, and verbally violent, in addition to doing whatever they believe they can to smear your reputation with common family, friends, & acquaintances.
Yes, I experienced all of this with my narcissistic father and then my siblings followed suit after his passing. Thank God for a good therapist to help me navigate all the grief.
Thank you both, this helps.
It's hard!
This has been very helpful! Thank you ☺️
Alan Watts is fantastic as well
Thankyou soooo much for your teaching and education. Education=strength, confidence, and never regressing.
We deserve better than what the narcissist dishes out!
Wow, excellent job explaining the concepts. 30:34
I call those incidents where the narcissist attempts to direct the event or even the day....Command Performances
Yah, this was good Dr. C and Dr. Z! ❤️
I have heard another specialist in this subject say, “if you’ve ever wanted to carry a tape recorder with you, you’re being gaslit.” And this seems to be the most used everyday tactical strategy that I have seen used by people I have worked with: the easily deniable covert insult. I just wonder what the professional advice is in trying to prevail against this nonsense. The insult is delivered so subtly, that implicit with it is the knowledge that if questioned about it, the abuser will deny it. Anyone facing this is obviously in need of support, and I can’t understand why so many onlookers simply fall in line instead of stepping up.
You make sense.
I really appreciate this conversations! I have learnt so much about this this last year. ❤️
Yes, I fully agree; after a few years you're left knowing very little about your own likes and dislikes. All your time is spent placating the narcissist. At first, it does not seem like a great thing to let a few small likes go. Marriage is supposed to be a mutual compromise, I thought. But eventually you find you've done most, if not all, of the compromising. It's gradual. I guess. I know I have made some progress in regaining control of my life. But even now, I haven't really inched forward in picking up some of my old hobbies. Growth takes time, I guess.
I have to admit that I don't really understand the boundaries thing, even though, if I look back, I know there have been "things' in my life that I have refused to bend on. Those "things" have provoked him to anger in the past. But I've held firm. mostly because i think it would completely destroy me if I did give in. Perhaps my fragility has saved me.
It all makes me appreciate my father more and more. What a wonderful dad he has been.
@Rachel-mz8ko, My guess is that your dad confirmed you as a person with a right to your own thoughts and opinions. That often doesn't happen for women in talking to men. To illustrate, I'm a woman living alone. I have sometimes done mortar repairs on the outside of my house. I know what I'm doing, and I find it enjoyable work. My stucco patches look good and have held up for years. The handyman next door said, "I'll take care of that small area that's bulging-I'll knock it out and repair that for you." I never asked him, but he didn't know I usually do my own work. I said, "It's too cold to do stucco repair now. I'll fix that in the spring, after any chance of frost has passed." He said, "Oh, I'll just mix the mortar with anti-freeze." I said no. I recently asked a stone mason if anti-freeze in the winter months to mix with mortar was a "thing," these days, and he said, "Absolutely not, and never was! Don't let him do ANY work on or in your house. He doesn't know as much as you do, because he's the type who doesn't do his homework. The mortar won't cure if you mix it with anti-freeze." I said, "He told me mortar only has to dry." "OMG, he said, See what I mean? He doesn't know it's a CHEMICAL CURE! Stick to your guns, gal, and don't ever let men bulldoze you. Have confidence in your knowledge." he said. But yes, like you say, some men will be provoked to anger when you stand your ground and don't bend to them.
It is very important to have that person who saw you! ❤
I actually, consciously, patterned myself after him. My mother was difficult throughout her life. I was never a tomboy but chose to follow his lead in how I conducted myself. I eventually left and and avoided her as much as I could. He was always a great dad-- responsible, reserved and active in the community. But, yes, in these later years he has been an even greater, more personal support. @@notagain779
15:31 this is SO eye opening! I'm going to send this to my husband right now lol 16:45 I will NEVER win no matter how right I am and he will always think he's right no matter how abusive the behavior...and that's why we need the divorce.
Thanks.
You're welcome
Two of my favorites in one podcast! ❤
Thanks, I thoroughly enjoyed our chat.
Aaron Doughty pedastal RUclips video helped give me clarity
This was so helpful. Thank You!!!! 👍👍👍
Glad it was helpful!
So glad it was helpful for you ❤️
Boundaries have been imposed on my husband and me. We were told that we must include both people in the couple in every correspondence. We have done that for the most part, but just one called for my birthday; it went to a text "voicemail," and I returned a text saying, "Thank you." Since the phone call came from just one phone number, my response only went to one person. This violation has resulted in a total cut-off on their part "until we start honoring their boundaries." We were not even allowed to know about a third child that was born. The rules then changed to say that we had to put both of their names at the top of all communication (instead of just sending two emails), so we have violated their boundaries, and therefore, our timeout has started over again because I sent an email without putting "Dear So and So at the top. We are giving up because we know that no matter how many of the rules we try to follow, there will be a new one that we will violate so that the clock can start over.
We have put up no boundaries for them. We have a few that we have for ourselves, though. Our boundary is that we will no longer play the game. We will respond if they reach out, but we have decided that we will not continue to try to engage them.
So my narcissistic husband told me he hated me repeatedly then called me the B word trying to get a reaction from me. So then I calmly said 'No, I know you love me and it scares you to death ' it stopped him in his tracks, lol. He tries to do everything he can to get me to get angry, to fight back and I refuse. I repeatedly tell him to find someone else to fight with and it enfuriates him. I just dont care anymore.
Its hard to see the picture when you are in the frame. Good to have an experts perpective.
Dr Carter, I love your videos and have watched so many. Will you please do one on the nasty divorce process? I am two years into a horrible divorce with a narcissist after 20 years of marriage. No kids and he’s the one who left me in 2020 then gamed me for a year and a half before I finally moved on. That’s the point he became a true monster. He has used every tactic you talk about and tried to control the divorce process in every way. He’s chasing ghosts, wasting time, dragging it out and obviously plans to try character assassination at our trial. My attorney says that will be a waste of his time and the court won’t care but I worry. I’ve been no contact for over a year. The tactics he will lower himself to are unbelievable. He’ll spend a thousand dollars in lawyer fees and useless paperwork to avoid giving me one dollar. I could go on and on. I am well into my recovery but I’d love to see this topic get its own video. He lives with his girlfriend (25 years younger than him) yet seems to focus all his time trying to think up new ways to get to me. It is very twisted and I know there must be others in situations like mine. What will our divorce trial be like? Thoughts?
12/14 PM .. My Narc Staff Pastor Husband Does what He wants, ignores me..As you both are teaching this podcast, the reason I question Myself is our counselors along the way have said he 1. Doesn’t admit wrong 2. Is too friendly and familiar with women and 3. has prioritized ‘his ministry’ Over our marriage.
In short, He disagrees, tells me I have a spirit of jealousy, God Is number One in his life (which includes his ministry), and he has been separated from me privately, in-home for over two years - in every way - except continuing to provide. HOW is He controlling me if he No Longer cares anything about anything I do? He appears “Peaceful” and interacts with me the way you teach ‘the abused’ to respond. It feels CRAZY.
I tried speaking with him about ‘this arrangement’ last weekend for the first time in four months (as basically only food is brought up) - all he said was “like the apostle Paul, Rom. 8:18 this present suffering is not to be compared with the future glory which will be revealed, [and he is] 2 Tim. 4:5 Enduring hardship till the end.”
I feel So Stupid but there is so much at stake - and I am blessed - as I Am able to care for our grandchildren.
Dr. C. your podcasts are So helpful but what if I am wrong? Am I wrong? I know I have been reactive and angry in our younger years - I OWN my actions. At the same time, his actions including social media, etc., have continued and are “his mistress” as I refer to them.
Show the integrity and courage to discuss covertly narcissistic therapists/counselors and the harm caused, the trauma bonding making it hard to “just leave” after slowly realizing what’s been being done. Show that integrity.
Also, consider ethical stance that corporate “Better Help” should come with the warning, “consumers beware!” See YT and other reviews by consumers and by misused, underpaid therapists.
Thanks for your perspective.
I’m sorry you’ve had that experience ❤️
I am so done with the narcisssistic b.s. That feels better writing that!
Yep ive now left 2 churches like that...just(today) left another.......
My brain is spinning cause of all the control freaks there...then when they cannot control(boss....
be vinductive to....manipulate...
Disrespect....be rude to.....
Then your the bad guy.....🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️💁♀️😬😥💔
Thank you for this video! A lot of helpful information.
Appreciate your ministry.
God bless you & your families. A joyful Christmas to all 🎄🎇
Glad it was helpful! And thanks for your kind comments.
That's true. I don't know who I am. I will find out some day. How I don't know.