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Building The Self You Were Never Allowed To Have, featuring Jerry Wise
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- Therapist Jerry Wise and Dr. Les Carter discuss how many people have been required to fit into an unhealthy narcissistic system, meaning they were discouraged from being who they really are. In this engaging discussion Jerry discusses how to reverse that trend as you embark on your path of self-discovery.
For the past 45 years, Jerry Wise has helped thousands of people get their narcissistic dysfunctional family OUT OF THEM, enabling them to enjoy a life free of its toxic grip.
Jerry Wise has a popular RUclips channel with over 100,000 subscribers. He has extensive experience as a marriage and family therapist, specializing in dysfunctional families, scapegoat recovery, and codependency using his unique 'Family Differentiation' approach to recovery.
Jerry's website: www.jerrywiser...
Jerry's RUclips channel: @jerrywise
Click here to register for Dr. C's upcoming webinar, Decoding Darkness: Responding to Malignant Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths: us06web.zoom.u...
If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. Go to our sponsor betterhelp.com... for 10% off your first month of therapy with BetterHelp and get matched with a therapist who will listen and help.
Sign up for Dr. Carter's course: Ready, Set, Connect
courses.surviv...
Get 20% off when you use the coupon code: rsc20youtube
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his RUclips channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
Join the Team Healthy community HERE: survivingnarci...
Check out videos, articles, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarci...
You can follow Surviving Narcissism on:
Twitter: @SNarcissism101
Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
Facebook: @survivingnarcissism101
Dr. Carter has two other courses that you may find to be useful:
Free to Be: Reclaim & rediscover your uniqueness survivingnarci...
This Is Me: Setting boundaries with the controllers in your life survivingnarci...
Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
Dr. Carter's other RUclips channel: / drlescarter
Bookstore: survivingnarci...
Dr C, it was such a pleasure having this discussion with you, thank you for having me on your podcast and channel, I would love to do this again! You built such an amazing community of people dedicated to their healing, I will be reading all of the comments on this video. Thanks again for having me
Hey Jerry! Obviously you resonated well with #TeamHealthy. What a pleasure. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!!
I really enjoyed and appreciated this opportunity to listen to these words of wisdom from the 2 of you. I am very fortunate to be a member of Team Healthy 🙏
So grateful to the Lord for people like you ✨💚
Yes, please, do work together again 👍
Blessings from Italy 🧡
@@lishmahlishmah Are you familiar with 1Corinthians Chpt7? Can you read it and tell me how you understand it?
@@t_nels
Which part of the chapter?
It is a bit "long" .
Yes, I know that chapter quite well (in Italian).
First thing I can say, for sure: a great part of the Catholic Canon Law about marriage is based on this chapter.
Do you mean the marriage rules or what? ...I know there are lots of Catholic comments by experts, available for reading online... But as you can guess I have all references in Italian language. Anyhow, if we have that much in Italian, I think we have even more in English.
Do you have a specific question?
(For all Team Healthy People, both Liesel and I are Catholic. That's why I'm openly speaking like that)
Two years ago, I finally broke away completely (no contact) from my toxic family. Always the scapegoat. I am seventy years old, and I feel so much better.
65 & finally narc free! Healing from CPTSD now but no longer trauma bonded to anyone & clarity is gradually replacing cognitive dissonance
One toxic parent or golden child destroys the family dynamics & turns what should have been a safe place into a battlefield
God Bless you. There's no reason to put up with abuse. However different we wish things could be ❤
Same here! I’m 62.
Love hearing from older gens, gives me hope. Good luck to you ✌✋✊
We are fortunate to have the wisdom of Jerry Wise and Les Carter together!! Much gratitude. 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
💯!!
I was wondering just lazt week if these 2 knew each other. And bam 5 days l8r we get both of these enlightend individuals @ once. ❤
Pure gold. . .and we are the benefitting audience.
Exactly❤@@KaarinaKimdaly
Yes! It doesn’t get better than the two of them! Much gratitude to you both !❤
When God saved me, I finally had a Father who accepted me unconditionally. I was able to disconnect from all the demands and judgements of my earthly father. I was set free indeed.
Enjoy the love❤ you deserve it
Don't cut yourself short and do the hard work of recovery and loving yourself. There is no short cut to this.
My family is falling apart because I removed my invisible name-tag ‘Scapegoat’. They no longer find relief or release from me. I removed the buttons they push. It’s getting ugly. The reality is its been ugly since day one. Everyday means more as you respect yourself from a place of peace. Thanks be to God.
Isn't that the truth?! It's just a DIFFERENT kind of ugly! It is INDEED a painful thing when you start to extricate yourself.......
My friend keep resisting the devil and go to the Lord Jesus Christ to meet all your needs for love and adequacy. God bless in Jesus name amen. The body of Christ is our real family.
It's amazing how poor the functioning actually is for narcs & their flying 🐒s... They're very dysfunctional ordinarily but it goes to another level once the scapegoat removes their invisible name-tag.They typically end up turning on each other among other things😳.
This is so true
Narcissists will trade you the worst of themselves for the best of you. It's a really bad transaction!
That's what we call a con-artist🤢.It's like the stereotypical sleazy used car salesman that tries to sell you a lemon & they tell you what a "great deal" it is🙄.
Wow, I tuned in at the right time. My 87 year old dad has been guilting me and shaming me, making me feel like I'm a stupid teenager again. Dad, look at me, I'm 61, not 16!
He’s never going to see you as anything other than his hand or foot
Wow. I appreciate your comment because I thought I was the only one that had to also remind my toxic fam of my age.
Even if you were a teenager the disrespect would be inappropriate. They're running their mouths at grown adults like THEY can't get a spanking💪...
“There is still a healthy person in there.” Omg I needed to hear this
"Calmness is everything". That's right on but sooo difficult to master. Growing up in a narcissistic family system is akin to being raised in a cult. You've been programmed from birth to react and behave in a very specific way. And even after you recognize that fact you still experience the same reaction when you're triggered.
Very true. I found hypnotherapy and tools like kundalini yoga helped me to release those patterns. Both work with the subconscious and breath work to release trauma.
It's never too late to undo the damage others have caused us and forge ahead!
Excellent, very true 😅
In my thirties, when I found out that NPD was actually a clinical diagnosis and not just my mom being the queen from Snow White, it changed EVERYTHING for me. Understanding that trying to love my mother and be a part of her life was akin to trying to safely handle a rod of cobalt was what finally allowed me to go no contact and start reclaiming myself. I think understanding what is wrong with the other person can sometimes help us finally detach for real, without the burden of an overwhelming guilt plaguing us the whole time we try and move on. It can be so unbelievably liberating to finally know that it's really not your fault and actually had nothing to do with you from the beginning, and more importantly that there's absolutely nothing you can do to change them. After the grief of losing the relationship, and the healing that needs to happen after for a bit, comes the joy of learning to love yourself.
You’re singing my song @justanotherjezebel as I have considered my birth mother the queen in Snow White too. It’s been a two year healing period for me once I recognized that woman as a malignant narcissist. During this time I reparented and learned what positive communication was, realizing I was never listened to, or talked to, I was cajoled, coerced, and criticized.
@@KatWoodland virtual hugs. I'm so happy you're healing. ❤️
Love Mr. Wise! He certainly lives up to his surname.👌
"wisdom is never taught; wisdom is gained from direct personal experience and self-reflection. To challenge one's established beliefs and assumptions leads to spiritual growth. Stagnation comes when we believe too long in childhood dreams."
"To know love is to know trust; to know oneself is to know truth."
cc. 2020
Yes he sure does
Following on spotify now
God bless him! Both Gentlemen.❤
I ABSOLUTELY AGREE 💯❤☺️👍
I lost ME so long ago that I have no idea who that is. I remember trying to be the PERFECT child, the one who takes care of EVERYONE ELSE , so I wouldn't suffer the rath of an alcoholic father with a raging temper. I then married a narcissist at 19 and I disappeared even more because as we all know, nothing you ever do is right or good enough for a narcissist. Left him at 30. My oldest son is also a toxic narcissist/alcoholic and I'm the target. My sister is a narcissist too. Also had a narcissist for a manager at work in my later years and finally walked out of there one day after 15 years. I have cowered and been silenced for years. I attract them like flies to cow dung! I am SO reactive and can never find my words......until 24 hours later. I have been working at being non reactive, especially when I'm blindsided, but completely cutting them out of my life is hard, especially my son. I'm 69 now and still find myself being the cowering 5 yr. old at times. This was helpful to listen to, thank you both.
Me too....just starting to be me now in middle age, and am doing what I want to now and enjoy it...these videos are great especially with these two...
Lots of similarities, I ended up running my own business, it's very sociable and therapeutic, and I have learned so much from the lovely people who use my business.
Wow 😮 outstanding to invite him as a guest! His knowledge is fantastic! I follow him as he covers different angle of narcissism! The family evil and scapegoating the good kid!
The title here of this one got me teary 😢
Absolutely outstanding. 🕊 I feel heard by you too! 🎯❤️💕🕊
Very much the same❤😢
My first time hearing Dr. Wise and I like him!
A lot of us grew up hearing that "selflessness" is a virtue.
We have to put our oxygen masks on first. We're no good to others if we're not first okay 💜🐾
Well said! 👍
Absolutely 💯 %❤
It is
@@flowerpower3618 yes, but there is a fine line between selfless and self-destruction. Maybe that is why we are reminded that two or more gather in prayer to get real lasting results. "No I in team," etc.
You are the 2 main people I follow on Narcissism.. I think both of you do an amazing job..
Pleased, Darin!
Same.
Dr C, just yesterday I was hoping you’d have Jerry Wise on as a guest. Both have been instrumental in my healing ❤
Much gratitude for both!
My husband tells me my cure for having been the scapegoat is to care for myself.
hey maureen,
hang in to THAT guy!!!!👍
Great answer 😅
Much Respect to You Both 💞
Here's To Being Wise, &
Dignity Respect Civility ♡
🎯😊
Right on!❤ Great combo!🎉
Well said!
As one gets older. one reflects..We have all done things that we regret and feel guilt and regret and shame even..We grow..Narcissistic people are very rigid..Absolutely no regrets for nothing. Basically, they have never done anything wrong. It's such a telltale sign that something is off
So agree, that is the telltale sign. No matter what they've done.
Such an important topic. So many of us raised by malignant narcissistic parents, we children, spend so much time having to behave in the manner the way our parents expect us to be... extentions of them... and in this brainwashing, we lose ourselves. No wonder so many us of, later in life will invariably end up asking ourselves, ' Do i like this because my mother/father expects it of me, or do I like this because, *I* generally, really like this...'
PLEASE JERRY AND DR. C …have more videos together because I watch both of yours all the time and to see you both together is just so so fun. God bless you.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
my 2 favorite podcasters having a conversation this morning. what a gift
Replacing the word "supply" with "self" really helped me.
You are two beautiful souls helping a lot of people. And....its interesting that one was a pastor and the other is a pastors son....God is in this message! Thank you both.
Loaning Self!!! Calmness Is Everything!!! Freakin' Brilliant!!!
Keep calm & carry on just like royalty 👸
@@caroleminke6116 Self- respect, human dignity. Joy.
The narcs hate calm people using grey rock method and having boundaries.
Two angels sent by God to help the hurting. Thank you very much for all you do. Love and peace.
I love Jerry's differentiation of real shame versus the false shame they project onto you. That's a huge shift in perception for me.
If I bring calmness and life experience to the table, as I am now past 70, and my controlling person brings chaos and anger, how do I not "Borrow" That? That seems to be the trick. For me, it means making sure to spend enough time alone in my own reality, apart from their broken record chaos and vitriolic raging about all the same old same olds. Yep, frequent re- centering seems to help.
I was the shattered but not completely annihilated scapegoat. I started to rebuild and integrate in my late 40's, I just turned 60 and I am happy with my progress. I found these videos in my mid 50's and finally learned about my life story. These videos are invaluable and both of you are saving more lives than you know, I can't thank you enough. My health has improved to the point that people tell me I'm aging backwards. Still damaged, but not broken.
I was told to "GET BACK IN THE FAMILY" I was living with my parents at the time ⏲️ but I had stepped out of my position in the family and was making changes 🙃 my position was scapegoat....when I moved, the smear campaign started and I lost my entire family including children.
I must say after I processed the loss and grieved adequately NOW MY LIFE IS DRAMA FREE AND ITS LIKE A PERPETUAL VACATION.
VERY CALM, PEACEFUL AND JOYOUS 😊
I love that, “perpetual vacation” and can soooo relate!
Jerry Wise" so many people try to go out and change others when they themselves are not changed". Sir Wise that was fire. Thank you for that statement. I wish I learned that sooner in my christian walk. 28:37.
The forces of good unite! Can't wait :)
This topic is exactly what I’ve needed-I’ve often felt profoundly sad that “I didn’t get to be me” and I’d love to rebuild my life.
I was raised to be “other-focused” and not self-focused and it’s so hard and discouraging. It’s hard to get interested or excited about doing things for me because it was never allowed to produce any results I could enjoy.
Anyway, thank you both for this wonderful video. 🙏🏻
Dr. C you are so gracious to provide JW with this wider exposure! God bless both of you!
I thoroughly enjoyed this interview!
@@SurvivingNarcissismreading the comments and I think we all agree on that! 😊
Learned calm firmness and confidence in the school of hard knocks. I'm 66 and survivor of several narcissists; believe them, it's the only thing that works. That and gray rocking.
Thank you, I can relate.
This is SO terrifyingly accurate . I KNOW that I lent my ENTIRE self (as well as my family) to my ex spouse. And he heartily borrowed and took every ounce that he could.
Mind you, he despised us all BUT he liked that he could capitalize (and weaponize) everything that was “attractive” and made HIM look attractive by PROXY.
It is sad that it all makes sense that I often had to tell him “You like the IDEA of me but you don’t like ME.”
I had NO IDEA of how truthful a statement that was way back when I first started saying that to him. He liked the IDEA of a nice family (and its resources) a faithful wife, beautiful children, but in reality, he resented and despised all the accountability and the fact that we would attempt to hold boundaries when the bad behavior popped up. As he is now my EX, you can imagine how THAT worked out.
But I have never been happier or freer than when cut the ties with the narc ex.
I am free. He most definitely is NOT (none of them are)
Yep. Totally agree 💙🙏💙
Thank you both for solidifying what I learned and knew as true for decades. I've made decisions for my life as I saw fit and learned to effectively deal with the backlash from family who want to "should" all over my life. My life's mantra: "You will always be too much - or not enough - for the wrong people." Sometimes that includes your own family!
“You will always be too much - or not enough - for the wrong people. “ I’ll remember this. Thanks!
That is a powerful and memorable motto, and it is not a mantra.
May your life always know Joy.
Thanks for sharing your words.
@@KaarinaKimdaly by this definition, it is indeed a mantra. Continued Blessings! Mantra: a statement or slogan repeated frequently.
@BaraSchmidt Thank you for those kind words as well❤
Excellent mantra,I'll remember it🌞👍🏻.A mantra I live by is "It's better to have a single lovely 🌹 growing in your garden than even a entire yard full of poison ivy"...It means it's better to have 1 genuine healthy friend than a bunch of toxic people in your life🙂.
The concept of the pseudoself is hard for people to grasp unless they have had a narcissist attach and drain them of self, returning to them the negative self or "internal chaos" from inside the narcissist. It's a process, and amounts to spiritual warfare. I am surprised I ever came to a point of breaking through my denial, so I can see it. Thank you for this presentation.
Exactly like a virus 🤦♀️ very primitive but also impossible to eradicate
You are right.
Plus, I like your handle.
E, too.❤❤❤
I meant to type me, too.❤❤❤
May I ask-- what helped you to break through your denial? I've been watching loved ones in denial for over 35 years, and it is painful to see.
OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN WATCHING BOTH THESE GENTLEMEN FOR YEARS AND TO SEE THEM IN THE SAME VIDEO MADE MY DAY!!!!
Really hit me hard, what would happen if you gave up the guilt and shame. I really needed to hear this as I progress. My mother is the guilt queen from the snivelling the looks the things she says despite the hurt and harm those words and looks do, like daggers to my heart. My feelings don't matter, I'm the bad seed in her eyes. Then it flips to the sugary sweet hugs and helpfulness. The trauma bond is lessening but letting go of guilt is the final hold ✌
Your mom is my mom….sniveling looks and what she says. She’ll say something hurtful and in the same sentence say I want you to be happy…what?! She’s 87 and I’m 63, and I live with her. Long story on how I got here, and why I’m stuck here with her. It’s been difficult at times.
Just venting but wish I could talk to you.
@@marykaymacshane1001 i hear you Mary, I get the negativity they exude. I live 4 doors from my parents, HUGE MISTAKE. I'm just a bit younger than you became very ill now long term. Dealing with anything around our mother's is 100 x worse because we are dealing with them as well. She is 80 and they're both worse now they're older. At least we now know we are not alone in our struggles. Our gen didn't have any of this info, if we had we would have run for the hills. Sending you validation and hugs 🤗
I am so happy to see this crossover! Thank you, gentlemen!
Both together in conversation? I’m much looking foward to that!
I think parents should be responsible not for their kids, but rather being a parent to them. Such as loving them and guiding them in way that recognizes who they are as a separate individual.
They should but a narc parent will not as their goal is to sabotage the child to feel better about themselves and to have power and control.
What a Dream Team! Thanks for this beautiful "session"! Big takeaway: changing another person...when a tree falls in the forest, it immediately and forever changes the environment around it. More sun, less competition for nutrients, etc.. But THE TREE itself was the ONLY CHANGE that INITIALLY happened. Changing ourselves WILL change the dynamics of our immediate or extended family, but we are only responsible for ourselves. Its not our responsibility to change others. This allows Freedom and Peace into our lives, and creates new solutions and new decisions. Thank you both for your amazing skills.
Thank you for the support of this wonderful collaboration. I appreciate your teachings, fellas.
Our pleasure!
Both of these great men have helped tremendously!
So pleased!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I would like to thank you Dr C, your insight helped me understand what was really going on not what I was taught to believe.
I love it when emotionally intelligent helpful kind psychologists collaborate!!❤thank you both for everything!
I see a placard with, "The malignant narcissist will never react well." Useful to remember 🎉🎉🎉
I love the fact that Dr Les who worked his whole life with this topic still invites people and scan internet, read books and so on to even learn more. ❤ Thank you!
Whew!! Yes (I haven’t finished the whole video yet)- my road to beginning the process of acting upon my own true self and building my life around it- that has been confidence! Identifying what my feelings vs their feelings and perceptions, identifying my emotional+thought compulsive responses to their stuff and what the purposes of my responses were, and then seeing myself for who I actually am. Then I was able to begin the process of choosing myself and managing my emotions and then slowly moving through layers of grief. It’s worth it, and I’m not even on the other side of it yet ❤❤❤
🙏❤️
Dear Jerry Wise and Les Carter, you are my most favourite people in the field of narcissism. You truly helped me to SAVE MY LIFE. TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY. THANK YOU. Please, a lot of videos together! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
And Dr Ramani is up there for me too.
@@jenp5759 Yes, she is great in many ways, too! 🙏🏻
This was like beautiful music, so positive and harmonious.
@@jenp5759 I like Dr Ramani 👍
@@jenp5759Yes, Dr. Ramani , too. ❤
So glad to see two of my favourites together!
Two of my favorites in one place! This is a great topic - thank you both!! 🙏
Nailed it. I am 67 yrs old finally shutting down the demands of my elderly sociopathic narcissistic father. As an empath, I simply can't survive his chaos.
Here's the next problem: " How are your parents? They are your parents and they need you! It's a sin!"
Sooooo, more judging. Just what I need to heal ...not
It's more abuse coming from people who just don't get it. We are fighting for our lives and our sanity. No matter how you explain it they will just keep hammering you with, "They're your parents! You have to love them no matter what!" We are only in the infant stages of a significant aggregate of people understanding narcissism. Most WON'T get it. You do you. Commit to thriving and cutting poisonous people out of your life who cannot enhance your lovely being. That means EVERYBODY who doesn't get it. You may end up profoundly lonely, but you have to do it to rescue you.
@@ShelleyTwedt In my experience having zero tolerance for toxicity has resulted in exponentially increased levels of happiness and contentment. Sure sure I had to do two years of grief work. Now daily life is fun just because I get to be Me now! No more criticism. No more complaints. No more endless loop arguments over nothing!
I offered a green smoothie lol...I think calmness breeds clarity
Two good teachers - thank you both!
The world needs this wisdom!
Yes, and I count myself fortunate to witness it, and hope to follow their example, growing in love and wisdom,
and living that.
I am experiencing gratitude in the cardiac region, even though it is through a teeny screen. Amazing.
I like that: 'Emotional location' in the family. I have never heard that before.
Wow this is awesome my 2 favorite together! ❤️❤️ I will listen to this ⚡️⚡️💪💪
Great title, that is exactly what I've been working on. I feel alone in the real world but feel the rain drops of validation from jerry wise, patrick teahan, many more. Xx
Ooh a collab with Jerry Wise!! ❤ I love his channel too, I can't wait to see this one!!
This is the dynamic duo of being wise and having dignity respect and civility. I am a long time listener of these great and compassionate men who pour love and peace into all they touch. Thank you for encouraging me to get to know me. ☺
Two legends! Buckle up!!!!
He's like a wise brother. You're still "my Dad"!!!
What a nice compliment!
Wow. Two giants in the field. I could have listened to them for hours!!!
Love Jerry's channel! He does a great job of explaining things within the context of a toxic family system. The family system context opened up a whole new understanding for me. It also helped explain why when we call things out, the *system* reacts to try and keep us in line. It helped me understand why I had to go no contact with my family of origin, and not just the main abuser in the family.
I agree with you. The malignant family system can also be replicated, when unhealed people from such systems get into other systems, such as classrooms, work places, assisted living residences, etc., hospitals, etc.
where the people will get into power positions,; they crave power over others and over narratives.
This dynamic is so toxic and does staggering damage to people and to society.
Oh, two other systems: 'religious' systems and politics.
@@KaarinaKimdaly Absolutely! They contaminate the culture.
Thx Mr. Wise! & thx Dr. C... another classic! I too couldn't answer self-focused ?s but U help me understand: I supressed my self & took on another's emptiness. Years later I followed Christ & emptied what I'd believed 2B me: I found fullness, &, 4 1st time since childhood, stopped feeling suicidal. ❤😂
Finding the Plenum.. .
This was absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for this DR Les and Jerry, You're right they want to fill you with them, They steal you, You're qualities, Talents, Personality, Creative mind, Duplication, Deception, All glory to the universe, The most high, God is great, Discernment, Peace, love, Respect to you both and everyone, Thank you universe 🌷🐎🌲👽😍🌝🦄🌹🐉🌌💚🌈😃🕊🦁😇💛💜☘😊
Two of my favourite experts on narcissism here on YT, together! What a treat. Thank you!
Oh Dr. Carter!!! Homerun out of the ballpark! Jerry Wise is wise! And so are you, good Doctor! Thank you. Needed this today!!!
Glad you enjoyed it! Jerry is one of the good guys!
@@SurvivingNarcissism It brought joy to my heart to listen to you and Dr. Wise here so harmoniously communicate.
When I was about 7 or 8 my father sat me down and gave me a harangue about how awful women are, how women are responsible for everything bad in the world, how men are never at fault. I have never known who I really am. The only time I felt any sense of self was when I was completely alone. I grew up thinking that I was worthless and bad. My mother, was a very kind hearted person but back in those days husbands and fathers had the last word. She tried to protect my sister and I and keep the family together by telling us “Your father is always right, he’s never wrong, never question him, never argue, never talk back, never ask for things, do exactly as he tells you. Our job in life was to keep our father in a good humor. That wasn’t easy, but I worked hard at it. My older sister didn’t try very hard to keep him happy and so he treated her horribly. He tried to get me to participate with him in emotionally abusing her, and sometimes I went along with it. I felt and still feel really bad about that. I was an anxious little kid who picked at sores on my legs which my father thought was a sign of insanity. The word anxiety never came up in our family. Later I found out that my father thought it was a form of insanity and self indulgence. My mother passed away in 2006. Papa passed away in 2012. He became more manipulative after my mother died. I still have the same distressing startle reflex and self doubt I had as a kid. I was married to an abuser and chronic liar for 16 years. He died in a road accident one night and I never remarried. I don’t need another boss. It is good that there are people like you who help the children and spouses of narcissists.
First, I am so sorry for what you've been through and continue to struggle with. No child should endure what you have.
Second, the things you feel shame over, in your childhood, were not in any way your fault. You were a child in a viciously abusive situation just trying to survive. It's time to love that child as she should have been loved every single day. So much healing will flow from that. Inner child work to nurture and protect the little girl who deserves that will begin the process of healing those many layers of shame and trauma.
Then some hypnotherapy and breath work can continue the healing and release, and both are very gentle, comforting and effective. They can help to restore your nervous system to it's natural state, so you are no longer living in fight-or-flight mode.
You can still have a full, beautiful life and you deserve that ❤
Thank goodness your life is finally void of the insatiable narcissist.
Two of my favorite counselors together! I love that Mr. Wise specifically addresses the family dynamics of growing up in a dysfunctional family. You have both been such a help to me, thank you.
I really appreciated this talk with Dr Wise as I’ve just started watching his videos over the last few months. Between you two guys and Dr Ramani, you’ve provided a golden framework for navigating through a dysfunctional narcissistic family and realizing that you often can’t enlighten them for a better and healthier relationship.
I think that the serenity prayer is a really applicable gem of wisdom for these situations. Hats off to you guys!
This is nice.. rebuilding your core self after being so abused.. music to my ears ❤ I still have fear of this happening again. I think its more of them emptying you & I am not giving.
My two favorite dudes!
I dont know if these two great people know how much they help with their words. Thank you both.
Please, click the like button for these wonderful counselors😊
For someone previously trapped in one of these family systems, this episode is just mins blowing clarity. Thanks Jerry for explaining things so clearly. The discussion about what happens when you don't get back in line was just too accurate
I know that I am a capable person but I hear the negative talk of my mother..on a loop.
Thank U gentlemen .. life parallels itself .. toxic relationships on all levels
Love it.
Know thy self
You have no control other than YOURSELF
❤😂🎉
Stay calm and carry on
Knowledge is power
Thank you, Dr. C and Jerry or standing up for God and not being ashamed to mention Him and not side step. GOD WILL HONOR AND BLESS YOU VERY MUCH.
God is not a he or a she but an us
The Holy Trinity❤
Amen, "Let God be true and every man a liar ".
@@caroleminke6116 If you believe that then say it in your own original comment.
Thank you Dr. C for bringing in Mr. Wise. All love from South Africa!
You're welcome.
This applies 100% to my narc ex-husband and his super-narc parents:
They were all EXTREMELY skilled at ‘managing’ their calmness and showing zero reactions so they can inject their malignant, manipulative, toxic opinions and behavior into anyone that was not with them, and then stand by and watch the reactive fruits of their plantings. This talk would go down as N/A to them.
But the undercurrent is dangerous scary rage
@@caroleminke6116: Yes, rage! That’s exactly the reaction they expect to see from their plantings.
Worlds colliding! I love you two and I love you two together! I grew up distant from my dad (I had many stepfathers but…) and I consider you both like second fathers ❤️
Perfectly explains why I always felt like a dumpster where my mother would dump all of her endless complaints, discomfort with everything, frustrations, petty dramas, all kinds of drama, worries, gossips, conflicts with ppl ,all her energetic and mental garbage and negativity. That was the most attention I had from her, besides taking some care of me when I’d get sick, no wonder why I was always sick and I confirmed it’s cause of my body was trying to fight off all that negativity and obtain some motherly care 💔
Thank you Les for having Jerry. Calmness is everything. God bless you my friends!
So true, and when you've been traumatised by a narc parent, or two, calmness and peace is something we desperately crave.
I was one of those people who wanted to fix my narcissistic sister , I starting to finally understand that it starts with me. Great advice gentlemen! It’s also great to hear laughing in a constructive manner!
Great convo with Jerry, Dr. C. The beginning set a good tone. Appreciate the discussions that you have with others in this space. It’s also refreshing hearing from more men in this space.
Yes, these days, women make up about 75% of the profession.
Love myself and let God love me ❤️❤️ perfect!
This is stuff I surely need. Thank you dr C.
Thank you, in advance, Mr Wise.
Ooooh gooooody! I watch Jerry all the time. I certainly do. Love you both.
God bless you both. From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
The interrupting was really intense. We all need to wait our turn to talk. Thank you for your calm and composure Dr. C.
Jerry Wise was one of the few calm, sensible voices that helped me find my way through the painful maze of dealing with a toxic family of origin. When he desceibed a conversation in which his mother was "pinging" him about his hair being too long, and he asked "does it bother you, because it doesn't bother me." My head nearly exploded because I recognized so clearly the subtext of 99% of my 'sweet little old lady' mother's communications - "you need to figure out what I want from you, do it, and feel guilty about being a disappointment to me, always."
I now weigh her every word against "is this a me problem or a her problem?" I stopped being her #1 target about a year ago, and she's very salty about that, but she's aware I'm no longer concerned about her snarky remarks, silent treatment and temper trantrums. I can't even work up the energy to get angry because life's too short and beautiful to try to logic with a toddler.
A few years ago, my mom grilled me for 10 minutes because I left a spoon in the mug of tea I was drinking. She couldn’t not grill me. I wasn’t at the point where I could tell her that if it bothers her, that’s her problem, not mine. None of my friends could understand her behavior. It’s just who she is.
These 2 are my absolute favorites on this topic. So glad they got together and posted this! Wonderful
When you feel guilty for feeling happy, double down. Do that thing and reward your self for it. Your success and happiness is the best revenge.😊
You two together have made understanding the effects of Narcissism on a person so clear. All that Dr. Wise explained is what I have been experiencing. I am sentient. I feel my inner self/energy being shoved to a corner creating emptiness, and all I feel and hear in that void is the narcs thoughts, and how it should make me feel. But all this time my subconscious keeps nagging me to pay attention to myself. The self that's suppressed, and free it. I occasionally succeed in having it expand through me and then the narc takes over again. After listening to this collaborative and educational session, I am able to keep the narc out as I cut off the deal with her 😉 no more of her, only me. Which is also coming from Dr. C's book "Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me."
Hi, thank you so much You Dr.Carter , Jerry Wise two of my very favorite teachers ! Also love and respect very much a Dr.Rhoberta Shaler who I think you and your viewers would love too. 🤗
What a fun surprise! Two of my favorite mentors. I took Jerry's group coaching program and it was powerful. Thank you both for sharing your wisdom and empowering those of us on the receiving end of this crazy-making behavior.