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This Is What Narcissists Expect After Creating Turmoil
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- Опубликовано: 7 янв 2024
- You'd like to think that narcissists would make proper adjustments after being inappropriate. But instead, they flip the script by reminding you that you need to shape up. Dr. Les Carter highlights their most common requirements of you, even though they are the ones creating a mess in the first place!
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his RUclips channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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What amazes me is how they can be utterly vile to you one minute then get offended when you show you're upset by their actions. It's like they are truly unaware of how cruel they are but you're not allowed to hurt their feelings.
Please keep doing this Aaron, you can tell me everything, it does help, it's true, I know nothing, but I can go all out, and talk ,me bad, man shame is nothing, don't copy that fool linda, this community is helping, our Aaron is real cool, he has been in this mess, but he did not play ugly, our Doctor will help, our Aaron knows crazy people, what ever my go team healthy does, don't me ugly like linda can, I like Aaron, he has good intentions good advice, be cool linda, your only one person, don't eat ugly
What?
@@CJ-hz1uj You can catch a glimpse of that demonic smirk as they feed on your pain then act either aloof or concerned to further add to the instability and chaos.
What I am exploring is that to be healthy we need to self reflect and self correct our behavior. I am noticing that the NPD person seems to replace this mechanism with one that does not self reflect and does not self correct, but instead persistently deny, rationalize, and blame.
Exactly! They are so cold and heartless. I can be crying my eyes out, or sick, no sympathy or affection.
Narcissists love, love, love chaos, discomfort and discord...it's exhausting.
EXHAUSTING - All caps, bold, underlined.
TheY are PARASITES ...NOTHING ELSE YOU CAN EXPECT THEY ARE BORN TO SUCK POSITIVE ENERGY!!
Yes. I’m 100% exhausted.
As long as they get the response (satisfaction of seeing you squirm or respond accordingly, acknowledging, adding to...? the turmoil??) IDK , this has been my experience anyway.
It is how they get their narsisstic supply.
Energy rob bers.
After they create turmoil, they want you to apologize
A career criminal will burglarize your house and then blame you for not having better locks.
Yes!! Always
That was the female caretaker. She always did the vindictive.They made me into the reaction position. She was really crafty. Then I scream she hangs up then I was the one always apologizing for her shit. Last one of those and I had decreased contact steadily for 10+ years.. Last sick calls. I never called back to apologize for her sick ways. Two years back. Not full two, this fall is two years. She just popped up. We texted wrong number back. Then my eldest sibling text popped up.
Or expect you to fix whatever it is that he screwed up.
Incredible isn’t it!
Narcissists will brainwash you into thinking you're a Narcissist
LoL. Tyvm cuz after 49 yrs I'm just now Realizing The Abusive behavior from my mother Fits to a T as a narcissist. Ive really been looking at it with an open mind I'm looking at my part 2I've been wondering if I'm a narcissist so Yes thank you very much
So much this.
I've been labeled narcissist by my daughter. It's so sad. It seems everyone is a narcissist these days. The label is being thrown around and destroying people's lives. It needs to be more thoughtfully considered. I am not a narcissist. I have severe cPTSD from the relationship with her father.
@@Iam...--- I completely agree. The term is thrown around like it's nothing. I have some awful neighbors who call me a narc all throughout the day and night at every opportunity they get to. Funny thing is, I keep to myself, and they are the ones who display the behaviors of a Narcissist. It's nonstop and annoying. They laugh a lot after talking crap. I do have BPD and CPTSD, but I have worked on myself for many years and just want to be left alone. The worst part is that there are a lot of kids calling everything and everyone narcissists as well without understanding what exactly it is. I think social media, the influence of friends, and the misguidance of bad parents/ guardians have a lot to do with it. A lot of people seem to have become super sadistic, and interestingly enough..narcissistic, nowadays. They don't care about anything or anyone else; they only care about what seems fun to them at the expense of others.
@@Zelphraeya_ I'm so sorry. Society has collapsed on it's self. I too keep myself safe. Focus on yourself and your health. I won't allow others to pull me down. I've survived enough. As you have too. Hugs and Loves
I regret mistaking my husbands narcissism as unresolved trauma and trying to be supportive
You’re not alone.
Oh my God yes!!
So much wasted time.
This is exactly what happened to me! And he kept telling me about his horrible childhood, so I would be supportive. But when he saw a psychiatrist and a therapist, he didn't discuss his "painful, abusive childhood." Instead he was complaining about me. This felt like a betrayal, too, along with physical, emotional and sexual abuse.
@@user-yj7xw8on2t my own therapist suggested to me that he may be suffering from cptsd, like me, and so i did have so much empathy for him but it was all wrong. He is a true narcissist even if its covert.
They love to flip the script! Especially with their temper tantrums!
If you catch them in their lies and attempts to manipulate, YOU are the difficult one for not falling for it
Dealing with that right now
Facts. When you show them proof in writing they will literally deny it and lie to your face when you can BOTH SEE it written in black and white. The gaslighting is astounding.
Right! Okay, I'm difficult for being to smart for that bs. Oh well!
Describes my older sister.
Hoorah for being difficult!!!!
The narcissist creates turmoil for you because they can't get away from their own inner turmoil. Making you miserable somehow makes them happy.
Misery loves company. I guess that’s why they do it.
So sadistic 😢😮
It absolutely makes them happy. I cannot even begin to describe the utter look of satisfaction on my former friend/colleague’s face when she said something that was particularly cruel to me. The smug look of gratification on her face told me everything that I needed to know about her. It was in that instant, that I realized that she didn't have a single redeeming quality about her. That was the beginning of the end and, shortly after, I went no-contact.
they are Nuts& I pity their Sons& daughter.. just pitiful..
Cousin,"" Andrea' said to my mom [ mom was 90]. Wow Mary you look bad. Oh, did I hurt Your Feelings.. ?"DENSE
They can't admit they have a fault. So they never fix their lives. Run!
My brother the narc has my sis in law believing all his lies. He told her he was in reform school for 2 years from ages 14 to 16. I would have known he was gone. I was age 10 to 12. I told my sis in law it never happened. She said oh you were probably too young to remember! He has a T shirt from the reform school.! He could have told her he was the Pope and she would have swallowed it.
My mom has been running from her problems her whole life, she treated my partner very rude when we first met and she jumped up and down and screamed at my partner one day when she was visiting with my 2 yr old daughter sitting right there with her and then denies any responsibility. Then I had to set really strong boundaries and I've been harassed ever since by her trying to get me to break up with my partner and treating me like a possession. I am 37 now and just starting to heal and I've been in this trauma bond my whole life. It's hard to get away from this crap.
@@daniellucas6831 Yes it is. Take it from one who knows.
That reminds me of something that Jesus said, "Since you say you have no sin, your sin remains". In other words, you can't repent of something that you won't acknowledge.
This is it 100%!!!!
I have learned over 15 years that they have no logic and all their points of view, decisions and plans are completely based on constantly changing emotions.
Yes
And the belief that they are always correct & superior.
But then pretend that they're logical
Yes! And totally Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!
Can you imagine being that roiled up inside? Good lord they for sure are demons!
I had to move on without the narcissists in my life. No contact was my only option. Narcissists are users and abusers.
No contact is incredibly liberating. After all that abuse you owe them nothing. My narc tried to reel me back in for YEARS. Absolute bullet proof silence was my only solution.
After exhausting myself for decades trying to fix the relationship, I finally realized what I was dealing with.
@@karenfisher4170 Congratulations on finding your way out of that hole. I spent 35 years trying to be friends with someone who didn't understand the assignment. Never again.
cousin Winney the event Wrecker had NO CLUE, she burned out her Welcome Mat here Years ago; decades AGO!!
I can feel you strength...!! Lovely..!! @@dnwitte
They want you to apologize!!!! For what they have done!!
EXACLY !!!
That is hilarious and sad but true!
I fell for it, actually believed I was in the wrong for expressing that he hurt me & I apologized, believing that I was wrong for bringing it up. I’m so ashamed of myself.
@@Kay-lk2wy I know how you feel. I cringe at myself for things I've allowed and apologized for (their wrong doings) just to keep the peace. It's ok. At the time you truly felt you were doing the right thing. Be kind to yourself! 🙏
They have some nerve!
My narc always says, " I don't live in the past, you need to forgive me "
In other words, I'll continue with my despicable behavior, and you need to forget all of it.
It's insane!
They want you to be their enabler. By “forgive me,” they mean, “Join me in my wickedness.”
@@none562 No. They mean that you need to Suffer their wickedness, and without complaint. There is no joining. The only thing they want is dominance over you, and your submission to them with no questions or complaints.
@@cookiemama4 I refer to my ex as my narc just as I refer to my headache as my headache. It's not like I approve of him or even take ownership of him, but he is 'my narc' meaning the narc who is in my life that for any number of reasons I can't extricate myself entirely. I'm sure you also refer to 'my neighbor' and 'my boss' both of whom may be horrible people and when you refer to them, you are NOT putting them in any position of power. You are merely acknowledging your relationship to them.
Exactly what NarcDad said anytime I brought up abuse...even if it was two days ago, "stop living in the past"....I'm 47
@@cookiemama4 You have an odd definition of 'condemn'. I merely explained why people use the term. Maybe lay off the caffeine?
"My commitment is to a lifestyle that's anchored in peace." - Dr. Les Carter
I know I was dealing with one Ynot I was in disbelief but when I saw the sign I got OUT of the relationship.....
Oh that's good!
They rage, make false accusations, insult, criticize mercilessly, and project their faults onto you....and then they act like nothing happened and ask you to pass the salt at the dinner table.😂. You hear of people unaliving or graping someone and then ordering a pizza. Narcissists are like that at a lesser intensity and criminality.
Sickness! I recall this with my ex husband. He decided to lay in front of the television with his head at the couch and his feet by the TV. He wanted dinner and I had to step over his legs. He berated me!
I went on to make 'the best burger he ever had' blah, blah, blah. He needed sustenance for the hatching of his next ruminating plan.
When we moved in the landlord (she) said, "You are in trouble with that one!".
Likewise, when he worked under a female, he went on and one about her and planning upsets.
Exactly!!!!
YES!!! EXACTLY TRUE.
Adam Montgomery beat his five year old the car, threw a blanket over her, proceeded to drive to fast food and order and eat while she died in the backseat. Your comment is legit.
Temper abuse sexual addiction. Drug addiction sickly sexual desires and with men ?! Help MEEE Lord Pls
Putting pieces together at the end of his life last yr 19 yrs and no word from fam?!!! Disgraceful
They do terrible things then act like it's nothing.
He killed my pet :(
@@siobhanwisdom1500 I am so sorry. These people are demons.
@@mikepowell5094 Heart broken and angry at the same time.
@siobhanwisdom1500 I understand. Wouldn't take anything for my little dog. She wanted him I told her no. Now she's kicked out of her son's house. Living in a motel room and fixing to lose that she can't afford it.
they want to show you that they can make you betray yourself
Underrated comment.
1000 likes for this one. You put it into words!
💔
…ouch… 💔 that reality check hurt… deep… 😔
EXACTLY
I regret the time wasted with a narcissistic partner and his madness.
Don't regret, the Lord Jesus wanted you to learn something spiritually.
Or hers
So do I!
Good sharing that their drama is a waste of time .
The woman who wrote the book, “Potatoes, not Prozac”, has a degree in addiction nutrition. She talks about how addicts use sugar and alcohol to create endorphins (we all probably know that)-but also mentioned in her book that anger and arguing create endorphins too. She said that is why alcoholics, when they aren’t drinking, are so combative. They are using the combat to create endorphins. Not a good kind of endorphin, but a negative kind. Anyway, I thought that was interesting. Maybe something to think about as we consider narcissistic behavior.
We need to look at all angles when it comes to the narcissist.👍We will always conclude though that there's very little hope for the true narcissist.😔
My mother was the narcissist and my father was normally quiet but she would provoke a fight and she would keep pushing him until he started to rage. He did enjoy going out with his friends and play darts and drink beer. I wonder if there is a connection. She knew all his buttons to push.
Thank you for the info, I will look up that book.
FYI, It’s written by Kathleen DesMaisons, PhD and there is an updated version now.
@@sueg2658 Curious to know whether your father's behavior changed after drinking alcohol, like was there an obvious change in his character at all.
That is interesting!
This makes sense. I feel the narcissist in my life is addicted to negativity and gets a charge out of leaning into hostility. He says that’s just how he’s wired, he “vents” and moves on (and expects everyone else to move on, too!)
They don't want to hear their wrong doing.They behave as if it didn't happen.
💯
Name , blame , and shame game , narcissist only have two modes , hero and victim. They are really good at being a victim.
Always including work issues, attempts at friendships and childhood abuse.
They expect you tto look over and tolerate their awful ongoing behavior, to them they are perfectly fine, but the smallest thing you do will never be forgiven.
My narc mother held a grudge against me because 35 years previously I asked her to remove her outdoor shoes before entering a room I had just recarpetted (a room she had no business going in to) She said it was very 'off putting' so would not visit me for the next 35 years.
Truth!
I needed this. I cut my father off today. Finally. After 50 years of narcissistic abuse and dealing with his alcoholism. My whole family is mad at me bc they think all this just started in June when he had his stroke. No. It’s just gotten worse since then. My sanity and self worth is nonexistent. I cannot live like this anymore.
It’s a long road but stay strong. I made the mistake of letting the Narc back into my life 7 years ago after 8 years of no contact. What a big mistake I made! Now the Narc is ill and thinks I should cater to them. Well, that’s not happening! Good luck to you and you definitely deserve peace.
I'm going no-contact with my father as well. He finally added the straw that broke my back. Please watch Dr. Phil's videos on narcissism. They're really good. Even he admits they cannot be fixed and that attempting to fix them is above your pay grade. All we can do is manage them. He's the only family I have left but I can't take this abuse, mistreatment, and flat out disrespect anymore.
Stay strong. My wife went no contact with her narc father a few years ago. It was rough for her at first, but she's flourishing now
@@MidwestMoney yeah I’ve been having LONG conversations with my psychiatrist about my dad. He said the same thing. It’s sad too bc they come from being emotionally abused so they are so broken but can’t see they are now the person they hated.
I have done the same for myself. My family are very toxic and my narcissistic mother is the epicenter. So no more, to much damage and after trying everything and giving up and walking away I have peace and happiness. Stay strong and don’t go back and cut off anyone whom tries to reflect their bad behavior on you. I am very careful about screening out these people from my life now, never again! Never. I’m an extremely happy person without them. Look into stoicism for it will give you clarity. 🙏
They get bored or mad if the attention is not on them.
My soon to be ex said he shamed me and got revenge because I didn't make him #1 one night.
They expect loyalty and expect you to be trauma bonded
Narcissists have unhealthy ways to establish intimacy, its a one way street
I choose to remain free
Well said.
Expect, yes. It is their entitlement.
Trauma bonding, correct
My mom discarded me because I'm not "loyal" to her and thinks my wife is controlling me and what I say. It's just so bizarre to hear their rationalization for everything and blaming everyone else for anything that is unsavory for them.
@@daniellucas6831 How can a mother discard her own child. I'm sorry that happened to you. She wants you loyal to her, not loyal to yourself.
Only they are allowed to be moody, hangry and inbalanced when they are allowed to scold you for petty reason
So true!
@@TheVerbalAssassinFAFOI've recently learned that being myself only brings trouble. Things are most calm as long as I act like him and mirror everything he likes and approve of all his thoughts and desires. There is no me left. I got married, was the good wife, homemaker he wanted me to be, raised the kids mostly alone, Homeschooled all three children and guess what? He still managed to have quiet little "moments with young women" He doesn't call an affair. Secret online accounts.. you name it . We fight everytime I try to hold him accountable for all those times by expecting him to answer his phone when he's gone long periods of time. We are now grandparents and now all he wants to do is focus on me and what I do to "goof up" or just don't measure up to his approval.
I'm 5"2 and weigh 110lbs, he's 6"2 and weighs 270. I'm not intimidated even though he has PTSD from the war. I guess, my good old father taught me not to fear because he constantly intimidated me growing up with his own PTSD and drunken stuppers. I'm having the time of my life realizing I was terrible at picking a mate for life 😢
I dropped some butter on the floor today in the kitchen and you would’ve thought I burned the whole house down. The amount of vicious insults that ensued was absolutely devastating. I reacted with reactive abuse and many F words and tears… I’ve been so good at not reacting for so long but when you take such hits to your dignity, it’s pretty tough.
They are like toddlers, only toddlers can be excused.
Glad you let loose on that creep. They need to see you have inner dignity that will not be shat upon by the likes of them.
Butter and batter up baby. I would have made him wear it LOL 😆
@@SurvivingNarcissism A yes Dr. C in this statement is where I’m struggling gravely in the duality.
Go easy on yourself. But work much harder on not reacting
They are ignorant of healthy ways to communicate. And be aware that he is Baiting you. Especially in front of others. Get some rest. You need it. It's exhausting to deal with them. You are not the problem. He is. I'm here to tell you to keep moving forward and gray rock him. Be boring. Don't give him the reaction that he wants. Because then he will win at making you look like the problem. So please work hard on restraining your emotions. View him as an overgrown child having a tantrum.They crave that reaction. Be strong and be at peace knowing that you are only human and you'll get better and better at not reacting. It takes a ton of patience. Hang in there. Hugs.
My father was a narcissist. My older sister was always a troublemaker growing up. There was always turmoil growing up. In her adult life she still likes to create turmoil. You can't even have a simple conversation without her getting loud, being negative and just causing alot of unnecessary drama. My dad passed away and it was like she needed to amp up her narcissistic ways. At age 66 i just couldn't do her anymore. I chose to go no contact after she caused a big scene while our younger sister was visiting. At age 66 I figure its my time for peace and calm! Thank you for your teachings!
I am 65 and doing the same thing with my Sister. I have had enough and now all I want is her out of my life.
One of my biggest anxieties is being forced to deal with my psychopath sister and her malignant narcissist husband after my parents pass away. Can you give me any advice on how to deal with them regarding all the arrangements, sorting out the home, will etc.
YES
Nature abhors a vacuum. If that one who "stirred the pot" is removed, someone will step into their place because it feels wrong not to have that drama in their lives.
We have the same sister, apparently
An astonishing amount of energy is burnt by the mental gymnastics needed for narcissistic behavior...It must be exhausting.
I think that's where the temper tantrums come from, they are always dealing with an anxiety they blame others for. The external world contradicts their assumptions and expectations.
@@efdangotu I quite agree. A good thought and perhaps another piece of the puzzle found.
Exhausting is as bad as the feeling of believing you are crazy. I'm not sure they understand it but they only see there way.
Have you ever noticed how quick they are at being that way? Rocket fire speed. They let the demons take over and the demons just take them for a ride, they get a dope hit from the control they gain… when they interact with me, it’s like running into a brick wall.
@@slayerofsatan1049 Exactly. It may be that the dope effect deadens soul level pain, and also deadens the soul. It's unquestionably dark.
They dump garbage then expect you to perpetually pick up the pieces and cover 'em up.
Yep! When you quit playing their game, it drives them crazy, or crazier I should say...
People that haven't been exposed to a narcissist can't relate. Im so grateful you do and help us understand and be an advocate for sanity. Thank you for sharing your expertise.
Thanks. Once you've come face to face with their chaos, the need for alertness is heightened.
ain't that the truth ! and, not all narcs are created equally. a dear friend of mine shared some details of the narc her daughter was married to. she professes to understand my situation . however, her daughter did not suffer the physical abuse or the life changing psychological and emotional devastation. hers was more control and manipulation.
so yeah, there are so many different variations of narcissism. all leave you in a state of bewilderment.
I feel uncomfortable with the statement "People that haven't been exposed to a narcissist can't relate." Perhaps that statement just propagates the problem? There are people who may not have empathy, but are sympathetic and willing to listen and understand. That being said, I am empathetic to what you are saying based on the people I was raised around and I know where you are coming from. There are good people in the world. Surround yourself with them.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Yes, I honestly believe you are helping keep lots of people sane. Thank you!
After creating turmoil it's like they give you a broom, expecting you to clean up their inner chaos, which is of course all your fault for you are the true problem and while you are breaking down more and more, breathing in their rotten cloud of dust, they expect you to keep on smiling (admire me now, confirm me now etc.) because their show of pretending must go on and on and on. And you must try harder and harder and harder.
So it's no wonder that you are never feeling enough in their presence and after having inhaled their toxic cloud for so many years, this "not being enough" has become your own mantra.
So true.
Absolutely. When our mantra should be, 'our best is enough' I hope you are well❣️
Exactly. Although he refuses to listen, occasionally I remind him that the chaos began and continues because of him.
Great depiction. And the broom👍🏼!
Yep. It's like throwing pennies into the grand canyon and expecting it to fill up.
My guess is that they expect you to take responsibility for the turmoil they made. 😮 They make you clean up the mess. 😰
Yeah, I think you are right!
@@sage9836 They never take responsibility.
Yes..in my case, that is exactly what happened. Our finances were kept a secret from me. When it got to the point I couldn't pay for groceries or growing children's clothes and we were also darn near homeless (because the mortgage had not been paid) the narc came to me with thousands of dollars in credit card debt and ask me to fix it!
Very well spoken there
Yep. To illistrate the entitlement: Ex would fix something and leaves his slaves to clean up the tools after him. Then when he couldn't find where the tools were, he would have a fit and come after us. I recall asking him where he left them last??
I can create turmoil in the narcissist's life by just saying NO! Of course, I am then the worst person in the world.... but the stonewalling is so peaceful, which makes it's all worth it
“The problem is that you just don’t understand the world revolves around me!”
“The first expectation of you-and there’s not a clean way to put this- “ They expect you to be stupid.”
I laughed out loud! This is so true. It’s as if they don’t think you see through this. When you become awakened- it’s so blatant.
And it changes nothing even after that revelation. 😢
It's almost worse when they realize they are dumber and cannot get away with anything they have been able to with others. The rage intensifies quickly and frequently then. Just pointing out illogical things and getting their agreement something is not rational, before they realize they're agreeing that they are wrong, or their excuses are lies, or exaggerations aren't real, or over reacting is immature, and manipulation is abusive. Then they do that thing they just admitted was wrong, or say the lie, and get proven they are lying, and you Grey rock their attempts to rile you up. Raging for both getting caught
being destructive, and also having been lead into acknowledging that they are aware of the harm, and ill intent.
Something close to insanity happens. You can almost hear their brains pop 🎉🎊 and then they snap, as they would have anyway, but much more focused on being trapped in their own lie by themselves, that you made them do it..that they want ro punish you for it.
it's dumbfounding, really!
Like catching a little kid sneaking candy, and without calling them out having a heart to heart talking about how stealing isn't right, who it hurts, them and the other person, and they agree, you then ask what's in their hand and they lie, 'nothing' then you offer them something they want and they expose the candy in their hand, and figure out they told on themselves, get mad at you for tricking them into exposing their dishonesty. Like that but as a raging middle aged man....
Even if they cannot manipulate they will still go to extremes to provoke a reaction. And the resentment for not getting away with playing mind games, to be abusive, and having to resort to direct abusive tactics is beyond enraging to them. And when that doesn't create the drama for them to escape as planned, they still run away, stonewall, or wait to try to rewrite what really just happened and redirect and project or change the subject, bait and switch, they run through their playbook.
And when they finally figure out they cannot pull one over on someone for once, they detach with contempt. Maybe to resurface later and try to rewrite things again.
I've only dated 2 for sure narcissists. Wound up saying to each of them at some point to date someone dumber, or get better at lying and manipulation. And that was after a long time of reassuring them they were smart, so many ways, so often, well before I got to the point of being blunt defending myself from some of the most absurd made up shit. Like butter or the name of a restaurant. Super extravagantly irrational power plays to cause derision, and express hostility.
Strong insecurities and constantly measuring themselves to others..any slight sense of being inferior, in their perception, is dysregulating, and angering.
They do try to find some one less aware or secure in themselves.
They know exactly what they are doing
Yes.
Narcissists predictably go for the jugular and lash out. They’re mostly incapable of regulating emotions and are highly triggered and reactive. The narc in my life takes pleasure in blasting me verbally then I get the silent treatment for a day or two followed by him acting like everything’s fine.
There is this book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Marcia Grad Powers and Albert Ellis. I recommend it often. It can make ya cry as you see the light. Tear you up and be just fine routine is in this book.
Peace and harmony, our Doctor, his family, thanks to his wife, she helps alot too
Wash, rinse, repeat.
Yes same treatment from a family member. Except instead of a day or two, first major time it was two years silence for two years. Being called toxic and many degrading names. We have another year of silent treatment , I miss him terribly and will always love him, but I can’t be treated that way anymore because we deserve better. No more excuses.
Mine, too.
after their turmoil , narcissists expect an apology
Narcissist expects to be propped up and while we resume our position of unworthy.
Hi Fred... I see you have an entire Aha playlist!
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes this is one of the bands that I grew up with they have nice melodies and lyrics thank you for showing interest Doc you are a very open minded man!
Yep!
LOL😂
Yes! Had to deal with that with ex husband and son. Demons.
They are good at creating chaos behind the scenes and when you wait and when you get with in front of other people, they’ll do something just to trigger you enough and you get upset knowing what they just did and then let the others think you are unstable
They'll use every tactic imaginable to rope you back in. 1. Anything to get their way then, 2. they push you out of the way, 3. Repeat
It seems to be a cycle. It is mind boggling.
Wow so very well put. Thank you
@@zoespiteri5034 Thank you!
Yes. It took me many years to see this pattern. Not letting him trigger me is key.
Roller coaster ride.
It's so hard to heal from the hurt that comes in that kind of relationship, when you are an older senior.
Many Drs. Say the Narcs are attracted to people who are empathetic.
I just heard another psychiatrist say" you don't have to be nice to people who don' t respect you". That's a good thing to put into practice.
I finally figured it out. I give that person a hard stare. I purse my lips, stare at them and never give them the benefit of thinking I care. They HATE being tuned out, which is why I do it to them. Try it. It might work for you. Reclaim your strength!
♥
They exploit emphatic ppl because they cannot feel it for anyone besides themselves.
@@laliz7025 I can’t be bothered reacting to a person who can’t accept me, nor cares at all how I feel; who tries to embarrass and humiliate me in front of others.; and has gotten in my face in order to yell at me at the top of his 6’3” voice. He tried to intimidate me; tried to have me cower.……What is he willing to do next ? I don’t want to find out. For me, it’s been best to let that person go…..”Find someone else to be the butt of your ire.” No thank you. I cut that person from my life…..period…….I go: No Contact…….he is in my rear view mirror. Bye bye now.
Well-said, Dr. Carter; " You're not someone I can to stay attached to, I don't find you trustworthy. I no longer see you credible."
What are you talking about?
Thank you for saying out loud that my anger toward the narcissist is credible and valid.
We really really need support groups for people raised by these monsters
Circles is a support group, it’s an app. I use it myself!
yes!
Alanon. ACA. Switch the words from alky to narky. It fits. It's exactly what they are talking about.
Then they will be attended by all the narcissists because [they believe] they are the victims.
Yes! Some clinics, retreats and awareness in the legal community and the courts!
It took 35 years but his karma came for him. He’s slowly dying in a nursing home.
But since he is still insulting people, saying hurtful things, trying to continue using people, his 3 sons have abandoned HIM this time. Only the friends he impressed with lies visit him.
I would stay away. I intend to if this occurs in my relationship.
I have run into this type behavior a lot. Narcissism is so twisted and ridiculous. Its so insane and makes no sense. I don’t understand how the human mind can be so deteriorated and corrupted.
Pass down from generation to generation until someone gets aware and go in therapy and stop the madness. Lot's of us, daughters of narc moms don't have children. So it stops.
Satan is The Egotist (Genesis 3:6,13,16).
2 Timothy 3 💯
John 16:33
Isaiah 53 🎯
Yes protect them while they throw you under busses that weren't even there
“I know it’s not your fault, but Im blaming you anyway.”
Ha yeah! After sexual abuse by my birth father my mother said. " You don't know what it did to ME when I found out." My brother is a narc just like her. I just wrote him off. I am 67 and confined to bed. I have autoimmune disease and in pain. I'll never walk again. I realize I can't take this bull anymore.
@jackiemack8653 a result from all that trauma and toxicity.
Whats even more disturbing is that they feel they are always right and seem blind to the obvoius truth. They can't admit fault or give a geniune apology that isnt forced or in a "sorry you feel that way" type of apololgy. There is no empathy except for their own situation
Or they say “I said I was sorry but that’s not good enough for you” & this is the 1st time in the entire conversation that you’ve heard the word “sorry” 😢 (Meaning they don’t apologize but pretend they had earlier & obviously YOU are the nut who can’t let go)
If I told him he should apologize, my ex would say a quick, terse, under-his-breath "sorry", followed immediately by something like, "I want more variety of food on the table at lunchtime. And get all my shirts washed and ironed. I'm leaving on a trip Monday." The string of orders was his way of belittling and punishing me for having said he should apologize. With time, he wouldn't even give the terse "sorry". He'd just go straight to giving me a list of "orders" so as to get back at me.
❤❤❤
When pleasing you is killing me, yeah
If only the enablers or Flying Monkeys would stop going along with them! They are often abused too!
Dr. Carter, why do covert narcissists ruin every trip away , either by getting mad and not going at the last minute, or being sullen or disagreeble during the trip/vacation to ruin it. I am now 25 years of marriage later and thanks to your teaching, am able to enjoy trips away regardless of his tantrums. It used to break my heart.
I go through the same thing it's like being with a child who doesn't want to go anywhere! And when he does he barely has anything to say and has a look on his face...I can't stand going anywhere with my husband not that we do much to begin with...and too if I go to the store or thrift stores alone he ALWAYS has to make a comment that I'm always going out to the store...I'd love to tell him it's my break from you...besides who cares he doesn't like to do anything??? But wants to control what I do...
Dang it… same issue we would do well for 2 days but the night prior to leaving, this child like person with temper tantrums come out. Twice too many times for me.
They always have rages/tantrums before trips, holidays, and important events, etc. I stopped traveling with my narcissistic spouse years ago. It was always a nightmare and totally not worth it.
@gabriellapope935 that sounds so familiar. I can't stand to go anywhere with my narcissistic husband either.
I can't even get in the car with him. He complains the whole time and goes 20 to 30 so others are constantly honking and speeding past us. When I try to go out on my own, he rushes to do it for me. My whole purpose for living is to stay in the apartnent and deal with him so he can leave and perform perfectly around others. Since he lives to sleep, that's my time I use for myself. When I finally got a chance to separate from him, I took it. He still influences with financial and ownership control but I was able to learn about narcissism. I can relate to everything Dr Carter and the community shares. That strengthens me so I can also help others. ❤
Narcissists think loved ones are an extension of their psyche and emotions. It’s like they want you to intuitively act out or respond to their emotions w out asking. Read their mind.
I have had to tell both parents - separately - "There are a lot fo things I do but I do not read minds. And you don't either, so I'm not just genetically defective in that way." They HATE that. And thanks to Dr. Carter & some other excellent practitioners helping us here, what I've learned is that it is NOT MY JOB TO CARE that they hate it.
Even when you give a narcissist multiple opportunities to exit or de-escalate a conflict, they see it as a sign of your weakness and often reciprocate with something that is devoid of any semblance of contrition. As Dr. C. says, it's a chance for them to "dominate". I've nearly blown my top in the workplace many times, encountering this. I still get anxious thinking about it but I will tell you that being viewed as the calm steady one, whose reputation is, being gracious in these exchanges, is still what you want to be.
Your comment is so good !
With no warning and our daughter in my arms, I was introduced to strangers as his “ball and chain”. I was crushed and embarrassed before I said hello.
So I said “I didn’t know you felt that way. I’m sorry, I’ll leave” and I did.
It was a perverse victory and I should have pressed onward. Unfortunately, I let everything settle down. If I have any advice, it’s seize the moment and DON’T back down. Leave them glued in their own drama. It’s harder for them to fake victimhood for their flying monkeys.
❤️🙏
I had a very similar experience. The marriage only lasted another 6 months. I became inconsolably depressed. In his next marriage he was no less oppressive. They’re never ever happy.
I applaud you for that, wow!
Biggest mistake I ever made was not seizing an opportunity to end a relationship when I had the chance.
Narcs are a walking train wreck!
For my siblings, its the GREAT Discard. Pull you back in, then slam you to the curb for YEARS. But now we're getting old and I am done shelf sitting for these demonic players.
Get away, once and for all, and live life before we die!
Well said.
I have a neighbor like this. Ruthlessly bullied me, humiliated me and spread vicious untrue rumors about me. She lived for this chaos. What was worse to me is the way people just believed the garbage she said without seeing any truth to it. People can truly be sheep and just believe whatever they hear. I literally ignored her completely and didn't react or retaliate at all. Never said one word to her, and it went on over 6 years now. She gets madder and madder and madder every time I act like she doesn't exist. The more I ignore her the more her horns show and it eats her alive. Her true vile nature comes out more and more.
Sometimes it takes awhile for people to realize who's actually the problem. People notice your good behavior and the Narcissist is revealed.
Dr. C. took the words right out of his mouth: “Can you just overlook, forget and move on.” (Not even forgive because there’s nothing to forgive.) Those words were a hard punch to the gut after having PUT UP with the cause for 38 yrs. It shows how utterly complex this situation is, like a cancer.
We can rest assured knowing Dr. Carter validates the existence of all of this. Great correlation, Dr. Carter. Thank you. 🌹
That's exactly what I was thinking when I watched this. In their minds, there's nothing to forgive. We are expected to turn on a dime and put the past behind us. Move on. Even if the past was that morning's abuse. If we don't put it behind us immediately then it's our fault and we're rehashing the past. I was always accused of living in the past and stewing about things. But it just happened!
@@fineneighborhood: Exactly👍🏼. Pivot - just like they do after depositing all their trash.
It’s a healthy mind to keep past present and future together, or else we would be like them. We have morals, and like Dr. C. always reiterates: we don’t have to succumb into their ways.
Wayel ('Well' in a poorer neighborhood Texas accent) I'd say this video is Classic Texan Carter DRC. Yeah but he did a previous video over Xmas and it was called "8 ways Narcissists Perpetu...", and in it, he's more like somebody from Washington DC. How about that? Well maybe when wearing a dark colored shirt, he has more of his Mideastern style and in a light tone shirt, he's more southern inclined. Wow.
"Just Move ON!!!!!"
I left my narc at 38 years of marriage, too
37 years of repeatedly being told "That's in my past, I just have to move forward" or "That's ancient history", when confronted with the consequences of his poor decisions or bad behavior, my now ex-husband just expected me to overlook what he had done even when it caused great financial and/or emotional harm to me. He never once considered that the chaos that he often created and the messes that he left behind in his wake, impacted me also! He took little accountability for his actions, and I was always expected to just pretend like things did not happen or to overlook them, and often was expected to defend his actions to others! I am so relieved that I am no longer tangled up in his web of lies and irresponsibility, I wasted enough of my life in that mess! I am so very tired and just want some peace in my life moving forward. Thank you Dr. Carter for sharing your wisdom and encouragement. You are truly a blessing. Hello to Gus, what a calming presence he is.
Well stated. Sorry you lived with that. In my situation, the person literally said that something was in the past, if it happened 5 minutes ago! I wasn't "allowed" to bring it up and hold them accountable. Absolutely ridiculous.
It ain't "history " if they are still doing it.😂
Totally understand been there myself 😞
Something I keep telling my nars of 25 years and going and going and going...@littlebird6068
Just wow. I'm glad someone has taken the time to break this insanity down
It IS insanity. It requires completely suspended disbelief to keep such people around. 🤪
I agree ! I’ve said those exact things to my spouse and got the exact same comments back from him. This is spot on.
It's so devastating when the narc is your own adult child!
Mine is too.. had to do No Contact.
Mine too...I'm surviving narcissistic mother, two marriage partners....and both adult children, who I now keep far away from access to me. I do have faith in God thankfully! ❤
Me too. Very sad.
Yes, and although it pains me that I can’t have a relationship with him or my grandkids! But I will not get back into a cycle of disrespect and punishment. It’s too difficult to deal with him so unfortunately I’ve closed that door
If you think your kid is a narc, what does that say about you, the person who raised him/her?
“Incompetence” and “idiots” is how my narc describes everyone but himself. It’s every single doctor or nurse who refuses him pain meds. It’s the entire hospital staff, or the people that take his order in a restaurant that is always screwed up because he’s not a clear communicator. It’s every person he has to communicate with over the phone. He ends up shouting and cursing at someone if he doesn’t like the question instead of giving an answer. He will throw his phone, instead of take a breath and compose himself. Things that make him happy make me miserable and are bad for my health and the health of our animals but I am not allowed to tell him this because he’s always greatly offended by my discomfort. The way he turns things around in order to victimize himself when he is the cause of the problem is so wild that I am often left dumbfounded and speechless.
Exactly, they always twist themselves into being the victim.
This is timely. I did not show for holidays with narc. elderly mom. She called and right away tried to get me to come over for an event, when I said, no thankyou, she immediately started to shame me that I refuse to honor my mother and father. My father has been deceased over 20 years, and I am 66 years old. Not exactly a child living in her home any longer.
My mother told me the same thing! She also left myself and 4 other siblings when we were little. I say....be a mother to your children first, before you start expecting us to honor you as a parent!
Unfortunately I am stuck living with my husband the narcissist because of financial reasons.
I avoid him as much as possible. We do need some communication but I limit it as best I can.
Thank you for showing me I’m not alone and others are dealing with the same kind of people.
I am right there with you, forced to deal with regular episodes and i will not leave my pets alone with the insanity
That is why it is so important for us women to be financially independent.
@@aina2165 After 33 years of marriage and giving him half my life I didn’t see this coming. A 87 year old man having an affair with a 87 year old woman!!! And he insists they’re only friends. I’ve overheard the lovers conversations. Of course this is my fault and I’m stupid to believe they’re not just friends.
I was stuck financially too until the behaviour escalated to an unmanageable extent. I am now in a DV refuge with my daughter, financially screwed and dependent on others for everything I have. I have lost my home my animals my belongings etc but I’m free from the abuse and hopefully will heal with time. Be prepared for the worst so you don’t end up with nothing like I did.
Same here, 55 1/2 yrs. with the covert narc, I can’t leave due to finances and age. I do confront his behavior, and distance myself, and limit going anywhere with him, especially on a vacation. I do not trust him. He is a very sneaky, conniving person (if he can be called that). My greatest strength and peace are in my Heavenly Father. Where else can I turn, except to Father? He has my back🥰🙌🙌✝️🙏🏻
It’s crazy to me how similar they all are!!! There must be soooo many people out there who are narcissists. I broke free of one, but now I fear dating ever again. I feel at my age good men who are single are like unicorns.
They probably feel the same way.
FEEL, being the operative word. That is impossible. The only feelings are those of destruction, manipulation and total CONTROL. You have to decide what you’re willing to endure. @@deborahrichardson3731😅😅 Feel
Same honey, I understand now my older single relatives who would just say " im comfortable and set in my ways, i dont want to deal with it" 😂
DNA = Demonic Narc Association
I would like to be loved. But after what I went through, I fear that a new husband might cause me to loose my only possession,... a tiny, old, humble abode. As far as I know, there is no way to know if a man is geniune before marrying him.
I had a boss like this. He was so incompetent. Then he would blame his subordinates for being unproductive. Meanwhile we were working 7 days a week and getting all kinds of things done.
I can relate 👍
I can relate, too 👍👍
I've been in similar work scenarios. Always makes me wonder how the biggest Assholes get to the top of the ladder. I guess people believe in them, or they have a good connection. It's the wolf in a sheephide and the hide will get too small for them
I’ve got a narcissist housemate. The first time I left her a note asking her to do a couple of things I’d asked her about before, she left me the most horrible message. So I haven’t spoken to her since and it’s driving her nuts. She knows she has no control over me! Thank goodness she told us today she’s moving out in 2 weeks. They will be two very interesting weeks!
hopefully they follow thru and it wasn' just a ploy for reation.
peace be yours.
You are the lucky one IF she really moves out.
She did! She moved out and now I’ve got a delightful housemate, lucky me!
Leave them where you find them 😮 Let them leave. Your sanity shall remain intact. No contact is the best way . Change your address, phone number, get off of social media . Time to realize you need to live peacefully and free. Love yourself . Never look back.
They want you to get mad because that means you love them. But they don’t realize they take it too far. The madder you get, the more loved they feel. But it drains the ability to live out of you. It’s chaos
This is very much true. I had a former friend insist, in a very narcissistic and aggressive way that he never gets angry and told me i need to stop making things up about his anger issues. I bought a hand held mirror one day and waited his narcissistic rage to surface. I held up the mirror directly in front of his face and he lost it!!! He started screaming and attempted to get mirror from me. I never saw him again after that and im thankful.
Ironic that Narcissus was in love with his reflection! Good idea, though, for sure , using the mirror to expose his nonsense in such an irrefutable way.
That was clever and effective! Good job being done with taking that behavior and for taking a nonviolent form of protest.
@@MajICReiki thank you for the kind words.
Spot on..can relate to all of this...they expect zero consequences and seem totally deluded about the chaos they can cause.
This is exactly true.
They pretend they dont know what theyre doing if they are covert.
Yup, always the other person’s fault.
That equal accountability is the part that stews me the most because of the how it dismiss your feelings and their behavior.
Life has been peaceful for the last 10 years after I walked away!
My brother accused me of “ betrayal” because I truthfully answered his mistress’ question about yet another woman he was seeing. I was so tired of lying for him after he betrayed his wife- who we loved.
Feel ya. My ex got mad at his friend for telling me a girl he was planning to see without me was his ex. And at me for "prying". His story sounding fake and me feeling concerned about this strange girl posting pics of them together.. that was just me being emotional and illogical again 😂
It all comes down to annoyance that you made them have to come up with more lies. So rude of you !
One of the best definitions I heard was by Darren McGee he said they wet the bed and blame the blanket 😂
Funny, but sadly true.
The narc hurt me physically and has been so arrogant to my pain. He got away because it was that bad. He deserves no air.
Thank you Dr. Carter. I’m finally going no contact with my narcissistic mother!!! She’s a hundred and I’m 80!! You made me realize it’s time to get away from her.
Wow, that gives me hope ✌✊
I feel sorry for those like ourselves who don’t see it earlier and now I feel I wasted my life and time and finances and emotions and trust on a bottomless pit who nobody can love more than she loves herself. Oh yes i said it and I say it again “ nobody can love them more than they love themselves”. At 57 I recognize who my sister really is and how while crying - wolf wolf please save me,hold me , please worry for me , help me pay for the unfortunate me - she was only manipulating everybody’s energy towards herself cause she needs attention all the time. I have been seeing this since I was a child and she is 75 now. It’s still going on. I only feel bad for my mom who never understood and only struggled to stand by my sister to ease what she thought were major problems for her elder daughter. She died worrying for her never realizing how self created it was. Back then such knowledge was not available as is now. But I have seen the patterns and I am here to call her out on how she has misused her family for self gain and validity.
Whoa 😮… amazing
About time!!! 👍
It’s so scary getting sucked in by a covert narc. They are so dangerous. The world needs to hear about these evil people so we can steer clear of all of them. Spot them in a minute. Thank god for channels like this. If I hadn’t started seeing videos like this pop up on my phone, I probably wouldn’t still be here. This is life changing, life saving stuff.
Dangerous and wicked is right!
Geez, this describes my husband’s behavior very closely. I sit here in tears cause I’m at a point of wanting to file for divorce but don’t want to leave him as he is. 26 years of marriage and 3 kids. My heart grieves.
I empathize with your plight. U suffer for the family unit. The Children will be happier without abuse going on inside the home, there will be peace.
Keep searching out these videos. I felt the exact same way. The more I watched the more I was disgusted to be with someone like him. Keep working on yourself, your kids deserve a happy mommy. You deserve a happy peaceful, full of love life and so do your kids. THEY CANNOT CHANGE. As soon as you realize that, you can let go.
This will be a huge benefit to everyone who has observed such a thing and gone - blink blink - what was the goal of that? Nothing good was accomplished, so why?
You know, I could be your poster child for your series! My mother would actually call me, and open the conversation with, "Don't you think you owe me an apology?" I once asked her, "for what?" (just for context), and her response was, "If you don't know, that shows the kind of person you are!."
Yes, it shows you are a person who likes context. No apology.
I had a narcissist cause all sorts of drama then come back to me and say that she forgave ME ! They are SO delusional. 😮
@@elaineanderson2989
Yup! Very dissociated from reality in glaring ways for those close enough to experience it.
I once handed my mom her shoe, I had found it in the yard her puppy had taken it outside. All I said was here is your shoe Mom, in a calm neutral way, and she glared at me, angrily snapped, ripping the shoe out of my hand. "NO! That is my shoe!" Like I was bad
I said: I agree!
Then she called me Mommy-(my name) several times stuttering, because I didn't snap back for being yelled at for no reason. and when I laughed at that, and I was like 'hell no I'm not your mother! You are very confused' And walked away...
she was in her late 50's not confused or in cognitive decline, she didn't behave this way towards my brother or anyone elss. She just never chose to agree with me, even when I would say the same thing she had.
"No" was her primary word almost whenever starting to speak to me, like a pointlessly disagreeable garnish on a bar mat smoothie. She was what is called the "dry alcoholic" between my parents. He was the drinker and couldn't recall what he did or said the next day or days later. Telling everyone else to not dwell in the past, have an open heart when he just ruined A Birthday or anything 24 hours earlier. More like have open heart surgery with anesthesia, then apologize for complaining of pain.
I recently have been ill, going to the Dr, and he told me to go to a Ketamine clinic for depression then hadnt heard from him since except a text about going out with friends.
Only I'm not depressed. I'm sick.
3 months ago I was at his besside helping after he had hip surgery, offering to do whatever I could around their house, went to the hospital to visit him.
My father is the DARVO master and he’s constantly coming at me like I’m an idiot. Even worse now, he’s in his 70s and seems to have really tried to double down on the bs.
They all take think that upping the abuse gets them more of what they want.
Now looking back, the best response to this type of behavior is to agree with the narcissistic then tell them that you’re leaving them so not to hurt them anymore!
After losing their temper, saying the nastiest untrue things and lacerating my character, and blaming it on me, the only way I could survive was to apologise and grovel. It’s taken me years to unravel the damage let alone heal it. These videos help so much! Thank you! ❤
Omg! This comment really helped me. And of course groveling just makes us lose our dignity and the anger that is behind it it’s just horrific…
@@MarlaMartenson❤❤❤ I realised at some point that the more intense their attacks, the less they knew what they were talking about. It’s so liberating to realise that they’re just covering for the fact that they’re full of s*** 😂. It’s hard and it hurts and feels like a loss of some sort - that child part of you that really wanted to believe them and even look up to them. But I am awake to their BS now and it helps me not to take any of it personally. Good luck to us🤩
My narcissist husband doesn't want my apology or any efforts to fix things, he just wants to blame me and cause turmoil. I let him have his tantrum and walk away. I go somewhere where I can stay centered and tune him out and usually also take our daughter. I have to explain to her that it's not personal, Daddy is just upset and needs space. She is sadly starting to understand and doesn't take it personal and cry like she used to. It's too bad that he can't see his divisive behavior.
lacerating ! powerful and accurate !
This has all of a sudden bombarded my family! My 30 yr. old son has been with a terrible woman for years and has a child with her.. all I knew was that she was a lot of trouble...mean and vindictive! My son has had his own struggles and his Dad and I have done a lot for him, maybe too much. I let him live in one of my properties because he wanted away from her. When I saw he was not living there and had gone back to her, for 2 months I asked him to come talk to us...he never had time and just would not come talk. So,I did what I needed to do and gathered his things together and put him out.. then things blew up! I do not know this person! It went from Bad to Worse...he has cussed me, said terrible hurtful things to me...and made up things that never happened but he believes is true. He has made them true in his head! Threatened to call the law on me! It has turned into a nightmare.... all because I wont let him use us as a place to leave all his many many things..... he has made me into a monster and is telling people we treated him so badly.. too much to tell, but it has gotten so bad I have had to go No Contract! Every thing I hear on this channel, describes my son....I am so sad, how can I help him???😢
Narcissists expecting you to forgive is gaslighting because its not a forgiveness situation, its a self defense situation. You're not standing there as someone throws a punch at your face thinking 'I forgive you, I forgive you' unless you're an idiot. In the same way you're not putting yourself in the presence of a narcissist thinking 'I forgive you, I forgive you' while you get insulted and even physically attacked in some situations unless you're an idiot.
Been there, went through that. He had me convinced there was something wrong with me. Why couldn’t I understand why he HAD to cheat, yell, argue, always be right. He finally convinced me to see a therapist. I went, therapist said I was not the problem. Therapist wanted to talk to him but of course he wouldn’t go. Therapist helped me leave him. Best thing I ever did. Thank you therapist!!!
Then they come out of blue asking for affection after they’ve caused chaos. If you don’t accept their phony apology the insults are quick
I love Guse's little face on the sofa. He is listening to every word.
They want gratitude, loyalty and for the victim/survivor to take all the Narcissist's blame. "That does not compute" for me!
Chaos creates underlying aggression and then reaction. They claim victim for your reaction, and you’re supposed to apologize. If you don’t, you’re mean. If you apologize, you’ve been dominated.
They want me to have no opinion. They expect me to back them up, and shut myself down.
What they expect ( extract ) from you is an external confirmation of their inner-model of who ( or more precisely *what* ) you are to them.
This is very timely because today my father tried very hard to create disregulation all because of the empty beer bottles that have been collecting since the holiday celebrations. So I found a box. Then, he complains about the empty olive oil bottles and said that there is no way of recycling them and placed the blame on me since there was no way of recycling them. I went about my business and looked inside the refrigerator for food while he observed and hovered not far just to get my attention for the recycling issue ... 😆 ... and I patiently looked for food and found something. He clucked his tongue and went somewhere else to brood. I'm not doing bad at this.
Your playing good person, keep it up, your healthy,
Not bad at all.👍🙂
Oh you're good. Just really honest in the direct approach of get off my back cos you mean zero to me. And he goes away bitching elsewhere. Love that very much.
I could never act like this toward my father growing up. He would beat the mess out me if I didn’t jump when he commanded or if I showed any displeasure. It was hell living with that man. I was a walking trash bin, punching bag, and slave to my immediate family. Everyone used and abused me! Not anymore tho!
It was enough for me to just read a few of these comments and be reminded why I walked away and stayed away from the devils in my life. They no longer have access to me. Praise God! Thank you Dr.C for educating us.
Which is why I often times feel isolated in these relationships. There is no ME in it. Sharing our experiences in any given relationship creates connection. They only want that on their terms.
MT-tx7bu, I am touched at your statement that "sharing experiences creates connection." Such a touching thought! What a nice experience that would be: to have what I think and feel heard and respected when it's different from his, to have time taken, equally, for differing, negative feelings. So awful that it never happens!
It’s difficult to try to connect with someone whose interactions and conversations are about themselves (or their lives,experiences,etc) to the exclusion of anything about your own.
There is no reciprocal relationship.And it might not be that you don’t want to hear about or know about their life,what their experiences are or what they like,etc…
But it gets old when as soon as you mention anything of yourself they immediately direct it back to the subject of themselves or what they deem important to them.
@@macnchessplz precisely!
Completely incurious about others unless it serves them to know something, like weaponizing your past or belittling, diminishing or discarding, otherwise no interest.