I'm so tired of people using ADHD as a get out jail free card. I have ADHD and naturally speak loudly. I still understand that I shouldn't shout in front of a baby.
Story 1 - he absolutely can control how he behaves. Having no volume control is a thing, but he can be told not to barge into peoples room waking up babies.
Yeah, that's the thing that cinched it for me too. If he was just loud then that'd be one thing but if the OP is just letting him barge into the room with a sleeping baby then it's a failing in the OPs parenting. It seems weird that the kid is doing that over and over. Either he knows the OP won't do anything and is trying to get a rise out of the daughter or the OP got him to do it.
And picking up sleeping babies to play with like they’re dolls. And it sounds like he only has interest when the baby is sleeping. Also sounds like OPs daughter gave her brother a boundary to leave her and her child alone. Everyone is disregarding the new mother and child. Why even bother to let her stay?
@@michaelplunkett8059 omg he is 8?! I didn't pay attention to that!!! He is too old for that, Jesus i have cousins with adhd and first thing I taught them, do not touch my art stuff and behave in my room. Parents aren't parenting
Wonder if son has more issues than just ADHD, but either way.... son should have been taught way before the baby came into the picture not to enter into anyone's bedroom without knocking and being given permisson to enter. Basic Parenting 101. This should have been brought up at the time of reminding him to keep his volume down as babies need it more quiet to sleep. Although I for one don't believe that, we can agree to disagree on that. If son was having problems with that why Can't they just put a lock on Madison's bedroom door, so they can lock him out when baby is sleeping. Why put up with all the drama when you can spend $15 to change the doorknob? They also have different baby electronics that play white noise, music, and other different sounds that can be placed close to crib to help cover other distracting sounds to help baby sleep undisturbed. Sometimes just the regular TV or radio with volume adjusted can do the same. No need to expect a young child to immediately change their behavior just because a baby came into the picture. Meaning, any unsavory behavior should have been dealt with as they came up, not just because of a new baby. Again Basic Parenting 101.
While I agree with you, at the same time, Madison knew exactly how her brother was and chose to bring her baby into that home. Op spoke to both of them when the issue was brought up, and everything was fine for a couple of weeks until the 8 year old did it again. Kids can't be expected to be perfect all the time. Also, Madison, as an adult living in her parents' home, shouldn't be screaming at an 8 year old. She should have addressed it with his actual parents and had them deal with it. It's their job to parent and/or punish their son, not hers. Also, if it was truly a problem for her, she could have bought a knob with a lock. Op, spouse, and Madison are all to blame in this situation and should have made better decisions.
Story one: Absolutely NOT. I have ADHD and that does not mean that I am not responsible for my actions nor that I not understand consequences or lack empathy. ADHD is not a get out of jail card. You raise that kid this way and you will never be able to launch him into the real world. You may have the patience and "are used to the noise" but the rest of the world is a whole lot less tolerant. Teach your kid manners, boundaries, and consequences now before you've got a 50 year old shut in who is a video game addict living in your house who has nothing but failed attempts at any effort of improvement.
Heck, I have ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until my *20s* even though it was *obvious* in hindsight (and I probably *would've* been diagnosed earlier if I was a boy). Focusing and following instructions has always been hard for me, but I *try.* My parents were patient with me, but they also *insisted* that I try. They were *quite* clear about how to be polite and not to go into other people's rooms unless invited. There's a lot about human interactions I don't understand since I'm also on the autism spectrum. I mess up sometimes. Like being told to put some flowers in a vase and *only* putting them in a vase without adding any water. I *try,* though.
As an adult who has ADHD, I can tell you that Ryan CAN control how he behaves. The OP is doing that child no favor by not teaching him how to behave. If they can't parent that child appropriately then they need to get therapy for everyone, child and parents.
Adult ADHD is different than those in children. Its also over diagnosed cause doctors that are diagnosing it usually don't have the credentials to. Parents claim ADHD for everything, and a lot of it is to get a check for their kid and to explain their shitty parenting. Another thing the meds they give kids for it fuck them up even worse and make the situation worse. There is actual medical research on that. I have also seen it with kids in the foster system.
Missing money/summer camp story: "your ego is going to ruin your relationship with your daughter" it already has considering she's stopped talking to him twice over it, the OP has a chance to make it up to her but won't.
Why do I get the feeling that the moment the daughter in the first story is financially stable and mentally and emotionally stable she is immediately going low contact with her mother and no contact with her father and baby brother because let's be real here this is one of those situations where this man is so disappointed in his twenty-year-old daughter getting pregnant and becoming a new mom that he would rather have his son basically disrupt her and his granddaughter's sleep. To the point where it could cause the daughter to just mentally and emotionally breakdown and potentially snap. Not to mention I have a weird feeling that the original poster is really enjoying this. Not to mention snapping at her and saying you can either deal with or you can get out. Knowing for fact that his daughter has no other place to go. It's almost to me like he wants his daughter to either suffer for getting pregnant or give the child up for adoption because this thing is on the verge of this only his own daughter because of the pregnancy and possibly more. He's in the wrong big time but I were the daughter I would basically get my ducks in a row so that way within six months you can be gone
Bingo. He's likely on here to get allies to tell him his sh*ty behavior and parenting are acceptable and is mad that so many are saying the opposite. But I doubt it will cause him to change. He seems to be looking for enablers.
@@girl1213 exactly I just got through reading the post on Reddit and literally when I try to see if he had any replies the post was locked it was removed and you're not allowed to see his profile. I guess most of the people knew that this dude was in a hole but there was someone was saying the daughter was in the wrong and she even needs to deal with it or move out ASAP
I fear you're right. But what scares me even more is the thought that Ryan will somehow end up hurting the baby or something and OP and his wife give him a scolding and that'll be the end of it. He won't be punished because his fragile ADHD-afflicted soul wouldn't be able to handle it. This kid is going to end up in REAL trouble one of these days with people who won't be so willing to give him a free pass for a mental illness that can easily be controlled. Your kid having ADHD is no excuse to not teach them right and wrong (and about consequences). I have Asperger's and as a kid if I misbehaved or threw a tantrum, I got the belt.
Story 1: A diagnosis explains behaviour and can help you understand how to manage it, but it is not a free excuse or a get out of jail free card. OP needs to actually parent their son or they're going to ruin that poor child. The real world is not going to care that he has ADHD when he grows up to be an awful person because he never hears the word NO.
yeah, the statistics on untreated adhd are pretty sad: not being able to hold a job or relationship, addiction, self-harm. at least OP knows their child has been diagnosed with it and can provide therapy and coping tools, but nope, just enabling bad behavior. (side story, I once lived in a condo complex with this woman and her child--7yrs to 10yrs age range-- and the kid would continually assault younger kids when he was around them, until he was ultimately banned from the communal areas unless expressly accompanied by his mother. The mother would always excuse his aggression as "they were bullying him" or "he was once bullied, he doesn't know better". Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'll become a felon, either from beating his own mother, a girlfriend, or children because she taught him it was OK to pick on smaller people, especially if they try to stand up to you).
Story 2 - At the beginning of the story, my first thought was "weaponized incompetence", and then the high maintenance behavior on top of it? BF sounds absolutely exhausting. My ex was very similar, where he wanted me to cheer him and compliment him on every single thing he did but never returned the compliments (literally). He was an energy vampire, and that's part of the reason why he's now ex.
I thought that maybe his Mother made him this way to maintain control of him. OP how hard to just send an emoji reply of thumbs up or a drooling smiley face? Then let it go. The fact he made the Mac and cheese and added broccoli negates the idea he was doing it to manipulate her into doing all the cooking. Maybe OP could have instead made suggestions like, "Nice job, you could also try adding can chicken and broccoli to the Mac and cheese another time. Or even add tuna fish to Mac and cheese for a different meal." Then if she ever really does decide he is too high maintenance for her she can leave knowing he can at least feed himself. Maybe gift him one of those sandwich press or grill thingies. They come with recipe books. Look for cookbooks created for kids/teenagers, basic cooking/snacks....easy stuff. Since he likes ramen, show him how to look up RUclips videos on different methods of making packaged ramen. Because it actually sounds like he was enjoying to cook for himself. If he had been 13 and not 33, his reaction would have been normal. Again think his Mother stunted his growth in this department and instilled his fears of cooking to keep him out of her kitchen to maintain control there.
Last one: The stepson sees what they were hoping to for... Forced parentification and a full time free baby sitter. My mother tried to parentify me to my nephew when I was only a child. It really effected how much I mistrusted people.
The solution is teaching curse words and telling them family secrets. Nothing keeps kids away from you than teaching them things their parents don't want them to know
I had SUPER bad ADHD when I was little. Like one day I went without my meds in school I ran like crazy from my teachers. While I can't remember that I do have vivid memories of looking over my shoulder and, when I turned back around, I smacked into a metal door frame. I was also a 90's kid so it took my mom a bit of doctor convincing to get me on meds so when I acted calm for the very first time she cried. Without trying to go too off track, yes, kids/people with server ADHD really can not help the things they do. Our brains don't work that way. BUT we can learn. If it's told enough times, and we are punished for the things we aren't supposed to do (even a time out for being so young) we will learn against it. Plus, if the Ops son's ADHD is really that bad try some medication. believe me, my mom didn't want to either since she'd think she'd be a bad mom. Took a doctor telling her I was basically suffering without it because my brain could not slow down. maybe not those words but around them and it was kind of true. I couldn't get control of my thoughts or focus. Medication helped a lot. Slowed me down and allowed me to focus. Didn't zone me out or "Zombie" me at all
As somebody who had ADHD as a juvenile and is now diagnosed with bipolar 2 I can tell you that I honestly didn't grow up and learn until I was in my mid-20s and had to go to prison. Nothing my mom did ever got through to me
@@GreenKnight1982 learning was very hard, either to do something or not to, but I eventually caught on to some of them. Others remained hard but medication to slow me down did help
@@HNKNAChick52 There's always some conceited know-it-all in the comments who will tell you that they know more about the effects of a certain medication has ON YOU that you do yourself. It's so absurd. And yes, some stimulants such as methylphenidates and amphetamines can have a very significant calming effect on people with severe ADHD. It doesn't work for everyone, it's always highly individual, but it can be a miracle for especially younger kids with ADHD and their exhausted parents.
With my aspy son it took a while for him to be comfortable cooking.. the important thing is he MUST follow recipes exactly.. I keep reminding him that food doesn’t have to look good to taste good. Bread seems to be the final obstacle.
Story 1 if you want a look into the future, go look up chris chan. Parents coddled him and told him that his autism make him special and rules were different for him. Now shes currently out on bail for supposedly doing "things" with their senile mother.
Lots of children story : NTA OP, but the stepmother and her husband are. As a former foster mother myself, also with bio children, I am horrified at the decisions made by these people. They have a teenager already in the house with, potentially, major problems but, instead of giving him time and helping him sort them out, they take on more time demanding, possibly damaged, children so they have even less time for the stepson - and then expect him to look after them! They are not his responsibility!!! This son will be gone at 18 and they will have lost him. Bad parenting has life long repercussions and the husband is a shocking father to his son for allowing all this to happen. Poor son.
You've absolutely nailed it. Instead of taking in 'replacement' children, they should look at their own behaviour. It's sad that fostering services seem to treat children as commodities to be moved around instead of caring about the poor souls they're pushing. On he streets, this would be called 'pimping' but, because it's govt/state/city in control, it's seen as 'caring'. Or am I being too harsh?
Camp story: As I said on another video who read this story; I'm going to guess the reason his ex is an ex is based on him accusing her of something like cheating with zero proof and doubling down/not apologising when he's proven tobe in the wrong. He seems like the type
my grandson had terrible adhd and medicine calmed him right down. so there is something you can do in addition to making him behave! do you really think he will be allowed to act crazy like that at school!??? you need to get him help now!! your poor daughter!!
The ADHD is irrelevant in this story, he’s an 8 year old kid doing what 8 year old kids do. Running around and being loud is a symptom of childhood the family need to set boundaries not drug up a child because they can’t parent. I work in education and here in the U.K. it’s next to impossible to get a ADHD diagnosis at that age for the behaviour described in the post, as if you could 99% of kids would have a diagnosis even if they didn’t actually have ADHD. Plus while medication does help some children, others it has no effect or in some cases even has a greater adverse effect on their well being, meaning even if the parents in this story were doing every right going straight to the answer filling him with drugs isn’t always the right call. And again even when the drugs do help, drugs don’t replace parenting I’m sure with your grandson you and his parents were still doing your jobs as role models and guides to his development.
I'm a woman with ADHD and we tend to have more of the impulsivity over the hyperactivity (as they age, men with it tend to wind down with the hyperactivity too). But it's a life-long struggle that you must teach yourself to control and maintain. What it is NOT is an excuse to run roughshod over other people.
You do realise that your grandson is an individual right? You see, all us with a neurodivergent diagnoses are individuals (who could have guessed? Not you or the redditers for sure), what works for one, does not work for all. All of us, do not have the exact same symptoms or effects or our disability. And a lot of us can't change, you are not divergent by choice. Unless you think we should choose to be lobotomized perhaps?
@@elcactusdelamuerte506 I don't think that we should discount medication before even starting any help. There is behavioral therapy too. What I am saying is that meds aren't always the answer, but they shouldn't be discounted right off the bat.
Story 1: Having ADHD doesn’t mean that your son can’t learn how to properly behave in certain situations. Babies go through intense development and so they need a great deal of sleep, which your grandchild can’t get if your son is constantly waking up the baby. Instead of coddling him, give him consequences for not doing what you told him to do. When he becomes an adult, no one will take his ADHD into consideration when he oversteps boundaries 🙁 Story 2: Having to reparent an adult can be stressful, especially if they don’t want to grow up🙁 Story 3: Well folks I think that we have our nominee for AH of the year. Your envelope of money goes missing and, without any proof, you immediately point the finger at your daughter’s friend. You then refused to pay your half of your daughter’s summer camp. Once you found the money that YOU misplaced, you apologized to both girls, but refused to pay fully for the next summer camp year. Given all that you put her through, that’s the least that you could have done!😠 Story 4: OMG, is this some kind of disease that’s going around? What is it with people trying to make instant families and then getting all Pikachu face when things don’t work out the way they planned. Eight months is not enough time for children to get to know each other and a new partner. When you rush things in a relationship, it’s going to lead to trouble and unhappiness 😢
Story 1: I have ADHD and so does my son and neither one of us has loud outburst like that. That's messed up as hell. The last story: Sister's step-son didn't get a chance to adjust to his father's marriage and new step kids. He clearly isn't comfortable with their blended family. Adding more kids is ridiculous and selfish. Both parents are delusional and children services are so desperate to have the foster kids place that they don't care that this family is dysfunctional.
@@carmenortiz5294 You can not diagnose someone's level of a mental illness over the internet. However, you are correct that everyone experiences everything differently. Adults with ADHD do not have the same symptoms as children as well.
@@ButtonsCasey Oh, yes I can. I happen to be a retired CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST and that means that I can DIAGNOSE children. What? you are not aware that there are even sites online where people can call for advice regarding ADHD. I'm going to diagnose the much older sister of a boy of elementary school age: She doesn't like it she can leave AGAIN. Last sentence, of course not, they learned how to cope with their problem an elementary age child rarely can. Your user name says it all. I don't know how old you are, but when I was a lot younger Lalala was what we used to refer to stupid people as in lalaland, LOL.
Story 2. His need to know the exact timing of placing the oregano, and his dislike of cooking because it was too many ingredients and had to be put in and specific times might be hinting that he is OCD or autistic
Story 1- I have 2 children with ADHD and they would never behave this way. Your sons behavior has nothing to do with ADHD. It's being I'll mannered and undisciplined. Parent your son.
As a person with ADHD, there is ZERO reason the kid can’t behave like a civilized human being. You can still provide guidance and discipline to a neurodivergent child, you just need to understand the things they truly cannot help and teach them coping mechanisms. Ryan sounds like a “change of life” baby that the OP had late in life, and some parents like that just seem to give up on raising their kids because they’re tired.
Story one Adhd is very treatable. With medications, and in some cases diet changes. Plus people with Adhd still have control of themselves. It's not a excuse to be a brat.
As someone who has anxiety with severe depression ,I use coping methods to live a almost normal life and it's tough ,ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain and can be controlled by coping methods and medication that is monitored by a medical professional .
Story 2; I come from a home where cooking was done by literally everyone else. Not because I was lazy, but because my cooking wasn't as good as theirs. They never let me try to get better. I would make things just for myself, but didn't know about portioning, because I was very young. It was never good, but every time I cooked, I would be yelled at for wasting food. Or for not getting someone else to do it. As an adult, I can't cook to save my life. I have zero confidence in the kitchen. Also, I'm on a fixed income. Wasting food is a major problem for me. When someone does help me make something, I request exact measurements and instructions. Telling me to adjust to taste is so beyond useless, because I am used to eating bland, or not tasty food, by other's standards. So if you're demanding he cook for you, get him some cooking classes. He seems eager to please, and he isn't lazy, since he has no problem doing the cleanup. I get really angry when people tell me that I'm being willfully ignorant, or lazy, when I'm willing to learn! But no one has patience to allow mistakes, or to start with the basics. They immediately want to dive into key lime pie, or eggplant Parmesan. Like, how about scrambling an egg without overcooking it? Or cooking chicken on the stove top? Does that sound pathetic? Because I tried cooking chicken one time, and it was NASTY, because I didn't know you have to season your food. Or marinade it. Literally no one taught me basics.
@@CD0789 He's doing things that a person who doesn't have any experience does. He may be a loser. But it just doesn't sound like a case of him not trying, or unwilling to learn. It sounds more like she's a frustrated (rightfully so) person, questioning why their partner can't cook for them. She said he cleans up any messes after she cooks. So he isn't lazy. She says that he made Mac 'n cheese with broccoli and was super proud of himself. I follow directions and the noodles are usually mush. I'd be proud too. She's vegetarian. That's all kinds of ingredients he's probably never tried to work with. Especially if she's expecting tofu, or meat substitutes. I'm just saying, I can relate. I don't know what to do with meat. I'd probably crawl into the fetal position if I was approached with tofu lol
I misunderstood, I’m sorry about that. He’s not a loser, I wouldn’t call him one. OP has taught him the basics but he not confident enough to try on his own and wants OP to give him attention anytime he tries something new. Cooking like everything else is trial and error. I would say he’s a little unwilling if he doesn’t try on his own and without OP being there every step of the way. Maybe he could take a cooking class without OP? That could build up his confidence.
@@CD0789 Oh I know you didn't! That was MY term I used. I think that most people who responded to the OP immediately jumped to weaponized incompetence. Where I see it as no confidence, or experience. I personally think cooking basic foods should be a learn in school thing. Life skills should be taught, period. Just like basic finances. But that's a whole other can of worms.
Mom paid your half last year and even if you intend to pay half for this year, you owe the entire sum. Is it in your settlement agreement about who pays for camp?
Story 2: he's definitely using a form of weaponized incompetence, but what people are ignoring is that learning cooking late in life is really hard and scary because you don't know what you don't know. Making a deli sandwich is really simple... unless you put the tomato too close to the bread and it got soggy and disgusting before you got to eat it, or someone made fun of you for it. This happened to me. I followed a minute rice recipe, but I didn't know the cookware we had got too hot too fast so "medium heat" meant "low-medium" for us. Burnt rice, had my then girlfriend laugh at me for it. Decided cooking sucked and swore off it for years. Now I can cook practically anything, but it took my wife getting pregnant for me to wake up from the fog and decide to handle it. But even now, I worry about what I don't know.
Story 1: people with ADHD can absolutely control their behaviours & it's absolutely on you to parent him better. Having said that she is a parent now and she is living off someone else's money, if you do not like the living conditions in which you live then you have a choice to either live with it or move out. You don't get to mooch off someone and then complain about the people they live in a house you brought a child into. Guarantee these behaviours aren't new, so expecting things to magically change when you bring a baby into the house is ridiculously stupid. You are a parent now, you do whatever you need to in order to care for your child and it's on you to provide for them. I've also don't considerable research into understanding ADHD and how it manifests differently in different people. I'm currently undertaking research for alternative therapies to assist children. End of the day there is ALWAYS a way, is it easy, well more often than not no but there is always a way.
I have to disagree because I had severe ADHD as a juvenile and young adult and honestly didn't learn how to control myself until I was in my mid-twenties and ended up going to prison. Nothing doctors or my mother did got through to me and that includes therapy and medication. Now at 41 I'm actually an upstanding member of society.
@@GreenKnight1982 I have ADHD as does my son. There is always a way, it just requires effort. My son went from completely out of control to a great kid over a few months through eliminating a lot of rubbish from his diet as well as medication & an insane number of strategies to support him. It is absolutely possible with effort.
@@jedimasters1462 I work with children with ADHD there is always a way. It just requires effort and being willing to try everything possible until you find a solution. There is no one solution that helps all but those that stop trying or don't bother trying are the ones who have children who aren't able to function in a positive way with society. If a child is unable to function in society positively either they have parents that aren't willing to do whatever it takes to help their child, parents that don't have the cognitive ability to understand their child needs help and there is a solution or parents that just don't care.
She got pregnant at 19 and had a baby at 20.Of course its her body and her choice.But also she chose to stay in the house with her parents knowing they dont really support her pregnancy.The father probably absent too. OP daughter probably didnt work and stayed at home demanding everyone to change the whole environment because she had a baby. Well she chose to keep it,now she could suck it up or move out.
Last story: yes, leaving the kids alone was bad, but for the rest, i feel bad for the kid, must be hard that no one in your "family" takes your feelings or opinion into account
That was it for me too. Stepmum says she wants to know about his feelings, but whenever he did express them, he was told they were wrong and they disregarded them. She trained him to keep everything bottled up by not helping him at all when he did express himself. Both parents are still disregarding his feelings when they drag him out of his room and try to force him into big brother mode. It's not enough to just ask about his feelings, you have to show that you give a crap. Neither of them do.
Last story- The kid doesn’t want a big family like that. He feels like it’s pushed on him because that’s what step mom wants and whatever she wants to no matter what the kid gives up to help them. Best thing to do is let him stay somewhere else and just be a teen. Not a big brother, baby sitter, or caretaker for step moms new kids. I bet just one summer where no one looks at him to be a babysitter will do wonders for him
I might have agreed with you if he hadn't left the kids unattended. He could have left the house before dad had to go to work to prove his point, but to wait until he is out of the house to leave??? Sure he is in a bad situation, but that doesn't explain leaving kids unnatended. I mean the stemom is TA, but in half an hour kids can kill themselves and burn the house down.
@@matthewschocke4094 Only because it ended well.If something had happened he would have ended up i prison for child endagerment at very least for murder at the most.
@@JaneRHeartofGoldI agree with your point but, frankly, the parents are idiots and completely, 110% responsible here. Any sane adult would have been able to predict the outcome of trying to force an abused, upset, angry teenager who never agreed to babysit to 'do the right thing' by just leaving them with kids they have been conditioned to hate.
@@NickoBaggins True. It's all parents' fault. However at 16 you should be old enough to understand that you might end up in jail for this. The fact he doesn't seem to understand makes me think he might need to be evaluated for autism and other mental disorders. I mean self preservtion is essential, especially if you're traumatised and he desn't seem to have any.
Story 2: Dude's probably on the spectrum and never diagnosed. Some things about the story stick out to me in that regard. Especially the being upset that she wouldn't tell him which way was the right way wrt the pizza sauce and oregano. Also, we need to put the term "weaponized incompetence" on the high shelf until people learn to use it correctly
Yep, that's the exact part that made me think of me. I'm on the spectrum and I'd worry I'd mess things up if I did it the wrong way. I hate "it doesn't really matter" because that isn't a true answer in my mind and I'd feel irritated and like i was having a mini panic attack because I just want to know. Even a "Typically you put the base on first and then oregano, but it really doesn't matter. You Choose" would be SOOO much better.
I think we need to put diagnosing people with autism because of one single trait on the shelf first - EVERYONE has an ASD trait or two. You are asd when you have lots/all
@@thedorkone1516 yeah, that alone is pretty strange. He probably does know but doesn’t want to. Because even if I think it sounds he is on the spectrum I could make myself sandwiches at the very least when I was little. Or anything that needed a microwave. I wasn’t allowed to use the stove much (I put a kettle in the microwave for this reason alone when I was 5-8 years old. Maybe 9) but when I became ok I’d even make myself Mac and cheese or boil hot dogs.
@Y’vaan yep. In fact Asperger’s syndrome is a key example. I mean, I don’t consider myself smart but when I see examples of others the first I think of is doctors of scientists
33 and can't cook? I agree this is manipulation. I can't imagine anyone not knowing how to cook basic stuff. I'm fairly sure I was making ham and chees sandwiches when I was 7.
Idgaf what your gender is if you can't do things that are basic survival skills to being a functional adult then your parents are failures. I'm 42 years old & never thought I would see a day where so many damn adults can't do basic shyt. I've met so many people in their 30s that can't cook, can't clean, can't pay their bills or budget within their means, can't hang a picture, can't even follow simple instructions on how build the cabinet they bought at Target. It's not rocket science either, just look it up RUclips & bam. Wtaf happened to parents that they've "raised" such socially inept children?
Story 1: That doesn't sound like ADHD. I have ADHD and I could very easily understand the concept of "someone is sleeping so be quieter or play outside". My mom got migraines a lot and took almost daily naps, and while I might have been a little too loud a few times I learned and did my best to adjust. I knew not to enter her room unless it was a serious emergency. OP is a lousy parent and making excuses for their kid cause they can't be bothered to actually parent a child who needs correcting and teaching. If the kid's ADHD is too severe to learn coping mechanisms then he needs medication. I'm not even saying with for the daughter and baby, but for his own sake as he gets older and has to learn to be an adult.
Story 1: YTA, Madison is right, Dad. He should know better not to burst into a room where the baby is sleeping, and you're using his ADHD to excuse his behavior. Honestly, he's trying to degrade his daughter for having a baby at 20 years old while not doing anything to discipline his bratty son. Pretty soon, she's going to end up leaving home, go no contact and father wondering why she left. And I have a feeling that he's going be back on Reddit by saying: "AITA for wanting to see my grandchild after my daughter cut me off because I didn't discipline my ADHD brat of a son?"
OP is trying to drive his daughter out of the house-Plain and Simple! He's creating a hostile environment for her and the baby by allowing the son to do whatever he wants!
Story 1 OP’s definitely an idiot.. ADHD isn’t an excuse to misbehave.. other families deal with this with everyday.. he’s been allowed to use this is an excuse..OP’s son should never be allowed to burst into ANY room without permission.. what if the daughter was changing clothes and was naked? Ryan, unless his problem is severe, can be taught not to be loud at times when people need quiet time.. there’s services that can help him learn how to tone down his energy.. Story 2… OP’s dating a man child that .. he sounds like he’s manipulative.. if he plays dumb long enough, she’ll take over rather that put up with it.. Story 3…OP’s an idiot and so far he hasn’t learned anything.. he does owe the full amount of camp since he wrongly refused last camp.. Story 4…OP’s sister and her husband are ridiculous to try to force the stepson to accept her and adopted kids as his family… it will never happen.. he’ll leave when he’s able to and got NC..
As someone who got diagnosed young with ADHD it’s absolutely not an excuse. Also, the sexist double standard is ridiculous, I was hammered down like a nail while “boys are just being boys“
Story 2: I’m going against the grain and saying NAH. He is excited to learn and wants to share that with his gf. She wants a break from coaching and that’s okay.
She's literally become his damn mother! What grown ass man doesn't know how to make a sandwich or a pizza?! I could both those things before the age of 12! Then again I had a mother that actually RAISED me to be a functional adult. What's next is she expected to teach him how to pay his bills or wipe? Know plenty of people with learning disabilities that are perfectly capable of being self sufficient. Fact is mommy coddled him instead of raising him, not OP job to do mommy's job for her.
@@YvaanAvesna Yeah. The part that gets me is that she had to teach him how to *make a sandwich.* Like, the first thing I thought of when he said that there are so many parts that have to come together that he gets anxious is learning disability. Maybe a developmental disability. But not knowing how to make a sandwich? If he was that bad off, the disability would be obvious in other ways, not just food prep. Like, my dad managed to *burn* popcorn while using one of those automatic popcorn makers that shoots the popped kernels out the top. He's *brilliant,* but easily distracted. He mostly managed to get through a job on an assembly line by putting his body on autopilot and letting his mind wonder the cosmos. Nearly chopped his finger off, eventually. You can *not* talk to him and expect the subject to remain even *remotely* the same for the whole conversation. Or even a whole *sentence,* sometimes. He told me that finally being diagnosed as ADD-inattentive when almost sixty was like finding out he'd been driving with the parking brake on his whole life. I've got much the same problem, only it's ADHD (and we both have Asperger's). *Anything* that involves leaving something to boil, bake, or whatever for more than five minutes is likely to end in disaster because I'll start doing something else and either lose track of time or *completely forget* that I was cooking anything. But I'm like that with *everything.*
@@brigidtheirish I'm the same way, also AuDHD, and I strongly suspect the boyfriend has either one, the other, or both. My autism makes me avoid cooking for the exact same reason - too many steps, what order are they in, it's overwhelming how many steps there are - and then the ADHD comes in and I can't cook anything that takes more than 30 minutes because I can't stay on task for longer than that
Dawg he wanted to be praised like a literal toddler because he poured boxed mac n' cheese in water as a man in his 30s. He then sulked and whined about it. A freshly 18 year old college kid would be pathetic for that behavior, but at least had plenty of time to grow out of it and become an actual adult. I'd have broken up with him on the spot because frankly I'd be too disgusted to ever fuck a man that pathetic ever again. There's being excited to learn, insecure, etc. and then there's being incompetent and pitiful.
It's also possible that he was never allowed in the kitchen. Some women consider it their space and do not allow anyone else to cook or do anything in there. It's why my mom's oldest friend and her sister have no idea how to cook and she is pretty terrified of trying new foods.
He never talked to begin with though. She hasn't taught him that she won't listen to him. He sounds like a rude AH. Basic courtesy requirements aren't the end of the world. He's just an edgy brat at this point.
People gotta stop letting kids run them you are the parent as long as he's taken care of and treated right like the fosters and adoptees he can't complain its weird people feel like it's acceptable to treat step parents or siblings bad because your mad this is why kids aren't allowed to be in charge or make adult decisions because they are emotionally weak unless he's abused he doesn't have a right to act out and idw to hear his mom died unfortunately people die doesn't mean be a asshole and it's weird parents are supposed to feel guilty about moving on after a divorce or death of a spouse
Yeah, does the guy play video games? Drive? Answer phone calls at work, attend meetings AND and respond to emails all in one day? I'd expect so, weaponized incompetence 100%
I find it odd that after all this time the money was in the trunk of his car. That feels a little off to me. This is a big if, but what if it was taken. The daughter then put it where she thought her dad would see it. That just feels very random and out of place. I don't 100% think this happened but not even the op could understand how it ended up in the trunk of his car. Also how messy is his car to go unseen for that time.
14:47 - You're NTA. But your sister and her husband are for bringing in more kids and agitating the situation in their already messy family. They moved way too fast, made all these decisions without considering Stepson, and then tried to force him to bond with kids he never wanted in the house. They'll be lucky if he ever speaks to them again once he gets out at 18, and you know he will. Sister and Husband are selfish.
Tell her to get out at 20 and take her baby momma drama to her own spot. In the meantime put a lock on her door so he can't come in is the easy solution.
Story 1: I have ADHD. It took me a lot longer to learn social cues than my sisters, but I did learn. Sounds like OP just doesn't want to parent the child
Story 2 - I think that guy has very low tolerance for ambiguity and executive function deficits. My wife took years to get comfortable with cooking and I still do all the shopping because she gets decision paralysis when presented with too many options. I always had to pick the restaurant as well.
If the whole family knows how the son is with ADHD and barging in, why do they not just put a lock on the door? Like, I accept that with severe ADHD a kid will have these behavioral issues, but it seems like the next logical step would be to plan around those issues.
I have adhd and Autism spectrum disorder and my parents shut down every tantrum no if ands or buts they knew that I'd need structure and parenting to make sure I didn't turn into an entitled brat and it worked. Op and her hubby are turning him into an entitled brat if they don't change now then that kid is gonna be an absolute terror
OP YTA. I get Ryan has ADHD, but that doesn't excuse his behavior,get him out of consequences or mean he can't be taught the correct ways to do things. Have you guys ever talked to a doctor to make sure he was diagnosed and see if there were some meds that could even help him? Have you taught him barging in a no no and give him consequences? Your daughter should yell at you but when she brought the problem to your attention, you basically gave Ryan a free pass. Maybe yelling at him wasn't the best move but you were doing nothing to fix the problem.
The 16 year old isn’t Bonding with the adopted kids and other kids because babysitting is Child care. That’s not HIS JOB. Why does dcf suck so badly. 16 year old should go live with other family and leave OPs delusional sister and his dad
And daughter can learn to use birth control and get a job. She’s a whole adult and should get her own place at this point. That baby is also probably adding regression into the mix for those kids. 8 is still pretty young and an age of figuring things out. Especially when she said he wants to play with the baby.
Finding the money in the trunk of the car where it literally had no business being? Sounds like someone didn't have access to the house when they wanted to give back the stolen money
story 2- while i understand the point of commenters saying its weaponized incompetence and def agree that its a possibility, I also think it may just be that the bf grew up in a super controlled environment where he never got to learn to make decisions by himself, and it translates into him not being able to decide in what order to do things when cooking, not being able to decide which ingredients to buy when there are multiple brands of the same item, etc Also, what if he’s autistic or something? We tend to want to do things the "correct way" or not do it at all, and if there ISNT one "correct way” (as in, it doesnt matter if you put tomato before or after oregano) it can send us into a bit of a panicked state because now WE have to decide which way is correct to us (refer to my first theory where he struggles with decision making) So while the theory made by commenters might just be the one, i dont think its fair to jump on the roasting wagon so soon and that OP should have a conversation with him and try to find out the root of this issue
A child with A DVD can be trained and disciplined for his own good as he grows. You are doing Ryan no favors by letting him free range and do anything he wants.
I have SEVERE dual-type ADHD. And I wouldn’t do that shit even if I was off my meds. They are setting their son up for failure. They need to teach him coping skills and proper social etiquette before their lack of parenting screws him over hardcore.
Story 1: Sounds to me like OP is using Ryan to force Madison and the baby OP doesn't approve of existing out of the house. Story 2: I had to go back and make sure that OP had said this was her adult boyfriend and not her eight year old son. Just because a person is smart in other very specific areas doesn't mean they don't have a learning disability. OP's giving the impression of some emotional immaturity from the boyfriend. The Camp Story: And I bet OP was demanding that his daughter's friend pay back the money that was "lost", too. What a tool. There's nothing to be confused about: OP tried to run a scam, it failed, and when he tried to get his daughter back in his life (probably because his child support payments were about to go up), he discovered that his actions continue to have consequences. She's gonna be completely no contact with him by 18.
Agreed. And I wonder if OP will post in the future “AITA for taking in my daughter her newborn but she makes demands regarding our special needs son and when we refuse, she leaves and won’t let us see our grand baby?”
Story 1 ESH - OP Sucks for not disciplining, Kid sucks for being a brat, daughter sucks for bringing a baby into the world with no father and not being able to support it herself.
I have adhd,and my sons(two), have it also..my daughter don't. . I can say that my youngest has problems being quiet in the mornings, not to wake up everyone, but you know what? He tries his best,and no one is angry at him here, but he doesn'tterrorize everyonehere! Can'tsay the sameof op and his kid..Sorry op is ta.. they don't even try to stop him from goibg to sis's room and let them be.. This kid is a monster, thanks to op!!
S1, Op please contact your doctor about the medication that Ryan is on as he may need to have it changed as it's not working as well as it's should be ,his body is used to the medication and that could affect how the medication is working .Op also look into therapy for coping methods for Ryan to learn and they can give you some ideas on what could work with the excess energy ,your daughter needs to have a lock put on her room door as no one wants an 8 year old barging in anytime day or night and your daughter needs some privacy to do personal body functions such as changing clothes ,drying off after a bath/shower .Op you can't allow Ryan to disrupt your home anymore you need to man up and do something about his unacceptable behaviour now or he'll end up doing something to a stranger later on that lands him in prison.YTA
Missing money story: I agree with the comments except the child support bit, no he didn’t have to pay because technically the ex was violating the custody agreement at the behest of the daughter, yes it’s a good thing the mother respected the daughters choices, however that doesn’t mean she can disrespect the custody arrangement from a legal perspective
My son has ADHD and I put him on medication and he had a MD Dr a psychologist but the medication does not work the same for everyone so if you want to e judgemental walk a mile in a parent if a child with ADHD, not a child but a parent.
Story 2: Op can simply not make him food anymore? He already feeds himself without she needing to make him food. He can live fine without either of them cooking for each other. She is the one complaining and when he gets excited about learning how to cook suddently it's weaponized incompetence? I also need to be told how to do things specifically when learning from another person. It's not incompetence, just being different.
I also have ADHD and add to it Aspergers and I hate when people use their ADHD or Aspergers (or their children's ADHD/Aspergers) to justify bad actions!!! Is like the people that use "I'm brutally honest" as a free card to be openly rude to other people with zero consequences!!!
Story one: growing up with or without ADHD would of got a hard smack in the back of the head in most households back in the day. OP blame ADHD for her bad parenting.
#1: OP's TA, & needs to stop making excuses. My son (12) has had severe ADHD since he was 4. Ryan's behavior isn't going to magically change for the better one day, not w/o discipline & consequences for bad behavior. OP's being TA to not only his daughter & granddaughter, but also towards Ryan too. OP's petty & immature.
Story 1, Ryan does NOT sound like he has adhd. I have inattentive type, and my ex is hyperactive type WITH bipolar on top and STILL doesn't act like that. That's NOT adhd. You absolutely need to take him in for a proper dx and get some treatment to help him regulate his life and behaviours. Don't get me wrong, it could be adhd PLUS other conditions, but that behaviour us absolutely NOT an adhd thing. Edit, I just re-listened, Ryan is only 8? Fam cmon now, if he does have adhd, this is a lack of parenting issue, not an adhd issue. All 8 year olds behave like you described basically but are in the midst of learning social rules, AND has had his house invaded by his adult sister and a baby! There are some really good creators like Mr Chazz that can help you teach your son these social skills but this still isn't just "Ryan has adhd" this is " Ryan has adhd and we arent willing to teach him boundaries"
Story about the bf who can't cook: So. The OP wanted her bf to learn to cook. He was content to eat ramen and ready-to-eat meals. I'd just learn to make plain white rice and make it fot OP every time she came over while I nuked myself a Stouffer's meal.
Story 2: OP needs to read part of what she wrote and see that she is being played. So he can make ramen and heat frozen meals one is cooked on the stove the other is microwaved but he can't put cold meat and/or cheese on bread?
Story 1, OP is only making excuses. ADHD isn’t the same as autism or others disabilities that make them not understand their behaviour. Son can 100% control his behaviour but doesn’t because he knows mommy and daddy allow him to do what he wants because of his adhd
ADHD is a very TREATABLE mental health disorder. You need to recognize that and get your son the help he needs to get the most out of life (therapy, tutoring, depends on the person). An 8yo barging into rooms shouting should not be acceptable behavior. Give your daughter a break (she is trying- and she is clearly more upset about the impact things are having on the baby more than anything else). Show her that you are capable of being an involved and effective parent. Give her an example to respect. And please PLEASE get your son into treatment ASAP. It might involve medication, or not, it will involve your son having to learn a lot of self-discipline and how to productively channel his energy. It’s also going to be a bit of a nightmare because you’ve let his behavior slide for so long that he will definitely fight discipline now. Stick with it. He deserves to have a good chance at life and you can give that to him, but it won’t be easy. My baby brother (now a 6’2” 38yo) was diagnosed with ADD. He had a rough time with it growing up, and with school- my parents did their best to help him with what was available- there is much more available now and the condition is much better understood, you are in luck there. Took him a while, but my brother has finally found an even keel in his life and is doing well. If my parents had just blamed his tantrums on something untouchable he probably wouldn’t have made it to 20.
Story 1 - OP sounds like a terrible parent. One unruly brat and one pregnant teenage daughter. ADHD is not an excuse for a child to terrorize other people. My husband has ADHD and he is so tired of people using that an excuse to not discipline their children. How hard is it for your son to NOT GO INTO A BEDROOM that is not his? Does he have other mental challenges? I will say OP is right that the daughter is lucky to have a home to stay in for free. However, I could tell immediately that OP is a neglectful parent. He is failing both of his kids.
Waking up the baby by doing other things is an ADHD thing, going to the baby to wake it up is not ADHD, I have ADHD and I have it in my own room / without going into other people's spaces
Your sister is abusive to her stepson. Her and the boys father have completely ignored him and shoved their decisions on to him. They adopted and fostered a bunch of children. Why is it his responsibility to watch them
Wait, so this guy didn’t even know how to stack a sandwich? Something the average elementary school kid could figure out? This guy has mastered the art of weaponized incompetence.
And he acts grateful to OP so he knows how to perform weaponized incompetence without the AH vibe. If OP keeps up with playing along with his game, he may drop the niceties and then suddenly can’t do the chores he currently does properly
@paulina de boer - He was cooking on his own and it wasn't to Miss Thang's liking... she created this issue through not being grateful. She wasn't happy with this aspect of him and decided to make him her project, that it's backfired on her... Well! Kudos to him.
I'm so tired of people using ADHD as a get out jail free card. I have ADHD and naturally speak loudly. I still understand that I shouldn't shout in front of a baby.
Story 1 - he absolutely can control how he behaves. Having no volume control is a thing, but he can be told not to barge into peoples room waking up babies.
Yeah, that's the thing that cinched it for me too. If he was just loud then that'd be one thing but if the OP is just letting him barge into the room with a sleeping baby then it's a failing in the OPs parenting.
It seems weird that the kid is doing that over and over. Either he knows the OP won't do anything and is trying to get a rise out of the daughter or the OP got him to do it.
And picking up sleeping babies to play with like they’re dolls. And it sounds like he only has interest when the baby is sleeping. Also sounds like OPs daughter gave her brother a boundary to leave her and her child alone. Everyone is disregarding the new mother and child. Why even bother to let her stay?
@@michaelplunkett8059 omg he is 8?! I didn't pay attention to that!!! He is too old for that, Jesus i have cousins with adhd and first thing I taught them, do not touch my art stuff and behave in my room. Parents aren't parenting
Yeah sleep deprivation for a baby isn’t safe
@@brookelynnwu8016 op's daughter should move out..
Both my grandsons have ADHD. Start disciplining your son. He shouldn't be bursting into other people's room and shouting.
Wonder if son has more issues than just ADHD, but either way.... son should have been taught way before the baby came into the picture not to enter into anyone's bedroom without knocking and being given permisson to enter. Basic Parenting 101. This should have been brought up at the time of reminding him to keep his volume down as babies need it more quiet to sleep. Although I for one don't believe that, we can agree to disagree on that. If son was having problems with that why Can't they just put a lock on Madison's bedroom door, so they can lock him out when baby is sleeping. Why put up with all the drama when you can spend $15 to change the doorknob? They also have different baby electronics that play white noise, music, and other different sounds that can be placed close to crib to help cover other distracting sounds to help baby sleep undisturbed. Sometimes just the regular TV or radio with volume adjusted can do the same. No need to expect a young child to immediately change their behavior just because a baby came into the picture. Meaning, any unsavory behavior should have been dealt with as they came up, not just because of a new baby. Again Basic Parenting 101.
While I agree with you, at the same time, Madison knew exactly how her brother was and chose to bring her baby into that home. Op spoke to both of them when the issue was brought up, and everything was fine for a couple of weeks until the 8 year old did it again. Kids can't be expected to be perfect all the time. Also, Madison, as an adult living in her parents' home, shouldn't be screaming at an 8 year old. She should have addressed it with his actual parents and had them deal with it. It's their job to parent and/or punish their son, not hers. Also, if it was truly a problem for her, she could have bought a knob with a lock. Op, spouse, and Madison are all to blame in this situation and should have made better decisions.
@@smartypants8533 Yeah it's hard ESH, but if a little brat was acting like that, best be sure I'd be screaming at him.
Story one: Absolutely NOT. I have ADHD and that does not mean that I am not responsible for my actions nor that I not understand consequences or lack empathy.
ADHD is not a get out of jail card. You raise that kid this way and you will never be able to launch him into the real world. You may have the patience and "are used to the noise" but the rest of the world is a whole lot less tolerant. Teach your kid manners, boundaries, and consequences now before you've got a 50 year old shut in who is a video game addict living in your house who has nothing but failed attempts at any effort of improvement.
Ryan made the baby cry. Did you care about that, OP?
@@lamwen03newborns cry at just about anything, it's unavoidable. You could have the TV up too loud and they will start crying.
@@GreenKnight1982 A little more often if kid comes into their room while sleeping and wakes them up.
Heck, I have ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until my *20s* even though it was *obvious* in hindsight (and I probably *would've* been diagnosed earlier if I was a boy). Focusing and following instructions has always been hard for me, but I *try.* My parents were patient with me, but they also *insisted* that I try. They were *quite* clear about how to be polite and not to go into other people's rooms unless invited. There's a lot about human interactions I don't understand since I'm also on the autism spectrum. I mess up sometimes. Like being told to put some flowers in a vase and *only* putting them in a vase without adding any water. I *try,* though.
Agree hes ah if I was the daughter they don't get grandparents right to see the baby and go nc
As an adult who has ADHD, I can tell you that Ryan CAN control how he behaves. The OP is doing that child no favor by not teaching him how to behave. If they can't parent that child appropriately then they need to get therapy for everyone, child and parents.
Adult ADHD is different than those in children. Its also over diagnosed cause doctors that are diagnosing it usually don't have the credentials to. Parents claim ADHD for everything, and a lot of it is to get a check for their kid and to explain their shitty parenting. Another thing the meds they give kids for it fuck them up even worse and make the situation worse. There is actual medical research on that. I have also seen it with kids in the foster system.
Missing money/summer camp story: "your ego is going to ruin your relationship with your daughter" it already has considering she's stopped talking to him twice over it, the OP has a chance to make it up to her but won't.
Why do I get the feeling that the moment the daughter in the first story is financially stable and mentally and emotionally stable she is immediately going low contact with her mother and no contact with her father and baby brother because let's be real here this is one of those situations where this man is so disappointed in his twenty-year-old daughter getting pregnant and becoming a new mom that he would rather have his son basically disrupt her and his granddaughter's sleep. To the point where it could cause the daughter to just mentally and emotionally breakdown and potentially snap. Not to mention I have a weird feeling that the original poster is really enjoying this. Not to mention snapping at her and saying you can either deal with or you can get out. Knowing for fact that his daughter has no other place to go. It's almost to me like he wants his daughter to either suffer for getting pregnant or give the child up for adoption because this thing is on the verge of this only his own daughter because of the pregnancy and possibly more. He's in the wrong big time but I were the daughter I would basically get my ducks in a row so that way within six months you can be gone
Bingo.
He's likely on here to get allies to tell him his sh*ty behavior and parenting are acceptable and is mad that so many are saying the opposite. But I doubt it will cause him to change. He seems to be looking for enablers.
@@girl1213 exactly I just got through reading the post on Reddit and literally when I try to see if he had any replies the post was locked it was removed and you're not allowed to see his profile. I guess most of the people knew that this dude was in a hole but there was someone was saying the daughter was in the wrong and she even needs to deal with it or move out ASAP
Judging by the daughter's decision-making, that might be quite a long time.
I feel so bad for the kid in the last story. Some people are so freaking oblivious. That kid is going no contact at 18
@@michaelplunkett8059 yup. But they won't. They can't conceive of him not wanting to be part of that whole "family"
TBH, I'm surprised he hasn't run away from home multiple times already.
I know why that 16 year old left. He knows that if he stayed, Mom and Dad knew that they'd got a free babysitter in him.
Ryan seems like a tiresome brat. The OP will be defending his behavior for YEARS!
I fear you're right. But what scares me even more is the thought that Ryan will somehow end up hurting the baby or something and OP and his wife give him a scolding and that'll be the end of it. He won't be punished because his fragile ADHD-afflicted soul wouldn't be able to handle it. This kid is going to end up in REAL trouble one of these days with people who won't be so willing to give him a free pass for a mental illness that can easily be controlled. Your kid having ADHD is no excuse to not teach them right and wrong (and about consequences). I have Asperger's and as a kid if I misbehaved or threw a tantrum, I got the belt.
Story 1: A diagnosis explains behaviour and can help you understand how to manage it, but it is not a free excuse or a get out of jail free card. OP needs to actually parent their son or they're going to ruin that poor child. The real world is not going to care that he has ADHD when he grows up to be an awful person because he never hears the word NO.
yeah, the statistics on untreated adhd are pretty sad: not being able to hold a job or relationship, addiction, self-harm. at least OP knows their child has been diagnosed with it and can provide therapy and coping tools, but nope, just enabling bad behavior.
(side story, I once lived in a condo complex with this woman and her child--7yrs to 10yrs age range-- and the kid would continually assault younger kids when he was around them, until he was ultimately banned from the communal areas unless expressly accompanied by his mother. The mother would always excuse his aggression as "they were bullying him" or "he was once bullied, he doesn't know better". Yeah, I'm pretty sure he'll become a felon, either from beating his own mother, a girlfriend, or children because she taught him it was OK to pick on smaller people, especially if they try to stand up to you).
@@FearMyLadyBits Sounds like that mom is in for a rude awakening when her little boy grows bigger than her.
Story 2 - At the beginning of the story, my first thought was "weaponized incompetence", and then the high maintenance behavior on top of it? BF sounds absolutely exhausting. My ex was very similar, where he wanted me to cheer him and compliment him on every single thing he did but never returned the compliments (literally). He was an energy vampire, and that's part of the reason why he's now ex.
I bet Op's boyfriend is handsome, and Op is desperate. If they have a child, Op will have to help the kids with their homework.
I thought that maybe his Mother made him this way to maintain control of him. OP how hard to just send an emoji reply of thumbs up or a drooling smiley face? Then let it go. The fact he made the Mac and cheese and added broccoli negates the idea he was doing it to manipulate her into doing all the cooking. Maybe OP could have instead made suggestions like, "Nice job, you could also try adding can chicken and broccoli to the Mac and cheese another time. Or even add tuna fish to Mac and cheese for a different meal." Then if she ever really does decide he is too high maintenance for her she can leave knowing he can at least feed himself. Maybe gift him one of those sandwich press or grill thingies. They come with recipe books. Look for cookbooks created for kids/teenagers, basic cooking/snacks....easy stuff. Since he likes ramen, show him how to look up RUclips videos on different methods of making packaged ramen. Because it actually sounds like he was enjoying to cook for himself. If he had been 13 and not 33, his reaction would have been normal. Again think his Mother stunted his growth in this department and instilled his fears of cooking to keep him out of her kitchen to maintain control there.
Last one: The stepson sees what they were hoping to for... Forced parentification and a full time free baby sitter. My mother tried to parentify me to my nephew when I was only a child. It really effected how much I mistrusted people.
The solution is teaching curse words and telling them family secrets. Nothing keeps kids away from you than teaching them things their parents don't want them to know
Anyone else thinking that the parents watched too many episodes of _The Brady Bunch_ or _The Duggers_ and thought that’s the way life really works.
I had SUPER bad ADHD when I was little. Like one day I went without my meds in school I ran like crazy from my teachers. While I can't remember that I do have vivid memories of looking over my shoulder and, when I turned back around, I smacked into a metal door frame. I was also a 90's kid so it took my mom a bit of doctor convincing to get me on meds so when I acted calm for the very first time she cried. Without trying to go too off track, yes, kids/people with server ADHD really can not help the things they do. Our brains don't work that way. BUT we can learn. If it's told enough times, and we are punished for the things we aren't supposed to do (even a time out for being so young) we will learn against it. Plus, if the Ops son's ADHD is really that bad try some medication. believe me, my mom didn't want to either since she'd think she'd be a bad mom. Took a doctor telling her I was basically suffering without it because my brain could not slow down. maybe not those words but around them and it was kind of true. I couldn't get control of my thoughts or focus. Medication helped a lot. Slowed me down and allowed me to focus. Didn't zone me out or "Zombie" me at all
As somebody who had ADHD as a juvenile and is now diagnosed with bipolar 2 I can tell you that I honestly didn't grow up and learn until I was in my mid-20s and had to go to prison. Nothing my mom did ever got through to me
@@GreenKnight1982 learning was very hard, either to do something or not to, but I eventually caught on to some of them. Others remained hard but medication to slow me down did help
LOL that is NOT how medication works but okay. LOL
@@ButtonsCasey it’s how it worked for me.
@@HNKNAChick52 There's always some conceited know-it-all in the comments who will tell you that they know more about the effects of a certain medication has ON YOU that you do yourself. It's so absurd.
And yes, some stimulants such as methylphenidates and amphetamines can have a very significant calming effect on people with severe ADHD. It doesn't work for everyone, it's always highly individual, but it can be a miracle for especially younger kids with ADHD and their exhausted parents.
With my aspy son it took a while for him to be comfortable cooking.. the important thing is he MUST follow recipes exactly.. I keep reminding him that food doesn’t have to look good to taste good. Bread seems to be the final obstacle.
Story 1 if you want a look into the future, go look up chris chan. Parents coddled him and told him that his autism make him special and rules were different for him. Now shes currently out on bail for supposedly doing "things" with their senile mother.
Lots of children story : NTA OP, but the stepmother and her husband are. As a former foster mother myself, also with bio children, I am horrified at the decisions made by these people. They have a teenager already in the house with, potentially, major problems but, instead of giving him time and helping him sort them out, they take on more time demanding, possibly damaged, children so they have even less time for the stepson - and then expect him to look after them! They are not his responsibility!!! This son will be gone at 18 and they will have lost him. Bad parenting has life long repercussions and the husband is a shocking father to his son for allowing all this to happen. Poor son.
You've absolutely nailed it. Instead of taking in 'replacement' children, they should look at their own behaviour. It's sad that fostering services seem to treat children as commodities to be moved around instead of caring about the poor souls they're pushing. On he streets, this would be called 'pimping' but, because it's govt/state/city in control, it's seen as 'caring'. Or am I being too harsh?
Camp story: As I said on another video who read this story; I'm going to guess the reason his ex is an ex is based on him accusing her of something like cheating with zero proof and doubling down/not apologising when he's proven tobe in the wrong. He seems like the type
How did the money magically get in the trunk?
my grandson had terrible adhd and medicine calmed him right down. so there is something you can do in addition to making him behave! do you really think he will be allowed to act crazy like that at school!??? you need to get him help now!! your poor daughter!!
The ADHD is irrelevant in this story, he’s an 8 year old kid doing what 8 year old kids do. Running around and being loud is a symptom of childhood the family need to set boundaries not drug up a child because they can’t parent.
I work in education and here in the U.K. it’s next to impossible to get a ADHD diagnosis at that age for the behaviour described in the post, as if you could 99% of kids would have a diagnosis even if they didn’t actually have ADHD. Plus while medication does help some children, others it has no effect or in some cases even has a greater adverse effect on their well being, meaning even if the parents in this story were doing every right going straight to the answer filling him with drugs isn’t always the right call. And again even when the drugs do help, drugs don’t replace parenting I’m sure with your grandson you and his parents were still doing your jobs as role models and guides to his development.
I really think OP is using his son in hopes his behavior will drive his daughter to leave.
I'm a woman with ADHD and we tend to have more of the impulsivity over the hyperactivity (as they age, men with it tend to wind down with the hyperactivity too). But it's a life-long struggle that you must teach yourself to control and maintain. What it is NOT is an excuse to run roughshod over other people.
You do realise that your grandson is an individual right? You see, all us with a neurodivergent diagnoses are individuals (who could have guessed? Not you or the redditers for sure), what works for one, does not work for all. All of us, do not have the exact same symptoms or effects or our disability.
And a lot of us can't change, you are not divergent by choice. Unless you think we should choose to be lobotomized perhaps?
@@elcactusdelamuerte506 I don't think that we should discount medication before even starting any help. There is behavioral therapy too.
What I am saying is that meds aren't always the answer, but they shouldn't be discounted right off the bat.
Story 1: Having ADHD doesn’t mean that your son can’t learn how to properly behave in certain situations. Babies go through intense development and so they need a great deal of sleep, which your grandchild can’t get if your son is constantly waking up the baby. Instead of coddling him, give him consequences for not doing what you told him to do. When he becomes an adult, no one will take his ADHD into consideration when he oversteps boundaries 🙁
Story 2: Having to reparent an adult can be stressful, especially if they don’t want to grow up🙁
Story 3: Well folks I think that we have our nominee for AH of the year. Your envelope of money goes missing and, without any proof, you immediately point the finger at your daughter’s friend. You then refused to pay your half of your daughter’s summer camp. Once you found the money that YOU misplaced, you apologized to both girls, but refused to pay fully for the next summer camp year. Given all that you put her through, that’s the least that you could have done!😠
Story 4: OMG, is this some kind of disease that’s going around? What is it with people trying to make instant families and then getting all Pikachu face when things don’t work out the way they planned. Eight months is not enough time for children to get to know each other and a new partner. When you rush things in a relationship, it’s going to lead to trouble and unhappiness 😢
Story 1: I have ADHD and so does my son and neither one of us has loud outburst like that. That's messed up as hell.
The last story: Sister's step-son didn't get a chance to adjust to his father's marriage and new step kids. He clearly isn't comfortable with their blended family. Adding more kids is ridiculous and selfish. Both parents are delusional and children services are so desperate to have the foster kids place that they don't care that this family is dysfunctional.
Genius, not every one is the same, you and your son have a MILD case the boy does not.
@@carmenortiz5294 Maybe, but the parents still need to keep an eye on him and actually discipline him, regardless of how bad his adhd is.
@@akl2k7 Or the 20 year old with a baby can move out OR put a lock on her door.
@@carmenortiz5294 You can not diagnose someone's level of a mental illness over the internet. However, you are correct that everyone experiences everything differently. Adults with ADHD do not have the same symptoms as children as well.
@@ButtonsCasey Oh, yes I can. I happen to be a retired CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST and that means that I can DIAGNOSE children. What? you are not aware that there are even sites online where people can call for advice regarding ADHD. I'm going to diagnose the much older sister of a boy of elementary school age: She doesn't like it she can leave AGAIN. Last sentence, of course not, they learned how to cope with their problem an elementary age child rarely can. Your user name says it all. I don't know how old you are, but when I was a lot younger Lalala was what we used to refer to stupid people as in lalaland, LOL.
Story 2. His need to know the exact timing of placing the oregano, and his dislike of cooking because it was too many ingredients and had to be put in and specific times might be hinting that he is OCD or autistic
Story 1- I have 2 children with ADHD and they would never behave this way. Your sons behavior has nothing to do with ADHD. It's being I'll mannered and undisciplined. Parent your son.
As a person with ADHD, there is ZERO reason the kid can’t behave like a civilized human being. You can still provide guidance and discipline to a neurodivergent child, you just need to understand the things they truly cannot help and teach them coping mechanisms.
Ryan sounds like a “change of life” baby that the OP had late in life, and some parents like that just seem to give up on raising their kids because they’re tired.
Story one Adhd is very treatable. With medications, and in some cases diet changes. Plus people with Adhd still have control of themselves. It's not a excuse to be a brat.
As someone who has anxiety with severe depression ,I use coping methods to live a almost normal life and it's tough ,ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain and can be controlled by coping methods and medication that is monitored by a medical professional .
On the last story: OP, keep calling CPS and keep documenting everything. The boy's father, nor your sister, are fit to be parents.
Story 2;
I come from a home where cooking was done by literally everyone else. Not because I was lazy, but because my cooking wasn't as good as theirs. They never let me try to get better. I would make things just for myself, but didn't know about portioning, because I was very young. It was never good, but every time I cooked, I would be yelled at for wasting food. Or for not getting someone else to do it.
As an adult, I can't cook to save my life. I have zero confidence in the kitchen. Also, I'm on a fixed income. Wasting food is a major problem for me.
When someone does help me make something, I request exact measurements and instructions. Telling me to adjust to taste is so beyond useless, because I am used to eating bland, or not tasty food, by other's standards.
So if you're demanding he cook for you, get him some cooking classes. He seems eager to please, and he isn't lazy, since he has no problem doing the cleanup.
I get really angry when people tell me that I'm being willfully ignorant, or lazy, when I'm willing to learn! But no one has patience to allow mistakes, or to start with the basics. They immediately want to dive into key lime pie, or eggplant Parmesan. Like, how about scrambling an egg without overcooking it? Or cooking chicken on the stove top?
Does that sound pathetic? Because I tried cooking chicken one time, and it was NASTY, because I didn't know you have to season your food. Or marinade it. Literally no one taught me basics.
I understand what you’re saying. But OP has been trying to teach him the basics but he doesn’t seem to want to learn.
@@CD0789 He's doing things that a person who doesn't have any experience does.
He may be a loser. But it just doesn't sound like a case of him not trying, or unwilling to learn. It sounds more like she's a frustrated (rightfully so) person, questioning why their partner can't cook for them.
She said he cleans up any messes after she cooks. So he isn't lazy.
She says that he made Mac 'n cheese with broccoli and was super proud of himself.
I follow directions and the noodles are usually mush. I'd be proud too.
She's vegetarian. That's all kinds of ingredients he's probably never tried to work with.
Especially if she's expecting tofu, or meat substitutes.
I'm just saying, I can relate. I don't know what to do with meat. I'd probably crawl into the fetal position if I was approached with tofu lol
I misunderstood, I’m sorry about that. He’s not a loser, I wouldn’t call him one. OP has taught him the basics but he not confident enough to try on his own and wants OP to give him attention anytime he tries something new. Cooking like everything else is trial and error. I would say he’s a little unwilling if he doesn’t try on his own and without OP being there every step of the way. Maybe he could take a cooking class without OP? That could build up his confidence.
@@CD0789 Oh I know you didn't! That was MY term I used. I think that most people who responded to the OP immediately jumped to weaponized incompetence. Where I see it as no confidence, or experience.
I personally think cooking basic foods should be a learn in school thing. Life skills should be taught, period. Just like basic finances. But that's a whole other can of worms.
Mom paid your half last year and even if you intend to pay half for this year, you owe the entire sum. Is it in your settlement agreement about who pays for camp?
Story 2: he's definitely using a form of weaponized incompetence, but what people are ignoring is that learning cooking late in life is really hard and scary because you don't know what you don't know.
Making a deli sandwich is really simple... unless you put the tomato too close to the bread and it got soggy and disgusting before you got to eat it, or someone made fun of you for it. This happened to me. I followed a minute rice recipe, but I didn't know the cookware we had got too hot too fast so "medium heat" meant "low-medium" for us. Burnt rice, had my then girlfriend laugh at me for it. Decided cooking sucked and swore off it for years.
Now I can cook practically anything, but it took my wife getting pregnant for me to wake up from the fog and decide to handle it. But even now, I worry about what I don't know.
Story 1: people with ADHD can absolutely control their behaviours & it's absolutely on you to parent him better. Having said that she is a parent now and she is living off someone else's money, if you do not like the living conditions in which you live then you have a choice to either live with it or move out. You don't get to mooch off someone and then complain about the people they live in a house you brought a child into. Guarantee these behaviours aren't new, so expecting things to magically change when you bring a baby into the house is ridiculously stupid.
You are a parent now, you do whatever you need to in order to care for your child and it's on you to provide for them.
I've also don't considerable research into understanding ADHD and how it manifests differently in different people. I'm currently undertaking research for alternative therapies to assist children. End of the day there is ALWAYS a way, is it easy, well more often than not no but there is always a way.
I have to disagree because I had severe ADHD as a juvenile and young adult and honestly didn't learn how to control myself until I was in my mid-twenties and ended up going to prison. Nothing doctors or my mother did got through to me and that includes therapy and medication. Now at 41 I'm actually an upstanding member of society.
@@GreenKnight1982 I have ADHD as does my son. There is always a way, it just requires effort. My son went from completely out of control to a great kid over a few months through eliminating a lot of rubbish from his diet as well as medication & an insane number of strategies to support him. It is absolutely possible with effort.
@@miss_mish That may have worked for your son, but that doesn't mean that it will work for anyone else.
@@jedimasters1462 I work with children with ADHD there is always a way. It just requires effort and being willing to try everything possible until you find a solution. There is no one solution that helps all but those that stop trying or don't bother trying are the ones who have children who aren't able to function in a positive way with society. If a child is unable to function in society positively either they have parents that aren't willing to do whatever it takes to help their child, parents that don't have the cognitive ability to understand their child needs help and there is a solution or parents that just don't care.
She got pregnant at 19 and had a baby at 20.Of course its her body and her choice.But also she chose to stay in the house with her parents knowing they dont really support her pregnancy.The father probably absent too.
OP daughter probably didnt work and stayed at home demanding everyone to change the whole environment because she had a baby.
Well she chose to keep it,now she could suck it up or move out.
Jesus ..is that what it’s like if you don’t grab a guy in your 20’s… spit my tea out on that one
The good ones are all taken. 🤣
ADHD doesn't mean you can't have boundaries. He's a spoiled little monster.
Last story: yes, leaving the kids alone was bad, but for the rest, i feel bad for the kid, must be hard that no one in your "family" takes your feelings or opinion into account
That was it for me too. Stepmum says she wants to know about his feelings, but whenever he did express them, he was told they were wrong and they disregarded them. She trained him to keep everything bottled up by not helping him at all when he did express himself. Both parents are still disregarding his feelings when they drag him out of his room and try to force him into big brother mode. It's not enough to just ask about his feelings, you have to show that you give a crap. Neither of them do.
Last story-
The kid doesn’t want a big family like that. He feels like it’s pushed on him because that’s what step mom wants and whatever she wants to no matter what the kid gives up to help them.
Best thing to do is let him stay somewhere else and just be a teen. Not a big brother, baby sitter, or caretaker for step moms new kids. I bet just one summer where no one looks at him to be a babysitter will do wonders for him
I might have agreed with you if he hadn't left the kids unattended. He could have left the house before dad had to go to work to prove his point, but to wait until he is out of the house to leave???
Sure he is in a bad situation, but that doesn't explain leaving kids unnatended. I mean the stemom is TA, but in half an hour kids can kill themselves and burn the house down.
He doesn't care about them, and he just guaranteed he won't be forced again.
@@matthewschocke4094 Only because it ended well.If something had happened he would have ended up i prison for child endagerment at very least for murder at the most.
@@JaneRHeartofGoldI agree with your point but, frankly, the parents are idiots and completely, 110% responsible here.
Any sane adult would have been able to predict the outcome of trying to force an abused, upset, angry teenager who never agreed to babysit to 'do the right thing' by just leaving them with kids they have been conditioned to hate.
@@NickoBaggins True. It's all parents' fault. However at 16 you should be old enough to understand that you might end up in jail for this. The fact he doesn't seem to understand makes me think he might need to be evaluated for autism and other mental disorders. I mean self preservtion is essential, especially if you're traumatised and he desn't seem to have any.
Story 2: Dude's probably on the spectrum and never diagnosed. Some things about the story stick out to me in that regard. Especially the being upset that she wouldn't tell him which way was the right way wrt the pizza sauce and oregano.
Also, we need to put the term "weaponized incompetence" on the high shelf until people learn to use it correctly
Yep, that's the exact part that made me think of me. I'm on the spectrum and I'd worry I'd mess things up if I did it the wrong way. I hate "it doesn't really matter" because that isn't a true answer in my mind and I'd feel irritated and like i was having a mini panic attack because I just want to know. Even a "Typically you put the base on first and then oregano, but it really doesn't matter. You Choose" would be SOOO much better.
I think we need to put diagnosing people with autism because of one single trait on the shelf first - EVERYONE has an ASD trait or two. You are asd when you have lots/all
I dunno, it seems pretty apt here. 33 and can't manage a sandwich on his own?
@@thedorkone1516 yeah, that alone is pretty strange. He probably does know but doesn’t want to. Because even if I think it sounds he is on the spectrum I could make myself sandwiches at the very least when I was little. Or anything that needed a microwave. I wasn’t allowed to use the stove much (I put a kettle in the microwave for this reason alone when I was 5-8 years old. Maybe 9) but when I became ok I’d even make myself Mac and cheese or boil hot dogs.
@Y’vaan yep. In fact Asperger’s syndrome is a key example. I mean, I don’t consider myself smart but when I see examples of others the first I think of is doctors of scientists
33 and can't cook? I agree this is manipulation. I can't imagine anyone not knowing how to cook basic stuff. I'm fairly sure I was making ham and chees sandwiches when I was 7.
Story 2: I feel that. It’s like they just cannot apply normal everyday common sense to a new situation. It’s infuriating lol.
Idgaf what your gender is if you can't do things that are basic survival skills to being a functional adult then your parents are failures. I'm 42 years old & never thought I would see a day where so many damn adults can't do basic shyt. I've met so many people in their 30s that can't cook, can't clean, can't pay their bills or budget within their means, can't hang a picture, can't even follow simple instructions on how build the cabinet they bought at Target. It's not rocket science either, just look it up RUclips & bam. Wtaf happened to parents that they've "raised" such socially inept children?
Story 1: That doesn't sound like ADHD. I have ADHD and I could very easily understand the concept of "someone is sleeping so be quieter or play outside". My mom got migraines a lot and took almost daily naps, and while I might have been a little too loud a few times I learned and did my best to adjust. I knew not to enter her room unless it was a serious emergency. OP is a lousy parent and making excuses for their kid cause they can't be bothered to actually parent a child who needs correcting and teaching. If the kid's ADHD is too severe to learn coping mechanisms then he needs medication. I'm not even saying with for the daughter and baby, but for his own sake as he gets older and has to learn to be an adult.
Story 1: YTA, Madison is right, Dad. He should know better not to burst into a room where the baby is sleeping, and you're using his ADHD to excuse his behavior. Honestly, he's trying to degrade his daughter for having a baby at 20 years old while not doing anything to discipline his bratty son. Pretty soon, she's going to end up leaving home, go no contact and father wondering why she left. And I have a feeling that he's going be back on Reddit by saying: "AITA for wanting to see my grandchild after my daughter cut me off because I didn't discipline my ADHD brat of a son?"
OP is trying to drive his daughter out of the house-Plain and Simple! He's creating a hostile environment for her and the baby by allowing the son to do whatever he wants!
Story 1 OP’s definitely an idiot.. ADHD isn’t an excuse to misbehave.. other families deal with this with everyday.. he’s been allowed to use this is an excuse..OP’s son should never be allowed to burst into ANY room without permission.. what if the daughter was changing clothes and was naked? Ryan, unless his problem is severe, can be taught not to be loud at times when people need quiet time.. there’s services that can help him learn how to tone down his energy..
Story 2… OP’s dating a man child that .. he sounds like he’s manipulative.. if he plays dumb long enough, she’ll take over rather that put up with it..
Story 3…OP’s an idiot and so far he hasn’t learned anything.. he does owe the full amount of camp since he wrongly refused last camp..
Story 4…OP’s sister and her husband are ridiculous to try to force the stepson to accept her and adopted kids as his family… it will never happen.. he’ll leave when he’s able to and got NC..
As someone who got diagnosed young with ADHD it’s absolutely not an excuse. Also, the sexist double standard is ridiculous, I was hammered down like a nail while “boys are just being boys“
Story 2: I’m going against the grain and saying NAH. He is excited to learn and wants to share that with his gf. She wants a break from coaching and that’s okay.
She's literally become his damn mother! What grown ass man doesn't know how to make a sandwich or a pizza?! I could both those things before the age of 12! Then again I had a mother that actually RAISED me to be a functional adult. What's next is she expected to teach him how to pay his bills or wipe? Know plenty of people with learning disabilities that are perfectly capable of being self sufficient. Fact is mommy coddled him instead of raising him, not OP job to do mommy's job for her.
@@YvaanAvesna Yeah. The part that gets me is that she had to teach him how to *make a sandwich.* Like, the first thing I thought of when he said that there are so many parts that have to come together that he gets anxious is learning disability. Maybe a developmental disability. But not knowing how to make a sandwich? If he was that bad off, the disability would be obvious in other ways, not just food prep.
Like, my dad managed to *burn* popcorn while using one of those automatic popcorn makers that shoots the popped kernels out the top. He's *brilliant,* but easily distracted. He mostly managed to get through a job on an assembly line by putting his body on autopilot and letting his mind wonder the cosmos. Nearly chopped his finger off, eventually. You can *not* talk to him and expect the subject to remain even *remotely* the same for the whole conversation. Or even a whole *sentence,* sometimes. He told me that finally being diagnosed as ADD-inattentive when almost sixty was like finding out he'd been driving with the parking brake on his whole life.
I've got much the same problem, only it's ADHD (and we both have Asperger's). *Anything* that involves leaving something to boil, bake, or whatever for more than five minutes is likely to end in disaster because I'll start doing something else and either lose track of time or *completely forget* that I was cooking anything. But I'm like that with *everything.*
@@brigidtheirish I'm the same way, also AuDHD, and I strongly suspect the boyfriend has either one, the other, or both. My autism makes me avoid cooking for the exact same reason - too many steps, what order are they in, it's overwhelming how many steps there are - and then the ADHD comes in and I can't cook anything that takes more than 30 minutes because I can't stay on task for longer than that
Dawg he wanted to be praised like a literal toddler because he poured boxed mac n' cheese in water as a man in his 30s. He then sulked and whined about it. A freshly 18 year old college kid would be pathetic for that behavior, but at least had plenty of time to grow out of it and become an actual adult. I'd have broken up with him on the spot because frankly I'd be too disgusted to ever fuck a man that pathetic ever again. There's being excited to learn, insecure, etc. and then there's being incompetent and pitiful.
It's also possible that he was never allowed in the kitchen. Some women consider it their space and do not allow anyone else to cook or do anything in there. It's why my mom's oldest friend and her sister have no idea how to cook and she is pretty terrified of trying new foods.
Foster family story: NTA. That boy wont talk to her because shes taught him she wont listen to anything he says. Theres no point.
He never talked to begin with though. She hasn't taught him that she won't listen to him.
He sounds like a rude AH.
Basic courtesy requirements aren't the end of the world. He's just an edgy brat at this point.
People gotta stop letting kids run them you are the parent as long as he's taken care of and treated right like the fosters and adoptees he can't complain its weird people feel like it's acceptable to treat step parents or siblings bad because your mad this is why kids aren't allowed to be in charge or make adult decisions because they are emotionally weak unless he's abused he doesn't have a right to act out and idw to hear his mom died unfortunately people die doesn't mean be a asshole and it's weird parents are supposed to feel guilty about moving on after a divorce or death of a spouse
@@crash92la98 yeah no. These people were forced into his life and then the parents gave 2 shits about his wishes…
10:37 quick legal definition. If the friend had stolen the money it wasn’t robbery as robbery involves violence or the threat of violence
If dating a man in his 30's are rejects, what does that make you?
Misandric
Story 2: girl!! Why are you raising him? This is weaponized incompetence at this point.
And he cleans and thanks her for cooking….for the moment.
Yeah, does the guy play video games? Drive? Answer phone calls at work, attend meetings AND and respond to emails all in one day? I'd expect so, weaponized incompetence 100%
I find it odd that after all this time the money was in the trunk of his car. That feels a little off to me. This is a big if, but what if it was taken. The daughter then put it where she thought her dad would see it. That just feels very random and out of place. I don't 100% think this happened but not even the op could understand how it ended up in the trunk of his car. Also how messy is his car to go unseen for that time.
Story2 - is she dating a 5-year-old boy? Someone call CPS.
Story 1: Parent Ryan and stop letting him run feral.
14:47 - You're NTA. But your sister and her husband are for bringing in more kids and agitating the situation in their already messy family. They moved way too fast, made all these decisions without considering Stepson, and then tried to force him to bond with kids he never wanted in the house. They'll be lucky if he ever speaks to them again once he gets out at 18, and you know he will. Sister and Husband are selfish.
Tell her to get out at 20 and take her baby momma drama to her own spot. In the meantime put a lock on her door so he can't come in is the easy solution.
Story 1: I have ADHD. It took me a lot longer to learn social cues than my sisters, but I did learn. Sounds like OP just doesn't want to parent the child
Story 2 - I think that guy has very low tolerance for ambiguity and executive function deficits. My wife took years to get comfortable with cooking and I still do all the shopping because she gets decision paralysis when presented with too many options. I always had to pick the restaurant as well.
If the whole family knows how the son is with ADHD and barging in, why do they not just put a lock on the door? Like, I accept that with severe ADHD a kid will have these behavioral issues, but it seems like the next logical step would be to plan around those issues.
Daughter, Summer, Friend, Money - ever told daughter "actions bring consequences"? Like 🎉 daughter's reasoning .. 😅
I have adhd and Autism spectrum disorder and my parents shut down every tantrum no if ands or buts they knew that I'd need structure and parenting to make sure I didn't turn into an entitled brat and it worked. Op and her hubby are turning him into an entitled brat if they don't change now then that kid is gonna be an absolute terror
OP YTA. I get Ryan has ADHD, but that doesn't excuse his behavior,get him out of consequences or mean he can't be taught the correct ways to do things. Have you guys ever talked to a doctor to make sure he was diagnosed and see if there were some meds that could even help him? Have you taught him barging in a no no and give him consequences? Your daughter should yell at you but when she brought the problem to your attention, you basically gave Ryan a free pass. Maybe yelling at him wasn't the best move but you were doing nothing to fix the problem.
The 16 year old isn’t Bonding with the adopted kids and other kids because babysitting is Child care. That’s not HIS JOB. Why does dcf suck so badly. 16 year old should go live with other family and leave OPs delusional sister and his dad
Story 1, Ryan can learn to settle down, baby can also learn to sleep through noises as well.
It's a newborn. Learning to sleep through noise is a process, and one that goes easier when the "noise" isn't an eight year old poking her soft spot.
And daughter can learn to use birth control and get a job. She’s a whole adult and should get her own place at this point. That baby is also probably adding regression into the mix for those kids. 8 is still pretty young and an age of figuring things out. Especially when she said he wants to play with the baby.
Story 3: Something seems off here, who misplaces and envelope of money and then finds it in the trunk of their car?
Yeah, OP never mentioned it, but I wonder if the daughters friend is a person of color, and OP omitted that
@@SnowyWolborg His own kid was the thief most likely.
Finding the money in the trunk of the car where it literally had no business being? Sounds like someone didn't have access to the house when they wanted to give back the stolen money
Story 3: I'm gonna guess OP is 🖐🏻 and the friend is 🖐🏿
story 2- while i understand the point of commenters saying its weaponized incompetence and def agree that its a possibility, I also think it may just be that the bf grew up in a super controlled environment where he never got to learn to make decisions by himself, and it translates into him not being able to decide in what order to do things when cooking, not being able to decide which ingredients to buy when there are multiple brands of the same item, etc
Also, what if he’s autistic or something? We tend to want to do things the "correct way" or not do it at all, and if there ISNT one "correct way” (as in, it doesnt matter if you put tomato before or after oregano) it can send us into a bit of a panicked state because now WE have to decide which way is correct to us (refer to my first theory where he struggles with decision making)
So while the theory made by commenters might just be the one, i dont think its fair to jump on the roasting wagon so soon and that OP should have a conversation with him and try to find out the root of this issue
Your boyfriend might have food anxiety. He’s overwhelmed easily by too many choices. I’m thinking he may have adhd as well. Get him to a therapist
A child with A DVD can be trained and disciplined for his own good as he grows. You are doing Ryan no favors by letting him free range and do anything he wants.
I have SEVERE dual-type ADHD. And I wouldn’t do that shit even if I was off my meds. They are setting their son up for failure. They need to teach him coping skills and proper social etiquette before their lack of parenting screws him over hardcore.
Story 1: Sounds to me like OP is using Ryan to force Madison and the baby OP doesn't approve of existing out of the house.
Story 2: I had to go back and make sure that OP had said this was her adult boyfriend and not her eight year old son. Just because a person is smart in other very specific areas doesn't mean they don't have a learning disability. OP's giving the impression of some emotional immaturity from the boyfriend.
The Camp Story: And I bet OP was demanding that his daughter's friend pay back the money that was "lost", too. What a tool. There's nothing to be confused about: OP tried to run a scam, it failed, and when he tried to get his daughter back in his life (probably because his child support payments were about to go up), he discovered that his actions continue to have consequences. She's gonna be completely no contact with him by 18.
Agreed. And I wonder if OP will post in the future “AITA for taking in my daughter her newborn but she makes demands regarding our special needs son and when we refuse, she leaves and won’t let us see our grand baby?”
@@lorilancaster5917 That would require him to not think of the grandchild as a mistake.
33 & scared of cooking? You are being gaslighted. Bye. What % of expenses does he pay? 2) Nanny cams. Did you find the check? You owe this kid lots!
Someone needed praise for eating onions the other day. So reddit keep that same energy.
Yes, they are spread too thin, negligence of that child. Not his job to tend to those kids. Sis needs therapy.
Discipline is extremely important when dealing with children with ADHD so they can grow up to be productive adults
Story 1 ESH - OP Sucks for not disciplining, Kid sucks for being a brat, daughter sucks for bringing a baby into the world with no father and not being able to support it herself.
Madison is a bully, get a lock on the door.
I have adhd,and my sons(two), have it also..my daughter don't. . I can say that my youngest has problems being quiet in the mornings, not to wake up everyone, but you know what? He tries his best,and no one is angry at him here, but he doesn'tterrorize everyonehere! Can'tsay the sameof op and his kid..Sorry op is ta.. they don't even try to stop him from goibg to sis's room and let them be.. This kid is a monster, thanks to op!!
Story 1
The daughter can leave.
S1, Op please contact your doctor about the medication that Ryan is on as he may need to have it changed as it's not working as well as it's should be ,his body is used to the medication and that could affect how the medication is working .Op also look into therapy for coping methods for Ryan to learn and they can give you some ideas on what could work with the excess energy ,your daughter needs to have a lock put on her room door as no one wants an 8 year old barging in anytime day or night and your daughter needs some privacy to do personal body functions such as changing clothes ,drying off after a bath/shower .Op you can't allow Ryan to disrupt your home anymore you need to man up and do something about his unacceptable behaviour now or he'll end up doing something to a stranger later on that lands him in prison.YTA
Babies need to get used to the noises that happen at their house. Be he can so control himself not to go in the room and mess with the baby.
Missing money story: I agree with the comments except the child support bit, no he didn’t have to pay because technically the ex was violating the custody agreement at the behest of the daughter, yes it’s a good thing the mother respected the daughters choices, however that doesn’t mean she can disrespect the custody arrangement from a legal perspective
ADHD here. Not an excuse. Stop letting People get away with stuff!
My son has ADHD and I put him on medication and he had a MD Dr a psychologist but the medication does not work the same for everyone so if you want to e judgemental walk a mile in a parent if a child with ADHD, not a child but a parent.
Story 2: Op can simply not make him food anymore? He already feeds himself without she needing to make him food. He can live fine without either of them cooking for each other.
She is the one complaining and when he gets excited about learning how to cook suddently it's weaponized incompetence?
I also need to be told how to do things specifically when learning from another person. It's not incompetence, just being different.
I also have ADHD and add to it Aspergers and I hate when people use their ADHD or Aspergers (or their children's ADHD/Aspergers) to justify bad actions!!!
Is like the people that use "I'm brutally honest" as a free card to be openly rude to other people with zero consequences!!!
Story one: growing up with or without ADHD would of got a hard smack in the back of the head in most households back in the day. OP blame ADHD for her bad parenting.
Op is not helping Ryan at all.
#2. At 30 he doesn't know how to do eggs? Nope not acceptable.
Op in story 1 is punishing his daughter and he knows it.
#1: OP's TA, & needs to stop making excuses. My son (12) has had severe ADHD since he was 4. Ryan's behavior isn't going to magically change for the better one day, not w/o discipline & consequences for bad behavior. OP's being TA to not only his daughter & granddaughter, but also towards Ryan too. OP's petty & immature.
My 12 year old non verbal autistic son can make boxed Mac-cheese by himself. What’s wrong with people
Weaponized incompetence.
Camp story- Question, who puts an envelope full of cash in the trunk of a car? Could daughter have put it there to stash till later? Just curious.
Story 1, Ryan does NOT sound like he has adhd. I have inattentive type, and my ex is hyperactive type WITH bipolar on top and STILL doesn't act like that. That's NOT adhd. You absolutely need to take him in for a proper dx and get some treatment to help him regulate his life and behaviours.
Don't get me wrong, it could be adhd PLUS other conditions, but that behaviour us absolutely NOT an adhd thing.
Edit, I just re-listened, Ryan is only 8? Fam cmon now, if he does have adhd, this is a lack of parenting issue, not an adhd issue. All 8 year olds behave like you described basically but are in the midst of learning social rules, AND has had his house invaded by his adult sister and a baby! There are some really good creators like Mr Chazz that can help you teach your son these social skills but this still isn't just "Ryan has adhd" this is " Ryan has adhd and we arent willing to teach him boundaries"
Story about the bf who can't cook: So. The OP wanted her bf to learn to cook. He was content to eat ramen and ready-to-eat meals. I'd just learn to make plain white rice and make it fot OP every time she came over while I nuked myself a Stouffer's meal.
Story 2: OP needs to read part of what she wrote and see that she is being played. So he can make ramen and heat frozen meals one is cooked on the stove the other is microwaved but he can't put cold meat and/or cheese on bread?
Story 1, OP is only making excuses. ADHD isn’t the same as autism or others disabilities that make them not understand their behaviour. Son can 100% control his behaviour but doesn’t because he knows mommy and daddy allow him to do what he wants because of his adhd
I bet the kid totally was an issue even before baby
So the boy with adhd that can’t settle down. Perhaps you should talk to his teacher about how she has him settle down
ADHD is a very TREATABLE mental health disorder. You need to recognize that and get your son the help he needs to get the most out of life (therapy, tutoring, depends on the person). An 8yo barging into rooms shouting should not be acceptable behavior. Give your daughter a break (she is trying- and she is clearly more upset about the impact things are having on the baby more than anything else). Show her that you are capable of being an involved and effective parent. Give her an example to respect. And please PLEASE get your son into treatment ASAP. It might involve medication, or not, it will involve your son having to learn a lot of self-discipline and how to productively channel his energy. It’s also going to be a bit of a nightmare because you’ve let his behavior slide for so long that he will definitely fight discipline now. Stick with it. He deserves to have a good chance at life and you can give that to him, but it won’t be easy.
My baby brother (now a 6’2” 38yo) was diagnosed with ADD. He had a rough time with it growing up, and with school- my parents did their best to help him with what was available- there is much more available now and the condition is much better understood, you are in luck there. Took him a while, but my brother has finally found an even keel in his life and is doing well. If my parents had just blamed his tantrums on something untouchable he probably wouldn’t have made it to 20.
Story 1 - OP sounds like a terrible parent. One unruly brat and one pregnant teenage daughter. ADHD is not an excuse for a child to terrorize other people. My husband has ADHD and he is so tired of people using that an excuse to not discipline their children. How hard is it for your son to NOT GO INTO A BEDROOM that is not his? Does he have other mental challenges? I will say OP is right that the daughter is lucky to have a home to stay in for free. However, I could tell immediately that OP is a neglectful parent. He is failing both of his kids.
Waking up the baby by doing other things is an ADHD thing, going to the baby to wake it up is not ADHD, I have ADHD and I have it in my own room / without going into other people's spaces
Your sister is abusive to her stepson. Her and the boys father have completely ignored him and shoved their decisions on to him. They adopted and fostered a bunch of children. Why is it his responsibility to watch them
Wait, so this guy didn’t even know how to stack a sandwich? Something the average elementary school kid could figure out? This guy has mastered the art of weaponized incompetence.
Oh he knows, this weaponised incompetence. She fall hard for it.
And he acts grateful to OP so he knows how to perform weaponized incompetence without the AH vibe. If OP keeps up with playing along with his game, he may drop the niceties and then suddenly can’t do the chores he currently does properly
@paulina de boer - He was cooking on his own and it wasn't to Miss Thang's liking... she created this issue through not being grateful.
She wasn't happy with this aspect of him and decided to make him her project, that it's backfired on her... Well! Kudos to him.
Both my sons have ADHD as do i and we have NEVER done or acted like that.