Let me fix this title. Aita for knocking up a women and isolating her from her friend, grooming her into the lifestyle I want. Now that she has reconnected with past friends who share a common interest from which she got a degree in I feel threatened. Now I’m manipulating her into thinking she has to give up her interest and become my stay at home wife catering to me. Can’t have the wife thinking for herself now. Op is a major AH
He wants to cut her wings off. This is a control issue. There is literally nothing else to this. He is causing a divorce by basically saying his insecurities are more important than her depression.
"I feel like she would leave me if she had any other options, so I don't want her to have any other options." And that, right there, summarizes the entire reason he's TA. I wonder how he is with the kids, since it seems like everything has to cater to how he wants the world.
They agreed she would be a SAHM because it would he harder for her to earn well with her literature degree? Bro! There's more to work than just income - it can also be about fulfilment, it's about creating something, about being part of a discourse. OP needs to pull his tech head out of his ass. And their arrangement has worked for them? Nah, it worked for HIM! She may have enjoyed being a SAHM, but she's clearly wanted more at some point in the relationship. If he doesn't believe their relationship can survive his wife embracing her passions, her not being isolated and solely dependent upon him what he has isn't a relationship - it's a hostage situation. His actions are going to doom his relationship if he doesn't change.
YTA. My dad was an introvert and my mom is an extrovert. They had a very conservative lifestyle but had interests, friends, and hobbies away from each other and they were married 60+ years. If OP continues to try to exert so much control over his wife, he will make happen the very thing he is trying to avoid.
A long time ago, when our children were small, I saw an add for cake decorating classes. I showed it to my husband and I told him when we could afford for me to stay home with the children, that I wanted to take these classes. My husband looked at me and said, "no". I said "okay." Then he said, "you can take those classes now and I will watch the kids." Did I mention that my husband and I are best friends! He's definitely a keeper! OP could take some lessons from my husband.
It is nearly always a red flag to tell an SO who they can and can't be friends with, unless there is a safety concern. Because otherwise, it is a control issue and it is a trust issue. You can "I'd prefer you not hang out with them because it makes me feel XYZ," but you cannot say "I don't want you seeing them/You can't see them" it becomes a big problem. If you don't trust your spouse, you should not be with them, at least not without some therapy. And if you want to control them, you need therapy.
So his wife starts to develop an interest outside the home and finds she can have another identity other than 'mum' and op is like 'absolutely not, someone called the church'
The wife is just going back to her normal self, and this is the outgoing smart person OP fell in love with originally. Why not work on himself if he thinks he is not good enough?
2:11 Yes, and? I’m also fairly conservative and traditional-I’m Catholic, for crying out loud-but I see nothing wrong with a woman wanting to get the bag and not want kids, as long as she isn’t rude about it.
In five to seven years, they will be empty nesters wherein his wife will start losing her biggest purpose and identity of being a mother. She should have built more friendships earlier but given the facts, this situation proves timely. Also, if OP suddenly p@sses aw@y, what happens to his wife? This just proves having genuine friendships is important to not lose yourself and not make one thing your one identity. Wife seems like an angel all these years so I don't see why he is paranoid of losing her. Let her have a life as herself with her own dreams!
OP sounds like he has a guilty conscience. He knocked her up, separated her from friends, diminished her hobbies, and made his lifestyle the only option for her. She went along with all of it and I don't think he fully understands why. He doesn't believe it was because of love or trust. I think, deep down he honestly believes she stayed because he tricked her and now fears outside contact will undo the ruse. He truly is a small man, a child actually. A child who fears he'll lose a toy he stole. For the first time since he's known her, she will be making a choice that didn't involve his manipulation (intentional or not), and he's terrified to learn what she truly feels and thinks. It's taken 14 years for him to realize love can't be controlled. Whatever decisions she makes, I hope this feeling never leaves him, no matter how long he lives.
My question ❓ is what is he doing when he ain't with her? Because from my experience with men thinking I'm out cheating if I wasn't with him he is cheating.
OP is entitled to his feelings, and expressing them is not wrong. I think his wife did a good job of reassuring him. I agree with Candy Thunder, he needs to get out of his head. Have faith in the relationship and support your partner.
INSECURITY - I'm just going to say it's not going to be Anna that drives you away. It's your control and insecurity that's going to drive your wife away
I love how it doesn't occur to him to, uh, I don't know...try to find some common ground with her in terms of her interests? He wants to minimize her to build himself up when he could use this as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship.
I honestly think everyone really minimized how horrific this is. This is not just insecuties at play this is by definition coersive control and abusive. Whether intentional or not, this man is abusing his wife.
this whole thing is giving me missing missing reasons vibes. he isolated his wife, probably persuaded her not to even bother looking for employment just to keep her home and tied to him so that his insecurity is fed. she had to do the activities he liked and he never even showed any interest in hers. now that she's reconnected with a friend who can help her have her own life outside of the home he feels threatened and is making up nonsense about other men in his head. i hope she keeps that friendship, gets a job that allows her fulfillment and a life outside of the house and OPs control.
Op is afraid his wife will change….? 👀 who’s gonna tell him lol 1st of all - yes ppl change! Multiple times But also this is who is wife IS! It’s as if he doesn’t know her at all! She gave up / stifled this part of herself for years. It’s coming to the forefront yet she’s still choosing OP. Well, for now. She’ll grow resentful and eventually leave.
OP was content while his wife's passions benefited him, but now that she's needing to stretch her stay-at-home-mom wings a little bit, he is allowing his own insecurities and inferiority complex to overwhelm his common sense. She married *him*, she wanted children with *him*, she willingly shelved her passion for literature to be with *him*, raise a family with *him*, be a stay at home mom with *his* children, manage *his* home and family unit while he went to work and she stayed home. Now that her children are teens and are developing social circles and social lives of their own, she does have free time she did not have before and which she did not regret. To dust off her passion for literature is the least dangerous thing she could do; connecting with former college friends who understand her passion for literature is healthy and fulfilling. OP is creating issues where there aren't any but the very idea he said twice that he can't 'forbid' her to do something means he's already thought about forbidding her to associate with anyone but him. That he feels threatened is nothing more than his over-active imagination. His uncomfortableness with her reconnecting with people she already knew, trusted, shared common interests with is the least threatening thing that could happen: she's not meeting strangers to hang out with, she's not going to clubs with single gal pals, she's not going to casinos - for goodness sake, if he's threatened by books, what the heck would he do if she suddenly found a passion for kickboxing, white water rafting or rock climbing? OP is controlling, manipulative (her friends make him uncomfortable; they hosted Anna and friends for dinner because wife was so excited that I meet them but my head was so far up my arse predisposed NOT to like any of them, that I didn't have a good time; I'm suspicious Anna will entice my wife away from me, blah, blah, blah). OP is immature, selfish, inflexible and manipulative. If he doesn't lighten up and realize he's smothering her now that the kids are almost adults, he's going to force her right out the door.
Why was the wife just sitting home alone once the kids got older? My husband and I don't have kids. We've been married for almost 2 years. When I moved here and married him, I was only working part time and also had some breaks where I wasn't working for a week or two at a time. I used to GO when I had weekdays off. I'd go buy a day pass and go swimming. I'd ride my bike to the store and get groceries. I would ride to the lake or a park and jump rope. I ALWAYS left the house. The wife should get a part time job on her own, not through Anna. She needs to make sure she has more than just one female friend to keep her busy. Or she needs to find things to do during the day to get out of the house. A lot of places I've worked at have one or two moms of school aged kids who come in in the middle of the day so that full time employees can take their lunch breaks. Daycares and supermarkets are ideas of where to start. Also, if wife is into literature, maybe she can work at the library or as an aide in the local public school. It sounds like she didn't have any life when the kids were younger, either. She should have been taking the children to events to eventually meet people.
Had and ex that wouldn't even let me talk to male family like my brother and my uncles if my dad was in my life that was even and issue safe to say I tossed him out Hella fast
OP whining about having to endure 1 night of conversation focused on his wife and her friends shared interest and how "tiresome" it was that the conversation didn't include things they're interested in just makes it so ironic and shitty that he thinks a good solution for his wife's loneliness is just for him to spend more time with her at home.
OP is ABSOULTELY 100% beyond ANY and ALL doubt the AH. He's BEYOND ascon !. My husband doesn't like one of my friends but he has never once asked me to not be her friend. All he asks is that he doesn't have to socialize with her that often. Fair. Wife needs to GTF out of this marriage STAT
He didn’t have to clarify he didn’t know anything about literature, it was obvious lmao. But also this is like the Fox News effect on full display. It seeps this fear of the other into people so deeply this dude just thinks all these nonsense things for no reason.
Let me fix this title. Aita for knocking up a women and isolating her from her friend, grooming her into the lifestyle I want. Now that she has reconnected with past friends who share a common interest from which she got a degree in I feel threatened. Now I’m manipulating her into thinking she has to give up her interest and become my stay at home wife catering to me. Can’t have the wife thinking for herself now. Op is a major AH
He wants to cut her wings off. This is a control issue. There is literally nothing else to this. He is causing a divorce by basically saying his insecurities are more important than her depression.
OP thinks wife recognizing herself as an individual and being fulfilled threatens him. That's horrifying. And willing for family to have less money.
OP sounds insufferable 😣
He's unhappy that she's happy? Literature is a healthy outlet as well as friendships with the right people! OP is TAH!!!! His wife needs outlets!!!
His wife needs to google coercive control and get the f out of that marriage !
I’m just hearing Gaston. We can’t have her reading and thinking when she’s supposed to be home with the babies. Not even babies, teenagers.
@@Wander85942 Ugh!!! Right??
@@Spearsy1995 Damn right she does!
"I feel like she would leave me if she had any other options, so I don't want her to have any other options." And that, right there, summarizes the entire reason he's TA. I wonder how he is with the kids, since it seems like everything has to cater to how he wants the world.
"I'm a misogynist and my wife is trying to have her own interests and opinions. AITAH for trying to keep her in her place?"
They agreed she would be a SAHM because it would he harder for her to earn well with her literature degree? Bro! There's more to work than just income - it can also be about fulfilment, it's about creating something, about being part of a discourse. OP needs to pull his tech head out of his ass.
And their arrangement has worked for them? Nah, it worked for HIM! She may have enjoyed being a SAHM, but she's clearly wanted more at some point in the relationship.
If he doesn't believe their relationship can survive his wife embracing her passions, her not being isolated and solely dependent upon him what he has isn't a relationship - it's a hostage situation. His actions are going to doom his relationship if he doesn't change.
YTA. My dad was an introvert and my mom is an extrovert. They had a very conservative lifestyle but had interests, friends, and hobbies away from each other and they were married 60+ years. If OP continues to try to exert so much control over his wife, he will make happen the very thing he is trying to avoid.
I CACKLED at “did we just meet the smallest man that ever lived?”
A long time ago, when our children were small, I saw an add for cake decorating classes. I showed it to my husband and I told him when we could afford for me to stay home with the children, that I wanted to take these classes. My husband looked at me and said, "no". I said "okay." Then he said, "you can take those classes now and I will watch the kids." Did I mention that my husband and I are best friends! He's definitely a keeper!
OP could take some lessons from my husband.
❤
Love this for you!!
I got really mad at first, and then I kept reading. Keep that man safe.
OP's insecurities are not his wife's fault or problem. OP needs to realize that his wife is her own person and OP needs some serious therapy.
Can't forbid her? What are we in the 1800s? OP needs some serious therapy for his insecurities.
It is nearly always a red flag to tell an SO who they can and can't be friends with, unless there is a safety concern. Because otherwise, it is a control issue and it is a trust issue. You can "I'd prefer you not hang out with them because it makes me feel XYZ," but you cannot say "I don't want you seeing them/You can't see them" it becomes a big problem. If you don't trust your spouse, you should not be with them, at least not without some therapy. And if you want to control them, you need therapy.
So his wife starts to develop an interest outside the home and finds she can have another identity other than 'mum' and op is like 'absolutely not, someone called the church'
The title should be changed to "Am I the asshole because I'm not allowing my wife to have friends because I'm insecure"
Her happiness threatens his happiness…. How sad!
The wife is just going back to her normal self, and this is the outgoing smart person OP fell in love with originally. Why not work on himself if he thinks he is not good enough?
2:11 Yes, and? I’m also fairly conservative and traditional-I’m Catholic, for crying out loud-but I see nothing wrong with a woman wanting to get the bag and not want kids, as long as she isn’t rude about it.
In five to seven years, they will be empty nesters wherein his wife will start losing her biggest purpose and identity of being a mother. She should have built more friendships earlier but given the facts, this situation proves timely.
Also, if OP suddenly p@sses aw@y, what happens to his wife? This just proves having genuine friendships is important to not lose yourself and not make one thing your one identity.
Wife seems like an angel all these years so I don't see why he is paranoid of losing her. Let her have a life as herself with her own dreams!
Well said both of you!
OP sounds like he has a guilty conscience. He knocked her up, separated her from friends, diminished her hobbies, and made his lifestyle the only option for her. She went along with all of it and I don't think he fully understands why. He doesn't believe it was because of love or trust.
I think, deep down he honestly believes she stayed because he tricked her and now fears outside contact will undo the ruse. He truly is a small man, a child actually. A child who fears he'll lose a toy he stole.
For the first time since he's known her, she will be making a choice that didn't involve his manipulation (intentional or not), and he's terrified to learn what she truly feels and thinks. It's taken 14 years for him to realize love can't be controlled. Whatever decisions she makes, I hope this feeling never leaves him, no matter how long he lives.
My question ❓ is what is he doing when he ain't with her? Because from my experience with men thinking I'm out cheating if I wasn't with him he is cheating.
Geez! Dude wants to live out the plot of "Don't Worry Darling". She will leave if you keep this up because you are stifling her personal growth.
This guy is a walking red flag
OP is entitled to his feelings, and expressing them is not wrong. I think his wife did a good job of reassuring him. I agree with Candy Thunder, he needs to get out of his head. Have faith in the relationship and support your partner.
Thing is, he clearly doesn't support his partner and his world view has taught him that his wife SHOULD be at home, taking care of the kids.
OPA needs to understand that if he doesn’t chill out and let her live her life he WILL lose her.
INSECURITY - I'm just going to say it's not going to be Anna that drives you away. It's your control and insecurity that's going to drive your wife away
Why be jealous over other people hitting on your partner? Why not be like "Yeah, my partner's great, and they chose me!"
I love how it doesn't occur to him to, uh, I don't know...try to find some common ground with her in terms of her interests? He wants to minimize her to build himself up when he could use this as an opportunity to strengthen their relationship.
I honestly think everyone really minimized how horrific this is.
This is not just insecuties at play this is by definition coersive control and abusive. Whether intentional or not, this man is abusing his wife.
this whole thing is giving me missing missing reasons vibes. he isolated his wife, probably persuaded her not to even bother looking for employment just to keep her home and tied to him so that his insecurity is fed. she had to do the activities he liked and he never even showed any interest in hers. now that she's reconnected with a friend who can help her have her own life outside of the home he feels threatened and is making up nonsense about other men in his head. i hope she keeps that friendship, gets a job that allows her fulfillment and a life outside of the house and OPs control.
OP's account is suspended. I have a feeling he isn't the type to get therapy and I hope his wife sees the red flags and can have Anna help her leave
Darn these liberals trying to teach my wife their progressive ways and that there's more to life than just being a house wife.
My goodness - is OP Julia Roberts husband from Sleeping with the Enemy ??
Op is afraid his wife will change….? 👀 who’s gonna tell him lol
1st of all - yes ppl change! Multiple times
But also this is who is wife IS! It’s as if he doesn’t know her at all! She gave up / stifled this part of herself for years. It’s coming to the forefront yet she’s still choosing OP. Well, for now. She’ll grow resentful and eventually leave.
I hope OP realized he was in the wrong. He deleted his account
Doubt it. These people like to live in their own bubbles and don't like to be told they're wrong. I hope the wife finds herself.
I’m very read the title and hear Dusty read the intro and I was like yup you’re the ah also a walking crimson flag
OP was content while his wife's passions benefited him, but now that she's needing to stretch her stay-at-home-mom wings a little bit, he is allowing his own insecurities and inferiority complex to overwhelm his common sense. She married *him*, she wanted children with *him*, she willingly shelved her passion for literature to be with *him*, raise a family with *him*, be a stay at home mom with *his* children, manage *his* home and family unit while he went to work and she stayed home. Now that her children are teens and are developing social circles and social lives of their own, she does have free time she did not have before and which she did not regret. To dust off her passion for literature is the least dangerous thing she could do; connecting with former college friends who understand her passion for literature is healthy and fulfilling. OP is creating issues where there aren't any but the very idea he said twice that he can't 'forbid' her to do something means he's already thought about forbidding her to associate with anyone but him. That he feels threatened is nothing more than his over-active imagination. His uncomfortableness with her reconnecting with people she already knew, trusted, shared common interests with is the least threatening thing that could happen: she's not meeting strangers to hang out with, she's not going to clubs with single gal pals, she's not going to casinos - for goodness sake, if he's threatened by books, what the heck would he do if she suddenly found a passion for kickboxing, white water rafting or rock climbing? OP is controlling, manipulative (her friends make him uncomfortable; they hosted Anna and friends for dinner because wife was so excited that I meet them but my head was so far up my arse predisposed NOT to like any of them, that I didn't have a good time; I'm suspicious Anna will entice my wife away from me, blah, blah, blah). OP is immature, selfish, inflexible and manipulative. If he doesn't lighten up and realize he's smothering her now that the kids are almost adults, he's going to force her right out the door.
Op is mad because it's not all about him anymore. For anyone to think that once the kids get a certain age, the SAHP wouldn't want more out of life?
effin terrifying
She needs to divorce him fast! This relationship is over already.
Why was the wife just sitting home alone once the kids got older? My husband and I don't have kids. We've been married for almost 2 years. When I moved here and married him, I was only working part time and also had some breaks where I wasn't working for a week or two at a time. I used to GO when I had weekdays off. I'd go buy a day pass and go swimming. I'd ride my bike to the store and get groceries. I would ride to the lake or a park and jump rope. I ALWAYS left the house.
The wife should get a part time job on her own, not through Anna. She needs to make sure she has more than just one female friend to keep her busy. Or she needs to find things to do during the day to get out of the house. A lot of places I've worked at have one or two moms of school aged kids who come in in the middle of the day so that full time employees can take their lunch breaks. Daycares and supermarkets are ideas of where to start. Also, if wife is into literature, maybe she can work at the library or as an aide in the local public school. It sounds like she didn't have any life when the kids were younger, either. She should have been taking the children to events to eventually meet people.
Had and ex that wouldn't even let me talk to male family like my brother and my uncles if my dad was in my life that was even and issue safe to say I tossed him out Hella fast
If he truly loved her he'd be glad she found something and people to fulfill her. He's ascon+++++. He has some major issues
He's an old fashioned chauvinist and needs to grow up.
OP whining about having to endure 1 night of conversation focused on his wife and her friends shared interest and how "tiresome" it was that the conversation didn't include things they're interested in just makes it so ironic and shitty that he thinks a good solution for his wife's loneliness is just for him to spend more time with her at home.
💙
OP is ABSOULTELY 100% beyond ANY and ALL doubt the AH. He's BEYOND ascon !. My husband doesn't like one of my friends but he has never once asked me to not be her friend. All he asks is that he doesn't have to socialize with her that often. Fair. Wife needs to GTF out of this marriage STAT
Sounds like this post was written by a teenager who never had a relationship before... How can you be almost 50 and still have this kind of mentality?
You need therapy!
What an ass, Candy is right --OP does not deserve his wife. I hope she does leave him, for her own sake.
He didn’t have to clarify he didn’t know anything about literature, it was obvious lmao.
But also this is like the Fox News effect on full display. It seeps this fear of the other into people so deeply this dude just thinks all these nonsense things for no reason.
Wife’s friend trying to get her to cheat
🤔 I’m curious to know what you’re basing that statement on.
@@mareinachico8777 the friend taking the wife everywhere and purposefully making the husband uncomfortable because she thinks it’s funny
Found the insecure husband 😂
Hell of a leap there.
@@meganlucas1718 it’s more likely