i thought i was ok: healing my strained relationship with my mom *emotional*
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- Опубликовано: 1 янв 2022
- hey girls, happy new year 🤍. this has been weighing heavy on my chest for some time now and i felt it was time to open up and share my ever-lasting healing journey and the relationship with my mom. it's not easy, but i know that by me speaking up someone else can be inspired to begin their journey. i wish there were more women that talk about their relationship with their mothers, so let me be one of them. thank y'all for holding space with me.
i hope your 2022 is starting off amazing! take care all ways, always. xo ❣️
*this video is NOT sponsored, all opinions are my own.
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Camera: Sony ZV-1
Editing Software: Final Cut Pro X
#healing #selflove 
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The thing about being a child who had an absent parent or an unreliable parent is that you always feel like you missed something--even when there is a surrogate in that position they are not the absent parent we're long for; but over time that really does begin to fade. Truly, it does. Before I even experienced reconnecting with my absent parent, I started to just not feel that longing anymore--it's not so much of an "accepting" that the parent is absent but more of an understanding that they made a choice, they made a serious of choices and that's their's to reconcile with. As the children, it's not our responsibility to build those relationships with our absent parent. I started off mirroring the emotional behaviors of my absent parent when we started building our relationship but that stops too... but it's not your's to reconcile, it is not your's to repair. The pain you have felt and feel was caused by the actions of an adult, when you were a child and that has impacted you and it always will... that's something I've come to understand. As much as we are healing, we will always be unlearning what we taught ourselves during those times when the parent was absent. It has been 17 years since I've physically seen my absent parent, so I get it--it's scary! but hey all you can do , as the child, is try. I don't expect nor do I truly desire for my absent parent to be my best bud lol like that's just not going to be our relationship. They help me when they can, they provide "parenting" when requested but that's all lol and I'm good with that.
this is amazing transparency. I'm 43 and I appreciate you sharing this. I feel the same way about my father. He broke my heart constantly and consistently. Every relationship thereafter I looked for him in them. And got hurt every. single. time. this resonated so much. You are a beautiful, intelligent, very well spoken, brave woman. I'm proud of you.
This was so transparent and I pray that your relationship has gotten better in present day. If not with your mother (yet), then definitely with and within yourself. I, too, have some mother wounds and my mom was absent during some of the most important moments of my life. I've learned to move on but it has never been addressed between the both of us in order to heal.
You are so incredibly brave! I know what it’s like having strained relationships with parents. More conversations like this is how we all heal and move forward together. Sending you love❤️
You got this. Maybe not today, or tomorrow or even 6 months from now. But you’ll get to that feeling of freedom in your own time. *hugs*
thank you so much my love, these words were so warming to hear. so looking forward to beginning this journey ❣️
Think this is so brave and courageous. I think the fact that you are opening up is you processing it. It really wasn’t your fault but it’s amazing how much guilt, fear and all the other emotions that we do end up have to deal with. Not least how it affects our adult relationships if we don’t work through it. Bless your soul. Don’t give up on believing in yourself. Glad you’re in therapy too.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I admire your courage and vulnerability. I left home at 17 due to an unhealthy relationship with my mom and we haven't reconnected since. So I hear you. It feels like the most important relationship in your life has been missing. It's scary to face it when you are doing so well in other aspects of life and have that worry if starting this journey is going to interfere with your success. I like when you said you have to boss up with your mental health and heart space and not just with money and success. Deep down we both know what we have to do. Just have to pray and lead with faith that taking that step is going to be worth it in the end.
aw, Jayla, thank you so much for sharing your story. the journey is not easy, but i can assure you that you'll feel 10x lighter if not more once you at least make the first step in accepting what has been done and speaking up for yourself. it's not enough to go through life having an amazing career and financial status all the while subconsciously you're hurting or yearning for something inside. sending you hugs and praying for your journey to healing! cheers to us! ❣️
Mother Hunger is a book I started last year. It is powerful in that it gave me a word for what I felt I was experiencing. Granted, I had a mom in my life physically forever. She just wasn't able to mother me because of her mental health. I realized my relationship with my mother affected my attachment styles and shows up so much in my life. Looking back, the relationship really defined a lot of things in my life I never realized. I hope you find peace.
I needed to hear your perspective on this subject, I was like your Mom..making promises and didn't keep them to my sons. Just know that I was thinking my children were better off not in my life. I was so unstable financially, emotionally and spiritually. It broke me into pieces every time I had to send them back to their father...it was so hard to keep pulling myself back together after each visit. Now years later we're both healing from that trauma. Were back on the road to healing our relationship with each other, while they say they're not angry with me, I know they are. I have to allow them to express themselves and let it out. I forgive them for however they feel. I just want my sons in my life. Its alot to deal with. I pray for you health and strength!! Sending you light, love and healing ❤️❤️🩹❤️
This is so relatable and helped to put words to some emotions I experienced in my relationship with my dad. Your vulnerability is inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
I can totally relate… you articulated exactly how I’ve yearned for my mom to give more… but eventually I just shut my heart, and live like she doesn’t exist. You can only mend that relationship if both parties are interested.
When you said most of my life I’ve wasted time mourning the absence of that relationship… that hit home with my dad
I’m watching this 1 year after you posted it and it is absolutely giving me life! Thank you 🙏🏾. I have my own trauma with my mother and it is very difficult. My mother was there but extremely narcissistic as well as having a drug addiction. I have one sibling who my mother has always triangulated us against each other. My sibling and I are in our 50’s and our mother still practices triangulation, it’s so sad and very very difficult. Although our experiences with our mother have been different the pain of it all is so REAL. Keep healing. Keep sharing. Keep doing the work necessary for your mental health. I know you will heal ❤
Love your accountability and vulnerability we all have some type of trauma from our parents and it’s amazing that you are taking control of the situation by going to therapy that’s a huge first step. Sending a virtual hug 🤗
You’re definitely going to heal! Thank you for sharing this and being vulnerable. Keeping you and your mom both in prayer. Love youuuuu! 💕
thank you so much, J! Love and appreciate you for all your support 💕
F*ck! You got me over here crying on a Friday night lol🤣😭 seriously though, I may not know entirely what you’re going through family wise, but I relate to a lot of this on such an emotional level when it comes to my own personal trauma regarding my family and my ex tbh. Your vulnerability and relatability is so appreciated and admired. Never stop being you🤍
I don’t understand why parents don’t see their faults until after the damage is done. They constantly point the finger at you like you’re always the problem and they never take responsibility for their actions. As if they are perfect. I pray you heal from everything that people have put you through and may the same thing happen for me and everyone else in the comments💜
Thank you so much for your vulnerability. I’m praying for your healing and peace! You got this babe! ❤️❤️
Thank you so much Ni!! I love you ❣️
This is 2023. I just found this. Thank you for sharing ❤
Love you, be good to yourself ! Mentally, spiritually & Emotionally. 2022 is going to be great for you❤️
love you too! thank you so much! being gentle with myself throughout this journey is a priority of mine ❣️ happy new year to you, sending you all the warm vibes ✨
@@AmaniRakeia i love to hear that & happy New Years to you also ❤️❤️
@@shyyy. ❣️❣️❣️
I’m so glad I found your video. It was affirming for me that I’m not alone with my strained relationships with both parents. I see their outreach but I move to respond on my own time. This is a difficult process but I know it’s so needed for my growth as an adult. I’m 23 and want to get this stuff together before I have kids one day in the future.
It takes courage👌🏾please do more videos like this! It’s amazing that someone can understand me too like wow!
Kudos to you for opening up and sharing. Only you know what you willing to open up to
🥹😭💙 I see you & I feel you, I’m sending you love & healing 🌬❤️🩹
Love your hair!
It's a big blessing that your mom decided to open this door of healing and acknowledged her missteps ❤️❤️❤️❤️ To healing
Thank you for this girl 🫶🏾
First of all I’m mad I JUST discovered your YTC. I was in tears watching this b/c I can totally relate to the way you were feeling. You are so brave and I admire your courage and strength. I look forward to watching many more of your videos. We’re all healing and don’t you give up. You’re a walking testimony.
Wow. This was incredibly self aware of you. I happened upon your channel and for you to be so young you are being so honest with yourself about where you were, where you are at & where you are going. I can’t put into words how much this did for me to see you do this. With this type of insight your life is going to be filled with so many spectacular rewarding moments. Much love & success to you. ♥️✨✨
I applaud you for opening up on this platform about this matter! I resonate with this so much .. especially the aspect of becoming numb , the mourning and the grief of the entire situation. I feel as though I have made peace with my situation although there is no relationship and still will be going to therapy . Sending love and hugs 🫶🏾 You got this !
You’re amazing💕 only thing I can say is that God saw it all and wants to heal your wounds. Take all your sorrows, disappointment and pain to God, even shout it to Him, and ask Him to heal your heart. Cause He can fill your heart in full again, for you to give to others in time as well🙏🏽 Soo proud of you for sharing and growing♥️ Bless sis
Thank you so much for your kind words!
May God bless you immensely through your self-awareness and vulnerability. Thank you for inviting me into this space. I look forward to what comes on the other side of this moment of reflection.
Praying for your healing and continued journey Sis. There is no need to feel guilty as you are the one who is heartbroken and can only let those people back in when you are truly healed and ready to forgive. I have had to let go of family members myself to protect my mental health. Appreciate your honesty and openess to share and that will also help with your recovery. You've got this. Bless you🙏🙏
*deep exhale* even though you made this a year ago I needed it TODAY. Talk about strained maternal relationships! Hard ain't even the word and I have recently uncovered that I am unpacking, unloading, excavating, YEARS of trauma and its not fair... I don't really like or maybe even agree with the phrase people say that goes "You chose your parents" but I can see why its a thing. I think I understand it because what I have realized is there is definitely work that I am suppose to uncover here because I am the one who was given the gift to see and acknowledge it. Therefore because I have called my attention toward all of this trauma I can't even pretend that I don't see and that its not affecting me unless I want to dig a deeper hole for myself and my future children. I can't come anywhere near motherhood with all of this on me. Thank you for sharing... and then friendships and sisterhood... sweetie I'll be on this keyboard all day - I'll spare you.
When we heal ourselves, just start the journey, we are healing all before us and all after us; it's not an easy thing to do but it is necessary work. I have a somewhat estranged parent (if I need them, I can call--but I have not seen them in over ten years and went a decade without speaking to them (not my choice)) and it's an experience that comes with it's disadvantageous but also comes with its advantageous---I'm just realizing this as I'm approaching 25. We do miss the parent that never was and focus on what wasn't done correctly, but I'm coming to understand that those experiences taught me about people in a way that nothing else can. Our parents are people, they're just people and they had children. And if you're the first child..well, they have no idea what they're doing. And as upset as I could be at the parent who wasn't as present, I now see that I needed to be with the parent that was and is. And we're working on building a relationship because really.. there is no rebuilding when you've been absent for over a decade physically and emotionally--7 year old me and 24 year old me.. well, we're the same person and not so you can't rebuild the relationship you had with the 7 year old when they're 24. You must begin a relationship with the 24 year old. And something we really don't discuss enough is how some people just aren't prepared to be a parent. You can never be 100% ready to parent, but you must be willing to be selfless in that way and the timing of needing to take the kind of responsibility didn't align with one of my parents---so there we have it, you begin to stuff down your disappoint and move forward. You are doing a most noble and sacred thing by sharing this with us, thank. you for trusting us with this. By sharing, you've healed many you'll never hear from and by tons that you will. You've given us all, who have experienced this, new perspective and that's a blessing. You're wonderful, you're healing and you're expanding your capacity to love----that's extraordinary. You're modeling to all of us watching, on how to expand our capacity to love, forgive and transform. Many blessings to you!!!!
This hit home for me so much. Even though my father was in the home, he was neglectful and emotionally abusive. So much of what you said about it affecting pretty much ALL relationships, how you have to mourn what you never had but also the yearning for something that will never be is just so true. Inner healing from our CPTSD is so important especially when it comes to how we interact in the world. I think it hit hardest when I had my first child and everything just hit me like a ton of bricks. I had PPD for like 2 years, my marriage was suffering and I basically forced myself to get help. I wish I would have done the work before marriage.
I love that you are doing the work and steadily healing from your experience. That little girl that wanted her mommy so bad deserves it. Nurture her, listen to her, validate her. Wishing you continued growth, love and happiness. ❤
This has been very hard to watch, I am 72 years old, my mother abandoned me when I was 17, I never lived with her again after that, nor did I have any positive or caring relationship with her. She did everything within her power to let me know that I did not matter. To say that it messed up certain parts of my life would be putting it mildly, I endured so much abuse looking for love that I know when I look back that there has to be a God. My mom has passed on and she was able to ask for forgiveness, it gave me some peace, but it still hurts even at this age. I have a beautiful daughter, and my mother's treatment has turned into the greatest gift, because my child was and still is front and center in my life, she knows every day of her life that she is loved and supported to the max,. I could not imagine life without this amazing human being. So if that is the takeaway, I am truly grateful. You are a beautiful young lady, and you will survive and thrive beyond anything you could have imagined. I will keep you in my prayers.
so proud of you finding your voice, you are stronger than you think. Life is a journey...stay focused and tapped into your truth!
thanks aunty Roz! i appreciate you! ❣️❣️
Thanks for sharing. Not a lot of people talk about this topic. People understand when there is distance between a father and his child but not when is a mother. Thanks for sharing your story, know that you are not alone. Healing and setting boundaries is important. At the end of the day, there should be know judgement false expectations, or comparison, no matter on which direction the relationship should go.
By the way, I love the look. You look like you could be related to SZA (but with the clean girl/minimalist esthetics)!
Your healing journey is going to be amazing and I hope that one day you and your mom can have that best friend type of relationship and I really appreciate you sharing this because I thought I was the only one going through the same situation with my mom and to see that your situation isn’t that different helps me gather and understanding of starting my healing journey with my mom so thank you 💕🙏🏽
Desi 🥺, thank you so much! I'm truly hoping that my mom and i can rekindle and reconnect to the point where we're like bffs-i know that it'll only take time and i'm super patient with this journey & process. I am so happy that you were able to receive some clarity and inspiration to begin your healing journey with your mom as well. we truly all deserve it and owe t to ourselves to live a life where we don't live half full. cheers to us, & i'm rooting for you! 🤍✨
@@AmaniRakeia Thank you so much plus you’ve always inspired me every since I was in high school and wanted to start my Spiritual journey when you put me on to ctrl album and I’m excited that you’ve been soo successful since then ❤️
@@dessiipooh7983 my heartttttt!! you've been around during the OG days. ctrl was such an era for me and huge turning point, so i'm so, so happy that I was able to be a light for you to keep shining your light and discovering so much more about yourself. i'm rooting for you babes! 🤍
@@AmaniRakeia ofc you impacted my life so much and I miss you being my mentor for D3
I know this is old and I’m sure you are in a better place with this situation, but for me what I learned is people cannot give you what they don’t have. Learning her background could provide you a better perspective as to why she couldn’t show up for you then, but if possible how can she now? Perspective is everything when the questions have gone unanswered for so long.
I have also learned that we as children have every right to have an expectation of parents to show up for us because they birth us here, but when it’s keeping you bound you must adjust and sometimes accept that you may never get from them what you need as a child grown but still their child. Making peace with that and asking God how to be in relationship with one or both parents in the way that pleases Him. Doing that for me has allowed me to respect my dad because of his position, but knowing who I am as a grown woman to set certain boundaries because of the love of God and myself. Parents are to be honored, but we can voice our perspective of their action or no.n action in our lives.
My dad is getting older and he on his own realizes the relationship he does not have with me. I don’t do anymore than the situation allows for. He comes around for birthdays and holidays. I don’t hold him in my debt. Freedom comes when you let go and don’t push people past their capabilities or comfort levels. I love my dad and I know he loves me, but he doesn’t know how to be a dad to me for his own experiences or non relational experiences in his life.
For me God is my everything and because I love and honor Him it helps me do the same for my dad who really doesn’t know me and my mom in some capacity. I had expectations of her and she could not fill them. Her mom was taken from her when she was 2 by a drunk driver. She never got that time with her mom and it cause such a mother wound in her that really affects my life now as a mother. I don’t feel I have all the emotional capabilities to give my child, but I do know I love my child and want the very best for them. Parenting is not easy and for many reasons some parents just don’t know how despite creating the child.
Freedom comes from within to still show love to those who you seen or felt has failed you some way in life. I really pray you all the best on this journey.
You are healing, uploading this, even just recording it, just have the though to record and share this---healing.
that's all i'm about this year! do nothing without intention! ❣️
Deep❤Now I can better understand what my own stepdaughter is going through
Thank you for being so open. I had a similar experience with my dad before he passed in December. I still don’t know how to process it.
sending you big big hugs on your journey my love! you are not alone 💗
@@AmaniRakeia thank you sis ❤️
Do you have an update on where you and your mom are at now?
Sad, but good you got it off your chest only you and your MOM can fix it,If you want?, Just stay strong, Pray everyday, Read your Bible, Ask GOD which way too go! One thing for sure your life experience will make you a great Mom too your Kids, Always be there for your kids, they will need you in life, This is a cold world, I only have 1 Son and I couldn’t imagine not being there for him!!! Love You and stay strong!! If you ever need anything, Reach out, 💯😊
Thank you so much for your kind words! ❣️
ماشاءالله تبارك الرحمن الله يحفظك يوفقك يرزقك يارب نور قلبك جميعا
اماني راقية .. your name means fancy wishes ❤