What's the phrase that drives YOU crazy? (We vote for "Oh! I would have ...") Sharing Space: An Astronaut's Guide to Mission, Wonder, and Making Change by Cady Coleman: amzn.to/3V1Prhq Disclaimer: Tested may earn an affiliate commission when you buy through the links here. Join this channel to support Tested and get access to perks, like asking Adam questions during live streams: ruclips.net/channel/UCiDJtJKMICpb9B1qf7qjEOAjoin
Not one that drive me crazy, but whenever I catch myself thinking "it's only xxx, I'll just..." I know I need to take a step back and think again because I'm about to do something unwise.
I came in as a contractor on a major engineering project for a company. They described the product they were building (massive machine) and I thought "why don't you just do it this way instead?" I held it back and said "I'm new, they probably have a dozen reasons why, I'll just learn the project and do my job." 9 months later, someone says to me "You know, I was thinking about this project and why didn't we just do this?" (the same this) and people started to worry because it was actually a much simpler solution that should be just as effective. Maybe don't say "why don't you just?", but the lesson is that it's worth saying SOMETHING.
At my job, I've had a lot of luck just by prefacing my suggestion in a way that makes it clear that I think the fault is in my plan, and I'm trying to learn. Like -- "Can we talk about the design for this? It seems like there's an easier way, but I might be missing something critical." And if they're willing to take the time to discuss it (i.e. you already got investment from the other person) then you can explain your idea. Sometimes the response is "Well, we can't do that because of X and Y", and sometimes the response is "Oh, that sounds good, it might actually work, let's look into that." (But sometimes you can just say "What if we did it like this?" as a softer approach than the accusatory "Why don't you just...")
As a young IT engineer, I came into a project that was designed and proceeding to deployment. I knew nothing about the particular tech so sat down and read the documentation. About two weeks in I took the lead engineer aside and explained that his design wouldn't work according to the documentation. He took it well as the tech was new to him too. We worked on an alternate solution with no impact on the timeline or price. I like to assume people want to do a good job and will take advice offered in the right way. I will remove the "just" word from these convos.
Avoiding the word 'just' is a constant, conscious effort for me. Compare these two sentences; "Sammy's not a doctor, he's a nurse." and "Sammy's not a doctor, he's just a nurse."
I don't use the word as much in speech, but I do have to pay attention in writing to avoid it where it isn't what I mean. I _also_ notice it _everywhere_ in modern media. I've heard _feminists_ say phrases like, "Oh she's not a man, she's just a woman." I'm not a feminist, but even I can see that this is rude and offensive to women, and it rubs me the wrong way. I know they don't _mean_ it like that, but if you don't know how to say what you mean, maybe you shouldn't be saying anything.
@@TheTuttle99 It does give two different meanings. I'll give you a personal example to see if that helps. TheTuttle99 is a fellow commenter on youtube. TheTuttle99 is just a commenter on youtube. Does one make you feel a little smaller, or less than the other?
Being neurodivergent myself, I have learned that the correct response is to first ask, "Do you want help?" Sometimes people just want to vent their feelings.
Yup. I have been trying to do that myself. I have a bad habit of trying to just offer a solution because I honestly want to help but sometimes people just want to let it out. Learning
Yup, had to learn that Neuro typical rule myself the hard way. I had someone get bent out of shape at me cause I am always an ass. I had no idea, I actually rather liked them and wanted to offer suggestions and or help. We sorted it out, I try to ask if they want help before suggesting, and they give me a low key nudge that I need to re-evaluate my conversation path. It really helps when people can meet me half way, as I don't always know that I am doing it.
When "why don't you just..." came out of your mouth, I almost screamed. I felt so validated. When I first met my wife she was the new stage manager at the company where I was a production electrician. She was very good and very experienced, but she would sit in tech meetings after rehearsals and when we were discussing a technical issue she had a real habit of saying "why don't you just....". She knew enough that her ideas were right a surprising amount of the time, but of course sometimes we had obviously already tried that. One day I told her she had to stop saying "why don't you just..." because even if she was right, she was just going to end up with defensiveness from the production staff as the effect of those words was really belittling our knowledge and experience. She no longer says those words and it's also something she always teaches young stage managers not to do. And in return, I always very seriously consider that her ideas are probably right and I need to consider them carefully, at the very least.
The problem with 'why don't you' is that people are going to answer that question. They are going to tell you why not, even if it was something that they had not thought off because you didn't ask 'would this work' you asked 'why not'. People tend to answer the question that was asked and not the intent behind it.
@@EthelredHardrede-nz8yvIf you ask “Why did you do it this way?” Or “What made you take this approach?” Or a similar phrase, people usually think about it better in my experience? If you want to suggest a solution/method/direction “Did you consider xyz?” Works well in my experience.
I like your example. With your example it was easy to see that the conflict only exists because of ego. "Why don't you just" makes one feel judged and if you're sensitive to that sorta thing you would probably find it really difficult to take a step back and consider exactly what the other person is saying and under what context are they saying it. Did they know exactly what you've tried before showing up? Questions like those help but I think what helps more is acknowledging why you feel a certain way
yeah, no. she was doing it the right way. If you feel diminished by a simple straightforward question, thats on you, not her. Others reflexive defensiveness is never the problem of the speaker.
I was rightfully told off ages ago, when a classmate asked for help on an assignment and I started with "Oh yeah, that's easy, you just..." Their retort came hours later over a text message and was essentially "if it was easy *for me*, I wouldn't have asked for help"
Yes! The most infuriating thing one of my teachers said all the time was "that's trivial so I'll skip this part" 😡 So when I became a teacher, I tried to teach my students to not be dismissive of the "easy" parts, that they should feel good about understanding/doing it right, but they should respect that someone else might trip on that same part and it was ok too!
@@MazaB I wish I had you as a teacher! I swear, I learned how to do a lot of rather advanced stuff in school, but then afterward, discovered that I never learned what the first steps were. It's like trying to play a board game by reading all the rules except the set-up steps.
I'm glad they sent the text and you took it well. :) This is my biggest thing. I hate when people say "it's so easy" or call something "no-fail" or say something is "simple". Like dude, thanks for making me feel like an idiot. I try so hard not to use the same language with anyone because no, it isn't easy or simple for everyone and it's important to remember that.
@@LadyRenira I get where youre coming from, just banning the word entirely is pretty stupid. Saying something is simple can be useful and helpful. Theres tons of skills/things people are too intimidated to try because they seem complex when in reality theyre far less difficult than people think. For example, a lot of people think of programming as some sort of black magic that they could never learn, when in reality the basics of it are pretty... well, simple. Just as much as there are a lot of seemingly "simple" things that some people just cant do, there are a lot of seemingly "hard" things that for most people are actually pretty simple. Being able to... well, say that to encourage people to do them is beneficial for pretty much everyone. Just like pretty much every other word, we should instead just be mindful of when to use them.
@@barry5Kinda like being mindful not to tell someone what they do is pretty stupid in the first sentence of your reply if you want them to read and reflect on the rest of your comment... But there are other ways to encourage people to do something you consider simple by using other words to do so. The whole point is that it isn't simple to everyone and you're still assuming that is the case in your example.
The most important thing of what you're doing is that you're not making the assumption that they haven't yet considered that thing. I've learned that that's *huge*.
My go-to phrase is "my first thought would be". It doesn't imply any assumptions about the other person and it clearly leaves open the possibility that I'm the one missing something important - After all, I haven't had nearly as much time to consider the problem as the other person.
I've worked for a major research institute for over a quarter of a century. April was autism awareness month. I was talking with our lab manager, one of my favorite people, and observed to her that if you work routinely with scientists and engineers, you are aware of autism. She laughed and said it was so, so true.
@@r0bw00d it’s much more eloquent by comparison. While you are correct generally, numbers themselves are very dry when involved in a saying / sentence. Also “quar-ter of a cen-tu-ry” (7) “O-ver Twen-ty five years” (6) Just saying “quarter century” is actually less syllables, appending an A to get “A quarter century” for grammar correct speech is a tie. Edit: my bad, over is involved in both cases, so it’s one syllable shorter generally. This isn’t really much of a sin however imo.
@@SandeepMohammedAliit could be a habit, but for me I have trouble getting past my problems because I am not conditioned to think about them, and then after lforgettimg and being reminded so many times that I can’t possibly ignore it, I just get defensive which doesn’t help, and eventually all the perceived effort drains me and I decide to handle the problem “later, but before it involves someone else again” and inevitably that just resets things. Not victimizing myself, just mentioning that it is complicated and comes from a very alien direction
Adam, I don't get to say stuff like this often, but one of the reasons I value these videos of yours is because you have an infectious positivity. It does me a great deal of good if I'm feeling anxious or frustrated. It's soothing. I value that a lot. :)
I always ask "can you do this?" Instead of "why don't you just" I think it gives the power to the person because your asking them instead of telling them as if they have the knowledge. It's always worked for me to bring two minds together instead of overpowering the other
"Have you tried" also works really well. If they have, no harm done. If they haven't even thought of your suggestion, they'll usually give you a confused look which opens the door to explain further.
I've found the most useful tool is asking someone what they have done, then saying words like "How do you feel about trying this method instead". It empowers them to learn, instead of feeling like you're telling them what to do.
This is such a great call out. I've definitely been guilty of "why don't you just..."ing others without considering the baggage that comes with the phrase. I love seeing people in the comments working out better ways to communicate their good intent to help.
One of the phrases I've found very useful, when you see someone struggling, is: "do you want help or patience?" Sometimes people need to know that their struggle is seen AND their agency isn't being interfered with.
That's a bit confusing. Are you offering to make me more patient? That seems far-fetched. And offering to be patient yourself is kind of saying you are waiting on me, which has the opposite effect intended. Probably just "would you like a hand with that?" is better.
@@ratinthecat I guess it'll depend on the listener how much explanation is needed: "do you want my help/engagement/assistance, or do you want me to just be patient and not interfere while you work through it on your own?" Phrasing it in that way, to me, conveys that either response carries equal weight: sometimes offering help can be interpreted as condescending and refusing it merely denial that help is needed.
The "patience," part, though we'll intended may imply that the work is taking noticeably longer than it should. Possibly an alternative would be "Would you like a helping hand, or would you rather sort it on your own?"
Adam nails working in a salaried/corporate environment for the first time. Spend time understanding and "feeling" the company culture - how they interact, how people present solutions and problems, etc. Take notes and make it part of your thought process. Review it and adjust it often. Be good to work with, and focus on being someone who makes processes easier, not sand in the gears. And my add - for the first two or three months, spend nearly all of your time listening, then asking questions. Eagerness is not a bad thing to show, but for the first few months it needs to be almost entirely in action, not voice or direction. Good luck, and congrats!
This is true, but unfortunately it's because neurotypicals who are emotionally stunted and unprofessional outnumber others, not because their way is better.
what if over half of their staff walked out and the place is on fire? They don't know what they sell, they don't have any documentation on what their customers have, and they don't have any plans on advancing anything further?
@@colto2312 typically the fresh hire with no corporate experience isn't going to be the person managing those problems, they're going to be the people doing what the higher ups need to put a plan into action. Extra problems don't disrupt the structure or culture, they instead mean it's even more critical to choose effective methods to do things. If you were hired to fix those problems because you have experience with them in another company, that's a different story, and taking charge makes a lot more sense. But listen and learn is definitely the way to go for an introductory corporate job.
@@elderfrost9892 what if they don't even have a list of what they sell or what the customer has. And the individual is responsible for all support calls
In an earlier time in my life as a tow truck operator I was in the service department of an auto dealership delivering a car. It was very busy, and the female service manager was jumping into the fray helping the staff deal with customers so they would not have to wait any longer than needed. She approached this very elderly man and asked if she could help him with his car issue. The response was something like this, “oh no you won’t be able to help me”. I caught her eye as she graciously said, ok let me get so and so to get you sorted. Later I had the opportunity to ask her if that was what I thought it was and she said, oh it happens to me all the time. She was a real pro and outstanding person!
Here's some important context to consider before assuming "it was what you thought it was." Was she a mechanic or customer service? I couldn't even begin to count the times I've had to endure customer service people when they were just making the situation far more frustrating than it had to be. It's a delicate balance playing the go between with the customer and the technician. Are there people great at customer service? Yep, but it sometimes feels like a coin toss at best.
As a "savant" Maker of 68 years of fixing anything and everything, I've used that phrase daily. Never thought of that phrase as condescending because I can see how to fix, remake or restore in my head. Thanks for pointing out the phrase "Why don't you just" as something I need to correct.
I totally agree. If you can see the answer, you just want to share. It's not about ego its' about getting it done. Unfortunately most humans don't think this way. They like their football.Their drama.
I don't know if it's a phrase that I commonly use, but I'll be far more conscious of it moving forward. It's not something I'd ever considered, but I can see how that would be frustrating to hear. There are definitely better ways to essentially say the same thing without diminishing other's efforts.
It doesn't bother me, but I can see where that phrase can be an issue with other people. I'm guessing that you are happy to discuss and debate and be proven wrong and find it exciting to find the best or correct answer or solution. "you are wrong" is something that a certain group of people have no issue with saying or being told, and are ready to prove they are right, or be proven wrong. I get it.
I think most folks aren't opposed to suggestions from knowledgable individuals, but how you phrase it is incredibly important. For one reason or another, "why don't you just" really does come across as "clearly you're dumb for not seeing this". But if you phrase it as "is there a reason you can't do it this way?" You're kinda forcing them to mentally engage with your idea, while also framing it as open to rebuttal.
Thank you, Adam. I haven't heard anyone speak about the unintended consequences of phrases like "Why don't you just..." outside of a psychology of communication textbook. This message is so important.
I learned this one, and it's amazing the affect it has on people: Never say "You don't understand." Say, instead, "I feel I have failed to make myself clear." Telling people they do not understand immediately puts them on the defensive. Acting as if the failure to communicate is YOUR problem makes people want to help you. Now, make no mistake: you might be talking to a dolt. Dolts are real. Dolts are out there. But even if you know the problem is theirs, act as if it's yours.
Yes! Communication takes two people. I always try to remember this, even when I find it really frustrating to try to explain something to somebody- they're probably just as frustrated trying to comprehend what I'm saying. I'll always say "I think there's been a miscommunication", or "let me rephrase", or "I think we've gotten confused". Pointing fingers can be cathartic, but it's rarely helpful
I do this a lot. One, I realize that I think of a lot of things in weird ways and there really is a very good chance that the problem is at my end, and I'm not explaining myself well. Two, it definitely helps keep people from getting their hackles up.
my first boss Harry (rip) when I was 16 was just brilliant. Fortunately for me my dad and people I did summer jobs for gave me the confidence to tackle tasks and use my common sense. When I was being trained by Harry, in his boat factory I would watch his process and learn the assembly. Often times I would see him do something and ask why he did something a certain way, or I might suggest something. He was always kind and complimentary, if he had already been down that route and it hadn't worked out he explained how and why but commended me on my thought process. Never once like I have seen other bosses and manager who just put you down to boost their own egos. Will always be grateful to Harry for the start he gave me in my working life.
That is the very best kind of mentor, one seeks and expects you to seek understanding, and doesn't have problems passing on (possibly painful) lessions he's learned, freely. On the other hand, I've learned to be wary of those who don't like me asking questions.
Your advice to 'Now What' was so spot on. When I dealt with either student nurses or new nurses, I would gently let them know that they were going to feel like a fish out of water for at least a year. When I was an experienced nurse and did land my perfect job, I floundered for that year myself (and knowing what I was going through helped so very much). I advised them to observe the nurses who were successful and the ones who weren't. The organization the successful nurses employed would stand them in good stead.
Particularly in healthcare, we spend so much time and energy working to get to the goal, it is important to take time and imagine what we want our lives and practice to look like once we arrive. Mentors can help, particularly how they live out their values and respond to challenges. It’s also important to realize healthcare positions can empower us to do many things within and adjacent to our initial roles. We need to be mindful of systems/employers trying to convince us we are “lucky to be working there… you should be happy to have a job….it’s always been like this….etc”. If the work morphs into something unsustainable we can change/transform rather than keep suffering. The answer to “now what” keeps changing, but is always worth asking/answering.
When I suddenly became an electrical grid operator, they "trained" me for two weeks and put me on night shift. I calculate that I only lost the company several million dollars before I got the hang of it. (You have to visualize the entire electric system outside your tiny room).
I'm so happy you focused in on "just" because recently I've discovered how frustrating that one word alone can be. Long story short, life happened for me, as for most of us. Despite a good upbringing, a great education, planning, life happened so my career was put on hold, lost my support system, barely staying afloat despite working essentially 2 jobs, and I'm still clawing for normality. So it absolutely drives me insane when people say "JUST do..." Or "Why don't you JUST..." whenever offering advice, completely oblivious to the factors and hurdles I need to jump and how I no longer have the safety nets they have. It's so demoralizing being treated like I have no concept or drive when I've run the numbers and taken risks and haven't gotten the results I wanted time and time again. I can't JUST have a better life, so stop telling me it's that simple.
I think the best way to offer help in a situation like that is just to ask questions. With the wall things like 'how big a hole do you have in the wall?' 'is the framing damaged, or just the sheetrock?' 'what are you trying to use to patch it?' Let them take the lead. Tell them the parts they did right. Or frame your advice as brainstorming 'is the hole too big for a sheetrock patch kit?'
This is almost exactly my thought as well. Basically everyone responds well to earnest questions about a topic they've raised. The thing that comes after "why don't you just" probably even has some promise, only it's preceded by a phrase that trivializes the topic ("just") and suggests that you are providing the answer. The core thought can usually be phrased as a more respectful question.
My dad was popular at work to go to for advice on programming code even though he said he almost never actually got to the part where he would have given advice. They usually just needed to talk through the problem and he asked good clarifying questions.
@@lrfcowper A "rubber duck" is a programming concept where you place a rubber duck on your desk and explain the problem when you're stuck. When you figure it out, throw the duck across the room.
I always say things like "yeah, I do that all the time" when I think I am being condescending or might have made them feel bad. kind of a "I suggest that because I forget to do that/ have gotten issues with this thing before" usually gets people to say it makes them feel better, which soothes my fears about the interaction
That's pretty good. I normally lead with "oh yeah, I've ran into that before. This is how I got it to work last time, but if you come up with a better way, let me know for next time."
When people say this to me I label it as further condescension! Useful to notice about someone's style if you later get involved in moderating some conversation with them in it.
@@stevecarter8810Agreed. Although I too say this I always feel bad afterwards since saying you do it all the time means that you have more experience than them and/or what they are saying is not new or interesting. Better to just listen and be interested in what they are saying. Only offer solutions if they are asking for them.
I tend to pull out the "yeah I run into this issue all the time" most often when reassuring someone who's starting out, because I feel like it'd be reassuring for them to know that their struggle has nothing to do with skill or lack thereof, and thus it's not that *they alone* are terrible at the thing. It takes a lot of time and effort to build up confidence in creative endeavours (in my case this is creative writing), around the inherent self-criticism that drives improvement, particularly for people who are new enough to it that they haven't figured out which things are "thing being hard for everyone" vs "they in particular do not have the skill (yet)". Last thing we want is for someone to blame themself for struggling with something *everyone* struggles with, right?
@@PeteQuad I think it depends on context- saying "I do that all the time" to their problem can be condescending, but saying it to them missing an obvious solution is just saying "we're all human, everyone misses things sometimes". Or at least, that's how I've always parsed it
I appreciate you hitting on the fact that people on the spectrum do exist and that they process differently. My youngest son is diagnosed ASD 2 and watching him having to try to navigate people that don’t understand him is heartbreaking. We were at a spring festival and another kid pushed him because “he was rude to his cousin” but he’s just direct and rigid in how he thinks. He’s a sweet boy, he shows affection and receives it well however it isn’t “conventional”. I’m glad the stigma of “they are just being little shits” is going away and acceptance and accommodation is on the rise.
this video HIT HOME. twenty-five years ago, my friends set up a white board upon which they kept count of every time we said "you should". i was the number one offender! i found it EXTREMELY difficult to stop. it was almost some strange tourette syndrome habit i couldn't break. my final success in limiting this HABIT was to STOP TALKING. boy, the best way to be kind, is to STOP being a jerk.
@@clarencegreen3071 oh the bliss of ignorance! the joy of discovering how liitle i know cannot compare to being three years old and thinking i was smarter than Winnie the Poo...
When I was a kid, one of my friends kept saying “like”. I started counting aloud the number of “like”s she had in her sentence. She cracked up so hard🤣 .
Thank you so much for not jump-cutting this video. So relieving and refreshing to hear a natural flow. Can finally feel my brain breathe again with anticipation when you stop to think.
I have been part of where older people judged the way I worked and as a teenager it was very hard, when I got older and had apprentices who learned from me, there was nothing more fun to see them grow and work for what they had learned from me. Then seeing them work on their own and nothing else could make me proud
So awesome that you break down the differences between someone having a cold, analytical stance and someone being condescending. It would help the world considerably if people could tell the difference between the two.
In my experience, that takes time to figure out. If you change how you communicate with everyone to a less condescending way, you'll have to worry about that less. I've made this shift over time and it's helpful and people will be more willing to ask for help.
Neurodivergent people use sarcasm when they try to be condescending, they usually fail at that. If they look like being condescending, its analytical stance. Neuronormative people mix feelings on everything, they should separate a bit more their feelings towards things instead of thinking everyone is after them, or that people are being condescending just because they let you have a bad feeling as a result of an interaction. Being analytical requires keeping feelings out of the equation, feelings might guide the high-level picture, but never problem solving or in-trenches engineering, the reality you have to deal with don't care about feelings, things are what they are, if you don't like it maybe you should go work with people (that are not neuro-divergent) instead of engineering.
@@DoitForTheLolz1Just because someone “thinks” someone is being condescending, doesn’t mean they are. I’ve been around lots of other engineers that are exactly like what more common people would consider condescending, critical, etc. I have always been pretty good at spotting when people are just being assholes and when someone makes a cold, analytical statement.
@@hanslain9729 "If you change how you communicate with everyone to a less condescending way" that's walking on eggs, I might try that, but I don't know what might be perceived as condescending , I'm not intending on being condescending, there's no purpose for that, if you can't figure out real intentions and get you feelings in the way, then maybe we should not work together. That's why videos like this one about "why don't you just" are useful , I never use that because this really sounds condescending, because things never are "just", it depends on context, situation, and maybe the other people really have less skill than you, but you don't approach it like that. Its fine for them to be wrong and for your opinion on "just" doing what would be the actual thing that will solve the problem, but you have to lead people to the answer to help them. Just stating "if you just did that" won't teach them why, and how you got to the conclusion of why "just" doing that is the way. The fact that it is perceived as condescending doesn't matter (who cares about feelings), what matters is that your objective of making people solve the problem or helping them isn't being attained by you forcing your understanding, you have to lead people to your conclusion in a way that they can understand the why from their level, so they can actually get better and learn.
Your bit about being nice to work with is so accurate. I realized a few years ago that I want to be someone I would enjoy working with, and try to be positive and fun. I have many coworkers who enjoy working with me and others who yell at me to stop making bad puns (not mean yelling, just the "eye roll" sighs). It's surprising how much it boosts peoples moods.
I really appreciate the thoughtful responses that you give, Adam. I don't know if you ponder the questions ahead of time, but if you don't, then you really have a measured and sensible manner about you.
also a tip: if you want to work on a specific project at work, always offer up to do the grunt work (because that's usually the simpler work for someone new in the job force), and it'll ease a senior's workload.
As a helper/servant type I've learned when people are talking through a process or problem, I lead with something along the lines of, "I want to try and help but you may just need to vent. I'm willing to listen - just let me know what would be more helpful."
I've found replacing that with "have you tried" is really effective. It changes the interaction from you gracing the person with your wisdom to you both putting your heads together on a collaborative solution.
As someone who has come up through the trades(been a machinist for 10 years then scheduler/quoting for a few and just now got an engineering position) I have learned to take those condescending tips because in that industry the alternative is they gate keep and watch you fail. I have made a big effort not to be condescending. One thing I do is instead of saying “I would of done it this way” or it would’ve been easier if you did it this way” I will say hey I just learned this cool trick (even if I have known for a while) and say it helped me with a similar issue. I think approaching it from a I have done the same thing and this is what I learned approach makes it so they don’t feel like you are saying they should have known. Only time I get a little condescending is when my leadership asks for the same information I’ve already sent them multiple times. Then I break out the corporate “per my previous email” lol.
@@AlejandroMéndez-j6j Do you use GPS in any way? Satellite communication in any way (TV and other media)? There is far more going on in space that affects our daily lives. If it wasn't useful, no one would be spending the resources to get out there.
I have a huge interest in both exploration and scientific discoveries, I think it’s really cool, but it doesn’t entitle a person to treat others as if they are lesser. I met someone who worked at the JPL and I found her incredibly impolite and she acted as if she was better than “other people”
Just remind them of that time an astronaut drove across the country wearing diapers so she could murder her love rival, without needing to stop and possibly be seen. Turns out they’re actually real humans, with foibles like the rest of us.
Thanks Adam! This really helped me as I was struggling with a person who is highly specialised in doing a thing, but when asked for feedback, he would give it in a judgemental and condescending way. You are the guru !
I appreciated the nuance between neurodivergent and genuine condescension. One of my biggest struggling points being on the spectrum, and often repeated by others on the spectrum, is that we very much don't have emotional investment in work (I mean, we're all human and can be mean or have our feeling hurt) but generally I've had the conversation "it's just business, why do people get so emotional?" way too many times to count. I've gotten feedback for being "abrasive" and such by a VERY SMALL minority of colleagues because I'm matter of fact (not even harsh, I've worked hard to soften tone and language). The ironic thing is usually most of the people I work with closely will say they love me because I'm the only person in the office that will tell them exactly what's up and not BS them. ND folks generally say exactly what we mean and there's little subtext to be read into. Language matters of course like the good advice to eliminate "have you just tried X" but also like Adam said, that's a culturally acceptable even if linguistically problematic way to offer suggestions. So someone on the spectrum has likely learned it's a safe way to state things and offer feedback, even if it's not in practice. It's subtle but you can often pick up on when a person is simply unaware of their effect and when a person is trying to make you feel bad. The former will usually be CONSISTENT AF with their unawareness whereas the latter is likely going to be manipulative and inconsistent based on whatever suits them best.
Just... that's the word in that phrase that insinuates condescension. It is imperative to speak your mind, but do it very tactfully. We need to be mindful that we are all individuals with our own problems, our own mental health diagnosis, and and we need to be tolerant and understanding when dealing with others. Thank you for broaching this subject, Adam! As always, you are Top Shelf.
and to the person who started the new position, pay attention to those who are difficult to work with, but don't just dismiss them as "jerks" or "pitas". Sometimes the most difficult people can teach you the most about where you're working. Try to approach everyone as neutral as possible when you're first starting, you never know what you will need from whom in a week, a month, a year; and while YOU might not remember snubbing someone because they're abrasive, some folks have very long memories. Good luck!
Yup... I've learned a lot through the years from some guys just like that. Abrasive, standoffish, etc... There's sometimes a really good reason they're like that, but once you get to know them, show them some respect and appreciation for the help they can offer, they generally come around and be a great mentor and good "work friend".
True. I've also worked with guys who's default is being a jerk and won't respect you unless you push back at their jerk-ness. Typically, they'd over-exaggerate how bad a problem is just to get a rise out of you.
. I've seen that same behavior but I give it back and never forget how they are. This is a bad character trait that this otherwise smart good person has. To me it would be concerning if that was either my employee or co worker. I just don't trust that kind of personality it could bite you in the butt down the road.
A little compassion goes a long way. I worked with a guy whose grip on reality started to slip, his marriage fell apart, and he became more and more unhinged at work. He was beyond awful to work with, but instead of just firing him, they offered him time off and counseling and all that stuff. As he started to get better, he decided to find a less stressful job, and left with his dignity intact. Win-win.
Thanks for mentioning the book. I am a woman mechanical design engineer and have been working primarily with men my entire career, so this is of great interest. Maybe her insights and experiences will provide further enlightenment. While there have been some real challenges I have also had positive experiences with admirable men who were helpful, encouraging, and very professional. I am now interested in getting the book and have subscribed to your channel. All the best!
Hi Adam, my only complaint about these videos is that they weren't around years ago at the start of my career. I think your perspectives on working, especially on dealing with people and self reflection, are lessons I only learned once I made those critical mistakes myself. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences and thoughts and I hope you'll keep letting us all learn from you.
“Why don’t you just…” About ten years ago, back before it was common to find high end turn tables, I tried fixing the one I already owned. The tone arm was frozen in the UP position, and would not drop with even a few pounds of pressure. Turns out that there’s silicone lubricant in the drop mechanism, and it can harden (the turn table was already 20+ years old. BUT MY BROTHER IN CHRIST, if I had a nickel for everyone who said “why don’t you just put a penny on the tone arm!”
Proper turntables you can adjust the balance of the tone arm. Putting a penny on it is a quick and dirty solution to balance issues. It was just funny how many people thought they knew ANYTHING about turntables, and their suggestions were just… not even remotely helpful (and unsolicited)
This is the most helpful RUclips video I’ve seen all year. Just took an upper management position. And a lot of this truly helped me with some things I’ve been struggling with.
At the risk of condescension two bits caught my "Avoid These Words" antennae: I'm knee deep in the local autistic community (thru my work) and this community cringes at being described as "not normal." Much preferred is the word "atypical." and the other bell ringer was the phrase "begs the question." It does not mean "raises the question." It is actually the name of an interesting logical fallacy worthy of a Google search. Thank you for the continuously useful and informative videos. I've lost count of how many tools I've purchased (or not purchased) in deference to your experienced opinions, and techniques that I've discovered on this channel. Kudos!
I think "begs the question" is changing meaning with time and incorrect usage. I know I have used it incorrectly and have trouble recalling the proper usage. So I just don't use the phrase anymore.
Maybe because I'm old and grew up just being called "weird" and "messed up" because girls couldn't be autistic or even have ADD, but I HATE the phrasing "neurotypical" or "atypical" with a passion beyond words. Autism IS a type, thus it is typical, just as much as some one who is at the extreme OTHER end of the spectrum is a type though no more "typical" of the "average" human. In fact, I very quickly learned how to lead people to understand that the concept of "normal" is itself abhorrent to most Westerners ("Just think for a second how weird 'normal' is. Everyone would have to all agree on what the best color is, and since more people like blue, you can't be normal if that's not your favorite color. And how exactly is a family supposed to have 2.3 kids? what exactly is that .3 of a kid?!" It may have used logical fallacies by equating "normal" with "average" but it was EFFECTIVE at "normalizing" my odd behaviors, because every one is odd in SOME way) but "typical" is no better. It sets a baseline that is wholly fabricated and imposed by OTHERS and ignores the individual and their situation. To borrow a favorite line "Once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."
@@mwater_moon2865 "Weird" person here... It is a "different" normal, in my experience. Apparently, 90% or more of people I always hung out with for decades must have all been weird, on the spectrum or something. Back in the old days, we didn't have so many words - neurotypical and autistic were not words in use. "Weird" was in use. I don't like "atypical" either. I prefer "logical" or even just "weird", I suppose. I don't really know and am exploring what these things mean to me and what applies to me.
I have also found that people who say "why don't you just" tend to be actually *very* committed that their "obvious" solution is the right solution, and are irrationally attached to it even if there is a valid answer to the "why don't you just."
Being slightly north of 80, I've observed that the obvious solution to a problem is often not the best solution. This applies to dealing with people as well as technical/mechanical problems. (And it's cold up here.)
opposite is also true, ive seen people commit way too hard to an overcomplicated solution. There's a balance to be had, so yeah, thats why communication and civil discussion is important
people with fragile egos, when struggling on the project they are emotionally attached to, are very easy to set off. Especially if they have a reflexive internal dialogue that questions their capabilities during a roadblock. These people are land mines. Cutting the blue, red, and yellow wires set off the bomb. Only the green "I understand you've been struggling, and I feel you. Do I have your permission to voice my idea?" is appropriate. But listen, I don't have all day. AINT NO WAY IM CARESSING UR BALLS LIKE THAT EVER. Much less using that as a standard for communication is exhausting. Yall ain't got no real relationships with anybody if yall ain't got somebody u can say whatever you want to and not worry about being lectured about social etiquette bc they misinterpreted a well intentioned gesture.
Sometimes yes, but sometimes it’s the other way around, where the person who says “why don’t you just…” is asking a valid question, and the other person has a fragile ego and won’t consider it. So I try not to make any assumptions about who’s right or wrong based on their discourse style.
@@clarencegreen3071 Simple is good, because it makes future problems less complicated. But simple is not always best. The goal is not to create a system that runs near-perfectly nearly all the time but when it fails it causes massive damage and nobody can fix it fast enough. The goal is to create a system that fails well, i.e. a system that when it fails does little damage and is easily and quickly fixed. This usually, but not always means a small number of interacting parts. For example, if you need a tool or attachment for stirring, a stick is good, a spoon is often better, but you almost never need hinges.
Per the working with a man. I was asked by a friend's father (who respected my opinion on complex issues) to visit his Son's (not my friend) house with him to advise on logistics of changing the location of a washer and dryer in his basement. I went in met the sons wife and looked at the issues. I saw only one simple solution that wouldn't involve lots of new plumbing and gave it to him. The wife said that's the same idea she had. I was confused but we said our goodbyes and went on my way. Found out from my friend later on that their father (elderly) just did not respect the opinion of women on such matters. I was frankly taken back as I didn't realize this was so much of a thing. He had the only simple solution and still wanted a man's opinion.....
@@debrascott8775 I do live in the world of today. I just hadn't experienced all that everyone experiences. Women experience their lives. Men don't. I've dealt with assholes. I've dealt with bigots. Up until then I had never dealt with someone so appearingly normal, that literally didn't care about an opinion unless it was from someone that looked like him.
@@michaelmckeon2138 Devils advocate, that was just a thing she said. I've know people that have said "that's just what I thought/said" and similar things, when it really was not what they thought and/or said at all. You have no reason to just believe her on her word, maybe her husband knows that she has a habit of having dumb ideas and taking credit for stuff?
Frankly it is regularly the reverse situation. Not uncommon even amongst young couples for the woman to be ordering the man about and she's always right no matter what.
I'm ND and I just have to embrace the fact that most of society will think I'm a know-it-all because I share the information that I have if it is pertinent and that I'm an asshole because I'm authentically honest. Love your work Adam! EDIT: Prayer works because of the placebo effect. Unless you're thinking more about positive affirmations, which do tend to work for some people, but for very few they have the opposite effect. Those people tend to be suffering from some type of disordered depression like MDD or TRD.
People who are trying to be authentically honest, but who don't model the way their language will be understood are still the cause of the received upset. You can't know what everyone will think when you make a statement, but you do at least need to consider how other people see the world and how their context is different from your own. If you can ensure that both of you share the same context, communication should flow a lot better.
The placebo effect is a substantial portion of any treatment effect. If we could harness the placebo effect without sending someone to the doctor and prescribing them expensive medications, it wouldn't solve all of our healthcare woes, but it would make healthcare more effective and less expensive. I think that what Adam was saying is that prayer can be helpful even if it's not for the reason that we think. Sometimes the reason matters, but isn't it more important that people get/do better?
@@henrikhendrickson2375 I feel that in this context its often that the streamer keeps missing something easy and is getting frustrated at the game where the solution is actually easy. In this situation its just hubris and stubbornness that has them respond so angrily to someone genuinely offering then a solution as their stream starts going off the rails.
The last statement Adam made “prayer is really important because it makes you focus on what you want to achieve”, reminded me of the book think and grow rich by Napoleon Hill. One of the main points of the book was how to think towards your goal. It made me completely reevaluate my method of thinking. It is a great book, definitely worth a read!
Have had a sneaking suspicion in recent years that I may be on the spectrum, and this video made me feel really called out, in the kindest way possible.
Amazing advice. Another one to protect yourself from condescending individuals is to not take it personally. They may not even know what they're saying, and developed that habit because they grew up around it. So take a step back, take the good parts of what they are syaing, and leave thr bad stuff at the door; then you improve without getting your feelings hurt. Not everyone is self aware of these phrases, and not everyone will be open to learning that it's wrong to do so. You can control your actions, but not other people's.
Back when I was working for design firms, the Engineers and Designers all hated the phrase "Couldn't you just..." It always came from someone in Marketing, or one of the higher-ups that didn't have any design experience. It was always said as if they were gifting us with the perfect magic solution. As if we could just wave their magic wand to solve whatever had been puzzling an entire design department for weeks. If someone says to me "Couldn't you just..." I automatically know that person has no knowledge or experience in the subject. The phrases that worked best for me were "Have you tried___?" or "Would ___ work for this?" It puts the idea out there without any criticism or condescension, and gives the other person a chance to reject or accept the idea on their own terms.
I've had similar experiences with working with engineers for over 25yrs. Nothing gets under their skin faster than when some non-engineer suggests that there's an easier why to design/execute something they are working on, most especially when it's being said with a tone condescension. Implying that they somehow know better than someone that's put in the hard work to be an engineer. While they may sometimes not see the obvious in front of them, most engineers (in my experience) have applied a lot of thought to what they've done. Doesn't mean that they're not wrong sometimes, or that there's an easier way of doing something, but generally, how they've done it is that way for a very valid theoretical or practical reason.
@@WHJeffB Taking on the mindset of 'Feedback is a gift' though can help cushion the blow when those condescending comments come through. They're putting energy into replying. Even though it comes off as a less than agreeable way, there's an opportunity to educate someone there. Look at it from a different angle. Doesn't always work but can help.
@@WHJeffB yep, I've seen the look on a senior engineer's face when they realise their lowly technician knows something they don't and can see their mistake It gets you sent on busy work, so as to not hurt their egos while they waste company time and money 🤣 If you can't professionally, succinctly, and reasonably answer "why don't you just ____", without the protagonist sugar-coating the question to satisfy your ego, you're the problem.
Another one I’ve found myself using is “can we try this?”, it implies that you have an idea that may work, but need to practically try it to see if it will work. And by using we, you include them and their input.
Watching this felt like I was in a dream. This "why don't you just" business I get all day every day from people who think what I do is easy when they likely couldn't do it to save their own life. I finally feel heard. Thank you.
I have told people for YEARS never to say "why don't you just" or "all you have to do is". Nice to hear it coming out of the mouth of someone people will actually LISTEN TO. 😆
Why Don’t you just explain it better. ;) As a teacher I make a point of warning my students about anyone who ever say ‘just’ myself included. It is always a sign of a person that Don’t understand the full picture. Be it a lack of info or lack of understanding that others may yet lack the skills. I appreciate your effort and hope you keep pushing this understanding.
I’m glad this video found its way to me. Apparently I’ve been needing to self reflect on this topic. My ‘newly’ late-diagnosis of adhd would suggest I have been doing this behavior in my work environments but most often done with good intentions. I can recognize when someone I work with takes what I’m saying as a critique of them rather than a chance to exchange knowledge or expertise.
Adam - thanks for putting a spotlight on this. I've had to work on this in the past and it's been nothing but gravy since to have easier conversations with people and better methods to be helpful and to be a better listener. Much appreciated.
Adam- this was such fabulous advice. As someone in their first salaried position (two years in), I wish I’d heard it when I started! Thanks for sharing these pieces of wisdom.
I'm autistic and I loved Jamie. So nice to hear that you consider the autistic side of things (sometimes there is no bad intention, just different ways to be ourselves). I also like that you share the point of view of women (because it is not as known as it should be. And I watch female youtubers, most of my friends are female. But culturally there are so many things that are not so evident if they are not shared explicitly).
Words of wisdom. I'm 62 and was somewhat condescending and judgmental for years. A few years ago, I started working w/ someone about 10 years younger who approached everything differently than me. It took a while, but we worked it out and the department is better for it.
It depends on the situation, it depends on how much effort I already put into something and it depends on my energy level. If I'm still in a concepting phase, talking things over in my head and later discussing it with a direct colleague, "Why don't you just" is a perfectly fine sentence. I really have no problems with (experienced) people telling me something I hadn't considered. But if I'm 90% done, and worked on it all day, exhausted, and turn it in, the LAST thing you want to hear is "Why don't you just".. I usually wait until the next day to ask for feedback. Same with emails. If a reaction rubs me the wrong way I just wait a couple of hours or until the next day before I respond.
My father, an undiagnosed neurodivergent (he doesn't get it), loves to tell the story of my putting in a set of steps in my mom's garden. I told him that I'd listen to his thoughts, and then I'd tell him what we would do. I am the openly neurodivergent member of my family!
The word "just" is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It has highlighted a lot of problems in my life that are misunderstood by the people around me, especially boomers. If someone's too polite to say "whatever", you're bound to hear a "just"!
Really great advice on not to use the phrase, and at the same time, as a person on the receiving end of "why don't you just" we can use Cognitive behavioral techniques to re-assess how we receive it and instead take it positively, and thank the person for their fresh insight. We've all looked in the fridge over and over unable to spot something just to have a second set of eyes point it out. Same thing in programming!
I work in IT, and for years had to work with a senior programmer and he was both more experienced and had a higher position in the company. However he was a bit of a Jamie, in the sense that he couldn't understand why someone would do something different from what he thought was the right way. The best way I found to deal with that and avoid the "why don't you just" remarks was to be as specific as possible, this would give him a concrete problem to concentrate
The problem with "Why don't you just..." usually isn't with the asker, it's with the person receiving the question. You could just take it as an honest question and answer that question. If someone asks "Why don't you just cut the board in half?" you could just answer them "Because then it won't be long enough." Or you can get angry because you assume they're calling you stupid. It could actually be, and usually is, that the person honestly doesn't understand the constraints of the situation you're in.
This is why Adam specifically asked what kind of condescension does the person have. If it's simply just an issue of word choice, then you just have to get over it because the person doesn't mean any harm. If the person proves difficult to work with (i.e. actually condescending rather than accidentally condescending) then the language choice is more of a sign that reinforces what you already know of their personality.
Same here, I didn't realize that I had subconsciously removed the word "just" from my vocabulary specifically when helping people until this video. Otherwise I want to just throw it everywhere
"Be nice to work with" is some of the best advice you can ever get. In fact, if you look at hollywood and see a short career vs a long career in TV or movies the differentiator is often how nice, or not nice, they were to work with. If you are casting a show and you had 3 complaints about someone you had cast a couple times in the past chances are that person isn't going to get near the top of your list any time soon. Of course, some people don't know how to be nice to work with, and if they are a genius with some needed special skill they will get a LOT of rope.
Yes! I just finished a job where I wasn't fully qualified but I received a lot of compliments about attitude, so I'm sure it was a big part of was what made our jobs easier and why they were 100% more patient with the mistakes I've made 🤭
This almost sorta wise woman on the spectrum is appreciative of this wise sharing! I can either be blunt or speak in metaphors, so this sort of Q&A helps me see things from different perspectives. Just North of 60 here!
Thank you for specifying the part about neurodivergence! I've run into that issue a few times on accident. I was being condescending or rude without even realizing it. Now that I've gotten older I've gotten better with my word choice and phrasing.
Some people struggle much harder with a blunt question during something in a blue collar trade than others. “Why did you just…” coming from a plumber, HVAC, electrician, framer, mechanic etc etc etc. very seldomly has malice laced in the question. Lack of confidence in what you’re doing leads to people adding that in. There isn’t a correct answer or response, but every professional tradesman that’s hit me with one of those questions would be okay with a “I didn’t even think about it” or “I didn’t know I could do it that way” or “well, x,y, or z prevents it from being done that way”. I’ve found that if you give someone a genuine response to those questions, they’re normally willing to share helpful hints for the way they like to do something. I understand being mindful about the way we come across to people, but we also need to be more mindful of determining if someone had malice in their original question. Maybe feel out a situation before jumping to feeling offense.
To me, the BEST way to solve a problem is to talk to someone who I know knows a lot of things and be open to what they are asking. Them saying "Have you tried X? Y? Z?" will often lead me to realize that the issue would be solved by W, but I had missed it this whole time, and sometimes they actually nail it. Even if they said the rude word "just" I can't get past the part where they might be right, and even if they are not right their "simple solution" might get my brain to a different solution that will work. I think how you hear other people is more about you than about them.
As a spectrum person, but one that generally can somewhat pass most social interactions with empathy and emotion in my language/action, its still very refreshing to hear you mention emotion vs. unemotive communication, how Jamie is a good example of the latter. and also this was a great foray into something often struggle with as a autist: my love language is knowledge. I share knowledge because it excites me to know and I covet it like a treasure and thus sharing with you knowledge is not me (generally) trying to be the "better person", but usually me being "isnt this cool to think about?!" or "did you know? because i learned this and its fascinating to me", but it becomes hard to stop in energetic situations. it also is often seen as condescension when no harm or malice is intended. I know you know the struggle of being a gifted person in a room with other people and being excited. I really appreciate you and this episode as well as any further insight you can share. sincerely, a infinitely curious friend and fan
I prefer the direct approach from people who know more than I do. I love hearing "why don't you just" because so often the following information is going to save me a lot of time in the future. I never really thought about it as potentially offensive, but I can see how it can be. But then I might be guilty of saying it myself, so I'll try to be a little more aware in the future.
I'm well past the point of trying to have meaningful communication with anyone anymore. I just nod and smile now. Sure, right, whatever. Sounds good to me. What I've learned is if I try to tell someone something they'll be resistant. So if I really want them to do something some way I have to hope they just figure it out for themselves. Hit it with your purse!
@@1pcfredI agree completely. If people want to know, they can find out. People simply don't care about the truth most of the time. If you don't care about the truth, then you won't be able to learn.
@@trollsneedhugs there are different truths for different people. Everyone's reality is different from everyone else's. Although there is a commonality we all share too. So what's the truth can be complicated.
That’s Adam! The latter portion of this encouraged me to reach back out to one of my many bosses for some direct input on a project I’m interested in instead of waiting! 👊🏼
I like to directly ask ‘can you’ instead of ‘why don’t you just’. The latter feels more like an accusatory statement than a question and requires annoyingly long explanation. ‘Can you’ is a genuine question easily answered with a no, and functions as a suggestion only if the reply is yes.
As a problem solver I really appreciate it when someone says “Why don’t you just…..?” It’s just working together. People who get offended usually just like to brag, need to vent, or think they know everything. Of course they usually have security issues and fragile egos. That is why I have taken to not offering comments and advice unless they are asked for. Why try to help someone who couldn’t care less for your input. That is probably why I always got promoted before others.
@@AsclepiasCorridor yes, because I don’t give unsolicited advice and opinions. And I work well with others. I was promoted to supervisory positions in the manufacturing, oil field services, and trucking industries. I never fired anyone because of a personality trait that I didn’t like. I fired some people because they weren’t doing the job they were hired for. The cost of hiring and training employees is enormous. So when you have to fire someone the company loses the money they invested in them. Also every comment I post on a video, will help the channel. Every monetized channel wants comments. So I’m not giving unsolicited advice here. In fact I’m not giving advice at all. I’m just commenting.
@@AsclepiasCorridor really? The first word I wrote is “yes”. The rest was commentary since you seem to have doubts that people would want to be friends with me. That’s why the second word is “because”. Best wishes to you and yours.
I personally don't mind the "why didn't you just" I posted a video of me cutting chicken wire with side cutters and a guy posted a why didn't you just use a cutting wheel... well...the next time I did and it was fast. Like real fast and easy too.
You may not personally mind it, which is great, but so many others do. I always try to word things as best as I can as so it doesn’t come off condescending. I enjoy being around people like you who don’t mind, because it’s just easier.
Definitely depends on the person. When my wife and I first got together(been together nearly 25 years)... I went straight in to 'fixer' mode vs realizing sometimes, my wife just wanted a sympathetic ear. "Well why didn't you just..." was not what she wanted or needed. Others are just wired to take that as feedback. You can't rewire those that are more sensitive but you can choose to switch up how you communicate.
@@llamalethal I am trying to improve myself in many ways. I also understand and get frustrated if I just did something for a few hours and somebody points out that you could just do it this way and it's a 5 minute job.... That is frustrating at first but the next time you are in that situation you definitely try it the other way.
@@llamalethal The truth is there are some who will find condescension *however* it's phrased. Or even take offense that you're obviously approaching the subject with kid gloves. But yeah, limit conflict as much as possible.
yay, a neuro-divergent person. I also don't care much when people come to me "why didn't you just do that". I am like, yeah, sure, you're right I could have done that. And now I have another bit of knowledge I can use later and I have other way of doing things. But that's not how neuro-normative people think, they mix feelings on everything, their egos get bruised, and they might think they're being attacked. You have to walk on eggs, and lead them to the conclusion you wanted with "why don't you just", it must be perceived like a suggestion, like an alternative they came on their own out of no-where, otherwise their fragile egos won't accept new information. Their fragile egos can't accept they don't know everything, everything is inside. Meanwhile, us neuro-divergent people only care about the facts, we want information more than anything, we crave it. Our entire ego isn't based on what we know, but the fact that we can know, we must know. Not knowing is what bruises our egos, everything is outside, we come out to get it, and we won't let formalities and feelings stand in our way of curiosity and having the knowledge, hiding information from us is what we can't deal with, its different from neuro-normative people that feel attacked by new information, we feel attacked when you have new information and we don't.
I had a college professor who was the absolute master of coaxing good answers out of clueless students without embarrassing anyone. It was incredible. He passed away a few years ago and the whole alumni community pretty much melted down--everyone loved him.
I prefer "have you considered," "is it possible," "may I posit a thought," etc. Make it a question that invites the person to bring their thinking to the issue and invites them to address the thinking you have, rather than try to impose your thinking on them as a self-appointed expert.
What's the phrase that drives YOU crazy? (We vote for "Oh! I would have ...")
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"You know about XYZ, right?"
Not one that drive me crazy, but whenever I catch myself thinking "it's only xxx, I'll just..." I know I need to take a step back and think again because I'm about to do something unwise.
I came in as a contractor on a major engineering project for a company. They described the product they were building (massive machine) and I thought "why don't you just do it this way instead?" I held it back and said "I'm new, they probably have a dozen reasons why, I'll just learn the project and do my job."
9 months later, someone says to me "You know, I was thinking about this project and why didn't we just do this?" (the same this) and people started to worry because it was actually a much simpler solution that should be just as effective.
Maybe don't say "why don't you just?", but the lesson is that it's worth saying SOMETHING.
Maybe use 'is there any reason we can't'
it's all about phrasing, you can say something like "have you tried..." to basically say the same thing and not insult anyone intelligence
At my job, I've had a lot of luck just by prefacing my suggestion in a way that makes it clear that I think the fault is in my plan, and I'm trying to learn. Like -- "Can we talk about the design for this? It seems like there's an easier way, but I might be missing something critical." And if they're willing to take the time to discuss it (i.e. you already got investment from the other person) then you can explain your idea. Sometimes the response is "Well, we can't do that because of X and Y", and sometimes the response is "Oh, that sounds good, it might actually work, let's look into that." (But sometimes you can just say "What if we did it like this?" as a softer approach than the accusatory "Why don't you just...")
Damned if you do, damned if you dont.
As a young IT engineer, I came into a project that was designed and proceeding to deployment. I knew nothing about the particular tech so sat down and read the documentation. About two weeks in I took the lead engineer aside and explained that his design wouldn't work according to the documentation. He took it well as the tech was new to him too. We worked on an alternate solution with no impact on the timeline or price. I like to assume people want to do a good job and will take advice offered in the right way. I will remove the "just" word from these convos.
Avoiding the word 'just' is a constant, conscious effort for me. Compare these two sentences; "Sammy's not a doctor, he's a nurse." and "Sammy's not a doctor, he's just a nurse."
Useful! Thank you!
As my mom is a nurse, I'd say that's just a doctor. 😋
I don't use the word as much in speech, but I do have to pay attention in writing to avoid it where it isn't what I mean. I _also_ notice it _everywhere_ in modern media. I've heard _feminists_ say phrases like, "Oh she's not a man, she's just a woman." I'm not a feminist, but even I can see that this is rude and offensive to women, and it rubs me the wrong way. I know they don't _mean_ it like that, but if you don't know how to say what you mean, maybe you shouldn't be saying anything.
It sounds like it gives two different meanings. What's the problem with 'just'?
@@TheTuttle99 It does give two different meanings. I'll give you a personal example to see if that helps.
TheTuttle99 is a fellow commenter on youtube.
TheTuttle99 is just a commenter on youtube.
Does one make you feel a little smaller, or less than the other?
Being neurodivergent myself, I have learned that the correct response is to first ask, "Do you want help?" Sometimes people just want to vent their feelings.
Solid point. Do you want me to listen or are you looking for advice? I will ask this too after I get an idea... "Can I offer a suggestion?"
Yup. I have been trying to do that myself. I have a bad habit of trying to just offer a solution because I honestly want to help but sometimes people just want to let it out. Learning
Spot on.
Those words would have saved me from a lot of grief.
Yup, had to learn that Neuro typical rule myself the hard way. I had someone get bent out of shape at me cause I am always an ass. I had no idea, I actually rather liked them and wanted to offer suggestions and or help. We sorted it out, I try to ask if they want help before suggesting, and they give me a low key nudge that I need to re-evaluate my conversation path. It really helps when people can meet me half way, as I don't always know that I am doing it.
When "why don't you just..." came out of your mouth, I almost screamed. I felt so validated. When I first met my wife she was the new stage manager at the company where I was a production electrician. She was very good and very experienced, but she would sit in tech meetings after rehearsals and when we were discussing a technical issue she had a real habit of saying "why don't you just....". She knew enough that her ideas were right a surprising amount of the time, but of course sometimes we had obviously already tried that. One day I told her she had to stop saying "why don't you just..." because even if she was right, she was just going to end up with defensiveness from the production staff as the effect of those words was really belittling our knowledge and experience. She no longer says those words and it's also something she always teaches young stage managers not to do. And in return, I always very seriously consider that her ideas are probably right and I need to consider them carefully, at the very least.
The problem with 'why don't you' is that people are going to answer that question. They are going to tell you why not, even if it was something that they had not thought off because you didn't ask 'would this work' you asked 'why not'.
People tend to answer the question that was asked and not the intent behind it.
@@EthelredHardrede-nz8yvIf you ask “Why did you do it this way?” Or “What made you take this approach?” Or a similar phrase, people usually think about it better in my experience? If you want to suggest a solution/method/direction “Did you consider xyz?” Works well in my experience.
I like using, "bring me up to speed" or "what ideas seemed to have been sticking?"
I like your example. With your example it was easy to see that the conflict only exists because of ego. "Why don't you just" makes one feel judged and if you're sensitive to that sorta thing you would probably find it really difficult to take a step back and consider exactly what the other person is saying and under what context are they saying it. Did they know exactly what you've tried before showing up? Questions like those help but I think what helps more is acknowledging why you feel a certain way
yeah, no. she was doing it the right way. If you feel diminished by a simple straightforward question, thats on you, not her. Others reflexive defensiveness is never the problem of the speaker.
I was rightfully told off ages ago, when a classmate asked for help on an assignment and I started with "Oh yeah, that's easy, you just..."
Their retort came hours later over a text message and was essentially "if it was easy *for me*, I wouldn't have asked for help"
Yes! The most infuriating thing one of my teachers said all the time was "that's trivial so I'll skip this part" 😡
So when I became a teacher, I tried to teach my students to not be dismissive of the "easy" parts, that they should feel good about understanding/doing it right, but they should respect that someone else might trip on that same part and it was ok too!
@@MazaB I wish I had you as a teacher! I swear, I learned how to do a lot of rather advanced stuff in school, but then afterward, discovered that I never learned what the first steps were. It's like trying to play a board game by reading all the rules except the set-up steps.
I'm glad they sent the text and you took it well. :)
This is my biggest thing. I hate when people say "it's so easy" or call something "no-fail" or say something is "simple". Like dude, thanks for making me feel like an idiot. I try so hard not to use the same language with anyone because no, it isn't easy or simple for everyone and it's important to remember that.
@@LadyRenira I get where youre coming from, just banning the word entirely is pretty stupid. Saying something is simple can be useful and helpful. Theres tons of skills/things people are too intimidated to try because they seem complex when in reality theyre far less difficult than people think. For example, a lot of people think of programming as some sort of black magic that they could never learn, when in reality the basics of it are pretty... well, simple. Just as much as there are a lot of seemingly "simple" things that some people just cant do, there are a lot of seemingly "hard" things that for most people are actually pretty simple. Being able to... well, say that to encourage people to do them is beneficial for pretty much everyone. Just like pretty much every other word, we should instead just be mindful of when to use them.
@@barry5Kinda like being mindful not to tell someone what they do is pretty stupid in the first sentence of your reply if you want them to read and reflect on the rest of your comment... But there are other ways to encourage people to do something you consider simple by using other words to do so. The whole point is that it isn't simple to everyone and you're still assuming that is the case in your example.
I found "I have to ask if you've tried _____" is a good way to bring up those steps everybody should know, but people sometimes forget or skip.
The most important thing of what you're doing is that you're not making the assumption that they haven't yet considered that thing. I've learned that that's *huge*.
My go-to phrase is "my first thought would be". It doesn't imply any assumptions about the other person and it clearly leaves open the possibility that I'm the one missing something important - After all, I haven't had nearly as much time to consider the problem as the other person.
@@jandl1jph766 yes, it has the same energy of "I expect you to be competent, but I still need to confirm that the obvious things have been done"
The difference between someone who has high EQ and low EQ
Your computer not working? Plug it in.
"It's good practice to isolate WHY they're hard to work with, and seek to not do that" is excellent advice.
I've worked for a major research institute for over a quarter of a century. April was autism awareness month. I was talking with our lab manager, one of my favorite people, and observed to her that if you work routinely with scientists and engineers, you are aware of autism. She laughed and said it was so, so true.
I avoided eye contact and asked 'why are you laughing, I'm merely observing our shared work environment?’.
Why didn't you just say "over 25 years?" BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
@@r0bw00dsounds cooler
Which it is
@@clankplusm Extra syllables never sound cooler.
@@r0bw00d it’s much more eloquent by comparison.
While you are correct generally, numbers themselves are very dry when involved in a saying / sentence.
Also “quar-ter of a cen-tu-ry” (7)
“O-ver Twen-ty five years” (6)
Just saying “quarter century” is actually less syllables, appending an A to get “A quarter century” for grammar correct speech is a tie.
Edit: my bad, over is involved in both cases, so it’s one syllable shorter generally. This isn’t really much of a sin however imo.
You just made me realize I am that person. I’ve got some work to do
the good just :)
Same :/
Why don't you just stop doing it?
@@SandeepMohammedAliit could be a habit, but for me I have trouble getting past my problems because I am not conditioned to think about them, and then after lforgettimg and being reminded so many times that I can’t possibly ignore it, I just get defensive which doesn’t help, and eventually all the perceived effort drains me and I decide to handle the problem “later, but before it involves someone else again” and inevitably that just resets things. Not victimizing myself, just mentioning that it is complicated and comes from a very alien direction
@@SandeepMohammedAli It's only insulting to emotionally weak people, i guess. I never had a problem with that statement said to me.
Adam, I don't get to say stuff like this often, but one of the reasons I value these videos of yours is because you have an infectious positivity. It does me a great deal of good if I'm feeling anxious or frustrated. It's soothing. I value that a lot. :)
I always ask "can you do this?" Instead of "why don't you just" I think it gives the power to the person because your asking them instead of telling them as if they have the knowledge. It's always worked for me to bring two minds together instead of overpowering the other
That, or I've said things like "is there any chance that doing would be helpful to your situation?"
"have you tried" lets them explain what they have tried and why it doesn't work...
"Have you tried" also works really well. If they have, no harm done. If they haven't even thought of your suggestion, they'll usually give you a confused look which opens the door to explain further.
I've found the most useful tool is asking someone what they have done, then saying words like "How do you feel about trying this method instead". It empowers them to learn, instead of feeling like you're telling them what to do.
This is such a great call out. I've definitely been guilty of "why don't you just..."ing others without considering the baggage that comes with the phrase. I love seeing people in the comments working out better ways to communicate their good intent to help.
One of the phrases I've found very useful, when you see someone struggling, is: "do you want help or patience?" Sometimes people need to know that their struggle is seen AND their agency isn't being interfered with.
That's a bit confusing. Are you offering to make me more patient? That seems far-fetched. And offering to be patient yourself is kind of saying you are waiting on me, which has the opposite effect intended. Probably just "would you like a hand with that?" is better.
@@ratinthecata better way to say it is “ do you want solutions or support”
@@ratinthecat I guess it'll depend on the listener how much explanation is needed: "do you want my help/engagement/assistance, or do you want me to just be patient and not interfere while you work through it on your own?" Phrasing it in that way, to me, conveys that either response carries equal weight: sometimes offering help can be interpreted as condescending and refusing it merely denial that help is needed.
The "patience," part, though we'll intended may imply that the work is taking noticeably longer than it should. Possibly an alternative would be "Would you like a helping hand, or would you rather sort it on your own?"
"I hear you, do you want some help with that?"
Adam nails working in a salaried/corporate environment for the first time. Spend time understanding and "feeling" the company culture - how they interact, how people present solutions and problems, etc. Take notes and make it part of your thought process. Review it and adjust it often. Be good to work with, and focus on being someone who makes processes easier, not sand in the gears. And my add - for the first two or three months, spend nearly all of your time listening, then asking questions. Eagerness is not a bad thing to show, but for the first few months it needs to be almost entirely in action, not voice or direction. Good luck, and congrats!
This is true, but unfortunately it's because neurotypicals who are emotionally stunted and unprofessional outnumber others, not because their way is better.
what if over half of their staff walked out and the place is on fire? They don't know what they sell, they don't have any documentation on what their customers have, and they don't have any plans on advancing anything further?
@@colto2312 typically the fresh hire with no corporate experience isn't going to be the person managing those problems, they're going to be the people doing what the higher ups need to put a plan into action. Extra problems don't disrupt the structure or culture, they instead mean it's even more critical to choose effective methods to do things.
If you were hired to fix those problems because you have experience with them in another company, that's a different story, and taking charge makes a lot more sense. But listen and learn is definitely the way to go for an introductory corporate job.
@@elderfrost9892 what if they don't even have a list of what they sell or what the customer has. And the individual is responsible for all support calls
@@elderfrost9892 how do you provide technical support for a customer when the business has no clue what the customer even pays for?
In an earlier time in my life as a tow truck operator I was in the service department of an auto dealership delivering a car. It was very busy, and the female service manager was jumping into the fray helping the staff deal with customers so they would not have to wait any longer than needed. She approached this very elderly man and asked if she could help him with his car issue. The response was something like this, “oh no you won’t be able to help me”. I caught her eye as she graciously said, ok let me get so and so to get you sorted. Later I had the opportunity to ask her if that was what I thought it was and she said, oh it happens to me all the time. She was a real pro and outstanding person!
Quietly satisfying to her that people who do that have to wait an extra two minutes
Here's some important context to consider before assuming "it was what you thought it was." Was she a mechanic or customer service? I couldn't even begin to count the times I've had to endure customer service people when they were just making the situation far more frustrating than it had to be. It's a delicate balance playing the go between with the customer and the technician. Are there people great at customer service? Yep, but it sometimes feels like a coin toss at best.
As a "savant" Maker of 68 years of fixing anything and everything, I've used that phrase daily. Never thought of that phrase as condescending because I can see how to fix, remake or restore in my head. Thanks for pointing out the phrase "Why don't you just" as something I need to correct.
I totally agree. If you can see the answer, you just want to share. It's not about ego its' about getting it done. Unfortunately most humans don't think this way. They like their football.Their drama.
@@testing-nj2ne unfortunately its easier to caress their ego on the spot rather than have to suffer through a social lecture
I don't know if it's a phrase that I commonly use, but I'll be far more conscious of it moving forward. It's not something I'd ever considered, but I can see how that would be frustrating to hear. There are definitely better ways to essentially say the same thing without diminishing other's efforts.
It doesn't bother me, but I can see where that phrase can be an issue with other people. I'm guessing that you are happy to discuss and debate and be proven wrong and find it exciting to find the best or correct answer or solution. "you are wrong" is something that a certain group of people have no issue with saying or being told, and are ready to prove they are right, or be proven wrong. I get it.
I think most folks aren't opposed to suggestions from knowledgable individuals, but how you phrase it is incredibly important. For one reason or another, "why don't you just" really does come across as "clearly you're dumb for not seeing this". But if you phrase it as "is there a reason you can't do it this way?" You're kinda forcing them to mentally engage with your idea, while also framing it as open to rebuttal.
Thank you, Adam. I haven't heard anyone speak about the unintended consequences of phrases like "Why don't you just..." outside of a psychology of communication textbook. This message is so important.
I learned this one, and it's amazing the affect it has on people:
Never say "You don't understand." Say, instead, "I feel I have failed to make myself clear."
Telling people they do not understand immediately puts them on the defensive. Acting as if the failure to communicate is YOUR problem makes people want to help you.
Now, make no mistake: you might be talking to a dolt. Dolts are real. Dolts are out there. But even if you know the problem is theirs, act as if it's yours.
Amen. I use, "i'm not communicating this well. Let me try again?"
Yes! Communication takes two people. I always try to remember this, even when I find it really frustrating to try to explain something to somebody- they're probably just as frustrated trying to comprehend what I'm saying.
I'll always say "I think there's been a miscommunication", or "let me rephrase", or "I think we've gotten confused". Pointing fingers can be cathartic, but it's rarely helpful
I do this a lot. One, I realize that I think of a lot of things in weird ways and there really is a very good chance that the problem is at my end, and I'm not explaining myself well. Two, it definitely helps keep people from getting their hackles up.
my first boss Harry (rip) when I was 16 was just brilliant. Fortunately for me my dad and people I did summer jobs for gave me the confidence to tackle tasks and use my common sense. When I was being trained by Harry, in his boat factory I would watch his process and learn the assembly. Often times I would see him do something and ask why he did something a certain way, or I might suggest something. He was always kind and complimentary, if he had already been down that route and it hadn't worked out he explained how and why but commended me on my thought process. Never once like I have seen other bosses and manager who just put you down to boost their own egos. Will always be grateful to Harry for the start he gave me in my working life.
My first employer, Joe Little, said when I asked him, "Why do you pay me more than all the others?" Said, "Because you work".
That is the very best kind of mentor, one seeks and expects you to seek understanding, and doesn't have problems passing on (possibly painful) lessions he's learned, freely.
On the other hand, I've learned to be wary of those who don't like me asking questions.
Your advice to 'Now What' was so spot on. When I dealt with either student nurses or new nurses, I would gently let them know that they were going to feel like a fish out of water for at least a year. When I was an experienced nurse and did land my perfect job, I floundered for that year myself (and knowing what I was going through helped so very much). I advised them to observe the nurses who were successful and the ones who weren't. The organization the successful nurses employed would stand them in good stead.
Particularly in healthcare, we spend so much time and energy working to get to the goal, it is important to take time and imagine what we want our lives and practice to look like once we arrive. Mentors can help, particularly how they live out their values and respond to challenges. It’s also important to realize healthcare positions can empower us to do many things within and adjacent to our initial roles. We need to be mindful of systems/employers trying to convince us we are “lucky to be working there… you should be happy to have a job….it’s always been like this….etc”. If the work morphs into something unsustainable we can change/transform rather than keep suffering. The answer to “now what” keeps changing, but is always worth asking/answering.
When I suddenly became an electrical grid operator, they "trained" me for two weeks and put me on night shift. I calculate that I only lost the company several million dollars before I got the hang of it. (You have to visualize the entire electric system outside your tiny room).
Funny thing that you have successful and not successful nurses doing similar jobs :) That's one demotivator
@@dmitripogosian5084 Some are not successful yet. Others should've chosen a different occupation. Like any job/career.
I appreciate just how respectfully you talk about Jamie, even when he was doing shit that drove you crazy.
I'm so happy you focused in on "just" because recently I've discovered how frustrating that one word alone can be. Long story short, life happened for me, as for most of us. Despite a good upbringing, a great education, planning, life happened so my career was put on hold, lost my support system, barely staying afloat despite working essentially 2 jobs, and I'm still clawing for normality. So it absolutely drives me insane when people say "JUST do..." Or "Why don't you JUST..." whenever offering advice, completely oblivious to the factors and hurdles I need to jump and how I no longer have the safety nets they have. It's so demoralizing being treated like I have no concept or drive when I've run the numbers and taken risks and haven't gotten the results I wanted time and time again. I can't JUST have a better life, so stop telling me it's that simple.
I think the best way to offer help in a situation like that is just to ask questions. With the wall things like 'how big a hole do you have in the wall?' 'is the framing damaged, or just the sheetrock?' 'what are you trying to use to patch it?' Let them take the lead. Tell them the parts they did right. Or frame your advice as brainstorming 'is the hole too big for a sheetrock patch kit?'
This is almost exactly my thought as well. Basically everyone responds well to earnest questions about a topic they've raised. The thing that comes after "why don't you just" probably even has some promise, only it's preceded by a phrase that trivializes the topic ("just") and suggests that you are providing the answer. The core thought can usually be phrased as a more respectful question.
My dad was popular at work to go to for advice on programming code even though he said he almost never actually got to the part where he would have given advice. They usually just needed to talk through the problem and he asked good clarifying questions.
@@lrfcowper Those kind of people are worth their weight in gold.
@@lrfcowper A "rubber duck" is a programming concept where you place a rubber duck on your desk and explain the problem when you're stuck. When you figure it out, throw the duck across the room.
@@Mr12Relic Fortunately, no one threw my dad across the room... 😁
I always say things like "yeah, I do that all the time" when I think I am being condescending or might have made them feel bad. kind of a "I suggest that because I forget to do that/ have gotten issues with this thing before" usually gets people to say it makes them feel better, which soothes my fears about the interaction
That's pretty good. I normally lead with "oh yeah, I've ran into that before. This is how I got it to work last time, but if you come up with a better way, let me know for next time."
When people say this to me I label it as further condescension! Useful to notice about someone's style if you later get involved in moderating some conversation with them in it.
@@stevecarter8810Agreed. Although I too say this I always feel bad afterwards since saying you do it all the time means that you have more experience than them and/or what they are saying is not new or interesting. Better to just listen and be interested in what they are saying. Only offer solutions if they are asking for them.
I tend to pull out the "yeah I run into this issue all the time" most often when reassuring someone who's starting out, because I feel like it'd be reassuring for them to know that their struggle has nothing to do with skill or lack thereof, and thus it's not that *they alone* are terrible at the thing. It takes a lot of time and effort to build up confidence in creative endeavours (in my case this is creative writing), around the inherent self-criticism that drives improvement, particularly for people who are new enough to it that they haven't figured out which things are "thing being hard for everyone" vs "they in particular do not have the skill (yet)". Last thing we want is for someone to blame themself for struggling with something *everyone* struggles with, right?
@@PeteQuad I think it depends on context- saying "I do that all the time" to their problem can be condescending, but saying it to them missing an obvious solution is just saying "we're all human, everyone misses things sometimes". Or at least, that's how I've always parsed it
I appreciate you hitting on the fact that people on the spectrum do exist and that they process differently. My youngest son is diagnosed ASD 2 and watching him having to try to navigate people that don’t understand him is heartbreaking. We were at a spring festival and another kid pushed him because “he was rude to his cousin” but he’s just direct and rigid in how he thinks. He’s a sweet boy, he shows affection and receives it well however it isn’t “conventional”. I’m glad the stigma of “they are just being little shits” is going away and acceptance and accommodation is on the rise.
It's a messy issue because being rude is such a vague concept to begin with.
this video HIT HOME. twenty-five years ago, my friends set up a white board upon which they kept count of every time we said "you should". i was the number one offender! i found it EXTREMELY difficult to stop. it was almost some strange tourette syndrome habit i couldn't break. my final success in limiting this HABIT was to STOP TALKING. boy, the best way to be kind, is to STOP being a jerk.
One of my bigger regrets is that I didn't learn sooner that I'm not as smart as I once thought I was.
@@clarencegreen3071 oh the bliss of ignorance! the joy of discovering how liitle i know cannot compare to being three years old and thinking i was smarter than Winnie the Poo...
When I was a kid, one of my friends kept saying “like”. I started counting aloud the number of “like”s she had in her sentence. She cracked up so hard🤣 .
@@LoyaFrostwind like, you are like such a good friend!🤣
@@dagnolia6004 😹
Thank you so much for not jump-cutting this video. So relieving and refreshing to hear a natural flow. Can finally feel my brain breathe again with anticipation when you stop to think.
Jump cutting works very well for other RUclipsrs, but it’s just not our style.
I have been part of where older people judged the way I worked and as a teenager it was very hard, when I got older and had apprentices who learned from me, there was nothing more fun to see them grow and work for what they had learned from me. Then seeing them work on their own and nothing else could make me proud
I have a neighbor, great guy. His favorite line is “what ya ought to do is “ and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that
Still a favorite in Texas - "Tell ya what, what y'all outta do is..."
Somehow I can easily picture that guy. He's the kind of guy you want around when something breaks.
@@mindbehindtheuniverse that’s exactly right!
That's a powerful one. I need more of those people in my life, honestly
So awesome that you break down the differences between someone having a cold, analytical stance and someone being condescending. It would help the world considerably if people could tell the difference between the two.
In my experience, that takes time to figure out. If you change how you communicate with everyone to a less condescending way, you'll have to worry about that less. I've made this shift over time and it's helpful and people will be more willing to ask for help.
Yes, it would be good if those people could understand how they treat others.
Neurodivergent people use sarcasm when they try to be condescending, they usually fail at that. If they look like being condescending, its analytical stance.
Neuronormative people mix feelings on everything, they should separate a bit more their feelings towards things instead of thinking everyone is after them, or that people are being condescending just because they let you have a bad feeling as a result of an interaction.
Being analytical requires keeping feelings out of the equation, feelings might guide the high-level picture, but never problem solving or in-trenches engineering, the reality you have to deal with don't care about feelings, things are what they are, if you don't like it maybe you should go work with people (that are not neuro-divergent) instead of engineering.
@@DoitForTheLolz1Just because someone “thinks” someone is being condescending, doesn’t mean they are. I’ve been around lots of other engineers that are exactly like what more common people would consider condescending, critical, etc. I have always been pretty good at spotting when people are just being assholes and when someone makes a cold, analytical statement.
@@hanslain9729 "If you change how you communicate with everyone to a less condescending way"
that's walking on eggs, I might try that, but I don't know what might be perceived as condescending , I'm not intending on being condescending, there's no purpose for that, if you can't figure out real intentions and get you feelings in the way, then maybe we should not work together.
That's why videos like this one about "why don't you just" are useful , I never use that because this really sounds condescending, because things never are "just", it depends on context, situation, and maybe the other people really have less skill than you, but you don't approach it like that.
Its fine for them to be wrong and for your opinion on "just" doing what would be the actual thing that will solve the problem, but you have to lead people to the answer to help them. Just stating "if you just did that" won't teach them why, and how you got to the conclusion of why "just" doing that is the way.
The fact that it is perceived as condescending doesn't matter (who cares about feelings), what matters is that your objective of making people solve the problem or helping them isn't being attained by you forcing your understanding, you have to lead people to your conclusion in a way that they can understand the why from their level, so they can actually get better and learn.
Your bit about being nice to work with is so accurate. I realized a few years ago that I want to be someone I would enjoy working with, and try to be positive and fun. I have many coworkers who enjoy working with me and others who yell at me to stop making bad puns (not mean yelling, just the "eye roll" sighs). It's surprising how much it boosts peoples moods.
I was shouting “north of 60 = Older than 60.”
Did you shout, "It just means older than 60"? Maybe just don't shout at your screen. My god, the condensation is immense.
What about 29 with lots of years of experience? :)
@@AlbertaTrailCams I was just happy to know the right answer. Or at least highly confident I had the right answer.
@@hanslain9729
I feel like that counts.
@@AlbertaTrailCams Condensation? Are you saying the dew point was north of 60 degrees? Or did I misread the *condescension* in the response?
I really appreciate the thoughtful responses that you give, Adam. I don't know if you ponder the questions ahead of time, but if you don't, then you really have a measured and sensible manner about you.
also a tip: if you want to work on a specific project at work, always offer up to do the grunt work (because that's usually the simpler work for someone new in the job force), and it'll ease a senior's workload.
As a helper/servant type I've learned when people are talking through a process or problem, I lead with something along the lines of, "I want to try and help but you may just need to vent. I'm willing to listen - just let me know what would be more helpful."
Why don't you just not use that phrase?
OK, OK.
😂
why dont you stop being a sensitive baby and answer the question
😂😂😂
I've found replacing that with "have you tried" is really effective. It changes the interaction from you gracing the person with your wisdom to you both putting your heads together on a collaborative solution.
As someone who has come up through the trades(been a machinist for 10 years then scheduler/quoting for a few and just now got an engineering position) I have learned to take those condescending tips because in that industry the alternative is they gate keep and watch you fail. I have made a big effort not to be condescending. One thing I do is instead of saying “I would of done it this way” or it would’ve been easier if you did it this way” I will say hey I just learned this cool trick (even if I have known for a while) and say it helped me with a similar issue. I think approaching it from a I have done the same thing and this is what I learned approach makes it so they don’t feel like you are saying they should have known. Only time I get a little condescending is when my leadership asks for the same information I’ve already sent them multiple times. Then I break out the corporate “per my previous email” lol.
I've worked with a NASA astronaut before; and the elephant in the room with them was the "I've been to space, what have you done?" attitude.
Yep, going to space is so useful, uses no world resources and you do it by yourself. Gz.
Yeah we've shot monkeys into space too. So what?
@@AlejandroMéndez-j6j Do you use GPS in any way? Satellite communication in any way (TV and other media)? There is far more going on in space that affects our daily lives. If it wasn't useful, no one would be spending the resources to get out there.
I have a huge interest in both exploration and scientific discoveries, I think it’s really cool, but it doesn’t entitle a person to treat others as if they are lesser. I met someone who worked at the JPL and I found her incredibly impolite and she acted as if she was better than “other people”
Just remind them of that time an astronaut drove across the country wearing diapers so she could murder her love rival, without needing to stop and possibly be seen. Turns out they’re actually real humans, with foibles like the rest of us.
Thanks Adam! This really helped me as I was struggling with a person who is highly specialised in doing a thing, but when asked for feedback, he would give it in a judgemental and condescending way. You are the guru !
I appreciated the nuance between neurodivergent and genuine condescension. One of my biggest struggling points being on the spectrum, and often repeated by others on the spectrum, is that we very much don't have emotional investment in work (I mean, we're all human and can be mean or have our feeling hurt) but generally I've had the conversation "it's just business, why do people get so emotional?" way too many times to count. I've gotten feedback for being "abrasive" and such by a VERY SMALL minority of colleagues because I'm matter of fact (not even harsh, I've worked hard to soften tone and language). The ironic thing is usually most of the people I work with closely will say they love me because I'm the only person in the office that will tell them exactly what's up and not BS them.
ND folks generally say exactly what we mean and there's little subtext to be read into. Language matters of course like the good advice to eliminate "have you just tried X" but also like Adam said, that's a culturally acceptable even if linguistically problematic way to offer suggestions. So someone on the spectrum has likely learned it's a safe way to state things and offer feedback, even if it's not in practice. It's subtle but you can often pick up on when a person is simply unaware of their effect and when a person is trying to make you feel bad. The former will usually be CONSISTENT AF with their unawareness whereas the latter is likely going to be manipulative and inconsistent based on whatever suits them best.
Just... that's the word in that phrase that insinuates condescension. It is imperative to speak your mind, but do it very tactfully. We need to be mindful that we are all individuals with our own problems, our own mental health diagnosis, and and we need to be tolerant and understanding when dealing with others. Thank you for broaching this subject, Adam! As always, you are Top Shelf.
and to the person who started the new position, pay attention to those who are difficult to work with, but don't just dismiss them as "jerks" or "pitas". Sometimes the most difficult people can teach you the most about where you're working. Try to approach everyone as neutral as possible when you're first starting, you never know what you will need from whom in a week, a month, a year; and while YOU might not remember snubbing someone because they're abrasive, some folks have very long memories. Good luck!
Yup... I've learned a lot through the years from some guys just like that. Abrasive, standoffish, etc... There's sometimes a really good reason they're like that, but once you get to know them, show them some respect and appreciation for the help they can offer, they generally come around and be a great mentor and good "work friend".
True. I've also worked with guys who's default is being a jerk and won't respect you unless you push back at their jerk-ness. Typically, they'd over-exaggerate how bad a problem is just to get a rise out of you.
. I've seen that same behavior but I give it back and never forget how they are. This is a bad character trait that this otherwise smart good person has. To me it would be concerning if that was either my employee or co worker. I just don't trust that kind of personality it could bite you in the butt down the road.
A little compassion goes a long way. I worked with a guy whose grip on reality started to slip, his marriage fell apart, and he became more and more unhinged at work. He was beyond awful to work with, but instead of just firing him, they offered him time off and counseling and all that stuff. As he started to get better, he decided to find a less stressful job, and left with his dignity intact. Win-win.
Thanks for mentioning the book. I am a woman mechanical design engineer and have been working primarily with men my entire career, so this is of great interest. Maybe her insights and experiences will provide further enlightenment. While there have been some real challenges I have also had positive experiences with admirable men who were helpful, encouraging, and very professional. I am now interested in getting the book and have subscribed to your channel. All the best!
Hi Adam, my only complaint about these videos is that they weren't around years ago at the start of my career. I think your perspectives on working, especially on dealing with people and self reflection, are lessons I only learned once I made those critical mistakes myself. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences and thoughts and I hope you'll keep letting us all learn from you.
Sir, you are deserving of much admiration. Thank you for sharing your experiences and insights.
You present casual and uncontroversial revelations.
“Why don’t you just…”
About ten years ago, back before it was common to find high end turn tables, I tried fixing the one I already owned. The tone arm was frozen in the UP position, and would not drop with even a few pounds of pressure. Turns out that there’s silicone lubricant in the drop mechanism, and it can harden (the turn table was already 20+ years old. BUT MY BROTHER IN CHRIST, if I had a nickel for everyone who said “why don’t you just put a penny on the tone arm!”
I'd suspect the penny would be for tracking issues, not the arm not even goign down at all?
I love the irony of the last line. The problem now costs six cents to fix instead of one. 😂
Proper turntables you can adjust the balance of the tone arm. Putting a penny on it is a quick and dirty solution to balance issues. It was just funny how many people thought they knew ANYTHING about turntables, and their suggestions were just… not even remotely helpful (and unsolicited)
@@WizardGir lol
Why don't you just update to cassets and eight tracts ?
This is the most helpful RUclips video I’ve seen all year. Just took an upper management position. And a lot of this truly helped me with some things I’ve been struggling with.
At the risk of condescension two bits caught my "Avoid These Words" antennae: I'm knee deep in the local autistic community (thru my work) and this community cringes at being described as "not normal." Much preferred is the word "atypical." and the other bell ringer was the phrase "begs the question." It does not mean "raises the question." It is actually the name of an interesting logical fallacy worthy of a Google search.
Thank you for the continuously useful and informative videos. I've lost count of how many tools I've purchased (or not purchased) in deference to your experienced opinions, and techniques that I've discovered on this channel. Kudos!
That's funny because I just posted a complaint to him about "not normal"!
@@stargazer7644 Bravo
I think "begs the question" is changing meaning with time and incorrect usage. I know I have used it incorrectly and have trouble recalling the proper usage. So I just don't use the phrase anymore.
Maybe because I'm old and grew up just being called "weird" and "messed up" because girls couldn't be autistic or even have ADD, but I HATE the phrasing "neurotypical" or "atypical" with a passion beyond words. Autism IS a type, thus it is typical, just as much as some one who is at the extreme OTHER end of the spectrum is a type though no more "typical" of the "average" human.
In fact, I very quickly learned how to lead people to understand that the concept of "normal" is itself abhorrent to most Westerners ("Just think for a second how weird 'normal' is. Everyone would have to all agree on what the best color is, and since more people like blue, you can't be normal if that's not your favorite color. And how exactly is a family supposed to have 2.3 kids? what exactly is that .3 of a kid?!" It may have used logical fallacies by equating "normal" with "average" but it was EFFECTIVE at "normalizing" my odd behaviors, because every one is odd in SOME way) but "typical" is no better. It sets a baseline that is wholly fabricated and imposed by OTHERS and ignores the individual and their situation.
To borrow a favorite line "Once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."
@@mwater_moon2865 "Weird" person here... It is a "different" normal, in my experience. Apparently, 90% or more of people I always hung out with for decades must have all been weird, on the spectrum or something. Back in the old days, we didn't have so many words - neurotypical and autistic were not words in use. "Weird" was in use. I don't like "atypical" either. I prefer "logical" or even just "weird", I suppose. I don't really know and am exploring what these things mean to me and what applies to me.
Thank you Adam! Thank you people from the comment section!! This was a legit therapy session!!!
I have also found that people who say "why don't you just" tend to be actually *very* committed that their "obvious" solution is the right solution, and are irrationally attached to it even if there is a valid answer to the "why don't you just."
Being slightly north of 80, I've observed that the obvious solution to a problem is often not the best solution. This applies to dealing with people as well as technical/mechanical problems. (And it's cold up here.)
opposite is also true, ive seen people commit way too hard to an overcomplicated solution. There's a balance to be had, so yeah, thats why communication and civil discussion is important
people with fragile egos, when struggling on the project they are emotionally attached to, are very easy to set off. Especially if they have a reflexive internal dialogue that questions their capabilities during a roadblock. These people are land mines. Cutting the blue, red, and yellow wires set off the bomb. Only the green "I understand you've been struggling, and I feel you. Do I have your permission to voice my idea?" is appropriate. But listen, I don't have all day. AINT NO WAY IM CARESSING UR BALLS LIKE THAT EVER. Much less using that as a standard for communication is exhausting. Yall ain't got no real relationships with anybody if yall ain't got somebody u can say whatever you want to and not worry about being lectured about social etiquette bc they misinterpreted a well intentioned gesture.
Sometimes yes, but sometimes it’s the other way around, where the person who says “why don’t you just…” is asking a valid question, and the other person has a fragile ego and won’t consider it.
So I try not to make any assumptions about who’s right or wrong based on their discourse style.
@@clarencegreen3071 Simple is good, because it makes future problems less complicated. But simple is not always best. The goal is not to create a system that runs near-perfectly nearly all the time but when it fails it causes massive damage and nobody can fix it fast enough. The goal is to create a system that fails well, i.e. a system that when it fails does little damage and is easily and quickly fixed. This usually, but not always means a small number of interacting parts. For example, if you need a tool or attachment for stirring, a stick is good, a spoon is often better, but you almost never need hinges.
Per the working with a man.
I was asked by a friend's father (who respected my opinion on complex issues) to visit his Son's (not my friend) house with him to advise on logistics of changing the location of a washer and dryer in his basement. I went in met the sons wife and looked at the issues. I saw only one simple solution that wouldn't involve lots of new plumbing and gave it to him. The wife said that's the same idea she had. I was confused but we said our goodbyes and went on my way. Found out from my friend later on that their father (elderly) just did not respect the opinion of women on such matters. I was frankly taken back as I didn't realize this was so much of a thing. He had the only simple solution and still wanted a man's opinion.....
I'm taken aback that you live in the world today and don't realize this is what women live with every single day.
@@debrascott8775 I do live in the world of today. I just hadn't experienced all that everyone experiences. Women experience their lives. Men don't. I've dealt with assholes. I've dealt with bigots. Up until then I had never dealt with someone so appearingly normal, that literally didn't care about an opinion unless it was from someone that looked like him.
@@michaelmckeon2138 Devils advocate, that was just a thing she said. I've know people that have said "that's just what I thought/said" and similar things, when it really was not what they thought and/or said at all. You have no reason to just believe her on her word, maybe her husband knows that she has a habit of having dumb ideas and taking credit for stuff?
Frankly it is regularly the reverse situation. Not uncommon even amongst young couples for the woman to be ordering the man about and she's always right no matter what.
he wanted the opinion of an individual whom's opinion he respected; wanted a second opinion, etc.
I'm ND and I just have to embrace the fact that most of society will think I'm a know-it-all because I share the information that I have if it is pertinent and that I'm an asshole because I'm authentically honest. Love your work Adam!
EDIT: Prayer works because of the placebo effect. Unless you're thinking more about positive affirmations, which do tend to work for some people, but for very few they have the opposite effect. Those people tend to be suffering from some type of disordered depression like MDD or TRD.
People who are trying to be authentically honest, but who don't model the way their language will be understood are still the cause of the received upset. You can't know what everyone will think when you make a statement, but you do at least need to consider how other people see the world and how their context is different from your own. If you can ensure that both of you share the same context, communication should flow a lot better.
The placebo effect is a substantial portion of any treatment effect. If we could harness the placebo effect without sending someone to the doctor and prescribing them expensive medications, it wouldn't solve all of our healthcare woes, but it would make healthcare more effective and less expensive. I think that what Adam was saying is that prayer can be helpful even if it's not for the reason that we think. Sometimes the reason matters, but isn't it more important that people get/do better?
What Adam is saying isn't that prayer works to magically manifest what you want, but that articulating and focusing on your goals is beneficial.
My respect for Adam Savage just keeps growing the more I see of him. What a fantastic human being. 🙂
There is a Twitch streamer I watch that will timeout people in chat who make gameplay suggestions that start with 'just'.
The fact they have been doing it again and again wrong and won't listen to advice...
Sounds like day9
Exactly the sort of streamers I hate. Full of themselves and crappy to their viewers.
@@BeefIngotor they find the thing Adam is talking about to be obnoxious, as well
@@henrikhendrickson2375 I feel that in this context its often that the streamer keeps missing something easy and is getting frustrated at the game where the solution is actually easy. In this situation its just hubris and stubbornness that has them respond so angrily to someone genuinely offering then a solution as their stream starts going off the rails.
The last statement Adam made “prayer is really important because it makes you focus on what you want to achieve”, reminded me of the book think and grow rich by Napoleon Hill. One of the main points of the book was how to think towards your goal. It made me completely reevaluate my method of thinking. It is a great book, definitely worth a read!
Adam: I’m just gonna drop some gold nuggets of wisdom.
Us: yes please
my man drops so many inspiring quotables so nonchalantly
adam savage is one of the goat humans
Have had a sneaking suspicion in recent years that I may be on the spectrum, and this video made me feel really called out, in the kindest way possible.
Amazing advice. Another one to protect yourself from condescending individuals is to not take it personally. They may not even know what they're saying, and developed that habit because they grew up around it. So take a step back, take the good parts of what they are syaing, and leave thr bad stuff at the door; then you improve without getting your feelings hurt. Not everyone is self aware of these phrases, and not everyone will be open to learning that it's wrong to do so. You can control your actions, but not other people's.
Back when I was working for design firms, the Engineers and Designers all hated the phrase "Couldn't you just..." It always came from someone in Marketing, or one of the higher-ups that didn't have any design experience. It was always said as if they were gifting us with the perfect magic solution. As if we could just wave their magic wand to solve whatever had been puzzling an entire design department for weeks. If someone says to me "Couldn't you just..." I automatically know that person has no knowledge or experience in the subject.
The phrases that worked best for me were "Have you tried___?" or "Would ___ work for this?" It puts the idea out there without any criticism or condescension, and gives the other person a chance to reject or accept the idea on their own terms.
I've had similar experiences with working with engineers for over 25yrs. Nothing gets under their skin faster than when some non-engineer suggests that there's an easier why to design/execute something they are working on, most especially when it's being said with a tone condescension. Implying that they somehow know better than someone that's put in the hard work to be an engineer.
While they may sometimes not see the obvious in front of them, most engineers (in my experience) have applied a lot of thought to what they've done. Doesn't mean that they're not wrong sometimes, or that there's an easier way of doing something, but generally, how they've done it is that way for a very valid theoretical or practical reason.
@@WHJeffB Taking on the mindset of 'Feedback is a gift' though can help cushion the blow when those condescending comments come through. They're putting energy into replying. Even though it comes off as a less than agreeable way, there's an opportunity to educate someone there. Look at it from a different angle. Doesn't always work but can help.
@@WHJeffB yep, I've seen the look on a senior engineer's face when they realise their lowly technician knows something they don't and can see their mistake
It gets you sent on busy work, so as to not hurt their egos while they waste company time and money 🤣
If you can't professionally, succinctly, and reasonably answer "why don't you just ____", without the protagonist sugar-coating the question to satisfy your ego, you're the problem.
Another one I’ve found myself using is “can we try this?”, it implies that you have an idea that may work, but need to practically try it to see if it will work. And by using we, you include them and their input.
@@scod3908 Found the guy Adam is talking about
Watching this felt like I was in a dream. This "why don't you just" business I get all day every day from people who think what I do is easy when they likely couldn't do it to save their own life. I finally feel heard. Thank you.
I have told people for YEARS never to say "why don't you just" or "all you have to do is". Nice to hear it coming out of the mouth of someone people will actually LISTEN TO. 😆
Right! loved this video because of that too. Also to be avoided: "O that's Easy"!
Internally I'm all, what fresh hell have they just created..
What are your replacement methods to inquire or offer advice?
@@AmalgamotionAgreed. Everything is easy when you already know how. 😊
Why Don’t you just explain it better. ;)
As a teacher I make a point of warning my students about anyone who ever say ‘just’ myself included. It is always a sign of a person that Don’t understand the full picture. Be it a lack of info or lack of understanding that others may yet lack the skills.
I appreciate your effort and hope you keep pushing this understanding.
@@hanslain9729 "I have an idea..."
I’m glad this video found its way to me. Apparently I’ve been needing to self reflect on this topic. My ‘newly’ late-diagnosis of adhd would suggest I have been doing this behavior in my work environments but most often done with good intentions. I can recognize when someone I work with takes what I’m saying as a critique of them rather than a chance to exchange knowledge or expertise.
Adam - thanks for putting a spotlight on this. I've had to work on this in the past and it's been nothing but gravy since to have easier conversations with people and better methods to be helpful and to be a better listener. Much appreciated.
Adam- this was such fabulous advice. As someone in their first salaried position (two years in), I wish I’d heard it when I started! Thanks for sharing these pieces of wisdom.
I'm autistic and I loved Jamie. So nice to hear that you consider the autistic side of things (sometimes there is no bad intention, just different ways to be ourselves). I also like that you share the point of view of women (because it is not as known as it should be. And I watch female youtubers, most of my friends are female. But culturally there are so many things that are not so evident if they are not shared explicitly).
Words of wisdom. I'm 62 and was somewhat condescending and judgmental for years. A few years ago, I started working w/ someone about 10 years younger who approached everything differently than me. It took a while, but we worked it out and the department is better for it.
It depends on the situation, it depends on how much effort I already put into something and it depends on my energy level. If I'm still in a concepting phase, talking things over in my head and later discussing it with a direct colleague, "Why don't you just" is a perfectly fine sentence. I really have no problems with (experienced) people telling me something I hadn't considered. But if I'm 90% done, and worked on it all day, exhausted, and turn it in, the LAST thing you want to hear is "Why don't you just"..
I usually wait until the next day to ask for feedback. Same with emails. If a reaction rubs me the wrong way I just wait a couple of hours or until the next day before I respond.
My father, an undiagnosed neurodivergent (he doesn't get it), loves to tell the story of my putting in a set of steps in my mom's garden. I told him that I'd listen to his thoughts, and then I'd tell him what we would do. I am the openly neurodivergent member of my family!
Couldn't agree more with your statements at the end. The first and most important step to success is defining success.
The word "just" is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. It has highlighted a lot of problems in my life that are misunderstood by the people around me, especially boomers. If someone's too polite to say "whatever", you're bound to hear a "just"!
Really great advice on not to use the phrase, and at the same time, as a person on the receiving end of "why don't you just" we can use Cognitive behavioral techniques to re-assess how we receive it and instead take it positively, and thank the person for their fresh insight. We've all looked in the fridge over and over unable to spot something just to have a second set of eyes point it out. Same thing in programming!
Great advice! Thank you, Adam.
I work in IT, and for years had to work with a senior programmer and he was both more experienced and had a higher position in the company. However he was a bit of a Jamie, in the sense that he couldn't understand why someone would do something different from what he thought was the right way. The best way I found to deal with that and avoid the "why don't you just" remarks was to be as specific as possible, this would give him a concrete problem to concentrate
I’m immediately sending this video to my 20 something year old kids. Great advice for everyone! Thanks, Adam.
The problem with "Why don't you just..." usually isn't with the asker, it's with the person receiving the question. You could just take it as an honest question and answer that question.
If someone asks "Why don't you just cut the board in half?" you could just answer them "Because then it won't be long enough." Or you can get angry because you assume they're calling you stupid.
It could actually be, and usually is, that the person honestly doesn't understand the constraints of the situation you're in.
This is why Adam specifically asked what kind of condescension does the person have. If it's simply just an issue of word choice, then you just have to get over it because the person doesn't mean any harm. If the person proves difficult to work with (i.e. actually condescending rather than accidentally condescending) then the language choice is more of a sign that reinforces what you already know of their personality.
I’m really loving this channel of Savagely earnest advice
I have always used "have you tried?"
Good one. I often go with "have you thought about....". Neither is full proof, but on average go over better than "why don't you just".
@@MatthewMe"What are your thoughts about..." "I have an idea... lemme know your thoughts." Depends on the recipient too.
I like to start with "you could".
Reminds me of the scene in Amadeus when Mozart is making suggestions for Salieri's welcome piece.
Same here, I didn't realize that I had subconsciously removed the word "just" from my vocabulary specifically when helping people until this video. Otherwise I want to just throw it everywhere
I really appreciate how little editing there is here. It helps to see how you think through the questions.
"Be nice to work with" is some of the best advice you can ever get. In fact, if you look at hollywood and see a short career vs a long career in TV or movies the differentiator is often how nice, or not nice, they were to work with. If you are casting a show and you had 3 complaints about someone you had cast a couple times in the past chances are that person isn't going to get near the top of your list any time soon.
Of course, some people don't know how to be nice to work with, and if they are a genius with some needed special skill they will get a LOT of rope.
Yes! I just finished a job where I wasn't fully qualified but I received a lot of compliments about attitude, so I'm sure it was a big part of was what made our jobs easier and why they were 100% more patient with the mistakes I've made 🤭
This almost sorta wise woman on the spectrum is appreciative of this wise sharing! I can either be blunt or speak in metaphors, so this sort of Q&A helps me see things from different perspectives. Just North of 60 here!
I definitely work with that guy, they are all over IT. Nothing is ever right.
Thank you for specifying the part about neurodivergence! I've run into that issue a few times on accident. I was being condescending or rude without even realizing it. Now that I've gotten older I've gotten better with my word choice and phrasing.
Some people struggle much harder with a blunt question during something in a blue collar trade than others.
“Why did you just…” coming from a plumber, HVAC, electrician, framer, mechanic etc etc etc. very seldomly has malice laced in the question. Lack of confidence in what you’re doing leads to people adding that in. There isn’t a correct answer or response, but every professional tradesman that’s hit me with one of those questions would be okay with a “I didn’t even think about it” or “I didn’t know I could do it that way” or “well, x,y, or z prevents it from being done that way”. I’ve found that if you give someone a genuine response to those questions, they’re normally willing to share helpful hints for the way they like to do something.
I understand being mindful about the way we come across to people, but we also need to be more mindful of determining if someone had malice in their original question. Maybe feel out a situation before jumping to feeling offense.
Work advice from my dad. Find something you really like become very good at it and someone will pay you to do it! Best advice I ever got!
What I love about this channel is that in addition to showing and building cool stuff, it offers real life lessons.
Great words of wisdom Adam! As a blacksmith and metal worker I approve your message ❤
To me, the BEST way to solve a problem is to talk to someone who I know knows a lot of things and be open to what they are asking. Them saying "Have you tried X? Y? Z?" will often lead me to realize that the issue would be solved by W, but I had missed it this whole time, and sometimes they actually nail it. Even if they said the rude word "just" I can't get past the part where they might be right, and even if they are not right their "simple solution" might get my brain to a different solution that will work. I think how you hear other people is more about you than about them.
As a spectrum person, but one that generally can somewhat pass most social interactions with empathy and emotion in my language/action, its still very refreshing to hear you mention emotion vs. unemotive communication, how Jamie is a good example of the latter. and also this was a great foray into something often struggle with as a autist: my love language is knowledge. I share knowledge because it excites me to know and I covet it like a treasure and thus sharing with you knowledge is not me (generally) trying to be the "better person", but usually me being "isnt this cool to think about?!" or "did you know? because i learned this and its fascinating to me", but it becomes hard to stop in energetic situations. it also is often seen as condescension when no harm or malice is intended. I know you know the struggle of being a gifted person in a room with other people and being excited. I really appreciate you and this episode as well as any further insight you can share. sincerely, a infinitely curious friend and fan
I prefer the direct approach from people who know more than I do. I love hearing "why don't you just" because so often the following information is going to save me a lot of time in the future. I never really thought about it as potentially offensive, but I can see how it can be. But then I might be guilty of saying it myself, so I'll try to be a little more aware in the future.
I'm well past the point of trying to have meaningful communication with anyone anymore. I just nod and smile now. Sure, right, whatever. Sounds good to me. What I've learned is if I try to tell someone something they'll be resistant. So if I really want them to do something some way I have to hope they just figure it out for themselves. Hit it with your purse!
@@1pcfredI agree completely. If people want to know, they can find out. People simply don't care about the truth most of the time. If you don't care about the truth, then you won't be able to learn.
@@trollsneedhugs there are different truths for different people. Everyone's reality is different from everyone else's. Although there is a commonality we all share too. So what's the truth can be complicated.
That’s Adam! The latter portion of this encouraged me to reach back out to one of my many bosses for some direct input on a project I’m interested in instead of waiting! 👊🏼
I like to directly ask ‘can you’ instead of ‘why don’t you just’. The latter feels more like an accusatory statement than a question and requires annoyingly long explanation. ‘Can you’ is a genuine question easily answered with a no, and functions as a suggestion only if the reply is yes.
Love this episode! Thank you for your words!
As a problem solver I really appreciate it when someone says “Why don’t you just…..?” It’s just working together. People who get offended usually just like to brag, need to vent, or think they know everything. Of course they usually have security issues and fragile egos. That is why I have taken to not offering comments and advice unless they are asked for. Why try to help someone who couldn’t care less for your input. That is probably why I always got promoted before others.
Do you… have a lot of friends?
@@AsclepiasCorridor yes, because I don’t give unsolicited advice and opinions. And I work well with others. I was promoted to supervisory positions in the manufacturing, oil field services, and trucking industries. I never fired anyone because of a personality trait that I didn’t like. I fired some people because they weren’t doing the job they were hired for. The cost of hiring and training employees is enormous. So when you have to fire someone the company loses the money they invested in them. Also every comment I post on a video, will help the channel. Every monetized channel wants comments. So I’m not giving unsolicited advice here. In fact I’m not giving advice at all. I’m just commenting.
@@hartshut That doesn’t really answer my question, but I’m glad you’re happy with your professional life.
@@AsclepiasCorridor really? The first word I wrote is “yes”. The rest was commentary since you seem to have doubts that people would want to be friends with me. That’s why the second word is “because”. Best wishes to you and yours.
Wow! Everyone should watch this. Good discussion!
I personally don't mind the "why didn't you just"
I posted a video of me cutting chicken wire with side cutters and a guy posted a why didn't you just use a cutting wheel... well...the next time I did and it was fast. Like real fast and easy too.
You may not personally mind it, which is great, but so many others do. I always try to word things as best as I can as so it doesn’t come off condescending. I enjoy being around people like you who don’t mind, because it’s just easier.
Definitely depends on the person. When my wife and I first got together(been together nearly 25 years)... I went straight in to 'fixer' mode vs realizing sometimes, my wife just wanted a sympathetic ear. "Well why didn't you just..." was not what she wanted or needed. Others are just wired to take that as feedback. You can't rewire those that are more sensitive but you can choose to switch up how you communicate.
@@llamalethal I am trying to improve myself in many ways. I also understand and get frustrated if I just did something for a few hours and somebody points out that you could just do it this way and it's a 5 minute job....
That is frustrating at first but the next time you are in that situation you definitely try it the other way.
@@llamalethal The truth is there are some who will find condescension *however* it's phrased. Or even take offense that you're obviously approaching the subject with kid gloves. But yeah, limit conflict as much as possible.
yay, a neuro-divergent person. I also don't care much when people come to me "why didn't you just do that".
I am like, yeah, sure, you're right I could have done that.
And now I have another bit of knowledge I can use later and I have other way of doing things.
But that's not how neuro-normative people think, they mix feelings on everything, their egos get bruised, and they might think they're being attacked.
You have to walk on eggs, and lead them to the conclusion you wanted with "why don't you just", it must be perceived like a suggestion, like an alternative they came on their own out of no-where, otherwise their fragile egos won't accept new information. Their fragile egos can't accept they don't know everything, everything is inside.
Meanwhile, us neuro-divergent people only care about the facts, we want information more than anything, we crave it. Our entire ego isn't based on what we know, but the fact that we can know, we must know.
Not knowing is what bruises our egos, everything is outside, we come out to get it, and we won't let formalities and feelings stand in our way of curiosity and having the knowledge, hiding information from us is what we can't deal with, its different from neuro-normative people that feel attacked by new information, we feel attacked when you have new information and we don't.
I had a college professor who was the absolute master of coaxing good answers out of clueless students without embarrassing anyone. It was incredible. He passed away a few years ago and the whole alumni community pretty much melted down--everyone loved him.
I prefer "have you considered," "is it possible," "may I posit a thought," etc. Make it a question that invites the person to bring their thinking to the issue and invites them to address the thinking you have, rather than try to impose your thinking on them as a self-appointed expert.
I needed this. I never rthought about this. But I’ve caught my self twice today already Thank you Adam.