As an extremely lonely, socially isolated 35 year old woman I wish I could give you a hug and be your friend. Your videos help me realize my feelings are okay I'm not so alone.
You would like a hug. Don't displace that need onto someone else so you can feel safe to "get a hug out of it." That would be lacklustre in emotional satisfaction, and you would probably end up feeling gross for asking, and, whatever yucky, boundary blending hug you would get out of it would not be worth it. You want a genuinely shared hug. You are saying you want to give a hug to be safe. But it comes across as creepy because it isn't your true desire. You want to be cared for, thought fondly of, and to be wanted and included by others. Not to serve them in order to receive affection. Just ask for a hug. In a genuine, earnest way, to a healthy person in your life, you will receive one. Then you need to let their affection be felt by you in the measure they give it. Not in the amount you wish for so much. The former scenario is reality. The latter is desperate energy. Only one can be the ground upon which a foundation of trust can even dream of being built. And, if there is no immediate "result" from this genuinely shared event of mutual affection, ie if it is a mere hug and that is all, no friendship ensues, Don't sweat it. I know that is hard, but don't sweat it. Nothing positive will come from pumping negative energies of hope and resentment and saddness into this person's realm.
I definitely relate to the hyper-vigilant "when will the other shoe drop?" response to happiness as a result of repeated trauma, to the point where I'm just kind of resigned and not trying to find happiness anymore.
I will often break into tears when I feel someone has given me a genuine compliment or when my counsellor gets me to admit do something I’m proud of. It’s like I can’t handle the feeling of good about myself.
I definitely relate to the “when will the other shoe drop?” My childhood was always living on edge , walking on eggshells shells..few years went by I got older and I met my bf at 19 and I moved in with him , he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me (: he treats me so well and I wasn’t used to that at first. I’m so used to being yelled at , manipulated , guilt tripped etc.
I too can so relate to that I'm the youngest out of six kids I have four older brothers and one sister and I have one brother who is very violent growing up and at 4 years old he has this grin when he's angry and I thought he was being funny and I was kind of running from him and he was getting madder and madder but smiling more and more and when he finally caught me I was thrown into a wall so at that moment I learned that it is not okay to be happy and happiness means harm so I am very uncomfortable with happiness
You really nailed it. It is so uncomfortable to be happy and it's hard to get out of that comfort zone of being sad and traumatized. Sometimes I feel it is just easier to be depressed because getting past trauma is so hard.
Yes. This is what I have told my therapist once the antidepressants started to really kick in. I was scared to be happy, because that would allow me to actually "shoot for the stars", actually get sh*t done, stay at my next job for the long haul, make long lasting friendships....and that is scary to me. I am so used to "failing" or starting over again and again, that the idea of happiness allowing me to succeed would be a new habit I'd have to learn.
years ago I always said "If I let myself feel happy, something bad will happen" as if I was cursed. I was sabotaging myself. It took lots of work and therapy to change my mindset and realize that even if something bad did happen, better to go into it feeling happy than in constant dread.
I very vividly remember being 14 and realizing that yeah, life has its ups and downs, so that means I shouldn't let myself be happy anymore. If I do, then I'll start hoping, I'll start wanting things and when they inevitably don't go well, I'll just be disappointed, hurt, etc. again. If I don't let myself be happy - if I live in that constant cycle of negative emotions, the change won't be so extreme. I'll expect the worst and won't be shocked or surprised anymore.
If it is possible, explain yourself, explain what you are trying to do. if you regret what you did, let them know. Life is too short to live with regret.
@@benjaccard194 I can totally relate. It’s like the sadness/loneliness/despair has been a close companion for so long that it feels like a loss to phase it out. Like losing a faithful friend, so to speak.
I've suffered for so long that suffering has become a comfort zone I'm afraid to leave. And its basically become my identity which I feel pressured & obligated to uphold by those who know me. Happiness is a foreign feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I also feel like if I allow myself to be happy, as soon as I lower my defenses that's when something bad will happen and I'll be caught unprepared. I do also feel the guilt & unworthiness.
Another thing is I feel like if I allow myself to be happy, this great internal war I've been fighting will be over and I won't know what to do with myself. For the longest time its all I've known. It became a life mission to conquer it. The thought of it being over disturbs and almost depresses me as weird as it sounds, even though the other part of me wants it to be over. I feel like if I beat it then I beat the game and there's nothing left to do but to put it on the shelf. And my life's over. I made it my purpose and without it I have none.
That is me in a nutshell. My therapists have always asked why I'm so afraid to be happy? I grew up in a toxic childhood, not that it's a excuse but it shows the pattern that I'm so familiar with. I don't want to be happy because every time I've done that something awful happened. It takes a toll on your mind and body. I would love to not have constant battles in my head yet that's what I'm used to. I wouldn't wish this on anyone
Being sad or unhappy is my way of getting my emotional needs met from others. I have found that they care more when I'm struggling, so when I'm doing okay, I'm afraid they'll leave me. Working on this in therapy. I hope to be truly happy and secure one day.
That's a very hard way to live. You may want to reexamine your thinking that they will care more when they think you are struggling. That's only your perception.
im the one wanting to be needed not the damsel in distress persona because i see it as weak, eventhough im a woman. its nasty, like being a perpetual child within. human bonds out of lack.
I grew up in a pessimistic home and that feeling of waiting for the other she to drop and a development of self sabotage has always been part of my personality. I’m 56 now and I’m still fighting this. Thank you so much for your videos, they make me feel not so alone.
As someone with BorderlinePD, I believe much of my fear of being happy and "okay" stems from my struggle with fear of abandonment - if I'm okay, people will think I don't need them anymore, I'm all set, and will leave. This has been a core belief of mine for as long as I can remember.
I have never had anyone explain the purest and clearest way of how I function on a very regular basis like I just can’t believe that I’m not the only one.
We as people are emotional creatures. We act based off how we feel and can tend to be nervous or anxious with things such as people places and certain situations with things that are unfamiliar with . Previous events also shape how we react to new or similar things happening.
@@JoeBidenIsMyDaddy I don't think RUclips creators get much choice on what adverts get added to their videos to be honest.. but I don't understand what the issue is ?
Im afraid of not being happy in the rest of my life. So i keep worrying about "searching" for a happy life. Im obsessed with trying to not make the wrong choices or carreer path.
Please don't do what I did. I thought I chose the right career path, but I made a mistake, it was not good for me. I have spent 8 years searching for something that is a better fit for my skills and needs. What I have learnt is that it's so important to try something on a simple small scale. If it doesn't feel aligned to me, decide early on, change and try something else. Don't waste time letting things drag on. Set a timescale for trying things. Even if you find what you don't like, it is information for you. Life is short, remember that when we die, as we all will, life doesn't stop, it continues without us. In your time, what do you want to achieve, to leave as memories for others?
Because the cycle of being scared to make the "wrong" choice can leave us as a default with making no choice. And the status quo is what we are left with.
@@Jo-whoknowshowmany how did you find what you enjoy, I'm doing my final year in a financr degree, nd i just don't think i want to pursue this after, i don't even know where to begin to look for what i should pursue
whenever I’m happy, ecstatic, proud of something etc. my parents and/or sister find something to criticise. they struggle to be happy when other people are because they’re unhappy with themselves. this led me to always expect that either good things won’t happen to me, or that they’ll eventually turn out bad. so in order to avoid my happy bubble being popped, I only tell select people about my accomplishments, love life etc.
You wonderful human being.. I was literally asking the universe for a sign to tell me, what the hell ist wrong with me, and opened up RUclips, in the hopes of getting an answer. Never saw your videos, it was the first time, this popped up. I´ve been through very rough times and an even rougher healing process, but lately, life responds with so many goods and all I can see is pain.. This hit me like an anvil. Thank you
Brene Brown says the scariest and most vulnerable emotion is joy. So ironic, but if you think about it, it's true. We're afraid to fully appreciate what can be taken away, destroyed or eventually disappoint.
I have a different reason why I find myself being afraid to be happy. It attracts toxic people. It happens to me. Take this experience. I'm in a great mood, dancing to the music and enjoying my good mood. Then suddenly a toxic person sees me as a supply and wants to talk to me. Be a friend or in my presence. I just want to be left alone. I feel it easier at times to be in the middle.
Omfg this is what I do, I'm afraid to shine in public because I don't want to attract a toxic person, and when they approach me to talk I shut down and be quiet. 🙄
People tend to remember and feel a loss much more than a gain. So while finding happiness is great, the fear of losing it can interfere with your ability to get or stay in that state of mind.
Kati, sometimes I am just trying to survive the day… I haven’t looked for or desired to be happy for years now…I would be blessed to have people to provide real support but that’s just not reality for everyone. I appreciate and value your content and maybe one day I can relate to this video.
I am so sorry you're going through a difficult time. Taking it one day or moment at a time is totally fine too and I hope this next moment (or day) is a better one. xoxo
be happy you wrote a book because there are loads of writers out there who can’t get a single book out because of this exact pattern you’re talking about or because they have writers block-indeed pertaining to this very pattern. so yes, please accept praise for that and be proud of what you accomplished. for me, this very same pattern of the inner self-destructive mentally lies deep inside. it’s something i’ve tried to break my whole life; so, it’s nice to hear someone talk about it, thank you.
This is what I've been working on in therapy ^^ My inner perfectionist does great things BUt I never allow myself to be proud of me and happy and the complements people give me for those things I just can't except. I definitely always wait for the other shoe to drop and tell myself if I don't start I can't lose. It's honestly ridiculous so I looove that you talk about this. And thank you for being so open about your experience it is great to hear that its not just something I struggle with but a lot of people.
Definitely from trauma, hypervigilance, being unhappy in a stressful living situation for too long and having your romantic relationship end so suddenly and unexpected due to ghosting.
When struggling with addiction our false sense of happiness is based around my drug whatever it may be. When i became sober and worked through my feelings i uncover what it truly means to be happy. Discovering my new self is scary and I sometimes don't like the change because it's uncomfortable but I know it's worth it. I hope this helps someone today.
Thank you for sharing! I’ve had a hard time explaining this to my therapist, because I want to be happy but I find myself fighting it. I’ve had a trauma, mostly in my teen/early twenties. I believe this is why it’s such a challenge because I don’t want to feel weak or vulnerable because I need to be ready when the next thing happens.
I'm honestly no longer afraid to be happy, but the relationships that I have, that mean the most and I am responsible for keep me in a constant state of being stuck or settling. An that's where my dilemma lies: trying to figure out a medium where those most important to me won't have to suffer because what makes me happy will uproot them and make them uncomfortable and possibly very unhappy.
It’s comforting to know other people experience this! I also relate to the feeling of waiting for the other show to drop. It’s hard to recognize my own happiness without also feeling like if I acknowledge it something bad will happen.
Yes, this is me all of the time! I've gotten better at just allowing myself to be in the present moment and not try to cling to the happiness or push it away. But often times when something good happens where I SHOULD feel happy, I just feel nothing at all. Or confused. Like my body just doesn't even know how to feel happy anymore!
It's good knowing that I am not alone in this. I struggle a lot with accepting happiness in my life, I feel I don't deserve anything good in my life. So guilty of being happy, always waiting for the next bad thing to happen
I never have been able to identify what I have been struggling with. but this explains all of it. I am so afraid of happiness but never have been able to understand that. thank you kati - this video truly changed so much for me. I needed this
I think sometimes what's behind cherophobia is the notion that 'what goes up must come down', and that if you just 'stay down' then the fall from grace won't be so dramatic. I think it is often based in childhood trauma, because children are naturally joyful and they experience this 'fall from grace' over and over again (especially if living in stressful/abusive conditions), so by the time we are adults we've learnt/conditioned ourselves to 'stay down'/not let the joy flow unbridled, so that we don't feel that "fall from grace" or "comedown" as intensely as we did as children, when it really crushed our spirit.
I have BPD and in the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. There were tough moments in the beginning but I feel safe with someone for the first time. Plus doing well in my own mental health advocacy online (including winning an award and appearing on multiple podcasts). Yet I feel like something is going to come along and take it all away or that I don’t deserve it. My partner constantly tells me I’m amazing and inspiring but I just can’t handle it.
This definitely resonates. Just the awareness that I feel happy will cause me to sabotage it in proportion to how happy I feel, like I need to punish myself for feeling good. The idea of letting one's guard down makes perfect sense, I have PTSD so letting my guard down is terrifying for this and so many other reasons.
It is better to search for contentment than happiness. Happiness comes and goes. Contentment is more an overall feeling that can overlay ups and downs.
“The other shoe.” Yes! I can relate to this so much. I’ve been married for three years, and I’ve known my wife for five years. She’s my first healthy relationship ever, and I’m still waiting for that other shoe to drop (even though I know it won’t, because Miranda is nothing like my past abusive exes). She knows this is a fear of mine and it makes her sad, but she understands. This video was sooo helpful and resonated with me. You made sense and explained everything well. Thank you, Kati!
Katie I am a young 75 year old and I feel most of my life that whenever I have shared something happy I get a little whisper inside of me that says now that will be challenged and it is so I don’t know if it’s just all in my head or if it’s fate working against me but there are my thoughts on the subject I appreciate you so much my daughter my son thinks I need therapy and you are wonderful
For me, this is one of the most relatable topics you've ever addressed. Feeling happy or hopeful is so foreign that I'm suspicious of my own emotions. For a long time the best, most desirable feeling I've had access to is "relative safety/security," a temporary state of calm waiting for the next catastrophe. Anything beyond that feels dangerously naive, leaving myself open to being caught off guard. It's a problem that resists a solution but I've made progress this year and I'm very grateful. My personal experience of this has been very closely related to the near-total loss of the feeling of uncomplicated joy. For years I was determined that I would force me sense of joy to come from accomplishment and upward mobility in life, literally avoiding anything that felt good but was not tangibly productive to avoid distraction from my goals. In this time I completely lost touch with what actually brings me joy and fulfillment outside of that context, to the point that I've literally forgotten what any of those things are/were. I still have that habit of eschewing any positive feelings unrelated to achievements, so it's hard to know where to even begin. If this is something you would consider addressing in a future video I would be very grateful and I'm sure many others would as well. Thank you for this channel and all of your effort 🙏
Thank you so much for sharing!! I hadn't thought of the angle of focusing on accomplishments over joy or enjoyment. That's a great topic to talk about as well!! xoxo
beautiful.... i guess in that area of functioning, you need social validation/ appreciation to ascertain your accomplishments. 'joy' or dopamine kick comes from people seeing you.
Your comment is well put and very interesting! Thanks for sharing. It just shows how the performance based society can put a cap on people's happiness as they lead us to focus not on joy but on achievment.
I am 55y. My simple take is so many ppl make life a game of manipulation where they want/desire the next person, their sibling...to fail, mess up, or enslave the woman to housework like in decades past.... And no....to survive one doesn't have to be like that based on nature or economics.....but what happens is greed, excess competetion, enslavement can stir up mental issues thus making other things worse. I have felt...."I am good, you are good" type of perception can help address those issues from the start.... Just my two cents....
i'm so glad my therapist recommended your videos to me several years ago. i love being able to search any topic and listen to you talk about it. your method of speaking and relating situations to possible mental illness is so easy to follow and listen to. i lost my grandmother 3 weeks ago and watched your grief videos on the way to the funeral. i had never felt grief before, and never lost anyone in my life. it really helped me to understand how to feel.
This hits me so hard and why I never taught of these. I am beyond afraid of being happy. As if my life is a curse, if I started to feel happy, there will always be unhappy/disastrous moment after that. I guess that this stems from my childhood trauma. When I am happy and cherishing my moment hidden from anyone else, there will always adult/caregiver suddenly yelling or beating me and telling me to stop being happy. Making me forever in my life feel guilty of being happy. My heart is pounding hard every seconds I am writing this comment.
I notice the instant I feel the slightest bit of happiness in my life. My guard immediately goes into overdrive and I shut down the happy feelings. Horror lives in the shadow of happiness, and the shadow becomes encompassing. I'd rather live neutral and disconnected than be a victim of false happiness. Also, I really feel the emotional exaggeration from my ADHD (diagnosed earlier this year, I'm 34) plays a big part in this thought process and way of living. Kati, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and using this platform to help so many people. You give me hope that life can improve, even when I'm uncomfortable with it doing so. 🖤
My experience: Every time I felt that things were "smooth sailing" ( meaning I really believed that things were starting to get better).... "Whammy" out of nowhere - and I was back at square one. Those set-backs or disappointments increased my level of uncertainty (self-doubting and co) as to my judgement ability. That is very frustrating. In sum, alll of those components keep me small and humble. When you're on the ground - or in a gutter, you can't fall much further..... Happiness "is supposed to be" a constant which allows a person to build resilience throughout tough times. When I tried to let happiness become a constant- I got knocked down over and over again. So now I just don't try anymore. I live in a freeze or fawn state - just to exist.
YOU took the words from me. Well said - my new constant is being content in any and all situations that present themselves rather than seeking what the next person has or what those damn social narratives I was brainwashed with early on in life. It stops here. I’m sick of being set up to fail and start all over again because of somebody else taking advantage of me and my success. I’m done.
"Happiness" is not constant and never will be. It's fleeting and usually shows up while we are busy doing something else. Never while searching for it. Now contentment and a sense of well-being can be a constant. Believing we'll be OK no matter what comes along. I understand the sabotage and did it for years. Still do it, but it's getting much better. It's hard to change old habits. Both good and bad things happen in life no matter what. My goal is to enjoy the good as it comes and handle the bad as well as possible. I'm struggling with it a little right now. The stars are lining up and my automatic response is self sabotage. I'm forcing myself to step back, slow down, and think it through. Once I accepted the fact that there's no road to never-ending bliss, the process became easier. Relish the good in life without shooting ourselves in the foot. 😊
When you are recognizing others happiness without judging them as if they deserve to be or not..then your own feeelings will be easily expressed without sabotaging
Oh my goodness! I can relate so much. I do not have cherophobia, but do get nervous when there is no chaos going on. It feels like the calm before the storm. In your mind, you know something is up or something is going to happen. It is a process to take it that "everything is fine, you are safe, no one is going to hurt you". It is ok to take that compliment. It is okay being content.
“That whole belief system needs to be challenged and fact checked”. Brilliantly said, for me this is one of the possible keys towards better getting through this. Thank you for the reminder in a reflection. For me, I hardly take the time to think what happiness means to me. I use to feel so guilty for all the too many mistakes I’ve made, that hurt me and others around me I loved. I choose to manifest every bad thing I could endure and suffer through. Thinking that would or could redeem the things I did, my salvation “hey, hey, hey, do you think they love me now?”. I need to stop here, there’s more here then I thought to get through. I’m a writer, because it’s a way I’ve learned how to heal. I think I need to get some more writing done tonight and through out this week. Thank You Again.
This makes so much fucking sense. I feel scared of life in general. So my healing feels like a tug of war… part of me wants to move through my childhood defense mechanisms. And the other part wants to hide for the rest of my life and just numb out to video games and porn. I recently moved back into my childhood home after a few years of traveling and expansion. I can feel how part of me wants to just live in their basement and hide. Being human is so fascinating…
Thanks for doing what you do. It took me decades to understand why I would get so uncomfortable if not panicky when I had a good day. Part of what spoke to that for me, was how I was always very on edge and anxious, worrying about what may happen, but as soon as something catastrophic happened and all hell broke lose, I suddenly went calm and ready to go. Yes, it was much more comfortable to be in battle than on vacation.
OMG. Kati can read minds (just kidding). This is my life. I've given up on happiness and instead prefer to focus on contentment as I don't believe I can be happy. Many adult children of alcoholics and other family dysfunction cannot even think in terms of being happy. We struggle to survive given the past memories and current thinking and behavioral issues. If something is going good I believe something else will come along and make everything turn bad because it always has. At least I know there is a term for this. Thanks Kati.
I can relate. I don't think it's that much a problem with being happy that it is a problem with peace and being serene and for once not having to face people's problems, because I have been used to people around creating problems for themselves all my life.
Being sober feels like having a lot of extra energy and time and I fear that it will be too much overwhelming for me, that I won’t be able to handle it. I really feel that I will need constantly search for things to do otherwise I will be bored and being bored is exhausting. Falling into habits like taking drugs reduces time and energy and when I feel really off I don’t usually think what to do. So I truely believe that having this extra space just scares me.
this is so true and i feel my experience and emotions represented and articulated extremely accurately. thank you for putting this out there! i dont think this could have been composed any better.
Everything you’re saying here makes sense, and, yes, is helpful. Yes, I do that. It’s the devil you know that feels safe, and makes it hard to break patterns. Thanks for these different ways to think about it.
Hi Kati, I have complex PTSD from years of abuse and definitely struggle with this. I battle feelings of not being deserving of good things and happiness. I am hypervigilant and always looking out for the next bad thing to happen. Also, I have bipolar 2 disorder, so the feeling of happiness always makes me think I’m just going into a hypomanic episode and it’s not real.
I have this exact response to happiness. Happy can be taken away, so it's scary. The contrast of being happy and then losing it is far more painful than just accepting a constant state of yuck. You can't lose anything if you have nothing. I feel this way about people being nice too... like "what are you up to? What's the end game here?" Oddly, I sorta prefer people who aren't good to me because I can trust that what I see is what I get.
For the longest time, I mistakes content for unhappiness. I took a seat & really looked at the things that make me feel joy. The things that give me the happy tingles. And I realized.. I already had it. I redefine my idea of happiness & success and it changed my life.
Thank you for making this video. It is weird to say that you are afraid to be happy, sounds odd but I experience it a lot, and I have a lot of self sabotaging behaviors that ruin everything that I want. And even though I feel very depressed, sometimes I feel more comfortable there because is all that I know. In my case I think that I’m afraid to be happy because I don’t think I deserve it, or I am good enough for it. Glad to know what you think about it.
This is exactly where I'm at right now, I've been in a little of a rut this last couple of weeks and yesterday I suddenly woke up and felt alright. All of today and yesterday I've been walking around thinking "when will I feel bad again?" And almost wishing I could 'cuz I know how it feels to be down and I know how to handle those emotions but feeling excited and happy is not something I'm used to. Therefore I feel scared to be happy - It's weird to explain it to other people so I never talk about it which is why I loved hearing someone else mention it in this video♥️
If anyone is here because of ocd hello me too lol😵💫 its not that happiness feels like inherently uncomfortable to me but i just am scared or worried when im happy because i struggle with like depressive ocd so anytime im happy i immediately get intrusive thoughts like "oh how long will this last" then i get into a cycle of being sad again which is so annoying but yeah ill talk abt it with my therapist lmao but yeah just saying if u are here because of ocd u arent alone🤗
When I remember myself while feeling happy that's when the waiting for the other shoe to drop thing takes over. Other times, I won't be able to relax enough to feel the happy. It's very similar to being afraid to succeed. I think in my case it comes from that fight or flight cycle that we can get stuck in, because we aren't sure that it's ok to put our guard down yet. At the same time, if you were the cause of pain and suffering of someone else, you can stay in that self-sabotaging cycle because you think you're a bad person at the core and that if you allow yourself to feel positive emotions, you might hurt someone again becauae you let your guard down. You are bad, so you don't deserve to feel good things.
Katie, you are a genius...now take this compliment in! I appreciate your openness and vulnability to share. It helps me to realize 'I'm not the only one!" Your honestly is rare.
Yes! You explained exactly how I feel so well! I had a relatively happy childhood, but then things got flipped upside down and everything safe felt like it got taken away. Ever since then I don’t trust happy. I hold my breath expecting something to go wrong, or I sabotage things myself to make that true. I’m pretty new to therapy, and even just the small amount of stuff I’ve been working through, understanding better and trying to heal, makes me nervous to keep going. Being healthy and happy sounds scary, because I don’t remember what that’s like. And I’m used to the chaos I’ve lived in for so long that the idea of things being okay and me having to trust that they’re really okay, sounds terrifying. So all of this video made me feel so seen, and I really appreciate it. I will keep trying to break the cycle, but it’s so hard to believe happiness is real and will stay and that I do deserve to be happy😔🙈
Hope you’ve find happiness since you commented, exact same story I had an amazing childhood then all of a sudden everything started to switch, all of the thing I was fearing happened (loneliness, sadness, loss of a parent) I started to loose hope in happiness, and started to reject it, even tho I was motivated by my goals, I wasn’t truly believing in them cause I was scared of succeeding and feeling happy. I’ve learned to control my emotion and thoughts, you will get what you want cause keep that in mind every person on this planet is capable of achieving anything, keep believing keep manifesting, trick your brain and don’t pay attention to bad thoughts. You are energy, start to practice mindful, start to manifest, start to believe cause the world wants you to succeed, the universe is the mirror of your inner self, you reflect your thoughts. Learn about the laws of universe, and experience life amzing gifts You deserve it as much as me and each living person in this world, visualize and awake yourself 🙌 Wish you an amazing recovery
I can't let myself be happy either. I am also hyper-vigilant all the time! I am future orient! I am expecting something to go wrong. I am so scared to let myself be in the moment.
Happiness is an emotion, just like sadness, joy, bliss, guilt, excitement, anxiety, depression, etc. I wouldn't chase happiness......just like I wouldn't chase depression.
THANK YOU so much for posting this.... I couldn't explain to my "emotional mind" why or what I was feeling, but you explained it so beautifully. I am watching this video again as soon as I post this. I have this core belief of not being safe when I am feeling "happy" for a temporary time...it feels like I am too vulnerable. Thank you so much! You truly make such a difference. I can't afford counselling and find these videos so helpful for my challenges.
4:46 yes! That is it! For me, that's why I am afraid to be Happy, when things are going well I am suspicious and on edge thinking like what is going to go wrong?!
For me it's more specifically a fear of being hopeful. As someone who's in chronic pain from migraines, and a lot of other layered issues from tmj pain, etc, that's been going on for years, poorly and unproperly addressed by doctors, (it's been a long journey) if/when I have a good day, or a surprising couple good days in a row of less pain or almost no pain, I won't admit it or focus on it. I'm almost afraid of like jinxing it, and I won't admit that I feel good to my family or myself sometimes because I don't want to "ruin it" or expect myself to feel good tomorrow as well. Because chances are, I won't, and I'm just so exhausted with feeling disappointed...I think I do associate a sort of "danger" with acknowledging when I have a good day because the migraines are so unpredictable and can last for weeks. So this felt like a very similar vein.
My sister suffers from migraines too and her neurologist is treating her with botox injections. It works really well for her. Just telling you in case you would like to give it a go. Best wishes!!!
I can relate. In the back of my.mind, I do wonder when the other shoes will drop. I know this is an irrational thought, probably a little superstitious and very unhelpful. I'm so afraid of making a decision and having it turn out poorly too. I fight being crippled by indecision and fear. Great video. I'm also working to break bad relationship cycles too.
Kati, thank you for sharing this. I feel terrified for trying to be happy, especially in public and in certain situations, because I have experienced that when I was happy, exterior forces conspired to rob me of my happiness. I learned to be expressiveness stoic.
Thank you Kati for everything you do. I feel that its easier to be sad then to be happy and eventually be let down and then be sad again. I don’t think I’m able to be truly happy in my life
Sometimes I feel I rely on others and "Things" to make me happy, which can set my self up for disappointment, when the desired effect isn't reached, in turn can create a bias and shielding from trying and avoiding others in order not to experience the same failure.
Yes! Omg that is so common, but knowing we are doing it is often the hardest part! So at least you are aware, and I hope you can find a therapist to help you work through it. xoxo
I love this video! For me there are at least three reasons that I can identify (although I'm not as scared of it now as I used to be). One is what you mention about trauma and hypervigilance; I feel (I don't conciously think it) that something bad will eventually happen, and waiting for it is worse than actually experiencing it, so it's better to just get that bad thing over with. Another is that it feels like being happy means my pain isn't real after all, so it feels like it would invalidate everything I've struggled so hard to get through. Like betraying myself somehow. A third is that I've been struggling with depression and c-ptsd for such a large part of my life that it's hard for me to tease out what is me and what is my illness, and it feels like I wouldn't be me anymore if I was just happy. Which feels like a loosing game, because I could go on being me and be depressed (and maybe eventually commit suicide), or I could be happy as some other person, which would be a different kind of suicide, but a suicide all the same. All of this is probably cognitive distortions though (yes, I'm reading your book Traumatized now 😊 ) and it's not true. I can be me and be happy, and I deserve it after going through all that pain!
In the past I’ve been afraid to say I’m happy like the world is going to take it away if I admit it, or I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve gotten better with allowing myself to feel happy and not worry about the next feeling.
Exactly. Happiness doesn't "feel right" to me, I'm always cautious even in happy moments ... when's the other shoe going to drop? I'm in the process right now recovering from narcissistic abuse in which the lesson everyday was "you're not important." Combined with the invisibility of my childhood, regarding myself as not important is second nature to me. Yes, this video makes sense. It's good to see that you are addressing this to help folks like me. Thank you very much.
being happy reminds me of what a failure i am and how i could have been happy for the past decade, and i could have therefore been succesful... it reminds me of how depressed i spent my 20s and how happy everyone else spent their 20s and how they got married and had kids, and i was just miserable and going from one unenjoyable situation to the next..it reminds me how they had a great time in college and i had a miserable one cuz i listened to my mom on where to go. it reminds me how they bought their first house in their 20s with their husbands and are mature adults now,....it reminds me of what a disaster i am when i finally chose to be happy... makes me have a consequential nervous breakdown
Thank you for sharing! You put it in a very clear way, and I am so grateful for co-thinking. :) It is definitely about the boundaries for me. Whenever I would laugh out loud as a child, my father would say that laughing is a sign of an idiot. Whenever I would show my creative works, he would say something critical, and disregard that as children we learn, we can't possibly be perfect with our first creative works. Lots and lots of traumatic moments related to just being me. And obviously, there is a whole system of beliefs concerning how being me and being creative and being happy can lead to something bad. I am working with those beliefs and fixing the fear of abandonment and shame.
Im afraid of being happy, because I fear that as soon as I get comfortable, something bad will happen. I've had so many family members pass last year. I'm so afraid of losing my loved ones as soon as I begin to feel "relaxed" in life.
As an extremely lonely, socially isolated 35 year old woman I wish I could give you a hug and be your friend. Your videos help me realize my feelings are okay I'm not so alone.
Sending you a hug! Hope it makes you a little less lonely 🙂❤️
Dropping by to say hello too I feel the same way ❤️ from one lonely person to another, hello 👋
Socially isolated? ...that sounds so bizarre and unreal to me.
Im 33 and I understand...just wanted you to know you're not alone
You would like a hug.
Don't displace that need onto someone else so you can feel safe to "get a hug out of it."
That would be lacklustre in emotional satisfaction, and you would probably end up feeling gross for asking, and, whatever yucky, boundary blending hug you would get out of it would not be worth it.
You want a genuinely shared hug.
You are saying you want to give a hug to be safe.
But it comes across as creepy because it isn't your true desire.
You want to be cared for, thought fondly of, and to be wanted and included by others.
Not to serve them in order to receive affection.
Just ask for a hug.
In a genuine, earnest way, to a healthy person in your life, you will receive one.
Then you need to let their affection be felt by you in the measure they give it.
Not in the amount you wish for so much.
The former scenario is reality.
The latter is desperate energy.
Only one can be the ground upon which a foundation of trust can even dream of being built.
And, if there is no immediate "result" from this genuinely shared event of mutual affection, ie if it is a mere hug and that is all, no friendship ensues,
Don't sweat it.
I know that is hard, but don't sweat it.
Nothing positive will come from pumping negative energies of hope and resentment and saddness into this person's realm.
I definitely relate to the hyper-vigilant "when will the other shoe drop?" response to happiness as a result of repeated trauma, to the point where I'm just kind of resigned and not trying to find happiness anymore.
I can definitely relate to this.
When you realize you're on a "happy streak" is the worst. Then your brain goes, "wait...this is good. TOO good."
@@davidgreer4790 Yeah, when that happens it feels like I'm flipping a coin every day...it's gonna come up tails eventually.
🤗 Hugs
Precisely: it starts smelling like a trap…
I will often break into tears when I feel someone has given me a genuine compliment or when my counsellor gets me to admit do something I’m proud of. It’s like I can’t handle the feeling of good about myself.
I definitely relate to the “when will the other shoe drop?” My childhood was always living on edge , walking on eggshells shells..few years went by I got older and I met my bf at 19 and I moved in with him , he is the best thing that’s ever happened to me (: he treats me so well and I wasn’t used to that at first. I’m so used to being yelled at , manipulated , guilt tripped etc.
Omggg I feel you😭🤍
Same exact story for me. Learning to be comfortable in discomfort
I too can so relate to that I'm the youngest out of six kids I have four older brothers and one sister and I have one brother who is very violent growing up and at 4 years old he has this grin when he's angry and I thought he was being funny and I was kind of running from him and he was getting madder and madder but smiling more and more and when he finally caught me I was thrown into a wall so at that moment I learned that it is not okay to be happy and happiness means harm so I am very uncomfortable with happiness
Same here I feel that if something good happens then something bad will happen to balance it out.
Same here, currently moving in with the love of my life and I’m getting therapy for the trauma!
You really nailed it. It is so uncomfortable to be happy and it's hard to get out of that comfort zone of being sad and traumatized. Sometimes I feel it is just easier to be depressed because getting past trauma is so hard.
Yes. This is what I have told my therapist once the antidepressants started to really kick in. I was scared to be happy, because that would allow me to actually "shoot for the stars", actually get sh*t done, stay at my next job for the long haul, make long lasting friendships....and that is scary to me. I am so used to "failing" or starting over again and again, that the idea of happiness allowing me to succeed would be a new habit I'd have to learn.
Thank you for posting this. It really resonates with me.
This really resonates with me too - how did it go in therapy? Did you get over the fear of being happy? I need a success story 😄
years ago I always said "If I let myself feel happy, something bad will happen" as if I was cursed. I was sabotaging myself. It took lots of work and therapy to change my mindset and realize that even if something bad did happen, better to go into it feeling happy than in constant dread.
I very vividly remember being 14 and realizing that yeah, life has its ups and downs, so that means I shouldn't let myself be happy anymore. If I do, then I'll start hoping, I'll start wanting things and when they inevitably don't go well, I'll just be disappointed, hurt, etc. again. If I don't let myself be happy - if I live in that constant cycle of negative emotions, the change won't be so extreme. I'll expect the worst and won't be shocked or surprised anymore.
This is so timely for me. Just self sabotaged a whole relationship I was developing just to stay in the comfort of sadness.
I journal about this a lot, I think I’d rather understand my problems than solve them lol.
@@benjaccard194 I am so sorry you're going through that, but I hope this video and the comments are helpful :) xoxo
If it is possible, explain yourself, explain what you are trying to do. if you regret what you did, let them know. Life is too short to live with regret.
@@benjaccard194 I can totally relate. It’s like the sadness/loneliness/despair has been a close companion for so long that it feels like a loss to phase it out. Like losing a faithful friend, so to speak.
Awe :( hearts out to you 💖
I've suffered for so long that suffering has become a comfort zone I'm afraid to leave. And its basically become my identity which I feel pressured & obligated to uphold by those who know me. Happiness is a foreign feeling that makes me uncomfortable. I also feel like if I allow myself to be happy, as soon as I lower my defenses that's when something bad will happen and I'll be caught unprepared. I do also feel the guilt & unworthiness.
Another thing is I feel like if I allow myself to be happy, this great internal war I've been fighting will be over and I won't know what to do with myself. For the longest time its all I've known. It became a life mission to conquer it. The thought of it being over disturbs and almost depresses me as weird as it sounds, even though the other part of me wants it to be over. I feel like if I beat it then I beat the game and there's nothing left to do but to put it on the shelf. And my life's over. I made it my purpose and without it I have none.
That is me in a nutshell. My therapists have always asked why I'm so afraid to be happy? I grew up in a toxic childhood, not that it's a excuse but it shows the pattern that I'm so familiar with. I don't want to be happy because every time I've done that something awful happened. It takes a toll on your mind and body. I would love to not have constant battles in my head yet that's what I'm used to. I wouldn't wish this on anyone
This was one of my biggest issues. It’s tough to get past.
It really is!! But hopefully just understanding where it's coming from for you is helpful. xoxo
Being sad or unhappy is my way of getting my emotional needs met from others. I have found that they care more when I'm struggling, so when I'm doing okay, I'm afraid they'll leave me. Working on this in therapy. I hope to be truly happy and secure one day.
OMGGG YES
I FELT SO HARD
That's a very hard way to live. You may want to reexamine your thinking that they will care more when they think you are struggling. That's only your perception.
im the one wanting to be needed not the damsel in distress persona because i see it as weak, eventhough im a woman. its nasty, like being a perpetual child within.
human bonds out of lack.
I grew up in a pessimistic home and that feeling of waiting for the other she to drop and a development of self sabotage has always been part of my personality. I’m 56 now and I’m still fighting this. Thank you so much for your videos, they make me feel not so alone.
Hey, just wanna say go you for fighting the good fight
I’m 53 and in the same place. Finally focusing on my mental health
As someone with BorderlinePD, I believe much of my fear of being happy and "okay" stems from my struggle with fear of abandonment - if I'm okay, people will think I don't need them anymore, I'm all set, and will leave. This has been a core belief of mine for as long as I can remember.
I have never had anyone explain the purest and clearest way of how I function on a very regular basis like I just can’t believe that I’m not the only one.
We as people are emotional creatures. We act based off how we feel and can tend to be nervous or anxious with things such as people places and certain situations with things that are unfamiliar with . Previous events also shape how we react to new or similar things happening.
Totally agree! xox
@@Katimorton disliked the video because there was a black girl in the ad before the video. do a better job
@@JoeBidenIsMyDaddy I don't think RUclips creators get much choice on what adverts get added to their videos to be honest.. but I don't understand what the issue is ?
@@JoeBidenIsMyDaddy wtf
"We as people are emotional creatures."
I am not emotional, nor am I a creature: we evolved; we were not "created."
Im afraid of not being happy in the rest of my life. So i keep worrying about "searching" for a happy life. Im obsessed with trying to not make the wrong choices or carreer path.
I totally know what you mean.. it can lead to a lot of worry about whether or not we are making the right decisions for our future. xoxo
Please don't do what I did. I thought I chose the right career path, but I made a mistake, it was not good for me. I have spent 8 years searching for something that is a better fit for my skills and needs. What I have learnt is that it's so important to try something on a simple small scale. If it doesn't feel aligned to me, decide early on, change and try something else. Don't waste time letting things drag on. Set a timescale for trying things. Even if you find what you don't like, it is information for you. Life is short, remember that when we die, as we all will, life doesn't stop, it continues without us. In your time, what do you want to achieve, to leave as memories for others?
Because the cycle of being scared to make the "wrong" choice can leave us as a default with making no choice. And the status quo is what we are left with.
@@Jo-whoknowshowmany how did you find what you enjoy, I'm doing my final year in a financr degree, nd i just don't think i want to pursue this after, i don't even know where to begin to look for what i should pursue
I don't want to become happy and have it stripped from me. Going backwards like that is one of the worst things I've ever experienced.
whenever I’m happy, ecstatic, proud of something etc. my parents and/or sister find something to criticise. they struggle to be happy when other people are because they’re unhappy with themselves. this led me to always expect that either good things won’t happen to me, or that they’ll eventually turn out bad. so in order to avoid my happy bubble being popped, I only tell select people about my accomplishments, love life etc.
You wonderful human being..
I was literally asking the universe for a sign to tell me, what the hell ist wrong with me, and opened up RUclips, in the hopes of getting an answer.
Never saw your videos, it was the first time, this popped up.
I´ve been through very rough times and an even rougher healing process, but lately, life responds with so many goods and all I can see is pain..
This hit me like an anvil. Thank you
Brene Brown says the scariest and most vulnerable emotion is joy. So ironic, but if you think about it, it's true. We're afraid to fully appreciate what can be taken away, destroyed or eventually disappoint.
I have a different reason why I find myself being afraid to be happy.
It attracts toxic people.
It happens to me.
Take this experience.
I'm in a great mood, dancing to the music and enjoying my good mood.
Then suddenly a toxic person sees me as a supply and wants to talk to me. Be a friend or in my presence.
I just want to be left alone. I feel it easier at times to be in the middle.
Omfg this is what I do, I'm afraid to shine in public because I don't want to attract a toxic person, and when they approach me to talk I shut down and be quiet. 🙄
People tend to remember and feel a loss much more than a gain. So while finding happiness is great, the fear of losing it can interfere with your ability to get or stay in that state of mind.
Kati, sometimes I am just trying to survive the day… I haven’t looked for or desired to be happy for years now…I would be blessed to have people to provide real support but that’s just not reality for everyone. I appreciate and value your content and maybe one day I can relate to this video.
I'm with you brother. One day at a time.
I am so sorry you're going through a difficult time. Taking it one day or moment at a time is totally fine too and I hope this next moment (or day) is a better one. xoxo
When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding." Couldn’t agree with this more.
be happy you wrote a book because there are loads of writers out there who can’t get a single book out because of this exact pattern you’re talking about or because they have writers block-indeed pertaining to this very pattern. so yes, please accept praise for that and be proud of what you accomplished.
for me, this very same pattern of the inner self-destructive mentally lies deep inside. it’s something i’ve tried to break my whole life; so, it’s nice to hear someone talk about it, thank you.
This is what I've been working on in therapy ^^
My inner perfectionist does great things BUt I never allow myself to be proud of me and happy and the complements people give me for those things I just can't except.
I definitely always wait for the other shoe to drop and tell myself if I don't start I can't lose. It's honestly ridiculous so I looove that you talk about this. And thank you for being so open about your experience it is great to hear that its not just something I struggle with but a lot of people.
Definitely from trauma, hypervigilance, being unhappy in a stressful living situation for too long and having your romantic relationship end so suddenly and unexpected due to ghosting.
I have thought for a long time no one else feels like this! Thank you for this video! You have such an amazing way of explaining things 🥰
Kati, I needed this. Thank you.
You are so welcome! Glad it was helpful.
When struggling with addiction our false sense of happiness is based around my drug whatever it may be. When i became sober and worked through my feelings i uncover what it truly means to be happy. Discovering my new self is scary and I sometimes don't like the change because it's uncomfortable but I know it's worth it. I hope this helps someone today.
Thank you so much for sharing!! I know this will help so many people :) xoxo
Helpful to read thank you
I'm a recovering addict as well and this is spot on! Wishing you well, friend.
Thank you for sharing! I’ve had a hard time explaining this to my therapist, because I want to be happy but I find myself fighting it. I’ve had a trauma, mostly in my teen/early twenties. I believe this is why it’s such a challenge because I don’t want to feel weak or vulnerable because I need to be ready when the next thing happens.
I'm honestly no longer afraid to be happy, but the relationships that I have, that mean the most and I am responsible for keep me in a constant state of being stuck or settling. An that's where my dilemma lies: trying to figure out a medium where those most important to me won't have to suffer because what makes me happy will uproot them and make them uncomfortable and possibly very unhappy.
It’s comforting to know other people experience this! I also relate to the feeling of waiting for the other show to drop. It’s hard to recognize my own happiness without also feeling like if I acknowledge it something bad will happen.
Yes, this is me all of the time! I've gotten better at just allowing myself to be in the present moment and not try to cling to the happiness or push it away. But often times when something good happens where I SHOULD feel happy, I just feel nothing at all. Or confused. Like my body just doesn't even know how to feel happy anymore!
It's good knowing that I am not alone in this. I struggle a lot with accepting happiness in my life, I feel I don't deserve anything good in my life. So guilty of being happy, always waiting for the next bad thing to happen
I never have been able to identify what I have been struggling with. but this explains all of it. I am so afraid of happiness but never have been able to understand that. thank you kati - this video truly changed so much for me. I needed this
I think sometimes what's behind cherophobia is the notion that 'what goes up must come down', and that if you just 'stay down' then the fall from grace won't be so dramatic. I think it is often based in childhood trauma, because children are naturally joyful and they experience this 'fall from grace' over and over again (especially if living in stressful/abusive conditions), so by the time we are adults we've learnt/conditioned ourselves to 'stay down'/not let the joy flow unbridled, so that we don't feel that "fall from grace" or "comedown" as intensely as we did as children, when it really crushed our spirit.
I have BPD and in the happiest, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. There were tough moments in the beginning but I feel safe with someone for the first time. Plus doing well in my own mental health advocacy online (including winning an award and appearing on multiple podcasts). Yet I feel like something is going to come along and take it all away or that I don’t deserve it. My partner constantly tells me I’m amazing and inspiring but I just can’t handle it.
That's great. Is your partner your FP? How does your partner cope with you splitting?
This definitely resonates. Just the awareness that I feel happy will cause me to sabotage it in proportion to how happy I feel, like I need to punish myself for feeling good. The idea of letting one's guard down makes perfect sense, I have PTSD so letting my guard down is terrifying for this and so many other reasons.
Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't all these years.
Of course!! I am so glad the video was helpful :) xoxo
@@Katimorton I didn't even know that this was an actual thing. I'm learning so much and that has helped immensely. Thank you
It is better to search for contentment than happiness. Happiness comes and goes. Contentment is more an overall feeling that can overlay ups and downs.
“The other shoe.” Yes! I can relate to this so much. I’ve been married for three years, and I’ve known my wife for five years. She’s my first healthy relationship ever, and I’m still waiting for that other shoe to drop (even though I know it won’t, because Miranda is nothing like my past abusive exes). She knows this is a fear of mine and it makes her sad, but she understands.
This video was sooo helpful and resonated with me. You made sense and explained everything well. Thank you, Kati!
I’m so happy for you that you have someone who treats you with love!❤️
No good deed goes unpunished. In life, that can be soul crushing.
Katie I am a young 75 year old and I feel most of my life that whenever I have shared something happy I get a little whisper inside of me that says now that will be challenged and it is so I don’t know if it’s just all in my head or if it’s fate working against me but there are my thoughts on the subject I appreciate you so much my daughter my son thinks I need therapy and you are wonderful
I was once told that we can do all the self-work we need and find ourselves in a good place and once we're there the hardest thing to be is happy.
For me, this is one of the most relatable topics you've ever addressed. Feeling happy or hopeful is so foreign that I'm suspicious of my own emotions. For a long time the best, most desirable feeling I've had access to is "relative safety/security," a temporary state of calm waiting for the next catastrophe. Anything beyond that feels dangerously naive, leaving myself open to being caught off guard. It's a problem that resists a solution but I've made progress this year and I'm very grateful.
My personal experience of this has been very closely related to the near-total loss of the feeling of uncomplicated joy. For years I was determined that I would force me sense of joy to come from accomplishment and upward mobility in life, literally avoiding anything that felt good but was not tangibly productive to avoid distraction from my goals. In this time I completely lost touch with what actually brings me joy and fulfillment outside of that context, to the point that I've literally forgotten what any of those things are/were. I still have that habit of eschewing any positive feelings unrelated to achievements, so it's hard to know where to even begin. If this is something you would consider addressing in a future video I would be very grateful and I'm sure many others would as well. Thank you for this channel and all of your effort 🙏
Thank you so much for sharing!! I hadn't thought of the angle of focusing on accomplishments over joy or enjoyment. That's a great topic to talk about as well!! xoxo
This resonates with me too
I resonate and agree with everything you said.
beautiful....
i guess in that area of functioning, you need social validation/ appreciation to ascertain your accomplishments. 'joy' or dopamine kick comes from people seeing you.
Your comment is well put and very interesting! Thanks for sharing. It just shows how the performance based society can put a cap on people's happiness as they lead us to focus not on joy but on achievment.
I am 55y. My simple take is so many ppl make life a game of manipulation where they want/desire the next person, their sibling...to fail, mess up, or enslave the woman to housework like in decades past....
And no....to survive one doesn't have to be like that based on nature or economics.....but what happens is greed, excess competetion, enslavement can stir up mental issues thus making other things worse.
I have felt...."I am good, you are good" type of perception can help address those issues from the start....
Just my two cents....
i'm so glad my therapist recommended your videos to me several years ago. i love being able to search any topic and listen to you talk about it. your method of speaking and relating situations to possible mental illness is so easy to follow and listen to. i lost my grandmother 3 weeks ago and watched your grief videos on the way to the funeral. i had never felt grief before, and never lost anyone in my life. it really helped me to understand how to feel.
Every time I have been happy and feeling joyous, someone comes along and snuffs it out. So, I def. hide my happiness from others, including family.
This hits me so hard and why I never taught of these. I am beyond afraid of being happy. As if my life is a curse, if I started to feel happy, there will always be unhappy/disastrous moment after that. I guess that this stems from my childhood trauma. When I am happy and cherishing my moment hidden from anyone else, there will always adult/caregiver suddenly yelling or beating me and telling me to stop being happy. Making me forever in my life feel guilty of being happy. My heart is pounding hard every seconds I am writing this comment.
I notice the instant I feel the slightest bit of happiness in my life. My guard immediately goes into overdrive and I shut down the happy feelings. Horror lives in the shadow of happiness, and the shadow becomes encompassing. I'd rather live neutral and disconnected than be a victim of false happiness. Also, I really feel the emotional exaggeration from my ADHD (diagnosed earlier this year, I'm 34) plays a big part in this thought process and way of living.
Kati, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and using this platform to help so many people. You give me hope that life can improve, even when I'm uncomfortable with it doing so. 🖤
My experience: Every time I felt that things were "smooth sailing" ( meaning I really believed that things were starting to get better).... "Whammy" out of nowhere - and I was back at square one. Those set-backs or disappointments increased my level of uncertainty (self-doubting and co) as to my judgement ability. That is very frustrating. In sum, alll of those components keep me small and humble. When you're on the ground - or in a gutter, you can't fall much further.....
Happiness "is supposed to be" a constant which allows a person to build resilience throughout tough times.
When I tried to let happiness become a constant- I got knocked down over and over again. So now I just don't try anymore. I live in a freeze or fawn state - just to exist.
That was so well said. You picked the thoughts out of my brain and articulated them here.
@@AutumnS264 - I feel with you *hug*
YOU took the words from me. Well said - my new constant is being content in any and all situations that present themselves rather than seeking what the next person has or what those damn social narratives I was brainwashed with early on in life. It stops here. I’m sick of being set up to fail and start all over again because of somebody else taking advantage of me and my success. I’m done.
Same here
"Happiness" is not constant and never will be. It's fleeting and usually shows up while we are busy doing something else. Never while searching for it. Now contentment and a sense of well-being can be a constant. Believing we'll be OK no matter what comes along. I understand the sabotage and did it for years. Still do it, but it's getting much better. It's hard to change old habits. Both good and bad things happen in life no matter what. My goal is to enjoy the good as it comes and handle the bad as well as possible. I'm struggling with it a little right now. The stars are lining up and my automatic response is self sabotage. I'm forcing myself to step back, slow down, and think it through. Once I accepted the fact that there's no road to never-ending bliss, the process became easier. Relish the good in life without shooting ourselves in the foot. 😊
When you are recognizing others happiness without judging them as if they deserve to be or not..then your own feeelings will be easily expressed without sabotaging
True happiness is SHOWING SELF-RESPECT, SELF- Caring. Safety, contentment. Satisfaction, satisfied. CALM. SECURITY!!! IS HAPPINESS 😊😊😊💛💛💛💛👍👍👍👍👍
Oh my goodness! I can relate so much. I do not have cherophobia, but do get nervous when there is no chaos going on. It feels like the calm before the storm. In your mind, you know something is up or something is going to happen. It is a process to take it that "everything is fine, you are safe, no one is going to hurt you". It is ok to take that compliment. It is okay being content.
“That whole belief system needs to be challenged and fact checked”. Brilliantly said, for me this is one of the possible keys towards better getting through this. Thank you for the reminder in a reflection. For me, I hardly take the time to think what happiness means to me. I use to feel so guilty for all the too many mistakes I’ve made, that hurt me and others around me I loved. I choose to manifest every bad thing I could endure and suffer through. Thinking that would or could redeem the things I did, my salvation “hey, hey, hey, do you think they love me now?”. I need to stop here, there’s more here then I thought to get through. I’m a writer, because it’s a way I’ve learned how to heal. I think I need to get some more writing done tonight and through out this week. Thank You Again.
This makes so much fucking sense.
I feel scared of life in general.
So my healing feels like a tug of war… part of me wants to move through my childhood defense mechanisms.
And the other part wants to hide for the rest of my life and just numb out to video games and porn.
I recently moved back into my childhood home after a few years of traveling and expansion.
I can feel how part of me wants to just live in their basement and hide.
Being human is so fascinating…
This has been the video I needed to see lately. Yes, it's scary to be happy oftentimes
Thanks for doing what you do. It took me decades to understand why I would get so uncomfortable if not panicky when I had a good day. Part of what spoke to that for me, was how I was always very on edge and anxious, worrying about what may happen, but as soon as something catastrophic happened and all hell broke lose, I suddenly went calm and ready to go. Yes, it was much more comfortable to be in battle than on vacation.
OMG. Kati can read minds (just kidding). This is my life. I've given up on happiness and instead prefer to focus on contentment as I don't believe I can be happy. Many adult children of alcoholics and other family dysfunction cannot even think in terms of being happy. We struggle to survive given the past memories and current thinking and behavioral issues. If something is going good I believe something else will come along and make everything turn bad because it always has. At least I know there is a term for this. Thanks Kati.
I can relate. I don't think it's that much a problem with being happy that it is a problem with peace and being serene and for once not having to face people's problems, because I have been used to people around creating problems for themselves all my life.
Being sober feels like having a lot of extra energy and time and I fear that it will be too much overwhelming for me, that I won’t be able to handle it. I really feel that I will need constantly search for things to do otherwise I will be bored and being bored is exhausting. Falling into habits like taking drugs reduces time and energy and when I feel really off I don’t usually think what to do. So I truely believe that having this extra space just scares me.
this is so true and i feel my experience and emotions represented and articulated extremely accurately. thank you for putting this out there! i dont think this could have been composed any better.
Yep. Always been this way for me. Afraid of feeling happy, safe, connected. My brain shuts it down, because it will just get ripped away from me. :/
Kati thank you for being amazing and so real and honest with us
Of course!!! I hope it's helpful :) xoxo
Everything you’re saying here makes sense, and, yes, is helpful. Yes, I do that. It’s the devil you know that feels safe, and makes it hard to break patterns. Thanks for these different ways to think about it.
Hi Kati, I have complex PTSD from years of abuse and definitely struggle with this. I battle feelings of not being deserving of good things and happiness. I am hypervigilant and always looking out for the next bad thing to happen. Also, I have bipolar 2 disorder, so the feeling of happiness always makes me think I’m just going into a hypomanic episode and it’s not real.
God yes me too,it gets so confusing doesnt it
I have this exact response to happiness. Happy can be taken away, so it's scary. The contrast of being happy and then losing it is far more painful than just accepting a constant state of yuck. You can't lose anything if you have nothing. I feel this way about people being nice too... like "what are you up to? What's the end game here?" Oddly, I sorta prefer people who aren't good to me because I can trust that what I see is what I get.
Kati, you've helped me so much on my mental health journey. Thank you for providing us with your own struggles, makes me feel less alone.
For the longest time, I mistakes content for unhappiness. I took a seat & really looked at the things that make me feel joy. The things that give me the happy tingles. And I realized.. I already had it. I redefine my idea of happiness & success and it changed my life.
Thank you for making this video. It is weird to say that you are afraid to be happy, sounds odd but I experience it a lot, and I have a lot of self sabotaging behaviors that ruin everything that I want. And even though I feel very depressed, sometimes I feel more comfortable there because is all that I know. In my case I think that I’m afraid to be happy because I don’t think I deserve it, or I am good enough for it. Glad to know what you think about it.
Brene Brown talks about our fear of happiness being related to shame. Joy is quickly denied related to guilt.
This is exactly where I'm at right now, I've been in a little of a rut this last couple of weeks and yesterday I suddenly woke up and felt alright. All of today and yesterday I've been walking around thinking "when will I feel bad again?" And almost wishing I could 'cuz I know how it feels to be down and I know how to handle those emotions but feeling excited and happy is not something I'm used to. Therefore I feel scared to be happy - It's weird to explain it to other people so I never talk about it which is why I loved hearing someone else mention it in this video♥️
Oh my gawshh i completely get this😭 this happiness is like a foreign emotion, i feel so alienated from it
I hope we both one day can get used to happiness♥️
If anyone is here because of ocd hello me too lol😵💫 its not that happiness feels like inherently uncomfortable to me but i just am scared or worried when im happy because i struggle with like depressive ocd so anytime im happy i immediately get intrusive thoughts like "oh how long will this last" then i get into a cycle of being sad again which is so annoying but yeah ill talk abt it with my therapist lmao but yeah just saying if u are here because of ocd u arent alone🤗
When I remember myself while feeling happy that's when the waiting for the other shoe to drop thing takes over. Other times, I won't be able to relax enough to feel the happy.
It's very similar to being afraid to succeed.
I think in my case it comes from that fight or flight cycle that we can get stuck in, because we aren't sure that it's ok to put our guard down yet.
At the same time, if you were the cause of pain and suffering of someone else, you can stay in that self-sabotaging cycle because you think you're a bad person at the core and that if you allow yourself to feel positive emotions, you might hurt someone again becauae you let your guard down. You are bad, so you don't deserve to feel good things.
Katie, you are a genius...now take this compliment in! I appreciate your openness and vulnability to share. It helps me to realize 'I'm not the only one!" Your honestly is rare.
Yes! You explained exactly how I feel so well! I had a relatively happy childhood, but then things got flipped upside down and everything safe felt like it got taken away. Ever since then I don’t trust happy. I hold my breath expecting something to go wrong, or I sabotage things myself to make that true. I’m pretty new to therapy, and even just the small amount of stuff I’ve been working through, understanding better and trying to heal, makes me nervous to keep going. Being healthy and happy sounds scary, because I don’t remember what that’s like. And I’m used to the chaos I’ve lived in for so long that the idea of things being okay and me having to trust that they’re really okay, sounds terrifying. So all of this video made me feel so seen, and I really appreciate it. I will keep trying to break the cycle, but it’s so hard to believe happiness is real and will stay and that I do deserve to be happy😔🙈
Hope you’ve find happiness since you commented, exact same story I had an amazing childhood then all of a sudden everything started to switch, all of the thing I was fearing happened (loneliness, sadness, loss of a parent)
I started to loose hope in happiness, and started to reject it, even tho I was motivated by my goals, I wasn’t truly believing in them cause I was scared of succeeding and feeling happy.
I’ve learned to control my emotion and thoughts, you will get what you want cause keep that in mind every person on this planet is capable of achieving anything, keep believing keep manifesting, trick your brain and don’t pay attention to bad thoughts.
You are energy, start to practice mindful, start to manifest, start to believe cause the world wants you to succeed, the universe is the mirror of your inner self, you reflect your thoughts.
Learn about the laws of universe, and experience life amzing gifts
You deserve it as much as me and each living person in this world, visualize and awake yourself 🙌
Wish you an amazing recovery
I can't let myself be happy either. I am also hyper-vigilant all the time! I am future orient! I am expecting something to go wrong. I am so scared to let myself be in the moment.
Happiness is an emotion, just like sadness, joy, bliss, guilt, excitement, anxiety, depression, etc. I wouldn't chase happiness......just like I wouldn't chase depression.
THANK YOU so much for posting this.... I couldn't explain to my "emotional mind" why or what I was feeling, but you explained it so beautifully. I am watching this video again as soon as I post this. I have this core belief of not being safe when I am feeling "happy" for a temporary time...it feels like I am too vulnerable. Thank you so much! You truly make such a difference. I can't afford counselling and find these videos so helpful for my challenges.
Thank you talking about this 💜 it needs to be discussed!
I've been thinking and praying about this all morning. Thank you.
I needed this today, thank you Katie.
Of course :) xoxo
4:46 yes! That is it! For me, that's why I am afraid to be Happy, when things are going well I am suspicious and on edge thinking like what is going to go wrong?!
For me it's more specifically a fear of being hopeful. As someone who's in chronic pain from migraines, and a lot of other layered issues from tmj pain, etc, that's been going on for years, poorly and unproperly addressed by doctors, (it's been a long journey) if/when I have a good day, or a surprising couple good days in a row of less pain or almost no pain, I won't admit it or focus on it. I'm almost afraid of like jinxing it, and I won't admit that I feel good to my family or myself sometimes because I don't want to "ruin it" or expect myself to feel good tomorrow as well. Because chances are, I won't, and I'm just so exhausted with feeling disappointed...I think I do associate a sort of "danger" with acknowledging when I have a good day because the migraines are so unpredictable and can last for weeks. So this felt like a very similar vein.
My sister suffers from migraines too and her neurologist is treating her with botox injections. It works really well for her. Just telling you in case you would like to give it a go. Best wishes!!!
Agreed. When I get that feeling, I can only describe it as "the calm before the storm".
I can relate. In the back of my.mind, I do wonder when the other shoes will drop. I know this is an irrational thought, probably a little superstitious and very unhelpful. I'm so afraid of making a decision and having it turn out poorly too. I fight being crippled by indecision and fear. Great video. I'm also working to break bad relationship cycles too.
I am so glad it was helpful!!! I know it's hard work, but you are totally worth it :) xoxo
Literally me, I'm always waiting and anticipating the worst, because it's comforting and familiar
Kati, thank you for sharing this. I feel terrified for trying to be happy, especially in public and in certain situations, because I have experienced that when I was happy, exterior forces conspired to rob me of my happiness. I learned to be expressiveness stoic.
Every time I’ve been happy I had to wait for the second shoe to drop.
Thank you Kati for everything you do. I feel that its easier to be sad then to be happy and eventually be let down and then be sad again. I don’t think I’m able to be truly happy in my life
Sometimes I feel I rely on others and "Things" to make me happy, which can set my self up for disappointment, when the desired effect isn't reached, in turn can create a bias and shielding from trying and avoiding others in order not to experience the same failure.
Yes! Omg that is so common, but knowing we are doing it is often the hardest part! So at least you are aware, and I hope you can find a therapist to help you work through it. xoxo
@@Katimorton I don't trust therapist, but I wouldn't say I suffer.
I felt that when you say you struggle to absorb good things, i feel the same way like I'm not deserving and worthy of happiness
I love this video! For me there are at least three reasons that I can identify (although I'm not as scared of it now as I used to be). One is what you mention about trauma and hypervigilance; I feel (I don't conciously think it) that something bad will eventually happen, and waiting for it is worse than actually experiencing it, so it's better to just get that bad thing over with. Another is that it feels like being happy means my pain isn't real after all, so it feels like it would invalidate everything I've struggled so hard to get through. Like betraying myself somehow. A third is that I've been struggling with depression and c-ptsd for such a large part of my life that it's hard for me to tease out what is me and what is my illness, and it feels like I wouldn't be me anymore if I was just happy. Which feels like a loosing game, because I could go on being me and be depressed (and maybe eventually commit suicide), or I could be happy as some other person, which would be a different kind of suicide, but a suicide all the same. All of this is probably cognitive distortions though (yes, I'm reading your book Traumatized now 😊 ) and it's not true. I can be me and be happy, and I deserve it after going through all that pain!
In the past I’ve been afraid to say I’m happy like the world is going to take it away if I admit it, or I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve gotten better with allowing myself to feel happy and not worry about the next feeling.
First
woot woot!! xoxo
Exactly. Happiness doesn't "feel right" to me, I'm always cautious even in happy moments ... when's the other shoe going to drop? I'm in the process right now recovering from narcissistic abuse in which the lesson everyday was "you're not important." Combined with the invisibility of my childhood, regarding myself as not important is second nature to me. Yes, this video makes sense. It's good to see that you are addressing this to help folks like me. Thank you very much.
being happy reminds me of what a failure i am and how i could have been happy for the past decade, and i could have therefore been succesful... it reminds me of how depressed i spent my 20s and how happy everyone else spent their 20s and how they got married and had kids, and i was just miserable and going from one unenjoyable situation to the next..it reminds me how they had a great time in college and i had a miserable one cuz i listened to my mom on where to go. it reminds me how they bought their first house in their 20s with their husbands and are mature adults now,....it reminds me of what a disaster i am when i finally chose to be happy... makes me have a consequential nervous breakdown
„I am afraid bc i am so happy. That means it only gets worse.“ - my thoughts when i am finally happy
Thank you for sharing! You put it in a very clear way, and I am so grateful for co-thinking. :) It is definitely about the boundaries for me. Whenever I would laugh out loud as a child, my father would say that laughing is a sign of an idiot. Whenever I would show my creative works, he would say something critical, and disregard that as children we learn, we can't possibly be perfect with our first creative works. Lots and lots of traumatic moments related to just being me. And obviously, there is a whole system of beliefs concerning how being me and being creative and being happy can lead to something bad. I am working with those beliefs and fixing the fear of abandonment and shame.
Im afraid of being happy, because I fear that as soon as I get comfortable, something bad will happen.
I've had so many family members pass last year. I'm so afraid of losing my loved ones as soon as I begin to feel "relaxed" in life.