Thank you so much for this excellent series. It is painful to listen to and yet I’m ready. I have been out of my relationship for six months except for three weeks when I tried going back I now have full family, DV agency, lawyer, police and friend support, and yet the battle continues. I’m listening to these in order to heal and gain a deeper understanding of what I’ve been through. Thank you.
Dr Torna Pitman is a gem. I wish these videos are shown more widely to all. Even for people who have left painful relations decades ago- this is so validating.
The first stage is vulnerability assessment. In this stage, the abuser is assessing your vulnerabilities and developing their strategies for seducing you.
👏👏. Not too many people understand why those women won’t leave ……. We are dealing with narcissists , sociopaths and the worst psychopath and more …..as they use the LOVE BOMBING technique ( witch is actually ABUSE )at the beginning of the “ relationship “ .
Thank you. I’m happy to hear the worst range of of “ coercive control “. This is also crazy. Not crazy making in the real sense. The facts are, narcissists who are really truly sick, around 50 mins in. We all know what she is saying. These ppl are sick. All black and white. WTF? Seems like serious mental problems are at the forefront. They mirror you in the. BEGINNING AND THE END. Two sides? There are mostly more. They act in society as “normal” almost hero’s. They hide in plain sight. RUN THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE A PINK FLAG. Do not wait for Red. It’s a total waste of life. Everyone’s involved. Protect yourself and set serious boundaries like you know you should have in the first place. When you first get “any feeling” something is off. RUN. DO NOT STICK AROUND TO HAVE CHILDREN! This needs to stop NOW. Not after the facts of CPTSD. Thanks for the time and these series. Thank God for Tasmania! Also, to Australia! You guys haven’t nailed down. Please spread the word all across the globe. Keep up the great work! Many thanks once again.!
Ugh! I feel physically sick and my head is pounding as I listen because not only was my last partner like this but also my father and mother's relationship was like this. Even tho I "know" it in my head, here I am with the same awful situation. My mother never found the courage to leave or even heal her life patterns, but I am here and I want to grow and become healthier. I want better for my life. Thank you for these videos, this behavior is so incredibly subtle and disabling.
Glad for this series. I know a lady I think might be going through this. Maybe I can send this to her. As a communications subject I find it curious we don’t ask “what traps her there” instead of “why doesn’t she leave”? Out very language about the question puts the onus of responsibility on her rather than where it should be: on the narcissist or controller. Asking “What traps you there” might be a more specific question that could help the asker find info that could be helpful to the victim, instead of “why do you stay?”
Onus=power in this situation. She DOES have power, even if she can't see it, or feel it, or believe it. Saying, "what traps her there" leaves her powerless to change her situation. Asking, "why does she stay" is not only technically accurate, but it is the question she must answer so that she CAN find her power. That question, when asked with concern and curiosity as opposed to shame, can very well be the thing that helps her begin to find clarity. And help her realize that she only feels or thinks she's trapped. She's not actually trapped. She can find her way out. You must think through the unintended consequences of trying to make people feel better by softening language. A woman that feels trapped needs to hear that she does not have to stay. And she will stay as long as she thinks she has no other choice.
31:26 Still trying to escape the control of the “love” of my life…It took a lot to leave & even more to file when he attacked me after the separation but the police just kept asking, why didn’t I just leave?! And the courts think it was just 1 bad mistake, poor judgement after a divorce, out of love- & coincidence he busted in the door when I had a bf over after work. And NOW, I have had 4 iPhones with targeted malware since 2019…(idk the burners I’ve gonna thru😭) I knew when the camera started itself that he was doing more then reading my emails and coming into the home, caught on camera doing nothing yet he would lie & oh boy did I give him the dopamine rush he wanted when I reacted to the REPEATED betrayals & manipulative tactics to get under my skin where it hurts
@@laurenbatson5918 why not ask, instead, "Do you need somewhere else to stay while you get back on your feet after this?" What I mean is, make it specific. If you get her to think about what specifically ties her to it - is it money? A roof? What she gets from this or needs to get around to get out then she might find a clearer path faster than judgement or shame. You know that guy is only going to comfort her over your judgement and shame so he gets hooks into her deeper. Why drive the nail in?
I didn't accept it. I protested. I pushed. I got an education in spite of intense sabotage. I created my own company. But I still ended up without a job, severely ill and burned out. Mostly because of the toll that his covert, insidious emotional abuse had on me cumulatively over a decade, without me or anyone else realizing it. I understand you, and I agree that being financially dependent/ tied to anyone is a big risk. But very often in a relationship such as this, it is definitely not a choice made with consent, or that one knowingly accepts. It is more like being ensnared over years of being broken down, having your boundaries, values, needs and opinions stripped away without you noticing.
The first stage was believing he liked women. Gentle behavior belying rage and payback to his stepmother and stepsister. He played me like a Soap Opera. I didn’t leave because I wanted to raise my children. His employer provided free legal services. And I never had a bruise and I couldn’t prove NPD
How can we help a loved one who is isolated by a coercive controller? We've tried to help her with housing and legal services but she keeps going back to him. He has a criminal record and history of abuse to other partners. He's vile and treats her terribly. He forbids her from contacting any of us. It is so hard to find any way to help her and I worry so much for her and the children.
She just knows that he will kill her , that’s why…..plus he made her addicted to the rollercoaster emotions by the hot and cold behaviors or bread crumbing …..she just need to stay away from his but she will show signs of chemical dependence …..
@@laurenbatson5918 he forbids her or the kids to see or even talk to me now. I will do whatever I can to learn about trauma bonding so when I finally do get to have contact with her someday I can be and do the best I can to give her meaningful encouragement and support. It's Terrible to see a loved one sell themselves short and sabotage their lives by allowing these lowlife monsters in and take over.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this video. It's exactly how my ex wife was, and my sister, and my last ex, and at least 4 of my female managers / leaders over the years and one male manager. It's a pity you talk in terms of gender and missing the other half of abused people .. oh, and same sex couples (especially F/F, highest rate of IPV) .. it would avoid further victimizing them. You see it very clearly .. but just missing the point that it's not gendered.
I suffered post-separation nonstop domestic violence technology facilitated coercive control by menacing all my electronics. He is highly advanced Hacker diagnosed with ASPD is hell bent on destroying me he also vandalizes me and my friends vehicles when parked in front of my house with in 10 minutes. He breaks in my home no matter what I try to do to keep him out. He makes sure to leave me reminders that he can always break in my home! He’s broken in and had sex with one of his prostitutes. She left her earrings and keychain on dresser next to my bed.
Excellent information based on a sociological viewpoint. The best I've seen. Misogynist entitlrment explains so much of this insidious behavior. Many times from a mommy who was too busy working and could only sweep it u see the rug. Only to come out in a big pile of s#&t, later on.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101Early abuse & neglect in the controller's life...abandonment by the significant caregiver. Usually the mother...but sometimes learned from the father.
A lot of guys want their mate to make $. Both my friend and myself found jobs that were flexible. Unfortunately our employers clawed back benefits so that we had to get babysitters and our narcissists wouldn’t change their work hours. Mary and I would drive together because our rattletraps would break down. My narc loaned my car to his friend.
If someone's asking you to do something that feels wrong within your very gut it probably is and if you probably shouldn't do it. Why would someone who cares about you ask you to do something that was unethical immoral or illegal, compromising your own integrity and values? The answer is they wouldn't. someone who loves you wouldn't knowingly put you or any children in in harm's way.
This is how mothers treat thier babies, who do you think men learned these patterns from? This is absolutely, 100% narcissism, and it isn't rare, it is the infantile condition of neurologically arrested development that occurs in the brains of domesticated animals.
Sounds like a dysfunctional mother / child relationship and / or woman blaming, as if adults are not responsible for their own behavior. The animal comment is not clearly linked to the prior statement, all together leading me to conclude that this comment is rooted in emotion. This is not really an appropriate forum for mother-hating.
Thank you so much for this excellent series. It is painful to listen to and yet I’m ready. I have been out of my relationship for six months except for three weeks when I tried going back I now have full family, DV agency, lawyer, police and friend support, and yet the battle continues. I’m listening to these in order to heal and gain a deeper understanding of what I’ve been through. Thank you.
I support you,i am now 10 months, still some leftovers from the trauma' s , but i am getting there! Wr are getting there, stay strong !
"Hostage behavior," thank you for the clarity!
Dr Torna Pitman is a gem. I wish these videos are shown more widely to all. Even for people who have left painful relations decades ago- this is so validating.
The first stage is vulnerability assessment. In this stage, the abuser is assessing your vulnerabilities and developing their strategies for seducing you.
BTGOG, the narcissist would have had to use another person to seduce me. LOLOL
I saw the red flags early enough, as almost all his acquaintances did.
The most thorough overview I’ve found. Thank you.
Great talk thank you and thank you to the comment section who continues the conversation while providing knowledge
👏👏. Not too many people understand why those women won’t leave ……. We are dealing with narcissists , sociopaths and the worst psychopath and more …..as they use the LOVE BOMBING technique ( witch is actually ABUSE )at the beginning of the “ relationship “ .
I agree. I call it the weaponization of sex and romance. Love has nothing to do with it.
Trauma bond
Stockholm syndrome! People please stop victim blaming. These victims have been shredded.
Thank you. I’m happy to hear the worst range of of “ coercive control “. This is also crazy. Not crazy making in the real sense. The facts are, narcissists who are really truly sick, around 50 mins in. We all know what she is saying. These ppl are sick. All black and white. WTF? Seems like serious mental problems are at the forefront. They mirror you in the. BEGINNING AND THE END. Two sides? There are mostly more. They act in society as “normal” almost hero’s. They hide in plain sight. RUN THE FIRST TIME YOU SEE A PINK FLAG. Do not wait for Red. It’s a total waste of life. Everyone’s involved. Protect yourself and set serious boundaries like you know you should have in the first place. When you first get “any feeling” something is off. RUN. DO NOT STICK AROUND TO HAVE CHILDREN! This needs to stop NOW. Not after the facts of CPTSD.
Thanks for the time and these series.
Thank God for Tasmania! Also, to Australia! You guys haven’t nailed down. Please spread the word all across the globe. Keep up the great work! Many thanks once again.!
Ugh! I feel physically sick and my head is pounding as I listen because not only was my last partner like this but also my father and mother's relationship was like this. Even tho I "know" it in my head, here I am with the same awful situation. My mother never found the courage to leave or even heal her life patterns, but I am here and I want to grow and become healthier. I want better for my life.
Thank you for these videos, this behavior is so incredibly subtle and disabling.
Glad for this series. I know a lady I think might be going through this. Maybe I can send this to her.
As a communications subject I find it curious we don’t ask “what traps her there” instead of “why doesn’t she leave”? Out very language about the question puts the onus of responsibility on her rather than where it should be: on the narcissist or controller. Asking “What traps you there” might be a more specific question that could help the asker find info that could be helpful to the victim, instead of “why do you stay?”
Onus=power in this situation. She DOES have power, even if she can't see it, or feel it, or believe it. Saying, "what traps her there" leaves her powerless to change her situation. Asking, "why does she stay" is not only technically accurate, but it is the question she must answer so that she CAN find her power. That question, when asked with concern and curiosity as opposed to shame, can very well be the thing that helps her begin to find clarity. And help her realize that she only feels or thinks she's trapped. She's not actually trapped. She can find her way out.
You must think through the unintended consequences of trying to make people feel better by softening language. A woman that feels trapped needs to hear that she does not have to stay. And she will stay as long as she thinks she has no other choice.
31:26 Still trying to escape the control of the “love” of my life…It took a lot to leave & even more to file when he attacked me after the separation but the police just kept asking, why didn’t I just leave?! And the courts think it was just 1 bad mistake, poor judgement after a divorce, out of love- &
coincidence he busted in the door when I had a bf over after work.
And NOW, I have had 4 iPhones with targeted malware since 2019…(idk the burners I’ve gonna thru😭) I knew when the camera started itself that he was doing more then reading my emails and coming into the home, caught on camera doing nothing yet he would lie & oh boy did I give him the dopamine rush he wanted when I reacted to the REPEATED betrayals & manipulative tactics to get under my skin where it hurts
@@laurenbatson5918 why not ask, instead, "Do you need somewhere else to stay while you get back on your feet after this?" What I mean is, make it specific. If you get her to think about what specifically ties her to it - is it money? A roof? What she gets from this or needs to get around to get out then she might find a clearer path faster than judgement or shame. You know that guy is only going to comfort her over your judgement and shame so he gets hooks into her deeper. Why drive the nail in?
Not trapped, moved on, but one thing is needed.
@@laurenbatson5918 thank you. This makes sense to me. I am learning and I appreciate your generous teaching.
Yes oh thanks so much for sharing your understanding xoxoxxoxo this hurts so much I pray everyone learns so we can stop this
Education on recognizing a narcissists would be the cure of this and possibly get a background check on them .
@@fishstickbio594 if only the jurisdictions could connect...
Friends and bosses at work do all of this also.
I luv her videos they're the best!
Never accept to be isolated and dependable on other peoples money. That is, in my opinion, the protection number one.
Shared children is the most dangerous and most common strategy.
I didn't accept it. I protested. I pushed. I got an education in spite of intense sabotage. I created my own company. But I still ended up without a job, severely ill and burned out. Mostly because of the toll that his covert, insidious emotional abuse had on me cumulatively over a decade, without me or anyone else realizing it. I understand you, and I agree that being financially dependent/ tied to anyone is a big risk. But very often in a relationship such as this, it is definitely not a choice made with consent, or that one knowingly accepts. It is more like being ensnared over years of being broken down, having your boundaries, values, needs and opinions stripped away without you noticing.
The first stage was believing he liked women. Gentle behavior belying rage and payback to his stepmother and stepsister. He played me like a Soap Opera. I didn’t leave because I wanted to raise my children. His employer provided free legal services. And I never had a bruise and I couldn’t prove NPD
How can we help a loved one who is isolated by a coercive controller? We've tried to help her with housing and legal services but she keeps going back to him. He has a criminal record and history of abuse to other partners. He's vile and treats her terribly. He forbids her from contacting any of us. It is so hard to find any way to help her and I worry so much for her and the children.
She just knows that he will kill her , that’s why…..plus he made her addicted to the rollercoaster emotions by the hot and cold behaviors or bread crumbing …..she just need to stay away from his but she will show signs of chemical dependence …..
She's trauma bonded. It's at least as powerful as a drug addiction. Learn about the trauma bond so you can help her come out of denial.
@@laurenbatson5918 he forbids her or the kids to see or even talk to me now. I will do whatever I can to learn about trauma bonding so when I finally do get to have contact with her someday I can be and do the best I can to give her meaningful encouragement and support. It's Terrible to see a loved one sell themselves short and sabotage their lives by allowing these lowlife monsters in and take over.
@@bookbeing I've seen it. If she doesn't leave she'll be killed. Her mind is butchered. I've been through this.
Could have used a power-point presentation at various stages of this discussion to break up the focus on the presenter.
How do I get hold of you? I would love to talk. You are spot on to what is happening to me!
Isn’t it strange how they all use the same tactics in stages it’s like there using a manual! 🤔
There’s somehow a collective consciousness at play
They literally are always looking for other people like them and teaching each other.
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for this video. It's exactly how my ex wife was, and my sister, and my last ex, and at least 4 of my female managers / leaders over the years and one male manager. It's a pity you talk in terms of gender and missing the other half of abused people .. oh, and same sex couples (especially F/F, highest rate of IPV) .. it would avoid further victimizing them. You see it very clearly .. but just missing the point that it's not gendered.
Wow I love Australians _ waving the red flag_for the rest of the World to take note, a literal corner stone
I suffered post-separation nonstop domestic violence technology facilitated coercive control by menacing all my electronics. He is highly advanced Hacker diagnosed with ASPD is hell bent on destroying me he also vandalizes me and my friends vehicles when parked in front of my house with in 10 minutes. He breaks in my home no matter what I try to do to keep him out. He makes sure to leave me reminders that he can always break in my home! He’s broken in and had sex with one of his prostitutes. She left her earrings and keychain on dresser next to my bed.
Excellent information based on a sociological viewpoint. The best I've seen. Misogynist entitlrment explains so much of this insidious behavior. Many times from a mommy who was too busy working and could only sweep it u see the rug. Only to come out in a big pile of s#&t, later on.
Also, do any of the videos in this series explain what causes the controller to be the way they are?
Lundy Bancroft answers this. Entitlement and a perceived right to enforce.
@@harmonyvaneaton4101Early abuse & neglect in the controller's life...abandonment by the significant caregiver. Usually the mother...but sometimes learned from the father.
In most families, there is abuse by the father that directly leads to the mothers abandonment or neglect of the child.@@kimlec3592
You just described exactly what your government did to you with the jabs.
omg I almost wish mine would just take off and leave me and the kids...
A lot of guys want their mate to make $. Both my friend and myself found jobs that were flexible. Unfortunately our employers clawed back benefits so that we had to get babysitters and our narcissists wouldn’t change their work hours. Mary and I would drive together because our rattletraps would break down. My narc loaned my car to his friend.
CYFD is my coercive controller gaslighting me to kidnap illegally; help
If someone's asking you to do something that feels wrong within your very gut it probably is and if you probably shouldn't do it. Why would someone who cares about you ask you to do something that was unethical immoral or illegal, compromising your own integrity and values? The answer is they wouldn't. someone who loves you wouldn't knowingly put you or any children in in harm's way.
@@bookbeing so true
7:27
This is how mothers treat thier babies, who do you think men learned these patterns from? This is absolutely, 100% narcissism, and it isn't rare, it is the infantile condition of neurologically arrested development that occurs in the brains of domesticated animals.
Sounds like a dysfunctional mother / child relationship and / or woman blaming, as if adults are not responsible for their own behavior. The animal comment is not clearly linked to the prior statement, all together leading me to conclude that this comment is rooted in emotion. This is not really an appropriate forum for mother-hating.