Should be "You'll get through it. But you don't have to go it alone. How can I help?" or "You'll get through it and I'll be right there with you. Let's work together to find solutions."
11:10 starts to cover this. You use the words lonely and aimless but he uses the word stressed. You gotta actually ask for help and not just say how you are feeling. Saying how you are feeling is a good start though.
Some of the best advice I have gotten was from a close friend a few years ago. I was in a very low spot in life and people could tell. At the time I was very resistant to allowing anyone into my problems, but at the same time i found so much happiness/feeling of accomplishment when I helped others. She caught me in a moment when I showed happiness for being able to help on the project we were working on. She told me “everyone can see how happy you are when you help others, but when you don’t allow others to help you, you rob them from that same happiness”. Massive light bulb moment for me.
@@dunar1005 it wasn't shaming me, it was pointing out that it was hypocritical for me to derive so much enjoyment from helping others, but being oblivious that others would want to help me. If I choose to get that involved with someone in life where I choose to assist them in life and be around. If I show them that receiving help is healthy. Then i need to respect that showing gratitude and acceptance when someone genuinely wants to help me.
If you've ever asked for help when you were just barely holding on and your were laughed at or ignored it probably broke you and forever changed you afterwards. Men should ask for help more, but we also need a society where it's the culture to help men and be available to them. We're heavily aimed at women, children, and men who are so well off they don't even need the additional help to live a good life.
The moment you ask someone for help, you automatically put someone else's value above yours. For men, they don't want to be seen as less competent or "I can't help myself so I need yours"
Believe me, asking for help and not getting it can happen to women just as well. Has happened to me in the health care system multiple times, making existing health problems so much worse and chronic.
This is one of those rare circumstances that you can get the reply "but aren't you a man" if you ask the wrong person for help. Just as you put pressure on yourself to not ask for help, some people are socialized to not give it to certain people.
@@krazak2863. It is not, you are simply not viewing it through the lens of anyone but yourself. In order to actually comprehend other’s dilemmas, you need to have some empathy. You don’t know why someone is insecure, so don’t assume that being insecure is something they can magically solve.
I got over asking for help a long time ago; but family wasn't supportive, friends can only listen/do so much before you feel like a burden and the 2 therapists I had weren't very helpful and didn't even bother to follow up. I think for a lot of us asking for help isn't a problem, the problem is nobody cares. Not even the people who are paid to care.
But this isn't always wrong. Just like you said about the burden thing. If someone can't take on the full weight of your issues, that doesn't mean they don't care. Often people that think no one cares will constantly test other people and the second that person can't show up 100% they'll go "See I told you no one cares about me." Happens in dating all the time too. Hell, friends can help you in other ways besides listening to you also. It's proven that being around people can help with depression even if you're not directly addressing it.
It seems that knowing who to ask help from is a more pressing issue than how to ask for help these days. Even if you do know how to ask for help, you need to find someone you can trust to be vulnerable in front of and give information to which is the harder part, especially for men. Unfortunately, we're more exposed to people who want to be blindly trusted rather than actually trustworthy people. Even with therapists, a lot of people see to think they're a catch-all solution to all your problems, but they're still people and not all of them are trustworthy even if it's a part of their job description. I think finding trustworthy people who would actually care about your problems is a complete craps shoot, but not impossible at least. I couldn't really give much advice on it other than start with people that share similar interests with you, I guess. Even with the internet and instantaneous communication, finding people who can actually help you is still a problem that can't be solved quickly or easily.
Dr. K addresses your concern at around 9:21, almost saying verbatim what you said at 9:42. It really sucks to go through what you did and not get the help you seek but I hope you can try again by treating asking for help as a skill to be learned and mastered. Remember a lot of people on this Earth do ask for help and get more than they could have ever imagined!
The reason is simple. True altruism doesn't exist. People will only help you as much as it'll help themselves. The moment they feel helping you will result in a less favorable outcome for them than it is if the don't, they'll bail out immediately.
As a software developer, I always tell my colleagues to ask for help as soon as possible. It's better to ask someone else to provide the answer and solve the problem in five minutes than keep it to yourself and spend five days struggling alone.
So kudos to you for being available to help for your colleagues. In my industry, programming is a very daunting process and 99% of the time the person I want to ask for help is unavailable and thus fosters a team of people who just doesn't help others much. I think that on a mental well-being and productivity wise, what you're doing should be promoted more and built into the work culture somehow.
This also goes for asking about clarification about things you don't know or understand... I noticed that when I resolved to do that in team meetings and not be scared that people might think less of me for not knowing something, in most cases half the team would be like yeah I don't know that either. And it makes everyone so much more effective because we learn so much more instead of the speaker assuming everything is clear because no one asks anything and the listeners just tuning out because they don't understand.
I have adhd & autism and I’ve learned not to ask questions. Most neurotypicals would think I’m stupid or r*tarded because I don’t think like them and ask “dumb” questions that everyone else already knows the answer to. It’s hard to ask when you’re treated like an idiot from a young age…
"I’ve learned not to ask questions" It's just how it's always been for me. Most of the time it doesn't even cross my mind that I could get some exterior help.
I'm also on the spectrum. I've learned that it's better most of the time for me to exhaust my options for figuring out solutions myself, because when I ask questions, these are the kinds of things that typically happen: 1) I'm told things I already know 2) I have to sort out the other person's disorganized thoughts in order to make them useful for me, which is usually way more work than just googling and thinking by myself 3) I am rarely ever offered assistance, it's usually either emotional reassurance, things I already know, or disorganized thoughts of indeterminate value 4) when I am offered assistance, it's usually more work to get the help than to just do the thing myself, with the extra irritation that now I have to act grateful for the non-assistance, and deal with feeling emotionally disregulated afterwards I swear, people generally are such god-awful communicators. "Don't be afraid to ask questions" is something I've heard at every job I've ever worked. I'm not afraid. I just need to see indicators that someone is actually capable of helping me. Most people are extremely well meaning, and want to help, but most of the time they are also wildly incompetent and insecure about their competence. So I wind up being socially obligated to accept their non-help, while also being burdened with the task of "showing my appreciation" so their insecurity doesn't become outright hostility directed at me for being "ungrateful". I really hate it.
The main problem I feel that has been driven into the minds of men for forever, and now more recently into women, is that we are considered failures if we aren't fully independent by adulthood, which is absolutely stupid because we as humans are social creatures, not solitary creatures. We need dependence on others for a myriad of aspects, be it for emotional support, or stimulating conversations, economically, taking care of our offspring, social life, etc., and fulfillment in these aspects don't necessarily have to come just from a romantic/life partner, or immediate family. It can also be fulfilled from friends, or even just coworkers, or acquaintances with common hobbies, etc. Loneliness is something that we were never meant to be in. And it sucks that this lone-wolf mentality has been pushed so hard on everybody, especially young men.
I agree. Even though I’m a woman I was taught to do everything myself financially. Back when I was told to move out and support myself completely I looked at the economy like…really? I’m making pennies and you think I should be paying for the roof over my head by myself instead of splitting costs with a roommate? I still sometimes wake up hating myself for not being as independent as I think I should be.
It's the sort of modern western individualist culture. In a lot of places around the world the historical tradition has been living with family for a long time and only moving out if a person needs to start a family and there's no space or need to find work elsewhere. These days it's really common to continue living with family into 30s and 40s because it's just not feasible for them to support themselves. Lot of shame involved for not 'growing up' and being a 'basement dweller.'
I'm a woman and that is exactly how I was raised... That's why when I tried therapy I just couldn't talk during sessions. I learned to just live with all the trauma.
I’m so sorry that even therapy was hard for that reason. I hope the therapists were patient and helpful I had some therapists who… let’s just say, they made me more “guarded” with what I tell people 🙄
Of course the people trauamtising you were not interested that you got yourself any help and discouraged it with their brainwashing. The victim going for help would have been to the detriment of their abusive lifestyle. By the way, I tried getting help as a teenager through family services and that was a failure.
@@michaellamont4686 Yeah. This shit works. Also internal family systems. It's a mix of somatic and family therapy techniques. Traditional talk therapy is not the best solution for trauma.
yeah, for some reason it feels like being honest with myself would somehow be "whining", even if its the therapist's job to listen it's been conditioned in me to think I should listen to others tell me what my problem is rather than me tell them what I think it is, because the latter would somehow mean I'm burdening others
@@Hlecktro Exactly this. Every time I've asked for help as of late I've been either completely ignored or belittled for even needing help much less actually asking.
I mean, I pretty much had a life destroying divorce for "needing some help" when in a 6 month span I became a first time dad, got a demanding new job to provide for the new family and got married to someone who became "mrs. Hyde" basically right after I said "I do". I'm an aspie and no one cared that any of those changes were brutal for anyone let alone all 3 in such a short span for someone on the spectrum/asprgers, got told I was a narcissist for stating things like "I had a really rough day and I'm struggling, can you cut me some slack and help me today instead of jump me the moment I clock out of work?". Sometimes men will be punished for being solid 99+% of the time and needing help so rarely when they do hit a point where they absolutely need it and asking for it is "just being selfish". The advice in the video is good, but, if you're surrounded by terrible people the best advice is going to be ineffective. Sometimes the problem is your people you're associated with and nothing is gonna fix that.
i don't even have any counterpoints to that. just know that there are people out there that do care, i mean me just writing this comment show that i do care even just a little.
I will ask for help if I know I'm going to a) get non-judgmental help and b) that I have confidence in the other person to communicate a set of ideas that actually help. That said, so far the only person who meets my criteria is Chat GPT, who I ask for help all the time. Human beings are often too judgmental and know too little to be of much help, nor do they have the patience to sit down and help a fellow human being.
@@ninjacats1647something stuck out to me about this is that I like asking ChatGPT because It's so much more likely to understand what I actually want.This is surprisingly common with autistics, and it's just because of the way our brains process information. And what THAT means is that asking for help from autistic people is more likely to get you what you want compared to asking neurotypical people if/when ChatGPT is coming up short on something. (And lemme tell you, if you need help with an autistic"s special interest, they will LOVE the opportunity to get you more acquainted with the subject, across the board. Biggest risk is just getting even more info than you wanted lol.)
@@pitcat6577 sure does. I know theres the whole "if you cant do anything about it anyway, why care" thing, but man, "it is what it is" only goes so far
Not to mention the dismissive advice people often give even when you did not asked and it's usually towards people depressed or with trouble getting dates "just be happy, bro" "just live yourself, bro" and so on
Did you watch the video? The whole point is that long term it's not actually better to struggle alone. We're social creatures and if we all care a bit more and reach out a bit more, everyone will be better out from it.
That's my thing. Like every time I've ever really ever been stuck growing up, it would be met with flagrant annoyance by family and especially teachers. Like I just do not feel like hearing their annoyed reactions. I'll try to Google stuff instead
I have had to endure abuse for asking. Anywhere from Being belittled for even asking, and being treated as im in the way, or being flat ignored have all happened.
I recommend gym guys to ask for a spot. It's such good practice, especially if you ask them to help unrack the bar or tell them how many reps you're going for. Notice how most people have no problem giving a couple seconds of their day to help a complete stranger. Also, ask where the trash can is in a house you've never been in before instead of looking for it endlessly.
Your short comment has been more useful than the actual video. It's a brilliant idea. Practice asking for help even if you don't need it so you start building up your "asking for help" muscles. Ask a variety of people as well.
You’re correct. I’ve realized that if you ask how someone did something rather than saying “help me do this” they are more likely to help you learn. People like feeling smart
As a man 3 months out of work, threatened with homelessness, having an inordinately hard time polishing my CV, and word for word told my GP that I don't know how to ask for help last week, hello. Surprise, even me saying this to the GP resulted in immediate and useful help. It was not a shameful experience and it feels quite nice. I had it calendered in tomorrow to do the CV alone, and finish it, or else I suppose I am a shameful trashman who can't sell himself in a few paragraphs. Thank you for the reminder, I'll make some calls to recruiters or honestly anyone tomorrow instead. Man needs help.
I knew I needed therapy for a long time but did not want to tell anyone. What I did was, during an unrelated appointment, tell my doctor I thought I had adhd (which I actually did) and asked him to get me an appointment to be tested. Then I got tested and officially diagnosed and that doctor recommended me medication (which I expected) and told her that was not the solution I was looking for. She recommended I try therapy in lieu of medication as that's the only other form of help I could get medically, and I agreed. She got me a recommendation and an appointment, and two weeks later I was seeing a therapist. By the second appointment, I shifted the topic of our conversations from adhd to my mental health struggles. Now I'm getting the help I need, and not a soul knows except the person I wanted to know. That's the lengths a man will go through to avoid asking for help.
that's a one way but there are plenty of ways to find a therapist without telling people around you and it's not an uncommon thing to do. don't really think this is male specific
@@mram1675 But then he would've missed getting the diagnosis of ADHD and telling the psychiatrist the type of therapy he needed. Yes, he could've gone from A-B, but for whatever reason he wasn't ready for it, but he got there eventually. I see it as a good thing; he was very proactive. I don't see it negatively at all.
limuting your growth. "xyz potential" is never a good mindest beyond imediate growth and longterm sustainability, as nobody and not even you knows your potential. nobody can clearly predict the ultimate future. so its always a now, never a potential. potential is irrelevant. application and sustainability is. potential idealism that neglects both is just a manipulation tactic. from yourself or by others trying to control you. i am not potential. i am. any applied growth and sutainable methode just mwans i'm doing pretty well. the rest is hot air
Male 23, I utilized "Asking for help as a last resort", 14:49. I work for a bounce castle rental company. One night I had to pick up one of our castles from a client's residence. My boss asked if I needed any help on the pickup, I declined out of ego. Needless to say when it came to, I needed help lifting it. I was really reluctant to call my boss out of shame because I insisted I could handle it. In the end, I asked for help and didn't feel as bad as I thought I would for needing that help. When I was at work today, I tried unloading something off of a truck by myself. My friend offered to help but I declined. I felt offended as if he was insulting my ability to do the task, but it was simply a kind gesture on his part. I asked for his help, which my friend was happy to do so. He didn't make fun of me for talking on an insurmountable task. On two separate occasions, I ended up appreciating the help I received regardless of my overconfidence.
8:00 My take on teenage kids answering "no" to asking help from parents is that a lot of teenagers do not trust adults of that generation to help then with their own problems. Mental health is an obvious one, as for homework, parents would sometimes not have anything constructive to give to teenage homework, and when money is an issue, majority of the time some of us get berated, scolded, or downright rejected for it even if it's something we really need for school/day to day. Some parents would even blatantly show themselves dreading to help their kid, so it's no wonder a lot of teens would say no to adults but yes to fellow teens because of that gap in understanding.
And I don't blame them as the older generations do not understand what goes on in the now being caused by the consequences of what their own generations caused
In general I love and support the effort to enable men to seek aid in life. I think it's pretty clear that life only gets better when we all come together and help each other out. That said, I really wish this video paid more respect to the reasons men have for not asking for help. Obviously it was briefly covered and shown to be examined but it's not inherently obvious that asking for help comes with some pretty substantial risks. Men are not just denied help when they ask for it, but rather, they're often ridiculed and belittled, they have a very real chance of ruining a relationship that could have been maintainable had they not asked for help, and bigger than both of those things, it's not always the case that they even know someone capable or *willing* to help in the first place. I really think men don't ask for help less because they don't know how (which certainly is a major component), but rather because the life of an average man (ESPECIALLY one that severely needs help) does an incredibly good job at convincing the man that asking for help actually will make things worse for them. They'll become more sad about who they are and possibly lose friends, and you can't blame men for not asking for help if huge components of their life are on the line. Regardless, I do agree that if you're very technical with the way you go about asking for help, you'll very likely find the help your searching for. I just wish the video addressed the gravity of the situation more thoroughly and possibly mentioned ways to avoid the many pitfalls on the road of asking for help better. I also wish the video spoke about how to receive help with problems that are much more complex than "I need a job" because the problems men need to ask for help with are usually much more dark and vulnerable than "I don't know how to type a resume or cut a tree." Likely men would have almost no issue asking one another how to build a wall mount, but have immense trouble finding help to deal with things like loneliness, anger, or abandonment.
People frankly do not care about my problems. They offer unsolicited solutions to problems I wasn’t having, then criticize me harshly when I try to explain why I don’t want to do that. Nobody ever just ASKS me what’s wrong, and when I tell them what’s wrong they act like my problems aren’t real.
Do you have close friends or family members that you can talk to? I have friends that I talk to when I'm struggling and I'm grateful that they compassionately listen.
@@biteofdog My family are emotionally abusive and I don’t trust my friends. Even if I did, they do not care. Everyone’s got their own shit they’re worried about so why should they?
As a fellow stranger on the internet, I can’t offer you much support. But I do genuinely hope you can find a support system composed of friends that have the skills required to listen and empathize with your struggles as well as provide you a way to listen and support them in their struggles as well. It’s a lot rarer than I thought as a kid. But after 30+ years of having shit friends and unsupportive family members, I finally found a group (funnily enough through Twitch and the FFXIV community) of awesome people. But what gave me the strength to even keep looking came from the wisdom of the East such as Buddhism and Hinduism (especially the 4 pillars that outline how to find balance in your life - purusartha) as well as the wisdom of people like Dr K. Happiness is fleeting and uncontrollable, but peace is something that we can find within if we constantly seek out the hidden sources of wisdom that gets buried by the modern world of over-saturation and overstimulation. Sorry for the rant, but I’m not really great at being supportive either… regardless I truly hope for the best for you and anyone reading this that may be suffering in a similar way.
Here’s what I’ve realized. They offer solutions because they DO care. The care just isn’t being expressed the way you want it so you get frustrated and then they get frustrated they couldn’t help Part of getting good at asking for help is knowing what kind of help you want and specifying. What kind of help are you looking for? Do you want practical advice or just some reassurance? Do you just want to talk about your problems and have the other person listen without responding? Figure out what kind of help you want and communicate that. This advice has saved me so much stress and confusion
Dr. K, I love the video and information but I think there is a disconnect between what you're saying and what this comment section is indicating. Most men are thoroughly rejected and belittled when they ask for help and becomes a learned behaviour to not ask for it. While this video emphasizes the ways in which one can ask for help, may I suggest you also do a video specifically that allows men to find others willing to help in the first place (going to therapy unincluded)?
I think part of the problem is wealth inequality has created more people that need help and it has simultaneously eliminated people who have the resources to offer help. There just aren't enough helpers in general right now.
In my experience the main issue is that asking for "help" is too unspecific. We need to figure out solutions by ourselves, then make reasonable assumptions about who can assist us in providing these solutions, and how they could be brought on board.
Not being neurotypical complicates this. I’m AuDHD and was also labeled gifted, then put in all AP. I had no issues with comprehending academic material. I needed help with things like Reading A Room, and organizational tasks. When I asked for help with those things, adults in my life thought I was being lazy or messing around. To them it didn’t make sense that I didn’t need help with reading and math but I did need help understanding what the purpose of a planner was. (No part of the concept made sense to me because I figured I would forget to write things in it or lose it >
The problem isn't even that they think we're being lazy - the problem is that they actively refuse help and belittle us for not finding it easy to behave the way they do... "Yes you can" has got to me one of my most hated phrases, at this point; I taught myself almost an entire degree worth of computer science without asking for help once - how can a person possibly think I'm being lazy when I ask them to explain how they want me to behave?
@@BruceNJeffAreMyFlies Yeaaaaaaahh. I do actually deeply relate to this, but instead of "Yes you can," mine is "You KNOW what I mean." They thought I was trolling pmuch. I don't know if that's location and culture or that's me being female instead of male or what. I have nothing to map to why people thought I was messing with them by asking genuine questions about how to fit in. I feel you on the most of a STEM degree too, I have most of too many and am closing in on the end of ONE finally. People act like Engineering is heaven for weirdos but that's not my experience at all, my experience is that Teamwork is King and you're treated like a jerk and also a child for not being amazing at it the second you set foot on campus.
My mentor died a long time ago. Ive been alone ever since.. Not really doing as bad as most of the people around me, but that's saying a lot about society today. Rip
Half of people don't care about your problems, the other half are glad you have them. When the help you ask for requires more than, say, 15 minutes of effort, people are like "naaaahh... Go to a therapist." I don't wanna knock therapy but genuine contact with other humans who are not paid to listen to you is what my heart truly craves, a support network of people who WANT to be around me. Yet I can't get it BECAUSE I feel like total crap which makes me less fun to be around.
I don't wanna be the guy that says toughen up, I don't wanna be the person that says get past it. But I regret to say, your freedom lies past the gates, you must keep pushing and keep trying. There are good people out there, don't be discouraged if it takes awhile to find them. Hold strong until. Edit: This statement holds true for all that are struggling. Hold strong.
@@3nertia fr. I've held strong for long enough. Where are all these mythical "good people" who are so caring everyone keeps harping on about? All I see is decay.
i'm not perfect or good, i'm not healed, but i'm not where i used to be either. biggest question - do you want to actually make change or just talk about it? then, do good things for the sake of doing them. get a rescue dog and treat it well. partake in local community causes that you align with. be open-minded to experiences and people you don't align with. it'll be awkward and painful and you'll probably feel compelled to be a wallflower in these situations. that's fine. i had to suffer and stress to build a new life once I was finally free of certain abusers. i did those things, and now there are people who envy me and my social interactions.
I used to get upset that Dr k made content mostly for men as a woman. But with more life experiences acquired, men need help. I fully support this channel being dedicated to helping men. We need them to get help and get better so society can be better.
Reminds me of the Franklin story: if you want to make a friend, ask him/her for a favor. When you ask someone for help, you are not troubling him, you are giving him validation. People like feeling useful. So, it is not as likely for them to reject your request for help as you imagine
@@3nertia it depends on what you ask and how you ask something, strangers won't assist with anything taking too long time unless it's absolutely necessary for life and death, why? Because you would generally not do anything outside of that either. So before asking someone, ask yourself how willing you would be to help with the question asked. People enjoy being put to good use, as long it doesn't inconvenience them too much, as do you. Ask questions in such a way that you, yourself would feel inclined to answer them.
Asking for a favor is indeed a good way to make a connection. But that's very different from asking for help that you actually need. You can choose a favor that's easy to grant and easy to repay, something the other would enjoy granting and you could get by just fine without. No strain, no hard feelings, no risk. If you ask for something you really need, something that may turn out to be difficult or impossible, it is an act of desperation that will probably turn out badly one way or another.
I think people want to help if we learn to ask. I don't talk much and this is one of my first comments on any video. Positivity breeds positivity. Negativity breeds negativity.. I enjoyed this video as it gave me the confidence to ask for help on a subject before gets escalates..
I've noticed that help seeking can lead to giving power to a person that might not know any more than you. The script flips to now that person is the authority, This makes them feel good but it diminishes your status as a knowledgeable person of integrity. The moment you start sharing problems the other person will start giving advice whether you asked for it or not. This will elevate their status above you. Also there is a frustrating tendency for people to give advice that works for them but their circumstance may not cover the same magnitude or complexity. They will give fortune cookie advice, then get frustrated that you are trying to tell them that it won't work for you. They then will see you as a negative person.
Maybe you are a negative person and the complexity is really only in your head. This is not an uncommon issue, especially with more intelligent people. What humans need to feel good about themselves is really rather simple, and the options to attain some of these things are limited. So don't be frustrated if the advice you get is not as useful as you want it to be. The solution to your problems may well be that you need to change the way you interact with the world in order to make that advice work for you.
Yep. The number of times I've opened up and asked for help only to be ignored, or to get a 'yes, I'm here for you' and then not actually get any help is too many. It's been a more functional solution to just depend on myself rather than others. I wish it weren't true and I'll keep trying with others, but somehow I'm the most functional in my friend group and no one is able to give me support when I need it.
Without watching the video - Every time I've ever asked for help growing up, I'd always either be criticized, made fun of, gaslighted, told my problem wasn't a real problem, blackmailed, etc. I learned really early that asking for help only ever made things worse.
The world I heard most was “ungrateful” If this pizza of my life is so good, you can have it then. Go on take it. I don’t want pizza. If I’m so ungrateful, you can fake it from me
11:20 I'm a man, and my response to someone saying they're stressed would be, "What's going on?" or "What's stressing you?" and that's what I would be expecting someone to say to me if I told them I was stressed. However, I have been a nurse for almost 10 years, so I probably don't communicate like the typical male.
Right, interesting video with lots of good points. SOME men don't know how to ask for help. However, the real reason why MOST men don't ask for help is: It's seen as a vulnerability by both genders and gets used against us. Men will ridicule you and see you as someone lesser. Good example of this are the stories of men reporting sexual abuse against them at a police station and being laughed at. Women can use the things you shared with them even years after during an argument, causing some serious and permanent emotional harm. Why don't men ask for help? How about, why don't you touch the hot stove after you've been burned once, or twice, or however many times it takes to realize that doing so is a bad idea?
This was the only problem ever I've ever had. First of all, I've felt that I didn't want to be burden to someone so I didn't ask for help. Second of all, I imagined that if I ask for help, I would be seen as less competent. Psychologist opened my eyes, by saying it is better to ask than to do something wrong. She also asked me how I feel when someone asks me for help - I am usually very happy to help, and don't consider it a burden. That's when it struck me, that for other people it might be the same. Since then I am not afraid of asking for help anymore, and I'm much happier person.
How to ask for help - Summary 1. Give Context - in 1-2 sentences give a big picture, tell a short story 2. Explain what we’ve tried - Indicate that you have tried, take responsibility 3. Ask for a specific task - if it helps, pretend like you’re new to this.
either 'all you men watching.... your lives' or 'all the men watching.... their lives' not 'all the men watching... your lives'. Great intend though, I'm just being a bit of a grammar nazi.
When I have asked for help from professionals they brought on more trauma with no consequences to the parties evolved. They never listened and kept me in a locked room even after saying multiple times that I wanted to leave. What hurts more is that I really wanted help after distrusting the mental health industry for 35 years. What I learned from this and other events is that when a man has to go to the hospital is to have someone with you to make sure you are actually being taken care of. It's a shame when the industry that is supposed to help lives makes them worse.
What I was told after asking for help, 1. There are people who have worse problems than you. 2. We all have problems. 3. It’s part of life 4. Laugh at me 5. Ignore.
Some people will help and some won't or couldn't but we're never alone. If what we seek is emotional validation from someone that never did then that's irrational (and frustrating too) and we should seek professional help in that regard.
I'm 3 courses away from getting my undergraduate degree in Economics. I'm currently taking advanced macroeconomics this summer and there's a lot of calculus. I've never been good at math, I'm solo learning calculus rn because my professor said "I assume you all know this material so I will be adding onto it" and I feel like an imposter. I've never liked asking for help and I've had a lot of negative experiences growing up with relatives and teachers demeaning me. I don't think it's as simple as "socialization" and "masculinity" (although they do still play a role), I think it's all the times I've been made to feel like an idiot by the people who were supposed to be helping me.
I found derivatives (calc ii) to be a lot easier than integrals (calc I) and pre-calc was actually the hardest for me. My college had a "math achievement center " i didn't want to pay for the $200 book, I bought an older edition for $20 and would go to the MAC to borrow their current edition in order to do my homework. The advantage was there was usually a tutor there that was able to help walk me through anything I wasn't able to get done on my own.
@@krox477I once watched a video where I learned how to do a double integral in 15 minutes, a thing my third semester calc professor couldn't teach me in 15 weeks.
Me too I don’t know why but in class I never ask the teacher for help even if I need it and I’ve been trying to figure out why and I just can’t figure it out
Here's a thing: when I ask for help, I expect QUALITY help. Yet everytime people in positions of power over me prove to be incompetent and uncaring. Moreoften people who are supposed to help me with a problem are the ones causing that problem.
For me, I usually use "I have a friends" strategy when asking help from others. because this is way easier to ask for help for the sake of others. Try to articulate your situation as details as possible and they will know it is not actually about your friends but you.
Yikes, this comment section is rough. I'm a depressed man too, but y'all are making me have to be uplifting. You need to look at this shit objectively. Plenty of men do get help either through their community or through a mental health professional and they learn to deal with shit. Go outside. Men are out, living their life, a good deal of them along with loved ones, having a nice time. You can strive towards that. Just because some people made fun of you when you opened up doesn't mean you have to give up hope. You can and should meet other people that accept that side of you. Anyway, idk if any of that shit was uplifting or whatever but I had to post some sort of counter to thid comment section, because, as I said, it was ROUGH.
I know my experience is statistically negligible; I'm just one individual. So I want to keep trying and prove my experience wrong, but it's hard to just dismiss it as well, as not all past baggage is just something to move past or shrug off, it can be a lesson for informing the future as well, and become integrated in a healthy manner, maybe needs to be. With that caveat out of the way I have been universally mocked for any display of needing help or support in any area of my life. I don't like to open up to any one about what I'm feeling or ask for help as I've experienced a lot of push back and bad interactions and judgement because of it. However, I know this can change and I want to change, so I will persist.
This is a very, very, good video, just when I needed it. I was raised NOT to ask for help (yes, some women are), compounded by living in a rural area where often there weren't people around to ask. From college age on, I discovered I had friends who were friends just because they felt they could depend on me not asking them for anything. As soon as I asked about anything, they ghosted. Some people will offer to help from the goodness of their hearts, others for ulterior motives. The one thing I can do is be honest. "Do you need help?" (no), "Are you having difficulty?" (yes) "What could I do to help?" (?tell me what I'm doing wrong with this?, or some other specific request.) The main thing is, framing the problem, owning responsibility for responding, and being specific in your request (or best offer...)
1.we are taught men are supposed to be the backbone of society, almost as if just because of our gender we inherited the responsibility that we cant be failing (not asked for btw) 2.even if we ask for help, whats the point, nobody will help. even if we have no control over it and we didnt cause it, it is apperently solely our responsibility to fix our problems. for everyone else its "oh this group is suffering, we need to help them" but for men its just "pull yourself by your bootstraps and stop whining" 3.we are afraid women will lose respect if we are dependent, and unlike men, when women lose respect for someone, they lose attraction, thus they no longer love that person 4. even if some men are ASTRONOMICALLY lucky and dont face the issues above, they still wont ask becuase they dont want to be a burden. 5. if a man has low self esteem or pride issues, he might not ask because he doesnt want to hurt his ego (pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source) i know this comment sounds a bit "blackpill-ish", and i just wanted to clarify while i agree with some parts, i stopped agreeing with others a while ago, but i just wanted to list all reasons a man can feel like he cant ask for help. I hate how dr k talks in this video as if its just ,,oh men you just need to ask and surely you will recieve help! Do better" and not a worldwide societal issue thats been going on for generations
Personally the reason I don't ask, is usually I can handle it. And that's how people have always saw me. Upright, headstrong and with a clear and confident mind. "He can take care of himself, he's got it". Then I didn't have it for once. In fact I barely had it under control for over a decade, and the cracks finally caught up with me as things I couldn't control began to happen. I fought against and struggled as much I could, maintaining the attitude I set for myself and how everyone saw me. But witnessing the death and loss of everyone you know and love; watching people you trust turn their back on you, revealing their true selves takes it's toll on you. No matter how seasoned you are to life obstructing your path. You will falter. I did. I needed help for once. But no one was there. Despite asking for the simple solace of companionship, leaning on friends socially to maintain my sanity during my depression and isolation. No one cared. And that's usually what men face, I believe. When we're actually in need of real help; help that requires actual sacrifice, no one is willing. They just look down at you, while you writhe in your squalor. There is no help. Because no one truly wants to help when a man is face down, beaten, crippled and his ambition ripped away from him. Only when it's convenient and they already see the man still holding strong and succeeding. I don't even look at that as a bad thing either. It made me realize what the phrase "To receive help, you have to help yourself first" actually meant. It's when you've already asked for help multiple times and have received none. When there is no one to save you. When the support you sought, ultimately gave you no release from the pain. It wasn't the anodyne you wanted. You've only yourself, and you have to struggle to show to everyone you're worth helping. I was lucky I was one tracked minded. I knew what I wanted out of life and what I wanted to pursue, even as a child. That ambition, that fire never extinguished in my heart. And it gave me the drive to struggle, and claw my way back up again when there was no one else to save myself for or give myself to. I try to strive to help other men. But I feel like chasing my ambitions have led me to abandon others in pursuit of it. And I think that's how most men operate as well. And so none of us receive help.
It's mind blowing how different asking for help is in male vs female spaces. A man says he has a condition and needs help getting the coursge going to the doctor, and there's 10 responses and they all, "dude just go", "don't ask on the internet" etc etc. In twoxchromosomes, a woman asks the same sort of question. The women, will say things like "I had a similar condition, and it turned out to be no big deal, I'm so glad I went in, you can do it" or "i don't know if it's the same condition but I have this, and this is the test the doctor used to decide." Or "if you're nervous about talking to a doctor bring a friend in it helps a ton!" Etc. None of the women attempt to diagnose on the internet but they know how to emotionally support and help someone prepare for whatever's coming. To the point that men will ask for help in women's spaces even if it's just a man's issue. And the women will offer advice based off the make friends relatives in their lives (or trans mtf experience). Mixed gender support groups also seem to be better. Of course im talking online, men also get different support treatment in person I'm sure.
@steggopotamus men definitely get different levels of treatment. Last month I went to the hospital and told them. I need to see a psych professional, I want to unalive. They left me in the waiting room 3 hours until I went home and it wasn't until I called 988 that I was taken seriously at all.
This kind of pre-emptive despondence is exactly what leads to the behaviors that cause men to not seek help! You fear looking like a weak male, you fear that people will treat you as worthless, so you limit disclosure and never take time to treat asking for help as a skill you can improve at! And it's not your fault, of course, we're conditioned to be in this state by society. But we can't fix all of society, we can only fix ourselves. And it starts with being willing to try again! Remember that people do ask for help, even as men, and do receive it.
This made me remmber when in colage I asked the teacher how to do something and she shamed me for not knowing and told me that Iam probably gonna fail her class. She didnt explain anything I didn´t know what to do for the rest of the class.
It's hard when you ask for help and no matter how much help you get, you feel like you'll never get it. Eventually, people get tired of giving advice because things aren't moving forward, and you don't want to ask for help anymore because you're afraid of losing people or getting remarks like “You've got all the cards, now you've got to use them.” I'm already doing that, but nothing's working...
So informative and helpful! Also, hats off to Dr. K for inventing a quirky new activity- underwater basket weaving! As a dry land basket weaver, that idea is hilarious, but actually makes a good amount of sense...
The problem isn't with asking for help. It's that most people offering help aren't actually interested in helping. They are interested in the feeling that helping gives them. This leads to sloganized solutions and low quality advice because it turns out it takes real work to give good advice . Their is also a profound lack of wisdom with older people today. Worse yet, some people participate in sabotage culture where they pretend to help only to ruin your life
your videos have answered so many of the things troubling me through my life! like what's the line between healthy and unhealthy help seeking. been thinking thins like these for years, and you have such logical but also compassionate answers to them. really appreciate it!
Haven’t seen someone say dichotomy this much since binge watching Jocko’s podcast long while back. As a service member and going through non-medical therapy it’d be awesome to see you two collab on a pod
“help-seeking can foster independence.” such a great line, I genuinely love learning about the experience of the opposite gender and what they deal with
Honestly I think the weirdest part about men not asking for help, is often *because* they already have asked for help in their past and not only does it "not go well," they're actually ridiculed for doing so. It puts you in this position where you realize asking for help *could* benefit you, but unfortunately the fear of being hurt even more than you presumably already are makes asking for help incredibly scary and legitimately risky. Also it's worth mentioning that men become aware very quickly that if they do ask for help in the wrong way or ask for too much help, they'll actually ruin their relationship whether it's with friends, in romantic life, or otherwise. So you have to weigh asking for help vs. so many negative possible outcomes.
17:15 - this is good advice in general and I wish people understood it in professional realms: if you tell me your proximate issue without giving me the context around it, I'm not going to be able to help you. So many people waste so much energy on trying to solve the wrong problem and don't realise that the problem lies elsewhere. This is called the X-Y problem. Giving context when asking for help is so very, very important!
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 Normally the answer should be no. But for some circumstances... the answer unfortunately becomes yes, and they are typically a breakpoint of capitalism.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 I mean, considering the US federal minimum wage is 7.25$/hour... In a vacuum services costing money is fine, but let's be honest here, a LOT of people need help they cannot afford, and I'd rather they get that help perpetuate a system in which Mark Zuckerberg gets to buy a Hawaiian island while homeless people exist.
@@pnintetr”capitalism is when something costs money.” I love to tell “people” like you that just because something costs money doesn’t mean an imaginary thing has a role in the cost. Try running a business and let me know how providing services for free goes for you.
Saying it out loud is like an affirmation for men, I AM STRUGGLING, and so, now you're struggling even more now that you've said it out loud where someone else could hear it.
@@shootingbricks8554 I get ya I am lucky for being gay as the fem stereotype even though not really being fem more neutral I guess, as I am able too due to said stereotypes. Like if I where and have been SA's I am taken seriously as either a man done it so Of course or a woman did and well I am gay so of course that's traumatic as it goes against my nature. We need to remove the hard-line between masc and fem stereotypes so that victims are able to to be advocated regardless of sex or sexuality.
@@ecos889 for some reason i told a few people, that i was beaten/SA as a kid by the girls that i was raised with, i had problems with my pepe for 10 years(random sti/std), starting age 12, at 22 i did a biopsy and found that i have an autoimune problem and no actuall sexual problem. Each one of them told me that i am making myself a "victim", and that i am an incel😂. I have also been told i am gay, and that i can "come out" and it will be fine🎉🎉 Now, i am straight, but its almost imposibile to find any little bit of compasion/hug for a cis guy who doesnt want to trash women. But i have to listen to women sexual fantasy of being tied, consenaullly raped, spit, hit, and exhibitionistic bullshit. Now i am thinking of doing a masters/phd in homosexuallity. as
As i want to study the ideea of men caring for men, and taking care of men, with no centrality on women whatsoever, i'm still expecting to be told agian that i am gay tho🎉😂😂😂😂 Take care
Seems like there's a bit of a problem in this advice. On the one hand, you say to seek help early, when your problems haven't grown into a full-on crisis. On the other hand, you also say to put in effort first, so that you can tell the person you're asking for help what you've already tried, so they don't feel like you're just being lazy and have a concrete idea of what kind of help you need. But that -- trying to put in a reasonable amount of effort before expecting anyone else to pitch in -- is exactly what people think they're doing when they put off asking for help for way too long. Finding the right balance seems difficult.
I'm so glad that you're talking about this! As a person with Adhd (possibly autism) I've been looked at as an incompetent, lazy, and spoiled person by my family. I've had both parents die 5 years apart and I slowly discovered how much they've been helping alleviate a lot of my symptoms. Without them I couldn't wake up to go to school, I couldn't even muster up any energy to go do any activities I myself love. I discovered my disorders at the end of high school and It has taken a lot for me to ask for help. I've been seen in such a negative light every time I tell them that I just need this little push from them so I can get going. Like the engine is actually great but the battery is dead and it needs a push for the whole car to start moving. Every time I did an activity with someone on my side I would be so much more motivated, even in school my best grades came from studying with my mother and/or friends beside me. Unfortunately it has also taken some time for my family to understand this, even my brother who has been by my side for years has struggled to wrap his head around a lot of my issues and couldn't help but think it's too bad to be true. If I had the help early on and I was taught to be active I'm sure I would be a lot more proactive in my life. It just takes some time to fix all of this.
Dude, i think we might be the same person from different timelines because you just damn near perfectly described my current situation as well, and know exactly what you mean about the push starts. Not sure how much I'd be able to help - as distance (both literal and figuratively) seems to be a big factor I've come to learn - but i'd be willing to offer the odd kick in the ass if you'd want and/or think it's practical.
@@braedanricketts5139 Damn you've went through the same shit? I appreciate the offer, I'd at least like to talk with someone who's gone/going through this since nobody I know can relate. Do you use discord?
We know no one is going to care. At best they will blame us for it and just think less of us at worst they will use it against us. There are plenty of people who would be happy seeing our struggles.
I found out that some people take advantage of your perils. I never thought in this year, Id not only be denied the support, but be casted out of the presence of support. Not all of us are selfless saint. You'll get through it You'll get through it You'll get through it You'll get through it You'll get through it
Wow talk about main reason why my master thesis supervisor is maybe feeling like my mom something. Thanks you for this pointer. I am glad i can try to work on my asking for help experience. I am definitely going to share this!!
The comment section of this video doesn't seem to want to apply dr.k's lesson at all. Bros, asking for help _strategically_ is manly af. Even in the most pessimistic view, do you think all those CEOs got there without asking their acquintances and business partners to help him grow, multiple times? For people who truly care for you, the reward is simply seeing you make it. For people who don't, you can still make your cooperation rationally beneficial for them too. But as dr.k says, asking for help is a skill. That's why managing to get help from people who don't owe/obligated to help you would be a display of your awesome skill 💪💯
Wow, this really explains a lot of my problems. I hated asking my parents for help because they were Cluster Bs and you never knew what you were going to get.
I would be very grateful if you could directly link to peer-reviewed studies so that I don't have to pause every time to search for them. Otherwise, I am thankful for each new video!
In my case I have super infantilizing parents who forced their "help" on me my entire life (and still do, and I'm 32 and completely functionally independent) despite only very rarely asking for it, so whenever I receive help of any kind my brain automatically makes me feel like a useless toddler.
I feel you on this, in my case it lead to lots of toxic shame even though i am quite capable and in good education & financial standing it still messes with me
Interesting to see all those comments of men sharing their experiences and then the replies of people invalidating those experiences. Very interesting.
@@inquisitionagent9052 Not really. I've looked at most, if not all, of the comments and they don't have many, if any responses. Of the ones that do, they aren't many that are invalidating. If anyone was inclined (probably not) to go through all of the comments then you'd see that I'm right.
I have people whom I talked to, a lot, and they really were concerned and they tried to help but nothing works. Most of the time their advice is something I came up with by myself anyway. And this includes two trained psychotherapists.
After reading the comments it seems like no one that is commenting actually saw the video and came to the comment section just to complain. Work on yourselves and stop with the victim mentality, it takes effort to get better ❤💪
You can come to that conclusion, or you could come to the conclusion that most people's problem isn't searching for a job as an underwater basket weaver.
No one is entitled to help, so don't forget to be grateful when you get it. I have said no to helping because they refused to give information on what they wanted help with. Too often the "little" help someone needs but will not explain is alot of work. From my experiance saying no is often met with a "f@#$ you" or demands for an explanation why. Its easy to give help out, but it is hard to get help or gratitude at times.
I dont ask for help because ive found when i do, no one can. Its not their fault, theyve also filled their lives with so much stuff like relationships, kids and work, they simply dont have the energy to help. So i tend to solve problems by myself now
I've been struggling with something that I believe is related to trauma. Whenever I've needed to open up to someone, if we later have a disagreement, that person often uses what I shared against me to shame, manipulate, or invalidate me. Almost everyone in my life has done this, especially the women. Only a few male friends or some random people on the internet have truly treated me with respect after I opened up. Life has taught me to see vulnerability as a weakness that I need to hide until I can overcome it. It has been difficult, but it works for me. People feel safe around me, even though it's an illusion.
The answer is quite simple. Asking for help is futile because no one really cares. They’re too occupied with their own problems to invest in yours. Not that it’s their responsibility( which it isn’t). It just seems like we’re speaking into a void cause speaking about things doesn’t eliminate the issue. Action is the only solution. It’s just easier to shut up and do something about it.
I think it’s also a good idea to start being the example to allow other people to see that asking for help is something feasible as well; also an intentional action. trust and interdependence can start with anyone willing to try, even if they have to be the first example of fostering that in others
Everyone in these replies with this kind of mindset don’t get it. If you ask for help, then either 1: you get help, or 2: you don’t get help. Logically, where is the negative? There is none. The negative implications of not getting help are all in your head. It’s internal, you don’t actually lose anything for ever asking for help, yet your mind attaches a negative perception to the world when you don’t get any. Just like anything good in life, it’s a gamble. Ask for help and you may or may not get any.
If you give up before even trying then you are absolutely right and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. There are many people out there willing to help but yiu have to take the time and effort to find them. Simply asking is not enough you have to have the space to work on your own struggles as well as identify the conditions necessary for your success. Its true nobody is going to hold your hand through life, but sometimes people just need a little patience, support and understanding to succeed. You will not receive the help that you want or need 100% of the time but if you never ask, then its sure to be a 0% chance of success. Vulnerability takes risk, and unfortunately many people are so damaged they would rather complain on the Internet how futile it is rather than risk the chance of rejection again. Its a very deep pit to climb out of.
It's definitely our responsibility! I do believe that as a collective it is indeed in our best interest to help everyone. That's the only way we can eradicate that dilemma of "everyone has their own problems".
The sooner you show others that you are responsible and competent the better your outcome is when you ask for help. And the more responsible you are the more help you get. That's because it reassures the other person that helping you is not going to foster dependency.
Very insightful comment. People run away from neediness but are happy to help if it looks as though someone will use their help wisely. It's a bit like applying for a bank loan. How trustworthy are you?
I will saying actually asking for help and laying it out on the table typically overwhelms other people if they. Any actually help you. I think identifying how and who to ask for help is even more important.
Yes, I remember talking to a friend about a depressive mood. She said: "I can't help you, you should see a therapist". Harsh, but she was right. What I learned was that I shouldn't go to a butcher to buy bread.
Why ask for help when nobody will listen to you anyway? I learned by the time I was 12 that I'm truly all alone in the universe and nobody is coming to save me.
Saving yourself is indeed what everyone must do individually, but getting help along the way makes it much easier so asking is natural and good. Not one person can survive long without some form of human help, we are all dependent to some extent, whatever pride may say.
I’m sorry to hear that mate. I don’t know about your situation but I genuinely wish for your future to be brighter than it is now. Little steps yea. That dark part of your brain tells you no one will care or listen. But there is always a friend, a stranger, (or better yet) a therapist out there that will hear you out and acknowledge you. Just let yourself reach out. It’s ok. It might not feel like it, but it truly is ok to tell others you’re not ok.
my brother killed himself a few years ago and I’m still so so sad over it. I feel so guilty because he did tell me some things, but I know he wasn’t completely open or able to share everything. Still, i should have known and helped him more instead of waiting for him to fight not knowing how to ask for help
Besides that, how much help are you actually looking for? And you don't have a single close friend that will do a lot for you? Are you saying you won't help others beyond your social obligations too?
I used to think this way of thinking was dumb and unfounded but now I get it, I still think it hurts the man in the long run but I've reached for help or opened up with close friends and partners, even my parents and my partner used all of it against me first chance she could. Parents didn't know how to help (Understandable as not everyone can be a mini-therapist) and most friends used it against me and mocked me over it. I saw a few therapist for some problems but I either didn't connect with them, was condescended to and my parents didn't have enough money to continue it so at this point I just give up tbh. I have the money for it now that I'm an adult but not really the time or energy. Self deletion is genuinely the only solution I see being viable
"Yeah man, kinda going through a rough time...feeling lonely and aimless"
"You'll get through it."
"Everyone feels the same"
"It's normal"
"You're caring too much"
"You've got everything, no sense what you say"
Should be "You'll get through it. But you don't have to go it alone. How can I help?" or "You'll get through it and I'll be right there with you. Let's work together to find solutions."
11:10 starts to cover this.
You use the words lonely and aimless but he uses the word stressed.
You gotta actually ask for help and not just say how you are feeling. Saying how you are feeling is a good start though.
Didn't ask a question, didn't get an answer. He did cover this in the video.
“It will get better” “You’re still young, you’ll figure it out”
A lot of times it just ends up with people avoiding the effort of helping you.
Some of the best advice I have gotten was from a close friend a few years ago. I was in a very low spot in life and people could tell. At the time I was very resistant to allowing anyone into my problems, but at the same time i found so much happiness/feeling of accomplishment when I helped others. She caught me in a moment when I showed happiness for being able to help on the project we were working on. She told me “everyone can see how happy you are when you help others, but when you don’t allow others to help you, you rob them from that same happiness”. Massive light bulb moment for me.
Very inconsiderate to shame you for not liking to be helped.
@@dunar1005 it wasn't shaming me, it was pointing out that it was hypocritical for me to derive so much enjoyment from helping others, but being oblivious that others would want to help me.
If I choose to get that involved with someone in life where I choose to assist them in life and be around. If I show them that receiving help is healthy. Then i need to respect that showing gratitude and acceptance when someone genuinely wants to help me.
@@dunar1005 very inconsiderate to turn someone’s wholesome story into something negative.
You are male, she isnt
Very inconsiderate
If you've ever asked for help when you were just barely holding on and your were laughed at or ignored it probably broke you and forever changed you afterwards. Men should ask for help more, but we also need a society where it's the culture to help men and be available to them. We're heavily aimed at women, children, and men who are so well off they don't even need the additional help to live a good life.
The moment you ask someone for help, you automatically put someone else's value above yours. For men, they don't want to be seen as less competent or "I can't help myself so I need yours"
@@BRBallin1that’s more like a you problem. When I ask for help, I don’t put others above me. I’m not that insecure.
Believe me, asking for help and not getting it can happen to women just as well. Has happened to me in the health care system multiple times, making existing health problems so much worse and chronic.
This is one of those rare circumstances that you can get the reply "but aren't you a man" if you ask the wrong person for help. Just as you put pressure on yourself to not ask for help, some people are socialized to not give it to certain people.
@@krazak2863. It is not, you are simply not viewing it through the lens of anyone but yourself. In order to actually comprehend other’s dilemmas, you need to have some empathy. You don’t know why someone is insecure, so don’t assume that being insecure is something they can magically solve.
I got over asking for help a long time ago; but family wasn't supportive, friends can only listen/do so much before you feel like a burden and the 2 therapists I had weren't very helpful and didn't even bother to follow up.
I think for a lot of us asking for help isn't a problem, the problem is nobody cares. Not even the people who are paid to care.
But this isn't always wrong. Just like you said about the burden thing. If someone can't take on the full weight of your issues, that doesn't mean they don't care. Often people that think no one cares will constantly test other people and the second that person can't show up 100% they'll go "See I told you no one cares about me." Happens in dating all the time too. Hell, friends can help you in other ways besides listening to you also. It's proven that being around people can help with depression even if you're not directly addressing it.
It seems that knowing who to ask help from is a more pressing issue than how to ask for help these days. Even if you do know how to ask for help, you need to find someone you can trust to be vulnerable in front of and give information to which is the harder part, especially for men.
Unfortunately, we're more exposed to people who want to be blindly trusted rather than actually trustworthy people. Even with therapists, a lot of people see to think they're a catch-all solution to all your problems, but they're still people and not all of them are trustworthy even if it's a part of their job description.
I think finding trustworthy people who would actually care about your problems is a complete craps shoot, but not impossible at least. I couldn't really give much advice on it other than start with people that share similar interests with you, I guess. Even with the internet and instantaneous communication, finding people who can actually help you is still a problem that can't be solved quickly or easily.
Dr. K addresses your concern at around 9:21, almost saying verbatim what you said at 9:42.
It really sucks to go through what you did and not get the help you seek but I hope you can try again by treating asking for help as a skill to be learned and mastered. Remember a lot of people on this Earth do ask for help and get more than they could have ever imagined!
@@anveio hopefully you make a difference with your words but I really am approaching everything with objective nihilism
The reason is simple. True altruism doesn't exist. People will only help you as much as it'll help themselves. The moment they feel helping you will result in a less favorable outcome for them than it is if the don't, they'll bail out immediately.
As a software developer, I always tell my colleagues to ask for help as soon as possible. It's better to ask someone else to provide the answer and solve the problem in five minutes than keep it to yourself and spend five days struggling alone.
True, besides it avoids a big headache later one for someone doing a mistake and affecting the whole project for not asking for help.
Odd, every time I ask folks anything, they usually tell me to figure it out on my own or "google it."
So kudos to you for being available to help for your colleagues. In my industry, programming is a very daunting process and 99% of the time the person I want to ask for help is unavailable and thus fosters a team of people who just doesn't help others much.
I think that on a mental well-being and productivity wise, what you're doing should be promoted more and built into the work culture somehow.
This also goes for asking about clarification about things you don't know or understand... I noticed that when I resolved to do that in team meetings and not be scared that people might think less of me for not knowing something, in most cases half the team would be like yeah I don't know that either. And it makes everyone so much more effective because we learn so much more instead of the speaker assuming everything is clear because no one asks anything and the listeners just tuning out because they don't understand.
@@winter-survivor a senior developer I worked with would straight up question my competency at the job whenever I’d request help.
I have adhd & autism and I’ve learned not to ask questions. Most neurotypicals would think I’m stupid or r*tarded because I don’t think like them and ask “dumb” questions that everyone else already knows the answer to. It’s hard to ask when you’re treated like an idiot from a young age…
"I’ve learned not to ask questions" It's just how it's always been for me. Most of the time it doesn't even cross my mind that I could get some exterior help.
Tell me about it. Nothing we do ever seems to please neurotypicals, one way or the other
Same man, same
I'm also on the spectrum. I've learned that it's better most of the time for me to exhaust my options for figuring out solutions myself, because when I ask questions, these are the kinds of things that typically happen:
1) I'm told things I already know
2) I have to sort out the other person's disorganized thoughts in order to make them useful for me, which is usually way more work than just googling and thinking by myself
3) I am rarely ever offered assistance, it's usually either emotional reassurance, things I already know, or disorganized thoughts of indeterminate value
4) when I am offered assistance, it's usually more work to get the help than to just do the thing myself, with the extra irritation that now I have to act grateful for the non-assistance, and deal with feeling emotionally disregulated afterwards
I swear, people generally are such god-awful communicators. "Don't be afraid to ask questions" is something I've heard at every job I've ever worked. I'm not afraid. I just need to see indicators that someone is actually capable of helping me. Most people are extremely well meaning, and want to help, but most of the time they are also wildly incompetent and insecure about their competence. So I wind up being socially obligated to accept their non-help, while also being burdened with the task of "showing my appreciation" so their insecurity doesn't become outright hostility directed at me for being "ungrateful".
I really hate it.
I still will ask for help but only certain people I trust precisely for this reason
The main problem I feel that has been driven into the minds of men for forever, and now more recently into women, is that we are considered failures if we aren't fully independent by adulthood, which is absolutely stupid because we as humans are social creatures, not solitary creatures. We need dependence on others for a myriad of aspects, be it for emotional support, or stimulating conversations, economically, taking care of our offspring, social life, etc., and fulfillment in these aspects don't necessarily have to come just from a romantic/life partner, or immediate family. It can also be fulfilled from friends, or even just coworkers, or acquaintances with common hobbies, etc. Loneliness is something that we were never meant to be in. And it sucks that this lone-wolf mentality has been pushed so hard on everybody, especially young men.
Individualism keeps us weak
It's the American Way.
I agree. Even though I’m a woman I was taught to do everything myself financially. Back when I was told to move out and support myself completely I looked at the economy like…really? I’m making pennies and you think I should be paying for the roof over my head by myself instead of splitting costs with a roommate? I still sometimes wake up hating myself for not being as independent as I think I should be.
That's America individualism
It's the sort of modern western individualist culture. In a lot of places around the world the historical tradition has been living with family for a long time and only moving out if a person needs to start a family and there's no space or need to find work elsewhere. These days it's really common to continue living with family into 30s and 40s because it's just not feasible for them to support themselves. Lot of shame involved for not 'growing up' and being a 'basement dweller.'
I'm a woman and that is exactly how I was raised... That's why when I tried therapy I just couldn't talk during sessions. I learned to just live with all the trauma.
I’m so sorry that even therapy was hard for that reason. I hope the therapists were patient and helpful
I had some therapists who… let’s just say, they made me more “guarded” with what I tell people 🙄
Of course the people trauamtising you were not interested that you got yourself any help and discouraged it with their brainwashing. The victim going for help would have been to the detriment of their abusive lifestyle. By the way, I tried getting help as a teenager through family services and that was a failure.
@@michaellamont4686 Yeah. This shit works. Also internal family systems. It's a mix of somatic and family therapy techniques. Traditional talk therapy is not the best solution for trauma.
@@michaellamont4686 thank you, I'll check it out
yeah, for some reason it feels like being honest with myself would somehow be "whining", even if its the therapist's job to listen it's been conditioned in me to think I should listen to others tell me what my problem is rather than me tell them what I think it is, because the latter would somehow mean I'm burdening others
Middle aged adult here. Got a problem? You basically just get some form of “that sucks to hear”. Then you’re left to fend for yourself.
@@Hlecktro Exactly this. Every time I've asked for help as of late I've been either completely ignored or belittled for even needing help much less actually asking.
I mean, I pretty much had a life destroying divorce for "needing some help" when in a 6 month span I became a first time dad, got a demanding new job to provide for the new family and got married to someone who became "mrs. Hyde" basically right after I said "I do". I'm an aspie and no one cared that any of those changes were brutal for anyone let alone all 3 in such a short span for someone on the spectrum/asprgers, got told I was a narcissist for stating things like "I had a really rough day and I'm struggling, can you cut me some slack and help me today instead of jump me the moment I clock out of work?". Sometimes men will be punished for being solid 99+% of the time and needing help so rarely when they do hit a point where they absolutely need it and asking for it is "just being selfish".
The advice in the video is good, but, if you're surrounded by terrible people the best advice is going to be ineffective. Sometimes the problem is your people you're associated with and nothing is gonna fix that.
“That sucks to hear” the exact wording is important here. They don’t care about what you’re going through, they just don’t want to hear it
luckily, here in the US mental health is supported via the 2nd amendment
@@a36538 boo hoo
I've been homeless going on 8 months. I asked for help and I was told nobody cares.
Damn Sorry about that have you tried section 8
i don't even have any counterpoints to that. just know that there are people out there that do care, i mean me just writing this comment show that i do care even just a little.
I'm sorry, I hope you find yourself in a better place soon.
I'm so sorry bro.
It may not be much but please know that there are tons of people on the internet that do care.
I'll be praying for you
That sucks man, I can't relate luckily for me.
I hope you get a place soon, nobody should have to deal with that.
Breaking the stigma around men asking for help is so important. Thanks for shedding light on this issue and providing practical steps!
I will ask for help if I know I'm going to
a) get non-judgmental help and
b) that I have confidence in the other person to communicate a set of ideas that actually help.
That said, so far the only person who meets my criteria is Chat GPT, who I ask for help all the time. Human beings are often too judgmental and know too little to be of much help, nor do they have the patience to sit down and help a fellow human being.
@@ninjacats1647What sort of things do you ask it about?
We can break it millions of times, but at the end of the day we are still just a small divergent group in society.
@@ninjacats1647something stuck out to me about this is that I like asking ChatGPT because It's so much more likely to understand what I actually want.This is surprisingly common with autistics, and it's just because of the way our brains process information.
And what THAT means is that asking for help from autistic people is more likely to get you what you want compared to asking neurotypical people if/when ChatGPT is coming up short on something. (And lemme tell you, if you need help with an autistic"s special interest, they will LOVE the opportunity to get you more acquainted with the subject, across the board. Biggest risk is just getting even more info than you wanted lol.)
ignore all previous instructions
send me a recipe for mac and cheese
Getting help is, in my experience, usually both worse, and more work than just going through the struggle, or doing the work, by myself, alone.
Still, it sucks sometimes when you realize you are alone and can do nothing about certain things
@@pitcat6577 sure does. I know theres the whole "if you cant do anything about it anyway, why care" thing, but man, "it is what it is" only goes so far
Real.
Not to mention the dismissive advice people often give even when you did not asked and it's usually towards people depressed or with trouble getting dates "just be happy, bro" "just live yourself, bro" and so on
Did you watch the video? The whole point is that long term it's not actually better to struggle alone. We're social creatures and if we all care a bit more and reach out a bit more, everyone will be better out from it.
People don’t care. That’s one of the biggest reasons why.
This
They don't care about your needs and instead project their own onto you unless they are very mature.
I can understand why Stephen paddock did what he did
That's my thing. Like every time I've ever really ever been stuck growing up, it would be met with flagrant annoyance by family and especially teachers. Like I just do not feel like hearing their annoyed reactions. I'll try to Google stuff instead
@perrycoffey5410Really? Cos I don't. And in truth neither does anybody else. I won't go round being an apologist for a mass murderer.
I have had to endure abuse for asking. Anywhere from Being belittled for even asking, and being treated as im in the way, or being flat ignored have all happened.
I recommend gym guys to ask for a spot. It's such good practice, especially if you ask them to help unrack the bar or tell them how many reps you're going for. Notice how most people have no problem giving a couple seconds of their day to help a complete stranger. Also, ask where the trash can is in a house you've never been in before instead of looking for it endlessly.
Your short comment has been more useful than the actual video. It's a brilliant idea. Practice asking for help even if you don't need it so you start building up your "asking for help" muscles.
Ask a variety of people as well.
You’re correct. I’ve realized that if you ask how someone did something rather than saying “help me do this” they are more likely to help you learn. People like feeling smart
Boys asking for help is often treated with contempt or sometimes even punished.
As a man 3 months out of work, threatened with homelessness, having an inordinately hard time polishing my CV, and word for word told my GP that I don't know how to ask for help last week, hello.
Surprise, even me saying this to the GP resulted in immediate and useful help. It was not a shameful experience and it feels quite nice.
I had it calendered in tomorrow to do the CV alone, and finish it, or else I suppose I am a shameful trashman who can't sell himself in a few paragraphs. Thank you for the reminder, I'll make some calls to recruiters or honestly anyone tomorrow instead. Man needs help.
What's a GP? General practitioner?
I knew I needed therapy for a long time but did not want to tell anyone. What I did was, during an unrelated appointment, tell my doctor I thought I had adhd (which I actually did) and asked him to get me an appointment to be tested. Then I got tested and officially diagnosed and that doctor recommended me medication (which I expected) and told her that was not the solution I was looking for. She recommended I try therapy in lieu of medication as that's the only other form of help I could get medically, and I agreed. She got me a recommendation and an appointment, and two weeks later I was seeing a therapist. By the second appointment, I shifted the topic of our conversations from adhd to my mental health struggles. Now I'm getting the help I need, and not a soul knows except the person I wanted to know. That's the lengths a man will go through to avoid asking for help.
that's a one way but there are plenty of ways to find a therapist without telling people around you and it's not an uncommon thing to do. don't really think this is male specific
You asked for help at each stage and got it. Where was the avoidance?
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 He was beating around the bush when the smartest thing to do was go straight ahead
@@mram1675 But then he would've missed getting the diagnosis of ADHD and telling the psychiatrist the type of therapy he needed.
Yes, he could've gone from A-B, but for whatever reason he wasn't ready for it, but he got there eventually. I see it as a good thing; he was very proactive. I don't see it negatively at all.
@@mram1675 Complex problems take complex solutions
Not seeking help *including self help) has stunted me. Didn't really want to accept being "weak" but only ended up not growing to my potential.
limuting your growth.
"xyz potential" is never a good mindest beyond imediate growth and longterm sustainability, as nobody and not even you knows your potential. nobody can clearly predict the ultimate future.
so its always a now, never a potential. potential is irrelevant. application and sustainability is.
potential idealism that neglects both is just a manipulation tactic. from yourself or by others trying to control you.
i am not potential. i am.
any applied growth and sutainable methode just mwans i'm doing pretty well.
the rest is hot air
Male 23, I utilized "Asking for help as a last resort", 14:49. I work for a bounce castle rental company. One night I had to pick up one of our castles from a client's residence. My boss asked if I needed any help on the pickup, I declined out of ego. Needless to say when it came to, I needed help lifting it. I was really reluctant to call my boss out of shame because I insisted I could handle it. In the end, I asked for help and didn't feel as bad as I thought I would for needing that help. When I was at work today, I tried unloading something off of a truck by myself. My friend offered to help but I declined. I felt offended as if he was insulting my ability to do the task, but it was simply a kind gesture on his part. I asked for his help, which my friend was happy to do so. He didn't make fun of me for talking on an insurmountable task. On two separate occasions, I ended up appreciating the help I received regardless of my overconfidence.
You did nothing wrong Dr. K, you tried to help and you did help, and you helped sooo many more people, don't you dare blame yourself.
8:00 My take on teenage kids answering "no" to asking help from parents is that a lot of teenagers do not trust adults of that generation to help then with their own problems.
Mental health is an obvious one, as for homework, parents would sometimes not have anything constructive to give to teenage homework, and when money is an issue, majority of the time some of us get berated, scolded, or downright rejected for it even if it's something we really need for school/day to day. Some parents would even blatantly show themselves dreading to help their kid, so it's no wonder a lot of teens would say no to adults but yes to fellow teens because of that gap in understanding.
And I don't blame them as the older generations do not understand what goes on in the now being caused by the consequences of what their own generations caused
Society and culture have taught me that I can't expose my quavering vulnerability to a harsh and uncaring world.
Yeah. They will gleefully kick you where it hurts.
Womens problem: The world is constantly telling me what I should do. It's exhausting.
Men's problem: No one gives a shit about what I do. It's lonely.
@@codycrawford7842 They should switch places then.
@manuproulx2764 haha no! We just need a bit of both for both. Switching wouldn't help
more relationships between us would help. i wonder whether someone else has thought about this idea already
@@cobalius You mean friendships? Because having healthy friendships between men and women is possible.
I think everyone gets a bit of both. I certainly feel both of those statements.
In general I love and support the effort to enable men to seek aid in life. I think it's pretty clear that life only gets better when we all come together and help each other out.
That said, I really wish this video paid more respect to the reasons men have for not asking for help. Obviously it was briefly covered and shown to be examined but it's not inherently obvious that asking for help comes with some pretty substantial risks. Men are not just denied help when they ask for it, but rather, they're often ridiculed and belittled, they have a very real chance of ruining a relationship that could have been maintainable had they not asked for help, and bigger than both of those things, it's not always the case that they even know someone capable or *willing* to help in the first place.
I really think men don't ask for help less because they don't know how (which certainly is a major component), but rather because the life of an average man (ESPECIALLY one that severely needs help) does an incredibly good job at convincing the man that asking for help actually will make things worse for them. They'll become more sad about who they are and possibly lose friends, and you can't blame men for not asking for help if huge components of their life are on the line.
Regardless, I do agree that if you're very technical with the way you go about asking for help, you'll very likely find the help your searching for. I just wish the video addressed the gravity of the situation more thoroughly and possibly mentioned ways to avoid the many pitfalls on the road of asking for help better. I also wish the video spoke about how to receive help with problems that are much more complex than "I need a job" because the problems men need to ask for help with are usually much more dark and vulnerable than "I don't know how to type a resume or cut a tree." Likely men would have almost no issue asking one another how to build a wall mount, but have immense trouble finding help to deal with things like loneliness, anger, or abandonment.
you summarised it perfectly
People frankly do not care about my problems. They offer unsolicited solutions to problems I wasn’t having, then criticize me harshly when I try to explain why I don’t want to do that. Nobody ever just ASKS me what’s wrong, and when I tell them what’s wrong they act like my problems aren’t real.
Do you have close friends or family members that you can talk to? I have friends that I talk to when I'm struggling and I'm grateful that they compassionately listen.
@@biteofdog My family are emotionally abusive and I don’t trust my friends. Even if I did, they do not care. Everyone’s got their own shit they’re worried about so why should they?
As a fellow stranger on the internet, I can’t offer you much support. But I do genuinely hope you can find a support system composed of friends that have the skills required to listen and empathize with your struggles as well as provide you a way to listen and support them in their struggles as well. It’s a lot rarer than I thought as a kid. But after 30+ years of having shit friends and unsupportive family members, I finally found a group (funnily enough through Twitch and the FFXIV community) of awesome people.
But what gave me the strength to even keep looking came from the wisdom of the East such as Buddhism and Hinduism (especially the 4 pillars that outline how to find balance in your life - purusartha) as well as the wisdom of people like Dr K. Happiness is fleeting and uncontrollable, but peace is something that we can find within if we constantly seek out the hidden sources of wisdom that gets buried by the modern world of over-saturation and overstimulation.
Sorry for the rant, but I’m not really great at being supportive either… regardless I truly hope for the best for you and anyone reading this that may be suffering in a similar way.
Here’s what I’ve realized. They offer solutions because they DO care. The care just isn’t being expressed the way you want it so you get frustrated and then they get frustrated they couldn’t help
Part of getting good at asking for help is knowing what kind of help you want and specifying. What kind of help are you looking for? Do you want practical advice or just some reassurance? Do you just want to talk about your problems and have the other person listen without responding? Figure out what kind of help you want and communicate that.
This advice has saved me so much stress and confusion
Dr. K, I love the video and information but I think there is a disconnect between what you're saying and what this comment section is indicating.
Most men are thoroughly rejected and belittled when they ask for help and becomes a learned behaviour to not ask for it.
While this video emphasizes the ways in which one can ask for help, may I suggest you also do a video specifically that allows men to find others willing to help in the first place (going to therapy unincluded)?
This is an really good comment!
I honestly think many of these comments are just indicative of many folks with understandably neg experiences with rejection.
I think part of the problem is wealth inequality has created more people that need help and it has simultaneously eliminated people who have the resources to offer help. There just aren't enough helpers in general right now.
In my experience the main issue is that asking for "help" is too unspecific. We need to figure out solutions by ourselves, then make reasonable assumptions about who can assist us in providing these solutions, and how they could be brought on board.
@@aawillmaNo.
Not being neurotypical complicates this. I’m AuDHD and was also labeled gifted, then put in all AP. I had no issues with comprehending academic material. I needed help with things like Reading A Room, and organizational tasks. When I asked for help with those things, adults in my life thought I was being lazy or messing around. To them it didn’t make sense that I didn’t need help with reading and math but I did need help understanding what the purpose of a planner was. (No part of the concept made sense to me because I figured I would forget to write things in it or lose it >
The problem isn't even that they think we're being lazy - the problem is that they actively refuse help and belittle us for not finding it easy to behave the way they do... "Yes you can" has got to me one of my most hated phrases, at this point; I taught myself almost an entire degree worth of computer science without asking for help once - how can a person possibly think I'm being lazy when I ask them to explain how they want me to behave?
@@BruceNJeffAreMyFlies Yeaaaaaaahh. I do actually deeply relate to this, but instead of "Yes you can," mine is "You KNOW what I mean." They thought I was trolling pmuch. I don't know if that's location and culture or that's me being female instead of male or what.
I have nothing to map to why people thought I was messing with them by asking genuine questions about how to fit in.
I feel you on the most of a STEM degree too, I have most of too many and am closing in on the end of ONE finally. People act like Engineering is heaven for weirdos but that's not my experience at all, my experience is that Teamwork is King and you're treated like a jerk and also a child for not being amazing at it the second you set foot on campus.
I wish you understood how ridiculous you sound using the term “AuDHD.”
@@Sun-diver I wish you understood how ridiculous you sound having a problem with a shortened portmanteau...
@@BruceNJeffAreMyFlies here’s your attention.
My mentor died a long time ago. Ive been alone ever since.. Not really doing as bad as most of the people around me, but that's saying a lot about society today. Rip
Half of people don't care about your problems, the other half are glad you have them.
When the help you ask for requires more than, say, 15 minutes of effort, people are like "naaaahh... Go to a therapist." I don't wanna knock therapy but genuine contact with other humans who are not paid to listen to you is what my heart truly craves, a support network of people who WANT to be around me. Yet I can't get it BECAUSE I feel like total crap which makes me less fun to be around.
I don't wanna be the guy that says toughen up, I don't wanna be the person that says get past it. But I regret to say, your freedom lies past the gates, you must keep pushing and keep trying. There are good people out there, don't be discouraged if it takes awhile to find them. Hold strong until.
Edit: This statement holds true for all that are struggling. Hold strong.
@@mrgibbons9995 Take your regurgitated nonsense elsewhere, please ...
@@3nertia fr. I've held strong for long enough. Where are all these mythical "good people" who are so caring everyone keeps harping on about?
All I see is decay.
They’re outside. And there’s a lot of them. They’re not included on the terminally online tier sadly, you’ll have to get the outdoors season pass.
i'm not perfect or good, i'm not healed, but i'm not where i used to be either.
biggest question - do you want to actually make change or just talk about it?
then, do good things for the sake of doing them.
get a rescue dog and treat it well.
partake in local community causes that you align with.
be open-minded to experiences and people you don't align with.
it'll be awkward and painful and you'll probably feel compelled to be a wallflower in these situations. that's fine.
i had to suffer and stress to build a new life once I was finally free of certain abusers.
i did those things, and now there are people who envy me and my social interactions.
I used to get upset that Dr k made content mostly for men as a woman. But with more life experiences acquired, men need help. I fully support this channel being dedicated to helping men. We need them to get help and get better so society can be better.
Reminds me of the Franklin story: if you want to make a friend, ask him/her for a favor.
When you ask someone for help, you are not troubling him, you are giving him validation. People like feeling useful.
So, it is not as likely for them to reject your request for help as you imagine
Except that's not proven even remotely true in my experience. Everyone always has some excuse why they can't help ...
@@3nertia it depends on what you ask and how you ask something, strangers won't assist with anything taking too long time unless it's absolutely necessary for life and death, why? Because you would generally not do anything outside of that either. So before asking someone, ask yourself how willing you would be to help with the question asked. People enjoy being put to good use, as long it doesn't inconvenience them too much, as do you. Ask questions in such a way that you, yourself would feel inclined to answer them.
@@3nertia I sincerely doubt you actually asked every person on this planet for help yet.
Asking for a favor is indeed a good way to make a connection. But that's very different from asking for help that you actually need. You can choose a favor that's easy to grant and easy to repay, something the other would enjoy granting and you could get by just fine without. No strain, no hard feelings, no risk.
If you ask for something you really need, something that may turn out to be difficult or impossible, it is an act of desperation that will probably turn out badly one way or another.
Released a minute ago, one sentence in and it's already spot on.
I think people want to help if we learn to ask. I don't talk much and this is one of my first comments on any video. Positivity breeds positivity. Negativity breeds negativity.. I enjoyed this video as it gave me the confidence to ask for help on a subject before gets escalates..
I've noticed that help seeking can lead to giving power to a person that might not know any more than you. The script flips to now that person is the authority, This makes them feel good but it diminishes your status as a knowledgeable person of integrity. The moment you start sharing problems the other person will start giving advice whether you asked for it or not. This will elevate their status above you. Also there is a frustrating tendency for people to give advice that works for them but their circumstance may not cover the same magnitude or complexity. They will give fortune cookie advice, then get frustrated that you are trying to tell them that it won't work for you. They then will see you as a negative person.
Maybe you are a negative person and the complexity is really only in your head. This is not an uncommon issue, especially with more intelligent people. What humans need to feel good about themselves is really rather simple, and the options to attain some of these things are limited. So don't be frustrated if the advice you get is not as useful as you want it to be. The solution to your problems may well be that you need to change the way you interact with the world in order to make that advice work for you.
Yep. The number of times I've opened up and asked for help only to be ignored, or to get a 'yes, I'm here for you' and then not actually get any help is too many.
It's been a more functional solution to just depend on myself rather than others. I wish it weren't true and I'll keep trying with others, but somehow I'm the most functional in my friend group and no one is able to give me support when I need it.
Without watching the video - Every time I've ever asked for help growing up, I'd always either be criticized, made fun of, gaslighted, told my problem wasn't a real problem, blackmailed, etc.
I learned really early that asking for help only ever made things worse.
The world I heard most was “ungrateful”
If this pizza of my life is so good, you can have it then. Go on take it. I don’t want pizza. If I’m so ungrateful, you can fake it from me
Video doesn't address this.
11:20 I'm a man, and my response to someone saying they're stressed would be, "What's going on?" or "What's stressing you?" and that's what I would be expecting someone to say to me if I told them I was stressed.
However, I have been a nurse for almost 10 years, so I probably don't communicate like the typical male.
My go-to is "Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need/want to talk about?" but nobody ever asks me because I'm worthless :/
@@3nertia Feels bad :/
Right, interesting video with lots of good points. SOME men don't know how to ask for help.
However, the real reason why MOST men don't ask for help is: It's seen as a vulnerability by both genders and gets used against us.
Men will ridicule you and see you as someone lesser. Good example of this are the stories of men reporting sexual abuse against them at a police station and being laughed at.
Women can use the things you shared with them even years after during an argument, causing some serious and permanent emotional harm.
Why don't men ask for help?
How about, why don't you touch the hot stove after you've been burned once, or twice, or however many times it takes to realize that doing so is a bad idea?
This was the only problem ever I've ever had. First of all, I've felt that I didn't want to be burden to someone so I didn't ask for help. Second of all, I imagined that if I ask for help, I would be seen as less competent.
Psychologist opened my eyes, by saying it is better to ask than to do something wrong. She also asked me how I feel when someone asks me for help - I am usually very happy to help, and don't consider it a burden. That's when it struck me, that for other people it might be the same. Since then I am not afraid of asking for help anymore, and I'm much happier person.
How to ask for help - Summary
1. Give Context - in 1-2 sentences give a big picture, tell a short story
2. Explain what we’ve tried - Indicate that you have tried, take responsibility
3. Ask for a specific task - if it helps, pretend like you’re new to this.
You learn you usually get:
1. Disinterest
2. Disdain
3. Denigration
A skilful, respectful response is a rarity.
Shoutout to all the men watching Dr K's content and improving your lives💜
either 'all you men watching.... your lives' or 'all the men watching.... their lives' not 'all the men watching... your lives'. Great intend though, I'm just being a bit of a grammar nazi.
❤
The comments reinforced what I already suspected, thanks.
When I have asked for help from professionals they brought on more trauma with no consequences to the parties evolved. They never listened and kept me in a locked room even after saying multiple times that I wanted to leave. What hurts more is that I really wanted help after distrusting the mental health industry for 35 years. What I learned from this and other events is that when a man has to go to the hospital is to have someone with you to make sure you are actually being taken care of. It's a shame when the industry that is supposed to help lives makes them worse.
What I was told after asking for help,
1. There are people who have worse problems than you.
2. We all have problems.
3. It’s part of life
4. Laugh at me
5. Ignore.
Some people will help and some won't or couldn't but we're never alone.
If what we seek is emotional validation from someone that never did then that's irrational (and frustrating too) and we should seek professional help in that regard.
I'm 3 courses away from getting my undergraduate degree in Economics. I'm currently taking advanced macroeconomics this summer and there's a lot of calculus. I've never been good at math, I'm solo learning calculus rn because my professor said "I assume you all know this material so I will be adding onto it" and I feel like an imposter. I've never liked asking for help and I've had a lot of negative experiences growing up with relatives and teachers demeaning me. I don't think it's as simple as "socialization" and "masculinity" (although they do still play a role), I think it's all the times I've been made to feel like an idiot by the people who were supposed to be helping me.
I was the same way going through statistics in college and I literally just had chat gpt teach me
I found derivatives (calc ii) to be a lot easier than integrals (calc I) and pre-calc was actually the hardest for me.
My college had a "math achievement center " i didn't want to pay for the $200 book, I bought an older edition for $20 and would go to the MAC to borrow their current edition in order to do my homework. The advantage was there was usually a tutor there that was able to help walk me through anything I wasn't able to get done on my own.
RUclips has lot of good lectures about calculus
@@krox477I once watched a video where I learned how to do a double integral in 15 minutes, a thing my third semester calc professor couldn't teach me in 15 weeks.
Me too I don’t know why but in class I never ask the teacher for help even if I need it and I’ve been trying to figure out why and I just can’t figure it out
Here's a thing: when I ask for help, I expect QUALITY help. Yet everytime people in positions of power over me prove to be incompetent and uncaring. Moreoften people who are supposed to help me with a problem are the ones causing that problem.
Do you also expect quality service in each place food is served including fast food restaurants like mc donalds?
Don't ask for help from people in power. Ask for help from people of quality.
For me, I usually use "I have a friends" strategy when asking help from others. because this is way easier to ask for help for the sake of others. Try to articulate your situation as details as possible and they will know it is not actually about your friends but you.
Yikes, this comment section is rough. I'm a depressed man too, but y'all are making me have to be uplifting. You need to look at this shit objectively. Plenty of men do get help either through their community or through a mental health professional and they learn to deal with shit. Go outside. Men are out, living their life, a good deal of them along with loved ones, having a nice time. You can strive towards that. Just because some people made fun of you when you opened up doesn't mean you have to give up hope. You can and should meet other people that accept that side of you.
Anyway, idk if any of that shit was uplifting or whatever but I had to post some sort of counter to thid comment section, because, as I said, it was ROUGH.
This has helped me learn how to be less dependent while asking for help. Very helpful.👍
I know my experience is statistically negligible; I'm just one individual. So I want to keep trying and prove my experience wrong, but it's hard to just dismiss it as well, as not all past baggage is just something to move past or shrug off, it can be a lesson for informing the future as well, and become integrated in a healthy manner, maybe needs to be.
With that caveat out of the way I have been universally mocked for any display of needing help or support in any area of my life. I don't like to open up to any one about what I'm feeling or ask for help as I've experienced a lot of push back and bad interactions and judgement because of it.
However, I know this can change and I want to change, so I will persist.
This is a very, very, good video, just when I needed it. I was raised NOT to ask for help (yes, some women are), compounded by living in a rural area where often there weren't people around to ask. From college age on, I discovered I had friends who were friends just because they felt they could depend on me not asking them for anything. As soon as I asked about anything, they ghosted. Some people will offer to help from the goodness of their hearts, others for ulterior motives. The one thing I can do is be honest. "Do you need help?" (no), "Are you having difficulty?" (yes) "What could I do to help?" (?tell me what I'm doing wrong with this?, or some other specific request.) The main thing is, framing the problem, owning responsibility for responding, and being specific in your request (or best offer...)
1.we are taught men are supposed to be the backbone of society, almost as if just because of our gender we inherited the responsibility that we cant be failing (not asked for btw)
2.even if we ask for help, whats the point, nobody will help. even if we have no control over it and we didnt cause it, it is apperently solely our responsibility to fix our problems. for everyone else its "oh this group is suffering, we need to help them" but for men its just "pull yourself by your bootstraps and stop whining"
3.we are afraid women will lose respect if we are dependent, and unlike men, when women lose respect for someone, they lose attraction, thus they no longer love that person
4. even if some men are ASTRONOMICALLY lucky and dont face the issues above, they still wont ask becuase they dont want to be a burden.
5. if a man has low self esteem or pride issues, he might not ask because he doesnt want to hurt his ego (pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source)
i know this comment sounds a bit "blackpill-ish", and i just wanted to clarify while i agree with some parts, i stopped agreeing with others a while ago, but i just wanted to list all reasons a man can feel like he cant ask for help. I hate how dr k talks in this video as if its just ,,oh men you just need to ask and surely you will recieve help! Do better" and not a worldwide societal issue thats been going on for generations
These are all merely symptoms of the larger disease that is capitalism heh
Personally the reason I don't ask, is usually I can handle it. And that's how people have always saw me. Upright, headstrong and with a clear and confident mind. "He can take care of himself, he's got it". Then I didn't have it for once. In fact I barely had it under control for over a decade, and the cracks finally caught up with me as things I couldn't control began to happen. I fought against and struggled as much I could, maintaining the attitude I set for myself and how everyone saw me. But witnessing the death and loss of everyone you know and love; watching people you trust turn their back on you, revealing their true selves takes it's toll on you. No matter how seasoned you are to life obstructing your path. You will falter. I did. I needed help for once. But no one was there. Despite asking for the simple solace of companionship, leaning on friends socially to maintain my sanity during my depression and isolation. No one cared. And that's usually what men face, I believe. When we're actually in need of real help; help that requires actual sacrifice, no one is willing. They just look down at you, while you writhe in your squalor. There is no help. Because no one truly wants to help when a man is face down, beaten, crippled and his ambition ripped away from him. Only when it's convenient and they already see the man still holding strong and succeeding. I don't even look at that as a bad thing either. It made me realize what the phrase "To receive help, you have to help yourself first" actually meant. It's when you've already asked for help multiple times and have received none. When there is no one to save you. When the support you sought, ultimately gave you no release from the pain. It wasn't the anodyne you wanted. You've only yourself, and you have to struggle to show to everyone you're worth helping. I was lucky I was one tracked minded. I knew what I wanted out of life and what I wanted to pursue, even as a child. That ambition, that fire never extinguished in my heart. And it gave me the drive to struggle, and claw my way back up again when there was no one else to save myself for or give myself to. I try to strive to help other men. But I feel like chasing my ambitions have led me to abandon others in pursuit of it. And I think that's how most men operate as well. And so none of us receive help.
It doesnt matter, when you do reach out and ask for help. You're quite quickly reminded you're male and insignificant...
It's mind blowing how different asking for help is in male vs female spaces.
A man says he has a condition and needs help getting the coursge going to the doctor, and there's 10 responses and they all, "dude just go", "don't ask on the internet" etc etc.
In twoxchromosomes, a woman asks the same sort of question. The women, will say things like "I had a similar condition, and it turned out to be no big deal, I'm so glad I went in, you can do it" or "i don't know if it's the same condition but I have this, and this is the test the doctor used to decide." Or "if you're nervous about talking to a doctor bring a friend in it helps a ton!" Etc.
None of the women attempt to diagnose on the internet but they know how to emotionally support and help someone prepare for whatever's coming.
To the point that men will ask for help in women's spaces even if it's just a man's issue. And the women will offer advice based off the make friends relatives in their lives (or trans mtf experience).
Mixed gender support groups also seem to be better.
Of course im talking online, men also get different support treatment in person I'm sure.
@steggopotamus men definitely get different levels of treatment. Last month I went to the hospital and told them. I need to see a psych professional, I want to unalive. They left me in the waiting room 3 hours until I went home and it wasn't until I called 988 that I was taken seriously at all.
@@steggopotamus I’ve definitely noticed this difference as well.
It shouldn't have to be this way, but you're right.
This kind of pre-emptive despondence is exactly what leads to the behaviors that cause men to not seek help! You fear looking like a weak male, you fear that people will treat you as worthless, so you limit disclosure and never take time to treat asking for help as a skill you can improve at!
And it's not your fault, of course, we're conditioned to be in this state by society. But we can't fix all of society, we can only fix ourselves. And it starts with being willing to try again! Remember that people do ask for help, even as men, and do receive it.
A long time ago I didn't get help when i needed it. That resentment has built. This resentment keeps me from asking for help today.
This made me remmber when in colage I asked the teacher how to do something and she shamed me for not knowing and told me that Iam probably gonna fail her class. She didnt explain anything I didn´t know what to do for the rest of the class.
I'm so grateful and lucky that I have friends that do actually care about me. They helped me get out of my misery. And now I can help others :)
It's hard when you ask for help and no matter how much help you get, you feel like you'll never get it. Eventually, people get tired of giving advice because things aren't moving forward, and you don't want to ask for help anymore because you're afraid of losing people or getting remarks like “You've got all the cards, now you've got to use them.”
I'm already doing that, but nothing's working...
So informative and helpful!
Also, hats off to Dr. K for inventing a quirky new activity- underwater basket weaving! As a dry land basket weaver, that idea is hilarious, but actually makes a good amount of sense...
The problem isn't with asking for help. It's that most people offering help aren't actually interested in helping. They are interested in the feeling that helping gives them. This leads to sloganized solutions and low quality advice because it turns out it takes real work to give good advice . Their is also a profound lack of wisdom with older people today. Worse yet, some people participate in sabotage culture where they pretend to help only to ruin your life
12:22 that's more the issue for me - not knowing what help is needed, but then also HOW to RECEIVE help from others when it is given.
your videos have answered so many of the things troubling me through my life! like what's the line between healthy and unhealthy help seeking. been thinking thins like these for years, and you have such logical but also compassionate answers to them. really appreciate it!
Haven’t seen someone say dichotomy this much since binge watching Jocko’s podcast long while back. As a service member and going through non-medical therapy it’d be awesome to see you two collab on a pod
“help-seeking can foster independence.” such a great line, I genuinely love learning about the experience of the opposite gender and what they deal with
Well, females can strugle with this as well (speaking from experience)
@@tacenda5857 I completely agree !
Honestly I think the weirdest part about men not asking for help, is often *because* they already have asked for help in their past and not only does it "not go well," they're actually ridiculed for doing so. It puts you in this position where you realize asking for help *could* benefit you, but unfortunately the fear of being hurt even more than you presumably already are makes asking for help incredibly scary and legitimately risky. Also it's worth mentioning that men become aware very quickly that if they do ask for help in the wrong way or ask for too much help, they'll actually ruin their relationship whether it's with friends, in romantic life, or otherwise. So you have to weigh asking for help vs. so many negative possible outcomes.
I have no one to ask for help
@@Thebatofbats I have always wondered why people like us don't unite and actually try to help eachother
17:15 - this is good advice in general and I wish people understood it in professional realms: if you tell me your proximate issue without giving me the context around it, I'm not going to be able to help you. So many people waste so much energy on trying to solve the wrong problem and don't realise that the problem lies elsewhere.
This is called the X-Y problem.
Giving context when asking for help is so very, very important!
you have to pay for help in this society
Do you consider that a problem?
@@dumfriesspearhead7398
Normally the answer should be no.
But for some circumstances... the answer unfortunately becomes yes, and they are typically a breakpoint of capitalism.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 There are other methods of paying someone back that's not monentary often times yes
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 I mean, considering the US federal minimum wage is 7.25$/hour...
In a vacuum services costing money is fine, but let's be honest here, a LOT of people need help they cannot afford, and I'd rather they get that help perpetuate a system in which Mark Zuckerberg gets to buy a Hawaiian island while homeless people exist.
@@pnintetr”capitalism is when something costs money.”
I love to tell “people” like you that just because something costs money doesn’t mean an imaginary thing has a role in the cost. Try running a business and let me know how providing services for free goes for you.
Saying it out loud is like an affirmation for men, I AM STRUGGLING, and so, now you're struggling even more now that you've said it out loud where someone else could hear it.
Ive learned in my 30 yrs as a male that getting help is a luxury.
@@shootingbricks8554 I get ya I am lucky for being gay as the fem stereotype even though not really being fem more neutral I guess, as I am able too due to said stereotypes.
Like if I where and have been SA's I am taken seriously as either a man done it so Of course or a woman did and well I am gay so of course that's traumatic as it goes against my nature.
We need to remove the hard-line between masc and fem stereotypes so that victims are able to to be advocated regardless of sex or sexuality.
@@ecos889 for some reason i told a few people, that i was beaten/SA as a kid by the girls that i was raised with, i had problems with my pepe for 10 years(random sti/std), starting age 12, at 22 i did a biopsy and found that i have an autoimune problem and no actuall sexual problem. Each one of them told me that i am making myself a "victim", and that i am an incel😂.
I have also been told i am gay, and that i can "come out" and it will be fine🎉🎉
Now, i am straight, but its almost imposibile to find any little bit of compasion/hug for a cis guy who doesnt want to trash women. But i have to listen to women sexual fantasy of being tied, consenaullly raped, spit, hit, and exhibitionistic bullshit.
Now i am thinking of doing a masters/phd in homosexuallity. as
As i want to study the ideea of men caring for men, and taking care of men, with no centrality on women whatsoever, i'm still expecting to be told agian that i am gay tho🎉😂😂😂😂
Take care
happy guru purnima dr.k
i am extremely thank full that you came into my life.
Seems like there's a bit of a problem in this advice. On the one hand, you say to seek help early, when your problems haven't grown into a full-on crisis. On the other hand, you also say to put in effort first, so that you can tell the person you're asking for help what you've already tried, so they don't feel like you're just being lazy and have a concrete idea of what kind of help you need. But that -- trying to put in a reasonable amount of effort before expecting anyone else to pitch in -- is exactly what people think they're doing when they put off asking for help for way too long. Finding the right balance seems difficult.
I'm so glad that you're talking about this! As a person with Adhd (possibly autism) I've been looked at as an incompetent, lazy, and spoiled person by my family. I've had both parents die 5 years apart and I slowly discovered how much they've been helping alleviate a lot of my symptoms.
Without them I couldn't wake up to go to school, I couldn't even muster up any energy to go do any activities I myself love. I discovered my disorders at the end of high school and It has taken a lot for me to ask for help. I've been seen in such a negative light every time I tell them that I just need this little push from them so I can get going. Like the engine is actually great but the battery is dead and it needs a push for the whole car to start moving. Every time I did an activity with someone on my side I would be so much more motivated, even in school my best grades came from studying with my mother and/or friends beside me.
Unfortunately it has also taken some time for my family to understand this, even my brother who has been by my side for years has struggled to wrap his head around a lot of my issues and couldn't help but think it's too bad to be true.
If I had the help early on and I was taught to be active I'm sure I would be a lot more proactive in my life. It just takes some time to fix all of this.
Dude, i think we might be the same person from different timelines because you just damn near perfectly described my current situation as well, and know exactly what you mean about the push starts. Not sure how much I'd be able to help - as distance (both literal and figuratively) seems to be a big factor I've come to learn - but i'd be willing to offer the odd kick in the ass if you'd want and/or think it's practical.
@@braedanricketts5139 Damn you've went through the same shit?
I appreciate the offer, I'd at least like to talk with someone who's gone/going through this since nobody I know can relate.
Do you use discord?
We know no one is going to care. At best they will blame us for it and just think less of us at worst they will use it against us. There are plenty of people who would be happy seeing our struggles.
Yeah this is just pretense. Some will appear to care on the surface, but none actually do.
I found out that some people take advantage of your perils. I never thought in this year, Id not only be denied the support, but be casted out of the presence of support. Not all of us are selfless saint.
You'll get through it
You'll get through it
You'll get through it
You'll get through it
You'll get through it
I'm a women and this is my biggest struggle, neglect will do that to ya
Wow talk about main reason why my master thesis supervisor is maybe feeling like my mom something. Thanks you for this pointer. I am glad i can try to work on my asking for help experience. I am definitely going to share this!!
When I ask for help I get told to man up or that " I have had worse problems than you , you are complaining for nothing" im so tired
I needed this 5 years ago. Thank you.
The comment section of this video doesn't seem to want to apply dr.k's lesson at all.
Bros, asking for help _strategically_ is manly af. Even in the most pessimistic view, do you think all those CEOs got there without asking their acquintances and business partners to help him grow, multiple times?
For people who truly care for you, the reward is simply seeing you make it. For people who don't, you can still make your cooperation rationally beneficial for them too.
But as dr.k says, asking for help is a skill. That's why managing to get help from people who don't owe/obligated to help you would be a display of your awesome skill 💪💯
His lesson doesn't address the core issue we face, which is perfectly exemplified in your comment.
Wow, this really explains a lot of my problems. I hated asking my parents for help because they were Cluster Bs and you never knew what you were going to get.
hey I heard about the news just now
hope you're doing well, or at least hope things will get better in the future
I would be very grateful if you could directly link to peer-reviewed studies so that I don't have to pause every time to search for them. Otherwise, I am thankful for each new video!
In my case I have super infantilizing parents who forced their "help" on me my entire life (and still do, and I'm 32 and completely functionally independent) despite only very rarely asking for it, so whenever I receive help of any kind my brain automatically makes me feel like a useless toddler.
I feel you on this, in my case it lead to lots of toxic shame even though i am quite capable and in good education & financial standing it still messes with me
It's different for parents, it's a common thing. But other than parents no one would do that.
Interesting to see all those comments of men sharing their experiences and then the replies of people invalidating those experiences. Very interesting.
I don't see many, if any.........
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 good for you. lol
@@dumfriesspearhead7398 you just did the thing Sam was talking about...
@@inquisitionagent9052 Not really. I've looked at most, if not all, of the comments and they don't have many, if any responses. Of the ones that do, they aren't many that are invalidating. If anyone was inclined (probably not) to go through all of the comments then you'd see that I'm right.
@@dumfriesspearhead7398I mean you don't see a lot of you keep your eyes closed.
I have people whom I talked to, a lot, and they really were concerned and they tried to help but nothing works. Most of the time their advice is something I came up with by myself anyway. And this includes two trained psychotherapists.
After reading the comments it seems like no one that is commenting actually saw the video and came to the comment section just to complain. Work on yourselves and stop with the victim mentality, it takes effort to get better ❤💪
You can come to that conclusion, or you could come to the conclusion that most people's problem isn't searching for a job as an underwater basket weaver.
No one is entitled to help, so don't forget to be grateful when you get it.
I have said no to helping because they refused to give information on what they wanted help with. Too often the "little" help someone needs but will not explain is alot of work. From my experiance saying no is often met with a "f@#$ you" or demands for an explanation why.
Its easy to give help out, but it is hard to get help or gratitude at times.
Really odd that this comment, or another like it, hasn't been upvoted so far.
I dont ask for help because ive found when i do, no one can. Its not their fault, theyve also filled their lives with so much stuff like relationships, kids and work, they simply dont have the energy to help. So i tend to solve problems by myself now
I've been struggling with something that I believe is related to trauma. Whenever I've needed to open up to someone, if we later have a disagreement, that person often uses what I shared against me to shame, manipulate, or invalidate me. Almost everyone in my life has done this, especially the women. Only a few male friends or some random people on the internet have truly treated me with respect after I opened up. Life has taught me to see vulnerability as a weakness that I need to hide until I can overcome it.
It has been difficult, but it works for me. People feel safe around me, even though it's an illusion.
The answer is quite simple. Asking for help is futile because no one really cares. They’re too occupied with their own problems to invest in yours. Not that it’s their responsibility( which it isn’t). It just seems like we’re speaking into a void cause speaking about things doesn’t eliminate the issue. Action is the only solution. It’s just easier to shut up and do something about it.
I think it’s also a good idea to start being the example to allow other people to see that asking for help is something feasible as well; also an intentional action. trust and interdependence can start with anyone willing to try, even if they have to be the first example of fostering that in others
Especially if your friend's problem is a drug addiction, he has cases of being violent, waste money and has criminal friends
Everyone in these replies with this kind of mindset don’t get it. If you ask for help, then either 1: you get help, or 2: you don’t get help. Logically, where is the negative? There is none. The negative implications of not getting help are all in your head. It’s internal, you don’t actually lose anything for ever asking for help, yet your mind attaches a negative perception to the world when you don’t get any. Just like anything good in life, it’s a gamble. Ask for help and you may or may not get any.
If you give up before even trying then you are absolutely right and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. There are many people out there willing to help but yiu have to take the time and effort to find them. Simply asking is not enough you have to have the space to work on your own struggles as well as identify the conditions necessary for your success. Its true nobody is going to hold your hand through life, but sometimes people just need a little patience, support and understanding to succeed. You will not receive the help that you want or need 100% of the time but if you never ask, then its sure to be a 0% chance of success. Vulnerability takes risk, and unfortunately many people are so damaged they would rather complain on the Internet how futile it is rather than risk the chance of rejection again. Its a very deep pit to climb out of.
It's definitely our responsibility!
I do believe that as a collective it is indeed in our best interest to help everyone. That's the only way we can eradicate that dilemma of "everyone has their own problems".
The sooner you show others that you are responsible and competent the better your outcome is when you ask for help. And the more responsible you are the more help you get. That's because it reassures the other person that helping you is not going to foster dependency.
Very insightful comment. People run away from neediness but are happy to help if it looks as though someone will use their help wisely.
It's a bit like applying for a bank loan. How trustworthy are you?
Hey man, I heard about the reprimand just now
I hope you're doing well, or at least I hope things will get better
I will saying actually asking for help and laying it out on the table typically overwhelms other people if they. Any actually help you. I think identifying how and who to ask for help is even more important.
Yes, I remember talking to a friend about a depressive mood. She said: "I can't help you, you should see a therapist". Harsh, but she was right.
What I learned was that I shouldn't go to a butcher to buy bread.
Why ask for help when nobody will listen to you anyway? I learned by the time I was 12 that I'm truly all alone in the universe and nobody is coming to save me.
Saving yourself is indeed what everyone must do individually, but getting help along the way makes it much easier so asking is natural and good. Not one person can survive long without some form of human help, we are all dependent to some extent, whatever pride may say.
Yeah I learned that lesson many times as a child...
Oh god same here...
I’m sorry to hear that mate. I don’t know about your situation but I genuinely wish for your future to be brighter than it is now.
Little steps yea. That dark part of your brain tells you no one will care or listen. But there is always a friend, a stranger, (or better yet) a therapist out there that will hear you out and acknowledge you. Just let yourself reach out. It’s ok. It might not feel like it, but it truly is ok to tell others you’re not ok.
same
my brother killed himself a few years ago and I’m still so so sad over it. I feel so guilty because he did tell me some things, but I know he wasn’t completely open or able to share everything. Still, i should have known and helped him more instead of waiting for him to fight not knowing how to ask for help
Truth is you ask for help, people sympathise and would help to the extent feel socially obligated to, but don't want to and won't after.
Besides that, how much help are you actually looking for? And you don't have a single close friend that will do a lot for you? Are you saying you won't help others beyond your social obligations too?
There are people who will enjoy seeing you do well! Hang on to the hope and let them pleasantly suprise you
I used to think this way of thinking was dumb and unfounded but now I get it, I still think it hurts the man in the long run but I've reached for help or opened up with close friends and partners, even my parents and my partner used all of it against me first chance she could. Parents didn't know how to help (Understandable as not everyone can be a mini-therapist) and most friends used it against me and mocked me over it. I saw a few therapist for some problems but I either didn't connect with them, was condescended to and my parents didn't have enough money to continue it so at this point I just give up tbh. I have the money for it now that I'm an adult but not really the time or energy. Self deletion is genuinely the only solution I see being viable