Let's be clear too, you can still have a great amount of empathy while holding people accountable. Empathy isn't some "step all over me because I have compassion" bs, it's literally a vein of social cohesion.
Just don't constantly step on others to get an edge on others. You don't have to get stepped over. Think of Goku from the original Dragon Ball series (in Z, it is just not that well pronounced, as the objective is more grandiose compared to anything we can do in our daily lives; so not so relatable).
There should always be a balance, empathy could help us give some helpful thoughts to someone's situation, but if they don't respect that and didn't even try to listen, just let them. It's not our responsibility to make someone "fix" themselves.
Our culture seems to look at empathy as a weakness, and this attitude permeates in everything around us. It's an us vs. them mentality that leads people into doing what they otherwise wouldn't.
EXACTLY, I was veryyy confused when I was acting or try to be emphaty to others and their response is like looking us as trying to get advantage and even disgust?
Exactly. That's so saddening. Empathy and kindness are the best qualities we, as humans, possess. Yet for some reason people look down upon it and choose to be a-holes instead. I get having your guard up, but not to the point of acting hostile towards everyone around without an ounce of empathy. The world would've been so much brighter if we normalized empathy, and if we changed that polluted mindset of it being a "weakness" It's only considered a weakness because people around are cruel, therefore the mindset of "survival of the fittest" dominates, and empathy is generally seen as not strong enough to survive in this world. It's ridiculous
I was extremely empathic as a kid and was relentlessly bullied for it for 15 years straight (from preschool til uni). So my brain learned not to show it, and now everyone sees me as cold and indifferent, although the feels are still there internally. Starting the HG trauma guide soon, wish me luck...
Would recommend therapy if possible. Thats exactly what its there for; the trauma guide is good as support or if you cant get a therapist, but real therapy is better.
If there's some level of concern that empathy is "weak", from your own mind or judgements from others, try envisioning big Braum energy (or a physically and mentally buff Santa Claus). Practice verbalizing and/or expressing empathy one person at a time to rewire your brain to not see it as a dangerous action. Similarly, if someone snickers or is cruel in response, that's a problem of their own they've neglected. Over time, any negative reaction to your empathy will diminish whatever power it previously had over you.
17:48 . At this point in the video, Dr. K announces that good leaders care about the people under them. The reality is that the best leaders lead from the bottom rather than the top. The best leaders care about the individual and how they grow rather than their immediate performance because once workers feel as though they are intrinsically cared for, they will never fear "messing up": you can't mess up being yourself. The best leaders are highly empathetic because they acknowledge that the people are the source of the product, and societies would be nothing without the people working underneath.
This one is huge. I’ve personally seen this when I worked in handyman work. My boss said he would never tell us to do something he wouldn’t do and he meant it. He admitted to being afraid of ladders and roofs, but he’d go up them anyway to show how to do things. He’s a super hardworking dude, not flawless, but definitely a good boss who cared for his workers and the kind of boss you’d feel bad to disappoint.
I think a lot of people underestimate just how much influence the car culture in places like America can severely impact community building and interpersonal relationships. Many people struggle to spend time in person with friends, since places to hang out are often far away or inaccessible by massive highways. This is especially difficult for youth who are not old enough to get a driver's license or experienced enough to be comfortable driving in some areas. Cities and suburbs broadly are often not constructed in a manner which facilitate in-person interactions; they are mostly designed for consumerism. It is just one facet of people's disconnect from others in today's society, but I think it is one that does not get discussed nearly enough.
I hear things are different in the EU where there is a highly developed transit, more personal architecture, etc. Would love to see some studies about this.
@@Tight_Conduct For sure, it will be nice to see future research on this. Of course, there are some factors to consider within these studies, since geographical conditions can also affect mental health. Many European countries have great walkability in their cities, though their distance from the equator can lead to higher levels of seasonal depression and Vitamin D deficiency -- especially towards Winter.
Ill add on to this and say growing up if i wanted to go places and couldnt cause of the things you listed, my parents would elicit an annoyed response because they are busy and dont want to take 30 minutes to drive me to a friends place
I agree so much. From where I live, to do activities like dancing, hangouts, or volleyball I always had to transit for an hour and then an hour back going home. At the same time I don't want to buy a car and make myself slave away to pay gas and insurances when money and time is limited. I'd rather save up and move out to downtown area
Dude, I can't even get a driver's license because of medical issues. My extracurriculars and socials are limited to the public transit schedule but I've made some good friends through carpool agreements. Carpool with the same person to work training for 2 weeks and start to make connections.
I truly believe in kindness & empathy without expecting or requiring an ounce of personal benefit. Beyond the simple fact that it *makes you and the person on the receiving end feel good.* It means something. Something so incredibly human and core to our state of being. I was fortunate enough to be raised to embrace & intuit empathy from a young age, but I understand not everyone, especially growing up on the internet we have today, is so lucky. There is so much isolationism and encouraged narcissism online, and in the world in general, like you said. Pushing back in the opposite direction feels necessary, it feels needed. Thank you for these videos, and bless you for helping put more goodness out into the world.
Empathy doesn't always feel good to give, though. If your own social needs haven't been met for many years, you may have nothing left to give. And then people take from you the little you tried to give in the hopes of being understood and tried with, in return. If people want to call that selfish, newsflash: it's not empathy to label this as such. I treat people with empathy; I sometimes talk to people I can tell are lonely. But invariably, I feel worse during and after. I feel even more alone, even though they walk away feeling better.
@@llIlIlllII If you have nothing left to give then there is nothing wrong with giving yourself time to refill. It’s like if someone asked me for help moving a fridge and I know I’m not physically strong enough to move one and could hurt myself I can absolutely say no. You have to be of sound mind and body yourself in order to help other people without expecting anything in return. Work on yourself spread positivity and others will do the same
@@llIlIlllII The trick is to form connections instead of just giving. Create or join a a nexus of exchange, like a sports club or a hobby circle. Giving tidbits of emotion here and there is, as you have realized, not sustainable, it drains you without a return on your investment. Governments in Europe are currently beginning to realize the consequences of the "loneliness epidemic", and are starting to take measures against it in the form of social groups. But each and every one of us has to realize that we still need to take ourselves to these places. It's not on you to make someone else connect to feel better. But we all can help to create places and situations in which it becomes easier. Now all I need to do is live by my own advice...
ooo, I actually felt an answer for this for years: Real empathy, the one which grants you health benefits and all the benefits tbh, comes from a place of emotional wealth, not from desperation, when a thought that you're not enough makes you behave empathic... That is why it is so hard to achieve, because in order to be empathic this way, you have to be the persona that is emotionally stable for not only that period of time, when it's action time, but even when you get into bed and look back on what are the things you did and acknowledge that you were ACTUALY nice for once, it sounds ridiculous, but its the scariest thing EVER for many including me, because then you'll slowly realize that you are closer to that "maxed out" persona that you kind of faked to be to make others feel good... I call it being empathic with yourself and its hard bc pretty much its cheesy lol
"EMPATHY WITHOUT HONESTY IS MANUPULATION" i needed help while attending college and people who i thought were helping me were asking me to do their work as pay back, they helped me so i would owe them But one person did showed me real empathy so i learned from that and i try to follow their example
I enjoy- "I've extremely empathetic" "I've been having a panic attack and you haven't noticed, I need a moment to breathe" .... Continues talking about whatever I initially interrupted bc of panic attack ....
what is manipulation with honesty, like. "hey im gonna try use persuasive language/ try pressure you into eating a healthy meal just so you're aware." is that just stating your conflict of interest?
Just my interpretation. My mom is the worst about that. She will insist on helping with something. Latest ex. was with a nephew. He was buying a used starter for his car, she INSISTED that she was going to buy him a new one. He's been doing whatever her current whim is since then. Build a fence, paint a door, do the yard, "where are you going? I wanted you to _____(whatever) today" It becomes a control tactic. A small Christmas present that cost $20 and doesn't even fit will cost you BIG time at some point. Maybe even a few years later. It's like she makes sick soul contracts with out even getting you to accept first. Just guilt and shame, that's the language she speaks.
I think some evidence of how selfish and individualistic society is becoming, is when you show someone basic kindness they might get attached really quickly. There's a trope about people, usually men, "falling in love" with someone for simply being nice to them in a way they've never experienced, as we also unfortunately seem to socialize people not to be all that considerate of other human beings outside of immediate family or romantic relationships. I'm really trying to work on seeing the human in others and not taking anything personally, while I simultaneously look to connect authentically with them. It can be really tough, when it seems like everyone is working two jobs while doing classes or something on the side, and basically don't have the time or energy to really focus on relationship building. As much as I want to retreat into myself and focus only on myself once I perceive myself to be at all "rejected", I just feel like that's not the way to go about it all the time.
All in good measure. The external strains are very very real. I personally consider it the effect of sexism. For sexism has disregarded internal and social processes compared to e.g. external and self-centered pursues. Even when all of them are necessary. So we do not consider the costs of internal and social processes and that these must be e.g. covered when we discuss labour. People must receive enough income AND time AND energy reserved for private matters so they could attend to their health and attend to society properly. It is true that it takes a base level of resources for people to do well. If we're deprived of that minimum, we start to break down and get less and less effective at maintaining a healthy and content baseline. It's OK to acknowledge that there are things you can address as an individual and that there are things we can only resolve as community.
> There's a trope about people, usually men, "falling in love" with someone for simply being nice to them You are right. For a man being treated nice by a woman is such a rare experience that they can become imprinted on that. But for a woman it is such a common experience that you will be just another "nice guy" to her - and it shows that the modern propaganda demonizes the concept of a "nice guy" by claiming that "they are not nice" - almost like claiming that white is black.
Being selfish and being individualistic are two different things. You can be individualistic and very empathetic at the same time. Especially in a world where many people become narcissistic, being an empath is the odd one out.
This actually makes sense! People who can empathize are able to see versions of themselves in others. Their life transcends their fragile physical existence. That's why they feel less stressed, worried, and etc. Because they're seeing that life is not a competition but a teamwork!
@@Rohtix that's a good place to start homie. U deserve the same love u give to others, so might aswell give it to yourself too. Love yourself enough to be able to speak up when u need to
Damson makes a good point. Empathy is highly important, but you must respect yourself too. It’s the people who didn’t respect themselves and got walked all over who give up on being empathetic.
For those saying/lamenting that empathy makes you weak and people take advantage of you, watch the video again, but focus on the difference between cognitive and affective empathy, and on the parts about self management. If your empathy makes you weak then you are over expressing it, and could use to learn how to temper it and set boundaries. Being able to perceive and model another's emotional and rational processes is no weakness; being swept along with their behaviour is.
Video notes I took: *Being Empathetic towards others actually benefits you *The world is slowly becoming less empathetic and more narcissistic *Evolution likes to award Empathic Traits *Being empathetic boosts serotonin, which is used to manage depression, anxiety, and bad coping mechanisms *Being compassionate helps manage rumination *Cognitive Empathy is understanding someone's thoughts and beliefs while Affective Empathy is being feeling what someone else feels *Cognitive Empathy allows you to forgive someone else more *Empathy also helps in an objective way, like in a certain profession *Empathy without Emotional Regulation is a recipe for disaster *The key skill for empathy is the ability to switch from your head to someone else's head and back *Being Empathetic is to help someone fix their problems, not fix their problems yourself *The core skill of mentalization is to assume that the other person is right and then try to figure out the reason behind their view *In order to receive the benefits of Empathy, you must do it with the genuine desire to help someone, not out of obligation, stress, or to earn something *This INCLUDES being empathetic for the sake of mental health benefits (Dr. K doomed us all)
For me, being empathetic usually comes from a place of trying to understand stuff. I like to understand how complex systems work, it’s interesting, and I suppose a similar vein of mind applies to empathy. I like to understand how something in someone’s past could influence them to act a certain way towards me in the moment, and it’s hard to be mad at people or blame them when you understand that most of it isnt from malice.
This channel is one of the best channels in this platform. I almost never feel like people understand my thought processes in real life, and this makes me feel very isolated from everyone. But when I'm watching your videos, I often feel like "Oh, exactly! That's exactly it! He gets it!", and it's so great to see someone talk about all of these problems of our world in such a refined way. Thank you *so* much for this, Dr. K. You're literally the best
I've experienced performative empathy from friends. When I reached out to lend me an ear, they offered unsolicited advice and tried to fix me, which left them feeling overwhelmed by the perceived responsibility. Eventually, they told me to take my problems elsewhere, insisting they had given me the right tools and couldn't be responsible for my issues. Initially, I felt hurt and misunderstood because I had held space for them and offered compassion when they were distressed and emotionally disregulated, often feeling drained afterwards, but the support wasn't reciprocated. However, after watching your video, I realized they might have been experiencing emotional contagion and getting enmeshed with my feelings. Understanding this, I could empathize with their overwhelm and see that they were simply trying their best, even if it wasn't what I needed at the time. I've also noticed that people who give me unsolicited advice and try to fix me often do so from a place of either wanting to be useful, feeling needed and important, or calming their distress and anxiety, rather than genuinely caring about my needs.
You gotta understand that a lot of people don't have the experience to give nuanced advice or have that mentor personality. For that person the best help they can give is their good advice. Even if that advice isn't really what you need from a feelings perspective and especially if it's bad advice all together. But they're trying, not everyone's good at lending an ear unfortunately, me included probably, mayhaps you feel the same about this comment, not what you need.
@@connorking984felt. its taken me a decade of having friends younger than me who come to me to vent or sometimes explicitly for advice in order to feel confident enough in how i respond. im always up front about how much experience i actually have and how that may influence what i tell them, and thats honestly been the biggest help for understanding on both sides of the conversation. i also dont try and sugar coat anything, but im also not going to be rude or harsh. theres a fine balance. but like i said, its taken quite a while for me to gather this skill set and to feel comfortable being that mentor role. its not something that comes naturally for most folks. *especially* if youre going to someone your own age for these kinds of things. much harder to get a mature response when youre a teen or young adult going to peers your own age. not that its a bad thing, just that age range typically hasnt gathered as much experience in these interactions.
> they offered unsolicited advice Did you clearly and directly state that you don't need any advice from them? It's really hard to "listen to other person's problems" and not say things that would fix their problems. Look up the famous comedy sketch about a woman with a nail in her head, and how hard it is for a man to listen and validate her problems from having a nail in the head without "disvalidating her" by trying to help to remove the nail.
Realized I've been doing this to my girlfriend. Sometimes it makes sense, "ohh you just want to went". But often I get caught up in her problems trying to help her fix them, and then get frustrated when she doesn't do as I suggest. It's not especially easy or intuitive to avoid contagion but it makes perfect sense when explained. Watched a video that also explained how it is difficult to listen. People tend to relate, criticize or give advice instead of just asking questions and trying to understand what someone is saying. Hopefully understanding this will make it easier to connect with people and help them while not getting too caught up in their problems. I've seen a lot of teachers do this effectively, it seems all university teachers are doing this now. So I wouldn't be surprised if this topic is standard into teaching curriculum's now.
Some times they just want to help and wish your problem can be solved simply so they give advice hoping that it would fix your problem and then they don't have to worry about you cause they don't have the space to.
People confuse empathy will literal mind reading, that’s the issue. People are different, just because you do what you think would help someone based ok putting yourself in their shoes doesn’t mean they feel that way.
@@jimbojimbo6873 people are different but people who have high cognitive but more importantly affective empathy - when listening to others problems (generally we don’t formulate / strategise / dispense “advice” when they need help) we LISTEN, FEEL, and RELATE to them because we get most all times they already know/have the answers.
@@jimbojimbo6873 also it’s not mind reading but meeting the individual and feeling some of what they are experiencing at an affective level / emotional level.
U ever get it where thinking from someone else's prospective makes u see the line of manipulation they took why they would benefit from it and it just makes you angrier sometimes it best to think it was a mistake so it doesn't escalate
a big part of this is just communication. "Empathy" is considering their perspective, their situation, why they're acting the way they are, etc. You might not get concrete answers, but if you don't then you can at least try to ask. Being empathetic helps people to ask in non-antagonistic ways, so that they can better understand. Making assumptions about how someone else wants to be treated is often risky. And yeah, a lot of people who say they're "an empath" are actually awful at empathy, and just project their own issues. But even just stopping for one second to consider *that* they have their own reasons divorced of your perspective can be helpful. Seeing their viewpoint helps a lot, but just recognizing consciously that they even have their own viewpoint is often more empathy than people give these days.
@hiloknowsall7462 I think that's a great example of how some people use their "empathy" to hype themselves up, and make it their only personality trait. But in my experience, 90% of that performative empathy is speculation and projection, and it objectifies the other side. You can't really see someone while simultaneously jerking off on how empathic you are.
@@OfficialArlo That's not exactly how empathy works lol, I feel like you meant to say acknowledge rather than empathize. Or i'm completely wrong and my comment is pointless🤝🏼
@@6ixXxnonymousyeah you could empathize with Dr.Ks understanding of empathy and his views about society becoming less empathetic. You could understand why he feels frustrated by the decline in empathy and resonate with the reasons behind Dr.Ks need to make this video to educate the public. That’s all empathy.
I needed this video. I was told multiple times that being empathetic to others to benefit yourself as well is selfish, sleasy, I started to think of myself as manipulative, even though I genuinely like to help people and bring them joy. Their happiness and relief makes me feel better as well, and as someone asks for advice I feel much more motivated to follow it myself, perhaps even to show that I really stand by my words and believe what I say. To set an example that this is possible. This video taught me that I was probably right all along, I shouldn't be ashamed of myself for liking to bring joy to people nor for putting myself first.
This video resonated with me. I've identified as an empath since I was a teen and have always been able to feel and take on other's emotions. I can't imagine a world that I do not have an "outside view" about everything. I attract "takers", as I call them, and it's been quite a burden trying to form friendships and end up just being used as someone's substitute therapist (not a position I volunteer for), or limerence target, or just by acknowledging their existence they assume I'm flirting. None of these things are what I want, and they cannot ever think about things from my point of view because they're so stuck in their self-inflicted fantasy that my thoughts never seem to matter. I wish it wasn't this way because it's made me so hesitant to form new friendships, especially with the opposite sex as it often ends up with guys catching one-sided feelings even when they know I'm in a committed relationship. One too many awkward friendships I have to set boundaries with is just so uncomfortable. And it's not good for them either because they never seem to understand why I have to put space between us as they're left there thinking, "why does every nice girl I meet end up hating me?" No amount of me trying to explain it helps them understand. It's just so sad.
I hate to break it to you. But an empath is basically an overly glorified highly sensitive person with a lot of trauma. I think u getting to realize this maybe one day and starting to heal the trauma will help you out tremendously with your self image and feeling 'whole'
I'm a primarily empathetic person, and I experience affective and cognitive empathy very often. When I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my empathy in a relationship is harming me, I deploy feelings of indifference. As a defense mechanism, I have a very avoidant personality, and I use it in tandem with empathy to go through my day-to-day life. I don't know how good or bad that islol. I'm seeing a psycho therapist next week
Oh my gosh, that freaking ending. XD Honestly, even just the education from this video is incredibly valuable! I've always been on the highly sensitive side; I take on other people's emotions as my own, and it's absolutely devastated me in the past, sometimes even leaving me feeling so incredibly drained for weeks on end. Learning how to regulate that and trying to switch between perspectives when necessary is something I absolutely needed to hear.
I'm a teacher and your bit about education is so accurate. I teach English and I genuinely didn't know the "parts of a sentence" and other extremely basic bits of English. I've always had extremely high test scores just by getting the kids to buy in and that was always through connecting with the kids.
Good grief, the timing was impecable! Today I came to the sudden realization that I have been leaning further and further into narcissistic traits and this video was a breath of fresh air, allowed me to rethink and reframe some of what happened to me and led me to feeling my empathy burnout. I don't know about the last part of the video, but one thing is for sure: I feel a great sense of relief at the moment. Thank you for elaborating on empathy in such a clear, concise and thoughtful manner. I'm thinking of exercises to foster and nurture empathy within me again.
Yes, the best teachers tend to be the most empathetic while still remaining authoritative. I was in a local youth symphony while in high school. Our conductor/director was a GEM. He got us to imagine scenery in our heads for the pieces we played, which I still do when I write my own pieces. He almost never scolded us, although he honestly really didn't need to because we all liked him so much. He genuinely cared about us and was overjoyed when we succeeded at more difficult sections. He's now one of the top youth symphony conductors in the Detroit area.
Video came at the right moment. Usually im a highly (non affective) empathetic person who always shows compassion and doesnt expect anything back. But lately ive been stuck in this rabbit hole in which i just cant stop ruminating. Since im in a bad place, even cognitive empathy doesnt work well, bc even though i feel like im becoming more selfish, smth is telling me my needs arent being met anymore? People rarely check up on me and i dont feel appreciated anymore bc its hard for me to stay positive or to help someone atm. I dont want to be saved, i just wish someone was there and would think of me more often. I try to reach out but its not the same as someone checking up on me *bc they want to* . I feel conflicted on whether or not my needs arent being met or if im just being an ungrateful egoist, esp bc i also fall into the "i do everything but nobody is there for me" spiral Sry for grammar its 2:38 am lol
Nothing wrong with being selfish my guy. Sometimes it's needed in life to progress. Once you know how to love yourself to the core (u have to be able to be selfish to be able to) and be able to completely fill your own cup up to a point where it overflows, then you'll be able to really love others and fill their cups up a bit. I got u homie
spittin fax i was sad for a long time lost a lot of friends and was mean to my family but mustering the ourage to talk to them has made me a lot happier
Dissociation. Often due to emotion related burnout. A safety measure to keep yourself safe if you lack better tools to regulate how empathy flows. It's like: Living on a hill and experiencing a crash each time you roll down with your bicycle that has no breaks. So you choose "Putting the bicycle away" instead of tackling the issue of getting and installing breaks. Unfortunately, the avoidance of bad experiences tends to lead to more bad experiences. And you're not getting any safer living on that "hill" which you do not have control over, in this example. Maybe consider contemplating if you have any idea how to "slow down" when it comes to feeling empathy. And look into methods. Start practicing. You can't stay stuck "on that hill", you'll starve and get weaker and more miserable and less and less likely in the position to "walk down to town to buy those breaks n figire out how to install them". May you find what first step you can take now, in regards to this struggle. And remember you can seek help too.
I understand what your saying but find it a little different. I think all the bad things experienced increase my empathy as it gives more understanding that you never know what people are dealing with. The issue is when your cup is so empty it don't really matter how empathetic you are you can't be of any help to anyone when your struggling to be there for yourself. I suppose we might be talking about dif things as empathy doesn't really require you do to anything for someone else all the time. That's more of the side of it I am referencing. Without that aspect I think negative experiences tend to make you more selective about who to extend your empathy for, also I think it's possible to empathize but then also not care because of the type of situation/person and the fact that the more shit your dealing with the more self absorbed you end up becoming. I gues I still kind of ended up saying basically the same thing as I initially did. Lol idk , idk if you've ever watched the vampire diaries but I think it's like that in a way. If you haven't seen it one of the vampire brothers is the "good one" most of the time but when he's not he's worse than everyone. They refer to it as him flipping his humanity switch on/off. I think humans have the same ability depending on situation they find themselves in. Although I may have completely not made any sense with this post but I get what's your saying/where your coming from.
I have a childhood-based dissociative disorder that keeps me cut off from everyone and everything - I can understand the logic of empathy very well, but I can never "feel" it in my heart myself, it makes me feel like a fraud in that situation socially or emotionally or such
The explanation between cognitive empathy versus affect empathy is well worth the hours I've watched on the subject. I don't experience the affect type of this, and overcompensate with cognitive empathy not realizing it's empathy because its thought not emotion. Gives a healthy outlook on why i feel completely indifferent internally, but people around me feel better when i pay attention to them. It first it just felt misleading but doing it more and more changes so many other thought processes and overall happiness levels. I'm glad to know i just use one type and not void of this trait especially for the good. Thank you for your videos they're awesome
This video was not made for someone like me. I've been OVERWHELMING empathetic towards others and been overly selfless throughout my life. The result is that I am a damaged human being. I have C-PTSD, depression (MDD), generalized anxiety. I was abused as a kid. I am not doing well today as a 32 Y/O man. I am trying to figure out how to fix my issues and my life. I am trying to figure out how to improve my mental health. All of these things are stuff i have to do alone because it seems that other people do not care enough to want to help me. I'm genuinely sorry but I don't think I should be more empathetic in my situation. I think i owe it to myself to work on my own issues instead of wasting my energy being empathetic towards others. All this looks like is that I express empathy for other people's situations but I do not put any additional effort/energy into their situations as I keep in mind that it is their situation to fix, not mine.
@@ClassyJohn i know im in no place to talk considering what youve been through, but i wanted to point out that the video talks about empathy helping you, not necessarily helping others. So when saying being empathetic towards others is a waste of energy, i dont see it that way when it helps you. then again you said the videos not for you and dr k even said at the end he doesnt know if itll work. at the end of the day, all you can do is your best
have you watch the video carefully? The video talks about this, about to be careful of being too emphatetic because it may will lead you to being used by others. There's still boundaries in being emphatetic, and that is to not fully involve yourself in other people's problem. Because when you take other people's problem for yourself, that person will stop trying to solve their own problem, it should be encouraging that person to solve their own problem, not taking their problems but yeah I don't know about your problem and what kind of emphaty you have been doing, but my point is, the video does not talk only about the positive side of emphaty
@@Sarah-iq3sc I understand where he is coming from though, because I lived like that as well. The video is geared towards cultivating empathy when you are used to mostly focus on yourself and your own pov. It's for more, shall we say, "casually self-centered" people (not malignant narcissists I mean). For those of us who had any kind of sense of (healthy) ego wiped out in childhood, of course the video is still useful*, but I understand being left more like "ok? I've been on this path my whole life. Where are my mental health benefits though?" * If only to curtail the danger of steering too much towards the other side, that of spiteful selfishness.
If you care for others with the expectation of anything in return other than making them feel better, then you will be very disappointed. Let me add that if those you give your empathy and energy to don’t return any, then you aren’t obligated to continue giving them any more of your time and energy. Sometimes it’s better to find a better social circle. Empathy is important, but it needs strong boundaries to remain healthy.
@@boysrcute Do things as you going to die tomorrow.And you don't need motivation or something, you need to change your way of thinking for that you need to understand yourself.Treat others like how you want to be treated so at least you can act respectfull(Bare minimum).
@@AskConner You are mistaking "disappointed expectation" and "expressing grief over not being safe with people like they are with you, as a social being". It's energy intensive. Not because it is by default but because the loop isn't working like it's supposed to. It's ignorant to pretend that individuals can thrive in society by being completely self-sufficient. It's like criticising that a person takes the time to feed others when they are too sick to do it, to find themselves starved when they are too sick to feed themselves while ill. And to then tell them that their attitude is the problem instead of stepping up to YOUR responsibility to be the one to show empathy towards a person in need of support. You just went and "did the thing" of failing to provide emotionally. Taking a person who expresses a need for a safe space and suggesting they aren't safe to rely on others, starting with you. 🫣 You yourself literally make a difference in how hard it is for OP to maintain kindness. Let's do better next time and step up the empathy.
This video came at just the perfect time, I was struggling to find strength to be kind after a couple hard times I've had recently. Thanks, this helped me remember why I try to be kind and learn how to better deal with it.
I've been thinking about how so many personality disorders and mental illnesses seem like someone whose brain is stuck in fear mode, or survival mode. And then think about a cat in panic mode. How much can you interact with that cat? almost none. You're better off helping that cat calm down before trying to introduce it to another cat etc. So, to me it makes sense that humans in panic mode tend to think of everything in terms of short term thoughts and less socializing. Of course this is just an arm waving hypothesis, but something about it feels right.
This video has been up for only a few minutes so I obviously haven’t finished it even on 1.25x speed. But this is a fantastic topic, and so far-I hope this reaches MANY more people. We really have become so insanely individualistic… speaking as a recovering self-improvement addict. Thank you for all your work & wisdom.
I think doctor k is actually watching me at this point.. couldn’t be a better timing. I just went trough a breakup because my girlfriend only talked about herself. I loved listening to her stories because i cared about her deeply, thought of her every moment of the day. Only to realise that she never cared about my feelings,never even asked about them, and talked about me as if i was an object behind my back. Even to my own friends😀My kindness was taken advantage of and the worst thing is that i will never understand how people could be this way
First I watched a video called: "selfish people win at the end of the day" then I tuned into this video where dr k talks about how u should be more selfless. I liked both videos and I think that alot of the things we be considering "selfish" isnt rly selfish. A lot of times when people tell me im selfish just beacuse I HAVE a life it turns out to be beacuse they themselves are such a people pleaser they aint got no time for themselves, and they think i should do the same. Realizing that u have ur own life and that ur time is important to spend on ur self growth is rly important. BUT alot of the time, promoting love to others and giving away off ur time is going to be part of that growth process. I love the people that are now in my life, even though in the past people have acted like I have no wants and needs off my own. I learnt in my childhood to not even have any wants or needs. So ofc when in adulthood i made that switch it looked self absorbed to the people who had known me. Have ur own wants and needs, ur own goals. Beacuse if u dont, ur going to struggle with ur identity later on. Be compassionate and caring to the people around you, see all that they do for you and dont be blind to the signs of love that they show you literally every single day < 3
I would like to remind you that humanity has existed for a long time, and has delt with many bad situation (natural disaster, war, demoralization, etc.) We will figure out this like we've done everything else. I think with people like Dr. K we're well on our way
@luvyounikki maybe not forever, but we're still here, aren't we? My point is we're not going extinct, and living is objectively better than it used to be (I'd rather be lonely than starving or covered in boils). We'll never be problem free, but saying we're doomed is inaccurate. There have been revolutions and reforms before, and they'll happen again.
These technologies of the last 150 years are unprecedented in human history. There is no parallel in the past to compare the internet or planes to. I would not be so assured as you. @@transmutemineralore
I feel that empathy is very important to foster healthy and meaningful relationships. If I ever feel that I'm treated unjustly, I try to understand the thought process of the person(s) involved as to why they did that. Of course, there's an obvious line that needs to be drawn so I'm not taken advantage of. E.G. If a person uses their poor childhood upbringing as an excuse for poor behaviour, I empathise with them and give them grace, but I'm not going to forgive it forever. They're an adult now, they need to work on themselves to stop hurting others, regardless of their history.
I naturally have empathy and was doing all that helping for everyone around me and it was also part of my job (RN) but it burnt me out really bad. I had compassion fatigue. People started taking advantage of me, take me for granted, and I got very depressed and anxious pleasing others. Since stopping that and caring less, my stress level has decreased so much.
I conjecture there's some attachment that comes with the kind of empathy that gets exploited. If you're attached to the outcomes of your empathic actions too much, you'll either exert yourself more than you can afford, or you'll feel the weight of failure to help people. If you're not overly attached to the outcome, then you can care about people and work hard to help them, but you can live more peacefully with the fact that you are not solely responsible for all the failure that comes with it. In a weird way, i think there's a powerful ego in people who are easily manipulated, perhaps because over-exertion of empathy is a learned behavior for them.
I am so often told i am kind yet i am very lonely person. I dont have any friends, my heart was smashed into pieces. I always had very difficult relationships with my family which apart of me counts only two other people. I know kindness is not enough but should be a asset and is more perceived as weakness. I struggle to understand what i do wrong. Maybe i am to needy? I guess i literally starving for human interaction and although i try to control this is probably difficult to hide
You need to make some good friends. You can start by doing a class related to your hobby of choice. You'll find plenty of people to connect with about something you're passionate about. If things go smoothly you've suddenly got 1 more person who cares about you as much as you care about them.
One thing to consider is if you're being a "people pleaser". I have no way of knowing if that's your issue, nor am I throwing stones, only suggesting it because I've had that issue before. I think sometimes it's easy to confuse empathy and kindness with being "nice" and placating as a method of getting people to like you. The line isn't always clear, but what matters most is the intention. Speaking up for yourself and saying what you think and feel instead of what you think others want to hear can make a huge difference in your ability to make connections. But as you say, being kind isn't always enough. You won't always get along great with people or be very close to everyone even if they have no reason to dislike you, that's just how it is.
That is very likely the case. It's counterintuitive, but your chances to build a support system gets bigger, the better you get at responsibly addressing your own needs and keeping others safe whenever you receive their support. Aka the better you get at inviting others to set their boundaries with you on top of expressing their needs, the more they'll enjoy being around you. This also means that you learn to measure how much you entrust others with your are. You absolutely are to trust others. It gives them an opportunity to be your hero. So they must be entrusted with sth. they can actually succeed at. When starved, we are prone to insatiable behaviour. We are also prone to expressing negative emotions when good moments "end" and that creates guilt and shame foe the other person (e.g. the mood becoming heavy when a friend says they gotta end the call n return to some duty of theirs). We can also end up "information and emotion vomiting" rather than "sharing". Because we build up many thoughts and feelings that we want to put "out there", but it's too much to handle. Often that's combined with us listening to ourselves not making up the majority of "feeling content". Aka journaling but not feeling sated afterwards, as we don't recognise "expressing sth." as such, when we're the only witness to it. And we can absolutely change that internal narrative and learn that journaling is a form of self-indulging. Your cravings and desperation are VALID. it's because they are valid, that you want to do the most effective things to improve your own situation on the long run. And that is the way to do it. I, too, have way more support ever since I establish with people that I value their ability to self-care over all else. As that's the only way we'll be able to support each other on the long run. When we're not OK, we all lose!
@@Jazzmaster1992 I think in my case is a mixed of both. I genuinely care about others, especially when they suffer in anyway but I am also people pleaser. I am not even do things so people like me, I often feel I just have to do what others want, nearly at the obedience level and to extend I am guessing what they might want if this is not comunicated. However at the same time I am very considerate of others and sensitive to suffering. I often experience others suffering as strongly as my own and willing to do something if possible. So, I guess you are right, I probably more often people pleaser than kind person. However as I said I dont pleased people so they like me, I pleased people because I can imagine I dont do what others want.
@@Jazzmaster1992 I find out that things rather deteriorated quickly if i speak what i think. It is not like I speak what others want to hear but I am rather creating some persona who speaks all round, correct, proper staff. I guess I am very frustrated, see world as unfriendly place and self as not worth much but I never communicate this. Instead I am interested in others, always find some genuine staff I price in what they do or speak. I never talk about my insecurities but also don't display over confidence.
I work in healthcare, so I see a lot of suffering and death at work. I also have friends and family who are struggling right now, and I am worried for them. My life is going really well, but I've been sad lately thinking about how much pain there is in this world. I think I really needed this.
I'd always wondered why I was so forgiving and understanding of others who said they were busy for one thing or another while others got offended (some even stalked me) whenever I was busy. After 15 years of it, I released those friendships (which was about 95% of them) and I'd always felt guilty for doing so despite feeling it was right for me. Now I understand.
I really like these vids but I do wish Dr. K would link the sources to the studies he refers to. I wanna look into them more since they seem really interesting
I laughed so hard at the ending, it was perfect 😂. It can be solved though🤓. Why don't we explore genuine kindness and empathy? Not for the sake of exploring or practice a life hack, but for the feeling itself. If I see someone who is sad, I genuinely want to give them a little boost, because I know I pass on positivity. Don't expect something in return though. Also, let go of the other as soon as possible (like dr. K explained about his therapy sessions). I hope this helps😊!
If you help someone to help yourself, you never get to learn if you've been helped yet. If you help someone to help them, you can actively see what you are doing to impact someone.
On your little tidbit at the end, ive personally experienced this mental struggle, but what i did to overcome that is to intentionally choose to be a good person not because i want to look good or feel good, but because i want to, because i want to make that person feel better. I extend my platonic love towards them and embrace them as someone i care about. Just as youd help a friend because you care about them. Though you'd need to mentally poke and prod at what platonic feelings mean to you, and how you want to express them to those you care about.
Question Dr K.: So, a lot of female friends come to me for "relationship advice" when they are confused or their feelings are hurt.(Ex. I matched online with my son's preschool teacher or my boyfriend made a weird comment about my eye color. Is this a problem? What should I do?) Now, as a woman that has never been in a relationship...this is always very humorous to me because I am completely unexperienced. The feedback from more than one has been that they like my insight because I have "a logical view of love". Is this cognitive empathy or is this just lack of experience?
I thought I was being empathetic but I was feeling constantly anxious and bad about myself. Then I started to actually make efforts for myself and others and I realised that before I wasn't being empathetic I just was people pleasing. Trying to actually be a nice person really gets you out of your toxic mentality because you don't see yourself as a victim anymore, you see how bad the others can have it too (and maybe sometimes because of your own bad habits) and how much love there's in the world at the same time❤❤❤
Great video as usual. One extraneous thought that came to my mind was at the core of much of what you discussed, is the concept of releasing the outcome. Being you, doing the best you can, being as kind as you can, for the reason of being your highest best and then releasing any outcome. You’re not stressed you’re not doing it for yourself. You’re not even doing it to help others you’re doing it because you wanted delivered the best of yourself to the world. And what happens after that is in the hands of the universe. It takes a lot of stress away from almost every situation you discussed and as you’ve released the outcome, if you get benefit from it, great. if you don’t get benefit from it, that’s OK too. You’ve done what you needed to do to give to the world, your highest and your best. After that, you have no control and to release that Control has been one of the greatest gifts I keep working on giving myself. I see it as forward movement towards Maslow’s concept of self actualization, which is a personal goal of mine. Just a thought and my ramblings :-) . Have a great day and again thanks for the video.
Empathy is a curse. It ruined my life and almost ended my life. Being able to understand other people's problem, trying to help them (financially, socially) but in return only thing i got was resentment, hate, betrayal. Saved a kid from bullies and a year later he spread a rumour about me assaulting and doing very bad stuff to he's girlfriend. Got me suspended from collage, ruined my collage life and almost got me arrested. I was saved by the collage CCTV. They fucked some stuff up in the story and entire plot crumbled. And that hole in the story literally saved my life. Truns out he was angry because i refused to give him keys to storage room where he was gonna have good time with he's girlfriend. For fucks sake why did i even save that shit.. Turns out you can not escape a label like that in society. I'm at this point is a walking corps, people talking behind me back about me being a R***** and some times to my face. I can't even move cities due to health issues. All that depression, jumped from a bridge but somehow survived with a Broken leg (i don’t even know how but here i am).... I really hope that dude and he's gal gets the worst. I want to die every fucking time when someone mentions that incident.
Ohhh man, your story opened a wound I have… betrayals from someone you felt empathy and sided with hurt a lot… and my story is not near as bad as yours… Hope you’re doing better! I guess it’s safer to feel empathy for those who we already know that are trustworthy.
That’s my pushback towards open empathy especially in this day and age. People will see that and use that against you for their own benefit but when you take it away you’re a bad person/harming yourself? bs
While that's very sorry to hear happened, I fail to see how this is related to empathy. Narcissism and deception by the kid comes first, not to mention, I fail to see how the kid would've changed to not have done that to anyone if empathy was missing. If what you're saying is that if you had ignored him, it would've happened to someone else, which is what matters? Unlikely, given what you described of the other person. If he was gone and/or taught a lesson? Well, surprise, this actually wouldn't be empathy that is at fault, but trust. As this video says, proper use of empathy doesn't actually involve on you helping their problem, but rather you helping them help themselves. So by you hopping in and helping the person, there's actually a lot more factors at play than just empathy. Considering the event happened a year later, I assume you kept some kind of connection (otherwise empathy is even less involved). Empathy might have triggered the action that caused it, but that doesn't mean it was proper use of empathy either. Empathy caused you to trust the person more than you should, but understanding someone's actions and trusting someone aren't really the same thing. I can feel empathic towards someone I don't trust. I can lack it towards someone I trust. What you're calling a curse is not empathy, it's trust (and selfishness of others).
@@johndinner4418 Perhaps it was Trust and combination of many other factors. But it all started with EMPATHY. Had i not stepped in, I'd most probably have a normal life like many others. That few moments of empathy propelled my life towards destruction. I maintained connection with him the entire time. Treated him like a lil bro. We became very very close. That's why it fucking hurts more. Im sobbing as i write this comment. Wonder what could have been. I Don't know how it feels to go on a date, Don't know what is a love life. The only time i managed to get a date after that incident but it ended in humiliation. Imagine getting called R4p1$t by your date in front everyone. It was too much for me and i jumped from a bridge to end it. But God won't even let me die that day. I don’t know what kind of sin I've committed in my past life, but this life is no less then a hell for me. I can't die now since i promised my mom and dad that i won't harm myself. And i don’t want them to feel bad or make them cry since they Supported me from the very beginning. Perhaps as long as they are around, i just need to hang on till they kick the bucket. After performing the last rites i will follow them and free myself from this living Hell. Death is the only thing i look forward to. That 5-10 minutes of empathy sealed my fate for rest of my life. It made me what im Today. Thank you for commenting and your analysis, and for your time. I pray you have normal and healthy good life. I hope no one becomes like me.
Being compassionate I’ve found over the decades that it is net positive. It turns out you feel better. But people remember how the felt around you. When in distress they will stand up for you. Even if you don’t see it or know it
As someone with adhd, I've always felt like I have to be myself, despite not knowing how to convey that to myself. Like I'll tell myself to be me but when I ask myself who I am, it doesn't lead to anywhere good. It's the whole "turtles all the way down" analogy. So at some point I told myself that the best way to be myself is to not think too hard and act as much as possible. Some days I can do a lot, and some days I need more breaks or even a day of rest. I know this has little to do with the video but when you said "you have to genuinely care about somthing in order to get health benefits from work (volunteer or otherwise)" made me realise that I don't care too much about my current job. I literally work extra hours just to get everything done and it sucks. What keeps me going is the fact that I live away from my folks with my wife and I have to contribute rent somehow. The people here are generally nice but are similarly overworked. And I really want to care more throughout my day but I don't care about the job I spend 8+ hours a day on and that's too much. I have multi people I care about, but not enough things or places or purposes that I care about. Not good. I need to care about something meaningful to me and maybe others. Need to get this out of my head. Thanks to anyone who read this. 😅
Being fairly required to spend 8 hours somewhere is a big ask when you're also trying to build the empathy muscles. I don't think you're doing anything wrong I think it's just a tough situation. That's my thought, good luck brotha
Oh also you should start a constructive hobby, something you can build up over time and have it be yours regardless of quality or whatever. I know people say get a hobby all the time but it's good advice, something to call your own and be proud of is great.
The content of your videos is great as always! Clear message, well presented, backed by evidence, and showing the relevance to our lives. Thank you Dr K 🙏🏻🙏🏻
10:25 I really appreciate your ability to draw the right conclusions from such studies; taking into account perspective or even the difference between correlation and causality
This all makes sense and is great. But the one thing i struggle with is, say im trying to understand someone's perspective, how do i know thats what they're true intentions are? What if they really didnt forget your birthday and just didn't give a fuck? Giving people the benifit of the doubt is always good of course or just talking to them to figure why maybe. So yea i was just confused on this.
@susancornett4396 Really appreciate this. Yea i think thats really all you can do, all we can really do is assume since we cant read minds. Its human nature to either trust someone or not right. We're not always going to know what the other person is thinking 100%. Its kind of s tough pill to swallow but its the truth.
Realizing empathy can help me and intentionally practicing and improving my listening skills didnt sabatoge me. Thinking about myself constantly is extremely lonely, and when i catch myself doing it in conversation i remember that ill feel less lonely if i get out of my head and think about the person in front of me. Win-win
12:57 empathy for others, the qmount of hurt goes down as their mind is on other things. they are incapable of doing whatever. 14:18 full attack on a narcissist anxious, depressed, stressed out, dont have good relations.
In today’s world, especially on the Internet, where cruelty is normalized and celebrated being empathetic and a decent human being is a superpower, and will often result in you getting mocked and laughed at…..
Great video! I spent most of my life stuck in emotional contagion but found that I used metallization in a way that actually invalidated my own feelings and kept me “sick”. I was surrounded by unhealthy people and in an abusive relationship, so I can see how this was the way I coped to just keep going. I have been out of that relationship over five years and found that to restore balance, I had to be closed off to the perspectives and feelings of others while I developed a healthy relationship with my own perspectives and feelings first. You are 100% correct on empathy and how it helps us understand and forgive others… interestingly enough, I had to use this to understand and forgive myself. Currently, I am in a more balanced state and taking things one step at a time. Thank you for your content and for creating a space where people can feel supported and empowered 😊❤
I try to remember to look at why the people are using me. Like maybe it’s just their job or they are worried about something and not thinking about how you feel. Then I will set a boundary and say hey I’ve got too much on my plate right now so I’m not able to do what you need me to do. Or I’m not comfortable doing this amount of work without more pay. I try to say “I” statements to make it more about a problem I’m having with it instead of blaming them for it. It disarms people and is easier to communicate what I need. Hope this helps.
Some of my thoughts about 5 minutes into the video. For me it was always how can I help my partner, what more can I do for them. The mental health system fails in so many ways to actually help people but we did a study in psychology in university that talks about that empathy or so called therapeutic characteristics should be embodied by normal average people since the system cannot handle everyone. And it is true but people also shouldn't feel that they should carry the role of a therapist like in the case of my partner it eventually weighed me down so much. I become apathetic to cope. I'm struggling to get back on my feet life just feels very dull and I could use some empathy. But it's all a fine balance a balance which many people don't know how to do cause it's either empathy with no bounderies or narsassism/apathy towards others. It's just hard to be the one that reach out all the time and be empathetic but then it's like people's capacity to accept it is low. And they tend to jump to relationship instead of friendship whenever that empathy exceeds a certain line. Thank you for the video.❤
A friend of mine recently started to fall through every time we would make plans. He would blame his depression for why he absolutely cannot come of the house right now. After the literal 30th time, said if he does it again, its going to really make me annoyed. He said "I'm sorry you feel that way but I thought you'd understand how I feel" this really irked so I told him to F off. He only has "depression and anxiety" when it's convenient for him. I would constantly cater to him when he doesnt care about a thing I have going on. I could go on complaining all day, but I'm wondering if I'm the a Hole for A) calling him on his BS B) challenging his idea that he's helpless C) giving up on the friendship. Let me know Ive been way less annoyed
Have you thought of why he would say he has depression and anxiety and not show up? Assume for a moment what he's saying is true, what could be the reason for that? You're claiming you're calling him on his BS, but what reason would he have to lie about it? After you do that, is there other reasons you think he wouldn't want to make plans with you?
I've known people over the years who have had issues like this. What I decided is that people who have depression and anxiety will still make time for people they care about. If they don't, their issues are crippling their ability to be present for others or they just don't feel a sense of urgency for the friendship enough to try to do better. In either case I had to "drop" them because I couldn't deal with it. Do what you feel is right for you.
From a post like that its hard to tell if youre doing everything right or screwing up yourself. I mean thats why situations like that are so diffcult, if we just 'knew' whats wrong, then it would be a problem. Either way tho, what I strongly read from your comment is, your friend sounds like he didnt understand how you felt. Idk why, maybe he was very self-centered; depression/anxiety does that to people, but it also doesnt excuse it. Or maybe you didnt make clear enough (and in a non-accusatory way) how you felt about the problem in your friendship. In the end you need to take care of yourself first and foremost tho, because nobody else can do that. Thats part of why its "help people, but dont see it as your job to fix them". If a friendship is damaging to you, and you cant fix it, then its just not a good thing. The main issue tho seemed to be that disconnect in how you two felt about the friendship and the other person.
I would be interested in seeing a video about folks who already have very high empathy and how to have "shields" and negativity detox from unwanted bad energy.
Help not fix. I have this thing where I said “I’m not trying to save you, I’m trying to inspire you” by leading by example and showing my findings rather than telling them what to do. Just sharing my thoughts and successes I found that friends on the same wave length get inspired and as do I when they do this to me
The solution to getting the benefit of empathy for yourself is to simply focus on the suffering that the person is experiencing. By paying full attention to their suffering, you will have less mental room to even think about whether whose going to benefit from your empathy. The feeling of wanting to care for the other should naturally follow
Seems like a recipe for disaster, caring is a skill you have to nurture ("nurturing" itself takes care and patience lol). You don't want to force an attitude and especially not by overwhelming your brain with suffering... I think if you want to help just try to do so but don't let it take too much of your energy either in or out
I'm struggling hard with this right now. The timing could not have been better. I've practiced empathy since starting therapy years ago. I'm reaching a point of falling apart from being empathetic while being surrounded by narcissistic people who don't want to change. I'm currently stuck in the situation and have no viable options to fix my situation. I was doomed before the video started, but it did confirm a lot of what I had already determined through my own mental health journey. It's almost more lonely to be empathetic sometimes when there's no one around you with empathy to return.
I find that it's not a zero sum game : if I let someone I care about vent for a while and feel bad as a result, I believe the amount of negative emotions the other person offloads as a results is by far greater than the amount I end up taking in. As a result, the net effect is less pain in total.
@@joelbolduc3354 I had a saying about the theoretical goodness of a intimacy with another (haven't done well with decernment but I think it would be like this) When we share in pain, it's halved and when we share in joy, it's doubled
this is reasonable, but situational. It depends how close you are with the other person. It also depends on whether they're just venting, or full on trauma dumping. It further depends on how sensitive the listener is to emotional contagion, and how much the one venting is actually benefitting from the venting. Some people love to vent, but don't actually improve themselves by it. Some people like to victimize themselves and venting becomes a habit rather than stress relief. This is all to say that you're definitely not wrong, and I'm glad that that's been your experience. But it's worth mentioning the potential for a zero sum situation, as there are absolutely some people who will help others to their own detriment.
One of the reasons that I love rewatching movies, tv, etc. is that I love flexing the cognitive empathy muscle. On second go around you can sit with hindsight and mull over “why did they do that” or “how did that event make them feel”? And sometimes I will obsess over a show until I feel like I really understand the pov of the characters. I think it’s helped in situations where I need to support someone else in the moment.
So thankfully for me I came to this realization a few years ago, and I want to address Dr. K’s last point on perhaps being doomed by knowing empathy will benefit the self and I can say for me, the answer was “no, it did not doom me, and only when I truly knew was I able to do this successfully.” Basically when I first started being empathetic for “selfish” reasons, I told myself that even though I was doing it somewhat for self-benefit, it would only work if I was being genuinely empathetic. So in a similar way that you go to the gym daily even if you see zero immediate results because you KNOW that over time it will yield the results you want, paradoxically KNOWING that being truly empathetic in daily situations would benefit me in the long run, I was able to let go of seeing the immediate results myself and behave only for the benefit of the other person. In other words, it was only when I truly internalized the KNOWING that I would benefit long term that I was able to let go of the expectation.
That intro just reminded me that my parents forgot my like 13th birthday, but so did I Morning in the bathroom with dad and I just like: **stops brushing teeth** “oh, it’s my birthday” Dad: **also stops brushing teeth** “Oh yeah… Damn”
absolutely great message. once you have learned to be empathatic, it is vital to apply it to yourself too. have some empathy for yourself at times, and be patient with yourself
I think its safer in this world to have less empathy actually. Being a good sensitive person is rough to become successful when the world is run by greed violence selfishness manipulation. Speaking of manipulation, being a victim of emotional manipulation is very real for a empath. Anyway emotional control is important
I have tried to make friends with probably a hundred different people around my age on the internet over the course of the last 2 years, and I can assure you pretty safely that the current state of humans is pretty doomed. The real empathy that will help you survive in this post-apocalyptic world of morons we live in, is the "negative empathy". Imagine how would you feel if it was you doing the bad things people do to you. You feel bad about yourself! So how are they able to do it? because they are messed up, not you. That helps you protect yourself from it.
Video tackles this topic. It's better for your mental health to be empathic. Being empathic doesn't mean you'll just do what other people say because you feel bad for them or understand them. Genuinely trying to understand them is all you need to get the health benefits. You can understand why someone's trying to manipulate you and still tell them off for trying it. Being nice, or trusting people, is not inherently connected to empathy. You're just thinking about others and getting out of your own mind to see more perspectives. In reality, it might help you in figuring out how to handle the world better by understanding why greedy people do what they do and the signs to look out for. If you're selfish and a narcissist you'll never understand why other people do what they do and have less perspective on how the world functions.
@@Doublemonk0506 The more you feel by understanding them makes you more empathic, you can still have empathy even if you're not that empathic yourself. What matters is that you can reason their actions, you stop having questions about why someone did what they did, and you get over it much quicker. If you understand why something happens, you move on. Acting on empathy to help others and feeling the need to help past just understanding, which is the basis of feeling empathy, is called sympathy. Yes you're less empathic if you don't feel their pain, but that doesn't mean you can't put the benefits of the concept into practice.
there's that thought that comes back regularly that everything was much more simple when i was much nicer, before high school ! i don't know how it happend but i traded niceness for meanness a lot after I entered high school.. not like bad BAD mean stuff, but you know, little things were i could just have bean nice, like when i was in middle school..
For me, knowing that someone is being empathetic/compassionate/understanding/whatever you wanna call it for their own benefit devalues the total kindness received. But ignorance is bliss I guess.
Had a friend to whom I have abandoned myself trying to meet their needs as their constant hurt and accusing me of being the source of the hurt (as I don't meet their needs and can't read their minds or that I also do stuff without them). I no longer could endure (heart feeling heavy, feeling of nausea and body literally shaking from the thought of having to interact with them is not a fun feeling) it and ended the friendship. Oh, and they constantly complained that I don't check up on them every day. I don't see the need for it as we already had voice chats through discord 4 times a week. At first there was a lot of anger because I allowed them to do that to me because I cared and didn't want to hurt them, so I tried my best to meet their needs (which wasn't enough for them). I started googling stuff trying to figure out why has this happened. Watched various videos on various mental health subjects. That search also made me realise the damage I was doing to the friend by abandoning myself instead of having boudanries and not being able to sit with their hurt without taking in that hurt (them accusing me of emotionally abusing them because I didn't take their hurt did a number on me). By being always aviable I was enabling them. They were sorta dependant on me for social interactions as due to my constant aviability, they saw no reason to find other people to interact with, so when I wans't aviable it was devastating to them. As the saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions. After a few months and a lot of research, I started to mellow out and was no longer angry. I understand that they have a lot of traumas and maybe even some neurodiversities as they told me they have a hard time connecting to people. I kinda forgave them, but tat does not mean I want to continue the friendship. I wish them to find people who are more compatable and they can connect to. As for me, I learned my lesson that I should not abandon myself in order not to hurt the other.
Boosting someone's seratonin just by being nice and listening is literally a life hack
People who use literally in most sentences are literally the least happiest
no u@@sandenium
@@sandenium literally thats you projecting your own magical thinking
@@sandeniumYou've used it twice. OP used it once. Do you need a hug?
Sad that this is a ‘life-hack’ instead of something people just *do*
Let's be clear too, you can still have a great amount of empathy while holding people accountable. Empathy isn't some "step all over me because I have compassion" bs, it's literally a vein of social cohesion.
Sometimes kindness is letting people face consequences.
Just don't constantly step on others to get an edge on others. You don't have to get stepped over. Think of Goku from the original Dragon Ball series (in Z, it is just not that well pronounced, as the objective is more grandiose compared to anything we can do in our daily lives; so not so relatable).
There should always be a balance, empathy could help us give some helpful thoughts to someone's situation, but if they don't respect that and didn't even try to listen, just let them. It's not our responsibility to make someone "fix" themselves.
That's why we set boundaries and why we have to enforce them!
Not really
Our culture seems to look at empathy as a weakness, and this attitude permeates in everything around us. It's an us vs. them mentality that leads people into doing what they otherwise wouldn't.
It's a weakness because there are too many people out there who will take advantage of your empathy. They're called "your boss at work".
@@matthewgilfus1640 I didn't say you had to empathize with everybody.
In Asia, if you are empathetic (apparently), you can get burned even at home
EXACTLY, I was veryyy confused when I was acting or try to be emphaty to others and their response is like looking us as trying to get advantage and even disgust?
Exactly. That's so saddening. Empathy and kindness are the best qualities we, as humans, possess. Yet for some reason people look down upon it and choose to be a-holes instead. I get having your guard up, but not to the point of acting hostile towards everyone around without an ounce of empathy. The world would've been so much brighter if we normalized empathy, and if we changed that polluted mindset of it being a "weakness"
It's only considered a weakness because people around are cruel, therefore the mindset of "survival of the fittest" dominates, and empathy is generally seen as not strong enough to survive in this world. It's ridiculous
I was extremely empathic as a kid and was relentlessly bullied for it for 15 years straight (from preschool til uni). So my brain learned not to show it, and now everyone sees me as cold and indifferent, although the feels are still there internally. Starting the HG trauma guide soon, wish me luck...
I feel you dude. I’m rooting for you cause empathy and kindness is a tool that a lot of people are not using to just look tough. You can do this.
Would recommend therapy if possible. Thats exactly what its there for; the trauma guide is good as support or if you cant get a therapist, but real therapy is better.
Good luck! You can do it :)
@@flowerbloom5782 Definitely not a tool.
If there's some level of concern that empathy is "weak", from your own mind or judgements from others, try envisioning big Braum energy (or a physically and mentally buff Santa Claus).
Practice verbalizing and/or expressing empathy one person at a time to rewire your brain to not see it as a dangerous action. Similarly, if someone snickers or is cruel in response, that's a problem of their own they've neglected. Over time, any negative reaction to your empathy will diminish whatever power it previously had over you.
17:48 . At this point in the video, Dr. K announces that good leaders care about the people under them. The reality is that the best leaders lead from the bottom rather than the top. The best leaders care about the individual and how they grow rather than their immediate performance because once workers feel as though they are intrinsically cared for, they will never fear "messing up": you can't mess up being yourself. The best leaders are highly empathetic because they acknowledge that the people are the source of the product, and societies would be nothing without the people working underneath.
This one is huge. I’ve personally seen this when I worked in handyman work. My boss said he would never tell us to do something he wouldn’t do and he meant it. He admitted to being afraid of ladders and roofs, but he’d go up them anyway to show how to do things. He’s a super hardworking dude, not flawless, but definitely a good boss who cared for his workers and the kind of boss you’d feel bad to disappoint.
I think a lot of people underestimate just how much influence the car culture in places like America can severely impact community building and interpersonal relationships. Many people struggle to spend time in person with friends, since places to hang out are often far away or inaccessible by massive highways. This is especially difficult for youth who are not old enough to get a driver's license or experienced enough to be comfortable driving in some areas. Cities and suburbs broadly are often not constructed in a manner which facilitate in-person interactions; they are mostly designed for consumerism. It is just one facet of people's disconnect from others in today's society, but I think it is one that does not get discussed nearly enough.
I hear things are different in the EU where there is a highly developed transit, more personal architecture, etc. Would love to see some studies about this.
@@Tight_Conduct For sure, it will be nice to see future research on this. Of course, there are some factors to consider within these studies, since geographical conditions can also affect mental health. Many European countries have great walkability in their cities, though their distance from the equator can lead to higher levels of seasonal depression and Vitamin D deficiency -- especially towards Winter.
Ill add on to this and say growing up if i wanted to go places and couldnt cause of the things you listed, my parents would elicit an annoyed response because they are busy and dont want to take 30 minutes to drive me to a friends place
I agree so much. From where I live, to do activities like dancing, hangouts, or volleyball I always had to transit for an hour and then an hour back going home. At the same time I don't want to buy a car and make myself slave away to pay gas and insurances when money and time is limited. I'd rather save up and move out to downtown area
Dude, I can't even get a driver's license because of medical issues. My extracurriculars and socials are limited to the public transit schedule but I've made some good friends through carpool agreements. Carpool with the same person to work training for 2 weeks and start to make connections.
I truly believe in kindness & empathy without expecting or requiring an ounce of personal benefit. Beyond the simple fact that it *makes you and the person on the receiving end feel good.* It means something. Something so incredibly human and core to our state of being. I was fortunate enough to be raised to embrace & intuit empathy from a young age, but I understand not everyone, especially growing up on the internet we have today, is so lucky.
There is so much isolationism and encouraged narcissism online, and in the world in general, like you said. Pushing back in the opposite direction feels necessary, it feels needed. Thank you for these videos, and bless you for helping put more goodness out into the world.
@@SalvationCode you put that so well! Love ya bro
Empathy doesn't always feel good to give, though. If your own social needs haven't been met for many years, you may have nothing left to give. And then people take from you the little you tried to give in the hopes of being understood and tried with, in return. If people want to call that selfish, newsflash: it's not empathy to label this as such.
I treat people with empathy; I sometimes talk to people I can tell are lonely. But invariably, I feel worse during and after. I feel even more alone, even though they walk away feeling better.
@@llIlIlllII If you have nothing left to give then there is nothing wrong with giving yourself time to refill. It’s like if someone asked me for help moving a fridge and I know I’m not physically strong enough to move one and could hurt myself I can absolutely say no. You have to be of sound mind and body yourself in order to help other people without expecting anything in return. Work on yourself spread positivity and others will do the same
💛💛💛
@@llIlIlllII The trick is to form connections instead of just giving. Create or join a a nexus of exchange, like a sports club or a hobby circle. Giving tidbits of emotion here and there is, as you have realized, not sustainable, it drains you without a return on your investment. Governments in Europe are currently beginning to realize the consequences of the "loneliness epidemic", and are starting to take measures against it in the form of social groups. But each and every one of us has to realize that we still need to take ourselves to these places. It's not on you to make someone else connect to feel better. But we all can help to create places and situations in which it becomes easier.
Now all I need to do is live by my own advice...
ooo, I actually felt an answer for this for years:
Real empathy, the one which grants you health benefits and all the benefits tbh, comes from a place of emotional wealth, not from desperation, when a thought that you're not enough makes you behave empathic...
That is why it is so hard to achieve, because in order to be empathic this way, you have to be the persona that is emotionally stable for not only that period of time, when it's action time, but even when you get into bed and look back on what are the things you did and acknowledge that you were ACTUALY nice for once, it sounds ridiculous, but its the scariest thing EVER for many including me, because then you'll slowly realize that you are closer to that "maxed out" persona that you kind of faked to be to make others feel good...
I call it being empathic with yourself and its hard bc pretty much its cheesy lol
"EMPATHY WITHOUT HONESTY IS MANUPULATION" i needed help while attending college and people who i thought were helping me were asking me to do their work as pay back, they helped me so i would owe them
But one person did showed me real empathy so i learned from that and i try to follow their example
I enjoy-
"I've extremely empathetic"
"I've been having a panic attack and you haven't noticed, I need a moment to breathe"
.... Continues talking about whatever I initially interrupted bc of panic attack
....
what is manipulation with honesty, like. "hey im gonna try use persuasive language/ try pressure you into eating a healthy meal just so you're aware." is that just stating your conflict of interest?
@@RookieREX I think they are referring to something like a covert contact
Contract*
Just my interpretation. My mom is the worst about that. She will insist on helping with something. Latest ex. was with a nephew. He was buying a used starter for his car, she INSISTED that she was going to buy him a new one. He's been doing whatever her current whim is since then. Build a fence, paint a door, do the yard, "where are you going? I wanted you to _____(whatever) today"
It becomes a control tactic. A small Christmas present that cost $20 and doesn't even fit will cost you BIG time at some point. Maybe even a few years later. It's like she makes sick soul contracts with out even getting you to accept first. Just guilt and shame, that's the language she speaks.
I think some evidence of how selfish and individualistic society is becoming, is when you show someone basic kindness they might get attached really quickly. There's a trope about people, usually men, "falling in love" with someone for simply being nice to them in a way they've never experienced, as we also unfortunately seem to socialize people not to be all that considerate of other human beings outside of immediate family or romantic relationships.
I'm really trying to work on seeing the human in others and not taking anything personally, while I simultaneously look to connect authentically with them. It can be really tough, when it seems like everyone is working two jobs while doing classes or something on the side, and basically don't have the time or energy to really focus on relationship building. As much as I want to retreat into myself and focus only on myself once I perceive myself to be at all "rejected", I just feel like that's not the way to go about it all the time.
All in good measure. The external strains are very very real. I personally consider it the effect of sexism. For sexism has disregarded internal and social processes compared to e.g. external and self-centered pursues. Even when all of them are necessary.
So we do not consider the costs of internal and social processes and that these must be e.g. covered when we discuss labour. People must receive enough income AND time AND energy reserved for private matters so they could attend to their health and attend to society properly.
It is true that it takes a base level of resources for people to do well. If we're deprived of that minimum, we start to break down and get less and less effective at maintaining a healthy and content baseline.
It's OK to acknowledge that there are things you can address as an individual and that there are things we can only resolve as community.
Dang, I actually fit that trope
this is such a good point and I've been on both sides of that trope.
> There's a trope about people, usually men, "falling in love" with someone for simply being nice to them
You are right. For a man being treated nice by a woman is such a rare experience that they can become imprinted on that. But for a woman it is such a common experience that you will be just another "nice guy" to her - and it shows that the modern propaganda demonizes the concept of a "nice guy" by claiming that "they are not nice" - almost like claiming that white is black.
Being selfish and being individualistic are two different things. You can be individualistic and very empathetic at the same time. Especially in a world where many people become narcissistic, being an empath is the odd one out.
This actually makes sense! People who can empathize are able to see versions of themselves in others. Their life transcends their fragile physical existence. That's why they feel less stressed, worried, and etc. Because they're seeing that life is not a competition but a teamwork!
Life is both. And that's okay
I still can't believe that we're getting all this advice for free. Thank you so much, Dr. K!
loving how dr. k is so candid at the end lol it's so refreshing
I've always fought for empathy. I cant abandon it. Its a core part of me.
I want my friends to feel heard and understood. Its so very important to me
Do u give space to yourself to be heard too?
@@damson9470 Not as much as id like to admit
@@Rohtix that's a good place to start homie. U deserve the same love u give to others, so might aswell give it to yourself too. Love yourself enough to be able to speak up when u need to
@@damson9470 That's one of the biggest struggles for me for sure
Damson makes a good point. Empathy is highly important, but you must respect yourself too. It’s the people who didn’t respect themselves and got walked all over who give up on being empathetic.
For those saying/lamenting that empathy makes you weak and people take advantage of you, watch the video again, but focus on the difference between cognitive and affective empathy, and on the parts about self management. If your empathy makes you weak then you are over expressing it, and could use to learn how to temper it and set boundaries. Being able to perceive and model another's emotional and rational processes is no weakness; being swept along with their behaviour is.
Video notes I took:
*Being Empathetic towards others actually benefits you
*The world is slowly becoming less empathetic and more narcissistic
*Evolution likes to award Empathic Traits
*Being empathetic boosts serotonin, which is used to manage depression, anxiety, and bad coping mechanisms
*Being compassionate helps manage rumination
*Cognitive Empathy is understanding someone's thoughts and beliefs while Affective Empathy is being feeling what someone else feels
*Cognitive Empathy allows you to forgive someone else more
*Empathy also helps in an objective way, like in a certain profession
*Empathy without Emotional Regulation is a recipe for disaster
*The key skill for empathy is the ability to switch from your head to someone else's head and back
*Being Empathetic is to help someone fix their problems, not fix their problems yourself
*The core skill of mentalization is to assume that the other person is right and then try to figure out the reason behind their view
*In order to receive the benefits of Empathy, you must do it with the genuine desire to help someone, not out of obligation, stress, or to earn something
*This INCLUDES being empathetic for the sake of mental health benefits (Dr. K doomed us all)
For me, being empathetic usually comes from a place of trying to understand stuff. I like to understand how complex systems work, it’s interesting, and I suppose a similar vein of mind applies to empathy. I like to understand how something in someone’s past could influence them to act a certain way towards me in the moment, and it’s hard to be mad at people or blame them when you understand that most of it isnt from malice.
I love being kind and helping. Making someone feel good makes me feel good. Win win.
This channel is one of the best channels in this platform. I almost never feel like people understand my thought processes in real life, and this makes me feel very isolated from everyone.
But when I'm watching your videos, I often feel like "Oh, exactly! That's exactly it! He gets it!", and it's so great to see someone talk about all of these problems of our world in such a refined way.
Thank you *so* much for this, Dr. K. You're literally the best
I've experienced performative empathy from friends. When I reached out to lend me an ear, they offered unsolicited advice and tried to fix me, which left them feeling overwhelmed by the perceived responsibility. Eventually, they told me to take my problems elsewhere, insisting they had given me the right tools and couldn't be responsible for my issues. Initially, I felt hurt and misunderstood because I had held space for them and offered compassion when they were distressed and emotionally disregulated, often feeling drained afterwards, but the support wasn't reciprocated.
However, after watching your video, I realized they might have been experiencing emotional contagion and getting enmeshed with my feelings. Understanding this, I could empathize with their overwhelm and see that they were simply trying their best, even if it wasn't what I needed at the time. I've also noticed that people who give me unsolicited advice and try to fix me often do so from a place of either wanting to be useful, feeling needed and important, or calming their distress and anxiety, rather than genuinely caring about my needs.
You gotta understand that a lot of people don't have the experience to give nuanced advice or have that mentor personality. For that person the best help they can give is their good advice. Even if that advice isn't really what you need from a feelings perspective and especially if it's bad advice all together. But they're trying, not everyone's good at lending an ear unfortunately, me included probably, mayhaps you feel the same about this comment, not what you need.
@@connorking984felt.
its taken me a decade of having friends younger than me who come to me to vent or sometimes explicitly for advice in order to feel confident enough in how i respond. im always up front about how much experience i actually have and how that may influence what i tell them, and thats honestly been the biggest help for understanding on both sides of the conversation. i also dont try and sugar coat anything, but im also not going to be rude or harsh. theres a fine balance.
but like i said, its taken quite a while for me to gather this skill set and to feel comfortable being that mentor role. its not something that comes naturally for most folks. *especially* if youre going to someone your own age for these kinds of things. much harder to get a mature response when youre a teen or young adult going to peers your own age. not that its a bad thing, just that age range typically hasnt gathered as much experience in these interactions.
> they offered unsolicited advice
Did you clearly and directly state that you don't need any advice from them?
It's really hard to "listen to other person's problems" and not say things that would fix their problems. Look up the famous comedy sketch about a woman with a nail in her head, and how hard it is for a man to listen and validate her problems from having a nail in the head without "disvalidating her" by trying to help to remove the nail.
Realized I've been doing this to my girlfriend. Sometimes it makes sense, "ohh you just want to went". But often I get caught up in her problems trying to help her fix them, and then get frustrated when she doesn't do as I suggest. It's not especially easy or intuitive to avoid contagion but it makes perfect sense when explained.
Watched a video that also explained how it is difficult to listen. People tend to relate, criticize or give advice instead of just asking questions and trying to understand what someone is saying. Hopefully understanding this will make it easier to connect with people and help them while not getting too caught up in their problems.
I've seen a lot of teachers do this effectively, it seems all university teachers are doing this now. So I wouldn't be surprised if this topic is standard into teaching curriculum's now.
Some times they just want to help and wish your problem can be solved simply so they give advice hoping that it would fix your problem and then they don't have to worry about you cause they don't have the space to.
People confuse empathy will literal mind reading, that’s the issue.
People are different, just because you do what you think would help someone based ok putting yourself in their shoes doesn’t mean they feel that way.
@@jimbojimbo6873 people are different but people who have high cognitive but more importantly affective empathy - when listening to others problems (generally we don’t formulate / strategise / dispense “advice” when they need help) we LISTEN, FEEL, and RELATE to them because we get most all times they already know/have the answers.
@@jimbojimbo6873 also it’s not mind reading but meeting the individual and feeling some of what they are experiencing at an affective level / emotional level.
U ever get it where thinking from someone else's prospective makes u see the line of manipulation they took why they would benefit from it and it just makes you angrier sometimes it best to think it was a mistake so it doesn't escalate
a big part of this is just communication. "Empathy" is considering their perspective, their situation, why they're acting the way they are, etc. You might not get concrete answers, but if you don't then you can at least try to ask. Being empathetic helps people to ask in non-antagonistic ways, so that they can better understand.
Making assumptions about how someone else wants to be treated is often risky. And yeah, a lot of people who say they're "an empath" are actually awful at empathy, and just project their own issues.
But even just stopping for one second to consider *that* they have their own reasons divorced of your perspective can be helpful. Seeing their viewpoint helps a lot, but just recognizing consciously that they even have their own viewpoint is often more empathy than people give these days.
@hiloknowsall7462 I think that's a great example of how some people use their "empathy" to hype themselves up, and make it their only personality trait. But in my experience, 90% of that performative empathy is speculation and projection, and it objectifies the other side. You can't really see someone while simultaneously jerking off on how empathic you are.
BABE WAKE UP MY tHERAPIST JUST POSTED
Bwhahahahahahshshsh this vid and this comment is my life
@@ramjam7 most accurate comment ever posted
Remember, educational purpose only. Don't ruin it by getting his licensed revoked 😂
World Happiness always spikes at that time, no matter the timezone ^^
Then you realize you don't have someone to call BABE!
I really empathize with what Dr. K is saying in this video...
@@OfficialArlo That's not exactly how empathy works lol, I feel like you meant to say acknowledge rather than empathize. Or i'm completely wrong and my comment is pointless🤝🏼
@@6ixXxnonymousyeah you could empathize with Dr.Ks understanding of empathy and his views about society becoming less empathetic. You could understand why he feels frustrated by the decline in empathy and resonate with the reasons behind Dr.Ks need to make this video to educate the public. That’s all empathy.
@@ThomasPaulson-ez1ym Makes total sense, thanks for responding buddy🤝🏼
@@6ixXxnonymousI mean, it's kind of semantics isn't it. As long as our hearts are in a good place
@@connorking984 Yeah for sure!
I needed this video. I was told multiple times that being empathetic to others to benefit yourself as well is selfish, sleasy, I started to think of myself as manipulative, even though I genuinely like to help people and bring them joy. Their happiness and relief makes me feel better as well, and as someone asks for advice I feel much more motivated to follow it myself, perhaps even to show that I really stand by my words and believe what I say. To set an example that this is possible. This video taught me that I was probably right all along, I shouldn't be ashamed of myself for liking to bring joy to people nor for putting myself first.
This video resonated with me. I've identified as an empath since I was a teen and have always been able to feel and take on other's emotions. I can't imagine a world that I do not have an "outside view" about everything. I attract "takers", as I call them, and it's been quite a burden trying to form friendships and end up just being used as someone's substitute therapist (not a position I volunteer for), or limerence target, or just by acknowledging their existence they assume I'm flirting. None of these things are what I want, and they cannot ever think about things from my point of view because they're so stuck in their self-inflicted fantasy that my thoughts never seem to matter.
I wish it wasn't this way because it's made me so hesitant to form new friendships, especially with the opposite sex as it often ends up with guys catching one-sided feelings even when they know I'm in a committed relationship. One too many awkward friendships I have to set boundaries with is just so uncomfortable. And it's not good for them either because they never seem to understand why I have to put space between us as they're left there thinking, "why does every nice girl I meet end up hating me?" No amount of me trying to explain it helps them understand. It's just so sad.
I hate to break it to you. But an empath is basically an overly glorified highly sensitive person with a lot of trauma. I think u getting to realize this maybe one day and starting to heal the trauma will help you out tremendously with your self image and feeling 'whole'
I'm a primarily empathetic person, and I experience affective and cognitive empathy very often. When I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that my empathy in a relationship is harming me, I deploy feelings of indifference. As a defense mechanism, I have a very avoidant personality, and I use it in tandem with empathy to go through my day-to-day life. I don't know how good or bad that islol. I'm seeing a psycho therapist next week
Oh my gosh, that freaking ending. XD Honestly, even just the education from this video is incredibly valuable! I've always been on the highly sensitive side; I take on other people's emotions as my own, and it's absolutely devastated me in the past, sometimes even leaving me feeling so incredibly drained for weeks on end. Learning how to regulate that and trying to switch between perspectives when necessary is something I absolutely needed to hear.
I'm a teacher and your bit about education is so accurate.
I teach English and I genuinely didn't know the "parts of a sentence" and other extremely basic bits of English. I've always had extremely high test scores just by getting the kids to buy in and that was always through connecting with the kids.
Empathy plus having strong boundaries makes you a really powerful person.but it's hard to balance that.
Good grief, the timing was impecable!
Today I came to the sudden realization that I have been leaning further and further into narcissistic traits and this video was a breath of fresh air, allowed me to rethink and reframe some of what happened to me and led me to feeling my empathy burnout.
I don't know about the last part of the video, but one thing is for sure: I feel a great sense of relief at the moment. Thank you for elaborating on empathy in such a clear, concise and thoughtful manner.
I'm thinking of exercises to foster and nurture empathy within me again.
Thanks Dr. K couldn’t be truer. Empathy can be hard at times / feeling it too much but it is the cornerstone of human connection
Yes, the best teachers tend to be the most empathetic while still remaining authoritative. I was in a local youth symphony while in high school. Our conductor/director was a GEM. He got us to imagine scenery in our heads for the pieces we played, which I still do when I write my own pieces. He almost never scolded us, although he honestly really didn't need to because we all liked him so much. He genuinely cared about us and was overjoyed when we succeeded at more difficult sections. He's now one of the top youth symphony conductors in the Detroit area.
Video came at the right moment. Usually im a highly (non affective) empathetic person who always shows compassion and doesnt expect anything back. But lately ive been stuck in this rabbit hole in which i just cant stop ruminating. Since im in a bad place, even cognitive empathy doesnt work well, bc even though i feel like im becoming more selfish, smth is telling me my needs arent being met anymore? People rarely check up on me and i dont feel appreciated anymore bc its hard for me to stay positive or to help someone atm. I dont want to be saved, i just wish someone was there and would think of me more often. I try to reach out but its not the same as someone checking up on me *bc they want to* . I feel conflicted on whether or not my needs arent being met or if im just being an ungrateful egoist, esp bc i also fall into the "i do everything but nobody is there for me" spiral Sry for grammar its 2:38 am lol
Nothing wrong with being selfish my guy. Sometimes it's needed in life to progress. Once you know how to love yourself to the core (u have to be able to be selfish to be able to) and be able to completely fill your own cup up to a point where it overflows, then you'll be able to really love others and fill their cups up a bit. I got u homie
same stuff buddy, I really forgot how to feel at least anything. I hope you will be treated better as soon as possible
spittin fax i was sad for a long time lost a lot of friends and was mean to my family but mustering the ourage to talk to them has made me a lot happier
Empathy has been weird for me. It feels like I've lost all of it just through poor experiences and what happens in the world
Same
Dissociation. Often due to emotion related burnout. A safety measure to keep yourself safe if you lack better tools to regulate how empathy flows.
It's like: Living on a hill and experiencing a crash each time you roll down with your bicycle that has no breaks. So you choose "Putting the bicycle away" instead of tackling the issue of getting and installing breaks.
Unfortunately, the avoidance of bad experiences tends to lead to more bad experiences. And you're not getting any safer living on that "hill" which you do not have control over, in this example.
Maybe consider contemplating if you have any idea how to "slow down" when it comes to feeling empathy. And look into methods. Start practicing.
You can't stay stuck "on that hill", you'll starve and get weaker and more miserable and less and less likely in the position to "walk down to town to buy those breaks n figire out how to install them".
May you find what first step you can take now, in regards to this struggle. And remember you can seek help too.
@@KxNOxUTA excellent analogy 👏
I understand what your saying but find it a little different. I think all the bad things experienced increase my empathy as it gives more understanding that you never know what people are dealing with. The issue is when your cup is so empty it don't really matter how empathetic you are you can't be of any help to anyone when your struggling to be there for yourself. I suppose we might be talking about dif things as empathy doesn't really require you do to anything for someone else all the time. That's more of the side of it I am referencing. Without that aspect I think negative experiences tend to make you more selective about who to extend your empathy for, also I think it's possible to empathize but then also not care because of the type of situation/person and the fact that the more shit your dealing with the more self absorbed you end up becoming. I gues I still kind of ended up saying basically the same thing as I initially did. Lol idk , idk if you've ever watched the vampire diaries but I think it's like that in a way. If you haven't seen it one of the vampire brothers is the "good one" most of the time but when he's not he's worse than everyone. They refer to it as him flipping his humanity switch on/off. I think humans have the same ability depending on situation they find themselves in. Although I may have completely not made any sense with this post but I get what's your saying/where your coming from.
I have a childhood-based dissociative disorder that keeps me cut off from everyone and everything - I can understand the logic of empathy very well, but I can never "feel" it in my heart myself, it makes me feel like a fraud in that situation socially or emotionally or such
The explanation between cognitive empathy versus affect empathy is well worth the hours I've watched on the subject. I don't experience the affect type of this, and overcompensate with cognitive empathy not realizing it's empathy because its thought not emotion. Gives a healthy outlook on why i feel completely indifferent internally, but people around me feel better when i pay attention to them. It first it just felt misleading but doing it more and more changes so many other thought processes and overall happiness levels. I'm glad to know i just use one type and not void of this trait especially for the good. Thank you for your videos they're awesome
This video was not made for someone like me. I've been OVERWHELMING empathetic towards others and been overly selfless throughout my life. The result is that I am a damaged human being. I have C-PTSD, depression (MDD), generalized anxiety. I was abused as a kid. I am not doing well today as a 32 Y/O man. I am trying to figure out how to fix my issues and my life. I am trying to figure out how to improve my mental health. All of these things are stuff i have to do alone because it seems that other people do not care enough to want to help me. I'm genuinely sorry but I don't think I should be more empathetic in my situation. I think i owe it to myself to work on my own issues instead of wasting my energy being empathetic towards others. All this looks like is that I express empathy for other people's situations but I do not put any additional effort/energy into their situations as I keep in mind that it is their situation to fix, not mine.
Perhaps you need to focus on being more empathetic towards yourself.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 i think you are right. I am not empathetic towards myself at all and its causing a lot of issues.
@@ClassyJohn i know im in no place to talk considering what youve been through, but i wanted to point out that the video talks about empathy helping you, not necessarily helping others. So when saying being empathetic towards others is a waste of energy, i dont see it that way when it helps you. then again you said the videos not for you and dr k even said at the end he doesnt know if itll work. at the end of the day, all you can do is your best
have you watch the video carefully? The video talks about this, about to be careful of being too emphatetic because it may will lead you to being used by others. There's still boundaries in being emphatetic, and that is to not fully involve yourself in other people's problem. Because when you take other people's problem for yourself, that person will stop trying to solve their own problem, it should be encouraging that person to solve their own problem, not taking their problems
but yeah I don't know about your problem and what kind of emphaty you have been doing, but my point is, the video does not talk only about the positive side of emphaty
@@Sarah-iq3sc I understand where he is coming from though, because I lived like that as well.
The video is geared towards cultivating empathy when you are used to mostly focus on yourself and your own pov. It's for more, shall we say, "casually self-centered" people (not malignant narcissists I mean).
For those of us who had any kind of sense of (healthy) ego wiped out in childhood, of course the video is still useful*, but I understand being left more like "ok? I've been on this path my whole life. Where are my mental health benefits though?"
* If only to curtail the danger of steering too much towards the other side, that of spiteful selfishness.
I feel bad for having so much empathy and not getting any back, it sucks.
If you care for others with the expectation of anything in return other than making them feel better, then you will be very disappointed.
Let me add that if those you give your empathy and energy to don’t return any, then you aren’t obligated to continue giving them any more of your time and energy. Sometimes it’s better to find a better social circle. Empathy is important, but it needs strong boundaries to remain healthy.
@@AskConner You're right, I need a better way of motivation
@@boysrcute Do things as you going to die tomorrow.And you don't need motivation or something, you need to change your way of thinking for that you need to understand yourself.Treat others like how you want to be treated so at least you can act respectfull(Bare minimum).
@@boysrcute
Don't expect anything back because that is selfish
Do it because you care and then stop and save some empathy for yourself.
imo
@@AskConner You are mistaking "disappointed expectation" and "expressing grief over not being safe with people like they are with you, as a social being".
It's energy intensive. Not because it is by default but because the loop isn't working like it's supposed to.
It's ignorant to pretend that individuals can thrive in society by being completely self-sufficient.
It's like criticising that a person takes the time to feed others when they are too sick to do it, to find themselves starved when they are too sick to feed themselves while ill. And to then tell them that their attitude is the problem instead of stepping up to YOUR responsibility to be the one to show empathy towards a person in need of support.
You just went and "did the thing" of failing to provide emotionally. Taking a person who expresses a need for a safe space and suggesting they aren't safe to rely on others, starting with you. 🫣
You yourself literally make a difference in how hard it is for OP to maintain kindness. Let's do better next time and step up the empathy.
This video came at just the perfect time, I was struggling to find strength to be kind after a couple hard times I've had recently. Thanks, this helped me remember why I try to be kind and learn how to better deal with it.
I've been thinking about how so many personality disorders and mental illnesses seem like someone whose brain is stuck in fear mode, or survival mode.
And then think about a cat in panic mode. How much can you interact with that cat? almost none. You're better off helping that cat calm down before trying to introduce it to another cat etc.
So, to me it makes sense that humans in panic mode tend to think of everything in terms of short term thoughts and less socializing.
Of course this is just an arm waving hypothesis, but something about it feels right.
Just watched this on my birthday, and I honestly really needed it. Thank you Dr. K :)
This video has been up for only a few minutes so I obviously haven’t finished it even on 1.25x speed. But this is a fantastic topic, and so far-I hope this reaches MANY more people. We really have become so insanely individualistic… speaking as a recovering self-improvement addict.
Thank you for all your work & wisdom.
i am 90% enlightened and 10% confused
thank you dr k for taking the time to make the video!!
I think doctor k is actually watching me at this point.. couldn’t be a better timing.
I just went trough a breakup because my girlfriend only talked about herself. I loved listening to her stories because i cared about her deeply, thought of her every moment of the day.
Only to realise that she never cared about my feelings,never even asked about them, and talked about me as if i was an object behind my back. Even to my own friends😀My kindness was taken advantage of and the worst thing is that i will never understand how people could be this way
i wish you healing :) please dont loose trust in women, we need men like you!
@@lemmings6516 I won’t, I know most people, men and women, aren’t like this.. i just have to be more careful before trusting a girl in the future!(:
First I watched a video called: "selfish people win at the end of the day"
then I tuned into this video where dr k talks about how u should be more selfless.
I liked both videos and I think that alot of the things we be considering "selfish" isnt rly selfish. A lot of times when people tell me im selfish just beacuse I HAVE a life it turns out to be beacuse they themselves are such a people pleaser they aint got no time for themselves, and they think i should do the same.
Realizing that u have ur own life and that ur time is important to spend on ur self growth is rly important. BUT alot of the time, promoting love to others and giving away off ur time is going to be part of that growth process. I love the people that are now in my life, even though in the past people have acted like I have no wants and needs off my own. I learnt in my childhood to not even have any wants or needs. So ofc when in adulthood i made that switch it looked self absorbed to the people who had known me.
Have ur own wants and needs, ur own goals. Beacuse if u dont, ur going to struggle with ur identity later on.
Be compassionate and caring to the people around you, see all that they do for you and dont be blind to the signs of love that they show you literally every single day < 3
We as humans are going to get more dependent on technology but if we continue to be dependent on social media for connection, we’re doomed.
I would like to remind you that humanity has existed for a long time, and has delt with many bad situation (natural disaster, war, demoralization, etc.) We will figure out this like we've done everything else. I think with people like Dr. K we're well on our way
@@transmutemineralore did we truly figure out war or natural disasters however? Those still cause so much chaos and destruction in our world today
@luvyounikki maybe not forever, but we're still here, aren't we? My point is we're not going extinct, and living is objectively better than it used to be (I'd rather be lonely than starving or covered in boils). We'll never be problem free, but saying we're doomed is inaccurate. There have been revolutions and reforms before, and they'll happen again.
These technologies of the last 150 years are unprecedented in human history. There is no parallel in the past to compare the internet or planes to. I would not be so assured as you. @@transmutemineralore
I feel that empathy is very important to foster healthy and meaningful relationships. If I ever feel that I'm treated unjustly, I try to understand the thought process of the person(s) involved as to why they did that. Of course, there's an obvious line that needs to be drawn so I'm not taken advantage of. E.G. If a person uses their poor childhood upbringing as an excuse for poor behaviour, I empathise with them and give them grace, but I'm not going to forgive it forever. They're an adult now, they need to work on themselves to stop hurting others, regardless of their history.
I naturally have empathy and was doing all that helping for everyone around me and it was also part of my job (RN) but it burnt me out really bad. I had compassion fatigue. People started taking advantage of me, take me for granted, and I got very depressed and anxious pleasing others. Since stopping that and caring less, my stress level has decreased so much.
I conjecture there's some attachment that comes with the kind of empathy that gets exploited. If you're attached to the outcomes of your empathic actions too much, you'll either exert yourself more than you can afford, or you'll feel the weight of failure to help people. If you're not overly attached to the outcome, then you can care about people and work hard to help them, but you can live more peacefully with the fact that you are not solely responsible for all the failure that comes with it. In a weird way, i think there's a powerful ego in people who are easily manipulated, perhaps because over-exertion of empathy is a learned behavior for them.
I was really close to adopting the mindset that empathy isn't something great and that's a weakness..... Now I feel so validated. Thank you!
Someone once told me, "When discouraged, encourage others." Thanks Dr. K for giving me scientific evidence.
Thanks, Dr. K! These topics are good for me to revisit, I feel like.
I am so often told i am kind yet i am very lonely person. I dont have any friends, my heart was smashed into pieces. I always had very difficult relationships with my family which apart of me counts only two other people.
I know kindness is not enough but should be a asset and is more perceived as weakness.
I struggle to understand what i do wrong. Maybe i am to needy? I guess i literally starving for human interaction and although i try to control this is probably difficult to hide
You need to make some good friends. You can start by doing a class related to your hobby of choice. You'll find plenty of people to connect with about something you're passionate about. If things go smoothly you've suddenly got 1 more person who cares about you as much as you care about them.
One thing to consider is if you're being a "people pleaser". I have no way of knowing if that's your issue, nor am I throwing stones, only suggesting it because I've had that issue before.
I think sometimes it's easy to confuse empathy and kindness with being "nice" and placating as a method of getting people to like you. The line isn't always clear, but what matters most is the intention. Speaking up for yourself and saying what you think and feel instead of what you think others want to hear can make a huge difference in your ability to make connections.
But as you say, being kind isn't always enough. You won't always get along great with people or be very close to everyone even if they have no reason to dislike you, that's just how it is.
That is very likely the case. It's counterintuitive, but your chances to build a support system gets bigger, the better you get at responsibly addressing your own needs and keeping others safe whenever you receive their support.
Aka the better you get at inviting others to set their boundaries with you on top of expressing their needs, the more they'll enjoy being around you.
This also means that you learn to measure how much you entrust others with your are. You absolutely are to trust others. It gives them an opportunity to be your hero. So they must be entrusted with sth. they can actually succeed at.
When starved, we are prone to insatiable behaviour. We are also prone to expressing negative emotions when good moments "end" and that creates guilt and shame foe the other person (e.g. the mood becoming heavy when a friend says they gotta end the call n return to some duty of theirs).
We can also end up "information and emotion vomiting" rather than "sharing". Because we build up many thoughts and feelings that we want to put "out there", but it's too much to handle. Often that's combined with us listening to ourselves not making up the majority of "feeling content". Aka journaling but not feeling sated afterwards, as we don't recognise "expressing sth." as such, when we're the only witness to it. And we can absolutely change that internal narrative and learn that journaling is a form of self-indulging.
Your cravings and desperation are VALID. it's because they are valid, that you want to do the most effective things to improve your own situation on the long run. And that is the way to do it.
I, too, have way more support ever since I establish with people that I value their ability to self-care over all else. As that's the only way we'll be able to support each other on the long run. When we're not OK, we all lose!
@@Jazzmaster1992 I think in my case is a mixed of both. I genuinely care about others, especially when they suffer in anyway but I am also people pleaser. I am not even do things so people like me, I often feel I just have to do what others want, nearly at the obedience level and to extend I am guessing what they might want if this is not comunicated.
However at the same time I am very considerate of others and sensitive to suffering. I often experience others suffering as strongly as my own and willing to do something if possible.
So, I guess you are right, I probably more often people pleaser than kind person. However as I said I dont pleased people so they like me, I pleased people because I can imagine I dont do what others want.
@@Jazzmaster1992 I find out that things rather deteriorated quickly if i speak what i think. It is not like I speak what others want to hear but I am rather creating some persona who speaks all round, correct, proper staff. I guess I am very frustrated, see world as unfriendly place and self as not worth much but I never communicate this. Instead I am interested in others, always find some genuine staff I price in what they do or speak.
I never talk about my insecurities but also don't display over confidence.
I work in healthcare, so I see a lot of suffering and death at work. I also have friends and family who are struggling right now, and I am worried for them. My life is going really well, but I've been sad lately thinking about how much pain there is in this world. I think I really needed this.
What an M Night Shyamalan twist right at the end there!
I'd always wondered why I was so forgiving and understanding of others who said they were busy for one thing or another while others got offended (some even stalked me) whenever I was busy. After 15 years of it, I released those friendships (which was about 95% of them) and I'd always felt guilty for doing so despite feeling it was right for me. Now I understand.
I really like these vids but I do wish Dr. K would link the sources to the studies he refers to. I wanna look into them more since they seem really interesting
I laughed so hard at the ending, it was perfect 😂. It can be solved though🤓. Why don't we explore genuine kindness and empathy? Not for the sake of exploring or practice a life hack, but for the feeling itself. If I see someone who is sad, I genuinely want to give them a little boost, because I know I pass on positivity. Don't expect something in return though. Also, let go of the other as soon as possible (like dr. K explained about his therapy sessions). I hope this helps😊!
I had a big laugh at the end 😂 thank you Mr. K, made my day 😁
If you help someone to help yourself, you never get to learn if you've been helped yet. If you help someone to help them, you can actively see what you are doing to impact someone.
This one is of paramount importance. Sad to see declining levels of empathy, but then again we can all see it. Be the change, folks
On your little tidbit at the end, ive personally experienced this mental struggle, but what i did to overcome that is to intentionally choose to be a good person not because i want to look good or feel good, but because i want to, because i want to make that person feel better. I extend my platonic love towards them and embrace them as someone i care about. Just as youd help a friend because you care about them.
Though you'd need to mentally poke and prod at what platonic feelings mean to you, and how you want to express them to those you care about.
Question Dr K.: So, a lot of female friends come to me for "relationship advice" when they are confused or their feelings are hurt.(Ex. I matched online with my son's preschool teacher or my boyfriend made a weird comment about my eye color. Is this a problem? What should I do?) Now, as a woman that has never been in a relationship...this is always very humorous to me because I am completely unexperienced. The feedback from more than one has been that they like my insight because I have "a logical view of love". Is this cognitive empathy or is this just lack of experience?
Probably both.
I thought I was being empathetic but I was feeling constantly anxious and bad about myself. Then I started to actually make efforts for myself and others and I realised that before I wasn't being empathetic I just was people pleasing. Trying to actually be a nice person really gets you out of your toxic mentality because you don't see yourself as a victim anymore, you see how bad the others can have it too (and maybe sometimes because of your own bad habits) and how much love there's in the world at the same time❤❤❤
God I love Doctor K 😂 "I don't know if that needs to be edited it..." LOL
Great video as usual. One extraneous thought that came to my mind was at the core of much of what you discussed, is the concept of releasing the outcome. Being you, doing the best you can, being as kind as you can, for the reason of being your highest best and then releasing any outcome. You’re not stressed you’re not doing it for yourself. You’re not even doing it to help others you’re doing it because you wanted delivered the best of yourself to the world. And what happens after that is in the hands of the universe. It takes a lot of stress away from almost every situation you discussed and as you’ve released the outcome, if you get benefit from it, great. if you don’t get benefit from it, that’s OK too. You’ve done what you needed to do to give to the world, your highest and your best. After that, you have no control and to release that Control has been one of the greatest gifts I keep working on giving myself. I see it as forward movement towards Maslow’s concept of self actualization, which is a personal goal of mine. Just a thought and my ramblings :-) . Have a great day and again thanks for the video.
Empathy is a curse. It ruined my life and almost ended my life.
Being able to understand other people's problem, trying to help them (financially, socially) but in return only thing i got was resentment, hate, betrayal. Saved a kid from bullies and a year later he spread a rumour about me assaulting and doing very bad stuff to he's girlfriend. Got me suspended from collage, ruined my collage life and almost got me arrested. I was saved by the collage CCTV. They fucked some stuff up in the story and entire plot crumbled. And that hole in the story literally saved my life. Truns out he was angry because i refused to give him keys to storage room where he was gonna have good time with he's girlfriend. For fucks sake why did i even save that shit..
Turns out you can not escape a label like that in society. I'm at this point is a walking corps, people talking behind me back about me being a R***** and some times to my face. I can't even move cities due to health issues. All that depression, jumped from a bridge but somehow survived with a Broken leg (i don’t even know how but here i am)....
I really hope that dude and he's gal gets the worst. I want to die every fucking time when someone mentions that incident.
If what you say is true, I hope it gets better bro.
Ohhh man, your story opened a wound I have… betrayals from someone you felt empathy and sided with hurt a lot… and my story is not near as bad as yours…
Hope you’re doing better!
I guess it’s safer to feel empathy for those who we already know that are trustworthy.
That’s my pushback towards open empathy especially in this day and age. People will see that and use that against you for their own benefit but when you take it away you’re a bad person/harming yourself? bs
While that's very sorry to hear happened, I fail to see how this is related to empathy. Narcissism and deception by the kid comes first, not to mention, I fail to see how the kid would've changed to not have done that to anyone if empathy was missing. If what you're saying is that if you had ignored him, it would've happened to someone else, which is what matters? Unlikely, given what you described of the other person. If he was gone and/or taught a lesson? Well, surprise, this actually wouldn't be empathy that is at fault, but trust. As this video says, proper use of empathy doesn't actually involve on you helping their problem, but rather you helping them help themselves. So by you hopping in and helping the person, there's actually a lot more factors at play than just empathy. Considering the event happened a year later, I assume you kept some kind of connection (otherwise empathy is even less involved). Empathy might have triggered the action that caused it, but that doesn't mean it was proper use of empathy either. Empathy caused you to trust the person more than you should, but understanding someone's actions and trusting someone aren't really the same thing. I can feel empathic towards someone I don't trust. I can lack it towards someone I trust. What you're calling a curse is not empathy, it's trust (and selfishness of others).
@@johndinner4418 Perhaps it was Trust and combination of many other factors. But it all started with EMPATHY. Had i not stepped in, I'd most probably have a normal life like many others. That few moments of empathy propelled my life towards destruction.
I maintained connection with him the entire time. Treated him like a lil bro. We became very very close. That's why it fucking hurts more. Im sobbing as i write this comment. Wonder what could have been.
I Don't know how it feels to go on a date, Don't know what is a love life. The only time i managed to get a date after that incident but it ended in humiliation. Imagine getting called R4p1$t by your date in front everyone. It was too much for me and i jumped from a bridge to end it. But God won't even let me die that day. I don’t know what kind of sin I've committed in my past life, but this life is no less then a hell for me. I can't die now since i promised my mom and dad that i won't harm myself. And i don’t want them to feel bad or make them cry since they Supported me from the very beginning.
Perhaps as long as they are around, i just need to hang on till they kick the bucket. After performing the last rites i will follow them and free myself from this living Hell.
Death is the only thing i look forward to.
That 5-10 minutes of empathy sealed my fate for rest of my life. It made me what im Today.
Thank you for commenting and your analysis, and for your time. I pray you have normal and healthy good life. I hope no one becomes like me.
Being compassionate I’ve found over the decades that it is net positive. It turns out you feel better. But people remember how the felt around you. When in distress they will stand up for you. Even if you don’t see it or know it
As someone with adhd, I've always felt like I have to be myself, despite not knowing how to convey that to myself. Like I'll tell myself to be me but when I ask myself who I am, it doesn't lead to anywhere good. It's the whole "turtles all the way down" analogy. So at some point I told myself that the best way to be myself is to not think too hard and act as much as possible. Some days I can do a lot, and some days I need more breaks or even a day of rest.
I know this has little to do with the video but when you said "you have to genuinely care about somthing in order to get health benefits from work (volunteer or otherwise)" made me realise that I don't care too much about my current job. I literally work extra hours just to get everything done and it sucks. What keeps me going is the fact that I live away from my folks with my wife and I have to contribute rent somehow. The people here are generally nice but are similarly overworked. And I really want to care more throughout my day but I don't care about the job I spend 8+ hours a day on and that's too much.
I have multi people I care about, but not enough things or places or purposes that I care about. Not good. I need to care about something meaningful to me and maybe others.
Need to get this out of my head. Thanks to anyone who read this. 😅
Being fairly required to spend 8 hours somewhere is a big ask when you're also trying to build the empathy muscles. I don't think you're doing anything wrong I think it's just a tough situation. That's my thought, good luck brotha
Oh also you should start a constructive hobby, something you can build up over time and have it be yours regardless of quality or whatever. I know people say get a hobby all the time but it's good advice, something to call your own and be proud of is great.
The content of your videos is great as always! Clear message, well presented, backed by evidence, and showing the relevance to our lives. Thank you Dr K 🙏🏻🙏🏻
everyone’s capacity for empathy is hindered by their deep rooted insecurities it seems
What I like about this Dr is he speaks clearly and it easy for me to understands what he said. Thank you Dr K, this is really really good topic.
Dr K is the cool uncle we all want to have in the family
10:25 I really appreciate your ability to draw the right conclusions from such studies; taking into account perspective or even the difference between correlation and causality
This all makes sense and is great. But the one thing i struggle with is, say im trying to understand someone's perspective, how do i know thats what they're true intentions are? What if they really didnt forget your birthday and just didn't give a fuck? Giving people the benifit of the doubt is always good of course or just talking to them to figure why maybe. So yea i was just confused on this.
@susancornett4396 Really appreciate this. Yea i think thats really all you can do, all we can really do is assume since we cant read minds. Its human nature to either trust someone or not right. We're not always going to know what the other person is thinking 100%. Its kind of s tough pill to swallow but its the truth.
Realizing empathy can help me and intentionally practicing and improving my listening skills didnt sabatoge me. Thinking about myself constantly is extremely lonely, and when i catch myself doing it in conversation i remember that ill feel less lonely if i get out of my head and think about the person in front of me. Win-win
I'm thinking about the people in my life who complained the most about loneliness and they did tend to talk about themselves more than others.
No way this man just said goon cave
Wait until you see the whole video he made about gooning and goon caves lol
12:57 empathy for others, the qmount of hurt goes down as their mind is on other things. they are incapable of doing whatever.
14:18 full attack on a narcissist
anxious, depressed, stressed out, dont have good relations.
In today’s world, especially on the Internet, where cruelty is normalized and celebrated being empathetic and a decent human being is a superpower, and will often result in you getting mocked and laughed at…..
Yes! Embrace cruelty, reject the weakness of empathy
Because cruelty is strength. The moment you know you can dominate the weak, is the moment you open your eyes to reality.
Totally agree. The only social I have is RUclips. You can’t find me on any socials. Not unless myspace still existed. dating myself here.
I think the Internet poisons people's brains into thinking that everyone is cruel. In my experience, people are usually decent irl
@@ShazyShaze Speak for yourself. It's a dog eat dog world out there. Try customer service, and you'll end up like us.
Great video!
I spent most of my life stuck in emotional contagion but found that I used metallization in a way that actually invalidated my own feelings and kept me “sick”.
I was surrounded by unhealthy people and in an abusive relationship, so I can see how this was the way I coped to just keep going.
I have been out of that relationship over five years and found that to restore balance, I had to be closed off to the perspectives and feelings of others while I developed a healthy relationship with my own perspectives and feelings first. You are 100% correct on empathy and how it helps us understand and forgive others… interestingly enough, I had to use this to understand and forgive myself.
Currently, I am in a more balanced state and taking things one step at a time.
Thank you for your content and for creating a space where people can feel supported and empowered 😊❤
Before starting work i can feel like have empathy for people, but the longer i work the more i feel used which make it hard for me to care for people.
I try to remember to look at why the people are using me. Like maybe it’s just their job or they are worried about something and not thinking about how you feel. Then I will set a boundary and say hey I’ve got too much on my plate right now so I’m not able to do what you need me to do. Or I’m not comfortable doing this amount of work without more pay. I try to say “I” statements to make it more about a problem I’m having with it instead of blaming them for it. It disarms people and is easier to communicate what I need. Hope this helps.
Some of my thoughts about 5 minutes into the video. For me it was always how can I help my partner, what more can I do for them. The mental health system fails in so many ways to actually help people but we did a study in psychology in university that talks about that empathy or so called therapeutic characteristics should be embodied by normal average people since the system cannot handle everyone. And it is true but people also shouldn't feel that they should carry the role of a therapist like in the case of my partner it eventually weighed me down so much. I become apathetic to cope. I'm struggling to get back on my feet life just feels very dull and I could use some empathy. But it's all a fine balance a balance which many people don't know how to do cause it's either empathy with no bounderies or narsassism/apathy towards others.
It's just hard to be the one that reach out all the time and be empathetic but then it's like people's capacity to accept it is low. And they tend to jump to relationship instead of friendship whenever that empathy exceeds a certain line.
Thank you for the video.❤
A friend of mine recently started to fall through every time we would make plans. He would blame his depression for why he absolutely cannot come of the house right now. After the literal 30th time, said if he does it again, its going to really make me annoyed. He said "I'm sorry you feel that way but I thought you'd understand how I feel" this really irked so I told him to F off. He only has "depression and anxiety" when it's convenient for him. I would constantly cater to him when he doesnt care about a thing I have going on. I could go on complaining all day, but I'm wondering if I'm the a Hole for
A) calling him on his BS
B) challenging his idea that he's helpless
C) giving up on the friendship.
Let me know
Ive been way less annoyed
Have you thought of why he would say he has depression and anxiety and not show up? Assume for a moment what he's saying is true, what could be the reason for that? You're claiming you're calling him on his BS, but what reason would he have to lie about it? After you do that, is there other reasons you think he wouldn't want to make plans with you?
I've known people over the years who have had issues like this. What I decided is that people who have depression and anxiety will still make time for people they care about. If they don't, their issues are crippling their ability to be present for others or they just don't feel a sense of urgency for the friendship enough to try to do better. In either case I had to "drop" them because I couldn't deal with it. Do what you feel is right for you.
From a post like that its hard to tell if youre doing everything right or screwing up yourself. I mean thats why situations like that are so diffcult, if we just 'knew' whats wrong, then it would be a problem.
Either way tho, what I strongly read from your comment is, your friend sounds like he didnt understand how you felt. Idk why, maybe he was very self-centered; depression/anxiety does that to people, but it also doesnt excuse it. Or maybe you didnt make clear enough (and in a non-accusatory way) how you felt about the problem in your friendship.
In the end you need to take care of yourself first and foremost tho, because nobody else can do that. Thats part of why its "help people, but dont see it as your job to fix them". If a friendship is damaging to you, and you cant fix it, then its just not a good thing.
The main issue tho seemed to be that disconnect in how you two felt about the friendship and the other person.
I would be interested in seeing a video about folks who already have very high empathy and how to have "shields" and negativity detox from unwanted bad energy.
Some may not be capable to certain levels of empathy. In my experience everyone wants empathy for themselves
Help not fix. I have this thing where I said “I’m not trying to save you, I’m trying to inspire you” by leading by example and showing my findings rather than telling them what to do. Just sharing my thoughts and successes I found that friends on the same wave length get inspired and as do I when they do this to me
The solution to getting the benefit of empathy for yourself is to simply focus on the suffering that the person is experiencing. By paying full attention to their suffering, you will have less mental room to even think about whether whose going to benefit from your empathy. The feeling of wanting to care for the other should naturally follow
Seems like a recipe for disaster, caring is a skill you have to nurture ("nurturing" itself takes care and patience lol). You don't want to force an attitude and especially not by overwhelming your brain with suffering... I think if you want to help just try to do so but don't let it take too much of your energy either in or out
I'm struggling hard with this right now. The timing could not have been better. I've practiced empathy since starting therapy years ago. I'm reaching a point of falling apart from being empathetic while being surrounded by narcissistic people who don't want to change. I'm currently stuck in the situation and have no viable options to fix my situation. I was doomed before the video started, but it did confirm a lot of what I had already determined through my own mental health journey. It's almost more lonely to be empathetic sometimes when there's no one around you with empathy to return.
I find that it's not a zero sum game : if I let someone I care about vent for a while and feel bad as a result, I believe the amount of negative emotions the other person offloads as a results is by far greater than the amount I end up taking in.
As a result, the net effect is less pain in total.
@@joelbolduc3354 I had a saying about the theoretical goodness of a intimacy with another (haven't done well with decernment but I think it would be like this)
When we share in pain, it's halved and when we share in joy, it's doubled
@@critter_paws I love that! Thank you so much for sharing that. I'll keep it for me now. I hope y'all have a wonderful day, night, evening and life 💛
this is reasonable, but situational. It depends how close you are with the other person. It also depends on whether they're just venting, or full on trauma dumping. It further depends on how sensitive the listener is to emotional contagion, and how much the one venting is actually benefitting from the venting.
Some people love to vent, but don't actually improve themselves by it. Some people like to victimize themselves and venting becomes a habit rather than stress relief.
This is all to say that you're definitely not wrong, and I'm glad that that's been your experience. But it's worth mentioning the potential for a zero sum situation, as there are absolutely some people who will help others to their own detriment.
One of the reasons that I love rewatching movies, tv, etc. is that I love flexing the cognitive empathy muscle. On second go around you can sit with hindsight and mull over “why did they do that” or “how did that event make them feel”? And sometimes I will obsess over a show until I feel like I really understand the pov of the characters. I think it’s helped in situations where I need to support someone else in the moment.
Empathy and compassion have been weaponized against us. Therefore I have none to give.
That's giving up then, no? I'd rather suffer by living my life my way, with empathy, than to deprive myself from that life and live in misery.
No good deed goes unpunished, empathy is strickly self sacrifice for the ungrateful who want to take advantage of you or destroy you, thats reality
Howdy
@@GreyerSkiez Well hi
Howdy
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@@DjTrackcube : ))
@@abcdefzhij : ))
So thankfully for me I came to this realization a few years ago, and I want to address Dr. K’s last point on perhaps being doomed by knowing empathy will benefit the self and I can say for me, the answer was “no, it did not doom me, and only when I truly knew was I able to do this successfully.”
Basically when I first started being empathetic for “selfish” reasons, I told myself that even though I was doing it somewhat for self-benefit, it would only work if I was being genuinely empathetic. So in a similar way that you go to the gym daily even if you see zero immediate results because you KNOW that over time it will yield the results you want, paradoxically KNOWING that being truly empathetic in daily situations would benefit me in the long run, I was able to let go of seeing the immediate results myself and behave only for the benefit of the other person.
In other words, it was only when I truly internalized the KNOWING that I would benefit long term that I was able to let go of the expectation.
That intro just reminded me that my parents forgot my like 13th birthday, but so did I
Morning in the bathroom with dad and I just like:
**stops brushing teeth**
“oh, it’s my birthday”
Dad:
**also stops brushing teeth**
“Oh yeah… Damn”
absolutely great message. once you have learned to be empathatic, it is vital to apply it to yourself too. have some empathy for yourself at times, and be patient with yourself
I think its safer in this world to have less empathy actually. Being a good sensitive person is rough to become successful when the world is run by greed violence selfishness manipulation. Speaking of manipulation, being a victim of emotional manipulation is very real for a empath. Anyway emotional control is important
I have tried to make friends with probably a hundred different people around my age on the internet over the course of the last 2 years, and I can assure you pretty safely that the current state of humans is pretty doomed.
The real empathy that will help you survive in this post-apocalyptic world of morons we live in, is the "negative empathy". Imagine how would you feel if it was you doing the bad things people do to you. You feel bad about yourself! So how are they able to do it? because they are messed up, not you. That helps you protect yourself from it.
Video tackles this topic. It's better for your mental health to be empathic. Being empathic doesn't mean you'll just do what other people say because you feel bad for them or understand them. Genuinely trying to understand them is all you need to get the health benefits. You can understand why someone's trying to manipulate you and still tell them off for trying it. Being nice, or trusting people, is not inherently connected to empathy. You're just thinking about others and getting out of your own mind to see more perspectives. In reality, it might help you in figuring out how to handle the world better by understanding why greedy people do what they do and the signs to look out for. If you're selfish and a narcissist you'll never understand why other people do what they do and have less perspective on how the world functions.
@@johndinner4418, you just need to understand them? But what if you understand them and you feel nothing
@@Doublemonk0506 The more you feel by understanding them makes you more empathic, you can still have empathy even if you're not that empathic yourself. What matters is that you can reason their actions, you stop having questions about why someone did what they did, and you get over it much quicker. If you understand why something happens, you move on. Acting on empathy to help others and feeling the need to help past just understanding, which is the basis of feeling empathy, is called sympathy. Yes you're less empathic if you don't feel their pain, but that doesn't mean you can't put the benefits of the concept into practice.
there's that thought that comes back regularly that everything was much more simple when i was much nicer, before high school ! i don't know how it happend but i traded niceness for meanness a lot after I entered high school.. not like bad BAD mean stuff, but you know, little things were i could just have bean nice, like when i was in middle school..
"Why Empathy Matters More Than Ever" - or in other words: How being a people pleaser will benefit others but not yourself.
"I didn't watch the video, but I will still share my opinion about it"
@@kjaran7164 not gonna watch a video with titles that are click bait and dont spark my interest 🤷
For me, knowing that someone is being empathetic/compassionate/understanding/whatever you wanna call it for their own benefit devalues the total kindness received.
But ignorance is bliss I guess.
Had a friend to whom I have abandoned myself trying to meet their needs as their constant hurt and accusing me of being the source of the hurt (as I don't meet their needs and can't read their minds or that I also do stuff without them). I no longer could endure (heart feeling heavy, feeling of nausea and body literally shaking from the thought of having to interact with them is not a fun feeling) it and ended the friendship.
Oh, and they constantly complained that I don't check up on them every day. I don't see the need for it as we already had voice chats through discord 4 times a week.
At first there was a lot of anger because I allowed them to do that to me because I cared and didn't want to hurt them, so I tried my best to meet their needs (which wasn't enough for them). I started googling stuff trying to figure out why has this happened. Watched various videos on various mental health subjects. That search also made me realise the damage I was doing to the friend by abandoning myself instead of having boudanries and not being able to sit with their hurt without taking in that hurt (them accusing me of emotionally abusing them because I didn't take their hurt did a number on me). By being always aviable I was enabling them. They were sorta dependant on me for social interactions as due to my constant aviability, they saw no reason to find other people to interact with, so when I wans't aviable it was devastating to them.
As the saying goes "the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
After a few months and a lot of research, I started to mellow out and was no longer angry. I understand that they have a lot of traumas and maybe even some neurodiversities as they told me they have a hard time connecting to people. I kinda forgave them, but tat does not mean I want to continue the friendship. I wish them to find people who are more compatable and they can connect to. As for me, I learned my lesson that I should not abandon myself in order not to hurt the other.