I'm currently during the manual process of becoming less understanding and more focused on myself - the world don't deserve us and is not supporting, so ascending to the better working form is needed, not allowing others to use You is not harmfull. I still try to be somewhat nice, but care way less. Meditating helps.
@@SolusAgomorIts a bit of both. Like K said, empathy alone when combined with negative emotions already does a lot with you. If we don't want to be in that situation anytime - but rather be able to choose and protect ourselves when necessary - we got to be less understanding and more with ourselves at times. Doesn't mean abandoning that skill/trait at all, just not doing it to the extreme - which is all the time
Absolutely, there needs to be healthy balance of both, I define empathy and boundaries as healthy forms masculinity and femininity, and I think both men and woman and everyone in-between or outside of gender binaries should possess a healthy balance of both qualities.
Entitlement might be a red flag for manipulative people which will probably use that against you. This is the #1 way I check out if I feel dismissed for not "trying".
The people you describe probably don't understand what empathy means (or pretend to not understand) and are looking for someone to use for whatever their goals are. The comment above mine is good advice, it precludes being able to set and enforce boundaries though.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 Checking out is my way of setting "boundaries" usually, Im not really conditioned to keep trying to win people over. I mainly give my close friends and partner opportunities though on establishing my boundaries before I consider shutting down cause I know it isnt exactly ideal but eh I dont like giving too much benefit of the doubt to strangers.
It’s funny this should come up, I have been getting a lot of anger lately from my increased empathy, the desire to help someone who is failing and watching them make the same mistakes over and over can be maddening. Trying to learn to take a step back and help without taking it all on, it’s a balancing act for sure.
My problem was that was me in a 3 year relationship. And when I would step back and not take it all onthey would continue to fail, and I would continue to hurt.
Thank you for sharing this. I am currently going through a breakup and this was the factor why it ended for us. Trying to support a partner into making the right decisions and them not breaking out of patterns that will affect them in a negative way was no longer bearable with the frustrations I ended up with. You try to influence the person to make better decisions for themselves but you are let down time after time. Ofcourse this was not the only reason for our breakup but it was a big factor that contributed to it. It is really hard to let someone go that you love and care about so much, but if change does not come from within it is bound to repeat and eventually fail (in our case). Find strength in yourself and what you feel good about
@@blue0094 you can never force someone to change... to think otherwise is just setting yourself up for failure. I'm sure you've already learned that but I'm just putting it here for others.
I can confirm that there's a dark side of empathy. I was very empathic and experienced the dark side of empathy. Got taken advantage of and eventually lacked in empathy and was burned out. It all came to my conclusion that it was my fault and I have to be the one to clean up my own mess, no matter the size.
At the very least like the video says if you can regain confidence and recognize how much your capacity is at and are better at communicating boundaries you can tap back into being empathetic without feeling or fearing it will backfire on you like it used to. Was the best thing to relearn to do especially with how Id rather not put people through some of the trauma that used to condition me to act in such an aloof cold manner when deep down I was just a bit hesitant to put myself out there.
My grandpa had a saying he used to say all the time. “People gonna treat you the way you allow them too, So the way you get treated is how you want to be”.
I think I heard that in the military they actually train guys to punch who they're rescuing if they refuse to calm the f down and accept being rescued. It's better to lose one solider than two.
(The most empathetic people are often those who had the least help, love or care growing up), I've heard you or someone say this before. And they are also subsequently the most burnt out people, you have said it here. I couldn't agree more...
I’m highly empathic, I used to spend most of my childhood trying to “fix” my friends problems and becoming everyone’s confidant. The people I lived with during uni massively impacted my mental health with their life events. I thought I was abnormal until listening to this. I’ve struggled with mental health over the years. I’m now in a toxic work environment where people’s day to day stress and micro aggressions really affect my happiness. I have enough childhood trauma of my own with my mum killing herself when I was 16 yet my nature means I take on everyone else’s despite being exhausted.
@@almightybeanchildI find that so hard. How do you cope with the feelings of rejection and any backlash. Also I find it hard not to get jnvolved with people’s emotional energy. How do you isolate yourself from that? Any tips very welcome
@@douglassmith215 it's something you practice. Boundaries, saying no. At some point it will all feel like second nature and don't internalise other people's feelings.
I endured a 6 year abusive relationship from ages 16 to 22 due to my belief that my partner needed me/help. Growing up in an abusive environment I was taught to forgive mistreatment because of occasional expressions of love. I eventually realized that empathy shouldn't come at the expense of my well being. Im still kind but now I maintain boundaries and refuse to enable abuse towards myself.
I've been taken advantage of for being empathetic with a friend. When they were emotionally dysregulated after being dumped, I co-regulated them and provided emotional support. However, when I needed support, they gave me unsolicited advice and then dismissed me with, "I'm not responsible for your problem. I gave you all the tools. Don't you have anyone else to talk to?" I was shocked by their response and said, "I understand if you don't have the bandwidth to support me, but don't you remember I supported you when you needed it?" They replied, "Well, I don't ask you for support anymore, do I?" That's when I realized it was time to draw the line in the sand and move on.
Yeah I experienced this recently with my sister. I supported her and regulated her for a year. When I had a situation that I needed to be supported by her she wasn’t available. I was slightly shocked. Truth is people show you who they are. It’s up to us to recognize this.
while i understand your point, his sentence "I'm not responsible for your problem. I gave you all the tools." does make sense. it is not his responsibility. and it was not your responsibility to be there for him. you CAN do that. its optional. you can listen and spend a day and give good advice. then its on the other person to dig themselves out, it is NOT on you. your mistake was that you made a "hidden contract". sorry to say but thats typical nice guy behaviour. it goes like "i do something for you, and then you do something for me in the future" while never speaking it out and making the other person aware of that contract, you just assume that it applies. the other person, if he heard it, maybe wouldnt even agree and say "i`ll do without your help then, thanks". helping someone and then be done with it and expecting nothing in return is something else entirely. hidden contracts do not work. its the same with "i fix that girls car or computer, then surely she will reciprocate romantically". thats also a hidden contract, and we all know how that goes.
@@raze956I think that’s partially true for this scenario, but the “unsolicited advice” part suggests that the other person wasn’t really attuned to OP’s feelings in the first place. It sounds more like tossing a few bones and then saying “now it’s your problem.” It would be different if the friend had just said upfront “I’m not in a place to give you the support you need.” But it sounds like they “helped” and then blamed OP for not feeling helped. Unless details are being left out….
@@raze956 agree with the responsibility part, i dont think anyone on this channel would argue that, but this is absolutely NOT nice guy behavior. There is very much a difference between romantical interest and simple helping one another. As there is a difference between helping by fixing a car and helping by being emotionally available when someone has a rough time and needs someone to talk to. These things are not equivalent. If i help a collegue fix their radio i dont expect them to listen to my traumadumping. But i would 100% expect them to lend me a hand when i need to move some furniture in the office. What you are advocating for here is accepting a one-sided relationship and "sorry to say but thats typical nice guy behaviour" almost reads like gaslighting for me. No, expecting emotional availability for being emotionally available in return in my opinion is perfectly normal and human.
@@joeycfitc2833 Sorry you experienced it... esp with a family member, that must have hurt. I hope radical acceptance will free yourself from the impact it had on you.
Attention gamers: I don’t game.… Ever. But I enjoy watching you all play. I am 75 years old, and I love this man! You people have your whole life in front of you. Listen to him. His advice is sound. And even at this age I am learning from him. Had he been around when I was your age, my life would’ve been so so so much less confusing, OMG, and my 40 years of marriage would’ve been easier to navigate. Best wishes and hugs to each and everyone of you. ❤
@@ottootteist Sending you hugs. We all need them, wherever we may be in this world. 🥰 Please take care of yourself. And thank you for your reply. ☺️ Best wishes.
@@thegodfatheram Bless you, wherever you may be. Life is good, but so tough. Just stick it out, and listen to this Doc. His words are gold. Thank you for your reply. Sending you hugs. Hoping you have a good day. ❤️
18:30 I always thought it was my superpower as a guy. A lot of words are written to help men understand female 'signals', meanwhile it's like I can read minds and I know when my date is enjoying herself, or it's going badly, or she's having a bad day, or what. I am the king of making people at ease. But the result is that I now suffer from isolation and loneliness because it feels everybody else is selfish, blind and tend to lie a LOT about their emotions. Yeah empathy is a nightmare.
Then we would be perfect for each other. I isolate too, because I dont know how to not feel people. So we could be together and never had to talk,just look at each other and know what the other want.😏
Thank you for discussing this. Sociopaths get all the attention bc their condition can hurt other ppl. Ppl on the other end of the empathy spectrum get no attention bc their condition can only hurt themselves. It deserves attention and help. Thanks for addressing it.
I hadn't EVER thought about this. I have definitely been damaged by the dark side of empathy. I have had SO many friends who are deeply traumatized or suffering from a range of disorders, and I always thought "why do I feel so fucked up and broken if I didn't really have much trauma growing up?" but now that you mention this, i realize it was probably the fact I always interacted with edgy teenagers online instead of real life friends that made me develop all these problems.
holy shit. I've known about the dark sides of empathy but I never would've connected it to that phenomenon I've observed in myself that I feel so fucked up even though I went through much less than the people around me (I've been lucky to be around very kind people but I still absorbed their traumas and compared mine to it). thank you for sharing this
It's all about setting boundaries with people over anything. There are some very needy people out there who will always take advantage of whether they originally intended to or not.
I had both, and myself, who is very emotionally needy, but the people I tend to meet, seem to be less emotionally available... then there's people who seem kind who I don't want to give a chance, because I just don't click with them, it's so very confusing and it needs some form of psychological help, I think
I’m not smart enough to be sociopathic. I’m kind because I yearn for the same kindness given back to me. 9/10 times I am faced with coldness. But that one time I get kindness back, it’s worth it. I can’t be taught how to be an a**hole. I will always be a loving and kind person. And that is why I choose to be alone. It’s a lonely life but no one around to take advantage of me or use me. I didn’t choose these circumstances for myself but I must always be grateful for what I have and where I come from.
It's when we have emotional contagion, get enmeshed, merged, and fused with their suffering that we get into a quagmire of trouble. As Dr. K said, "You don't have to feel what they feel in order to be kind. Let them stay over there, and you can exhibit kindness towards them without becoming one with them. You want to be responsible for helping them, but don't be responsible for their problems."
@@v9b23j exactly! Not being dependant on the outcome being a certain way if you offer help or advice and they don't take it. Believing that they have their own inner guidance system. There's a study that was done on "self-fulfilling prophecy" in which teachers were told some students were smart/good and others were not and it effected how the children did! It's the same with adults. Rather than being disappointed every time someone is struggling think of it more as a young toddler first learning to walk. They're gonna fall down a few times, but you still believe that they will figure it out. Or you offer a steady hand. Maybe even offer them something to hang on to for support while they figure it out. But if you get disappointed everytime they fall, then of course you're going to get burned out very quickly. 😂
They just wanted to leached on you, dumped you when you stop giving them what they wanted, they deserved to be alone and miserable, this is what I've learned.
@@yoyoky6426 It's interesting right as humans we consider sympathy as a positive trait but I think empathy is a more appropriate trait and then when you truly empathize you may understand who they really and realize they were trying to use you
@@Taayjus you are right! Thanks to them now I know how to spot and handle them , I set boundaries, if they r not happy just leave, don't try to play with my mind, i could see it through.
I have a real-world scenario of vicarious trauma from two days ago. I work as a whitewater raft guide and we had a boat dump. Four people got pinned to trees, one of them being a twelve year old boy. I was the first guide at the spot to pull them out. The boy was so scared. Terrified. He cried after I got him out. Everyone ended up being ok and we finished the trip. All of my coworkers and people on the trip went back to enjoying themselves and joking around almost immediately. I was a ghost for the rest of the day until I was able to cry about it. It’s strange because the second I was on the scene I knew with almost certainty that everyone was going to be ok, but I was truly shaken by the whole thing because of the fear the boy showed. I remember thinking about how this could affect him and make him potentially fear a multitude of things. I haven’t finished the video yet, but I think the point is that feeling what we perceive other people’s experience to be can be very taxing
This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me into trouble, I don't often have the ability to help make the situation be safe again for other people, but I have the 'ability' to feel uncomfortable from everyone's perspective and pretend every horrible thing happened to me personally and go home feeling really unsafe for no reason, not knowing what to do about it, or how to help anyone. 😅 I admire that you were able to help those people, and to be able to process that empathy later is also impressive 👏 did you actually feel better after that, or does it still bother you sometimes? I worry that I can never fully get those weird experiences out unless I 'forget' they happened. I am always shocked at other people being able to move on quickly without having to do some distraction/dissociation- it felt like everyone was lying/blocking their feelings out and that's what I had to do. Come to realize later that people around me weren't even feeling all of those things from other people and had nothing to disassociate with 🤷♂️
@@meagancrowley5197 Thanks for the kind words, I’ve moved on from the situation. Spending that night to fully experience the emotion was what I needed. What you realized about ‘others not feeling those things’ is something that has helped me. I recognize that I have stronger emotions and feel almost all experiences more intensely than others. I remind myself this often because I’m prone to slipping into a what’s wrong with me mindset because I’m so fundamentally different. Nothing is wrong with feeling and caring deeply and sometime in the future, if not now, it will be the basis for fulfilling relationships. Also, speaking to waiting to forget about the things that are weighing on you- I use self care and deliberate positive self talk to ‘recover’ from the things of that sort that are on my mind. I think sensitivity is beautiful, even when it’s quiet and nervous because it comes from the right place. Hope this finds you well!
You definitely were emotionally vulnerable enough to let yourself be in the shoes of the kid. I understand that. It can be terrifying. It is hard though to stand back and feel sympathetic towards someone without letting yourself feel their pain when it comes so easily to you. I hope you can guard yourself emotionally to not get so easily sucked into someone else's trauma. While I'm writing this, I'm also feeling unkind and guilty thinking but what if that makes me cold and unkind to myself.... And I know that's wrong to be thinking this way
I feel like your scenario might also be a kind of shock from being in the situation. You didn't just hear someone talk about it, you were there in the moment and you needed to take action and save someone. When your adrenaline wears off your body is tired and zoned out, I have this too. Only after a while or when you get to a safe space (home, a room alone, a moment to take a break) your brain starts processing what happened. I hope you're doing better now ❤
Spot on. I'm consistently over analyzing, consistently parroting other people's behaviors and desires, consistently thinking what I can do for the people I care about that will benefit them. It puts me behind on my own self. I can't shut it off.. or it's very hard. It is so deeply rooted inside of me that not absorbing emotions from others feels so wrong. The only time I can turn it off is when I disassociate myself from those people, which makes me seem terrible to them. Being compassionate is difficult to achieve because my emotions run so extremely high. It is a double edged sword.
2:09 that's literally me. Someone being sad, and crying makes me feel exactly the same. If they are going through trauma, it's like I'm somehow going through it too because of how much I try to put myself in their place
It took me a long time to figure out that "empathy" doesn't mean putting up with people's crap. Of course, it doesn't help when the authority figures in your life (primary caretakers, teachers and bosses) take advantage of your desire to "do the right thing" and subtly condition you to feel like you have to keep over-performing and pleasing them, out of some obligation to keep doing the "right" thing. I can't blame them for absolutely everything that went wrong, but their behavior - and their ability to take control as they had power over my situation - definitely played a part.
I like to think of mettha or lovingkindness. And that means having lovingkindness for others but also for yourself, and that's where we're able to find the reason for keeping balance.
Nowadays people show their empathy selectively not for all beings. That is we call them Selectivist not Activist Chapter 3, Verse 25: "As the ignorant act from attachment to their work, so should the wise act without attachment, desiring the welfare of the world." Acting selflessly for the welfare of the world implies that compassionate actions should be directed towards all beings, not just a select few.
Yep I’m just finishing my swrk degree and pretty much they just said make sure you actively plan self care to prevent burnout. But even during my internship it was stressful bc at the start of each day there was the potential to be an emotion filled day. Have any tips for this?
This was phenomenal, thanks for sharing! Sincerely, the kid who used to get the “caring” and “compassion” character trait awards at school and went on to get degrees in psychology and Human development, subsequently volunteered with adults with severe mental disabilities and had to leave that, began work in HR, and subsequently burned out, HARD, during Covid. Thank you for this perspective.
i have exactly that, my therapist argued with me that my high amount of empathy is a blessing while I try to explain it is a curse that ruins my life. Got taken adventage again and again, burnt out so often recovered and then repeat. just one week ago i escaped a toxic relationship that went over a year, in which i got betrayed and cheated on. it really sucks
Nowadays people show their empathy selectively not for all beings. That is we call them Selectivist not Activist Chapter 3, Verse 25: "As the ignorant act from attachment to their work, so should the wise act without attachment, desiring the welfare of the world." Acting selflessly for the welfare of the world implies that compassionate actions should be directed towards all beings, not just a select few.
My therapist says that givers attract takers. I'm done with it. I'm treating myself with the empathy I show others. Funny how many ppl drift away when you don't bemd over backwards for them
Why not improve your boundaries then? I think is a blessing the to have- not many have this skill-it’s a skill that hard to learn, but everything has its cons. I deeply care for people, but I know when to get away from the person, and I know when to express the feelings I am having; I make sure to not get manipulated.
This in a nutshell sums up why I stayed with my ex for so long. Constantly putting myself in his shoes, and forgiving his inability to do the same for me, because of the tough circumstances he was facing. The internal conflict between wanting to 'live my values' of compassion and forgiveness while also wanting to set boundaries that he couldn't respect. The internal conflict was intense. Result: burnout. But it was worth it to me to at least try.
I learned this at customer service work. We were all the time told that we have to be empathic, while no one was empathic to us, it drained me so much, that I consciously decided to cut off my empathy to protect my self.
Being empathic is so beautiful. I never get distressed nor tired from using my gifts. I always love to say that I’m just getting started. It’s so wonderful when the right woman comes along or even man into your life that wakes this inner being up even more is the most beautiful thing in the world i’m just so forever thankful to know myself I am always turned on by my mental abilities that gives me such emotional break throughs to help not just myself but others who desire to want to feel helped
The way he speaks, gives information… It’s just wonderful. He knows his onions and I can’t help but wonder if I will be able to love my job as hard as Dr K does..
I feel so called out by this whole video. I've been telling the girl I am dating, that in the last few weeks many diffrent people told me that I am too good for the world. And I was borthered by it. Cause why should kindness be a bad thing? How can someone be too good? From this perspective it makes sense... every example works out. I have known that my relationships will end weeks before the break up and I have been sad about it, tryed to fix, tryed to talk to them and ended up helpless with getting broken up with. But they aleays still wanted me in their lifes... It always felt like "I just want your care and no responsability for your feelings." Lucky I've seen the double standards and how they ruine me, so I broke contact my self. But still... This hurts to know. It hurts rly bad. I am so thankful for the tipps at the end: More selfrespect and compassion instead of empathy.
I had a very similar experience with an ex recently. He broke it off but then keeps reaching out to me to talk because he “still loves me.” But I know that all he wants is the emotional support without the strings attached. It’s really difficult to swallow that and set those boundaries for distancing away from that environment, so I really respect you for your response to that situation.
Please please make more videos on emotional contagion and resolving internal conflict with empathy. This is exactly what I’m working on in therapy right now!
I think emapthy is never a bad thing, but one needs to have empathy with a good sense of wisdom (knowing when and where to apply empathy and knowing when to stop and accept situations that can be beyond our control). If wisdom is lacking then yes empathy becomes a burn out.
I know this is cringe but... Denji from chainsaw man is actually a pretty good example for someone who is too sympathetic. His "Mind Blindness" and clueless optimism actually helps characters move on from being depressed. And he always says when he thinks he is being treated like shit.
Hearing this is so very validating. I was always praised for my empathy, and told that it makes me a better person. But in my perspective, empathy does not inherently make someone a better person. It personally made me emotionally unstable/unavailable. My emotions were always on a roller coaster and I’d have to self regulate so much that there wasn’t any energy left to actually be present for that person. Or even worse, feeling so guilty for not being able to handle someone’s emotional distress that I end up invalidating their experience (to myself) and judging them. This is so important for everyone to learn about! Will work on developing confidence and not allowing every emotion I feel control me.
I often find that when I'm talking with strangers, I'm more or less what I would appropriately deem as 'Myself' but when I talk to people I care about, It's as if I try my hardest to be this almost perfect person who cares about them and understands them and who wants them to like me in return. And I'm fully conscious of this, as I clearly just explained, but I feel in a default setting to continue this and not just stop and suddenly change the full course of action - AKA: Hey man, I like you, but I can't be there for you all the time.
Oh I see myself 😅 For me it's like I wanna be the perfect friend for my people bc I didn't have those in my past and I don't want them to experience the same sad situation. We want to protect everyone from the pain we felt🥲
@@flowerpower2384oh I feel this in my soul, and it's the worst, because then you end up being hurt by those people's "thoughtlessness" but you know they don't mean it, they just don't know any better! Ughhh I resolved to show myself as authentically as possible as a way to counteract that effect. Still working on the execution though. Hope you find a way out of that as well!
@@flowerpower2384 and that's the worst part of being empathetic, being aware of how complex this is and knowing this is WAY above your paygrade, and it's frustrating how little any of us seems to be able to make an impact that produces some kind of change... Oh well, I just try not to fall too much into the dark side, what else can I do? 😣
This is so important. I was overly empathic due to my traumatic upbringing and background. I did everything i could to be that person to help the partner in every level I could. Not even sure what was true and what was a lie. She was a pathological liar. We ended up trauma bonded, and the partner got darker as time went on. Got taken advantage in this long-term relationship and ended up severely manipulated, controlled and lost sense of self. Mirrored my needs and wants so stealthily and masterfully. Tried to isolate me from everyone i knew and did the typical narcissistic dance of confusion. Everything was my fault. Kept changing what happened to make the memories all muddled. Would take personal and initimate information and use it against me down the road. Would hold off from resolving conflict to use it as a weapon down the road. Would passive aggressively just pretend nothing was wrong to be able to use it for manipulation. Took over two years to recover. Be careful with who you share yourself with. The mask cracks, but it can take time. Give people time before you commit. Choose your friends, partner and family. You can love someone from a far! Nobody deserves your attention, love and empathy by default. It has to be earned.
This is timely because I'm actively feeling that switch flip within myself after my most recent incident of being screwed over. I am convinced now that "no good deed goes unpunished" really does mean NO good deed.
It’s not that easy. You gotta be careful. Once you begin to stand your ground, those without empathy who are used to the benefits can turn around and convince you that you’re a bad person now. That is paralyzing for an empath. It’s hard to get back going after that without resorting to a comfortable safe space of people pleasing unless they want to shut down completely.
Wow. This explains SO much of my many negative experiences and relationships in life. As a single mom to a young empath who has also gone through some tough stuff, I am chronically burnt out. I take on the emotional burden, not just of my own experiences, but my child's as well. I am so proud of her for being so kind, and I'm trying to raise her in a way that her empathy, compassion, and kindness is a blessing and not a curse. So far she's been doing great and has been very resilient and understands boundaries.
He explained my problem with internal conflict perfectly. I a couple months ago I've ended a nearly life long conflict with my brothers by giving them letters filled with resentment and forgiveness. I had individual conversations with them a couple weeks later and we were able to resolve everything and renew our relationship as brothers.
I was basically born with the affectionate empathy and since a little kid, i tried to understand people so i could make them feel better, so i would feel better, so i developed the cognitive one. This got to the point where i literally don't care about my self if the question is about me and another person, i will, without thinking much about it, give my happiness so they can be happy, because this is how I feel happy. After expecting too much from others, expecting they would understand me like i understand them, do what i did, i felt like i was betrayed and with this, lost all the ones i considered friends just because my definition of "Friend" changed completely. Now i have just one single person that i can count on and I can't make new friends because in my head, what it takes to be a friend is too much and it feels like it's not worth it in the end. So yeah, my life sucks right now but I'm ok
The gaping hole where my own desires once were, has seen me carve up pieces of myself and hand them out without ever even THINKING about a slice for myself. I don't feel anything but urgency anymore, and I am trying so hard just to find myself in something I had only made for other people.
That actually makes alot of sense... I would say I am probably one of the most empathic men out there But the things that he listed will burn you out like being in a caring profession, relationship, friends... I noticed me distancing myself more and more from social interaction the older I got. I couldn't imagine working as a caring profession as a really empathic person.
I have a lot of empathy, and I noticed that that was being damaging to my mental health as I exposed myself to world news and such. Now, I’ve cut that out. I still have a few reputable sources that I’ve subbed to for when I want to try this again, but I mainly ignore them rn. Any time I catch myself getting riled up, I pause and check if I really need to be watching that video right this second. Those Reddit tts are absolute poison, the instant I hear one of them bots I dislike and block the channel. Actually, watching this video made me realize that I’ve developed this skill, and it has directly improved my life. And now that I have proof I can develop these skills, I’m excited to see what other, less direct things I can develop!
I could have used this a few months ago, I'm honestly not even sure how I ended up deciding that I cared about myself more than a person I was destroying myself for
For me it was pretty straight forward. The person was spiraling out of control shedding, friends left and right, super stressed all the time, and dragging me down witj her. So, I thought we can both go down, or I can let go so one of us can survive. I've tried everything I can do and nothing worked. And I'm fine with out them. So . ✂️
Dr. K please read this. I always watch your videos and love how informative and relatable they are. They have helped me in a lot of ways to find those toxic people around me and some professional ways to deal with them since I am 18 now and don't have money on my own to go to the therapy and my family doesn't just accept the fact that a lot of broken things between us needs to be fixed... I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the help and support. ❤❤🙂
Thank you this is just what i needed today. An immediate family member i love very much is suffering from the aftermath of falling into addiction to hard drugs, and suffering sever depression and amxiety. Ghey are staying at my home atm and ita very difficult to be around them. Theyre extremely negative, volitile emotions, rude, and wont function like a typical person in todays society at the most basic levels. While i would love to help and have done what i can, im coming to terms with the fact that this person has had many chances to get their life back on track and simply isnt ready to for whatever reason, so to protect my wellbeing and health emotionally i may need to have them leave my home. I dont know what theyll do after that. Its very hard. But its wearing me down to be dealing with this too.
Being too empathic has ruined my relationship. There were other factors. But empathy for others rebounded and hurt my partner. Was the final straw...working on myself and trying to be more self concious of my actions and thoughts. Be aware.
Yes. Thank you for explaining this in a way more people can understand. I'm a highly sensitive person and I just recently accepted the label because I was always made to believe being sensitive was a frowned upon social thing. But the amount of empathy I've put in... even to people who hurt me, the amount of times I've been taken advantage of and on varying levels... it's not something I've been able to recognize until I'm spent and can't function so basic autopilot kicks in.... I don't know how to limit access...and I'm trying to solidify boundaries as a thing in my life. I was cheated on and found out 2yrs in, started a family, partner became distant and I sensed the change. I tried to work on things and he didn't want to talk about things. I worked through so many things by myself and I was mentally exhausted. The more I tried the more he avoided me. I broke down. So I feel seen. And I hope this clicks for a lot of people.
I tried to help my suicidal friend who acted as if hes about to do it. But he didn't care about himself and anyone else(he had a lot ot problems), and reacted very violently to my attemps at help, i cried regularly in result. After about three month of this, i felt so bad i shut down and fell into depression myself. The fun part is that friend got better by himself and didn't even notice they hurt me. I am afraid it ruined me a bit, i to this day a year later am shivering uncontrolably when thinking of some worst occasions. I am still empathetic to others(i hope), but this video is just me, and i have no words how much pity i feel for myself and everyone involved in such things, its just f up.
I've been in a situation with a really abusive friend once. Similar situation, he was suicidal, depressed, and I felt in my heart that it was my duty to do all I could to help him, literally all that was in my power at the time. Welcomed him to my house, did all I could to help him see the world through more hopeful lenses, heard all he had to say. The result? When I was uncomfortable in a party (I wasn't digging it, but I told him to enjoy it, and he kept pestering me that he wouldn't unless I did), eventually, the dude started freaking out, saying I was ruining it for him, and ended up assaulting me, and though I actually had martial arts experience, I didn't hit him back. I held him in a headlock until he promised to stop and then let him go. There was a long train ride back home where he kept saying how much he hated the world, hated everyone, how much he wanted to die, that nobody deserved to live, and how I was guilty for making him feel like this. In hindsight, dude was like a walking nuclear bomb, and I shouldn't have expected a very different outcome, haha. Narcisistic, had literally threatened a boyfriend of his with a knife, had been diagnosed with BPD. He really was trying hard to make me as broken as him, and until that point he was kind of playing me like a fiddle. I was indeed broken at that point, emotionally. I went to my mom, and she offered me words of wisdom that I'll never forget: "You know that kindness you were able to offer him? You deserve it for yourself" Shortly after, unsurprisingly, he sent me a text message, apologizing. Saying that he wanted to talk, that he liked me, that I was a good friend. I just replied "too late" and blocked him forever. I didn't care at all about whatever he did next. That was his responsibility. Maaaaaaaaaaaan, it felt so amazing. It was quite cathartic to let go, to forget him. All that weight I had been carrying, gone. And for once, it didn't feel mean in the slightest to do so! I was just redirecting that love and care towards myself. And now, though it should have been something traumatizing, I just feel grateful that he was able to teach me where my limits should be in helping others. I'm still that same empathetic dude as always, but I'm never gonna be used like that again. I'm telling you this because it sucks that you had to go through this, man. But hopefully, my mom's words of wisdom can offer a bit of solace to someone who suffered in a similar fashion. You're capable of being supportive, kind and empathetic. So do it to yourself, you're far from ruined! You're actually much wiser for having lived through something that taught you more about yourself. The only way to acquire wisdom is to live your life, no books or movies can do that for you. And living life unfortunately includes the shitty parts, too.
Brilliantly said. There's ancient stoic wisdom there, by focusing on what you can actually control, you will build a better outcome at the end of the day. And we can never control others, we let them control us when we try to. Even if we're trying to help them. It is as you said, it's neither to his merit, nor to his demerit. It's silly to be angry at the raindrops when we get wet from the rain.
It’s a gift if we can use it in a healthy way- education , making changes and assisting by giving without depleting- indeed watching people being starved to death, child abuse & trafficking is Real- to be willfully ignorant isn’t a solution. Healthy boundaries and vigilance with self care is essential
vicarious trauma and emotional contagion literally ruined one of my relationships. i could never be there for him, because I'd take on his feelings, his traumas, and then start panicking and crying and get upset myself. having them tell me that "I needed to stop breaking down for other people, they can do it themselves" was so confusing, frustrating, upsetting, and just something i didn't even know how to unpack. i still can't truly process it. that's just how I relate to people and help them. i thought it was perfectly normal, and that I was great for being so good at it, and now someone's telling me that it's a problem and it's getting in the way of the relationship.
Both sides can be true. If you feel the emotions so intensely you start to feel panick that's not healthy for you (and I mean this with kindness!). But, you being able to relate to someone, cry with them and feel emotions is NEVER a bad thing! It means you are human and you care for others. Past relationships can stick in your mind but its okay to take a step back and realize the situation/remark wasn't good and you can't change it. It helped me in letting a lot of negative things go from a previous abusive relationship. I hope you found someone who shares with you and appericiates you ❤
I'm a giver, and have been ever since I was young. My toys would be broken, my ideas would be stolen, and my friends would be taken. I still love to give but now I'm so scared of being used I try my best to suppress that. Being a giver hurts often, but do remember where your happiness lies. Give to people who give back. Even if you're not an empathetic person watching this video, just listening, sharing, and trying to help can make a big difference. Do try to be the change you wish to observe. I still am a giver but don't give away aimlessly to anyone anymore. It's sad I turned colder as I grew up, but it makes me feel much more secure, although extremely hollow. Any givers out here who experienced this and came over it, please share your thoughts.
This is the reason I left the HGG discord + reddit. There were more negatives, as a result of the trauma dump circlejerking, than benefits to be gained by members. Attracting mostly those looking for a doomer echo-chamber instead of those ready or looking for support to make actionable changes in their lives.
@@MuffFlux I think this is the problem with every kind of self-help or support group subreddit (or similar). Eventually the people that have moved on leave, and so the community over time is dominated by those who are incapable of growth, bitter, and angry. Incels are the most obvious example.
Never got sucked into a situations beyond my temperament. And, armed with Buddhistic loving-kindness and compassion I freely sail all waters. Some advice- be aware that you are always teaching people how to treat you.
Thank you for covering this topic 🙏🏽 it certainly makes me feel validated in a world where no one in my circle really understands why I am so desperate to quit working in heathcare. The burnout, compassion fatigue, all the anxiety are not worth it
As someone who has been recently started to feel incredible amounts of empathy, and the benefits that come with it, but also the added struggles, this came exactly at the right moment. The constant serotonin high is somewhat offset by feeling lost when you can't always help everyone with your limited human capabilities.
19:00 - you are very right here about how a empath has a higher chance of ruining a new relationship. But I believe this is more due to avoidant attachment, since they absolutely do not like drama or outside help. They take your help as a competition and then see you as a threat, instead of them seeing your desire just to help them achieve their goals. Constantly putting someone in the spot light when they aren’t in a great mindset makes them put walls up! The opposite with an anxious attachment, can have the exact opposite effect, where they will become attached to your empathy and will become co-dependent. They call it being “clingy”.
These videos have been so conveniently timed. I’ve been helping a friend who recently got broken up with and though I’ve been helping her feel better, I’m starting to notice that she only wants me around when it’s convenient or I can help her, like with a ride home. It makes me kinda sick to think she would use me like that, but I plan to bring it up before I stop helping her altogether. Definitely a bummer but it’s a step toward better respecting myself.
Thankful to God I learned this a couple years ago. I was sinking low mentally with so much grief. Even now I’m healing from the physical effects of stress on my body. I thought I was going to have stroke. I intentionally avoid many podcasts. I also was a teacher and I loved the kids. I just couldn’t take care of myself physically. Learning boundaries was truly a gift from God. People kept giving me hints i was doing too much. I finally accepted it and found out I was being taken advantage of. I got the message and changed course.
I love that you made this video. A few years ago, I started telling people I wish I didn't have this much empty because it fs up my life. I always got a "nooooo, that's the best part of you, more people should have that." Now I can show them this video.
Wow. I was reflecting on my last few relationships with guys I dated a little while ago and this was the one thing that I know was something that was praised about me, especially because they didn't get that level before, I guess... But it was never a 50/50 exchange. My boundaries weren't always respected, and if I pushed back it was taken as an attack. so I've come to realize how much emotional support I've given my partners at the expense of my own and I'm trying to process this as I am pretty much tired of the social aspects of dating. I feel like I'm officially retired and that's fine. Anyway, this video couldn't come soon enough.
The first 30 seconds got me feeling overwhelmed already 😂 I've been feeling for a while like my empathy is only beneficial to others, but detrimental to myself. I used to have a lot of empathy but after going through some difficult times it seems that it's dried up.. on one hand I'm sad that I don't have the same love for people as I used to, but on the other I'm wondering if this is the healthier way to live...?
I am careful with the people I am close with. When Im close with someone im extremely empathetic. However, the second I notice them trying to take advantage of my empathy, I will become a stone to them. If someone offered me 49-51 I would say no on principle.
A 50/50 split would seem the logical and fair thing to do with money. Anyone offering less than 50%, I would likely say no to on principle. It wouldn't bother me if I lost the money because it would be more important to me that they didn't win it either.
I'd be careful about being too hard lined. If you have a strict 50/50 policy then you and them could have different ideas of who puts in the extra effort based on personal bias. Plus some people need more empathy than others, for example someone who has been genuinely victimised. It could make relationships to be a bit too transactional. Of course it's up to you to figure out what works for you, just a suggestion.
@@frishter great balanced comment. Yes, there is the risk of things becoming too transactional and based on a "scoreboard" of favours which itself is a classic sign of toxic/unhealthy behaviour. It's understandable though as a trauma response, one just needs to be mindful of it and not lean heavily toward it.
@frishter me and a friend broke off bc of her being very transactional and me having a different idea of money sharing. But it's not only money it's deeds too, whenever she did sth good for me I had to immediately repay that kindness. Also she said that she dislikes gifts bc she thinks ppl expect her to give gifts of equal value.
As a man... I have fallen into that trap so many times that I lost count... And with the rise of term "nice guy" it really messes with your brain. Maybe this video is the first step to my recovery. Thank you Dr. K
Ive always clicked away from those videos as I often do on psychological videos on youtube (because mainstream everybody depressed nowadays trends f.e.). But I forgot that I can still learn something from it because I just actively think about a topic.
People in general massively struggle with cognitive empathy, no one seems to understand anyone else's point of view or life experiences. See it all the time. Interesting video!
I am a nurse by profession and I am already in a profession that is about caring for others above the self. On top of that I worry too much about the problems of family and romantic interests. It has thrown me into a depressive episode. I didn't realize my mental health was declining while taking care of everyone else too much.
This exact reason keeps me away from a caring profession. Although, every time I reassess my life I think maybe I would be more fulfilled in a caring role. 🤔
"...learn to set limits, otherwise you will go absolutely insane, and then everyone around you who cares about you can go insane with you." This is my family now in a nutshell. 😅
The social media trauma part is so true. For whatever reason the algorithm shows violent videos all the time. Aggressive people, car accidents, people fall down cliffs and get hurt in all kinds of ways. I block that content every time but it's not helping
@kadrei Stop engaging at all with this content. Don't press like or dislike, don't comment and don't press reject. Instead, search for anything you find pleasant and click like and comment even if just a smiley emoji. After a while you will be shown more and more nice things. Keep engaging with those and soon all the nasty things will diminish to zero.
Being empathic can also find into your life people who can tell you're an empath and they are afraid of you. They will make sure you never have any tiny bit of power(success).You are a potential threat. If they are spiritually developed, they will appreciate you and not be afraid of you., but that's a tiny percentage of people.
This is so true, I want to help people, because I can feel their pain, I want to be there for them.. but at the same time it drains me out emotionally, it’s harder because sometimes people use you when you are trying to be there for them and help them…
You're right but personally, when you find/help the right people it's so worth it, like I just feel so good after helping someone, and even if they used me, I know that if I hadn't helped them, I would have felt bad
The trick is: put your own mask on first. You need self-empathy, too. Only you can know what is too much, and you have a responsibility to yourself (and others) to know what that is.
I felt this video personally XD I'm a ~2m male and often when I'm just trying to help or being kind without any own agenda it more often than not leads to misinterpretation. This was quite confusing for me for a long time. Also I love the message of setting emotional boundaries even with loved ones. This is something a lot of kind people struggle with (especially in health care where I hear and experience this on a regular basis even directed towards me). Keep up the good work!
Not sure if this will be discussed in this video, but studying psychology gives me such great empathy yet also brings me such internal conflict. Studying psychology can mean that you kinda understand almost all behavior(especially the bad). It can make you so nuanced, which is a good thing. At the same time though the line between boundaries and empathy starts to be very vague. If I think a friend or someone I know is giving strange energy- am I being selfish? Am I not being considerate of their potential reasons? Am I seeing things in black and white? Am I not realizing that this is just their communication style? So many guilt-ridden questions come up and it just becomes so vague. Especially if you had/have low self-worth the spectrum of potential reasons of their behavior becomes even bigger
I study psychology as a hobby but still find this very relatable. I can kinda work out why people act the way they are and can’t feel or stay mad at them, sometimes to my expense. There is no excuse to hurtful or rude behavior, I know. I have improved my boundaries but experienced some hurtful things down the road. I will try to be more compassionate instead of being empathetic like Dr K says; not trying to fully understand their struggles but still being there for them. If they have problems, they need to formulate their own solutions and IF they require advice, I might be of help.
People are confusing empathy with enabling. Empathy is allowing a deep connection with a fellow human being. It always energises. Enabling is allowing someone to trample your wellbeing. It always enervates.
I hope you continue to meet people who only bring you happiness and joy and energy to your life. I wish everyone could have that life and those experiences (sincere).
@@Lemoncupcake699 I've always seen enabling as a blindness to the consequences that even kindness can have- many people aren't kind for the sake of being kind, but kind for the sake of what kindness can do for them, and the ripples beyond their point of view are never viewed critically because they don't need to think about things that benefit them. Enabling is a social lubricant to avoid confrontations, leaving those with less tact at the top because they're the ones that dare and everyone else just doesn't care or isn't in the crossfire enough to act on it. But I'm no authority, so I could absolutely be wrong.
When it got to the point of "Internal Conflict," something significant clicked in me. I grew up in a conservative religious environment. It was basically a cult (in the undue influence way). So much of what Dr. K says here about how making someone feel guilt and making them think other people's problems are their own made me realize how such institutions are able to so strongly control their members.
Feels like you’re conflating an extreme case of empathy - the affective kind - with just being empathetic in general (you explain the distinction to compassion later though so that helped). Your point about relationships for example hinges only on the empath being the problem, taking on unhappiness etc. but maybe it’s the other partner who can’t be honest about their desires and takes advantage of the empath. I agree that people should be careful not to overextend in their empathy and draw boundaries - „who is in control“ huge point! Thanks for helping people be more mentally healthy.
if someone takes advantage of you it's because they were able to. in the end you were the one who let them take advantage. if someone can't be honest about their desires or can't provide what you need - have a conversation and fix it or compromise where you're both genuinely happy with the end product - or don't interact/interact less. no one forcing you to stay with someone who does not serve you.
I like your balanced point of view. Every good thing when too much becomes hurtful! I'm very empathetic, have been taken advantage of but I have refused my experience to make me become insensitive. That would be giving too much power to the abusers over my life. I'm just more careful than before, more balanced in my emotions and actions.
@@TheaM.-gr4bo same here, I had to learn the hard way how being overly empathetic can actually cause people to disrespect you and/or take advantage of you. I was seen as the nice guy and got bullied for it as a child and in my early teens. I now know this is because I people pleased and avoided conflict so people would like me, but it backfired massively because I did it to the extent that it seemed like I had zero personality or confidence to other people. Now, I have learned to say no, set boundaries and put myself first. Because you have to help yourself first in order to help others. Since doing all of that, people now respect me sooooo much more. Even girls now find me much more attractive.
I'd rather suffer sometimes than live in a world of psychopaths ! Empathy is a blessing, but with great power comes great responsibility: set boundaries, manage emotions healthily, respect yourself, and recognize when to isolate.
born to be overly understanding, forced to be misunderstood
😭😭😭
Dang
I'm currently during the manual process of becoming less understanding and more focused on myself - the world don't deserve us and is not supporting, so ascending to the better working form is needed, not allowing others to use You is not harmfull. I still try to be somewhat nice, but care way less. Meditating helps.
@@Dolritto You don't need to be less understanding, just don't act on it.
@@SolusAgomorIts a bit of both. Like K said, empathy alone when combined with negative emotions already does a lot with you. If we don't want to be in that situation anytime - but rather be able to choose and protect ourselves when necessary - we got to be less understanding and more with ourselves at times. Doesn't mean abandoning that skill/trait at all, just not doing it to the extreme - which is all the time
Boundaries, baby! That's empathy for yourself.
That’s a great way to put it 😄
YES!!!!!!
Amen
Internal conflict: "how about no"
Absolutely, there needs to be healthy balance of both, I define empathy and boundaries as healthy forms masculinity and femininity, and I think both men and woman and everyone in-between or outside of gender binaries should possess a healthy balance of both qualities.
I've noticed people demand empathy from others, but aren't willing to give empathy to other people.
Entitlement might be a red flag for manipulative people which will probably use that against you. This is the #1 way I check out if I feel dismissed for not "trying".
The people you describe probably don't understand what empathy means (or pretend to not understand) and are looking for someone to use for whatever their goals are. The comment above mine is good advice, it precludes being able to set and enforce boundaries though.
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 Checking out is my way of setting "boundaries" usually, Im not really conditioned to keep trying to win people over. I mainly give my close friends and partner opportunities though on establishing my boundaries before I consider shutting down cause I know it isnt exactly ideal but eh I dont like giving too much benefit of the doubt to strangers.
Classic humans.
@@gatorssbm understandable!
It's sad to live in a world where being kind can be more hurtful :(
there is a difference between empathy and kindness
@apollodavis4090 Well you could get taken advantage of either way...
Understanding human nature is a survival skill
@@apollodavis4090
once empathy was a good trait...but harvard studies make it a vulnerable sort of thing.....
It's sad that its safer not to pet the dangerous animals - but we can still keep their welfare at heart
It’s funny this should come up, I have been getting a lot of anger lately from my increased empathy, the desire to help someone who is failing and watching them make the same mistakes over and over can be maddening. Trying to learn to take a step back and help without taking it all on, it’s a balancing act for sure.
My problem was that was me in a 3 year relationship. And when I would step back and not take it all onthey would continue to fail, and I would continue to hurt.
Thank you for sharing this.
I am currently going through a breakup and this was the factor why it ended for us. Trying to support a partner into making the right decisions and them not breaking out of patterns that will affect them in a negative way was no longer bearable with the frustrations I ended up with. You try to influence the person to make better decisions for themselves but you are let down time after time. Ofcourse this was not the only reason for our breakup but it was a big factor that contributed to it.
It is really hard to let someone go that you love and care about so much, but if change does not come from within it is bound to repeat and eventually fail (in our case).
Find strength in yourself and what you feel good about
You have to have zero expectations
I am going through the same process as you i honestly think avoiding people is the best option
@@blue0094 you can never force someone to change... to think otherwise is just setting yourself up for failure. I'm sure you've already learned that but I'm just putting it here for others.
I can confirm that there's a dark side of empathy. I was very empathic and experienced the dark side of empathy. Got taken advantage of and eventually lacked in empathy and was burned out.
It all came to my conclusion that it was my fault and I have to be the one to clean up my own mess, no matter the size.
I pray that no one else has to go through that.
I got taken advantage of by a narcissist
Same dude, I just keep to myself now.
At the very least like the video says if you can regain confidence and recognize how much your capacity is at and are better at communicating boundaries you can tap back into being empathetic without feeling or fearing it will backfire on you like it used to. Was the best thing to relearn to do especially with how Id rather not put people through some of the trauma that used to condition me to act in such an aloof cold manner when deep down I was just a bit hesitant to put myself out there.
@@gatorssbm that's true. Thanks for the advice
My grandpa had a saying he used to say all the time.
“People gonna treat you the way you allow them too, So the way you get treated is how you want to be”.
No wonder the world is full of a-holes, then.
Except it's not what you really want, the empathy just drawns to act in that way unconsciously.
"Oh no, the life choices other people selected defines who i am!" Ahhh comment
I have a friend who is a pathological liar. The only thing he's ever said that I've taken to heart is "people only do to you what you allow them to."
Even a rescue swimmer has to let go of someone who is clinging too much; namely so as not to drown together (…)
That’s a great analogy for this subject
Great comparison!
- Ana Spanakopita, Bojack Horseman
I think I heard that in the military they actually train guys to punch who they're rescuing if they refuse to calm the f down and accept being rescued. It's better to lose one solider than two.
@@kirbylover37You either calm down or get knocked out or drown.
(The most empathetic people are often those who had the least help, love or care growing up), I've heard you or someone say this before. And they are also subsequently the most burnt out people, you have said it here. I couldn't agree more...
Yep..
No, I don't see this correlation especially in large families where the children are very different.
I’m highly empathic, I used to spend most of my childhood trying to “fix” my friends problems and becoming everyone’s confidant. The people I lived with during uni massively impacted my mental health with their life events. I thought I was abnormal until listening to this. I’ve struggled with mental health over the years. I’m now in a toxic work environment where people’s day to day stress and micro aggressions really affect my happiness. I have enough childhood trauma of my own with my mum killing herself when I was 16 yet my nature means I take on everyone else’s despite being exhausted.
Take care my dude ❤
@@bogdanmacreanu640thank you ❤
@@douglassmith215 stop people pleasing darling
@@almightybeanchildI find that so hard. How do you cope with the feelings of rejection and any backlash. Also I find it hard not to get jnvolved with people’s emotional energy. How do you isolate yourself from that? Any tips very welcome
@@douglassmith215 it's something you practice. Boundaries, saying no. At some point it will all feel like second nature and don't internalise other people's feelings.
I endured a 6 year abusive relationship from ages 16 to 22 due to my belief that my partner needed me/help. Growing up in an abusive environment I was taught to forgive mistreatment because of occasional expressions of love. I eventually realized that empathy shouldn't come at the expense of my well being. Im still kind but now I maintain boundaries and refuse to enable abuse towards myself.
You're doing a great job ❤
You've just described my life
Been in a similar situation myself, I’m glad you got the strength to leave ❤
I’m 55 and have finally realised that to help others at the expense of myself is a betrayal to myself.
my sister is exactly the same as you, hope she realised it sooner.
I've been taken advantage of for being empathetic with a friend. When they were emotionally dysregulated after being dumped, I co-regulated them and provided emotional support. However, when I needed support, they gave me unsolicited advice and then dismissed me with, "I'm not responsible for your problem. I gave you all the tools. Don't you have anyone else to talk to?" I was shocked by their response and said, "I understand if you don't have the bandwidth to support me, but don't you remember I supported you when you needed it?" They replied, "Well, I don't ask you for support anymore, do I?" That's when I realized it was time to draw the line in the sand and move on.
Yeah I experienced this recently with my sister. I supported her and regulated her for a year. When I had a situation that I needed to be supported by her she wasn’t available. I was slightly shocked. Truth is people show you who they are. It’s up to us to recognize this.
while i understand your point, his sentence
"I'm not responsible for your problem. I gave you all the tools."
does make sense. it is not his responsibility. and it was not your responsibility to be there for him. you CAN do that. its optional. you can listen and spend a day and give good advice. then its on the other person to dig themselves out, it is NOT on you.
your mistake was that you made a "hidden contract". sorry to say but thats typical nice guy behaviour. it goes like "i do something for you, and then you do something for me in the future" while never speaking it out and making the other person aware of that contract, you just assume that it applies. the other person, if he heard it, maybe wouldnt even agree and say "i`ll do without your help then, thanks".
helping someone and then be done with it and expecting nothing in return is something else entirely. hidden contracts do not work.
its the same with "i fix that girls car or computer, then surely she will reciprocate romantically". thats also a hidden contract, and we all know how that goes.
@@raze956I think that’s partially true for this scenario, but the “unsolicited advice” part suggests that the other person wasn’t really attuned to OP’s feelings in the first place. It sounds more like tossing a few bones and then saying “now it’s your problem.” It would be different if the friend had just said upfront “I’m not in a place to give you the support you need.” But it sounds like they “helped” and then blamed OP for not feeling helped. Unless details are being left out….
@@raze956 agree with the responsibility part, i dont think anyone on this channel would argue that, but this is absolutely NOT nice guy behavior. There is very much a difference between romantical interest and simple helping one another. As there is a difference between helping by fixing a car and helping by being emotionally available when someone has a rough time and needs someone to talk to. These things are not equivalent.
If i help a collegue fix their radio i dont expect them to listen to my traumadumping. But i would 100% expect them to lend me a hand when i need to move some furniture in the office. What you are advocating for here is accepting a one-sided relationship and "sorry to say but thats typical nice guy behaviour" almost reads like gaslighting for me.
No, expecting emotional availability for being emotionally available in return in my opinion is perfectly normal and human.
@@joeycfitc2833 Sorry you experienced it... esp with a family member, that must have hurt. I hope radical acceptance will free yourself from the impact it had on you.
Attention gamers: I don’t game.… Ever. But I enjoy watching you all play. I am 75 years old, and I love this man! You people have your whole life in front of you. Listen to him. His advice is sound. And even at this age I am learning from him.
Had he been around when I was your age, my life would’ve been so so so much less confusing, OMG, and my 40 years of marriage would’ve been easier to navigate.
Best wishes and hugs to each and everyone of you. ❤
thank u kind person!!
@@ottootteist Sending you hugs. We all need them, wherever we may be in this world. 🥰 Please take care of yourself.
And thank you for your reply. ☺️ Best wishes.
Take care sir, wish you a long healthy and happy life.
@@thegodfatheram Bless you, wherever you may be. Life is good, but so tough. Just stick it out, and listen to this Doc. His words are gold. Thank you for your reply. Sending you hugs. Hoping you have a good day. ❤️
And we thank you good sir. Kind old folks are some of the coolest people around and have so much wisdom to give. 😀
18:30 I always thought it was my superpower as a guy. A lot of words are written to help men understand female 'signals', meanwhile it's like I can read minds and I know when my date is enjoying herself, or it's going badly, or she's having a bad day, or what. I am the king of making people at ease. But the result is that I now suffer from isolation and loneliness because it feels everybody else is selfish, blind and tend to lie a LOT about their emotions. Yeah empathy is a nightmare.
Then we would be perfect for each other. I isolate too, because I dont know how to not feel people. So we could be together and never had to talk,just look at each other and know what the other want.😏
same.. its killing me
Thank you for discussing this. Sociopaths get all the attention bc their condition can hurt other ppl. Ppl on the other end of the empathy spectrum get no attention bc their condition can only hurt themselves. It deserves attention and help. Thanks for addressing it.
"Those who are heartless once cared too much."
-Frank Ocean
he did not say that shit 😂
@@eebbaa5560 Whether or not it originated from him, it is a quote he’s at the very least repeated.
@@eebbaa5560"Who gives a shit?"~Mahadma Ghandi
@@eebbaa5560 lmfao
even if he said that it would be wrong in many cases :/
I hadn't EVER thought about this. I have definitely been damaged by the dark side of empathy. I have had SO many friends who are deeply traumatized or suffering from a range of disorders, and I always thought "why do I feel so fucked up and broken if I didn't really have much trauma growing up?" but now that you mention this, i realize it was probably the fact I always interacted with edgy teenagers online instead of real life friends that made me develop all these problems.
holy shit. I've known about the dark sides of empathy but I never would've connected it to that phenomenon I've observed in myself that I feel so fucked up even though I went through much less than the people around me (I've been lucky to be around very kind people but I still absorbed their traumas and compared mine to it). thank you for sharing this
It's all about setting boundaries with people over anything. There are some very needy people out there who will always take advantage of whether they originally intended to or not.
I had both, and myself, who is very emotionally needy, but the people I tend to meet, seem to be less emotionally available... then there's people who seem kind who I don't want to give a chance, because I just don't click with them, it's so very confusing and it needs some form of psychological help, I think
🫂🫂🫂virtual hugs to my friend...radiating love💗💗💗
I’m not smart enough to be sociopathic. I’m kind because I yearn for the same kindness given back to me. 9/10 times I am faced with coldness. But that one time I get kindness back, it’s worth it. I can’t be taught how to be an a**hole. I will always be a loving and kind person. And that is why I choose to be alone. It’s a lonely life but no one around to take advantage of me or use me. I didn’t choose these circumstances for myself but I must always be grateful for what I have and where I come from.
I'm impressed that you get kindness back.
It's when we have emotional contagion, get enmeshed, merged, and fused with their suffering that we get into a quagmire of trouble. As Dr. K said, "You don't have to feel what they feel in order to be kind. Let them stay over there, and you can exhibit kindness towards them without becoming one with them. You want to be responsible for helping them, but don't be responsible for their problems."
@@v9b23j exactly! Not being dependant on the outcome being a certain way if you offer help or advice and they don't take it. Believing that they have their own inner guidance system. There's a study that was done on "self-fulfilling prophecy" in which teachers were told some students were smart/good and others were not and it effected how the children did! It's the same with adults. Rather than being disappointed every time someone is struggling think of it more as a young toddler first learning to walk. They're gonna fall down a few times, but you still believe that they will figure it out. Or you offer a steady hand. Maybe even offer them something to hang on to for support while they figure it out. But if you get disappointed everytime they fall, then of course you're going to get burned out very quickly. 😂
This is so relatable. Even more dangerous is thinking you empathize but they think completely different
I feel u
Yup!
They just wanted to leached on you, dumped you when you stop giving them what they wanted, they deserved to be alone and miserable, this is what I've learned.
@@yoyoky6426 It's interesting right as humans we consider sympathy as a positive trait but I think empathy is a more appropriate trait and then when you truly empathize you may understand who they really and realize they were trying to use you
@@Taayjus you are right! Thanks to them now I know how to spot and handle them , I set boundaries, if they r not happy just leave, don't try to play with my mind, i could see it through.
I have a real-world scenario of vicarious trauma from two days ago. I work as a whitewater raft guide and we had a boat dump. Four people got pinned to trees, one of them being a twelve year old boy. I was the first guide at the spot to pull them out. The boy was so scared. Terrified. He cried after I got him out. Everyone ended up being ok and we finished the trip. All of my coworkers and people on the trip went back to enjoying themselves and joking around almost immediately. I was a ghost for the rest of the day until I was able to cry about it. It’s strange because the second I was on the scene I knew with almost certainty that everyone was going to be ok, but I was truly shaken by the whole thing because of the fear the boy showed. I remember thinking about how this could affect him and make him potentially fear a multitude of things. I haven’t finished the video yet, but I think the point is that feeling what we perceive other people’s experience to be can be very taxing
This is exactly the kind of thing that gets me into trouble, I don't often have the ability to help make the situation be safe again for other people, but I have the 'ability' to feel uncomfortable from everyone's perspective and pretend every horrible thing happened to me personally and go home feeling really unsafe for no reason, not knowing what to do about it, or how to help anyone. 😅
I admire that you were able to help those people, and to be able to process that empathy later is also impressive 👏 did you actually feel better after that, or does it still bother you sometimes? I worry that I can never fully get those weird experiences out unless I 'forget' they happened.
I am always shocked at other people being able to move on quickly without having to do some distraction/dissociation- it felt like everyone was lying/blocking their feelings out and that's what I had to do.
Come to realize later that people around me weren't even feeling all of those things from other people and had nothing to disassociate with 🤷♂️
@@meagancrowley5197 Thanks for the kind words, I’ve moved on from the situation. Spending that night to fully experience the emotion was what I needed.
What you realized about ‘others not feeling those things’ is something that has helped me. I recognize that I have stronger emotions and feel almost all experiences more intensely than others. I remind myself this often because I’m prone to slipping into a what’s wrong with me mindset because I’m so fundamentally different. Nothing is wrong with feeling and caring deeply and sometime in the future, if not now, it will be the basis for fulfilling relationships.
Also, speaking to waiting to forget about the things that are weighing on you- I use self care and deliberate positive self talk to ‘recover’ from the things of that sort that are on my mind.
I think sensitivity is beautiful, even when it’s quiet and nervous because it comes from the right place.
Hope this finds you well!
You definitely were emotionally vulnerable enough to let yourself be in the shoes of the kid. I understand that. It can be terrifying. It is hard though to stand back and feel sympathetic towards someone without letting yourself feel their pain when it comes so easily to you. I hope you can guard yourself emotionally to not get so easily sucked into someone else's trauma. While I'm writing this, I'm also feeling unkind and guilty thinking but what if that makes me cold and unkind to myself.... And I know that's wrong to be thinking this way
I feel like your scenario might also be a kind of shock from being in the situation. You didn't just hear someone talk about it, you were there in the moment and you needed to take action and save someone. When your adrenaline wears off your body is tired and zoned out, I have this too. Only after a while or when you get to a safe space (home, a room alone, a moment to take a break) your brain starts processing what happened. I hope you're doing better now ❤
Spot on. I'm consistently over analyzing, consistently parroting other people's behaviors and desires, consistently thinking what I can do for the people I care about that will benefit them. It puts me behind on my own self. I can't shut it off.. or it's very hard. It is so deeply rooted inside of me that not absorbing emotions from others feels so wrong. The only time I can turn it off is when I disassociate myself from those people, which makes me seem terrible to them. Being compassionate is difficult to achieve because my emotions run so extremely high. It is a double edged sword.
@@averytokar-jv1vh thank you, holy shit I think you just helped me understand why I stop talking to my family…
2:09 that's literally me. Someone being sad, and crying makes me feel exactly the same. If they are going through trauma, it's like I'm somehow going through it too because of how much I try to put myself in their place
"And everyone around you can go insane with you."
Was such a good closing statement. Dr. K really knows how to talk to his audience.
Reminds me of a Serbian social experiment called "Rhythm 0." Seemingly regular people can become very different when simply given the option to.
It took me a long time to figure out that "empathy" doesn't mean putting up with people's crap. Of course, it doesn't help when the authority figures in your life (primary caretakers, teachers and bosses) take advantage of your desire to "do the right thing" and subtly condition you to feel like you have to keep over-performing and pleasing them, out of some obligation to keep doing the "right" thing. I can't blame them for absolutely everything that went wrong, but their behavior - and their ability to take control as they had power over my situation - definitely played a part.
I like to think of mettha or lovingkindness. And that means having lovingkindness for others but also for yourself, and that's where we're able to find the reason for keeping balance.
As a social worker and a care giver of a parent of a severe mental illness - I can confirm the burnout to be true. Thank you for covering this
Nowadays people show their empathy selectively not for all beings.
That is we call them Selectivist not Activist
Chapter 3, Verse 25:
"As the ignorant act from attachment to their work, so should the wise act without attachment, desiring the welfare of the world."
Acting selflessly for the welfare of the world implies that compassionate actions should be directed towards all beings, not just a select few.
Yep I’m just finishing my swrk degree and pretty much they just said make sure you actively plan self care to prevent burnout. But even during my internship it was stressful bc at the start of each day there was the potential to be an emotion filled day. Have any tips for this?
This was phenomenal, thanks for sharing!
Sincerely, the kid who used to get the “caring” and “compassion” character trait awards at school and went on to get degrees in psychology and Human development, subsequently volunteered with adults with severe mental disabilities and had to leave that, began work in HR, and subsequently burned out, HARD, during Covid.
Thank you for this perspective.
The vicarious trauma is so real for me. I could never explain it to people cause I never had the words for it. Thanks Dr K.
i have exactly that, my therapist argued with me that my high amount of empathy is a blessing while I try to explain it is a curse that ruins my life. Got taken adventage again and again, burnt out so often recovered and then repeat. just one week ago i escaped a toxic relationship that went over a year, in which i got betrayed and cheated on. it really sucks
Nowadays people show their empathy selectively not for all beings.
That is we call them Selectivist not Activist
Chapter 3, Verse 25:
"As the ignorant act from attachment to their work, so should the wise act without attachment, desiring the welfare of the world."
Acting selflessly for the welfare of the world implies that compassionate actions should be directed towards all beings, not just a select few.
My therapist says that givers attract takers. I'm done with it. I'm treating myself with the empathy I show others. Funny how many ppl drift away when you don't bemd over backwards for them
May god help you
@@HussainYasser-qc7pk Nope. You need to help yourself.
Wake up to reality.
Why not improve your boundaries then? I think is a blessing the to have- not many have this skill-it’s a skill that hard to learn, but everything has its cons. I deeply care for people, but I know when to get away from the person, and I know when to express the feelings I am having; I make sure to not get manipulated.
This in a nutshell sums up why I stayed with my ex for so long. Constantly putting myself in his shoes, and forgiving his inability to do the same for me, because of the tough circumstances he was facing. The internal conflict between wanting to 'live my values' of compassion and forgiveness while also wanting to set boundaries that he couldn't respect. The internal conflict was intense. Result: burnout. But it was worth it to me to at least try.
I learned this at customer service work. We were all the time told that we have to be empathic, while no one was empathic to us, it drained me so much, that I consciously decided to cut off my empathy to protect my self.
Being empathic is so beautiful. I never get distressed nor tired from using my gifts. I always love to say that I’m just getting started.
It’s so wonderful when the right woman comes along or even man into your life that wakes this inner being up even more is the most beautiful thing in the world i’m just so forever thankful to know myself I am always turned on by my mental abilities that gives me such emotional break throughs to help not just myself but others who desire to want to feel helped
The way he speaks, gives information… It’s just wonderful. He knows his onions and I can’t help but wonder if I will be able to love my job as hard as Dr K does..
I feel so called out by this whole video. I've been telling the girl I am dating, that in the last few weeks many diffrent people told me that I am too good for the world. And I was borthered by it. Cause why should kindness be a bad thing? How can someone be too good?
From this perspective it makes sense... every example works out. I have known that my relationships will end weeks before the break up and I have been sad about it, tryed to fix, tryed to talk to them and ended up helpless with getting broken up with. But they aleays still wanted me in their lifes... It always felt like "I just want your care and no responsability for your feelings." Lucky I've seen the double standards and how they ruine me, so I broke contact my self. But still... This hurts to know. It hurts rly bad. I am so thankful for the tipps at the end: More selfrespect and compassion instead of empathy.
I can't relate more 😭
people are vicious
I had a very similar experience with an ex recently. He broke it off but then keeps reaching out to me to talk because he “still loves me.” But I know that all he wants is the emotional support without the strings attached. It’s really difficult to swallow that and set those boundaries for distancing away from that environment, so I really respect you for your response to that situation.
Please please make more videos on emotional contagion and resolving internal conflict with empathy. This is exactly what I’m working on in therapy right now!
🫶
I think emapthy is never a bad thing, but one needs to have empathy with a good sense of wisdom (knowing when and where to apply empathy and knowing when to stop and accept situations that can be beyond our control). If wisdom is lacking then yes empathy becomes a burn out.
Also confidence is hugely important in not letting yourself be drained by others
I know this is cringe but... Denji from chainsaw man is actually a pretty good example for someone who is too sympathetic. His "Mind Blindness" and clueless optimism actually helps characters move on from being depressed. And he always says when he thinks he is being treated like shit.
@@Nøah_122-28 denji is abused so much and some people don't understand that half of the things he does are just trauma responses.
Hearing this is so very validating.
I was always praised for my empathy, and told that it makes me a better person. But in my perspective, empathy does not inherently make someone a better person. It personally made me emotionally unstable/unavailable. My emotions were always on a roller coaster and I’d have to self regulate so much that there wasn’t any energy left to actually be present for that person.
Or even worse, feeling so guilty for not being able to handle someone’s emotional distress that I end up invalidating their experience (to myself) and judging them.
This is so important for everyone to learn about! Will work on developing confidence and not allowing every emotion I feel control me.
I often find that when I'm talking with strangers, I'm more or less what I would appropriately deem as 'Myself' but when I talk to people I care about, It's as if I try my hardest to be this almost perfect person who cares about them and understands them and who wants them to like me in return. And I'm fully conscious of this, as I clearly just explained, but I feel in a default setting to continue this and not just stop and suddenly change the full course of action -
AKA: Hey man, I like you, but I can't be there for you all the time.
Oh I see myself 😅 For me it's like I wanna be the perfect friend for my people bc I didn't have those in my past and I don't want them to experience the same sad situation. We want to protect everyone from the pain we felt🥲
This sounds like people pleasing due to fear of negative judgment and rejection. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
@@flowerpower2384oh I feel this in my soul, and it's the worst, because then you end up being hurt by those people's "thoughtlessness" but you know they don't mean it, they just don't know any better! Ughhh
I resolved to show myself as authentically as possible as a way to counteract that effect. Still working on the execution though.
Hope you find a way out of that as well!
@@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617 Oh yeah, I forgot that😅 For me it's all of it in some way. This shit is pretty complex...
@@flowerpower2384 and that's the worst part of being empathetic, being aware of how complex this is and knowing this is WAY above your paygrade, and it's frustrating how little any of us seems to be able to make an impact that produces some kind of change... Oh well, I just try not to fall too much into the dark side, what else can I do? 😣
This is so important. I was overly empathic due to my traumatic upbringing and background. I did everything i could to be that person to help the partner in every level I could. Not even sure what was true and what was a lie. She was a pathological liar. We ended up trauma bonded, and the partner got darker as time went on. Got taken advantage in this long-term relationship and ended up severely manipulated, controlled and lost sense of self. Mirrored my needs and wants so stealthily and masterfully. Tried to isolate me from everyone i knew and did the typical narcissistic dance of confusion. Everything was my fault. Kept changing what happened to make the memories all muddled. Would take personal and initimate information and use it against me down the road. Would hold off from resolving conflict to use it as a weapon down the road. Would passive aggressively just pretend nothing was wrong to be able to use it for manipulation. Took over two years to recover. Be careful with who you share yourself with. The mask cracks, but it can take time. Give people time before you commit. Choose your friends, partner and family. You can love someone from a far! Nobody deserves your attention, love and empathy by default. It has to be earned.
this is why im no longer as empathetic. I have C-PTSD. Been super empathetic my entire life. Got screwed over by other people.
This is timely because I'm actively feeling that switch flip within myself after my most recent incident of being screwed over. I am convinced now that "no good deed goes unpunished" really does mean NO good deed.
Learn to stop people pleasing!
You can't switch it off. You can try to augment it by developing your super ego and sense of self/identity though.
It’s not that easy. You gotta be careful. Once you begin to stand your ground, those without empathy who are used to the benefits can turn around and convince you that you’re a bad person now. That is paralyzing for an empath. It’s hard to get back going after that without resorting to a comfortable safe space of people pleasing unless they want to shut down completely.
Wow. This explains SO much of my many negative experiences and relationships in life. As a single mom to a young empath who has also gone through some tough stuff, I am chronically burnt out. I take on the emotional burden, not just of my own experiences, but my child's as well. I am so proud of her for being so kind, and I'm trying to raise her in a way that her empathy, compassion, and kindness is a blessing and not a curse. So far she's been doing great and has been very resilient and understands boundaries.
He explained my problem with internal conflict perfectly. I a couple months ago I've ended a nearly life long conflict with my brothers by giving them letters filled with resentment and forgiveness. I had individual conversations with them a couple weeks later and we were able to resolve everything and renew our relationship as brothers.
I was basically born with the affectionate empathy and since a little kid, i tried to understand people so i could make them feel better, so i would feel better, so i developed the cognitive one. This got to the point where i literally don't care about my self if the question is about me and another person, i will, without thinking much about it, give my happiness so they can be happy, because this is how I feel happy.
After expecting too much from others, expecting they would understand me like i understand them, do what i did, i felt like i was betrayed and with this, lost all the ones i considered friends just because my definition of "Friend" changed completely.
Now i have just one single person that i can count on and I can't make new friends because in my head, what it takes to be a friend is too much and it feels like it's not worth it in the end.
So yeah, my life sucks right now but I'm ok
I have a feeling I am reaching that point slowly and I want to prevent that from happening but each time I make an effort to do so, I get lonelier
we need emotional maturity..
I feel your pain. ❤
We're living the same life currently
The gaping hole where my own desires once were, has seen me carve up pieces of myself and hand them out without ever even THINKING about a slice for myself. I don't feel anything but urgency anymore, and I am trying so hard just to find myself in something I had only made for other people.
How old are you?
@@kapsi early 20s
@@kapsi come back, I have a feeling you wanted to say something!
That actually makes alot of sense...
I would say I am probably one of the most empathic men out there
But the things that he listed will burn you out like being in a caring profession, relationship, friends... I noticed me distancing myself more and more from social interaction the older I got. I couldn't imagine working as a caring profession as a really empathic person.
I have a lot of empathy, and I noticed that that was being damaging to my mental health as I exposed myself to world news and such.
Now, I’ve cut that out. I still have a few reputable sources that I’ve subbed to for when I want to try this again, but I mainly ignore them rn. Any time I catch myself getting riled up, I pause and check if I really need to be watching that video right this second.
Those Reddit tts are absolute poison, the instant I hear one of them bots I dislike and block the channel.
Actually, watching this video made me realize that I’ve developed this skill, and it has directly improved my life. And now that I have proof I can develop these skills, I’m excited to see what other, less direct things I can develop!
Emotional contagion is a perfect description. Thank you very much for this video.
I used to appreciate being empathic, but it's become sort of toxic .
I could have used this a few months ago, I'm honestly not even sure how I ended up deciding that I cared about myself more than a person I was destroying myself for
For me it was pretty straight forward. The person was spiraling out of control shedding, friends left and right, super stressed all the time, and dragging me down witj her. So, I thought we can both go down, or I can let go so one of us can survive. I've tried everything I can do and nothing worked. And I'm fine with out them. So .
✂️
This video… this is literally, LITERALLY, what I am going through right now.
Wow - I needed to see this. Thank you so much for sharing.
Dr. K please read this. I always watch your videos and love how informative and relatable they are. They have helped me in a lot of ways to find those toxic people around me and some professional ways to deal with them since I am 18 now and don't have money on my own to go to the therapy and my family doesn't just accept the fact that a lot of broken things between us needs to be fixed... I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the help and support. ❤❤🙂
Thank you this is just what i needed today. An immediate family member i love very much is suffering from the aftermath of falling into addiction to hard drugs, and suffering sever depression and amxiety. Ghey are staying at my home atm and ita very difficult to be around them. Theyre extremely negative, volitile emotions, rude, and wont function like a typical person in todays society at the most basic levels. While i would love to help and have done what i can, im coming to terms with the fact that this person has had many chances to get their life back on track and simply isnt ready to for whatever reason, so to protect my wellbeing and health emotionally i may need to have them leave my home. I dont know what theyll do after that. Its very hard. But its wearing me down to be dealing with this too.
Being too empathic has ruined my relationship. There were other factors. But empathy for others rebounded and hurt my partner. Was the final straw...working on myself and trying to be more self concious of my actions and thoughts. Be aware.
Yes. Thank you for explaining this in a way more people can understand. I'm a highly sensitive person and I just recently accepted the label because I was always made to believe being sensitive was a frowned upon social thing.
But the amount of empathy I've put in... even to people who hurt me, the amount of times I've been taken advantage of and on varying levels... it's not something I've been able to recognize until I'm spent and can't function so basic autopilot kicks in....
I don't know how to limit access...and I'm trying to solidify boundaries as a thing in my life. I was cheated on and found out 2yrs in, started a family, partner became distant and I sensed the change. I tried to work on things and he didn't want to talk about things. I worked through so many things by myself and I was mentally exhausted. The more I tried the more he avoided me. I broke down.
So I feel seen. And I hope this clicks for a lot of people.
I tried to help my suicidal friend who acted as if hes about to do it. But he didn't care about himself and anyone else(he had a lot ot problems), and reacted very violently to my attemps at help, i cried regularly in result. After about three month of this, i felt so bad i shut down and fell into depression myself. The fun part is that friend got better by himself and didn't even notice they hurt me. I am afraid it ruined me a bit, i to this day a year later am shivering uncontrolably when thinking of some worst occasions. I am still empathetic to others(i hope), but this video is just me, and i have no words how much pity i feel for myself and everyone involved in such things, its just f up.
You are still empathic, don't worry.
I've been in a situation with a really abusive friend once. Similar situation, he was suicidal, depressed, and I felt in my heart that it was my duty to do all I could to help him, literally all that was in my power at the time. Welcomed him to my house, did all I could to help him see the world through more hopeful lenses, heard all he had to say. The result? When I was uncomfortable in a party (I wasn't digging it, but I told him to enjoy it, and he kept pestering me that he wouldn't unless I did), eventually, the dude started freaking out, saying I was ruining it for him, and ended up assaulting me, and though I actually had martial arts experience, I didn't hit him back. I held him in a headlock until he promised to stop and then let him go. There was a long train ride back home where he kept saying how much he hated the world, hated everyone, how much he wanted to die, that nobody deserved to live, and how I was guilty for making him feel like this. In hindsight, dude was like a walking nuclear bomb, and I shouldn't have expected a very different outcome, haha. Narcisistic, had literally threatened a boyfriend of his with a knife, had been diagnosed with BPD. He really was trying hard to make me as broken as him, and until that point he was kind of playing me like a fiddle.
I was indeed broken at that point, emotionally. I went to my mom, and she offered me words of wisdom that I'll never forget:
"You know that kindness you were able to offer him? You deserve it for yourself"
Shortly after, unsurprisingly, he sent me a text message, apologizing. Saying that he wanted to talk, that he liked me, that I was a good friend. I just replied "too late" and blocked him forever. I didn't care at all about whatever he did next. That was his responsibility.
Maaaaaaaaaaaan, it felt so amazing. It was quite cathartic to let go, to forget him. All that weight I had been carrying, gone. And for once, it didn't feel mean in the slightest to do so! I was just redirecting that love and care towards myself. And now, though it should have been something traumatizing, I just feel grateful that he was able to teach me where my limits should be in helping others. I'm still that same empathetic dude as always, but I'm never gonna be used like that again.
I'm telling you this because it sucks that you had to go through this, man. But hopefully, my mom's words of wisdom can offer a bit of solace to someone who suffered in a similar fashion. You're capable of being supportive, kind and empathetic. So do it to yourself, you're far from ruined! You're actually much wiser for having lived through something that taught you more about yourself. The only way to acquire wisdom is to live your life, no books or movies can do that for you. And living life unfortunately includes the shitty parts, too.
@@mrgenry6055 it's okay you will get better 🤍 just give it time
Brilliantly said. There's ancient stoic wisdom there, by focusing on what you can actually control, you will build a better outcome at the end of the day. And we can never control others, we let them control us when we try to. Even if we're trying to help them.
It is as you said, it's neither to his merit, nor to his demerit. It's silly to be angry at the raindrops when we get wet from the rain.
Well if you did that a second time it's your fault. Why would try to help anybody who dont want your help? That's also egoistic
It’s a gift if we can use it in a healthy way- education , making changes and assisting by giving without depleting- indeed watching people being starved to death, child abuse & trafficking is Real- to be willfully ignorant isn’t a solution. Healthy boundaries and vigilance with self care is essential
vicarious trauma and emotional contagion literally ruined one of my relationships. i could never be there for him, because I'd take on his feelings, his traumas, and then start panicking and crying and get upset myself.
having them tell me that "I needed to stop breaking down for other people, they can do it themselves" was so confusing, frustrating, upsetting, and just something i didn't even know how to unpack. i still can't truly process it.
that's just how I relate to people and help them. i thought it was perfectly normal, and that I was great for being so good at it, and now someone's telling me that it's a problem and it's getting in the way of the relationship.
Both sides can be true. If you feel the emotions so intensely you start to feel panick that's not healthy for you (and I mean this with kindness!). But, you being able to relate to someone, cry with them and feel emotions is NEVER a bad thing! It means you are human and you care for others. Past relationships can stick in your mind but its okay to take a step back and realize the situation/remark wasn't good and you can't change it. It helped me in letting a lot of negative things go from a previous abusive relationship. I hope you found someone who shares with you and appericiates you ❤
I'm a giver, and have been ever since I was young. My toys would be broken, my ideas would be stolen, and my friends would be taken. I still love to give but now I'm so scared of being used I try my best to suppress that.
Being a giver hurts often, but do remember where your happiness lies. Give to people who give back.
Even if you're not an empathetic person watching this video, just listening, sharing, and trying to help can make a big difference. Do try to be the change you wish to observe.
I still am a giver but don't give away aimlessly to anyone anymore. It's sad I turned colder as I grew up, but it makes me feel much more secure, although extremely hollow. Any givers out here who experienced this and came over it, please share your thoughts.
This is the reason I left the HGG discord + reddit. There were more negatives, as a result of the trauma dump circlejerking, than benefits to be gained by members. Attracting mostly those looking for a doomer echo-chamber instead of those ready or looking for support to make actionable changes in their lives.
@@MuffFlux I think this is the problem with every kind of self-help or support group subreddit (or similar). Eventually the people that have moved on leave, and so the community over time is dominated by those who are incapable of growth, bitter, and angry. Incels are the most obvious example.
Never got sucked into a situations beyond my temperament. And, armed with Buddhistic loving-kindness and compassion I freely sail all waters. Some advice- be aware that you are always teaching people how to treat you.
Thank you for covering this topic 🙏🏽 it certainly makes me feel validated in a world where no one in my circle really understands why I am so desperate to quit working in heathcare. The burnout, compassion fatigue, all the anxiety are not worth it
Wow, How can this person describe my life in such detail. This video just blew my mind. Genuinely. Thanks. I needed this.
As someone who has been recently started to feel incredible amounts of empathy, and the benefits that come with it, but also the added struggles, this came exactly at the right moment. The constant serotonin high is somewhat offset by feeling lost when you can't always help everyone with your limited human capabilities.
19:00 - you are very right here about how a empath has a higher chance of ruining a new relationship. But I believe this is more due to avoidant attachment, since they absolutely do not like drama or outside help. They take your help as a competition and then see you as a threat, instead of them seeing your desire just to help them achieve their goals. Constantly putting someone in the spot light when they aren’t in a great mindset makes them put walls up!
The opposite with an anxious attachment, can have the exact opposite effect, where they will become attached to your empathy and will become co-dependent. They call it being “clingy”.
These videos have been so conveniently timed. I’ve been helping a friend who recently got broken up with and though I’ve been helping her feel better, I’m starting to notice that she only wants me around when it’s convenient or I can help her, like with a ride home. It makes me kinda sick to think she would use me like that, but I plan to bring it up before I stop helping her altogether. Definitely a bummer but it’s a step toward better respecting myself.
So you were simping?
@@rexaustin2885 Won't lie, I was. But at least I was able to recognize it and stop.
I need to watch this in bits...each section is soo impactful w such far reaching implications, my brain is imploding!!
Thankful to God I learned this a couple years ago. I was sinking low mentally with so much grief. Even now I’m healing from the physical effects of stress on my body. I thought I was going to have stroke.
I intentionally avoid many podcasts. I also was a teacher and I loved the kids. I just couldn’t take care of myself physically. Learning boundaries was truly a gift from God. People kept giving me hints i was doing too much. I finally accepted it and found out I was being taken advantage of. I got the message and changed course.
I love that you made this video. A few years ago, I started telling people I wish I didn't have this much empty because it fs up my life. I always got a "nooooo, that's the best part of you, more people should have that." Now I can show them this video.
Wow. I was reflecting on my last few relationships with guys I dated a little while ago and this was the one thing that I know was something that was praised about me, especially because they didn't get that level before, I guess...
But it was never a 50/50 exchange. My boundaries weren't always respected, and if I pushed back it was taken as an attack.
so I've come to realize how much emotional support I've given my partners at the expense of my own and I'm trying to process this as I am pretty much tired of the social aspects of dating. I feel like I'm officially retired and that's fine.
Anyway, this video couldn't come soon enough.
This is the perfect complement for the previous video. There were a lot of comments about how people were struggling because of their empathy.
The first 30 seconds got me feeling overwhelmed already 😂 I've been feeling for a while like my empathy is only beneficial to others, but detrimental to myself. I used to have a lot of empathy but after going through some difficult times it seems that it's dried up.. on one hand I'm sad that I don't have the same love for people as I used to, but on the other I'm wondering if this is the healthier way to live...?
Honestly I don't think you "lost" your empathy, or part of it, I'm pretty sure it's gonna come back 🫶🏻
I felt this so much 😔 constantly getting taken advantage of bc I want to help, understand and not give up on anyone. But I almost gave up on myself. 💔
Learned this the hard way recently and this video just put it into words.
I am careful with the people I am close with. When Im close with someone im extremely empathetic. However, the second I notice them trying to take advantage of my empathy, I will become a stone to them. If someone offered me 49-51 I would say no on principle.
A 50/50 split would seem the logical and fair thing to do with money. Anyone offering less than 50%, I would likely say no to on principle. It wouldn't bother me if I lost the money because it would be more important to me that they didn't win it either.
I'd be careful about being too hard lined. If you have a strict 50/50 policy then you and them could have different ideas of who puts in the extra effort based on personal bias. Plus some people need more empathy than others, for example someone who has been genuinely victimised. It could make relationships to be a bit too transactional. Of course it's up to you to figure out what works for you, just a suggestion.
@@frishter great balanced comment. Yes, there is the risk of things becoming too transactional and based on a "scoreboard" of favours which itself is a classic sign of toxic/unhealthy behaviour. It's understandable though as a trauma response, one just needs to be mindful of it and not lean heavily toward it.
@frishter me and a friend broke off bc of her being very transactional and me having a different idea of money sharing. But it's not only money it's deeds too, whenever she did sth good for me I had to immediately repay that kindness. Also she said that she dislikes gifts bc she thinks ppl expect her to give gifts of equal value.
I read the title as “the dark souls of empathy”💀
@@pratyush814 you died
As a man... I have fallen into that trap so many times that I lost count... And with the rise of term "nice guy" it really messes with your brain. Maybe this video is the first step to my recovery. Thank you Dr. K
Ive always clicked away from those videos as I often do on psychological videos on youtube (because mainstream everybody depressed nowadays trends f.e.). But I forgot that I can still learn something from it because I just actively think about a topic.
People in general massively struggle with cognitive empathy, no one seems to understand anyone else's point of view or life experiences. See it all the time.
Interesting video!
It is almost like you read my life with every video.
I am a nurse by profession and I am already in a profession that is about caring for others above the self. On top of that I worry too much about the problems of family and romantic interests. It has thrown me into a depressive episode. I didn't realize my mental health was declining while taking care of everyone else too much.
@@cappygurl do you regret going into a helping profession
Take care of yourself ❤
Just think of the money. No need to be a saint.
This exact reason keeps me away from a caring profession. Although, every time I reassess my life I think maybe I would be more fulfilled in a caring role. 🤔
@@CarolineGregory-wg5on don't try to become a resentful martyr then, at least.
Great talk! When empathy sandbags you, you know you cross the line.
I completely agree I had to stop watching videos dealing with this and felt much better after. I also noticed friends are like this as well.
When you say, "let's say you're highly empathic". I seriously can't even imagine
"...learn to set limits, otherwise you will go absolutely insane, and then everyone around you who cares about you can go insane with you." This is my family now in a nutshell. 😅
Every time I see a new vid thumbnail, I feel like I'm about to get roasted
The social media trauma part is so true. For whatever reason the algorithm shows violent videos all the time. Aggressive people, car accidents, people fall down cliffs and get hurt in all kinds of ways. I block that content every time but it's not helping
Just delete your social media.
@kadrei Stop engaging at all with this content. Don't press like or dislike, don't comment and don't press reject. Instead, search for anything you find pleasant and click like and comment even if just a smiley emoji. After a while you will be shown more and more nice things. Keep engaging with those and soon all the nasty things will diminish to zero.
Being empathic can also find into your life people who can tell you're an empath and they are afraid of you. They will make sure you never have any tiny bit of power(success).You are a potential threat. If they are spiritually developed, they will appreciate you and not be afraid of you., but that's a tiny percentage of people.
10:29 Side note, from someone who's been very emphatic... I'm anti-social because I'm avoiding unfair situations against me...
I clicked so fast. I have always felt that empathy was a neutral trait and my super high level of it actually made me worse at helping people.
This is so true, I want to help people, because I can feel their pain, I want to be there for them.. but at the same time it drains me out emotionally, it’s harder because sometimes people use you when you are trying to be there for them and help them…
Why do you so badly want to be 'there, there ' for them?
@@rexaustin2885Easier to fix other people's problems than one's own
@@rexaustin2885they literally said they wanna help people 👁️👄👁️💧
You're right but personally, when you find/help the right people it's so worth it, like I just feel so good after helping someone, and even if they used me, I know that if I hadn't helped them, I would have felt bad
The trick is: put your own mask on first. You need self-empathy, too. Only you can know what is too much, and you have a responsibility to yourself (and others) to know what that is.
This is true if your too weak to handle it. Train yourself to be stronger emotionally and wholly be a better person just because you can ✊
I felt this video personally XD I'm a ~2m male and often when I'm just trying to help or being kind without any own agenda it more often than not leads to misinterpretation. This was quite confusing for me for a long time.
Also I love the message of setting emotional boundaries even with loved ones. This is something a lot of kind people struggle with (especially in health care where I hear and experience this on a regular basis even directed towards me).
Keep up the good work!
Not sure if this will be discussed in this video, but studying psychology gives me such great empathy yet also brings me such internal conflict. Studying psychology can mean that you kinda understand almost all behavior(especially the bad). It can make you so nuanced, which is a good thing. At the same time though the line between boundaries and empathy starts to be very vague.
If I think a friend or someone I know is giving strange energy- am I being selfish? Am I not being considerate of their potential reasons? Am I seeing things in black and white? Am I not realizing that this is just their communication style? So many guilt-ridden questions come up and it just becomes so vague. Especially if you had/have low self-worth the spectrum of potential reasons of their behavior becomes even bigger
Its definitely interesting, you can try to reframe the concept of what a friendship is for you, and then start to understand your perception better
I study psychology as a hobby but still find this very relatable. I can kinda work out why people act the way they are and can’t feel or stay mad at them, sometimes to my expense. There is no excuse to hurtful or rude behavior, I know. I have improved my boundaries but experienced some hurtful things down the road. I will try to be more compassionate instead of being empathetic like Dr K says; not trying to fully understand their struggles but still being there for them. If they have problems, they need to formulate their own solutions and IF they require advice, I might be of help.
I believe most of those questions can be resolved with their answer? They definitely wont be (fully) answered by just thinking on your own.
People are confusing empathy with enabling. Empathy is allowing a deep connection with a fellow human being. It always energises.
Enabling is allowing someone to trample your wellbeing. It always enervates.
I hope you continue to meet people who only bring you happiness and joy and energy to your life. I wish everyone could have that life and those experiences (sincere).
Enabling sometimes started off as empathy too.
@@Lemoncupcake699 I've always seen enabling as a blindness to the consequences that even kindness can have- many people aren't kind for the sake of being kind, but kind for the sake of what kindness can do for them, and the ripples beyond their point of view are never viewed critically because they don't need to think about things that benefit them.
Enabling is a social lubricant to avoid confrontations, leaving those with less tact at the top because they're the ones that dare and everyone else just doesn't care or isn't in the crossfire enough to act on it.
But I'm no authority, so I could absolutely be wrong.
When it got to the point of "Internal Conflict," something significant clicked in me. I grew up in a conservative religious environment. It was basically a cult (in the undue influence way). So much of what Dr. K says here about how making someone feel guilt and making them think other people's problems are their own made me realize how such institutions are able to so strongly control their members.
Feels like you’re conflating an extreme case of empathy - the affective kind - with just being empathetic in general (you explain the distinction to compassion later though so that helped). Your point about relationships for example hinges only on the empath being the problem, taking on unhappiness etc. but maybe it’s the other partner who can’t be honest about their desires and takes advantage of the empath. I agree that people should be careful not to overextend in their empathy and draw boundaries - „who is in control“ huge point! Thanks for helping people be more mentally healthy.
if someone takes advantage of you it's because they were able to. in the end you were the one who let them take advantage. if someone can't be honest about their desires or can't provide what you need - have a conversation and fix it or compromise where you're both genuinely happy with the end product - or don't interact/interact less. no one forcing you to stay with someone who does not serve you.
I’ve always thought “I wish I didn’t care so much”
Caring can be painful. Thank you for highlighting this ❤
Empathy, like every other human trait/emotion is useful if it’s not too much nor too little.
I like your balanced point of view. Every good thing when too much becomes hurtful! I'm very empathetic, have been taken advantage of but I have refused my experience to make me become insensitive. That would be giving too much power to the abusers over my life. I'm just more careful than before, more balanced in my emotions and actions.
@@TheaM.-gr4bo same here, I had to learn the hard way how being overly empathetic can actually cause people to disrespect you and/or take advantage of you. I was seen as the nice guy and got bullied for it as a child and in my early teens.
I now know this is because I people pleased and avoided conflict so people would like me, but it backfired massively because I did it to the extent that it seemed like I had zero personality or confidence to other people.
Now, I have learned to say no, set boundaries and put myself first. Because you have to help yourself first in order to help others. Since doing all of that, people now respect me sooooo much more. Even girls now find me much more attractive.
@@sacrilegiousboi978 Sorry for your experience but glad that you're doing much better now!👌
I'd rather suffer sometimes than live in a world of psychopaths ! Empathy is a blessing, but with great power comes great responsibility: set boundaries, manage emotions healthily, respect yourself, and recognize when to isolate.