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Okay wait. You said to help addiction, get connection. But in another vid you said if people are lonely, and they don't like being alone, you said they should spend more time with themself. ...hm okay I think I get it. I have a little addiction here and there, but I like spending time by myself.. so to help my addiction I... seek more connection . Think i get it
@@jpjaye either a humidifier or it’s an electrical incense/ humidifier. They are very helpful in very dry and cold climates like in the mountains. Also they make the room smell nice. I can’t stand the oils smells though. It’s too strong. lol 😊
I agree, I've been focusing more on seeing friends and putting myself out there because even though I liked being alone I think it was partially copium for knowing that I just didn't have people around me with the same interests. Now I do what I like alone and find opportunities to see friends for concerts and other outings just to see people more regularly. Idk about you but I felt my social skills decline a bit and I had to work on it again
@@kungfuvoodoo9889 twitter is actually a tiny population. And if you pay attention, the people who have emotional regulation will take breaks from twitter. Also , a lot of people left for mastadon, bluesky, and threads people left who were trying to leave one element of twitter's toxicity or another. So, not only is it a small population, but people who have self selected to be more toxic. And if you lose faith in anything, lose faith in the algorithm. It's designed to amplify negativity. It brings out the worst of humanity and the worst of ourselves.
I'm a guy and have noticed that my dad, while working his ass off and being kind to me and everyone he knows, has never really shown me a great deal of physical affection. It was contradictory to me for a while, but when my grandmother died when I was 16 (I'm 27 now) I realized that I honestly couldn't even remember when I hugged him the last time. Ever since, I hug my homies, my dad and my brothers whenever I greet or say bye to them. Fuck masculine stereotypes for real, it feels great every single time :)
@@cortesimerci35no he isn't. Men who are starved from affection tend to take out their emotional nonsense on women and sometimes children. Please hug one another and spare us.
@@TheOutlierToday he didn’t flat out say it but if it turns out he does, we can talk about that when he responds. If I’m unfortunately right and they don’t, well then there’s not much conversation to be had then.
the lack of hugs is so real. i'm a guy in my early 20s and the last hug i had was in january of this year. my beloved pet died of cancer and when i took him to the crematorium, the old lady working there gave me a hug when she saw how bad i was trying to keep it together. i will always remember and appreciate her doing that. before that, fuck knows how long it had been.
Our son was right, we should watch you on RUclips more often, you are absolutely correct with your theories, thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts, I, as a mother, appreciate you.
@@N03xNemo Considering how lonelier, more hostile and more distant people are nowadays, it's no wonder why most of them become terrible parents. Hurt people hurt people. So this is truly a rare moment indeed. Kudos to this mom.
As someone whose love language is physical contact, ive been touch starved for years and its the worst thing. As someone already replied, i'll just copy paste his comment here: I think something people miss about physical contact as a love language, is that the person craves LOVING physical contact. As great as a massage is, it's paid and professional. As nice as a hug from family/friends is, it doesn't really satisfy longer than the hug itself.
@@JoePAcalaughs There is something from this doctor about this as well. You shouldn't fix an external symptom for an internal problem, something like that it was. I think it applies here.
@@krux02 Not sure exactly what you mean here, if you'd like to expand on it regarding internal/external that would be great. With my response above, I am addressing the physiological need for human touch, which the research is extensive on. As a massage therapist, while most clients come for pain or stress related issues, many clients are simply seeking and benefitting from physical contact due to the hormonal and physiological effects. No one should be deprived of physical touch. Regular massage, which requires trust and vulnerability as well, is a great healing modality on many levels.
Look into partner dance classes e.g salsa, tango, bachata You go as a single and get paired up, learn a new skill and get out of your own head + meet people
I was encouraged to offer a hug to one of my friends. I was told he would appreciate it. So I decided to give it a try. Yes, the first hug was really awkward and out of place... but then he started to hug me every time we met. Nowadays it's weird if we don't hug when saying goodbyes.
Girls figure this out as preteens, it's boys' turn! My son says I love you to his friends every night when he signs off from gaming. Do I question it? Shame him? Fuck no. The one time he brought it up to me all I said was, "it's good to tell the people we love that we love them, keep it up."
@@aawillma That would be my next step. Unfortunately, in Finnish "I love you" translates as "Minä rakastan sinua", and it sounds really weird and almost no one uses it. Instead of that, I've tried to tell my friends that they are dear to me.
@@SimTomSimmer you gotta hype up your homies!!! Tell them they’re handsome, tell them you’re proud, tell them you love them, be a good example of unconditional love. You lose nothing by being affectionate to your male friends. Don’t let any societal BS make it feel like you can’t do those things. You’ll have better friends than those who hold back cuz they think it’s not the done thing
I remember the first time I was shown concern for my well being. “Are you ok?” For someone who grew up in an environment where mental health wasn’t a thing, toxic work environment and years of depression these three words was life changing. I fell in love with that person and she was everything to me. I thought she was the answer to my loneliness and I was desperate to have her. But then she found someone else. Those were some hard months. But from that I learned the key to curing loneliness: not desiring. From letting go of the need to fill the void I no longer needed anything. I’m content. Yeah I still want to find someone but I won’t lose sleep if I don’t. Right now I’m happy where I’m at, I enjoy life on my own. I want but do not desire. I do want attention but I’m not needy for it. I am happy because I desire nothing outside of myself. I’m whole on my own.😊
I'm glad to hear you taught yourself some good lessons from that negative experience! Keep it up, having your personal happyness charted out like that, even a little is a very good thing!
Thank you for sharing. I think I might've been on the other side of being someone's emotional crutch, to fill their void in my previous relationship. And somehow reading this gave me some clarity- thoughtI might not have been in the exact same shoes as you-it helps me reflect and understand better what was going on in my recent breakup.
This is, unfortunately, the answer. The number of married men addicted to porn proves that addiction is rooted not just in loneliness, but in the belief that you need/deserve/are entitled to other people fixing your loneliness or general dissatisfaction. We are humans, we need connection, 100%. But if you measure all your value and self-worth on someone else's assessment and approval of you, you will be consistently disappointed. It's hard, don't get me wrong. Ironically, the more you become someone who is OK alone, is a good person for the sake of it, has no expectations from people, and loves themselves; the more other people will naturally seek connection with you.
Get off the internet is the best advise we could give to all. No worse place for any human mind, let alone be addicted too. Yet here I am. On this internet. Not connected to others. Because everyone I know is also on the internet. NOBODY stays offline long enough to matter.
@@motomeetyou3655 Depends on where you go and who you interact with. It's mainly social media. And certain online games. Make that a lot of online....oh who am I kidding, you're right.
@@SimonWoodburyForget Agreed. Going offline for a while just makes me notice how few other people are offline. The world is filled with Zombies. If you can't beat them, join them.
@@chrisklugh I used to go online to hide from the world. This was in the late 90s and early 2000s. Now I go into the "real world" to hide from people. Almost everyone has their face buried in technology.
I have been dealing with loneliness my whole life. On my teenager years I was addicted to videogames and studying, and I spend a big part of my 20's beeing addicted to the gym. Things got better when I started having more compassion towards myself Now everytime I feel shame I try to 'counter' it with compassion. The shame and the loneliness are getting weaker with time.
This really puts my own addiction too pornography into perspective. I've never felt so lonely and misunderstood in my entire life. I don't really have anyone to do anything for (Except for my mom who is someone I just can't seem to connect with due too her being an entirely different person from me). I don't have any RL friends, no girlfriend, my family is pretty divided and I barely talk too anyone.... there's no meaningful connections that showcase love or affection for me. As a result, addictions fill the gaps in between because it's the only way I can get some sort of crumbs of what love and affection is like, even though I know that it's not REAL love and affection. I wish above all else that I could truly find someone in my life that I can make a connection with. A meaningful connection.
@@christscrackers647 I'm half-facetious. Great form of exercise that kind of forces you to get a healthier diet and also a great way to socialize with some other dorks. Although nailing a trick or a line is addictive so shrug
Dr K has a video about addiction, where he says that it's about avoiding feeling. So, I don't know you, but I would say it's possibly not about giving you a feeling of something, but helping you avoid feeling actual things you don't want to deal with (i.e. real emotions) like a distraction. This is not intended as an attack, just an observation. I have my own kinds of addictions and problems also. And most people I think are distracted in a variety of more socially acceptable ways (like over eating and shopping).
@@Ruylopez778I also heard from dr.k that people who watch porn can suppress the feeling of pain. He used an example of one of his clients who's been working and watching porn at the same time to avoid unpleasant feeling
Male elementary teacher here. What you said is a thousand percent right. The instinct to hug a student in need of emotional support gets denied after having beaten into me that I can't do that. Every year, I make fun and rewarding relationships with my students, and towards the end of the school year, students always ask, "Is it okay to hug a guy teacher?" Great video!
I'm a woman and a former teacher. We were explicitly told not to hug a student and never to have the door closed when in a room alone with a student. The rules and expectations aren't different for female teachers, it's just the consequences and potential danger/liability for male teachers is a thousand times greater.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona We've been told never to initiate a hug, but if a student wants one and you're okay with it, a simple, quick side hug is fine (this was what I was referring to). Anything beyond that is a no-go, which I totally agree with. I just found that students' inclination to question the appropriateness of side-hugging female teachers vs. male teachers very much aligns with what the video touched on. The never-be-alone/open door still rightly holds up.
Kinda sad in some ways, understandable though. I can remember a retired Colonel who I consider my Father despite only teaching me for three years. Man came to my parent teacher conferences. We went camping with my best friend who's dad brain damaged and couldn't do anything, we bot ended up admitting that the man was our father. Most people at school hating him for being a hard A but damn I loved that man. Best teacher I ever had.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona I've worked in childcare as a man and I have experienced the rules and expectations for me being different than my female colleagues, including those who are less qualified than me. It absolutely does happen. Everywhere? Probably not. More often than you think? Probably.
What helped me with videogame addiction was to uninstall all games on my computer. Since then I have no urge to play or download. Downside is that I watch more RUclips videos instead. Edit: I see improvements though. Videogame addiction left me little to no time for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, call friends. I got more time for that now. It has been 6 days since I uninstalled all games. Log: Week 2 Week 3 completed
Man I hate when you're right. I've been lonely most of my life. I don't share my feelings, I'm not touchy feely, I don't want my friends or family to be concerned about me. So I feel inadequate and feel like kindness given to me is undeserverd. So I bend over backwards to do for other people to get rid of that feeling which never works. Recently I got to know a girl better. She's great, beautiful, we share everything in common from what I can tell even our goals for future career and family are nearly the same. I'm not good enough for her. So I started working on myself. The more I work the worse I feel, like I'm hiding my true self which is worthless under a gilded mask. But I kept trying and kept talking with her. The mask slipped a few times and I vented my true thoughts about my inadequacy and self loathing. She was kind and encouraged me through it. I started fearing I'd lose out or be friendzoned if I didn't ask her so I did. Got turned down. Said she was working on herself and wasn't dating. She still wanted to be friends. Now I realize I've spent the months following alternating between likely annoying her trying to pay back what I feel I owe her and isolating myself from her to not annoy her. I've never met someone that makes me feel like she does. But I'm probably just latching on out of a selfish and desperate desire to be with the person that made me feel alive again.
How has nobody replied to you? Good job for doing those things so far! It sounds like the girl has had a positive impact on you. That's a good person to be around. Don't panic! Do you have a guy best friend? Or a platonic friend girl? Talk to them about it! You can do this, and they can support you. If you don't have that friend, or family member perhaps, let me be that person for you for a moment. You are doing well. Don't overthink it. This person is a positive influence in your life. Of course you need to have other social contacts too, to not overburden one person with your attachment, that's correct. See how that's also a positive thing, that you seek out and spend more time with other people as well besides her, because she sparked the motivation? Let this be a positive cycle in your life. She might have kicked you in the butt, but you keep rolling it forward yourself. I believe in you. Also sometimes good things happen to us or people do good things to us without much trying. This doesn't make them a saint, they were just a good person at the right time. Dr K said, thank them, and move on. Don't live indebted to someone. Remember, you deserve good things, too, even if there's been a pause since you last experienced them. You've got this dude!
Man, i know right now it feels like you're in a bad place, but I think youret on the right trajectory. Finding a group of people you can chat to might help. Like r/menslib might be a good place. They're a lot of men who talk about their feelings a bit more.
I got a hug tonight from a dude after doing a metric fuck tonne of litter picking & it absolutely made all the hard work & effort feel so much more worth it, was so grateful for it
I remember a few years ago at the height of my depression, I had a dream where a girl I knew (a friend of a friend who I’d only met once a few years prior to the dream) had hugged me. In my dream, I started balling my eyes out because that hug felt so genuine that it sparked a rush of happiness that I hadn’t felt in years. The emotion was so intense that it woke me up and the realization that it was only a dream was so depressing that I just sat in a ball on my bed and cried profusely for about 10 minutes. Not saying you gotta hug everyone but showing or telling the homies that you that you care about them, even in seemingly corny or sappy ways, can really mean the world. You never know what they could be going through when no one is around.
Bro. Fish oil, vitamin D3, self-massage, yoga classes, warm showers, volunteer at an animal shelter, or even foster kittens or puppies, there are also cuddle groups on meetup. Please take care of yourself.
You know it's getting bad when you're having dreams of just getting a hug followed by subsequent breakdowns. Its you body and mind telling you, screaming at you, about what it needs. You have my sympathies. Like the other guy said, please take care. Some of his advice seemed pretty solid.
I'm glad a lot of the things here are being said. However the Twitter part of this video is a perfect example of why most of us need to delete that app. Being surrounded by that kind of insane negativity every single day can't be good for your mental health. I only spent a few minutes a day on it and it completely warped my sense of what "most people think".
Your last point there is the real killer, I think. It warps our perspective of what other people are actually like. If you just go out into the real world and talk to people, most people are pretty reasonable and not insane (with certain exceptions depending on where you are in the world, of course). But when we only see the most extreme, reactionary and inflammatory people, that must affect our psychology in a negative way. I think it probably puts people into a state of antagonism and defensiveness.
"Warped sense of what most people think". That's exactly why twitter is downright awful. The site structure isn't really condusive for productive debates so it just leads to everyone yelling.
Left that place two years ago, having been on there for over ten years prior. I'm never going back. Unfortunately, I replaced it with youtube, which isn't much better. A lot of negativity on youtube too.
Four years of struggling with porn and substance abuse, I locked myself in my room and did not socialize with any friends for a whole year. I'm slowly getting better now.
As a dude in his early twenties with depression, social anxiety and a decade long videogame addiction history, also living with a manipulative family, I feel this. I used to value them, but they don't care about me as a person. All they want is for me to do the house chores, study or have a job. But the moment I can't do any of those things, instead of asking me why, they get mad. All I ever wanted since I stopped being a kid is for them to try and understand me. To let me leave my life in peace. I do want to help with house chores, get a job and make something out of my life, but these people make me suffer everyday, it's not worth helping them anymore. The worst of all is that each day that passes my few friends I can trust move away, and I'm still stuck here. I can't trust anybody. The therapists I've been to didn't help either. I'm alone in my room everyday, and I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to give up, but as days go on I have less and less energy. I just want people who care about me. People who don't drain all my energy. I'm not asking for much. I know that I can do everything I put my mind to, but I just don't have the strength to deal with life on my own anymore. With myself, and with these awful people.
Don't give up bro! It seems hard when you are living it but there's a better life past this rough times. I've been trough some shit and what saved me is asking for help and remove myself from the enviroment. You might be surprised the thing people do for you when you are more open about needing a hand. So stay strong and don't listen to your own negative thoughts so much.
It's being a hell of a time to be alive. I thank you reader for enduring this up, and I'd like to give you an e-hug, for that's what I can do for you now.
You're a good soul Dr. K. It is highly commendable that you have decided to help those struggling in this world. You bring hope and meaning to people. I wish you the best in life.
As a man who receives very few hugs, I wouldn’t like women hugging me because they know men receive very little affection. It’s a form of compassion. They do it because they feel sad for us, and they want to help. I don’t need your help, I don’t want you to hug me because I need it, it should be spontaneous. I hope I explained myself
It's like my ex wife , having sex because she felt obligated but did not want it. When I found that out I never tried to have sex with her again. I don't want sex with a woman not interested!!!!! . I'd feel like a rapist!!. No way ! She left saying I wasn't filling her needs! Seriously, I went years with nothing feeling terrible because my wife could shouldered me. It messed me up so bad that years later I know I'm damaged beyond fixing.
@@DeadCat-42 You are never beyond "fixing". You are enough. Just as you are. Sure, you have been through rough times, but it doesn't mean you need fixing
Loneliness is also likely to come with a lack of social skills and life experience and being clueless what to do outside of one's 4 walls, what the options are and where to seek them. Which isn't an unsolvable problem, but man does it add resistance
My experience is that it's much less difficult than I feared, and that a large part (though not all) of the resistance was internal. Though that doesn't mean the resistance is not "real" - it's very real, and I've been working very hard on it (therapy, journaling, etc). But it feels like there's a progress curve, where at the very beginning, even small amounts of effort can yield substantial rewards.
When I was like 15 or less years old, I helped two little girls that were sisters (the older maybe was like 7) that were my neighbours, I helped them carrying water bottles (they were a lot) and spent more than an hour. When i came back home and my parents asked what was I doing, I explained what I did, obviously I did nothing wrong however my father warned me that I had to be careful when doing things like that because I could be perceived as a pervert, I didn't argue with him because I knew he was right but that's sad. Edit: I have to add that they were carrying the bottles alone, that was in my residential complex and had no idea where they parents were
The sixth form I went to (age 16-18) was mixed gender obviously, but it was attached to a secondary school (age 11-16) that was an all-girls school. In like the first week or so of the first year, all the male students were taken aside and told - by a male teacher - to not let themselves be alone with a girl, for any reason. It's not even bad advice per se, it's just scary, and feels like an unfair imbalance.
I'm suffering with depression atm. I've spent the last 2 months in bed, I lost all motivation and interest in life. I went onto antidepressants and it cleared my mind enough to look for help. I live in Australia so due to my level of depression I get 12-18 free therapy sessions. I've also gathered my closest friends to create a support group. I also got a friend to help me go to the gym.
You are blessed. I don’t have any friends to go to the gym with or to go out with to a mall or a park or something. I have my resentful gf and some dogs and some drugs to keep me company.
the last time i experienced human affection was over a decade ago. if you're a sub 5 man those things are simply off the table. something healthycopergg will never tell you.
What's a sub 5 man? Are you giving a numeric value to your looks? Are you saying ugly people don't have friends? I don't know what your definition of ugly is, but I think most people are capable of having friends, even if they are not beautiful. Even if they are bedridden with a disability, most people are able to have connection to others, via making friends on the internet or through friends and having guests. I don't think you are below human connection.
@@thesaddestdude3575I mean if you're emotionally swatting at every woman for existing with a vag, then sure. It's no different than some women assuming every man is abusive or a cheater though. There comes a point where if you choose to treat all others a certain way because of xyz generalizations, you ultimately end up creating your own self-defeating cycles.
I don't get one thing. People say “Men are the problem” and then one someone like you comes with a solution to make men less problematic people start shouting “you are targeting men only”
Thats a product of (i understand it might be cliche, but its true, you can search of) cultural marxism/extreme left feminism. Its basically what you said "men are the problem ... But they deserve no help" is basically a scape goat that they want to keep around.
Honestly some people are negative, and have always a problem with anything you do. I'm a female and I watch these videos. I understand that from his experience (professional and personal), it's easier for him to talk about men. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care about women.
as someone addicted to gaming ,weed ( alcohol in the past ) , chronically online and single in his 30s its spot on this one, you just stop carrying as years go by, and those things like achieving ranks in online games + smoking weed helps to cope with that feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose in real life. What i learned during my alcohol therapy is that there are no happy addicts
drinking alone at 1am right as i watch this. the preview clips in the beginning hit like a ton of bricks, but i don't see a way to change it, and even admitting it to myself feels pathetic or like whining. it all hurts so much, all the time, but i just feel like absolutely no one cares. part of me fears that i've already become so used to this state that i'll have internalized some sort of deep resentment towards life/the world, for not having anyone to care about me, such that if i ever do find someone who does, i simply won't be able to believe them, and they'll bear the brunt of a lifetime of neglect. idk
The fact that they are shocked that over men going *months* without hugs really put into perspective how little contact I have with people. Months is nothing. Months suggests that people get hugs several times a year!
My dad gave me a hug when I graduated highschool. And maybe when I was leaving home for a summer job in Greenland for two months, in 2019. I can't think of a more recent hug with him. I think I've hugged my mom since then occasionally, as a gift for the birthday or when we're saying goodbye. I almost always hug my closest friends when we say goodbye, even more often than my parents. I think my male friends don't hug their friends. I wonder if they hug their parents.
You have no idea the timing of this video in relation to my situation right now, these videos help me understand myself a little bit more with each video that is released. Thank you for your work.
Ive been struggling with loneliness almost all my life and in recent years I have indulged in many addictive behaviors which are hard to get rid off since they always come back because the loneliness never passes
God I hate twitter. That such a good tweet but twitter is such a whirlpool of negative emotion that almost nothing good can come out of that website unscathed. Twitter turns good people into villains. It's frightening.
I'm convinced that in the future we will look back on social media for children the same way we look back on smoking for children. "What the hell were they thinking? How did they not know they were fucking up their kids?"
Something so simple as a hug and quality time with someone is so meaningful to me. No one is saying to squeeze them but even a quick half hug will suffice. Thank you Dr. K 💕💕
Does anyone remember there was a thing for a little while some years ago where people would wear T-shirts or hold signs saying "free hugs" and they would go places and actually give out hugs to every stanger passing by who wanted a hug and there were viral videos?
I even remember seeing people IRL with those shirts at GamesCom, and me having cringe thoughts.. That was like 10 years ago. If I would encounter such person now, I'll do some hugs :)
Ppl still do it. It's just that we now the algorithms pay a lot of favor to negative & divisive content plus the next best trend of foolery. Much of the good stuff goes unnoticed these days.
I feel like me getting a random hug from anyone would make me feel uncomfortable. And if it’s only small and short it wouldn’t be enough to actually make a difference and magically “cure” my loneliness. Especially if it feels like more of a formality than genuine kindness designated towards myself which makes it meaningless.
I 100% agree. Also there is a culture of hugging at my workplace, and since I don’t feel comfortable participating in that, I have been labeled as uptight and an outsider. I don’t think bosses should hug their employees, because then it sets up this dynamic of favoritism and unclear boundaries. That being said, I love hugs when an appropriate friendship has been established and neither person feels like their boundaries are being broken 😊
@@Unchainedboar you do... Or, perhaps at 48 myself, I'm delusionally just telling myself I still do... Hence, delusionally telling you at 32 you do... 😅
Not everyone likes physical touch and that's fine. I've learned to ask people first if they "do hugs" or if they want a hug, even friends, and it feels good knowing that the person I'm hugging is okay with it.
@christianfaux736 I'm not saying I think that I'm saying that's what people are made to think. I don't think we get anywhere in life if we stick to one lifestyle and never understand and listen to others just because we don't like it, and that's what K tends to go into. It's an echo of a sentiment before the value judgement is placed on it. That's all
I'd love to connect with people, but I notice my thoughts are often trying to create scenarios or misconstrue what I want to say in that I'll somehow offend someone with what I say, so my communication ends up being very sterilized. I also notice I often tend to think of scenarios of how I will get in trouble (which I think I have trauma from), so I'm usually avoidant because of this and am harsh with myself. This is kind of the root of my social anxiety and why I'm consistently lonely today.
Silly question, but have you tried going to meetups or events that pertain to your interests to socialize with people? Sometimes commonality goes a long way and may make conversations flow better. I wish you all the best, cheers.
@@biteofdog I've tried going to toastmasters for public speaking, and I've also gone to stores for hobbies I like, but my line of thinking is always a factor. I'm trying to work on that and be more aware of it, but it's really an uphill battle.
I can relate to this. Try to look up fearful avoidant attachment style, and see whether that describes your current interactions with others. Feel free to hmu if you wanna discuss that stuff
I can kinda relate to this. It's really hard. Just being aware of it is a big thing in and of itself. Something I've tried asking myself is: what is something that _I_ want to share? I spend so much time thinking about what others want to hear, what would be "acceptable" for me to share, what can I share that has the highest chance of eliciting a positive response. But if I try to push all of that aside and focus on the things that I actually value myself, that I would like to share with people, I find it slightly easier.
I can quit watching porn, playing games and engage in all the self-destructive behaviors, but eventually I get back to at least one of those things, due to the lack of relationships and the severe isolation/loneliness. I've done it multiple times (for long periods of time) but when there's nothing else to fill in the emptiness, I just don't see the point of trying and go to my old me. I'm sure that I can't get through this alone. No matter how much I improve myself, if it's only for me, there's no reason to sustain it. Life sucks. At 31, I just want to end it!
Thank you for speaking about this topic. It makes me feel more secure in my past actions. In high school I hugged EVERYONE I was remotely friends with. Not every single classmate mind you, but if I had a friend or two in a separate friend group, then everyone there got a hug. Every single day. I often look back and think “man, people must’ve thought I was weird af” but I do remember lots of people, men and women, saying “thank you”. Those memories along with this data makes me feel like I did a good thing and I genuinely hope those people return the kindness to others.
He’s not wrong about the man/woman interactions. Real life example: I helped a coworker with a work project. Next thing I know he’s asking me to lunch everyday. Asking me to dinner every night. Buying me and bringing me gifts. He was a good man but it became too much and came across as overwhelming and stalker-ish. I just wanted to be treated like all other coworkers not a weird crush(or so that’s how it felt)????
If somebody showed me that they were interested (romantically, not just helping me with something) I would be like that too lol, I’m been deprived of romance for my entire like and I’m 22
I have a much more complex problem with loneliness. At the peak of my social life, I had around 300 contacts in my phone. I still have women chasing me and sending me smiles and greetings on the street, most of them think that i am some rich dude because i like to dress sharp. But the thing is, after five years, none of these 300 people even ask how I'm doing. They only wanted to be in contact with me because I offered a fun time. Most of my relationships were extremely superficial. Now, I don't have anyone in my life-no girlfriend, no real friends, no family. There are people who want to connect with me, but I find those connections to be superficial at best. The only "real deep connection" I ever had was with an ex-girlfriend six years ago. The lack of sincere, genuine contact in todays society is alarming.
Well you've screwed up in some way haven't you? Obviously you need need to find out why you can't hold a relationship, because if you went through 300 people then you're common denominator.
I just want to make a reminder that most deep connections start superficially and then develop into something more. If you have women and men being friendly and interested in you, you are already luckier than the majority of us who noone even wants to say hi. So give it a chance, maybe try therapy as well during that journey to give you hope. Finding people to call real friends and family takes a long time, but since it's easy for you to make the start, I'm sure you can find what you are looking for.
Preach brother. There's a kind of beautiful irony in being aware of the why and how my life turned into what it did yet being utterly incapable of changing anything. All that's left are the superficial parasocial connections to internet creators which, to be fair, probably saved me when they came in the form of Dr. K interviews. What's really painful is that before I thought that loneliness was something I could overcome by myself and Dr. K's video on solitude really helped, for a while. I really hope the younger men watches this and take the opportunity to avoid ending up like me, 35 years old with no friends, never had a romantic relationship since I was 18 and a failure in all other aspects of modern life. Because yeah, video games and a lot of weed (like all day everyday) doesn't cut it anymore when it comes to not feeling lonely. A doctor literally laughed at me when I said that btw so not much faith left there. Sorry for the long comment. I really hate how weak I am to resist pathetically inserting myself in online things when sober...
Every comment helps the algorithm, and maybe someone will come by who feels similar. Also, can you be sure the doctor laughed at you, or did he think you were telling a joke "Weed doesn't cut it anymore for ... the lonliness" sounds like it could be a joke, one of those half true ones. That we're socially expected to laugh at because none of us are trained to deal with those kinds of feelings. So, definitely reach out to a community for help, I think r/menslib is one of the better/kinder places for men. Best of luck
I'm at the point of my life where trying to find someone to experience intimacy or share life with seems like such a fruitless endeavor. The last six months were so psychologically rough, I felt genuine love for someone, something I haven't felt in years and I gave that person all I could muster and yet it led me nowhere. Ended the friendship because that thought is just too painful. The feeling of being stuck in a loop is really hard to shake off, I've been going to dancing classes, made a group to play volleyball, from the side it seems like things are happening, but the lack of interest I get, the lack of intimacy makes me feel so alone. I know in my heart that I can offer plenty but it feels like no one is willing to give me a shot, that thought is so depressing and demotivating, what's the point of this constant struggle if I have nothing to show for it. Dreams of a family, of a loving partner feel unachievable. Hobbies feel less enjoyable, life in general is less colorful. People are friendly, but they feel cold and distant. I'm still trying to move forward, but with every failure, the engine gets more clogged up, I feel like I'm barely holding myself together.
there is no right or wrong or cured or sick just companies doing good propaganda for themselves and bad propaganda for others, just smoke the damn weed joint u will be fine, dont be addicted to being a sick victim
@@Sizifus if you give up then it's over. If you stop trying then that dreaded future of loneliness will become reality. I wish I had better advice than, "don't give up" but honestly I'm in the same boat. But as long as we're still trying and holding onto hope there is a CHANCE. Whatever small it may be there is a chance. Its better than guranteeing loneliness by giving up. Its the best we can do.
I used to try and be kind to guys very often, but they would all get attached super quickly and in a really uncomfortable way. Today i'm much more careful and guarded with guys, because i'm tired of getting uncomfortable like that and having to explain that they're too much and/or having to get away from them. That's why i love this video and i'm happy that you're talking about this to men, but also explaining the problem really well and raising awareness of it to everybody. Really great video
I grew up without a mom and would ruin myself everytime I went back to my ex and she knew it...Took me about a decade to build up the strength the isolate myself and be totally free of vices. Absolutely nothing but work but it can be exhausting.
months? My mom died in Sept of 2021 and my very first thought as she slipped away from a 2 year struggle with pancreatic cancer was. . . I have had my last true hug in life. . . still waiting to be wrong.
I'm more inclined to agree with Gabor Mate's view on addiction, as in that addiction is fundamentally a coping strategy to deal with inner trauma (invisible wounds). The addiction is less painful than dealing with the trauma, even if the addiction will ultimately be extremely harmful (alcohol/drugs/food specifically). That said, connection and therapy can be extremely beneficial in a) lessening the addiction itself and b) discovering the root cause of your addiction. As psychologists, we shouldn't be focusing so much on the behavior. We should be asking ourselves why people are engaging in the (harmful) behavior in the first place.
I agree, but i will add, it gets to a point where the addiction, in and of itself, creates issues, that may or may not go away if the addiction goes away
I feel like we should acknowledge that the way some boys are deprived of hugs and emotional awareness is a form of trauma. Like how solitary confinement can be a form of torture.
@@matty_daddy In my experience, if you don't manage to make a lot of friends and gain some experience with women in school, you will most likely end up alone.
What an amazing video, spot on as per usual. Just recently met a woman who's been kind to me and I'm having the issues that are expressed in this video. Once again you've been incredibly useful DR.K
Commenting to say I really appreciate how he's bridging the gap between "do good by your fellow humans" and "avoid men and treat them like dangerous creeps by default". These are conflicts of thought I've had myself, as I understand womens' reluctance to be available to men even in a platonic way and sympathize with it, but I also can't just ignore how the other side feels when all they ever experience is rejection and loneliness.
The pay it forward comment is great! We did some work training about positive interactions can’t remember the exact study but basically the positivity spreads to the next person and the next. Though it does diminish in intensity as you go on. It just gave me the mental image of all these stones dropping in a pool and spreading happiness ripples out. We need more of that!
That's not true. That's just that negative voice in your head telling you that. You can do this. But you have to fight those thoughts. You can't start believing all that sht
I know Dr. K is just trying to help and I think this is a great video, but can I be honest? As a 31 year old forever alone guy who has never even been on a date or held hands in my life - I don't want hugs from men... I have amazing close friends, some of them for 20-25 years. It. Doesn't. Matter. No amount of friendship and platonic hugs can make up for being unwanted and invisible to women. My friends could hug me every single day and I would still be in the darkest pit of depression because I know that I'm not good enough for anyone to want in a relationship. Every day I see literal high schoolers walking hand in hand with their girlfriends. How do I ever feel good about that? How do I ever accept that I'm worse than someone half my age, despite trying so hard to improve myself for over a decade? No amount of hugs can ever make up for missing out on the most important developmental milestones. As I said, great video, but I'm sick and tired of people tiptoeing around the reality, which is that most men simply aren't wanted. It should be no surprise how many are checking out.
16 дней назад+1
i think it goes even deeper, even if some ppl are "worthy" we just dont live in a time where that is something meaningfull, in ancient times or during war it makes sense to be worthy because u had tobe that in order to keep going, but now its all kinda meaningless and shallow, ask yourself if you really think a very attractive person feels really wanted or used, same goes for a very rich person or a very socially connected person, they all feel used at a certain point. ppl with lots of romantic partners are also addicts, addiction seems to be the base line of modern human condition.
I hate how as a man you're expected to solve all your problems on your own as well as others. You keep your feelings to yourself, you're cold or withdrawn. You share your feelings, you're clingy or give women the ick. Can't win
I dealt with alcohol addiction for about 10 years, and something that I have seen is so much focus on others and connections and blah blah blah. But as an addict, I can tell you 100% that has nothing to do with others and everything to do with me. The moment that I felt good with myself and my thought and being alone, the need for alcohol left me. I used alcohol to escape from myself but the moment that I felt good by being alone, everything changed for the better.
I'm sorry. You deserve to be recognized and your feelings validated. One of the themes Dr. K speaks of is that no one group has a monopoly on suffering.
I actually got hugged just a week ago. A naughty thing happened at my friend's marriage party (nothing dangerous, but she got really upset). So me, she and our third friend were just laying in the same bed, hugging eachother and telling how we appreciate one another. The one that got married actually started it. I wouldn't even think about such a thing because it'd feel embarrassing. But it actually felt great. Even then I got thinking that we wouldn't have such an experience if we were men.
As a guy who’s lived in a uni dorm house with 9 other women i saw this a lot, and honestly i really envy it, not jealous, these were ppl i really liked, all really kind decent caring ppl that i still keep in touch with two years after moving out, but its so strange that societally speaking its so very normal for women to be intimate with each other platonically, and i mean like super physically intimate like on the couch just cuddled up together, hugging, laying alongside each other and such things. You can’t do that as a guy, and i mean you ‘could’ but ive never seen it unless someone was queer/gay/bi, its not socially acceptable, nor even something comprehensible, or normalised to the degree that you could ask it without being scolded/mocked for it. Nor can you really do it with women friends, i mean thats not socially acceptable or normalised, you’d have to be super close friends. It is very envious how casually women have physical affection in their relationships, ofc women have a lot more issues to deal with than men and ofc also struggle with loneliness but you do have that outlet that we don’t have, homies hugging homies is possible but rare, homies cuddling is out of this world. A scenario like ur describing is impossible. Weird that with women it can be normal but with men instantly gay and make u a pariah with straight ppl.
Dr. Kanojia, you are the greatest social beacon of our time and a worthy successor to the esteemed Dr. Leo Buscaglia. No one I know of speaks so accurately and compassionately on the social needs of society. Spot on. Bravo!
@@tiffanyapril5458 His lectures usually aired on PBS TV during their pledge drives. You can find some of them if you look up his name on RUclips. Of course, as they were filmed in Eighties and early Nineties, the video quality is not great. He also published a variety of books. Good luck!
Dam one of the realest topic I’ve seen been in this situation it sucks being alone for a long time. Being isolated can be good if building atomic habits but get out there and build relationships communicate as soon as possible cause longevity being alone for to long will be depressing trust, remember we are humans. We have to communicate with others not just with thyself
I am autistic, I always felt different, never fit in anywhere. I guess it's just my default state to be lonely. To be honest i don't know how can it impact my general wellbeing, I don't really crave relationships although I know they are quite important
Listen man if you should have start to feel like wanting one look up studies that show what women think of autistic men, you will give up fast its basically impossible.
17:57 absolutely brilliant insight and I'm so glad you spoke on it. A socially tuned-in person will sense and subconsciously mirror the awkward state of another
The last time I was hugged by a woman outside of my family circle was when I was 15. Now I'm 37. At 25 the last hope in me finally broke down and since then I just got used to it. Also, if a woman is nice to me, I automatically assume she wants to use me for her own benefit.
Its been 13 years for me since I've been hugged, not only are women never nice to me but at this point in my life I go days at a time without even using my voice or interacting with another human face to face at all. My dog dies last year and thats when it really hit me just how alone and pathetic I am.
@@Terepin64 It’s never too late for you man, there’s a woman out there who’s life you can bring love and brightness into like only you can. Be the best version of yourself for her, because maybe she’s feeling as hopless as you’ve felt.
@@Terepin64if you're no longer a child then it's time you also stopped indulging in the nightmare you've found comfort in. Fairy tales don't exist, but neither do night terrors. You're 37, not dead. As long as you're on that number line, it's anyone's game.
"Some men go months without being hugged" I laughed and cried at this. Thankfully I get to hug my mom when I visit for Christmas, or I couldn't count the years on my fingers. I'm fine and loneliness isn't going to kill me anytime soon, but the way she reacted to that sentence made me really feel the difference in life experiences.
There's a transactional quality to socialising, the unfortunate reality for a lot of these lonely people is someone somewhere told them they have nothing to offer. They believed it and now the only social stuff they feel like they get to do is constant people pleasing.
This reminded me of something from my early 20s. I was at work and I saw a man who looked very familiar. I was still very awkward and shy but I felt like I needed to ask him a question . I walked up to him and said "Excuse me, would you happen to know a brother by the name of *insert my dad's name*?". Without saying a word he pulled me in for a hug. This was at a time where my life was shit. I was a broke kid, struggling to survive, with a job, a horrible home life, and an emotionally manipulative gf. That hug made me feel like the weight that was crushing me was lifted for a moment and that everything would be ok. He was my father's friend and he hadn't seen my family in over a decade. I still think about that hug sometimes. I'm 33 now
It was so rare for other men to feel comfortable hugging me or other men. What these friends had in common, is they have been physically assaulted by their parents and worked on their physical strength. With such a different circumstance, this affection was never awkward. this was charismatic, as they had felt no sense to believe their parents anymore. This is in contrast with how we are taught that "us men" are punished for showing affection to other men. My father had told me to not cry in front of women, and I've had a decent relationship with him. That is how warped and extended this belief is. After the first friend like that though, I had decided to hug any of my friends if they wanted, and that's the worst part. Most still refuse, and some have killed themselves.
I like how deep he think and how he think about thinking and thinks about how other people think without thinking more thoughtfully. It's very nice. Makes things less black and white.
My fiancée never played online/multiplayer games. She recently started playing an online multiplayer game and she was weirded out by how many dudes DM her and ask her inappropriate questions or ask her to be their gf/wife/etc. As a dude, I had no idea it was THAT bad. We all know it happens, but to that extent? Eyes opened.
Privilege is inherently blind. I wish every man would just sit down with a female friend or relative and genuinely ask them about the harassment she has received from men in just the last week- and then just listen. Most men are not creeps but it only takes a couple of creeps to make sure every single woman gets creeped on multiple times per week.
I only have about 2 close friends. We used to hangout a ton when we graduated but now it's only every month or so, maybe more. I always hug my buddies, they're my best friends. There's no one I have more fun with! It's one of the reasons I'm still here
Maybe I’m just the weird one but I’ve never seen anything wrong with a hug. I reserve a dap up for a conversational emphasis, almost like an exclamation point is to a sentence. Hugs are for the homies. Embrace the people you love.
Brilliant video! Appreciate your work so much Dr K! I’m a straight trans guy so I’ve felt the need to “prove my masculinity” throughout my life while also being socialised to befriend girls. Friendship, romance, family - basically all kinds of intimacy and companionship I’ve “performed well” while internally taken a step back from, empty. And the concept of hugging has been complicated even though I’m a hugger at heart. I’m currently on a journey of becoming myself and connecting genuinely with others more:)
I’m 65, my wife of 9 years don’t live together but we made a deal to see each other overnight a few times a month while remaining loyal for now. I’m have more income so I treat. We both know that my spending is part of the motivation but I don’t mind. I feel deep down in a man’s world I owe her anyways. So that covers the human contact. I like living without others.
Currently in one of the loneliest moments of my life. It's so easy to fall into alcohol as a way of numbing myself. A few years in that same situation, and chances are high I'll be an alcoholic.
This video really struck a chord with me. It's so true that loneliness and isolation can be major contributors to addiction, especially for men. I think there's still a lot of stigma around men expressing their emotions and seeking help, and that needs to change. We need to create a culture where it's okay for men to be vulnerable and connect with others on a deeper level. Thanks for sharing this important message.
@@aawillma it's different because men don't notice older women or even see them as women. Men only see younger women as *women* Not a reprimand as I don't know you, but so many women are left alone and there are no podcasts discussing the problem of female loneliness. It's only a problem when men experience it.
@@SusanaXpeace2u im not going to speak for your personal experience but you shouldnt go around speaking as if you know what the male experience is either, saying "men only see younger women as women" as this is simply not true and yes there are a lot of rotten men but there are way way more normal men and for that matter theres rotten women too, and yes female loneliness is indeed a problem however men are not exactly brigading against women for trying to be friends with them but women certainly are fearmongering the concept of men trying to be friends with women, dont you think if men had more experience with women in general they wouldnt be such creeps? its not that surprising that if theyve got hardly any experience socially interacting with women in a non romantic way that they end up behaving strangely, you cant be good at something youve barely ever done.
@@SusanaXpeace2u You say this and then for one woman like you there are 10.000 women who say that the loneliness men experience is irrelevant and that it's actually a privilege, that having a partner or not doesn't matter, that being desired doesn't matter, that we should just stop being whiny, and then we see how you guys are in happy relationships and get everything for just existing. So what is it then? You all don't deserve empathy if you play life on easy mode. Empathy is reserved for people with problems. You can't be like "omg female loneliness is never taken seriously", when your group doesn't take it seriously. You all constantly say that men need to shut up about being lonely and that getting easy access to everything that stops loneliness is not a privilege. Make up your mind and when you are consistent then you can come back and demand sympathy. Like, women say to men that they should stop crying about loneliness, because women objectively don't know how it actually feels to be lonely. This is the only explanation. Otherwise they wouldn't say this. Deductively, you are the one's that don't take it seriously.
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Commenting before the video is out is a cheeky way to claim "first" lol
bro wat is that smoke near the lamp in the background
likewise
Okay wait. You said to help addiction, get connection. But in another vid you said if people are lonely, and they don't like being alone, you said they should spend more time with themself.
...hm okay I think I get it.
I have a little addiction here and there, but I like spending time by myself.. so to help my addiction I... seek more connection . Think i get it
@@jpjaye either a humidifier or it’s an electrical incense/ humidifier.
They are very helpful in very dry and cold climates like in the mountains. Also they make the room smell nice. I can’t stand the oils smells though. It’s too strong. lol 😊
I like being alone but hate being lonely
😂
I agree, I've been focusing more on seeing friends and putting myself out there because even though I liked being alone I think it was partially copium for knowing that I just didn't have people around me with the same interests. Now I do what I like alone and find opportunities to see friends for concerts and other outings just to see people more regularly. Idk about you but I felt my social skills decline a bit and I had to work on it again
@@n1ladr1 that part *snaps*
Get your own quote
or just scared?
Dr.K did it again. Watching this while smoking a joint, alone by myself on a saturday evening.
Right here wit you
Hello family
Same! Cheers brother
The doctor makes money off you even if you don't have insurance! 🤑
@@carlyellison8498 lmao
That Twitter person who decided to hug more people is a hero
heroes are just people with good hearts
The fact that Twitter took it in a completely different direction shows that Twitter lives outside reality as terminally online windbags
I mean at first the tweet seems heartwarming, but the replies it got afterwards only further killed my faith in humanity
@@kungfuvoodoo9889 twitter is actually a tiny population. And if you pay attention, the people who have emotional regulation will take breaks from twitter. Also , a lot of people left for mastadon, bluesky, and threads people left who were trying to leave one element of twitter's toxicity or another. So, not only is it a small population, but people who have self selected to be more toxic.
And if you lose faith in anything, lose faith in the algorithm. It's designed to amplify negativity. It brings out the worst of humanity and the worst of ourselves.
I'm a guy and have noticed that my dad, while working his ass off and being kind to me and everyone he knows, has never really shown me a great deal of physical affection. It was contradictory to me for a while, but when my grandmother died when I was 16 (I'm 27 now) I realized that I honestly couldn't even remember when I hugged him the last time. Ever since, I hug my homies, my dad and my brothers whenever I greet or say bye to them. Fuck masculine stereotypes for real, it feels great every single time :)
He is correct in doing that.
@@cortesimerci35no he isn't. Men who are starved from affection tend to take out their emotional nonsense on women and sometimes children. Please hug one another and spare us.
@@peachesandpoetsoh gosh I'd really hate for my mental struggles to inconvenience a woman.
@@cortesimerci35 you may have masochistic tendencies.
No he's not. Jesus Christ stop making your life miserable for no reason.@@cortesimerci35
People don't care how I am, they only care that I can fulfill my responsibilities and do my job.
The worst is that it's never good enough
The story of every man's life huh? Jokes aside, I feel you.
Okay. Doesn’t sound like you want that to change though?
@soldierhobbes1182 where here did you get that?
@@TheOutlierToday he didn’t flat out say it but if it turns out he does, we can talk about that when he responds. If I’m unfortunately right and they don’t, well then there’s not much conversation to be had then.
the lack of hugs is so real. i'm a guy in my early 20s and the last hug i had was in january of this year. my beloved pet died of cancer and when i took him to the crematorium, the old lady working there gave me a hug when she saw how bad i was trying to keep it together. i will always remember and appreciate her doing that. before that, fuck knows how long it had been.
My last hug was 13 years ago i still remember it.
my last hug was from my ex, 3 years ago, which she initiated...it's cold out there
Losing a pet or person is hard man, I hope you are doing well.
@@mr.nobody2244 same my last hug was from my ex but it was last month and i miss the warmth so much
My last hug was on my birthday, 5 days ago, but I don't get to hug anyone often
Our son was right, we should watch you on RUclips more often, you are absolutely correct with your theories, thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts, I, as a mother, appreciate you.
💐 For the good mom 😊
This is a pretty rare moment believe it or not, but I'm glad you decided to watch this content.
Thank you on behalf of your children for trying to understand them, it’s unfortunately a rarer privilege than any of us would’ve wished.
@@N03xNemo Considering how lonelier, more hostile and more distant people are nowadays, it's no wonder why most of them become terrible parents. Hurt people hurt people. So this is truly a rare moment indeed. Kudos to this mom.
I appreciate you for being open to your son's suggestion. Big win. ❤
As someone whose love language is physical contact, ive been touch starved for years and its the worst thing.
As someone already replied, i'll just copy paste his comment here: I think something people miss about physical contact as a love language, is that the person craves LOVING physical contact. As great as a massage is, it's paid and professional. As nice as a hug from family/friends is, it doesn't really satisfy longer than the hug itself.
I suggest regular massage. It's helpful, and good for physical health and emotional as well.
@@JoePAcalaughs There is something from this doctor about this as well. You shouldn't fix an external symptom for an internal problem, something like that it was. I think it applies here.
@@krux02 Not sure exactly what you mean here, if you'd like to expand on it regarding internal/external that would be great. With my response above, I am addressing the physiological need for human touch, which the research is extensive on. As a massage therapist, while most clients come for pain or stress related issues, many clients are simply seeking and benefitting from physical contact due to the hormonal and physiological effects. No one should be deprived of physical touch. Regular massage, which requires trust and vulnerability as well, is a great healing modality on many levels.
Bruh everyones love language is physical contact
Look into partner dance classes e.g salsa, tango, bachata
You go as a single and get paired up, learn a new skill and get out of your own head + meet people
I was encouraged to offer a hug to one of my friends. I was told he would appreciate it. So I decided to give it a try.
Yes, the first hug was really awkward and out of place... but then he started to hug me every time we met. Nowadays it's weird if we don't hug when saying goodbyes.
Girls figure this out as preteens, it's boys' turn! My son says I love you to his friends every night when he signs off from gaming. Do I question it? Shame him? Fuck no. The one time he brought it up to me all I said was, "it's good to tell the people we love that we love them, keep it up."
@@aawillma That would be my next step. Unfortunately, in Finnish "I love you" translates as "Minä rakastan sinua", and it sounds really weird and almost no one uses it. Instead of that, I've tried to tell my friends that they are dear to me.
95% of men will help someone who’s lost in the woods. 100% of bears will kill someone lost in the woods.
Bro, same! We're so close now that we give each other sloppy toppies every time we meet!
Make your homies feel loved, yall!
@@SimTomSimmer you gotta hype up your homies!!! Tell them they’re handsome, tell them you’re proud, tell them you love them, be a good example of unconditional love. You lose nothing by being affectionate to your male friends. Don’t let any societal BS make it feel like you can’t do those things. You’ll have better friends than those who hold back cuz they think it’s not the done thing
"When a woman on your team plays badly, flame them," - Dr K :D
😂😂
thats also the only thing i learned.
😂😂😂
@@zoulzopan Got it, will flame more in games.
Ooorrrr... don't flame anyone! Man or woman!
I remember the first time I was shown concern for my well being. “Are you ok?” For someone who grew up in an environment where mental health wasn’t a thing, toxic work environment and years of depression these three words was life changing. I fell in love with that person and she was everything to me. I thought she was the answer to my loneliness and I was desperate to have her. But then she found someone else. Those were some hard months. But from that I learned the key to curing loneliness: not desiring. From letting go of the need to fill the void I no longer needed anything. I’m content. Yeah I still want to find someone but I won’t lose sleep if I don’t. Right now I’m happy where I’m at, I enjoy life on my own. I want but do not desire. I do want attention but I’m not needy for it. I am happy because I desire nothing outside of myself. I’m whole on my own.😊
I'm glad to hear you taught yourself some good lessons from that negative experience!
Keep it up, having your personal happyness charted out like that, even a little is a very good thing!
Thank you for sharing. I think I might've been on the other side of being someone's emotional crutch, to fill their void in my previous relationship. And somehow reading this gave me some clarity- thoughtI might not have been in the exact same shoes as you-it helps me reflect and understand better what was going on in my recent breakup.
I'm happy that you reached this level of realisation. I've been through very similar experience but still unable to help myself.
@@mitthrawnuruodo1730 just having friends or people you trust can go a long way
This is, unfortunately, the answer. The number of married men addicted to porn proves that addiction is rooted not just in loneliness, but in the belief that you need/deserve/are entitled to other people fixing your loneliness or general dissatisfaction. We are humans, we need connection, 100%. But if you measure all your value and self-worth on someone else's assessment and approval of you, you will be consistently disappointed.
It's hard, don't get me wrong. Ironically, the more you become someone who is OK alone, is a good person for the sake of it, has no expectations from people, and loves themselves; the more other people will naturally seek connection with you.
Get off the internet is the best advise we could give to all. No worse place for any human mind, let alone be addicted too. Yet here I am. On this internet. Not connected to others. Because everyone I know is also on the internet. NOBODY stays offline long enough to matter.
cringe
The internet is a stress amplifier
@@motomeetyou3655 Depends on where you go and who you interact with. It's mainly social media. And certain online games. Make that a lot of online....oh who am I kidding, you're right.
@@SimonWoodburyForget Agreed. Going offline for a while just makes me notice how few other people are offline. The world is filled with Zombies. If you can't beat them, join them.
@@chrisklugh I used to go online to hide from the world. This was in the late 90s and early 2000s. Now I go into the "real world" to hide from people. Almost everyone has their face buried in technology.
I have been dealing with loneliness my whole life. On my teenager years I was addicted to videogames and studying, and I spend a big part of my 20's beeing addicted to the gym. Things got better when I started having more compassion towards myself Now everytime I feel shame I try to 'counter' it with compassion. The shame and the loneliness are getting weaker with time.
Its very easy to be successful. Little things while you are on your lowest are the hardest, gotta be proud for not surrendering.
Now YOU get it my dude! Keep it up! You got my vote, chief!
This really puts my own addiction too pornography into perspective. I've never felt so lonely and misunderstood in my entire life. I don't really have anyone to do anything for (Except for my mom who is someone I just can't seem to connect with due too her being an entirely different person from me). I don't have any RL friends, no girlfriend, my family is pretty divided and I barely talk too anyone.... there's no meaningful connections that showcase love or affection for me. As a result, addictions fill the gaps in between because it's the only way I can get some sort of crumbs of what love and affection is like, even though I know that it's not REAL love and affection. I wish above all else that I could truly find someone in my life that I can make a connection with. A meaningful connection.
Delete the bookmarks start skateboarding 💪
@@manashieldworld Thanks for the advice? 😅
@@christscrackers647 I'm half-facetious. Great form of exercise that kind of forces you to get a healthier diet and also a great way to socialize with some other dorks.
Although nailing a trick or a line is addictive so shrug
Dr K has a video about addiction, where he says that it's about avoiding feeling. So, I don't know you, but I would say it's possibly not about giving you a feeling of something, but helping you avoid feeling actual things you don't want to deal with (i.e. real emotions) like a distraction. This is not intended as an attack, just an observation. I have my own kinds of addictions and problems also. And most people I think are distracted in a variety of more socially acceptable ways (like over eating and shopping).
@@Ruylopez778I also heard from dr.k that people who watch porn can suppress the feeling of pain. He used an example of one of his clients who's been working and watching porn at the same time to avoid unpleasant feeling
Male elementary teacher here. What you said is a thousand percent right. The instinct to hug a student in need of emotional support gets denied after having beaten into me that I can't do that. Every year, I make fun and rewarding relationships with my students, and towards the end of the school year, students always ask, "Is it okay to hug a guy teacher?" Great video!
I'm a woman and a former teacher. We were explicitly told not to hug a student and never to have the door closed when in a room alone with a student. The rules and expectations aren't different for female teachers, it's just the consequences and potential danger/liability for male teachers is a thousand times greater.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona We've been told never to initiate a hug, but if a student wants one and you're okay with it, a simple, quick side hug is fine (this was what I was referring to). Anything beyond that is a no-go, which I totally agree with. I just found that students' inclination to question the appropriateness of side-hugging female teachers vs. male teachers very much aligns with what the video touched on. The never-be-alone/open door still rightly holds up.
Kinda sad in some ways, understandable though. I can remember a retired Colonel who I consider my Father despite only teaching me for three years. Man came to my parent teacher conferences. We went camping with my best friend who's dad brain damaged and couldn't do anything, we bot ended up admitting that the man was our father. Most people at school hating him for being a hard A but damn I loved that man. Best teacher I ever had.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona I've worked in childcare as a man and I have experienced the rules and expectations for me being different than my female colleagues, including those who are less qualified than me. It absolutely does happen. Everywhere? Probably not. More often than you think? Probably.
@@Hemlocker childcare and teaching is not the same thing.
What helped me with videogame addiction was to uninstall all games on my computer. Since then I have no urge to play or download. Downside is that I watch more RUclips videos instead.
Edit:
I see improvements though. Videogame addiction left me little to no time for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, call friends. I got more time for that now. It has been 6 days since I uninstalled all games.
Log:
Week 2
Week 3 completed
Lol
Yeah ive deleted all social media but im fucking addicted to youtube and they’ve turned it into tiktok sort of content nowadays
Maybe you gotta take both down. I think RUclips is almost worse than gaming.
If you're into fighting games, see if you can participate in a local fighting game tournament in your area.
@@GuineaPigEverydayexactly the same for me. RUclips and Reddit is my crux. Problem is what do we replace that with?
Man I hate when you're right. I've been lonely most of my life. I don't share my feelings, I'm not touchy feely, I don't want my friends or family to be concerned about me. So I feel inadequate and feel like kindness given to me is undeserverd. So I bend over backwards to do for other people to get rid of that feeling which never works. Recently I got to know a girl better. She's great, beautiful, we share everything in common from what I can tell even our goals for future career and family are nearly the same. I'm not good enough for her. So I started working on myself. The more I work the worse I feel, like I'm hiding my true self which is worthless under a gilded mask. But I kept trying and kept talking with her. The mask slipped a few times and I vented my true thoughts about my inadequacy and self loathing. She was kind and encouraged me through it. I started fearing I'd lose out or be friendzoned if I didn't ask her so I did. Got turned down. Said she was working on herself and wasn't dating. She still wanted to be friends. Now I realize I've spent the months following alternating between likely annoying her trying to pay back what I feel I owe her and isolating myself from her to not annoy her. I've never met someone that makes me feel like she does. But I'm probably just latching on out of a selfish and desperate desire to be with the person that made me feel alive again.
How has nobody replied to you? Good job for doing those things so far! It sounds like the girl has had a positive impact on you. That's a good person to be around. Don't panic! Do you have a guy best friend? Or a platonic friend girl? Talk to them about it! You can do this, and they can support you. If you don't have that friend, or family member perhaps, let me be that person for you for a moment. You are doing well. Don't overthink it. This person is a positive influence in your life. Of course you need to have other social contacts too, to not overburden one person with your attachment, that's correct. See how that's also a positive thing, that you seek out and spend more time with other people as well besides her, because she sparked the motivation? Let this be a positive cycle in your life. She might have kicked you in the butt, but you keep rolling it forward yourself. I believe in you.
Also sometimes good things happen to us or people do good things to us without much trying. This doesn't make them a saint, they were just a good person at the right time. Dr K said, thank them, and move on. Don't live indebted to someone. Remember, you deserve good things, too, even if there's been a pause since you last experienced them.
You've got this dude!
Man, i know right now it feels like you're in a bad place, but I think youret on the right trajectory. Finding a group of people you can chat to might help. Like r/menslib might be a good place. They're a lot of men who talk about their feelings a bit more.
I got a hug tonight from a dude after doing a metric fuck tonne of litter picking & it absolutely made all the hard work & effort feel so much more worth it, was so grateful for it
This is absolutely true for the problem of addiction and loneliness. Dr.K is spot on again and clearly understands the importance of human connection.
He's an Addiction Psychiatrist. So it makes sense.
I really liked the recent stream in which he's been talking to really powerful person who's been capable of overcoming addiction
I remember a few years ago at the height of my depression, I had a dream where a girl I knew (a friend of a friend who I’d only met once a few years prior to the dream) had hugged me. In my dream, I started balling my eyes out because that hug felt so genuine that it sparked a rush of happiness that I hadn’t felt in years. The emotion was so intense that it woke me up and the realization that it was only a dream was so depressing that I just sat in a ball on my bed and cried profusely for about 10 minutes.
Not saying you gotta hug everyone but showing or telling the homies that you that you care about them, even in seemingly corny or sappy ways, can really mean the world. You never know what they could be going through when no one is around.
Bro. Fish oil, vitamin D3, self-massage, yoga classes, warm showers, volunteer at an animal shelter, or even foster kittens or puppies, there are also cuddle groups on meetup. Please take care of yourself.
You know it's getting bad when you're having dreams of just getting a hug followed by subsequent breakdowns. Its you body and mind telling you, screaming at you, about what it needs. You have my sympathies. Like the other guy said, please take care. Some of his advice seemed pretty solid.
I'm glad a lot of the things here are being said. However the Twitter part of this video is a perfect example of why most of us need to delete that app. Being surrounded by that kind of insane negativity every single day can't be good for your mental health. I only spent a few minutes a day on it and it completely warped my sense of what "most people think".
People should delete all social media unless they make money from it tbh! Does way more harm than good
Your last point there is the real killer, I think. It warps our perspective of what other people are actually like. If you just go out into the real world and talk to people, most people are pretty reasonable and not insane (with certain exceptions depending on where you are in the world, of course). But when we only see the most extreme, reactionary and inflammatory people, that must affect our psychology in a negative way. I think it probably puts people into a state of antagonism and defensiveness.
"Warped sense of what most people think".
That's exactly why twitter is downright awful. The site structure isn't really condusive for productive debates so it just leads to everyone yelling.
Three weeks of tinder convinced me to avoid women entirely.
Left that place two years ago, having been on there for over ten years prior. I'm never going back. Unfortunately, I replaced it with youtube, which isn't much better. A lot of negativity on youtube too.
Four years of struggling with porn and substance abuse, I locked myself in my room and did not socialize with any friends for a whole year. I'm slowly getting better now.
That’s the path I’m about to take right now…
As a dude in his early twenties with depression, social anxiety and a decade long videogame addiction history, also living with a manipulative family, I feel this.
I used to value them, but they don't care about me as a person. All they want is for me to do the house chores, study or have a job. But the moment I can't do any of those things, instead of asking me why, they get mad.
All I ever wanted since I stopped being a kid is for them to try and understand me. To let me leave my life in peace. I do want to help with house chores, get a job and make something out of my life, but these people make me suffer everyday, it's not worth helping them anymore.
The worst of all is that each day that passes my few friends I can trust move away, and I'm still stuck here. I can't trust anybody. The therapists I've been to didn't help either. I'm alone in my room everyday, and I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to give up, but as days go on I have less and less energy. I just want people who care about me. People who don't drain all my energy. I'm not asking for much.
I know that I can do everything I put my mind to, but I just don't have the strength to deal with life on my own anymore. With myself, and with these awful people.
I have a toxic family too. You’re not alone. Stay strong ✊
Sounds just like me do you have both parents of just 1 and which one
Don't give up bro! It seems hard when you are living it but there's a better life past this rough times. I've been trough some shit and what saved me is asking for help and remove myself from the enviroment. You might be surprised the thing people do for you when you are more open about needing a hand. So stay strong and don't listen to your own negative thoughts so much.
@@fzxio_ i have both, but one is the most toxic one, while the other one is more reasonable, but an enabler at the end of the day.
have you tried going to the gym? that might help
It's being a hell of a time to be alive.
I thank you reader for enduring this up, and I'd like to give you an e-hug, for that's what I can do for you now.
THE FACT THAT HE SAID WE'RE NOT PLAYING SWORDS WITH A PERFECTLY NATURAL TONE😂 I GOT SO CAUGHT OF GUARD IM DYING🤣🤣
that was hilarious love this so much
You're a good soul Dr. K. It is highly commendable that you have decided to help those struggling in this world. You bring hope and meaning to people. I wish you the best in life.
Was hitching the other week on my birthday. Brazilian chick gave me a lift and then gave me a hug. Best birthday present ever.
FAXXX MAN LISTEN 9:17 you gotta be the one to introduce yourself to others and fix it with other people by interacting daily! Real love and respect
As a man who receives very few hugs, I wouldn’t like women hugging me because they know men receive very little affection. It’s a form of compassion. They do it because they feel sad for us, and they want to help. I don’t need your help, I don’t want you to hug me because I need it, it should be spontaneous. I hope I explained myself
you mean you want to be hugged genuinely, not out of pity? I think it's a reasonable boundary
@@malachitestormPrecisely this
@@malachitestorm exactly
It's like my ex wife , having sex because she felt obligated but did not want it.
When I found that out I never tried to have sex with her again. I don't want sex with a woman not interested!!!!! . I'd feel like a rapist!!.
No way !
She left saying I wasn't filling her needs! Seriously, I went years with nothing feeling terrible because my wife could shouldered me.
It messed me up so bad that years later I know I'm damaged beyond fixing.
@@DeadCat-42 You are never beyond "fixing".
You are enough. Just as you are.
Sure, you have been through rough times, but it doesn't mean you need fixing
Loneliness is also likely to come with a lack of social skills and life experience and being clueless what to do outside of one's 4 walls, what the options are and where to seek them. Which isn't an unsolvable problem, but man does it add resistance
My experience is that it's much less difficult than I feared, and that a large part (though not all) of the resistance was internal. Though that doesn't mean the resistance is not "real" - it's very real, and I've been working very hard on it (therapy, journaling, etc). But it feels like there's a progress curve, where at the very beginning, even small amounts of effort can yield substantial rewards.
It sucks more when you try but you just.. don't fit in anywhere..
Om as outgoing and friendly as you can get and I haven't had a hug since before COVID.
When I was like 15 or less years old, I helped two little girls that were sisters (the older maybe was like 7) that were my neighbours, I helped them carrying water bottles (they were a lot) and spent more than an hour. When i came back home and my parents asked what was I doing, I explained what I did, obviously I did nothing wrong however my father warned me that I had to be careful when doing things like that because I could be perceived as a pervert, I didn't argue with him because I knew he was right but that's sad.
Edit: I have to add that they were carrying the bottles alone, that was in my residential complex and had no idea where they parents were
The sixth form I went to (age 16-18) was mixed gender obviously, but it was attached to a secondary school (age 11-16) that was an all-girls school. In like the first week or so of the first year, all the male students were taken aside and told - by a male teacher - to not let themselves be alone with a girl, for any reason. It's not even bad advice per se, it's just scary, and feels like an unfair imbalance.
I'm suffering with depression atm. I've spent the last 2 months in bed, I lost all motivation and interest in life.
I went onto antidepressants and it cleared my mind enough to look for help.
I live in Australia so due to my level of depression I get 12-18 free therapy sessions.
I've also gathered my closest friends to create a support group.
I also got a friend to help me go to the gym.
My point, talking to my friends and going out with them is helping.
You are blessed. I don’t have any friends to go to the gym with or to go out with to a mall or a park or something. I have my resentful gf and some dogs and some drugs to keep me company.
the last time i experienced human affection was over a decade ago. if you're a sub 5 man those things are simply off the table. something healthycopergg will never tell you.
@@topy706 sending virtual hug to you bro, keep grinding keep hustling never get up
@@SerekWaniliowy900 thanks mr meeks. those hugs will remain virtual, im afraid
What's a sub 5 man? Are you giving a numeric value to your looks? Are you saying ugly people don't have friends? I don't know what your definition of ugly is, but I think most people are capable of having friends, even if they are not beautiful. Even if they are bedridden with a disability, most people are able to have connection to others, via making friends on the internet or through friends and having guests. I don't think you are below human connection.
@@raapyna8544 my life experience does not confirm whatever you say
"This is a problem that can't be fixed on your own"
....we're fucked
i always blamed myself for my loneliness and isolation. guess i was wrong but it doesnt make me feel any better
Nobody will help us, especially not women.
@@thesaddestdude3575I mean if you're emotionally swatting at every woman for existing with a vag, then sure. It's no different than some women assuming every man is abusive or a cheater though. There comes a point where if you choose to treat all others a certain way because of xyz generalizations, you ultimately end up creating your own self-defeating cycles.
@@zapspiders92 Glad there’s so much optimism these days!
@@thesaddestdude3575no Superman is gonna save your butt g wake up your probably a grown man you’ve hear this a couple times man up and take action
I don't get one thing.
People say “Men are the problem” and then one someone like you comes with a solution to make men less problematic people start shouting “you are targeting men only”
Men are not the problem. Lack of connection is the problem.
Thats a product of (i understand it might be cliche, but its true, you can search of) cultural marxism/extreme left feminism.
Its basically what you said "men are the problem ... But they deserve no help" is basically a scape goat that they want to keep around.
Honestly some people are negative, and have always a problem with anything you do.
I'm a female and I watch these videos. I understand that from his experience (professional and personal), it's easier for him to talk about men. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care about women.
Becuase it's just irrational and unchecked misandry
@@SamStone1964 Can you expand on your point ?
as someone addicted to gaming ,weed ( alcohol in the past ) , chronically online and single in his 30s its spot on this one, you just stop carrying as years go by, and those things like achieving ranks in online games + smoking weed helps to cope with that feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose in real life. What i learned during my alcohol therapy is that there are no happy addicts
ye
drinking alone at 1am right as i watch this.
the preview clips in the beginning hit like a ton of bricks, but i don't see a way to change it, and even admitting it to myself feels pathetic or like whining.
it all hurts so much, all the time, but i just feel like absolutely no one cares.
part of me fears that i've already become so used to this state that i'll have internalized some sort of deep resentment towards life/the world, for not having anyone to care about me, such that if i ever do find someone who does, i simply won't be able to believe them, and they'll bear the brunt of a lifetime of neglect.
idk
As a woman I feel this too 😢 and the last part hits home. We’re all in it together
Here in Brazil men hug each other constantly. It's a common greeting ritual!
who tf is the player getting hugged every couple months, its literally been over a decade for me 😢
Guy who visits his grandma
He is not a player, he is a bad grandkid.
Probably someone who's very attractive
@@SimonWoodburyForget Haircuts once a week,positve aura and a great jawlin....eeeh,personality
someone who lives around comically large Venus Flytraps
The fact that they are shocked that over men going *months* without hugs really put into perspective how little contact I have with people. Months is nothing. Months suggests that people get hugs several times a year!
I was thinking the same thing, months lol
Women really don't have perspective on just how lonely most men are. (Even if not most, still a ton.)
When I heard that they were shocked that men didn't received hugs for months I was like "my last hug was 2 years ago and I'm 19..."
Months? I'm measuring decades...
My dad gave me a hug when I graduated highschool. And maybe when I was leaving home for a summer job in Greenland for two months, in 2019. I can't think of a more recent hug with him. I think I've hugged my mom since then occasionally, as a gift for the birthday or when we're saying goodbye. I almost always hug my closest friends when we say goodbye, even more often than my parents. I think my male friends don't hug their friends. I wonder if they hug their parents.
You have no idea the timing of this video in relation to my situation right now, these videos help me understand myself a little bit more with each video that is released. Thank you for your work.
Ive been struggling with loneliness almost all my life and in recent years I have indulged in many addictive behaviors which are hard to get rid off since they always come back because the loneliness never passes
@@catboy57392 aww we in this together fellow human ❤️
I hug my kids everyday since as far as I can remember and now when they are teenagers they come look me up for hugs - especially my sons.
God I hate twitter. That such a good tweet but twitter is such a whirlpool of negative emotion that almost nothing good can come out of that website unscathed. Twitter turns good people into villains. It's frightening.
I'm convinced that in the future we will look back on social media for children the same way we look back on smoking for children. "What the hell were they thinking? How did they not know they were fucking up their kids?"
@@Hemlockerjust smoke twitter servers. ez fix👍
You are correct, same thing for vaping and certain things certain people want to teach children that i cannot mention here
As an indian i wish had an uncle like you
Something so simple as a hug and quality time with someone is so meaningful to me. No one is saying to squeeze them but even a quick half hug will suffice. Thank you Dr. K 💕💕
Does anyone remember there was a thing for a little while some years ago where people would wear T-shirts or hold signs saying "free hugs" and they would go places and actually give out hugs to every stanger passing by who wanted a hug and there were viral videos?
Before MeToo and all that I expect?
I even remember seeing people IRL with those shirts at GamesCom, and me having cringe thoughts..
That was like 10 years ago. If I would encounter such person now, I'll do some hugs :)
People still do that. Most of the time you can find them at peace protests. There were people with "free hugs" signs at my recent pride event.
First time I saw free hugs was 12 years ago in Tokyo. I was a kid then and didn’t understand the purpose of it at the time.
Ppl still do it. It's just that we now the algorithms pay a lot of favor to negative & divisive content plus the next best trend of foolery. Much of the good stuff goes unnoticed these days.
I feel like me getting a random hug from anyone would make me feel uncomfortable. And if it’s only small and short it wouldn’t be enough to actually make a difference and magically “cure” my loneliness. Especially if it feels like more of a formality than genuine kindness designated towards myself which makes it meaningless.
I 100% agree. Also there is a culture of hugging at my workplace, and since I don’t feel comfortable participating in that, I have been labeled as uptight and an outsider. I don’t think bosses should hug their employees, because then it sets up this dynamic of favoritism and unclear boundaries.
That being said, I love hugs when an appropriate friendship has been established and neither person feels like their boundaries are being broken 😊
32 years old literally been isolated my whole life lol
48 here... At least you still have hope 😑
@@marcreiter5675 do I? Lol
@@Unchainedboar you do... Or, perhaps at 48 myself, I'm delusionally just telling myself I still do... Hence, delusionally telling you at 32 you do... 😅
40 and the same I've really been thinking of checking out lately.
@@LordofRacoons yeah I've been thinking about that for a long time, at some point I will...
First time he asked "why don't men hug" the first thing I thought is the notion "that's gay" and that's legitimately the reason
To be honest, I just don't like hugs from strangers and friends anyway. It's creepy.
No it's not. That thought says a lot more about you than it does about society.
Not everyone likes physical touch and that's fine. I've learned to ask people first if they "do hugs" or if they want a hug, even friends, and it feels good knowing that the person I'm hugging is okay with it.
@christianfaux736 I'm not saying I think that I'm saying that's what people are made to think. I don't think we get anywhere in life if we stick to one lifestyle and never understand and listen to others just because we don't like it, and that's what K tends to go into. It's an echo of a sentiment before the value judgement is placed on it. That's all
This video’s take really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in Unveiling Your Hidden Potential by Bruce Thornwood
Did Bruce Thornwood pay for this comment?
May be
INTUITION is 'knowing'
without 'knowing why'
its pattern recognition.
I'd love to connect with people, but I notice my thoughts are often trying to create scenarios or misconstrue what I want to say in that I'll somehow offend someone with what I say, so my communication ends up being very sterilized. I also notice I often tend to think of scenarios of how I will get in trouble (which I think I have trauma from), so I'm usually avoidant because of this and am harsh with myself. This is kind of the root of my social anxiety and why I'm consistently lonely today.
Have you ever looked into HSP, MBTI or enneagram? It might help.
Silly question, but have you tried going to meetups or events that pertain to your interests to socialize with people? Sometimes commonality goes a long way and may make conversations flow better. I wish you all the best, cheers.
@@biteofdog I've tried going to toastmasters for public speaking, and I've also gone to stores for hobbies I like, but my line of thinking is always a factor. I'm trying to work on that and be more aware of it, but it's really an uphill battle.
I can relate to this.
Try to look up fearful avoidant attachment style, and see whether that describes your current interactions with others.
Feel free to hmu if you wanna discuss that stuff
I can kinda relate to this. It's really hard. Just being aware of it is a big thing in and of itself. Something I've tried asking myself is: what is something that _I_ want to share? I spend so much time thinking about what others want to hear, what would be "acceptable" for me to share, what can I share that has the highest chance of eliciting a positive response. But if I try to push all of that aside and focus on the things that I actually value myself, that I would like to share with people, I find it slightly easier.
I can quit watching porn, playing games and engage in all the self-destructive behaviors, but eventually I get back to at least one of those things, due to the lack of relationships and the severe isolation/loneliness. I've done it multiple times (for long periods of time) but when there's nothing else to fill in the emptiness, I just don't see the point of trying and go to my old me. I'm sure that I can't get through this alone. No matter how much I improve myself, if it's only for me, there's no reason to sustain it.
Life sucks. At 31, I just want to end it!
Don’t give up hope. Even when it doesn’t seem like it there is always someone and some community that cares about you. Stay strong ❤
Why not join a church?
Love that very last tidbit.... "And get the hell off the internet!" 🤣🤣🤣.... Truer words have never been spoken
Thank you for speaking about this topic. It makes me feel more secure in my past actions. In high school I hugged EVERYONE I was remotely friends with. Not every single classmate mind you, but if I had a friend or two in a separate friend group, then everyone there got a hug. Every single day. I often look back and think “man, people must’ve thought I was weird af” but I do remember lots of people, men and women, saying “thank you”. Those memories along with this data makes me feel like I did a good thing and I genuinely hope those people return the kindness to others.
That's why i keep telling myself if I'm fixing my life from this situation than I'm the strongest person that ever lived.
He’s not wrong about the man/woman interactions. Real life example: I helped a coworker with a work project. Next thing I know he’s asking me to lunch everyday. Asking me to dinner every night. Buying me and bringing me gifts. He was a good man but it became too much and came across as overwhelming and stalker-ish. I just wanted to be treated like all other coworkers not a weird crush(or so that’s how it felt)????
Sadly that's what happens when you've been emotionally neglected for so long. Not fun for anyone involved.
@@gifi4facts
If somebody showed me that they were interested (romantically, not just helping me with something) I would be like that too lol, I’m been deprived of romance for my entire like and I’m 22
@@zyzyx4157 That’s the problem. I didn’t show ROMANTIC interest. The man was 15 years older than me and all I did was help him with a project at work.
@@zyzyx4157 y’all are such victims omg. not being in a romantic relationship isn’t “emotional neglect”
I have a much more complex problem with loneliness. At the peak of my social life, I had around 300 contacts in my phone. I still have women chasing me and sending me smiles and greetings on the street, most of them think that i am some rich dude because i like to dress sharp. But the thing is, after five years, none of these 300 people even ask how I'm doing. They only wanted to be in contact with me because I offered a fun time. Most of my relationships were extremely superficial.
Now, I don't have anyone in my life-no girlfriend, no real friends, no family. There are people who want to connect with me, but I find those connections to be superficial at best. The only "real deep connection" I ever had was with an ex-girlfriend six years ago. The lack of sincere, genuine contact in todays society is alarming.
What's superficial about the people who want to connect with you?
Well you've screwed up in some way haven't you? Obviously you need need to find out why you can't hold a relationship, because if you went through 300 people then you're common denominator.
I just want to make a reminder that most deep connections start superficially and then develop into something more. If you have women and men being friendly and interested in you, you are already luckier than the majority of us who noone even wants to say hi. So give it a chance, maybe try therapy as well during that journey to give you hope. Finding people to call real friends and family takes a long time, but since it's easy for you to make the start, I'm sure you can find what you are looking for.
Maybe ask them how THEY are doing.
Preach brother. There's a kind of beautiful irony in being aware of the why and how my life turned into what it did yet being utterly incapable of changing anything. All that's left are the superficial parasocial connections to internet creators which, to be fair, probably saved me when they came in the form of Dr. K interviews. What's really painful is that before I thought that loneliness was something I could overcome by myself and Dr. K's video on solitude really helped, for a while. I really hope the younger men watches this and take the opportunity to avoid ending up like me, 35 years old with no friends, never had a romantic relationship since I was 18 and a failure in all other aspects of modern life. Because yeah, video games and a lot of weed (like all day everyday) doesn't cut it anymore when it comes to not feeling lonely. A doctor literally laughed at me when I said that btw so not much faith left there. Sorry for the long comment. I really hate how weak I am to resist pathetically inserting myself in online things when sober...
Every comment helps the algorithm, and maybe someone will come by who feels similar.
Also, can you be sure the doctor laughed at you, or did he think you were telling a joke
"Weed doesn't cut it anymore for ... the lonliness" sounds like it could be a joke, one of those half true ones. That we're socially expected to laugh at because none of us are trained to deal with those kinds of feelings.
So, definitely reach out to a community for help, I think r/menslib is one of the better/kinder places for men. Best of luck
I'm at the point of my life where trying to find someone to experience intimacy or share life with seems like such a fruitless endeavor. The last six months were so psychologically rough, I felt genuine love for someone, something I haven't felt in years and I gave that person all I could muster and yet it led me nowhere. Ended the friendship because that thought is just too painful. The feeling of being stuck in a loop is really hard to shake off, I've been going to dancing classes, made a group to play volleyball, from the side it seems like things are happening, but the lack of interest I get, the lack of intimacy makes me feel so alone. I know in my heart that I can offer plenty but it feels like no one is willing to give me a shot, that thought is so depressing and demotivating, what's the point of this constant struggle if I have nothing to show for it. Dreams of a family, of a loving partner feel unachievable. Hobbies feel less enjoyable, life in general is less colorful. People are friendly, but they feel cold and distant. I'm still trying to move forward, but with every failure, the engine gets more clogged up, I feel like I'm barely holding myself together.
Why do you think you don't get interest?
there is no right or wrong or cured or sick just companies doing good propaganda for themselves and bad propaganda for others, just smoke the damn weed joint u will be fine, dont be addicted to being a sick victim
@@Sizifus if you give up then it's over. If you stop trying then that dreaded future of loneliness will become reality. I wish I had better advice than, "don't give up" but honestly I'm in the same boat.
But as long as we're still trying and holding onto hope there is a CHANCE. Whatever small it may be there is a chance. Its better than guranteeing loneliness by giving up. Its the best we can do.
I used to try and be kind to guys very often, but they would all get attached super quickly and in a really uncomfortable way. Today i'm much more careful and guarded with guys, because i'm tired of getting uncomfortable like that and having to explain that they're too much and/or having to get away from them. That's why i love this video and i'm happy that you're talking about this to men, but also explaining the problem really well and raising awareness of it to everybody. Really great video
26:05 "If they play like shit flame them"
Dr. K spitting pure wisdom
I grew up without a mom and would ruin myself everytime I went back to my ex and she knew it...Took me about a decade to build up the strength the isolate myself and be totally free of vices. Absolutely nothing but work but it can be exhausting.
months? My mom died in Sept of 2021 and my very first thought as she slipped away from a 2 year struggle with pancreatic cancer was. . . I have had my last true hug in life. . . still waiting to be wrong.
to be clear, they werent exactly coming every few months before she died. I could probably count my number of adult hugs on 2 hands at most lol
@@NoahWei42 Im sorry man, may she rest in piece, i hope you get a hug soon.
I'm more inclined to agree with Gabor Mate's view on addiction, as in that addiction is fundamentally a coping strategy to deal with inner trauma (invisible wounds). The addiction is less painful than dealing with the trauma, even if the addiction will ultimately be extremely harmful (alcohol/drugs/food specifically). That said, connection and therapy can be extremely beneficial in a) lessening the addiction itself and b) discovering the root cause of your addiction.
As psychologists, we shouldn't be focusing so much on the behavior. We should be asking ourselves why people are engaging in the (harmful) behavior in the first place.
I agree, but i will add, it gets to a point where the addiction, in and of itself, creates issues, that may or may not go away if the addiction goes away
I feel like we should acknowledge that the way some boys are deprived of hugs and emotional awareness is a form of trauma. Like how solitary confinement can be a form of torture.
Sometimes I spend weeks without speaking a single word; being lonely sucks.
For me it's almost always. I got used to it.
@mr.nobody2244 yeah it is what it is, nothing we can do about it.
start talking to yourself, thats what i do
Actually? I’m sorry, I feel like when I’m done with school that might happen to me
@@matty_daddy In my experience, if you don't manage to make a lot of friends and gain some experience with women in school, you will most likely end up alone.
What an amazing video, spot on as per usual. Just recently met a woman who's been kind to me and I'm having the issues that are expressed in this video. Once again you've been incredibly useful DR.K
Commenting to say I really appreciate how he's bridging the gap between "do good by your fellow humans" and "avoid men and treat them like dangerous creeps by default". These are conflicts of thought I've had myself, as I understand womens' reluctance to be available to men even in a platonic way and sympathize with it, but I also can't just ignore how the other side feels when all they ever experience is rejection and loneliness.
The pay it forward comment is great! We did some work training about positive interactions can’t remember the exact study but basically the positivity spreads to the next person and the next. Though it does diminish in intensity as you go on. It just gave me the mental image of all these stones dropping in a pool and spreading happiness ripples out. We need more of that!
Nobody will ever love me and I think my mental health has been getting worse. Hopefully someday the pain will be over.
Your thoughts are your reality. Change your thoughts change your life.
That's not true. That's just that negative voice in your head telling you that. You can do this. But you have to fight those thoughts. You can't start believing all that sht
It's quite a sad world that showing any sign of compassion is punished, while kicking others while they are down is greatly rewarded.
Moral of the story… stay off twitter lol
sooo true, king
Real
I know Dr. K is just trying to help and I think this is a great video, but can I be honest? As a 31 year old forever alone guy who has never even been on a date or held hands in my life - I don't want hugs from men...
I have amazing close friends, some of them for 20-25 years. It. Doesn't. Matter. No amount of friendship and platonic hugs can make up for being unwanted and invisible to women. My friends could hug me every single day and I would still be in the darkest pit of depression because I know that I'm not good enough for anyone to want in a relationship. Every day I see literal high schoolers walking hand in hand with their girlfriends. How do I ever feel good about that? How do I ever accept that I'm worse than someone half my age, despite trying so hard to improve myself for over a decade? No amount of hugs can ever make up for missing out on the most important developmental milestones. As I said, great video, but I'm sick and tired of people tiptoeing around the reality, which is that most men simply aren't wanted. It should be no surprise how many are checking out.
i think it goes even deeper, even if some ppl are "worthy" we just dont live in a time where that is something meaningfull, in ancient times or during war it makes sense to be worthy because u had tobe that in order to keep going, but now its all kinda meaningless and shallow, ask yourself if you really think a very attractive person feels really wanted or used, same goes for a very rich person or a very socially connected person, they all feel used at a certain point. ppl with lots of romantic partners are also addicts, addiction seems to be the base line of modern human condition.
thank you, finally someone said it
The anime was always right. Power of friendship and hugs does truly exist!
I hate how as a man you're expected to solve all your problems on your own as well as others. You keep your feelings to yourself, you're cold or withdrawn. You share your feelings, you're clingy or give women the ick. Can't win
Welcome to the male experience
I dealt with alcohol addiction for about 10 years, and something that I have seen is so much focus on others and connections and blah blah blah. But as an addict, I can tell you 100% that has nothing to do with others and everything to do with me. The moment that I felt good with myself and my thought and being alone, the need for alcohol left me. I used alcohol to escape from myself but the moment that I felt good by being alone, everything changed for the better.
I’m a woman and I struggle with isolation and loneliness too
Why?
That's really unfortunate. I hope you find people who value and appreciate you.
that's impossible tho
@@akfkodm True mate, she just wanted to comment to get some attention, Ignore her
I'm sorry. You deserve to be recognized and your feelings validated. One of the themes Dr. K speaks of is that no one group has a monopoly on suffering.
I actually got hugged just a week ago. A naughty thing happened at my friend's marriage party (nothing dangerous, but she got really upset). So me, she and our third friend were just laying in the same bed, hugging eachother and telling how we appreciate one another. The one that got married actually started it. I wouldn't even think about such a thing because it'd feel embarrassing. But it actually felt great. Even then I got thinking that we wouldn't have such an experience if we were men.
As a guy who’s lived in a uni dorm house with 9 other women i saw this a lot, and honestly i really envy it, not jealous, these were ppl i really liked, all really kind decent caring ppl that i still keep in touch with two years after moving out, but its so strange that societally speaking its so very normal for women to be intimate with each other platonically, and i mean like super physically intimate like on the couch just cuddled up together, hugging, laying alongside each other and such things. You can’t do that as a guy, and i mean you ‘could’ but ive never seen it unless someone was queer/gay/bi, its not socially acceptable, nor even something comprehensible, or normalised to the degree that you could ask it without being scolded/mocked for it. Nor can you really do it with women friends, i mean thats not socially acceptable or normalised, you’d have to be super close friends. It is very envious how casually women have physical affection in their relationships, ofc women have a lot more issues to deal with than men and ofc also struggle with loneliness but you do have that outlet that we don’t have, homies hugging homies is possible but rare, homies cuddling is out of this world. A scenario like ur describing is impossible. Weird that with women it can be normal but with men instantly gay and make u a pariah with straight ppl.
@@GuineaPigEveryday Hitting the on its head
Dr. Kanojia, you are the greatest social beacon of our time and a worthy successor to the esteemed Dr. Leo Buscaglia. No one I know of speaks so accurately and compassionately on the social needs of society. Spot on. Bravo!
Leo was great! Haven’t heard his name in awhile.
Hi any videos you guys recommend from Dr. Leo?
@@tiffanyapril5458 His lectures usually aired on PBS TV during their pledge drives. You can find some of them if you look up his name on RUclips. Of course, as they were filmed in Eighties and early Nineties, the video quality is not great. He also published a variety of books. Good luck!
Dam one of the realest topic I’ve seen been in this situation it sucks being alone for a long time. Being isolated can be good if building atomic habits but get out there and build relationships communicate as soon as possible cause longevity being alone for to long will be depressing trust, remember we are humans. We have to communicate with others not just with thyself
I am autistic, I always felt different, never fit in anywhere. I guess it's just my default state to be lonely. To be honest i don't know how can it impact my general wellbeing, I don't really crave relationships although I know they are quite important
100% the same.
Listen man if you should have start to feel like wanting one look up studies that show what women think of autistic men, you will give up fast its basically impossible.
bro this is me
17:57 absolutely brilliant insight and I'm so glad you spoke on it. A socially tuned-in person will sense and subconsciously mirror the awkward state of another
The last time I was hugged by a woman outside of my family circle was when I was 15. Now I'm 37. At 25 the last hope in me finally broke down and since then I just got used to it. Also, if a woman is nice to me, I automatically assume she wants to use me for her own benefit.
Its been 13 years for me since I've been hugged, not only are women never nice to me but at this point in my life I go days at a time without even using my voice or interacting with another human face to face at all. My dog dies last year and thats when it really hit me just how alone and pathetic I am.
@@Terepin64 It’s never too late for you man, there’s a woman out there who’s life you can bring love and brightness into like only you can. Be the best version of yourself for her, because maybe she’s feeling as hopless as you’ve felt.
@@xxMac4Everxx Even though I do appreciate the sentiment, I do want to point out that I'm 37, not 7; I don't believe in fairytales anymore.
@@Terepin64if you're no longer a child then it's time you also stopped indulging in the nightmare you've found comfort in. Fairy tales don't exist, but neither do night terrors. You're 37, not dead. As long as you're on that number line, it's anyone's game.
Same at that last part I’m only 22 but honestly thought I was the only one who was afraid women were trying to use me for entertainment or something
"Some men go months without being hugged"
I laughed and cried at this. Thankfully I get to hug my mom when I visit for Christmas, or I couldn't count the years on my fingers. I'm fine and loneliness isn't going to kill me anytime soon, but the way she reacted to that sentence made me really feel the difference in life experiences.
There's a transactional quality to socialising, the unfortunate reality for a lot of these lonely people is someone somewhere told them they have nothing to offer. They believed it and now the only social stuff they feel like they get to do is constant people pleasing.
This reminded me of something from my early 20s. I was at work and I saw a man who looked very familiar. I was still very awkward and shy but I felt like I needed to ask him a question . I walked up to him and said "Excuse me, would you happen to know a brother by the name of *insert my dad's name*?". Without saying a word he pulled me in for a hug. This was at a time where my life was shit. I was a broke kid, struggling to survive, with a job, a horrible home life, and an emotionally manipulative gf. That hug made me feel like the weight that was crushing me was lifted for a moment and that everything would be ok. He was my father's friend and he hadn't seen my family in over a decade. I still think about that hug sometimes. I'm 33 now
It was so rare for other men to feel comfortable hugging me or other men. What these friends had in common, is they have been physically assaulted by their parents and worked on their physical strength. With such a different circumstance, this affection was never awkward. this was charismatic, as they had felt no sense to believe their parents anymore.
This is in contrast with how we are taught that "us men" are punished for showing affection to other men. My father had told me to not cry in front of women, and I've had a decent relationship with him. That is how warped and extended this belief is.
After the first friend like that though, I had decided to hug any of my friends if they wanted, and that's the worst part.
Most still refuse, and some have killed themselves.
I like how deep he think and how he think about thinking and thinks about how other people think without thinking more thoughtfully. It's very nice. Makes things less black and white.
My fiancée never played online/multiplayer games. She recently started playing an online multiplayer game and she was weirded out by how many dudes DM her and ask her inappropriate questions or ask her to be their gf/wife/etc. As a dude, I had no idea it was THAT bad. We all know it happens, but to that extent? Eyes opened.
@@jorgeherrera1074 what did she play?
Privilege is inherently blind. I wish every man would just sit down with a female friend or relative and genuinely ask them about the harassment she has received from men in just the last week- and then just listen. Most men are not creeps but it only takes a couple of creeps to make sure every single woman gets creeped on multiple times per week.
It’s one of the reasons I stopped playing online altogether. The vitriol and creepiness is just too much.
@@aawillmadykes.
@@aawillmaAh yes, those "female friends" us lonely guys have 😭
I only have about 2 close friends. We used to hangout a ton when we graduated but now it's only every month or so, maybe more. I always hug my buddies, they're my best friends. There's no one I have more fun with! It's one of the reasons I'm still here
Maybe I’m just the weird one but I’ve never seen anything wrong with a hug. I reserve a dap up for a conversational emphasis, almost like an exclamation point is to a sentence. Hugs are for the homies. Embrace the people you love.
Facts! You're a real one
Brilliant video! Appreciate your work so much Dr K! I’m a straight trans guy so I’ve felt the need to “prove my masculinity” throughout my life while also being socialised to befriend girls. Friendship, romance, family - basically all kinds of intimacy and companionship I’ve “performed well” while internally taken a step back from, empty. And the concept of hugging has been complicated even though I’m a hugger at heart. I’m currently on a journey of becoming myself and connecting genuinely with others more:)
I’m 65, my wife of 9 years don’t live together but we made a deal to see each other overnight a few times a month while remaining loyal for now. I’m have more income so I treat. We both know that my spending is part of the motivation but I don’t mind. I feel deep down in a man’s world I owe her anyways. So that covers the human contact. I like living without others.
I've been feeling pretty lonely. The timing of this vid is perfect.
Currently in one of the loneliest moments of my life. It's so easy to fall into alcohol as a way of numbing myself. A few years in that same situation, and chances are high I'll be an alcoholic.
This video really struck a chord with me. It's so true that loneliness and isolation can be major contributors to addiction, especially for men. I think there's still a lot of stigma around men expressing their emotions and seeking help, and that needs to change. We need to create a culture where it's okay for men to be vulnerable and connect with others on a deeper level. Thanks for sharing this important message.
My opinin and what i feel. A woman hugging a man is different feeling than homie hugging man.
What feels different about it? Does it feel different when it's an older female relative vs a younger woman?
@@aawillma it's different because men don't notice older women or even see them as women. Men only see younger women as *women*
Not a reprimand as I don't know you, but so many women are left alone and there are no podcasts discussing the problem of female loneliness. It's only a problem when men experience it.
@@SusanaXpeace2u im not going to speak for your personal experience but you shouldnt go around speaking as if you know what the male experience is either, saying "men only see younger women as women" as this is simply not true and yes there are a lot of rotten men but there are way way more normal men and for that matter theres rotten women too, and yes female loneliness is indeed a problem however men are not exactly brigading against women for trying to be friends with them but women certainly are fearmongering the concept of men trying to be friends with women, dont you think if men had more experience with women in general they wouldnt be such creeps? its not that surprising that if theyve got hardly any experience socially interacting with women in a non romantic way that they end up behaving strangely, you cant be good at something youve barely ever done.
@@SusanaXpeace2ugo back to r/TwoX.
@@SusanaXpeace2u You say this and then for one woman like you there are 10.000 women who say that the loneliness men experience is irrelevant and that it's actually a privilege, that having a partner or not doesn't matter, that being desired doesn't matter, that we should just stop being whiny, and then we see how you guys are in happy relationships and get everything for just existing.
So what is it then? You all don't deserve empathy if you play life on easy mode. Empathy is reserved for people with problems. You can't be like "omg female loneliness is never taken seriously", when your group doesn't take it seriously. You all constantly say that men need to shut up about being lonely and that getting easy access to everything that stops loneliness is not a privilege. Make up your mind and when you are consistent then you can come back and demand sympathy.
Like, women say to men that they should stop crying about loneliness, because women objectively don't know how it actually feels to be lonely. This is the only explanation. Otherwise they wouldn't say this. Deductively, you are the one's that don't take it seriously.
This has to be shared.
/Hug Dr. K for being such a wonderful human being.