Improve your career using my code “HealthyGamer ” for 30% off on all their programs! Sign up for a FREE TripleTen career consultation with my link: get.tripleten.com/HealthyGamerGG #ad
Okay wait. You said to help addiction, get connection. But in another vid you said if people are lonely, and they don't like being alone, you said they should spend more time with themself. ...hm okay I think I get it. I have a little addiction here and there, but I like spending time by myself.. so to help my addiction I... seek more connection . Think i get it
@@jpjaye either a humidifier or it’s an electrical incense/ humidifier. They are very helpful in very dry and cold climates like in the mountains. Also they make the room smell nice. I can’t stand the oils smells though. It’s too strong. lol 😊
I agree, I've been focusing more on seeing friends and putting myself out there because even though I liked being alone I think it was partially copium for knowing that I just didn't have people around me with the same interests. Now I do what I like alone and find opportunities to see friends for concerts and other outings just to see people more regularly. Idk about you but I felt my social skills decline a bit and I had to work on it again
@@kungfuvoodoo9889 twitter is actually a tiny population. And if you pay attention, the people who have emotional regulation will take breaks from twitter. Also , a lot of people left for mastadon, bluesky, and threads people left who were trying to leave one element of twitter's toxicity or another. So, not only is it a small population, but people who have self selected to be more toxic. And if you lose faith in anything, lose faith in the algorithm. It's designed to amplify negativity. It brings out the worst of humanity and the worst of ourselves.
the lack of hugs is so real. i'm a guy in my early 20s and the last hug i had was in january of this year. my beloved pet died of cancer and when i took him to the crematorium, the old lady working there gave me a hug when she saw how bad i was trying to keep it together. i will always remember and appreciate her doing that. before that, fuck knows how long it had been.
I'm a guy and have noticed that my dad, while working his ass off and being kind to me and everyone he knows, has never really shown me a great deal of physical affection. It was contradictory to me for a while, but when my grandmother died when I was 16 (I'm 27 now) I realized that I honestly couldn't even remember when I hugged him the last time. Ever since, I hug my homies, my dad and my brothers whenever I greet or say bye to them. Fuck masculine stereotypes for real, it feels great every single time :)
@@cortesimerci35no he isn't. Men who are starved from affection tend to take out their emotional nonsense on women and sometimes children. Please hug one another and spare us.
Our son was right, we should watch you on RUclips more often, you are absolutely correct with your theories, thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts, I, as a mother, appreciate you.
@@N03xNemo Considering how lonelier, more hostile and more distant people are nowadays, it's no wonder why most of them become terrible parents. Hurt people hurt people. So this is truly a rare moment indeed. Kudos to this mom.
@jeebee_wtbd I wish you could lift his spirits by emailing him. You can tell him I wrote to you. Ever since he turned like 11 things have been soooo different for him, he is rebuilding his relationship with his father, thank God! May you be blessed everyday, all day for life Doc. xoxo Sylvia Leys
@@TheOutlierToday he didn’t flat out say it but if it turns out he does, we can talk about that when he responds. If I’m unfortunately right and they don’t, well then there’s not much conversation to be had then.
I was encouraged to offer a hug to one of my friends. I was told he would appreciate it. So I decided to give it a try. Yes, the first hug was really awkward and out of place... but then he started to hug me every time we met. Nowadays it's weird if we don't hug when saying goodbyes.
Girls figure this out as preteens, it's boys' turn! My son says I love you to his friends every night when he signs off from gaming. Do I question it? Shame him? Fuck no. The one time he brought it up to me all I said was, "it's good to tell the people we love that we love them, keep it up."
@@aawillma That would be my next step. Unfortunately, in Finnish "I love you" translates as "Minä rakastan sinua", and it sounds really weird and almost no one uses it. Instead of that, I've tried to tell my friends that they are dear to me.
@@SimTomSimmer you gotta hype up your homies!!! Tell them they’re handsome, tell them you’re proud, tell them you love them, be a good example of unconditional love. You lose nothing by being affectionate to your male friends. Don’t let any societal BS make it feel like you can’t do those things. You’ll have better friends than those who hold back cuz they think it’s not the done thing
I remember the first time I was shown concern for my well being. “Are you ok?” For someone who grew up in an environment where mental health wasn’t a thing, toxic work environment and years of depression these three words was life changing. I fell in love with that person and she was everything to me. I thought she was the answer to my loneliness and I was desperate to have her. But then she found someone else. Those were some hard months. But from that I learned the key to curing loneliness: not desiring. From letting go of the need to fill the void I no longer needed anything. I’m content. Yeah I still want to find someone but I won’t lose sleep if I don’t. Right now I’m happy where I’m at, I enjoy life on my own. I want but do not desire. I do want attention but I’m not needy for it. I am happy because I desire nothing outside of myself. I’m whole on my own.😊
I'm glad to hear you taught yourself some good lessons from that negative experience! Keep it up, having your personal happyness charted out like that, even a little is a very good thing!
Thank you for sharing. I think I might've been on the other side of being someone's emotional crutch, to fill their void in my previous relationship. And somehow reading this gave me some clarity- thoughtI might not have been in the exact same shoes as you-it helps me reflect and understand better what was going on in my recent breakup.
This is, unfortunately, the answer. The number of married men addicted to porn proves that addiction is rooted not just in loneliness, but in the belief that you need/deserve/are entitled to other people fixing your loneliness or general dissatisfaction. We are humans, we need connection, 100%. But if you measure all your value and self-worth on someone else's assessment and approval of you, you will be consistently disappointed. It's hard, don't get me wrong. Ironically, the more you become someone who is OK alone, is a good person for the sake of it, has no expectations from people, and loves themselves; the more other people will naturally seek connection with you.
Get off the internet is the best advise we could give to all. No worse place for any human mind, let alone be addicted too. Yet here I am. On this internet. Not connected to others. Because everyone I know is also on the internet. NOBODY stays offline long enough to matter.
@@motomeetyou3655 Depends on where you go and who you interact with. It's mainly social media. And certain online games. Make that a lot of online....oh who am I kidding, you're right.
@@SimonWoodburyForget Agreed. Going offline for a while just makes me notice how few other people are offline. The world is filled with Zombies. If you can't beat them, join them.
@@chrisklugh I used to go online to hide from the world. This was in the late 90s and early 2000s. Now I go into the "real world" to hide from people. Almost everyone has their face buried in technology.
I have been dealing with loneliness my whole life. On my teenager years I was addicted to videogames and studying, and I spend a big part of my 20's beeing addicted to the gym. Things got better when I started having more compassion towards myself Now everytime I feel shame I try to 'counter' it with compassion. The shame and the loneliness are getting weaker with time.
This really puts my own addiction too pornography into perspective. I've never felt so lonely and misunderstood in my entire life. I don't really have anyone to do anything for (Except for my mom who is someone I just can't seem to connect with due too her being an entirely different person from me). I don't have any RL friends, no girlfriend, my family is pretty divided and I barely talk too anyone.... there's no meaningful connections that showcase love or affection for me. As a result, addictions fill the gaps in between because it's the only way I can get some sort of crumbs of what love and affection is like, even though I know that it's not REAL love and affection. I wish above all else that I could truly find someone in my life that I can make a connection with. A meaningful connection.
@@christscrackers647 I'm half-facetious. Great form of exercise that kind of forces you to get a healthier diet and also a great way to socialize with some other dorks. Although nailing a trick or a line is addictive so shrug
Dr K has a video about addiction, where he says that it's about avoiding feeling. So, I don't know you, but I would say it's possibly not about giving you a feeling of something, but helping you avoid feeling actual things you don't want to deal with (i.e. real emotions) like a distraction. This is not intended as an attack, just an observation. I have my own kinds of addictions and problems also. And most people I think are distracted in a variety of more socially acceptable ways (like over eating and shopping).
@@Ruylopez778I also heard from dr.k that people who watch porn can suppress the feeling of pain. He used an example of one of his clients who's been working and watching porn at the same time to avoid unpleasant feeling
Man I hate when you're right. I've been lonely most of my life. I don't share my feelings, I'm not touchy feely, I don't want my friends or family to be concerned about me. So I feel inadequate and feel like kindness given to me is undeserverd. So I bend over backwards to do for other people to get rid of that feeling which never works. Recently I got to know a girl better. She's great, beautiful, we share everything in common from what I can tell even our goals for future career and family are nearly the same. I'm not good enough for her. So I started working on myself. The more I work the worse I feel, like I'm hiding my true self which is worthless under a gilded mask. But I kept trying and kept talking with her. The mask slipped a few times and I vented my true thoughts about my inadequacy and self loathing. She was kind and encouraged me through it. I started fearing I'd lose out or be friendzoned if I didn't ask her so I did. Got turned down. Said she was working on herself and wasn't dating. She still wanted to be friends. Now I realize I've spent the months following alternating between likely annoying her trying to pay back what I feel I owe her and isolating myself from her to not annoy her. I've never met someone that makes me feel like she does. But I'm probably just latching on out of a selfish and desperate desire to be with the person that made me feel alive again.
How has nobody replied to you? Good job for doing those things so far! It sounds like the girl has had a positive impact on you. That's a good person to be around. Don't panic! Do you have a guy best friend? Or a platonic friend girl? Talk to them about it! You can do this, and they can support you. If you don't have that friend, or family member perhaps, let me be that person for you for a moment. You are doing well. Don't overthink it. This person is a positive influence in your life. Of course you need to have other social contacts too, to not overburden one person with your attachment, that's correct. See how that's also a positive thing, that you seek out and spend more time with other people as well besides her, because she sparked the motivation? Let this be a positive cycle in your life. She might have kicked you in the butt, but you keep rolling it forward yourself. I believe in you. Also sometimes good things happen to us or people do good things to us without much trying. This doesn't make them a saint, they were just a good person at the right time. Dr K said, thank them, and move on. Don't live indebted to someone. Remember, you deserve good things, too, even if there's been a pause since you last experienced them. You've got this dude!
Man, i know right now it feels like you're in a bad place, but I think youret on the right trajectory. Finding a group of people you can chat to might help. Like r/menslib might be a good place. They're a lot of men who talk about their feelings a bit more.
Bro, @raapyna8544 has done a good job here. I'll add this: never assume you know yourself.. I learnt this late and always tried to give these "I'm a loser amd a spoilt goods" disclaimer when I meet a girl. It's a common symptom of low self Esteem and shame and I'm in therapy now. I realized that these symptoms not our identity neither are they permanent and if you're a Christian or don't mind having a powerful authority guide you, I'll recommend latching your identity to God by beginning to study the Bible. If you're not, please embrace the God you serve and study because your identity is far bigger than your moods. ❤❤
Cast a wide net. You’d be surprised what a partner could look like for you. Also, everyone is working on themselves that’s a bs excuse. She probably has some weird standard you don’t meet, and you’re LUCKY to not have progressed further and attached yourself more. Some girls only feel loved when you’re mean to them sometimes. It takes all kinds.
As someone whose love language is physical contact, ive been touch starved for years and its the worst thing. As someone already replied, i'll just copy paste his comment here: I think something people miss about physical contact as a love language, is that the person craves LOVING physical contact. As great as a massage is, it's paid and professional. As nice as a hug from family/friends is, it doesn't really satisfy longer than the hug itself.
@@JoePAcalaughs There is something from this doctor about this as well. You shouldn't fix an external symptom for an internal problem, something like that it was. I think it applies here.
@@krux02 Not sure exactly what you mean here, if you'd like to expand on it regarding internal/external that would be great. With my response above, I am addressing the physiological need for human touch, which the research is extensive on. As a massage therapist, while most clients come for pain or stress related issues, many clients are simply seeking and benefitting from physical contact due to the hormonal and physiological effects. No one should be deprived of physical touch. Regular massage, which requires trust and vulnerability as well, is a great healing modality on many levels.
Look into partner dance classes e.g salsa, tango, bachata You go as a single and get paired up, learn a new skill and get out of your own head + meet people
You're a good soul Dr. K. It is highly commendable that you have decided to help those struggling in this world. You bring hope and meaning to people. I wish you the best in life.
I'm glad a lot of the things here are being said. However the Twitter part of this video is a perfect example of why most of us need to delete that app. Being surrounded by that kind of insane negativity every single day can't be good for your mental health. I only spent a few minutes a day on it and it completely warped my sense of what "most people think".
Your last point there is the real killer, I think. It warps our perspective of what other people are actually like. If you just go out into the real world and talk to people, most people are pretty reasonable and not insane (with certain exceptions depending on where you are in the world, of course). But when we only see the most extreme, reactionary and inflammatory people, that must affect our psychology in a negative way. I think it probably puts people into a state of antagonism and defensiveness.
"Warped sense of what most people think". That's exactly why twitter is downright awful. The site structure isn't really condusive for productive debates so it just leads to everyone yelling.
Left that place two years ago, having been on there for over ten years prior. I'm never going back. Unfortunately, I replaced it with youtube, which isn't much better. A lot of negativity on youtube too.
I got a hug tonight from a dude after doing a metric fuck tonne of litter picking & it absolutely made all the hard work & effort feel so much more worth it, was so grateful for it
I remember a few years ago at the height of my depression, I had a dream where a girl I knew (a friend of a friend who I’d only met once a few years prior to the dream) had hugged me. In my dream, I started balling my eyes out because that hug felt so genuine that it sparked a rush of happiness that I hadn’t felt in years. The emotion was so intense that it woke me up and the realization that it was only a dream was so depressing that I just sat in a ball on my bed and cried profusely for about 10 minutes. Not saying you gotta hug everyone but showing or telling the homies that you that you care about them, even in seemingly corny or sappy ways, can really mean the world. You never know what they could be going through when no one is around.
Bro. Fish oil, vitamin D3, self-massage, yoga classes, warm showers, volunteer at an animal shelter, or even foster kittens or puppies, there are also cuddle groups on meetup. Please take care of yourself.
You know it's getting bad when you're having dreams of just getting a hug followed by subsequent breakdowns. Its you body and mind telling you, screaming at you, about what it needs. You have my sympathies. Like the other guy said, please take care. Some of his advice seemed pretty solid.
You have no idea the timing of this video in relation to my situation right now, these videos help me understand myself a little bit more with each video that is released. Thank you for your work.
Male elementary teacher here. What you said is a thousand percent right. The instinct to hug a student in need of emotional support gets denied after having beaten into me that I can't do that. Every year, I make fun and rewarding relationships with my students, and towards the end of the school year, students always ask, "Is it okay to hug a guy teacher?" Great video!
I'm a woman and a former teacher. We were explicitly told not to hug a student and never to have the door closed when in a room alone with a student. The rules and expectations aren't different for female teachers, it's just the consequences and potential danger/liability for male teachers is a thousand times greater.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona We've been told never to initiate a hug, but if a student wants one and you're okay with it, a simple, quick side hug is fine (this was what I was referring to). Anything beyond that is a no-go, which I totally agree with. I just found that students' inclination to question the appropriateness of side-hugging female teachers vs. male teachers very much aligns with what the video touched on. The never-be-alone/open door still rightly holds up.
Kinda sad in some ways, understandable though. I can remember a retired Colonel who I consider my Father despite only teaching me for three years. Man came to my parent teacher conferences. We went camping with my best friend who's dad brain damaged and couldn't do anything, we bot ended up admitting that the man was our father. Most people at school hating him for being a hard A but damn I loved that man. Best teacher I ever had.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona I've worked in childcare as a man and I have experienced the rules and expectations for me being different than my female colleagues, including those who are less qualified than me. It absolutely does happen. Everywhere? Probably not. More often than you think? Probably.
Four years of struggling with porn and substance abuse, I locked myself in my room and did not socialize with any friends for a whole year. I'm slowly getting better now.
I used to try and be kind to guys very often, but they would all get attached super quickly and in a really uncomfortable way. Today i'm much more careful and guarded with guys, because i'm tired of getting uncomfortable like that and having to explain that they're too much and/or having to get away from them. That's why i love this video and i'm happy that you're talking about this to men, but also explaining the problem really well and raising awareness of it to everybody. Really great video
Same here, i was kind with some men, they got way to attached, way to touchy, they thought i was romantically interested, i was soo uncomfortable i had to run away from them. I just wanted to be kind
Yeah that’s a thing. We’re willing to date really any girl that’s nice to us. That’s often taken advantage of and the affection is trickled out in exchange for things. And that’s like… man.. 50% of relationships men are in? More? You have to basically have an autistic conversation and overtly tell them you’re not after anything serious. Women often know this and like I said don’t do so because they benefit. Idk we’re told to shut the hell up when we talk about our issues.
@@stephengrant4841it’s not an excuse to make women uncomfortable. If a woman doesn’t outwardly say she’s into you, you shouldn’t be getting so close to her in a intimate way without consent
It's being a hell of a time to be alive. I thank you reader for enduring this up, and I'd like to give you an e-hug, for that's what I can do for you now.
What helped me with videogame addiction was to uninstall all games on my computer. Since then I have no urge to play or download. Downside is that I watch more RUclips videos instead. Edit: I see improvements though. Videogame addiction left me little to no time for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, call friends. I got more time for that now. It has been 6 days since I uninstalled all games. Log: Week 2 Week 3 completed
Ive been struggling with loneliness almost all my life and in recent years I have indulged in many addictive behaviors which are hard to get rid off since they always come back because the loneliness never passes
I can quit watching porn, playing games and engage in all the self-destructive behaviors, but eventually I get back to at least one of those things, due to the lack of relationships and the severe isolation/loneliness. I've done it multiple times (for long periods of time) but when there's nothing else to fill in the emptiness, I just don't see the point of trying and go to my old me. I'm sure that I can't get through this alone. No matter how much I improve myself, if it's only for me, there's no reason to sustain it. Life sucks. At 31, I just want to end it!
Join a church, connect with the people in the church. You can try different church communities to check if you can fit in. Honestly in my experience, the connection to people in my church helps me to keep sane and feed me the courage to keep reducing porn consumption even tho I don't talk about this addiction to them 😅 Yeah I think it's about the connection that matters to me
@ward6238 yes 100% Yeshua Hamaschiah will fulfill your emptiness. I feel joy and love ❤️ bc I have Our Creator Most High God's approval. I start to exude this with others. You need His grace mercy and live. Let Him change your life. He is changing mine. He is soooo good to us. Trust His ability to kill these addictions in your life.
The study you talked about relating to rat park is one of the most important study that has ever been conducted in addiction research and I wish more people knew about it
as someone addicted to gaming ,weed ( alcohol in the past ) , chronically online and single in his 30s its spot on this one, you just stop carrying as years go by, and those things like achieving ranks in online games + smoking weed helps to cope with that feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose in real life. What i learned during my alcohol therapy is that there are no happy addicts
Loneliness is also likely to come with a lack of social skills and life experience and being clueless what to do outside of one's 4 walls, what the options are and where to seek them. Which isn't an unsolvable problem, but man does it add resistance
My experience is that it's much less difficult than I feared, and that a large part (though not all) of the resistance was internal. Though that doesn't mean the resistance is not "real" - it's very real, and I've been working very hard on it (therapy, journaling, etc). But it feels like there's a progress curve, where at the very beginning, even small amounts of effort can yield substantial rewards.
Thank you for speaking about this topic. It makes me feel more secure in my past actions. In high school I hugged EVERYONE I was remotely friends with. Not every single classmate mind you, but if I had a friend or two in a separate friend group, then everyone there got a hug. Every single day. I often look back and think “man, people must’ve thought I was weird af” but I do remember lots of people, men and women, saying “thank you”. Those memories along with this data makes me feel like I did a good thing and I genuinely hope those people return the kindness to others.
As a dude in his early twenties with depression, social anxiety and a decade long videogame addiction history, also living with a manipulative family, I feel this. I used to value them, but they don't care about me as a person. All they want is for me to do the house chores, study or have a job. But the moment I can't do any of those things, instead of asking me why, they get mad. All I ever wanted since I stopped being a kid is for them to try and understand me. To let me leave my life in peace. I do want to help with house chores, get a job and make something out of my life, but these people make me suffer everyday, it's not worth helping them anymore. The worst of all is that each day that passes my few friends I can trust move away, and I'm still stuck here. I can't trust anybody. The therapists I've been to didn't help either. I'm alone in my room everyday, and I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to give up, but as days go on I have less and less energy. I just want people who care about me. People who don't drain all my energy. I'm not asking for much. I know that I can do everything I put my mind to, but I just don't have the strength to deal with life on my own anymore. With myself, and with these awful people.
Don't give up bro! It seems hard when you are living it but there's a better life past this rough times. I've been trough some shit and what saved me is asking for help and remove myself from the enviroment. You might be surprised the thing people do for you when you are more open about needing a hand. So stay strong and don't listen to your own negative thoughts so much.
Something so simple as a hug and quality time with someone is so meaningful to me. No one is saying to squeeze them but even a quick half hug will suffice. Thank you Dr. K 💕💕
drinking alone at 1am right as i watch this. the preview clips in the beginning hit like a ton of bricks, but i don't see a way to change it, and even admitting it to myself feels pathetic or like whining. it all hurts so much, all the time, but i just feel like absolutely no one cares. part of me fears that i've already become so used to this state that i'll have internalized some sort of deep resentment towards life/the world, for not having anyone to care about me, such that if i ever do find someone who does, i simply won't be able to believe them, and they'll bear the brunt of a lifetime of neglect. idk
Noah, * pun intended, but you literally were the last hope when the world gave up. I'm in therapy after 18 years of being in this cruel painful emotional state and I know one thing for sure now: we (me and you) underestimate the extremely high ability of the human mind to learn and change things in the long term (even traumatic and internalized routines). I'm getting closer to my deeper self by understanding more about the rules of life. I recommend you get the book: "Mind over mood 2nd edition" and get to work. Also wanna read Dr Jordan Peterson's "12 rules for life" and Matk Manson's "Subtle art of not giving a f**"
I'm at the point of my life where trying to find someone to experience intimacy or share life with seems like such a fruitless endeavor. The last six months were so psychologically rough, I felt genuine love for someone, something I haven't felt in years and I gave that person all I could muster and yet it led me nowhere. Ended the friendship because that thought is just too painful. The feeling of being stuck in a loop is really hard to shake off, I've been going to dancing classes, made a group to play volleyball, from the side it seems like things are happening, but the lack of interest I get, the lack of intimacy makes me feel so alone. I know in my heart that I can offer plenty but it feels like no one is willing to give me a shot, that thought is so depressing and demotivating, what's the point of this constant struggle if I have nothing to show for it. Dreams of a family, of a loving partner feel unachievable. Hobbies feel less enjoyable, life in general is less colorful. People are friendly, but they feel cold and distant. I'm still trying to move forward, but with every failure, the engine gets more clogged up, I feel like I'm barely holding myself together.
there is no right or wrong or cured or sick just companies doing good propaganda for themselves and bad propaganda for others, just smoke the damn weed joint u will be fine, dont be addicted to being a sick victim
@@Sizifus if you give up then it's over. If you stop trying then that dreaded future of loneliness will become reality. I wish I had better advice than, "don't give up" but honestly I'm in the same boat. But as long as we're still trying and holding onto hope there is a CHANCE. Whatever small it may be there is a chance. Its better than guranteeing loneliness by giving up. Its the best we can do.
That's not true. That's just that negative voice in your head telling you that. You can do this. But you have to fight those thoughts. You can't start believing all that sht
God I hate twitter. That such a good tweet but twitter is such a whirlpool of negative emotion that almost nothing good can come out of that website unscathed. Twitter turns good people into villains. It's frightening.
I'm convinced that in the future we will look back on social media for children the same way we look back on smoking for children. "What the hell were they thinking? How did they not know they were fucking up their kids?"
17:57 absolutely brilliant insight and I'm so glad you spoke on it. A socially tuned-in person will sense and subconsciously mirror the awkward state of another
I don't get one thing. People say “Men are the problem” and then one someone like you comes with a solution to make men less problematic people start shouting “you are targeting men only”
Thats a product of (i understand it might be cliche, but its true, you can search of) cultural marxism/extreme left feminism. Its basically what you said "men are the problem ... But they deserve no help" is basically a scape goat that they want to keep around.
Honestly some people are negative, and have always a problem with anything you do. I'm a female and I watch these videos. I understand that from his experience (professional and personal), it's easier for him to talk about men. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care about women.
When I was like 15 or less years old, I helped two little girls that were sisters (the older maybe was like 7) that were my neighbours, I helped them carrying water bottles (they were a lot) and spent more than an hour. When i came back home and my parents asked what was I doing, I explained what I did, obviously I did nothing wrong however my father warned me that I had to be careful when doing things like that because I could be perceived as a pervert, I didn't argue with him because I knew he was right but that's sad. Edit: I have to add that they were carrying the bottles alone, that was in my residential complex and had no idea where they parents were
The sixth form I went to (age 16-18) was mixed gender obviously, but it was attached to a secondary school (age 11-16) that was an all-girls school. In like the first week or so of the first year, all the male students were taken aside and told - by a male teacher - to not let themselves be alone with a girl, for any reason. It's not even bad advice per se, it's just scary, and feels like an unfair imbalance.
Asking where the parents are is very important. For your safety as well. Not only 1/3. Sometimes it’s happened to women multiple times. That’s scary and will unknowingly affect a women’s nervous system for decades.
People tell me that men and women experience the same social problems, such as loneliness. But then the same people say, "You don't have to worry about that because you're a man" when I tell them about physical flaws that make me insecure. Men get self-conscious over facial imperfections. I don't like that I have acne scars that are the result of the severe acne I had when I was a teenager. If you're a teenager who suffers from acne, you can feel somewhat hopeful because acne decreases with age. But acne scars are permanent. Someone told me, "You're a guy. You're supposed to look rugged," which is something no one would ever say to a woman. I feel better about this because I've had procedures like TCA Cross and Fraxel, but it's something I've had to overcome on my own. Men have emotions, which means they get upset when something is wrong with their faces or bodies. We get upset if we're too fat or too thin. My ex-girlfriend told me that only women have to worry about their weight, and men aren't judged for it. I'm not saying women don't feel self-conscious about their weight, but they talk about it like it's a problem exclusive to their gender. I've gone through a lot of health problems that are physically and mentally painful. I have chronic headaches and joint pain. But all of that seems insignificant because of my hair loss, which is a common problem, but it's the problem I hate most about myself. The only reason I'm not suicidal is because I've found a strong combination of drugs, which have thickened my hair and have stopped the further progression of my hair loss. I can't emphasize enough how devastating this is for men and women. There are RUclips channels and online forums dedicated to hair loss treatments, and if you read them, you'll find out that I'm just one of millions of people who go through these psychological effects. Dutasteride and oral minoxidil are miracle drugs that changed my life. They are more important than any drugs psychiatrists have given me, and they are a lot more helpful than therapy. All of my therapists have been useless and don't consider hair loss a problem, even though it makes people suicidal. You're probably wondering why I'm talking so much about hair loss in a comment about mental health problems men experience. It's because people repeatedly tell us that we shouldn't worry about our hair because we're men. My ex-girlfriend tried to convince me that hair loss only psychologically affects men. The worst thing you can say to someone who is upset over their hair loss is "Accept it," which is what doctors have told me. When you tell men that a disease they have doesn't matter, you are telling them that their mental health doesn't matter. You are telling them that their suicidality doesn't matter. The solution is to use medical treatments, which is what you would do for any other physical or mental illness. It's time to recognize that men are humans, which means that we have emotions. We need to be more supportive of one another, and we need to acknowledge problems in order to find solutions. "Get over it" is not a solution.
There's a transactional quality to socialising, the unfortunate reality for a lot of these lonely people is someone somewhere told them they have nothing to offer. They believed it and now the only social stuff they feel like they get to do is constant people pleasing.
I'd love to connect with people, but I notice my thoughts are often trying to create scenarios or misconstrue what I want to say in that I'll somehow offend someone with what I say, so my communication ends up being very sterilized. I also notice I often tend to think of scenarios of how I will get in trouble (which I think I have trauma from), so I'm usually avoidant because of this and am harsh with myself. This is kind of the root of my social anxiety and why I'm consistently lonely today.
Silly question, but have you tried going to meetups or events that pertain to your interests to socialize with people? Sometimes commonality goes a long way and may make conversations flow better. I wish you all the best, cheers.
@@biteofdog I've tried going to toastmasters for public speaking, and I've also gone to stores for hobbies I like, but my line of thinking is always a factor. I'm trying to work on that and be more aware of it, but it's really an uphill battle.
I can relate to this. Try to look up fearful avoidant attachment style, and see whether that describes your current interactions with others. Feel free to hmu if you wanna discuss that stuff
I can kinda relate to this. It's really hard. Just being aware of it is a big thing in and of itself. Something I've tried asking myself is: what is something that _I_ want to share? I spend so much time thinking about what others want to hear, what would be "acceptable" for me to share, what can I share that has the highest chance of eliciting a positive response. But if I try to push all of that aside and focus on the things that I actually value myself, that I would like to share with people, I find it slightly easier.
Dr. Kanojia, you are the greatest social beacon of our time and a worthy successor to the esteemed Dr. Leo Buscaglia. No one I know of speaks so accurately and compassionately on the social needs of society. Spot on. Bravo!
@@tiffanyapril5458 His lectures usually aired on PBS TV during their pledge drives. You can find some of them if you look up his name on RUclips. Of course, as they were filmed in Eighties and early Nineties, the video quality is not great. He also published a variety of books. Good luck!
As a man who receives very few hugs, I wouldn’t like women hugging me because they know men receive very little affection. It’s a form of compassion. They do it because they feel sad for us, and they want to help. I don’t need your help, I don’t want you to hug me because I need it, it should be spontaneous. I hope I explained myself
It's like my ex wife , having sex because she felt obligated but did not want it. When I found that out I never tried to have sex with her again. I don't want sex with a woman not interested!!!!! . I'd feel like a rapist!!. No way ! She left saying I wasn't filling her needs! Seriously, I went years with nothing feeling terrible because my wife could shouldered me. It messed me up so bad that years later I know I'm damaged beyond fixing.
@@DeadCat-42 You are never beyond "fixing". You are enough. Just as you are. Sure, you have been through rough times, but it doesn't mean you need fixing
I’m in therapy now for anxiety and past sexual violence. I am hoping I can recover and maybe meet my person. Statistically there are MANY potential perfect partners you could meet, you just have to try and talk and I haven’t been doing that. I’m so afraid wonen will abuse or rape me that I avoid doing anything but working
What an amazing video, spot on as per usual. Just recently met a woman who's been kind to me and I'm having the issues that are expressed in this video. Once again you've been incredibly useful DR.K
I like how deep he think and how he think about thinking and thinks about how other people think without thinking more thoughtfully. It's very nice. Makes things less black and white.
I am autistic, I always felt different, never fit in anywhere. I guess it's just my default state to be lonely. To be honest i don't know how can it impact my general wellbeing, I don't really crave relationships although I know they are quite important
Listen man if you should have start to feel like wanting one look up studies that show what women think of autistic men, you will give up fast its basically impossible.
In my teenage years I had a deep and severe depression and it was a constant. One day at school around lunch time I was ruminating with sadness to the point I was on the verge of tears. It was a real bad moment. Some girl from the grade above me saw how distressed I was and walked over to me and worriedly asked me if I was ok and I shook my head no, and she gave me the kindest, most heartfelt hug I'd ever received of my life that I'll never forget. Immediately I felt a massive weight fall off me and my episode of distress dropped considerably. I think I thanked her and scurried off, I don't remember precisely, this was over 20 years ago. You might change someone's life, or at least day, by offering a gesture that costs nothing.
I’m 20 years old, I was bullied and neglected by my peers my entire life. I’ve always been incredibly lonely and started drinking and smoking copious amounts everyday just so I didn’t feel me. 5 days ago I decided to give those things up and try to be happier. I have zero friends and am not the most attractive person, and it sure doesn’t help my self esteem is incredibly low and my anxiety is incredibly high. There is nothing I want more in this life is to have someone to talk to. I had knee surgery today and am in a ton of pain and I’ve never felt more alone and helpless and I really want to get better and be happy but I have no idea what I can do and I’m scared I’m going to fall back into my addictions.
@@itchydino15 that’s really strong of you to try to be happier! I do relate to that though, I’m anxious all the time for seemingly no reason. Hope the surgery went well though! Of course I could try to give some advice but honestly idk much more than the standard replies that don’t really help. For the addiction, don’t keep any at your place so you don’t have easy access to it. But yeah much strength to you 🍀
@@aawillma it's different because men don't notice older women or even see them as women. Men only see younger women as *women* Not a reprimand as I don't know you, but so many women are left alone and there are no podcasts discussing the problem of female loneliness. It's only a problem when men experience it.
@@SusanaXpeace2u im not going to speak for your personal experience but you shouldnt go around speaking as if you know what the male experience is either, saying "men only see younger women as women" as this is simply not true and yes there are a lot of rotten men but there are way way more normal men and for that matter theres rotten women too, and yes female loneliness is indeed a problem however men are not exactly brigading against women for trying to be friends with them but women certainly are fearmongering the concept of men trying to be friends with women, dont you think if men had more experience with women in general they wouldnt be such creeps? its not that surprising that if theyve got hardly any experience socially interacting with women in a non romantic way that they end up behaving strangely, you cant be good at something youve barely ever done.
@@SusanaXpeace2u You say this and then for one woman like you there are 10.000 women who say that the loneliness men experience is irrelevant and that it's actually a privilege, that having a partner or not doesn't matter, that being desired doesn't matter, that we should just stop being whiny, and then we see how you guys are in happy relationships and get everything for just existing. So what is it then? You all don't deserve empathy if you play life on easy mode. Empathy is reserved for people with problems. You can't be like "omg female loneliness is never taken seriously", when your group doesn't take it seriously. You all constantly say that men need to shut up about being lonely and that getting easy access to everything that stops loneliness is not a privilege. Make up your mind and when you are consistent then you can come back and demand sympathy. Like, women say to men that they should stop crying about loneliness, because women objectively don't know how it actually feels to be lonely. This is the only explanation. Otherwise they wouldn't say this. Deductively, you are the one's that don't take it seriously.
I hate how as a man you're expected to solve all your problems on your own as well as others. You keep your feelings to yourself, you're cold or withdrawn. You share your feelings, you're clingy or give women the ick. Can't win
Dam one of the realest topic I’ve seen been in this situation it sucks being alone for a long time. Being isolated can be good if building atomic habits but get out there and build relationships communicate as soon as possible cause longevity being alone for to long will be depressing trust, remember we are humans. We have to communicate with others not just with thyself
The pay it forward comment is great! We did some work training about positive interactions can’t remember the exact study but basically the positivity spreads to the next person and the next. Though it does diminish in intensity as you go on. It just gave me the mental image of all these stones dropping in a pool and spreading happiness ripples out. We need more of that!
I have a much more complex problem with loneliness. At the peak of my social life, I had around 300 contacts in my phone. I still have women chasing me and sending me smiles and greetings on the street, most of them think that i am some rich dude because i like to dress sharp. But the thing is, after five years, none of these 300 people even ask how I'm doing. They only wanted to be in contact with me because I offered a fun time. Most of my relationships were extremely superficial. Now, I don't have anyone in my life-no girlfriend, no real friends, no family. There are people who want to connect with me, but I find those connections to be superficial at best. The only "real deep connection" I ever had was with an ex-girlfriend six years ago. The lack of sincere, genuine contact in todays society is alarming.
Well you've screwed up in some way haven't you? Obviously you need need to find out why you can't hold a relationship, because if you went through 300 people then you're common denominator.
I just want to make a reminder that most deep connections start superficially and then develop into something more. If you have women and men being friendly and interested in you, you are already luckier than the majority of us who noone even wants to say hi. So give it a chance, maybe try therapy as well during that journey to give you hope. Finding people to call real friends and family takes a long time, but since it's easy for you to make the start, I'm sure you can find what you are looking for.
I feel like me getting a random hug from anyone would make me feel uncomfortable. And if it’s only small and short it wouldn’t be enough to actually make a difference and magically “cure” my loneliness. Especially if it feels like more of a formality than genuine kindness designated towards myself which makes it meaningless.
I 100% agree. Also there is a culture of hugging at my workplace, and since I don’t feel comfortable participating in that, I have been labeled as uptight and an outsider. I don’t think bosses should hug their employees, because then it sets up this dynamic of favoritism and unclear boundaries. That being said, I love hugs when an appropriate friendship has been established and neither person feels like their boundaries are being broken 😊
This video really struck a chord with me. It's so true that loneliness and isolation can be major contributors to addiction, especially for men. I think there's still a lot of stigma around men expressing their emotions and seeking help, and that needs to change. We need to create a culture where it's okay for men to be vulnerable and connect with others on a deeper level. Thanks for sharing this important message.
It feels so good to listen to someone thats sound of mind and logical and reasonable and kind. I’ve been troubled by someone whose unfair and judgemental and rude and toxic, it feels so good to hear Dr. K right now.
I'm more inclined to agree with Gabor Mate's view on addiction, as in that addiction is fundamentally a coping strategy to deal with inner trauma (invisible wounds). The addiction is less painful than dealing with the trauma, even if the addiction will ultimately be extremely harmful (alcohol/drugs/food specifically). That said, connection and therapy can be extremely beneficial in a) lessening the addiction itself and b) discovering the root cause of your addiction. As psychologists, we shouldn't be focusing so much on the behavior. We should be asking ourselves why people are engaging in the (harmful) behavior in the first place.
I agree, but i will add, it gets to a point where the addiction, in and of itself, creates issues, that may or may not go away if the addiction goes away
I feel like we should acknowledge that the way some boys are deprived of hugs and emotional awareness is a form of trauma. Like how solitary confinement can be a form of torture.
"some men go months without being hugged" Months? Is it just me that can sometimes go multiple years without a hug or any real physical human contact that wasn't accidental?
The fact that they are shocked that over men going *months* without hugs really put into perspective how little contact I have with people. Months is nothing. Months suggests that people get hugs several times a year!
My dad gave me a hug when I graduated highschool. And maybe when I was leaving home for a summer job in Greenland for two months, in 2019. I can't think of a more recent hug with him. I think I've hugged my mom since then occasionally, as a gift for the birthday or when we're saying goodbye. I almost always hug my closest friends when we say goodbye, even more often than my parents. I think my male friends don't hug their friends. I wonder if they hug their parents.
I’m currently going through some crap in my life. Waiting to have some access to mental health resources( seeing a therapist, might need meds idk) but your channel has helped me to cut through some of the fog in my mind while I wait. Please keep making these videos they help a lot, and I just wanted to say thanks for the help.
I think you're missing an obvious point, men dont want to hug men they want to hug women, they very thing they could be deprived of. To say its just all down to social conditioning is not the full picture.
@@thesaddestdude3575I mean if you're emotionally swatting at every woman for existing with a vag, then sure. It's no different than some women assuming every man is abusive or a cheater though. There comes a point where if you choose to treat all others a certain way because of xyz generalizations, you ultimately end up creating your own self-defeating cycles.
Commenting to say I really appreciate how he's bridging the gap between "do good by your fellow humans" and "avoid men and treat them like dangerous creeps by default". These are conflicts of thought I've had myself, as I understand womens' reluctance to be available to men even in a platonic way and sympathize with it, but I also can't just ignore how the other side feels when all they ever experience is rejection and loneliness.
“Women have been responsible for men’s problems” argument is super weird to me. Every friendship I’ve had with a woman has included hours and hours of unreciprocated “emotional labor”. I hate the term “emotional labor”.
Brilliant video! Appreciate your work so much Dr K! I’m a straight trans guy so I’ve felt the need to “prove my masculinity” throughout my life while also being socialised to befriend girls. Friendship, romance, family - basically all kinds of intimacy and companionship I’ve “performed well” while internally taken a step back from, empty. And the concept of hugging has been complicated even though I’m a hugger at heart. I’m currently on a journey of becoming myself and connecting genuinely with others more:)
As a person with anxiety being an addict is more about detaching form my f*ckups so I can remain functional not really about loneliness in fact I quite enjoy being alone
Its a multi-faceted problem with many roots, but lonliness and social isolation is the core of most of the mental problems we see in society today. We can try to branch off to make more connections but sometimes it can be difficult or seem impossible for many, and i certainly felt so in times of my life despite effort. Thankfully i am no longer in that situation, but i do have to admit randomness and luck may have played a big role. The biggest issue is that our infrastructure. mode of communicatation, transit, city-zoning, and capital markey strucutre heavily favor isolation in many socities, such as in the USA. This doesnt mean we nwes to switch to communism or anything, but we certainly need to change the tides of how we commercialize things so that we aim to build community oriented markets in the physical world, instead of markets that profit from one's need for social connection
I only have about 2 close friends. We used to hangout a ton when we graduated but now it's only every month or so, maybe more. I always hug my buddies, they're my best friends. There's no one I have more fun with! It's one of the reasons I'm still here
I think this is relatable, i've been an scout monitor for over 3 years and made a no-mixed space (like a space for men) for like 11 year olds. It was about what type of men we wanted to be, the role models we have and to be critic of every social barriers we have. We played the "salute-game" where we salute eachother as we would to diferent people for example familiars or friends, and there I explained my expirience where in there we always salute in there with a hug between men but it is the rare thing, and they said it to, that they don't hug unless its a familiar. So, see, when you are a child you are already conditioned not to hug. And we talked about how in diferent situations we salute diferent (it was like a paralelism to how we acted) and ya'll would'nt believe the mental barriers they have that young. As men we are so much isolated that a kid was grieving about his dead grandfather alone because he didn't feel safe to talk to people because women wouldnt show compasion and he was made believe that men can't talk about this kind of things unless they have a really DEEP comection (he talked about years, and he only had 11). The constant narrative was the 3 loudest women were constantly in conflict and made men their shields and punching bags with "jokes" and such, because they couldn't say their fellings were hurt (two at the end did and with the first all the men sided with him and the second everyone felt bad and calmed down). So what i gather, when we talk about man conection with eachother, not only we're being forced to socialize as women do so we van be percieved not as "macho-men" and deconstructed, but women also capitalize on our vulnerabilities while critizicing them. No wonder why men just retrieve from every interaction they have and try to be as hermetic as posible, which makes it imposible to you to be vulnerable with someone and makes you carry a HEAVY bag kn your shoulders all the time. Sorry for not even having a clear narrative in my comment but i felt it was relevant. Thank u so much doc🏥
The most difficult thing is to appreciate connection efforts from a person who really is trying and at the same time being someone who has taught your intuition to stay away from them as they had brought a lot of pain and emotional damage to you before. It feels like you're going to suffer a lot once again if you give in and it makes you feel guilty or ashamed if you ignore them. The person might be really trying their best to change but it feels like they're deceiving you. Such changes also require discipline and consistency which are subject to unexpected break downs. So what do you do? Ignore them or give in being ready for pain? Toxic relationships have to go be it family, romance or friendship. I guess talking sincerely about your feelings is the way to go. Even if the person you share your feelings with is not up to it they will hear and perhaps remember or meditate on that. You can't help yourself, right, but you can avoid doing more damage to yourself I guess. That's what I understand after seeing your video. Thanks a lot and good health to you and your family, honorable psychiatry demon!
Yeah I think being upfront and clarifying the situation is your best bet, don't mince your words or beat around the bush, the more direct you are the less room for interpretation. But also if we don't take any chances, we cant expect anything to change either.
Does anyone remember there was a thing for a little while some years ago where people would wear T-shirts or hold signs saying "free hugs" and they would go places and actually give out hugs to every stanger passing by who wanted a hug and there were viral videos?
I even remember seeing people IRL with those shirts at GamesCom, and me having cringe thoughts.. That was like 10 years ago. If I would encounter such person now, I'll do some hugs :)
Ppl still do it. It's just that we now the algorithms pay a lot of favor to negative & divisive content plus the next best trend of foolery. Much of the good stuff goes unnoticed these days.
I’ve watched two of your videos so far including this one and the one about how we can’t use logic to get out of depression. So far, I have enjoyed your videos and look forward to watching many more. The information/ content you share is very helpful! 💕 Keep up the wonderful work!
Improve your career using my code “HealthyGamer ” for 30% off on all their programs! Sign up for a FREE TripleTen career consultation with my link: get.tripleten.com/HealthyGamerGG #ad
Commenting before the video is out is a cheeky way to claim "first" lol
bro wat is that smoke near the lamp in the background
likewise
Okay wait. You said to help addiction, get connection. But in another vid you said if people are lonely, and they don't like being alone, you said they should spend more time with themself.
...hm okay I think I get it.
I have a little addiction here and there, but I like spending time by myself.. so to help my addiction I... seek more connection . Think i get it
@@jpjaye either a humidifier or it’s an electrical incense/ humidifier.
They are very helpful in very dry and cold climates like in the mountains. Also they make the room smell nice. I can’t stand the oils smells though. It’s too strong. lol 😊
I like being alone but hate being lonely
😂
I agree, I've been focusing more on seeing friends and putting myself out there because even though I liked being alone I think it was partially copium for knowing that I just didn't have people around me with the same interests. Now I do what I like alone and find opportunities to see friends for concerts and other outings just to see people more regularly. Idk about you but I felt my social skills decline a bit and I had to work on it again
@@n1ladr1 that part *snaps*
Get your own quote
or just scared?
Dr.K did it again. Watching this while smoking a joint, alone by myself on a saturday evening.
Right here wit you
Hello family
Same! Cheers brother
The doctor makes money off you even if you don't have insurance! 🤑
@@carlyellison8498 lmao
That Twitter person who decided to hug more people is a hero
heroes are just people with good hearts
The fact that Twitter took it in a completely different direction shows that Twitter lives outside reality as terminally online windbags
I mean at first the tweet seems heartwarming, but the replies it got afterwards only further killed my faith in humanity
@@kungfuvoodoo9889 twitter is actually a tiny population. And if you pay attention, the people who have emotional regulation will take breaks from twitter. Also , a lot of people left for mastadon, bluesky, and threads people left who were trying to leave one element of twitter's toxicity or another. So, not only is it a small population, but people who have self selected to be more toxic.
And if you lose faith in anything, lose faith in the algorithm. It's designed to amplify negativity. It brings out the worst of humanity and the worst of ourselves.
@kungfuvoodoo9889 That's just Twitter for you😂 I've never really used it for that reason
the lack of hugs is so real. i'm a guy in my early 20s and the last hug i had was in january of this year. my beloved pet died of cancer and when i took him to the crematorium, the old lady working there gave me a hug when she saw how bad i was trying to keep it together. i will always remember and appreciate her doing that. before that, fuck knows how long it had been.
My last hug was 13 years ago i still remember it.
my last hug was from my ex, 3 years ago, which she initiated...it's cold out there
Losing a pet or person is hard man, I hope you are doing well.
@@mr.nobody2244 same my last hug was from my ex but it was last month and i miss the warmth so much
My last hug was on my birthday, 5 days ago, but I don't get to hug anyone often
I'm a guy and have noticed that my dad, while working his ass off and being kind to me and everyone he knows, has never really shown me a great deal of physical affection. It was contradictory to me for a while, but when my grandmother died when I was 16 (I'm 27 now) I realized that I honestly couldn't even remember when I hugged him the last time. Ever since, I hug my homies, my dad and my brothers whenever I greet or say bye to them. Fuck masculine stereotypes for real, it feels great every single time :)
He is correct in doing that.
@@cortesimerci35no he isn't. Men who are starved from affection tend to take out their emotional nonsense on women and sometimes children. Please hug one another and spare us.
@@peachesandpoetsoh gosh I'd really hate for my mental struggles to inconvenience a woman.
@@cortesimerci35 you may have masochistic tendencies.
No he's not. Jesus Christ stop making your life miserable for no reason.@@cortesimerci35
Our son was right, we should watch you on RUclips more often, you are absolutely correct with your theories, thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts, I, as a mother, appreciate you.
💐 For the good mom 😊
Thank you on behalf of your children for trying to understand them, it’s unfortunately a rarer privilege than any of us would’ve wished.
@@N03xNemo Considering how lonelier, more hostile and more distant people are nowadays, it's no wonder why most of them become terrible parents. Hurt people hurt people. So this is truly a rare moment indeed. Kudos to this mom.
@jeebee_wtbd I wish you could lift his spirits by emailing him. You can tell him I wrote to you. Ever since he turned like 11 things have been soooo different for him, he is rebuilding his relationship with his father, thank God! May you be blessed everyday, all day for life Doc.
xoxo Sylvia Leys
You raised your children right😊
People don't care how I am, they only care that I can fulfill my responsibilities and do my job.
The worst is that it's never good enough
The story of every man's life huh? Jokes aside, I feel you.
Okay. Doesn’t sound like you want that to change though?
@soldierhobbes1182 where here did you get that?
@@TheOutlierToday he didn’t flat out say it but if it turns out he does, we can talk about that when he responds. If I’m unfortunately right and they don’t, well then there’s not much conversation to be had then.
I was encouraged to offer a hug to one of my friends. I was told he would appreciate it. So I decided to give it a try.
Yes, the first hug was really awkward and out of place... but then he started to hug me every time we met. Nowadays it's weird if we don't hug when saying goodbyes.
Girls figure this out as preteens, it's boys' turn! My son says I love you to his friends every night when he signs off from gaming. Do I question it? Shame him? Fuck no. The one time he brought it up to me all I said was, "it's good to tell the people we love that we love them, keep it up."
@@aawillma That would be my next step. Unfortunately, in Finnish "I love you" translates as "Minä rakastan sinua", and it sounds really weird and almost no one uses it. Instead of that, I've tried to tell my friends that they are dear to me.
95% of men will help someone who’s lost in the woods. 100% of bears will kill someone lost in the woods.
Bro, same! We're so close now that we give each other sloppy toppies every time we meet!
Make your homies feel loved, yall!
@@SimTomSimmer you gotta hype up your homies!!! Tell them they’re handsome, tell them you’re proud, tell them you love them, be a good example of unconditional love. You lose nothing by being affectionate to your male friends. Don’t let any societal BS make it feel like you can’t do those things. You’ll have better friends than those who hold back cuz they think it’s not the done thing
I remember the first time I was shown concern for my well being. “Are you ok?” For someone who grew up in an environment where mental health wasn’t a thing, toxic work environment and years of depression these three words was life changing. I fell in love with that person and she was everything to me. I thought she was the answer to my loneliness and I was desperate to have her. But then she found someone else. Those were some hard months. But from that I learned the key to curing loneliness: not desiring. From letting go of the need to fill the void I no longer needed anything. I’m content. Yeah I still want to find someone but I won’t lose sleep if I don’t. Right now I’m happy where I’m at, I enjoy life on my own. I want but do not desire. I do want attention but I’m not needy for it. I am happy because I desire nothing outside of myself. I’m whole on my own.😊
I'm glad to hear you taught yourself some good lessons from that negative experience!
Keep it up, having your personal happyness charted out like that, even a little is a very good thing!
Thank you for sharing. I think I might've been on the other side of being someone's emotional crutch, to fill their void in my previous relationship. And somehow reading this gave me some clarity- thoughtI might not have been in the exact same shoes as you-it helps me reflect and understand better what was going on in my recent breakup.
I'm happy that you reached this level of realisation. I've been through very similar experience but still unable to help myself.
@@mitthrawnuruodo1730 just having friends or people you trust can go a long way
This is, unfortunately, the answer. The number of married men addicted to porn proves that addiction is rooted not just in loneliness, but in the belief that you need/deserve/are entitled to other people fixing your loneliness or general dissatisfaction. We are humans, we need connection, 100%. But if you measure all your value and self-worth on someone else's assessment and approval of you, you will be consistently disappointed.
It's hard, don't get me wrong. Ironically, the more you become someone who is OK alone, is a good person for the sake of it, has no expectations from people, and loves themselves; the more other people will naturally seek connection with you.
Get off the internet is the best advise we could give to all. No worse place for any human mind, let alone be addicted too. Yet here I am. On this internet. Not connected to others. Because everyone I know is also on the internet. NOBODY stays offline long enough to matter.
cringe
The internet is a stress amplifier
@@motomeetyou3655 Depends on where you go and who you interact with. It's mainly social media. And certain online games. Make that a lot of online....oh who am I kidding, you're right.
@@SimonWoodburyForget Agreed. Going offline for a while just makes me notice how few other people are offline. The world is filled with Zombies. If you can't beat them, join them.
@@chrisklugh I used to go online to hide from the world. This was in the late 90s and early 2000s. Now I go into the "real world" to hide from people. Almost everyone has their face buried in technology.
I have been dealing with loneliness my whole life. On my teenager years I was addicted to videogames and studying, and I spend a big part of my 20's beeing addicted to the gym. Things got better when I started having more compassion towards myself Now everytime I feel shame I try to 'counter' it with compassion. The shame and the loneliness are getting weaker with time.
Its very easy to be successful. Little things while you are on your lowest are the hardest, gotta be proud for not surrendering.
Now YOU get it my dude! Keep it up! You got my vote, chief!
**sees shame**
Parry this you fucking casual
**uses compassion**
Edit: grammar
Much strength to you. I deeply relate, we'll be fine with time
This really puts my own addiction too pornography into perspective. I've never felt so lonely and misunderstood in my entire life. I don't really have anyone to do anything for (Except for my mom who is someone I just can't seem to connect with due too her being an entirely different person from me). I don't have any RL friends, no girlfriend, my family is pretty divided and I barely talk too anyone.... there's no meaningful connections that showcase love or affection for me. As a result, addictions fill the gaps in between because it's the only way I can get some sort of crumbs of what love and affection is like, even though I know that it's not REAL love and affection. I wish above all else that I could truly find someone in my life that I can make a connection with. A meaningful connection.
Delete the bookmarks start skateboarding 💪
@@manashieldworld Thanks for the advice? 😅
@@christscrackers647 I'm half-facetious. Great form of exercise that kind of forces you to get a healthier diet and also a great way to socialize with some other dorks.
Although nailing a trick or a line is addictive so shrug
Dr K has a video about addiction, where he says that it's about avoiding feeling. So, I don't know you, but I would say it's possibly not about giving you a feeling of something, but helping you avoid feeling actual things you don't want to deal with (i.e. real emotions) like a distraction. This is not intended as an attack, just an observation. I have my own kinds of addictions and problems also. And most people I think are distracted in a variety of more socially acceptable ways (like over eating and shopping).
@@Ruylopez778I also heard from dr.k that people who watch porn can suppress the feeling of pain. He used an example of one of his clients who's been working and watching porn at the same time to avoid unpleasant feeling
Man I hate when you're right. I've been lonely most of my life. I don't share my feelings, I'm not touchy feely, I don't want my friends or family to be concerned about me. So I feel inadequate and feel like kindness given to me is undeserverd. So I bend over backwards to do for other people to get rid of that feeling which never works. Recently I got to know a girl better. She's great, beautiful, we share everything in common from what I can tell even our goals for future career and family are nearly the same. I'm not good enough for her. So I started working on myself. The more I work the worse I feel, like I'm hiding my true self which is worthless under a gilded mask. But I kept trying and kept talking with her. The mask slipped a few times and I vented my true thoughts about my inadequacy and self loathing. She was kind and encouraged me through it. I started fearing I'd lose out or be friendzoned if I didn't ask her so I did. Got turned down. Said she was working on herself and wasn't dating. She still wanted to be friends. Now I realize I've spent the months following alternating between likely annoying her trying to pay back what I feel I owe her and isolating myself from her to not annoy her. I've never met someone that makes me feel like she does. But I'm probably just latching on out of a selfish and desperate desire to be with the person that made me feel alive again.
How has nobody replied to you? Good job for doing those things so far! It sounds like the girl has had a positive impact on you. That's a good person to be around. Don't panic! Do you have a guy best friend? Or a platonic friend girl? Talk to them about it! You can do this, and they can support you. If you don't have that friend, or family member perhaps, let me be that person for you for a moment. You are doing well. Don't overthink it. This person is a positive influence in your life. Of course you need to have other social contacts too, to not overburden one person with your attachment, that's correct. See how that's also a positive thing, that you seek out and spend more time with other people as well besides her, because she sparked the motivation? Let this be a positive cycle in your life. She might have kicked you in the butt, but you keep rolling it forward yourself. I believe in you.
Also sometimes good things happen to us or people do good things to us without much trying. This doesn't make them a saint, they were just a good person at the right time. Dr K said, thank them, and move on. Don't live indebted to someone. Remember, you deserve good things, too, even if there's been a pause since you last experienced them.
You've got this dude!
Man, i know right now it feels like you're in a bad place, but I think youret on the right trajectory. Finding a group of people you can chat to might help. Like r/menslib might be a good place. They're a lot of men who talk about their feelings a bit more.
Bro, @raapyna8544 has done a good job here. I'll add this: never assume you know yourself.. I learnt this late and always tried to give these "I'm a loser amd a spoilt goods" disclaimer when I meet a girl. It's a common symptom of low self Esteem and shame and I'm in therapy now. I realized that these symptoms not our identity neither are they permanent and if you're a Christian or don't mind having a powerful authority guide you, I'll recommend latching your identity to God by beginning to study the Bible. If you're not, please embrace the God you serve and study because your identity is far bigger than your moods. ❤❤
Cast a wide net. You’d be surprised what a partner could look like for you.
Also, everyone is working on themselves that’s a bs excuse. She probably has some weird standard you don’t meet, and you’re LUCKY to not have progressed further and attached yourself more.
Some girls only feel loved when you’re mean to them sometimes. It takes all kinds.
Damn bro I feel like you have severe imposter syndrome, you sound like a great person, no need to doubt yourself so much
As someone whose love language is physical contact, ive been touch starved for years and its the worst thing.
As someone already replied, i'll just copy paste his comment here: I think something people miss about physical contact as a love language, is that the person craves LOVING physical contact. As great as a massage is, it's paid and professional. As nice as a hug from family/friends is, it doesn't really satisfy longer than the hug itself.
I suggest regular massage. It's helpful, and good for physical health and emotional as well.
@@JoePAcalaughs There is something from this doctor about this as well. You shouldn't fix an external symptom for an internal problem, something like that it was. I think it applies here.
@@krux02 Not sure exactly what you mean here, if you'd like to expand on it regarding internal/external that would be great. With my response above, I am addressing the physiological need for human touch, which the research is extensive on. As a massage therapist, while most clients come for pain or stress related issues, many clients are simply seeking and benefitting from physical contact due to the hormonal and physiological effects. No one should be deprived of physical touch. Regular massage, which requires trust and vulnerability as well, is a great healing modality on many levels.
Bruh everyones love language is physical contact
Look into partner dance classes e.g salsa, tango, bachata
You go as a single and get paired up, learn a new skill and get out of your own head + meet people
This is absolutely true for the problem of addiction and loneliness. Dr.K is spot on again and clearly understands the importance of human connection.
He's an Addiction Psychiatrist. So it makes sense.
I really liked the recent stream in which he's been talking to really powerful person who's been capable of overcoming addiction
You're a good soul Dr. K. It is highly commendable that you have decided to help those struggling in this world. You bring hope and meaning to people. I wish you the best in life.
I'm glad a lot of the things here are being said. However the Twitter part of this video is a perfect example of why most of us need to delete that app. Being surrounded by that kind of insane negativity every single day can't be good for your mental health. I only spent a few minutes a day on it and it completely warped my sense of what "most people think".
People should delete all social media unless they make money from it tbh! Does way more harm than good
Your last point there is the real killer, I think. It warps our perspective of what other people are actually like. If you just go out into the real world and talk to people, most people are pretty reasonable and not insane (with certain exceptions depending on where you are in the world, of course). But when we only see the most extreme, reactionary and inflammatory people, that must affect our psychology in a negative way. I think it probably puts people into a state of antagonism and defensiveness.
"Warped sense of what most people think".
That's exactly why twitter is downright awful. The site structure isn't really condusive for productive debates so it just leads to everyone yelling.
Three weeks of tinder convinced me to avoid women entirely.
Left that place two years ago, having been on there for over ten years prior. I'm never going back. Unfortunately, I replaced it with youtube, which isn't much better. A lot of negativity on youtube too.
I got a hug tonight from a dude after doing a metric fuck tonne of litter picking & it absolutely made all the hard work & effort feel so much more worth it, was so grateful for it
Was hitching the other week on my birthday. Brazilian chick gave me a lift and then gave me a hug. Best birthday present ever.
I remember a few years ago at the height of my depression, I had a dream where a girl I knew (a friend of a friend who I’d only met once a few years prior to the dream) had hugged me. In my dream, I started balling my eyes out because that hug felt so genuine that it sparked a rush of happiness that I hadn’t felt in years. The emotion was so intense that it woke me up and the realization that it was only a dream was so depressing that I just sat in a ball on my bed and cried profusely for about 10 minutes.
Not saying you gotta hug everyone but showing or telling the homies that you that you care about them, even in seemingly corny or sappy ways, can really mean the world. You never know what they could be going through when no one is around.
Bro. Fish oil, vitamin D3, self-massage, yoga classes, warm showers, volunteer at an animal shelter, or even foster kittens or puppies, there are also cuddle groups on meetup. Please take care of yourself.
You know it's getting bad when you're having dreams of just getting a hug followed by subsequent breakdowns. Its you body and mind telling you, screaming at you, about what it needs. You have my sympathies. Like the other guy said, please take care. Some of his advice seemed pretty solid.
And if that happened in real life, 99% of people would never talk to you again because they don’t want to deal with that.
You have no idea the timing of this video in relation to my situation right now, these videos help me understand myself a little bit more with each video that is released. Thank you for your work.
"When a woman on your team plays badly, flame them," - Dr K :D
😂😂
thats also the only thing i learned.
😂😂😂
@@zoulzopan Got it, will flame more in games.
Ooorrrr... don't flame anyone! Man or woman!
I hug my kids everyday since as far as I can remember and now when they are teenagers they come look me up for hugs - especially my sons.
Male elementary teacher here. What you said is a thousand percent right. The instinct to hug a student in need of emotional support gets denied after having beaten into me that I can't do that. Every year, I make fun and rewarding relationships with my students, and towards the end of the school year, students always ask, "Is it okay to hug a guy teacher?" Great video!
I'm a woman and a former teacher. We were explicitly told not to hug a student and never to have the door closed when in a room alone with a student. The rules and expectations aren't different for female teachers, it's just the consequences and potential danger/liability for male teachers is a thousand times greater.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona We've been told never to initiate a hug, but if a student wants one and you're okay with it, a simple, quick side hug is fine (this was what I was referring to). Anything beyond that is a no-go, which I totally agree with. I just found that students' inclination to question the appropriateness of side-hugging female teachers vs. male teachers very much aligns with what the video touched on. The never-be-alone/open door still rightly holds up.
Kinda sad in some ways, understandable though. I can remember a retired Colonel who I consider my Father despite only teaching me for three years. Man came to my parent teacher conferences. We went camping with my best friend who's dad brain damaged and couldn't do anything, we bot ended up admitting that the man was our father. Most people at school hating him for being a hard A but damn I loved that man. Best teacher I ever had.
@@SatipatthanaSakuraDragona I've worked in childcare as a man and I have experienced the rules and expectations for me being different than my female colleagues, including those who are less qualified than me. It absolutely does happen. Everywhere? Probably not. More often than you think? Probably.
@@Hemlocker childcare and teaching is not the same thing.
Four years of struggling with porn and substance abuse, I locked myself in my room and did not socialize with any friends for a whole year. I'm slowly getting better now.
That’s the path I’m about to take right now…
@@zyzyx4157 Same
@@xylemnguyen223 you got this!
I used to try and be kind to guys very often, but they would all get attached super quickly and in a really uncomfortable way. Today i'm much more careful and guarded with guys, because i'm tired of getting uncomfortable like that and having to explain that they're too much and/or having to get away from them. That's why i love this video and i'm happy that you're talking about this to men, but also explaining the problem really well and raising awareness of it to everybody. Really great video
Because we don’t get attention like that, ever, they probably misinterpreted that as you being attracted to them.
Same reason I don't hug everyone ,- it is so easy to misinterpret.
Same here, i was kind with some men, they got way to attached, way to touchy, they thought i was romantically interested, i was soo uncomfortable i had to run away from them. I just wanted to be kind
Yeah that’s a thing.
We’re willing to date really any girl that’s nice to us. That’s often taken advantage of and the affection is trickled out in exchange for things. And that’s like… man.. 50% of relationships men are in? More?
You have to basically have an autistic conversation and overtly tell them you’re not after anything serious. Women often know this and like I said don’t do so because they benefit.
Idk we’re told to shut the hell up when we talk about our issues.
@@stephengrant4841it’s not an excuse to make women uncomfortable. If a woman doesn’t outwardly say she’s into you, you shouldn’t be getting so close to her in a intimate way without consent
It's being a hell of a time to be alive.
I thank you reader for enduring this up, and I'd like to give you an e-hug, for that's what I can do for you now.
What helped me with videogame addiction was to uninstall all games on my computer. Since then I have no urge to play or download. Downside is that I watch more RUclips videos instead.
Edit:
I see improvements though. Videogame addiction left me little to no time for cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, call friends. I got more time for that now. It has been 6 days since I uninstalled all games.
Log:
Week 2
Week 3 completed
Lol
Yeah ive deleted all social media but im fucking addicted to youtube and they’ve turned it into tiktok sort of content nowadays
Maybe you gotta take both down. I think RUclips is almost worse than gaming.
If you're into fighting games, see if you can participate in a local fighting game tournament in your area.
@@GuineaPigEverydayexactly the same for me. RUclips and Reddit is my crux. Problem is what do we replace that with?
It's quite a sad world that showing any sign of compassion is punished, while kicking others while they are down is greatly rewarded.
Ive been struggling with loneliness almost all my life and in recent years I have indulged in many addictive behaviors which are hard to get rid off since they always come back because the loneliness never passes
@@catboy57392 aww we in this together fellow human ❤️
I can quit watching porn, playing games and engage in all the self-destructive behaviors, but eventually I get back to at least one of those things, due to the lack of relationships and the severe isolation/loneliness. I've done it multiple times (for long periods of time) but when there's nothing else to fill in the emptiness, I just don't see the point of trying and go to my old me. I'm sure that I can't get through this alone. No matter how much I improve myself, if it's only for me, there's no reason to sustain it.
Life sucks. At 31, I just want to end it!
Don’t give up hope. Even when it doesn’t seem like it there is always someone and some community that cares about you. Stay strong ❤
Why not join a church?
Join a church, connect with the people in the church. You can try different church communities to check if you can fit in. Honestly in my experience, the connection to people in my church helps me to keep sane and feed me the courage to keep reducing porn consumption even tho I don't talk about this addiction to them 😅 Yeah I think it's about the connection that matters to me
@ward6238 yes 100% Yeshua Hamaschiah will fulfill your emptiness. I feel joy and love ❤️ bc I have Our Creator Most High God's approval. I start to exude this with others. You need His grace mercy and live. Let Him change your life. He is changing mine. He is soooo good to us. Trust His ability to kill these addictions in your life.
Oh my god 😢 I can relate. Can you work more hours?
The study you talked about relating to rat park is one of the most important study that has ever been conducted in addiction research and I wish more people knew about it
as someone addicted to gaming ,weed ( alcohol in the past ) , chronically online and single in his 30s its spot on this one, you just stop carrying as years go by, and those things like achieving ranks in online games + smoking weed helps to cope with that feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose in real life. What i learned during my alcohol therapy is that there are no happy addicts
ye
Loneliness is also likely to come with a lack of social skills and life experience and being clueless what to do outside of one's 4 walls, what the options are and where to seek them. Which isn't an unsolvable problem, but man does it add resistance
My experience is that it's much less difficult than I feared, and that a large part (though not all) of the resistance was internal. Though that doesn't mean the resistance is not "real" - it's very real, and I've been working very hard on it (therapy, journaling, etc). But it feels like there's a progress curve, where at the very beginning, even small amounts of effort can yield substantial rewards.
It sucks more when you try but you just.. don't fit in anywhere..
Om as outgoing and friendly as you can get and I haven't had a hug since before COVID.
@@Hemlocker I agree but summoning the courage to believe is not easy. Can we support each other off here?
@@Uncle_Som FYI, this channel's Discord server exists. You probably would want to use that server for good
Thank you for speaking about this topic. It makes me feel more secure in my past actions. In high school I hugged EVERYONE I was remotely friends with. Not every single classmate mind you, but if I had a friend or two in a separate friend group, then everyone there got a hug. Every single day. I often look back and think “man, people must’ve thought I was weird af” but I do remember lots of people, men and women, saying “thank you”. Those memories along with this data makes me feel like I did a good thing and I genuinely hope those people return the kindness to others.
As a dude in his early twenties with depression, social anxiety and a decade long videogame addiction history, also living with a manipulative family, I feel this.
I used to value them, but they don't care about me as a person. All they want is for me to do the house chores, study or have a job. But the moment I can't do any of those things, instead of asking me why, they get mad.
All I ever wanted since I stopped being a kid is for them to try and understand me. To let me leave my life in peace. I do want to help with house chores, get a job and make something out of my life, but these people make me suffer everyday, it's not worth helping them anymore.
The worst of all is that each day that passes my few friends I can trust move away, and I'm still stuck here. I can't trust anybody. The therapists I've been to didn't help either. I'm alone in my room everyday, and I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't want to give up, but as days go on I have less and less energy. I just want people who care about me. People who don't drain all my energy. I'm not asking for much.
I know that I can do everything I put my mind to, but I just don't have the strength to deal with life on my own anymore. With myself, and with these awful people.
I have a toxic family too. You’re not alone. Stay strong ✊
Sounds just like me do you have both parents of just 1 and which one
Don't give up bro! It seems hard when you are living it but there's a better life past this rough times. I've been trough some shit and what saved me is asking for help and remove myself from the enviroment. You might be surprised the thing people do for you when you are more open about needing a hand. So stay strong and don't listen to your own negative thoughts so much.
@@fzxio_ i have both, but one is the most toxic one, while the other one is more reasonable, but an enabler at the end of the day.
have you tried going to the gym? that might help
Something so simple as a hug and quality time with someone is so meaningful to me. No one is saying to squeeze them but even a quick half hug will suffice. Thank you Dr. K 💕💕
drinking alone at 1am right as i watch this.
the preview clips in the beginning hit like a ton of bricks, but i don't see a way to change it, and even admitting it to myself feels pathetic or like whining.
it all hurts so much, all the time, but i just feel like absolutely no one cares.
part of me fears that i've already become so used to this state that i'll have internalized some sort of deep resentment towards life/the world, for not having anyone to care about me, such that if i ever do find someone who does, i simply won't be able to believe them, and they'll bear the brunt of a lifetime of neglect.
idk
As a woman I feel this too 😢 and the last part hits home. We’re all in it together
Noah, * pun intended, but you literally were the last hope when the world gave up. I'm in therapy after 18 years of being in this cruel painful emotional state and I know one thing for sure now: we (me and you) underestimate the extremely high ability of the human mind to learn and change things in the long term (even traumatic and internalized routines). I'm getting closer to my deeper self by understanding more about the rules of life. I recommend you get the book: "Mind over mood 2nd edition" and get to work. Also wanna read Dr Jordan Peterson's "12 rules for life" and Matk Manson's "Subtle art of not giving a f**"
I'm at the point of my life where trying to find someone to experience intimacy or share life with seems like such a fruitless endeavor. The last six months were so psychologically rough, I felt genuine love for someone, something I haven't felt in years and I gave that person all I could muster and yet it led me nowhere. Ended the friendship because that thought is just too painful. The feeling of being stuck in a loop is really hard to shake off, I've been going to dancing classes, made a group to play volleyball, from the side it seems like things are happening, but the lack of interest I get, the lack of intimacy makes me feel so alone. I know in my heart that I can offer plenty but it feels like no one is willing to give me a shot, that thought is so depressing and demotivating, what's the point of this constant struggle if I have nothing to show for it. Dreams of a family, of a loving partner feel unachievable. Hobbies feel less enjoyable, life in general is less colorful. People are friendly, but they feel cold and distant. I'm still trying to move forward, but with every failure, the engine gets more clogged up, I feel like I'm barely holding myself together.
Why do you think you don't get interest?
there is no right or wrong or cured or sick just companies doing good propaganda for themselves and bad propaganda for others, just smoke the damn weed joint u will be fine, dont be addicted to being a sick victim
@@Sizifus if you give up then it's over. If you stop trying then that dreaded future of loneliness will become reality. I wish I had better advice than, "don't give up" but honestly I'm in the same boat.
But as long as we're still trying and holding onto hope there is a CHANCE. Whatever small it may be there is a chance. Its better than guranteeing loneliness by giving up. Its the best we can do.
Here in Brazil men hug each other constantly. It's a common greeting ritual!
Aonde
Moro em Pernambuco e os homens só abraçam membros da família. No máximo um professor(a) com quem estudou no passado ou alguém que têm muita gratidão
Nobody will ever love me and I think my mental health has been getting worse. Hopefully someday the pain will be over.
Your thoughts are your reality. Change your thoughts change your life.
That's not true. That's just that negative voice in your head telling you that. You can do this. But you have to fight those thoughts. You can't start believing all that sht
God I hate twitter. That such a good tweet but twitter is such a whirlpool of negative emotion that almost nothing good can come out of that website unscathed. Twitter turns good people into villains. It's frightening.
I'm convinced that in the future we will look back on social media for children the same way we look back on smoking for children. "What the hell were they thinking? How did they not know they were fucking up their kids?"
@@Hemlockerjust smoke twitter servers. ez fix👍
You are correct, same thing for vaping and certain things certain people want to teach children that i cannot mention here
THE FACT THAT HE SAID WE'RE NOT PLAYING SWORDS WITH A PERFECTLY NATURAL TONE😂 I GOT SO CAUGHT OF GUARD IM DYING🤣🤣
that was hilarious love this so much
It's unreal that I thought about this during shopping, went home and got your video recommended. Universe works
17:57 absolutely brilliant insight and I'm so glad you spoke on it. A socially tuned-in person will sense and subconsciously mirror the awkward state of another
FAXXX MAN LISTEN 9:17 you gotta be the one to introduce yourself to others and fix it with other people by interacting daily! Real love and respect
who tf is the player getting hugged every couple months, its literally been over a decade for me 😢
Guy who visits his grandma
He is not a player, he is a bad grandkid.
Probably someone who's very attractive
@@SimonWoodburyForget Haircuts once a week,positve aura and a great jawlin....eeeh,personality
someone who lives around comically large Venus Flytraps
I don't get one thing.
People say “Men are the problem” and then one someone like you comes with a solution to make men less problematic people start shouting “you are targeting men only”
Men are not the problem. Lack of connection is the problem.
Thats a product of (i understand it might be cliche, but its true, you can search of) cultural marxism/extreme left feminism.
Its basically what you said "men are the problem ... But they deserve no help" is basically a scape goat that they want to keep around.
Honestly some people are negative, and have always a problem with anything you do.
I'm a female and I watch these videos. I understand that from his experience (professional and personal), it's easier for him to talk about men. Doesn't mean that he doesn't care about women.
Becuase it's just irrational and unchecked misandry
@@SamStone1964 Can you expand on your point ?
When I was like 15 or less years old, I helped two little girls that were sisters (the older maybe was like 7) that were my neighbours, I helped them carrying water bottles (they were a lot) and spent more than an hour. When i came back home and my parents asked what was I doing, I explained what I did, obviously I did nothing wrong however my father warned me that I had to be careful when doing things like that because I could be perceived as a pervert, I didn't argue with him because I knew he was right but that's sad.
Edit: I have to add that they were carrying the bottles alone, that was in my residential complex and had no idea where they parents were
The sixth form I went to (age 16-18) was mixed gender obviously, but it was attached to a secondary school (age 11-16) that was an all-girls school. In like the first week or so of the first year, all the male students were taken aside and told - by a male teacher - to not let themselves be alone with a girl, for any reason. It's not even bad advice per se, it's just scary, and feels like an unfair imbalance.
Asking where the parents are is very important. For your safety as well.
Not only 1/3. Sometimes it’s happened to women multiple times. That’s scary and will unknowingly affect a women’s nervous system for decades.
@@HemlockerWell read crime stats
People tell me that men and women experience the same social problems, such as loneliness. But then the same people say, "You don't have to worry about that because you're a man" when I tell them about physical flaws that make me insecure. Men get self-conscious over facial imperfections. I don't like that I have acne scars that are the result of the severe acne I had when I was a teenager. If you're a teenager who suffers from acne, you can feel somewhat hopeful because acne decreases with age. But acne scars are permanent. Someone told me, "You're a guy. You're supposed to look rugged," which is something no one would ever say to a woman. I feel better about this because I've had procedures like TCA Cross and Fraxel, but it's something I've had to overcome on my own. Men have emotions, which means they get upset when something is wrong with their faces or bodies. We get upset if we're too fat or too thin. My ex-girlfriend told me that only women have to worry about their weight, and men aren't judged for it. I'm not saying women don't feel self-conscious about their weight, but they talk about it like it's a problem exclusive to their gender. I've gone through a lot of health problems that are physically and mentally painful. I have chronic headaches and joint pain. But all of that seems insignificant because of my hair loss, which is a common problem, but it's the problem I hate most about myself. The only reason I'm not suicidal is because I've found a strong combination of drugs, which have thickened my hair and have stopped the further progression of my hair loss. I can't emphasize enough how devastating this is for men and women. There are RUclips channels and online forums dedicated to hair loss treatments, and if you read them, you'll find out that I'm just one of millions of people who go through these psychological effects. Dutasteride and oral minoxidil are miracle drugs that changed my life. They are more important than any drugs psychiatrists have given me, and they are a lot more helpful than therapy. All of my therapists have been useless and don't consider hair loss a problem, even though it makes people suicidal. You're probably wondering why I'm talking so much about hair loss in a comment about mental health problems men experience. It's because people repeatedly tell us that we shouldn't worry about our hair because we're men. My ex-girlfriend tried to convince me that hair loss only psychologically affects men. The worst thing you can say to someone who is upset over their hair loss is "Accept it," which is what doctors have told me. When you tell men that a disease they have doesn't matter, you are telling them that their mental health doesn't matter. You are telling them that their suicidality doesn't matter. The solution is to use medical treatments, which is what you would do for any other physical or mental illness. It's time to recognize that men are humans, which means that we have emotions. We need to be more supportive of one another, and we need to acknowledge problems in order to find solutions. "Get over it" is not a solution.
There's a transactional quality to socialising, the unfortunate reality for a lot of these lonely people is someone somewhere told them they have nothing to offer. They believed it and now the only social stuff they feel like they get to do is constant people pleasing.
I'd love to connect with people, but I notice my thoughts are often trying to create scenarios or misconstrue what I want to say in that I'll somehow offend someone with what I say, so my communication ends up being very sterilized. I also notice I often tend to think of scenarios of how I will get in trouble (which I think I have trauma from), so I'm usually avoidant because of this and am harsh with myself. This is kind of the root of my social anxiety and why I'm consistently lonely today.
Have you ever looked into HSP, MBTI or enneagram? It might help.
Silly question, but have you tried going to meetups or events that pertain to your interests to socialize with people? Sometimes commonality goes a long way and may make conversations flow better. I wish you all the best, cheers.
@@biteofdog I've tried going to toastmasters for public speaking, and I've also gone to stores for hobbies I like, but my line of thinking is always a factor. I'm trying to work on that and be more aware of it, but it's really an uphill battle.
I can relate to this.
Try to look up fearful avoidant attachment style, and see whether that describes your current interactions with others.
Feel free to hmu if you wanna discuss that stuff
I can kinda relate to this. It's really hard. Just being aware of it is a big thing in and of itself. Something I've tried asking myself is: what is something that _I_ want to share? I spend so much time thinking about what others want to hear, what would be "acceptable" for me to share, what can I share that has the highest chance of eliciting a positive response. But if I try to push all of that aside and focus on the things that I actually value myself, that I would like to share with people, I find it slightly easier.
Dr. Kanojia, you are the greatest social beacon of our time and a worthy successor to the esteemed Dr. Leo Buscaglia. No one I know of speaks so accurately and compassionately on the social needs of society. Spot on. Bravo!
Leo was great! Haven’t heard his name in awhile.
Hi any videos you guys recommend from Dr. Leo?
@@tiffanyapril5458 His lectures usually aired on PBS TV during their pledge drives. You can find some of them if you look up his name on RUclips. Of course, as they were filmed in Eighties and early Nineties, the video quality is not great. He also published a variety of books. Good luck!
What a brilliant video.. From loneliness to addiction to affection starvation it's spot on.. So much to unpack there
This legit hits you in the feels, i have no words...
As a man who receives very few hugs, I wouldn’t like women hugging me because they know men receive very little affection. It’s a form of compassion. They do it because they feel sad for us, and they want to help. I don’t need your help, I don’t want you to hug me because I need it, it should be spontaneous. I hope I explained myself
you mean you want to be hugged genuinely, not out of pity? I think it's a reasonable boundary
@@malachitestormPrecisely this
@@malachitestorm exactly
It's like my ex wife , having sex because she felt obligated but did not want it.
When I found that out I never tried to have sex with her again. I don't want sex with a woman not interested!!!!! . I'd feel like a rapist!!.
No way !
She left saying I wasn't filling her needs! Seriously, I went years with nothing feeling terrible because my wife could shouldered me.
It messed me up so bad that years later I know I'm damaged beyond fixing.
@@DeadCat-42 You are never beyond "fixing".
You are enough. Just as you are.
Sure, you have been through rough times, but it doesn't mean you need fixing
This video’s take really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in Unveiling Your Hidden Potential by Bruce Thornwood
Did Bruce Thornwood pay for this comment?
May be
I've been feeling pretty lonely. The timing of this vid is perfect.
I’m in therapy now for anxiety and past sexual violence. I am hoping I can recover and maybe meet my person. Statistically there are MANY potential perfect partners you could meet, you just have to try and talk and I haven’t been doing that. I’m so afraid wonen will abuse or rape me that I avoid doing anything but working
What an amazing video, spot on as per usual. Just recently met a woman who's been kind to me and I'm having the issues that are expressed in this video. Once again you've been incredibly useful DR.K
Love that very last tidbit.... "And get the hell off the internet!" 🤣🤣🤣.... Truer words have never been spoken
I like how deep he think and how he think about thinking and thinks about how other people think without thinking more thoughtfully. It's very nice. Makes things less black and white.
I am autistic, I always felt different, never fit in anywhere. I guess it's just my default state to be lonely. To be honest i don't know how can it impact my general wellbeing, I don't really crave relationships although I know they are quite important
100% the same.
Listen man if you should have start to feel like wanting one look up studies that show what women think of autistic men, you will give up fast its basically impossible.
bro this is me
In my teenage years I had a deep and severe depression and it was a constant. One day at school around lunch time I was ruminating with sadness to the point I was on the verge of tears. It was a real bad moment. Some girl from the grade above me saw how distressed I was and walked over to me and worriedly asked me if I was ok and I shook my head no, and she gave me the kindest, most heartfelt hug I'd ever received of my life that I'll never forget. Immediately I felt a massive weight fall off me and my episode of distress dropped considerably. I think I thanked her and scurried off, I don't remember precisely, this was over 20 years ago. You might change someone's life, or at least day, by offering a gesture that costs nothing.
@@soulsharts may god bless you 🫂 i hope you are spreading the " touch of love " to other what you have received 20 years ago . 🌹❤️
I’m 20 years old, I was bullied and neglected by my peers my entire life. I’ve always been incredibly lonely and started drinking and smoking copious amounts everyday just so I didn’t feel me. 5 days ago I decided to give those things up and try to be happier. I have zero friends and am not the most attractive person, and it sure doesn’t help my self esteem is incredibly low and my anxiety is incredibly high. There is nothing I want more in this life is to have someone to talk to. I had knee surgery today and am in a ton of pain and I’ve never felt more alone and helpless and I really want to get better and be happy but I have no idea what I can do and I’m scared I’m going to fall back into my addictions.
@@itchydino15 that’s really strong of you to try to be happier! I do relate to that though, I’m anxious all the time for seemingly no reason. Hope the surgery went well though!
Of course I could try to give some advice but honestly idk much more than the standard replies that don’t really help. For the addiction, don’t keep any at your place so you don’t have easy access to it.
But yeah much strength to you 🍀
I want to start a zoom friendship to fight loneliness, will you join me?
My opinin and what i feel. A woman hugging a man is different feeling than homie hugging man.
What feels different about it? Does it feel different when it's an older female relative vs a younger woman?
@@aawillma it's different because men don't notice older women or even see them as women. Men only see younger women as *women*
Not a reprimand as I don't know you, but so many women are left alone and there are no podcasts discussing the problem of female loneliness. It's only a problem when men experience it.
@@SusanaXpeace2u im not going to speak for your personal experience but you shouldnt go around speaking as if you know what the male experience is either, saying "men only see younger women as women" as this is simply not true and yes there are a lot of rotten men but there are way way more normal men and for that matter theres rotten women too, and yes female loneliness is indeed a problem however men are not exactly brigading against women for trying to be friends with them but women certainly are fearmongering the concept of men trying to be friends with women, dont you think if men had more experience with women in general they wouldnt be such creeps? its not that surprising that if theyve got hardly any experience socially interacting with women in a non romantic way that they end up behaving strangely, you cant be good at something youve barely ever done.
@@SusanaXpeace2ugo back to r/TwoX.
@@SusanaXpeace2u You say this and then for one woman like you there are 10.000 women who say that the loneliness men experience is irrelevant and that it's actually a privilege, that having a partner or not doesn't matter, that being desired doesn't matter, that we should just stop being whiny, and then we see how you guys are in happy relationships and get everything for just existing.
So what is it then? You all don't deserve empathy if you play life on easy mode. Empathy is reserved for people with problems. You can't be like "omg female loneliness is never taken seriously", when your group doesn't take it seriously. You all constantly say that men need to shut up about being lonely and that getting easy access to everything that stops loneliness is not a privilege. Make up your mind and when you are consistent then you can come back and demand sympathy.
Like, women say to men that they should stop crying about loneliness, because women objectively don't know how it actually feels to be lonely. This is the only explanation. Otherwise they wouldn't say this. Deductively, you are the one's that don't take it seriously.
I hate how as a man you're expected to solve all your problems on your own as well as others. You keep your feelings to yourself, you're cold or withdrawn. You share your feelings, you're clingy or give women the ick. Can't win
Welcome to the male experience
That's why i keep telling myself if I'm fixing my life from this situation than I'm the strongest person that ever lived.
Dam one of the realest topic I’ve seen been in this situation it sucks being alone for a long time. Being isolated can be good if building atomic habits but get out there and build relationships communicate as soon as possible cause longevity being alone for to long will be depressing trust, remember we are humans. We have to communicate with others not just with thyself
The pay it forward comment is great! We did some work training about positive interactions can’t remember the exact study but basically the positivity spreads to the next person and the next. Though it does diminish in intensity as you go on. It just gave me the mental image of all these stones dropping in a pool and spreading happiness ripples out. We need more of that!
26:05 "If they play like shit flame them"
Dr. K spitting pure wisdom
I have a much more complex problem with loneliness. At the peak of my social life, I had around 300 contacts in my phone. I still have women chasing me and sending me smiles and greetings on the street, most of them think that i am some rich dude because i like to dress sharp. But the thing is, after five years, none of these 300 people even ask how I'm doing. They only wanted to be in contact with me because I offered a fun time. Most of my relationships were extremely superficial.
Now, I don't have anyone in my life-no girlfriend, no real friends, no family. There are people who want to connect with me, but I find those connections to be superficial at best. The only "real deep connection" I ever had was with an ex-girlfriend six years ago. The lack of sincere, genuine contact in todays society is alarming.
What's superficial about the people who want to connect with you?
Well you've screwed up in some way haven't you? Obviously you need need to find out why you can't hold a relationship, because if you went through 300 people then you're common denominator.
I just want to make a reminder that most deep connections start superficially and then develop into something more. If you have women and men being friendly and interested in you, you are already luckier than the majority of us who noone even wants to say hi. So give it a chance, maybe try therapy as well during that journey to give you hope. Finding people to call real friends and family takes a long time, but since it's easy for you to make the start, I'm sure you can find what you are looking for.
Maybe ask them how THEY are doing.
thank you for talking about things like this -- we need more awareness about these issues in society.
This is so true. I am literally craving any sort of physical touch for the last few months. Why isn't this video more popular 😭
I feel like me getting a random hug from anyone would make me feel uncomfortable. And if it’s only small and short it wouldn’t be enough to actually make a difference and magically “cure” my loneliness. Especially if it feels like more of a formality than genuine kindness designated towards myself which makes it meaningless.
I 100% agree. Also there is a culture of hugging at my workplace, and since I don’t feel comfortable participating in that, I have been labeled as uptight and an outsider. I don’t think bosses should hug their employees, because then it sets up this dynamic of favoritism and unclear boundaries.
That being said, I love hugs when an appropriate friendship has been established and neither person feels like their boundaries are being broken 😊
thanks dr. k for share this, I don't know where we would be without the information you provide.
INTUITION is 'knowing'
without 'knowing why'
its pattern recognition.
This video really struck a chord with me. It's so true that loneliness and isolation can be major contributors to addiction, especially for men. I think there's still a lot of stigma around men expressing their emotions and seeking help, and that needs to change. We need to create a culture where it's okay for men to be vulnerable and connect with others on a deeper level. Thanks for sharing this important message.
It feels so good to listen to someone thats sound of mind and logical and reasonable and kind. I’ve been troubled by someone whose unfair and judgemental and rude and toxic, it feels so good to hear Dr. K right now.
I'm more inclined to agree with Gabor Mate's view on addiction, as in that addiction is fundamentally a coping strategy to deal with inner trauma (invisible wounds). The addiction is less painful than dealing with the trauma, even if the addiction will ultimately be extremely harmful (alcohol/drugs/food specifically). That said, connection and therapy can be extremely beneficial in a) lessening the addiction itself and b) discovering the root cause of your addiction.
As psychologists, we shouldn't be focusing so much on the behavior. We should be asking ourselves why people are engaging in the (harmful) behavior in the first place.
I agree, but i will add, it gets to a point where the addiction, in and of itself, creates issues, that may or may not go away if the addiction goes away
I feel like we should acknowledge that the way some boys are deprived of hugs and emotional awareness is a form of trauma. Like how solitary confinement can be a form of torture.
"some men go months without being hugged"
Months? Is it just me that can sometimes go multiple years without a hug or any real physical human contact that wasn't accidental?
Hug each other then
@@missandry2669 shut it your username already devalues your opinions
The fact that they are shocked that over men going *months* without hugs really put into perspective how little contact I have with people. Months is nothing. Months suggests that people get hugs several times a year!
I was thinking the same thing, months lol
Women really don't have perspective on just how lonely most men are. (Even if not most, still a ton.)
When I heard that they were shocked that men didn't received hugs for months I was like "my last hug was 2 years ago and I'm 19..."
Months? I'm measuring decades...
My dad gave me a hug when I graduated highschool. And maybe when I was leaving home for a summer job in Greenland for two months, in 2019. I can't think of a more recent hug with him. I think I've hugged my mom since then occasionally, as a gift for the birthday or when we're saying goodbye. I almost always hug my closest friends when we say goodbye, even more often than my parents. I think my male friends don't hug their friends. I wonder if they hug their parents.
This has to be shared.
/Hug Dr. K for being such a wonderful human being.
I’m currently going through some crap in my life. Waiting to have some access to mental health resources( seeing a therapist, might need meds idk) but your channel has helped me to cut through some of the fog in my mind while I wait. Please keep making these videos they help a lot, and I just wanted to say thanks for the help.
I think you're missing an obvious point, men dont want to hug men they want to hug women, they very thing they could be deprived of. To say its just all down to social conditioning is not the full picture.
"This is a problem that can't be fixed on your own"
....we're fucked
i always blamed myself for my loneliness and isolation. guess i was wrong but it doesnt make me feel any better
Nobody will help us, especially not women.
@@thesaddestdude3575I mean if you're emotionally swatting at every woman for existing with a vag, then sure. It's no different than some women assuming every man is abusive or a cheater though. There comes a point where if you choose to treat all others a certain way because of xyz generalizations, you ultimately end up creating your own self-defeating cycles.
@@zapspiders92 Glad there’s so much optimism these days!
@@thesaddestdude3575no Superman is gonna save your butt g wake up your probably a grown man you’ve hear this a couple times man up and take action
Commenting to say I really appreciate how he's bridging the gap between "do good by your fellow humans" and "avoid men and treat them like dangerous creeps by default". These are conflicts of thought I've had myself, as I understand womens' reluctance to be available to men even in a platonic way and sympathize with it, but I also can't just ignore how the other side feels when all they ever experience is rejection and loneliness.
“Women have been responsible for men’s problems” argument is super weird to me. Every friendship I’ve had with a woman has included hours and hours of unreciprocated “emotional labor”.
I hate the term “emotional labor”.
Brilliant video! Appreciate your work so much Dr K! I’m a straight trans guy so I’ve felt the need to “prove my masculinity” throughout my life while also being socialised to befriend girls. Friendship, romance, family - basically all kinds of intimacy and companionship I’ve “performed well” while internally taken a step back from, empty. And the concept of hugging has been complicated even though I’m a hugger at heart. I’m currently on a journey of becoming myself and connecting genuinely with others more:)
As a person with anxiety being an addict is more about detaching form my f*ckups so I can remain functional not really about loneliness in fact I quite enjoy being alone
Its a multi-faceted problem with many roots, but lonliness and social isolation is the core of most of the mental problems we see in society today. We can try to branch off to make more connections but sometimes it can be difficult or seem impossible for many, and i certainly felt so in times of my life despite effort. Thankfully i am no longer in that situation, but i do have to admit randomness and luck may have played a big role.
The biggest issue is that our infrastructure. mode of communicatation, transit, city-zoning, and capital markey strucutre heavily favor isolation in many socities, such as in the USA. This doesnt mean we nwes to switch to communism or anything, but we certainly need to change the tides of how we commercialize things so that we aim to build community oriented markets in the physical world, instead of markets that profit from one's need for social connection
I only have about 2 close friends. We used to hangout a ton when we graduated but now it's only every month or so, maybe more. I always hug my buddies, they're my best friends. There's no one I have more fun with! It's one of the reasons I'm still here
I think this is relatable, i've been an scout monitor for over 3 years and made a no-mixed space (like a space for men) for like 11 year olds. It was about what type of men we wanted to be, the role models we have and to be critic of every social barriers we have. We played the "salute-game" where we salute eachother as we would to diferent people for example familiars or friends, and there I explained my expirience where in there we always salute in there with a hug between men but it is the rare thing, and they said it to, that they don't hug unless its a familiar. So, see, when you are a child you are already conditioned not to hug. And we talked about how in diferent situations we salute diferent (it was like a paralelism to how we acted) and ya'll would'nt believe the mental barriers they have that young. As men we are so much isolated that a kid was grieving about his dead grandfather alone because he didn't feel safe to talk to people because women wouldnt show compasion and he was made believe that men can't talk about this kind of things unless they have a really DEEP comection (he talked about years, and he only had 11). The constant narrative was the 3 loudest women were constantly in conflict and made men their shields and punching bags with "jokes" and such, because they couldn't say their fellings were hurt (two at the end did and with the first all the men sided with him and the second everyone felt bad and calmed down). So what i gather, when we talk about man conection with eachother, not only we're being forced to socialize as women do so we van be percieved not as "macho-men" and deconstructed, but women also capitalize on our vulnerabilities while critizicing them. No wonder why men just retrieve from every interaction they have and try to be as hermetic as posible, which makes it imposible to you to be vulnerable with someone and makes you carry a HEAVY bag kn your shoulders all the time.
Sorry for not even having a clear narrative in my comment but i felt it was relevant. Thank u so much doc🏥
The most difficult thing is to appreciate connection efforts from a person who really is trying and at the same time being someone who has taught your intuition to stay away from them as they had brought a lot of pain and emotional damage to you before. It feels like you're going to suffer a lot once again if you give in and it makes you feel guilty or ashamed if you ignore them. The person might be really trying their best to change but it feels like they're deceiving you. Such changes also require discipline and consistency which are subject to unexpected break downs. So what do you do? Ignore them or give in being ready for pain? Toxic relationships have to go be it family, romance or friendship. I guess talking sincerely about your feelings is the way to go. Even if the person you share your feelings with is not up to it they will hear and perhaps remember or meditate on that. You can't help yourself, right, but you can avoid doing more damage to yourself I guess. That's what I understand after seeing your video. Thanks a lot and good health to you and your family, honorable psychiatry demon!
Yeah I think being upfront and clarifying the situation is your best bet, don't mince your words or beat around the bush, the more direct you are the less room for interpretation. But also if we don't take any chances, we cant expect anything to change either.
Does anyone remember there was a thing for a little while some years ago where people would wear T-shirts or hold signs saying "free hugs" and they would go places and actually give out hugs to every stanger passing by who wanted a hug and there were viral videos?
I even remember seeing people IRL with those shirts at GamesCom, and me having cringe thoughts..
That was like 10 years ago. If I would encounter such person now, I'll do some hugs :)
People still do that. Most of the time you can find them at peace protests. There were people with "free hugs" signs at my recent pride event.
First time I saw free hugs was 12 years ago in Tokyo. I was a kid then and didn’t understand the purpose of it at the time.
Ppl still do it. It's just that we now the algorithms pay a lot of favor to negative & divisive content plus the next best trend of foolery. Much of the good stuff goes unnoticed these days.
The anime was always right. Power of friendship and hugs does truly exist!
I’ve watched two of your videos so far including this one and the one about how we can’t use logic to get out of depression. So far, I have enjoyed your videos and look forward to watching many more. The information/ content you share is very helpful! 💕 Keep up the wonderful work!
Dr. K has changed my life. Thank you doctor.