What's even more defeating is when people tell you to "stop blaming everyone else for your problems". I definitely understand the sentiment behind taking control, and this is where the narrative around taking responsibility even when it isn't your fault steps in. There's a persistent narrative around taking control, not expecting others to save you and doing it all alone. BUT, there's also value in acknowleding that your environment and the people surrounding you can be at least partially responsible for your situation, good or bad. Hell, it might even help to stop blaming and beating yourself up, even though "society" tries to condition you with individualism and blaming yourself for everything.
society does not condition you to blame yourself at all. i would argue that the entire disease of individualism is predicated on the fact that it wants you externalize as much as possible. we live in a self-obsessed culture that does not tolerate incursions or perceived slights to the self. people don’t care about introspection anymore, yet society is paradoxically self-absorbed.
@@skymeows1286 I can't do that, but if I can't make them not be the problem, then I shouldn't accept responsibility for their actions. Sometimes you just have to accept other people won't change, and even if they aren't inherently bad, you should stay away from them. As Dr. k points out though, sometimes people will try to condition you into believing your own behavior affects them in a way that causes adverse consequences for you. It's especially dicey when it's someone who holds some level of power and authority over you, like a parent, teacher or boss. There are way too many stories of bad parents or bosses who can essentially get away with mistreating the people they're in control of, and those people have to accept it and find coping strategies to manage the power imbalance.
@@eebbaa5560 I'm not sure about that. Maybe we have had different experiences, but there's definitely a lot of self help types telling people to take responsibility and stop blaming others, just like there's untold break room walls with posters telling you it's all on you to have the right attitude, which conveniently absolves them of any responsibility to create an environment and culture that assists the workers in having said attitude.
@@Jazzmaster1992 i’m not saying that what you’re saying doesn’t exist, i just don’t believe that it’s what is the most popular belief system right now. i agree about what you’re saying in that always blaming yourself isn’t really helpful, but therapists especially are not the ones who are telling people about the ‘internal locus of control’ shit.
Summary: - Therapy is often misunderstood as gaslighting oneself into feeling better, but in reality, it undoes the negative self-beliefs instilled by others (e.g., parents). - Many people's negative self-perception, such as feeling like a failure, is rooted in early life experiences where they were taught they could never be good enough, rather than based on their actual abilities. - Confidence and self-esteem are not innate but are shaped by external influences, such as supportive parents or environments, rather than personal discovery alone. - Therapy helps uncover the distortions in one's thinking and emotions, allowing for clearer, more objective self-understanding, rather than blind positivity. - Emotional awareness is crucial for clear thinking, and therapy helps individuals recognize how emotions like anger, sadness, or jealousy distort their thought processes.
These videos claiming that it's all in our head is gaslighting. People's environmental factors shape their lives. We need to ask hard questions like why do men who are 6'4 earn on average..... Nearly a million dollars more in their life than someone who is 5'6. Humans are so arrogant to think that they have any real control in life. Your genetic and environmental factors guide the vast amount of your life. Usa needs to wake up from the illusion of true free Will
One thing I realised for the first time today, "Self-esteem is a scam,....Self-esteem is a reflection of the esteem that other people give you" damn, this hits hard, I have been trying for years trying to fix it, but never succeeded, now I finally know.
My most recent therapy session we invited my parents to have a talk to understand my childhood, one of the most hurtful thing was my mom sayjng that i was too brilliant and that i might be arrogant, that's why they had to be mean to me and break me. They had to preemptively destroy me for what, a future risk of becoming arrogant? Why??! Thinking back about my behavior at home i think a lot of my self sabotaging was because I subconsciously am aware of her jealousy at my cleverness, that i became "selectively mute" in only English between age 6 and 16. (We are a Chinese family in Chinese speaking environment, and my mom is ashamed of her own English abilities. So in situations where English is needed I would whisper in Chinese in my friend's ear and my friend would speak for me) I had no problems with speaking English until I notice her feelings.
@@Sayurichyan just be lucky your parents even had the ability to open up and admit that. Anytime I try and talk with mine, it just turns into everything being my fault and I just need to “man up”. Be nice if I was taught how to at least be one. My parents would get jealous of any talent I had and never encouraged me, only used it against me in strange ways. The parents in this country have really created so many broken individuals and then gas lighted children into thinking there is something wrong with them from birth, instead of being destroyed by broken parents in broken homes.
This just drives home, even further, how toxic and unsupportive my family was. I never felt supported, Never felt loved. Barely felt cared for. When I did have friends I was told that they were bad/wrong, and never tried to see it from my angle, or what worked for me. Always made me feel as though my choices were bad/wrong/incorrect. Never really had any freedoms. Never had any backup. I was always the problem. Never good enough. This is why it's an uphill battle to believe in or support myself in any meaningful way, even at 41. It's hard to believe anybody else would take any sort of positive view toward me either. I constantly question it.
Please, feel hugged. Those 24 minutes were a realization to me. I really feel something similar. Feeling like any decision is the wrong one brought me to where I am now.
My fathers expectations are like this : - get a perfect 10dgpa. "Nothing less than 100%" - rank under 100 in a national level entrance test. "Everything else is useless". - be as disciplined as possible while my parents behave like a child and do random thing at random times. The only thing i ever got from my father was unhealthy food, bad communication skills, a bit a ragged clothing and tution fee. I don't have parents. I have sponsors. Which hey is better than a kid getting bombed but you know is not ideal.
The last sentence is the key. Is anything short of ideal going to be a problem? .... You gave both perspectives in one sentence, which cancelled them both out. You have to choose - are you lucky or unlucky? Could you have it worse? Do ppl that do have it worse get by, or even build amazing lives? Have you allowed your parents shortcomings to define your life? If you know about them, you can make those improvements and have a better life and family then they did. Were they supposed to be perfect ppl, or give you what you need to become whatever you want? Sounds like they did that.
Ha, same, man. Throughout my childhood, I was constantly told I was lazy, untidy, dirty, and stupid. My parents even called me animal names (like 'goat'). No matter how much I tried, cleaning their house, tidying up, it was never enough. Now that I know better, I realize it was never really about me. I was just a scapegoat for their own issues. Unfortunately, I still have to live with those nasty voices in my head telling me I'll never be enough. On the bright side, they've changed a bit-they're better people now.
Wow, complete opposite for me. My parents wanted good grades and for me to succeed financially because that represents safety to them, but they were way more chill about. Mostly B's with some A's and C's was fine for them. They took it in stride when I dropped out of college after a year and became a hobo in my 20s and 30s. They would have had to beat me severely to prevent this outcome, and then I would have never spoken to them again after leaving the house. Ultimately, it's not up to them.
It's interesting how some of you say they were called lazy for whatever you did. For me it was different, I wasn't called lazy but only when I didn't do 150% and constantly overstepped my boundaries and masked the sh*t of my life. Then I was "okay". Messed me up in a similar way, not feeling I'm accepted as a human being but also not having any skills to respect my own boundaries. I'm burning out myself and myself and don't even know why because I'm used to this since early childhood.
Bro i'm so Dr K pilled it's insane. He's gave me tons of insight and being a better person and resisting my urges isn't that hard actually. Old me would kill current me for uttering that sentence.
Just the habit of taking a second to observe the options ahead of you, and reflecting on them afterwards has given me so much more power over my choices. Also not avoiding emotions or letting them control you, but to serve as guides for decision making. I don't think I would've figured that out in this lifetime if not for Dr. K. I've felt so torn apart by what others try and teach me about emotions and motivation
My last therapist literally told me that therapy is about "choosing to believe" things that aren't necessarily true (although she could never explain how to do that exactly) to make yourself feel better, and didn't see a problem with that. At that point I had already paid her $2500.
She's right. The purpose of the human intellect is to improve survival and reproduction. It is not to discern the "truth." If the intellect discovers any truth, it's only a byproduct or intermediary step toward improving survival and reproduction. Therefore, when a truth is useless for survival and reproduction, a healthy, well-tuned mind will automatically discard it. Mental illness sometimes comes from an irrational obsession with the truth at the expense of one's survival and reproduction.
The example of the child learning to walk and not seeing themselves as a failure really resonated. It brings to mind the learned helplessness concept, where people stop trying because they believe their efforts won't make a difference. I’ve seen this play out in someone close to me who struggled with their self-worth for years, convinced they couldn’t change. The way you break down how therapy helps undo that belief is so empowering-thank you
All my experience about therapy is that the therapist makes me pour my heart out, nods understandingly, asks all the question about why you feel or think this and that, never of course voices their own opinion on anything and don't make statements. Problem is that I'm not stumbling into any revelations about myself. It's not that when I was 6 I was told that I wasn't good enough for the sports team and that gave me a life-long complex about not being good enough, I just struggle to find a stable job and feel like older I get and more patchy my cv becomes, harder it becomes to find one.
I had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy about ten years back and with respect it was worthless. It felt like I was required to relive every difficult experience of that week and then sent home. I’m not saying therapy itself is, but I strongly believe that you need the right therapist and therapy. As DrK shows, it’s an absolute necessity for the person helping you to understand and recognise the underlying root of the problem
for some people they think too much (like me) and he soluion is to fail more and faster. your brain improves and learns with every failure even if you can't tell
When you realize therapy can only get you so far, you are finally on the way to healing. 🏆👍 hang in there bud you have everything you need to figure it out from here
@@ZTTINGS That's one reason why I quit seeing my therapist. Whenever I tried to discuss potential diagnosis that could explain my issues, she always gave me the "I don't know that that is helpful and I struggle to see diagnosis as important over symptoms/behaviour". There were other issues (pretty much the things that the other commentor mentioned), but not seeing how discussing diagnosis actually is important in understanding the source and what the internal process is so that I can also be treated properly, was a pretty big flaw imo. I eventually got it out of her that maybe I don't simply have depression and anxiety and I could have something trauma related, which is why cognitive behavioural therapy and exposure therapy didn't help and especially exposure therapy probably just further traumatized me. She also basically admitted she can't help me, so yeah I quit and changed my mind on cognitive behavioural therapy (which seems to be the most common type) and how flawed the system (diagnosis process and all) is. Sorry, that ended up being like rant a bit.
My first 10 years of therapy were just "Change your thoughts, and if you can't change your thoughts, change your behavior, and if you can't change either of those things, try harder." Society wouldn't shut up online and off about how my mental illnesses weren't excuses for not getting better or trying harder or doing more. And meanwhile my parents invalidated the hell out of my struggle and we fought about everything growing up. Now I'm sitting here and I don't even want to change. My life isn't great and I'm messed up enough but I just want to feel better. I don't want to create more problems for myself by making friends and dating and getting a job or going to school.
family and society telling us to 'try harder' I have come to realize is the biggest indication that they don't understand shit. it's the manifestation from a lack of understanding of how the brain works with a limited cognitive bandwidth they allocate to you and your situation and/or their ego affecting how they interact with you. for your parents it's ego (if they are good parents and you are not progressing, it must be your fault, not their parenting) for society, most people have their own problems to worry about. the tiny sliver of "CPU processing power" they allocate to you is minuscule (which is fair enough, not like you take the time to worry about random peoples problems) this and their ego (cant just say they don't know, acknowledging that you might not be at fault for your misfortunes may uproot their worldviews about effort and success) some points from the video applied to some of what you have said: 14:27 If you can't acknowledge the impact of your emotions your thoughts are not clear. 14:51 "The moment you acknowledge what you are feeling it changes the feelings power over you" Let's apply what Dr k said here to some of things you said: "Now I'm sitting here and I don't even want to change. My life isn't great and l'm messed up enough but just want to feel better." What emotions are you feeling here? What is the influence they have in your thoughts process? Hopelessness? Despair? Tiredness? try to seperate these emotions from your logic and you can better address it "I don't want to create more problems for myself by making friends and dating and getting a job or going to school." dr k said something here (paraphrasing): 21:43 'when you are unaware of how your emotions and your ego are affecting your thought process, your past becomes your future, your past becomes your destiny.' when considering what Dr K said, Your emotions here may have tainted your thought patterns and you may have perceived 'problems' and your inability to navigate them in your past and thus you have perceived that 'making friends and dating and getting a job or going to school' are problems not challenges you can act upon to overcome. There was a recent live stream about anhedonia or 'slow suicide ' and I see a lot of anhedonic patterns here so I recommend you give it a watch, I created (rather lengthy) timestamps and notes in the comments if you find that stuff useful. Mainly what I think would help here (from the anhedonia stream) is: - seeing positivity instead of negativity - addressing the lack of 2 things: sense of agency and a roadmap - understanding that the more goals you have in your mind the less rewarding achieving each goal feels hope you found that useful, or at least some others do
@@saltiestsiren I completely empathize with this and feel the same lethargy. Luckily I have an outgoing personality to conflict with all of my “I’ve had enough problems and right now I have few so let’s relax here” energy. I know what I want to do and I can barely drive myself to do them. I learned from how shit my parents behaved enough to develop an outgoing and kind personality because they were the opposite with me and it sucked. Basically I absorbed how to mitigate problems developing by being overtly kind and understanding and luckily tempered it to a reasonable degree that it’s primarily beneficial for my life but that’s about the best thing that came from the trauma.
The inner child concept really helps this concept click for me. Because your past relations somehow gaslit you and you need to go back and undo the gaslighting. You were already gaslit. Thank you for writing a book for parents first. We're all fucked up by our past, and the parent is usually the first person to fuck us up. Your book will literally change lives, even if only a few, even if only by a little.
One thing I've learned so much from by listening to Dr K is to correct myself on my prejudices as I talk. He does this a lot, in almost every video of his I watch. Sometimes it's harder to catch than other times, but it reminds me that if I want to communicate WITH others, it's something really important to do - and that amounts to treating ALL people as humans, something that WE all are.
I've come to believe that low self esteem causes an XP debuff in life. It can be so painful to be honest with yourself, that you miss out on learning from your failures. You become avoidant of failure altogether, at which point you are fated to get behind and stuck in life.
When you’re default is beating yourself up. Failing and having more proof of what you feel and think is worse than learning/succeeding and just thinking it was a fluke to begin with. I’m more likely to ruminate about my failures than to ruminate or celebrate my successes. The pain of losing/failing is much worse than the pleasure of winning/succeeding. It least for me it is…
38 years old and this hit hard. Horrible self-esteem issues I am only now dealing with properly. Been in the same job for 14 years, and it is well paying, but zero advancement as I always talk myself out of (or ignore) any opportunities that come up. Next step is therapy of some sort, and possibly trying to get a new job to get me out of my comfort zone but there is a huge part of me that just wants to avoid all of it, stick with where I am, and be miserable till I retire.
Thank you so much for this video. Literally can't tell you how grateful I am to hear this. I've been feeling like EMDR is just gaslighting myself into a new mindset. I've been resisting working on memories because it feels like I'm losing part of my identity as I lose the traumatic emotions. But I'm realizing more that I'm actually just undoing shit that should have NEVER BEEN THERE. I'm returning to my real self, not losing myself.
Wow, this has got to be the most perfect timing for a specific subject for me, ever! I've had THE WORST few days now, contemplating something final multiple times a day, even though I've been doing therapy for about six months now. And I arrived to this conclution myself just a few days ago, that I was not enough for my mother as a child, blamed myself and keep feeling not wanted and like a total failure now, at the age of 32 with my mom being gone for 12 years now. I never got to talk to my mom about these things since we just didn't talk, alcohol and loneliness is the solution my mom went with instead. I realised this and then my depression came back like a fucking freight-train. Now this video drops and gives me perspective and logic when I feel completely lost and hopeless. Thank you again, Dr. K.
Feelings = distortion That clarity helps alot Low self esteem is something that was taught to us. We can use therapy to help reverse the gaslighting So we always have feelings. We need to notice the effect it has on our thoughts Then we also need to notice the effect our idea of self has on our thoughts Then we can be critical and realize that our thoughts are flawed and to take them less seriously Then while taking our thoughts less seriously and not as truth, we can hopefully begin to objectively identify and work on our flaws We have two paths. Work on what we are bad at, or avoid it because we believe we are bad at it. If we choose to work on it, understand that our idea of self and emotional reaction makes it much harder If we don't choose to work on it, understand that we are surrendering our fate
Sorry if the writing on this is a bit messy, but I do think it can often be what people call 'intuition', though (which doesn't mean you should trust and act based only on that right away, in all situations. But ignoring it/yourself, or immediately identifying it as a distortion, to me, doesn't seem very helpful either; as much as taking it into account as a piece of info. about yourself and how you're navigating your situation, to assess if there might be reasons behind those feelings that might be helpful or not [e.g. "I feel uncomfortable with the situation that I'm in, is it due to upbringing or is it because there is something that I don't think is right happening rn?", etc.], might be).
Some children, babies are born anxious because of living in a traumatic environment therefore their nervous systems are affected. Confidence is taught but this stress from birth and their environment needs to be addressed, recognized and helped. Example Gabor Mate talks about himself as a baby. I believe this can be an unknown aspect of depression OCD ADHD however it manifests. Fantastic Work @ Dr K .
It's true. Found birth parents and my mother was extremely messed up mentally and a lot of stress and anxiety on her part. Unfortunately I guess I had to deal with that as a baby them adopted into an older family with lack of stability, proper nurturing, security, and grew up having to watch my fragile, elderly mother instead of me being raised. Definitely a lot of turbulence up stairs and it's hard since most of it probably started from birth, buried as a kid, and explodes as an adult. A predisposed perception of inferiority and insignifice is part of it for me.
I talked with my mother about a time, as i was 2 month old. I puked blood, because some splincer in my stomach wouldn't close. She told me: As they rolled you away and put a tube down your open/wounded throat, you smiled at me. A baby, 2 month old and in what must be horrible pain but still smiled?! I listed closely (i would say on an emotional level) and then i said: Did you interpret it as i was trying to tell you "Do not worry. I will make it" Her reaction was over the top for her and she said very exited: EXACTLY! I myself am not sure what to make of this, but i wanted to share it.
This video has had me messed up all day trying not to cry at work. The fact that self esteem is taught and the only moments of my life that I remember not being put down were by people far removed from my every day life. And now just a heap of things make so much sense
I had difficulty coping with certain stressful situations and my last therapist kept telling me to be kind to myself. I use to tell my therapist I am kind to myself but I also need tools to help me cope. I actually even asked my therapist twice for tools directly and still did not get tools so I searched online for months to find tools which wasn't easy trying to figure it out on my own. The response I got from my therapist was "there are tools and there are tools". Whatever that means along with no further expansion.
Same for me, my therapist actually admitted that shw had gotten stressed out and frustrated herself when she realized my situation and that she actually doesn't know what to say or what advice to give. I quit like a month after that (this year). I used to blame myself for therapy not helping, but the few final sessions with my therapist helped process/understand that cognitive behavioural therapy simply doesn't work for me.
@@ellem8990So sorry to hear that. Yes there can be some bad therapists out there. I hope you end up finding a good one. They are out there.I was really stressed and that's what made me look online. I was fortunate though as always would recommend a therapist even if I had a few bad ones. I also did some of Tony Robbins events which actually helped me alot especially with fear. Thanks for sharing your experience as I feel less alone about it
@@ellem8990So sorry to hear about that. It can be hard but know there are good ones out there. I found being alone made it harder so the more positive resources and people you have around you the better. Thanks for sharing your experience too as I feel less alone about it.
Well said, Dr. K! I am often making efforts to demonstrate these ideas to clients, that something such as shame is mostly taught and is in fact not the baseline "normal human state." Signed, A colleague in mental healthcare (Marriage & Family Therapist here)
This is absolutely true. In my early twenties, a mentor told me, "Confidence is not the consequence. Confidence comes first." At the time, it seemed complete bullshit and went against everything I found to be objectively evident and true. But my life did NOT start feeling like my own, I did NOT begin making strides in my life, until I employed this very frightening but true perspective. In coupling with this: another thing I learned is what "nobody is perfect" TRULY means. Most of us spend our time not doing things, because we want to wait until we're READY to do it. Because we're afraid to fail. We don't want to fail, because we seek to appear perfect/successful. The fact is, nobody is perfect. So the best time to begin doing that thing you've always wanted to do, is now.
I never had that time in my childhood because my mother thought creating a hostile home environment would prepare me for the "real world" (I'm not 35 and not a functioning adult, thanks mom!)
i had little to no time as well. Brother developed shizophrenia and it revolved only around him and about family problems for decades. Yea and i had to change schools often, even before that happened. Not sure how many things i've learned like them with their backflip
My anti therapy family members often accuse the opposite, that therapist will instead make a problem out of nothing and make you believe there is something wrong with you
Typical. They prefer to bury the problem deep down and attack anybody who tries to deal with the problem themselves. Dysfunctional people don't want to face their emotions at any cost.
Sounds like they know something is wrong and they are trying to hide it. Why would someone struggle and need help if there really aren't any problems in their life? Doesn't make sense.
@@kateginger There are bad therapists as well who will just do that. And then that therapy isn't going to be helpful. It's not that black and white, sadly.
@@kateginger Sounds like denial to me. What more is a lot people don't like the idea that you getting therapy might highlight what shame they feel over having something wrong with them. I know people like that who won't associate with you if are in therapy. It's really weird.
Sounds like a reasonable concern to me because ultimately Therapists are running a business and the patient is also a client, and if you go there just for the heck of it, it would certainly profit some of them to diagnose some “condition” or make an issue seem disproportionately more serious and bigger than it actually is which would secure future sessions and therefore greater inflow of cash. To deny the economic motive and assume that all the therapists are people of integrity who will genuinely prioritise your interest over their own(as someone like Dr. K would) is simply naive. Furthermore not every therapist is equally competent and combine that with the profit motive, ironically some of them can possibly gaslight the patient into believing that there is something “wrong” with them when in reality things might be simpler or more nuanced. Of course not everyone in that industry has unscrupulous motives or doubtful competence but like many things in life, a careful examination of one’s own needs and an exercise of due caution before handing over the key to one’s own mind to a functional stranger with a medical license would be a prudent thing to do.
Finding your channel was a gift. I’m a 56 year old professional that found themselves unemployed and isolated through covid and have not recovered or returned to ‘normal’ since. I am now beginning to suspect that I have lived on the autistic spectrum with ADHD my entire life and suffered a masking burnout/ breakdown just before covid. Although my current doctor has been great, finding a therapist is impossible and finding someone who is in a position to diagnose such that the right therapy or treatment can be applied is even harder. ADHD is still seen as a ‘youth’ issue so 90% of support is not for adults. In the last five years my health has spiralled downhill and I now take medication for blood pressure, gout and depression, and was told last week I am borderline for type 2 diabetes. I no longer feel that I will wver recover or return to ‘normal’ society and will never find the help I need. I wish I had seen something like this forty years ago. As I now survive on income support I cannot afford to fund support privately and find your posts are pretty much spot on for me every time. As a final message to anyone who reached the end of this post, I wish you all the best on your own personal journeys. Oh yeah, and thanks for your content lol
So a big problem for me in therapy is I'll go into describing myself, my childhood, my past and current issues and than get asked the question of why I think this is the case or why this happened. And I don't have a good answer. I wasn't abused, neglected, living in poverty, severely bullied, etc, etc., and yet I still have so many issues. That's the thing that gets me the most because atleast if I were abused or neglected I'd have a clear reason why I am how I am. It feels more like I'm an absolute failure when for all intents and purposes my childhood was as stable as anyone could ask for.
I have some similar thoughts- there's a an ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score which covers the big common childhood traumas, but then I found out that there's a PCE (positive childhood experiences) equivalent and I found I had a very low score in this. I realized while I had a really stable and "good" childhood, I was actually missing a lot of positive supports/had a lot of long term unmet needs. Everyone is different and that unmet stuff might be something someone else wouldn't miss, but it's important to you.
I feel the same man... i have always eaten well, been taken care of (except for my mental health? It wan't a thibg at the time), i had birthday parties yet not many friends. Now Im 26, dropped out, living in grandparents home, not doing anything with my life un'ess I have the extraordinary chance of someone asking me to do something. I can't get myself to do anything by myself. I feel like an adult child, I feel shame for it
I understand You perfectly, with my attempts to work with professionals I sudenlly don't remember much of anything, which made answearing many questions impossible and whole conversation a one big fight to not shutt down.
This has been really helpful Doc k it’s really pointed out that alot of my self perceptive thoughts are not only unusual but a major contributor to my self deletion desires, hopefully it’ll help me keep those at bay till I can get professional help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart doctor k, you’re keeping many people on this planet here a little longer with your content!
I've been watching your videos for a while now, some more than others. Every time i feel like it makes so much sense and that I could actually get out of this state of just constantly feeling miserable and worthless. I even tried IRL therapy but it just feels like it doesn't help with anything. for every good day I have, 3 bad days follow and I just keep drowning in my misery. It has gotten to a point where I do the things I have to do (school, working my 2 jobs and everything) and for the rest of my time i just sit there and just wait until the day is finally over, just to do it all over again. I haven't felt actual long term joy in a very long time and at this point i cannot convince myself that it's ever gonna change. I really don't know what to do anymore. The only thing that drives me really, is that I still have the slightest bit of hope that some day I might be happy and can enjoy life like others do. (It probably doesn't matter and I guess you can see it as excuses but just for context. I have been diagnosed with ADHD at 10. I grew up in a poor family where we hadn't even had enough money to eat everyday. My stepfather was abusive and used to hit me pretty much every other day. My parents always told me that I am the problem bcs I was to hard to handle due to my ADHD, so they put me into a "youth facility" (don't know a better description for it) for 3 years between the age of 10 and 13. I barely had any friends, which still is true today, so I'm used to being alone. I am 24 Years old now) I don't really talk about my feelings bcs neither do I want to nor am I able to. I figured I'll just say that here since nobody knows me here and that makes it easier to just say all of that
If you're open to being friends, more than happy to welcome it! Things will look up at a point, it's all about how to resch it is how I think of it, you're trying and that matters a lot more than you might think. Keep it up! You got this.
Therapy is one of the most iluminating experiences i have ever had, the simple realization that the currently capitalist world we live in just makes us believe and want things that dont actually are that important, making new goals, figuring out what you actually want, those are so liberaring once you are able to overcome, but is not easy.
I agree with what you are saying, but be careful with the word “capitalist”, because any other system isn’t any better. The truth is that we, like you mentioned, live in a world dominated by rich people who are selling products to get rich. They need workers, and those workers need to spend money on their products, so everything is about how to market useless things to us to make us want to spend that money. Everything is about preserving this status quo. Agreed. But we most people fail, and this is why I said to be careful using that word, is that they think that they will change this somehow by changing the system that we live in into something more akin to socialism or communism. The truth is that there’s never changing human behavior. Socialism and communism merely shift the responsibility and the power from the corporations to a government with equally fallible human beings. The only way that you can break this cycle is to become aware of it. It is to stop believing the things that are marketed towards you, understanding that those who are marketing it I’m merely selling the products that they have.
@@caryg4638 you do realize capitalism has become more and more self destructive? The bourgeouis has failed to be long term thinkers. They have been replaced by those who wants the most money/capital the fastest No more do we see a "human" relationship in a capitalistic workplace, its more and more one way relationship caressed in "professionalism" although real professionalism doesnt include office politics
Damn, this video is so fire! To me, one of the main problems is doubting my own perception and not knowing when a problem actually is my fault or if I’m just gaslighting myself into thinking that it is. I recently successfully finished a PhD and some external forces have led me to punish myself for failing at different tasks, or criticizing what I do endlessly even if I’m succeeding, leading to a spiral of stress and anxiety that just paralyzed me. I’m trying to see things more objectively to recover from it all. This framework with the 3 parts (emotional mind, ego, and intellectual mind) really helps.
Unfortunately, many therapists have far more problems than their clients and it bleeds into therapy leaving the client even more issues to deal with and overcome.
Cause like when I moved to university on a new city I had a hard time making friends since I'm shy and anxious. So went to a therapist who told me I just needed to go to college party's and I'll eventually make friends there. This made everything this worse, since I don't drink and don't like loud people, then I feel like a failure, since all she keep telling me was to try harder next time. Only when I quit that therapist, and start trying on my own to deep my connection with my classmates I start making friends and eventually a boyfriend (We're together for 6 years). So yeah bad therapy can be gaslighting, no shame on quiting or changing therapists. When I went back to therapy a few years later, I find someone that better suit for me.
omg yes. And there are unfortunately therapists with personal missions that are not the patients' best interests too. I had one that basically tried to undo my progress in recognizing that I have a problem helping people despite needing to help myself because she thought I was part of the next generation that would change the world 🤦🏻♀️ She then said I was resisting treatment because I refused to go back to such unhealthy patterns.
I've been in and out of therapies since I was 8, I'm turning 30, I've had overwhelmingly bad experiences with bad therapists. I totally get it. The system is a hot mess, it's fucked up that they get away with labeling people as "mentally ill" for having the exact reactions you'd expect vulnerable individuals to have to some of the insidious, retraumatizing bs that they call "help."
@@juliadcraideIt can be even worst. An intervention of a therapist provoked me a state of panic for 8 days. Fortunately she recommendeded me my present therapist who has helped me a lot and suspected I was autistic. A therapist is not meant to make you feel everything is perfect or easy but to help you understand you and your relationship with others, change what doesn't work and, if you need it, to reprocess trauma.
*clicks on new video* *first 10 seconds brutally summarising my childhood and its echoes onto my current adulthood* Aah...so it's *that* kind of video...imma save this one for the 2am content.
What I experienced in CBT therapy was definitely gaslighting. Because they basically told me to ignore my problems or to put the cart before the horse. Best example was "I will never get a girlfriend because I am so ugly." "Think that you are beautiful despite not getting a girlfriend" Well. My concern was NOT about being ugly but about not getting a girlfriend..😒 if I would have gotten a girlfriend then despite being ugly, I would not have cared about being ugly. When I told my therapist that I felt the therapy was not working at all, je told me to shut up. I asked him to show me one part where I improved after more than 2 years. He told me again to shut up..🙄 If they would have wanted to get rid of my negative thoughts, they could have easily accomplished that by telling me "your problem of not getting a girlfriend is not because you are ugly but because you do that thing wrong. Stop doing that" If that would have brought improvement, I would stopped calling myself ugly.😅 Instead I ran away from therapy
LMAO CBT. i remember three months straight of ''okay think about your childhood and close your eyes'' ''breathe in and out'' ''what do you feel?'' me: nothing for an hour, once a week for three months. I swear some therapists have like one tool and if that doesnt work they are useless
Great video. Dr. K’s point on acknowledging and understanding the impact of your feelings reminds me of Carl Jung’s quote: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”
Wow, I don't even know what to say. This lecture was necessary. I'm a 42 year old man that has lived his life believing this internal talk (gas lighting) is a type of therapy to get me to move. It did, and still does, but the mental anguish and negative perspective sucks and doesn't change. Thank you.
This is something I've realized as a root for many conflicts: some people will show more tolerance and acceptance of that which is tolerable and acceptable than others. When someone antagonize with hostility for something that is tolerable and acceptable then you can be certain that it wasn't a problem of your traits or behaviour (shame or guilt) but of their anger or hate (disgust) and you don't exist to obey, be liked or serve anyone (fawning response) This is why therapy is important, they at least accept and tolerate what is acceptable and tolerable in you.
Man this guy is just awesome. I learned so much about myself because of this guy and still keep on learning. I love his fast pace. It is so easy for me to keep focused. Not like some of these other people out there, that keep beating around the bush. And to top it all off, I love that he doesn't take himself to serious and does that "Apu" voice. It gets me every time😂
Understanding the negative/narcistic perception part was huge for me. I never had a fear of rejection, I didn't realize it but I had a fear of ghosting which was actually more mentally damaging to me and is so common now. If someone turns me down they often explain or you can understand the vibe was off and at least its closure, but being ghosted left me with endless ways I might of fucked up.
Ghosting is the worst. I get that some ppl do it because they are scared of being pulled into an endless conversation from someone who doesnt wanna be rejected. But please, at least explain what went wrong, and then you can block me. Not that i need this rn but its fucked with me in the past alot, and im obviously far from the only one
This video was amazing. I am starting therapy again after 3 years of struggling and refusing to take action while my life was spiraling out of control. I identify with about 90% everything dr. K said, so thank you very much for the video!
This video honestly changed my life. I've been following the content before, I worked on my emotional awareness and that part was not any useful for me since I already worked on it to a big extent. But I never knew about the ego thing. And framing it in the lens of "distorting my thoughts" and such made me realize so much about my world view and myself. I constantly compare myself to others, put myself down, compare myself to others (ie. I'm not as attactive as xyz, person abc is way better with the ladies than me, I'm not as good at xyz than so and so) and I thought this was NORMAL AND HEALTHY. But its quite the opposite, its my ego talking and its my ego that is distorting the conclusions I come to. It has helped me reframe a lot of things I've been grappling with lately and things that I've just felt "blocked" about. This video I still come back to it constantly (like right now)
15:10. This is actually such a brilliant concept to practice for people with OCD intrusive thoughts. For people like this our thoughts feel all the more real simply because we thought it. If we can put the name of the emotion these thoughts cause to the thought maybe we can interrupt our brain’s tendency to treat every thought we have as truth. I myself find myself caught up in the thoughts themselves instead of the emotions they evoke and I often channel the strong feelings into the energy of fear and worry rather than acknowledging the emotions before they turn into fear and worry and cutting off and discrediting the OCD at the source. This is brilliant and something I’ve thought about but haven’t been able to articulate as a full functioning concept. Thank you Dr. K, I will be practicing this going forward
I am a person who likes knowing things and having answers. I think to have a foundation of knowledge of why we feel what we feel in life is not only within our own minds, but the environments in which we take evidence and “reality” from. Im currently studying anthropology, which i highly recommend for other people to dive into as the socialization of humans as a group is fascinating and gives insight to why we lean towards understanding ourselves, fixing ourselves, undoing ourselves, wallowing in our sufferings, and those who “defy” the odds and make it out… its not that people are necessarily special compared to one another, its the way we as beings structure one another… WITHOUT questioning it AND without acting on such questions.
I literally was talking with this with my girlfriend earlier this day. am unlearning all the gaslight of what my limits are, disconnecting what people perception and start connecting what i really am.
How do you disconnect from other people? People cut straight through me like a hot knife to butter. This is a puzzle I have made little to no progress on my whole knife
Thank you for explaining this! It's exactly what I feel, but I am still feeling guilty about being myself. A 49 years old Autistic and ADHDer woman. Isolated, lonely, depressed, not being understand and support by my family.
Such an insightful video! Recognizing self-gaslighting and confronting it is the first step towards healing and personal growth. Thank you for sharing!
My ego wants to elevate Dr K. Your videos are an amazing contribution. I feel there are not many people who can explain psychological issues so clearly and also with reasonably actionable tips.
6 years of therapy and i still feel like a failure and avoid doing things. Turned down a job just 2 days back because i was so afraid of failure and perception and not knowing what i want to do. Its so hard to overcome these deeprooted external viases. honestly it does geel impossible, even if its not.
Totally agree. Therapy for just feeling better does not make sense. It is good to have support. But people need to know how to overcome their vices, develop good habits, and have healthy mindsets and values that could lead them to a healthier and happier life. A professor specialized in happiness mentioned once that happiness is based on genes, environment, and habits. But I would say also values. Having bad attachments does not help. I don't know anybody whose vices make them happy. It is good to have hobbies, but in a balanced way. Changing environments sometimes could work wonders, as the professor mentioned.
"Self-esteem is a reflection of the esteem that other people give you. That's where self-esteem comes from. That's why it's so hard to gain self-esteem." So true! Thankfully, we have meditation to understand that the self is just an idea.
Okay I will say most of it is the perception of being happy so being “gaslit” into believing your happy isn’t bad. On the other hand believing your mistakes aren’t mistakes, not learning from them is the side we see a lot that’s bad for them and the rest of the world
this is pretty much the entire essence of what modern-day therapy is predicated on. all therapists are gaslighters who must gaslight their patients in order to maintain their own delusions. in today’s individualistic therapy culture, everyone is encouraged to believe themselves to be the single most important person on earth for one session a week, and then to carry that mentality with them throughout the rest of their lives.
@@eebbaa5560ok that isn’t what therapy does and if that is your experience you’ve had one hell of a shitty therapist. It happens. There are a lot of crappy ones out there. Unfortunately the whole mental healthcare system in the US (which I’m assuming you are in) is absolute shit so I understand if “just fire your therapist and get a new one” doesn’t work for many people whether due to lack of or crappy insurance which limits your choices of quality providers.
These videos claiming that it's all internal and it's all our perspective. Completely ignores the fact that external factors have humongous inputs on our lives. It's ironically gaslighting in itself
I was in a very religious school in my childhood. In my personal experience, labeling does have an impact. Teachers would say we're a section of devil possessed students for being loud during kindergarten, and the label stuck. Now most of us including me have a love for rebellious and metal music. I know it sounds edgy, but the other sections who were treated like angels ended up loving gospels.
Thanks Dr K, this is is exactly the video i needed tonight. I've been gaslighting myself all day saying I'm not worth it and this video really helped me work through those thoughts.
You just made my life significantly by comprehensively laying out how acknowledging, or lack thereof, emotion reduces its impact on your thought process. Thank you
The voice you made about a minute in reminded me of natives in Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath. Fantastic game, surprisingly powerful story. I didn't think theeapy was gaslighting, just clicked to see what you were talking about. I'm using HRV breathwork to great benefit. I don't feel like a manic\depressive cynical asshole on the days I do it, which has been every day for 3 months. It's helped me get motivated to finally buy land and make a sweet permaculture garden and share food. I'm working 6 days a week, saving up fast. Main issue to avoid is my restlesness, I tend to go on pointless long minimalism adventures when I save up some money because I was damaged by moving too much as a kid and learned to not make deeper connections with people and place because it will be torn from me. So I need to do the opposite and chill and work and be patient and get that land. Once I have it, motivation isn't a problem at all, I have a huge back pressure of ideas I am desperate to explore directly. Eventually I will figure out ways of making money from the land as well, like wood crafts, but that's not the primary focus. Improving the soil and growing food and sharing the abundance and teaching others how to do it too is the focus. If money comes, fine, but I'll work normal jobs for the rest of my days if I have to in order to keep that garden maturing. Eventually the food trees will get big and the abundance will grow yearly without more inputs, but that takes time. Lovely time, in the garden.
O.M.G. I was less academically gifted than my siblings, and I got 100% one time. ONE TIME. It was a huge accomplishment for myself I was so proud. "Finally, I'll make my parents proud". My mom's answer: "great, do it again. You should get 100% every time. " That's it. Meanwhile my (White) friends would do mediocre and get McDonald's as rewards which I was wildly confused about. (I later met Asian friends who grew up with way more relaxed parents than myself which was more the exception than the rule but I would say that yes, there are definitely cultural trends, you just need to look at the stats on monetary success and also su*c1de). And whenever I'd finish my homework AND all the 4 other extra curricular schooling I did from piano to musical theory, training and learning a 3rd language, my mom's answer was that I did the bare minimum and I should do better. So ya, I grew up a perfectionist, full of anxiety, needing outside validation which is crippling and impossible. The amount of breaking all that down and healing was DIFFICULT but also a necessary GAME CHANGER.
Hey Dr. K, I am a big fan of yours. I wish you could make a video on personality disorders and the potential for its associated behaviors becoming a sort of self-fullfilling prophecy once diagnosed.
What’s important is not whether a “fact” is objectively true or false. What’s important is whether that fact is useful. Did my childhood prepare me for adulthood? The “facts” of my personal history are irrelevant. It’s not useful to believe my childhood was in some way deficient. Everybody grows. Even kids. Even adults. Just don’t stop growing and you’ll do fine.
I've been in therapy 2 years ago for like 2-3 months. Looking back I am glad I glad I had it in a way it was and I am grateful to the therapist that consulted me. The very first thing he told me at the end of our first session was "There is nothing wrong with you. You just think too bad of yourself." I was like "That's exactly why I am here." It took me two years to realize how spot on was that statement. "There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with the world and people around me. The only thing that is wrong is my mind screwing me up."
When I openend up about my problems, my brother told me to get over it. It got better but this stuck, he has no empathy for the way I'm feeling. My mother is stupid but means well, I guess and my father doesn't acknowledge shit and avoids responsibility. There are ties that bind you to your family, forever. Sometimes I wish I could sever them. My parents are old and need attention and some support, well I'm not willing to. I have to invest in me now because you didn't back then. Good luck.
I like the idea of perceiving feelings and emotions. I’ve been dealing with depression for 4 or 5 years now, on the first year I was dealing with real depressive symptoms but now I don’t know if this is worse or better but I’m numb, I don’t feel anything, the only feeling I can feel sometimes it’s sadness but mostly is just nothing, just living one day at a time. I tried to explain this to my doc but he does not understand my lack of feelings and emotions, he will ask what’s on my mind and I’ll say “nothing. I know that I’m here right now” then he just pumps more meds on me, I nod and go away to buy the new meds all the time, I don’t know if I’m getting better but I don’t feel anything about it
You should offering 1 off coaching sessions instead of having to buy a whole bundle of them. The 1-offs could basically be commercials for the whole package, but it is hard to justify the large upfront investment without at least a reasonably priced trial.
I completely empathize with this and feel that sense of lethargy toward acting in my own benefit because it was rarely enough and I’m happy with the few problems I have now compared to how it could be. Luckily I have an outgoing personality to conflict with all of my “I’ve had enough problems and right now I have few so let’s relax here” energy. I know what I want to do and I can barely drive myself to do them. I learned from how shit my parents behaved enough to develop an outgoing and kind personality because they were the opposite with me and it sucked. Basically I absorbed how to mitigate problems developing by being overtly kind and understanding and luckily tempered it to a reasonable degree that it’s primarily beneficial for my life but that’s about the best thing that came from the trauma. I still wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and I’m only 30. Lack of action and being comfortably numb are such silent killers.
There are many different forms of therapy. Each one is valid, but each one will only be as effective as each individual therapist, is capable of meeting you where you’re at and experienced in doing so. Accepting yourself where you’re at is necessary so you understand the terrain. In trauma therapy, understanding why you came up with what is no longer serving you now, was so necessary and down right clever to survive a situation that was untenable. Therapy is not easy, but it is one of the bravest things we can do, for ourselves and the ones we love and want to spare from our undesirable stuff.
Here's my question: Why is it that most "therapy/therapists" puts all the work on the patient? What do I mean? I mean that most therapy (in my personal experience) the therapist doesn't do much of anything but ask you how you feel or what do you think or do cbt or go exercise etc etc. Why don't they instead do something that is so much more helpful for people such as: videos like this but in person with the patient? Because video's like this (I've watched two of your videos now) have done more for me than therapy has in over 25 years of going (off and on). Therefore, therapy really is a bit like gaslighting in the fact that it's no where near as effective as a professional just info bombing like this to allow the patient to have even the slightest idea what's actually going on and think on that instead of making them 100% figure it out themselves with a crumb thrown here or there. I'm both happy I found your channel and pissed as hell this isn't what "actual therapy" is like. I wasted so many years of my life being chronically depressed because of this. But now I feel like I actually have the KNOWLEDGE that therapy doesn't provide for long term depression that isn't helped by medication, therapy, meditation, exercise, socialization, etc etc etc etc etc.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that therapists themselves are usually not as experienced as Dr. K. and are just human beings too, and they too have a skill issue like everyone else, no one is perfect. They are doing their best to help, but I guess that's all they are capable of doing at that moment.
Ouch...... Yeah they never did throw any parties ofr anyone in the house, judges which friends i should or shouldn't have, doesn't socialize with other people and so many more..... Having to start all of these myself when I'm a grown-ass adult is very energy and mentally exhausting
@HealthyGamerGG 23:11 Do you have a video on how to deal with this? Great video, by the way. I used to think I was just procrastinating, but lately I’ve realized that I have no interest in achieving anything because I’ve always felt like a failure. This might be because I was always second to my brother. I never feel like I could be good at anything-it seems as impossible to me as living on the moon does to others. It doesn’t even feel worth trying. I want to change that, but I don’t know how.
Having been deeply depressed my view on the world was negativ and I didn't have a reason to be unhappy. Just like I now when I am happy, don't really have a reason for that either. We as a family has been through some massive hardship the past few years to the point where people around us are worried about us, meanwhile we just wake up and take the day as it comes staying happy for absolutely no reason. We focus on now, as a family and don't spent to much worrying about what has been.
I keep waiting for someone to be saying “yeah, I don’t want therapy to gaslight me into thinking I’m a decent person…” followed by describing actually doing terrible/cruel, irredeemable behavior, but it never seems to happen. Let me know if there’s a comment like “I punt puppies! For distance! And I love it!” There’s a difference between doing terrible things, and doing regular things badly. The second is usually resolved by experience and making enough mistakes to learn from
I forgot where I saw it, but I read somewhere, "Your first thought is what you were taught, your next thought is how you actually feel." If your thoughts, especially about yourself, match, that's a problem. Re-evaluate the situation.
For me, stopping to care, thinking less and doing more helped a lot with these kinds of issue. I'm 200% part of the "everything is your own fault" mindset. I think it does some harm but the opposite does a lot more. I believe spciety is stronger when made of depressed accountable adults rather than happy irresponsible ones. In order to move from the former to happy responsible, I think you got to choose some side quests and stick to it (music, art, sport). As you get better at it, it gets easier to start routines. Routines is what compounds to stability which helps accountability.
Well, sometimes the therapist can't really help, but you "should" still go to them because you can't seem to get your life on track. And while you know why you in this position and the real problem is that your forced to be overworked because you can't afford your life and can't really do much about it but try as many losing games as possible and maybe/probably never get lucky enough to win one.
doing therapy the right way is hard, and it's definitely doing something. of course if you just show up and expect someone else to cure you it won't do much (even though a good therapist will still tickle your problems out). but you should be ready to be real and vulnerable, maybe cry infront of them, or challenge thoughts that you always thought were real.
But mind over matter doesn’t work either. I have had plenty of times when I behave with confidence, where I push any negative thoughts behind, and just act like “this is the day where things change for me”…but they never change. In fact, I have worse outcomes when I try to implement self-belief and confidence. So just changing my mindset doesn’t do anything, if nothing in my life improves, but instead throws me back to square one. Why should I put in effort to get nowhere? Especially when so much of my life is beyond my control, and the only thing left to control is myself. My handling shitty situations is the only thing I can control, and it gives me nothing in return. I don’t feel great about not making a scene over things that happen to me that are unfair. That seems equivalent to gaslighting behavior, but it seems to be the only thing therapists harp on about.
Something that I discovered recently is that we always distort ourselves and our perception of the world when we go online into social media or engage in a similar form of immersive habitual behavior, until we eventually forget that we are in an altered state of mind and pass it off as normal. The moment I started really understanding that this is harmful, I started being more aware of my altered states, and my overall positive attitude towards social media turned negative. I removed Reddit. I started drawing a lot better than I used to since I really like to draw, and I brought back my real emotions. My laughter became more real. The clarity of my words improved, and that's considering that I am autistic. I brought back my clarity of mind, and now I'm limiting my social media use and am more frequently aware of where I am mentally.
Getting offline helps because it enables you to ignore all the bad stuff happening in other people's lives. To some people the ability to feel better is worth some willful ignorance but not to me.
Human brain is not designed (evolutionarily) for all this new technology shit. Unless you know EXACTLY how it is affect YOU PERSONALLY anytime you use it, I think it has a chance of misleading your brain and thought process.
If the emotional circuitry is always active then we are feeling some emotion all the time. Some emotional states may lead to bad decisions while other may lead to more informed or better decisions. Which emotional states are conducive to good decision making?
Uhhhhh wow, this hits hard, I lost my confidence in myself for the first time very soon in my childhood and even when I rebuilt a little at occasion, it was very quickly taken away each time. Hum.
I never thought therapy was gaslighting and do think it can be very helpful to people. But I should be very skeptical because I was gaslight by not only therapists but Dr.s for 5. years. I had a really bad deviated septum that made it impossible to breathe and since I am not a mouth breather I had trouble breathing all the time with panic attacks. All dr.s said I was either fine or I had asthma, acid reflex, or bad posture, allergies and everything else under the sun. Finally I went to therapy and spilled my guts on anything and everything I could think of because I wanted to be normal again. Each therapist came up with a new trauma or issue that I wasn't addressing. I couldn't bare myself more even if I stripped down naked. What wasn't I addressing that is causing these problems? After my 5th visit with ENT they finally discovered the septum issue. They showed pictures of how badly mangled it was. One surgery later and I never felt better. So for 5 years I had experts in all sorts of fields tell me what was wrong with me when they had no idea but still insisted I was doing something wrong. That was truly eye opening experience that some times your instincts are not wrong and not all experts are right.
I think the “therapy is gaslighting” sentiment is worth more critical consideration when it’s from people who are kept miserable by the society they’re in/their circumstances, because a lot of therapists, especially in the West, will try to CBT their patient’s way out of objectively terrible circumstances like abusive living situations, poverty, and overwork. Therapy can absolutely be used to convince people that their reasonable reactions to abusive living conditions are distortions. My best experiences have been with therapists who help me distinguish between what is a true cognitive distortion and what I need to seek outside assistance for
@@jayjustinbasil7221 And imo cognitive distortions aren't distortions. They're only distortions when taken out of the context where the person got used to thinking that way. For example it may seem like someone "catastrophizes" a lot. But if we go look at their childhood, everything could turn easily into a catastrophe, as their parents would get easily triggered, start shouting, abuse etc. It wasn't "catastrophizing" back then. It was correctly assessing the situation. It's only when the child is placed into healthy dynamics,they naturally expect the same,so their thoughts seem distorted. But they aren't. A healthy person's thoughts will also seem distorted when placed in an abusive relationship and they don't expect catastrophes where they are. This is a crucial problem of CBT.
@@An1MuS Exactly, good point. Super minor example, but I have ADHD and was always told that I struggled due to laziness and carelessness by everyone who interacted with me. My “low self-esteem” is logical when it’s how I was taught to think of myself since I was born. Therapists I’ve liked haven’t even tried to work on my self-esteem because it’s too difficult to undo a lifetime of learning, what’s important is learning to succeed and overcome the hurdles low self-esteem can give you. I wasn’t even abused and unlearning that stuff was too hard to be worthwhile, I can only imagine how hard it would be for ppl with PTSD from child abuse. Framing someone’s experiences and thoughts as “distortions” is belittling and doesn’t encourage positive change or growth
@@jayjustinbasil7221 But if you were always told by everyone who interacted with you that you struggled due to laziness and carelessness then you were abused. This is my point in another comment. People can almost never identify abuse and neglect in their own lives unless someone points it out to them. Not your fault, or any other victims fault, because a big part of abuse is convincing the victim it's their fault. A person who was properly loved by people around them will not have low self esteem. We internalize others view of ourselves when we're little. If others make us feel worthless, lazy, careless, we come to believe we are. And sometimes this can happen in an even more invisible way, but which is also abusive - by neglect. In my experience a ton of people with ADHD aren't overtly abusive towards others because they didn't experience it, but they experienced a lot of emotional neglect. Those of us in trauma circles in fact defend a subset of ADHD is a flight type response to trauma.
@@An1MuS I suppose so - I got a lot more help for my ADHD than other kids my age did, and I wasn’t DIRECTLY told I was lazy/stupid by adults, just that that’s what my choices reflected, if that makes sense.
i thank you so much doc you really helped me a lot, i think psychology should be taught to everyone because it is actually so hard to be a healthy human
I see therapy as a means of learning ways in which to deal with mental problems in a helpful way and/or identifying my mental strengths, weaknesses and unique characteristics
Great vid! Do you think you could talk about the fears and pressures of becoming a parent for the first time in today’s already demanding settings? Appreciate you all!
It is a good topic. Most women suffer a lot of anxiety trying to be "the perfect mother", attending to social standards (peadiatricians, social media and relatives who dare say to them how to be a good mother). And a lot of parents don't know how to manage technology that didn't exist in their parents generation.
What's even more defeating is when people tell you to "stop blaming everyone else for your problems". I definitely understand the sentiment behind taking control, and this is where the narrative around taking responsibility even when it isn't your fault steps in. There's a persistent narrative around taking control, not expecting others to save you and doing it all alone. BUT, there's also value in acknowleding that your environment and the people surrounding you can be at least partially responsible for your situation, good or bad. Hell, it might even help to stop blaming and beating yourself up, even though "society" tries to condition you with individualism and blaming yourself for everything.
@@skymeows1286It’s like you didn’t even read what was said 😭
society does not condition you to blame yourself at all. i would argue that the entire disease of individualism is predicated on the fact that it wants you externalize as much as possible. we live in a self-obsessed culture that does not tolerate incursions or perceived slights to the self. people don’t care about introspection anymore, yet society is paradoxically self-absorbed.
@@skymeows1286 I can't do that, but if I can't make them not be the problem, then I shouldn't accept responsibility for their actions. Sometimes you just have to accept other people won't change, and even if they aren't inherently bad, you should stay away from them. As Dr. k points out though, sometimes people will try to condition you into believing your own behavior affects them in a way that causes adverse consequences for you. It's especially dicey when it's someone who holds some level of power and authority over you, like a parent, teacher or boss. There are way too many stories of bad parents or bosses who can essentially get away with mistreating the people they're in control of, and those people have to accept it and find coping strategies to manage the power imbalance.
@@eebbaa5560 I'm not sure about that. Maybe we have had different experiences, but there's definitely a lot of self help types telling people to take responsibility and stop blaming others, just like there's untold break room walls with posters telling you it's all on you to have the right attitude, which conveniently absolves them of any responsibility to create an environment and culture that assists the workers in having said attitude.
@@Jazzmaster1992 i’m not saying that what you’re saying doesn’t exist, i just don’t believe that it’s what is the most popular belief system right now. i agree about what you’re saying in that always blaming yourself isn’t really helpful, but therapists especially are not the ones who are telling people about the ‘internal locus of control’ shit.
Summary:
- Therapy is often misunderstood as gaslighting oneself into feeling better, but in reality, it undoes the negative self-beliefs instilled by others (e.g., parents).
- Many people's negative self-perception, such as feeling like a failure, is rooted in early life experiences where they were taught they could never be good enough, rather than based on their actual abilities.
- Confidence and self-esteem are not innate but are shaped by external influences, such as supportive parents or environments, rather than personal discovery alone.
- Therapy helps uncover the distortions in one's thinking and emotions, allowing for clearer, more objective self-understanding, rather than blind positivity.
- Emotional awareness is crucial for clear thinking, and therapy helps individuals recognize how emotions like anger, sadness, or jealousy distort their thought processes.
Perfectly stated. 👏👏👏
Gg
These videos claiming that it's all in our head is gaslighting. People's environmental factors shape their lives.
We need to ask hard questions like why do men who are 6'4 earn on average..... Nearly a million dollars more in their life than someone who is 5'6. Humans are so arrogant to think that they have any real control in life. Your genetic and environmental factors guide the vast amount of your life. Usa needs to wake up from the illusion of true free Will
Thank you ♡
Love this; thank you!!
One thing I realised for the first time today, "Self-esteem is a scam,....Self-esteem is a reflection of the esteem that other people give you" damn, this hits hard, I have been trying for years trying to fix it, but never succeeded, now I finally know.
Everyone intuitively knows this, they just don't dare to acknowledge it.
My most recent therapy session we invited my parents to have a talk to understand my childhood, one of the most hurtful thing was my mom sayjng that i was too brilliant and that i might be arrogant, that's why they had to be mean to me and break me. They had to preemptively destroy me for what, a future risk of becoming arrogant? Why??!
Thinking back about my behavior at home i think a lot of my self sabotaging was because I subconsciously am aware of her jealousy at my cleverness, that i became "selectively mute" in only English between age 6 and 16. (We are a Chinese family in Chinese speaking environment, and my mom is ashamed of her own English abilities. So in situations where English is needed I would whisper in Chinese in my friend's ear and my friend would speak for me) I had no problems with speaking English until I notice her feelings.
@@Sayurichyan just be lucky your parents even had the ability to open up and admit that.
Anytime I try and talk with mine, it just turns into everything being my fault and I just need to “man up”. Be nice if I was taught how to at least be one.
My parents would get jealous of any talent I had and never encouraged me, only used it against me in strange ways.
The parents in this country have really created so many broken individuals and then gas lighted children into thinking there is something wrong with them from birth, instead of being destroyed by broken parents in broken homes.
This just drives home, even further, how toxic and unsupportive my family was. I never felt supported, Never felt loved. Barely felt cared for. When I did have friends I was told that they were bad/wrong, and never tried to see it from my angle, or what worked for me. Always made me feel as though my choices were bad/wrong/incorrect. Never really had any freedoms. Never had any backup. I was always the problem. Never good enough.
This is why it's an uphill battle to believe in or support myself in any meaningful way, even at 41. It's hard to believe anybody else would take any sort of positive view toward me either. I constantly question it.
You deserve to feel happy and loved. Stay strong❤
You can't choose your family
This seems like excellent self awareness to me. Here's wishing you a full recovery, no matter how long it takes.
Please, feel hugged. Those 24 minutes were a realization to me. I really feel something similar. Feeling like any decision is the wrong one brought me to where I am now.
ik this is a just a youtube comment but i truly wish u well
My fathers expectations are like this :
- get a perfect 10dgpa. "Nothing less than 100%"
- rank under 100 in a national level entrance test. "Everything else is useless".
- be as disciplined as possible while my parents behave like a child and do random thing at random times.
The only thing i ever got from my father was unhealthy food, bad communication skills, a bit a ragged clothing and tution fee.
I don't have parents. I have sponsors. Which hey is better than a kid getting bombed but you know is not ideal.
@@r.i.t.i.k.a I relate to this sentiment so hard.
The last sentence is the key. Is anything short of ideal going to be a problem? .... You gave both perspectives in one sentence, which cancelled them both out. You have to choose - are you lucky or unlucky? Could you have it worse? Do ppl that do have it worse get by, or even build amazing lives? Have you allowed your parents shortcomings to define your life? If you know about them, you can make those improvements and have a better life and family then they did. Were they supposed to be perfect ppl, or give you what you need to become whatever you want? Sounds like they did that.
Ha, same, man. Throughout my childhood, I was constantly told I was lazy, untidy, dirty, and stupid. My parents even called me animal names (like 'goat'). No matter how much I tried, cleaning their house, tidying up, it was never enough. Now that I know better, I realize it was never really about me. I was just a scapegoat for their own issues. Unfortunately, I still have to live with those nasty voices in my head telling me I'll never be enough. On the bright side, they've changed a bit-they're better people now.
Wow, complete opposite for me. My parents wanted good grades and for me to succeed financially because that represents safety to them, but they were way more chill about. Mostly B's with some A's and C's was fine for them. They took it in stride when I dropped out of college after a year and became a hobo in my 20s and 30s. They would have had to beat me severely to prevent this outcome, and then I would have never spoken to them again after leaving the house. Ultimately, it's not up to them.
It's interesting how some of you say they were called lazy for whatever you did. For me it was different, I wasn't called lazy but only when I didn't do 150% and constantly overstepped my boundaries and masked the sh*t of my life. Then I was "okay". Messed me up in a similar way, not feeling I'm accepted as a human being but also not having any skills to respect my own boundaries. I'm burning out myself and myself and don't even know why because I'm used to this since early childhood.
Bro i'm so Dr K pilled it's insane. He's gave me tons of insight and being a better person and resisting my urges isn't that hard actually. Old me would kill current me for uttering that sentence.
NGL, that's rather based 😎🎉
frr me too. two guys i watch daily are healthy gamer and profound pondering. these guys change lives!
hell yeah
Just the habit of taking a second to observe the options ahead of you, and reflecting on them afterwards has given me so much more power over my choices. Also not avoiding emotions or letting them control you, but to serve as guides for decision making. I don't think I would've figured that out in this lifetime if not for Dr. K. I've felt so torn apart by what others try and teach me about emotions and motivation
My last therapist literally told me that therapy is about "choosing to believe" things that aren't necessarily true (although she could never explain how to do that exactly) to make yourself feel better, and didn't see a problem with that. At that point I had already paid her $2500.
She's right. The purpose of the human intellect is to improve survival and reproduction. It is not to discern the "truth." If the intellect discovers any truth, it's only a byproduct or intermediary step toward improving survival and reproduction. Therefore, when a truth is useless for survival and reproduction, a healthy, well-tuned mind will automatically discard it. Mental illness sometimes comes from an irrational obsession with the truth at the expense of one's survival and reproduction.
Wow, what a quack. Hope you find a good one soon.
The example of the child learning to walk and not seeing themselves as a failure really resonated. It brings to mind the learned helplessness concept, where people stop trying because they believe their efforts won't make a difference. I’ve seen this play out in someone close to me who struggled with their self-worth for years, convinced they couldn’t change. The way you break down how therapy helps undo that belief is so empowering-thank you
All my experience about therapy is that the therapist makes me pour my heart out, nods understandingly, asks all the question about why you feel or think this and that, never of course voices their own opinion on anything and don't make statements. Problem is that I'm not stumbling into any revelations about myself. It's not that when I was 6 I was told that I wasn't good enough for the sports team and that gave me a life-long complex about not being good enough, I just struggle to find a stable job and feel like older I get and more patchy my cv becomes, harder it becomes to find one.
I had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy about ten years back and with respect it was worthless. It felt like I was required to relive every difficult experience of that week and then sent home. I’m not saying therapy itself is, but I strongly believe that you need the right therapist and therapy. As DrK shows, it’s an absolute necessity for the person helping you to understand and recognise the underlying root of the problem
for some people they think too much (like me) and he soluion is to fail more and faster. your brain improves and learns with every failure even if you can't tell
Same here, man. I keep fingers crossed for you. Best luck and may the fortune turn it's side!
When you realize therapy can only get you so far, you are finally on the way to healing. 🏆👍 hang in there bud you have everything you need to figure it out from here
@@ZTTINGS That's one reason why I quit seeing my therapist. Whenever I tried to discuss potential diagnosis that could explain my issues, she always gave me the "I don't know that that is helpful and I struggle to see diagnosis as important over symptoms/behaviour". There were other issues (pretty much the things that the other commentor mentioned), but not seeing how discussing diagnosis actually is important in understanding the source and what the internal process is so that I can also be treated properly, was a pretty big flaw imo.
I eventually got it out of her that maybe I don't simply have depression and anxiety and I could have something trauma related, which is why cognitive behavioural therapy and exposure therapy didn't help and especially exposure therapy probably just further traumatized me. She also basically admitted she can't help me, so yeah I quit and changed my mind on cognitive behavioural therapy (which seems to be the most common type) and how flawed the system (diagnosis process and all) is. Sorry, that ended up being like rant a bit.
My first 10 years of therapy were just "Change your thoughts, and if you can't change your thoughts, change your behavior, and if you can't change either of those things, try harder."
Society wouldn't shut up online and off about how my mental illnesses weren't excuses for not getting better or trying harder or doing more.
And meanwhile my parents invalidated the hell out of my struggle and we fought about everything growing up.
Now I'm sitting here and I don't even want to change. My life isn't great and I'm messed up enough but I just want to feel better. I don't want to create more problems for myself by making friends and dating and getting a job or going to school.
family and society telling us to 'try harder' I have come to realize is the biggest indication that they don't understand shit.
it's the manifestation from a lack of understanding of how the brain works with a limited cognitive bandwidth they allocate to you and your situation and/or their ego affecting how they interact with you.
for your parents it's ego (if they are good parents and you are not progressing, it must be your fault, not their parenting)
for society, most people have their own problems to worry about. the tiny sliver of "CPU processing power" they allocate to you is minuscule (which is fair enough, not like you take the time to worry about random peoples problems) this and their ego (cant just say they don't know, acknowledging that you might not be at fault for your misfortunes may uproot their worldviews about effort and success)
some points from the video applied to some of what you have said:
14:27 If you can't acknowledge the impact of your emotions your thoughts are not clear.
14:51 "The moment you acknowledge what you are feeling it changes the feelings power over you"
Let's apply what Dr k said here to some of things you said:
"Now I'm sitting here and I don't even want to change.
My life isn't great and l'm messed up enough but just want to feel better."
What emotions are you feeling here? What is the influence they have in your thoughts process? Hopelessness? Despair? Tiredness? try to seperate these emotions from your logic and you can better address it
"I don't want to create more problems for myself by making friends and dating and getting a job or going to school."
dr k said something here (paraphrasing):
21:43 'when you are unaware of how your emotions and your ego are affecting your thought process, your past becomes your future, your past becomes your destiny.'
when considering what Dr K said, Your emotions here may have tainted your thought patterns and you may have perceived 'problems' and your inability to navigate them in your past and thus you have perceived that 'making friends and dating and getting a job or going to school'
are problems not challenges you can act upon to overcome.
There was a recent live stream about anhedonia or 'slow suicide ' and I see a lot of anhedonic patterns here so I recommend you give it a watch, I created (rather lengthy) timestamps and notes in the comments if you find that stuff useful.
Mainly what I think would help here (from the anhedonia stream) is:
- seeing positivity instead of negativity
- addressing the lack of 2 things: sense of agency and a roadmap
- understanding that the more goals you have in your mind the less rewarding achieving each goal feels
hope you found that useful, or at least some others do
@@saltiestsiren I completely empathize with this and feel the same lethargy. Luckily I have an outgoing personality to conflict with all of my “I’ve had enough problems and right now I have few so let’s relax here” energy. I know what I want to do and I can barely drive myself to do them. I learned from how shit my parents behaved enough to develop an outgoing and kind personality because they were the opposite with me and it sucked. Basically I absorbed how to mitigate problems developing by being overtly kind and understanding and luckily tempered it to a reasonable degree that it’s primarily beneficial for my life but that’s about the best thing that came from the trauma.
totally relatable.
@@blanchimont5587 More goals less reward per goal but also more disappointment per failure. Gotta diversify that risk.
did you try different therapists?
The inner child concept really helps this concept click for me. Because your past relations somehow gaslit you and you need to go back and undo the gaslighting. You were already gaslit.
Thank you for writing a book for parents first. We're all fucked up by our past, and the parent is usually the first person to fuck us up. Your book will literally change lives, even if only a few, even if only by a little.
One thing I've learned so much from by listening to Dr K is to correct myself on my prejudices as I talk. He does this a lot, in almost every video of his I watch. Sometimes it's harder to catch than other times, but it reminds me that if I want to communicate WITH others, it's something really important to do - and that amounts to treating ALL people as humans, something that WE all are.
I've come to believe that low self esteem causes an XP debuff in life. It can be so painful to be honest with yourself, that you miss out on learning from your failures. You become avoidant of failure altogether, at which point you are fated to get behind and stuck in life.
And on top of the XP debuff, you'll auto-decline most - if not all - good side quests!
When you’re default is beating yourself up. Failing and having more proof of what you feel and think is worse than learning/succeeding and just thinking it was a fluke to begin with. I’m more likely to ruminate about my failures than to ruminate or celebrate my successes. The pain of losing/failing is much worse than the pleasure of winning/succeeding. It least for me it is…
38 years old and this hit hard. Horrible self-esteem issues I am only now dealing with properly. Been in the same job for 14 years, and it is well paying, but zero advancement as I always talk myself out of (or ignore) any opportunities that come up. Next step is therapy of some sort, and possibly trying to get a new job to get me out of my comfort zone but there is a huge part of me that just wants to avoid all of it, stick with where I am, and be miserable till I retire.
Thank you so much for this video. Literally can't tell you how grateful I am to hear this. I've been feeling like EMDR is just gaslighting myself into a new mindset. I've been resisting working on memories because it feels like I'm losing part of my identity as I lose the traumatic emotions. But I'm realizing more that I'm actually just undoing shit that should have NEVER BEEN THERE. I'm returning to my real self, not losing myself.
Wow, this has got to be the most perfect timing for a specific subject for me, ever! I've had THE WORST few days now, contemplating something final multiple times a day, even though I've been doing therapy for about six months now. And I arrived to this conclution myself just a few days ago, that I was not enough for my mother as a child, blamed myself and keep feeling not wanted and like a total failure now, at the age of 32 with my mom being gone for 12 years now.
I never got to talk to my mom about these things since we just didn't talk, alcohol and loneliness is the solution my mom went with instead. I realised this and then my depression came back like a fucking freight-train. Now this video drops and gives me perspective and logic when I feel completely lost and hopeless.
Thank you again, Dr. K.
Feelings = distortion
That clarity helps alot
Low self esteem is something that was taught to us. We can use therapy to help reverse the gaslighting
So we always have feelings. We need to notice the effect it has on our thoughts
Then we also need to notice the effect our idea of self has on our thoughts
Then we can be critical and realize that our thoughts are flawed and to take them less seriously
Then while taking our thoughts less seriously and not as truth, we can hopefully begin to objectively identify and work on our flaws
We have two paths. Work on what we are bad at, or avoid it because we believe we are bad at it.
If we choose to work on it, understand that our idea of self and emotional reaction makes it much harder
If we don't choose to work on it, understand that we are surrendering our fate
Thank you for this
Of course, but if you work on it, fail constantly, and end up in a much worse place than before, in a failing world about to explode, what then?
@@jumpupdown2556 Therapy probably
Sorry if the writing on this is a bit messy, but I do think it can often be what people call 'intuition', though (which doesn't mean you should trust and act based only on that right away, in all situations. But ignoring it/yourself, or immediately identifying it as a distortion, to me, doesn't seem very helpful either; as much as taking it into account as a piece of info. about yourself and how you're navigating your situation, to assess if there might be reasons behind those feelings that might be helpful or not [e.g. "I feel uncomfortable with the situation that I'm in, is it due to upbringing or is it because there is something that I don't think is right happening rn?", etc.], might be).
Excuse you, low self esteem was not taught to me. I developed that myself as a pro.
Some children, babies are born anxious because of living in a traumatic environment therefore their nervous systems are affected. Confidence is taught but this stress from birth and their environment needs to be addressed, recognized and helped. Example Gabor Mate talks about himself as a baby. I believe this can be an unknown aspect of depression OCD ADHD however it manifests. Fantastic Work @ Dr K .
It's true. Found birth parents and my mother was extremely messed up mentally and a lot of stress and anxiety on her part. Unfortunately I guess I had to deal with that as a baby them adopted into an older family with lack of stability, proper nurturing, security, and grew up having to watch my fragile, elderly mother instead of me being raised. Definitely a lot of turbulence up stairs and it's hard since most of it probably started from birth, buried as a kid, and explodes as an adult. A predisposed perception of inferiority and insignifice is part of it for me.
Same here. Loved your comment 🎉
It's a matter that is starting to be investigated.
I talked with my mother about a time, as i was 2 month old. I puked blood, because some splincer in my stomach wouldn't close.
She told me: As they rolled you away and put a tube down your open/wounded throat, you smiled at me. A baby, 2 month old and in what must be horrible pain but still smiled?!
I listed closely (i would say on an emotional level) and then i said: Did you interpret it as i was trying to tell you "Do not worry. I will make it"
Her reaction was over the top for her and she said very exited: EXACTLY!
I myself am not sure what to make of this, but i wanted to share it.
@@nerdkartoffl9019it's possible your mother is cluster b and you were narcissisticly abused, the abuse is covert
This video has had me messed up all day trying not to cry at work. The fact that self esteem is taught and the only moments of my life that I remember not being put down were by people far removed from my every day life. And now just a heap of things make so much sense
I had difficulty coping with certain stressful situations and my last therapist kept telling me to be kind to myself. I use to tell my therapist I am kind to myself but I also need tools to help me cope. I actually even asked my therapist twice for tools directly and still did not get tools so I searched online for months to find tools which wasn't easy trying to figure it out on my own. The response I got from my therapist was "there are tools and there are tools". Whatever that means along with no further expansion.
Same for me, my therapist actually admitted that shw had gotten stressed out and frustrated herself when she realized my situation and that she actually doesn't know what to say or what advice to give. I quit like a month after that (this year). I used to blame myself for therapy not helping, but the few final sessions with my therapist helped process/understand that cognitive behavioural therapy simply doesn't work for me.
Why didnt you find a different therapist along with looking for tools?
@@ellem8990So sorry to hear that. Yes there can be some bad therapists out there. I hope you end up finding a good one. They are out there.I was really stressed and that's what made me look online. I was fortunate though as always would recommend a therapist even if I had a few bad ones. I also did some of Tony Robbins events which actually helped me alot especially with fear. Thanks for sharing your experience as I feel less alone about it
@@ellem8990So sorry to hear about that. It can be hard but know there are good ones out there. I found being alone made it harder so the more positive resources and people you have around you the better. Thanks for sharing your experience too as I feel less alone about it.
Psychotherapists are the ones equipped with the tools so you gotta make sure your doc is a psychotherapists and not just a counsellor or psychiatrist
Well said, Dr. K! I am often making efforts to demonstrate these ideas to clients, that something such as shame is mostly taught and is in fact not the baseline "normal human state."
Signed,
A colleague in mental healthcare (Marriage & Family Therapist here)
This is absolutely true. In my early twenties, a mentor told me, "Confidence is not the consequence. Confidence comes first." At the time, it seemed complete bullshit and went against everything I found to be objectively evident and true. But my life did NOT start feeling like my own, I did NOT begin making strides in my life, until I employed this very frightening but true perspective.
In coupling with this: another thing I learned is what "nobody is perfect" TRULY means. Most of us spend our time not doing things, because we want to wait until we're READY to do it. Because we're afraid to fail. We don't want to fail, because we seek to appear perfect/successful. The fact is, nobody is perfect. So the best time to begin doing that thing you've always wanted to do, is now.
I learned to do backflips and stuff when I was 11. I miss that time when I trained without self-doubt or worrying I wouldn't do it...
🎉
I never had that time in my childhood because my mother thought creating a hostile home environment would prepare me for the "real world" (I'm not 35 and not a functioning adult, thanks mom!)
i had little to no time as well. Brother developed shizophrenia and it revolved only around him and about family problems for decades.
Yea and i had to change schools often, even before that happened.
Not sure how many things i've learned like them with their backflip
I love how you add humor in your messages. It makes it really and so relatable. Thank you for sharing!
My anti therapy family members often accuse the opposite, that therapist will instead make a problem out of nothing and make you believe there is something wrong with you
Typical. They prefer to bury the problem deep down and attack anybody who tries to deal with the problem themselves. Dysfunctional people don't want to face their emotions at any cost.
Sounds like they know something is wrong and they are trying to hide it. Why would someone struggle and need help if there really aren't any problems in their life? Doesn't make sense.
@@kateginger There are bad therapists as well who will just do that. And then that therapy isn't going to be helpful. It's not that black and white, sadly.
@@kateginger Sounds like denial to me. What more is a lot people don't like the idea that you getting therapy might highlight what shame they feel over having something wrong with them. I know people like that who won't associate with you if are in therapy. It's really weird.
Sounds like a reasonable concern to me because ultimately Therapists are running a business and the patient is also a client, and if you go there just for the heck of it, it would certainly profit some of them to diagnose some “condition” or make an issue seem disproportionately more serious and bigger than it actually is which would secure future sessions and therefore greater inflow of cash. To deny the economic motive and assume that all the therapists are people of integrity who will genuinely prioritise your interest over their own(as someone like Dr. K would) is simply naive.
Furthermore not every therapist is equally competent and combine that with the profit motive, ironically some of them can possibly gaslight the patient into believing that there is something “wrong” with them when in reality things might be simpler or more nuanced. Of course not everyone in that industry has unscrupulous motives or doubtful competence but like many things in life, a careful examination of one’s own needs and an exercise of due caution before handing over the key to one’s own mind to a functional stranger with a medical license would be a prudent thing to do.
Finding your channel was a gift. I’m a 56 year old professional that found themselves unemployed and isolated through covid and have not recovered or returned to ‘normal’ since. I am now beginning to suspect that I have lived on the autistic spectrum with ADHD my entire life and suffered a masking burnout/ breakdown just before covid. Although my current doctor has been great, finding a therapist is impossible and finding someone who is in a position to diagnose such that the right therapy or treatment can be applied is even harder. ADHD is still seen as a ‘youth’ issue so 90% of support is not for adults. In the last five years my health has spiralled downhill and I now take medication for blood pressure, gout and depression, and was told last week I am borderline for type 2 diabetes. I no longer feel that I will wver recover or return to ‘normal’ society and will never find the help I need. I wish I had seen something like this forty years ago. As I now survive on income support I cannot afford to fund support privately and find your posts are pretty much spot on for me every time. As a final message to anyone who reached the end of this post, I wish you all the best on your own personal journeys. Oh yeah, and thanks for your content lol
I hope you find peace on your journey too
Try to hear the doctor berg channel. You can learn from that channel to improve your health.
So a big problem for me in therapy is I'll go into describing myself, my childhood, my past and current issues and than get asked the question of why I think this is the case or why this happened. And I don't have a good answer. I wasn't abused, neglected, living in poverty, severely bullied, etc, etc., and yet I still have so many issues. That's the thing that gets me the most because atleast if I were abused or neglected I'd have a clear reason why I am how I am. It feels more like I'm an absolute failure when for all intents and purposes my childhood was as stable as anyone could ask for.
I have some similar thoughts- there's a an ACE (adverse childhood experiences) score which covers the big common childhood traumas, but then I found out that there's a PCE (positive childhood experiences) equivalent and I found I had a very low score in this. I realized while I had a really stable and "good" childhood, I was actually missing a lot of positive supports/had a lot of long term unmet needs. Everyone is different and that unmet stuff might be something someone else wouldn't miss, but it's important to you.
@@sheelahtolton3998such a good answer!
I feel the same man... i have always eaten well, been taken care of (except for my mental health? It wan't a thibg at the time), i had birthday parties yet not many friends.
Now Im 26, dropped out, living in grandparents home, not doing anything with my life un'ess I have the extraordinary chance of someone asking me to do something. I can't get myself to do anything by myself. I feel like an adult child, I feel shame for it
Look into emotional neglect - it could be more about what DIDN'T happen but should have.
I understand You perfectly, with my attempts to work with professionals I sudenlly don't remember much of anything, which made answearing many questions impossible and whole conversation a one big fight to not shutt down.
This has been really helpful Doc k it’s really pointed out that alot of my self perceptive thoughts are not only unusual but a major contributor to my self deletion desires, hopefully it’ll help me keep those at bay till I can get professional help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart doctor k, you’re keeping many people on this planet here a little longer with your content!
I've been watching your videos for a while now, some more than others. Every time i feel like it makes so much sense and that I could actually get out of this state of just constantly feeling miserable and worthless. I even tried IRL therapy but it just feels like it doesn't help with anything. for every good day I have, 3 bad days follow and I just keep drowning in my misery. It has gotten to a point where I do the things I have to do (school, working my 2 jobs and everything) and for the rest of my time i just sit there and just wait until the day is finally over, just to do it all over again. I haven't felt actual long term joy in a very long time and at this point i cannot convince myself that it's ever gonna change. I really don't know what to do anymore. The only thing that drives me really, is that I still have the slightest bit of hope that some day I might be happy and can enjoy life like others do. (It probably doesn't matter and I guess you can see it as excuses but just for context. I have been diagnosed with ADHD at 10. I grew up in a poor family where we hadn't even had enough money to eat everyday. My stepfather was abusive and used to hit me pretty much every other day. My parents always told me that I am the problem bcs I was to hard to handle due to my ADHD, so they put me into a "youth facility" (don't know a better description for it) for 3 years between the age of 10 and 13. I barely had any friends, which still is true today, so I'm used to being alone. I am 24 Years old now) I don't really talk about my feelings bcs neither do I want to nor am I able to. I figured I'll just say that here since nobody knows me here and that makes it easier to just say all of that
Be patient to yourself and accept all your feelings. I wish you all the best
If you're open to being friends, more than happy to welcome it! Things will look up at a point, it's all about how to resch it is how I think of it, you're trying and that matters a lot more than you might think. Keep it up! You got this.
Therapy is one of the most iluminating experiences i have ever had, the simple realization that the currently capitalist world we live in just makes us believe and want things that dont actually are that important, making new goals, figuring out what you actually want, those are so liberaring once you are able to overcome, but is not easy.
I agree with what you are saying, but be careful with the word “capitalist”, because any other system isn’t any better. The truth is that we, like you mentioned, live in a world dominated by rich people who are selling products to get rich. They need workers, and those workers need to spend money on their products, so everything is about how to market useless things to us to make us want to spend that money. Everything is about preserving this status quo. Agreed. But we most people fail, and this is why I said to be careful using that word, is that they think that they will change this somehow by changing the system that we live in into something more akin to socialism or communism. The truth is that there’s never changing human behavior. Socialism and communism merely shift the responsibility and the power from the corporations to a government with equally fallible human beings. The only way that you can break this cycle is to become aware of it. It is to stop believing the things that are marketed towards you, understanding that those who are marketing it I’m merely selling the products that they have.
@@caryg4638 you do realize capitalism has become more and more self destructive? The bourgeouis has failed to be long term thinkers. They have been replaced by those who wants the most money/capital the fastest
No more do we see a "human" relationship in a capitalistic workplace, its more and more one way relationship caressed in "professionalism" although real professionalism doesnt include office politics
Damn, this video is so fire!
To me, one of the main problems is doubting my own perception and not knowing when a problem actually is my fault or if I’m just gaslighting myself into thinking that it is. I recently successfully finished a PhD and some external forces have led me to punish myself for failing at different tasks, or criticizing what I do endlessly even if I’m succeeding, leading to a spiral of stress and anxiety that just paralyzed me. I’m trying to see things more objectively to recover from it all. This framework with the 3 parts (emotional mind, ego, and intellectual mind) really helps.
There are actually 5 parts. Dr. K did not mention citta (the mind's "canvas", and samskara (unprocessed emotions).
Unfortunately, many therapists have far more problems than their clients and it bleeds into therapy leaving the client even more issues to deal with and overcome.
Yeah, the hunt for a good one is an absolute pain, but the good one is very much worth it.
I may be down voted to hell, but still feel that therapy can be gaslight when you had a BAD therapist / one that just don't understand you.
Cause like when I moved to university on a new city I had a hard time making friends since I'm shy and anxious. So went to a therapist who told me I just needed to go to college party's and I'll eventually make friends there. This made everything this worse, since I don't drink and don't like loud people, then I feel like a failure, since all she keep telling me was to try harder next time. Only when I quit that therapist, and start trying on my own to deep my connection with my classmates I start making friends and eventually a boyfriend (We're together for 6 years).
So yeah bad therapy can be gaslighting, no shame on quiting or changing therapists. When I went back to therapy a few years later, I find someone that better suit for me.
omg yes. And there are unfortunately therapists with personal missions that are not the patients' best interests too.
I had one that basically tried to undo my progress in recognizing that I have a problem helping people despite needing to help myself because she thought I was part of the next generation that would change the world 🤦🏻♀️ She then said I was resisting treatment because I refused to go back to such unhealthy patterns.
I've been in and out of therapies since I was 8, I'm turning 30, I've had overwhelmingly bad experiences with bad therapists. I totally get it. The system is a hot mess, it's fucked up that they get away with labeling people as "mentally ill" for having the exact reactions you'd expect vulnerable individuals to have to some of the insidious, retraumatizing bs that they call "help."
@@juliadcraideIt can be even worst. An intervention of a therapist provoked me a state of panic for 8 days. Fortunately she recommendeded me my present therapist who has helped me a lot and suspected I was autistic.
A therapist is not meant to make you feel everything is perfect or easy but to help you understand you and your relationship with others, change what doesn't work and, if you need it, to reprocess trauma.
@@juliadcraide therapist are people and just as any personal or professional relationship they might be a bad fit.
*clicks on new video*
*first 10 seconds brutally summarising my childhood and its echoes onto my current adulthood*
Aah...so it's *that* kind of video...imma save this one for the 2am content.
What I experienced in CBT therapy was definitely gaslighting. Because they basically told me to ignore my problems or to put the cart before the horse.
Best example was "I will never get a girlfriend because I am so ugly." "Think that you are beautiful despite not getting a girlfriend"
Well. My concern was NOT about being ugly but about not getting a girlfriend..😒 if I would have gotten a girlfriend then despite being ugly, I would not have cared about being ugly.
When I told my therapist that I felt the therapy was not working at all, je told me to shut up. I asked him to show me one part where I improved after more than 2 years. He told me again to shut up..🙄
If they would have wanted to get rid of my negative thoughts, they could have easily accomplished that by telling me "your problem of not getting a girlfriend is not because you are ugly but because you do that thing wrong. Stop doing that"
If that would have brought improvement, I would stopped calling myself ugly.😅
Instead I ran away from therapy
Sounds like you had a very terrible therapist. "How does that make you feel??"🤔 "mmm credit or debit?"
@@dariangoodman2154 2 therapists
LMAO CBT. i remember three months straight of ''okay think about your childhood and close your eyes'' ''breathe in and out'' ''what do you feel?'' me: nothing
for an hour, once a week for three months. I swear some therapists have like one tool and if that doesnt work they are useless
@@aguspuig6615 agreed
Great video. Dr. K’s point on acknowledging and understanding the impact of your feelings reminds me of Carl Jung’s quote: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.”
Wow, I don't even know what to say. This lecture was necessary. I'm a 42 year old man that has lived his life believing this internal talk (gas lighting) is a type of therapy to get me to move. It did, and still does, but the mental anguish and negative perspective sucks and doesn't change. Thank you.
Therapist gaslights you into thinking you gaslight yourself… Seriously tho Dr K is the goat and inspiring me to go to therapy
If you are in this channel chances are you would benefit from it. I am very grateful for the good therapists I found (specially the present one).
This is something I've realized as a root for many conflicts: some people will show more tolerance and acceptance of that which is tolerable and acceptable than others.
When someone antagonize with hostility for something that is tolerable and acceptable then you can be certain that it wasn't a problem of your traits or behaviour (shame or guilt) but of their anger or hate (disgust) and you don't exist to obey, be liked or serve anyone (fawning response)
This is why therapy is important, they at least accept and tolerate what is acceptable and tolerable in you.
Yes, i HATE my parents to the core for destroying my chance to be happy just because they are miserable people who refuse to acknowledge anything
Hugs bro
Man this guy is just awesome. I learned so much about myself because of this guy and still keep on learning. I love his fast pace. It is so easy for me to keep focused. Not like some of these other people out there, that keep beating around the bush. And to top it all off, I love that he doesn't take himself to serious and does that "Apu" voice. It gets me every time😂
Understanding the negative/narcistic perception part was huge for me. I never had a fear of rejection, I didn't realize it but I had a fear of ghosting which was actually more mentally damaging to me and is so common now. If someone turns me down they often explain or you can understand the vibe was off and at least its closure, but being ghosted left me with endless ways I might of fucked up.
Ghosting is the worst. I get that some ppl do it because they are scared of being pulled into an endless conversation from someone who doesnt wanna be rejected. But please, at least explain what went wrong, and then you can block me. Not that i need this rn but its fucked with me in the past alot, and im obviously far from the only one
This video was amazing. I am starting therapy again after 3 years of struggling and refusing to take action while my life was spiraling out of control. I identify with about 90% everything dr. K said, so thank you very much for the video!
This video honestly changed my life. I've been following the content before, I worked on my emotional awareness and that part was not any useful for me since I already worked on it to a big extent. But I never knew about the ego thing. And framing it in the lens of "distorting my thoughts" and such made me realize so much about my world view and myself. I constantly compare myself to others, put myself down, compare myself to others (ie. I'm not as attactive as xyz, person abc is way better with the ladies than me, I'm not as good at xyz than so and so) and I thought this was NORMAL AND HEALTHY. But its quite the opposite, its my ego talking and its my ego that is distorting the conclusions I come to. It has helped me reframe a lot of things I've been grappling with lately and things that I've just felt "blocked" about.
This video I still come back to it constantly (like right now)
15:10. This is actually such a brilliant concept to practice for people with OCD intrusive thoughts. For people like this our thoughts feel all the more real simply because we thought it. If we can put the name of the emotion these thoughts cause to the thought maybe we can interrupt our brain’s tendency to treat every thought we have as truth.
I myself find myself caught up in the thoughts themselves instead of the emotions they evoke and I often channel the strong feelings into the energy of fear and worry rather than acknowledging the emotions before they turn into fear and worry and cutting off and discrediting the OCD at the source.
This is brilliant and something I’ve thought about but haven’t been able to articulate as a full functioning concept. Thank you Dr. K, I will be practicing this going forward
I am a person who likes knowing things and having answers. I think to have a foundation of knowledge of why we feel what we feel in life is not only within our own minds, but the environments in which we take evidence and “reality” from. Im currently studying anthropology, which i highly recommend for other people to dive into as the socialization of humans as a group is fascinating and gives insight to why we lean towards understanding ourselves, fixing ourselves, undoing ourselves, wallowing in our sufferings, and those who “defy” the odds and make it out… its not that people are necessarily special compared to one another, its the way we as beings structure one another… WITHOUT questioning it AND without acting on such questions.
I literally was talking with this with my girlfriend earlier this day. am unlearning all the gaslight of what my limits are, disconnecting what people perception and start connecting what i really am.
How do you disconnect from other people? People cut straight through me like a hot knife to butter. This is a puzzle I have made little to no progress on my whole knife
Sometimes people see your potential better than you do
Thank you for explaining this! It's exactly what I feel, but I am still feeling guilty about being myself.
A 49 years old Autistic and ADHDer woman.
Isolated, lonely, depressed, not being understand and support by my family.
Such an insightful video! Recognizing self-gaslighting and confronting it is the first step towards healing and personal growth. Thank you for sharing!
My ego wants to elevate Dr K. Your videos are an amazing contribution. I feel there are not many people who can explain psychological issues so clearly and also with reasonably actionable tips.
this video’s take really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in unveiling your hidden potential by bruce thornwood
Okay spambot
Yep, as an Asian kid can totally relate, more than half my problems comes from my parents wanting me to achieve or be happy so they could also feel
6 years of therapy and i still feel like a failure and avoid doing things. Turned down a job just 2 days back because i was so afraid of failure and perception and not knowing what i want to do.
Its so hard to overcome these deeprooted external viases. honestly it does geel impossible, even if its not.
Totally agree. Therapy for just feeling better does not make sense. It is good to have support. But people need to know how to overcome their vices, develop good habits, and have healthy mindsets and values that could lead them to a healthier and happier life. A professor specialized in happiness mentioned once that happiness is based on genes, environment, and habits. But I would say also values. Having bad attachments does not help. I don't know anybody whose vices make them happy. It is good to have hobbies, but in a balanced way. Changing environments sometimes could work wonders, as the professor mentioned.
"Self-esteem is a reflection of the esteem that other people give you. That's where self-esteem comes from. That's why it's so hard to gain self-esteem." So true! Thankfully, we have meditation to understand that the self is just an idea.
Okay I will say most of it is the perception of being happy so being “gaslit” into believing your happy isn’t bad. On the other hand believing your mistakes aren’t mistakes, not learning from them is the side we see a lot that’s bad for them and the rest of the world
this is pretty much the entire essence of what modern-day therapy is predicated on. all therapists are gaslighters who must gaslight their patients in order to maintain their own delusions.
in today’s individualistic therapy culture, everyone is encouraged to believe themselves to be the single most important person on earth for one session a week, and then to carry that mentality with them throughout the rest of their lives.
@@eebbaa5560 Why are you spending so much time writing so many comments on a video about therapy if you hate it so much ?
@@hardsleaz3954 it is precisely because i hate it so much.
@@eebbaa5560ok that isn’t what therapy does and if that is your experience you’ve had one hell of a shitty therapist. It happens. There are a lot of crappy ones out there. Unfortunately the whole mental healthcare system in the US (which I’m assuming you are in) is absolute shit so I understand if “just fire your therapist and get a new one” doesn’t work for many people whether due to lack of or crappy insurance which limits your choices of quality providers.
These videos claiming that it's all internal and it's all our perspective. Completely ignores the fact that external factors have humongous inputs on our lives.
It's ironically gaslighting in itself
I was in a very religious school in my childhood. In my personal experience, labeling does have an impact. Teachers would say we're a section of devil possessed students for being loud during kindergarten, and the label stuck. Now most of us including me have a love for rebellious and metal music. I know it sounds edgy, but the other sections who were treated like angels ended up loving gospels.
Thanks Dr K, this is is exactly the video i needed tonight. I've been gaslighting myself all day saying I'm not worth it and this video really helped me work through those thoughts.
You just made my life significantly by comprehensively laying out how acknowledging, or lack thereof, emotion reduces its impact on your thought process. Thank you
The voice you made about a minute in reminded me of natives in Oddworld: Stranger's Wrath. Fantastic game, surprisingly powerful story. I didn't think theeapy was gaslighting, just clicked to see what you were talking about.
I'm using HRV breathwork to great benefit. I don't feel like a manic\depressive cynical asshole on the days I do it, which has been every day for 3 months. It's helped me get motivated to finally buy land and make a sweet permaculture garden and share food. I'm working 6 days a week, saving up fast. Main issue to avoid is my restlesness, I tend to go on pointless long minimalism adventures when I save up some money because I was damaged by moving too much as a kid and learned to not make deeper connections with people and place because it will be torn from me. So I need to do the opposite and chill and work and be patient and get that land. Once I have it, motivation isn't a problem at all, I have a huge back pressure of ideas I am desperate to explore directly. Eventually I will figure out ways of making money from the land as well, like wood crafts, but that's not the primary focus. Improving the soil and growing food and sharing the abundance and teaching others how to do it too is the focus. If money comes, fine, but I'll work normal jobs for the rest of my days if I have to in order to keep that garden maturing. Eventually the food trees will get big and the abundance will grow yearly without more inputs, but that takes time. Lovely time, in the garden.
how is the timing on these videos always impeccable 😂😂 i just started therapy a week ago and mentioned all of these points to my therapist
O.M.G. I was less academically gifted than my siblings, and I got 100% one time. ONE TIME. It was a huge accomplishment for myself I was so proud. "Finally, I'll make my parents proud". My mom's answer: "great, do it again. You should get 100% every time. " That's it. Meanwhile my (White) friends would do mediocre and get McDonald's as rewards which I was wildly confused about. (I later met Asian friends who grew up with way more relaxed parents than myself which was more the exception than the rule but I would say that yes, there are definitely cultural trends, you just need to look at the stats on monetary success and also su*c1de).
And whenever I'd finish my homework AND all the 4 other extra curricular schooling I did from piano to musical theory, training and learning a 3rd language, my mom's answer was that I did the bare minimum and I should do better. So ya, I grew up a perfectionist, full of anxiety, needing outside validation which is crippling and impossible.
The amount of breaking all that down and healing was DIFFICULT but also a necessary GAME CHANGER.
Hey Dr. K, I am a big fan of yours. I wish you could make a video on personality disorders and the potential for its associated behaviors becoming a sort of self-fullfilling prophecy once diagnosed.
Perfect length. Easy to follow.
What’s important is not whether a “fact” is objectively true or false. What’s important is whether that fact is useful.
Did my childhood prepare me for adulthood? The “facts” of my personal history are irrelevant. It’s not useful to believe my childhood was in some way deficient.
Everybody grows. Even kids. Even adults. Just don’t stop growing and you’ll do fine.
I've been in therapy 2 years ago for like 2-3 months. Looking back I am glad I glad I had it in a way it was and I am grateful to the therapist that consulted me. The very first thing he told me at the end of our first session was "There is nothing wrong with you. You just think too bad of yourself."
I was like "That's exactly why I am here."
It took me two years to realize how spot on was that statement. "There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with the world and people around me. The only thing that is wrong is my mind screwing me up."
When I openend up about my problems, my brother told me to get over it. It got better but this stuck, he has no empathy for the way I'm feeling. My mother is stupid but means well, I guess and my father doesn't acknowledge shit and avoids responsibility.
There are ties that bind you to your family, forever. Sometimes I wish I could sever them. My parents are old and need attention and some support, well I'm not willing to. I have to invest in me now because you didn't back then. Good luck.
This channel is gold. So much insight in human mind.🔥
Thanks!
I like the idea of perceiving feelings and emotions. I’ve been dealing with depression for 4 or 5 years now, on the first year I was dealing with real depressive symptoms but now I don’t know if this is worse or better but I’m numb, I don’t feel anything, the only feeling I can feel sometimes it’s sadness but mostly is just nothing, just living one day at a time. I tried to explain this to my doc but he does not understand my lack of feelings and emotions, he will ask what’s on my mind and I’ll say “nothing. I know that I’m here right now” then he just pumps more meds on me, I nod and go away to buy the new meds all the time, I don’t know if I’m getting better but I don’t feel anything about it
You should offering 1 off coaching sessions instead of having to buy a whole bundle of them. The 1-offs could basically be commercials for the whole package, but it is hard to justify the large upfront investment without at least a reasonably priced trial.
This video came at the perfect time. It's scary how it's so personal, I needed this!
I completely empathize with this and feel that sense of lethargy toward acting in my own benefit because it was rarely enough and I’m happy with the few problems I have now compared to how it could be. Luckily I have an outgoing personality to conflict with all of my “I’ve had enough problems and right now I have few so let’s relax here” energy. I know what I want to do and I can barely drive myself to do them. I learned from how shit my parents behaved enough to develop an outgoing and kind personality because they were the opposite with me and it sucked. Basically I absorbed how to mitigate problems developing by being overtly kind and understanding and luckily tempered it to a reasonable degree that it’s primarily beneficial for my life but that’s about the best thing that came from the trauma. I still wish I hadn’t wasted so much time and I’m only 30. Lack of action and being comfortably numb are such silent killers.
Thank you so much for this video. I always learn something from your videos, but this one felt so, so deeply resonant.
There are many different forms of therapy. Each one is valid, but each one will only be as effective as each individual therapist, is capable of meeting you where you’re at and experienced in doing so. Accepting yourself where you’re at is necessary so you understand the terrain. In trauma therapy, understanding why you came up with what is no longer serving you now, was so necessary and down right clever to survive a situation that was untenable. Therapy is not easy, but it is one of the bravest things we can do, for ourselves and the ones we love and want to spare from our undesirable stuff.
Here's my question: Why is it that most "therapy/therapists" puts all the work on the patient? What do I mean? I mean that most therapy (in my personal experience) the therapist doesn't do much of anything but ask you how you feel or what do you think or do cbt or go exercise etc etc. Why don't they instead do something that is so much more helpful for people such as: videos like this but in person with the patient? Because video's like this (I've watched two of your videos now) have done more for me than therapy has in over 25 years of going (off and on). Therefore, therapy really is a bit like gaslighting in the fact that it's no where near as effective as a professional just info bombing like this to allow the patient to have even the slightest idea what's actually going on and think on that instead of making them 100% figure it out themselves with a crumb thrown here or there. I'm both happy I found your channel and pissed as hell this isn't what "actual therapy" is like. I wasted so many years of my life being chronically depressed because of this. But now I feel like I actually have the KNOWLEDGE that therapy doesn't provide for long term depression that isn't helped by medication, therapy, meditation, exercise, socialization, etc etc etc etc etc.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that therapists themselves are usually not as experienced as Dr. K. and are just human beings too, and they too have a skill issue like everyone else, no one is perfect. They are doing their best to help, but I guess that's all they are capable of doing at that moment.
Ouch...... Yeah they never did throw any parties ofr anyone in the house, judges which friends i should or shouldn't have, doesn't socialize with other people and so many more.....
Having to start all of these myself when I'm a grown-ass adult is very energy and mentally exhausting
First 20 seconds felt like a personal attack.
Holy moly, thank you DR K.
@HealthyGamerGG 23:11 Do you have a video on how to deal with this? Great video, by the way. I used to think I was just procrastinating, but lately I’ve realized that I have no interest in achieving anything because I’ve always felt like a failure. This might be because I was always second to my brother. I never feel like I could be good at anything-it seems as impossible to me as living on the moon does to others. It doesn’t even feel worth trying. I want to change that, but I don’t know how.
Having been deeply depressed my view on the world was negativ and I didn't have a reason to be unhappy. Just like I now when I am happy, don't really have a reason for that either. We as a family has been through some massive hardship the past few years to the point where people around us are worried about us, meanwhile we just wake up and take the day as it comes staying happy for absolutely no reason. We focus on now, as a family and don't spent to much worrying about what has been.
I keep waiting for someone to be saying “yeah, I don’t want therapy to gaslight me into thinking I’m a decent person…” followed by describing actually doing terrible/cruel, irredeemable behavior, but it never seems to happen. Let me know if there’s a comment like “I punt puppies! For distance! And I love it!”
There’s a difference between doing terrible things, and doing regular things badly. The second is usually resolved by experience and making enough mistakes to learn from
I forgot where I saw it, but I read somewhere, "Your first thought is what you were taught, your next thought is how you actually feel."
If your thoughts, especially about yourself, match, that's a problem.
Re-evaluate the situation.
Yes . I have issues with therapy routine. .why do I have to keep regurgitating past. .in God I am new creation. .yes we are self gaslighting
For me, stopping to care, thinking less and doing more helped a lot with these kinds of issue. I'm 200% part of the "everything is your own fault" mindset. I think it does some harm but the opposite does a lot more. I believe spciety is stronger when made of depressed accountable adults rather than happy irresponsible ones. In order to move from the former to happy responsible, I think you got to choose some side quests and stick to it (music, art, sport). As you get better at it, it gets easier to start routines. Routines is what compounds to stability which helps accountability.
Well, sometimes the therapist can't really help, but you "should" still go to them because you can't seem to get your life on track. And while you know why you in this position and the real problem is that your forced to be overworked because you can't afford your life and can't really do much about it but try as many losing games as possible and maybe/probably never get lucky enough to win one.
doing therapy the right way is hard, and it's definitely doing something. of course if you just show up and expect someone else to cure you it won't do much (even though a good therapist will still tickle your problems out). but you should be ready to be real and vulnerable, maybe cry infront of them, or challenge thoughts that you always thought were real.
But mind over matter doesn’t work either. I have had plenty of times when I behave with confidence, where I push any negative thoughts behind, and just act like “this is the day where things change for me”…but they never change. In fact, I have worse outcomes when I try to implement self-belief and confidence. So just changing my mindset doesn’t do anything, if nothing in my life improves, but instead throws me back to square one. Why should I put in effort to get nowhere? Especially when so much of my life is beyond my control, and the only thing left to control is myself. My handling shitty situations is the only thing I can control, and it gives me nothing in return. I don’t feel great about not making a scene over things that happen to me that are unfair. That seems equivalent to gaslighting behavior, but it seems to be the only thing therapists harp on about.
Dr. K unleashing the Asian house hold pandemic ❤
Something that I discovered recently is that we always distort ourselves and our perception of the world when we go online into social media or engage in a similar form of immersive habitual behavior, until we eventually forget that we are in an altered state of mind and pass it off as normal. The moment I started really understanding that this is harmful, I started being more aware of my altered states, and my overall positive attitude towards social media turned negative. I removed Reddit. I started drawing a lot better than I used to since I really like to draw, and I brought back my real emotions. My laughter became more real. The clarity of my words improved, and that's considering that I am autistic. I brought back my clarity of mind, and now I'm limiting my social media use and am more frequently aware of where I am mentally.
Getting offline helps because it enables you to ignore all the bad stuff happening in other people's lives. To some people the ability to feel better is worth some willful ignorance but not to me.
Human brain is not designed (evolutionarily) for all this new technology shit. Unless you know EXACTLY how it is affect YOU PERSONALLY anytime you use it, I think it has a chance of misleading your brain and thought process.
If the emotional circuitry is always active then we are feeling some emotion all the time. Some emotional states may lead to bad decisions while other may lead to more informed or better decisions. Which emotional states are conducive to good decision making?
Uhhhhh wow, this hits hard, I lost my confidence in myself for the first time very soon in my childhood and even when I rebuilt a little at occasion, it was very quickly taken away each time. Hum.
I never thought therapy was gaslighting and do think it can be very helpful to people. But I should be very skeptical because I was gaslight by not only therapists but Dr.s for 5. years. I had a really bad deviated septum that made it impossible to breathe and since I am not a mouth breather I had trouble breathing all the time with panic attacks. All dr.s said I was either fine or I had asthma, acid reflex, or bad posture, allergies and everything else under the sun. Finally I went to therapy and spilled my guts on anything and everything I could think of because I wanted to be normal again. Each therapist came up with a new trauma or issue that I wasn't addressing. I couldn't bare myself more even if I stripped down naked. What wasn't I addressing that is causing these problems? After my 5th visit with ENT they finally discovered the septum issue. They showed pictures of how badly mangled it was. One surgery later and I never felt better. So for 5 years I had experts in all sorts of fields tell me what was wrong with me when they had no idea but still insisted I was doing something wrong. That was truly eye opening experience that some times your instincts are not wrong and not all experts are right.
Thank you for this video... I needed it
I think the “therapy is gaslighting” sentiment is worth more critical consideration when it’s from people who are kept miserable by the society they’re in/their circumstances, because a lot of therapists, especially in the West, will try to CBT their patient’s way out of objectively terrible circumstances like abusive living situations, poverty, and overwork. Therapy can absolutely be used to convince people that their reasonable reactions to abusive living conditions are distortions.
My best experiences have been with therapists who help me distinguish between what is a true cognitive distortion and what I need to seek outside assistance for
@@jayjustinbasil7221 And imo cognitive distortions aren't distortions. They're only distortions when taken out of the context where the person got used to thinking that way. For example it may seem like someone "catastrophizes" a lot. But if we go look at their childhood, everything could turn easily into a catastrophe, as their parents would get easily triggered, start shouting, abuse etc. It wasn't "catastrophizing" back then. It was correctly assessing the situation. It's only when the child is placed into healthy dynamics,they naturally expect the same,so their thoughts seem distorted. But they aren't. A healthy person's thoughts will also seem distorted when placed in an abusive relationship and they don't expect catastrophes where they are. This is a crucial problem of CBT.
@@An1MuS Exactly, good point.
Super minor example, but I have ADHD and was always told that I struggled due to laziness and carelessness by everyone who interacted with me. My “low self-esteem” is logical when it’s how I was taught to think of myself since I was born. Therapists I’ve liked haven’t even tried to work on my self-esteem because it’s too difficult to undo a lifetime of learning, what’s important is learning to succeed and overcome the hurdles low self-esteem can give you.
I wasn’t even abused and unlearning that stuff was too hard to be worthwhile, I can only imagine how hard it would be for ppl with PTSD from child abuse. Framing someone’s experiences and thoughts as “distortions” is belittling and doesn’t encourage positive change or growth
@@jayjustinbasil7221 But if you were always told by everyone who interacted with you that you struggled due to laziness and carelessness then you were abused. This is my point in another comment. People can almost never identify abuse and neglect in their own lives unless someone points it out to them. Not your fault, or any other victims fault, because a big part of abuse is convincing the victim it's their fault. A person who was properly loved by people around them will not have low self esteem. We internalize others view of ourselves when we're little. If others make us feel worthless, lazy, careless, we come to believe we are. And sometimes this can happen in an even more invisible way, but which is also abusive - by neglect. In my experience a ton of people with ADHD aren't overtly abusive towards others because they didn't experience it, but they experienced a lot of emotional neglect. Those of us in trauma circles in fact defend a subset of ADHD is a flight type response to trauma.
@@An1MuS I suppose so - I got a lot more help for my ADHD than other kids my age did, and I wasn’t DIRECTLY told I was lazy/stupid by adults, just that that’s what my choices reflected, if that makes sense.
i thank you so much doc you really helped me a lot, i think psychology should be taught to everyone because it is actually so hard to be a healthy human
Which video was Dr. K mentioning around 18:00? Didn’t understand what he said there and I’d like to give it a watch
^, did he say vadic?
Pls let me know if you find it out :D
@@sqwid12 I would like to know aswell
Same, same, if someone finds it please remind me good soul.
Same
One Love!
Always forward, never ever backward!!
☀️☀️☀️
💚💛❤️
🙏🏿🙏🙏🏼
I see therapy as a means of learning ways in which to deal with mental problems in a helpful way and/or identifying my mental strengths, weaknesses and unique characteristics
If my parents didn’t do any of the wrong things mentioned and were actually very supportive, why do I have such low self esteem?
Great vid! Do you think you could talk about the fears and pressures of becoming a parent for the first time in today’s already demanding settings? Appreciate you all!
It is a good topic. Most women suffer a lot of anxiety trying to be "the perfect mother", attending to social standards (peadiatricians, social media and relatives who dare say to them how to be a good mother). And a lot of parents don't know how to manage technology that didn't exist in their parents generation.