"A new life of meaning and happiness". I don't want a new life, I want my old one back. And I understand it's gone forever, but I don't even know where that leaves me.
I appreciate his comments around 2:45 about forever playing the victim and placing our recovery in our mate’s hands. In individual therapy, I am learning that healing is my responsibility, regardless of how fair or unfair it is that the trauma happened. Healing has to come from within otherwise we are forever dependant on that person to validate us. I’m working on that but I appreciate being remind of it. I also appreciate his comments about about getting to the real core of self-hatred; my self-esteem was crushed as well after finding out about my husband’s affairs but self-hatred really has more layers than just our spouses cheating on us...great video!
I found out 6 days ago my husband of 7yrs has been cheating for 8.5yrs. This reframing is incredibly helpful, as it’s been easy to place my healing in his control when it is in fact in my control.
I wish you the best on your healing journey. I just found out my partner was cheating also about 4 days ago. It was only a few months( that I know of) and it hurts like hell. I can only imagine how you must feel. Sending healing energy your way dear ❤️🩹
I am stucked. In my area it doesn’t look like any psychologists is specialised in infidelity. So what can I do????? Now I need to pay hundreds and thousands because of him? How is this even fair? How can I not blame him for hurting me so much and destroying me so much? Am I RESPONSIBLE for what he did? I mean how is this even fair??????? I am hopeless and desperate
Samuel talked so much about the unfaithful BEING responsible for the recovery of the couple. I mean so what now???? I am so confused. The unfaithful isn’t at least a little bit responsible of the RECOVERY? I am supposed to say absolutely nothing to him as an ADVICE for not destroying the relationship when he blames me so much???? This is hell. I have no idea how to get ouf of this Just say that I give up
And when you catch the betraying partner on his infidelities and he opens up about being on drugs for the duration of our "relationship".........where does that leave you, the betrayed? When he blames the drugs for his behaviour and swears he will admit he has relapsed......again after the fact.......where does that leave the betrayed? Do I blame myself. Becoming the betrayee's new 'addiction' is very tiring. I'm a mess......4 months on.....and I can't see the woods from the trees.
And, we need a caveat to the "create your own safety". In cases of IPV and domestic abuse, "creating safety" is at times unsafe...lets be clear not to blame a victim for their lack of safety in these cases.
This is a serious question: how am I supposed to stop blaming him for being unfaithful? Because he is 100% responsible for what he has done but now I am supposed not to blame him? And when I say blame I mean when speaking of triggers, or things he says that hurt me, I tell him something like « if this hurts so much now in my life, it’s because you betrayed me » But now I should say « if this hurts me so much it’s because I didn’t take responsability »??? But what????? How is this possible in a logic way ? All I believed in what Samuel said in those videos what about now? What am I left with?
Diananas: Of course you blame him, he's 100% responsible for being unfaithful. He is to blame. Some people say that you shoulder some of the blame, but AR doesn't say that, I don't say it, and most people don't. So don't believe it. He is 100% responsible. I've seen a lot of Rick's videos and his messages are less to do with language empathizing and identifying with betrayed spouses, and more toward resolution. His message is more around that it is unhelpful to wallow in blame. This is the mindset: The betrayed spouse suffers a tremendous trauma. Some therapists don't recognize it but it is very real, and it is awful. Worse than anything else, everybody says the same. From this injury you must heal. Infidelity doesn't just affect the marriage, it affects every. single. part of your life. So I repeat again you MUST heal from this. Not optional. So you can see why having the mindset of "if my spouse doesn't do this or that, I won't heal" is a very dangerous, vulnerable position to take (not to mention it is FALSE). Your spouse may never do what you want or need. They may never cooperate. They might cheat again. They might leave you for the AP. A much more healthy, adaptive position to take would be "I acknowledge my marriage is dead, and I need to come to terms with that. I have been critically wounded and traumatized and I need emotional and physical safety. I need emotional support. I need help. If my husband is willing to help, so much the better but if he doesn't he needs to stay out of the way. I will use whatever resources I have to maintain safety and receive help and support for my healing. I will allow no one in my intimate space who isn't 100% ambitiously focused on my healing." The second option is not wallowing in blame. It isn't being a victim. It isn't giving your husband any control over your healing. This is the message of this video. Figuring out how to deal with, reframe, and work through the hurt and anger is where the rubber meets the road with your healing. It is very easy to write, much more difficult to do. But we do it. We make it through.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
"A new life of meaning and happiness". I don't want a new life, I want my old one back. And I understand it's gone forever, but I don't even know where that leaves me.
I appreciate his comments around 2:45 about forever playing the victim and placing our recovery in our mate’s hands. In individual therapy, I am learning that healing is my responsibility, regardless of how fair or unfair it is that the trauma happened. Healing has to come from within otherwise we are forever dependant on that person to validate us. I’m working on that but I appreciate being remind of it. I also appreciate his comments about about getting to the real core of self-hatred; my self-esteem was crushed as well after finding out about my husband’s affairs but self-hatred really has more layers than just our spouses cheating on us...great video!
Thanks
8 years still cant heal my broken heart...god mercy me
I just don't know which way to turn, or what to do. I can't stop thinking about this mess my life is in.
I found out 6 days ago my husband of 7yrs has been cheating for 8.5yrs. This reframing is incredibly helpful, as it’s been easy to place my healing in his control when it is in fact in my control.
I wish you the best on your healing journey. I just found out my partner was cheating also about 4 days ago. It was only a few months( that I know of) and it hurts like hell. I can only imagine how you must feel. Sending healing energy your way dear ❤️🩹
Married 20 years and found out oh may 27th . I have been crying daily! It’s a hard journey
I am stucked.
In my area it doesn’t look like any psychologists is specialised in infidelity.
So what can I do?????
Now I need to pay hundreds and thousands because of him?
How is this even fair?
How can I not blame him for hurting me so much and destroying me so much?
Am I RESPONSIBLE for what he did?
I mean how is this even fair???????
I am hopeless and desperate
Samuel talked so much about the unfaithful BEING responsible for the recovery of the couple.
I mean so what now????
I am so confused.
The unfaithful isn’t at least a little bit responsible of the RECOVERY?
I am supposed to say absolutely nothing to him as an ADVICE for not destroying the relationship when he blames me so much????
This is hell.
I have no idea how to get ouf of this
Just say that I give up
And when you catch the betraying partner on his infidelities and he opens up about being on drugs for the duration of our "relationship".........where does that leave you, the betrayed? When he blames the drugs for his behaviour and swears he will admit he has relapsed......again after the fact.......where does that leave the betrayed? Do I blame myself. Becoming the betrayee's new 'addiction' is very tiring. I'm a mess......4 months on.....and I can't see the woods from the trees.
Praying for you. Prioritize your recovery. He is too broken and you can’t fix him. Get a good counselor that works with EMDR…
Great advice. I learned a lot !
Wow..awesome advice..thx
And, we need a caveat to the "create your own safety". In cases of IPV and domestic abuse, "creating safety" is at times unsafe...lets be clear not to blame a victim for their lack of safety in these cases.
This is excellent and although hard to hear very spot on
This is a serious question: how am I supposed to stop blaming him for being unfaithful? Because he is 100% responsible for what he has done but now I am supposed not to blame him?
And when I say blame I mean when speaking of triggers, or things he says that hurt me, I tell him something like « if this hurts so much now in my life, it’s because you betrayed me »
But now I should say « if this hurts me so much it’s because I didn’t take responsability »??? But what?????
How is this possible in a logic way ?
All I believed in what Samuel said in those videos what about now?
What am I left with?
Diananas: Of course you blame him, he's 100% responsible for being unfaithful. He is to blame. Some people say that you shoulder some of the blame, but AR doesn't say that, I don't say it, and most people don't. So don't believe it. He is 100% responsible.
I've seen a lot of Rick's videos and his messages are less to do with language empathizing and identifying with betrayed spouses, and more toward resolution. His message is more around that it is unhelpful to wallow in blame.
This is the mindset: The betrayed spouse suffers a tremendous trauma. Some therapists don't recognize it but it is very real, and it is awful. Worse than anything else, everybody says the same. From this injury you must heal. Infidelity doesn't just affect the marriage, it affects every. single. part of your life. So I repeat again you MUST heal from this. Not optional.
So you can see why having the mindset of "if my spouse doesn't do this or that, I won't heal" is a very dangerous, vulnerable position to take (not to mention it is FALSE). Your spouse may never do what you want or need. They may never cooperate. They might cheat again. They might leave you for the AP.
A much more healthy, adaptive position to take would be "I acknowledge my marriage is dead, and I need to come to terms with that. I have been critically wounded and traumatized and I need emotional and physical safety. I need emotional support. I need help. If my husband is willing to help, so much the better but if he doesn't he needs to stay out of the way. I will use whatever resources I have to maintain safety and receive help and support for my healing. I will allow no one in my intimate space who isn't 100% ambitiously focused on my healing."
The second option is not wallowing in blame. It isn't being a victim. It isn't giving your husband any control over your healing. This is the message of this video.
Figuring out how to deal with, reframe, and work through the hurt and anger is where the rubber meets the road with your healing. It is very easy to write, much more difficult to do. But we do it. We make it through.
@@wm7929 Thank you for this 🙏🏽❤