Healing After an Affair: Has Too Much Damage Been Done?
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- Опубликовано: 23 июн 2021
- “Is there ever a time when there’s too much damage to try and recover from?” Whether you’re the betrayed spouse or the unfaithful spouse, this is an understandable question when healing after an affair. Today, Samuel offers guidance on answering this important question as well as how to work toward relational and individual healing.
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ON-CAMERA EXPERT: Infidelity survivor and Affair Recovery Survivors’ Blog contributor Samuel.
“Healing After an Affair: Has Too Much Damage Been Done?” Survivors’ Blog video by Affair Recovery (C) 2021
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There’s pain that hurts & there’s pain that completely changes you.
Agree. Some pain hurts and does not change you. Pain that changes you also hurts.
Well said. After going through it more than once In a lifetime, it makes you angry, bitter and numb. I think once you’re ok with being alone, you have power to see things in a more positive light.
I agree.. it’s been very hard!
As a betrayed I sometimes ponder what Frodo said: "...How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold."
And then he said: "...My dear Sam. You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on."
Being "torn in two" is a tough place to be.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I recently discovered my wife cheating or getting ready to meet up with another man. I immediately confronted her and she ran away. She returned and said it wasn’t as bad as I was thinking . Then weeks later I discovered the messages. Disgusting behavior that I thought she would never act on let alone say to another man , who in my opinion isn’t attractive in the least bit, he was my brother in laws best friend, too close to home for me. The messages changed my perception of her, who she was or is and the secrets she could withhold from me and wanted to do things for him she won’t do for me ?! It hurt. Then come to find out there was another person she was “communicating “ with through Facebook messenger. It’s just not worth the pain I had to deal with on a daily basis, just looking at her , looking at her with my kids, listening to her voice makes me, kinda hate her. Trust and being genuine are very important traits to me. I do not accept liars and people who deceive or manipulate others. Sooooo. Good luck with all that read this, and remember, you are the most important, don’t let someone else dictate your happiness. Like this guy says, people can change and be forgiven, but it’s like a bomb, when will they do this again. And do you wanna constantly be wondering when the fuse will be lit? Someone who betrays your trust should never be trusted EVER again. Be strong folks !
That is where I am right now. Too much has happened that I don’t see how I can move forward with my wife. I strongly believe that a peaceful parting of ways is the best for me.
The flooding and anger plus the gaslighting is really hard to get away from... It's scary how angry I get from him saying he wants to fix it and nothing changes it's disgusting really
Thank you Samuel, you helped me 2 1/2 years ago by simply responding to a comment. We watched a ton of your videos, my UH did the work and today our marriage (33 years) is better than ever. I never thought I could heal from that pain. Thank you for saving our marriage.
I'm so glad I could be a part of your restoration. thank you so much for the encouragement.
I wish this was me. My marriage (33 yrs) is still broken. Husband with his affair partner, also his secretary, and he has no interest in doing the work.
I am gutted but also have gone forward. Moved to a new house, found a new job, and I continue to keep manifesting my new dream for a new life.
@@leilawiebe5092 sorry to hear that, I wish you all the best in your life
I miss the freedom of being vulnerable. He’s doing the work, but I’m just struggling with letting him back in. It’s been 2 1/2 years.
Prayers for your best friend, he’s in my thoughts.
Going through it too.. Good luck to you!
thank you so much
I sooo hear you there ladies. It’s been 2 years for us as well, he’s doing the work (I have been too) but I can’t seem to let my guard down. Thanks Samuel for these wonderful videos. They helped me get through the worst of it in 2019.
I feel the same Suzanne. It's been 3 years for us now since his latest infidelity in our 21 year marriage was discovered. I'm still struggling and trying to hope for the best.
It has been 2.5 years for us too, and I will not fully let my guard down. We have done marriage counseling bi-monthly and our own individual counseling as well since D-Day and have come a long way. I still believe it’s too soon to announce that we have recovered even though our marriage is healthy and I rarely am reminded anymore.
Can totally identify with the disorientation. I had breast cancer and found out my husband was emotionally cheating, sending gifts to another woman while I was going through 16 rounds of chemo. This is excruciatingly even more 😣 painful. Yet another PTSD event for me and it’s exhausting
i'm so sorry. have you been able to get any care for the ptsd? there are two forms of treatment I would look into: emdr and ett. they both are exceptional for ptsd. you'll want to make sure they are administered by experts but they can be life changing. i've done them both and they have helped me so much.
@@samshealingpodcast Thank you so much I will look into getting this type of therapy.
I went for a minor surgery and while I was away my wife was texting her ex bf that she knows I set those boundaries to stay away more than once!!!!
D day was 17 days ago. I feel that pain so much right now, so much.
💗 I hope the pain is less over time for you.
This is a brutal walk no one asks for in life!
It’s so wrong.
It’s so unfair and it wrecks people. 💕
My heart goes out to you. I was there a year ago but now doing much better ❤
"BOTH" is the key word here.
My wife not only gave her body and mind to a man she barely knew but abandoned me and my two daughters aged 5 and 2 To be with him.Then i let her come home to work on the marriage and while she slept in my bed she slept with him again. How's that for too much damage.
So sorry for hearing this. You deserve much better.
Some levels of infidelity betrayal are too devastating to ever recover from, the scars are with you for the rest of your life.
Samuel, you are very right. You become numb, and you feel like you are in a darkness that you can't get out of it. It has been 13 years now, and he's still lying.
Not when your spouse is a cheating narcissist, they will never take responsibility because they believe they are faultless and blameless. By Amelia
Yeah. It's hard to see the truth when someone is hiding behind lies
I was changed forever. Will never be the same again!
It wrecks people. Infidelity changes you - IMO, its scars your soul forever and the pain is always there to some degree.
My children are raised & therapy is a weekly reminder of trauma. We’re a year out from first disclosure - 6 weeks since the last. He has hope. He’s doing great in recovery. I am ready to forgive. That’s the best I’ve got
hi michelle. it's 100 percent normal. it sounds like you're doing the best you can. i'm so sorry it's such a reminder, but it's how we heal and how we move forward. i'm so proud of your hard work. it gets easier and it gets better, but it takes time, process and grit. keep going my friend. it's worth it all.
Hi Samuel, it has been 2 months since d-day and we have been working to restore our marriage and your videos have helped tremendously. However, this past Friday I hit a trigger that opened up a deep wound and past trauma. I asked my husband what attracted him to his affair partner in an Effort to learn from that. His response was that it was a physical attraction and described her physically with such enthusiasm and even a bit of excitement that it triggered deep self-estime trauma. I know that he didn't mean to hurt me but now I cannot bear his touch because I feel compared to his affair partner's "perfect" body. The trigger was so deep that I can't look at myself in the mirror. I know he wants to comfort me and help but I can't bear not even a hug. I fear that there is no coming back from this.
Claudia, that sounds excruciatingly painful 😓. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. My (ex) fiancé did not cheat with a real woman but I discovered a serious porn habit of 'legal' teen porn. I'm 46 and he's 57! It's been so damaging to my self esteem, I've left our house as I can't even look at him. Sending you so much love 💜💙
That’s horrible, Claudia! I feel your pain. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s brutal. 💕
You are ‘enough’ and lovable just the way you are. He has a lot of work to do to mend himself. He is a selfish and broken man!
This video is so true. I can really relate to everything that you have said. My husband has been in an affair on and off for nearly 4 years. We are separated at the moment and the pain and hurt that I have felt is excruciating. It’s the most intense pain I have ever felt in my life. I’m really hoping I can move on from this. I still would like to reconcile with my husband but his addiction and attachment to this other woman is just too strong. I am nearly ready to give up on our marriage even though deep down I really don’t want to. I have been very patient with him because I value our time together (25 years). Half our lifetimes.
Start writing all your pain and emotions in letters and put it in an envelope and address it to him and then put in a drawer.And start praying for him and yourself.God is in the 2nd chance buiseness and nothing is impossible for Him.And take care of yourself.
D day was 8 yrs ago. I am no longer angry. No longer seek revenge i forgive my wife. However , the deep sadness still lingers. I wish i could no longer feel the sorrow of her affair.
I feel like he made promises that he never intended to keep. You cant repair it alone without God or the other partner. I could forgive the affair and the consequences its the lack of work after. Im ready to leave before I begin to hate him which is definitely not God! God heal me
I'm sorry. I can relate 100% The reality of seeing him go on every day like nothing, no mention of repair work, much less effort to, breaks my heart over and over. It's been years of this "pretend normal" and it's the pure hell.
Thank you Samuel, I've been watching you for the past 2+ years, I've been through a very difficult situation but with God's Grace and watching your videos I'm showing improvement in my life. Keep up the great work.
thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement my friend.
Samuel, I have a very serious question. When you say you have seen marriages survive and be restored and healed from the worst situations of infidelity, are those marriages TRULY HEALED or has the couple just chosen to stay together and pushed their true feelings deep down and put on a smile only for it to come back 10-15 years later and end in divorce? Thats a huge fear of mine, to go through all this pain of trying to forgive and recovery and trying to heal just to lose it all eventually anyways.
hi joleen. there are no guarantees ever in this recovery thing, but there are no guarantees in life either. you just never know. i've seen marriages where both parties want to do their own work and do their own work make it, time and time again. when one spouse won't do their work, it's extremely hard to make it work over time. the trauma doesn't just go away. it has to be processed....trauma of all kind, not just marital or infidelity. fact is, divorce is trading one set of a problems for another...you can't look for a guarantee as there are none and the ones selling it are probably selling you something. but, you can do the work and see how it goes knowing that all of life is uncertain. you are worth the work....that's for sure.
Joleen I forgave and healed and still divorced. I believed wholely he would not cheat again but he would not do the deep core work that led him to cheat. Staying would've caused me my soul, but he is still my friend, my coparent. Mr. Samuel is right I traded one set of problems for another, but for me it was the right decision. We weren't without the usual divorce issues but we worked hard together to be supportive parents and eventually mostly get it right, I know we're blessed for that much. You know your spouse and situation best. What was his core cause, is he doing the work, helping you heal, putting in more energy? Are you healing, how do you feel, are you starting to trust your intuition yet? Take your time, be gentle on yourself.
@@HealingHappyAli I’m so sorry to hear your marriage has failed 😞 I’m currently working on myself and trying to win back my wife…I have taken ownership of my issue and i have realised that person whom i was was not me…in fact he revolts me and I’m so ashamed of him…I’m trying to heal through both mental and spiritual avenues and regardless of whether my wife comes back or not I don’t want that old me back in my life 😢
Quite a few stay together but at about the 5 year mark divorce. The reasons I have heard are the fear of being alone has dissipated, the competition urge with the affair partner has faded , and betrayed folks realize the prize they were competing for is really no prize. The pay for reconciliation services businesses inflate their stats by not following up after the first year or so.
I just found out about my husband’s affair a month ago. I was willing to work on our marriage, but he just doesn’t care anymore. Planning on filing for divorce. There’s just no point for my particular situation.
Samuel I hope you see this. Your videos and lessons have thought me so much these past few months. They’ve really got me out of the fire pit I was in after learning of wife’s affair. I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. We’ve done the bootcamp and are starting the EMS online. Thank you for the fantastic work you do, it’s helped me more than you’ll ever know and probably the most important is I’m still on this earth.
hard to find the words to thank you ollie. it means so much to hear and read things like that. more than you know. thank you so much!
Right there with you mate.
Always inspired & learn something new in each video ! Appreciate it so much Samuel
my pleasure. thank you for the kind words.
I'd like to see a video about what the terms "healthy" and "unhealthy" mean. If the unfaithful spouse is unhealthy, what does that mean exactly, or at least several possibilities of characteristics of unhealthiness. Also the term "sober."
Thank you Samuel. It’s a breath of fresh air to hear this perspective. I am so tired of people just spewing their negative opinions. I am a part of a support group but all I hear is bitterness and spouse bashing. I don’t see the level headedness. I see a lot of woman sitting on a chair passing judgement when it was never ours to cast. Yes this hurts, but we can only do our own work. Unfortunately I’m stuck in an area where I believe that I already know it all. I see I have more room to grow. I’m still struggling to stop working my spouses recovery by pestering him about counseling and sending him affair recovery videos and becoming upset if he doesn’t follow through. But I thank you for speaking in a way that can reach people and help us reflect.
my pleasure. it's an honor to be able to help.
Hi Sam. I am really learning so much from you. My husband has been cheating on me for many years andvi didnt know. We have been married 29 years. In February of this year, I confronted him after doing my research
Thank you Samuel you helped me a lot in my healing journey God bless you ❤
thank you for the kind words. means everything.
Appreciate this video
Thank you Samuel. I’m fortunate because my UH is doing the work. We are doing the work. We talk every night and continue building and restoring our bridge to a healed marriage. EMS was pivotal and was a true launching pad to our recovery. I can’t thank Affair Recovery and all the amazing staff and all these therapeutic videos enough for helping us find our way. There truly IS hope when both spouses commit to each other and the work. I pray for everyone going through the trauma of infidelity that they see the glimmer of hope and the silver lining in their lives regardless of their circumstances and personal journeys - because hope is everything.
Same
thank you for such kind words my friend.
How do I move past not being number one in my wife’s eyes. Where she knows I don’t do for her what he did for her. But she says it’s ok she loves me in different ways than how she loved him. I am what you call an overachiever. Because there isn’t many thing you can’t accomplish with determination and work. And the fact that there is nothing I can do to make her attracted to me like that and it makes me feel like an idiot for even trying because I can’t change it.
hi jake. thank you for a great question. the reality is, in many ways affairs are about escaping, fantasy and how the affair partner makes us feel about ourselves. it's vital you both get the help you need to sift through the wreckage and find clarity. often times it takes her finding clarity on why she had the affair in the first place. are you all getting any help at all?
Hum sorry, but why she's sounding like there's nothing wrong with what she did?
Is she even regretting it?
Wow, needed this today! I still don't know what the outcome will be for us... 17 affair partners, and one of those a 11 month long girlfriend...that she is hinting resulted in a child possibly, after I loss my fertility...just so much to take in! 3 of those 17 people were after all of this started coming out about girlfriend. But heaviest load I have ever carried. It's killing me. I just want some form of normalcy again to my life.
i'm so sorry. i get it. i know it's overwhelming. you can heal. you can find your own healing and your own peace of mind but it will take the right help, a process and time. but, you can absolutely heal.
Im so sorry. I read your comment and it broke my heart. I hope your doing as good as can be expected. I cant even imagine. Im here if you ever need to talk!
I believe in a 2nd chance but 17 is way too much hun. I know you love them but you probably should move on from that one
So true!
My female fiancé of over a year and a half cheated on me. I have prayed to see if I should break things for good with her or work things through. It seems that either choice is the right choice. It is so hard because I have invested over 2 years of my life with her and is the only person I have ever loved this way. I have lost the admiration that I had for her and fear that things will never be the same. What should I do? People are telling me to both, move on to better things, and stay work things out.
We've been at this for over 2 years now, but the cheater doesn't want to go to therapy anymore, because nothing comes from talking, according to him. I am in therapy, to deal with his cheating but also my own messy childhood and other personal stuff that shaped me. I'm feeling like Im the one doing all the work to safe this marriage of 25 years and he just thinks we will be fine in a while, hoping things turn to 'normal' again. I'm not that sure. If I would be healthy and had a job i would be gone already. But I'm depended on him, I'm chronically ill, have no own income and leaving would mean going into poverty. I don't want that. That's a choice, I know, but I also want to have a loving relationship and right now it's not. What would your advice be???
Some days I think I can't take it no longer and will leave, other days I much rather just die and be done with it.
It sounds like your husband has done a fair bit of work and therapy sessions. The question is how much change has happened? Is he loving and validating? If that's not there, then poverty is better than perpetual insecurity and wondering when the hammer will fall again. I'm chronically ill too, so I can relate to your dilemma. I just wanted mine out, even though we own a house together. It's only because I hit my chronic depression season that he has a window to show me better than it's been for years. He actually is. Seeing me telling him to go to his gf, and meaning it, or anywhere but here, and knowing I meant it for at least a month seemed to finally rattle him.
If you're working out other issues in therapy, it may not be so much about him. Seeing as how you have 2 years in again. It could also be depression colouring your insecurity. I sure know how that feels too.
This sounds so much like my situation. Because I am in the same boat, I am in no position to give advice, but I do feel your pain and I see you. I sincerely hope you've found some healing, and that you have been able to build your independence in a way that allows you to properly make the right decision for your heart and your life.
I am in the same situation too. But he’s a serial cheater -3 times in pro 20 years. Every time he won’t leave his gf and all long term. By the GoD of grace and compassion I didn’t commit suicide! This is the 3rd affair. I am doing the work on myself. 10 months from D day from the 3rd affair found out by our 19th years old..
I realized I have a lot of
Childhood trama that i need to work on.
It hard to leave and hard to stay. Living in limbo! But I know one day we’ll be find bc God will help us thur this or out of this.
I am going through this right now. I feel like most of the time I am the only one who is trying to repair my marriage and heal. My husband had an affair last year right after we had our son. It was a very hard labor and very critical. He would talk and show my 6year old daughter pictures of the other woman and even had her over when he was supposed to be having the kids for the weekend. He asked me to come back and wanted to work things out but ever since I just feel like he is okay with just getting along and not talking about it like that will take care of everything. I have been trying my hardest to get through this but it's been hard because he just thinks going to work and coming home is making it work. I try not to look at what he is not doing but it's frustrating because he doesn't even try. Just ignores it and that's it. He says he just wants to go back to the way it was and for me to be happy but there's no work put in. I think he is more concerned with his mom not talking to him because they have a toxic family than focus on his family he has right in front of him that have been hurt tremendously. Idk I am just frustrated and indifferent anymore.
I'm so sorry. You deserve to be loved and cherished as a wife. I pray your husband opens his eyes and does the work.
Hello Samuel...i'm always asking myself, has the been to much damage? My marriage has its good memories but been on the rocks from pretty much the start...from little petty lies, progressing to a seperation in September last year (7 yrs married)...for 2 years I went and looked for help, started changing my life around but my partner never wanted to join in marriage counselling. Always said it was me with the issues and that I need it more...in August last year the past came back knocking and it blow up in our relationship...she truly had issues still there, unforgivens hidden and that was the final straw...I don't blame her, I know my issues and what has happened, Ive taken responsibility for my actions...I know who I am and can't believe I'm in This position, never thought this would have happened to me or my wife...I can't believe from a small issue I've pushed as nothing, has manifested and twisted it self as a monster with many heads... luckily, I know it hasn't changed my personality of who I truly am...but it's definitely questioning on how stupid I was...and if I am who I thought I was?...I'm still trying to win my marriage back... but it's so hard everyday. Still getting the help and even more now...I know she hasn't yet gotten help and praying she will...in my soul I'm going to do everything I can to change, I know it'll take time...I'm reaping what I sowed in the past...I'm sowing better now and going to wait for the reaping of good fruit to come...this is the law of harvest....I can't go back only forward....and would love my wife to come back and move forward with me....but without her part, has my damage been to much to heal my marriage....
Thank you for all your videos. My UH moved out two months ago saying he was ambivalent but has continued to be with her yet says he can't stop thinking about me. His drinking increased during the start of the affair (and maybe before) but is now out of control to the point that it's painful to watch. I thought there was hope when it was just his ambivalence, but with the drinking and self hatred I am not sure he will come out of it. I have since cut off contact but still worry about him. I guess I am wondering if the alcohol and affair are one in the same addiction or if its two problems? I feel like there is too much damage or the road back is way too long. Can you do a video about alcoholism and infidelity? How one effects the other?
thank you for the suggestion. I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. i know it hurts like hell and i'm sorry.
@@samshealingpodcast I agree with the dilemma of alcohol plus infidelity. They go arm in arm in my situation- not sure which came first! 🥲
I just found out about a month ago. We always got along and she started being erratically mean. Escalated to the point I asked her if it was another man. She said yes, but a day later said it isn't. I know it is, and I am willing to work through it, but seems like she has the blinders on and is just spewing anger at e deflecting. Has anyone been through this and it eventually settled down and you could attempt the reconciliation and therapy? I'm all in, I love her, but I don't want to make myself sicker than I am. I can hardly walk I'm so weak and sleep deprived lost 21 ponds -so far. Help
I lost 45 lbs through the process, and became a skeleton of who I was. 1 year down the road and are only together for the kids, she was unfaithful, and I cant get myself to try and repair this. Books, counselors, youtube videos, countless google searches, nothing helps. The pain is unspeakable, and we become trapped. I dont have an answer, but I'm here for you to vent at the least
“You can’t do so much work that automatically by osmosis they are healed as well.” Wow! Good stuff.
Samuel, I’ve been watching your videos for a few weeks now. I’m a unfaithful spouse and I really need some advice and healing. How can I contact you?
you can email in to info@hope-now.com and ask them to send the email to me. i'm only able to read brief email though fyi.
You mention in your videos, "when both parties are willing to do the work and move forward", how do you know if the betrayed party is in or when should you ask if they are willing to find a way to move forward?
What about changes the other can't see????
IF is the optimal word here. IF both partners are willing to do the hard work. after 3.5 yrs of healing from his sex/porn addiction acting out over the span of half of our 30 yr marriage... But I’m tired of being the only partner doing the work for our relational healing. I’ve had to pull away from him and our marriage to keep myself safe from his continued emotional, verbal and psychological abuse. He’s still so very defensive, minimizing and blame shifting. 😢
Same story, still defensive and withdrawn and everyone expects me to fix the mess he created and move the relationship on. I feel I'm not worthy to pursue and fight for
i'm so sorry. you're right, there is only so much one can do and if he's not all in, then at some point, you have to pull back and take care of you and prioritize your own healing.
That's a lot to deal with. Can someone truly heal from what you've been through?
Samuel, I found out my husband of 3 years and partner of 7 had parallel relationships with another woman for the entire time we were together, and on top of that he got her pregnant before we got married and he hid it from me for the entire time. On top of that he's also had other multiple relationships/affairs over the last 7 years with many other women. And he has lied and lied even after he promised he would tell me the truth about everything. It's been 3 months since I've discovered the initial 3 affairs, and I'm still making more new discoveries about more from other sources, and he's kept up his lies and stories in order to maintain some sort of friendship with me. I'm really at the end of the road, I no longer trust him 1 single bit, everytime I discover new bombshells, it's like I'm getting betrayed all over again. What's your view on this?
I'm so sorry. I hope you are strong enough to find someone who will cherish you
After all he has done for as many years he's done it i dont think incan heal. He continues to dismiss me and downplay his actions and words. This makes my rage go higher. He won't take accountability for what he's done. I don't feel like I can ever trust him again. He has damaged me so much.
If they won't work on it and admit fault... I would draw my line in the sand right there
My husband is very repentative and doing all the right things. But once in a while he is still having thoughts of the other woman. This is very painful to me . He says he doesn't want to have these thoughts and love me. Can you please help me with how to not let it set me back so much.
after years of betrayal trauma and forgiving, I have truly done the work. I am taking care of myself now, living as a single woman and realize that some people, no matter how hard you try, will never change. neurologically their set point is a behavior that I personally am no longer willing to tolerate.
How long do you give for the unfaithful spouse to do their work? What if they are unwilling to work on it? After 2,3,5 years? What steps do you take when you can’t continue?
I don't think you give them more than you can handle. at some level there comes a point where they have to want it and if they don't, their actions are telling you where they are at. it's different for each of us, but there does come a time I think where you have to give up trying to make them want you, pull back, work on you and then see when you are ready to give up. A professional who is an expert will be safe to help you lay out a timeline that's sensitive to you and your own pain and hurt.
5 months in, and my unfaithful wife still cannot commit to the marriage. The affair ended on D-day, but this ambivalent crap is killing me. How long do I stay stuck in this place, waiting for her to decide she wants our marriage? Everything seems so damn complicated, and her avoidant connection style is demoralizing.
what help are you both utilizing? are you getting help through any programs? have you looked at our site? you can deal with ambivalence if you're getting the right help and have the right process involved.
Samuel, what if the UH does no work at all but wants to save the marriage? I’m doing all the work. Will I ever heal without him doing any work?
hi there. im sorry it's so tough. you can heal, but unfortunately I don't know if the marriage can heal if he won't do any work. you can focus on your own healing and your own well being absolutely though.
@@samshealingpodcast what can I suggest for him to get involved in to start working on his healing?
@@micheleaszmankanzlemar6306 I would tell him to dive into the website and watch videos, do the free bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/how-to-recover/boot-camp-introduction-page and then do this course for him and his own repair work: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing
The analogy of cancer and infidelity being discoloring and disorienting is so on target. I found out while I was having breast cancer surgery, my UH was asking a woman (actually a coworker) out to go play in the mud with him and his new jeep. This was just one of many indiscretions, my scar over my heart is more than cancer.
Thank you. This struggle is real. My UH DOESNT DO THE WORK
Have you tried the free online bootcamp with your partner? It’s on the affair recovery website and it’s free ☺️
i'm sorry. keep taking care of you.
That is what's going through my head now 😕. What if they still don't want to tell the truth about everything?
your work is your work...we can't make them do their work, but we can be safe for them and we can do all the work we know we need to do.
It's hard. They possibly think that some details and other things are only going to hurt you or make things worse, their intentions for not telling you things are not always bad.
It was hard to really get through to my spouse that only full honesty was the answer. 80 or 90 percent just doesn't cut it
What if he says that will be better in future will have good future, will be close but what was like before never gonna be same will have everything better but what husband and wife have between them emotionally, trust will be never same even after years he said that to me and i felt that pain so deep what i have lost but im determined to work everything i can but it's seems even he will be with me , even i don't have right to expect anything because it's me who did damage but if he will never give or work anything for us even small effort how I'm gonna led forward that scares me 😢
IF BOTH!! Both partners are willing... there’s a school of thought out there that’s backed up by other experts that states it’s 100 percent on the unfaithful to fix it all. Any accountability placed upon or expected from the faithful only perpetuates their trauma. I’m trying to be sensitive to what she’s been having to process, but there’s always been a gigantic lack of emotional responsibility there. Things don’t look good. Separated. One sided communication or else I’m blocked. I am still sad, but I’m starting to get frustrated.
Is this too much? My wife of 23 yrs, I caught her twice. First time she promised not to do it again. She has cheat for 22 yrs. Her last affair was 11 yrs with one man and multiple men. She cheated with 9 men total, half were married. What about this one?
If this tryst to heal it will leave a massive scar. All the kings horses and all the kings men.😕
Who can harm a Christian?
The only problem I have with what you said is….yes, with help even without God we can do some healing BUT you need God for complete healing. We do not have the power or wisdom in human flesh alone for complete healing. We do need the one who created us.
with respect, not everyone comes from faith so to put on someone they can't heal without God/divinity etc when they are adamantly opposed to that world view can make them feel shame. i'm glad you're strong in your faith, but not everyone on this channel is and I don't want anyone feeling excluded.
@@samshealingpodcast I’m sorry you feel that way. I have great respect for you and your wisdom. I don’t know how anyone can expect or receive “full” healing without faith no matter what their spiritual background is. There are some things that aren’t possible without Gods help. I know it wouldn’t be possible for my spouse and I to have that depth of recovery snd healing without the touch of God in our lives. I respectfully disagree with your statement.
@@lindac4527 I'm healing without any help from God, I have faith in humanity and our world, not all people are bad, they sometimes make bad choices. I'm 5 months in from D-day and I believe I'm healing, but I'm getting professional help without God. I'm all for people having faith in God - if that works for you then that's great.
“You can’t do so much work that automatically by osmosis they are healed as well.” Wow!
To be hit with partial disclosure of infidelity, multiple times not elaborated, just as you start dealing with pain of marrow cancer, with failing kidneys and liver, just all seems to much. All after surviving severe septic shock where recovery wasn't supposed to happen, according ro doctors. Where do you turn, how can you hope for recovery if betrayer isn't willing to do work. Trapped and alone.....
this is a safe place you can heal as a betrayed spouse: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope if they are not willing to do the work, you can do your own work to heal, regroup and take care of you. no one else will take care of you the way you can take care of yourself. it's vital you prioritize your healing and well being. if he won't, that's ok, you have to be good to you and do what you can to help yourself heal. you can't make him do anything, but you can help yourself feel safe, grounded and cared for.
Del, I feel your pain! I was in the hospital for a week with septic shock, and was told if I had waited one more day, I wouldn’t have made it. I had to travel 40 minutes one way , to have my iv bag changed, daily for 3 weeks. My husband was the one who insisted I go to the emergency room. About a month after I stopped the iv’s, my husband told me, if he had to do it over again, he wouldn’t have taken me to the hospital. I asked him “even though I would have died?” He just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. I’m mad at my self for not walking away from this marriage then. He still denies having an affair. I’ve just recently decided that I’m going to give him 2 months to come clean. If he hasn’t by then and hasn’t started to get help…I’m going to let him know on his birthday that I’m going to be filing. My last gift to him, will be his freedom from me.
I think men who desert their wives when they're ill are cruel. They should be forgiven and given their freedom.
Have you had a infidelity spouse cheat with their ex wife and tell them they are the love of their life and they will do anything to be back in their arms and with Jesus because they know that’s where they need to be and they only came back out of obligation
No big deal her betrayal just means the 14 years of marriage before meant nothing to her. I would have been perfectly fine if she divorced me and then slept with 100 guys I would not care but to sneak around behind my back that hurts.
Imagine not doing it behind your back. Sometimes I wonder would it be better if she was trying to hide it?
I just feel completely emasculated
@@sebastiangarcia41910that's vindictive... I hope you've left this situation
If I get better she'll get better. No...Osmosis doesn't work.
He repented, doing all he can to fix our marriage, I don't really know what he could do more to help me recover and heal. But I guess I'm too broken. I know I'll never heal. Even if I divorce, I know I'll never trust again someone else, I know my husband has broken me forever.