A Strategy on How to Diffuse from Reminders, Triggers, and Emotional Flooding after Infidelity
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
- Today Samuel provides a strategy for those trying to manage triggers and intrusive thoughts after disclosure.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I can be laying in my husband arms at night then the “ dark place” enters my mind and I just can’t stand his touch. It burns like fire! I have to move away from him. The “ dark place “ will always be a part of my life no matter how sorry he is. He made this a part of my life now I have to suffer the consequences of his bad choices forever!!
Sorry your going through this, my wife did the betrayal and it's the hardest and saddest experience I've ever been through. I love here so much, I want to truly forgive her but it's easier said then done. As bad as this is, I've just needed someone to vent out to. I hope you are able to get pass this.
im dealing with this, after 15 years to know what she did it is killing me.. im been betrayed
I’m struggling with this. I can be fine and then it crosses my mind and I get so enraged and depressed that I want to give up and leave again. He seems to be truly remorseful and has changed but I don’t know why I still get so bothered. I get resentful and start to feel so insecure. I don’t know if I should stay or go. This is a 10 yr relationship and I don’t know if it’s time to throw in the towel. I also found out while I was pregnant. So I feel super resentful about that as well
Same here. I found out 1 year after our second child was born. He started the affair 3 months after my son was born. Together 15 years, married 10. I am so angry. My husband is so repentant and different, but I keep picturing them having sex. And I am filled with rage.
Has it gotten better?
It just hurts 😣
You are SO not alone. My wife cheated 31 years ago, and I can go months, and then all it takes is a dream, a song, or a name, or even see a map, and I go off the rails. No amount of therapy, or hypnosis, or study, or even drugs and alcohol provide relief. I wish you the peace I can't find.
I could've wrote this myself. How long has it been since u found out? 7 months for me.
But I get so angry that he caused this caused all the pain I have and caused all this and I now have to deal with these triggers.
I just found out last week my spouse has been sleeping with a co worker for almost a year.
This channel has really helped me over the past few days. Thank you for doing this.
Seperated from my wife 6 months ago. Just last week found out that the last year and half of our marriage she was in a affair. Worst I have ever felt. Hope you are doing well a year later
These videos have gotten me through the worst time of my life-a time I’ve wanted to die and felt like I was. Thank you
I feel your pain. I drink myself to sleep every night trying to forget what she did, and if I don't, I just lie there wanting to die. I hope you find some peace.
@@mmm053 if you feel you are a threat to yourself, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Please take care!
It has been 25 years since I found out my SO was cheating on me. I still run into triggering and flooding 2-5 days a year, but the struggle has been much worse this year. These videos are helping me greatly. Thanks for making them available.
Same situation
Hey there, I always like your videos Samuel. I don't flood anymore, I don't get my heart racing and I'm not all jittery. I do have constant reminders throughout the day though. We are almost 3 yrs post d-day. What happens when I have these reminders is almost a quiet resignation. I think 'yep, he did that' Every trigger brings up in me a reminder that our marriage vows were broken, he was a selfish individual, he took his family for granted, he is not a man of his word. This was a man I thoroughly adored, even his faults I felt 'nobody's perfect' but I truly thought he was the man for me, I found him attractive, intelligent. I thought he was honourable. So now I feel constant reminders of how he is not honourable, how he is not faithful or a man of his word and I just think sadly about it. Then I think well I deserve better than a man like that. He was truly my everything. We are still together but infidelity is very strongly against my values.
Thank you for sharing. I feel the same way, he took us, his family for granted and we all worked together at our family business. As did his AP, (recently divorced) came by our business every day, saying she loved our family. She said to me, I would never go with a married man, liar. I invited her to our family dinners, as did our daughter saying invite her, she needs support. My husband and I had issues that I was hoping we could resolve, well he found his own sneaking solutions thinking all is great now, but he feels I should get over it, it's been less then 3 months.
A Bartlett yes I am 3 years past finding out about my husbands affair! Stil have constant quiet triggers . And now have the same feelings about my husband. I want to feel positive in his character but it’s difficult.
i feel your pain.
@@BJTGrass I'm so sorry. Yes, they seem to want to steal our lives. His AP was our employee, who I encouraged he employ as she had small children etc. I was just trying to help a woman out...I'm sorry you have a long road ahead of you. At first my husband was all swagger and cockiness. It took counselling and work for him to realise the devastation he has caused. Actually EMS was a real help for him to develop empathy. Maybe EMS could work for you too? But yes, it sucks when they're all 'this was no big deal'...no big deal to them, everything to us. Also they would never take us back if we had done it to them... stay strong.
@@juliepetulla9513 thank you for commenting. I'm glad it's not just me. Keep your chin up.
It's 1:00am and I'm experiencing emotional flooding. I'm truly grateful for your videos, they're very helpful during this difficult and trying recovery. Sometimes I'm lost and filled with anger and resentment about being betrayed, but I find my way back to your guidance. Gratitude😔 🙏🏿
2.30am here in Australia, 1 week in to finding out the disgusting betrayal and i am broken.
1 week today and I have had like 8 triggers just today
Samuel, I cannot tell you how much your videos have meant to me... literally my lifeline. God bless you!
It's been just over 7 months since dday. My wife of 15 years had a very brief affair. Part of me wishes it had been a long term affair or multiple affairs so that it would make it easier to leave her. But the triggers and intrusive thoughts are a constant companion and I am just a miserable person filled with rage, disgust, self pity and bitterness. If we had no children I'd leave her. I'm trying to stay for my kids, but I don't know if the kids are enough. Either choice I make, stay or go, I only see pain. I've never been so broken in my life....
That's me at 4 months although my wife's affair was a year. The pain is subsiding, but it really sucks and I'm still blown away it even happened.
Strongs mate and yes, the kids are worth it.Work the situation and watch these videos.See somebody to help!
Dark Cloud & Jay; I’m the W who had A. Very brief as in (2-3months Emotional), 2 days of premeditated (just Kissing) Been married 27 years. 2 DDays to my H. 2nd Dday, my H told me that it’s pretty scary that I answered that I didn’t know what I would’ve done or chosen if pandemic didn’t cause AP to start working from home. My H’s first questions; what’s missing in our marriage and what can he do to be a better H? I felt & definitely still do feel we have a great marriage. I’m the one who is broken and messed up & for some reason I tend to be drawn into others that give me extra attention. Definitely hate that about myself and how I let myself get so drawn in by this other guy because he was so nice to me/my H & I out here on a business trip in HI. It makes me sick that I chose such darkness & Sin and betrayed my H in the worst way!! My H has chosen to forgive me, love me, not talk about it, but he is definitely okay with me getting whatever help I need to work on myself and invite him to listen and/or read anything that can help and/or be a blessing to our marriage. I am so blessed to have such an awesome husband!! I’m just trying to work really hard on myself to being a much better wife to him in every way possible!!
I will keep you all in my prayers for you to forgive your wives and continue to work on your marriages and for God to bless your marriages abundantly in the future as you move forward!!
Dark Cloud, see comment in survivor’s blog on loosing respect or admiration for spouse. Thank you.
Hey how did everything turn out?
It has been almost 3 months since I discovered my husband's affair with a close family friend. I can sail along for a few days and then something sets me off and I flood and start a rant. I feel bipolar, I don't think my husband really understands. I hope he might listen to this and help me through it rather than yell back at me.
three months isn't much time at all my friend. it's totally normal. i'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling. there is a ton of help on our site for reminders and flooding: www.affairrecovery.com/free-resources-home search reminders or protocol for reminders and there is some great stuff
You are not alone in being a betrayed that feels bipolar.
Yes my husband left me a year ago and we are getting a divorce and I definitely have a lot of triggers. I tried to save the marriage but he didn’t want to stop seeing the girl he cheated on me with. It’s sad. Samuel your videos have so helped me through everything. Thank you so much.
It's almost been a year and a half since my ex had an affair. I'm with someone new now who is a great woman, but I still deal with moments of anger and rage from my ex's infieldity. I wish I could erase her completely.
I feel you Robert. I’m dealing with the same triggers and flooding in a new relationship even though it’s been years since I left my ex who was cheating. It’s very difficult.
10 years from d- day melt town triggers, as he is working out of town for 8 weeks- home on weekends, discussions about a woman construction worker, he met his affair partner at work and out of town.
I shared and accused him - he told me to get a grip as I am losing it.. this helps and I will share it with him. Thanks so much
🥺😥😭😭😭😭 I feel lost and alone at times.
it's very normal my friend. i'm so sorry you feel that way. have you looked at any of our online groups? they can certainly help you feel not so alone or hopeless or broken. you can find them here: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
Me too
Thank you god bless everyone at Affair Recovery!🙏
thank you so much
I am reminded every day everything I see things hear things or something just pops into my mind and I am flooded with pain that turns to hate. I feel like I am crazy as a loon because I feel hate towards the person who I love most. My wife hates me more everytime I try to go to her for help. I feel like asking for help is just giving her fuel to justify another affair or two. I hate me, I hate her. I hate life. All I hear from her is move on and get over it and be happy.
I’m sorry hun anyone that cheated and then just tells you to move on doesn’t really care.
If I ever put a person through the pain my husband put me through no matter if I thought they would stay or leave me anyway I would do any and everything to help heal them from it because I would not want to be the person that inflicted so much pain and well fuck$d someone up mentally that way just for my own pleasure…
Why does she always want to just sweep it under the table? It’s been 80 days and she thinks I should just stop talking about it. She just wants to sweep it under the rug like she’s always done. That’s how we got into this mess that she said she couldn’t share her feelings her wants in her needs and now she’s going back to the old behavior of just sweeping under the rug
Same man, me and my girl had 3 years got blacked out drunk and “doesn’t remember anything” then any time I ask please tell me if you remember anything she attacks. She finally told me that it happened after a week that she did… then she rolls over and goes to sleep I’m showing her these trying to fix things but she doesn’t seem interested
@trashman9395 It's time to pull her rug out from under her, then. Move out or make her move out until she goes through intense specialized therapy to get to the bottom of her behavior. No $$$. Make no promises, keep her hanging in suspense with no security just like she's done to you. You have to shake up her world to wake her up out of her selfish, dysfunctional stupor. If she refuses, you've saved yourself wasted time and more suffering. Seek out help for yourself individually in the meantime specializing in affair recovery. You are worth it and deserve better!
I broke up with my partner a month ago and a week later I had a one night stand with a stranger at a party. The next day I woke up in complete shame, guilt and embarrassment because I still love my partner and hadn't clearly thought about the break up correctly. A week later I met up with my old partner to discuss how we've been. We've both been in hell and can't live without each other. Things were going great but I knew That I had done wrong and informed her of the one night stand. It broke her heart and we are currently working though this together and I can only hope that I can repair the damage I've done and make things right. I know there will be imagines in her head off the one night stand that will make it hard for us to be imtimate and truely have a beauiful relationship. Thank you for this video.
There are two schools of thought - honesty about your one night stand,
and what did you accomplish by telling her.
I wish my husband had never ever told me about his crush - still attempting
to move forward from his "confession".
This has been the one thing I can't get over I hate it 😭😭😭
what are you doing to get over it my friend? what work are you doing and what resources have you been able to use?
We been through that. We have many days doing great and suddenly he is so mad as the first day he knew. I don’t know what to say. I try not to be defensive or get mad. It helps but still it is very painful. Thank you for your advice and all the videos. Always hoping to help to relieve some pain for both of us.
ditto that sentiment exactly.
A perspective I adapted after 24 years of marriage was my wife dated, had relationships and was intimate before we married with several men. I know it would be more difficult to accept infidelity if this was a person's first love; the breach of trust would be magnified severely. This perspective does not completely eliminate triggers, but it helps in the acceptance that this is a part of 'our story' now. So I slightly lowered some rather false expectations that society sometimes hoists on our thinking about a 'fairy tale' marriage. Relationships are difficult despite infidelity.
Similar to back in 2001 when our first daughter was diagnosed with leukemia, I had a hard time accepting that was 'my story' and I severely shook my fist at God for three days before I broke down and came to my senses. My first reaction in the boardroom at the hospital, if you can believe, was to want to escape and leave my family saying, 'this is not my story'. But it was the story, and still is the story; and we can either accept it and deal with the problem head on, or deny the problem and think that leaving will somehow ease the pain.
As Christians, we can expect we will go through trials and tribulations. These trials and tribulations are never from God; they are a product of the fallen world we presently live in.
Going through Affair recovery's bootcamp during quarantine is helping provide structure and professional navigation through this.
Thank you Samuel for the word “diffuses” in describing flooding/triggers. Plan in place....and then putting it out there that it won’t be perfect. Gosh, can all unfaithful HEAR this, even more so in the quarantine world!? You are spot on!!!!!
thank you my friend. so glad it resonated with you.
Amazing teachings but from personal experience due to other mental illness it’s so easy to fall back into that hole of anguish l
After 4 months post discovery my spouse had a 1 year affair. Samuel is right... I'm constantly triggered and it is diffused by techniques my therapist is teaching me (sometimes I fail, but I'm fighting my triggers for myself... not for my spouse). We are both seeing therapists (thanks to Samuel's recommendations) and reading books which is a must. Now we are on our own self discovery and healing journeys. I hope it works in the long run, but we will try. This hurt will not prevent me from living and, for me, it's worth staying and watching my spouse heal.
We’re really being spoiled today
Thank you!!!!!!
ha. well i'm glad you feel that way. thank you for watching and commenting.
This is one of my favorite topics you have covered. I just flooded all day yesterday. I gave finally realized a significant trigger for me has been ministry leadership that has mishandled me when they encounter me flooding or seeing the insanity of trauma. I've been treated horribly all over again.
@memphis3640 This is why going to a specialized therapist for trauma and affair recovery is so important. Most people in ministry just can't handle it nor do they have the training or capacity for it most of the time. Don't waste your time with them. It's time to show up for yourself and get yourself the help you need in a timely manner or you will suffer more for it.
You are a game changer and this is game changer advice. Intimacy here is not an option yet. She doesn't want me to touch her. How do we move past this point. Touching is a major major trigger...
D-Day for us was 5 weeks ago. My wife doesn’t understand how triggers work and gets upset with me when they do. She doesn’t understand how deep the knife cuts. She is remorseful and has apologized many times over, but just doesn’t understand how triggers can work.
I keep questioning how she could do what she did. Especially after telling me she loves me and would never hurt me.
It's been exactly 1 year today and I'm still asking myself that same question.
WOW. This was exactly what I needed right now. Thank You and thank you for sharing what you and Samantha went through and how you dealt with it ❤️
you're kind. happy to help in any way. thank you for watching and commenting.
After reading all these comments- I feel it’s necessary for when to know to call it a day - why continuously put oneself through emotional trauma unless of course there is a high financial cost to divorce- I believe the unfaithful need to man or woman up & exit the relationship as it sounds to me that the betrayed never ever really get over it - no ways can both of you have a proper fulfilling marriage after the affair
Samuel thank you for continuing to do these vlogs and thank Samantha for allowing you to share about her as well.
it's an honor.
Sam. It's 2:30 in the morning an youve given me an actual ok, we can do this. Thanks brother
Thank you so much for this! We both thank you as we work through healing our marriage and ourselves.
Here in Austin with you Samuel and I really appreciate this message!
yay that's awesome. thank you so much for the kind words.
I wish this could happen in real life! Most of the time, I end up having to deal with his guilt and shame. And I get pushed out of the conversation.
Hey bro, thank you...eye opening...1 month from d-day, last few days has been trigger happy and im trying to implement this, the feeling of being hepless to the pain for her has been making me push more to try and fix it, only making it worse.
i just wish she would of left me. Instead of stil doing it. its all done online but it doesnt matter. When they shut you out of their life completely, and do things theyve never done with you, it hurts bad man. Im here because i cant leave my daughters theyre so young. But I have to,, she thinks there is nothing wrong with it. And im losing myself. My confidence,, i cant get jt out of my head, i havent slept more than 2 hours since May 30th. I just want my life back. Im so,, i csnt even laugh and be light hearted I hate this. And I want to work it out so bad with her but she woukd rather live a fantasy double life than be with the family she has I know i have blame in this. Imnworking on my issues She says she wants to work it out but wont touch me, wont let me touch her. She doesnt want shit to do with our babies. Its taking more and more of me every day. And she does not care.
How do you as a betrayed spouse get through the feelings of unworthiness, and that lack of physical and emotional interest from the betrayed spouse who claims they are attracted to you, but her actions seem contrary. I get a sense of fakeness from her, but can you trust your instinct at this time? In my situation, my wife lied to me after I suspected an affair, confronted her, asked her to guard her heart, and what was wrong, and then 6months later she ended up being committed after having panic attacks when I suspect she ended the relationship due to her faith conflict. She claimed was just an emotional affair, but it just doesn't make sense having such intense feelings that ended up in panic attacks. I swear not knowing the entire truth seems worse than if I knew there was infidelity.
I wish I could tell you because I've been trying to figure those things out for a long time and I don't think I'm any closer to the answers than I was 10 years ago. Some things don't age well unfortunately. I bid you peace.
I'm real late here, but our stories are very similar. As for your self worth, it does NOT come from other people any more than your actual happiness does. No doubt, people you bring into your "inner circle" can also cause you the most hurt, and can add to your worth, they do NOT get to determine your worth. Saying this, I can tell you that has been a big part of my healing process in this whole fiasco. Second, the, what I call the "Oprah game" regarding espousing "emotional affairs" (As I know this was covered on her show numerous times, despite me never watching an entire episode and the audience being mostly female, this did nothing but provide another line of B.S. to throw at men as an excuse) is IMO far more damaging than a physical affair, fling etc. In a sense though, you will come to a point of pity for her regarding this, because the web of lies she has spun regarding the whole situation has, apparently, made her "pop her cork" which is why being forthright (while potentially causing short term pain for all involved) is far better than having your psyche devoured by yourself. From my part, I do not hate my wife even to this day, but I do despise her in some senses for her own lack of being forthright and that has caused continuing tension in our relationship, despite the fact that I forgive her for the actual affair. I hope you are both doing well, even if not together any longer. Oscar Wilde once said, "We are each our own devil and make this world our own hell" but I would add, we have the power to break that cycle at any time.
Always great to hear from you Samuel! Keep doing God's work kind sir. Hope you are all happy and safe during this crazy virus
Thanks for this. I hope my other half watches and takes it on board. Sometimes I feel sad and cannot put my finger on why other than I am stressed/feeling traumatized that he is thinking of AP. If he would only just hold me at those moments rather than tell me off for being upset it would be so much more comforting. Great advice Samuel x
you as well sir.
My Biggest Trigger About Her Affair..... DIED 2 years ago. He Died Alone In His Apartment And Was Not Found For 3 Days,Setting In His Own Filth...... This Proved To Her That I Was Right About Him,He Was Nothing Like He Presented Himself To Her.....She Said After Me Telling Her The News Almost Immediately “ I’m Glad He Died Like That, He Deserved It” I Truly Believed Her, Went A Long Way To Help My Concerns. Yes I Plastered It Over Facebook To Anyone Who Knew About Our Problem. One Of The Greatest News I Ever Received In My Life..
🎊🍾
This is great advice, l'm going through the triggers as the betrayed and l know my wife is as the affair partner.
Ok I’m praying you answer. How about when you been trying to heal for years and have dealt with triggers for years but no actual acting out . Then suddenly he acts out. Out of the blue immediately regretting his behaviour and doing everything he can to save us. What .. am I supposed to start over with the trusting and trying and effort ? Been together 22 yrs and 4 beautiful children . I still love him but this time I feel lost.
I’m not in the 🇺🇸 and I really just wanted your opinion please !
Ty 2 all that keep bringing great content to this channel🌱💕
thank you my friend.
Thank you for this information! How do I respond when he says "I will always regret not trying things with her """ ??????
That's a cold and disrespectful thing to say and shows he's not wanting to be with you. after saying that to you, you should wait til he's away and move out. wishing you the best.
This is one of the top three questions I get! Great info
Your videos have been a lifeline for me too!!!
Thank you for your videos it has truly helped me in so meany ways ,. God bless you and your family
I’m dreading April 30th, my D-day (DOOMSday) 2 years ago! Dreading it!!! 🤬
And now I’m stuck in house! Last year...I left & cried at beach. Everything is closed now in California.
D day is my birthday. Ughhh.
So what do we do if triggers are every day. Spouse refuses to take any part Of the time out rule in any sense. Up till 3 am on work nights to argue. Calls fevers day when I’m working and continues flooding. The only “help” she will get is watching these videos. Lashing out at me when I mention boundaries or when she sees I watched a video on them. Meanwhile I’m in therapy. I have a psychiatrist. And she’s told me she resented me because I got help.
Triggers are causing me to have mental paralysis, I can’t get up and do the things. That I need to do, , , I need some ideas. To get past ,to work through this paralysis,
I wish we had this a couple months ago because we did all the wrong things. But from recent experience, this is all so true. Question: you mentioned you were angry at Samantha. Did you ever want to divorce her or leave her again? Did you ever mention divorce during recovery? What would be an effective response from the betrayed to that anger, frustration, and mention of divorce from the unfaithful spouse? I haven't found this talked about yet
i never did mention that to be honest. i didn't want to and didn't want to do anything to divorce. if they are saying that, it's of course unacceptable and not healthy. what help are you getting and utilizing? it's vital you have a safe, expert third party that can help him see how wrong and unhelpful that is. an effective response would be to them if they truly want that? if they do, then perhaps it's time for space and distance. if they don't want that, then it needs to be taken off the table. sometimes they will not listen to you though and need an expert that's objective to say it and convey the seriousness of it.
@@samshealingpodcast We started the 7 Day Bootcamp. Got through only 3 days of it and had to stop. He says it's too difficult for him. He dreads working on it. He is tired of the bashing and having his legs chopped off, as he calls it. He tried but didn't realize how hard reconciling would be. We've been back together 5 months and he resents we haven't worked on our communication issues enough, me not listening, as his stated cause of our problems and then him cheating. (I know it's more than that deep down, but those are his stated reasons) No matter how much I explain I was not able to work on deeper issues until I got over the infidelity, which I have done at lightening speed, it is not acceptable to him. He does acknowledge my work on myself, I don't bring it up, less reaction to triggers, hardly any flooding, and he apologizes for not being there for me better during my work. But he just doesn't have it in him to continue the infidelity recovery work. He says he deserves to be happy, and be able to take a deep breath (which he said he was able to do with affair partner). He is stressed, now physically ill (ulcerative colitis flare up due to stress of work and our marriage). So I'm not sure what to do. We agreed to see another counselor and he is giving it another shot. The last one only made things worse to where we are now. So I sought out a Gottman trained counselor. Probably our one last shot. Which is scary when you don't know if they are any good or not. Roll of the dice. All my faith into an unknown person.
@@musclechic2001 have you considered our ems virtual weekend? no offense to the gottman counselor, but it's vital to try and see people who have been through infidelity. would he do the weekend with you? you can find it here:
www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
@@samshealingpodcast I would love to do the weekend and even pay for it myself! That's his preference is a weekend instead of hourly sessions once a week, which the counselor offers a weekend intensive. But he is done with being shamed with the label of "the unfaithful". He gets tense and sick to his stomach. We got stuck on Day 3 of bootcamp when it came to the timeline. He couldn't say where we are on it, he wasn't sure he even wanted the marriage anymore. He really feels the shame. He has recanted the negative things he said about his affair partner, so I knew something was up. He is considering the fantasy again. But I am not taking it personal. I thanked him for trying to do the course with me. And we will try this other option of a counselor. If I could convince him to go to Austin I would. But I won't push. I am happy he is agreeing to give it another shot with a different counselor. I pray to God for my husband's healing and in turn He will heal our marriage.
@@samshealingpodcast well it might be a wash. Got into a circular argument a week ago, my fears kicked up a bit, so I asked for reassurance on something we were working on, he yelled at me saying call my lawyer but he will give it another shot then screamed "call your lawyer" when I tried to explain my fear based on an incident during the infidelity, that he claimed didn't happen. So I haven't brought anything up about repair or counseling. He is nice to me again. But no affection other than maybe one hug a day. I'm afraid to try to get closer as the emotional connection isn't there. No empathy. I can't handle the blame anymore. I think we're done. Can't talk to him about anything. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I don't know what else to do. I tried
Im lost. Its been 2 yrs and 4 months since the multiple D days. We have tried very hard to move past all this, but I'm not healing. I feel like I'm falling away. Is there a video that talks about intimacy and triggers involved with that? I desire her so much but when we are intamate right after I hate myself and I always feel like I'm nothing compared to her affair partners. She says im better but that simply does not make sense since all of her affairs were very sexual. Im feeling like I am sabotaging the marriage because I cant be confident with sex anymore. I need help please
this course will help you immensely: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope here's an article on reminders as well: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-protocol-for-reminders www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/reminders i would also search out someone who does emdr or ett in your area as that will help with the reminders and triggers as well. they are expert forms of treatment for ptsd-like struggles and something called betrayal trauma
What if nothing diffuses the triggers?
you may have ptsd and need to address it with emdr, or ett and/or meds that are prescribed by a professional.
Yoga helps me and I did emdr therapy, I still get triggered. Yoga helps my nerves
This was great content, as usual, but I have a question...how do you know when the unfaithful spouse has changed direction in their thinking? Lately he's been open to reflective conversation concerning our marriage but still remains with the AP. Is this a sign of change?
i don't know that it is a sign of change. simply being willing to talk or be reflective yet he's still with the ap is concerning for sure. if he moves toward you and wants to talk or be with you, that's more of a significant change indeed. as long as he's with the ap though, he's unsafe and you can't really believe much of what he says at all unfortunately. i'm so sorry, i know it's awful to feel that.
@@samshealingpodcast No not awful just confirms what I was thinking anyway. Unfortunately, I think my spouse is a professional boyfriend and he's finally with someone who compliments the lifestyle he chooses to lives (no responsibilities or accountability). After 2 yrs of sneaking behind my back and 7 months of living with the AP I've decided this marriage is a wrap! I have learned so much though your Channel and hope to share these pod cast with my future spouse. God bless and keep helping others!
Samuel, I wish my betrayer/spouse could be as caring as you. I have suffered from the affairs for 15 out our 34 year marriage. I have always forgiven and then he would go for a few years and be true, I am now stinging from this last one, and though he is back home, I don't think he is putting his all into us. This time he stated the "I love you but I am not in love with you" which is used buy every unfaithful. He has times and tells me that he loves me and shows it. Then the next day or so, he's cold. I can’t get him to listen to any of the help videos or agree to go for help. I did print some things from affair help videos and got him to read them. He doesn't make any comments on any of them. Thanks for your help.
How do you cope when the reminder is a child from the affair? What if that child is brought permanently into your home without the betrayed having any say in the matter? How does one reconcile with such disregard and disrespect?
that's awful and i'm terribly sorry. it's going to require a process by both of you to adapt to this. it's possible to heal, even when there is a child as we've seen it done many times, but not without expert help. i'm afraid the only way I know that you can do this is our ems weekend with proven experts with decades of experience. you can find that here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Thank you
Thank you for everything!
been less than a month since I knew my husband who is staying in another country - has been having an affair for more than years, he only admitted it when I found his messages when I went for a holiday. the triggers are devastating - even though he tries to call and speak to me. and now we are still in 2 different countries due to work - what do I do? will this relationship work out?
and he doesn't want to take external help. Not sure if he really wants to come back too
Question: how can one defuse without convincing?
Example:
Person 'A' experiences a trigger, then he attaches 'reasons' to justify an incorrect action (bad habit)
Solution 1: he can defuse/detach (in order to remove the meaning of the reason). -> here he convinces himself that there is no meaning
Solution 2: he can defuse/detach (in order to remove the meaning of the reason). -> here he doesn't convince himself but is this possible?
Powerful 🤜🏽🤛🏽
This is too hard
Actually it's debilitating! Worst pain ever.
I don’t understand why I get overwhelmed with guilt when I flood over my husbands emotional affair … I see I’m hurting him but bringing it up and I feel guilty and that just makes me so confused …
Are you like me? I don't feel guilty then, but I do feel ashamed when I feel like I'm being "annoying" or asking too much. I think it's because I've been taught from an early age that I'm not worth anything, I'm not worthy of being loved, I can't "impose" myself, I can't be a "burden" and I've been ridiculed for speaking out against unfair treatment. All I've ever learned is that I don't matter, that people I love can withdraw their love from me at any time, and that I'd better keep quiet and humble in the background or else I'll be rejected, hurt, and abandoned even more. My birth mother did it, my adoptive parents did it, other important people in my life did, too, and even my own daughter. That's why I closed my eyes to what my husband was doing for years, frozen in fear, and learning now that I have the RIGHT to present my feelings and problems to him openly and naturally was not easy and only possible because he is now - finally - emotionally with me and supports me.
My wife of 27yrs lives out if town during the week. She just told me on my birthday that she has had 4 one night stands and 4 dates with 8 different guys. What a birthday present. I ruminate constantly and don't know what to do. We have had some of the most intimate moments since the affairs , which were just 2 months ago. 4 guys he slept with in 6 days. I want to figure out what I need to do. Does anyone have any idea about this? I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm still a wreck. If you don't have any way of helping. At least pray for guidance and wisdom.
You mean my cheating wife isn’t supposed to roll her eyes at me and tell me to just stop?
This all sounds good, but I have to wonder if you would feel the same if you were the betrayed and your wife the unfaithful? I know some people think it's sexist or double standard, but it just hits different when your wife cheats!!!!!
How do we deal with the progress now that me and my husband can’t be together physically? I know I have to stick to the things that I need to so far , but as far as that I have found myself lost again .
hi there. help me with why you all can't be together physically now? i'm not really following that so that will help me answer and if you can give me just a tad bit more background i'll see what suggestions i can make.
Yes but he don't want to hear it. :/
Any suggestions on how to deal with this if you’re separated? (So your partner isn’t around to help you through it)
yes, harboring hope is the best suggestion i could make for you. you can find it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
What do you all think about empowering yourself and not playing the victim. Does anyone feel like they could have treated the unfaithful better and avoided being cheated on? One of my therapist said that I'm playing the victim by asking my unfaithful wife to help me heal...
Get a new therapist
I have told her, she does the exact opposite every time.