Retroactive Jealousy: A blessing in disguise?!? (How to turn it around & use it to your advantage)
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- Опубликовано: 31 дек 2020
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Hi there, we are Eva & Sean Harrison.
A married couple that has overcome retroactive jealousy, ROCD and general relationship anxiety. The first few years together we really struggled with these issues and today we work together to help individuals and couples who feel overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated and stuck due to intrusive thoughts and mental movies regarding their partner’s past and/or doubts about their relationship today.
Whether you suffer from Retroactive Jealousy, ROCD, Relationship Anxiety or just want some invaluable relationship advice we hope our content helps you.
If you’re an individual or couple suffering with anxiety, confusion, anger, disgust, judgement, intrusive thoughts, trust issues, numbness, uncertainty in your relationship and are trying to keep it together on the outside but are suffering daily on the inside or if you’ve Googled or looked up “Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy”, “Overcoming ROCD”, “Relationship Anxiety symptoms”, “ROCD / Retroactive Jealousy why do the thoughts feel so real?”, “How to stop wishing your partner's past was different”, “How to treat ROCD”, “Intrusive thoughts and compulsions in relationships”, “Feeling doubt/questioning my relationship”, “Cure for Retroactive Jealousy?”, “How to overcome Retroactive Jealousy”, “ROCD / Relationship Anxiety or wrong relationship?”, “Relationship OCD urge to break up”, “ Retroactive Jealousy symptoms”, “ROCD symptoms” you’ve come to the right place.
The people we have worked with have experienced and processed how and why these things showed up in their relationships. As well as how it lead to them having intrusive thoughts, feeling angry, sad, anxious and like they are self sabotaging their relationship.
DISCLAIMER: Any information or advice we give is purely based on our own experience, learning and research as well as the methods utilised in Rapid Transformational Therapy, NLP and Hypnotherapy. These methods can be used to get to the root cause of any issue but are not for everyone. There is no guarantee as there are many variables that will impact your success. We are not doctors and always encourage you to work with your doctor for your medical care. If you are in a life threatening situation or contemplating suicide, please seek appropriate medical and professional help.
Are you ready to overcome this? Book your one on one discovery call here: calendly.com/overcomingrelationshipanxiety/45min
Honestly, I've had low self esteem most of my life, and my experiences with my family, bad friends and bad partners didn't help. Now that I'm in a good relationship I feel like I don't deserve it. Which is bullshit because I'm awesome and a fantastic partner! Trying to tell myself, I am special, I do deserve this love, and this life and shouldn't compare myself to others. My partner is with me, not them, they screwed it up, but I won't!
👏👏👏
l feel exactly the same.
I think deep down there's a voice that doesn't want me to heal from RJ cuz it's been like a safety net preventing me from getting into other relationships
I am enough! I deserve my partner's love regardless of his past.
Exactly ❣️
❤
Sometimes I come back to this because it comforts me
The comparisons with others, society etc really hit home. I was actually thinking along those lines lately, that it’s not just RJ but ‘more’ about ‘me’ than anybody else. This was helpful, thanks
I’ve been suffering from rj for about 3 months now and this video helped me so much. I know it’s going to be a journey, but I’m determined on overcoming rj
This was more helpful than 9 months of therapy. I truly want to thank you.
So happy to hear it helped! 😊
This was beyond helpful. The way you were saying things made it feel like someone was talking to me rather than a lecture like most other youtube videos out there. The thing is, ive gotten over it RJ before. But then, it came back in intermittent waves. But what actually happened is i was using my ego as a cover up for the actual problem. What you made me realize (as you said in the video) is that i need to be looking at it not as something happened to me, but something for me to help me grow. The past is the past is the past and it cant ever come up again, so take it as a learning experience for something about you.
I'm glad it helped you! Exactly. The past is the past and it really can help you learn alot about yourself if you allow it to!
I just subscribed to you. I am so relieved that I am crying
I cried like a baby with the feeling special part. You totally described how I feel. Thank you!
So happy it helped:)
I've been suffering RJ and watching your video made me realize that's probably some insecurities or low selfsteem in certain areas of my life. It's the first time this happens to me, it's the first time I feel I have lowselfsteem, but it has helped me a lot. I will have to keep on working on building my own selfsteem and get to know myself better and be aware of who I am and just the way I am means I'm good enough.
I love this. Thank you 🙏🏻
I always felt this way, for years and years and j struggled so hard, I thought there was something wrong with me for thinking this way since everyone i know when i talk to them about it just says "it doesnt matter it's nothing" i have broken off love relationships because of it, and I'm just tired of feeling this way, i found someone who doesn't even have a past, and it still pushes buttons in me and i feel like im just an absolute loser for thinking this way, im glad i found out about this, and what it is, and i want to continue to grow, and learn to cope with it i hope anyone reading this heals from this because it truly sucks feeling this way.
Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment! I wish you all the best with your recovery:)
It all gets fixed by communicating about the anxiety and WHY you feel that way about your partner. It's your intuition telling you something is wrong.
hi, so my partner has talked about his past partners a lot. always put them on a pedestal and talked about their intimate encounters (i didn’t ask) such as songs they slept together to, how long they’d go with each other, how he liked certain women and their assets...all when i didn’t ask. i often find myself VERY disgusted with him. the retroactive jealousy is so strong. i don’t know what to do ): i moved to the town where he’s slept and been with all these people. so the triggers are always there. i hate it!
I can see why you are having issues right now :( i'm so sorry you are feeling so upset. I've been in a place where you are now so please know that i understand your struggle. I find it extremely rude and disrespectful that your partner spoke to you in that way, even when you never asked. I think bringing up past relationship details in front of your partner is just another way of showing disrespect.
I know how you feel. I'm so sorry. Even when my guy mentions a city or state, sometimes it makes me ill. As it turns out, he only told me because he thought that I wanted to know. He thought that I hinted about wanting to know "how great a lover he was". I never would have asked. It's personal between him and his past partners. I told him that I don't believe in kissing and telling. The thing is that I KNOW he doesn't care about them. I too, struggle to gain self esteem in this relationship.
@@dionneyagla5731 at least you know he doesn’t care about them! i feel like that makes a world of difference and i hope you’re able to overcome these horrid feelings.
my husband wanted to name our child after his ex girlfriend…still does. i don’t know how to get out of this cycle.
I absolutely feel this, my partner did this too, mind that we were best friends for three years before getting together. I eventually just told them what was going on in my head and asked them to stop talking about that stuff unless it pertained to us in some way or trauma. It has helped a lot, and keeping myself from asking more questions is hard but it helps too. Hang in there!
I am going through the same. Gosh you just made me cry. I hope you are alright! I did talk about that pattern to my partner and he stopped at least. This is a sign of disrespect but you can forgive because he probably does not realize this. I personally had to forgive myself as well for not standing out for myself and tell him his behavior was inappropriate and threatened my self esteem. Love from France. Take care
Thank you for this video. I have been crippled by this for the past year. I have been ruining a relationship with an amazing woman over this, and I am trying so hard to change.
Thank you for putting this out! ❤ I know that I have areas which I do really great and can be confident with them (mostly because I know the society approves) , but like you said, RJ has forced me to see where I still don't feel so great as I thought, because I've been basing it off societal standards instead of owning the "I am good enough" by myself. You made a good point there and I'll now work with this! Thank you
How is it a disorder when a partner SAYS they desired someone else more in the past? That is critical to a relationship. Being “the best” perhaps shouldn’t matter to your individual self esteem, but it matters in a relationship.
I can 100% see how if your partner says they desired someone else more it makes you feel undesirable. With RJ though that is often not the case. People get intrusive thoughts even though their partner keeps reassuring them that they are special and they are 'the best'
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety Add drugs to the mix and now you have a very objective difference in pleasure.
You're absolutely right. Not only that, but even if they try to reassure you they could be lying, and you feeling something isn't right is a sure sign that something isn't actually right. You're also spot on that these kinds of thoughts bringing up this kind of conversation does matter in a relationship.... A LOT (especially if you actually want it to succeed).
I had such a difficult time the last couple of weeks because of this, but i finally managed to shift my mindset and i think this is a good start
I can only partially agree. Of course it has to do with your own self-esteem, but also your partner's past just can be too much for you. If your core values and morals in regards to sex and relationships, namelly with who, how often, out of which motivation, the practices etc. are too different, you don't have to cope with it. It's a sign of self-respect to not throw all your beliefs and morals overboard just for one person.
If one partner thinks that sex is something special you only share with special persons (not talking about virginity but being sexually reserved) while the other doesn't care and lived very promiscuous, you don't have to deal with it, "learn to like it" or change your beliefs or morals for that person. You can, but don't have to. You can also turn around and just walk away to find a person with same beliefs, and that's also totally fine, and it doesn't make you a bad or judgy person. You just know what you want and what you don't want.
Yes, I agree:)
Very helpful past is the past and just have to understand that it doesn’t matter at all and we are all special in our own way . The only thing I would add is try your best to don’t ask questions hopefully everyone who suffers from this will overcome it thank you for the video ))
Nah, the past is not the past. The past will affect your present and future, especially if it involves another person. Their past ex could pose a problem for your current relationship (especially if they're still frequently in the picture). And any past relationships they had that could have resulted in health issues could also pose health issues for you. The BEST thing you can do is ask questions and get informed, not only to better understand their past baggage and potential hang-ups but also to protect yourself. Do not be naive and ignore your intuition -- if it's sending off warning bells, you need to listen.
I was SAd from age 5 to age 17 on a regular basis from a step parent. The Cptsd has created serious anxiety surrounding sex & has completely tarnished my self worth. Sometimes I don’t even know what is reality or what is just inside my head. The RJ has gotten so bad for me with my partner that I have convinced myself he thinks about his last partners & compares me to them. We’ve talked about it before & I know he doesn’t but the thoughts are so consistent that I literally will convince myself of all these other things. It’s so exhausting.
@10:16 people have retroactive jealousy because even though it shouldn't matter, it does, just because you are one way doesn't mean someone else can't misjudge the worth of that and still reject our chat on or leave our otherwise negatively effect you. Bad things happen to good people all the time, if we always got what we deserved, retroactive jealousy might not be a thing, but just because you might not deserve a judgment doesn't mean someone can't misjudge you and cause you to fall into feelings of inadequacy and depression, that's what people are worried about, being misjudged and still having to deal with the consequences of it even though they didn't deserve it.
My current partner is 100% my mirror. Recent experiences with my partner caused me to look inward and understand that when I was young, it wasn't that I was cheated on, but maybe I was too young and naive to communicate my needs, and maybe my partner was too, and the miscommunication that arose, despite who it came from, resulted in what happened. I am no longer the victim saying "I was cheated on, so I am this way", but "I was not communicating my needs effectively, and I will change this from now on."
That’s amazing thank you for sharing!!
I can understand my feelings better now ,thank you!
Thank you so much for this.. im so glad i found this it perfectly describes what i have been dealing with, you have really opened my eyes and now i feel i can move on with my relationship and let go of the hold i have on him and his past. Thank you so much 💕💕
I’ve had friends just tell me I’m dead wrong for having what I now know as “retroactive jealousy”. Meanwhile they wish to have open relationships with/ cheat on their boyfriends just go get more experience 😂
I haven’t seen RJ videos about anxiety of the future and the present. Like being very anxious that their future partner will have some value that they might not agree with and not knowing what to do or how to find that out (without asking obsessive questions.)
Do you mean fear of conflicting values and beliefs in the present?
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety yes!! Even if I know their values, it still scares me!
This video was so helpful for me. It was so kind, yet honest, and I agree that it can be a way to take responsibility and use it to gain more self-confidence for myself.
This has been really helpful. The way you word stuff really hits home, I think I’ve got a long way to go get but I’m positive I’ll be able to overcome it 😊 thank you!
Glad it helped! Wishing you all the best:)
Thank you so much for this amazing revelation. I never thought there was an answer to this condition.
7:50 mark. Thank you
Thank you this is an impowering message
Thank you for commenting! I'm glad you found it helpful:)
I love this video with all my heart, you are right, we are all unique and different, that's what makes us special and unreplacable. I had lost sight of that for a long time, I got hurt in my relationship and let what my partner did affect my sense of self worth, as if his actions spoke for my person. I realized from another therapy video that if someone else hurts you....its not because something is wrong with me, but because something is going on in that person's internal self. Since I didn't do the hurting, I forgave myself for so much pain I caused myself by putting me down and making me feel less when comparing to my partners past. I also forgave my partner, for being the one to commit mistakes. I had to accept that i am no one to judge my partner, because I am not perfect and cannot expect anyone else to be perfect. Then I made the decision to give my partner another chance. And he has done so right by me ever since. I realized its because he was also going through something internally and the fact that the same person he hurt, forgave him and believed in his power to better himself and change, made him realize that he can do it. And now I'm living in a relationship with a person who has so much respect towards me because I did the hard mature thing instead of focusing on my pain and wanting vengeance. I helped my partner but now I'm the one dealing with something, I didn't know it had a name, until now. RJ is real. And I'm not a victim but simply someone who also has an issue to overcome. Its not any more different than other issues I've already overcome and you're right!
Hi❤ I hope you are doing well now !
M glad i find you. hope your words would make me feel better, and help me get rid of this. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. For 47 years my beautiful wife has endured my wrath just like you speak of. No more. How do I make amends ?
Start doing all the good things you should have done all those years ago. Go out together, for walks, holidays, go to live music events. Act like you're dating again, it won't be the exact same, but show her that you're making the effort to put things right, that you still love and cherish her. 👍
Thank you soo muuch you are very helpfuuul...This is hard enough to handle sometimes and I needed thiis 🙂
You hit it spot on thank you
Thank you for your comment! I am glad to hear the video resonates.
This is very true and helpful, thank you!
I’ve watched a few of your videos and I was wondering whether I need to watch them in a certain order?
I’ve struggled with RJ (in that extreme form) for 7 years. Only realized a few weeks ago that 98 percent of all discussions fights and tears throughout these 7 years of my relationship were because of RJ. I was recently triggered during the holiday and since then it feels as if it’s much worse than it was in the past - it consumes every second of my day and it fells like it is impossible to overcome it. I really want to work on it. For me it’s about the sexual past of my partner. I do think/feel that I am “better” than all of his gfs actually but I am still SO bothered by the simple fact that there were others. :(
Thanks for your helpful videos!❤
thank you for this video.
Thank you for making this video
thank you for making this..
Thank you so much❤
Glad you found it helpful!!
Definitely my fault. I should have never gotten married. Because now its not just about feeling like a 2nd or 3rd place sexual place holder, now its about assets and loss of assets... don't get married. It is a farce and a life sentence.
Nice one , Eva
How do you know that you “made it to the other side”? I’d love to hear your take on this. Thank you for your videos, they are very helpful.
I am glad you find them helpful! I have made a video on this: ruclips.net/video/MBcz-NNhsIs/видео.html
I’m really struggling with this myself right now and it’s the first time I’ve ever really gone through it. I’ve had several other long-term relationships. I never really dealt with it until now. I’ve never considered myself a jealous person, but my situation is sort of unique and the person that I’m seeing right now is roommates with someone she used to hook up with years ago and they have this sort of weird close friendship that from the outside perspective has an old married, couple sort of energy to it and the whole thing just sits really weird with me. I don’t know if I’m being out of line by not being comfortable with that or if I just need to get over it can anybody please help me. It also doesn’t help that this roommate of hers is really unfriendly and inhospitable to me as well whenever I come over to see her.
I've made this video on what RJ is and what it isn't ruclips.net/video/aE-nfs3oI9c/видео.html
Seeing as you haven't experienced this before and in a way this person is still in the present (living with your partner) I wouldn't class it as just "your fault" this is not a classic RJ case.
Dude you're not being out of line. The largest percentage of infidelity cases involve an ex. Your intuition is trying to tell you that there is danger there and that you could end up getting hurt from this relationship.
Remmember what ever decision you take with this relationship own it and grow from it what you are experiencing is youre subconcious that is indicating and highlighting deep biological red flags
I try to tell my friends but no one understand they said just forget it blablabla and I know what to do but its hard now I am strugle to be my self again and overcome rj
Great video
Very helpful. Thank you so much
Thank you
My ex's wife is so obsessed with me. Gosh it's really annoying.
Thank you so much
thank you
How do I change my belief about virgnity in a subconscious level ? I know that its a social construct but here I am dreading that im not her first mentality. How do I fix this ?
Good question man, I hate being a hypocrite and even though my gf only has 5 bodies more than me (13 and im at 8) it bothers me a lot. Im normally able to ignore it but recently have been failing. Im an athletic build and above avg below the belt so i don’t understand why my subconscious feels insecure. It’s a curse dude, I wish you luck on your journey.
Hi! I love your content. I hope you could consider the idea to put subtitles in your videos . Thanks.
Thank you 🙏♥️
Bless you
My boyfriend used to like few girls who didn't like him back. So now when I'm in a relationship with him i get bothered with the fact that he's been rejected by those girls or he used to like other girls. And if its a right decision for me to date him or do I deserve better? Cause I'm someone who've been always approached by many men but never got rejected by any.. I haven't even approached any guy earlier in my life also..I want to be with him.. he's even planning to marry me..but something's wrong with me..I'm just not okay with the fact that he used to like some other girl or had a crush on..Idk I feel cheated and I feel like I should breakup with him..he keeps assuring me that he loves me a lot but I just can't stop overthinking about his past.
Someone please help how to get over this :)
ruclips.net/video/s0vSRKgvdl4/видео.htmlsi=MnhdJyjqVY5rNEY2
Im not sure if what I am experiencing is RJ. I am disgusted by my partners sexual past to a point where I cannot even be sexual with her. It probably stems from being sexually abused as a child by another older boy though, so I am not sure how to get past it. It is not about my self worth, I know that I am an amazing partner, in every way, also sexually. But the sexual history is disgusting because of the trauma. What could I do, and is this RJ or something else completely?
Eva great work.. I need to hookup with you for a consultation...
What about open relationships and sexual assault?
What if you think you are the best tho and why would she give herself to some old dude getting divorced by his wife. Why does he get to have the first?
'get to have the first ' can you please elaborate on what this means to you?
First to have the rare moment for her. Her first romance, and being to land in the moon. Women have an abundance of men to choose from and men cast a wide net in hopes of getting the best one. So it bothers me she gave her first to an older dude who was getting dump by his wife.
What does realising who you are really mean? 🙏
Good question. I guess what I mean is realising who you are without the trauma,fears, insecurities and protecting mechanisms that you may have accumulated throughout the years.
The you that doesn't judge or project, knows their worth, knows they are good enough no matter what and doesn't compare themselves or seek validation from the 'outside'.
We are all a work in progress but I really believe you can get to this point where RJ becomes irrelevant and you become indifferent towards the past.
Thank you
1st step: Find a girl with no past
This is a choice/preference not RJ. RJ is wanting to be with someone but their past bothering you. Wanting to find someone with no past is a choice and you are perfectly entitled to that.
@@overcomingrelationshipanxiety You made a great point that I wasn't aware of and I totally understand
It's different for men. It just is. It's biological. I want my partner to feel like I am special and the best she's ever had. This is disingenuous. The mote partners she has to compare the less chance I have of being special/the best.
I understand, but if it's only biological why doesn't every man have RJ?
If it’s different for men then why do women also suffer from it? That’s you making a ridiculous generalization.
Your just living below your standards and principles. Its not ocd
Thank you for sharing your opinion!
Its not an opinion its a fact. If my girlfriend had a one night stand and it took me three dates to have sex with her. Theres obvious reasons this would keeping coming to mind.
Its like you think you bought a wonderful full price shirt later you realise some holes and that the shirt has been severly used by someoneone else. The last user didnt even have to put effort in to obtaining a wear.
That would make me feel terrible too
Yes, except your partner is not a shirt. I really appreciate you sharing your perspective although this is not everyone's experience with RJ :)@@bradylederhose1181
wow u are so smart and intelligent great video, this rly helped!
Thank you for your comment, happy to hear it helped.
Comparison is the the death of joy
One golden rule for men for happy relationship. Have serious relationships only if she is a virgin or never had sex with any other man.
Very unrealistic. Stupid advice.
i just hope so so badly his rj gets better some day. i feel so disgusting, i just want to love him but he doesn’t want it. he told me it makes him uncomfortable
how does his rj make you feel in the relationship?
Stay strong
I am in the same situation, coping with my partner's rj. I know its a condition and I want to be with him but its draining me out and leading me to hate myself and fall into depression. He has a bad past, I had relationships where I was always devalued. So, when we met he shared all of his details and I thought we both went through the same pain and were compatible with each other. I dont know what happened all of a sudden, its like rather than understanding my pain that I suffered, he is trashing me with guilt. I cant help but feel sad about myself that none of my relationships valued my feelings, efforts and compromises.