Why dating advice is terrible: half right is all wrong
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- Опубликовано: 16 сен 2024
- The vast majority of dating advice isn't worth the paper it's printed on. This is because it tends to describe how we would like dating to be or how we believe dating should be. However, even the best only get it half right. The fact of the matter is that dating is subject to both economic and psychological forces, and emphasizing one without the other leaves people bewildered and hopeless. I discuss how this tends to play out in today's episode.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #dating #relationship
The vast majority of dating advice isn't worth the paper it's printed on. This is because it tends to describe how we would like dating to be or how we believe dating should be. However, even the best only get it half right. The fact of the matter is that dating is subject to both economic and psychological forces, and emphasizing one without the other leaves people bewildered and hopeless. I discuss how this tends to play out in today's episode.
Buy my book, "The Value of Others"
Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA
Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx
Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK
Book a paid consultation:
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #dating #relationship
Dr. Taraban, on a few occasions I meet women socially or at work and just have light, friendly conversation with them and without showing interest because at the moment I just enjoy life being single. Suddenly thou, without saying or doing anything wrong, they turn bitter even bitchy towards me. Why do you think that is?
Not just with dating, every advise should be taken with a grain of salt.
Even taking advise is a question of experience.
it depends who you ask. Some people know more about a specific topic
@@wolfgangkranek376agree, who would advise a person in life to be superficial" attractive" rather than develope character traits of " goodness", it is deadly advice to the soul. Discard it
Next book suggestion. "The virtue of others - Understanding when and how to be good, without giving your power away to achieve the best trade-offs"
This advice about attractiveness is similar to what I heard when training to be a flight attendant. They told us, the passenger doesn't care if you are a wonderful person who volunteers at the children's hospital, sings in your church choir, and helps out at a soup kitchen...they only know what they SEE and experience from you in real time. Meaning you better look good, smile and give good service. I think showing up for a date is similar, especially if it's an internet date--the other person only knows what they see and how you act...your back story about being a good person is just that, and won't ever be gotten to if you aren't attractive in the first place.
That’s why women can’t stand good men. These men all think they’re entitled to the women despite not being attractive in the first place. It’s so weak
or a bad person :) works both ways
So interesting, attractiveness = you better look good the same way a flight attendant looks good (not necessarily simply based on physicality)
@@Anjemivas that's so true bro, it's literally the same thing, I actually couldn't believe how much I resonated with this.
@@onlyforpdfs real shit
being attractive - " people will compete for the privilege of your company"
That's mostly an attractive woman. Attractive men still have to approach and put themselves out there, it just makes it easier.
@@twincitydezray attractive men will even sometimes beeing cut out of oportunities bye other men ... because they dont want you shine.. they dont want you have an advantage over them. and not just other men.. their are also woman who will shit on you because they see that you treat them normal and that you are not attracted towards them..
i am an handsome men and i know what i am talking.. happening on a daily basis to me.
@@soydansogukcesme470 exactly
@twincitydezray being attractive lasts only for so long...I mean is very superficial
Eh. I was a very attractive young man; I still turn some heads, but not like when I was in my 20s & 30s. However, I had zero game/charm. Being fit and handsome was useless to me.
Men and women receive the same exact dating advice:
-be hard to get
-don't show too much attention
-don't text often
-be aloof/distant
These, among other things, lead to the standoffs we are experiencing right now
Well, yes and no. The thing is, if you are not participating in those little games, you are out even faster. You didn't explicitly say it, but it _sounds_ like a false dichotomy. The options are not _"play stupid games and end up in a stalemate"_ vs. _"don't play and just find your happily ever after by being your authentic self"._ It's rather: _"better play those stupid games"_ or _"end up being sorted out at level 1"._
The one who is too eager, advances too soon and too fast is in the weaker position. Weaker in the sense to not being able to negotiate his/her desired terms that will apply in the relationship and (even worse) weaker in the sense of even being selected in the first place. Neediness is generally not attractive to anyone. Being aloof/distant simply communicates the absence of needines. (It did wonders for me, who was too available in the past and ironically as a result, was respected and catered to less.) The trick is to not overdo it. With some people, it can be a dance on the razors edge really. Strong attraction is the lube to overcome this hurdle, since it makes people more willing to take risks.
DL;DR: These behaviors are not the result of unhelpful dating advice - they emerge naturally as a consequence of negotiation dynamics. That's why flirting is always a dance, where everybody only commits a little bit and in turns instead of going all in immediately.
These tactics work
Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. Loving is hard. Being content with one person is hard.
Yet very little people want to admit that. They’d rather fool themselves into believing one person can make them happy, instead of being responsible for their own happiness.
When my husband doesn’t wash the dishes, I don’t throw my hands in the air and gaslight myself into thinking “how could I marry such a clueless idiot?!”
I think: “Oh, Hubby, I will never forget how your bachelor pad used to look. I’m glad to give your life a woman’s touch!”
I remind myself I knew EXACTY what I was signing up for. To think I could get that man to willingly clean anything except his French Press would be delusional and disingenuous of me.
Just my two cents 🤷🏻♀️
Comparison is the enemy of joy after all. A lot of life is perspective and framing, and I try to keep that in mind for my situation.
Said no woman ever.
Smart woman
well, you're a wise lady
What amazing 0.2cts you have!!👍
Definitely agree. Get in the gym, find a style that fits you, stay well groomed, and always smell good!
Yes indeed, and get good at something. I notice many young guys are wasting time playing video games or on forums instead of getting good at a marketable skill. It also helps your confidence which is another thing that makes you more attractive.
@@sole__doubt absolutely. I’d add to that, and say that having hobbies and something you’re passionate about, that involves engagement with others, is important also (car/truck clubs, outdoor clubs, martial arts, etc.) I feel that coincides with your point👍🏻
And don't let people fool you. Believe their actions not their words.
*Guys, as far as scents, just be clean with a hint of good quality cologne. Don't fog yourself down with cheap body spray. Your natural pheromones are important! I have experienced this in real life. With the right match, your pheromones are like catnip! : )
I worked out for years it never got me fucking laid
Current dating market = Chad spinning all the plates until hes bored. Then the woman looking for a good simp to settle with and provide. Then her resenting the good simp provider because she feels she settled and missed Chad.
Then you have lots of older women still never choosing to settle and remain in their hamster wheel of dating app conversations and casual sex with Chads that ultimately lead to nowhere.
Moral of the story…. Just be chad and stop dating. 😆
As a Chad, bingo! But honestly we also face the same risks legally that regular men do, and u gotta understand even when women do lock down a Chad they grow up resent him down the line because they’re never satisfied. Difference is we have enough options so the point where we don’t have to play the marriage game in order to get laid on a consistent basis.
Untill MEN accept that state of affairs - it is exactly how it will continue to be!!!
Precisely. 🥱🥱
I've discovered that trying to find happiness and fulfillment in someone else, before finding it first in yourself, leads to transactional relationships with horrible people, resulting in awful experiences.
But having all the happiness and fulfillment you can achieve can still find you wanting, if you also want to be in a relationship and you're not.
@@azmike3572 Very few make it to this point, so the dating pool for people with healthy self-esteem and who are actively pursuing their own dreams seems like it would be huge, but in actuality it's quite microscopic if they are only seeking someone on that same level of growth who's goals/values naturally complement their own. It's lonely at the top. Individuation is not for the weak of heart.
“Happiness is an inside job.”
8:40 Redd Foxx: "Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone."
Some parallels with online dating in that the way people present themselves in the profiles they write is HOW THEY'D LIKE TO SEE THEMSELVES and not HOW THEY REALLY ARE. Once you realize pretty much all of the profiles you read are ASPIRATIONAL, it clarifies things.
Priceless
Probably the 5 major types of value men have to offer women are: 1. physical looks/genetics, 2. financial, 3. compatible psychological/personality, 4. interesting lifestyle, and 5. status. If you lack in one of these departments you will have to compensate in other department, e.g. ugly rich guy, or short funny guy, etc.
I think you are a bit biased, based on your name alone. I’ve lived with a doctor/yoga instructor making $250K a year while making $20hr. I’m skinny, 5’9”, maybe slightly above average looks. What are you doing wrong? lol. You kinda sound like every red pill echo chamber of defeated guys that have never pulled enough ass to even know what will truly connects you with women. I have been with a fairly gross amount of women, and never once ever has money or status come up. All guys need to know is that love find the lovable.
All relationships have to answer to economics
@@aygwmyou should be careful with treating everything in life as economics. Have you ever seen people who study economics? They are all glue sniffer idiots you don't want to live like.
@@aygwm So true. Briffault's Law (1927) is real. Women mate and date for hypergamous gain. Where there is no benefit for her there is no relationship.
Interesting lifestyle - substitute for compatible lifestyle
Status can be added to finance
Nobody wants to be married to a good person, they want to be married to a hot person who happens to be good.
Hot people are good
@@TheAustrianPainter87not necessarily
Women* want to be
@@leedlbagginshield8492 Halo effect
Bingo
A glaring problem with dating advice is that it is almost always given by people who do not have, and don't know how to obtain, a meaningful permanent relationship.
The speaker here is 40ish and stilllllllll dating........which isn't inherently a problem..I don't have an issue with those that decide not to marry
But...of you see him over the course of many podcasts..clearly dogmatic..black and white thinker..autist...he says he's avoidant and saw that too...too much mental masturbating...get out and live... volunteer at an animal shelter and BE THE CHANGE...stop being the game addict...booze addict etc...and CUT YOUR PARTNER SOME SLACK..this guy here by all appearances has no SPIRIT..and NO GOD
I could never trust a dating coach who hasn't got a long term parter who vouches for them in public.
@@richardlabeja I could never trust a dating coach who didn't participate in the modern dating market (after dating sites became mainstream).
The advice of people who did not date in last 5-6 years is horribly outdated, because culture shifted.
Women will punish a man she feels she’s settled for. Testing for true burning desire is so absolutely necessary!
Shout out Fresh 😂
Since -love- goodness and -fear- attractiveness can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be -feared- attractive than -loved- good.
-Niccolò Machiavelli- Orion Taraban
BRILLIANT points that I have not heard ANYONE else talk about!! Learning SO much from you, thank you!!
I feel nothing but comtempt for those dating coaches on-line, doesn't take long to realize that they're copying from each other and other sources, churning out new ideas for videos all the time to try and get you to subscribe and give them your money, that's all they really care about. At least this channel is made by someone with qualifications.
Meh, they're selling what people are willing to buy. Business as usual.
@@immortaljanus True, and always suckers out there that fall for it.
Jeffy RSD is very good - 20 years + at it....field tested vs theorist.....
Very Bohemian spirited - lives in a van.
I wonder how Orion does in-field...
Excellent take ! I think therapists give crappy dating advice. Most men care about looks and submissiveness, most women about money and status. Easy peasy
We continue to engage in transactions we don't understand, using currency we don't recognize. Dissolve. Repeat.
Where were you Orion, when I wasted my youth believing that everything is psychological and getting rejected left and right? Thanks, great content! I really wish I could go back in time.
Got turned down, again, yesterday. I’m 34. Wish I had this and other advice when I was 22.
@@KennethSee sorry to hear that, you'll find the one! You've got some pointers from the video now too!
That’s because relationships are all going to be different in their own right. Everyone is trying to live up to societal ideal in regards to relationships, quickly to find out that it doesn’t work for many of them. That’s why the marriage game is largely failing right now, we keep forcing arrangements that no longer work, instead of creating our own relationship circumstances that caters to our preferences.
Dating advice is too politically correct and skewed towards maximizing women's benefit at the expense of men's needs and desires
The economic aspects, or being attractive will help you get things going, but the psychological part will be more useful to maintain the relationship in the long run.
Exactly!
I heard a METRIC TONNE of pure, hard FACTS in today's talk.
I have been out with many old overweight jobless broke single mother,s and they say to me it,s what's in my heart that matters I'm a good person . and they walk around like thery have done incredible achievement,s but done nothing at all .
Meanwhile these same single mothers come at you with a list like they're going to the grocery store a week before Thanksgiving, and the items on that list are much more specific than 'Being a good person'.
@@Doberman_6773lol, true!
So much advice and so much effort that we put into dating and mating yet the majority of us end up with the wrong person or in unhappy relationships. You would wonder why….
We choose partners based on SMV (because hormones are overpowering) and then the reality of her/her personality hits you too late after the fog is lifted and honeymoon is over.
Thats coz people are terrible. Its not just about finding the right person but being the right person. Two hours ago I watched a insta short of a woman who simply said - Dont be nasty to your husband if he is folding the towels but he is doing it "wrong" and there were women disagreeing in the comments lol.
@@alexforce9 oh I agree, women can be so crazy like this lol I had an epiphany of some sort and never used to criticize my husband when he would do stuff around the house, I just appreciated it. And you’re right, people do suck, sometimes life happens too and ruins a good thing.
Or nothing at all
Absolutley true! Attractiveness creates opportunity. The sooner you accept this and choose to increase your attractiveness, the more successful your dating life will be.
You can be the most attractive man in the world. If you want an emotionally mature relationship, it will take you years to find one.
@@vladivfbut youll have the opportunity to find it
i completely agree with your advice. unfortunately, few people are both physically and economically attractive. therefore, they believe personality, humor, vibing can make up for their shortfalls. instead, men should focus on increasing their income, growing their wealth and optimize their physical attractiveness. no, you'll not catch a Victoria Secrets model but you can be with the best you can.
Truuuuuuue! Although... I have to say i believe in Mark Manson advice in his book "Models", Instead of trying to be the perfect partner for anyone and everyone which is kinda needy, it's better to just look for "compatibility" and the self-improvement should be a given either way in ur life, And yeahh!! ppl don't talk much about this and "compatibility" has implicit the psychological and economical
Dang! You definitely nailed it 😅... advice is either grounded in either the economic aspect or the interpersonal aspect. You really did a good job shining light that it should be both. 👏
Crazy insightful! I would add that GETTING THE GIRL is the VALUE aspect (attractiveness) and KEEPING THE GIRL is the PERCEPTION aspect (emotional intelligence)
Married 46 years,never took dating advice.Nebraska
Me neither. Married 28yrs. Focused on the economic side early on. Lived together for 5 yrs before marrying. The psychological aspect comes later. Really feel communication skills can help overcome the later issues.
All dating advice is terrible because dating is inherently a terrible experience. Does anyone actually enjoy a job interview, no matter how fantastic the job is? The same can be said about dating. The only thing one can really do is grit their teeth and get through it somehow.
@@animamagna3077 This is rather pessimistic. I'd agree that like job interviews, dating can be intimidating and often fruitless. But it's also exciting in their promises on the other side. I actually have had interviews that were enjoyable where the two of us are on the same wave length... who knows, perhaps some dates would be too!
I do enjoy some interviews.
The pre-screening and HR rounds are usually very easy for me.
Technical rounds are a challenge.
But some are interesting and the colleagues can be positive and or smart.
I actually enjoy dating a lot, but I live more of a player lifestyle. The adventure of it is enjoyable to me
Its only terrible if you are not very attractive or go on dates with people you dont find very attractive. Do you think that Chad think dating is bad? Or that insta model? For them dating is open bar. lol
This is a terrible outlook. Job interviews are SUPPOSED to be stressful. Why should dating be the same way when the goal is fun with someone else?
This video seems to be comparing the Matthew Hussey vs Richard Cooper schools of dating.. I notice the psychological element is mainly aimed at female audiences (heal your trauma, learn to love yourself etc) and doesn’t feature much practical advice, which women would particularly benefit from, seeing as maximising beauty is their ace card. Then the economic side is aimed at men (the no nonsense “make bank, lift heavy stuff” mantra) which tends to produce 2D Tate wannabes. A balance is needed, nice video!
Your set up and video editing is so good now! Thanks for so many frequent videos.
This is beyond truth. Thanks for adding all of these meta value to our lives. Anyone who is in the dating field will resonate with this but it is much easier to theorize than to practically employ all these because of Schrodinger’s cat phallacy, you will never really know the reasons for your rejection or failures in a relationship in the same way most people won’t know convincingly what they are doing right. I appreciate that your point of view on attractiveness 😅at the end everyone is biased and you could argue that living internally in a state of peace is better than to put yourself through misery to become attractive
It's way easier to see value by appearance rather than by personality, the former requires no prior contact with the person for value to be displayed. First impression is a critical aspect in any transaction, same for a relationship prospect, and the buyer determines their value, even a perceived one.
2:45 Class in Session
7:15 SMV
8:05 Entitlement
9:30 Attraction & Goodness
Your content is fantastic, and so incredibly spot-on!
"if you have a lot of what people want youll get what you want", not an exact quote but a good reminder and verified by experience. Thanks for the message.
Absolutely agree, and I’m married.
Being attractive is misunderstood by many women. Simply eating whole foods diet full of animal protein, a pair of dumbbells and exercising with them 20min a day, some feminine clothes. That gets women 90% there.
No makeup, high heels etc are needed for most men.
Judging at obesity rates it’s clear most people value treats more than their relationships.
Taking attraction, on both sides, end badly and is a sign of taking the other person for granted.
This is my second of your videos.
I am about to gamble an Audible Credit on the value of your book.
You said, "If you can't beat out your competition". Worrying about competition is a limiting mindset. It makes you insecure and trying to compensate to "beat out" the competition, which is unnattractive behavior. It keeps you in a state of fear.
Physical attractiveness and being a good person definitely help a lot, but these things are not what truly creates that raw attraction. Also, social status literally doesn't matter at all. The fact that you think these things matter a lot tells me that you don't understand how attraction works and you have MANY limiting beliefs that holds you back a ton. With respect, because of this, your advice gets it right about 5 percent of the time.
Also, introspection can never be narcissistic. Narcissistic people literally NEVER do introspection. This is how they end up being narcissistic. They are constantly avoiding themselves and how they feel deep down inside. The fact that you think this tells me that you might lean more toward narcissistic and/or avoidant behavior because that belief is an excuse for you to avoid introspection.
You mentioned being rewarded by the other side. This is like looking at women as if they are your mommy. Your focus on a rewards system for your accomplishments or you doing well or showing something that should be attractive is actually VERY unnattractive and the wrong thing to focus on. It definitely points to your own current limiting beliefs and knowledge gaps. But the world propagandizes us to believe these things. So you aren't the only one.
Good comment, having this plow horse mindset is extremely unattractive. Unfortunately you need to be in 2+ year long LTRs to see it, in shorter relationships you can just free ride on her projected fantasies. And most guys at that point blame to woman not their own unattractiveness. So it's very elusive.
Excellently worded. This video really helped me sort out what had been going through my mind the past few days...
I get it. It's like cooking. There are certain ingredients you cannot skip out on.
Because people don't want to
know about dating, they want to know how to find a compatible partner for life and get married. Nobody wants to be in a "sexual marketplace" like a piece of meat.
Well said. You are the only One who mention that the dating thing is complcated.
Like money, the people that are good at getting relationships often aren't good at keeping them, and vice versa...
Watched your videos for quite a while, just grabbed your book.
A needed truth about attractiveness.. Thank you once again Orion! You are like a prophet (no irony but funny tone).
One of your most important videos!
Going casual today with the polo!
I enjoyed that episode. Thank you.
Better to be ATTRACTIVE than GOOD? That's something to ponder.
My answer was that it is better to be GOOD because that will (presumably) retain a quality partner. And keeping a quality partner is important. But, then again, you must ATTRACT the quality partner in the first place.
yes, that suggestion to be attractive was jarring.
while it is a peril to become morally vain--to exalt oneself for any reason--ultimately the self is the centre point of one's life. therefore knowing that self rather than attempting to attract others would be the basis for happiness.
Trust me attraction retains more than it seems it does.
You said it in the last sentence. Good won’t get you in the door but attractive will. They hope that you’re good but not until after they’re attracted to you.
I can get it now why the balck pill exists. If given only one option: would you be good or attractive.
It actually threw me off that he says attractive people consider trying to increase their goodness is impractical and not real 😂 how attractive does someone have to think they are to have this thought process? I never vilify people for being attractive, but my wife does. She hates attractive women, but she herself is fairly attractive.
Took most of my 20s to learn this lesson. College kids take notes do the work do it early it's not all sugar and rainbow nor is it all hell.
So basically keep eating healthy and exercising.. and staying focused on my goals. If a woman is fit for me she will certainly fall into my frame eventually.
The dating marketplace is similar to the job marketplace. If you apply the same principle, you will win.
huh?
This is the kind of thinking that is problematic.. Once you think its this easy, you are in for dissapointment
This would also be wrong. The question is who do the hiring and who decide the promotion? (aka who is the boss?) for example: If the man is doing good stuff for the woman, will his actions be counted and get promoted or 'what have you done for me lately?' or when a so called good woman can no longer perform some basic task, will the man have the right to kick her out?
Always take the coffee cup back at the end
especially the part where you can be fired randomly
You and Dr Todd Grande are the two best psychologists in the world, imho. Thank you!
Man, I'm buying your book today.
I would say the most important thing here is the emotional stability. Just be truly yourself with the highs and lows and dont try to be someone else (sounds obvious but It is not easy). I think most of the advices focus on practical issues like do this do that. Just be yourself and you will connect with people similar to you. And lastly, an important thing to accept is the possibility of not getting along with none, we should be optimistic but the chance is there. This is why is important that if you end up being alone at least you are happy with yourself :)
Very simple. It is what it is! 🙌🙌🙌
"It is what it is" is also Max Holloway's favorite quote 😎
Hard pill to swallow, this advice timely and hit me real hard.
Orion, you are one of the most well read, intelligent persons I listen to.
I wish I could like you more.
Thanks!
The frustrating thing about modern dating that not a lot of people are talking about but is probably not going to change without an extraordinary event is the "why buy the cow if the milk is free" situation.
I think this is so much deeper and important than people give it credit for. It wasn't long ago when a man's commitment was fueled by his desire for sexual access. But because culturally most women do not require commitment or much of any effort, men are just going to keep on playing the game women keep allowing.
This wouldn't be too much of an issue if it didn't have the consequence of average women experiencing men that would never commit to them because low effort sex is usually the desired option for men with options.
We've gotten to this awkward place where too many women opened Pandora's box thinking they deserve something that'll never happen. Ultimately leaving too many women incapable of not appreciating or respecting the men who were actually good for them.
Casual sex is the Pandora's box most women should never experience. A lot of women are waking up to this but most of them will die defending themselves filled with copium.
he made a video exactly about this.
@@UNGGodYT really? What's it called? Thanks
The other issue is that divorce and family courts have been punishing men who made the marriage commitment for decades now.
If you increase the availability of milk (hookup culture) and make buying the cow something that comes with a potentially huge penalty (divorce) don’t be surprised if very few cows get sold.
The other issue is that divorce and family courts have been punishing men who made the marriage commitment for decades now.
If you increase the availability of milk (hookup culture) and make buying the cow something that comes with a potentially huge penalty (divorce) don’t be surprised if very few cows get sold.
Well articulated point. A tangent to this is the serial monogamy culture of recent decades. Men in unmarried committed relationships experience firsthand that women are Just. Not. Loyal. So a lot of men have said "the hell with that", & keep it "casual" after those experiences.
🌟 awesome message
YES--attractiveness, especially physical beauty--is the most important thing. I suppose that's why they say, "looks aren't EVERYTHING." But, they're an enormous part, at least for we men. And, I'm convinced through decades of life experience (I'm a few years older than you) that looks are more important to women than most people claim. I'll take being good-looking over intelligence, being witty, wealth, etc...
So they way I understand this, when it comes to the dating game, the pyramid of overall attractiveness starts with SMV at the bottom, interpersonal dynamics in the middle, and your own internal self-awareness. SMV dictates your ability to get into a relationship and to be selected while the other 2 determines the health and the longevity of the relationship. And people overemphasize the components that is to their advantage and de-emphasize the components that is their weakness. Ideally I agree, having all components up to a sufficient level is ideal, but its difficult but achievable. If you have the right upbringing and the right role models that cultivates all 3 components, it makes the process of achieving all 3 easier. But most people do not have that opportunity.
Saddened as I realize that other people think about like I do. Relationships are both psychological and transactional but the hot ones get the most attention.
I live in Germany and based on my experience, people here are less shallow when it comes to dating.
Same here in Denmark. ;)
Jeg har dårlig erfaring med danske piger, jeg dater kun expats
you forgot the 3rd part - inertia. The transaction cost of changing expectations. that cost can only be found by experience. So having different and unusual expectations (like asperger's) lowers your ability to signal in the short term and provide comfort in the long term. Romance is conservative. A safe haven in a harsh world. But not sex, women like a bit of strange in sex. Being good and attractive is not an advantage if it makes you realise that people are bad or only care about appearances. So be a dumb Chad/Barbie, not a smart one. A jock/model
For men, attraction is all that matters. Women under 30 do not value a man's character AT ALL.
This is not completely true. this implies that most people under 30 are emotionally immature which is not true
Thank you for saying it out loud.
I agree with u being attractive is the most important thing but being attractive has too a psychological element not only physical of based on money
Thank you for your videos Orion. Another creator that also has a very valuable message is Coach Corey Wayne 😊
The best dating book I've ever read was 'Mate' by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller. It teaches you how to become high value with real steps. It teaches about physical, mental, emotional, social and other things that women value. Also in it you can find some familiar things Dr. Taraban said in his videos. And it teaches how to date and make a move into kissing and more. This book really helped me attract women who are older than me. Also there's a bit of humor and it'll be fun to read. It's must read if you want a longer but sure way.
That's indeed a very good advise, as always.
If psychological issues were everything, most people wouldn't need help with relationship nowadays.
But being able to give the other what they desire is kind of mandatory to keep this person by your side.
I really think the biggest problem we have is that a lot of people just can't or wont do it. Whatever the reason.
Balanced as all things should be - Thanos
What a sad but true conclusion: better to be attractive than good. I’m totally sure this is why some people prematurely exit this world on their own accord
I've always dated women I considered attractive... when things got close, things got stressful, with a few exceptions.
I'm an elder. 12 years ago I came across a gal who I really enjoyed being with. We were similar in so many ways... we got along. I didn't, and still don't, consider her physically attractive... but here we are.
We agree to not live together... since we are both eccentric artists, and need our solitude to be creative.
She's a keeper. She's easy to be with, is always kind, generous.
I was always athletic, had an attractive body, but I was ADHD as hell, grew up abused, had self-esteem issues. Some of the women stayed in my life because I was easily manipulated, and they, narcissists. Ugh.
It took until my 60's to develop a zero tolerance attitude toward dating. No scolding, blaming, shaming, crazy girl shit. With this attitude, I had a lot of one-date wonders... no matter how pretty, or good in bed... bye-bye.... zero tolerance.
As a man I can only partially agree with this. Having been together with someone for a long time also is a value in itself, and with time, even though you fantasize about other options you also realize that your "percieved best option" is mainly that, perceived. In another video you say "all you have to be to your partner is the best option out there". I don't think that is too hard if you put in some basic work and look between the eyes at a lot of the flaws your partner has, which is possible if they are not too big.
Y’all have fun with all of that.
One other option, that's kind of included without stating it directly, but I think should be said directly.
You may need to admit that you're unwilling to do the things necessary to both land and keep a relationship.
If you honestly assess yourself, and realize that you need to address X, your, and z before you can rationally expect get get what you want from the sexual marketplace, and then realize that you're unwilling to do those things... then no matter how much you want it, you're not going to get it.
Facts don't care about your feelings.
U included Game in the economics of the dating, what's your definition of game? A most important what's your definition or attractiveness?
You’re making it more complicated than it is. There is no ‘definition’ of attractiveness. Beauty pageants, actors, models, top influencers, top choices on dating apps…. Those are attractive people, simple. Because they ‘attract’ the most people.
His definition of a "game is anything with rules and a goal."
@@ninozah thx but I do want to hear from teacher
Every video of this man is a valuable and bitter pill to swallow
Dating is hard for everyone, but at least when you are very attractive, you are playing the game with cheat codes.
Its not hard for women. Stop lying
I have years of experience dating. From what Ive experienced, the more good looking I got and the more successful I became, the easier it was to date the women I wanted and get away with things. I no longer date as I have a family. Even if im off the market, women still want me. Women like to go after men who have already been preselected. But to be preselected, you need looks, money, and status.
You do not need money or status at all. Just to stoke jealousy via other women wanting you.
@@chipsteve the higher you climb the sexual market value, the more qualities you need to compete, that being money and or status. Being good looking won't cut it with certain caliber of women. Especially if there are other good looking men around their social circle. Now if you are good looking and date a couple notches below your value, then you can definitely get away with just being a good looking broke man. But even then, your time is ticking until she gets tired of you being broke. It all depends on the desperation of the individual dating you.
Preselected also may mean he's stable, not a psycho, knows how to talk to a woman and deal with her b.s., and is easy to be around. Women, take note, your attractive boyfriend or husband may not be considered off limits at all by some predatory women. I experienced this myself when I was married--at one event, a woman was openly flirting with my husband right in front of me. He later asked me if he was misreading signals or if she was hitting on him.
What if the man or woman is physically attractive, rich addict? How does alcoholism etc factor into the econ? No jail, no mess, no change in high status. Daily addict with no other change to the status, physical attractiveness, wealth.
10:23 Banger video definitely buying the book ! 🔥
Insightful👍
Beauty is form of Genius--is higher, indeed, than Genius, as it needs no explanation.
Oscar Wilde
A viable explanation for why beauty tends to trump intellect and good character in today’s society. A society that values status and convenience.
See, beauty is eye catching. A man immediately responds to it. But a real man, a man who in other words has been around, is looking for more. He’s looking for responses to his own actions. Not her looks.
Her looks are worthless, it’s a fart in the wind for the elevated man.
Great video!
Doc - Ok first things first, don’t believe anything I say.
The way i look at it is simple:
You can be the best dancer in the world, but if you never get invited to the dance to show off your moves, it doesnt matter. You could be a terrible dancer, but if you keep getting invited to dance, you will have more opportunities than the better dancers that don't get invited.
Being attractive first is the best way to ensure opportunities because that initial attraction is working the high end of the funnel.
Hmm... this hits home.
I'm guilty of having gone from one perspective to the opposite when I took the pill. And I'm probably not alone because extremist views are a trend nowadays.
Thank you for the eye opener, even though it seems so obvious. It's how you explain it what makes it so not-redundant.
You have to have a certain value in the SVM or you will never even get a chance to demonstrate if you are psychologically capable and a "good" person. Interesting that the more I try to improve myself (exercise, diet, fashion) the LESS I want to even bother with relationships. I value my peace more than anything now.
Orion wearing a Polo T-shirt? This is new
Maybe for next April he can wear an orange one and talk about food
Drop-dead Faithful is better than Drop-dead Gorgeous...
You are dreaming. That's great !
Depends! Do you want a 400lb women who's "drop-dead-faithful?" I didn't think so.
You can’t choose to be more attractive than you are. You can groom yourself, and train, but that doesn’t equate to attractiveness and there are diminishing returns. You are either attractive to someone or you ain’t. Same goes for many other things.
Thing is - you will be better accepted where the competition is less fierce and the variety smaller. Culture also plays a role. Also, if relationships are a power play, it’s better to give advice on how to maintain and grow your power, but getting power to begin with, if you don’t have it, is really a matter of relativity, not intensivity
Nice Shirt, Dr. Orion.