Zelda II WITH LYRICS - Brentalfloss

CW: Racism, Sexual Assault [More info under the video description]
What if your favorite tunes from Zelda II: The Adventure of Link... had lyrics?
Special thanks to Dave Bulmer for providing his pleasing English baritone voice for the epilogue narration. Check out his awesome video game music videos and more at / demontomatodave
Also, special thanks to my friend Matt for waking me up in time to get the exterior shots, as well as his fine cinematography skills.
And finally, a VERY VERY SPECIAL THANKS to Ben Ambroso and Drew Bramlett for literally CREATING the Link costume for me with only a day's notice. Sorry about the ears, fellas, we had some technical difficulties and were racing against the weather. You are both true lifesavers!
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LYRICS:
Link! You're on the alert again
So put on your skirt again!
Get ready to fight till it hurts
Have a nap, take a squirt, Begin!
Another adventure through the countryside!
Kicking some ass! Kicking some ass, Kicking some ass!
The baddies are on the rise since Ganon died
Stay off the grass! Stay on the road, get off the grass!
The yellow road is your priority, you're sorta like Dorothy... MAN UP!
You'll have to fight your shadow hand to hand (Again, just like Peter Pan)
There will be rats (radical rats!) with boomerangs
Link, is that your wang?
Hyrule is strange, every new game it changes,
the map rearranges and I don't know where to go
Zelda is comatose, maybe she overdosed,
by the way what happened to your bow?
Here we go now
Link you are patrolling, sidescrolling, and Ganon's trolling
Sure, this title's clunky and funky, but look, a monkey!
You must gain XP (In P bags) Like an RPG (Yes, P bags)
Still though, run away (la la la) From the KKK, what the fff-
Link! Go stab a statue so that you can heal your ass dude
Don't whine that it's harder, you martyr, now go walk on water!
Learn to thrust up and down, visit a tiny town,
This lady gives you care, what does she do in there?
You get an extra life from Zelda merchandise, now go forth,
your adventure is nigh!
You shall go to Death Mountain, fly fly!
It's called Death Mountain 'cause you will DIE.
Why is this part so hard, Jesus WHY?
But not halfway as hard as the end
Just expect to get buttraped my friend
'Cause your shadow is set to attack
He knows all of your moves, plus he's black!
He might be Ganon's ghost but you have to persevere
(Believe me)
Or just use this here
(Game Genie)
Link you must prevail
(For Zelda)
Link you must not fail, now go!
[SPOKEN EPILOGUE]
So once again you've saved your countrymen from certain death
Your sleeping beauty is awake but watch out, morning breath
You will have more daring escapades,
Challenges along the way
Maybe you will learn to play the flute some other day
But for now
Look buddy you saved the world
Yeah buddy you got the girl
You did really great! Celebrate, have a date, procreate,
Link you win!
YEAAH!!!
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So there are two jokes in this song that really make me cringe nowadays and I'm sorry I wrote them. The first is when I compare the difficulty of Death Mountain to being sexually assaulted. Back in 2010, this felt acceptably "edgy" but I now see that it was NOT and is not an okay topic for humor. Also, the line about Link's shadow, "he knows all of your moves, plus he's black." At the time, I thought this was pretty clever, and I justified it with the fact that the old man is saying it, and old men are racist. I also thought back then that making fun of the KKK made up for it. But nowadays, I see the harmful implications of this joke and I wish I hadn't written it. If you find this video to be nostalgic, that's fine, but please know that I don't stand by these jokes nowadays.