Father Knows: Realistic Expectations || Father Knows Something Podcast
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- Опубликовано: 18 дек 2022
- Welcome back to Father Knows Something! Real People. Real Stories. Real Dad advice with a dash of ADHD, and maybe a couple of millennials chiming in from time to time to add their thoughts.
This week's episode has the Fathers Knows Crew discussing listener write-ins that involve the need to have realistic expectations and the ability to be flexible as one progresses through the wild ride of life.
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Submit your write-in to dad & siblings! forms.gle/aSMAnkrLf8TJ35BAA
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Full-length audio episodes are available on all podcast platforms!
First Story @ 2:40
Second Story @ 17:55
Third Story @ 38:45
The second story was my write-in! I just want to thank y’all for putting so much time and thought into your advice and genuinely considering every aspect of what I said. I watched this with my partner and we both are in such a better place than when I wrote this in July. We have been to couple’s counseling, and have been able to have open and honest discussions about our individual boundaries. He now uses a bank account that she doesn’t have access to. She is minimally involved in our lives and my partner is content with his relationship with her and keep her at a bit of a distance. His brother has moved out of her house, is going to college and working a part-time job. Again, we both appreciate y’all and wish you a wonderful holiday season! ☺️
I’m so glad to hear this because your story really got to me and I was wishing the best for you and your family. Peace and love
So glad to hear your update! I am in a similar situation as your partner. It makes me hope the situation will get better. Best of luck to you and your partner!
Best case scenario in my eyes, glad you're doing okay ❤
For the first story, I work at a vet and see this A LOT. Please, contact the recuse that they’ll fostering from! You can do it anonymously if you’re worried about that. Tell them about what’s going on, the older dog, the state of the home etc. They will pull their right to continue to foster.
The first story has me RAGING. My doggy is already 14, if I had to leave her behind, and she wasn’t being cherished like the gift she is I would throw a huge fit! 😢 that poor baby. They need to be loved.
Dogs can have full, happy, fulfilling lives in apartments. One of them needs to take the dog, then reach out to the rescues and let them know that there is neglect ongoing because of the fostering and it's in the best interest of ALL animals that they are not allowed to continue fostering. I would also consider contacting the family vet so they can have a chat next time they see the older dog.
I've fostered for 10 years, and it's a lot to manage but you have to know and respect your limits and they aren't doing that.
Most of the time apartments don’t allow pets
I’ve learned when it comes to alcoholism it is best to separate yourself from that person until they are in a place where they will listen to loved ones about becoming sober. I think op should definitely not be afraid to set that boundary with MIL and hopefully in doing so her partner will be able to as well. Wish you the best ❤
Christmas only dad: can we please start normalizing not having relationships with toxic parents, asking why, and trying to come up with solutions to fix the relationship? I’ve struggled with this all my life with my dad and whenever people find out what our relationship is like they make excuses for him and try to come up with solutions. I went no contact for seven years after my stepmom kicked me out when I was twelve and he just stood by and watched it happen. Since becoming an adult I’ve tried having various amounts of contact with him but ultimately decided no/minimal contact is what’s best for me and my mental health. I love my dad and care about him despite his wrong doings but after trying to set boundaries that he blatantly disregarded and constantly getting drug into him and his wife’s drama I finally had to go back to no contact for my own sanity. I plan on a phone call every now and then to check in but I refuse to have any relationship until he leaves his wife, which I’m not holding my breath for. And what I’m finally learning is to accept that that’s okay, and these are the cards I was dealt. I’ve dreamed of having the best relationship with him but at the end of the day I can’t fix or change him, and after the last time he cussed me out I decided I deserved better than to be talked down to by someone who had done nothing but hold me back. It’s okay and admirable to cut off a toxic parent, you aren’t what you came from and you can be the bigger person as the “kid.” And the best part is, you don’t owe them an explanation. Because even if you give one, chances are they’re not really going to hear it and will find a way to turn it back on you.
The first story breaks my heart. My fur baby passed away suddenly 2 days ago. No one prepares you for how much it hurts. 💔
I'm so so sorry for your loss😭💕
I am the writer of the third story. I read through the comments on here before I commented and I want to clear up my not wanting to be alone with him comment. I listened to the podcast again and I can see where people would be concerned. There has not been any abuse from him probably more neglect if anything. I want to thank everyone for being concerned about me!
I wrote in a couple of months ago when I felt like I had no clue where to go with my relationship with my dad. I have since started therapy and have been going for a couple months to work through my issues with my dad. It has helped me tremendously understand how I feel about different things and why I feel that way. It sounds like I am the same as Morgan and if I had the conversation “I am only seeing you at Christmas” it wouldn’t go over well.
I will update everyone on how Christmas went.
I look forward to your comment. Jerry
Hi, I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I saw my dad at Christmas at my aunt's house and I talked to him only three times. It was nothing serious saying hi, thank you for my gift, and goodbye. Nothing came from it honestly it went how I wanted it to go. He texted me today the 28th and told me he wanted to reconcile with me and meet to discuss everything.
I have been going to therapy about the whole situation, but honestly, I don’t think I want a relationship with him and that’s ok. I told him no that I am not ready and I’m not sure if/when I will be. He said, “can you tell me what I did or why you’re mad?” I didn’t want to get into it with him so I didn’t respond.
morgan lovingly rubbing justins foot and being excited about his socks with him @ the beginning of the episode was my favorite part
For the first story, I have an education in animal welfare + work in a vet. Laws can change but typically the legal owner of the dog would be whoever is registered under the dogs microchip, so a change of ownership would need to be filled at a vet for you to authorise any veterinary treatment (etc, unless a vet considers it necessary for welfare reasons). Definitely report your parents to your local animal authorities as well as the rescues theyre fostering from. Authorities will take a report, visit the home themselves and if the animals needs are not being met, they will know and take appropriate action. Talking to rescues will stop them from being able to continue this cycle of neglect and adopting more animals. All of this can be done anonymously and the process doesnt take very long. Your dog will appreciate it
Lost my dad in July and he was my sounding board and best friend. I always talked to him about everything and I really miss him. Thank you to your dad for doing this podcast, it reminds me of my talks with my dad.
Merry Xmas … Did you put cookies & Mike out as it is 2:28am, and I’m watching the chimney….
My parents did this with our family cat. They'd shut him up in the basement, by himself, with a litterbox. So when I came home from college, I took the cat with me and he was my buddy for the next, gosh, 11 or so years. Turned out he was peeing on stuff because he wasn't getting enough water in his diet and his peeing was painful, so he'd search out soft places to pee. I swapped out his food for all wet food and started playing with him every day. Got him some toys that stimulated his mind and bought him the biggest cat tree I could find. He wasn't destructive and he was such an amazing companion. He was the first (and only so far) pet I had to put down, and I was nervous about it. But in the end, it becomes super clear when it's time. I didn't want him to be in pain. He was affectionate and loving right to the end. It was such an honor to have him in my family and get to take care of him.
I won't get another pet until I'm in a better financial situation. I was able to take care of my first cat, but it was very hard at points. I don't want to cut it that close again.
My little cousin passed this year in August. He had just turned 3 before he lost his battle with an infection and leukemia. He loved Mickey Mouse 💙 I love Justin's socks
Awe I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending you all the good vibes and lots of love 🩶
❤
Not all people are meant to have animals BUT working with fosters and closely with shelters we always say a dog would rather wait for you at home while you work then sit in a shelter knowing no one is coming for them! If you believe you are capable definitely foster you will be saving lives! Most shelters will provide everything for the foster animal and they will cover vet bills! Check with your local shelter ❤
Morgan has the best podcast voice. I could listen to her talk forever! ❤
Haven’t fully listened yet but falling asleep here in MA and I always get excited when there’s a new video out because more often than not y’all talk me to sleep
Me too!
To the first write in - as a vet tech, you can also reach out to all the rescue groups in their area/ the ones they work with & let them know your concerns. Most rescues will not allow them to foster anymore & will also communicate with other rescues. If the living conditions of the dogs are a concern, you can also reach out to the animal control in their area & have them do a welfare check. Just wanted to put that out there for the writer & anyone else that may want that advice. I’ve had to tell a few rescues around my area to not let certain people foster/ adopt & they took my advice. You don’t have to tell them much details either.
Father knows something has been rubbing off on me in a good way. I was not taught, and have never picked up on my own how to communicate effectively and respectfully. Will definitely be listening to all of these episodes. Thank you for your videos!
That's so awesome
The write in about the Christmas only dad- I don’t know if I missed something but it was kind of alarming for me hearing the writer didn’t want to be alone with the dad…I’m concerned about what has happened that they don’t want to be alone with the dad. Was this just to avoid conversation or is there some type of abuse / history of abuse? Just checking as I think this changes the advice. If you don’t feel safe around him you have no obligation to respond to him but you may decide telling him you need space gives you freedom from the obligation and feeling of dread (if that’s how you’d describe it) when he contacts you. If you’re reading, write in OP, I hope you weren’t dealing with anything related to abuse but that you can use resources if you are. I know therapy wasn’t an option right now but there may be more resources. I had an abusive dad that became a Christmas only dad. By the time I was in 4th grade I asked to stopped seeing him altogether. No regrets.
This line rubbed me the wrong way too
I thought this too!
Hey Morgan I'm almost in tears listening to you. Talk about your dog... We had to put my dog down September 5th... she had cancer and she was doing good a few days before we had to put her down.... The top of her skull collapsed in and she was just struggling to breathe.....
oh no first story my emotions r already heightened due to my “sleep fast” as i like to call it and i already wanna cry my hearttt
For the first story, my cousin needed to give her cat away since she moved to an apartment. She told her therapist and the therapist said she could write a note saying the cat is an emotional support animal since she had her for 15 years. My cousin presented that letter to her leasing office and they had to let her cat stay! This was in the state of Texas, don't know if this is different in other states!
Morgan, you're right. With some people (my dad was a narcissist) its great to set boundaries without always saying it. I still openly set boundaries with my dad, but not with everything. Its really very specific to specific people in my opinion.
Edit: I want to add that I heard dr Ramani (a narc expert) give this same advice on her channel.
With the first story, I feel that BAD. my parents had divorced, and I was with my mom. We had lived in a rv for half a year, I think, then moved into a place. We had 2 dogs and 1 cat. We had just found the cat after being missing for about 8 months after she left her animals with some guy she had just met, and he let the cat out. Anyhow, one of my dogs had congestive heart failure and was on meds for it. The issue was that she was off playing house with flings for a few weeks before checking in. I wasn't able to pick his meds up so she would take him off meds. Wait till he was stumbling and dying, and I was begging for her to put him down or give him meds. This happened for a year before I stood up to her and told her that she wasn't the one watching him hate life, watching him wither away, so she put him down w the vets help
For the third story I had a similar experience. I decided to have the conversation and my bio dad completely ignored it and refused to see any problem. I ended up just cutting him off and I’m 100% better off now. Sometimes the conversation doesn’t need to happen or it’s not the best thing. I agree with Morgan just see him at Christmas if that’s what you want and IF he addresses you only seeing him at Christmas then you can have the conversation but I would avoid starting the conversation
As an adult and a pet owner I believe it is one of the most important things to be there for them when they go out. And to know when its time. I lost all 3 childhood pets in 2021. It is heart breaking but it is a responsibility you sign on for when you adopt or buy a pet. They should be with you not strangers when they go.
Kicked out by my mom at 15 and strained relationship with dad… both parents always say the phone works both ways or blames me for not having a relationship. It was tiring so now we only talk a couple times a year and I’m okay with that. Also like Morgan said.. my parents shouldn’t have been parents 😅
Nope. Part of being the parent is that it's YOUR responsibility to make an effort to be in your kids life. It is not the child's responsibility to keep tabs on the parent and make sure they "remember" to be active in their kids lives. The only exception to this rule is if adult child goes NC (no contact) and lets it be known that they do not wish to have the toxic parent in their life. THEN and only then would i understand the parent taking a step back out of respect for their adult child and their wishes and waiting for the child to let the parent know they are ready/if they are ever ready to try and repair the relationship. But the parent should keep in mind that there is a good chance that may never happen. When adult children cut their parents out of their life there's usually a very good reason and it may be too late to mend the relationship at that point.
1st story. And I'm sure it's not a popular opinion... but the parents have been clear. They don't want the dog. Either the kid should take it or put it down.
For the first story with the dogs, if the situation is bad enough, you can call the authorities. Animal neglect is illegal. Whether the parents would go to jail depends on how severe the neglect, but the animals would be removed from the property if they are found to be in danger. So at least the animals would be rescued, and then whatever happens to the parents, happens.
I 100% agree with morgan on the 3rd story. I appreciate Jerry’s big heart when it comes to family relationships and working it out. But some relationships really don’t need to be, mostly when the adult, the PARENT never put in the effort they should’ve. She has no responsibility to fix a relationship she didn’t break to begin with and I think putting that pressure on people of “oh but it’s your dad/mom” can be very invalidating. When I was younger I had a great dad. But he was a bad, physically/mentally/emotionally abusive husband so he ended up getting deported when I was 9. He wouldn’t show up for the supervised visits before he had to leave. Then when I’d speak to him on the phone he would gaslight me, and try to convince me that the things I SAW him do didn’t happen. Then he’d guilt trip me when I didn’t want to talk to him. So I didn’t speak to him for almost 10 years. I made that decision when I was only 11 and had no regrets. I finally reached out to him because whenever he did I just ignored him. Some things don’t need to be addressed, and the adults who had that responsibility need to reflect on their own actions and accept that the situation got to where it’s at because of him. Parent/child relationships and how they go, and how they end up is 9 times out of 10 not the child’s fault and we shouldn’t feel like we owe them anything when they owed us something and didn’t pull through.
As much as I LOVE the recommendation for therapy, I think it’s important to also recognize that it isn’t always the most accessible (insurance, providers in your area, scheduling, etc) nor is everyone willing to participate.
Love you guys!!!!!!!! Happy holidays and don’t forget to relax and have fun! 🫶🏼
While agree animal control should be brought in, I wouldn’t use animal control for the senior dog.
Animal control will most likely put it down. And the pet should be around their humans(the kids) when taking its last breath. Vets will tell you they look for their humans as a form of comfort and it kills them when the owners don’t want to stay. So, OP needs to take care of this with their siblings.
If anyone ever needs to put their pet down to relieve suffering, please make sure to stay by your pet’s side. It may be hard for you to see them in that position, but saddest thing is to have the animal end it’s life being scared and alone.
I really resonate with story three, as I have a similar situation with my dad that I've been struggling with. Thank you for the wise words on boundaries and some outside advice.
Lauren- There was a AITA post about a a woman who grew up not destitute but definitely not wealthy. Woman marries into a wealthy family. She doesn't flaunt this and is humble from what I can tell. Anyway fast forward to the holidays she brings her children to her parents house for Christmas and her mom does their family tradition of singing etc. and then it's time to pass out gifts. She watches her children patiently wait to be given a gift like all the other children but the tree is cleared and her children still receive no gifts. Her young child becomes distressed because the Grandma had told the kids only good children get presents. Anyway op pulls mother aside and asks why her children didn't receive a gift like the other kids and her mom tells her "oh no one told you?" We decided that since your kids will get plenty from your in laws already that we would instead spend that money for their gifts on buying gifts for the other kids who wouldn't be getting as much as your kids. Then she tells her something about how she didn't think she'd notice considering how many vacations they take a year etc. yeah it's bad. Ops family continues to call and text and tell her she's the Ah for leaving like that and making a big deal and the fact that her children cried over not getting a toy proves how spoiled they are and how good it is for them to not get a gift while other did. Then she tells op that she was entitled. Just completely unhinged jealous mother and family and taking their jealousy out on her grandkids. I can't even say unhinged because I don't know that she was ever hinged in the first place. PLEASE DO THAT ONE!
Thumbs up for the socks & the sweaters
Christmas Dad story - I am going through something very similar. Parents divorced when I was 2 after 3 years of marriage and they only got married bc my dad didn't want me being called a "bastard" growing up. I was born in 99 like was that really an issue come on. But forced weekends and Wednesday nights for a few hours and my parents never coparented. They never talk still to this day. I didn't see or speak to my dad from ages 15-18. He called me outta the blue on my 18th birthday but I chose to answer it. We now have a phone call about once every two months, and see each other at either Christmas or Thanksgiving and maybe one other time through the year as he moved to Arizona last year(from Indiana). Before he moved we would meet up for lunch every couple months and we'd be in and out within an hour.
Obvi things are different, but someone once told me to make sure I'm in a position I would want to be with someone if they were to pass tomorrow. If only Christmas is that comfortbility for you then heck yeah get it! As they said, you are an adult. We're growing up and our parents get that whether they like it or not.
Side note : my dad straight up admitted to me that he feels kids are a burden. Which explains so much why my relationship was piss poor with him until I was 18.
Regarding fathers connecting with their kids, specifically daughters - I feel like a lot of men get this script from society, from their friends, heck from their own family sometimes, that fathers don't have anything significant to connect with their daughters over. Dads are there to pay bills, teach you to drive, and scare your date. I think this script is getting challenged now a lot more than it used to and it's a good thing. I think that sometimes, a father needs to hear that there ARE things that they can connect with their daughter over. Maybe it's a sport or a show or a certain kind of music. Maybe they could take a class together. Some dads just need to see that their daughters are not so different from their sons, just as much in need of love and guidance and active involvement.
For the first story - I would definitely go the route of reporting the parents, especially as you can do it anonymously. And also report to the foster organisation, ideally if you have pictures or videos submit those too. It’s not fair to the animals to live in that way and they’ll eventually start to neglect the younger dogs as they get older. My family dog was 16 when we had her put to sleep and it was the hardest decision. It happened pretty quickly as she was hardly able to walk and having accidents in her bed and had to sit in it. Part of me feels guilty that we didn’t do it sooner and give her one last great day.
My in laws are neglectful like that except they even neglect kittens. They keep feeding them things that are just objectively bad for them and they have all kinds of issues. They even re homed the MOTHER that they did the exact same thing too when the kittens where just 6 weeks old
I lost a dog at that was 6 years old to cancer and it scarred me so that I now think every dog older than 6 is old. Only 13 that’s ancient for some breeds and I would have given anything for only 7 more years.
2:23 like “letters to Juliet”
It is so hard but the good owner thing to do is what Jerry said if the dogs quality of life isn’t what it used to be and there’s more suffering days than there are good days it’s time to put them down. Hardest thing I’ve ever done! It’s awful but it’s the right thing. What a very hard question and a tough situation to be in with family. 😪
Ahhhh I’m third!! Love you guys! Happy Chanukah 🕎
Story 3. I had an estranged mother. She never reached out to me. That was my answer of how much she wanted to be a mother. No conversation needed.
I just stopped answering my dads 3am phone calls 😂
I'm here I'm here!!!
Happy holidays guys!!!
My ex-uncle was going to drop off his 2 dogs that my aunt couldn’t get in the divorce when they started getting old. My cousin drove all the way from Louisiana to Colorado to save those dogs and she has 3 young kids. Anyway we are very glad he’s an ex.
I've never been this early!!!
First time being early!! 😍🎉
Hei my fav people
Happy holiday😊
Hey y’all! I have something I want to ask advice on, where can I post my write in?
There's plenty of rentals that allows dogs. I feel like that's just an excuse that the writer doesn't want to take care of the dog too 🙄. I feel like no one in their family is there for the rescue.
💚
The first story had me LIVID! I can’t stand animal neglect/abuse 😠😡
omg last story; that sounds a lot like what ive been through and i fully ghosted my dad when i was 23 because he refused to understand that he couldnt be a dick every time we spoke. he didnt even call me on my 24th birthday. but writer just block him and if hes a pos he wont even try. and then work through that trauma in therapy cause it hurts a lot when they fully stop trying. good luck.
Story with cutting off the dad...So coming from someone who actually has cut off her mom & dad. I've done both. With my dad we we got into a heated discussion where basically i asked him to choose if he wanted to be in my life as a dad or not. He said he would show up more then I didn't hear from him again for 7 MONTHS. Then for about a year he'd text me on bdays holidays and I never responded. One day I got a text saying why don't you just talk to me. To which i responded and told him exactly why...he never responded to that message but a few weeks later wished me a happy something. Now to certain family I'm the bad guy because I cut him off for no reason. With my mom I cut her off after an argument she started with me and she never apologized however she still reached out to wish me happy whatevers but its been years since I've spoken to either of them. Basically let the person know that way you don't question yourself down the line as to whether you are a bad person or not for not giving them the chance to make it right unless you couldn't care less if they dropped dead the next day.
First story in. I think it's about my housemates..... 😢
Do you let people know when you read their story? I wonder if mine is on patron lol and that's why I haven't heard it yet orrrr mine was just not good
I was wondering the same thing
does anyone know how to write in?
😆 Boyfriend went out of his way to not mention cats. "Animals are incredible...horses...dogs.." Yeah, we know you hate cats.
Also some parents aren’t mentally mature (like jerry) to have that convo. It would be world war 3 if i tried to talk to my parents about that.
“Rules” Before the engagement of the conversation will help set the tone. And families there’s always a certain dynamic, sometimes that even contains triggers. Before you hit the triggers set the rules of the conversation, and it’s quite possible you guys can make it through it.
Monday the 19th is my birthday, I just turned 19
You can live in an apartment and have a dog. WtF? I took my 15 year old dog to leave with me when I left home . Take your beloved dog with you!
STOP I call my dog roo 😢
I will never understand animal hoarding. It’s never in the benefit of the animals. I pray OP reported their parents to the state.
Get the old dog out of there. One of the siblings should take them to the vet and have her euthanized.
One of you needs to step up. If she's your dog. Take responsibility for her welfare. Do the right thing.
Do you really need Redditt to tell you to be kind??
This is nothing to do with the vid but I hate Verbo ads they’re so annoying hahaha
What's that?
@@hayamirin6795 it’s not in their video! It’s a RUclips ad that I always get before I watch lol
Go Vegan! With the first story, all animals you eat you are paying for them to have worse treatment than this, choose plant based options when accessible💚
No.