Never share with them your success, achievements, goals, dreams, ambitions, secrets, fantasies. They will find a way to sabotage it, discredit you or make you feel bad about it.
I politely asked my Narc not to keep telling me that I have Alzheimer’s (I didn’t and I still don’t). Not only did he continue to do so on a daily basis, but then actually told two of our friends with me sitting there beside him! Needless to say, our friends waited until he went loo and then asked what was wrong with him!
@@srh8897ME TOO! I JUST GOT LEFT AFTER 12 YEARS! HE IS A PORN ADDICT LOOKING AT PORN 24/7, FOR ALMOST 50+ YEARS! I HAD CONFIDED IN HIM EARLY ON THAT I HAD AN ABORTION AT AGE 18. ONE DAY HE STARTED SAYING: THAT'S WHY YOU COLLECT RAGGEDY ANN DOLLS BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY THAT YOU MURDERED YOUR BABY!!
I agree. I dated one briefly and months later, when I saw him at social events a couple of times, I never made eye contact and I pretended he wasn't even there. He was invisible to me. He tried to get my attention (that was funny!) but he just didn't exist.
That's good advice I guess but I'm really confrontational. So the opposite is true for me. Every narc I've ever known tries to avoid me. If they see me accidentally they shit themselves. So obviously I make a point of going over to say hello. Ask them about their lives in front of the 'new' person they are trying to impress. Brutally frank questions about basic lies they have told you usually does the trick. As you can imagine I'm a narcissists worsts nightmare.😄
I am sure you are correct in this. I find, with the narcissist in my life, that it is very difficult tohold a conversation with her, because she almost immediately cuts it off with a testy outburst, which suggests that anything I'm saying is of no interest to her.
i used to block my mother's calls towards the end of her miserable life. i loved getting even that she hated it because it gave me some leverage. She also preyed on me sexually, making her a real jerk.
@@annemarierafferty4160 I hope your daughter is a grown up. Then you can say you've done your bit, and that you're happy she's an independant person. Capable of standing on her own two feet. Practically and financially. How she's making you proud. (By not leeching on her parent(s). Wich is actually doing her a favour ! Even if she doesn't see it that way... Because she might think her perpetual life line is the "Bank of Mummy", among other things... Wich It's not ! Time to cut the cord... You'll need to plan and organize your life for the future. Without her knowing. She's not your accountant I trust ? If not, don't let her think she is... She's not entitled to know about your plans. Harsh, but true. Let her leave the "nest", if she still lives at home with you. You might want to take in a lodger. For company. And safety. You might want to build new friendships. And strenghten your old ones. It's not selfish. It's called survival... All the best ! Love from Norway 👩🦳🇳🇴
I also need to forgive that person because I don't want to hang onto the resentment and anger. I feel that would make me a bitter person. I want to have happiness and peace in between the times of chaos that I know will occur. If I could I would never communicate with that person, but that won't be a possibility for several more years.
Narcissists weaponize everything you tell them and then use it against you. It's akin to handing them the knife they'll stab you with. They're not as good at reading other people as we may think. They're not mind-readers and they're not self aware: they lack introspection. What you don't tell them is powerful. The pleasure in calling them out is fleeting at best and the power you hold by saying nothing is worth far more to you.
When I had to stay with a narcissist for a few days, I used their inability to read people quite effectively. I bs'd him, and told him that I was bsing so he didn't really know what to believe. He was very confused and got very frustrated, and it was honestly hilarious to watch his little brain break.
Exactly THIS! They will often think they are fantastic at reading people or getting people to do what they want through manipulation. They treat people who can anticipate someone else’s needs like they are the mind readers, when really it is just patterns of observation. If you are an empath, or a great anticipater of the people around you, it’s a good sign you are not one of the narcs, and it helps you see the patterns of their behavior to avoid handing them the knife. You might still send a butter knife their way but it’ll hurt way less when it comes back at you. It’s like in school when they tell you not to rise to a bully’s bait because they won’t get what they are looking for and will tire of attacking you. Eventually, you just pity them because all they have to hold on to is that delusional world that only exists in their mind, that thinks that the world is out to get them or that they are the greatest things since sliced bread.
No one ever mentions how incredibly boring narcissists are. They never stop talking about themselves and they are never, ever as interesting as they think they are.
True but be careful. I was involved with a narcissistic person who was very interesting until I figured out it was just a setup so they can impress and use others for their own benefit.
Yes, so true. There is the first wave of being taken in and impressed by the stories, but as the exaggeration, self-promotion and lies are revealed, the constant drone of stuff about themselves becomes incredibly dull. And remember that it's not always about how great they are. A narcissist might not present as thinking how amazing they are - but their pain, suffering and struggle is still more important than anyone elses, and will be talked about ad nauseam. Along with how badly others treat them, of course.
@@OldGreyMulletTest they will use whatever strategy helps them to get to use you. If you're empathetic, they will surely make impression of how difficult their life is just so they can use you.
Alot of narcissistic people like to call other people narcissistic and then pretend to be the victim. It's super twisted. Becareful of these individuals.
Absolutely right! 12 years experience of living that kind of person! Over reactive, no memory, don’t care of future consequences, live oneself,… no word to explain. Not sure how many years more to go😂😂😂
It took me years to know, and only after the supplier moved out. Now, I'm the target. He just had a narcissistic meltdown today. Again. What surprised me was when he told Me that I am a narcissist, and that I'm gaslighting. Wow. Lacey
@@richardknezevic7371me too. I believed everything they said and I really believed I was a narcissist. This was so painful and I’m still recovering, sometimes Im so unsure of myself.
If you have to be around narcissists (not being around them highly preferred); be boring and stay on the surface with “safe”, shallow topics like the weather and food. They don’t need to know your business and you don’t want to know theirs. DISENGAGEMENT is the key thought to remember. They are always looking to hook you in emotionally.
Good grief! Innocuous chat about the weather? Not likely! And food? That just leads to complaints about my inability to produce Michelin star quality meals. Everything is about the Narc or revolves around them, no matter how innocuous you think it is. Instead, my son and I cheerfully engage in conversations that the Narc is welcome to join. Of course, he never does, unless he can make it about himself.
Yes! "Weather" was my mother's no. 1 conversation topic, and she was beautiful, she looked like Elizabeth Taylor, so people would be rapt, listening to her talk.
Confront them in the moment of cheating....then walk away. That's true revenge of letting them know they are garbage and youre telling everyone. Expose them.
@LetsBeHealthy_ Not when they use your beloved children for an evil foster/adoption industry profit. What if they do everything to prevent you from leaving them even if they are not in any relationship with us?
@@clintonnagy1662 Confrontation is useless in betrayals of all kinds. Exposing more effective, yet they can be so dangerous when called out or infuriated.
not easy when its your own parents... the narcissist is my mother and my father is the enabler . they keep guilting me all the time , how i am not loving , and i dont care about aging parents while my cousins are are sooo loving and throwing anniversary and birthday parties for their parents. while i never got any of those as a child ..
1. Don't call them narcissitic. 2. Don't tell them they are gaslighting you! 3. Don't tell them they'll never change. 4. Don't tell them that you don't forgive them, but don' tell them that you do!
I told my self- centered sister that I am living my best life and am happier than I have ever been. She is horrified that I am happy. It’s hard for her. She thinks I don’t deserve happiness. She does but not me. The jealousy of these people….whew.
Me too. I went thru a divorce. AND I'm pretty sure she (a sister) was hoping I'd end up a bag lady... She was so pissed I didn't... And that I won't tell her anything. Ever! She tries to grill my son's too-- except they won't see her either She is evil to me
The present i’ve got from my sister and mother after being discarded by a very abusive and manipulative narc and left with a 2yo son is -> well you see you are so worthless that even child didn’t help you to keep a man.
@@TheJdsb That's awful, I'm sorry that happened to you. Keep your head up and stay strong. I'm coming to a realization that the narcs in out lives can't change. Unless they go to therapy, maybe? But they have to realize that they are the problem....and that's soo difficult with these Narcs. We're the problem they don't see the destruction that is caused onto others by their behaviors. Some people have to go through years to get the strength to stand up to these Narcs so I think God spared you years of pain by having him leave.
Did that to me in check out line yesterday... feel tranquil one moment they wreck it . Religious groups dangerous . Millions of em and all kids . Use kids on ya. Sneeze cough clap at you. Conditioning you plus nice to you. Weirdest crap I ever scene after cops and family narc network.
1/ Never Say To A Narcissist It’s All About You 2/ Never Call A Narcissist A Narcissist 3/ Never Ever Share Good News To A Narcissist 4/ Never Say To A Narcissist Stop Playing The Victim. This Sends Them In A Rage And They Can Become Dangerous!!
True. Mine had never asked forgiveness for anything he's ever done. Because everything he does is justified of course. And he has the flying monkeys to back him up
I'm sitting in a Walmart parking lot in Idaho reading your book...I can't read it at home in fear of my wife seeing it....Wow...I can't put it down...so we'll put together....I want to thank you! My healing has started with every sentence I read....I'm terrified that my name shows here on the comment segment...but I needed to just relate my simple gratitude...thank you...and may today bring you an abundance of happiness...thank you....
You can recover! It's so comforting to see another man taking initiative to escape the grips of a narcissistic female! They're evil and will suck your energy out until there's nothing left of you, I got damn near to that point but just know recovery is possible! 😊 Stay strong!
Forgiving a narcissist… That is like forgiving, a dog for being a dog. It’s pointless, that is their nature, and they are what they are. Likewise, with a narcissist, we must radically accept that is who they are and they can only do what they do so there’s nothing to forgive. When I was married 30 years to my narcissistic husband, I developed a mindset of “No expectation, no disappointments.” it saved a lot of heartache and drama.
@caligirl9403 so happy you only wasted two years on that narc partner of yours! I wasted six... But hey we both learned something in the end so chalk it up to a lesson learned :) If you don't mind me asking, what part of Cali do you live in? I'm in North San Diego myself!
I like the idea of the “slow drift.” It’s the safest way to leave the relationship. It may take much longer than you wish, but it does eventually work. The narcissist loses interest because you offer him nothing and so he has nothing to gain.
Once you take away their supply, they become disinterested because you no longer serve a purpose for them. I like that idea of the "slow drift", too. I'll have to remember that!
Agreed, if you have the good fortune to have your own place, money, job, interests (even though you may have lost interest in those) and can hold them at arms reach a little more at a time it will be easiest and you tend to notice, hey, I feel better the longer I'm away from them. That should've been a big tipoff to me. It wasn't but every time he shouted me down, hung up on me, threw an emotional grenade at me then turned off the phone it got that much easier to simply not respond to communication. How I wish I'd done so before the damage was done.
@@tempestous-i3k YES: living separately--the longer away from him, the BETTER I feel. Physical health improves as the emotional abuse has a hard limit. Emotionally detaching has saved my life.
I think it's important that we forgive them (in our heart not in person or face to face with our narc) so that we don't harvest resentments or our hearts become hardened and bitter from what we endured. We don't have to go to them physically and tell them we forgive them. U do so in your heart to release any negative harboring feelings towards them and so u can move forward & begin to heal. This is just me personally though.
I got tired of sharing good news and her twisting it and turning it into something i needed to defend. Her insecurities couldn't stand hearing me happy
@doxiemomma8207 Exactly! Why did she make happy fun things and good news into something that seems as if its bad? It sucks to have to defend so many innocent actions as if anything was wrong? Is that lousy jealousy? If such people actually loved us, they would want us to be happy, not miserable.
Yea my narc lost her shit. Tried to say I'm projecting by calling her out as projecting 😂 didn't even make sense but definitely not worth the rage and snark that ensued all day
I was 11 in the 5th grade. My teacher taught the class about projection. My mother started calling me all these names & i told her about projection, she really exploded. Might have hit me.
Ya, mine projects his secret mom hatred onto me. He started accusing me of saying all these things. I said um your mom said those things not me.. They are 2 pees in a pod but he also hates her at the same time. They enable each other.
Forgiveness is me forgiving myself for thinking I could survive an unhealthy relationship with individuals who lack in self awareness. Love myself enough to walk away, or gray rock family members. Surround myself with healthy,safe, and kind friends.
5. Never tell a narcissist anything. They don’t deserve access to you at all anymore. Go no contact for your own sanity. I know this bc I went no contact, but then caved & talked to the narc, & I made all 4 of these mistakes. Now I’m emotionally exhausted by his lies & empty promises. Back to no contact, hopefully for good. Thx Dr. R.
@mommaboombam3764 Often, so true. Yet what if they aim to prove that you or their victims are the delusional ones just to hurt us? They often try to prove we are the crazy ones to devalue our credibility. Hell, some went as far as trying to drive us crazy just "make us seem" insane. What's their reason to be unreasonable? Also, how does one stop someone hurtful from acting unreasonably cruel? Why do they try to prove their victims are delusional? Do they just hate happy people or hate unique artsy crafts or do they hate love? Why do they love hurting people? Also, why do they love power & control abuse?
I hope that if youre reading this, that you are ok. It's very difficult after a relationship with a narcissist. The recovery will be challenging. Be kind to and patient with yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Love to all of the survivors
Wow thank you so much and I’ll add that you will feel better, it may take a year or a few of them because what they did to us is cruel and the human mind and heart has to overcome a lot of dishonesty and that’s putting it mildly so be patient and know that one day you will feel BETTER! A lightness will take over and you will feel FREE! Free of the bad that you once needed but now you only need yourself and God
Thank you. Took me 30 years after my father died to finally be at peace with myself. Lots of studying boundaries. Dealing with a friend who can’t see her own issues but blames everyone else. I’m dealing with health issues and don’t need the stress. I’ve stopped making it my problem to make her happy. She is a miserable person and constantly wonders why no one wants to spend time with her.
I must thank the social media and people like Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness. I took 55 years to understand my mother and BIL, who were wrecking our life. After so much of put up with my mother, I completely cut off on 27-08-2023 . I am at peace now. My only regret is about my father, who passed away as a hated person by children (we took care of him but never loved him😢) due to the influence of our mother. It took me 55 years to understand that , my father was a simple caring man but put down by his wife. My apologies Papa, I wish I listen to people like Dr. Ramani when you were alive.
*Literally describes what I’ve been feeling. It’s hard to not feel crazy when you have people tell you they’re so lovely & loyal… they have no idea what this person is like behind closed doors. Love the content it makes me feel less of a bad person for not tolerating the narcissistic abuse*
Don't feel bad. I know how you feel. Everyone who meets my dad thinks he's so great. They never understand why I don't like or trust him. All the more power to you. You got this.
My narc mother said my narc ex dumped me because I was crazy. Dr Ramani is right. Just don't tell them anything. There is nothing one can tell a narcissist in confidence.
My narc mother would do this. Supposedly giving me lessons on how to keep a man. She'd interfere in any relationship I had, when I broke up with them because of it, she'd argue with me & say, - this is the reason why ____ left you. 😄😆I stopped dating until she died. 7 years of me being single, she couldn't stand it, then all of a sudden she wants grandchildren. But at the same time. I wasn't dating, but just on the phone. She's listening to voicemail messages. Running answering the phone before I could & asking questions about the guys that was none of her business. & Didn't like any of them. Then preaching about fornication & possibly being unequally yoked. 🙄😄
@@caligirl9403 So sorry you had to go through that. Yes, most criminals are narcs. And narcs can “fence you in” before you know it. I have a friend who’s in that situation right now. He’s closed her off from just about everyone she knows, but her fear of being alone leaves her friends unable to penetrate what looks to others like a perfectly happy relationship because he “does so much for her.” He’s seen as a “giver” And probably even believes his own b.s. He’s turned her into believing she’s an invalid who can’t live without his “help.” She uses every justification you can think of to defend him, but then whispers her complaints about him to others. It’s very frustrating because she was once a vital, feisty woman who now comes off as a p.in the a. whiner. Nobody wants to hear it any more because nothing changes. And he curries favor with everyone around them., so a lot of people see him as a “saint”. Eye-roll!
I do that to my NPD mother. I never dared to do that for 40 years as it took too long a time to understand what is NPD. Now she is old and I dont live with her, I have the liberty to laugh my heart out to her.
Good advice! Don't try to bargain with the narcissist. Don't argue with them. You absolutely, positively, cannot win, no matter how much you desperately want to or how much effort you put into it.
Dr. Ramani, you are amazing and have helped me so much! Thank you! I am a 50 year old woman who is still afraid of talking to my mother. I began ‘standing up to her’ (that didn’t go well) at age 30 but didn’t get what I was dealing with until my 40s when a therapist literally stood up as I was babbling away about something (unrelated to my mom) and said “Your mother. I think you were raised by a narcissist mother!” At the time, I didn’t even know what the therapist was talking about. And then she helped me some with that and then I found you online and you have been a sort of life line for my sanity in dealing with my mom. Thanks!
@@caligirl9403What’s helped me most, is continually learning from experts about narcissistic abuse and specifically, about adult children of narcissistic mothers. Read: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough…Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers”, by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. Was a game changer for me. Keep learning and healing 😊
My mom is a narc too! Very difficult, and totally managed to poison my siblings against me and brainwash my father. It's sad but there's no changing her
@@gm7011It is sooo sad. I often feel like I’m under her spell even when there are months between texts or calls. If she only knew how much she still affects me. I’ve lived a life of oftentimes second guessing myself. You name the decision to be made and I’ll take forever to make it. Knowing that your own mother’s love is conditional is awful. I feel for everyone out there who is trying to educate…and ‘arm’ themselves, against the narcissist in their life.
@@caligirl9403Aren’t we all blessed to have found Dr Ramani? 😊 At least we know we aren’t imagining things about our narc moms now and that we aren’t alone. Thanks for commenting 😊
@@caligirl9403 wow thank God I got someone in common with me dealing with this! I've been dealing with this for 12 years now with them, and like you said no change. Both siblings are the same, no change whatsoever in 12 years. Father is on their whole side, nothing I do pleases these people, and it's Terrible to have relatives like this but I realized a long time ago I didn't choose them, and that I can scream from the top of mt.everest for them to change and it won't happen. The guilt I dealt with for years about not having a great relationship with my mom came because I have a good heart, not because she did anything to deserve it. Everyone always says it's your mom you can't be like that, they play the mom card, but it's so hard when the maternal figure in your life is a Narc. People don't really realize this, I think someone has to experience it like us in order to fully relate
They absolutely know! That's why they act differently in front of others than they do with us. They want to put on a good front, and they know what they're doing is ugly and wrong.
No, some are NOT aware and think they are PERFECT and it’s the rest of us that are screwed up!! I have a mother who does not realize that she drove her whole family away, including her own parents, because of her strong narcissistic traits She still continues at age 78…
This is a false assumption. There are some who recognize that what they do does not align with the outcomes they expect, but most have a pessimistic view of the world, and think people are out to get them and take them down a peg. No matter what you do, even something kind, their brain will interpret it poorly. Their perception of themselves and others’ reaction to them is flawed, fundamentally. How would they know that?
@jacklynwardlow in the majority of cases, they kind of know what they doing , and that's why they don't do what they do in private in front of others , but maybe there are some that also unaware , it's really hard to tell, but l know predatory type , completely aware of their behaviour and they think the entitled to do whatever they want to do, In the end of day no matter how much they believe on their lias, we should protect ourselves.
I understand bc I didn't do it perfectly either. We do the best we can at the moment. Moving on with our lives and leave it behind is what we can do. 🫂
Realizing that everything they told you that made you fall in love with them was a lie. You fell in love with a lie. So to believe that you can get back that 'feeling' or get back'the way it was' just remember it was never real. You fell in love with a fantasy. What theyve done to you has made you lose precious time that you can never get back. And when your life has passed you by its gone forever.
There was a palpable shift in my world when I realized there was absolutely no potential of having a human-human relationship with my mother or sister. A deep sense of being released. There was no there there.
Same here...I regret not doing it sooner, I now surround myself with people of my own choosing, no longer associating with relationships I was forced into for familial reasons.
I have always stood up for myself, called them out, but recently i recognized what was happening and just got tired and gave up on talking. So much denial. No point in arguing. Goes nowhere. And even though i realize this it makes me sad.❤ Other people's comments helpful along with the video ❤
Narcissistic people rarely change. The biggest danger I’ve faced throughout my life has been in the evangelical church where well meaning pastors tell abused women to just pray for their husbands to change or have God change their hearts. This puts more pressure on the abused spouse and doesn’t put any consequences on the abuser. It’s not biblically based advice and it further abuses by raising false hope or making an abused person feel worse when the change doesn’t come. It’s my opinion you’re dealing with demons and never did Jesus pray for demons! He cast them out and told us clearly to have nothing to do with evil people. I love Christ and the church but I will not sit quietly by while it does more harm than good out of ignorance 💜🙏
Well the point of Christianity is to control people and oppress women. That’s why they told you that.Why would you believe in a religion that tells you that you are inferior and tries oppress you? That makes no sense.
I hate that expectation so much. I recently heard, "We serve a God of resurrection, so he can resurrect your marriage." It's satanic hatred of victims disguised as piety. Jesus and Judas were never reconciled even though Jesus loved Judas perfectly. Judas never repented and Jesus didn't make him. What hope do mere humans have? No repentance, no hope of reconciliation. The end. Now if only these lousy pastors would actually read the Bible they claim to love so much.
I called my ex-wife a narcissist but that was on my way out the door for good! The best thing I ever did was to get out of that marriage. Being married to a narcissist is no picnic! Luckily, I was able to move on and met the love of my life. I have been happily married for 20 years now.
I am a live-in caregiver for my elderly narc mother, and recently got a promotion at work. “Coincidentally,” she began acting up and stressing me out with her petty, controlling BS during an important week of training. The stress of dealing with both her BS and work stress caused me to break down at work on several occasions. My therapist pointed out that my mother was resentful when I wasn’t working because I looked like a lazy child, but is now resentful because I’m working and not available to her 24/7. You literally can’t win with these people. When dad was dying of brain cancer, she would yell at him for his deficits, but everyone thinks my mother is this sweet person. No one believes me. It’s insanity inducing.
I believe you totally, because I have the same experience. ❤ I hope we can free ourselves in a not too distant future. Be strong, don't let those silly complains affect you ❤
Same here! It’s insane how my daughter can convince people of these false realities she creates. She’s always a victim and there’s always a big bad wolf, usually me. People believe her even when the truth is so obvious and they’ve witnessed the truth. It usually lasts about 1-2 years, then the story falls apart, and her “friends” are now terrible people. She disassociates with them but always manages to find new ones who will buy her stories. They love to rescue her from the horrible situations she claims she was forced into because of her hard life, and once again she skates by. These people hate me with a passion and don’t even know me. I get private messages from people I’ve never met, targeting me because of some story she’s told them.
@paulieosheaghan7285 oh my , you told my story. I'm sorry. We must pray for our enemy and ask God for more GRACE, Thankfully and prayerfully we can do all things. Amen
I blocked my inlaws. I can't go without contact bc their son wants some form of connection. Truly the best approach is to pretend they don't exist. It's so much better now they're blocked bc they can't play their games. I also greyrock when i have to spend time with them. I don't allow myself to be alone with them either. Disengagement is truly the best approach.
I hope your husband grows out of this need to kiss their azzes. They clearly twisted his head up. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are a rock star! 🌟
I love the not forgiving someone doesn't mean you can't move on with your relationship. It's not LAW to forgive. You don't HAVE to forgive and forget. Love it.
I don't know about them not realizing they're gaslighters. I believe that they know what they're doing and try to play stupid when they're caught. But confronting them is a waste of time. Believe in yourself.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they know what they're doing. But you're right, confronting them about anything they do is a big waste of time! And it can make things worse, like Dr. Ramani talked about.
@@christinelamb1167I agree, it's difficult to see that they don't know. But she mentioned something like they delude themselves into believing their fantasy? So I don't know. It's honestly utterly exhausting trying to to deal with these people, and I already have pretty bad chronic fatigue... All the best to both of you. Be kind to yourself. These people won't, so we need to make up for it and be kind to ourselves doubly.
The gaslighting, little jabs and cryptic insults, blame gaming,; they know. I made excuses for mine: he's just not very self aware, I don't think he knows what he's doing and that he's hurting the woman he claims to love. When called on it they get angry and even violent. They know.
They really don’t know though, because for them, it is transactional and about control. They have no idea how they are making you feel. They just know, like a toddler throwing a tantrum can learn, that it gets you to do what they want you to do. There is some debate over animal experts on dog memory. What they have come to find out is that dogs remember the rule, but not the incident that created it. I think narcissists are like this. When a person does this, I do this and they stop doing the thing I don’t like. Perhaps malignant narcissists are the ones aware enough to know they have the tools to hurt people with the least amount of desire to not do so, but I’m pretty sure, they think they are always in the right when gaslighting, like the delusional compulsive liar who can pass a polygraph because they truly believe it.
The narcissist I got involved with actually had a NPD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, he told me this quite proudly. When he was leaving, (abandoning me), I told him that I thought he wouldn't be able to travel without me, that he was just not good with foreign travel. That led him to spend the next two years in Mexico! I didn't know about narcissism at the time, I did not research it until after he left, but I definitely said the right thing! I honestly believe that if you ask the person if they are a narcissist, they will tell you, since they think they are so very smart to be as they are. But if you accuse them of it, they will think you are trying to shame them, and fly into a rage. So, same thing, you get the information you need, but one is without the rage.
THANK YOU for saying what you did regarding "forgiveness." For so so long I have believed forgiveness is the abusive person's hall pass back to abusing.
Dr. Ramani, would love some phrases to say to enablers who say things like "why can't you guys make up / get along?" or "He/She has always been nice to me" or "It's sad you've divided our friend group/family"
Sadly, I already did those things years ago. He learned a new word from me one day. It was "Gaslight", and he promptly looked it up. With glee he started saying to me and everyone else that I was gaslighting HIM.
Good news is that he gave you good reason to leave him behind, and anyone foolish enough to not hear your side of the story. Just be careful going forward, make the most of the cards that are already on the table and the one in your deck. Don't piss him off, they can be dangerous!
These temporary changes are tantalizing. It becomes a predictable scripted change. The changes are never sustainable. Thank you Dr. Ramani, Thank you...
1:03 Do not call them a narcissist. 3:24 Don't tell them that they're gaslighting you. 5:46 Don't tell them that you don’t think they can change. 9:26 Don't tell them that you don't forgive them.
Don't tell them that you will leave them. Hide it as best as possible until you can. I am still trying to leave him but working on it as I live in a foreign country.
Thanks for this. I really don’t get why those posting videos titled “N signs/things…” don’t have the courtesy to include chapters or at least a list in the description.
It's so challenging when you realize it's a condition with your own adult child. The one you've loved & cared for & loved all their lives. And how they think it's ok to attack you. Such a difficult challenge.
BINGO!! My daughter spent 23 years narcissistically abusing me before I pulled the plug. I just bottom line got tired of her bullshit & don't care any more.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Que dificil decisión. Pero debes cuidarte y no esperar que los demás cambien. Hay un libro que habla mucho de esa dependencia. porque no te separaste? . Mujeres que aman demasiado. Es un libro muy intenso pero nos hace ser conscientes de cuando no nos estamos ocupando de nosotros. espero te ocupes de ti y salgas de focalizarte en otros tanto. Es un cambio total y muy difícil. que consigas ser feliz y tener esa vida que deseas.
100% me too!! In my experience, I've a medical condition with heightened sex drive & got cheated on despite he made out it would never happen & I was the issue?
If he is not attracted, he is not attracted. That does not make him an narcissist. I am certain you would change the rules if the genders were reversed.
Re the comment on it doesn't make him narcissitic or role reversal on gender attraction/whatever, 100% he's narcissitic as he cheated!! That's just the start
WOW…I sympathise.. Was in a “sexless” narcissistic marriage for 25 years..😩😩😩 Hoping things will change, all for the sake of the children.. Refusing to get help.. Realise now what an idiot I was..should have left 24.5 years ago..
So Brilliant. Your descriptions, examples, and explanations just keep getting better and better! They "change" for five minutes just to "prove you wrong".
Excellent video! I struggled for a year after my ex-best friend flipped out on me and was abusive to me over a few instances. I tried in 3 different calls to talk to her about it in a non-judgement, very calm way and it escalated each time. So, I disengaged and didn't call her, but really wanted to say my truth. I luckily I did not. She later called me a few times, was nasty, manipulative, threatening the relationship was over, she called on my birthday and I was super polite and have not taken the bait any time I ran into her in public or she called. Now, more time has past and it's has been much, much easier. I no longer fret about why I was treated that way or I'd like to say this or that, cause I have rights, etc. I will never call her again, because I know she will never change.
I stayed with a narcissist for a few days. He was all nice in the beginning, but spontaneously flipped to being incredibly mean. He insulted me constantly, invited me to a party only to rescind the invitation with no explanation other than that I was "way too weird" to be seen by his friends. Since I knew he was a narcissist strait off the bat, I got in his head and kept all of the power to myself. I didn't take a word of what he said personally or to heart, only simply said "likewise" or laughed it off. He said things like "I went to Duke University, and you would never have been able to get into the schools I was accepted to, and bragged about how great he was at talking and competing. On the last night, he once again went on a string of attacks, and at the end, flipped the script and accused me of gaslighting him. I laughed, and said "Wow, that is the most blatantly obvious, textbook narcissistic move in the book. Attack and insult someone ruthlessly, and finish the attack off by magically becoming the victim somehow." What happened next I did not expect: He went completely silent and was nice to me for the rest of my time there. My dad, who is also a psychologist, said that sometimes, narcissists can respect people who stand up to them in certain ways. His dad's new wife is a narcissist, and when he stood up to her, made it clear that he was not someone who could be manipulated, she backed down and respected it. To people in a long, manipulative relationship, this is obviously incredibly difficult if not impossible to achieve, as that narcissist likely has a much deeper level of manipulation and attacks and personal knowledge. It might not really be respect as a non-narcissistic person would know it, but as long as you do not believe that this narcissist is now aware of what they were doing wrong, and has somehow changed, it is sometimes possible to get in a narcissistic person's head, at least for a little while. Just don't take anything they say with any credibility, even if it holds some truth. If possible, laugh off their ruthless attacks and don't give them the control that they desperately crave!!! Be safe everybody!
A powerful statement you can say to a narcissist is ~ " How'd you get along with your parents growing up " The narcissist will sense what your trying to do and say " Fine I had a great relationship with them " ( even though you know they experienced trauma and didn't have a good relationship ) Then you can say ~ " I doubt it, I think they knew full well they gave birth to a self centered jerk " Now the RAGE SWITCH has been activated...
"Hello" is the first thing to NOT say to a narcissist. Prevents a lot of unwarranted conversation. Ignore that text or phone call. If that doesn't work share nothing except the weather.
I held on for too long because I saw glimmers of change and therefore had hope. Screenshots of text messages, or a simple, "Really? Is that really what happened?" when gaslighted was my response. Finally, I said, "I forgive you, but I am no longer comfortable with you in my home." And now we are no contact. I am at peace.
Does anyone else feel like Dr. Ramani observes your life and then makes a video about it? The examples she gives are scarily accurate and specific. Dr. Ramani, thank you for the amazing education you are providing. Your new book arrives on my doorstep tomorrow. :-)
So right.!! I told a narcissist( a full blown one), he was Narcissist. Gruesome mistake!! . Reactions were wild. Dont you ever tell a narcissist she/he is narcissist. Worst mistake ever. I told him he was a text book definition of NPD. The reaction is unfathomable. Dr. Ramani is an expert. wow!!!!
Well, I have to differ here. I called a miserable narc a narcissist 3 months ago, and I haven't heard from them since. Mission accomplished. On the other hand, I don't expose my two remaining narcs because I HAVE to continue dealing with, one family, one work, and with those two these principles hold. All gray rock and firewall.
Exactly. Forgiving them for abuse only condones it or rewards it. Saying they are unforgivable doesn't change them or stop them or effect them and it doesn't make them try to be accountable either. It makes no difference to those who are indifferent and incapable of fixing their mistakes. If someone doesn't care, nor has empathy, nor feels remorse, can't even act loving, nor even try to compromise. Forgiveness or not forgiving them doesn't change anything. Does it get them to admit what harms they are guilty of? It's futile whether or not we forgive them, since they don't give a flying f about our feelings of wellbeing either way. They only want us hurting and suffering, so we are vulnerable to their power, control and manipulation over us.
Dr Ramani you’re an incredible counselor and teacher. I am very grateful to you for your videos. I woke up the other morning and said to myself very calmly “I finally understand deep in my soul that this abuse is not my fault and really never had anything to do with me.” This is after 46 years, yes years of counseling. If I could see you as a counselor I wouldn’t hesitate. Thank you!
This is great and right on. The problem is that family court is a substantial enabler of narcissists. It is difficult to impossible to separate and heal from this behavior and protect children from it if our legal system will not allow it when you have children with them. Children grow up with mental health issues when families with narcissism in a parent is present. Family court takes the stance that if the protective parent points out the behavior as abusive, the protective parent is demonized and often loses custody due to "parent alienation" Our ability to live free of this type of abuse is taken away. Child abuse is enabled and so if the mental health therapy community could rally around this issue, it would be a game changer for our kids.
Yep! Don't forget, their accusations are their confessions. The longer you've known this, the more you realise how incredibly true it is. It's a window into their soul and it isn't pretty.
wow, this is honesty really really hard to hear, i taught by calling the person out i was helping her realize her perhaps"unintentional" wrong, and possibly she would finally see it and change, especially seeing that her abusive/manipulative actions are not aligning with the religious values she taught me growing up.... this is really hard to hear, but am glad i now know this...... but why are they like this??
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
![GEEK TIMË [OFFICIAL AUDIO]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ry-6RvkH880/mqdefault.jpg)
Never share with them your success, achievements, goals, dreams, ambitions, secrets, fantasies. They will find a way to sabotage it, discredit you or make you feel bad about it.
100%
Agree 100% !!!
So true !
💯
Narcissism and Misogyny is the same psychological illness
The only thing u can say to a narcissist is goodbye.
Absolutely 💯
Don't even say that much. Just be gone.❤
Touché! ✨👍🏽💯
@@elizedenaemissd9498💯
@@elizedenaemissd9498 Nah, be better than them and show them how mature person handles it.
Never show that your bothered by the things they do because they will do it more.
kinda hard when they are ruining your shit and life
I politely asked my Narc not to keep telling me that I have Alzheimer’s (I didn’t and I still don’t). Not only did he continue to do so on a daily basis, but then actually told two of our friends with me sitting there beside him!
Needless to say, our friends waited until he went loo and then asked what was wrong with him!
@@clogs4956 that's funny! At least you do get understanding from the people around you... My covert narcissist has many flying monkeys.
@@hottew_twat3963acknowledge that you are bothered elsewhere. Just don’t show it to them.
SO true!
Something I noticed about narcissistic people is that they never apologize or take accountability for their actions
And when they do, it's just hollow. It's love bombing. It's hoovering.
NEVER and it's always your fault
Never tell them any of your past , present or future,simple as that.
Doesn't really work. By the time you realise that they are narcissistic, you may have told them everything.
Yup. Learned that the hard way. They will use any and all perceived weaknesses against you
Never share anything private with them as they will use it against you.
What if I already did? Oops
I wish i would’ve read this a long time ago. 😒 saved myself from lots of torment.
@@srh8897ME TOO! I JUST GOT LEFT AFTER 12 YEARS! HE IS A PORN ADDICT LOOKING AT PORN 24/7, FOR ALMOST 50+ YEARS! I HAD CONFIDED IN HIM EARLY ON THAT I HAD AN ABORTION AT AGE 18. ONE DAY HE STARTED SAYING: THAT'S WHY YOU COLLECT RAGGEDY ANN DOLLS BECAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY THAT YOU MURDERED YOUR BABY!!
P S. HE WENT OUT THE DOOR IN A RAGE SCREAMING YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO STOP ME FROM LOOKING AT PORN!
Lesson learned 🙂
If you truly want to keep your distance (if you can), never say anything to a narcissist. Period.
😂😂
I agree. I dated one briefly and months later, when I saw him at social events a couple of times, I never made eye contact and I pretended he wasn't even there. He was invisible to me. He tried to get my attention (that was funny!) but he just didn't exist.
exactly so!
That's good advice I guess but I'm really confrontational. So the opposite is true for me. Every narc I've ever known tries to avoid me. If they see me accidentally they shit themselves. So obviously I make a point of going over to say hello. Ask them about their lives in front of the 'new' person they are trying to impress. Brutally frank questions about basic lies they have told you usually does the trick. As you can imagine I'm a narcissists worsts nightmare.😄
I am sure you are correct in this. I find, with the narcissist in my life, that it is very difficult tohold a conversation with her, because she almost immediately cuts it off with a testy outburst, which suggests that anything I'm saying is of no interest to her.
Stick to the weather and share nothing. Drives them crazy.
Grey rock! Grey rock, Grey rock! Grey rack! Grey rock! If you can't do no contact this is your best option!
Exactly right! Share NOTHING! Anything you share can and will be used against you.
😂
😂😂😂😂. Made my day
i used to block my mother's calls towards the end of her miserable life. i loved getting even that she hated it because it gave me some leverage. She also preyed on me sexually, making her a real jerk.
They can't see their own faults. The more you avoid them, the better you'll feel.
Yes! I'm feeling it!
I don't even answer the phone to my mother some days. I know as soon as I'm on the phone to her for 5 minutes I'm feeling so stressed.
Yes they're never wrong, so why do they need to reflect - there's nothing wrong with them? That's really how my partner is.
How can you avoid them when it is your daughter
@@annemarierafferty4160
I hope your daughter is a grown up.
Then you can say you've done your bit, and that you're happy she's an independant person.
Capable of standing on her own two feet.
Practically and financially.
How she's making you proud. (By not leeching on her parent(s).
Wich is actually doing her a favour !
Even if she doesn't see it that way...
Because she might think her perpetual life line is the "Bank of Mummy", among other things...
Wich It's not !
Time to cut the cord...
You'll need to plan and organize your life for the future.
Without her knowing.
She's not your accountant I trust ?
If not, don't let her think she is...
She's not entitled to know about your plans.
Harsh, but true.
Let her leave the "nest", if she still lives at home with you.
You might want to take in a lodger.
For company.
And safety.
You might want to build new friendships.
And strenghten your old ones.
It's not selfish.
It's called survival...
All the best !
Love from Norway 👩🦳🇳🇴
The forgiveness is for you to forgive yourself for putting up with their crap and abuse. Forgive yourself and walk away.
Thank you
I also need to forgive that person because I don't want to hang onto the resentment and anger. I feel that would make me a bitter person. I want to have happiness and peace in between the times of chaos that I know will occur. If I could I would never communicate with that person, but that won't be a possibility for several more years.
This is so, so hard. Because when I look back, there were red flags I missed.
I’m a fellow Jennifer haha and I did that as well!
@@jaimepepinbenner7252me as well! But at least we’ll have our eyes open extra wide and not let the narcs fool us again
Narcissists look at life as a game and people as chess/checkers pieces.
A game they must win at any cost!
Narcissists play checkers. Sociopaths play chess.
Yep. That’s my father.
And this is why I hate him.
they also think theyre smarter than you
Yes, it is. game or hunting, and what they want is simply just winning that THEY ARE RIGHT.
Narcissists weaponize everything you tell them and then use it against you. It's akin to handing them the knife they'll stab you with. They're not as good at reading other people as we may think. They're not mind-readers and they're not self aware: they lack introspection. What you don't tell them is powerful. The pleasure in calling them out is fleeting at best and the power you hold by saying nothing is worth far more to you.
Well said.
When I had to stay with a narcissist for a few days, I used their inability to read people quite effectively. I bs'd him, and told him that I was bsing so he didn't really know what to believe. He was very confused and got very frustrated, and it was honestly hilarious to watch his little brain break.
This 💯💯💯
Don't play to win. Play to endless stalemates and make them wear themselves out with their own nonsense. It works.
Exactly THIS! They will often think they are fantastic at reading people or getting people to do what they want through manipulation. They treat people who can anticipate someone else’s needs like they are the mind readers, when really it is just patterns of observation. If you are an empath, or a great anticipater of the people around you, it’s a good sign you are not one of the narcs, and it helps you see the patterns of their behavior to avoid handing them the knife. You might still send a butter knife their way but it’ll hurt way less when it comes back at you. It’s like in school when they tell you not to rise to a bully’s bait because they won’t get what they are looking for and will tire of attacking you. Eventually, you just pity them because all they have to hold on to is that delusional world that only exists in their mind, that thinks that the world is out to get them or that they are the greatest things since sliced bread.
NO RESPONSE IS THE BEST RESPONSE!
I avoid them at all costs. Yet if they insist..............
@@jessmason2112
No one ever mentions how incredibly boring narcissists are. They never stop talking about themselves and they are never, ever as interesting as they think they are.
True but be careful. I was involved with a narcissistic person who was very interesting until I figured out it was just a setup so they can impress and use others for their own benefit.
Preach!
exactly boring
Yes, so true. There is the first wave of being taken in and impressed by the stories, but as the exaggeration, self-promotion and lies are revealed, the constant drone of stuff about themselves becomes incredibly dull.
And remember that it's not always about how great they are. A narcissist might not present as thinking how amazing they are - but their pain, suffering and struggle is still more important than anyone elses, and will be talked about ad nauseam. Along with how badly others treat them, of course.
@@OldGreyMulletTest they will use whatever strategy helps them to get to use you. If you're empathetic, they will surely make impression of how difficult their life is just so they can use you.
Alot of narcissistic people like to call other people narcissistic and then pretend to be the victim. It's super twisted. Becareful of these individuals.
This happen to me and i did the narcissistic test and man some of the question shock me,
Absolutely right! 12 years experience of living that kind of person! Over reactive, no memory, don’t care of future consequences, live oneself,… no word to explain. Not sure how many years more to go😂😂😂
It took me years to know, and only after the supplier moved out. Now, I'm the target. He just had a narcissistic meltdown today. Again. What surprised me was when he told Me that I am a narcissist, and that I'm gaslighting. Wow. Lacey
@@richardknezevic7371me too. I believed everything they said and I really believed I was a narcissist. This was so painful and I’m still recovering, sometimes Im so unsure of myself.
You hit the nail in the head.
If you have to be around narcissists (not being around them highly preferred); be boring and stay on the surface with “safe”, shallow topics like the weather and food. They don’t need to know your business and you don’t want to know theirs. DISENGAGEMENT is the key thought to remember. They are always looking to hook you in emotionally.
yes! .
💯 agreed.
Good grief! Innocuous chat about the weather? Not likely! And food? That just leads to complaints about my inability to produce Michelin star quality meals.
Everything is about the Narc or revolves around them, no matter how innocuous you think it is.
Instead, my son and I cheerfully engage in conversations that the Narc is welcome to join. Of course, he never does, unless he can make it about himself.
Bingo!
Yes! "Weather" was my mother's no. 1 conversation topic, and she was beautiful, she looked like Elizabeth Taylor, so people would be rapt, listening to her talk.
Once you get to the point where you don't care about the fact that the narcissist NEVER cared, then you are healed.
Hard when it's your mom, or someone that was supposed to care. But I agree. Getting there slowly.
BINGO
Ooh I love this!! Thank you!! I need all the help/strength I can get atm
Wht if it's ur closest relation.. thn how can u say good bye to them..
@@EducatorNehaMalik You don't say good bye to them, you say good bye to the unbearable pain that they've caused you.
The only way to defeat a narcissist is to leave them and never look back.
Confront them in the moment of cheating....then walk away. That's true revenge of letting them know they are garbage and youre telling everyone. Expose them.
@LetsBeHealthy_
Not when they use your beloved children for an evil foster/adoption industry profit. What if they do everything to prevent you from leaving them even if they are not in any relationship with us?
@@clintonnagy1662 Confrontation is useless in betrayals of all kinds. Exposing more effective, yet they can be so dangerous when called out or infuriated.
That is easy said and done if the narcist is your daughter and mother of your new born grandchild that you did not see.
not easy when its your own parents... the narcissist is my mother and my father is the enabler . they keep guilting me all the time , how i am not loving , and i dont care about aging parents while my cousins are are sooo loving and throwing anniversary and birthday parties for their parents. while i never got any of those as a child ..
1. Don't call them narcissitic.
2. Don't tell them they are gaslighting you!
3. Don't tell them they'll never change.
4. Don't tell them that you don't forgive them, but don' tell them that you do!
My husband said gaslighting isn't real 😂 text book narcissist
@@InHisImage999 And a textbook gaslight remark!😂
I said 3 and gone no contact.
Wow!!
So basically you can't tell them anything
"No gaslighter thinks they are gaslighting" thank you for this
🐩 or 🐼 do not know they are being named as DOGS or PANDAS..Period..
I told my self- centered sister that I am living my best life and am happier than I have ever been. She is horrified that I am happy. It’s hard for her. She thinks I don’t deserve happiness. She does but not me. The jealousy of these people….whew.
Me too. I went thru a divorce. AND I'm pretty sure she (a sister) was hoping I'd end up a bag lady... She was so pissed I didn't... And that I won't tell her anything. Ever! She tries to grill my son's too-- except they won't see her either She is evil to me
My mother is the same way, horrified that I am happy. It's hard for her too!
The present i’ve got from my sister and mother after being discarded by a very abusive and manipulative narc and left with a 2yo son is -> well you see you are so worthless that even child didn’t help you to keep a man.
@@TheJdsb That's awful, I'm sorry that happened to you. Keep your head up and stay strong. I'm coming to a realization that the narcs in out lives can't change. Unless they go to therapy, maybe? But they have to realize that they are the problem....and that's soo difficult with these Narcs. We're the problem they don't see the destruction that is caused onto others by their behaviors. Some people have to go through years to get the strength to stand up to these Narcs so I think God spared you years of pain by having him leave.
My MIL-she's exactly the same
Don’t teach them how to push your buttons. If they know where your buttons are, they will push them.
Amen❤
He would say that I escalated arguments and that I knew just which buttons to press. I soon realised this was pure projection...
Did that to me in check out line yesterday... feel tranquil one moment they wreck it . Religious groups dangerous . Millions of em and all kids . Use kids on ya. Sneeze cough clap at you. Conditioning you plus nice to you. Weirdest crap I ever scene after cops and family narc network.
I made that mistake
1/ Never Say To A Narcissist It’s All About You
2/ Never Call A Narcissist A Narcissist
3/ Never Ever Share Good News To A Narcissist
4/ Never Say To A Narcissist Stop Playing The Victim.
This Sends Them In A Rage And They Can Become Dangerous!!
1000 percent
Anger is their *Justification
@@sallyjaynes2433 Absolutely
Narcissism and Misogyny is the same psychological illness
@leighleigh8725 That's their 'insecurity' - absolute
He won't even ask for forgiveness. He's done nothing wrong
And he won't apologize, he did nothing wrong
💯 ✔️
True
❤100% correct!
True. Mine had never asked forgiveness for anything he's ever done. Because everything he does is justified of course. And he has the flying monkeys to back him up
I'm sitting in a Walmart parking lot in Idaho reading your book...I can't read it at home in fear of my wife seeing it....Wow...I can't put it down...so we'll put together....I want to thank you! My healing has started with every sentence I read....I'm terrified that my name shows here on the comment segment...but I needed to just relate my simple gratitude...thank you...and may today bring you an abundance of happiness...thank you....
So proud of you for getting the book and taking the risk! You are stronger than you realize.
Get a new youtube account so you can post freely.
To protect yourself, don't use your real name in social media comment sections.
I have to do the same. Just keep doing it…for YOUR sanity.
You can recover! It's so comforting to see another man taking initiative to escape the grips of a narcissistic female! They're evil and will suck your energy out until there's nothing left of you, I got damn near to that point but just know recovery is possible! 😊 Stay strong!
Forgiving a narcissist… That is like forgiving, a dog for being a dog. It’s pointless, that is their nature, and they are what they are. Likewise, with a narcissist, we must radically accept that is who they are and they can only do what they do so there’s nothing to forgive. When I was married 30 years to my narcissistic husband, I developed a mindset of “No expectation, no disappointments.” it saved a lot of heartache and drama.
Totally agree!
So well said!
Perfectly said!
You don't need to change a narcissist. You do deserve to be in a relationship where you are valued if you want a relationship
@caligirl9403 so happy you only wasted two years on that narc partner of yours! I wasted six... But hey we both learned something in the end so chalk it up to a lesson learned :) If you don't mind me asking, what part of Cali do you live in? I'm in North San Diego myself!
Be a little mysterious; will drive them nuts.
I like the idea of the “slow drift.” It’s the safest way to leave the relationship. It may take much longer than you wish, but it does eventually work. The narcissist loses interest because you offer him nothing and so he has nothing to gain.
Once you take away their supply, they become disinterested because you no longer serve a purpose for them. I like that idea of the "slow drift", too. I'll have to remember that!
Agreed, if you have the good fortune to have your own place, money, job, interests (even though you may have lost interest in those) and can hold them at arms reach a little more at a time it will be easiest and you tend to notice, hey, I feel better the longer I'm away from them. That should've been a big tipoff to me. It wasn't but every time he shouted me down, hung up on me, threw an emotional grenade at me then turned off the phone it got that much easier to simply not respond to communication. How I wish I'd done so before the damage was done.
@@tempestous-i3k YES: living separately--the longer away from him, the BETTER I feel. Physical health improves as the emotional abuse has a hard limit. Emotionally detaching has saved my life.
If only the drift and fade were that simple. Narcissistic injury is real and will have the last, hateful and harsh, word.
My plan exactly. Once I get my disability, he will come in one day and I WILL BE GONE!! 🙌
When I heard the name tag and learned about 'narcissism', that was the beginning of my healing and that i wasn't crazy!
Same case with me also... Can I contact you? If yes then how?
I agree when I finally figured out that my spouse is narasstic it made me feel better and a closer
Thank you for stating we do not have to forgive. I do not forgive people who purposely harm me emotionally.
same
I think it's important that we forgive them (in our heart not in person or face to face with our narc) so that we don't harvest resentments or our hearts become hardened and bitter from what we endured. We don't have to go to them physically and tell them we forgive them. U do so in your heart to release any negative harboring feelings towards them and so u can move forward & begin to heal. This is just me personally though.
@@rikkijillcrain8992 everyone is entitled to their opinions
... Bless them .. Release them to their highest good.
The fifth thing to never tell a narcissist, is that the 1.62M of us are planning to form our own little country.
Hey 👋🏻
@@daykibaran9668Hey 👋
Our not are
@@stefaniweiss2077 oops, I me sorry 😅
Good one! 😊
I got tired of sharing good news and her twisting it and turning it into something i needed to defend. Her insecurities couldn't stand hearing me happy
@doxiemomma8207
Exactly! Why did she make happy fun things and good news into something that seems as if its bad? It sucks to have to defend so many innocent actions as if anything was wrong? Is that lousy jealousy? If such people actually loved us, they would want us to be happy, not miserable.
I made the mistake (once) of pointing out he was projecting. The hostile response was shocking.
Done the same thing. Backfired? Crowned myself as queen of all errors....
Yea my narc lost her shit. Tried to say I'm projecting by calling her out as projecting 😂 didn't even make sense but definitely not worth the rage and snark that ensued all day
I was 11 in the 5th grade. My teacher taught the class about projection. My mother started calling me all these names & i told her about projection, she really exploded. Might have hit me.
Ya, mine projects his secret mom hatred onto me. He started accusing me of saying all these things. I said um your mom said those things not me.. They are 2 pees in a pod but he also hates her at the same time. They enable each other.
Forgiveness is me forgiving myself for thinking I could survive an unhealthy relationship with individuals who lack in self awareness. Love myself enough to walk away, or gray rock family members. Surround myself with healthy,safe, and kind friends.
Avoiding them is the best solution
5. Never tell a narcissist anything. They don’t deserve access to you at all anymore. Go no contact for your own sanity. I know this bc I went no contact, but then caved & talked to the narc, & I made all 4 of these mistakes. Now I’m emotionally exhausted by his lies & empty promises. Back to no contact, hopefully for good. Thx Dr. R.
Definitely don't let them know anything you are scared of! Nothing! Mine takes full advantage of that.
You cant reason with delusional thinking. BINGO,!Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@mommaboombam3764 Often, so true. Yet what if they aim to prove that you or their victims are the delusional ones just to hurt us? They often try to prove we are the crazy ones to devalue our credibility. Hell, some went as far as trying to drive us crazy just "make us seem" insane. What's their reason to be unreasonable? Also, how does one stop someone hurtful from acting unreasonably cruel? Why do they try to prove their victims are delusional? Do they just hate happy people or hate unique artsy crafts or do they hate love? Why do they love hurting people? Also, why do they love power & control abuse?
I hope that if youre reading this, that you are ok. It's very difficult after a relationship with a narcissist. The recovery will be challenging. Be kind to and patient with yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Love to all of the survivors
Wow thank you so much and I’ll add that you will feel better, it may take a year or a few of them because what they did to us is cruel and the human mind and heart has to overcome a lot of dishonesty and that’s putting it mildly so be patient and know that one day you will feel BETTER! A lightness will take over and you will feel FREE! Free of the bad that you once needed but now you only need yourself and God
Thank you. Took me 30 years after my father died to finally be at peace with myself. Lots of studying boundaries. Dealing with a friend who can’t see her own issues but blames everyone else. I’m dealing with health issues and don’t need the stress. I’ve stopped making it my problem to make her happy. She is a miserable person and constantly wonders why no one wants to spend time with her.
I wanted to kill myself after my son told me I'm dead to him!
Thank you❤
I'm there right now...
When I stopped forgiving him is when I was able to leave.
I must thank the social media and people like Dr. Ramani for spreading awareness. I took 55 years to understand my mother and BIL, who were wrecking our life.
After so much of put up with my mother, I completely cut off on 27-08-2023 . I am at peace now. My only regret is about my father, who passed away as a hated person by children (we took care of him but never loved him😢) due to the influence of our mother. It took me 55 years to understand that , my father was a simple caring man but put down by his wife.
My apologies Papa, I wish I listen to people like Dr. Ramani when you were alive.
*Literally describes what I’ve been feeling. It’s hard to not feel crazy when you have people tell you they’re so lovely & loyal… they have no idea what this person is like behind closed doors. Love the content it makes me feel less of a bad person for not tolerating the narcissistic abuse*
Just keep being you ❤
Don't feel bad. I know how you feel. Everyone who meets my dad thinks he's so great. They never understand why I don't like or trust him. All the more power to you. You got this.
My narc mother said my narc ex dumped me because I was crazy. Dr Ramani is right. Just don't tell them anything. There is nothing one can tell a narcissist in confidence.
My narc mother would do this. Supposedly giving me lessons on how to keep a man. She'd interfere in any relationship I had, when I broke up with them because of it, she'd argue with me & say, - this is the reason why ____ left you. 😄😆I stopped dating until she died. 7 years of me being single, she couldn't stand it, then all of a sudden she wants grandchildren. But at the same time. I wasn't dating, but just on the phone. She's listening to voicemail messages. Running answering the phone before I could & asking questions about the guys that was none of her business. & Didn't like any of them. Then preaching about fornication & possibly being unequally yoked. 🙄😄
My narc mother would do the same thing. She'd goad me into breaking up with them & when she'd argue with me, she'd say, that's why he left you. 😆🤣
Just a thought: laugh at them. And keep laughing. They’ll become enraged, and leave. 😊 It’s a win win for you because laughter is good for you.
- Be fully prepared for the enragement though! 😅
Only do that if you enjoy drama, or are moving far away and never coming back.
@@caligirl9403 So sorry you had to go through that. Yes, most criminals are narcs. And narcs can “fence you in” before you know it. I have a friend who’s in that situation right now. He’s closed her off from just about everyone she knows, but her fear of being alone leaves her friends unable to penetrate what looks to others like a perfectly happy relationship because he “does so much for her.” He’s seen as a “giver” And probably even believes his own b.s. He’s turned her into believing she’s an invalid who can’t live without his “help.” She uses every justification you can think of to defend him, but then whispers her complaints about him to others. It’s very frustrating because she was once a vital, feisty woman who now comes off as a p.in the a. whiner. Nobody wants to hear it any more because nothing changes. And he curries favor with everyone around them., so a lot of people see him as a “saint”. Eye-roll!
I do that to my NPD mother. I never dared to do that for 40 years as it took too long a time to understand what is NPD. Now she is old and I dont live with her, I have the liberty to laugh my heart out to her.
@@studio107bgallery4 I've been physically hurt before for laughing at how ridiculous the specific DARVO was. I stopped laughing real quick.
Good advice!
Don't try to bargain with the narcissist. Don't argue with them. You absolutely, positively, cannot win, no matter how much you desperately want to or how much effort you put into it.
I learned the hard way to never let them know your vulnerabilities.
Me too
Dr. Ramani, you are amazing and have helped me so much! Thank you! I am a 50 year old woman who is still afraid of talking to my mother. I began ‘standing up to her’ (that didn’t go well) at age 30 but didn’t get what I was dealing with until my 40s when a therapist literally stood up as I was babbling away about something (unrelated to my mom) and said “Your mother. I think you were raised by a narcissist mother!” At the time, I didn’t even know what the therapist was talking about. And then she helped me some with that and then I found you online and you have been a sort of life line for my sanity in dealing with my mom. Thanks!
@@caligirl9403What’s helped me most, is continually learning from experts about narcissistic abuse and specifically, about adult children of narcissistic mothers. Read: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough…Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers”, by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. Was a game changer for me. Keep learning and healing 😊
My mom is a narc too! Very difficult, and totally managed to poison my siblings against me and brainwash my father. It's sad but there's no changing her
@@gm7011It is sooo sad. I often feel like I’m under her spell even when there are months between texts or calls. If she only knew how much she still affects me. I’ve lived a life of oftentimes second guessing myself. You name the decision to be made and I’ll take forever to make it. Knowing that your own mother’s love is conditional is awful. I feel for everyone out there who is trying to educate…and ‘arm’ themselves, against the narcissist in their life.
@@caligirl9403Aren’t we all blessed to have found Dr Ramani? 😊 At least we know we aren’t imagining things about our narc moms now and that we aren’t alone. Thanks for commenting 😊
@@caligirl9403 wow thank God I got someone in common with me dealing with this! I've been dealing with this for 12 years now with them, and like you said no change. Both siblings are the same, no change whatsoever in 12 years. Father is on their whole side, nothing I do pleases these people, and it's Terrible to have relatives like this but I realized a long time ago I didn't choose them, and that I can scream from the top of mt.everest for them to change and it won't happen. The guilt I dealt with for years about not having a great relationship with my mom came because I have a good heart, not because she did anything to deserve it. Everyone always says it's your mom you can't be like that, they play the mom card, but it's so hard when the maternal figure in your life is a Narc. People don't really realize this, I think someone has to experience it like us in order to fully relate
Narcissists know what they doing is wrong
They absolutely know! That's why they act differently in front of others than they do with us. They want to put on a good front, and they know what they're doing is ugly and wrong.
They are aware of what they are. They don't like being exposed.
No, some are NOT aware and think they are PERFECT and it’s the rest of us that are screwed up!! I have a mother who does not realize that she drove her whole family away, including her own parents, because of her strong narcissistic traits She still continues at age 78…
This is a false assumption. There are some who recognize that what they do does not align with the outcomes they expect, but most have a pessimistic view of the world, and think people are out to get them and take them down a peg. No matter what you do, even something kind, their brain will interpret it poorly. Their perception of themselves and others’ reaction to them is flawed, fundamentally. How would they know that?
@jacklynwardlow in the majority of cases, they kind of know what they doing , and that's why they don't do what they do in private in front of others , but maybe there are some that also unaware , it's really hard to tell, but l know predatory type , completely aware of their behaviour and they think the entitled to do whatever they want to do, In the end of day no matter how much they believe on their lias, we should protect ourselves.
I said all the wrong things. And it was an epic disaster. You are amazing Dr. R
It took me a few years to figure this out. The worst time of my life.
I understand bc I didn't do it perfectly either. We do the best we can at the moment. Moving on with our lives and leave it behind is what we can do. 🫂
Same, same....
Thank YOU for saying forgiveness is not necessary to heal. I've done it and been burnt.
We are all in the same game
Just different levels
Dealing with the same hell
Just different devils
Realizing that everything they told you that made you fall in love with them was a lie. You fell in love with a lie. So to believe that you can get back that 'feeling' or get back'the way it was' just remember it was never real. You fell in love with a fantasy. What theyve done to you has made you lose precious time that you can never get back. And when your life has passed you by its gone forever.
So sad and true. You can never "get back the way it was", because it ever "was" in the first place!
Relate 💯 😔
I love that statement; it makes so much sense in who they are. "Don't go to the empty well, you will never get water."
I did it, I told them😅. It came back exactly like you said😳
Me too. Sorry. For some reason I'm laughing. You think they are going to care, instead they push the nuclear button.
There was a palpable shift in my world when I realized there was absolutely no potential of having a human-human relationship with my mother or sister. A deep sense of being released. There was no there there.
Same here...I regret not doing it sooner, I now surround myself with people of my own choosing, no longer associating with relationships I was forced into for familial reasons.
I have always stood up for myself, called them out, but recently i recognized what was happening and just got tired and gave up on talking. So much denial. No point in arguing. Goes nowhere. And even though i realize this it makes me sad.❤ Other people's comments helpful along with the video ❤
They have a rigid personality style which is not good for any kind of relationships , or any kind of conversations
This
I have the duty to save myself first.
Yes! I love this sentiment
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
Don’t share anything with a narcissist apart from talking about the weather 😊 actually, it’s better not to 😊 thank you dr Ramani ❤
The best is to NOT say anything to them and just talk about the weather😂
True😂
Good one 😂
"Being creepy nice..." YES!!! Just for enough time to 'smooth' things over...
Narcissistic people rarely change. The biggest danger I’ve faced throughout my life has been in the evangelical church where well meaning pastors tell abused women to just pray for their husbands to change or have God change their hearts. This puts more pressure on the abused spouse and doesn’t put any consequences on the abuser. It’s not biblically based advice and it further abuses by raising false hope or making an abused person feel worse when the change doesn’t come. It’s my opinion you’re dealing with demons and never did Jesus pray for demons! He cast them out and told us clearly to have nothing to do with evil people. I love Christ and the church but I will not sit quietly by while it does more harm than good out of ignorance 💜🙏
You are spot on! We are to have nothing to do with evil, this is what Jesus Himself told us.
Well the point of Christianity is to control people and oppress women. That’s why they told you that.Why would you believe in a religion that tells you that you are inferior and tries oppress you? That makes no sense.
amen sister!
Amen!🙏
I hate that expectation so much. I recently heard, "We serve a God of resurrection, so he can resurrect your marriage." It's satanic hatred of victims disguised as piety.
Jesus and Judas were never reconciled even though Jesus loved Judas perfectly. Judas never repented and Jesus didn't make him. What hope do mere humans have? No repentance, no hope of reconciliation. The end.
Now if only these lousy pastors would actually read the Bible they claim to love so much.
I wish I had known this many years ago. You are so right.
“Get a book (I know one)…tell your cat…” 😂😂😂❤❤❤❤❤ you made me smile and chuckle.
Me too
I called my ex-wife a narcissist but that was on my way out the door for good! The best thing I ever did was to get out of that marriage. Being married to a narcissist is no picnic! Luckily, I was able to move on and met the love of my life. I have been happily married for 20 years now.
I am a live-in caregiver for my elderly narc mother, and recently got a promotion at work. “Coincidentally,” she began acting up and stressing me out with her petty, controlling BS during an important week of training. The stress of dealing with both her BS and work stress caused me to break down at work on several occasions. My therapist pointed out that my mother was resentful when I wasn’t working because I looked like a lazy child, but is now resentful because I’m working and not available to her 24/7. You literally can’t win with these people. When dad was dying of brain cancer, she would yell at him for his deficits, but everyone thinks my mother is this sweet person. No one believes me. It’s insanity inducing.
I believe you totally, because I have the same experience. ❤ I hope we can free ourselves in a not too distant future. Be strong, don't let those silly complains affect you ❤
I absolutely believe you .
I believe you. People say the same thing about my dad.
Same here! It’s insane how my daughter can convince people of these false realities she creates. She’s always a victim and there’s always a big bad wolf, usually me. People believe her even when the truth is so obvious and they’ve witnessed the truth. It usually lasts about 1-2 years, then the story falls apart, and her “friends” are now terrible people. She disassociates with them but always manages to find new ones who will buy her stories. They love to rescue her from the horrible situations she claims she was forced into because of her hard life, and once again she skates by. These people hate me with a passion and don’t even know me. I get private messages from people I’ve never met, targeting me because of some story she’s told them.
@paulieosheaghan7285 oh my , you told my story. I'm sorry. We must pray for our enemy and ask God for more GRACE, Thankfully and prayerfully we can do all things.
Amen
Don’t send them articles about gaslighting either apparently 😂🙈 thanks doc for everything you do!
I blocked my inlaws. I can't go without contact bc their son wants some form of connection. Truly the best approach is to pretend they don't exist. It's so much better now they're blocked bc they can't play their games. I also greyrock when i have to spend time with them. I don't allow myself to be alone with them either. Disengagement is truly the best approach.
I hope your husband grows out of this need to kiss their azzes. They clearly twisted his head up. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You are a rock star! 🌟
Trying to get water from an empty well ❤
I love the not forgiving someone doesn't mean you can't move on with your relationship. It's not LAW to forgive. You don't HAVE to forgive and forget. Love it.
ideally learn to not take the bait from them.
I don't know about them not realizing they're gaslighters. I believe
that they know what they're doing and try to play stupid when they're
caught. But confronting them is a waste of time. Believe in yourself.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure they know what they're doing. But you're right, confronting them about anything they do is a big waste of time! And it can make things worse, like Dr. Ramani talked about.
@@christinelamb1167I agree, it's difficult to see that they don't know. But she mentioned something like they delude themselves into believing their fantasy? So I don't know.
It's honestly utterly exhausting trying to to deal with these people, and I already have pretty bad chronic fatigue...
All the best to both of you. Be kind to yourself. These people won't, so we need to make up for it and be kind to ourselves doubly.
@@katyb2793 Big hugs to you! 🤗
The gaslighting, little jabs and cryptic insults, blame gaming,; they know. I made excuses for mine: he's just not very self aware, I don't think he knows what he's doing and that he's hurting the woman he claims to love. When called on it they get angry and even violent. They know.
They really don’t know though, because for them, it is transactional and about control. They have no idea how they are making you feel. They just know, like a toddler throwing a tantrum can learn, that it gets you to do what they want you to do. There is some debate over animal experts on dog memory. What they have come to find out is that dogs remember the rule, but not the incident that created it. I think narcissists are like this. When a person does this, I do this and they stop doing the thing I don’t like. Perhaps malignant narcissists are the ones aware enough to know they have the tools to hurt people with the least amount of desire to not do so, but I’m pretty sure, they think they are always in the right when gaslighting, like the delusional compulsive liar who can pass a polygraph because they truly believe it.
The narcissist I got involved with actually had a NPD diagnosis from a psychiatrist, he told me this quite proudly. When he was leaving, (abandoning me), I told him that I thought he wouldn't be able to travel without me, that he was just not good with foreign travel. That led him to spend the next two years in Mexico! I didn't know about narcissism at the time, I did not research it until after he left, but I definitely said the right thing! I honestly believe that if you ask the person if they are a narcissist, they will tell you, since they think they are so very smart to be as they are. But if you accuse them of it, they will think you are trying to shame them, and fly into a rage. So, same thing, you get the information you need, but one is without the rage.
You are so knowledgeable Dear Dr. Ramani. Thank you for helping silently crying people.
THANK YOU for saying what you did regarding "forgiveness." For so so long I have believed forgiveness is the abusive person's hall pass back to abusing.
Dr. Ramani, would love some phrases to say to enablers who say things like "why can't you guys make up / get along?" or "He/She has always been nice to me" or "It's sad you've divided our friend group/family"
"I'm happy you don't know the real them and I hope you never will."
Sadly, I already did those things years ago. He learned a new word from me one day. It was "Gaslight", and he promptly looked it up. With glee he started saying to me and everyone else that I was gaslighting HIM.
Good news is that he gave you good reason to leave him behind, and anyone foolish enough to not hear your side of the story. Just be careful going forward, make the most of the cards that are already on the table and the one in your deck. Don't piss him off, they can be dangerous!
These temporary changes are tantalizing. It becomes a predictable scripted change. The changes are never sustainable. Thank you Dr. Ramani, Thank you...
1:03 Do not call them a narcissist.
3:24 Don't tell them that they're gaslighting you.
5:46 Don't tell them that you don’t think they can change.
9:26 Don't tell them that you don't forgive them.
Trust me, Don’t do it, cause it just gets worst.
Once INFJ does the door slam on this bs life is better.
Don't tell them that you will leave them. Hide it as best as possible until you can. I am still trying to leave him but working on it as I live in a foreign country.
Thanks. Sometimes all we need is a memo.
Thanks for this. I really don’t get why those posting videos titled “N signs/things…” don’t have the courtesy to include chapters or at least a list in the description.
It's so challenging when you realize it's a condition with your own adult child. The one you've loved & cared for & loved all their lives. And how they think it's ok to attack you. Such a difficult challenge.
*hugs*
BINGO!! My daughter spent 23 years narcissistically abusing me before I pulled the plug. I just bottom line got tired of her bullshit & don't care any more.
No, sorry. It usually stems from childhood, their upbringing and your parenting style whether you want to admit it or not.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Que dificil decisión. Pero debes cuidarte y no esperar que los demás cambien.
Hay un libro que habla mucho de esa dependencia. porque no te separaste? . Mujeres que aman demasiado. Es un libro muy intenso pero nos hace ser conscientes de cuando no nos estamos ocupando de nosotros. espero te ocupes de ti y salgas de focalizarte en otros tanto. Es un cambio total y muy difícil. que consigas ser feliz y tener esa vida que deseas.
100% me too!! In my experience, I've a medical condition with heightened sex drive & got cheated on despite he made out it would never happen & I was the issue?
If he is not attracted, he is not attracted. That does not make him an narcissist. I am certain you would change the rules if the genders were reversed.
Re the comment on it doesn't make him narcissitic or role reversal on gender attraction/whatever, 100% he's narcissitic as he cheated!! That's just the start
WOW…I sympathise..
Was in a “sexless” narcissistic marriage for 25 years..😩😩😩
Hoping things will change, all for the sake of the children..
Refusing to get help..
Realise now what an idiot I was..should have left 24.5 years ago..
So Brilliant. Your descriptions, examples, and explanations just keep getting better and better! They "change" for five minutes just to "prove you wrong".
Excellent video! I struggled for a year after my ex-best friend flipped out on me and was abusive to me over a few instances. I tried in 3 different calls to talk to her about it in a non-judgement, very calm way and it escalated each time. So, I disengaged and didn't call her, but really wanted to say my truth. I luckily I did not. She later called me a few times, was nasty, manipulative, threatening the relationship was over, she called on my birthday and I was super polite and have not taken the bait any time I ran into her in public or she called. Now, more time has past and it's has been much, much easier. I no longer fret about why I was treated that way or I'd like to say this or that, cause I have rights, etc. I will never call her again, because I know she will never change.
I stayed with a narcissist for a few days. He was all nice in the beginning, but spontaneously flipped to being incredibly mean. He insulted me constantly, invited me to a party only to rescind the invitation with no explanation other than that I was "way too weird" to be seen by his friends. Since I knew he was a narcissist strait off the bat, I got in his head and kept all of the power to myself. I didn't take a word of what he said personally or to heart, only simply said "likewise" or laughed it off. He said things like "I went to Duke University, and you would never have been able to get into the schools I was accepted to, and bragged about how great he was at talking and competing.
On the last night, he once again went on a string of attacks, and at the end, flipped the script and accused me of gaslighting him. I laughed, and said "Wow, that is the most blatantly obvious, textbook narcissistic move in the book. Attack and insult someone ruthlessly, and finish the attack off by magically becoming the victim somehow." What happened next I did not expect: He went completely silent and was nice to me for the rest of my time there.
My dad, who is also a psychologist, said that sometimes, narcissists can respect people who stand up to them in certain ways. His dad's new wife is a narcissist, and when he stood up to her, made it clear that he was not someone who could be manipulated, she backed down and respected it. To people in a long, manipulative relationship, this is obviously incredibly difficult if not impossible to achieve, as that narcissist likely has a much deeper level of manipulation and attacks and personal knowledge. It might not really be respect as a non-narcissistic person would know it, but as long as you do not believe that this narcissist is now aware of what they were doing wrong, and has somehow changed, it is sometimes possible to get in a narcissistic person's head, at least for a little while. Just don't take anything they say with any credibility, even if it holds some truth. If possible, laugh off their ruthless attacks and don't give them the control that they desperately crave!!! Be safe everybody!
A powerful statement you can say to a narcissist is ~ " How'd you get along with your parents growing up " The narcissist will sense what your trying to do and say " Fine I had a great relationship with them " ( even though you know they experienced trauma and didn't have a good relationship ) Then you can say ~ " I doubt it, I think they knew full well they gave birth to a self centered jerk " Now the RAGE SWITCH has been activated...
Thankyou Dr Ramani you know all their tricks so well- the more you reveal to the narcissist the sneakier they get, the more subtle their abuse.
No contact! No contact! Stay far away from these people!
"Hello" is the first thing to NOT say to a narcissist. Prevents a lot of unwarranted conversation. Ignore that text or phone call. If that doesn't work share nothing except the weather.
I held on for too long because I saw glimmers of change and therefore had hope. Screenshots of text messages, or a simple, "Really? Is that really what happened?" when gaslighted was my response. Finally, I said, "I forgive you, but I am no longer comfortable with you in my home." And now we are no contact. I am at peace.
Never share the sorrows and hurts of your heart. They are devoid of empathy and will tell you you are such a victim.
This video is honestly all about me ....i did all this n In return he said same things....
It took me 12 years to understand
Does anyone else feel like Dr. Ramani observes your life and then makes a video about it? The examples she gives are scarily accurate and specific. Dr. Ramani, thank you for the amazing education you are providing. Your new book arrives on my doorstep tomorrow. :-)
So right.!! I told a narcissist( a full blown one), he was Narcissist. Gruesome mistake!! . Reactions were wild. Dont you ever tell a narcissist she/he is narcissist. Worst mistake ever. I told him he was a text book definition of NPD. The reaction is unfathomable. Dr. Ramani is an expert. wow!!!!
Well, I have to differ here. I called a miserable narc a narcissist 3 months ago, and I haven't heard from them since. Mission accomplished. On the other hand, I don't expose my two remaining narcs because I HAVE to continue dealing with, one family, one work, and with those two these principles hold. All gray rock and firewall.
Exactly. Forgiving them for abuse only condones it or rewards it. Saying they are unforgivable doesn't change them or stop them or effect them and it doesn't make them try to be accountable either. It makes no difference to those who are indifferent and incapable of fixing their mistakes. If someone doesn't care, nor has empathy, nor feels remorse, can't even act loving, nor even try to compromise. Forgiveness or not forgiving them doesn't change anything. Does it get them to admit what harms they are guilty of? It's futile whether or not we forgive them, since they don't give a flying f about our feelings of wellbeing either way. They only want us hurting and suffering, so we are vulnerable to their power, control and manipulation over us.
Dr Ramani you’re an incredible counselor and teacher. I am very grateful to you for your videos. I woke up the other morning and said to myself very calmly “I finally understand deep in my soul that this abuse is not my fault and really never had anything to do with me.” This is after 46 years, yes years of counseling. If I could see you as a counselor I wouldn’t hesitate. Thank you!
This is great and right on. The problem is that family court is a substantial enabler of narcissists. It is difficult to impossible to separate and heal from this behavior and protect children from it if our legal system will not allow it when you have children with them. Children grow up with mental health issues when families with narcissism in a parent is present. Family court takes the stance that if the protective parent points out the behavior as abusive, the protective parent is demonized and often loses custody due to "parent alienation" Our ability to live free of this type of abuse is taken away. Child abuse is enabled and so if the mental health therapy community could rally around this issue, it would be a game changer for our kids.
Exactly
I made the mistake of telling him that he was gaslighting me, & he turned it around on me & told me I was gaslighting him by sharing my feelings?
Yep! Don't forget, their accusations are their confessions. The longer you've known this, the more you realise how incredibly true it is.
It's a window into their soul and it isn't pretty.
Classic
wow, this is honesty really really hard to hear, i taught by calling the person out i was helping her realize her perhaps"unintentional" wrong, and possibly she would finally see it and change, especially seeing that her abusive/manipulative actions are not aligning with the religious values she taught me growing up.... this is really hard to hear, but am glad i now know this...... but why are they like this??
I feel it is demonic. If They do not repent it their heart only gets harder
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Scam. They're really going the extra mile these days
I noticed this comment before as well.
C7
I learned all 4 of these first hand. 100% accurate
Thank you for enlightening me enough to notice the narcissist immediately. I could feel her jealous vibe of me.
And she even wanted to see my resume.