From what you wrote, it seems it might not be just being avoidant. Make sure you're not seeing a narcissist, or someone that simply fell out of love with your something else
Yup, I held my boundary. Never heard from him again (so far). Met someone else who is SO available but not clingy. Don't waste your time, people. Free yourself up for sth better.
Looking forward to this. Don't settle for someone who makes you feel like your reality isn't reality, especially if you're the type to usually be codependent (big realization), and you tend to bring narcissist people into your life. It's hard to discern, but when your partner/that oddly close "friend" feels vastly different to everyone else in your life, make sure that you're not mistaking "hot" for "cold". That differentness is NOT necessarily a good thing! That uniqueness could just mean that they DO NOT fit in with your group at all. Keep an open mind, but remember that inconsistency is a GREAT tell. And watch to see if they apologize for that inconsistency, or if they simply let it slide, make a weak or vague excuse for it, etc etc.
Avoidant are exhausting and in the end not worth it for 3 reasons: 1) it takes a huge amount of work and patience to just keep the relationship alive. 2) you will get very little in return for all your efforts and love. 3) As soon as you mess up, even if just a tiny bit, you will get crucified. Give the avoidant the gift of no contact, and do yourself a favor; focus on yourself and find a nice healthy person who will appreciate you, the way you appreciate her.
This comment right here, thank you. I think that we should be ready and with a healthy mindset before entering a relationship, it's not being cruel or something if you dont want to deal with people that will bring only drama and chaos to your life. Imagine building your own peace of mind only to be ruined by someone who doesn't even wants you fully and play games. I don't want to feel wrong for not wating such people in my life.
Been with an avoidant 10 years. I KNOW his childhood was awful. I’m an empathetic person but I can’t take it anymore. It’s not my job to fix him. I’m ready to leave.
@@suzy7773 please dont mistake stupidity for empathy. If you have been putting up with nonsense for 10 years then you are also the avoider too. You are avoiding leaving them. And worse still. You are probably trying to change them and mold them into what "you" want them to be.
@@maxsheerin8219 LOL did you just try and diagnose me based on a few sentences while knowing absolutely nothing about my life or me? No- try again love ❤️ but thank you
@@MarthaMoreno-p9h dam straight. Accountability instead of blame help healing. We are F adults now and can decide whether to attended to the toxcity or not. My guess is toxic Codependency is been avoided here while blaming the other half.
Depends on how you respond to the bread crumbing. If you chase and pull teeth then you are anxious. If you calmly vocalize your needs, give them a chance to improve, and then walk away when they don’t, then you are secure.
Adults have a responsibility to be emotionally available *before* entertaining a relationship. It is not the partner’s responsibility to do that work for them, or train them in the relationship. Both adults are supposed to show up to a relationship ready and able to bond deeply and reciprocally as it develops over time.
This is the story of my previous relationship 100%. It was the hardest breakup of my life and I’m still healing after heartbreak. I’m now realizing that it isn’t so much him that I miss but it was the dream of the future I had in my head like a fantasy that would’ve become a nightmare if it actually happened. So I’m grateful for the breakup even though it was brutally painful.
My story too- I forced myself to leave and it's been incredibly difficult. Going on 2 years now, and I still long for what might have been, even though logically I know I made the right choice. I heard the phrase "rejection was your protection", and I keep reminding myself of that. We deserve reciprocity in relationships.
@@jill3330 that is a good phrase to remember, I’m sorry you have gone thru this pain as well. Hugs to you. It’s so very hard and it hurts so much but I try to remember also that sometimes the breakup is the blessing. You got this!
Same... All Illusions.. Utter users.. We deserve better. Single & happy or destined to have the real deal one day. Living life in the meantime!🎉 They waste beautiful ppl's energy... I picture him being spoon-fed by a Nurse in a home, when he's past all the shenanigans 🤷♀️ SAD.
I wish I had the confidence and knowledge about avoidants in my 20s that I do now in my 30s. I stayed silent most of the time…let them stonewall and ice me out. Rather than just outright come out and communicate my feelings or concerns. I’d let them go. They are incapable of holding themselves accountable or apologizing. It’s hard not to take it personally sometimes but it really has nothing to do with me. I wish them healing. I am enough. I am secure. And I deserve the love I give.
As an anxiously attached person, I recently got dumped by my avoidant. It was harsh! But she was my first avoidant, and I actually got to understand attachment styles from this situationship. A big learning lesson in life!!! Your videos, coach, have helped tremendously. I didn't even know what boundaries were. I was always catering to my partner as much as I could, even in my past relationships before I was with the avoidant. I now know what path I need to take. Your videos help! Straight to the point, no unnecessary BS to get views or subs, just pure facts. Legend!
There are many avoidant people who are quite capable of being warm and loving but will never entirely lose the fear of having to abandon self in a relationship (because that’s what happened in childhood-to be loved, they had to be who the loving parent said they were). Not respecting that wound just drives the avoidant further away. Demanding closeness based on “needs” is proof to the avoidant that the other person wants to take over emotional control and define the relationship, and ultimately the avoidant’s personhood, on their own terms, just like the parent did. That may not be the intent, but that’s how it lands. So yes, maybe go two separate ways. The avoidant with the capacity to love will commit to a partner who accepts the avoidant’s need for space and trusts him/her to come close at times. An avoidant needs to learn how to express boundaries more than the anxious person does. An avoidant person’s avoidance is their only way of not being run over, because they never learned to hold boundaries in relationship. They think they aren’t allowed to say “NO I don’t want that right now.” I know this because I am one.
Wow, you described me so well. Also, as someone who was parentified as a child, demanding more attention and emotional labor from me is a sure way to push me away. I will support my partner, of course, but I cannot be their therapist. It completely drains me, as it brings me back to the position of sacrificing myself for others and walking on eggshells around their feelings, to the point of losing who I am. Their need for closeness and attention is valid, and my need for space is valid as well. They are just not compatible.
Thank you thank you. Absolutely sick of how avoidants are framed as narcissists and monsters while anxious types are the sweet loving doormats. Like why do I have to bend over backwards to meet your emotional demands? Why can’t you just accept that I’m trying and respect that I need space? That’s why I hate this attachment types philosophy. It’s so freaking toxic
As an avoidant, I think the internet has demonized us. Sometimes we just need space to think and be by ourselves. Intimacy is our fear so we need to digest everything and take longer than other styles to get adjusted. The problem lies in the fact that many avoidants don’t communicate. It’s not the pulling back, it’s the lack of proper communication and honesty that makes it so difficult. Avoidants also have needs and are not always some players who are out to get you. Our needs are to take it slow and easy, because entering a relationship triggers fears. Fears are not easy to deal with we cant always adjust to the pace the other person wants us to adjust, no matter how much we want to on a conscious level.
I agree with you 100%, but my suggestion for avoidance would be to have better communication. You will have to use your words a lot more because your actions show nothing.
fearful-avoidant that has been working on not pulling away or running away here, just as Coach said, avoidants feel an intense anxiety when they feel the relationship getting closer. in my own experience, this can be the similar for anxious or avoidants, what is actually happening at that moment is because the avoidant is feeling comfortable or safe, much of what they have repressed or suppressed is coming up to the surface so the person may feel vulnerable, they will most likely not know that this is what they are feeling or why, they may not know theres a trauma, and not just run of the mill vulnerability, it is as if you are back to being that kid who wanted to cry, but you swallowed those tears. They think they want distance and sometimes it is needed so that those strong emotions cool off a bit, but for me what has helped is: understanding, being told they weren't going anywhere, and since these feelings take you back to that child state; warm embraces, being told they are loved despite their struggle. To Be Clear it is not anyone elses job to fix an avoidant, but a loving caring friend, partner, family member can help them heal in their journey. but it starts with them recognizing their pattern (deactivation strategy) and want to change. hope this helps.
@@Andrea-g7h8w when I started this journey my therapist recommended me the book called “Attached” the new science of adult attachment, chapter 6 sheds light on an avoidants thinking.(I chose the audiobook) It has been a battle, learning to not fear love(couldn’t even say the word), having someone who understands, for some they maybe didn’t get words of affection or were neglected emotionally by their caretaker or maybe suffered some way, you may need to find out what they faced and help them see it wasn’t their fault and know and see they are worth loving(as all do) regardless of this thing they have buried that they may not remember, lots of patience and reassurance for both involved.
@@Redave151 now me telling him I am not going anywhere just makes his return time longer .. if I leave him free without texting anything, he would return in 4-5 days, that too he texts me when I am sleeping so he can kill 2 birds at the same time: it gets to the record that he did send text and reach out to me and that I was unavailable at the moment to answer him! When I respond back, he wants me to believe he is busy, hence no reply!but when he comes one step closer being intimate (he himself initiates those special times.. he surprises me what a passionate lover he is on the other side of the coin! But the more intimate he comes, I know the more time he'd be gone after! The same happens if I text him I ain't going anywhere, I understand.. again the pull is long ! Could you please send me a sample of small text msg that you'd like to hear during your intense pull away? I'm asking this so I get a hold on not underplaying or overplaying you see. Btw we are LDR at the moment and he did promos to marry me in few months as soon as I return to our hometown! He also says Everytime when he returns he wants 4 babies from me! Good Lord
@@Redave151 I was developing this ego you know . . . If he wants let him text and I am not going to work for this relationship any more! Period! But the truth is..I didn't know what to say to him.. so I wanted to go off like the sour grape mechanism
@smokingcrab2290 Not exactly. A secure person doesn't need anyone on the first place. If an avoidant unhealed person starts their little game we don't even play. Reason is peace is everything after you healed and happy will never ever give this away to anyone. No drama...
The hardest thing I've experienced is gaslighting when calling out avoidant behavior. Calm and respectful approaches to the topic didn't make a difference. By the end of the conversation, I would be comforting and reassuring the other person that I wasn't trying to hurt or attack them... Then at night, I'd lay awake wondering why I felt so neglected.
Oh. My. Goodness. I've felt so alone when this happened. You try to bring up something in a calm manner, using "I feel" statements. No superlative language. And by the end of it all, you're comforting them, and telling them that it's okay, and maybe there is no problem at all. I'm sorry you've gone through that. It hurts and feels so isolating. Sending you love ❤
Wow. This is…wow. Sending you hugs because I never felt so understood and sad 🥺 My issue is I let people use me because of the savior complex. My brain tells me to be everything I would need, or be everything I didn’t have to them. Not realizing that I give myself responsibility for things that are not mine. Sending you hugs. This is SO hard. ❤
That's sweet of you all ❤️ I think most people have experienced a toxic relationship. It's important to feel heard, so I appreciate the comments and empathy. My heart goes out to those who have had a similar experience as well. You're not alone. You are worthy of love. And what you went through is not okay.
Or... they associate emotional closeness with enmeshment because BoyMom met her emotional needs through her son and now he's a mess as an adult, so he lovebombed you but once you were married he flipped the switch and now pulls away from you, even rebels against you, because he's taking all his sh1t with his Mom out on you. But you can't figure out whst the hell isgoing on for 15 years because back then there wasn't information available like there is now. And when you were seriously considering divorce, your Mother and your church leaders scared you into staying with their shaming. Ugh. If only I had known sooner.
I’m sorry. I married into a narcissistic enmeshment religion as an excuse type family as well. I’m five years out. Still healing. Hope you are getting better. Forgiving myself for what I didn’t know or recognize was the hardest part.
Thank you. ❤ WOW. This is EXACTLY what I went through the past 10 months. SPOT ON. It ended badly. She hurt me in the most cold hearted way in my most vulnerable moment. 6:46 We went through exactly what you describe. One sided. She loved herself and did not love me. I loved her and did not love myself enough. Worked great for her. I could never imagine treating someone the way she treated me. So strange how different people can be. And she is a psychologist that specializes in relationships. Oh the irony. I sat back listening to her lecture on and on. She had my heart and my wallet in a trance.
she didn’t love herself either. it wasn’t personal. i’m so sorry you went thru this. you didn’t deserve that at all. she didn’t deserve you. she lost. now you can keep all your love for you and someone equally deserving❤️🩹🌹
We call that a master manipulator. Clearly she has no desire on doing shadow work, or dealing with her s***. There is a reason why people like that go into that field to be masters at it.
I love this so much. I had an anxious attachment style for most of my life. Meeting a dismissive avoidant, who I thought was my soulmate, triggered me into finally facing the patterns that played out in all of my relationships, and lead to me beginning to heal it. I cried when I watched this because now see how much I’ve changed. I have been chatting to a new person online, but his replies aren’t asking me questions or developing the conversation. Before, I would have kept on trying, even asking them why they weren’t asking me questions. This time, I have just disengaged. No discussion about it. I did consider that it was triggering my anxious side (why isn’t he in to me?), but no, I realise it isn’t that. I just deserve more. I want someone who is going to meet me half way, and it’s okay to want that. It doesn’t make me demanding or needy. Healing is so important. Recognising patterns of behaviour and what is triggering them is key. If I can change my attachment style, anyone can!
If someone pulls away from you, you don’t need to go back to them and explain why you don’t want to be with them anymore. It is as if you are asking them if they are absolutely sure that you are _really_ their option 😂. No need to explain *_anything_* to anyone. You already have your answer. You just need to do you and move on to someone who will value you as much as you value them ☺️👍🏼.
really wish more videos talked about the mental impact avoidants have on others to explain what they are going through. It was pretty unnerving feeling anxious over someone who was already gone.
I did exactly what you advised. And when I said I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship, and left, after two weeks he called and asked if we could talk. We got back together and he really tries. I always remain calm and don’t push it much. I explain that when he distances, it makes me want to distance too.
@@joannegild8001 that is just to breadcrumb you may be! He appears once in a month.. His childhood and early adulthood has been very hard.. I understand but.. well he says 'this is one way pathway! I don't show love and care outside' why did he go through a honeymoon phase with me? Promising love marriage and four kids? When he can't even make time for me.. I had never felt this alone even when I was not in relationships!
I'm pretty secure and have had some really lovely long term relationships with no such issues (10 years plus) In saying that my recent girlfriend shut down emotionally one evening for no apparent reason after 3 near perfect months together. I felt some serious anxiety over that, it hit me right out of the blue. I had to really ground myself and findf the balance, which meant ending the relationship after 4 days of that crap. I have close to zero tolerance of emotionally stunted people and she simply had to go. Avoid the avoidant at all costs !
Good for you! I'm sure you had already gone the extra mile to be a great partner, even if for example you weren't perfect. Whatever triggered them is on them, not you. You did your best by trying to be available when they were not communicating their needs at all. Cheers to you. And I'm glad that you stood up for yourself.
@@FloraSora ....none of us are perfect, that's understood, just that when one or other partner is emotionally unavailable then you are unable to sort out differences which can grow into resentments and on it goes. It's a real shame but having been involved with one of these people many years ago I know how it works and they never face up to themselves, they do not take personal responsibility and they tend to blame their partner for their stufv instead. My life is just too good to bother with that sort of nonsense and it's because I am so content that she was so attracted and heavily invested in the relationship, till she had to sabotage it and destroy it. What can you do, right ? You can save people so you just have to walk away. I'm sure she is still wondering what hit her and maybe facing up to those consequences and the loss of something special maybe, just maybe she might do some work, though I dount it unfortunately.
Every word you said is correct. I was an anxious attachment so I begged him and lost my boundary, but it didn't work and only torturing myself. Then i drastically forcing myself to jump to secure attachment. I said to him : "These are what i expect in relationship (gave him some points). If you continue to neglect my needs, I can't do this anymore and I must leave". He left me on read for weeks. Then i blocked him on everything.
I’m feeling so sad and guilty for breaking up with him because I still love him and I could have been more understanding. I know his behaviors come from his childhood traumas. But I couldn’t stand anymore all the silent treatments, pulling away, low to no communication and breadcrumbing. I have my needs too. I’m happy to know that I am way more secure than I thought. Thank you for this video. I subscribed immediately ❤
Good for you! Sometimes you need to let the consequences fall into their organic place, for the impact to make a difference in his life. hopefully he reflects on his behaviors and decides to change, for his own lasting wellbeing and happiness ❤
Thanks buddy. Suffered so much pain trying to compromise with an avoidant. Wish I’d found this beautifully clear video on the day it was published back in August. Would have saved me three more months of pain. But I had to work it out for myself. I finally stood my ground. Calmly asserted my boundaries (I’d tried before too, but negotiated). They not only pulled back they pulled away completely, and dismissed the relationship altogether. Left. I cried for hours. But the relief I feel tells me the truth. This is utterly unhealthy no matter how much I loved them. I deserve respect for my time and my needs. They’re just not my person. Now I am free. Thank you.
I used to be an anxious person but after I worked on my self concept and stuff recently I experienced being in a relationship with an avoidant and I actually reacted how you said and I’m so proud of myself even tho it did hurt but I chose myself and I love me for it
Fair enough, i understand it.... i just don't have to tolerate it. These people usually aren't self aware enough to heal, and it isn't my job to show them.
“Hey- I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together it seems like you and I have different goals - we different desires in a relationship that ultimately not compatible and I am gonna seek someone who is inline with what I want and need.”
I need to watch this every day to remind me. I have an anxious attachment style but I did actually show up secure in so many ways and this video validates that. I took the step to share my needs and she didn’t care. The only thing that would bring her back from shutting me out, is if I shut down myself- and it felt so unhealthy. So I ended it.
20 years married to an avoidant. Yes I am anxious. He finally agreed to therapy but I so dry. He neglected me emotionally and sexually. Everyone out there thinks that men need sex or to make love, nope not always the case. It’s so painful to not be pursued by your husband or pushed away. I hope we can heal our wounds and build a new marriage. I am just tired.
That is true, but the avoidance will never recognize that because he probably does not even know being fearful. You can heal when you realize and find out that you are traumatized, and that this trauma comes from the childhood otherwise an avoidant person acts all the time and never relationship the same way trying to protect himself by being abandoned or hurt again as he was in his childhood. But it is so normal to him the way he lives and acts, and he’s not aware of how it is to have loving and close relationship to somebody else as he probably couldn’t trust his parents and growing up with inconsistent parents who never took care of your needs means to never be able to trust anybody else in the world. Like an Eskimo, who does not know how it is to feel the warmth and how pleasant and beautiful it is - the same with an avoidant person.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
I felt like I was being needy, when I was telling her of wanting to see her just once a week. For me it felt like not a lot to ask for, but for her it was too much. Now I realize I have been secure in communicating my feelings and wants in the relationship, and not being needy. Thank you man
This past few months has been an eye opener for me, the one I love, the one i cherish still Left me, I lost alot of friends because of her, she often said they were bad influence on me, and she still left me, i still love her and that is what hurts the most. Love sometimes is unexplainable and cruel.
I feel your pain,Believe me I do, i was in a similar position, he left me, but i couldnt just let him go because i knew i was the cause of it, i chose my work over him and the kids, I didnt want to loose him, so i contacted a spiritual counsellor for advice on how to get him back and to my greatest surprise it worked out, she brought him back to me, and its been over a year and half, i have never been this happy.
Thank you for this, I know i wasnt alone on this i often sit and think what i will become without her because i have no one else, I think i might just give this a try,how did you get in touch with him/her, if you do not mind me asking.
@@PspTomisi please do not fall for this spiritual guide scam. Ive seen very similar posts popping up all over. They respond to desperate people still in love. My advice, work on your own issues and heal instead of trying to get your person back. But dont be twice the fool. Scams are everywhere
The only thing I’d change in the speech said by the Secure person is that I would say I just want to end things (and not find someone else). Saying I want to just end things keeps the topic contained. They’re fine - the Avoidant is perfectly fine as they are. The situation and dynamic didn’t work out for me and I’m calling “time” on a situation I think is hopeless and wasting of my precious time and energy. They may think I will move on and find someone else. Yes, I’m sure I will. But all in good time. I don’t need to say that out loud. The healing process between relationships is important, and I go through that healing process before opening to another relationship. It also helps mitigate the Avoidant responding and saying they’ll try and change. No, that’s ok, you don’t have to change, I don’t want anyone in my life right now. The End.
I'm so grateful to be a secure attachment person. I literally did this last week to an avoidant. I really liked him and would have loved more from him but I understood he wasn't able to give me what I wanted him to give me so I sent him a nice message and blocked him on everything. I do miss him but not so much it's unbearable or making me feel bad about myself or making me want to change my mind. I also feel great I can just walk away and move on without it affecting my whole life. Just started texting someone else and feeling much more comfortable with his interactions with me. Who knows where this one will lead.
@@terence.j We were both still on dating apps while getting closer to eachother and it was getting to the point that I needed more commitment from him or to keep looking for someone who will commit in the way I need. I'm not a player 🤣 or a cheater.
Definitely exactly what my last relationship was....I tried and tried because I noticed a distance and lack of the communication that we NEEDED..,...so I had to go 😢....sucks though cause she meant the world to me
Lol. I'm anxious type, and now my knee-jerk reaction is jump to the last step. "Our needs do not align", and I'm out. If I get in a relationship with avoidant again, I'll try the middle step too (telling him my needs and expectations and giving him a chance to do better first)
Excellent video. I just don't have the time and energy for push and pull relationships. When a person pulls away, I notify them, in case they're not aware of this behaviour. If I get excuses and other such unproductive reasoning, I leave for good. There's nothing further to talk about
Let go of what has passed. Let go of what may come. Let go of what is happening now. Don’t try to figure anything out. Don’t try to make anything happen. Relax, right now, and rest.
I just went through this last weekend. He was pulling away and decided he wanted to cut out all the intimacy and just be platonic friends. That he isn't in the right mind space for an intimate relationship. I told him i can't do that and im not going to wait around for him to decide hes ready.
My avoidant went from hot to cold suddenly in 3 weeks it wasn't gradual, it was sudden. He refused to talk about it. Suddenly, he just out of the blue said he "needed his space" , and never once bothered to look at me, he just stared at the tv the entire time. As I cried, and questioned him, and even brought up that he went from hot to cold like flipping a light switch, he ONLY said "yes I did" he knew exactly what he was doing. A narcissist discard. He want from future faking, making plans for cruises next year, telling me to look for another house with a 2 car garage instead of 1, ect, to discarding me. He never seemed a bit concerned about my crying or confusion, his second sentence to me after I spent 20 mins trying to have a conversation for charity or closure, he said "scurry on down the road back to your own house" the ONLY time he looked at me was when I said to him "I hope whoever you're dumping me for makes you happy" he denied having anyone, but said "IF I start dating anyone, I'll tell you, but we can still be friends" he still didn't look at me , I said " I said I don't play games, I don't do the friends with benefits thing, and UNLESS YOU GET HELP AND COUNSELING, DON'T YOU DARE START A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, OR IT WILL BE THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!" ....That is the ONLY time that m'fer even bothered to look at me, when i mentioned counseling and seeing other women. That's proof it was a avoidant man i was dealing with doing a narcissistic discard. He went from asking me about my ring size to discard in 3 weeks. I see why his marriage ended. It felt almost as bad as when my late husband died, but this guy showed he never loved me, it was just a cat and mouse game.
@@rebeccalucas6063 I meet this man, a highly respectable military officer, he literally was very sweet, I woke up to his texts every morning, slept when he slept, 3 good weeks , he proposed me marriage , 4 kids he said he wants, brought the words like love, intimacy talks and all only to start showing his other side! We are long distance at the moment, he said as soon as I return to our homeland, he was going to come and marry me and sweep me with him to his place.. then boom gone! He himself talks too intimate, when she talks anything intimate, I start panicking because straight after he would be gone for so long depending on how intimate he talks! I rather wish he talks like friends, then he would stick around, suddenly talk close and be gone! If his ex hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known that this behavior has a name! She spoke no ill of him except that the pull and push was toxic to her soul and quit with him! But you know what he spoke so bad and indecent of her saying 'she lacked discipline and respect'
Ansiousor fearful avoiders are equally as disturbed and hspukd not get into a relationship, never mind add a child to their toxicty, unti the have healed some of their wounds. They are both fkd up.
I agree some avoidants are horribly irresponsible, but most of us suffer just as much as an anxiously attached person. And this is coming from someone who shifted from one side to the other due to an avoidant (ironic, I know). I dare to say avoidance is the ultimate response to pain when crying and begging no longer work. It ain't pretty to deal with. You live with so much guilt, anxiety, and loneliness, from not being able to give people what they deserve.
@@UnsuspectingCommenterPassingBy ALLLL avoidants are horribly irresponsible people. You are not better than the other breed of infidels thay dont want to face thwir sh1t,, in fact you may be a tad but worse, judging avoiders while claiming you are an avoider? Like wtAf? That's narcassim in nutshell right here 👌
This video popped up at just the right time. Gives me confirmation that I am shifting into a more secure attachment style bc I did exactly what you said in this video. Thanks for the validation
Everyome has similar traumas but different responses. We shouldnt run away from a person, learn how to love and grow together, but if they arent willing, its better to get space until they realize. Never judge another.
I suspect I’ve been both anxious and avoidant at various times. In my last relationship, I was very engaged until I got the sense that she was not being fully honest with me, and she started to unravel. So I pulled back, and she said she didn’t want a “one-sided relationship”. She didn’t realize that I was “avoidant” because after I realized she hadn’t been fully honest I think I was mentally checked out and looking for a way to leave with my heart and dignity intact. When I tried to finally tell her, she felt “attacked” and like I wasn’t being loving anymore. It felt like a no-win situation so I all but broke it off and let her leave. She was a bit controlling at times, so I knew it would go better if she got to control the breakup. Just be aware that just because you’re seeing “avoidant” behavior doesn’t mean you’re secure and they’re messed up. It could also be they’re avoiding you for a very good reason, and you aren’t being accountable for it!
So basically they’re triggered by healthy relationships. Sometimes people just need to really do some inner healing and before that happens, they should probably not be in an intimate relationship. I’m there to, hopefully making progress.
For the avoidant people out there: 1. Just heal already and stop messing with people who actually want to invest in a relationship. 2. Don't try being in a relationship if you know you do this. Spiritually, I believe you all are created so that people can learn to love themselves first. Never knew about this until I had couples therapy with my soon to be ex husband. He didn't know either, he just classified himself as weird and his previous exwife classified him as weird and out of it. They should teach people this in school. Love and light to you all❤
@mimah1015 it's the simplest thing really. Ppl just are cowards. No one who's gone through it can say the people not healing are not cowards because healing is ugly, takes time, breaks everything about you, you thought you were. It's so much, you almost go crazy because everything finally makes sense and you point out your own faults then work at them. Meanwhile, when you are reaching another version of you who is evolving and doesn't make bad choices or gets stuck on bad habits, everyone you used to be fine with just does not feel ok to you anymore. So then you look around like, damn, are they gonna go through this? Most likely, but not any time soon. I ask why not? I can't stand the response of, "everyone is on their own path", but I know it's true. We are a ripple effect. So once you see that, just clear your path and move forward. But FR, why can't they just stop with it already? (In the big cosmic web of life, we know they volunteered to continue being their brokenselves to be teachers of lessons to others). Crazy, messed up, exactly what we need? Who knows. Only Source/God knows. But it makes sense to me and allows me to forgive those who've hurt me easily and move forward just as easily. We're just mirrors to each other. Glad you had a laugh♥️ love and light to you
I sent him a msg saying if our needs are different then different options will show up. I’m watching this video a few weeks post that - hadn’t seen this before. Thank you Coach Ryan for letting me know that I am now a secured person. I think I’m going to treat myself with ice cream tonight. I’ve made serious progress. This video comes after I sent that msg and now I know I am fking sane and balanced ❤❤❤❤
A secure person does not engage in “relationship” with avoidant partners in the first place. They (the avoidant) tend to “smell” the insecurity and even co-dependency patterns and they naturally go for it. If you have a historic of avoidant people in your “relationship cv”, that is a clear sign that you need to work on yourself and heal those profound beliefs of self-worthiness. Great video, btw: straight to the point and very clearly explained.
the caveat is in my case - i was anxious, he was avoidant. In the process of building up my security as a means to grow/be patient during the times of his withdrawal, I became secure enough to walk away (enforce the boundary). No matter how kind and patient I was in stating my needs, my avoidant made no signs of improvement at all, only apologies after the fact. I healed a lot on account of our relationship-and healed so much that I finally saw I deserved better. Self care/self love/enforcing boundaries really is a worthiness game! ❤️
This really breaks my heart. My friend is like this. It hurts bc I have so much love I want to give him. Anytime I say something "emotional" he stops talking.
Sounds like an avoidant only becomes fearful and avoidant when they are emotionally invested. So, their fears will be confirmed by the break, giving them concrete foundation for & fortfying their avoidant behavior? I feel bad for the avoidant that is madly in love and doesn't understand what is causing their behavior.
No, I will NOT be doing all of that work EVER again. I see you switching up, I communicate to you about this ONCE. If you continue with the nonsense behaviour, I'm out and I WILL ghost you. I've been waaay too empathetic in the past; no more Mr Nice Guy.
❤🙏🏽 - I wish I had known about all this 9 years ago. I held boundaries at the end but felt so miserable before, and even after that, as I didn't understand what was happening. 5 years ago, he tries to come back and I still held the boundaries with an still aching heart. And three months ago, I learned he'd married and has a child now. A marriage by convenience but still, a serious commitment. Somehow the boundaries shattered apart and I found myself brokenhearted all over. It is when I found about Coach Ryan's videos at last. Now, working very hard in putting my head and heart back together and making sense of all the mess... Still hurting but at least I am understanding a lot of the blanks I had and stopped blaiming myself. What a life test, my God! 💔
To put things into perspective, his wife is not and won’t be a happy woman, rest assured. Their child will also suffer trauma of having an unavailable parent. You saved yourself from a lifetime of pain.
Thanks @sylph99 . I have also thought about that. I feel sorry for them too, even for him. It's sad. But thank you for saying it. It helps the recovering process.
The very very best video I saw on this topic… Every other tell you how to cope with these people, which in my opinion, is impossible to do unless you destroy yourself in the process….
Wow! This really hit home. I’m the anxious one that was rejected by the avoidant. I was self-sacrificing to try to hold onto him when I felt him distancing himself… 💔 Clearly I need to work on my security. Thank you for this clarity
Unless they make the effort to heal nothing will ever change. They are a victim, but making another person a victim of their behaviour is not acceptable and no change or effort from them, walk.
Whats felt, doesnt have to be said. Asking questions and being available, solves these problems. I understand avoidants, but that doesnt mean one should subject themselves to the treatment. Gracefully, I bow out
He was cheating. I’m getting a divorce. Guys, don’t deal with this shit anymore. When someone treats you like shit believe them. When you have to beg them to consider your needs believe that they don’t care. It’ll save you a lot of heartache. Stop projecting the same care and kindness you would give onto the way someone is treating you and just accept that they just don’t feel the same way about you that you do about them and that’s okay. It’s okay to not be their person. Never force anyone to see you, understand you and treat you right especially if you have to keep telling them. If someone doesn’t want to grow and love equally in the relationship with you, it’s not worth it and its even worse when you have to be the thing keeping you together because if you do nothing everything falls apart from their lack of effort. Stop it. No more. Don’t do it anymore. Let them go. Let them do what they want to do and quietly see yourself out. Put the spotlight, focus and energy into what you want and need.
So many men and woman NEED to hear this. It’s painful!!! And it’s not selfish to consider yourself in the equation. God bless you out there❤️🙏 ✌️ peace
Amen. Thank you for your comment…. You need to go to a CODA meeting to understand why you tolerated it. ( just a suggestion, because it helped me ) It’s painful to let go!!! Divorce is brutal. But half the work is accepting what it really was. God bless you on your walk❤️🙏
If you find yourself giving space consistently to someone , accept they need some healing on their own and let them leave . Make sure you dont give them another shot either . - a dismissive avoidant
As an avoidant, I appreciate the secure person holding that boundary. To me, if this happens, it means that either I still need that space and solitude to fix those pesky triggers and wounds, OR I feel some other incompatibility- but don't trust myself to know the difference! Believe me, that can be frustrating as hell. But I still genuinely am in the habit of taking care of myself because nobody else should have to- I am quite a bit of work with a chronic neurological illness, and some serious abandonment events in the past. While it would be nice to have a friend being there as I work through constant changes with therapists and introspection, "it's not nice to be wasting another person's time" is usually my conclusion. So I pull away. Don't let that be mistaken for that I'm "not working on myself" or that I "don't deserve love" or I'm "doing this on purpose." More like, sometimes I just don't wish this storm on anyone else, and other times I sense a hero complex in the already confusing mix. Be good to yourselves-- and let yourselves be loved. Boundaries are healthy! ❤
I can relate to absolutely everything you just said! We are very similar - I am an avoidant with a very complex past with lots of trauma in my adult life. It IS frustrating as hell not always knowing if I’m not feeling compatible with someone or if it’s my avoidant tendencies wanting to flee the relationship. I really need to talk all of this out with a therapist that understands relationships & the different behaviors I have in these relationships.
@kikismama the best thing of therapist said to me was that "you're not ultimately responsible for how someone feels about you but you can be upfront with the facts that you've learned about yourself." Especially about the complexity and if you're still working through things. Just because someone has an anxious attachment style doesn't take their choice away. It's OK to take a few steps forward and it's also OK to course correct if it doesn't feel right. I've finally reached a point where I feel more okay with the idea of "no longer being interested" or simply taking my time to explore my feelings. If it's interpreted as "fear of commitment" or "too many walls up!" Then yes- that might be true! but if I've shown some self awareness and communicated about it ( even if just to say that "communicating about it is very difficult!" )... being avoidant to me feels like a means to managing my broken nervous system and my independence, and it should not feel like a crime. It's okay to take a few steps forward and then decide you might want to take a few steps back. That part is called "dating". I'm trying to teach myself that I don't NEED to see the end game in order to explore relationships. And if somebody more anxious needs that in order to move forward with me, then maybe that IS the "incompatibility."
I ended a 1.5 year relationship after realising that this was the dynamic I was in. 2 months after that I met someone who I connect with in such a way that we quite literally intuitively know what the other person is thinking and feeling, she communicates with me and we both hold healthy boundaries, not to mention she addresses my needs in reciprocation too Don’t be afraid to let go of something or someone if you’re not feeling nurtured people. I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way, I mean it in a self loving way
@@stephaniecraftrealestate427 well I just think that if someone has an avoidant attachment style and you really love them, you can decide if you wanna give it a chance. A guy who is not that into you, you shouldn’t try to stay or to consider to give it a chance, that guy isnt replying as much because they are not that interested, you are not a priority, you are not even officially dating, its more like a situationship that is convenient for him, that is why it is important to know what is going on. Some women will try to give it a chance to a guy who simply see them as a fun thing to have sometimes just because they assume “he is into me he is just an avoidant” but the reality is that he is not an avoidant he just doesnt feel the same way about her
Thank you for this. Just ended a relationship with a man who started pulling away HARD. The flip felt unreal. He practically begged me to move in with him, told me I was "the one," and talked about having kids together. But only a few months later, he started working more, spending less time with me, and eventually started flaking on plans. After repeated attempts at sharing my feelings and setting boundaries, I finally walked away 😔 It hurt that he wasn't willing to meet me halfway, but it hurt more to be connected to someone who didn't want to invest emotionally in me.
Did he make changes each time boundaries were set but not enough… Or no matter how many times boundaries being set & the issue being discussed, behavior stayed the same? -thanks
That's not how it plays out though. The reality is that you do the first part, communicating what you've noticed and what you expect, and they dump and block you before you get chance to do it to them.
Almost all coaches best advice is to block them... I did... but I think I should first try final conversation. Maybe, maybe not. I agree with your opinion. Anyway I blocked him (I must say It was one of the most painful moment of my life...).. I hope, time will slowly heal my body and soul... but how long it will take...wish you all the best
@@annewoodcock-rr8zv so everything is ok then. Whays the problem? Its over, and they havent allowed you to try change or fix, or manipulate pr mammy them. And you also get to get over them. Or you can keep banging on about getting dumped. We all get dumped when faced with things we dont approve of. Mend you heart and move on. This is standard. Maybe they are avoiding nothing. They are just leaving. Avoiders often avoid breaking up and blame the other person for avoiding change, into your idea of what a relationship should be like.
@maxsheerin8219 I was simply stating what ACTUALLY happens when you follow the advice in this particular video. This approach doesn't lead to the outcome being suggested. That is all.
I'm pulling away too. People act like they can't feel themselves hurting you but all of a sudden they have feelings to feel when you treat them how they always treat you or maybe I was just dealing with a narc who likes to play mind games and play victim when he see the grip he thought he had on me was an illusion 😮💯
I've been seeing someone on n off for a couple years now and he's very much avoidant and I was anxious working in being more secure. It's much easier for me to form and enforce boundaries now. It's just frustrating because he claims to love me, but I feel like I'm the only one actually focusing on us. I know he's busy, but I deserve more than bread crumbs. That's the part that made me go ...ohhhhhh.
I tried so hard to encourage an avoidant person to stop being avoidant. But we had an argument one day. I asked that we talk about it. What followed was 3 months of the avoidant pulling away with vauge lies and empty promises to make time for me eventually. Finally i got fed up and told them that our friendship is over until they make time for me. This video was a play by play on how our relationship deteriorated. They pulled away, so i left.
I'm an avoidant and i hurt many people because of who i am. and i was sometimes pursuing them or at least giving hints. i always regretted and became limerent. it sucks. hope that i'll get to a healthy place and hope that they'll find the power to forgive me or at least not hate me
I'm fearful avoidant and just recently pushed away the first man who I truly cared in over 4 years. I said really hurtful things to him, provoked him, because I needed to burn that bridge. It scared me to death that he was elevating into a position in which he could possibly hurt me or leave me. He's secure and he walked away, although he didn't do it in a kind or empathetic way. Regardless, I don't blame him. I mailed him an apology letter the next day, full accountability with no excuses. I regret the things I said. Despite decades of counseling, I'm still damaged. My words were just a ruse to test him and ultimately self-sabotage and demolish a potentially really good thing right as it was starting to take flight. I'm hoping that this very self-startling event will wake me up so that I don't ever do that again. I hope he forgives me but he doesn't owe me that.
I'm concerned you've had decades of counselling and haven't had EMDR therapy or Ayahuasca or magic mushrooms with a healer to help you heal childhood wounding. I would highly recommend it. My anxious attachment is melting away and I'm feeling connected to God and myself in a way I haven't before, I also have had several soul retrievals and entities have been removed. It's all energy
Thank you for this. You explained this so well. As a person with an anxious attachment that I’m trying to work on this made things so much clearer. I will keep this in the back on my mind everytime I need to reinforce my boundaries
Despite it hurting so badly and making me anxious i pulled away from an avoidant who I still care for because staying around being neglected, tested and taken for granted was worse
I’d put down boundaries and they’d become understanding and make a promise. Then do it again (stonewalling, mind games, etc.). Then, I’d move on to execute the consequences of my boundary being disrespected and they called it cheating because they blatantly refused to physically talk about the problem we were having. I would feel so much guilt. Not anymore. But I was really trusting. 😂 So, if they try this hack on you, don’t fall for it. You can and must move on. And they don’t deserve a conversation they weren’t even willing to have when you were theirs. ❤
Loving someone through all their insecurities is practically impossible No matter how good you are to them it feels too good to be true and so they focus on the smallest parts of you that aren’t the best They will project all their insecurities onto you as the reason they don’t feel great.
"You're only losing a relationship that would have been one-sided."
Thanks coach!
Staying with an avoidant who doesn’t care to improve or go to therapy is a slow torture and will harm your body inside and out.
@@leighd301 staying with an avoider only means there are TWO avoiders.
Amen 🙏
From what you wrote, it seems it might not be just being avoidant. Make sure you're not seeing a narcissist, or someone that simply fell out of love with your something else
Yup, I held my boundary. Never heard from him again (so far). Met someone else who is SO available but not clingy. Don't waste your time, people. Free yourself up for sth better.
Avoidants: GUESS WHO’s BACK
BAck aggain @@taylorbee4010
@@truffle7622Now this looks like a job for me
Looking forward to this. Don't settle for someone who makes you feel like your reality isn't reality, especially if you're the type to usually be codependent (big realization), and you tend to bring narcissist people into your life. It's hard to discern, but when your partner/that oddly close "friend" feels vastly different to everyone else in your life, make sure that you're not mistaking "hot" for "cold". That differentness is NOT necessarily a good thing! That uniqueness could just mean that they DO NOT fit in with your group at all. Keep an open mind, but remember that inconsistency is a GREAT tell. And watch to see if they apologize for that inconsistency, or if they simply let it slide, make a weak or vague excuse for it, etc etc.
Sucks to be a fearful avoidant and married to a securely attached person I guess
"just because you understand it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it" this sentiment is so so important when it comes to relationships
Avoidant are exhausting and in the end not worth it for 3 reasons: 1) it takes a huge amount of work and patience to just keep the relationship alive. 2) you will get very little in return for all your efforts and love. 3) As soon as you mess up, even if just a tiny bit, you will get crucified. Give the avoidant the gift of no contact, and do yourself a favor; focus on yourself and find a nice healthy person who will appreciate you, the way you appreciate her.
This comment right here, thank you.
I think that we should be ready and with a healthy mindset before entering a relationship, it's not being cruel or something if you dont want to deal with people that will bring only drama and chaos to your life.
Imagine building your own peace of mind only to be ruined by someone who doesn't even wants you fully and play games.
I don't want to feel wrong for not wating such people in my life.
Sry SGM
Been with an avoidant 10 years. I KNOW his childhood was awful. I’m an empathetic person but I can’t take it anymore. It’s not my job to fix him. I’m ready to leave.
@@suzy7773 please dont mistake stupidity for empathy. If you have been putting up with nonsense for 10 years then you are also the avoider too. You are avoiding leaving them. And worse still. You are probably trying to change them and mold them into what "you" want them to be.
@@maxsheerin8219 LOL did you just try and diagnose me based on a few sentences while knowing absolutely nothing about my life or me? No- try again love ❤️ but thank you
@@maxsheerin8219 dam if thats not the truth
@@MarthaMoreno-p9h dam straight. Accountability instead of blame help healing. We are F adults now and can decide whether to attended to the toxcity or not.
My guess is toxic Codependency is been avoided here while blaming the other half.
@@maxsheerin8219no, you're not getting it
Basically the secure person is not afraid to walk away
Damn maybe I’m not anxious, maybe they’re just unavailable, bread crumbing and inconsistent 🤷🏻♀️
👏
@@NovaSky333 or maybe you are anxious and they are also unavailable 🤷♀️
Depends on how you respond to the bread crumbing. If you chase and pull teeth then you are anxious. If you calmly vocalize your needs, give them a chance to improve, and then walk away when they don’t, then you are secure.
As an avoidant person that is actively working on healing these patterns, I strongly agree with this information and advice.
Adults have a responsibility to be emotionally available *before* entertaining a relationship.
It is not the partner’s responsibility to do that work for them, or train them in the relationship.
Both adults are supposed to show up to a relationship ready and able to bond deeply and reciprocally as it develops over time.
This is the story of my previous relationship 100%. It was the hardest breakup of my life and I’m still healing after heartbreak. I’m now realizing that it isn’t so much him that I miss but it was the dream of the future I had in my head like a fantasy that would’ve become a nightmare if it actually happened. So I’m grateful for the breakup even though it was brutally painful.
My story too- I forced myself to leave and it's been incredibly difficult. Going on 2 years now, and I still long for what might have been, even though logically I know I made the right choice. I heard the phrase "rejection was your protection", and I keep reminding myself of that. We deserve reciprocity in relationships.
@@jill3330 that is a good phrase to remember, I’m sorry you have gone thru this pain as well. Hugs to you. It’s so very hard and it hurts so much but I try to remember also that sometimes the breakup is the blessing. You got this!
@@ShopgirlNY182 😘
Same... All Illusions..
Utter users..
We deserve better. Single & happy or destined to have the real deal one day.
Living life in the meantime!🎉
They waste beautiful ppl's energy... I picture him being spoon-fed by a Nurse in a home, when he's past all the shenanigans 🤷♀️ SAD.
I wish I had the confidence and knowledge about avoidants in my 20s that I do now in my 30s. I stayed silent most of the time…let them stonewall and ice me out. Rather than just outright come out and communicate my feelings or concerns. I’d let them go. They are incapable of holding themselves accountable or apologizing. It’s hard not to take it personally sometimes but it really has nothing to do with me. I wish them healing. I am enough. I am secure. And I deserve the love I give.
As an anxiously attached person, I recently got dumped by my avoidant. It was harsh! But she was my first avoidant, and I actually got to understand attachment styles from this situationship. A big learning lesson in life!!!
Your videos, coach, have helped tremendously. I didn't even know what boundaries were. I was always catering to my partner as much as I could, even in my past relationships before I was with the avoidant. I now know what path I need to take. Your videos help! Straight to the point, no unnecessary BS to get views or subs, just pure facts.
Legend!
There are many avoidant people who are quite capable of being warm and loving but will never entirely lose the fear of having to abandon self in a relationship (because that’s what happened in childhood-to be loved, they had to be who the loving parent said they were). Not respecting that wound just drives the avoidant further away. Demanding closeness based on “needs” is proof to the avoidant that the other person wants to take over emotional control and define the relationship, and ultimately the avoidant’s personhood, on their own terms, just like the parent did. That may not be the intent, but that’s how it lands. So yes, maybe go two separate ways. The avoidant with the capacity to love will commit to a partner who accepts the avoidant’s need for space and trusts him/her to come close at times. An avoidant needs to learn how to express boundaries more than the anxious person does. An avoidant person’s avoidance is their only way of not being run over, because they never learned to hold boundaries in relationship. They think they aren’t allowed to say “NO I don’t want that right now.”
I know this because I am one.
Or they think they’re not allowed to say “No, that’s not who I am.”
Perfectly said.
Wow, you described me so well.
Also, as someone who was parentified as a child, demanding more attention and emotional labor from me is a sure way to push me away. I will support my partner, of course, but I cannot be their therapist. It completely drains me, as it brings me back to the position of sacrificing myself for others and walking on eggshells around their feelings, to the point of losing who I am.
Their need for closeness and attention is valid, and my need for space is valid as well. They are just not compatible.
Thank you thank you. Absolutely sick of how avoidants are framed as narcissists and monsters while anxious types are the sweet loving doormats. Like why do I have to bend over backwards to meet your emotional demands? Why can’t you just accept that I’m trying and respect that I need space? That’s why I hate this attachment types philosophy. It’s so freaking toxic
Space means seeing others to them. They might love you back, but the behaviour eats away at the secure partner. It is tragic in every single way.
As an avoidant, I think the internet has demonized us. Sometimes we just need space to think and be by ourselves. Intimacy is our fear so we need to digest everything and take longer than other styles to get adjusted.
The problem lies in the fact that many avoidants don’t communicate. It’s not the pulling back, it’s the lack of proper communication and honesty that makes it so difficult.
Avoidants also have needs and are not always some players who are out to get you. Our needs are to take it slow and easy, because entering a relationship triggers fears. Fears are not easy to deal with we cant always adjust to the pace the other person wants us to adjust, no matter how much we want to on a conscious level.
I feel for you. I hope you can find happiness and give it to someone as well. Stay safe.
It's all too easy to identify a group or behaviors and say "this is the thing that hurt me"
I 100% agree with you that communication is the key thing …. Just keep talking to each other
@@ChadVulpes Thank you. Stay safe yourself and take care
I agree with you 100%, but my suggestion for avoidance would be to have better communication. You will have to use your words a lot more because your actions show nothing.
fearful-avoidant that has been working on not pulling away or running away here, just as Coach said, avoidants feel an intense anxiety when they feel the relationship getting closer. in my own experience, this can be the similar for anxious or avoidants, what is actually happening at that moment is because the avoidant is feeling comfortable or safe, much of what they have repressed or suppressed is coming up to the surface so the person may feel vulnerable, they will most likely not know that this is what they are feeling or why, they may not know theres a trauma, and not just run of the mill vulnerability, it is as if you are back to being that kid who wanted to cry, but you swallowed those tears. They think they want distance and sometimes it is needed so that those strong emotions cool off a bit, but for me what has helped is: understanding, being told they weren't going anywhere, and since these feelings take you back to that child state; warm embraces, being told they are loved despite their struggle. To Be Clear it is not anyone elses job to fix an avoidant, but a loving caring friend, partner, family member can help them heal in their journey. but it starts with them recognizing their pattern (deactivation strategy) and want to change. hope this helps.
Thisss. So good. Thank you for sharing a bit of your process
What deactivation strategy? How did you make progress?
Thanks for sharing your experience, strength and hope
@@Andrea-g7h8w when I started this journey my therapist recommended me the book called “Attached” the new science of adult attachment, chapter 6 sheds light on an avoidants thinking.(I chose the audiobook) It has been a battle, learning to not fear love(couldn’t even say the word), having someone who understands, for some they maybe didn’t get words of affection or were neglected emotionally by their caretaker or maybe suffered some way, you may need to find out what they faced and help them see it wasn’t their fault and know and see they are worth loving(as all do) regardless of this thing they have buried that they may not remember, lots of patience and reassurance for both involved.
@@Redave151 now me telling him I am not going anywhere just makes his return time longer .. if I leave him free without texting anything, he would return in 4-5 days, that too he texts me when I am sleeping so he can kill 2 birds at the same time: it gets to the record that he did send text and reach out to me and that I was unavailable at the moment to answer him! When I respond back, he wants me to believe he is busy, hence no reply!but when he comes one step closer being intimate (he himself initiates those special times.. he surprises me what a passionate lover he is on the other side of the coin! But the more intimate he comes, I know the more time he'd be gone after! The same happens if I text him I ain't going anywhere, I understand.. again the pull is long ! Could you please send me a sample of small text msg that you'd like to hear during your intense pull away? I'm asking this so I get a hold on not underplaying or overplaying you see. Btw we are LDR at the moment and he did promos to marry me in few months as soon as I return to our hometown! He also says Everytime when he returns he wants 4 babies from me! Good Lord
@@Redave151 I was developing this ego you know . . . If he wants let him text and I am not going to work for this relationship any more! Period! But the truth is..I didn't know what to say to him.. so I wanted to go off like the sour grape mechanism
A secure person leaves when an avoidant pulls away; it’s a natural, healthy reaction.
Because a secure person says "I don't need someone who doesn't need me"
Avoidants are creating their own self fulfilling prophecy
@smokingcrab2290 Not exactly. A secure person doesn't need anyone on the first place. If an avoidant unhealed person starts their little game we don't even play. Reason is peace is everything after you healed and happy will never ever give this away to anyone. No drama...
The secure person just do NOT love anybody. He/she is dealing instead. "You give me sex, I`ll give you money" (or vica versa).
@@bbetty83 The secure person just do NOT love anybody. He/she is dealing instead. "You give me sex, I`ll give you money" (or vica versa).
I held my boundary, and he left and tried blaming the non-communication on me.. glad he walked out so I didn’t waste my time
The hardest thing I've experienced is gaslighting when calling out avoidant behavior. Calm and respectful approaches to the topic didn't make a difference. By the end of the conversation, I would be comforting and reassuring the other person that I wasn't trying to hurt or attack them... Then at night, I'd lay awake wondering why I felt so neglected.
Oh. My. Goodness.
I've felt so alone when this happened. You try to bring up something in a calm manner, using "I feel" statements. No superlative language. And by the end of it all, you're comforting them, and telling them that it's okay, and maybe there is no problem at all.
I'm sorry you've gone through that. It hurts and feels so isolating. Sending you love ❤
Wow. This is…wow. Sending you hugs because I never felt so understood and sad 🥺 My issue is I let people use me because of the savior complex. My brain tells me to be everything I would need, or be everything I didn’t have to them. Not realizing that I give myself responsibility for things that are not mine. Sending you hugs. This is SO hard. ❤
That's sweet of you all ❤️ I think most people have experienced a toxic relationship. It's important to feel heard, so I appreciate the comments and empathy. My heart goes out to those who have had a similar experience as well. You're not alone. You are worthy of love. And what you went through is not okay.
Sounds like narcissism
Exactly what happened to me.
Or... they associate emotional closeness with enmeshment because BoyMom met her emotional needs through her son and now he's a mess as an adult, so he lovebombed you but once you were married he flipped the switch and now pulls away from you, even rebels against you, because he's taking all his sh1t with his Mom out on you. But you can't figure out whst the hell isgoing on for 15 years because back then there wasn't information available like there is now. And when you were seriously considering divorce, your Mother and your church leaders scared you into staying with their shaming. Ugh. If only I had known sooner.
Porn addiction.
Boy/mom shit is seriously the worst.
I’m sorry. I married into a narcissistic enmeshment religion as an excuse type family as well. I’m five years out. Still healing. Hope you are getting better. Forgiving myself for what I didn’t know or recognize was the hardest part.
right there with you ruined my entire life took absolutely everything
@@SENSEF yes, I’m only avoidant with one person. My abusive bpd husband
Just tell them we aren't compatible and goodbye.... I have needs and expectations and this isn't going to cut it
A secure person has no time for avoiders.
Thank you. ❤ WOW. This is EXACTLY what I went through the past 10 months. SPOT ON. It ended badly. She hurt me in the most cold hearted way in my most vulnerable moment. 6:46 We went through exactly what you describe. One sided. She loved herself and did not love me. I loved her and did not love myself enough. Worked great for her. I could never imagine treating someone the way she treated me. So strange how different people can be. And she is a psychologist that specializes in relationships. Oh the irony. I sat back listening to her lecture on and on. She had my heart and my wallet in a trance.
Sounds like she was a narcissist not just an avoidant. Emotionally aware avoidants can be very loving they just need space. There’s a difference.
she didn’t love herself either. it wasn’t personal. i’m so sorry you went thru this. you didn’t deserve that at all. she didn’t deserve you. she lost. now you can keep all your love for you and someone equally deserving❤️🩹🌹
yes. She did have narcissist behaviors as well. That came to me later. 🙏
Thank you. ❤
We call that a master manipulator. Clearly she has no desire on doing shadow work, or dealing with her s***. There is a reason why people like that go into that field to be masters at it.
I love this so much. I had an anxious attachment style for most of my life. Meeting a dismissive avoidant, who I thought was my soulmate, triggered me into finally facing the patterns that played out in all of my relationships, and lead to me beginning to heal it. I cried when I watched this because now see how much I’ve changed. I have been chatting to a new person online, but his replies aren’t asking me questions or developing the conversation. Before, I would have kept on trying, even asking them why they weren’t asking me questions. This time, I have just disengaged. No discussion about it. I did consider that it was triggering my anxious side (why isn’t he in to me?), but no, I realise it isn’t that. I just deserve more. I want someone who is going to meet me half way, and it’s okay to want that. It doesn’t make me demanding or needy. Healing is so important. Recognising patterns of behaviour and what is triggering them is key. If I can change my attachment style, anyone can!
If someone pulls away from you, you don’t need to go back to them and explain why you don’t want to be with them anymore. It is as if you are asking them if they are absolutely sure that you are _really_ their option 😂. No need to explain *_anything_* to anyone. You already have your answer. You just need to do you and move on to someone who will value you as much as you value them ☺️👍🏼.
really wish more videos talked about the mental impact avoidants have on others to explain what they are going through. It was pretty unnerving feeling anxious over someone who was already gone.
I did exactly what you advised. And when I said I wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship, and left, after two weeks he called and asked if we could talk. We got back together and he really tries. I always remain calm and don’t push it much. I explain that when he distances, it makes me want to distance too.
@@joannegild8001 that is just to breadcrumb you may be! He appears once in a month.. His childhood and early adulthood has been very hard.. I understand but.. well he says 'this is one way pathway! I don't show love and care outside' why did he go through a honeymoon phase with me? Promising love marriage and four kids? When he can't even make time for me.. I had never felt this alone even when I was not in relationships!
I'm pretty secure and have had some really lovely long term relationships with no such issues (10 years plus) In saying that my recent girlfriend shut down emotionally one evening for no apparent reason after 3 near perfect months together. I felt some serious anxiety over that, it hit me right out of the blue. I had to really ground myself and findf the balance, which meant ending the relationship after 4 days of that crap. I have close to zero tolerance of emotionally stunted people and she simply had to go. Avoid the avoidant at all costs !
Good for you! I'm sure you had already gone the extra mile to be a great partner, even if for example you weren't perfect. Whatever triggered them is on them, not you. You did your best by trying to be available when they were not communicating their needs at all. Cheers to you. And I'm glad that you stood up for yourself.
@@FloraSora ....none of us are perfect, that's understood, just that when one or other partner is emotionally unavailable then you are unable to sort out differences which can grow into resentments and on it goes. It's a real shame but having been involved with one of these people many years ago I know how it works and they never face up to themselves, they do not take personal responsibility and they tend to blame their partner for their stufv instead. My life is just too good to bother with that sort of nonsense and it's because I am so content that she was so attracted and heavily invested in the relationship, till she had to sabotage it and destroy it. What can you do, right ? You can save people so you just have to walk away. I'm sure she is still wondering what hit her and maybe facing up to those consequences and the loss of something special maybe, just maybe she might do some work, though I dount it unfortunately.
Your presentation was calm and therefore not overstimulating. I appreciate that.
Every word you said is correct. I was an anxious attachment so I begged him and lost my boundary, but it didn't work and only torturing myself. Then i drastically forcing myself to jump to secure attachment. I said to him : "These are what i expect in relationship (gave him some points). If you continue to neglect my needs, I can't do this anymore and I must leave". He left me on read for weeks. Then i blocked him on everything.
@Dzl-dazzling I'd like to know how you forced yourself to secure attachment as you put it - takes anxious attachment years of DBT!
@arabellacox i just realized that I must keep my dignity. Anxious attachment is not attractive and push people away
I’m feeling so sad and guilty for breaking up with him because I still love him and I could have been more understanding. I know his behaviors come from his childhood traumas. But I couldn’t stand anymore all the silent treatments, pulling away, low to no communication and breadcrumbing. I have my needs too. I’m happy to know that I am way more secure than I thought. Thank you for this video. I subscribed immediately ❤
At least you didn't marry him
Good for you!
Sometimes you need to let the consequences fall into their organic place, for the impact to make a difference in his life. hopefully he reflects on his behaviors and decides to change, for his own lasting wellbeing and happiness ❤
Thanks buddy. Suffered so much pain trying to compromise with an avoidant. Wish I’d found this beautifully clear video on the day it was published back in August. Would have saved me three more months of pain. But I had to work it out for myself. I finally stood my ground. Calmly asserted my boundaries (I’d tried before too, but negotiated). They not only pulled back they pulled away completely, and dismissed the relationship altogether. Left. I cried for hours. But the relief I feel tells me the truth. This is utterly unhealthy no matter how much I loved them. I deserve respect for my time and my needs. They’re just not my person. Now I am free. Thank you.
I used to be an anxious person but after I worked on my self concept and stuff recently I experienced being in a relationship with an avoidant and I actually reacted how you said and I’m so proud of myself even tho it did hurt but I chose myself and I love me for it
Fair enough, i understand it.... i just don't have to tolerate it. These people usually aren't self aware enough to heal, and it isn't my job to show them.
“Hey- I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent together it seems like you and I have different goals - we different desires in a relationship that ultimately not compatible and I am gonna seek someone who is inline with what I want and need.”
As an avoidant I say: Don't let the door hit you on the way out. ❤
I need to watch this every day to remind me. I have an anxious attachment style but I did actually show up secure in so many ways and this video validates that. I took the step to share my needs and she didn’t care. The only thing that would bring her back from shutting me out, is if I shut down myself- and it felt so unhealthy. So I ended it.
Hey Marissa, i am going through a similar situation. The pain is unbareable. If you have time, I would like to talk.
@ hey humanity, it always helps to have a healing bud, I’m open to talking. What’s your contact?
20 years married to an avoidant. Yes I am anxious. He finally agreed to therapy but I so dry. He neglected me emotionally and sexually. Everyone out there thinks that men need sex or to make love, nope not always the case. It’s so painful to not be pursued by your husband or pushed away. I hope we can heal our wounds and build a new marriage. I am just tired.
Let them. The avoidant's trauma is theirs to recognize and heal.
Exactly. Avoidant here.
That is true, but the avoidance will never recognize that because he probably does not even know being fearful. You can heal when you realize and find out that you are traumatized, and that this trauma comes from the childhood otherwise an avoidant person acts all the time and never relationship the same way trying to protect himself by being abandoned or hurt again as he was in his childhood. But it is so normal to him the way he lives and acts, and he’s not aware of how it is to have loving and close relationship to somebody else as he probably couldn’t trust his parents and growing up with inconsistent parents who never took care of your needs means to never be able to trust anybody else in the world.
Like an Eskimo, who does not know how it is to feel the warmth and how pleasant and beautiful it is - the same with an avoidant person.
Let them go. Let them pull away and do nothing but smile. Maybe thank them for being so obvious, and then walk away yourself and get an ice cream.
Exciting video, A year ago i took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didn't go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isn't always Rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is, to have me, we compliment each other
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.
I feel your pain, sister. after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
I felt like I was being needy, when I was telling her of wanting to see her just once a week. For me it felt like not a lot to ask for, but for her it was too much. Now I realize I have been secure in communicating my feelings and wants in the relationship, and not being needy. Thank you man
This past few months has been an eye opener for me, the one I love, the one i cherish still Left me, I lost alot of friends because of her, she often said they were bad influence on me, and she still left me, i still love her and that is what hurts the most. Love sometimes is unexplainable and cruel.
I feel your pain,Believe me I do, i was in a similar position, he left me, but i couldnt just let him go because i knew i was the cause of it, i chose my work over him and the kids, I didnt want to loose him, so i contacted a spiritual counsellor for advice on how to get him back and to my greatest surprise it worked out, she brought him back to me, and its been over a year and half, i have never been this happy.
Thank you for this, I know i wasnt alone on this i often sit and think what i will become without her because i have no one else, I think i might just give this a try,how did you get in touch with him/her, if you do not mind me asking.
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
@@PspTomisi please do not fall for this spiritual guide scam. Ive seen very similar posts popping up all over. They respond to desperate people still in love. My advice, work on your own issues and heal instead of trying to get your person back. But dont be twice the fool. Scams are everywhere
The only thing I’d change in the speech said by the Secure person is that I would say I just want to end things (and not find someone else).
Saying I want to just end things keeps the topic contained. They’re fine - the Avoidant is perfectly fine as they are. The situation and dynamic didn’t work out for me and I’m calling “time” on a situation I think is hopeless and wasting of my precious time and energy.
They may think I will move on and find someone else. Yes, I’m sure I will. But all in good time. I don’t need to say that out loud. The healing process between relationships is important, and I go through that healing process before opening to another relationship.
It also helps mitigate the Avoidant responding and saying they’ll try and change. No, that’s ok, you don’t have to change, I don’t want anyone in my life right now.
The End.
I'm so grateful to be a secure attachment person. I literally did this last week to an avoidant. I really liked him and would have loved more from him but I understood he wasn't able to give me what I wanted him to give me so I sent him a nice message and blocked him on everything. I do miss him but not so much it's unbearable or making me feel bad about myself or making me want to change my mind. I also feel great I can just walk away and move on without it affecting my whole life. Just started texting someone else and feeling much more comfortable with his interactions with me. Who knows where this one will lead.
Brutal, sounds like you had the other guy as a backup plan smh
@terence.j😂😂😂
@@terence.j We were both still on dating apps while getting closer to eachother and it was getting to the point that I needed more commitment from him or to keep looking for someone who will commit in the way I need. I'm not a player 🤣 or a cheater.
Thank. I have finally learned and adapted from anxious avoidant to secure. It has been through Gods grace and mercy.
Definitely exactly what my last relationship was....I tried and tried because I noticed a distance and lack of the communication that we NEEDED..,...so I had to go 😢....sucks though cause she meant the world to me
Lol. I'm anxious type, and now my knee-jerk reaction is jump to the last step. "Our needs do not align", and I'm out. If I get in a relationship with avoidant again, I'll try the middle step too (telling him my needs and expectations and giving him a chance to do better first)
This right here… don’t ever be afraid to communicate what you need and if those needs aren’t met, walk. 🚶🏽♀️
Run. Don't WALK.
Excellent video. I just don't have the time and energy for push and pull relationships. When a person pulls away, I notify them, in case they're not aware of this behaviour. If I get excuses and other such unproductive reasoning, I leave for good. There's nothing further to talk about
Let go of what has passed.
Let go of what may come.
Let go of what is happening now.
Don’t try to figure anything out.
Don’t try to make anything happen.
Relax, right now, and rest.
Amen 🙌🙌🙌 well said !
@@Miracle-Needed love this
I just went through this last weekend. He was pulling away and decided he wanted to cut out all the intimacy and just be platonic friends. That he isn't in the right mind space for an intimate relationship. I told him i can't do that and im not going to wait around for him to decide hes ready.
Same
Proud of you ladies ❤
My avoidant went from hot to cold suddenly in 3 weeks it wasn't gradual, it was sudden.
He refused to talk about it. Suddenly, he just out of the blue said he "needed his space" , and never once bothered to look at me, he just stared at the tv the entire time.
As I cried, and questioned him, and even brought up that he went from hot to cold like flipping a light switch, he ONLY said "yes I did" he knew exactly what he was doing. A narcissist discard. He want from future faking, making plans for cruises next year, telling me to look for another house with a 2 car garage instead of 1, ect, to discarding me.
He never seemed a bit concerned about my crying or confusion, his second sentence to me after I spent 20 mins trying to have a conversation for charity or closure, he said "scurry on down the road back to your own house" the ONLY time he looked at me was when I said to him "I hope whoever you're dumping me for makes you happy" he denied having anyone, but said "IF I start dating anyone, I'll tell you, but we can still be friends" he still didn't look at me , I said " I said I don't play games, I don't do the friends with benefits thing, and UNLESS YOU GET HELP AND COUNSELING, DON'T YOU DARE START A RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE, OR IT WILL BE THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!" ....That is the ONLY time that m'fer even bothered to look at me, when i mentioned counseling and seeing other women. That's proof it was a avoidant man i was dealing with doing a narcissistic discard. He went from asking me about my ring size to discard in 3 weeks. I see why his marriage ended. It felt almost as bad as when my late husband died, but this guy showed he never loved me, it was just a cat and mouse game.
@@rebeccalucas6063 I meet this man, a highly respectable military officer, he literally was very sweet, I woke up to his texts every morning, slept when he slept, 3 good weeks , he proposed me marriage , 4 kids he said he wants, brought the words like love, intimacy talks and all only to start showing his other side! We are long distance at the moment, he said as soon as I return to our homeland, he was going to come and marry me and sweep me with him to his place.. then boom gone! He himself talks too intimate, when she talks anything intimate, I start panicking because straight after he would be gone for so long depending on how intimate he talks! I rather wish he talks like friends, then he would stick around, suddenly talk close and be gone! If his ex hadn't told me, I wouldn't have known that this behavior has a name! She spoke no ill of him except that the pull and push was toxic to her soul and quit with him! But you know what he spoke so bad and indecent of her saying 'she lacked discipline and respect'
Spot on. This experience I’m currently enduring is cruel. And I will communicate a strong boundary. What a tremendous loss…for him.
Anxious attached people are also controlled by abandonment triggers, but the avoidant has gone a step further to become a total inhumane person.
Ansiousor fearful avoiders are equally as disturbed and hspukd not get into a relationship, never mind add a child to their toxicty, unti the have healed some of their wounds. They are both fkd up.
I agree some avoidants are horribly irresponsible, but most of us suffer just as much as an anxiously attached person. And this is coming from someone who shifted from one side to the other due to an avoidant (ironic, I know). I dare to say avoidance is the ultimate response to pain when crying and begging no longer work. It ain't pretty to deal with. You live with so much guilt, anxiety, and loneliness, from not being able to give people what they deserve.
@@UnsuspectingCommenterPassingBy ALLLL avoidants are horribly irresponsible people. You are not better than the other breed of infidels thay dont want to face thwir sh1t,, in fact you may be a tad but worse, judging avoiders while claiming you are an avoider? Like wtAf? That's narcassim in nutshell right here 👌
Your voice is so calm.
Glad I watched the video.
I am anxiously attached to an avoidant partner, 20 years have gone by.
Coach spoke so eloquently but with passion - I never realised until now that I am the prize !
Avoidants need to work on personal development and get therapy. It’s not our responsibility to be their therapist.
Thank you. No one ever told me this. I always thought I wanted too much. I don’t. I just want a healthy happy relationship full of love. ❤️
Let them go! You can’t force someone to engage, and would you really want to? That’s not a relationship!
This video popped up at just the right time. Gives me confirmation that I am shifting into a more secure attachment style bc I did exactly what you said in this video. Thanks for the validation
I was going to say the same thing. Just some validation that I'm responding securely to others and lovingly towards myself.
Everyome has similar traumas but different responses. We shouldnt run away from a person, learn how to love and grow together, but if they arent willing, its better to get space until they realize. Never judge another.
I suspect I’ve been both anxious and avoidant at various times. In my last relationship, I was very engaged until I got the sense that she was not being fully honest with me, and she started to unravel. So I pulled back, and she said she didn’t want a “one-sided relationship”. She didn’t realize that I was “avoidant” because after I realized she hadn’t been fully honest I think I was mentally checked out and looking for a way to leave with my heart and dignity intact. When I tried to finally tell her, she felt “attacked” and like I wasn’t being loving anymore. It felt like a no-win situation so I all but broke it off and let her leave. She was a bit controlling at times, so I knew it would go better if she got to control the breakup.
Just be aware that just because you’re seeing “avoidant” behavior doesn’t mean you’re secure and they’re messed up. It could also be they’re avoiding you for a very good reason, and you aren’t being accountable for it!
This seems twisted. But you also seem to want equality. I can’t untwist it. But maybe get an expert opinion
Weird, so did you actually find out that she lied? Because otherwise it's just an assumption. All her reactions seem legit.
If you pull away, I'll let go. I'll be fine. 😂
So basically they’re triggered by healthy relationships.
Sometimes people just need to really do some inner healing and before that happens, they should probably not be in an intimate relationship. I’m there to, hopefully making progress.
This
It’s fine if you’re a secure person. But it’s hell if you are an anxious person.
That's not try, it can actually make a secure person anxious. It can damage someone's previously healthy attachment style.
For the avoidant people out there: 1. Just heal already and stop messing with people who actually want to invest in a relationship. 2. Don't try being in a relationship if you know you do this.
Spiritually, I believe you all are created so that people can learn to love themselves first. Never knew about this until I had couples therapy with my soon to be ex husband. He didn't know either, he just classified himself as weird and his previous exwife classified him as weird and out of it.
They should teach people this in school. Love and light to you all❤
"Just heal already" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
@mimah1015 it's the simplest thing really. Ppl just are cowards. No one who's gone through it can say the people not healing are not cowards because healing is ugly, takes time, breaks everything about you, you thought you were. It's so much, you almost go crazy because everything finally makes sense and you point out your own faults then work at them. Meanwhile, when you are reaching another version of you who is evolving and doesn't make bad choices or gets stuck on bad habits, everyone you used to be fine with just does not feel ok to you anymore. So then you look around like, damn, are they gonna go through this? Most likely, but not any time soon. I ask why not? I can't stand the response of, "everyone is on their own path", but I know it's true. We are a ripple effect. So once you see that, just clear your path and move forward. But FR, why can't they just stop with it already? (In the big cosmic web of life, we know they volunteered to continue being their brokenselves to be teachers of lessons to others). Crazy, messed up, exactly what we need? Who knows. Only Source/God knows. But it makes sense to me and allows me to forgive those who've hurt me easily and move forward just as easily. We're just mirrors to each other. Glad you had a laugh♥️ love and light to you
I sent him a msg saying if our needs are different then different options will show up. I’m watching this video a few weeks post that - hadn’t seen this before. Thank you Coach Ryan for letting me know that I am now a secured person. I think I’m going to treat myself with ice cream tonight. I’ve made serious progress. This video comes after I sent that msg and now I know I am fking sane and balanced ❤❤❤❤
A secure person does not engage in “relationship” with avoidant partners in the first place. They (the avoidant) tend to “smell” the insecurity and even co-dependency patterns and they naturally go for it. If you have a historic of avoidant people in your “relationship cv”, that is a clear sign that you need to work on yourself and heal those profound beliefs of self-worthiness.
Great video, btw: straight to the point and very clearly explained.
the caveat is in my case - i was anxious, he was avoidant. In the process of building up my security as a means to grow/be patient during the times of his withdrawal, I became secure enough to walk away (enforce the boundary).
No matter how kind and patient I was in stating my needs, my avoidant made no signs of improvement at all, only apologies after the fact.
I healed a lot on account of our relationship-and healed so much that I finally saw I deserved better.
Self care/self love/enforcing boundaries really is a worthiness game! ❤️
So the lesson is, as always: COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION.
This really breaks my heart. My friend is like this. It hurts bc I have so much love I want to give him. Anytime I say something "emotional" he stops talking.
And you don't deserve to pour into anyone who can't even reciprocate. Move on...while your heart ❤️ is intact.
Sounds like an avoidant only becomes fearful and avoidant when they are emotionally invested. So, their fears will be confirmed by the break, giving them concrete foundation for & fortfying their avoidant behavior? I feel bad for the avoidant that is madly in love and doesn't understand what is causing their behavior.
No, I will NOT be doing all of that work EVER again. I see you switching up, I communicate to you about this ONCE. If you continue with the nonsense behaviour, I'm out and I WILL ghost you. I've been waaay too empathetic in the past; no more Mr Nice Guy.
❤🙏🏽 - I wish I had known about all this 9 years ago. I held boundaries at the end but felt so miserable before, and even after that, as I didn't understand what was happening. 5 years ago, he tries to come back and I still held the boundaries with an still aching heart. And three months ago, I learned he'd married and has a child now. A marriage by convenience but still, a serious commitment. Somehow the boundaries shattered apart and I found myself brokenhearted all over. It is when I found about Coach Ryan's videos at last. Now, working very hard in putting my head and heart back together and making sense of all the mess... Still hurting but at least I am understanding a lot of the blanks I had and stopped blaiming myself. What a life test, my God! 💔
To put things into perspective, his wife is not and won’t be a happy woman, rest assured. Their child will also suffer trauma of having an unavailable parent. You saved yourself from a lifetime of pain.
Thanks @sylph99 . I have also thought about that. I feel sorry for them too, even for him. It's sad.
But thank you for saying it. It helps the recovering process.
The very very best video I saw on this topic… Every other tell you how to cope with these people, which in my opinion, is impossible to do unless you destroy yourself in the process….
Unhealthy too!!! Nobody got time for that bs!
Thank you. It s been taking 8 years but I responded as a secure person instead anxious❤
An avoidant disappears when you set healthy boundaries or expectations...
Wow! This really hit home. I’m the anxious one that was rejected by the avoidant. I was self-sacrificing to try to hold onto him when I felt him distancing himself… 💔 Clearly I need to work on my security. Thank you for this clarity
This is me too
This explained things so clearly. I wish I had heard this years ago. It was such a painful experience being in love with an avoidant.
Unless they make the effort to heal nothing will ever change. They are a victim, but making another person a victim of their behaviour is not acceptable and no change or effort from them, walk.
Whats felt, doesnt have to be said. Asking questions and being available, solves these problems. I understand avoidants, but that doesnt mean one should subject themselves to the treatment. Gracefully, I bow out
He was cheating. I’m getting a divorce. Guys, don’t deal with this shit anymore. When someone treats you like shit believe them. When you have to beg them to consider your needs believe that they don’t care. It’ll save you a lot of heartache. Stop projecting the same care and kindness you would give onto the way someone is treating you and just accept that they just don’t feel the same way about you that you do about them and that’s okay. It’s okay to not be their person. Never force anyone to see you, understand you and treat you right especially if you have to keep telling them. If someone doesn’t want to grow and love equally in the relationship with you, it’s not worth it and its even worse when you have to be the thing keeping you together because if you do nothing everything falls apart from their lack of effort. Stop it. No more. Don’t do it anymore. Let them go. Let them do what they want to do and quietly see yourself out. Put the spotlight, focus and energy into what you want and need.
So many men and woman NEED to hear this. It’s painful!!! And it’s not selfish to consider yourself in the equation.
God bless you out there❤️🙏
✌️ peace
Amen. Thank you for your comment…. You need to go to a CODA meeting to understand why you tolerated it.
( just a suggestion, because it helped me )
It’s painful to let go!!! Divorce is brutal. But half the work is accepting what it really was.
God bless you on your walk❤️🙏
If you find yourself giving space consistently to someone , accept they need some healing on their own and let them leave . Make sure you dont give them another shot either . - a dismissive avoidant
As an avoidant, I appreciate the secure person holding that boundary. To me, if this happens, it means that either I still need that space and solitude to fix those pesky triggers and wounds, OR I feel some other incompatibility- but don't trust myself to know the difference! Believe me, that can be frustrating as hell.
But I still genuinely am in the habit of taking care of myself because nobody else should have to- I am quite a bit of work with a chronic neurological illness, and some serious abandonment events in the past. While it would be nice to have a friend being there as I work through constant changes with therapists and introspection, "it's not nice to be wasting another person's time" is usually my conclusion. So I pull away. Don't let that be mistaken for that I'm "not working on myself" or that I "don't deserve love" or I'm "doing this on purpose." More like, sometimes I just don't wish this storm on anyone else, and other times I sense a hero complex in the already confusing mix.
Be good to yourselves-- and let yourselves be loved. Boundaries are healthy! ❤
I can relate to absolutely everything you just said! We are very similar - I am an avoidant with a very complex past with lots of trauma in my adult life. It IS frustrating as hell not always knowing if I’m not feeling compatible with someone or if it’s my avoidant tendencies wanting to flee the relationship.
I really need to talk all of this out with a therapist that understands relationships & the different behaviors I have in these relationships.
@kikismama the best thing of therapist said to me was that "you're not ultimately responsible for how someone feels about you but you can be upfront with the facts that you've learned about yourself." Especially about the complexity and if you're still working through things. Just because someone has an anxious attachment style doesn't take their choice away. It's OK to take a few steps forward and it's also OK to course correct if it doesn't feel right. I've finally reached a point where I feel more okay with the idea of "no longer being interested" or simply taking my time to explore my feelings. If it's interpreted as "fear of commitment" or "too many walls up!" Then yes- that might be true! but if I've shown some self awareness and communicated about it ( even if just to say that "communicating about it is very difficult!" )... being avoidant to me feels like a means to managing my broken nervous system and my independence, and it should not feel like a crime. It's okay to take a few steps forward and then decide you might want to take a few steps back. That part is called "dating". I'm trying to teach myself that I don't NEED to see the end game in order to explore relationships. And if somebody more anxious needs that in order to move forward with me, then maybe that IS the "incompatibility."
I ended a 1.5 year relationship after realising that this was the dynamic I was in. 2 months after that I met someone who I connect with in such a way that we quite literally intuitively know what the other person is thinking and feeling, she communicates with me and we both hold healthy boundaries, not to mention she addresses my needs in reciprocation too
Don’t be afraid to let go of something or someone if you’re not feeling nurtured people. I don’t mean that in a narcissistic way, I mean it in a self loving way
Yesss but dont confuse an avoidamt
For someone who is just not that into you
Either way it would be time to GO
@@stephaniecraftrealestate427 well I just think that if someone has an avoidant attachment style and you really love them, you can decide if you wanna give it a chance. A guy who is not that into you, you shouldn’t try to stay or to consider to give it a chance, that guy isnt replying as much because they are not that interested, you are not a priority, you are not even officially dating, its more like a situationship that is convenient for him, that is why it is important to know what is going on. Some women will try to give it a chance to a guy who simply see them as a fun thing to have sometimes just because they assume “he is into me he is just an avoidant” but the reality is that he is not an avoidant he just doesnt feel the same way about her
Thank you for this. Just ended a relationship with a man who started pulling away HARD. The flip felt unreal. He practically begged me to move in with him, told me I was "the one," and talked about having kids together. But only a few months later, he started working more, spending less time with me, and eventually started flaking on plans.
After repeated attempts at sharing my feelings and setting boundaries, I finally walked away 😔 It hurt that he wasn't willing to meet me halfway, but it hurt more to be connected to someone who didn't want to invest emotionally in me.
Did he make changes each time boundaries were set but not enough…
Or no matter how many times boundaries being set & the issue being discussed, behavior stayed the same?
-thanks
@@WhatSparksJoy the same issues kept recurring. Eventually, he got tired of making false promises.
That's not how it plays out though. The reality is that you do the first part, communicating what you've noticed and what you expect, and they dump and block you before you get chance to do it to them.
Almost all coaches best advice is to block them... I did... but I think I should first try final conversation. Maybe, maybe not. I agree with your opinion. Anyway I blocked him (I must say It was one of the most painful moment of my life...).. I hope, time will slowly heal my body and soul... but how long it will take...wish you all the best
Thats how you know it wouldnt work out anyways. Its better than staying together for years and being miserable.
@@annewoodcock-rr8zv so everything is ok then. Whays the problem? Its over, and they havent allowed you to try change or fix, or manipulate pr mammy them. And you also get to get over them. Or you can keep banging on about getting dumped. We all get dumped when faced with things we dont approve of. Mend you heart and move on. This is standard. Maybe they are avoiding nothing. They are just leaving. Avoiders often avoid breaking up and blame the other person for avoiding change, into your idea of what a relationship should be like.
@@HappyCrackers exactly.
@maxsheerin8219 I was simply stating what ACTUALLY happens when you follow the advice in this particular video. This approach doesn't lead to the outcome being suggested. That is all.
I'm pulling away too. People act like they can't feel themselves hurting you but all of a sudden they have feelings to feel when you treat them how they always treat you or maybe I was just dealing with a narc who likes to play mind games and play victim when he see the grip he thought he had on me was an illusion 😮💯
Right! My husband did this to me.
This has confirmed my suspicion that I was the anxiously attached person to my ex's avoidant.
I've been seeing someone on n off for a couple years now and he's very much avoidant and I was anxious working in being more secure. It's much easier for me to form and enforce boundaries now. It's just frustrating because he claims to love me, but I feel like I'm the only one actually focusing on us. I know he's busy, but I deserve more than bread crumbs. That's the part that made me go ...ohhhhhh.
Dude...I should have watched this over a year ago. Would have saved me a lot of grief. Thank you!
I tried so hard to encourage an avoidant person to stop being avoidant.
But we had an argument one day. I asked that we talk about it. What followed was 3 months of the avoidant pulling away with vauge lies and empty promises to make time for me eventually.
Finally i got fed up and told them that our friendship is over until they make time for me.
This video was a play by play on how our relationship deteriorated. They pulled away, so i left.
I'm an avoidant and i hurt many people because of who i am. and i was sometimes pursuing them or at least giving hints. i always regretted and became limerent. it sucks. hope that i'll get to a healthy place and hope that they'll find the power to forgive me or at least not hate me
I'm fearful avoidant and just recently pushed away the first man who I truly cared in over 4 years. I said really hurtful things to him, provoked him, because I needed to burn that bridge. It scared me to death that he was elevating into a position in which he could possibly hurt me or leave me. He's secure and he walked away, although he didn't do it in a kind or empathetic way. Regardless, I don't blame him. I mailed him an apology letter the next day, full accountability with no excuses. I regret the things I said. Despite decades of counseling, I'm still damaged. My words were just a ruse to test him and ultimately self-sabotage and demolish a potentially really good thing right as it was starting to take flight. I'm hoping that this very self-startling event will wake me up so that I don't ever do that again. I hope he forgives me but he doesn't owe me that.
I'm concerned you've had decades of counselling and haven't had EMDR therapy or Ayahuasca or magic mushrooms with a healer to help you heal childhood wounding. I would highly recommend it. My anxious attachment is melting away and I'm feeling connected to God and myself in a way I haven't before, I also have had several soul retrievals and entities have been removed. It's all energy
Thank you for this. You explained this so well. As a person with an anxious attachment that I’m trying to work on this made things so much clearer. I will keep this in the back on my mind everytime I need to reinforce my boundaries
Despite it hurting so badly and making me anxious i pulled away from an avoidant who I still care for because staying around being neglected, tested and taken for granted was worse
I’d put down boundaries and they’d become understanding and make a promise. Then do it again (stonewalling, mind games, etc.). Then, I’d move on to execute the consequences of my boundary being disrespected and they called it cheating because they blatantly refused to physically talk about the problem we were having. I would feel so much guilt. Not anymore. But I was really trusting. 😂
So, if they try this hack on you, don’t fall for it. You can and must move on. And they don’t deserve a conversation they weren’t even willing to have when you were theirs. ❤
Loving someone through all their insecurities is practically impossible
No matter how good you are to them it feels too good to be true and so they focus on the smallest parts of you that aren’t the best
They will project all their insecurities onto you as the reason they don’t feel great.
True.....THIS IS SO TRUE.
Its so true: if we would think of what we are loosing when staying in a bad relation we would leave without delay.
Yep. He abandoned me when I asked if he would consider living together. We had been together for two and a half years. He discarded me like trash.