Enneagram: Helping 4's Get Out Of Their Basement
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2020
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
More info at www.tomlahue.com/
Social Media Links: linktr.ee/drtomlahue
Facebook: / twlahue
Twitter: / twlahue
Instagram: / twlahue
Podcast: podcasters.spotify.com/pod/sh...
Also available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
Patreon Supporters: www.patreon.com/user?u=20899026
It's simple, Give if you want to and are able to...no pressure!
Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,
Wow!!! I needed to hear that.
Self pres 4w5. I thought there was something fake about me because im great at first impressions, interviews, first dates. Just fun and full of energy. But then the real me sneaks out and the melancholy wraps me like a warm blanket and that’s the space in which I live when I’m alone.
Jen Gibbs It is good to be reminded I’m not alone, even though as a wife, mother, and teacher life feels that way. Reading your post was comforting and appreciated Jen. From Pamela, 4w5
I used to think the same Jen ! 4w5 x
Ohh, I love a nice, warm melancholy blanket!🤗
Aha let's be best friends 😂
Thank you. 🙏
i literally laughed out lout at: "the average guy is probably thinking 'i thought we were just gonna go to coffee... I didn't know that you were gonna take me to the basement!!"
Lmao
That hit too close to home lol.
I've always used my basement as a filter. Cool stuff down there. Even coffee
Ditto 😂 “you can get a bit weighty” being a sp4, I look happy and light on the outside at first but the basement is real. 🤦🏻♀️
4w3 here. Watching this from my basement. Hope it helps! 🤣😂
Stephanie, you are far from alone ;)
Me too. Been trying to climb out all week!
😁😂 Funny
Lol
I’m loving my basement
Its so easy to wallow in the basement though.....damn having to be uncomfortable in order to grow....sometimes I get annoyed at my self awareness now😂
Watching this from my basement -4w5
I appreciate this comment so much 😂🤗❤
Same
“They want people to know that they are in that deep end of the pool” my brain had a “click” moment.
As a SP 4w5 I really get what you are saying, but it is extremely draining to grasp onto that wing 3! I volunteer at our church and on Sundays I really try to stay with that wing 3, trying to relate and greet everyone, but when I get home I nap for hours, in a coma state! I have yet in my life to meet anyone that wants more than a superficial relationship and I guess that's quite sad in reality. I think us 4's just really need that connection. Thank you for all your hard work on getting this information out to us, any advice on using that 3 wing is appreciated, it can be lonely in that basement.
Same here, one of the more comfortable ways for me to try and relate is with art. Music in my case, but also little things like discussing music or art with people is a way to address meaningful topics without exposing yourself too much.
Ian Hollingsworth Music Hello I'm a 4w5 as well and you say you like music ? Have you listened to Dimash-singing "SOS" make sure it's the contest one and not his concert better quality.
I remember my church days well. So glad to be out of all that as a 4.
@@karaquick395 wow I once said the exact same thing of poetry. Haha maybe I actually am four
Unbelievable how relatable that is
8 w7 man here, and my girlfriend is about as 4 as can be 😊. We have so much fun together, as she brings out my romantic side and in turn I give her some practicality, whether it’s planning dates or talking about a serious future together. I sometimes struggle though with her preoccupation with “the experience of ---“; she seems more about the journey than the destination sometimes, and is okay with things happening slowly. This is probably good for me as it teaches me patience but it’s still hard because I want her to succeed and I’m higher-energy so I have to back off the gas sometimes with her and let her process things.
I am amused by how serial killer-y it sounds to "meet someone in the parlor and invite them to the basement."
Hahahaha!
😂😂😂
Haven't finished watching yet but this is my dilemma with every little social task, I'm so disheartened by how whats expected are these conversations and surface interactions I just cannot mesh with, I have to put interaction, and getting out of my basement - fabulous analogy - on my to do list like it's a chore. It's gotten really bad, I'm withdrawn, and reconnecting with others feels like this monumental thing that requires me to be inauthentic
SP 4w5 here. After the COVID lockdowns, getting out of the basement seems almost impossible. Beforehand I was so good at getting out, joining groups and engaging. The lockdowns were great in the sense that I totally connected with my depth again. Now with life back to “normal”, I’ve got to find the balance again. Even if I don’t want to really.
@@momentmal5248I relate to your comment a lot.
You are INCREDIBLE! Thank you for sharing your gift of understanding people with the world. It means so much to us 4's to have someone who 'gets' us AND loves us for who we are. The reason why im able to receive your advice and guidance is because you EMPATHIZE with us and ENCOURAGE us to thrive. Enneagram teachers who make me feel bad about myself and paint the 4 as weird push me further into my basement. But you do the opposite - you help me see my gifts and how needed they are in the world. This motivates me to want to surface and express myself and connect with people on the 'main floor of the house'. Thank you for validating my presence in the world. You are awesome. Be blessed.
Couldn’t agree more!
4w5. You nailed it! This brought so much clarity to me. I am withdrawn and I do pull away from people to get my needs met. 😳 I’ve been praying and wrestling with the 3 shell. I’m struggling to develop it and it’s causing my life delay.
Very insightful. I'm a 4w5 and I loved it. Of course a 7 will know how to bring sunshine down to the basement!!
You're healing people! Thank you for these insights.
I am a 4w5 and I always feel like you are talking directly to me in your 4 videos lol I have a career in management and I'm always trying to tap into the 3
As a 4w5, I found this video very helpful especially in understanding my current pursuit of putting my ideas and writing out into the world. This quarantine, I actually pulled myself out of that ‘withdrawal’ state that I always use to spend my time with and just really started expressing myself out aloud and connecting with people, helping them out with my insight. Whilst I was doubting whether am I being authentic in doing so, I found later on that sharing your thoughts and ideas can be so fulfilling. Being able to help someone understand themselves is so amazingly gratifying. This video has been so helpful to me to recognize what I have actually accomplished in these past few months. Your M&M analogy was really really good and so was that basement analogy. Your understanding of four especially 4w5 is so profound that I am so amazed by how accurate it felt watching this video. Thank you so much for making such incredible videos!
It can be done. The more we go out of our comfort zone to understand others and ourselves, the happier we tend to be.
The profile bit at the start took me out cause it’s so true.
I’m so glad I’m not alone in this
Also a 4w5 here; way to shine the too-bright light onto our crusty eyes down in the basement. 😁 I don't think I see this "lean into your other wing" approach in other enneagram content. It seems deceptively simple, but of course requires the will and courage to take those steps! You've given me a lot to think about (but hopefully not for too long 😉). Thank you!
With your help, I am now free of diagnosis of my disorder, and I am sharing the info you have taught with the people in my disorder group. Thank you for changing so many lives for the better.
I recently heard an Interview from Beatrice Chestnut and I think Enneagramm 4 have this desire to dive deep fast. Because they think they can skip the "normal" Part of getting to know somebody, like: in which City are you Born, Do you have siblings, whats your favourite food. I also experimente this craving for deep emotions/connections with friends and in a relationship.
I think the underlying reason is NOT like we want to think of ourselves that we are so deep and purposedriven. I mean we are, but also I experience this underlying fear of1.) Being " usual" when talking about normal things 2.) Fear of rejection, because tend to please others and thinking we can prevent this by showing our core very quickly. Some people can deal with this, but if we doing this just because of fear, its Tricks to get to know the" Real you".
This is awesome! The first time I saw the enneagram I was like "yeahh right some fuckin new age personal development crap, as if I can be defined by a number", but I listened by accident to some enneagram therapist and his insights were astoundingly deep and subtle, so I gave the enneagram a second chance and did a personality test, read up on what it means and holy crap, this is awesome! I feel like I actually understand myself for the first time. I definately need to lean on the 3 to leave my dungeon and get back to the surface level, the "hello, how are you? oh I'm doing good and you? oh I'm doing great thanks for asking" world and contribute something. I already ordered three books on the enneagram, this is so insightful and interesting. Thanks for sharing this information for us basement 4's!
Glad to help
This is the most helpful 4w5 video I've ever seen! It feels a lot, a lot like confirmation that God is calling me to fly, to tap into my 3 wing, to SHARE what I've learned with OTHERS. Wow. Wow. Wow. I WEPT watching this. Thank you, Dr. LaHue.
Love the M&M analogy.
That shell is a part of you💚💛
Jennifer Mitchell that was my big ahh ha moment!!!
Thank you, this really helps me understand, not only where my 4w5 20 year old daughter is at, but why she really hates her 3w2 Dad....really doesn't want to be dragged out of her basement, wants to wallow....and is denying the w3 to her life....now, how on earth can I share this with her in a way she will actually hear.....okay, back to praying 🙏🙏🙏
Wow...That one is tough.
Having been wallowing longer than usual I needed to hear this.
Awesome
Thank you! I relate to this. I like the advice to meet people where they are, and then invite them into deeper conversation.
Just learning about this but when you said “what do you do to get out of the basement” I immediately thought “lean in to the other wing(3) I love how you called it the parlor! I think
I leaned heavily into the 3 when I was younger but as the years have gone on (I’m 47) I haven’t leaned that way in YEARS!
The ramones had a song about fours. It went hey romeo, I don't wanna go down to the basement
Wow. This is powerful and helpful. I'm already working on developing my 3 wing shell. I recently realized that you can get so much information about a person from small talk. It's like a non threatening approach to get access to people's information or information you will need later on . It was weird discovering that, but I'm now training myself with engaging in small talk...with delight and a positive attitude. Anyway, thank you Doc 🤗.
Thank you. I find it SO interesting that the 4 can benefit from leaning into the 3 and being more shallow. 4’s hate being shallow, however, I understand how being a little more light and surfacy can make us more approachable!
I abhor the idea of being even a bit shallow but it’s true, it’s what us 4’s needs to be able to thrive and feel satisfaction in our lives.
Lol the way you put it is spot on.
After frequent dreams about exploring basements and various houses during the pandemic, this finally popped up on my RUclips feed. ❤️ I often do have dreams about basements in homes, and those dreams are to spend getting more and more frequent lately. Thanks for helping me figure out what might be going on in my brain
Seriously- this is so helpful. Thank you. I’m an enneagram 4 and a mom of 4 kids- I’m trying to figure out how to be who I am and be worn out all the time from the constant givegivegive. I feel so emotionally exhausted that I’ve got massive burnout. I felt freest when I started teaching in CR and found how to exercise my 4w3 self. Not having interaction with others these last months has been so incredibly difficult. I look forward more to your insight (cause I don’t have the time or brain power to do it myself anymore with 4 munchkins under age 10 eating my brain 🙁).
Self preservation 4w5. This just made me snort... because you're so not wrong.
Thank you for this.
The problem is that you’re asking a type that is dead set on being authentic to lean on a wing that might not be their natural wing, and in a sense asking them to forgo their authenticity.
I imagine that it’s a big problem for 4w5s to get over that.
In 6th grade I used to bike to the library and would get books on meaning of life philosophy, plan to, big things..
No one would be my friend cause I would want to talk about that stuff instead of who's saying who
“Create a shell”
I think you just saved my life. Thank you.
Brilliant. The most helpful guide to the fours struggle. I was called 'a real deep thinker' in a management review - wasn't clear if that was a compliment or not! These days, I'm pretty clear on being a 4w5. It's taken 40 years of life experience. Your counsel here,Tom, is priceless
This is fantastic and so spot on. As a 4w5, I live in the basement basically all the time these days and really needed to hear this. I think us 4s have a tendency to look down on our 3 side, so I'm really glad I watched this and I look forward to working on my 3 shell so I can bring more visitors to the "basement" lol.
I love to hear all info you share! Thank you!
I have a 4w5 and 5w4 in my life, and this information is extremely enlightening and helpful. Thank you!
Great to hear!
I genuinely enjoyed listening to this video.
I am loving listening to all this information about the "4" Learning so much. Thank you!
I love how divinely timed this is. Thank you so so much🙏🏽✨
God bless you for the work you have put into all your online content. It has helped me immensely
I love your videos! So supportive like a 🐬 in the ocean depth 🤗 Thank you from the depth of my heart 💜
Wow! Thank you for this video so much!
Thank you so much. I really enjoyed this. I could relate as a 4w3 that also resonates with w5 at times. My truest dreams and my success as a performer and in my business REQUIRES me to strengthen my 3w expression. You said it perfectly and I appreciate your very timely support! 🙏😄
Thank you for your insight as I crawl out of my literal basement and move back in with my friends at the office. This was very encouraging and it came at the perfect time.
Brilliant. I learn so much from your videos. Thank you.
So helpful! Thank you for describing the 3 wing in the m&m way like you did. In my mind it triggered profound sadness...now it’s an identity to wear in order to serve others. And when I’m really lucky I can invite them to the depths of emotion, even if only for a bit. Really life changing! I will be booking a call with you soon to talk about what it can look like to lean into 3 and growing into 1. So happy I found u! Thanks!!!!
This is good for me to think about as a 4w5. Thanks so much !😊
Hi Tom , the power and insight from these videos are simply incredible . Thank you . I am a 4w3 and soon I am going to make friends at church and play music 🎶 . This helped me identify that I really do have a w3 to my dominant 4 ! Woot woot
You're so right about the filling in of profiles bit 😂👍
So very helpful and insightful. Thank you for this :) 🙏🏼
Thank you for making and sharing this video. It is such an important message for me to hear. Wish I had heard it when I was much younger, but I will try to remember and act on it going forward.
As a 4 I loved every bit of information and advice you gave. The problem with leaning to the 3 wing is that it should happen sincerely, not out of compulsion. The problem is that most of the time it does not happen because I want it to happen. It happens as a side effect of another choice I purposefully made. Also, I need to be sure that I can get to my basement whenevet I want when I come to the surface and get suffocated.
This was absolutely brilliant and passionate and evocative! Absolutely so excited to hear this information about a four with a three-way the Eminem analogy is the coolest ever thank you so much
Great video, Tom! sp4w5 here, and I've enjoyed all your type 4 videos so far. I definitely believe what you're advocating for here. Times when my 3 side comes out definitely feel like times when I'm a more vital, healthy version of myself. I've definitely been spending more time in the basement in recent months than is best for me. The only problem being, in my mind, that as an introvert (which I imagine most 4s and 5s are), it mostly comes down to the energy I have available. It's definitely important for 4s and 5s to be aware that staying locked up in the basement, and not venturing out to meet people from time to time, is not so great for them. But, as you said, we have that push-pull where we both want and don't want to engage others. I think that a 4w5 who has learned to effectively use their 3 wing is essentially a 4w5 who has practiced and developed skill in energy management, which is no easy thing for a 4, since the ratio of available things that energize us versus drain us is not so in our favor, it seems.
There are plenty of instances where I can acknowledge that engaging with a certain group of people who happen to be around would probably be good for me, but the social battery power just isn't there. Typically, if I know there's an opportunity coming up to engage people with my 3ness, I'll do whatever I can to recoup energy so that it's there when I need it, and I can make the most of the interaction. Rarely do I happen to have it, though, when those situations just arise, unplanned. I think lower energy levels are kind of the default/baseline for 4w5s, unless we've had a good amount of time to ourselves, and it can be hard to rouse that energy without time to prepare. But, as you point out, self-awareness is definitely the first and likely most important step in the right direction.
Thanks for creating this channel and for all the content you put out! I'm sure it's benefiting a lot of people. Cheers!
Amazing video. Spot on. I’m a 4 in a relationship with a 3 and this gave so much clarity to our dynamic.
The M&M shiny shell analogy was a great example! Thank you
Dude... I'm 4 minutes into this vid and I feel like you understand me better than anyone! I just discovered the enneagram a week ago, and you are thus far a dynamite guide.
Thank you. I have a strong resistance towards developing a shell and that has limit my growth in life. You have enlightened me on how the “shell” coating is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly of, or intentionally put aside, as I might be missing a big part of life. Glad I found this:) It’s gna be so so hard but I believe I can breakthrough this
This helps me understand my father!
Shocking how spot on this is
that's so shallow, that's so shallow 4 thinking about 3 sometimes , this really made me giggle because its so so true!😄
Thank you for calling me out, it was actually exactly what I needed! I cleaned my entire kitchen while watching this 😂
I was 4w5 one year ago but now I am 4w3. I can relate to this so much! I like being 4w3 much better XD
I’m a 4. I love your videos!
Great video! I’d really really love to hear more about the 5w4! Thanks 🙏
Noted!
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I was mistyped for a long time and learned I am a 4w3 recently. I have been stressed for 2 weeks now, for knowing my type made it seem helpless; I am a 4 and thats that. I have been thinking exactly about you were saying; the chocolate, the shell, where should I be? It’s a very strong inner conflict. You putting it that way, and explaining, HELPED A LOT! Now I see it better and clearer. Thanks so much!
This is very valuable advice, thank you
this was the most helpful thing i've heard in a long time ❤thank you!
You're so welcome!
as a 4w3 thank you!!! i didn't know how much i needed to hear that i also have a 3 side
Hi Dr Tom! This was so spot on and helpful! Thank you .
I'm Dr Rich and a 4w5 itching to rise up out of isolation with my 3 wing! I'm a chiropractor and ordained minister with a deep message...well lotsa messages lol, and Now is the time to become more visible and vocal! I'll check out your website to learn more about what you're up to. :)
So reassuring Dr Tom Lahue.. admittedly, i started off with your video “help for the fours”, which from the depth of my four felt a bit “more” hopeless…but saying that, I might have been listening from the abyss of my basement 😅 I am finding your videos really helpful and i just wanted to say thank you for being you, and tuning into, with what i perceive as honest transparency and a felt sincere attempt to connect to all nine corners of the enneagram. Every blessing ✨🙌🏽✨
Thank you for this. I love being a four so long as I am not festering in the basement. I've been cultivating my three wing, working on knowing my enoughness! I find it interesting that you would think it would be tough to listen to this. That is such a seven way to present this material! I find that fours are the most honest and humble people I know, they tend to be so self aware. I love my dark chocolate nature and the first thing that came to mind for my shell around my chocolate was gold leaf wrapped chocolate. Now that's a four with a three wing for you!!!! 😂😂 Gotta stay unique!! 😂😂
Thanks for your hard work.
Brilliant thank you
So helpful! Thank you
That was super helpful. Thank you.
This was incredible!
Awe, Thanks
Wow!!! What an accurate and helpful explanation for 4s!!!Thank you!!! ❤
You are so welcome
Brilliant video!
Thank you! I been strugling with this,living in my basement, now I can see some purpose in the way I am (4w5)
Wow such great metaphors, leaning towards that three really does help you get out of the basement
True! Thank you.
You are so welcome
Fantastic advice Dr Tom. Adding on the energy of the 3 helps a lot! It adds the self-esteem and confidence required to perform out there. 4's would stay playing guitar in their bedroom if they are too introverted. Splash on some 3! 4 can see the 3 as "shallow" though. I would reframe it to say that 3 is solid, confident and actualising their potential. Add on the 3 as a skill that you use to adapt so you CAN bring your inner world into the world for others.
I would also add in the "1". Having the discipline and work ethic can boost the 4 to reach their potential. Get that discipline, get that coffee, work hard and bring your world out. No regrets!
This was so helpful. Thank you ♥️
I'm so glad!
Thank you for reminding me.
Oh my god. Everything you said is spot on. It’s freaky
This was one of the most helpful things I've listened to.on this subject period. Thank you so much for sharing!
I'm so glad!
Thank you.
This is one of your best ...
THANKS
Dr. Tom La Hue, how du you know me so well?? It feels like you directly speek to me. Thank you for your help, understanding and attention. It makes such a change 😘
Wow, thank you
I'm a 4w 5 and I can so relate with some of the commenter about how draining and for me (fake) to stay in that 3 wing for too long, however I'm definitely gonna make an effort. The m&m analogy helped. Balance is key
Good information!
Watched this when it came out. Back to rewatch this to help me get out of my inner basement...4/5 here :(
Love your videos so much! Could you possibly do a video on relating to types that, “go against people/move people around” to get their needs met? As a 4w5, I conflict with 3’s, 7’s, and 8’a for this very reason and see this quality as sinful and self-serving. I’m also a teacher and have the most conflict with these types of parents...I can figure out their enneagram pretty quickly 😂. I want to understand how to interact with them but it’s very difficult to understand this going against since my aim is to connect.
I appreciate YOU, Tom. I'm a 4 and have been a believer for some years. I desperately need to move to the three wing. Thanks for awakening me to this for the very first time!!!
Right on!