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Enneagram: Levels Of Health for Type 4
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- Опубликовано: 5 ноя 2020
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
More info at www.tomlahue.com/
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,
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I think when Tom talks about 4's unhealthy stage and is like "now this might be painful to hear", is hilariously like a 7; because as a 4, I LOVE talking about the deep dark ugly side of life. It doesn't hurt me at all to hear these things because these are things I know about myself, accept, and want to work on to better understand myself.
I lOVE this response. Thanks :-)
Totally
I had a cry at work today and then I told my 5 coworker, 'Thank you for helping me make me cry.' (Not because he hurt my feelings but because of the subject matter, which I appreciated. )
As a 4, I love getting dragged daily (so that I can keep feeling better and getting better and having a better life lol)
Haha yesss. I laugh and nod when I hear the unhealthy side. I can relate to all sides of myself because I've been there before haha
Tom: Let's go to the deep end of the pool.
Me, 4w5: My favorite place to be.
I understand.
The ONLY place to be! :3
love this, I concur also being a 4w5. Only 10 mins in and i find myself saying "Yes Tom Yes yes you are bang on!!"
. . . Already here.
Deep end of the pool?
Come on in, the waters fine : )
Me: this should be interesting
wow. as a 4 myself i couldn’t imagine putting so much energy into learning about a type other than my own, you’re so dedicated. this is so insightful and i love your type 4 videos they really describe me so well
7 goes to 5...
Yeah he is amazing :)
"It's the middle of the summer, and you are wearing all black."
All 4s everywhere: Yes.
But this video helped me so much, thank you for taking the time to dive into this!
Yes.
yep
Well shit, I can't argue with that (but when I tried to unalive my self I was actually wearing a sparkly unicorn outfit).
Damn I just rocked a show as a DJ in all black in Louisiana and it’s so hot it might be summer. Long pants, platform boots, black windbreaker
From my perspective, when people tell me a story I will sometimes tell a story back because I am trying to relate to them and make conversation. Not because I am trying to top their story. I have picked up on that lately that people interpret it that way sometimes. That is not my intent at all. In reality I do want to fit in, and I try the best I know how to participate in "normal" conversation. (which I can do a lot of the time when I am comfortable in my surroundings and feel safe) Hearing your perspective helps me to see why and how people misunderstand my intent sometimes.
4 with what I currently feel to be equal wings 3 and 5 here. I second this comment. I want to understand by relating their experience to mine so I can empathise easier. But then try to bring the convo back to them by asking if how im empathising is really how they experience things. To get in the boat with them so I can see what they see, hear what they hear and feel what they feel so I know whether they want to be guided to the best way through and out or if we need to camp at the understanding stage so they can really feel understood. Because that's exactly what I wish from others when I'm going through a hard time. Some empathy and compassion and a whole lot of patience haha as we can tend to get down on ourselves feeling like a burden for others.
I feel very understood by Tom and he doesn't know me as an individual, he just knows my personality. And to have someone be so patient and wanting to understand is cool. I'm interested whether 4s and 7s work well together in relationships? Or is there a better suiter for a 4 when both are in health?
@@shannonashleigh I love hanging out with 7's, because they pull me out of my shell and I can let loose and have fun with them. It can be difficult to have a deep and real conversation with the 7's I've met, because they always want to lighten the mood and get uncomfortable if the conversation gets too serious. There is a 7 on RUclips/TikTok who is a counselor (Jenny Ann Helms) who seems to have a lot of depth and I really enjoy listening to her content, so maybe if they lean into their 5???
@@anitadodd yeah I agree. I used to have a best friend as a 7 and I would be so spontaneous with her. My mum is a 1 and reckons I lost my productivity and in her eyes became irresponsible. So maybe when a 7 isnt leaning to traits of a 5 its good to be mindful that you stay balanced and not get swept away or influenced too easily. I also found it hard and frustrating to relax and have deep convos with her. When I'm healthy I'm very much like my mum as a 1 but also enjoy the outgoingness of a 7.
We feel like we don't fit in, like we are different. Because friendships trigger this feeling sometimes we withdrawal. We might also get triggered by envy...she likes so and so better than me and then we feel like we aren't valued. As much as people say we don't mind sitting in those darker feelings...I personally withdrawal when I'm in those places. Sometimes I feel like when I withdrawal in a friendship they may interpret it as me being snobby or that I don't like them. When the reality is it's my own insecurities being triggered that causes me to do that. I'm a self pres 4. So I also don't like people seeing me like that because I feel like it will push people further away. Then we feel like "I'm so different" I can't maintain friendships like everyone else. So we reach back out. That is the push and pull of the 4 in a nut shell. I went off into a rabbit trail 😆. Hopefully that helps someone understand 4's better. Thank you for your videos! Im trying to overcome these issues.
I’m a self preserving 4 too and I totally get that!!
6:36 lowest level
36:48 - mid level
41:43 highest level
This is so true, I’m a 4w5 so I’m constantly stuck in my head with my thoughts, i make other people’s actions a reflection on myself, I didn’t even realise I did it so much until now.
as a 4, it's always a pleasure listening to a healthy 7. i also agree we have a LOT in common. this video was astonishing in so many ways! I felt like i was in the most important therapy session of my entire life. i made notes of all the tips. thank you so much, dr. tom. (i noticed you put a lot of intensity doing this video. you do know how to talk to 4s.)
Its so nice to hear from a 7 because most of the media I consume is from other 4's and it gets so DARK and SERIOUS sometimes. Your upbeat and lighthearted energy is really sweet :)
I want to be a part of a group, but I find I am better connecting one on one with kind and encouraging personalities (usually 2’s and 9’s). Also, I agree that for a 4, feeling invisible or ignored is probably the worst feeling. Then, when you try to explain that in order to reestablish that connection, you are angrily told that you’re “too sensitive,” which heaps on even more of a feeling of rejection. That’s why a 4 needs empathetic and compassionate friends, and it’s better to be alone if you can’t find people like this.
My husband is a 4 with a capital "4" (and aware of it). He's brilliant, deep, richly artistic, and absolutely tormented. I gave him a big hug while watching this, telling him that I appreciate his depth and expressed sympathy for the pain that comes with that depth. He told me he felt "seen." That felt like such a huge compliment coming from a 4! I've watched quite a few of your videos and shared some of them with him and we both agree that your insight and interpretation of the enneagram is really helpful. Thank you so much!
May I ask what type you are? That is very helpful for a 4. Great work!!
@@shannonashleigh Aww thanks :) I think I'm a 9 - lol how "9" of me to not think it important to mention MY number ;)
@@annaleander haha all 9s I know are so great and attentive to others. My sister is a 9.
'absolutely tormented' made me tear up instantly
@@ProducedByMERC 💕
Lol he’s like I apologize for what I’m saying don’t take it too hard. Me over here taking notes and then self reflecting journaling on the topics. Totally just eating this up. It’s all so true for me!! ?
Watching your videos just makes me laugh. In my case of being a 4, laughing at yourself helps a lot sometimes.
I totally relate! It makes me laugh when my patterns are pointed out
It's a H U G E journey moving from "unhealthy" 4 to "healthy" 4. I feel that during the process of becomming a more balanced 4, I need even more distance and space to sort myself out in silence to avoid scratching everyone around me, which would just prove to me again that I'm incompatible with this world. I think that as a 4, when we become aware of our cactus-personality, we feel an enormous deal of shame because our intentions towards others are never meant to be hurtful. We are deeply caring people with a highly prickly/abrasive personality. Like Edward Scissorhands. No wonder we feel rejected, and no wonder that people don't want to move in close with us. I think that a lot can be alleviated for 4s if we polish up our communication skills and our "social behaviour" skills. It's flipping exhausting, because as 4s WE feel that OTHERS are hyper sensitive (but that's because we can be so terribly blunt without noticing it).
Thanks so much for your videos! Wish I had come upon the Enneagram decades ago! Would have saved everyone a lot of pain.
I love the way you have written this. Totally relate to the Edward Scissorhands too. I’m currently very unhealthy and self-isolating to get this shit sorted. The pain of being me and the pain of continuous rejection, real or perceived, got too much to bear. Especially knowing why the real or perceived rejection was happening, my total self centredness and victim mentality, even though that’s not how I want to come across 🤪 it’s a pickle, that’s for sure. A very spiky pickle haha
Thank you, I was crying when you said wipe your tears hahaha, it actually scared me lol. Thanks for trying to understand rather than labeling 4s that they are like this and this, I usually hate to see general descriptions about my type but you make me see the good side of myself! Sometimes we try so hard to become better but people are generally unable to see, but I feel like you understand and try to see beyond the curtains, that's what I appreciate about your videos. Thank you Dr. Tom!!
Wow, that is cool. Thanks.
I don't think I've ever thought "I might lose my special specialness" by being part of a group. That's not what feeling intrinsically flawed feels like. The fear of losing our special isn't what keeps us from being part of the group, the fear of someone finding out we aren't special is what keeps us away.
Exactly.
☝️This
Absolutely! We'll said! 👏
Well damn!
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
"Fours do One better than Ones"... Love it!!! Thank you for this
Wow I just had a breakthrough moment about why we are all “broken” in some way. And I don’t mean just 4s but all of us. You mentioned how us 4s feel so misunderstood and ignored that when/if we become healthy we bring understanding and belonging to others. So that becomes our purpose and mission in life. So if we apply this to all the types then it would make sense as to why we are created with a “missing piece”. Because that missing piece connects us to the rest of humanity. Otherwise if we were all already perfect would we even need to connect? We seem to connect the most by helping and understanding each other. Anyway just some thoughts. Thank you for making these videos ❤️
The way you directly quoted my mom when I was at absolute rock bottom 💀. I know she meant well but she didn’t understand that I needed support, not further chastising. I was doing enough of that to myself.
Sounds like some fours think the way people act is about them. I m a 2 and I use to worry about that myself. I have learned usually when people act upset its not about you. Its about something or somebody else in their life. If it is about you, just know they will get over it, usually quickly. Great video! Thank you for sharing!
To be fair, people who spend a significant amount of time alone, tend to focus on themselves more-so than others... This is not because they are egocentric.
Culture says its all about finding yourself to improce yourself. But we just become more self focussed and selfish which is not what we want overall. If we find God we become better and more selfless. We also understand ourselves more but love God and others as ourselves. I'm learning this more and more over time.
I appreciate how respectful you are about each type 😌
You are so gifted at this Tom! I love the spirit with which you give people hope in their type even when describing the low levels of health. I’m a 4 wing 5 and this was so right on for me! Thank you for what you are sharing about the Enneagram and for your sensitivity in delivering the information!
Awesome, glad to help. Thanks for your encouraging words.
Tom: I do get a lot of interest in my channel by 4's.
Me, a 4w5: Here I am, baby!
Thanks, Glad to have you!
We should chat sometime staceface
Thank you. As a 4, i'd say we want to belong/fit in .. as we are. Vs only being able to belong by running with the crowd. The area that has to strengthen is in acceptance of ourselves as having the grace for individualism and the strength to stand often, alone, without soaking in the shame/emotional soup 🙏🏾
Yes Ironically I want to feel belong yet I keep isolating myself and lock up my door.
Im a 4w3. This is a great video as ALLLLLL of your 4 videos are fantastic. Thank you for your dedication to helping us understand ourselves!!
Wow, thank you!
I hope it can be put on Spotify in form of podcast someday! Great video, you’re doing amazing job at helping people better understand themselves :)
Doc: Pull yourself back Tom, dont go down into the abyss
Me: no, wait! Come back!
I will be careful... :-)
Haha us 4s sometimes need to adopt his thinking. Know when to balance out and be more productive focussing on the task at hand
It was beautiful to hear that what hurts us the most is what we do to help others. I have never thought of it that way. The way I feel when I isolate myself from others helps me be more inclusive towards people that might feel that way in other aspects of their lives.
This is an amazing realization.
Thank you for your sweetness and kindness while describing us 4's ❤
True, telling someone who is feeling down to be happy because they have all these things going for them is generally bad. "Why are you sad? You should be grateful, there are people in poor countries that are starving and you even have a roof over your head!", it's trying to address the problem by diverging to a different problem which actually illustrates that people are not actually listening making the situation worse. "I can have all the burgers in the world, I wouldn't be starving, but my soul would still be hurting. What difference does it make?". Listening to people who are hurting is probably one of the best things you can do to help them out, in their monologue they will realize what is wrong with them and will fix themselves up. Talking is a form of thinking and sometimes in order to talk, you only need a face that listens.
21:18 hehe, no tears this time, but I have been (and still get to that point from time to time) where I feel like nobody would miss me if I go out from the party and to be honest that is probably right. Because I wouldn't really miss most people who are at the party to begin with. Having the expectation to be missed is rather a hint that I am actually going through something and I should look into that rather than place the burden on other people so I don't fall into "people must miss me so I can feel fulfilled" which is equally saying "I am not fulfilled because people do not miss me, it's because of them!".
Which build on what is mentioned in the video, yeah we 4s tend to read between the lines even when there's really no message. If there is no message we'll assume one and it will generally be something more dramatic just for the heck of it.
4w5
Thanks for your insight!
Love this comment! So much gold and relatable stuff here and in this comment section.
Worrying about whether people will miss you if you leave a party/wanting people to miss you is 4 moving to 2 in stress. A 4 can feel like they don't fit in and not care (like a 2 would care) if they are in even just in their normal 4 state, I think. The feeling of "lack" or "envy" that we have in a normal state isn't even something that we actively always feel bad about and we kind of even value in ourselves because we strive to be different and unique... it's only that 2 stress number that gets us spiralling on that type of thing.
Oh my god thank you thank you thank you I have always thought I was going crazy you have nailed it!!!! I’m a 4 and I’m driving myself crazy! 59 years of searching you nailed it to a T everything!
4w5 so/sp. I have a love-hate relationship with my 3 wing. It can be very hard to tap into when it comes to 'conventional things' (like making a career change when I'd rather just pursue my art and read and watch films for all eternity).
Right, I get it!
Me me me hahaha I relate. I'm in a mundane job, doing endless hobbies that I want to make a career out of but I don't pursue making it a career cuz I'm too engrossed in my recreational time hahahaha then complain about my job again lol. I want to do something with writing and I want to do it for God in some way.
Oh, my goodness, I so understand this. I'm so tired of going against my grain, it's exhausting. I feel like the gifts I've been given aren't very valued by our society so I work in a job that exhausts me.
Thank you so much for your videos, Tom!! I finally feel like nothing is wrong with me, I'm just a deep 4w5 in actually a healthy state, but occasionally travel to a less healthy place but I don't have to stay there. What a relief!
So happy to see you! Made my morning! I'm a 4w5 and your videos help me so much. Thank you.
I'm so glad! Thanks for the encouragement!
Dr. Tom Rocks! He asks us to dig deeper and take a hard look at ourselves. I did some coaching sessions with him and it was very helpful.
Thanks...
🤣 Ok, I’m the walking definition of a 4, though thankfully getting healthier. It’s actually funny. As you were talking about how your mind could wander and think, “Maybe I don’t want to be here, maybe I’d rather be outside riding my motorcycle.” My first thought was, “Ugh. See!?!? He’s only making this video because he HAS too! It’s just a job! He doesn’t even like us 4s, he doesn’t want to be here! He just feels OBLIGATED to not make us feel left out, so he is doing this begrudgingly.” And then I tell myself, “Wait a minute. Stop. He’s just trying to illustrate a point. He’s giving an example. He never said he didn’t like 4s, or that he truly didn’t want to be making this video about us. Stay with the information - self - he’s sharing things that you really could benefit from here. Stay focused!”
It was funny to me to catch myself being a 4 while listening to you talk about how we sometimes need to set our 4-isms aside. 🤪
thank you so much for this vid! i'm a textbook 4, and with that, am admittedly guilty of feeling envy...often. that said, i'm desperately trying to raise my vibration and build true confidence from within so as to live a happier, more peaceful life. love your channel!
As much I hear your videos as much I love your work. You really choose to understand us and not to repeat the wrong interpretation is around.
Really appreciate this. Will listen again and again.
Thank you!
It felt nice hearing your explanation of some of the different stages of the 4 enneagram. I laughed a lot because I was genuinely relieved hearing these from another person's mouth 😅 It made me feel acknowledged in a way
Thanks again
Hi Tom. I normally do not write comments below youtube videos, but after seeing this one of you, I really feel like I wand to show you my appreciation. Thank you so much for this, I was laughing, I was crying and after this 50 minutes I know for sure, I am a 4! Its extremely shocking but also comforting to see my insides being described so clearly! I recently stumbled across the Enneagram and try to deal with all the thoughts and wisdom it has to offer. Warm greetings from the weirdly cute country of Liechtenstein :)
Yep this is 100% me, everything you said. It’s just hard because then I feel like I can’t trust myself. Like is this person actually doing something to me or is it just my twisted perception
Interesting.
Me too, it’s hard to trust myself.
Separating thoughts with who we are is something 4s have trouble doing. I used to think my preferences was who I was. But separating thoughts and facts really helped me choose what I wanted to believe and think.
I think I am a four. I do not think what you say is envy. It is hurt. People who seem they have friends because they drink together. After a while they all laugh about nothing, they have a false impression of friendship. I do not care to join them,drunk or buzzed,but I still miss some good quality friends.
Im a 4w5 and this has been very accurate and helpful. Also seconding all of the angsty four comments on here. Love you guys. You really hit the nail on the head of how fours feel internally vs how they're perceived by others. Really a self fulfilling prophecy. At my lowest point I was absolutely bitter, depressed and self absorbed. I struggled with a lot of mental health issues including suicidal ideation and anorexia at the time and it was just a very dark and dangerous place to be. I wish I'd found the enneagram sooner so that I couldve had more insight into why I acted and felt the way I did and known to disrupt my oppressive, cyclical thoughts. Really glad to have it now so I can set goals for being a healthy 4 :) But kinda sucks that we are just eternally angsty lmao
Thanks Dr. Tom. That was really helpful. Kudos to your efforts.
Great work Dr Tom... Thank you! So helpful... Sure brought out the t e a r s ... Done in pure 7 fashion, which was perfect for pointing out all the frailties of us 4's... 'Cause as you know... we're a sensitive bunch. Hearing all the growth stages was encouraging as well as exhorting to keep growing!! Remembering we aren't done... Until we're done. 💙🌱🌟
Thank you for helping us grow. As a four its really important to me. I, actually, can listen you and process the informations you give us, without getting hurt or annoyed. I just think the way i act and if something you say appear to me.
Hi Dr. Tom! Just found your channel and am really enjoying my first video - thank you for your deep study and efforts to really understand others. 4w5 here, preservation (MBTI-INFJ), and would like to add a few layers from my perspective if I may...
I think in that lowest form of unhealth, when we are really personifying Envy, the feeling and the motivation really isn't so much of a pity party as a raw wound. We are in pain and we see that if we could just be shinier, healthier, more put together like X, then we could get out of pain and be our best. Envy then becomes sort of our ticket to the party, if that makes sense, a way to fit in. And those we perceive as the black-and-white folks, we would love to prove wrong and show them that the world can be technicolor and that's ok (partly driven by our desire to see others grow and of course selfishly by our desire to receive the "love" we crave and get that need met. Curiously, do any of you 4s also have to check yourselves on equating approval with love?) We don't necessarily want the spotlight for the fame and glory, or to be above others necessarily, we want what we perceive others to have - true acceptance for who they are. We want to be "okay" too.
The self-referencing thing has been a tough one for me (even as I sit here and IRONICALLY DO IT ANYWAY! 😂), but I think I've found a secret. As an external processor, deeply in love with the Socratic method, I enjoy those long deep diving conversations of mutually sharing. I want to hear all your things and tell you all of mine and it's coming from a way of relating and empathy. However, it really does come off as one-upmanship most of the time, and it's not something others sign up for without a waiver lol So those opportunistic deep dives can be very misconstrued as monopolizing especially around people who aren't familiar with our motivations. So throwing this out there in case it helps anyone else, but I've found that if I have an outlet to process outside of the conversation I can relieve myself of the pressure of "sharing too", check my self-centeredness and really hone in on the person speaking. For me, this is writing and extensive journaling. Or filling up the comments with rambling thoughts 🤔😋😂 if you're a 4 reading this, the last thing I'd like to say us that shutting down is not the answer. If you are aware of your self-referencing compulsions and trying to control it, shutting down only gives off a shady vibe that you're hiding something which people will pick up on, and it will make you want to withdraw and feel misunderstood and them actually withdraw.. because you're being weird.. Or you've sent a 2 into a spiral of worrying they offended you the ONE time they decided to open up... Dont do the damage haha.Very counterproductive to building relationships. Finding an outlet is a much healthier option and then, when appropriate and under the right circumstances, there may be a deep friendship or intimate partner that you can do those deep dives with on occasion (wuth appropriate forewarnung, disclaimers and several hours set aside- be still my beating heart!) Haha.
Anyways, I guess stop obessesing over the stupid thing you said at a party 12 years ago that only youremember, get out of your head, find your outlets and love your people! And listen to this guy :) Thanks again Dr. Tom. Off to watch your other vids!
🤩🙏🏽
As a 4 ... wow!!! You speak life into the areas of my inner being that have perplexed me for years. It makes sense how my childhood wound shaped by 4ness - I was adopted at a week old, found bio mom twice via the adoption agency and she never told her current spouse about me so a big "NO!" both times I reached out for contact, and my adoptive parents each married 3 times in my formative years. Wowzer- lots of terrain for deep loathing and those abandonment/rejection issues. Working through all of this to be my best self. I can see in my adult life how I've come far despite the traumas and I appreciate these videos to help keep digging deep.
4w5... loved the 3 information, so interested to hear this 4 video & can’t wait for the 5... thank you Dr Tom.
My pleasure!
You say at one point that during family reunion moments, where everyone laughs the 4 could feel misunderstood and sad, not being part of the group, I quite agree but in another way, I sometimes see the people I love in the moments of joy and think of the day they will be dead and it saddens me because I put this so joyful moment in perspective with the moment when it will be over
Great insight👍 I think you might be describing a healthy 4 who can appreciate the preciousness of joyful moments spent with loved ones. It might feel like sadness but to be able to sit with the sadness and even embrace it is the strength of the 4's. The power of appreciating the bitter sweetness of life.
I have to tell myself not to dwell in those emotions too much, though, and make myself more productive like 1's!
I’ve been watching your 4 videos as I am a classic 4. New to Christianity and the enneagram as well so I’m learning a lot about myself. I’m currently at the stage of a healthy 4 and have had a long journey to get to the appreciation stage of my life. Without knowing any of this helpful information somehow God started helping me heal. I’d love to share my story with you and be able to help other 4’s learn some tips and tricks to get to the healthier side of being a 4. Tip #1.... self appreciation first. Learn to talk to and encourage yourself like you would others. ☺️❤️🙏🏻✌🏻
Oh Dude! Yes, yes,yes! You just described my life experience. LOL!! Your videos are so helpful and insightful!! Cheers to you!
I appreciate all of your videos. I started watching them once I found out I was a four a few months ago. It’s honestly helped me a lot. When you were mentioning about an unhealthy four, I thought of the Alanis Morissette album Jagged Little Pill and how she is perceived as so “rage” in some songs. It’s also funny because Alanis Morissette is a four as well.
Right on!
I have always loved her lyrics and songs - and now that I've learned that I'm a four and she's a four, it just totally makes sense!
Thank you, great work you are helping people more than you know
Insightful as always.
I like this video's brief overview before diving into the meat of the 3 levels
Wow!! I'm a 4 and you are spot on! Thank you 😃
This video is incredibly helpful and I'm beginning to think I am a type 4. I *really* appreciated what you said about: if I react to someone rejecting me by saying "they might be a jerk" instead of automatically thinking "they hate me because I'M a jerk".
Also, I think my tendency to compare myself to others is why I value humility so much - humility reminds me not to compare, but to find similarity with others and to keep us on a level playing field.
When I am practicing gratitude and looking for grace in the everyday, I DO feel at my most healthy state. It honestly lifts me up almost immediately & gives me perspective.
I’m a 4w3 this was very insightful, I took notes about everything
This was incredibly helpful, I really appreciate it Dr.LaHue!
Though God's words (from the Bible) are true to all of us, there are unspoken sufferings/struggles we all go through in our lives that can be helped by deeper, broader resources like this. I thank God for you and honor you for being faithful to your unique calling. May God bless you, your family and your ministry in a greater way🙏
Thank you so much!
4w5 here and needing to watch this a few times first, but feel like I have lots to say. Thank you. Learning about the enneagram and knowing my type has been one of the singularly centering and clarifying things I've experienced... and that's saying a lot for a 4 who really struggles to feel that way... and has been actively trying to heal and grow and figure myself out for some time now.
100 % relate. Finding the "INFJ" and "Enneagram 4" has been so huge for me. The last 3 years, partly because of this ( together with spirituality ) has changed just about everything!
Bless you Meghan!
You got this!
I also like the distinction between 1 and 4, specifically what it looks like. 1s tend to be more productive, and the 1s I know usually ask my 4w5 self, "Why don't you just DO it?!?" But yes, we do try to bring color. I think of 1 vs. 4 musicians; either could be great, of course, but the danger of a 1 is just playing the notes, even technically impressive pieces, very flat and "just so" like they're in a class recital. If 4s show up and don't doubt themselves too much, they can screw up a piece but turn the mistakes into improvisation or soulful note expressions. When I visited Beethoven's house (who I'm pretty sure was 4w5) in Vienna, I thought it was interesting how his drafts had scratches and notes all over the score, versus the much more orderly Mozart (7w8, I think). Maybe instructor Haydn's a 1.
Interesting, thanks for sharing this.
Thanks Dr Tom. You have affected and informed my life is a great way.
You are very welcome
I like when you talk about dismissing your feelings and saying "wow that person is a jerk". I recently had a similar realization, and have been working on this very thing. It's important to know that just because someone acts like they're an authority on the matter doesn't mean that they are. A lot of people just say things just to say them, and their words don't reflect reality. 4s -- we tend to soak up the negative stuff people say about us as reality. I think if we internalize the fact that not everyone has the authority, or is even sane enough to make realistic judgements, it could help us be more accurate about which judgements we take in as reality.
Tom, I laugh every time you walk on eggshells and make qualifications in your #4 videos. We love you, I promise. Also, everyone should be a nudist, particularly if you enjoy volleyball with seniors. You're a #7, try to convince me you wouldn't have fun.
I'm laughing at that one...thanks!
I needed to hear this.🙏🏻 I can be really tough on people at work due to all of these things, but especially if I perceive someone is put above me because something was assigned to them instead of me. What about me? Why wasn’t I considered? And I move straight to bitterness and resentment.
Thanks Tom, this was a wonderful summary. I can sometimes move through all three levels of health in a single day;-)
Yes I wish I was more stable
my best friend is a four and gosh it is so hard communicating with her and trying to help her. i am a four too… and if her energy is bad it literally sends me down a rabbit hole. then it’s like i see her making terrible decisions and then her life is always melancholy because of all the stuff that “happens to her” and it’s so frustrating when it seems like she is living in a self-fulfilling prophecy. because i get that intrinsic problem affect, yet i’m a self-preserving four and she’s a one-to-one four and idk i almost come across as a seven because in most places i like to avoid deep conversations unless i really feel safe with someone and she’s the type to fold in half and cry on the floor if she has a stomach cramp or if a loser guy isnt responding. if bad feeling things happen to me i keep it in until i get home and then cry and write about it lol. idk how to help her. it feels painful when i sit and listen to her time and time again and then she keeps messing up and now im frustrated and tired of giving all of my love and energy because it hurts that she doesnt even seem to listen and hear it in her heart. she is so obsessed with her looks and herself and whatever guy of the season. i feel judgemental but idk how to help her HELP ugh😩
Oh Dr., You are right on point...all the way.
such helpful insight !
Would you be able to do a video on how to date as an enneagram 4? Should a 4 look for a 9? (Should each enneagram find the most “compatible” number to make the relationship easier?) How can we be ok with surface conversations and to have reasonable expectations rather than expecting this (unrealistic) deep connection with a soulmate type scenario, etc. Maybe it could be a series about how each enneagram could date in a more healthy way. Anyway, I love your videos! They are the best I’ve found on us 4’s. :) thank you!! Enjoy riding your motorcycle! ;)
This is super helpful. Thank you !
You're so welcome!
This is sooooo good!!!!!!! Thank you 😊 (4w5)
I mean, in a way the fact that I'm not at the highest level means I have a long and interesting way in front of me to become my best self, and that I can be and FEEL better than how i do today. And I'm not at my lowest, I've been much lower, and I'm SO glad I'm not there anymore! I mean I did have some really low moments lately, but the good thing is that it is not my everyday anymore, and even as it happens I'm able to recognize it - and to recognize that my fears are not that realistic in that moment, which makes it a bit easier to communicate feelings in a more healthy way, which can help meaningful others reassure you about the fact that they care.
I guess I'm glad that I got this far, but I also kind of feel guilty and wrong for not being the best four I can be - inadequacy and even envy are still there: "somebody else is able to be a centered and calm four, why are you such a mess then?" But I guess that my bestfriend's advise is always the best when I feel like that: look at your soul with the soft, subjective, warm light of a candle; because it you were to use the cold and aggressive headlamps of a train to shed light on your inner world it's all going to look flat, and you're not going to understeand any of it
Hi Dr Tom,
I’m a 4w5. Thank you so much for your content!
My pleasure!
Love psychology and pseudo science like mbti and enneagram. It has helped me understand myself so much better. As a 4, I've always been eccentric/quirky/weird and I've always felt like a freak. I have always felt like I don't belong because I'm innately just "odd" and don't fit in. However, I'm understanding as I'm older that, I have to get out of my head so much and live in the real world. Initiate a hangout, try a new resteraunt, smile more, be okay with minor chitchat, etc. I'm 24 and I still slide into the melancholic spells and feel like I'd be better off dead but I'm learning to not stay in that place too long because it's not reality. It's just a feeling that I'm perceiving
Amazing! Thank you!!
Thank You very much, I appreciate your work :-)
This helped me immensely. I’m a 7 and just ended a friendship with a 4. They were constantly envying everyone around us, trying to bring reality to them (I’m not actually that happy at my job, being a 7) only made things worse. They were constantly bringing the conversation back to them, all the same accusing me of not listening to them and caring only about myself. They also had this high standard they expected of me. Call them everyday, ask them how they feel, listen to their dark thoughts without helping them out of it. Basically being the perfect friend. And they felt them not constantly telling me what I did wrong was asking them to not be authentic. I get why they are like this, but I really think our personalities are too opposite and conflicting to be friends.
Dr. Tom I personally LOVE your videos! Although this video, I purposely searched for it in aims of learning more of the healthy patterns of enneagram 4. We want to know these traits in more depth; and appreciate them too! 🥰 New video idea maybe?
Hey, thanks for the love on the videos! Your suggestion for more on Enneagram 4 traits is noted - stay tuned!
Well done!!!
This was awesome thank you.
You are so welcome!
LOVE THIS, thankyou Sir ☺
You are very welcome
So I LOVE these videos and have been watching a ton lately, but I am still super stuck on if I am a 4w3 or a 3w4.... I don't suppose I could suggest to you, Tom, maybe doing some videos on how to tell if you are a type or if that type is actually your wing... I feel like 4 resonates most with me but then I listened to your videos about 3w2 and 3w4 and it is super hard to tell the difference between the 3w4 and the 4w3... help! lol
You know what? I feel so happy to find myself in the highest level (modestly lol)
Tnk you, your videos are always so helpful❤😊
(And...I love 7s so much, but sometimes I just don't know how to reach them, always escaping😂. I mean, I like to escape too, but I also like to do it in a calm way ahaha. Yes, I experience various times to be stuck in something in particular while losing some other cool, amazing things, but...how to say, I can't be a 100% okay if I don't get entirely through something that happened😅 Sorry if I'm painfully aware of emotions 🤪)
Thank you for these videos about the 4 - from a recovering 4 LOL.
Damn. This is really good information.
Pretty good, tom. A+ I think you got it!
Thanks!
I wonder how many Leos are type 4s, good lord. It's the unintentional self absorbed aspect...really hit me. How often I actually do make things about myself when they're not. So very Leo, it's unbelievable. There are so many traits Leos and 4s share.
Anyway I truly appreciate your videos. Thank you
Omg, this is me and has always been me. I sometimes have to make up reasons for being the way I am to get others to leave me alone and stop asking otherwise they just don't understand. Anyone else?
I feel I just completed a special training course in understanding my wife (4w5) and now that means I get to look forward to going under the microscope myself (5w4) next week!
*Disembodied Jordan Peterson Voice* "Unless at this juncture CHAOS enters your life! A combo-breaker the kids today call it."
Awesome. Thanks for your post.
I'm a 4w5 and my partner is a 5w4 and bridging that gap at the bottom of the enneagram between these two types is something very special. In my opinion, it's the kind of nitty gritty learning both of types are built for (in different ways).
I’m a 4. I could relate to every unhealthy part mentioned. And I’m becoming a healthier 4, lesser comparison and envy. Just want a note though, the idea of sometimes 4 is just being a 4, that’s partially true. There could be environmental factors that shaped us this way. And it’s important to go through your childhood and learn about why and how you became an unhealthy 4 in order to become healthy. At least that’s what happened to me before I became healthier. Learning my trauma and going through the emotions. It’s a dark process though, but it’s fulfilling
I'm a 5w4 but this still cut deep
Fours as their unhealthy levels are actually propably depressed and Ive always wondered wheather that is a good way to describe someones personality? Usually fours have experienced some kind of loss or abandonment in their lives, if not abuse or neglection, perhaps still not being seen or met or couraged as a child and being such a sensitive person this experience actually becomes the core of the self? I find myself a little bit triggered when fours are always being described such s moody and negative loving person. It doesnt seem fare. I actually dont think one would choose to be melancholy and moody like that. Many higher level fours are indeed quirky, funny, selfironic, uniq, emphatic and concidering to others. But as a 4 I remember feeling and lingering in melancholy when I was being clinically depressed. After getting better, I dont find that in me in any disturbing levels. The shyness and shame still sometimes acasionally drives me, especially when I feel someone is not giving me space or when someone is taking the energy, so it makes me feel small or as an audience. But I think this way of the fours always thinking about themselves,, especially responding to conversations with stories about themselves, and compearing and judging themselves, that is totally true and superannoying! 😂 but the only way to get to the high levels was to start doing my own things in my own way and developing myself. As a gift, it actually makes you feel more content and good about yourself.
I’m a 4w5 and I have this conflict with my wing 3. I like being a fun person and I like behaving like a 3 but at the end of the day my 5 wing constantly critiques everything I did and makes me feel stupid even if I got the feeling that people like me. It’s like I’m being torn between my wings and it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do about this. Anyone else feel this way all the time?
Yeah i feel the exact same way, my mental health has been low lately, whenever i try engaing with people in normal everyday activities my mind goes mad in self criticism, calling myself inauthentic and insincere for neglecting the pain and hurt so strong inside me. I cant say i know what to do really, but i think just keeping on persisting past those negative thoughts is useful, acting one way doesnt mean you are denying another part of yourself; you can be both. This is big though, and self criticism goes beyond enneagrams, i think all 4s need actual therapy.
Dr Tom! I'm trying to find stuff about parenting skills regarding the enneagram, but it's difficult to find good content. You are a very skilled teacher of these sorts of things. Do you think it would be interesting to do a series on parenting each enneagram type? Do you think there are specific keys to raising each type? Or could you think of some?